#autism? yeah i know er.

[foggy-liminality]

I was blessed the other day. I was at Walmart shopping for a chair, and I came across the kid bedroom plushies to witness the most beautifully posed spiderman plushie.

✨️BEHOLD✨️

Deadpool sponsored this post. Logan has the man tits, and Peter has the cake.

[whatbigotspost]

Endometriosis impacts about 10% of people who have a uterus, and that EXTREMELY COMMON metric is merely an estimate, possibly a massive underestimate. This disease is notoriously difficult to diagnose, both due to the elusive nature of how it operates and the rampant misogyny that comes associated with the societal treatment of this particular organ system.

Like why aren’t we talking about all of this? Any given group of 30 people has 3 folks in it living with endometriosis…

so yeah. Sharing this all from Instagram here to raise awareness.

I am only formally diagnosed with ovarian endo but I’ve discussed with my doctor about how my chronic bowel issues are likely endo related/impacted and even my sciatic nerve pain in my back hip area is probably connected.

This affliction is a GD curse 🥲 The same way that autism is a diagnosis that has had all these underlying tendrils that connect a web of symptoms I experience together once I saw it, endo is the same. It’s a whole body chronic illness NO DOUBT.

here’s what I needed to hear because maybe you do too…

•it’s not normal to fill a whole large deva cup with menstrual blood in 2 hours. •it’s not normal to bleed for 8+ days at a time.

•it’s not normal to have cramps so bad you are bed ridden for days.

•it’s not normal to have sudden offsets of abdominal pain so strong you “see stars” •it’s not normal to have to rock to the side on the toilet and/or move your stomach around and like fucking palpate your own guts to be able to finally, fully empty your full bladder (<—this is the one that made me really wonder WTFFFF 🫣)

ALL OF THESE WERE MY RED FLAGS that I had multiple giant endometrial growths all throughout my abdomen.

but people said “cramps are awful” and “ugh I hate my heavy flow” and not like actual comparisons I could ascertain so I ignored a lot of bad shit.

I didn’t know how much other people menstruated or how they peed or what level of body pain occurred as they aged and got fatter and their bodies changed in countless other ways across a span of years.

I only got a proper endo diagnosis bc when I broke my arm in that terrible car accident back in 2019, my MRI at the ER in the trauma dept opened an eventual Pandora’s box of my medical issues.

anyway if one person suffers less bc they read this and get proper medical care that would make my heart soar with joy, so like SHARE THIS KIND OF KNOWLEDGE AND

🩸🩸🩸🩸DESTIGMATIZE OPEN SHAME FREE PERIOD TALK BY HUMANS OF ALL GENDERS AND AGES🩸🩸🩸🩸🩸

It’s just a fucking bodily function. We deserve information about it like we do the signs of heart disease or colon cancer.

[hiskillingjar]

hi there! love your blog! have you ever shared voice hcs for strade, ren, and law? hope youre having a good day! <3

AAA THANK YOU AND YEAH DOG I WAS MANIFESTING THIS ASK!!!!!!!!!!

ren 🦊

i think he has a young-sounding voice, like even as he gets older his voice doesn't really give away how old he is

raspy? kind of like he's always talking out the back of his throat

A LOT of vocal fry. idk how to explain it

he'll, like, use a lot of, um, filler words? and, ya know, sort of just speak in a way that, like, really makes you question if he knows what the fuck he's saying.

the only point of comparison i can think of is ira glass, though his tone is a little more fox leaning

real talk, he sounds kind of faggy lol

he's kind of self-conscious of his voice, so when he does become fox, he makes a lot of changes to the way he speaks so that it's more practiced and considered. obviously slips up when he has the chance to though <3

law 🥀

they got the playstation cut scene autism. the twin peaks autism.

like, they've got the low, quiet, kind of monotone autism drawl

very breathy sounding, which goes with slow quiet of it

they have to...um, really annunciate to put...tone and meaning behind their voiceee, otherwise they kind of just...sound...a little detached...a little spacy...yeah...okay...

they sound like they're not listening to anything anyone is saying, and the fact they look so out of it most of the time (even without the drugs, their gaze is super spacy) doesn't help either

like almost the gentle, offputting kind of quiet of paul dano in prisoners but. lower.

they um and er a lot too, like, um, yeah...okay, uh, for sure...

there's a lot of power behind their voice though. like, they make themselves seem gentler and smaller most of the time, but in the case of being angry, it can really climb up in volume and intention

so you better listen to them when they're being nice and quiet...

strade 🔨

hehehehehe i've thought about this one sooooo much

obviously has a noticeable german accent, albeit not a super thick one. it's there.

doesn't have the best grip on english slang and does the bilingual thing where he'll be like "ah...what is the word for-" when he's having a scatterbrained moment

doesn't um or er that much though, he'll confidently say the wrong thing and get corrected on it (or not)

he'll talk in a way that is really really direct, but, ahm, kind of lilt towards the end, making everything sound like a question? and then, ah, spreche-SPEAK very knowingly, right?

a pretty medium-range voice, not super low or that demanding of attention in his regular tone. people want to listen to him because he's a friendly guy!

kind of like the original singer of oomph! hehehehe, pretty regular tone, definitely a fast talker too

laughs a lot <3 has a nice warm chuckle when he's in polite company, and he's like the best person to laugh at bad jokes

very good at keeping up appearances <333 he's a manipulative faker who looks and sounds totally normal in his rich neighborhood

and obviously can push his voice down to a growled threat or a shout, which makes his accent sound a lot thicker <3

[likablemuffin]

*Le gasp* APRILLL!!!

(From: Random ROTTMNT chatfic)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

usernames: 

Mikey: Glowyboi

Leo: Neon-Leon

Raph: PIZZAPIGEON

Donnie: Bootyyyshaker9000 (of course)

April: Kiwibirb

Also any spelling mistakes is intentional!

                                                                    Kiwibirb has entered the chat

Kiwibirb: I forgot this chat existed

                                                                   Glowyboi has entered the chat

Glowyboi: April!!! hiiii!!! :DD

Neon-Leon: hi

                                                                    Bootyyyshaker9000 has entered the chat

Bootyyyshaker9000: What the hell Leo.

