#at least I’ll get a root canal tomorrow and not have to make the same joke about going to the dentist over and over

[anti-gravity-insanity]

My toooooooth hurts ( day 175 of infinite suffering) but little does he know he’s getting Rooted Canaling tomorrow so like...enjoy ur throbbing little monster nerve inside my mouth...you will be Scooped tomorrow and replaced with a superior, synthetic flesh.

[hotpinkrathian]

Lin Goes To The Dentist

(Kyalin)

"I'm sorry Miss Beifong, we can't go through with the procedure until you have confirmed with us you have a ride home." Lin sighed, tapping her foot in the floor.

"If I get one can I do it today?"

"We can have you in in five minutes." Lin snorted, making her way to the pay phone and waiting for the ring.

"Hello, Republic City Hospital what can I do for you?"

"Is Kya there?"

"I'm sorry who is-"

"Is Kya there?"

"Shes on break."

"Good, get her for me." There was some bustling and Lin smiled at the receptionist, holding up a finger to let her know it wouldn't be too much longer.

"Hello?"

"Kya?"

"Who is this?"

"Its Lin."

"Oh, Lin why didn't you say so. You know I would've answered much faster if I had known."

"Yeah well, short on time. I need your help."

"Anything."

"I need you to," she paused, "I need someone to pick me up from the Dentist, I'm having a root canal taken out and-"

"They have to put you under. I'll be there in 10."

"Thanks, Kya."

"See you soon." Lin hung up the phone and the receptionist tilted her glasses at her.

"Kya, water tribe woman, long white hair will be here."

"Works for me, you can go in now."

"Shes right in here, miss." The Dentist said, guiding Kya to a separate room.

"Shes good to go?"

"Give her a few minutes to wake up, she was under longer than usual."

"Yeah her tolerance isn't very high, thank you." The dentist smiled as Kya entered the room, cautiously making her way to the chair where Lin appeared to be asleep. She sat on the foot of the chair, pushing equipment out of the way.

"Lin." She said softly. "You can go home now." She prodded the younger woman, frowning.

"Lin." She said just a bit louder.

"Boo!"

"Ah!" Kya recoiled as Lin sat up, laughing.

"Got you!" Lin laughed. Her words were jumbled by the gauze and numbing in her mouth.

"Very funny. Let's get you home. " she stood up, offering the metalbender her hand. Lin took it, toppling them both onto the floor.

"Okay, Lin, you need to get off me." Lin mumbled something, rolling off Kya onto her back and staring at the ceiling.

"Its so sunny today."

"Thats a roof."

"A sunny roof." Kya pushed down a laugh, pushing herself back onto her feet.

"Come on," she grunted as she pulled Lin off her feet. They managed to make their way to the satomobile where Lin insisted on driving, to which Kya pushed her into the back seat, using two of the buckles to restrain her.

"You're pretty heavy," she panted once they were on the road, "did you have to wear armor to the dentist?"

"So many knives, they could stab me at any moment." Lin replied groggily.

"Right." Kya spent the rest of the ride trying get Lin to be quiet, she wasn't supposed to talk this much after a procedure like this.

"So anyway I told him that if he-" Lin stopped. "Is this my house?"

"Yup. Time to get you to bed."

"Whoa Kya, its only the first date." Kya looked at her, blushing. She knew Lin was out of it, but still, this had to mean that a part of Lin had contemplated flirting back. At least once.

"Haha. Come on let's get this off you." She guided her to the bedroom and manages to pry off the armor using the secret latch at the back.

"Comfy." Lin said as she relaxed into the pillows, Kya pulling the covers over her.

"You good?" Kya asked, smiling at her handiwork.

"Water."

"Sure." She bent some water into a glass and handed it to Lin.

"You're a waterbender?" Lin marveled and Kya chuckled.

"Yeah, have been my whole life."

"Wow. You know who else is a waterbender?"

"Who?"

"My friend Kya." Kya raised an eyebrow.

"Oh?"

"Yeah. She's great. I'm mean to her sometimes, I think. I don't know what to say."

"Why?"

"Shes so pretty." Kya's other eyebrow joined its twin, both raised as Lin spilled. She knew she wasn't supposed to hear this, but still, it felt like an odd twist of fate.

"Tell me more." She inquired.

"She has hair. Lots of it."

"Mhmmm."

"I want to touch it, but I don't "

"You could."

"Shes a waterbender."

"You told me that."

"Shes such a good friend. She was there for me after my heart broke."

"Thats kind of her."

"Dont tell her this," Lin said seriously, Kya almost thought she'd snapped out of it.

"Okay."

"Come closer." Kya leaned in, Lin pressed a hand to her ear, cupping it as she whispered.

"I want to kiss her." Her blush deepened even more, and a smile crept across her face.

"You do?"

"Shhhhhhh. Don't tell Kya."

"I won't." She said, her heart racing in her chest. Lin's head fell against the pillow as she fell asleep. Kya stood up, her hands on her head as she paced the room.

"Oh my Ravaa." She whispered to herself.

"Lin Beifong has a crush on me."

Lin stumbled into the bathroom, managing to push through the pain long enough to relieve herself. She held onto the door frame, pushing herself out of her bedroom, making a beeline for the couch to lay back down.

"Good morning." She froze, turning her head to the sound of the voice.

"Kya?" She asked, her head still groggy. Kya sat next to her, two cups of tea in her hand.

"Yours isn't hot, they said nothing hot for a couple days at least, so I did my best." Lin took the cup, drinking from it, suprised to find it wasn't bad.

"How are you feeling?" The waterbender asked.

"Terrible."

"Sounds like the numbing is out."

"Dont remind me." Kya chuckled, holding a palm up to Lin's sorr cheek. Lin just watched as the waterbender admired her face. She wiped water over it and Lin sighed.

"It kept bleeding throughout the night, so your pillow case might need a wash."

"Did you stay overnight?" Lin asked, taking another drink.

"Of course. I didn't plan too, but you were... needy."

"Sorry."

"No, don't be. "

"I feel terrible. My jaw hasn't hurt like this since..."

"Since your scars?" Lin looked at her, Kya's warm blue eyes, a corner of a smile. Nothing malicious or threatening about her, so why was she so scared?

"Yeah."

"I can help, if you want. Use some waterbending."

"Dont you have work?"

"They can function one day without me." Lin scoffed.

"Wish I could say the same."

"Dont tell me you're going back to work anytime soon."

"Day after tomorrow."

"Lin..."

"I know I know. I get bored, hanging around here myself. The pain is bearable if it means I don't have to sit here by myself for a week." Kya went to the kitchen, getting a bowl of water and bending enough to cover Lin's jaw, the bending sending a sensation of relief almost immediately.

"Any better?"

"Much, don't stop."

"Okay." They sat in silence for a moment, and when Kya was done she dropped the water back into the bowl.

"Lin," the waterbender started, "why did you.. why did you ask me? To help you, I mean?" Lin shuffled, leaning back slightly.

"I dunno, I guess you were the first person to come to mind." Kya whispered something to herself, but Lin didn't catch it.

"So it, uh... it turns out you're pretty chatty under drugs." Lin paused. This was going somewhere. She said something, didn't she? She couldn't think of reply on time, so Kya kept talking.

"You were telling me about your friend. How nice she was. Her hair." Lin blushed, biting her bottom lip with nervousness. "How you... you wanted to kiss her."

"And?" Lin replied, not daring to make eye contact.

"I think she'd appreciate the truth, coming from the real you." Kya leaned in closer, her hand touching Lin on the thigh. Lin had thought of nearly a thousand ways this scenario had gone down, she would have loved to pick one of the ones that had the least amount of conversation as possible. But seeing as her mouth wasn't good for much more than talking right now, she was trapped.

"You can.. tell my 'friend' that I meant it." Kya's breath seemed to hitch in throat and Lin held her own as well.

"Well, um, your friend would like to kiss you, too." Kya said with a smile.

"We are talking about you, right?" Lin teased. Kya laughed, placing a hand on Lin's shoulder.

"Yes!"

"Alright, just making sure, its been a long day, I thought maybe my head was messing with me or something." They laughed and Kya raised her hand to Lin's cheek again. Lin closed her eyes at the touch as Kya's thumb brushed against her scars. The next thing she knew, Lin was being pulled into a kiss. Her mouth was till hurt, but damn did Kya make it feel better. It was gentle, Kya always knew just what she needed. When the waterbender pulled away, a giddy grin on her face, Lin cleared her throat.

"Thanks," she said passively.

"For kissing you?"

"Hmm? No, I mean, for taking care of me."

"Oh, yeah, anytime."

"And also the kiss." Kya kissed her again on her good cheek before getting up.

"Get some rest," the waterbender said, "I'll be here when you wake up." Lin bit back a grin as she sunk into the sofa, closing her eyes, dreaming of those lips the entire time.

[sw124]

BonelyHearts Reader Insert7

{Gender Neutral!ReaderXSkeleton household}

Dental woes

Where were you again….right…on the couch contemplating on why the universe decided to torture you. For a week now you had a terrible toothaches; you were sure it was on the right side of your mouth, hell your cheeks was so swollen you looked like a chipmunk hiding acorns in your mouth. You got back from the dentist and….

“Abscess tooth? How on earth can something like that happen?” Nox sat by you, your head resting on a ice pack.

“…Abscess teeth….” You whimpered.

“Call me country bumpkin…-on second thought don’t- but what on earth is an abscess tooth-er teeth.”

You weren’t sure if you had the time to explain…no…you did you just didn’t have the energy. You pulled your phone out, tapped a few buttons and showed it to Nox; he proceeded with the video. You watched from the corner of your eye his expression going from ‘unimpressed’ to ‘oh dear lord what did I just witness?!’ among a few others. He trembled as he returned your phone.

“…I’m going back now that I finish my antibiotics…then they’re gonna drained the puss an…mmmph..” oh you couldn’t tell him the rest, these skeletons had a bit of an issue about teeth.

Cleaning them sure was one thing but you didn’t want to tell him that you were also having your wisdom teeth removed, they were the main cause of your abscesses. Instead you decided to change the subject just slightly..

“Do…you think one of you guys could drive me to my appointment and back?”

Nox gave you a sideways glance. “You do know you have your own car right?”

Well he was gonna be no help, maybe Sans or Papyrus would be more willing. You got up and shuffled towards the stairs. Slowly you shuffled up and towards Pap’s room, you gave a few half-hearted knocks before the door flew open.

“Sans I said- Oh human its you!” Papyrus stood there, dressed in his ‘cleaning the greatest room in the house’ clothes…you weren’t even phased by his loud entry to be honest.

“Hey Pap…can I ask you a huge favor?” You swayed on your feet.

