#atp idc if i fail it is what it is

[k0kichiimagines]

i keep getting my period literally the day before exams and just :(

[mystiffox]

— the apple's falling from the tree

from Cross: The Star Sans by @overflowofcrows

star!cross makes me incredibly ill with the tragic found family vibes ... (lays on the floor)

also song inspo was Driver's Seat by Madds Buckley

also have some doodles too (slight spoilers on the fic's lore below! to explain some of my thoughts on clothes n stuff)

does Cross have a star necklace in the fic? no, probably not. did i show off about my thoughts on a star necklace to Simple anyway? yes, yes i did. anyway idc where u think the necklace is from (whether its a gift from dream or a remold of his broken heart necklace, who knows atp) now ONTO THE GANG (+ Error and Fresh)

to preface this: im mostly assuming for most of the lore beyond the crumbs given to me. so, i'd imagine that when the fight ended with the gang losing, Dream and Ink immediately jailed them up. they both seem keen on keeping the gang alive, so they probably would've tried to help them with anything to make sure of it- that is, if any of the gang would even accept it in the first place.

i'm making a small guess that if there were any wounds, they used what they had to take care of it, aka ripping out parts of their own clothing to use as makeshift bandages. dream might've gave them some supplies (out of pity.. or something) but whether that was not enough or not used, i won't know

even if it was enough, there's still the factor of inevitable outburst/breakdowns from any of the prisoners. i'd imagine it'd be so hard to calm any of them down because the gang were too used to being close together that using touch became the usual grounding method— so putting a barrier between them makes it infintely harder for everyone.

i think Nightmare doesn't use his jacket anymore. it probably feels like shit/too itchy and ragged to wear and reminds him of a past he wishes he could forget. (he must feel so helpless seeing all his boys suffer after taking care of them for so long... like a lost father trying his best and seeing how much he's failing at the same time.. man.)

Dust is almost always wrapped in a blanket, the hoodie completely zipped up as if he was trying to hide in it, keeping himself as small as possible (knowing his own breakdowns are the biggest And loudest)

Horror is probably yanked back to the memories of when he was back in his home au, quietly starving and losing all the progress he had with the gang.. trying to press himself against the barriers in hopes that maybe he can feel the others on the other side of it.. (one of his outbursts would be why he ripped off the sleeves of his jacket id assume)

Killer too.. unable to get to anyone and just. with his soul going haywire sometimes, having no available output that he's forced to ride it out on his own And in front of everyone.. yeah, you get the gist for those three

Error's a mess of threads- picks at his clothes and sews em back up, just to have a reason to move his hands. he's not too worried i'd say- it's a little reminiscent of the antivoid, and he's experienced insanity already (not to say it doesn't tug at his own soul-strings to see it happen to everyone else)

Fresh might be the "cleanest" out of everyone, with barely any visible tears, but i have a good feeling his body language is different. maybe the cap is now worn correctly. maybe he took off his jacket. he's tense. his guard is up. because a parasite would never want to be locked up in one place, right?

god.

God.

they make me so sick (message is mine btw)

[nono-uwu]

Chapter 136 thoughts -w-

Spoilers duh

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- this chapter was certified meh. Mid, even. Not great, not horrible, just eh

- Mika looks so fucking ugly atp

- Urd in action!! Too bad he looks ugly as hell while at it

- Since when was there a curse that vampires can't kill Mikayuu?? This is the first time I'm hearing about it?? Huh

- wow, for once Mikayuu fail at a plan. That's a first

- Krul looks so good, adorable, beautiful. Truly a Queen <3

- No Ferid vs Krul brawl this chapter :(

- also Krul why are you doubting ur abilities against Ferid? Ur still way older than him, have some confidence >:/

- Shinya!! He's so ugly lmao what even

- so is Kureto. Lol. Lmao even.

- Their banter is nice tho. I liked it

- Shinya is so chill with having the wall of his fucking room burst open (not like it's the first time that happened...) bro is over this

- Guren squad soon??

- seems like a deliberate move on Shikama to not reveal that Shinoa is the one devouring him bc despite *gestures vaguely* everything, Yuu would probably still side with Shinoa. I hope.

- Shikama looks a little better art-style wise!

- Right, Yuu's goal now is to resurrect the angels... EVEN THOUGH THEIR REINCARNATIONS ARE LIKE, RIGHT THERE?? Except Asuramaru who he fucking ate

- no way Yuu got the cheatcodes to bypass god himself. Someone gotta smite this overzealous teenager bruh

- also dude, do NOT become Shikama's successor, what is wrong with you, you literally just saw how badly he fucked up bc of the love for his people

- FUCK YEAH SHINOA IDC ABOUT YUU'S GOALS BC HE MAKES ME SICK ATP GO FUCK SHIT UP- I mean whaaat Shinoa no don't destroy Shikama's and Mikayuu's plans noooo :(

- "But I'll take it all from you... So you can never hurt anyone with it again." Queen behavior. Also Shinoa looks v pretty,,,,

- ^ so from that I assume Shinoa isn't just doing allat out of her 'love' for Yuu but also out of love for anyone who got directly involved in Shikama's batshit insane plans (so Mahiru, Kimi and Yoi (they were test subjects too. btw.), probably even Mitsuba and also Yuu and Mika probably. But I also like to think she's doing it for her past self :) )

- anyways watch Kagami make Shinoa go full yandere bc god forbid there is a decently written woman in this series

- ends on Rigr and his squad maybe hopefully cornering Yuu. BEAT HIM UP PLEASE- I mean what noooo let the poor guy destory everything to revive your past angel incaranations :(

[nozomi-kaizoku]

"luca, you're not a failure! you're just not putting in the effort!" I hope your head gets smashed in with a brick.