Neon-Leon: wut

Bootyyyshaker9000: Do you just lurk on this chat waiting for one of us to come on, why did it say you didn't enter the chat.

Neon-Leon: i am snurt

Bootyyyshaker9000: Wow. You're snurt good job.

Neon-Leon: >:(

Kiwibirb: wheres Raph?

Glowyboi: o im pretty sure raphie is doing someting

Kiwibirb: ah I see

                                                                       PIZZAPIGEON has entered the chat

PIZZAPIGEON: Hi April! Sorry I was sewing Leo's mask back together

Kiwibirb: oh no what did he do to rip it? (her older sibling senses are tingling >:0)

PIZZAPIGEON: Dw he's fine it just got ripped while we were fight hypno

Neon-Leon: no in nt fin! i hav a cut on mu fsce now! >:(

Bootyyyshaker9000: Yeah but you're not dead.

Neon-Leon: tht dorsmt men it doent huet!

Kiwibirb: wait what happened???

Glowyboi: basically hypno throw one of his wierd saw thingys at leo and it cut him rigt in between his eyes

Bootyyyshaker9000: Which also, of course, caused his mask to be cut.

Kiwibirb: OH MY GOSH ARE YOU OKAY???

Neon-Leon: yee im fin i omly git a but of blod in mt eyes

Kiwibirb: WHAT

Bootyyyshaker9000: Don't worry April. He was brought back to the lair hurriedly and patched up.

Neon-Leon: ya!! dee evn cryd a biy 4 me!!

Bootyyyshaker9000: Shut up.

Glowyboi: yea it was pretty cute <3

Bootyyyshaker9000: Ugh. Shut up morons.

PIZZAPIGEON: Donnie.

Bootyyyshaker9000: I know...I know...DonT bE MeAn.

PIZZAPIGEON: Donnie stop it.

Bootyyyshaker9000: Sigh...alright Raphael I am sorry.

PIZZAPIGEON: Thank you donnie.

Kiwibirb: awww dee cares!

Neon-Leon: alays dos

Bootyyyshaker9000: Shut up PLEASE.

Glowyboi: aw theres nothing wrong with careing about ur family don!

Bootyyyshaker9000: I know Angelo its just....embarrassing.

Kiwibirb: whys that?

Bootyyyshaker9000: I don't know...I just feel embarrassed. I'm supposed to be the emotionless one right? 

PIZZAPIGEON: Who said that?

Bootyyyshaker9000:.....that's a good point actually. 

Neon-Leon: c???

Bootyyyshaker9000: I suppose you are all right...I just don't really like showing my feelings. Most likely because of my autism.

Kiwibirb: Ah that makes sense. Well you dont have to show your emotions if you dont want to although if you ever do we're all here to help :)

Glowyboi: yea!! we will always be there 4 u dee!!

Bootyyyshaker9000: Thank you Angelo.

PIZZAPIGEON: Yeah dw Donnie. We will always be here if you ever want to talk.

Neon-Leon: evn ur favrit twin!!

Bootyyyshaker9000: NO.

Neon-Leon: im comin 2 ur rom dee!!!

Bootyyyshaker9000: NO. DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.

PIZZAPIGEON: Language >:(

Neon-Leon: helo dee >:)

Bootyyyshaker9000: SHIT YOU USED ONE OF YOUR PORTALS.

Neon-Leon: com ere!!! lemme giv u a huuuuggggg!!

Bootyyyshaker9000: AHHH GET OFF OF ME-

Neon-Leon: hehe no

Bootyyyshaker9000: AHHHHHHHHHHH

Kiwibirb: Donnie needs this :)

Glowyboi: fr fr :)

PIZZAPIGEON: Dee needs some affection once and a while :)

Bootyshaker9000: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[lovepersevering13]

Now could you elaborate on Michael's autism

Alright it’s Michael’s turn!

I want to preface this part the same as before: I’m not a psychiatrist, this isn’t how autism is experienced by everyone and let me know if anything is incorrect :) oh also I’m a little bit more educated on how Autism is shown in girls so this one is a bit of a mess.

Ok so for Michael I kinda had to think for a bit about some like concrete evidence because I didn’t have anything annotated for him like Tori but I think I’ve come up with a pretty compelling argument (also I thought I’d let you know that as I was doing this I started to realise Michael may have ADHD but I don’t really go into that too much).

Firstly:

Alice Oseman herself supports this headcanon so…. Anhahahahajaja omg I can’t explain how happy this makes me! Anyway, let’s get into what I found in Solitaire!

1. Masking

- “Do you get angry a lot?” I say.

“I’m always angry,” he says.” Solitaire, Page 213

Ok we know Michael generally is a very upbeat, positive person on the outside but as we get to know him we learn he’s only barely happier than Tori. When I think about this covering up of his anger with overly positive emotions it is clear to that he is masking (Suppressing Autistic traits). Pessimism is a common m trait of Autism and the way I see it, Michael is overcompensating for this by acting super happy all the time to cover it up.

2. Deficit in social understanding

- “Do you remember when he tried to get everyone to do a flash mob for the Year 11 prank?” says Nick. “And in the end he just did it by himself on the lunch tables?” Nick Nelson, Solitaire, Page 39.

This quote when Nick and Charlie are talking about Michael shows and extreme lack of care about social consequences.

- “Michael Holden has swooped into the restaurant.” Solitaire, page 46

Ok so this quote and the entire scene on pages 46/47 where Michael shows up unannounced because he wants to ask Tori something displays extreme impulsivity and impulsivity is a common Autistic trait. He also didn’t care about the lack of social etiquette displayed by crashing a hangout he wasn’t invited to.

- “Michael is helping himself to our leftover starters” Solitaire, Page 48

Again, lack of social awareness because you aren’t really supposed to crash someone else’s dinner and just start eating their food.

- “He races inside and, without bothering to let me leave or shut the door, he lifts the toilet seat and starts to pee.” Solitaire, (I forgot the page)

LACK OF SOCIAL ETTIQUITE. DUDE.

- “He’s the strangest person I’ve ever met.” Solitaire, Page 62

- “I know Nick and I said he’s weird - and he is weird -“ Charlie Spring, Solitaire, Page 177

- “He looks sort of out of place everywhere.” Solitaire, (I lost the page)

People with Autism are often described as being “strange,” “weird,” or “peculiar,” because they are different from their peers which can make them stand out and struggle to fit in.

