#at least! i am being healthy and active and hanging with someone i care about <3< /div>
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phantasma-mirror · 4 months ago
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lesbianism really out here making me combat a vitamin d deficiency
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marikos-diary · 30 days ago
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I ended up getting sodas and going for a little drive. It was kind of nice. But I didn’t want to push my luck and overdo it so I came home. I’ll go out to get a carton of smokes later this evening once the sun has gone down and it feels less scary. I wanted to this time but I got scared with the sun out and everything.
I did eat a little something. It wasn’t healthy but it was what I could manage. Three mini bags of Doritos about an hour ago. Maybe thirty minutes ago? I don’t know. I will try to do a microwave meal for dinner so that it is at least somewhat healthy. I got a bunch of my favorite one in my last grocery order so I will try and do that.
Still haven’t managed to do litter boxes. It just feels so overwhelming. I posted on my local subreddit that my disabilities are keeping me from doing activities like taking care of myself and cleaning and asked for recommendations on what service to use. I got one helpful response but everyone else was really mean so I deleted it. I might look on somewhere like task rabbit for help cleaning the litter boxes just for a few weeks. I’d have to download the app and see if that is even something someone would do. And how much it would be. It’s worth a look. I don’t want the girls to suffer just because I am suffering. I’ll go download it hang on.
I downloaded it and looked and there is no way to hire someone just to clean the litter boxes and brush my cats. I would have to hire a pet sitter. But maybe that would be what I need to do? Hire someone to come by every day and brush them and clean their litter boxes. That way they aren’t suffering.
I don’t know. I feel so guilty for being so incapable. I’ll think on it. I’ll keep trying for today.
In other news, the thoughts are back. The urge to take all of my medicine all at once. I don’t have a plan. I just want to go for it. There is a feature in the new iOS where I can schedule messages to send at a certain time so I could let people know and apologize for not being better. I don’t know. I’ll think about it. It’s an option. Or maybe I wouldn’t even do that. I would rather not be found. I would leave plenty of food and water out fir the girls. I would make sure they were set for about a week. And they could always eat me too. So they would be okay until found. I would buy alcohol and take my meds with that, I think. And then climb in bed and get comfortable and put on a show or a podcast. And just drift off. That sounds so nice. I have o wait through. I just finished my Ativan bottle and I can’t refill it until later this month. So I have to wait regardless. Something about Ativan and drinking is very bad. But I will be patient and wait and see how I feel when the time comes.
So I guess I’m stuck here until then. I might go have another smoke. I lost track of time and idk how long it has been. If I do I will just go out and buy the carton. But I hear people in the hall so I am anxious to leave. My white noise machine only does so much.
I am finding that I much prefer this building early in the morning before anyone wakes up and deep late at night when no one is awake. It is very quiet and peaceful I am thinking of switching to a night routine just for a little bit to see if it helps with my anxiety at all. If it makes it easier to leave the house.
I wish I had a friend to talk to. I am so alone. All I have are my cats. They are my only companions, and I am probably leaving them too. Their love has sustained me for many many many years but I think I hit my limit. I don’t know. If I don’t do it now then I will do it when Boo passes. I don’t know. I don’t want to make them sad. But I can’t keep living like this. It’s been misery and misery and more misery ever since Kayla died. Nothing has been good since then. It’s all just been difficult and hard. Is it so bad if I want to join her? I don’t think so. I don’t know.
The cats complicate things. Maybe I will just stay status quo. And when they both pass then I will do it. I don’t know. I don’t want to leave them behind. But I don’t know if I can handle another however many years of being miserable.
I don’t know.
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necroticghost · 8 months ago
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so like generally my life is going pretty good
sure I could bring up the many problems that I've had for real, but like are they really problems?
yeah the sexual trauma was a bitch and not being able to go about my day without having traumatic thoughts coming forth to my brain like some shitty FNAF jumpscares was scary, and way too much
but it's been a couple of years and it's gotten like far better on it's own to the point where the stuff doesn't really reappear too often
I'm mostly ready to just put that stuff behind as long as I don't have to think much more about that
The bullying and harassment is not apart of my reality anymore even though the anxiety disorder those people gave me still haunts my life it's like. pretty manageable.