“Of course human, what favor do you need from the great Papyrus?” He puffed out his chest looking like a gallant superhero…why was he so cute?

“Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment, could drive me to it and back home please?”

“You can count on me human! Though I’ll need to bring someone with me will that be alright.”

“Someone trustworthy….” You whimper, ohh you regretted not bringing the ice pack with you…

“I’m bringing Blue, he’s very trustworthy. Don’t worry human we’ll take care of you!”

You gave a very weak smile before going over the time to bring you to the dentist, he was surprised to hear it would take a few hours but he still agreed to sit and wait for you.

[The next morning….]

Why did you agree to do this…why did your teeth have to hurt…why oh why…

You sat between Papyrus and Blue in the waiting room, you were on time and just waiting to be called back for your appointment. You didn’t get a wink of sleep last night due to both the pain and the anxiety of having two of your teeth pulled out of your head. Worst yet you weren’t gonna be sedated and unconscious for this, you were gonna be wide awake and numbed up.

Your heart leapt into your throat when the assistant called your name…

“Don’t worry human, we’ll be here when your done!” Blue patted your hand.

“Yes! When your done we’ll take you home and treat you to a whole day of recovery! After-all; I ‘the great Papyrus’ and ‘the magnificent Blue’ will be here when your done!”

The two skeletons striking a pose in the lobby, honestly these two were gods gift to all with hearts made of stone…well no sense in delaying the inevitable, you walked down the corridors to the room in question. It didn’t look any different then any other dental room. Your dentist was a kind, older gentlemen of about 60 with years of experience, he was your dentist since you were old enough to see a dentist. He was practically your grandpa by this point, he reassured you that it would all be over in no time. He began setting things up while his assistant prepped you, putting sunglasses on you to shield your eyes, a mouth spreader to keep your mouth open and that greenish bib they put on you.

Then….came the needle…..

[Two hours later]

Your dentist sat by you, waiting to be sure you were alright before sending you back to the waiting room. Your mouth was still numb but you were now dealing with the swelling, you were also dizzy from laying there so long. He handed you a little white plastic bag with a toothbrush, floss, toothpaste…and both of your wisdom teeth. They were intact, boy this was gonna be fun showing the skeletons later.

Slowly you got up, your dentist offering you his shoulder for support as he helps you to the waiting room. Just like they said Papyrus an Blue were waiting for you, swiftly they got you into the car after getting a full rundown from the dentist on what you could and could not eat for a while.

Solid foods were off the menu at least for the next month, you didn’t mind really on that part. It just meant you could have smoothies all you wanted, that and pasta; pasta was ok. With that said you were put in the car and driven back to the skeleton household….

Apparently everyone was told about your surgery and was waiting outside to greet you.

“Welcome back human, good to see your doing alright.” Said Boss with a smile.

“Yes, you seem to have survived your little surgery. Though I doubt anything went awry, after all what could a little root canal do to you?” Said Nox with a wave of his hand.

“It wasn’t a root canal.” You smiled, you reached into the bag an pulled out a smaller one with your two intact wisdom teeth. “I got my wisdom teeth removed, wanna see? It still got blood on them…”

You were still a bit loopy but the expression on everyone’s face was priceless, Nox and Boss almost gagged, Red and Russ were like little kids as they poked at the bag, Poplar and Ash….hiding behind the front door, Sans, Papyrus, Stretch and Blue were all sharing the same look…the ‘what the heck is wrong with you’ look.

After walk/chasing some of the skeletons with your extracted teeth they finally got you to lay down on the couch. You had blood dripping out of your mouth, thankfully no stitches popped; it was just the excitement an all.

You had a nice bottle of Mango Orange smoothie right by you, you were resting your head on Sans lap while watching Red and Blue go at each other in a racing game. Poplar and Ash were in the kitchen making dinner, Boss, Nox and Stretch were in their rooms while Papyrus was tending to Doomfanger and Chicken’s cat tree’s.

If anything you still didn’t like dentists offices or procedures but….when you could come home and recover like this with ten skeletons ready to help you…maybe you could tolerate another one.

End

[Another fanfic for the @bonelyheartsclub I’ve got more stories planned so please hold on]

[prettyguardiankore-blog]

Love in Literacy, chapter 6 (Levi x fem!reader)

Don't drink, kids.

Hazy morning light poured in through your window. You blinked, and slowly began to open your eyes, but immediately snapped them back shut. A sharp pain ran through your head. Fuck. Your head was throbbing, and there was an empty nausea in your stomach. You could hurl. You groaned, and pulled your blanket back up over your head, enveloping yourself in the warm darkness, and curling into a fetal position. You’d gotten wasted again. Unbeknownst to anyone else, this was something that happened about once a month. You’d never cared for alcohol as a Scout, but after your accident, it was just something that had happened. And you’d let it. You weren’t proud of it, but it felt like the only way you could simply sit in your emotions, the self-restraint you had when sober was difficult to overcome. Hange had caught you once, drunkenly stumbling back into the castle, bruised up from some bar fight you’d gotten yourself into...they’d been pretty pissed, understandably so. It was one of the few times you’d seen them truly angry with you. If they found out that this was something of a routine for you, they'd have your head on a stake.

You rubbed your eyes and furrowed yourself deeper into your cozy sheets. What happened yesterday? You knit your brow, desperately trying to call upon the events of the previous night.

Okay first, I snuck out to the bar, some old pub near the canal, got that...next, I had a couple of drinks... It wasn’t enough to get me very drunk though...sat around...then someone started talking to me, that new barmaid they’d hired. She was pretty... blonde hair, pale green eyes. She was being really flirty too. I kept talking with her as I drank, and that's when I started feeling tipsy. Then she went on break… and then...

Your eyes flicked open. You’d definitely gotten intimate with her after that. Had you slept with her? You smacked your head in disbelief. No, no, you would’ve remembered, no matter how drunk you were. You’d come pretty close though. You rubbed your temples worriedly. You remembered how she'd softly sucked on the skin of your neck, as you fiddled with the laces of her corset, your free hand trailing up her leg, her soft breath in your ear… What’s wrong with me? You felt heat pouring into your face as the memories returned to you. But something had stopped you from going any further with her.

She wasn’t Marla.

You rolled onto your back, and stared up at the ceiling. You let out a dark chuckle, as you brought your hands up to cover your eyes. You really were a scumbag. Was that your feeble attempt at some sort of replacement for what you could’ve had with her? You didn’t want to think so, but plenty of other people had flirted with you while you were out, why did you never pursue any of them? Why is it the one time you gave into desire, it happened to be someone who resembled your dead best friend? You’d been able to stop yourself, but that was the bare minimum. At the very most, you weren’t a total piece of shit. You squeezed your eyes shut. You didn’t want to delve into the topic too deeply at that moment, so you continued with your recollection of the night. What happened after that?

Well. that was about as far as I got with her. After I had my moment of self realization, I started coming up with excuses to leave. She was pretty mad... I can't blame her. After that I went back into the tavern and had a few more shots… that's when I got really wasted. I decided it was time to get back to the castle. I walked back, it started to rain a bit...then I’d made it back...then I saw Levi.

…

Levi?

Your eyes snapped open and you shot up from your position on the bed, You were now sitting upright, eyes wild. You quietly swallowed. Instantaneously, the rest of the night came flooding back to you. Everything, from the way you’d spoken to him, to the way he’d practically had to drag you back to your room… you froze. And your eyes darted to the filthy chaos that you called your room. He'd seen your room.

“You smell really good. ”

Your heart dropped to your stomach. You said that to him. That was something you said. To him. With your mouth. To his face. You plopped back onto your bed. Slowly, you reached a trembling hand over to your pillow, and shoved your face deeply into it, letting out a shriek of embarrassment and frustration. Your face felt like it was going to melt off. How could you have said that? He probably thought you were a total creep now, and could you blame him? If someone you hardly knew said that to you, you’d submit for a restraining order. After you were done screaming, you gingerly placed your pillow back on the bed, and stood up.

You were supposed to see him later today for lessons, but you absolutely couldn’t. You began pacing back and forth at the foot of your bed. You would apologize to him profusely tomorrow, but you needed at least a day of mental recuperation before you could even consider facing him. Immediately, your mind began racing through the varying excuses you could use to weasel your way out of it. Pretend to be sick? Say you had a meeting with Erwin? Say you were just too tired? Alternatively, you could just not show up at all, did you really owe him an explanation? Yes. You gnawed at your bottom lip pensively. Well, you would need to think about that later. Right now, you really needed to puke.

👁Frantically, you hopped around your obstacle course of a floor and to the bathroom. You slammed the door open, dropped to your knees, hunched over the toilet bowl, and retched. After you were done, you took a deep breath. Another decision you immediately regretted, you gagged at the rancid scent of your own vomit. It was enough to make you puke again, which you easily did. Once it was really all out, you collapsed back down onto the cool tile floor. You closed your eyes, leaning your head back. Your head was still pulsing. Why do I do this to myself...? You thought, dejectedly. When you couldn’t come up with a real answer, you decided you might as well take some time to get ready. You needed to do something to distract yourself. You pulled yourself up from the floor, and leaned down to flush the toilet. You mindlessly watched as what you had spewed spiraled down into the pipes. 👁 You sighed, relieved to be rid of the mess, and turned back to the mirror to get a good look at yourself. It was certainly a sight to behold. Sullen eyes, with harrowing eye bags underneath to compliment them. Your cheeks were puffy, it was something that happened when you drank. You reached up to gently massage the centers of your cheeks, a feeble attempt to relieve the inflammation. Your hair stuck up in every other direction, and you still had some drool dripping down your chin. How lovely, you thought, wiping it away with the back of your hand.

You decided a shower would serve you well. You began stripping away your clothes, the same black corset and cream white dress you’d been wearing at the bar the night before. Once you were undressed, you turned the shower faucet on. You crossed your arms over your chest, lightly hopping back and forth from your two feet as you waited for the water to heat up. You cautiously poked a finger in, for a feel of the temperature. Satisfied, you stepped in, letting out a blissful sigh as the warm water trickled down your body. So what’s my day plan? You mused, grabbing the soap bar, and beginning to hastily scrub at every inch of your body. You wanted to avoid Levi at all costs, so what did that mean for you? You could probably stay holed up in the library. Unless he actively sought you out, which you highly doubted he would, you wouldn’t face any issue. You began rinsing off your body, and moved on to your hair. You poured hair wash into your palm, and began massaging it into your scalp and roots. That sounds good, and even if I see him there, I'll just pretend I didn’t notice him walking in and sneak out through the back room. You began rinsing yourself off, and gave yourself a hard nod, a weak attempt to give yourself some self assurance in your shotty plan. After you finished rinsing yourself off, you shut the water off, and reached a hand out of the shower, groping around for the towel you'd placed on the toilet. You wrung out your hair, wrapped yourself in your towel, and stepped out.