You do not get to tell me how to feel about my future and how my life will go, especially not after everything I've been put through.

I. GIVE. UP.

I'm done with trying to keep my grades up only to end up failing all of my classes by the end of the semester, I'm done with trying to maintain friendships that will eventually fall apart, and I'm done with trying to be a good person when all people do is just put me down again.

everyday is a constant loop of the same fucking bullshit, with no breaks whatsoever, and idk what happened, but I guess I just eventually snapped.

Remember that shitty teacher I was thinking about killing?

Well, today I got pulled out of class to go speak with a counselor and a security guard because my therapist had reported my homicidal thoughts to them, and they spoke with me about it.

When they asked about a weapon, I pulled out some scissors I had in my bag and put it on the desk, and I guessed they took it as a sign that i was gonna kill the teacher and they had me to a threat assessment.

Now, granted, yes I would use those scissors on that teacher, but it's not like i have a PLAN to do it. I can't even tackle down my 2-year-younger sister, let alone a grown ass man with the most greasiest hair I had ever seen in my life, and also it'd take WAY too much time and effort to make a plan to actually go through with it without getting caught, so why would I?

Long story short: I got suspended for 3 days and I ended up doing a threat evaluation after I left campus.

Listen, idc how serious threats are, but the fact that it literally me took me threatening a fucking teacher for someone to finally listen to me makes me so fucking angry, and atp, I'm fucking done.

This is EXACTLY why I say that nobody cares about you unless you're dead or making threats.

I have had my mental health dismissed for YEARS, and anytime I started showing non-romanticized mental illness signs, I was blamed and degraded for it. I had teachers complain that I was "resisting" the work in class, and how "disruptive" I was, an it just-- AUGHHGFHJGRJHFKGGEFWKJJEF /NEG

AND GET THIS! Similar shit happened at my old school and my mom had to transfer me from that school just so I wouldn't go and kill anyone, it was BAD. They basically proved my point.

I could've gone to jail, both for that time and today. And they don't care, because they want my life to be shitty. They want me to suffer.

Back to the topic regarding the teacher, My mom is literally defending him and victimizing him, basically saying "oh, he misworded it, he didn't mean to piss you off! he understands you!"

What the actual fuck.

I do not give a flying fuck what his intentions were, the impact is still there, and it could've costed his life.

he KNEW i was mentally ill, he KNEW that I had a lot of trauma from my old school. Yet for some fucking reason, his mentally healthy greasy haired bitch ass, had the fucking BALLS to tell me that it was MY fault that I was struggling, and to add on to that, he basically called me a dirty lazy pig (not what he actually said but he might as well have said that) because my hygiene was shit at the time BECAUSE I AM MENTALLY ILL.

And when this shit happened, he has he nerve to go and play the victim card and pretend like he didn't know.

Fuck you Mr. Gonzales, and fuck the school system entirely, ESPECIALLY THOSE BITCH ASS SCHOOL COUNCELORS THAT ARE SO USELESS THAT YOU MIGHT AS WELL NOT HAVE THEM.

"just use coping strategies" KILL YOURSELF, I AM MENTALLY UNSTABLE, YOU THINK JUST FUCKING BREATHING IS GONNA FIX ME??? FUCK YOU!

Anyway, I'm supposed to be working on homework, but after today, I'm not gonna do that shit, fuck that. Not like I care about my grades anyway considering how bad my mental health has been for the past 7 years.

[oars]

hiii I want to know more about appindex 👉👈

what is his relationship like with the other party members?

How easily does she trust other people?

If they are stressed or upset is there a thing/place/action that is comforting to him?

also anything else you want to share?

(I LOVE her design by the way, their appearance immediately caught my attention. Love your use of color too)

sorry this took me so long i swear when i saw this ask i started squealinf abd looking like this

gonna put it under a read more since um im gonna assume this will get really long lol

disclaimer im gonna straight spill my thoughts sorry if things stop making sense

i made a small comic just for the first question but tumblr doesnt like it for some reason and it prevents it from showing up unless you go directly to my blog :<

anyways i think overall appindex is like a mother of at least 6. companions come to them in the middle of the night like "i frew up :(" that typa thing

since family/clan n loyalty is very important to dragonborn and appindex just lost theirs before being abducted they are very quick to attach to these losers

i think while appin is not under the control of any god, lord, devil, etc they've created a personal hell of his own bc he tries to bear all responsibilities and burdens of those around him bc he's scared of failing and losing too much again. or all he has left really. that can make them kind of overbearing and it would be annoying if like the main companions didn't have issues and lowkey liked the attention.