I can't really get up from my bed and I see no point in doing so. but hey. there's an old, loyal cat to cuddle at my side.
life's kinda bleak, depressing and chill
kind of like I'm stuck in a calm rut tbh
hey there, and sorry to reply a couple of days later
didn't expect to receive this but I am glad you could vent and talk about stuff that's bothering you, it's always safe here. :)
don't diminish your problems, trauma is trauma. as long as it affected you yes it was a problem and it's always valid, though I wish you never had to experience any of it.
it's good to hear that the flashbacks happen less often. from the bullying part to the end of the message I relate like 90% just because I (sadly) don't own a cat.
hope it's okay if I share something that might be helpful? a while ago I actually looked a bit into complex ptsd and how it affects the brain's response to situations, making it automatically focus of survival and staying safe instead of a healthy response that someone without trauma would have. maybe it could help you understand yourself better too?
the last part is so damn relatable. such a curse to finally be okay and not really have anything bad happening anymore, but still being haunted by what happened in the past which makes us unsure about the future, if not unable to even care about it.
if you ask me, having a chill and depressing life is far superior to constantly being on edge and scared all the time.
anxiety is a bitch. but hey at least you don't actively go through anxiety inducing situations anymore, which is really good. I can only hope that things will get better and better for you, you deserve a peaceful life that's chill and pleasant. hang in there yeah? 🖤
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lavalamplana · 1 year ago
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It's all okay.
I can't remember the last time I posted on here. But I'm fairly certain I was still whining about my ex boyfriend. He was so terrible to me it's actually unreal. It's also amusing to me how little I feel emotionally about the entire situation now. There's no more weight on my heart. My head still feels a little bit cloudy though. I keep going out with guys and it keeps blowing up in my face. I actively self-sabotage the fuck out of myself. It's not funny, but there's a sense of irony and dry cynicism that looms in the undertones of my behavior.
I get what I'm doing. Yet at the same time I don't really care. I feel like I can be abrasive or aggressive or blunt and all of that is fine. I'm having to unlearn so many "bad" things and reprogram them as "having worth simply because they exist". Not that I have to cling to it or anything. It's all exhausting. I still feel like a freak. I'm beginning to revel in that maybe a little too much and that does worry me a little bit.
I haven't decided if it's negative or not. Once again though, it's only bad if I assign a bad value to it. So really none of this actually matters. But I still want a boyfriend. I try to do it cordially and men suddenly think I want to marry them and have their babies. At least it seems that way. I feel like I run people off with my abruptness. Like SIR all I'm trying to figure out is your intentions in talking to me. Dating today is so absolutely fucked up. I hate it. I'm entirely confused all the time.
I just want someone to hang out with and feel feelings with and make memories and have lots of fun sex with. If we fall in love and it becomes intense and futuristic, okay. First of all ROADBLOCK, because I know my abandonment and commitment issues will begin to flare up lmao. Like a bad chronic illness, just pops up right when life is going right. I literally just want a boyfriend. I want attention and I don't want to worry about being cheated on or lied to. I just want to have sex and share feelings and make sure that my body and my feelings are safe within that process.
I think it's all weird right now too because a ton of people are beginning to get married and have babies. FREAKY AS FUCK. I'm not ready for any of that. No way in hell. I just want a boyfriend. I feel like the "mating pressure" has begun or something. Like when I go out with men now it doesn't feel as fun. Maybe it's me in my head with my own expectations but the last two guys I went out with it just came off as intense for no reason. Space and distance gentlemen, respect.
I don't know it's all very weird. Being 25 is a weird age. The economy sucks, I get paid doo doo dollars at work, and I can't buy any of the shit I want. It sucks. Life feels so monotonous and I have no real responsibilities. How can I feel so tied down and trapped?