You pushed open the door, releasing the built up steam that had collected in the small room, and headed to your drawer for your underwear. After you got them on, you headed over to your closet, and picked a nicer outfit than you normally might. When you felt shitty mentally, you tried to present yourself in the best way possible physically. You picked out a frilly, intricately stitched, cream colored top. It was a bit itchy, but you could bear with it for the day. Your eyes glazed over the various skirts you had hung up, and you settled on a ruffled red skirt with gold accents. After you were dressed, you moved back to the bathroom. You brushed your teeth, hair, and put on some makeup. Just a bit of lip tint, mascara, and blush. You observed yourself in your mirror. You actually looked good. You revelled in your beauty for longer than you usually might, doing a couple spins for the mirror. You gave your reflection an awkward smile. You were starting to feel a little better, the feeling of hopelessness was beginning to dwindle. I can do this. You took a deep breath, snatched your glasses from your desk, and left the room.

📷 📷

Sometimes, you liked to go to the kitchen and sneak some tea out, just as a small way to treat yourself. So that was exactly what you were gonna do. Did you deserve tea? Debatable, but maybe it would help your head. You walked through the halls of the castle, until you eventually found yourself at the kitchen door. You slowly opened it, and cautiously poked your head in, looking around the small room. It was empty, which was to be expected, meal preparation for the Scouts happened the night before, and the chefs usually didn’t return until later in the afternoon.

You stepped in, and began preparing your tea. You opened the cupboard, faced with the same question that plagued you every time you did. Green or Black....today is a Green day. You hummed in agreement with yourself and pulled out the can, and placed the bag in your cup. You took a few laps around the room as you waited for the water in the kettle to come to a boil, then carefully poured it into the mug. Hot steam bellowed from it, fogging your glasses. You wiped your glasses off and left it to steep, You leaned against the counter while you waited, thinking about your next move. You’d realized that there was a minor risk of going to the library, although it was unlikely, if Furlan and Isabel visited you in there, there was a small chance Levi would accompany them. A small, but very real chance that you didn’t want to take. So you decided you'd go to the castle garden and enjoy your tea there. You glanced over to your cup. It'd been less than a minute since it had begun to steep. Green tea should sit for three minutes...if you sprinted to the library to grab a book, and sprinted back, you should make it back just in time to pull the bag from the cup before it became bitter. With that, you bolted out of the room and began your mad dash to the library.

Thankfully, the halls were empty, so you didn’t have to deal with the embarrassment of someone seeing you huffing and puffing as you made your way through the castle. When you arrived at the library's large wooden doors, you pushed them open, with a small grunt, and ran over to your desk. Your eyes frantically flicked back and forth over its messy contents, until they landed on what you were looking for. Ah, here it is. 'The Gentleman's Nursery'. You'd been wanting to reread the story for a while. The last time you'd tried, you'd quickly gotten interrupted. You snatched it off the desk and began heading back to leave. You opened the doors and did a check of both ends of the hall. When you turned your head to the left, you saw something that opened a pit in your stomach. Seriously? It was Levi. He stood at the entrance to the hall, hand still on the door, with that same indifferent look he usually wore. You stared at him with a dumb expression on your face, chest heaving up and down. Your mind was racing. What were the chances of this happening? Unless the Scout's schedule had drastically changed since you were discharged, he should’ve still been doing his morning warm-ups. You'd thought this through over and over again, the last thing you’d expected of him was to show up by himself. He took one step towards you. Without thinking, you immediately dashed over to the opposite door, leaving him behind you. I'm not running from him, I just need to get back to my tea before it gets bitter, you assured yourself, which wasn’t entirely untrue. You shot him a quick look over your shoulder as you arrived at the door. Fuck. He hadn't moved, but now he looked annoyed. Actually, that was cutting him short, he looked pissed. Straight up pissed. You swallowed, still panting. Maybe a small explanation would alleviate the situation. Unfortunately, with how tired you were, and the fact that your brain was working at a mile a minute, the explanation you got out was less than ideal.

"Green tea gets bitter fast!" You blurted back, as you began shutting the doors behind you. As you did, you snuck one last look at his face. Still angry, but now with a hint of confusion in his expression.

You grimaced, but continued your sprint through the long hall, mentally kicking yourself for the shotty ‘explanation’ you’d provided. Soon enough, you‘d made it back to the kitchen. You entered, and slumped back against the door, finally catching your breath. After you were done, you hurried over to the table, and carefully pulled the dripping tea bag from your cup, and tossed it in the trash, and took a sip. Still good. But the relief you got from that fact was short lived. You sighed. You set the tea down and held your head in your hands dropping yourself onto the stone floor. The consequences of your actions were beginning to take form in your mind. If you were speaking in terms of a scale from one to ten, the situation before was a seven. It was absolutely humiliating what happened the night before… but it happened. At the most, he thought less of you. You didn’t like the idea of it, but it’s not like you two were amazingly close to begin with, so you could handle it in the long run, and you still had your pride. But now, it was a ten. Not only he had to drag you home, drunk, in the dead of the night, and power through your drunken rambling, but now, the following morning, instead of thanking him, you’d run away from him, like a child. You groaned. My tea could’ve waited, you thought glumly, as you furrowed your head into your arms. How was it that every time, without fail, you managed to dig yourself into an even deeper hole than before? You had to fix this somehow, the original plan of just avoiding him all day wouldn’t do anymore. You had to reach out and properly apologize, and preferably soon, before it became an irreparable mistake. You reached into your pocket, and pulled out your stopwatch. It read nine nineteen.

The Scouts training would end around six, then they’d head back to their barracks for the night. You’d go out and find him then. You reached up to massage your temples. I can fix this. You found reassurance in the fact that you’d formulated a plan again. And even if he was still upset with you after, it would be out of your hands, and that would be okay. Although, the nagging feeling in your chest when you thought of it as an outcome made you queasy. Perhaps you were fonder of him than you’d thought. You took a deep breath, and hoisted yourself up from the floor. You had nine hours until you were to apologize to Levi, so you might as well continue with your initial plan. You picked up your tea from the table, and began the walk to the garden.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

After the hectic morning, this was exactly what you needed. It had warmed up substantially from the morning, and the once dreary sky was replaced by a piercing blue one. Your eyes lazily followed the slow movement of the clouds. They looked like the innards of a freshly baked loaf of bread, spilling out of it’s cracking crust. Fluffy...Those are...Cumulus clouds, you concluded. There was a light breeze, carrying the scent of moist dirt from the downpour the night previous. You pulled out your blue ribbon bookmark, placed it on your page, and closed the book gently.

📷

You’d been here for several hours now. You pulled out your stopwatch again, it read twelve o three. You plopped into the soft grass, closing your eyes, to bask in the warm afternoon sun. You began to lift your knee up, but as you began to move it, a sharp pain ran up your inner thigh, and you let out a small yelp of pain. You grimaced. Had you pulled a muscle? All the running from earlier had made you more sore than you’d expected. It was time to face a fact that you’d been ignoring, you were getting weak. It made sense, the shift from vigorous training everyday, to the stagnant life of a librarian, it would have been outrageous to expect otherwise, but you hadn’t wanted to admit it. You chewed your lip. Should I start training again? You pondered, as you adjusted your dress underneath you. It couldn’t hurt to start running in the mornings, and you could pick up weight training again. You frowned. You’d probably have to fix your appalling sleep schedule as well… actually, that would probably have to be the first step if you wanted to achieve anything. It would be a lot of work, but yesterday was a wake-up call for you. You’d nearly done something that you would’ve regretted for a long time. Guilt, loneliness, uselessness... whenever you fell into any of those slumps, you turned to the bottle for the night. The instances where this was happening were only becoming more and more common in these past months. You were destroying yourself, and eventually you’d make a mistake you couldn’t take back. It was the fate of a drunkard.

You pushed your hands against the grass and sat yourself upright, taking a deep breath. Well, now what? You’d now established that you wanted a change, but how were you supposed to initiate the change? It was more than just a drinking problem, it was a coping mechanism that you’d slowly ingrained into yourself for the past year. You sighed. You needed to talk to someone, someone that could hold you accountable, someone who you could reach out to before you fell into the cycle again. Seeing as you only had a total of two close friends, one of which had a bit of a drinking problem himself, that left you with one option, Hange. You groaned. This was a conclusion you’d reached a long time ago, but you'd really wanted to avoid it. They’re going to give me hell. You slumped back down into the grass, shutting your eyes. You could talk to them later tonight, they had been planning on visiting you in the library anyway. You frowned. Apologize to Levi, confide in Hange… what a loaded day you had ahead of you. As someone who was more introverted, it sounded like your own personal hell. Just thinking about it made you tired. Maybe I should take a small nap, you thought, letting out an obnoxiously loud yawn, as you brought your hands up to your eyes to block the sun’s light. Your eyelids started to feel heavy, so you began to indulge yourself in some rest. Of course, as soon as you did, you felt someone nudge on your shoulder. God damn it. You groaned and pulled yourself back up, with an irked expression on your face. You snapped your head back to face who had interrupted you.

“What.” You asked, with more bite than intended.

There stood Furlan, towering awkwardly over you. He looked a little taken aback by your sharp tone. A twinge of guilt popped in your chest.

“Sorry, If this is a bad time-” He began.

“No, no! Please, it’s fine, I was just tired...didn’t sleep much last night.” You explained, “Please, you don’t have to leave.” You insisted. He gave you a grateful smile.

“Don’t mind if I do then!” he said cheekily, plopping himself next to you on the ground, still keeping a respectful distance.

"So what are you doing out here, shouldn't you be in the dining hall now?"

"Ah, yeah I should be..." he chuckled, rubbing his neck, "But my stomach wasn't feeling the best, so I just grabbed a loaf of bread and decided to take a walk."

"Maybe you should go back and eat. You say that now but you might need the energy later, you have a long day ahead of you." You warned, but he just shook his head.

"Naw, besides Levi's in a touchy mood right now, don't really want to be near him." He said with a small laugh. You froze. Furlan noticed the disgruntled look on your face.

"Is something wrong?" He asked, cocking his head.

"Ah, it's nothing," You said, pursing your lips, "But what were you saying about Levi? Do you know why he seems upset?" You asked, as nonchalantly as possible.

"I dunno, Commander Shadis sent him to Erwin's office for some formation practice papers, and when he came back he was in a sour mood, wouldn't tell me or Isabel why."