what does get annoying is that it comes off as appindex not trusting their companions to do any heavy lifting but that improves in like act 2-3 especially since that's around the part the tav is expected to save baldurs gate. and the world like that's way too much weight for appin to carry on their own without breaking so atp they don't really have a choice but to let their companions share some of that albeit verrrry reluctantly

slightly more specific relations ---

shadowheart: shart is the first appin gets close to even if shes older i like to think she's like a little sister to appindex anyways <3 i should just show screenshots of the epilogue conversation bc it feels so fitting. probably one of the only companions to recognize appin's exhaustion and nag her

karlach: close in a years long tumblr mutual type intimacy way. "i'd let my mutuals come inside idc" type relationship. they occasionally sleep and cuddle naked. as good friends do. it's nice having someone they could rely on for literal heavy lifting and hitting bc in appin's eyes the rest of his companions are made of sticks and paper, save for lae'zel. girls who rip off heads with their bare hands and paint their nails in the blood :3

astarion: i do not know how to explain their relationship early on bc it fluctuates in my head. obviously irritated by how appin stops to help anyone and everyone especially since most of those people in act 1 are parents and children. appindex definitely laughs at his lame ass "seduction" bc it's pretty see through; it becomes less about seducing and just aiming making them laugh. appin probably said "im proud of you" at some point and it got to his head now he's vying for their attention and validation (get in line). my white hollow boned elf i'd probably give my organs to if he asked - appin

i think appindex is the more mature one, mentally and emotionally, especially since dragonborn develop and mature much earlier than elves do and i feel like dying young and being under cazador's control stunted astarions own maturity a bit. the result is appindex treating him like a child sometimes; not trusting him to do a number of things, scolding him,"dont treating me like a child" "dont act like one" etc etc. i think at some point he just does it and wears on appindex's extensive patience on purpose because he's a little freak like that :/. appin does not think its cute

ok no more of them next question

i think appindex is pretty trusting in a way. if they feel like they have no reason to feel threatened by someone they'll have their trust but that doesn't mean it can't be lost ofc. which is why they trust laezel and astarion so easily. why would they be scared of a tiny white elf who can't even get them to knife point (he failed that).

he does struggle to trust others to do things for them though, if he were ever to be out of commission or on the verge of it it would be like pulling teeth to try and get him to let someone else lead temporarily.

appin holds onto a piece of kednyr's old blanket bc it still smells like her :thumbs_up: karlach gives her a teddy bear with that piece attached to it as a gift. astarion may have helped but he will not confirm

extra notes ermm appin lived in the upper city, not a patriar or a servant, they just co-run an expensive smithy there.

as a passionate blacksmith (and someone who wants to become an artificer) appin is really intrigued by karlach's engine and wishes they could collaborate with dammon on how to fix it or make her a new one entirely

to add onto that he's extremely fascinated by the grymforge in the underdark its like a theme park to him. it is their nerdiest point in the storyline

they can stay underwater for a good period of time; an hour is their highest time

andd she has a prosthetic leg around age 40-45 sorry this got so long . this things in my head 24/7 rn i tried to omit some things to make it shorter but oh well

[sailingfireshipz]

Him crying at the hospital as he's giving the update to 51...and hum in bed after failing to relieve stress from Stella's nightmare and not knowing how to help😢🥺🥺

https://www.tumblr.com/sailingshipz09/761647608925126656/stellaridegifs-i-know-stellas-the-one-who-got?source=share

He was absolutely tooooore up in that hospital. The fact that she asked if he'd been there all day as if he would think about leaving her.

They could have shot some really incredible scenes related to her nightmares. Like they could have had her talking in her sleep before she jolted up. She could have been sweating a little. I wish we could have seen him talking to someone asking for advice on how to support her.

So many missed opportunities. Sometimes, I'm like, what do i have to do to get in the writers room. They can have the ideas for free atp idc 😫

[thebigbidea]

I've vaguely mentioned her in a previous post but here's my Welcome Home OC/ Self-C. Her name is Emira. Emira Eagerly. Emi for short. Alike me, she uses all pronouns, (she/he/they), and is genderfluid. Oh! And after realizing her design was alike the Joyfuls, i decided she'd be related to them somehow. Like, first cousin once removed, maybe?.

Anygay, this is just an art/info dump to get her out there, i didn't feel like curating a post to get likes, so yuh.

I'll be using she/her pronouns for Emi only so it doesn't get confusing xd // the green text is kinda like the words i exaggerated while theoretically talking

Here's my first real sketches of her <33

Ignore the crappy Julie drawing lmao. I made a poopy mini comic about Emi getting a haircut.

I do heavily multiship WH characters. Mostly me multishipping Wally x Julie, Julie x Sally, and Wally having a crush on Eddie (the other characters i ship aren't multiships, just regular ones like Poppy x Howdy and Frank x Eddie). This is all to say that i also multiship Wally alot. And so, i both hc him as pan and ship him with my own OC (and some other peoples' OCs that are really cute). I also hc Wally as having a bit of a preference to guys, sooo, when Emi cut her hair, Wals was like awooga.

And yea, that's basically what the mini comic was. Emi cut her hair and this caused Wally to start crushing a little.