My latest plan is to take some time for myself GENUINELY and take care of some personal business I need to handle. I have a lot of stuff I want to do. My mind feels healthy and stable. I'm just bored right now. Unfortunately all too self-aware as well. Maybe that's why dating isn't going well for me right now. I've got no patience for shuffling feet and beating around the bush. Perhaps there's an art in subtly that I've lost. Really though, I'm not sure I've ever really possessed such a skill.
I've got to amend some issues within myself. I've got promises to keep and commitments to maintain. The whole prospect of dating seems to be bringing me discomfort anyway. So maybe it's best to take a break until New Years. I could do that. I got to get interesting again. So damn angsty all the time.
I feel fairly confident the ADHD mask is coming off finally. I think what I'm hitting against is the "I don't give a shit anymore" threshold. It's close and that is exciting. What do I want to do with myself? I can do whatever I set my mind to. I am in control of me. That rules. <3
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oopsimbug · 3 years ago
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in which... y/n is just trying to put on eyeliner and harry is bored pt. two
a/n: when she’s back from a six month hiatus after making only ONE fic. wow, do i suck. for anyone who cares, school has been pretty rough. i’m actually procrastinating studying for an exam to finally upload this. it’s been pretty hard to balance both school and writing but oh well. anywho, here it finally is. it took so long to write because i wasn’t feeling very inspired by this. a lot of people asked for a part two and even though i kinda wanted to leave it on a sad note, i am a sucker for giving the people what they want, so sorry if this is a bit shit- i definitely don’t like this one myself. i guess i’m not one for fluffy endings. well, at least for this one i wasn’t. i really hope you enjoy it! more stuff to come, if school doesn’t mind fucking off for a little while (or maybe just forever?) xox -(a) bug
pairing: best friend! harry styles x reader
summary: Harry is worried about Y/n. Y/n is worried about Harry. Harry is solving it by thinking of ways to check on her, while Y/n uses cheesy pasta and the Fresh Prince of Bel Air as an excuse to not think. But what will happen when someone is at her door, and it’s not her delivery man?
warnings: angst, swearing, y/n and harry being idiotos, fluffy end, kissing
word count: 5.3k
It had been a week.
One gruelling, painfully long week.
Harry was biting his nails, staring up at the ceiling as he laid in his bed, worrying about her.
About how he fucked up.
He didn’t think that she would be upset for this long. He thought she would scream at him and then text him the following day, wanting to hang out- a silent “I forgive you”, he supposed.
But after two days of radio silence on her end, he decided to call her. The only problem was that her last words to him were “leave”. She wanted space. She needed to think things through- what things? Harry had no clue. But he had to respect her and her choice to not want him around. So with that, he put down the phone.
But a small part of him (okay fine, a big part of him), wanted her to just show up at his house so they could cuddle again, talking about the stupidest of things while they made cupcakes in his kitchen. They would be listening to groovy music and now and then, they’d stop mixing bowls and sifting flour to dance- well, they were horrible dancers, so more so just wave their hands, hips and shoulders around. It would be fun and would always end up with them laughing at one another. He would lick the batter and she would berate him, telling him that “one of these days, you are going to get salmonella and I’ll just laugh at your stupid ass” and he would retort with something witty and a bit flirty like “don’t worry darling, we both know you would be right at my side if I got sick. I know you can’t stand being apart from me” with a wink and a cheeky smirk. He just wants to see her in her oversized Space Jam hoodie and little basketball shorts. Or her short flower shirt and his sweatpants that she has to cuff at the bottoms because they’re too long. Or even-
He’s gotta stop thinking about her, or his brain will soon explode. But he just can’t stop. He tries to think of the happier moments, like her showing him a tour of her very healthy houseplants that she prides herself in, but every time he closes his eyes, all he can see is her teary face telling him to leave. So no, if he was given the choice to think of her flailing her arms around in his kitchen to dancehall tunes while making sweet treats or crying at something that he provoked, you bet your ass he’d choose the former.