"I see." You said, quietly. I really need to talk to him. An uncomfortable silence fell between the two of you, neither of you knew what to say to the other, so the two of you just sat there, looking up to the clouds. Eventually, he tapped your shoulder again, and you turned your focus back to his lips.

"What are you reading?" He asked, pointing a finger to the book next to you. You perked back up.

"Ah, this is called the 'Gentleman's Nursery'" You replied, picking it up and placing it on your lap, "It's a romance novel I read as a teenager...I really love it, it's one of my favorites, so I decided to read it again."

Furlan observed you intently as you spoke. A small heat trickled onto your face as your eyes met back up to meet his gaze. He has nice eyes. For the first time since meeting him, you actually observed them closely. They were very defined, slightly downturned at the ends. It gave them a tired look. The color was a popping hazel, with dark brown specks here and there. Your eyes quickly returned down to his lips as you realized he was preparing to speak.

"Do you like romance?"

You blinked, unsure of what he meant with his question.

"...Huh?"

"A-ah, I meant the romance genre." He explained quietly, averting his gaze. He looked a little red. Of course he did. You scolded yourself mentally for interpreting it any other way

"Oh, well it's not my favorite genre, but this one's just so well written, I can't help but reread it over and over again..." You said, as you fiddled with the blades of grass under your hand, "What about you?"

"Hm?"

"Have you ever enjoyed a romance novel?"

"Oh, not really, I've always liked mystery, horror, that type of thing."

You hummed in response. Another silence fell between the two of you.

"Can I borrow that book?" He blurted out, pointing at the book on your lap. You looked at him questioningly.

"Really? Do you think you'd be interested in this sort of thing?"

"Well, if you say it's good, that's gotta mean something, right? I admit it's not my style but..." He turned his head the opposite way as he got out the rest of his sentence. You couldn't see what he said.

"...But? I couldn't see what you said." You told him, arching a brow.

"Ah, sorry." He murmured, quickly turning back to face you, "... Well, it'll give us something to talk about, so I'll read it." he responded, bluntly. His face was now a stunning vermilion, and you couldn't help but reciprocate a flushed feeling in your cheeks as he looked at you. Such earnest eyes. You turned your gaze down to your feet, which had suddenly become the most interesting thing in the world to you in that moment. You didn't say anything for a bit, but you were brimming with excitement at the idea of having a reading buddy.

"O-oh, well of course you can borrow it, if you want...It'll be nice to finally have someone to talk to about it." You said with a small chuckle, as you handed the book to him, which he accepted with a small bow. You pulled out your watch, and you blinked in surprise. Twelve thirty-three.

"Furlan you need to get going! Lunch ended three minutes ago!" you exclaimed, voice jumping up an octave. His eyes widened, and he instantly shot up from the grass and began a dash back to the training fields. He didn't get very far before he turned back to face you. He shouted something, but the distance between the two of you was too wide. You motioned towards your ears in oblivion and gave him an exaggerated shrug. You snickered as you saw him smack himself in the forehead at his mistake, before jogging back up to you.

"We'll talk more after the expedition tomorrow!" He beamed, before turning back and continuing his sprint to the field.

You stared at him with a blank look as he ran off into the distance. That dreaded sense of familiarity overcame you. The similarity between what he just said and Marla's last promise was too glaring to ignore, no matter how hard you tried. A part of you wanted to chase after him, and pull him back to sit next to you again, so the two of you could keep talking about books. But you didn't. You decided to put your faith in him, despite every bone in your body screaming at you to do otherwise. You remembered the day you'd told them about your last expedition.

We won't die out there.

He'd stated this as a fact, and you found yourself replaying his words in your head over and over again for comfort until eventually, you found yourself genuinely believing in it. Levi, Isabel, and Furlan were all very skilled soldiers, that's what Hange always told you, and they had no reason to lie to you. That, in combination with the new Scouting formation, made the likelihood of something happening pretty low. You sighed, releasing the tension that had unwittingly built up in your chest. Look at you, thinking about him as if he were already dead, you thought, rubbing your eyes. You smiled to yourself, gazing up at the fluffy clouds. You looked forward to finally having someone to talk to about books.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

[queenieroselove]

sprace story

Anthony felt like an idiot… this was going to be a difficult semester… and it was only his second semester. Last semester was difficult too. Would every semester be like this? Was  he really actually going to be able to handle college? Or should he drop out now? For now, he would drown his sorrows in his coffee… or not. He had an assignment to turn in in twenty minutes, even if he failed his first friday quiz of the semester.

He dutifully completed the assignment, with a few minutes to spare. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to an hour of algebra. What to do with his down time…. Rest.

Anthony laid his head down on the table, absentmindedly scribbling on a napkin. He had a habit of just scribbling and jotting thoughts down without thinking about it. Absentmindedly he left the written on napkin on the table before getting up and heading to class.

Sean was tired. That would be the least of it. Why in the hell had he taken a fucking english class at eight A.M.? He couldn’t have chosen something more boring, but it was on the list of gen ed courses required to graduate and he just wanted to get it over with. Coffee. That would help. He had two hours before his next class. And he enjoyed his routine of just spending those two hours in the campus coffee shop, working. He could start the outline of the paper Dr. Brenton spent an hour talking  about. He also needed to review his notes for the biology lecture and do his daily spanish. Sean wasn’t exactly the most book smark, but he needed to keep this scholarship, that meant work.

His usual table was open, and coffee in hand (black, medium roast) he got to work. He couldn’t help but sneer in disgust when he saw the last person left a napkin. Rude. The barista wasn’t paid enough to clean up after the rich snobs who came to school here. Then he noticed the writing. “Here lies my GPA - Official COD: College Algebra.” He scoffed, but it secretly made him laugh in his head. College Algebra was pretty easy for him, but he’d heard a lot of the people in his class were worried.

He couldn’t help himself as he left a note on a sticky note and taped it down. Maybe the person would be back later. Why  the hell not? “That class isn’t too bad if you study instead of leaving notes everywhere.” Alright, now it was time for him to work.

The next day Anthony returned to his table. This time with a friend, who promptly noticed the post it note taped to the table. “Hey, what’s this?” Albert wondered allowed, pulling the note up. “Someone leave you a note? Secret admirer.” He teased, raising his eyebrows when Anthony took the post it from his hand.

“None of your business, Al.” Anthony defensively said, even though it really seemed like nothing at this point, just some better than you remark from one of the stuck up upperclassman most likely. Just in case though, He crossed off the remark, and wrote a quick reply before taping it down again.

“So you think your smart? - A”

The next day there was a reply: “I know I’m smart - S”

The notes continued like that, back and forth every weekday for the next few weeks. Slowly they began getting more personal. Nothing to identify either boy, but smaller details, such as:

“Froo Froo drinks are for fools. Try coffee. - S”

“Bold of you to assume I am not a fool. Root beer runs through my veins and Caramel Frappes are my soul. I’ll sooner have a root canal then give up good drinks.- A”

“With all that sugar the root canal may be coming soon. - S”

Despite the generally serious nature of the notes, Anthony couldn’t help but imagine S as a secretly playful person. Someone to joke with back and forth on the matter but would still  sneak a frappe when no one’s looking. Anothony also began to wonder, who S actually was.

Sean wouldn’t admit it, but he was curious too. He wanted to know who A was, despite his friends snickers and jokes. The problem was… this was Sean’s final semester. His time was running short. He did have an idea that it was someone who left the coffee shop just before he got there. How else would the note be so reliable. Surely someone else would have thrown the paper away.  

He couldn’t ask his friends to watch for him though, that would lead to never-ending jokes. Sean would just have to skip class this week. He hadn’t missed this class yet this semester. He could reasonably miss one day.

That is why Sean found himself at a different table than usual, skipping his first class of the day. He had to admit it did feel good to not listen to a dull speech from an overpaid, overpraised professor. Sean tried to be discreet as he watched from across the room. Today, no one came to the table. Disappointment filled him as he left the shop. No more notes came after that. Sean couldn’t figure out what he had done to upset A, and his friends no longer found it a topic to joke about.

Anthony felt guilty. He truly did. He saw Sean sitting there, watching the table, he suspected, and everything fell into place. It wasn’t that he didn’t like Sean. Actually it was the opposite. Sean caught Anthony’s eye ages ago, but, he wasn’t the type of person Sean would like. He knew that, why bother going in to have his heart broken?

So he stopped. From then on he made do with the shitty coffee in the cafeteria. He studied in the library. “That is what it’s for, right?,” Anthony explained when Albert questioned him. “Besides, I’m running short on cash.” The coffee shop was generally the first luxury students were forced to give up when the cash ran low. No one would question it.

But then he felt regret on top of the guilt because what if he made a mistake and Sean was actual his fairy tale prince? So what if he wasn’t the type of guy Sean probably wanted, someone smart, handsome, stylish. They had been trading notes for weeks, and Sean had to tell he wasn’t that bright from the very start. So, Anthony decided to do something. He would be brave, he promised himself.

He was still telling himself that when he got dressed for coffee the next morning. Not just for coffee though. He decided to skip his usual sweat pants. Jeans would look better. And maybe not a ratty tshirt from some athletic event he attended over the years. He had collected some nicer clothes for job interviews, scholarship interviews, and things like that. He chose a plain blue sweater. Albert said it looked good on him in the store.

Anthony reminded himself to brave again as he walked across campus to the coffee house. He would stay late today, he promised himself, and if things went badly he could hurry off to class. Sean wouldn’t be there yet, but he was sure that Sean wouldn’t have stopped coming to the shop. Then he remembered he stopped going to the shop.

So that’s where Anthony stayed, looking up and around the shop every five minutes or so. He ordered a caramel frappe, his favorite, but he couldn’t seem to drink it. Or focus on the work infront of him.

After what felt like five nervous hours Sean finally came into the shop. He ordered his plain black coffee, and without even looking at the table Sean sat down across from Anthony tiredly. It only took him a second to realize he wasn’t alone, and when Sean did he quickly and politely apologized and got up.

“Wait!”Anthony quickly spoke up. “Don’t leave” Sean eyed him suspiciously and Anthony remembered Sean had no clue that he left the notes. “Those notes, they were from me.” Anthony admitted quieter.

Sean looked over him again, this time closer, as he sat down. This was him? He was an underclassman Sean had seen around before. Tall, lanky, hung out with some of the jocks and always seemed to have a joke to make instead of actually work. But… he had to admit when he was around Sean usually laughed at the jokes. Actually looking him over Sean decided the boy wasn’t bad looking.

“So,” Anthony started. “Sorry I quit leaving them. I saw you here one day when I was on my way in and figured you wouldn’t want anything to do with me. It wasn’t anything personal or nothing, just… sorta what was going through my head. You seemed smart in the notes. And, I’m not. Oh, sorry, my name is Anthony. Guess we never did get to that.”

