#depressionselfhelp | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

dysthymiadysfunction · 5 years ago

Text

Okay, so I posted once and dropped off the face of the earth. Whoops.

I’d love to say “I’ve been super busy with work” or “I’ve been on holiday!” but honestly I’ve just been trying to keep my head above water. It’s been a mess of appointments with various mental health teams, work, pet care, house work and attempting to force myself to do things to will supposedly help with how terrible I feel.

And I’m not going to lie; it’s mostly been out of spite that I’ve been doing these things. It’s so when I go to the doctors/see a therapist/ family member or co-worker asks how I’m doing and if I’ve tried X, Y or Z I can say “Yes, I’m doing yoga, I’m going swimming, I’m taking my meds, I’m doing the CBT workbooks I got from the library and I’m meditating”. Heck I even have a Headspace subscription and an extensive collection of colouring books and sharpie pens.

Pro-Tip; felt tip pens make colouring a lot easier if you have wrist/finger pain.

But hey, if my determination to tell people that I’m doing all that crap to shut them up is stronger than the depression and anxiety I’m not going to complain. At least it’s getting done.

Anyway, I promise this is all linked to what I wanted to talk about today. Which is; Depression and motivation.

It’s a struggle that really eats away at me. And I see it affecting other people around me as well.

Sometimes it’s just shrugging off something until tomorrow that I really should, but don’t really want to do e.g. cleaning out the guinea pigs litter trays. And sometimes it’s not washing my hair for two weeks. Or leaving the laundry to accumulate for weeks on end. Or, in one really bad case, letting paperwork I couldn’t be bothered to put away to clutter my desk at work for weeks.

Sometimes it’s a bit more serious. E.g. I just can’t cook dinner, leaving wet laundry in the machine for days on end, or putting off the less enjoyable parts of my job. All of which impact not only me, but the people around me. But it’s usually a minor inconvenience for others at least. Although in the case of the first one, it can be an excuse to eat Burger King on a Tuesday night. Which is at least tasty?

But there’s a few things I do (or don’t do) that are really not good, and honestly I’m ashamed of. At my worst I didn’t bathe for a month. A whole freaking month. No wet wipes, no showers, not even a damp flannel. Just me stewing in my own filth, and trying to hold myself together with dry shampoo, deodorant and strong perfume. I honestly can’t excuse it. I just felt so terrible the idea of even a quick shower was exhausting. I had to cut chunks out of my hair where it was so matted from not being washed. And I developed a skin infection. It was bad.

Honestly I’m a little apprehensive about including that admission. But I think it’s important to talk about those bits of depression. Depression is so often depicted by well-manicured young women with a single tear and artfully smudged mascara. When, it’s really not that at all. It’s wearing the same leggings for a week straight because you can’t muster the motivation to change more than just your shirt. And even that’s only because you’ve sat and done some mental calculations and decided it’s less effort to change your t-shirt than it is to explain why you’ve been wearing the same thing for multiple days to people.

According to Smith (2013) a common characteristic of depression is “a diminishment in or lack of action and motivation”. And oh heck do I feel that.

It’s something that CBT focuses on greatly as well. But the best advice you really get from your therapist is to “make yourself do it, even if you don’t want to”. At least in my experience anyway. Personally I find that only works for so long.

But by the time I’ve forced myself to get out of bed, get dressed, make myself look like I didn’t just roll out of bed, walk to work, eat breakfast, do my job (to varying degrees of quality I’ll admit), get lunch and walk home I don’t have a lot of “force myself” left. And I work part time, so for people in my situation who do work full time, I can only imagine how tired you must feel.

I don’t really have anywhere I’m going with this, no profound statements or anything. Just that if you’re also going through this; you’re not alone. And it’s okay to take a break from “forcing yourself” to do things sometimes. Obviously not all the time, but sometimes you need that break. Or maybe just pick your fights with your depression.

Some days when I’m feeling overwhelmed and fatigued by it all I’ll try and prioritise things. For example; it’s more important to brush my teeth than my hair, root canal is expensive and takes weeks to resolve. But matted hair can be cut out in seconds or brushed out later with some conditioner and elbow grease in a few minutes.

Another thing I do is use preventative measures. I have very long and sort of curly hair, and when I’m feeling good, I love it and I love looking after it. But when I’m sick, as I’ve said before, it gets neglected quickly. So if I can feel it coming on I’ll put it up in twin plaits so it doesn’t get so dirty or so tangled. None of this fancy braiding though, I have neither the patience or the skill for it. Just basic on your way to first day of Reception class at primary school in the 90s plaits.

I also cook in batch so I don’t have to worry about it during the week, and lay my clothes for work out for the week on Sundays. It’s a bit of a pain in my arse on Sunday, but when I’m stumbling around in the dark muttering about wanting to die before work I appreciate it.

What about you guys? Do any of you have things you struggle with in particular? Or any hints and tips that you find help you? I’m always looking for new things to make my life a bit easier.

Reference:

Smith, B. 2013. Depression and motivation. Phenomenology and the Cognotive Sciences. Volume 12. Issue 4. Pp 615-635.

#depression #dysthymia #depressionawareness #depressionselfhelp #mental health #ocd #psychosis #selfcare #mental illness #mental health awareness #blog #mental illness blog #mental health blog #depression blog

4 notes · View notes