- “I, er, didn’t get on too well with the people there. Not the teachers, not the students…” Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 148

Because of the fact that people with Autism struggle with social understanding it can be very difficult to make friends and get along with other people.

- “I’ve never been good enough,” he says. “I get so stressed out, I don’t make friends - God, I can’t make friends.” His eyes glaze over. “Sometimes I just wish I were a normal human being. But I can’t. I’m not. No matter how hard I try.” Michael Holden, Solitiare, Page 376

Yeah, this quote hurts my heart. So many people with Autism feel as though they don’t fit in and that they aren’t normal. When you don’t have a diagnosis it can be especially difficult because you don’t know why. You know there’s something different about you, you know other people are doing and feeling things you aren’t and you know you’re doing and feeling things other people aren’t, but you don’t know why. It can be super isolating.

3. Challenging Authority Figures

- “…having that argument with Mr Yates during his mock exams!” Either Nick or Charlie, Solitaire, Page 40

- “I swore at Kent.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 269

It’s very common for people with Autism to challenge authority figures. Generally this is because they often naturally assume equanimity and don’t understand why some people should get more respect then others if they aren’t seemingly deserving of it. This stems from having a heightened sense of justice and empathy.

4. Autism and Sexualtiy

- “I guess you could say I’m not too fussy about gender.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, (I forgot the page)

We know Michael’s canonically Pan and as we’ve previously discussed (read Tori’s part for more info) Autism and the LGBTQ+ community are heavily intertwined. I tried to look into Autism’s correlation to Pansexuality but couldn’t find anything specific.

I also wanted to add in a little fact about how Neurodivergent people tend to gravitate towards eachother and queer people tend to do the same so Michael and Tori makes a lot of sense.

5. Special Interests/HyperFixations

Ok so, Michael gets pretty into Solitiare. Right from the start he’s obsessed. Taking photos of the posts, insisting they go to the meet up. I’d probably say it’s a hyperfixation.

And DISNEY. Holy heck Michael loves Disney… and if you haven’t caught on already, yeah imma say it’s a special interest.

- “He gasps and grabs a third DVD, leaps across the room to the flat-screen and switches it on. “We’re watching beauty and the beast,” he says.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 115

I mean look at how excited he gets over ‘Beauty and the Beast’.

6. School

- “Seriously. I haven’t gotten above a C grade in any subject since Year 8.”

“It seems almost impossible for someone like Michael to be unintelligent. People like Michael - people who get stuff done - they’re always smart. Always.” Solitaire, Page 188

- “When it comes to exams… I generally don’t write what they want me to write. I’m not very good at, well, sorting out all the stuff in my head.“

“I just don’t know what the examiners want to hear. I don’t know whether I just forget things, or maybe I don’t know how I’m supposed to explain it. I just don’t know.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 118

- “Because I hate school!” This is quite loud. He starts to shake his head.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, (I forgot the page)

A lot of people with Autism struggle with school and like Tori points out, it’s not because they’re not smart, Michael is smart. It’s just that the education system isn’t fitted to benefit Neurodivergent children. So many things affect Autism in schools. The dreadful sensory environment, lack of control over what they can and can’t do and the difficult social pressures.

7. Emotional dysregulation

- “He clenches his fist and he snarls. He actually snarls at me.

“Maybe you are a manically depressed psychopath.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, Page 163

Emotional Dysregulation is the inability to control the intensity and expression of emotions. This is common in people with Autism and can result in overly intense emotions and lashing out. I think this is something that heavily impacts both Tori and Michael and results in a lot of their arguments. The aforementioned quote is just one example of how quickly and dramatically their arguments blow up due to this.

- “His face contorts into a kind of scrunched-up snarl, his fists curl, his skin drains of colour, and he storms past the man and tramps over to the benches. He reaches a row of lockers and looks into them, blankly, chest visibly expanding and contracting. With an almost terrifying malice, he throws a crazed punch at the lockers, wailing a subdued howl of rage. Turning, he hurls a kick at a pile of racing helmets, scattering them about the floor. He clutches his hair, as if trying to pull it out.” Solitaire, Page 211

Oh there is just so much to cover here. So this is a prime example of an Autistic meltdown. Autistic meltdowns can be caused by overwhelming emotions (In this situation that is Michael loosing his race) and result in an outburst which can include crying, screaming (“howl of rage”), aggression (punching the lockers and kicking the helmets) and self injurious behaviours (Pulling his hair). It’s probably worth mentioning that a few of the outbursts he has towards teachers that I mentioned earlier are probably also meltdowns.

8. Stimming

- “Michael starts whistling.” Solitaire, page 198

Whistling is a form of stimming, this particular quote is from when they are in Truham looking for Charlie, considering Michael’s disdain for Truham I can imagine it was a slightly stressful environment to be back in which would validly result in a need for stimming. I actually couldn’t find any other examples of stimming except possibly the hair pulling that was mentioned in the last quote.

9. Pattern Recognition

So pattern recognition is the autistic brains increased ability to recognise patterns and in Solitaire Michael is the first person to put together the fact that all of Solitaire’s pranks were related to Tori. I really can’t be bothered to find the quote where they talk about those

10. Safe foods

I think that Tea is probably a safe food for Michael because he is often mentioned to have a mug of Tea in his hands. (But I’m not British so maybe this is like normal? How much tea do British people actually drink?)

1. Miscellaneous Quotes

- Since when did you acquire a body temperature” Solitaire, page 112

I know it’s probably supposed to be related to figure skating but struggling with temperature regulation is very common amongst people with Autism.

- “Most of the time at school I can’t even decide what pen to use.” Michael Holden, Solitaire, page 149

Indecisiveness is very common amoungst people with Autism

Alright that’s a wrap on Michael Holden. I’m thinking of doing a conjoined part for Charlie and Oliver if anyone would be interested in reading that :)

Some of the resources I used:

https://livingautism.com/decision-making-problems-adults-asd/

Thermal Perceptual Thresholds are typical in Autism Spectrum Disorder but ...

https://sparkforautism.org/discover_article/managing-emotions/

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC7430467/

https://neuroclastic.com/autism-and-responding-to-authority/?amp

[alpaca-clouds]

Something I never will understand is, how doctors can be so ignorant about chronic pain - and about autism.