Colored!!

I think atp i did figure out that i wanted Emi to be a fashion designer/ seamstress.

Other outfits!! Yippie!! - I really love the party outfit. The shoes, ahhg! I wish they really existed.

Hehe, lil (crappy) sktech :·)

Oh yeah, i kind of had the idea of Wally drawing out the patterns for Emira when she was overwhelmed with ideas and didn't know where to start on an outfit. She'd just waffle about her ideas with Wally. Probably assumed he was drawing an apple or something, but oh? What's this? You drew a whole template for the dress i was rambling on and on about!! Thank you, Wally!

Her house :·)

AHHHH i love this drawing!!! Em and Emi, Emira and Emira, she and he, they and they, idc how to describe it, just.. genderfluidness!? And also, the outfits!! I just loved drawing them, I'd hella wear them irl. Especially the belt. I wish i had that 1970s belt irl!! I also loveee how she has longer hair and shorter at some point, meaning i can basically give her any hairstyle i want in my art!! It doesn't have to be consistent (unless it's a comic) - :·)) // this took me about 3hrs. And i barely took any breaks, that's how much i enjoyed drawing her!! Ahhh!!!

I was just looking through Pinterest and got the inspiration!! Well no, not just that. I failed to mention b4 that I'd like to think in the WH Halloween special, Emi attempted to dress up as a biblically accurate angle.. but it scared the kids tm (not actually, it mostly scared Frank) so she changed!! Her alternative costume was a clown!!. - And while, no, i didn't draw her as a biblically accurate angle, i did still make her an angle!! :·)

I do like this drawing, butttt my original sketch was way more expressive than this one. My second sketch was definitely more stiff, however i still went with it bc the first sketch was kinda wonky when flipped. Whoopies!!

//

Now i can ramble about Emi wayyyy more. I have so many more headcannons, comics, and crappy little drawing not shown here but this post is getting to long!! Buh bye, now loves <33!!!

[ginaporterr]

ok but like … tim could have given rina closure in s1 and s2, literally at any point, could have continued pw and gave ricky a fucking new love interest since “oLiViA lEfT” as they keep parroting. esp in s1. they were meant to originally be a plot device and he could have left it at that, end of s1! but he didn’t! he could have had them talk it out in 2x12 and have ricky encourage gina to pursue ej and made lily the new lead somehow idk, or like i said earlier, brought in someone else. but they didn’t! they literally gave no closure or any fucking SIGN that miss m’aam was over ricky, and that ricky was over her/not thinking about her, and had them NOT TALK FOR THE REST OF THE ENTIRE SEASON, UP TO S3E2. like come on now. do the math. at that point they were the only main couple with a storyline that hasn’t ceased since 1x05, just ceased talking to each other. they literally had to not be in each other’s orbit for the beloved, healthy, ~real endgames~ to flourish, rini and portwell, disrespectfully. what the fuck did these people expect 😭 you don’t have to like how they did rina idc but if you act like it came out of nowhere atp you’re stupid and there’s no sugar coating it. like either you’re in denial (even though it’s in the scenes of the SHOW you are watching and stanning) or you are stupid, those are the only two options. like i saw the pw breakup from the stupid slices parking lot first kiss scene in the s2 finale from miles away and it was supposed to be a happy scene! like i need rinipws to be fr. sorry for the rant but i saw hsmtmts brazil stans trashing rina on twt and ive had enough of seeing the rina hate on social media 😭 the best ship in the show, one of the best new age drama ships, and literally a top 10 disney ship if not top 5, and everyone hates them bc they’re rinis who want gina to end up with ej bc he’s the only single core 4 lead left, who’s not ricky.

exactly, rina's story was left open-ended for a reason + rinipw were very obviously set up to fail! there's really no getting through to people that are convinced that rina's the worst thing that's ever happened though, they don't actually care about anything other than trying to convince themselves that rinipw actually made sense and that rina was somehow fan-service despite being the unpopular ship 😭 regardless, rinipw's dead, we're getting rina in s4 (and beyond, pending a renewal) & there's nothing they can do about it except sit through their story and/or continue crying about dead ships <3

[hey-kae]

no but im so done with ferrari. this is how they expect their drivers to stay huh? by not listening to them. people say charles doesn't complain and is always taking the orders- but even when he does fight back, they don't listen? atp idc how much charles wants to win with ferrari. he has to go. this team doesn't respect him and its so aggravating. Infact charles shouldn't express the need to change tyres. the team should do that on its own. whats the strategists for huh? i had faith in Fred but seriously what is he even doing? at the end all decisions are depend on the tp and if Fred doesn't listen to him then idk who will.

Exactly. It’s already bad that charles (and carlos) is having to think of strategy calls while driving but you also ignore it?

Like what are they? Incompetent, stubborn and in denial. They should trademark that and use it as their motto because how??? How do you fuck up that bad this often when you’re literally working at the most prestigious and highest level in motorsport? With f1’s most successful team as well?