“So you made the choice for me,” Sean probed further, seeing the nervous energy run through Anthony. Anthony shook his head, but Sean realized he can be intimidating, and probably was then. He reached out his hand to shake Anthony’s, which Anthony took. “I’m Sean…. If I said let’s get dinner tomorrow would you ghost me?” It wasn’t the best, but it was his attempt at a joke. He had been hit by another fleeting moment of why the hell not mentality.

Anthony actually laughed, although Sean wasn’t sure if it was out of politeness or because the joke was actually funny.

Sean did however, notice a note taped to the table then. With a quiet smirk he picked up the note and read the words “Dinner instead of coffee this time? - A” Sean laughed this time, holding up the note, “Guess we’re on the same thought process.”

Anthony, gaining courage back, promised himself to be brave one more time as he calmly took the letter from Sean’s hand and wrote on it once more: “Kiss me” . He passed it back to Sean, who raised an eyebrow and laughed as he got up and put on his coat. “Maybe if you show up tonight, lover boy. Six. Right here.”

Anthony, beet red merely shook his head in agreement. He had been brave. Perhaps it didn’t end with the kiss, but at least he got the boy.

i hope enjoyed this story. thank you to @ askmidtownnewsies  for helping me write it  i really appreciate it  thank you so much 

my giftee is for @ k-woodsies

[dysthymiadysfunction]

Okay, so I posted once and dropped off the face of the earth. Whoops.

I’d love to say “I’ve been super busy with work” or “I’ve been on holiday!” but honestly I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water. It’s been a mess of appointments with various mental health teams, work, pet care, house work and attempting to force myself to do things to will supposedly help with how terrible I feel.

And I’m not going to lie; it’s mostly been out of spite that I’ve been doing these things. It’s so when I go to the doctors/see a therapist/ family member or co-worker asks how I’m doing and if I’ve tried X, Y or Z I can say “Yes, I’m doing yoga, I’m going swimming, I’m taking my meds, I’m doing the CBT workbooks I got from the library and I’m meditating”. Heck I even have a Headspace subscription and an extensive collection of colouring books and sharpie pens.

Pro-Tip; felt tip pens make colouring a lot easier if you have wrist/finger pain.

But hey, if my determination to tell people that I’m doing all that crap to shut them up is stronger than the depression and anxiety I’m not going to complain. At least it’s getting done.

Anyway, I promise this is all linked to what I wanted to talk about today. Which is; Depression and motivation.

It’s a struggle that really eats away at me. And I see it affecting other people around me as well.

Sometimes it’s just shrugging off something until tomorrow that I really should, but don’t really want to do e.g. cleaning out the guinea pigs litter trays. And sometimes it’s not washing my hair for two weeks. Or leaving the laundry to accumulate for weeks on end. Or, in one really bad case, letting paperwork I couldn’t be bothered to put away to clutter my desk at work for weeks.

Sometimes it’s a bit more serious. E.g. I just can’t cook dinner, leaving wet laundry in the machine for days on end, or putting off the less enjoyable parts of my job. All of which impact not only me, but the people around me. But it’s usually a minor inconvenience for others at least. Although in the case of the first one, it can be an excuse to eat Burger King on a Tuesday night. Which is at least tasty?

But there’s a few things I do (or don’t do) that are really not good, and honestly I’m ashamed of. At my worst I didn’t bathe for a month. A whole freaking month. No wet wipes, no showers, not even a damp flannel. Just me stewing in my own filth, and trying to hold myself together with dry shampoo, deodorant and strong perfume. I honestly can’t excuse it. I just felt so terrible the idea of even a quick shower was exhausting. I had to cut chunks out of my hair where it was so matted from not being washed. And I developed a skin infection. It was bad.

Honestly I’m a little apprehensive about including that admission. But I think it’s important to talk about those bits of depression. Depression is so often depicted by well-manicured young women with a single tear and artfully smudged mascara. When, it’s really not that at all. It’s wearing the same leggings for a week straight because you can’t muster the motivation to change more than just your shirt. And even that’s only because you’ve sat and done some mental calculations and decided it’s less effort to change your t-shirt than it is to explain why you’ve been wearing the same thing for multiple days to people.

According to Smith (2013) a common characteristic of depression is “a diminishment in or lack of action and motivation”. And oh heck do I feel that.

It’s something that CBT focuses on greatly as well. But the best advice you really get from your therapist is to “make yourself do it, even if you don’t want to”. At least in my experience anyway. Personally I find that only works for so long.

But by the time I’ve forced myself to get out of bed, get dressed, make myself look like I didn’t just roll out of bed, walk to work, eat breakfast, do my job (to varying degrees of quality I’ll admit), get lunch and walk home I don’t have a lot of “force myself” left. And I work part time, so for people in my situation who do work full time, I can only imagine how tired you must feel.

I don’t really have anywhere I’m going with this, no profound statements or anything. Just that if you’re also going through this; you’re not alone. And it’s okay to take a break from “forcing yourself” to do things sometimes. Obviously not all the time, but sometimes you need that break. Or maybe just pick your fights with your depression.

Some days when I’m feeling overwhelmed and fatigued by it all I’ll try and prioritise things. For example; it’s more important to brush my teeth than my hair, root canal is expensive and takes weeks to resolve. But matted hair can be cut out in seconds or brushed out later with some conditioner and elbow grease in a few minutes.

Another thing I do is use preventative measures. I have very long and sort of curly hair, and when I’m feeling good, I love it and I love looking after it. But when I’m sick, as I’ve said before, it gets neglected quickly. So if I can feel it coming on I’ll put it up in twin plaits so it doesn’t get so dirty or so tangled. None of this fancy braiding though, I have neither the patience or the skill for it. Just basic on your way to first day of Reception class at primary school in the 90s plaits.

I also cook in batch so I don’t have to worry about it during the week, and lay my clothes for work out for the week on Sundays. It’s a bit of a pain in my arse on Sunday, but when I’m stumbling around in the dark muttering about wanting to die before work I appreciate it.

What about you guys? Do any of you have things you struggle with in particular? Or any hints and tips that you find help you? I’m always looking for new things to make my life a bit easier.

Reference:

Smith, B. 2013. Depression and motivation. Phenomenology and the Cognotive Sciences. Volume 12. Issue 4. Pp 615-635.

[hiddenbysuccubi]

ADHD Issues (With Examples) For Dummies

- Or, things I need to tell my psychiatrist to make him actually see that I’m 100% ADHD. Sensory integration - can be touched and feel it elsewhere, there is PAIN, but I don’t know where?!? Toothache, but on wrong tooth, actually the root canal is needed on different tooth. You touched me below my elbow? I feel it above my elbow. Space out - Did I read that 12 times? I don’t remember what I read. Was I even reading? Better read it again. Where am I? When did I walk here? What was I doing? Who am I? Did I open the fridge 10 times? What was I thinking so intensely on? I know I told myself not to forget One Specific Thing. But of course that means I forgot it as quick as possible. Did I write it down? I always write things down now, WHY DIDN'T I WRITE IT DOWN? Emotional Processing - what you are saying is SERIOUS but I am busy thinking about what time it is and how much I don’t want to be here. Executive Dysfunction - I have to do the thing. Why am I not doing the thing. I should do the thing. I even want to do the thing. I’m not doing the thing. Maybe I’ll go to sleep and the thing will magically do itself. Procrastination - I have to do the thing. I’ll do 10 other things instead so I can say I was productive but not actually do the thing I need to do until I’m out of time. Memory fatigue - You told me something. I know it pertains to what you’re saying now. Maybe you said you’re grandma is dying and now she’s dead. But I just. Don’t remember. Did you say she was dying, weeks ago? You’ve been upset for weeks. Now you say she’s dead and it’s surprising to me? It makes sense but? It should make sense? But I just don’t remember. I can’t conjure up the memory. I’m so tired. Looping thoughts - I already told you what’s on my mind. I listened to you talk. And the conversation has moved on from what’s on my mind. And I should have closure on what I said, that’s on my mind. But I don’t. Now it’s back on my mind. I don’t remember saying it. I know you said something, and I responded, and I really care about you, but now I'm thinking of My Thing. Maybe if I say it 3 more times I’ll get rid of the thought and have closure. I don’t know. Can I express what’s on my mind again? Spacial Awareness - I have enough room to get through this doorway. Oops I ran into the side of the doorway. There’s enough thought and space to put my hand casually on this wall and lean. Oh no I miscalculated, my hand is catching air, I’m stumbling. Must readjust. I think there’s a step here but there’s not. Oh my god there’s a step but I’m stepping on air. And falling. Repetitiveness - Let me tell you a story ….. you already heard me say this exact same story? I don’t remember ever telling it. At least not to you. Are you sure? (weeks later) Let me tell you a story …. (it’s the same story, and I still don’t remember) Inattentiveness - I want to care, but I don’t. Look there’s a cool detail in the room. Everything else important is fuzzing out. Oh what time is it? What am I doing tomorrow? I’m hungry. Is this important? Can I leave? I don’t want to do this. I might actually want to pay attention but, who cares. I can’t. Is it lunch yet? Over stimulation - the fabric of jeans sucks. It’s too rough. I hate it. Is this jelly? I hate jelly texture. It’s too gooey. It feels gross. I hate it. I hate fabric. This mushroom tastes slimy. I hate it. It's the worst. Can I throw up? I hate putting my hand on this wall, it’s got bumps in the paint. My cat’s fur isn’t combed right. It’s greasy. I hate it. I hate it all. I have to shake myself from this feeling, literally. Full body jumping. Is that a wire in this bra? It sucks. It sucks so much. Ow, ow, ew, yuck, no. Is someone seriously fidgeting next to me? I hate it. I’m so angry. And their breathing is so loud. I can’t take it. Don’t breathe next to me. I want to crawl out of my own skin. All of this is horrible. Hyperactivity - NOTHING IS HAPPENING AND I’M BORED. Make something happen. Where’s the party? Where are the shots? I need to dance? Why not draw something? Can I write a story now? Where can I drive? This conversation isn’t fun enough. I need more people. I’m so BORED. Give me loud, active music. I need sensation. A massage, touch. Conversation. Excitement. Drama. Anything. Auditory processing issues - What? No I wasn’t paying attention. Say it again. No, what? What? Can you turn the volume on the TV up? I can’t hear. I’m not paying attention. What? I spaced out. Can you put captions on? Wait, what did you say? Can you repeat that in a different way so I can understand you? Can you write it down for me? I won’t remember. What did you say? Hyperfocus - I can see this one exact task and nothing else. Do not talk to me. I am working. I am only living for this one specific thing. Right now. There is only now. I don’t see a past or future. I am doing this one thing. I have to do this one thing. It is the most important thing I have ever done. You don’t exist. Only me and this task. Accident-Prone - The fry dropped in the oven so I just… reached in. I mis-judged the distance between the log and the axe so I just.. chopped my finger. I mis-judged the distance to the step so I just, fell. I thought I had more space so I just, ran over the thing and blew a tire on the car. I just, mis-judged the curve and hit it with my bike and got scraped up. I just… didn’t think about how hot the popper was and burned my hand? I just, I just, I just.