Here is the thing: I have been having chronic pain for more than 20 years. Also, my specific flavor of autism comes along with the side effect that I often do not notice pain until someone specifically asks me if I am in pain. Basically, I am like a robot that needs to run diagnostics before going: "Oh, yeah, THAT PAIN! Yeah, I do have that. It is pretty bad."

Like, so often doctors in the ER have been: "On a scale from 1 to 10, how would you rate your pain." And I will go: "Wait a moment, I need to check........ Oh, yeah, it is about a 7." And the doctor will be: "If it was a 7 you would have noticed it before." And I will sit there like: "I dunno how to tell you that, but... No?"

Had the same thing on Monday with the endocrinologists and rheumatologists. I am overweight ever since I was on antidepressants. But we found out finally that my rheuma is sitting in my guts. And the senior doctors go: "But I don't get it. People who have that in their guts loose weight because it hurts, so they eat too little!!!"

And I am sitting there: "I have been having this pain for 20 years and for 20 years nobody took it seriously. I do not know what to tell you. What did you expect? That I stop eating for 20 years?! Also, do you know that when you are on antidepressants you can literally eat like 800kcal a day and somehow still gain weight?!"

Though gotta say: Hooray for the med intern at the station, who was like. "Yeah, actually there have been studies about this. It absolutely checks out."

[narcissisticpdcultureis]

autism + npd culture is ok yeah it might be your special interest but that means its my special-er interest because i enjoy it more and know more about it than you possibly ever could.

-🦖👑

.

[rockintapper]

hi again!!!!!1

the 1first one, the 2second one

heres me saying stuff about rhythm heaven fever charactersss yaaaayyyy

title girl - pres A and B to start!; what have they done to you

marshal, cam, and miss ribbon: the sillies ever hellooo hiii yayyy,,

monkey and mandrill (hole in one): someone in a yt comment section headcanoned that these two were gods. uh

golfer - is your foot okay

robot (gray/grey): oh, yeah!

robot (white): let's go! (screwbot factory 2 is so fun to play ^_^)

see and saw: YAOIIIIIIIIIIIIII

a boy/kouhai: autism be damned my guy can KICK /silly

his crush/senpai: ngl if i were kouhai i'd be blushing too

weasel couple: why is the girl weasel pink. why. why. why. w

fork: fork

monkey (tambourine): YOURE SO CUTE I WANNA SQIUSH YOU RHAUHURHUAHRAUHHRAHRAHARHU

frogs (tambourine): guh

the executives: they make good points. [spinning in a chair]

assistant: woouohwouuouwowuuowuuH

small monkeys: GOD I LOVE MONKEY WATCH /ref

monkey (remix 2): why is the girl monkey pink. why. why. why. w (shes serving though)

dough dudes: thats what theyre called???

mr. game and watch: what's a guy like you doin in a game like this? /silly

widget: hi widgets (i love built to scale 2 rhf)

baxter and forthington: YAOIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

muscle doll: [heavy sigh]

reporter: wubadubaduba, 'zat true?

wrestler: e.

employee #333-4-591032: is munchy momnk your cousin or something /pos

microbe: THEYRE COLORED LIKE IKIGUSARE /VVVVPOS

demons: STOP STEALING FROM PEOPLE

pinwheel girl: gender? i barely know her

another child: wait i thought that was the pinwheel girls mom. wdym shes Another Child /gen

ann glerr: she has muscles. Muscles. character made specifically for lesbians /j

quicknibble: tniy snalll lmaoooo

pausegill: pausegill what the fuck /ref

threefish: once you get the hang of threefish, catch of the day is gg ez no re (<- got it immediately)

captain tuck: he'd be a polar bear. prove me wrong /j; him in the superd screen AHHH /VPOS

flippers: the cuties wauuwiuawuaiwa <333

pitcher: fuckin idiot hats what you get for cheating /lh

slugger:SLUGGER??? S;UGG??ER/ SLIUGG??? SWLUD?? SLGU..?? SLUG??? Watashime S

the huebirds of nah im skipping this one

rhythm rockets: no way its rocket rhythmrocket on tumbler!!! i didnt know they were in this game!! /silly

uh… those guys?: donk DWONK!; man. donk-donk gives me so much joy forever. i love donk-donk.

bossa and nova: they would do so many arts and crafts projects together <3

love posse ft. mc adore: into you! (into you!) (love rap is kinda hard for because i keep tapping too early :( )

the tall TAPPPEOPFWHOULWRIBUILRBVBWEFYBNOIQDWR3YW808u(&^^^^#$q@#%^THE TAPT T AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the shrimp scamperers: you will never be them /j

school library pep squad: let's everybody go! yay!

bunny man: bunny man 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀

girl from samurai slice 2: YAAAAY SHES SO HAPPY AAUHIGHLFVHUBFW THE CUTIE YAYYY

the dough person from working dough 2: what's in that cup. what does that Liquid taste like. is it tea

lady golfer: so proud of her transition <3 /j

cat: Cat. C (hi kasper)

pigeon (hato-kun): boy why you so eepy

clock (mezamashi-kun):if i was that pigeon id have such a negative reaction to that ringing (i hate alarms

beans (omame-chan): i almost didnt notice you hello hi

lady cupid: her and love-san HATE each other /silly

kasuke and kosuke: YURIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

girl's basketball team: why is the hoop alive

frog and frog princess: what if people mistake them for a roach and

chameleon: a precursor to that chameleon minigame in megamix

flies: whats the point of this one

clap trap doll: people Despise you and im curious as to why

driver: tHE FUCKING CHICKNE??? FROM

lieutenant: it's you!

police call guy MY SON HE HAS EVERY DIEASE THE CUTIE THE SILLY MY BABY MY BOY I LOVE HIM SO MUCH I WANNA CRUSH HIM LIKE A BUG /VAFF

mr. hi-hat: if you were used in a normal drum set you would not survive

springs (hi-hat): MR UPBEAT??

rhythm fighters: i dont really care about these guys. uh yaoi

okay thas it.