But after the seventh day, he knew that something wasn’t right. This was too much “thinking time”. For all he knew, she could be fine, but she could also be positively bawling. She could be living for this free time, but she also could be waiting for him to make the first move. She could be wanting Harry out of her life for her benefit forever, but she also could be feeling lonely and counting the seconds for their makeup, just like he was.
That was it. He had to go see her and make sure his best friend was okay.
He practised what he was going to say to her in his car on the way to her apartment. “Y/n, I’m so sorry for how I acted. I didn’t stop to think about how you were feeling and didn’t take your emotions into account which was unbelievably wrong of me. I’m truly sorry. It’s just that I really care about you and you’re my best friend and I can’t see you choose a tinder fuck over me and if I saw him in the street I would knock his lights out and I just want to kiss you, can I kiss you, oh god please let me kiss you I just want to-“
Fuck, what was wrong with him? Why was he so upset? He had been on plenty of dates with other celebrities and models and she was always on the sidelines, cheering him on. So why was he getting so touchy-feely about a single tinder date? Maybe he was just in desperate need of attention. He hadn’t had a girlfriend for almost one year and casual fuck arounds also stopped about four months ago, so maybe he just needed to fuck someone quick. That would explain why he sees his best friend’s kindness and natural flirty nature as something more romantic. Every laugh at his jokes, every look in her eyes, every graze of her hand on his thighs as she leans over him to get her drink on the side table next to him, he becomes more switched on and awake. She leaves him feeling giddy and excited at every conversation. “This can’t just be because I’m horny right?” he cannot believe he would ever be that horny. What the hell was he going to do?
*
This is pathetic she thought.
I’m pathetic.
She let out a huge sigh before shoving another forkful of cheesy pasta into her mouth.
What am I doing?
The answer?
Eating carbs upon carbs upon carbs, lounging on her comfy sofa in the most comfortable, yet daggiest pair of pyjamas ever while watching reruns of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air for the fiftieth time, actively avoiding all commitments, housework and jobs that involve moving further than to the kitchen, which even then was an embarrassingly burdening trek on its own.
But she let it slide. How could she not? She was upset and this was how she coped. That’s what she kept reminding herself as she boiled more and more pasta watching the days pass her by without realisation, but now, she’s beginning to question if this was the best idea. Pushing all thoughts of him out of her mind by not looking at her phone just in case he called or texted. But she was beginning to struggle.
It wasn’t his fault. He didn’t know what inner turmoil she was facing. He seemed genuinely hurt when she snapped at him. He truly didn’t understand why she took so much offence to the playground ribbing, it seemed. And she had to go be a dick and ignore him. He was probably worried sick. How many times would he have called to check up on her? 10? 15? The more she thought about it, the more she wanted this stupid feud to be over and just be in his arms again, even if it’s just as a friend. So she caved. Turned on her phone, expecting there to be at least a call or a text asking if she was still alive or not. And although she did receive a message of that likeness, it wasn’t from Harry, no. It was from her daily water tracking app, pleading her to fill in her daily intake of water so as to not die of dehydration after she was suspected to have not drunk any for the entire week when in reality, she was just too in her head to open her stupid phone and log her water.
Wow, she thought.
Now not only has Harry chosen to not speak to you, but you also look like a huge idiot right now. Of course, he wouldn’t want to talk to you! You got pissed at him for absolutely no reason and now he hates you. He’s gonna ask for his cardigan and track pants that he keeps at your house in case he wanted to sleepover. He’s going to take back all of his little knick-knacks that he leaves over, like the cute diffuser that he leaves because he knows you need it for your constant hay-fever that blocks your nose and then he’s going to declare that you aren’t friends anymore and then you will never get the chance to tell him how you feel and then-
Her panicky brooding is interrupted by a knock on the door.