Sometimes i literally just sit and wonder how were they hired? Because they’re that bad and still employed?😭

I’ve already been over the “charles needs to go” thing and he definitely does but with they way the grid is looking to be in the next season, he’s more or less stuck😭

I had hope for Fred as well and while I don’t feel like he’s doing enough, i also don’t think we should just entirely say he’s failed because technically, the car was still made under binotto, and he can’t just fire half of the team mid season or right before the start of the season. Idk he definitely could be doing more but at the same time I’m conflicted because the areas he focused on have improved (pitstop for example). I also think it was too big of a jump from a team as small as alfa to a team as big as ferrari so idk

I hate this team for how much they pointlessly work my brain honestly. Not kidding, sometimes i catch myself happy on saturdays and sundays and then I remember ferrari and stare into oblivion a little

[fortunec00kie]

Fuck how everyone feels atp. I never fail to realize the things I do that are self sabotaging behaviors end up being for external validation and I’m tired of fucking feeling like I need to do something for money or for other people to relate or so my bf can be happy w me or so my parents won’t call me lazy or my followers won’t think I’m champ. IM DONE I’m doing everything for me now I’m no longer giving af about how many people are looking who’s hating and who wants to see me win. I don’t even care if I win anymore I jus want to be at peace and finally do what makes me happy without expectation or a goal even. I jus want to create and learn is that too much to ask? Whatever, I’m not asking anymore I’m doing my own thing. idc who calls me crazy or who questions my methods I’m changing my life right now today and I’m not apologizing for being myself.

[antiquaries]

1. Ackshually idc if ao3 donators also donate to other websites I'm pissed off because they always exceed their goal while the other two fail to reach theirs so it's pretty obvious where preferences lie cuz atp it's clear that there isn't a dearth of people willing to give money 🤡

2. Ik there's morally reprehensible stuff on the internet buddy. Sidenote: us "antis" think pretty poorly of the ppl who make that stuff too and i was literally groomed by the creators of one of those colourful pieces🙂

3. My complaint was also about how people think any level of content moderation on a fucking FANFIC WEBSITE makes ppl act like their political rights are being taken away????? "aurr naurr we're being CENSORED😢"

4. Your whole blog is dedicated to being a proshipper like deadass??? Cringe also do not talk to me again idc what you have to say and I love my high horse😘🤭

Some of you really think ao3 is the last bastion of free and uncensored speech don't you? Like damn they won't let us write our rpf fics involving minors OBVIOUSLY we're oppressed.

btw let me just ignore every fundraiser organized by wikipedia and the internet archive, a site which is actually genuinely in need of donations to fight their legal battles and stay up, that actually contains information more widespread and irreplaceable than fanworks. But I guess the serotonin rush is not the same or whatever so idc

[chocoenvy]

now. hold on. wait a minute. what if we combine kitsune!reader & the masquerade au.......... 👁👁

i am saying this specifically bc reader being a flirty piece of shit. idc if reader is basically their own character atp. flirty piece of shit reader who accidentally makes the Tsaritsa actually fall for them..the trying to kill her part is just a personality quirk. besides, your teeth are sharp but hers are sharper, and she bites back :)

i am specifically thinking abt the Tsaritsa holding you against her chest with one arm while she tries to brush your tail – which is thrashing around bc your angy. no touchy >:(

so she pets your ears instead..which always makes you super sleepy n comfy so you start nuzzling into her hand without realizing.........when you snap yourself out you just. bite her hand as hard as you can.

which tbf does make her pull her hand away..but you also know shes gonna bite you back and it's going to hurt 10x worse then when you do it so you just slink off her lap while shes wiping the blood off her hand and bolt.

but also kitsune!reader who flirts w the Tsaritsa to get what they want. especially in front of the Harbingers bc seeing the look on their faces, that you'd have the audacity to say such things to Her, and in front of them no less??

she knows your just using it as a way to get what you want but she'll still drag it out bc shes touch starved and refuses to admit it. she'll refuse most of the time anyway bc you ask for things you obviously plan to use to escape with, but she takes what little affection she can get from you, real or not.

i just thought sbt this bc hehe piece of shit reader go brrrrrr but what if i made them Worse but also hotter. and the look on the Harbingers faces if you actually managed to fluster the Tsaritsa.........priceless - eros

EROSEROSEROS...

MASQUERADE BALL.... WHERE READER IS TSARITSA'S PLUS ONE AND THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT the reader has to try and alert Ei and Miko that they're not there. Either Tsaritsa is threatening reader or letting them choose their poison.

JUST.... and reader playing around with EVERYONE'S emotions by dancing with ei/miko. Or reader trying to avoid them and failing. Who knows if reader will get recognized by them or not. Depends on whether reader wants to go with them or not.

Also reader being a flirty piece of shit. Reader that's dnacing in the middle of flirting with the Tsaritsa and ei and miko. They won't choose which one bc in the end you're jsut going for the easiest option. You don't know who that is anymore so you're in teh middle, flirting with them all at the ball.

But you won't be able to do that for long, you'll have to choose soon. and when you do, somebody will be left unsatisfied.

[cloudyyoungjaes]

Despite it all, I’m still gaming

Content Warning: Vivid talks of mental health, suicide ideaion

A/N: I posted this on my self insert blog. Gonna post it here. Might’ve doxxed my location. idc atp. i’m tired.