WOWWOWWOW. OTOKO WA

MISSING YOU SABISHII

OH IT'S BLUE…

CRYING /LY

copy and pasted from notepad in case something happened while i edited this post!

[sirfleetfoot]

I dont know my name or anything right now. I'm a new alter formed over the past couple of days and well.

Thats the thing. I got medicated for ADHD and my mind has quietened down and its so calm here. When I'm not stuck in the static of my thoughts, playing in several realms at once, I just feel like Loki. Right now anyway. Shifts do still occur but I find that unsavoury ones from alters who would take over for coping purposes, happen much less frequently. Its become kind of odd, actually. When interacting with the body's family and friends, instead of shifts occurring (I have no idea what happens when theyre in the same place. I feel only one of us is fronting and pretending to be the other one that would front to talk to a friend if family is also present) I kind of just stay me. Whoever I am right now.

Thats the thing. All of us are Loki. We're always Loki no matter who we are. Right now I feel more connected to the 'essence' of Loki, as I feel the flame flickering in my chest, nice and warm. But there's kind of a conflict because I want to put feathers in my hair and fly across cold plains which...I can't do that. Not in this realm at least.

I feel there needs to be a distinction between 'corporeal' - 'real world' - physical world, external world whatever its called, and the...er, other one. Incorporeal? Spiritual? I dunno. Yeah. Two things can be true at once. I've always thought of things as absolute - autism haha - so if one thing is true the other can't be. Because I like computers and gaming and maths and programming and doodling, it seems, well, kind of the opposite to what the fire in my chest makes me feel. When I'm more connected to my self as Loki, I think...pine needles for some reason or pinecones, that appeared somehow, and the opposite of tech, and falcons and swifts. Lots of swifts. Snakes too. Haha banana snake

Maybe shit isn't that deep. Maybe I can be two things at once. Well, three. Even though I'm the only one fronting right now.

Theres...me right now, kind of unknown name, maybe T(). Who wears modern clothing and has tech related interests.

And there's me right now who is the opposite of that. I'm Loki chilling out somewhere. It's either a mind palace of the past or me doing other stuff in other planes. Not sure. Completely different.

Oh and there's me in animal form. That's why I identify as a therian. I'm usually a snake, swift, falcon, or a shrike.

And these are true at the same time. That's the thing I've been struggling with grasping. If one thing is true how can that other thing be true? If im here and like these things and like this, how can I be pretty much the opposite in every single way, at the same time?

Answer: I don't know. But I do know that I operate in 3 planes default. (Not counting if im covering for another alter while they're off doing god knows what and theyre the one who made a friend who thinks I'm that alter so shit is really awkward and I just pretend it's me)

So I guess, 3 planes authentic.

1 plane (covering+masking plane) non authentic but still happening.

Before the meds I was operating on like...20 🗿 also, I couldn't tell which were intrusive thoughts and which were actual stuff that was relevant. So. 3 is perfectly OK.

So...tldr : stuff is weird. Very weird. It keeps getting weirder.

The more I realize what's going on the more I hate covering for other alters because now I know its not me my friend thought they talked to. In the past before I knew I was plural I got an odd bodily sensation like I was watching my body talk, like they were talking through me to somehow behind me and I'm just relaying info from the person behind me to them. Actually I think that's pretty accurate. I didn't understand why. I've only understood why more and more recently and...I guess, I'm angry that it is this way. Really angry. And because the body I live in is tainted with trauma, especially since I look like SK (first alter) it keeps triggering shifts to SK which is really annoying. Also I get confused and think I'm SK which I'm not. Also SK isn't really active, he kind of grew up a bit to Cleo, so...I feel Cleo ends up fronting every time I just...see a picture of my body's face. I can't express things well, even anger, in the external/physical/corporeal/'real' world because everything is twinged with trauma and one specific alter, some versions of Cleo, have been carrying us through for years and years and none of us know how to really exist outside of the internal worlds. I feel we will be able to with time, but its one of those problems that are relevant every second, every movement, just you can't ignore it and if its a problem it will continue to be a problem every moment. If you can't ignore it you deal with it. Oh and I'm trying to learn acceptance rather than problem solving. "Yeah this occurs. Yes it sucks. Yes its a problem. And that's OK. I dont have to try to solve every problem immediently, especially since its not possible, sometimes the solution is completely unknown to you right now, a new experience or perspective is needed. I'm going to live with it instead of feeling things that aren't desirable are villains to be killed. Theyre part of me. They make up bits of me. I can't choose the good bits and try to kill the bad bits. It's just not even true."

So, yeah. Gonna have to live with the fact that existing as of now is very confusing, uncomfortable, and weird. People are talking to other people and I have to pretend I'm other people and its frustrating and invalidating. My body is riddled with trauma and associations with the body's parent that are no longer relevant. Seeing it makes an alter who technically dosent exist anymore front - or try to. Or his thoughts bleed into mine. I dont know my name or my story. I exist 3 times at once. Annnd that's OK. It is what it is.

Written by T - 'Midwinter'

[witchesofvaliant]

Hi! I've been for a while on Poppy's server, I dont interact much with people, im just starting as a witch and im struggling with autism. I never had issues with them, I feel safe and listened there. As an autistic individual I disagree with you about how its an unsafe server or maybe not accepting for neurodivigent people. I also seen you saying things about Poppys server being homophobic or creating channels for them separately

Idk its just not true that they are treated differently

There are many incorrect statements about this server and its just... There is so much hurtful things.

Im not supporting Poppy, idk, shes nice but i dont really even know who she is. Im just there because im there. And know her by name. Im not a follower or whatever you call it.. well. Yeah. Its. Please stop doing that. Its just harmful

Hello anon and thank you for the message!