[basic-banshee]

large black coffee

A Carry On Coffeeshop - AU/ College - AU | inspired by this beautiful art. 

part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 | part 7 | Read on AO3

“I glance at the cup before I raise it to my lips, and one eyebrow goes up when I see what ridiculous insult he’s written on the cup today.”

Simon

“Penny, he’s back,” I groan. I rush into the back office where Penny is sitting on a stack of boxes, a huge notebook on her lap. She doesn’t even look up.

“Who’s back?”

I huff. She knows.

“Him! You know!”

She finally looks up and stares at me through her huge glasses. Some of her curly hair is stuck underneath the lenses.

“Simon. I don’t know.”

She’s being deliberately thick, she absolutely knows, but I gesture wildly toward the front of the cafe where I know he’s currently waiting. I practically ran back here the second the door opened and I saw his stupid coat and stupid bun.

“Him! The tosser with the names. Baz. Basil. Basilton. Who has two nicknames for the same name?”

Penny has looked back down again. She’s already checked out of this conversation. She always does when I try to talk about him.

“He comes here every day. Why is this a surprise?” 

“It’s not a surprise!” I sputter. I’m getting flustered. I hate explaining things.

“Please, will you take his order? I already know what it is. I’ll make the revolting thing, just please talk to him.”

Penny sighs, one of those deep, heavy sighs that feels like a parent coming to scold you. Penny has all of those mum sounds down perfectly. She’s going to be a terrifying mum one day, but in a good way. I guess she learned it from the best. Professor Bunce is extremely intimidating.

“Simon, I have a ton of orders to go through here. Why can’t you just deal with this?”

“Because we always fight! He’s such a tosser, we always end up squabbling and today has been so good, Penny. It’s been so good. Don’t let him ruin this day for me.”

Today has been good. It’s getting colder, and I don’t feel like I’m about to burn alive for once, and I opened the cafe this morning so I got first dibs on the scones. It’s been a great day.

I turn on the charm. I open my eyes wider. I pray that she’ll take the bait. She doesn’t even look.

“That’s just your thing, you know? Everyone has a thing they do with their barista. This is yours. Just go.”

“And Basilton isn’t even his name!” I’m almost shouting. I should probably be a bit quieter. “It’s his middle name. The professor called out his whole name in class, it was like an entire sentence. His name is basically Tyrannosaurus, Penny. Tyrannosaurus.”

Baz

They have absolutely no fucking idea I can hear them.

Simon

“Simon, this is absurd. I’m not doing your work for you.” Penny doesn’t mention that she’s busy doing just that, because I made a mess of the supply forms last week. I appreciate that she doesn’t go for the low blow. 

“Fine,” I say dejectedly. “I’ll do it.”

The tone of defeat is what finally gets Penny to crack.

“Simon, why does he bother you so much?”

That’s all the invitation I need.

“He’s just so creepy! He comes in — always alone — every day and orders that disgusting custom drink—“

“Oh, I think it’s rather good,” Penny interrupts.

“Yeah, every now and then, sure,” I concede. I’m still flustered. I know he’s standing out there. I guess I’ve kind of been making him wait for a long time. It’s a bit rude. I should probably just go out there and deal with it. Especially if I was wrong. What if it’s not him?

“I should just go take his order, shouldn’t I?”

Penny nods, she’s not looking at me again.

“That would probably be a wise idea, yes.”

I peer around the corner.

Nope. It’s definitely him. He sneers the moment I step out from the back office. Actually sneers. I’ve never seen someone do this before, but he’s got it down to an absolute art.

I shuffle to the register, my head down, and grab a medium cup from the stack. I won’t fight with him today. I won’t ruin this good day. I look up to give him one curt nod, then begin writing his order on the cup.

“Usual then?”

Baz

He’s already written my order before asking what I want. It is what I want. But I hate the presumptuousness of it. I dislike being predictable. Not to mention I just heard him call it disgusting. Twice.

“Usual then?” he asks. He speaks like a street rat, slurring his words together into some unintelligible mess of uzalen?

“No.” My voice is cold and clipped. Good. “I’ll have a large black coffee today.”

I’ve surprised him. You can see every expression on his stupid face, and right now he looks confused. His hands stop in the middle of ringing me up and he stares at me, his mouth open.

“What?”

It comes out low and sluggish. Wat?

“A large black coffee,” I repeat.

He’s squinting at me now, his blue eyes narrowing into a look of suspicion. He thinks I’m up to something. (I guess I am.)

He tosses the cup he had been holding and picks up a new one.

“Cutting back on sugar, eh? Good on you mate, got to dodge those root canals,” he says. Hearing him speak is like listening to the murder of the English tongue. I sneer at him again. I give him my best one, the one that reveals my teeth, so he can see them. I don’t like to brag, but they’re perfectly white. I know they look shockingly bright against my dark skin. Okay, maybe I do like to brag.

He’s staring at me. He’s waiting for me to respond. I stare back. He expects us to fight. So I’ll refuse to engage. It will throw him.

He’s still staring, and a flush is working up the tawny skin and moles of his neck and travelling up to his cheeks, where it meets his ridiculous mess of freckles. My silence is unnerving him.

“Is that... “ he stops. He moves his hand as if to pull it through the craze of curls on the top of his head but then he stops, and his hand is just hanging in midair. He looks like a gorgeous idiot. “Is that all?”

I don’t know if he’s talking about my order or the conversation. I just nod.

He squints at me again like I’ve just upended his entire world. (God, I wish.)

“You sure you don’t want your mocha?”

“Yes,” I say again. I’ve pulled my hand out of my pocket to tap my fingers impatiently against the wood of the counter. He’s staring at them. I tap them louder.

“Yes you want your mocha, or yes you’re sure you don’t want your mocha?”

This has quickly turned the corner from amusing to fucking excruciating. I would say there’s no way he could possibly be this thick, but he’s outrageously good looking, and brains and beauty rarely go together. Unless you’re me.

“Just give me the damn coffee, Snow,” I snap. I see his eyes go wide. I hadn’t meant to let on that I know his name. Fuck.

Simon

“How do you know my name?” The question is out before I realise it. Sometimes I hate that I say exactly what I think.

He’s glaring at me now, so much more intensely than he ever has before. I thought I’d earned his best glare the day I made him insert his chip-pin card ten times in a row because I kept accidentally cancelling his order, but that had nothing on the full-bodied look of hatred I’m getting now.

“We have a class together,” he says slowly, like I’m an idiot.

“Oh. Right.”

I should have thought of that to begin with. That’s how I know his name — his whole name, his whole posh, prehistoric name. He only ever gives his name as “Baz” when he comes into the cafe, and when the professor rattled off that whole mouthful I almost had to clamp my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing.

I’m surprised he realised I’m in that seminar though. I noticed him the second he walked in on the first day of term, but I sat in the back and he never acknowledged me, so I guess I just kind of assumed he hadn’t noticed.

He’s still tapping his fingers on the counter in front of me. They’re unnaturally long and slender. But not in a creepy way. In like, an outrageously elegant way. Who has fingers like that? I can’t help but look at my own hands as I punch his new order into the system. They’re pretty stumpy. Even my hands have freckles on them. It’s a bit mad, actually. I always look like someone has sprinkled a bit of dirt over me.

“Alright, so, right, that will be £1.50 then.” His fingers stop drumming long enough to fish out a handful of coins and slide them across the counter.

“Thanks, right,” I say as I slide them into the register. It closes with a thud, but he’s still standing there like a complete tosser, his hands in his pitch black jacket. He’s still staring.

“My coffee,” he says again, tilting his head toward the cup. I feel myself go bright red again. Fuck. Right. The coffee.

Baz

“So, you ready for that presentation on Monday then?” he asks cheerily as he fills my new cup. Why is he making conversation about school suddenly? And especially about that ridiculous class.

I’m actually a bit embarrassed to even be in it. It’s one of those first year seminars where they make you learn how to write essays and make powerpoints and work as a team. I didn’t take it my first year because I thought it was excessively stupid, and I was fairly sure I would be able to get out of it. Which didn’t work out exactly how I thought, as I am now surrounded by first years.

When Snow dragged himself in (late) that first day, I would have assumed he was a first year as well, if it weren’t for the fact that he’s been working in this cafe for at least two years, and he’d been in an upper-level class with me last year. (Statistics.) (I’m fairly sure that Bunce girl did all his work for him). So Snow and I are the only non-first years in the class, and it’s all a bit humiliating.

“Yes. I’m prepared,” I say as he puts on the lid. “For the presentation tomorrow.” I see him freeze. Panic flares around him as his blue eyes go wide, and his mouth opens a bit. He’s an absolute moron, and he believes my lie completely.

I can’t contain my smirk. He sees it, and it seems to piss him off because his shoulders hunch and he juts out his chin when he shoves my coffee at me. (Christ, even his hands have freckles.) (He always looks like someone has just sprinkled cinnamon on him.)

I glance at the cup before I raise it to my lips, and one eyebrow goes up when I see what ridiculous insult he’s written on the cup today.

“Tosser?” I ask breezily, shaking my head. “Not your best, Snow.”

I wait till I’m out of the cafe and well out of sight of the windows before I throw it away. I hate black coffee.

[lonita]

Politics is worldview

Your politics are your worldview.

I remember reading something about that a while ago, which I can't recall the source of. We like to talk about politics as this detachable entity that we can leave out of the equation, like we leave out our tastes in food, and whether or not we use bleach in the wash. Can we talk about the fingers and ignore the hand? Maybe, in nebulous conversations in a political science lecture hall we can turn politics into some kind of Socratic tea dance. But outside of that conversation? What you speak is what you are.

I'm not talking so much about where you vote, since people often enough vote differently than they believe. But that says something about a person as well. What you vote for is the baseline of what you're willing to tolerate. You can't separate your self from your politics any more than you can say that what you are at election time is not the same person you are the rest of the time. It all matters. The idea that you can separate your politics from the rest of your existence is a Western privilege. Or, at the very least, the privilege of the secure - something you should be grateful for, and realise the preciousness of, and not use as a bludgeon to thump those who call you out. It's an intellectual advantage that should never be weaponised, but sometimes is - and that's a frightening act. It falls in the realm of blaming the 'other' when you yourself are the fault - or, at the very least, an asshole of the 'devil's advocate' variety.