I still agonize about being alive. Video games are a way to keep my mind off everything…even if it’s for a while. It’s not much, it’s distracting me from homework that I need to do. I’m actually considering going to the Redbird Gaming Center every day if I could.

I’m in 5 gaming clubs: Redbird Esports, Redbird Final Fantasy XIV, Redbird Yu-Gi-Oh!, Red Bird Fighting Game Club, and Board Game Club @ ISU, though I don’t consider myself a part of the Esports club. Out of the five clubs that I’m in, I’m only active in 3 of their Discord servers, and 2 that I go to meet in person…which is fighting game club and Yu-Gi-Oh! Club. Sometimes FFXIV clubs meet up in the gaming center. All three sometimes meet on the same day. It’s a lot. It also makes me feel like I’m wanted, that I actually want to be around people even if it’s only for an hour or two…or five sometimes. Normally, I would avoid going or if I do go, I only stay for an hour or two. My social battery is always on the fritz unfortunately. It’s always one use away from exploding.

But being around people while playing games? Seeing people play in person? It makes me feel alive. For once in my dull life, the rush of colors fills my eyes. Monochrome slowly turning into this natural sunlight as I enter Schroder 210 at 6pm on a Saturday night. The room is dark as Doc’s sitting near the door on his phone. Car Fax and another dude battle it out in BlazBlue Cross Tag projected on one wall. Ethan is off in the corner playing Dengeki Bunko FIGHTING CLIMAX IGNITION on his usual set up. I’m about to pull out the laptop and ask Doc if I can borrow his fighting stick for the nth since the club’s formation because I want to get on the Bridget grind in Guilty Gear Strive.

I’m about to get my ass kicked in Strive by Car Fax again.

I play against Car Fax and get my ass handed to me, again. Ten times in a row. Against his Leo. Because it’s Car Fax and no one dares to win against him nine times out of ten (he is really that good). I block and I get a few hits in; my left hand rotates the stick while my right mashes the face buttons trying to remember Bridgett combos. Yells of pain from our characters on screen ring in my ear as Bridgett flies across the screen, swinging her yo-yos at Leo only to get blocked and then my ass proceeds to get beat.

(“Learn how to block”, he says to me, going for yet another fucking mixup.

‘I’M FUCKING BLOCKING!!!’ I cry back as I get attacked again, struggling to hold backwards on stick while getting blasted by said fucking mixup. Doc’s holding a lecture on Red Ranger combos in the background.

‘Not on wake up you don’t!’ and I lose. Again.)

My left wrist is in pain, unfortunately Strive’s movements take a toll on my wrist, but a smile appears on my face. I’m having fun. A high if you will, like my heart feels lighter…the sadness disappears for that one moment. (I just want to feel happy again)

I’m at the gaming center yet again on a Tuesday at 12:15 pm after my Linguistics class. Debating whether to skip my Rhetoric class again as I boot up Final Fantasy XIV. I don’t want to go to class…But I also don’t want to fail that class. But having to feel stupid in that class—

The game boots up and I hum. What do I want to do today? Continue Hildibrand’s wacky ass adventures? The Heavensward patches are only two quests a piece totaling 8 quests but I’ve done 2 of them so that’s 6 quest left. But the cutscenes…and I don’t want to skip the cutscenes. The cutscenes look so good with the gaming center’s computers; like I can turn the graphics up to max settings and not worry about lagging.

Level up Dark Knight to 70? All the roulettes are always full of “Tank in Need” but…tanking gives me anxiety. Having to remember to press my mitigations so I don’t overwork the healer, unsure on what I’m doing as a tank rather than a DPS doing only damage, not to mention the last time I tanked…I got goaded pulling big piles of enemies. It was horrifying, I don’t want my party members to die--

Level Bard to 90?? There are barely any “DPS in Need” popups in roulette. Also leveling from 80 to 90 is such a pain in the ass. I don’t get any of the higher level dungeons, but I somehow get the higher level raids and I don’t want to go through that. I died several times to Omega because I don’t remember the fight. At all.

I lean back in my chair, watching my character just stand there as one of my chats pop off. Tired…I’m so tired. Maybe I should just vibe? The room’s plenty dark with only red lights lighting the room. It’s not blaring too; it doesn’t give me a headache.

…I’m going to skip class today. I don’t think my heart can handle being in there right now. A sigh. I check Discord to see if anyone pinged to do anything today. No one did.

Another sigh. Alright, today is a day of fucking around in roulette with Bard and Crystalline Conflict with Black Mage, I guess.