“Who the hell could that be?”, she thinks. It was too late for it to be the postman with her package containing her entire Amazon wish list that she bought on the third day of mourning to make herself feel better. But it couldn’t be Mrs Xiao asking her if she had any holes in her shirts that needed stitching. The sweet old lady fell asleep at 8:37 pm sharp after her medicine that she’d take at 8:30 pm would kick in (which she learnt after spending nights over at her apartment where her niece, Mei, took care of her. Y/n would learn traditional recipes like baozi and watch movies with her two friends all the time). It couldn’t be Mei either, she was always in online uni lectures from 8:30-10:30 pm, locked away in her little study, so as to not bother or be bothered. So now, a little panicked, Y/n wondered who was truly at her door?
Another two knocks come, echoing off the walls of her little apartment as she turns down the volume of the program she was watching. She stares at the door from her couch, debating whether she should risk getting stabbed by a possible murderer or not, before ultimately deciding that life was too short. She was also getting sick and tired of the knocks that kept arriving in threes. She swings her legs off the couch and onto the floor, pushing them into her slippers so that her feet wouldn’t touch the cold floor, waddling her way to the door before shyly opening it, peeking at who it could be through the tiny crack in the opening, hoping whoever it was wouldn’t mind her current state: belly filled with pasta, hair knotty, giant shirt with sweatpants on and Harry’s patchwork cardigan hanging off her shoulders- which she had been wearing all day, cherishing the pretty piece of clothing and his scent imbedded in it, taking it all in just in case he asks for it back. She peeps at the torso of this mystery person, realising that Harry owns the jumper worn by them, before looking up and locking eyes with a worn out and tired eyed Harry, one hand in the pocket of the familiar hoodie and another extended out near the door, ready to knock again before freezing when it opens up all the way to show herself to her best friend. He doesn’t eye her up and down cheekily like he normally does when she is wearing pyjamas, wolf-whistling at her relaxed state, claiming that “You look runway-ready, my love! Do a twirl for the crowd, will you?”. Instead, he stares her right in the eyes with what looks like almost relief, before smiling a weak and broken smile.
One of them needed to break the silence or both would have just stared at each other in her doorway until the world exploded. So she starts.
“Hi.” her voice hovers a tinge above a whisper, almost as though if she dared to speak louder, this probable illusion of the one she loves would fade away. He lights up a little bit, probably relieved that she started the conversation.
“Hey,” his soft voice matched her volume and tone as if he too didn’t want this to be a dream. “May I come in?” The words sound awkward to her coming out of his mouth. Harry never had to ask for permission to be invited in- he usually just strolled in without so much as a holler to indicate he was present, finding amusement in scaring her instead while she was doing whatever she was doing, whether that be reading, watching a movie, cooking or napping. They were the best of friends and never had to inquire about entry to each other’s domains, along with other small things like if they had anything in their kitchens to eat or if they could sit somewhere, so hearing it was a little disheartening and provoked Y/n to think about how serious this situation was.
“Okay”, she replied after the pause of contemplation, opening the door fully so that the lanky boy could follow along behind her, like a little puppy. She didn’t like how awkward the situation was. She just wanted things to go back to what they were.
But then you wouldn’t be able to tell him you love him... her inner voice argued. And she agreed. She knew that yes, this will be awkward, but it’s an opportunity for him to listen to her and know that she isn’t joking.
“Would you like some tea?” She enquires. They’ll need to handle this like proper grown-ups (which in all honesty, isn’t their dynamic- it’s more like first-year uni students who are mature enough to have deep conversations but still laugh at dad jokes and anything remotely serious, like a painting with boobs), and from what she knows, or has seen in movies when the characters are being serious, is that you need tea or a drink of that sort and a sit down on the couch where you talk stuff out. So that’s exactly what she does.