Your politics can show whether you care about others or don't, whether you are a liberal thinker or a tight conservative, whether you're insular or global-thinking, your kindness, your ability or willingness to see a bigger picture rather than merely the environs of your own front yard, whether you are visceral or cogitative, whether you're generous of spirit or miserly, whether you care, whether you don't care, if an angel or an ass, a demon or a saviour. They can be a measure of a person's fear, rage, stupidity, intelligence, or even hope. They measure how you feel about the 'other', or whether you other people at all. They can show you off or show you up, possibly in ways some other things might never do. There are enormous grey areas in human morality sometimes, but elections are a black or white, yes or no indicator of what you choose as your priority. Sometimes that priority is fair, wisely thought out, and considered as a basis for future betterment. But given the blind knee-jerk way that many vote by, voting can be a litmus test for your baseline, in an "in vino veritas" kind of way. I hate politics; rather, how politics evolves around an election specifically. I despise the mental midgets it turns some folks into, and the animals and bullies it makes of others. I hate the jockeying. I hate how it can bring out the worst in people. I sometimes hate it because it forces you to find out things about people you'd rather never have known. I'm a realist, for the most part, but even I'd occasionally rather live in the little bubble that doesn't force me to see just how depraved the human race can be. Politics can tear down heroes, and expose the raw inner flesh. I dislike its divisiveness; which is pretty useless in the situation in which we're living, where we're all on the same boat, and we'll all drown just as hard and fast by everyone fighting for the oar. I have my beliefs, and I'll stand by them, but the whole subject is about as appealing as having a root canal without anaesthesia, especially when part of the inner conversation you're having with yourself is whether or not you can still respect someone whose politics are so divergent from your own that you wonder if they are not objectionable as a person. - - - To round back to the point before I depart, what you vote for is what you are willing to tolerate, so I'll be blunt. If you vote for someone with racist allegiances, then you are willing to tolerate those racist allegiances and what they could bring. Scheer openly hired a member of Rebel Media as his campaign manager. A politician of his level does not hire someone like that without being completely aware of the optics of doing so. Either he accepts what this person believes, or he's willing to use that person's connections/abilities for his own ends. Both of those things are, to put it simply, distasteful. In fact, when questioned about Marshall's appointment, Scheer is quoted as saying: "I didn't ask Hamish about every client he had," Scheer said in response to a question from the Globe and Mail. "He has a variety of clients. He's a small-business owner himself, and I asked him to do a job and he helped me out on my campaign." That sure is some "Hey, look over there" weak tea, Andrew. When presented with opportunities to show that there was truth in his speechifying about how there's no room for racists in the Conservative party, Scheer took no action. Members of the party retained party status, and their positions. If there's a no tolerance policy, Andrew, why are you tolerating it? And given that Scheer spent a good portion of his current reign trying to maintain his two-tiered citizenship system that Stephen Harper advanced, don't think he won't take whatever opportunity he can to strip at least a million Canadians of their citizenship protections. If this does not make sense to you, it means that anyone with dual citizenship would no longer have any consular protections abroad, and their Canadian citizenship is revocable with, potentially, no recourse. If you are now wondering why they don't just renounce the other half, remember that they shouldn't have to to begin with, and that some countries make it extremely expensive and difficult to do so. That there's a good slippery slope catalyst. Whose citizenship gets the chop next? We have been lucky enough in this country to be able to watch the theatre of the far-right evolve and unfold on the stage of our neighbours to the south. Don't think that can't happen here. Socially, it already is. Just remember that we don't have to help it politically when election time comes in October. Don't give it air, ground, or teeth. Tell it to go packing. Don't think that the old-style, puppy-dog faced, Joe Clark fiscal conservative is lurking there beneath the surface. That party no longer exists. It hasn't existed since the federal Conservatives merged with the Reform, which is the single worst thing to ever happen in this country politically. I'm sorry it did. Now, those who are fiscally conservative but not socially so, (*) have no party (or so they think). But they still vote that way because they think there's no options for them. There is. Just read the major party platforms again. You'll see it yourself. Really, there is no left any longer. If you're still afraid of what Tommy Douglas did in this country, then you've got other problems that need addressing. There are certain realities about the future of this country that would not be well-served by a Conservative leadership - and certainly not by Maxime Bernier's crackpot alt-right - many of which are layered and complex and need to be addressed, but the two most impactful to consider right this very minute, and in October, are not giving any more ground than we have to to the right (and racism), and making sure that someone gets elected who can responsibly deal with climate change issues and the environment, even if that means those of us who self-indulge on that score have to suck It up and think of breathable air 30 years from now, and not just our bank accounts tomorrow.

* Saying you're fiscally conservative but socially liberal, by the way, is the worst sort of centrism. It doesn't matter how liberal you are socially if you still vote conservatively.

[nerdystrawberries1489-blog]

Finishing My 27th Year

It’s 12am and I have lots on my mine right now. Actually lots on my mind for many days now, but just been feeling all scattered brain to write anything down.  So here is my attempt. I just get overwhelm with all the thoughts that run in my head so that’s why I run away from my thoughts at time and just want to handle it as they come. 

I feel like so much has occurred in the past few weeks into 2017.  

Currently I just feel a bit out of place and missing you Naan! You are leaving tomorrow for your  family trip to Disney World! You don’t know how much I wish I was coming with you right now. I just want to be a part of this trip. It’s just suck on our situation at times, and I just want our life to start. Facebook hasn’t been a help either bc I have to see my friends pictures of their lives so happily married and starting family. I just want to get to that point with mine too. And I wish so badly my turn is coming...not sure exactly when, but I really hope it soon this year.  It’s tough at times to ignore people and I hate my career choice because of it I feel like I miss so much stuff in my life. Anyways I know it wont make much difference that you are going away for few days to a different state, but mentally just feel like its making an impact on my mind that we wont be in the same state and were gonna be even further away than usual and you’d be busy and I’d prob be busy too with my stupid work but still feel this anxious feeling inside me. I just want you to stay safe and be careful while you are away. I have this restless feeling inside me and just want you home asap and I know it’s your vacation and you want this week to last long, haha but for me I’m wishing Friday can come asap. That being said I really hope you have an AMAZING TIME at Disney World!!! You will enjoy it so much and please try to be open minded and be a kid to really enjoy it!  It’s one of my favorite place to be because I feel carefree. Just promise me that we will do this once when we can start hanging together and sneaking out into trips and once we have baby Hassan!  Take lots of Pictures for me!!! Really want to feel part of it!  And don’t let anyone get you down...just relax!!!  Things wont go as you plan during most vacation especially when people go with family, but just let things go and enjoy. Muaah I love you!!! I am at a point where I just can’t wait to hang out with you even as a friend this point.  Hope that day is coming soon. 

Thank you for yesterday!!! Thank you for making me feel so special on my Birthday!!! The night before my Birthday was a hell, and I cried my eyes off because I felt like crap. Felt crappy in a sense I worked my butt off that Friday while my tooth was in pain and handling everything was just so hard. And then I was away from family and friends who I can’t really spend my Birthday with, so was just feeling down. Thank you for making me feel not so lonely on my Birthday and cheering me up!  Hopefully in the future we can spend our birthdays together and thats more than enough what I want. Thank you for the spontaneous breakfast in bed, lovely chocolate cover strawberries, and my cute little petite cake!!! You are just very sweet and loving!! Thank you for everything you have done for me!  You put a HUGE SMILE on my face! You probably had a hint what my wish was when I blew my candle was for us to start our lives together soon! 

Friday was just bad day, it started bad because I got a stupid paged at 3 am...funny thing was this girl resident loves messaging me at 3 am...even yesterday she send me a birthday message at 3 am...I’m like are you serious????  Just because you are on night call doesn’t mean I am on night call too...I heard my text message go off at 3 am yesterday.  I was like shaking my head....lol  Anyways floor was rough Friday and sorta rough 2 weeks into the January. I just have annoying needy patient and annoying needy attending that except everything to be done. And they become so dependent in me bc I baby them. But somehow I made it through Friday and even today wasnt easy! Morning was a bit rough handling consults in ED and going to random Ankle Case but somehow it worked out. Good thing was I got 6 free numbers in the OR this last week which is a huge thing!! So it’s not all bad but Hummus is just mentally exhausted. On top the day before, I decided to get a root canal done at the dentist bc my wisdom tooth was in pain which end up getting me a throat infection...so now I am in process of losing my voice bc its itchy and hurts to talk. I hate taking medication but I have to force myself to take the antibiotics to prevent infection. Have to go back in 2 weeks to finish up my procedure. 

So what else happen was my parents bought me a car, so that part settled for me which was worrying the hell out of me. They said car would be delivered end of this month. I’m still pretty nervous handling a car in NY and freaked out of my mind how I am gonna manage driving here. I really think I’ll die in an accident. Anyways I got a Black Nissan Versa Note 2016 model. I just hope it works fine and it will last me 3 years without any problem and then this car can do whatever it wants to hopefully lasting me more years but just need these 3 years to be easy. Thank God this got settled I was very worried. 

Hmm I’m starving right now, but I can’t fully eat bc of my tooth I feel like my teeth on left side is jamming my gums and even when I sleep I wake up from pain bc Im grinding it down. My bite mark isn't the same anymore so its bothersome. Hopefully by the second procedure things feel better. At least the pain is gone which is a huge thing because it was pound pain! I wanna have the cake so badly right now and maybe I will.  

Tomorrow is my 3rd week into Floors. I just want it to finish so I can relax in February in my off service month! Just annoyed not having a vacation since September. Can’t believe how fast months have gone and its already end of January! That’s crazy!! It’s a good thing because I just want these 3 years over soon! I want to start focusing on my personal family life! 

There is so much else on my mind and I have a headache thinking about it, but I can’t think of it right now! I’m just really missing you right now!!! You are the best thing that happen to me and I want us to make it through any challenges that comes our way. I know we get into so many random fights and almost break up because of me but I just want us to make it through. It’s been a rough 8 months at times just staying apart and thats probably what is making things difficult. And people around us don’t help because I get jealous so easily seeing other people happy because I want that happiness too. I just want my turn!  

I LOVE YOU!!! MUAAH!!! I want to wish you a safe trip to Orlando Florida and wish you safe trip back home!!! I can’t wait until you come back!!! I promise I’ll wont be needy this week and lay low and take care of myself. You have to promise me you do the same and if something random happen you need to tell me RIGHT AWAY...I don’t need random clues that something is wrong!  Please ENJOY YOUR VACATION!!! See You Home Soon!!! I LOVE YOU!!! MUAAAH!!!!!