I'm glad you feel safe and listened to, and I hope you continue to find places that are safe and comfortable for you to be in! My great hope is that the server does become safe and pleasant for everyone, going forward, but from what I experienced, as I shared, it wasn't safe for me, nor for others, as this post from @wayfind-er shows other asks related to the server where people have shared their experiences as well. That said, I did not say they were not accepting of neurodivergent/LGBT+ people, I don't believe they're homophobic, either. And it is fact, they created separate channels at one point for neurodivergency and LGBT+ members. I stated some uncomfortable and off attitudes about these subjects, citing experiences, not a perspective declaring them all as hateful towards these groups and I don't believe they are so, I'm aware many if not all are part of one of those groups or both. Myself and some other members in the server at the time simply disagreed and were made highly uncomfortable with the way some behaved towards either group and that is stated in my writeup on that here. If you take a look at my blog my only interaction on this matter has been that post, or other asks that other people have posed on the situation, as I am not in favor of ignoring anyone who comes to me to share their experience, and I did invite anyone to reach out to me about their opinions and experiences. Finally, my intention isn't to cause harm, it's to state the harm I've seen that was done to me and others in the server, and to give a message of caution and hopefully a wave of change for the better for those who are involved with that server. I don't want to cause harm, I have never intended to do so, and I wish all, including you and the server the best and hopefully a more positive and kind future.

[deathlygristly]

Still thinking through my instinctive beliefs about cause and effect and predictable consequences and how the probable autism plus growing up working class shapes them.

Reading the notes on another post about accepting that actually humans are mostly selfish and greedy as opposed to desiring to harm others, and I can see that they're right and I can accept it to some extent but I just can't get it emotionally.

Okay, since I drive so much, I will use driving as an example.

I think that if you choose to speed and weave through lanes and tailgate and drive recklessly when there are very obviously predictable probable consequences to that, you are morally responsible for those consequences. If you're just driving normally and something unpredictable happens, like the car in front of you suddenly stopping or someone suddenly jumping out in front of your car on a dark road at night, you aren't morally responsible for that but you are morally responsible for your reaction, like trying to help or leaving the scene.

I think the problem I am having is that I cannot imagine a reason for driving recklessly other than wanting to harm others. Maybe if you're driving someone to the ER? But in that situation you should have your emergency flashers on at least to warn other drivers.

The thing is though that like the study I linked the other day, richer people do drive more recklessly for reasons of selfishness and greed and not really seeing the people in other cars as real people. Like they're probably coming at it from a place of "I can do what I want and it's the most important that I get where I am going as quickly as possible" as opposed to "Haha, I hope I injure or kill a plebe today!"

But my brain has a lot of trouble accepting that. I don't know, I do think maybe it's an empathy problem caused by the combination of autism and growing up in a thoroughly working class environment.

Research by Paul Piff and colleagues suggests that individuals from middle class backgrounds are more likely to behave unethically than individuals from working class backgrounds. Piff and colleagues also find that individuals from working class backgrounds tend to behave more prosocially and altruistically than individuals from middle class backgrounds. The difference in behavior is likely the result of the emphasis middle-class culture places on the self and individual choice, versus the emphasis working-class culture places on community and relationships with others. Piff and colleagues’ research starts to illuminate some of the potential downsides of upholding middle-class norms of independence as the cultural ideal.

So yeah, there is some research backing this up.

[polyhexian]

Darius frantically googling childcare tips in the runaway au, hoping to god that the Emperor's Coven isn't monitoring his scroll. how do you take care of a child? how do you reassure a child? how do you feed a - okay actually that one's easy, Hunter has his father's painfully simple taste in food, if his looks didn't make it obvious that he's Jasper's son the fact that he considers salt a spice would be proof enough.

Eberwolf is like, I can give you some tips but they're all gonna be based on raising ratworm litters and Darius is like STOP.

Hunter is probably kind of an easy kid to take care of in most respects, tho. like you said, he's had to become independent. self-sufficient. I feel like a lot of his childhood he was kinda like a fawn - like, a mother deer will leave her baby in a place she deems safe and hidden, and the fawn will lay there completely still for HOURS until mom gets back. Jasper's definitely had to do that with Hunter, except as Hunter has grown older Jasper has likely left him alone for longer periods of time, so Hunter gets to wander around a bit while waiting for his dad to get back. Swipe some food, maybe work some odd jobs for some snails, visit the library and see if he can finish a book before they have to move on again.

so he doesn't complain easily, and he doesn't really get bored the way a regular kid might, he's used to either sitting perfectly still or going off to find something to take up his time. he probably also gets more mileage out of entertainment items Darius gets for him. Darius is like "uhhhh I found some crappy crayons and some paper, sorry, best I can do on short notice" and Hunter is just like, oh, cool! cuz he's rarely had time/space/resources to sit down and color on paper.

Darius is still fumbling his way through this tho. one night he wakes up to find a sniffling Hunter climbing into bed with him and he starts to panic like OH GOD IS HE SICK I DON'T WANNA DO GERMS BUT I WILL IF I HAVE TO except no, the kid just misses his dad. Darius surreptitiously grabs his phone to type in "what to do when a kid crawls into bed with you crying" except to his everlasting horror he did NOT type that into Ghoul-gle, he typed it into a text message and now Eberwolf is responding like DARIUS ARE YOU SERIOUS and Darius is like I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO and Eber is like JUST HUG HIM THE WAY YOU'D NEVER HUG A BABY RATWORM.

Rjjsjsjd Darius trying to figure out how to care for this kid via eberwolf describing how to care for various baby animals

Yeah yeah yeah. Hunter is a baby faun. He's very good at hiding and he's very good at following instructions. Jasper has to weigh a lot of risks. Is it riskier to steal what he needs, or is it riskier to earn it by bounty hunting or selling something or what have you? And things just get riskier as Hunter gets older. Another timeline where jasper can't give hunter the childhood he wants him to have, but he's going to make sure he has one that he makes it out of, at least. He would rather have an unhappy adult than a dead child.

Hunter is a little fuckin monkey. He's always stealing shit. Just to prove he can. I love this little goblin version of hunter, a highly skilled little artful dodger.

When I was a teenager and my dad left it was pretty hard on my family. My brother has down's syndrome and autism; he's nonverbal, low-functioning, legally dead/blind. So he has a lot of trouble communicating effectively. He was like nine around this time and yeah, normal stuff was no problem. He knew how to let me know he was hungry or he needed me to come hit play on his DVD or something- assistive communication devices were and I think still are thousands of dollars lol and my folks and I were eating out of the food bank so. Yeah. Not happening.

In any case, the point is that one night my brother started crying. Like. Really crying. Crying in a way id never heard before. And obviously my mom came but I drove him to the hospital and we spent all night in the ER while he screamed and sobbed and they did test after test after test trying to figure out what could possibly be wrong.