“Yes please,” Harry’s soft voice replies as he toes off his boots that most definitely cost more than her apartment. Y/n nods and heads to the small kitchenette and flips the switch on the electric kettle before going into her cupboard that housed the mugs. Harry stood awkwardly near the sofas, and to save him the embarrassment of waiting while standing, Y/n invites him to sit with a small, “You can take a seat,” and a quick glance at him before returning her gaze to the mugs to make herself look busy. She didn’t want to look him in the eyes for more than three seconds in fear of bursting into tears and the worn out and tired sight of him. She shakes the thought out of her head and begins to prepare the mugs.
Y/n put two teabags in her mug while putting one in Harry’s. She was raised in a household of avid tea drinkers and she inherited her strong tea quirk from her father who would always keep two teabags with only a dash of milk, and the only difference between her tea and her fathers was that Y/n wasn’t strong enough to take her tea without sugar, unlike her father, who thought that drinking unbelievably concentrated leaf juice with milk was a fun and relaxing time. On the other hand, Harry liked to keep one tea bag in his mug while he drank it, but just like her father, he too took little to no sugar with his cup, being the health freak he was. And early in their friendship, when she mentioned it to him, Harry chuckled and chirped, “Your father is a smart man. He has to be for raising amazing and talented people like your siblings. I’m not sure what went wrong with you though...” while booping her nose as they laid together under a tree for a little picnic. And though she rolled her eyes at him and punched his shoulder for the sly dig at her, she was practically beaming at the fact that he thought her family was smart. Harry had no idea how much that meant to her. Y/n loved her entire family, and she was unbelievably close to them, so it made her entire week to know that Harry, someone she respected and loved so much, recognised how talented and smart each of her family members were. Don’t get her wrong, she didn’t need the validation to know that her family was amazing, but she felt so special knowing he took the time to notice. He did that a lot though. Doing things that meant a lot to her without batting an eye. Saying things that only a person as observant as he could notice, like complimenting her eye colour in the light and asking her to read for him because he constantly mentions how much he loves her voice.
Y/n looked over to the same sweet guy she fell head over heels for, who was sitting on her couch, fidgety as ever, and wondered if they would ever be the same after the very next moments to come. She didn’t want things to change between them, but she was dying inside knowing that he wasn’t hers. And getting over him was not in the question, after the fiasco that happened last week. She just wished she could get inside his head to sate her painful curiosity.
What is he thinking about?
**
What is she thinking about?
It’s the million-dollar question running through his mind. What was she pondering over as she made them tea? Did she want to talk to him? Was she mad that it took him so long to find the balls to face her? Was she as nervous as he was? Was she worried that they would never be the same again like he was?
He was going into panic mode, questioning everything, while probably looking stupid as ever. As much as he regretted how awkward things were now, and the fact that he instigated her to lash out at him a week ago, he was realising that he was not regretting the fact that he did it. He didn’t want her to go out with someone else, and she didn’t. And yes, of course, he feels bad-beyond bad, in fact- for making her cry, and wishes he could take it all back, he also sees this as an opportunity to tell her how he feels about her. He could finally tell her that he thinks about her all the time. About her soft smile, her bright eyes, her melodic laugh, her speaking voice that brings butterflies to his stomach. He could tell her about how he loses himself at work, the grocery store, fuck- even at events- thinking about what she was doing at her house. Was she under her blankets on her couch, watching some corny tv show? Was she baking her signature choc chip cookies that taste like the gods blessed every single biscuit on the tray before they were put in the oven? Was she knitting her cat, Chesnut, another rug to plonk herself down on, with her feet up on the ottoman as she listened to the 7 o’clock news on the radio? Was she writing a paper for another deadline? Something so sophisticated, like the exploration of white and male privilege and how it is ingrained in our society? Something that Harry tried to understand and research so that he could stay in the loop with his smart girl’s interests, but he always struggled with.