[deadmantalking117]

DOCTOR, DOCTOR - GIMME THE NEWS!

This one kinda weirds me out. A lot. When I began writing these essays, one idea kinda lead to the next. One memory lead to another. So, my brilliant and beautiful wife said. "You should use the notepad feature on your phone to list all the different things that you've had, to keep them in order " That turned out to be a really great idea. But it quickly became a huge undertaking of a couple days. One memory leads to another. When I added all the mundane things that everyone goes through or the one-offs, one time ER trips... it got insanely long. As you're about to see... Mundane = everyday regular stuff Special= diseases, surgeries, tests, procedures, etc. One-offs = accidents and injuries 0 THROUGH 10 YEARS OLD Mundane- -Birth -Measles -Mumps -Rubella -Chicken pox (Had all my vaccinations) -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Cavities, fillings, regular dental work Special- -Asthma attacks (3 years old) Spend a couple days in hospital for tests -Rhuematic fever (before 2 years old) High fever, almost died -Migraine headaches (since 4 years old) -Salmonella food poisoning (9 years old ) The whole town! From my sister's defective birthday cake. My first taste of Crohns One-offs- -Broken left little finger (3 years old) Feeding a goldfish, pulled over a dresser Left hand splint / half cast -Rusty nail through left hand (9 years old) Couple stitches / tetanus shot -Fish hook to the face (10 years old) Cut out hook / couple stitches inch below left eye 10 THROUGH 20 YEARS OLD Mundane- -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Regular dental work Special- -Migraines (since 4) -Spend week in hospital (13 years old) Undergo a battery of tests to figure out why a kid gets migraines. During one test, I stop breathing and need emergency resuscitation. Allergic reaction to xray contrast. -Hangovers (18 and up) It's why I don't drink! -Grease burns from working in fast food. It happens. One-offs- -Went to ER twice as a teen for concussions from playing football with friends. -Caught an iceball from my cousin, in my left eyeball. Scratched cornea, ER visit to clean it. Eye patch for a week. -Ran over a wasps nest while mowing. Stung 12 times. -2nd degree sunburn over 75 percent of my body. Fell asleep on the beach. One giant blister, got lidocaine spray from ER. -Had all 4 wisdom teeth plus 2 others extracted at same time. -Catastrophic bike accident. Ripped most of the skin from hands, arms, knees, damage to chest, legs, and face. So much blood! 20 THROUGH 30 YEARS OLD Mundane - -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Regular dental work Special- -My first real medical tests Blood tests - xrays - MRIs - CAT scans Upper and Lower GI series. -abscess near rectum Cut and drain in Dr. Office -Fistula. The long tear from my intestines through the muscle and tissues until it formed the abcess. -Surgery to repair the fistula (my very first major surgery!) -1st Bowel resection. Removed part of small intestine. Removed the appendix (Surgery #2) -Left inguinal hernia post resection surgery -Surgery to repair hernia (Surgery #3) -Cyst on left testicle (also post surgery, no idea why) cut and drain in Drs office. -Migraines (always) -High blood pressure is permanent (start pills) One-offs - -Root canals 30 THROUGH 40 YEARS OLD Mundane- -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Regular dental work -Glasses eye exams -Hypertension -Migraines Special - -Dozens of ER visits and extended hospital stays for Crohns disease. Hundreds of medical tests. Hundreds of needles. Dozens of xrays et al. -Bowel resection #2. Remove more small intestine ( Surgery #4) -Duodenal ulcer -Peptic ulcer -Five blood transfusions to replace severe blood loss from 2 different ulcers. Required 2 years of regular AIDS test as precaution. -Severely bloody stools from ulcers -Surgically insert central line IV access for easier access. Three long tubes dangling from my right side ribcage. Needs to be flushed and cleaned daily. Its inconvenient. Gets swapped out for.. -Infuse-a-port. A titanium drum inserted under the left collar bone, under the skin. For easy IV access. My veins are mostly destroyed by now. I have it removed a year or so after. -Regular colonoscopies from now on ! -Arthritis issues (getting older) -Skin irritation around nose and mouth during flare ups. Requires prescription creams One-offs - -Pneumonia (too much time in hospitals) -Another 2nd degree sunburn. On legs only. From surf fishing in ocean. Because meds I was taking made me very susceptible to sun. I wore long sleeves, but standing in water up to my ribs so I thought I'd be ok in shorts. I wasn't. Couldn't walk for 3 days. Blisters everywhere. -Narcotic withdrawls. After I walked away from everything at 40. 40 THROUGH 50 YEARS OLD Mundane - -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Regular dental work -Glasses eye exams -Migraines -Hypertension -Aging issues (pulled muscles, aches, pains) Special - -Many ER visits and extended hospital stays for Crohns disease. Tests, needles, etc. -Third bowel resection. Emergency surgery after ER trip. (Surgery #5). -Kidney stones. They're just starting -Fake heart attack. Feels real enough! First series of heart tests. Stress test, etc. Already showing signs of damage and hardening. -Pneumonias (more common as you age) -Regular colonoscopies at least every 3 years -Face flare ups during Crohns flares -Arthritis confirmed in hips,hands, knees One-offs - -Dentures. Vomiting all the time and chronic malnutrition are really bad for teeth. -Perforated left ear drum from water skiing wipeout. Forced water into the ear canal at high velocity. Ow. Deaf in left ear for several days. -Passed out from new blood pressure meds. Busted head on toilet seat. 4 stitches above left eye. Tell everyone I was mugged! It's a better story. -Got foreign object in right eye. Scratched cornea. ER to clean out. Prescription eye drops. Eye patch for a week. -Remicade treatments that crippled me. Couldn't walk, couldn't barely move, fell down, couldn't get up, crawled to phone, had daughter take me ER. Big dose of prednisone and I'm mobile again. Discover it's my new Crohns treatment causing the problem. Stop treatments and after 6 months, I'm back to mostly normal. 50 THROUGH 58 YEARS OLD Mundane - -Colds or flus -Various cuts scrapes bruises burns -Regular dental work -Glasses eye exams -Hypertension -Migraines -Old age sucks ( pulled a back muscle badly taking a shower ) Special - -ER Visits and hospital stays for Crohns disease. Tests, needles, blah,blah,blah. -Colonoscopies like clockwork -Occasionally kidney stones -Mononucleosis (don't ask) -Pneumonias (started getting vaccinated) -Valley fever. A ball of fungus in my upper right lung, common in southwest. Potentially dangerous. Requires lung biopsy. -Sleep apnea. Diagnosis from lung doctor after valley fever diagnosis. -New heart issues. During routine physical the doctor wants a routine EKG. He's panicked. I have to go to a Cardiologist tomorrow for stress test or die. He's already set it up. -Stress test. There's new problems! We need to put you in the hospital right now. We think you're going to die right now. Need angiogram. -Angiogram. They shave you down "there". Insert a long thin camera from your groin to your heart. Inject dyes. Watch the action. Everything looks ok here! Keep checking back every 2 or 3 years from now on. One-offs - I quit going outside. Wrapped my body in bubble wrap. Too tired to get hurt. I'm currently waiting for a meteor to crash through my roof. WOW! JUST... WOW! 58 years of living seems to have involved a ton of medical assistance. But here's the thing. If I were to strip away all the special things.. a lot of which aren't really that special. And all the one-offs, things which happen to lots of people, accidents will happen! Take all that away, and there's still years of regular stuff that everyone deals with. And as we age, there are more and more everyday issues that we all must cope with. The healthiest people in America, still have accidents. The healthiest people in America still get older. Half the things on my list are very common ailments. Healthcare effects every single human being. My list is ridiculously long. But take a few minutes, make your own list. You dont have to write it all down. Just spend a little time seeing how much you can recall. I'll bet it's way longer than you realize. Mine certainly was! Be well my friends

[bornconfused444]

Have you ever taken a shower with another person? Yes.

Who ended your last relationship? He did.

When was the last time you got in trouble with the police? Never.

What were you doing 15 minutes ago? Making food.

Are you any good at math? Nope.

What was going on in your life, one year ago today? I don’t really remember. So much has gone on that I don’t really remember what happened when anymore. Just that everything was a big mess.

Who was your best friend in high school? I had like 3.

Do you have any famous ancestors? Nope.

Have you ever been in love? Yes.

Where is your mom at? Not alive.

Have you ever kissed in the rain? Yes.

What’s one thing you wish to change about yourself? Everything. <-- same.

Are you spoiled? Not anymore I was when I was little though.

Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach? I don’t anymore but I used to.

What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had? Tbh I think the fillings I’ve gotten have been worse than the root canal I had. That didn’t hurt at all despite what people said it would feel like.

What is outside your back door? My backyard and a fence.

Do you have any plans for Friday? Today is Friday and I didn’t have plans no.

Do you have a secret crush? Not a secret one no.

Last text in your inbox? My boyfriend’s mom trying to sort shit out between my boyfriend and I and no offense but it’s not her fight to get into.

Do you dislike someone? Yes.

Something you are excited about? Nothing anymore. Had plans tomorrow but since my boyfriend decided to sleep the day away instead of do work, he fucked that up.

Favorite Flavor of jelly? I don’t like any jelly.

Are any of your great grandparents still alive? Nope.

When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group? I don’t remember like when I was in college sometime.

What kind of winter coat do you have? A bigass parka because this is Canada and our winters suck horribly.

What are the songs/movies that reminds you of yourself? I don’t know.

Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue? No.

What do you want to do with your life? I don’t know I don’t really want my life at this point.

Do you go to church? Nope.

What did you eat yesterday? I don’t remember.

Who was your first best friend? Amanda.

What’s your least favorite class? I hated math thankfully I only had to take that until grade 11.

Have you ever snuck out of your house? Yes when I was younger/

When was the last compliment you received? I don’t know that I was beautiful? Or something about my ass I don’t know my boyfriend’s an ass man.

What extracurriculars are you in? I’m done with school.

Do you wear contacts or glasses? Nope.

What’s the last movie you watched? I don’t remember.

Closest friend that lives by you? Ashley.

Are you on any medications? Yes.

What’s your favorite thing to do? Sleep, watch Thirteen Reasons Why.

Do you regret dating someone? Yes.

What are you doing tonight? Watching Thirteen Reasons Why.

When did you stop believing in Santa Claus? When I was like 10.

What annoys you? Slow texters, slow walkers, liars.

What’s the next vacation you’re going on? I don’t know I don’t even know if I’ll be able to do that in the next like 10 years.

Do you have anything bad on your phone? Nope.

Who do you sit with on the bus? I don’t take the bus I’m not in school anymore.