Nothing was wrong. He was completely fine, physically. The end "diagnosis" was... Our dad had been gone three months and it was finally hitting him that he might not be coming back.

Just thinking about poor little hunter trying to cope with the idea his dad might not be coming back because he doesn't know where he is or what happened to him; he's just gone and it hurts! Reminded me of that night (can you believe I had to go to school the next day lol)

All Darius can do is hold this sobbing little guy and tell him that at least HE isn't going anywhere because... What else can he say? It's going to be okay? Jasper is going to be okay? Jasper will come back? He doesn't know that. He doesn't know any of that. All he can do is his own best. And hunter just :(

[katyspersonal]

@fareehaandspaniards @jarognieva Are you FUCKING kidding me. You two can NOT be serious about this o_o" Alright, how many MORE people here really think that I am physically capable of losing passion for Bloodborne and I am not even aware of that??? fdhfdhs

I myself have a history of meeting a new person and liteally not even 5 minutes in scaring them with surprise lore essays! And I don't seem to ever learn, because I just.. how? How I can know how much lore is "too much" for someone, when for me all these essays is just how I NATURALLY function? Bitches be like "omg Kat you are working sooooooo hard to do so much research and write so much text on BB, I'd never have the patience! x3" and I just... don't know how to explain that I instead need patience to NOT do all this "research". I have to put in effort into NOT overthinking, not the other way around fjdhdhsf

And you guys have no idea how thankful I am for every single person that appreciates my approach to things, moreover, always wants to hear MORE? It feels like some autistic symbiosis xddd (Also Jara you SHUT the HELL up, you've made those posts about Polish language on the graves and that Czech Clocktower thing! What you did to finally show people that Yharnam is SLAVIC and not british is hard to rate!!)

___________

P.S. I do like ER, really, I do. I think what will likely happen is that I just end up loving all From's universes almost equally, but yeah, BB was my first intro to this genre and it will stay so. And it just... stands out too much. But all in all, don't worry guys, my autism is enough for ALL From's games. I've made only like, 3 ER observations in total and people already told me that the connections I've made were "unique" and something they haven't heard before...? All while I was as focused on BB as always. Basically, my obsession and my ability to analyze the information as though I've smoked five jointed dry lumenweeds is not a finite resource, it is more like breathing, so yeah, you two put your abandonment issues away xd

[forjustice]

Just before the Johto Moon Festival closed for the year...

N and Pokémon adoption centers--these two things were as inseparable as the two O atoms in oxygen. How strange it was, then, that he failed to make an appearance at the Moon Festival's adoption bazar, but it was not without reason. Toward the beginning of the Festival, his Carracosta's shell had gotten cracked, requiring immediate medical attention, and he would not leave his side until the poor prehistoric turtle was fit for discharge from the Pokémon Center. Unfortunately for him, this didn't happen until that evening. Which meant that if he wanted to pick up a Pokémon, he had to act fast.

One of his relatives in the sprawling web of the Volo family had mentioned what was there oh so casually--oh, yeah, did you hear? There's a bunch of Pokémon at the adoption bazar from Unova. You know how Handsome Ditto got banned in Contests there? Well, a bunch of them ended up in shelters and--And he was on his way, blitzing through the streets on the back of Reshiram toward the remainder of the festival. He slowed only to pay the entrance fee for that day, then zoomed past the attendant before she could fully get out the "Mind you, there's only five minutes before the festival closes"--he didn't care. Reshiram flew through the festival grounds at speeds that would make an Officer Jenny hop on her motorbike in hot pursuit, powered by the Fusion Flare lighting up their engine-like tail.

@onlyheartaches' Quicksilver, the fastest being in the world? No, it's N and his Pokémon, when they're on their way to pick up a new Poké-pal!

"I think that's Nathanael," Volo said to her family as she walked with Amaya and the children back toward the entrance, narrowing her eyes in concern as she saw the unholy blaze that that dragon was giving off. "Nathanael--"

But N didn't even hear his name being said as Reshiram slammed into her chest, knocking the wind out of her and sending her careening past the rest of her family.

"NATHANAEL!" Volo screamed as she breathed in, head spinning, her whole body pinned to the Legendary's chest with its speed. "STOP THIS INSTANT!"

"You're not stopping me!" N had to shout over the wind that Reshiram has kicked up with their speed. "I'm a man on a mission!"

And that mission was fulfilled when they descended like a wildfire on the adoption bazar. Reshiram screeched to a stop at its gates at 8:59 P.M., dumping Volo unceremoniously at the feet of the same attendant who suspected her of being a full kitsune and who had to deal with Allie being her bratty self.

That poor woman. Haven't my muses put her through enough?

"We're almost closed," she said. "Is there something you want, sir?"

N pointed to the Handsome Dittos remaining in the field.

"I WANT FIFTY."

The woman stared at him, flabbergasted. Somehow she could tell he wasn't actually completely kidding.

"We, er, we only have three left," she said.

"Then I want three. I'll take your entire stock," he said, with no idea of volume control or how intense he was being. Pokémon were one of his hyperfixations, and the autism had him by the throat.

The lady continued to stare. On one hand, what the fuck. On the other hand, the remaining Dittos had shapeshifted into Zoroark—picking up perfectly on the evolutionary line that N is a Pokésouled of—and had begun to strut and preen. They saw that almighty ball of flame nyooming toward them faster than it would through a whole clearing full of dry brush, its rider hoping to take them home. And that boosted their confidence more than anything else! Of course they’d want to go with this dude, are you kidding?

“Allow me to explain, if you have any reservations," N said, straightening proudly as he began to monologue about the beauty of his passion. "My full name is Nathanael Harmonia Asimov, but you may recognize me as N. While I have to admit that some of my past actions in the defense of Pokémon's rights have been...questionable, my desire to help them has always been unparalleled. There is nothing more bitter to my ears than the sound of Pokémon from any version of Unova being so callously abandoned as these handsomest of Ditto were--" the Ditto look even more pleased at the praise--"and yet nothing sweeter to my heart than giving these Pokémon a home. As a Unovan, especially a Native one, how can I not fulfill my solemn duty to help any Pokémon from my homeland--whatever version of it in the universe it may be?"