At least I get to see explosions go boom in Crystalline Conflict. I mean. I die a lot like usual, but the explosions and getting my skills off was nice. Roulette as Bard, on the other hand…

Well, at least I have my three songs; I can at least be at full power (or as I can, as I get my ass beaten by Omega. Again. I keep forgetting the knockback exists and I fall off the edge, screaming for a healer to revive me). I mean. We defeated Omega, but I’m still fucking dead. I go into Alliance Roulette, and I get Weeping City of Mhach and I fucking hate this raid because the first boss gives me so much psychic damage because it’s a spider of all bosses I hate this boss I hate this boss I hate this fucking boss; whoever has their Item Level set to Weeping City I hope you don’t get high parses if you do savage you fucking IDIOT I HATE IT HERE--

I’m already tired after NOT dying after that first boss, but regular dungeon roulette is a pain and I certainly do NOT want to do 50/60/70/80 dungeon roulette; I do NOT have the spoons to deal with dungeon roulette. Love this game, hate how I’m about to explode because of that raid I got. I would’ve preferred Algia because at least I got to die to Thal’s Balls and God do I fucking love balls. Especially dying to them; those are always fun. Love getting the balance mechanic right and Nald’Thal saying “Well Done! You are deserving of a Reward!” gives me so much fucking serotonin you don’t understand.

(I wish someone gave me a headpat and praise like that. I think that will make my life a bit better.)

…

Yeah, I’m just going to fuck around with Hildibrand and his whack ass adventures until like 1:30 and then go home and nap…Don’t want to deal with anything today.

(Or ever. I don’t want to deal with anything ever. I just want my life to be over with.)

    It’s this extreme high of happiness that keeps me going up and up. So high up I can taste the cold rushing into my lungs until I crash in the ground. Hard. And I start isolating myself from everyone again.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead.

I wish I was dead

I don’t think anyone understands how much I hate myself and I wish everything would stop but I can’t do anything about it and how burnt out I am just for existing. It’s like I’m a puppet on a string and some higher being is my puppet master trying to poke my ass to do something. I guess playing games gives me some form of normalcy…or self. Because what does me screaming while tanking or me constantly losing in Guilty Gear Strive say about me? I dunno, and I don’t want to fuck around and find out if we’re being honest.

Video games gave me something to look forward to but it’s false hope in my eyes. Final Fantasy XIV has patches planned while we wait for the next expansion. Fighting game tournaments are always popping up; I want to get better at them so I can compete and represent the fighting game club. I want to commentate a Guilty Gear tournament; I want to be like the legendary commentators like Bronston Tran and D1 and Croney. I want to be able to be able to just play and not worry about anything ever but everything happens and it sucks; I want to experience that childlike joy again and again and

I—

I want to live. I want to live to do those things. To compete, to see the newest expansion, to be able to commentate a match or a livestream. I want, I want, I want—

But at the same time…I’m tired of being alive. It’s this pull between wanting to live because of games and dying because I’m a failure at everything else. I’m teetering at the edge of staying alive long enough to see those things and dying to hide my failures from my family because I would rather play games and learn about gaming than doing my degree.

But I can’t tell them that; I’m already seen as the family disappointment. I can’t bear it; I know I’m a failure in life…I don’t want to be reminded again. No one else knows that gaming is one of the only things keeping me alive; they don’t know that I want to die oh so badly.

Despite it all, I still have to march on. If I can’t live for myself, at least for the games I can still play. For their stories and communities to etch in my still beating heart.

[romiantic]

𝐃𝐀𝐓𝐈𝐍𝐆 𝐑𝐈𝐍 𝐌𝐀𝐓𝐒𝐔𝐎𝐊𝐀

❛ 𝐫𝐢𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐬𝐮𝐨𝐤𝐚 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐚 𝐛𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐤 𝐬/𝐨 ❜

[ 𝖱𝖨𝖭 𝖬𝖠𝖳𝖲𝖴𝖮𝖪𝖠 𝖷 𝖡𝖫𝖠𝖢𝖪!𝖥𝖤𝖬!𝖱𝖤𝖠𝖣𝖤𝖱 ]

✰ 𝗚𝗘𝗡𝗥𝗘 + 𝗪𝗔𝗥𝗡𝗜𝗡𝗚𝗦: fluff + no warnings

✰ 𝗔/𝗡: i have nothing for free and atp it’s making me mad

⤷ Your number one FAN when it comes to hair, each and every time you get your hair done and your hair is out in its natural state that boy is ON YOU. Rin finds your hair something so extravagant and a masterpiece, especially when it goes from messy braids to a beautiful fro or when you still many choices of colors and styles of wigs, it just amazes him

⤷ Everything about you Rin just LOVES, from your curly/coily fro down to the tip of your brown toes, you’re one of the most beautiful people that have entered his life

⤷ Dating Rin would have to be a mixture of excitement, compassion, and late night talks

⤷ Especially late night talks, from how Rin life went, his friendships, leaving and moving back to Japan, becoming one of the top swimmers, sometimes Rin needs a break and you offering an ear to listen just soothes him

⤷ Also, Rin is VERY affectionate around you, in public he’s a bit sheepish. Don’t get me wrong, if he’s feeling good for a competition, he’ll give you a kiss before heading to his heat

⤷ DATES. every. single. week. Anytime he doesn’t have a competition, he takes you out and surprisingly enough he’s very creative whenever it comes to dates, from nice walks around town to a classy date and crashing a wedding

⤷ Not to mention but the both of you are ALWAYS looking fashionable whenever you are out, ever since you showed Rin to streetwear, this boy never looked back. Plus, every single check that boy gets from swimming, he’s ALWAYS spending it on some shoes for you and him. Rin is a sneakerhead idc idc