It was a huge insecurity of his. Not that his best friend was smarter than he was, no way. He treasured the fact that she could and would whip his ass at a debate on things like the state of the world, or human rights. She could school him on global politics, languages, maths, science, history and literally anything else, and he would be cheering her on. What he was insecure about was her realising that he was probably slowing her down in life. Y/n was well within her rights to kick him out of her life for being nothing but a freeloader and stopping her from reaching her full potential, what with him constantly stopping her from her own life to help him go through shit happening in his. Whenever he was sad, or confused, or upset, Y/n was the first person he would talk to and he feared that she would realise that he was probably taking advantage of her and stop talking to him. And that scared him. It scared him because he knew that she didn't need him at all, but he needed her to do anything in life. Every major and minor decision in his life has been approved by Y/n first, and not because she was a controlling friend who didn’t trust him with his own life, but because Harry needed her validation. Harry Styles, a world-famous superstar, had girls, guys and non-binaries at his feet, following his every beck and call. Harry Styles, who was on the cover of every magazine, known by every celebrity, dated only the most perfect of women, required validation from Y/n, a psychology major at a small university. Y/n, who liked to plan her day out on a to-do list, end up not doing anything on that to-do list and cry about it afterwards. Y/n, who breaks it down to “Murder She Wrote” by Chaka Demus & Pliers like it’s her last 4 minutes and 5 seconds alive on this Earth while making pancakes. Y/n, who cries more when she’s laughing while watching Tik Toks than she does during sad movies.
To celebrities, Y/n was nothing but a regular. But to Harry, she was all. She was the warmth of a sweater that you toss in the dryer for a few minutes to make it extra toasty. She was the pad of butter that you spread onto your pumpkin sourdough toast and it ends up being exactly the amount you wanted. She was the feeling when you are driving home from a long day of interviews and premiers, and you’re on the freeway and the windows down and you just… exist. She is the feeling you get when you watch Pride and Prejudice, and the relief of when you find the perfect word to end a lyric. She is when your shoes fit perfectly, and when you finish a book so utterly fulfilling that you lie there in a trance, looking up at your ceiling at 3 am, wondering how you could have been so lucky to be able to be blessed with an ending like the one you just read. Y/n was all those things and more.
And that’s why he had to tell her he loved her. No matter how scared he was.
***
The electric kettle is finished boiling the tea all too quickly as the bubbling comes to an end and the distinct click of the switch turning back off echoes around the silent apartment. Y/n had poured the scalding hot water into the two cups she had prepared stared into them.
It was time. She had tried to avoid this for as long as possible, but now it was the moment to face the music. She picked up the two mugs of tea and brought them to her lounge where Harry was sitting on her worn in green sofa, staring at her coffee table, eyebrows scrunched, pouted lips, deep in thought, before looking up at her with wide green eyes, and followed her to where she stood in front of him. She passed his mug to him before sitting on the comfy chair a few feet away from the sofa and from him, putting some distance in between them for her sake, so that she wouldn’t try to hug him and say sorry without saying what she needed to say first. Which she needed to start talking about now, so as not to sit in the awkward silence created by the two.
Say something!!
“So…’
Jesus fuck…. was that all you could think of? Wow. I am going to lose my best friend.
Y/n was choking.
“I am so sorry,” Harry’s voice intercepts, raspy from the lack of use, looking up from the coffee table he seemed so interested in. “I am so fucking sorry Y/n. I have no excuse as to why I was making fun of you that day. I pushed too far and I am a shit friend for not noticing that you were already on edge. It was so wrong of me and I am so sorry.” He stopped himself before he started to ramble, looking at her with eyes filled with an emotion she couldn’t decipher.
Y/n felt… unsatisfied. Why did she feel this way? He apologised, right? So why does she feel unfulfilled? Why does she want him to say more? He hit all of the points he had to for a standard apology, so why did she think he hadn’t done enough? Was it that little optimist in her brain hoping he would maybe reveal a slight attraction to her? Maybe tell her that he loves her, and has loved her forever and ever? Confess that she has bewitched him, body and soul so that she didn’t have to? God, was she an idiot. But a lovestruck idiot at that. She bites her tongue and replies.