Slowly, Volo picked herself back up off the ground; though she was in human form, she shook herself off much like a fox would to get the dirt out of its fur--which didn't do much to correct the attendant's nagging suspicion of her.

"He's a relative of mine. I can vouch for him," she said, not aware that she wasn't exactly helping.

There were a few more moments of awkward stares before somebody noticed.

"The festival has already closed. Is everything all right?" another festival attendant called, heading over. Two choices: Either a no or a yes. She had to make a decision. Now.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this,” the lady muttered under her breath as she looked down, but soon gave the other attendant a thumbs up and put a smile back on her face—especially because the Ditto seemed to be smiling too. One of them was even giving her puppy eyes, having sensed her hesitation--trying to persuade her with a "pleeeeeeeeeeease?" Pokémon loving these two despite the fact they could be so off-putting must run in the family.

“Well, they certainly seem interested in you, sir,” she said. “And we did make it our goal to adopt out every last Pokémon in these fields before the festival ended. You are….quite passionate about these Ditto. And while I must strongly urge you never to speed through Festival grounds like that again, EVER, I hope that passion will inspire you to give them the homes they deserve."

With that, she handed over the adoption paperwork. N pulled out the necessary fees from his wallet, with the most "shut up and take my money" meme energy he's ever had.

"You know, you could have just gone back to Unova to adopt some," Volo grumbled as they walked toward the exit, still sore over being body slammed and then dumped on the grass like a pile of old clothes.

He was going to get several speeding tickets for this, but it was so, so worth it.

[fakecoolkid]

I messaged you. And just like that, I slipped down a spiral staircase that ended in a pit of needles. Punctured, bleeding, wounded, delirious. I texted everyone I could. I slipped into a mild psychotic state. The KGB were after me again. The wavelengths in the air. Brainwashing me just like the words and actions of sociopaths and narcissists. I’m being puppeted by so many people. Who all holds the strings? I’m scared. Terrified. I’m spiraling out of control. I haven’t cried like this ever in my life. It is constant. Every day now for the past 5 days. I am not exaggerating. It got so bad that one of my alters had to front and take charge. I don’t know what’s happening. I’m scared to do therapy tomorrow. It feels like I am reliving every bad thing that has ever happened in my life all at once.

All the childhood trauma. All the teenage shit. Early adulthood. All the heart breaks. All the failed friendships. All the deaths. All the failures. All the pain. So much pain. No hope. No hope. Things felt hopeful for a little while until they came back into my life. Agent of chaos. You truly are. Good and Evil doesn’t really exist. But chaos? Yeah. I think… I think too much chaos tips me into an in unbalanced state where I cannot grasp anything, I have no anchor, and I fall so far that the only way out is [redacted].

I wanted to reach out to my first ex-fiancé. My first love. My first kiss. But I don’t think he ever wants to talk to me again. Ever. And realizing that today.. along with everyone else who has turned their back on me… I cannot breathe. I cry too hard. I hurt too much. I gasp and cough and choke from all the crying. How could someone who was so madly in love with me, despise me so much that they won’t even talk to me anymore?

What the fuck did I do? Was I really that awful to him? Am I a monster?

People I thought were my best and closest friends - gone. Poof.

So I look inward. What is it about me that makes it so easy to walk away and basically tell me “fuck off.” Or “I’m better off without you.”

Is it because of my severe mental illness? Did [redacted] abandon me because I was too sick? What about [redacted]? Or this or that. The list really does go on.

How can I love myself?

The “love” I learned at a young age was that of rape and abuse and punishment and fear. There were tender moments too. But mostly fear. Mostly solitude. I always had difficulty making and keeping friends.

Thanks autism.

Or whatever the fuck I have.

I think if I killed myself, a lot of people would probably just say, “it was only a matter of time.” Very few will be shocked. And I think very many will be disgusted because how can a piece of shit like myself atone for my sins if I am dead?

I don’t want to go to the ER. But I know how this ends. Because my alternative personality will step in and rat me out to my therapist. I want to die, but the other personalities do not.

Great.

Another 12-20 hours spent in a shitty psychiatric ER. Cool. Real cool.

[fizzlingdrinks]

You know what?

You deserve compliments.

Some of this is gonna sound corny, but I've done my best to compliment you fairly without that many generic compliments, cus you deserve nothing else than the best.

I love your drawing style, and the way you portray SmallEtho is both hilarious and suprisingly accurate.

Its nice to see other nordmenn out on the internet, since we're not well known about :'D, so im suprised at finding someone som er norsk og interessert i folkeeventyr. Many of mah favorite dumbasses (friends) dont really know so much of folkevtyr og de tingene der, so its refreshing to see someone exited about it.

Your art is inspiring me to draw more myself, and i get exited every time you post <3

Im not gonna ask you to draw anything (in this ask anyways), but rather to look over your art and realize "huh this is some top tier art, yeah this shit ammaaaaazin" because its true.

Your art is so good, you deserve a fukins kvikklunsj. And a smågodt pose. A smågodt pose with a fuckton of the strawberry things bcus they're awesome.

Also how the fuckety fick fakk do you post so often?? Ur the fukings Flash. Goddam speed. Don't overwork yourself tho, stay happy and healthy you amazing Shrek x Kakashi shipper.

I have more compliments, but its 10pm and i have projects to work on and sleep to sleep.

Have a great night, and remember that you're amazing, people care about you and want you to be happy <3

HOW THE FUCK DID YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE THE STRAWBERRY THINGS WHAT THE FUCK

<33

I HAVE SOMETHING CALLED AUTISM AND THAT AUTISM MAKES ME SPEEDY ZOOM AND I ALSO HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING CALLED A CONCERNING AMOUNT OF SMALLISHBEANS/SMALLETHO BRAINROT

WDYM YOU HAVE MORE COMPLIMENTS ABDEJSBSKA <3

IM TRYNNA LIMIT MYSELF TO LIKE TWO DRAWINGS A DAY SO THAT I DONT GET BURNT-OUT BUT GOD DAMN SOME OF YOUR GUYS’S ASKS ARE JUST SO AUSGEKENWKWK

IM GONNA GO CRY BRB