⤷ If you two aren’t on a date, it’s a chill night with music playing in background or a movie night that ends up with one of you sleeping on another’s lap. If you’re sleeping on his lap, he plays with your curls/coils until he falls asleep himself

⤷ Did I mention this boy have IMMACULATE taste with music? Rin’s music choices expands well and it never fails, one day he’s listening to Snoh Alegra and the next he’s listening to Doja Cat’s new single

⤷ If you’re in college, Rin is actually helpful when it comes to studies, well he tries. It takes him time to get an idea of the topic but once he does he’s on a ROLL

⤷ Optional but more than likely you’re gonna be friends with his friends, especially Sousuke, Haru, Makoto and Nagisa. They impacted his life heavily so of course you’re gonna meet the important people in his life

⤷ The two of you are always doing those cute couple trends on tiktok. Speaking of, the both of you SPAM each other with tiktoks

⤷ Spooning>>> Rin doesn’t mind being the big or little spoon, but mostly favors being the bigger spoon

⤷ CUDDLES, CUDDLES, CUDDLES 24/7, it’s never day where the two of you aren’t in each other arms

⤷ BONUS: your “song” would be pov by ariana grande

𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓: @blackweebtrash @tsumusitadori @asaincy @morosis-haze @thechinadoll @kentania

if you would like to be added onto the taglist, fill out the form on my navi or let me know in my inbox !!

✰ FINALLY posted something for free, tired of seeing “nothing yet !” there mmcht

✰ omg please send free requests cause I actually wanna get some stuff out

✰ hope you guys enjoyed <33

bye babes, drink your water, stay hydrated, and remember that you are the baddest bitch on the planet 🥰 no matter what ANYONE says

𝟐 𝐂𝐨𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐚𝐧𝐬 𝟏:𝟑-𝟓 💗

FREE! MASTERLIST ✰ MAIN MASTERLIST

© 𝟤𝟢𝟤𝟣 𝗄𝗈𝗂𝗌𝗁𝗂𝗀𝗎𝗋𝗈. 𝖺𝗅𝗅 𝗋𝗂𝗀𝗁𝗍𝗌 𝗋𝖾𝗌𝖾𝗋𝗏𝖾𝖽

[solarheroine]

with everything going on, a dear friend of mine has recently decided to leave the rpc. they don’t have a known blog or a platform, so they asked me to use this blog to broadcast what they told me. this was via discord so sorry for the bizarre formatting.

this whole thing is why i don't wanna get in the rpc. very performative it's supposed to be about fcs of color but all of that makes it about everything But that ppl don't care about representation they only care about virtue signaling and making it known that ~they're inclusive~ i've just been watching on that lil throwaway blog i don't use and i'm just very rubbed the wrong way by the entirety of the rpc rn  i just find any of it hard to believe when the ppl making the lists aren't using any of the fcs or if all the fcs are light  no one truly cared until another black person was murdered and black people, once again, had to bear the brunt of making shit shake to bring things back to the conciousness nobody in the rpc has good enough race politics to do any of the talking everyone's doing rn. everyone's misinformed and uneducated and really just clearly haven't done any of the needed leg work when it comes to sociopolitical research and reading and it shows like blatantly clear i'm reaching a point where i'd rather nobody talk about it at all, bc this continued dialogue of the blind leading the blind is literally harmful like real life harmful  and it's the fact that i wanna say something but if i did it'd get ignored i don't have the platform, plus i'm black so atp i give up the rpc isn't a home or a community for me and so i don't feel a heavy enough obligation to try and fix it  it's not even that it's not welcoming, it's that all the niceness is fake and smoke and mirrors bc nobody knows what they're talking about there's no point in anyone talking about inclusivity or race politics if they haven't done the required reading and idc how good their intentions are at the end of the day  but everyone acts like everyone's good and growing and learning and that's not the truth no one's growing if they're not actively making moves to understand the things they're talking about so many of the questions the rpc asks could be fixed if anyone just read a book literally so many foundational texts that exist for these exact conversations and frameworks and it's all one google search away(edited) but instead the entire rpc would rather talk amongst themselves or ask their handful of black friends and create this echo chamber where the marginalized aren't represented and everyone else is blind it's exhausting to watch and i don't want parts of it(edited) i'm starting to see why ppl don't wanna join ooc discords when rpings. like genuinely i have no interest in knowing any of these ppl for real, i don't have the energy for self righteous ignorance  and another thing is the rpc has a fundamental error in ignoring intersectionality trans issues are antiblack issues, sexist issues are race issues, and vice versa and so on and so forth the rpc talks as though everything is separated and it's not and that's another source of so many issues of the terrible race politics of the rpc i saw [ REDACTED ] make a list of trans fc to use and not one of them was darker than a paper bag: that's an issue and the fact no one said anything is an issue ppl fail to see how all of these problems inform one another again bc no one's done the required reading. probably couldn't spell kimberle crenshaw's name if their life depended on it  and if u wanna share or spread anything i said, u can bc i think it's important that ppl hear these things and that they hear them clearly and bluntly. being nice has gotten very old for me cause if i try to spread this around imma cuss somebody out, period. and i'd be well within my rights to