“Harry, I forgive you. Although you were annoying as ever,” She rolls her eyes and smirks, while he lets out a breathy, half-assed chuckle, showing his acknowledgement at her attempt to ease the lowered yet still prevalent tension. She continues. “ I understand that you were just trying to have fun. I guess I was the one who irrationally lashed out . I am always okay with you poking fun at me, but I was just frustrated and tired and I took it out on you. I’m sorry for the improper communication and I’m sorry for pushing you away when we should’ve just talked…”
“I forgive you too. I think this was just miscommunication on both parts.” He stared into her eyes, almost as if he could sense the discontent in her, but chose to ignore it.
“I guess so.” She halfheartedly answered, not really knowing where to take the conversation next. They had both apologised, but evidently still had things to say. Well, Y/n had things to say, that’s for sure, but she was pretty sure that Harry wanted to say something too. He had that look on his face where he wanted to say something but was forcing himself not to.
What does he want to say? Why can’t he say it to my face? I mean, sure, I’m also hiding shit I wanna say, but I have an excuse. This could ruin our friendship. What does he have to say?
“Great,” Harry replies, trying to fill the awkward pauses and conversation that is being held. He still looked like he had something to say, but seemed like he was not budging.
Well, if he’s not saying anything, I’m not either. Why do I have to confess my feelings and put our friendship on the line if he isn’t even going to say what’s on his mind?
“So, are we good?”
“I don’t know. Are we? I mean, I forgive you and you forgive me, right?”
“Right… No yeah, we’re alright. We’re completely fine!” Y/n replies quickly. Why the fuck would you say that? You’re not fine.
There is a pregnant pause and Y/n has half a better mind to just get up, walk to the bathroom again with her head down and lock herself in there till he leaves again, because she cannot take this awkward conversation. Not with him. She shifts, ready to stand up to get some water, when Harry looks at her, confusion and slight panic setting into his face.
“Wait. I don’t think I’m fine…” She looks up at the boy sitting in front of her, reading the words from her mind like they were scribed on a piece of paper in the blackest of ink, permanent and bold. Her heart stuttered. What else did he want?
“Is everything okay, H?” she tentatively asks. He loses eye contact with her, gaze lowering towards the table in front of him
“I-” he pauses, trying to collect his thoughts while simultaneously trying to explain to her why he wasn’t okay. “I just- fuck” his head falls down, his face inches away from the hot tea in his hands, the humid steam billowing out of the mug and warming his elegant face as he takes a deep breath and tries once more to convey his thoughts. “I don’t want us to be friends again.”
Her heart stops. This could go one of two ways. He could either be confessing his hatred or his adoration for her, and either one would probably end with her imploding. She tries to take a neutral tone when she replies.
“What does that mean, H?”
He looks at her once more. “It’s not enough, Y/n... “
“What?” She is confused. Her friendship isn’t enough? How is she supposed to reply to that?
“I want more. I don’t want us to just be friends. I want to be more with you. I want to do more with you. I want to do things that friends… they shouldn’t do together…”
Is he trying to confess he likes her? Why, in all the ways you could speak, would he choose to speak like that?! She has had enough of him dawdling around his feelings. “Harry, stop being cryptic and fucking tell me what’s going on?!”
“I love you, Y/n! I fucking love you, Y/n. So much. And it is eating me from the inside out. I hate that we can’t be normal anymore, and I hate that you don’t love me the way I love you, but I cannot sit here and pretend everything is fine, because I love you.”
Y/n is stunned. Frozen in her spot. Can’t move, can’t speak, can’t breathe. Stuck in space, and stuck in time.
Holy fucking shit… he loves me…
While Y/n processes the life changing knowledge that her best friend loves her, her best friend conveniently sits next to her, wishing that he was dead for the letdown he was about to receive.
“Say something… please, for the love of God, say something!”
****
She looks up at Harry. Not Harry Styles, playboy, whore, singer, millionaire, but instead; Harry, her best friend of five years, reddened face out of embarrassment. She sees the mortality in his eyes. Feels his presence so heavily in the moment. She is in awe. True awe of him, and his ability to love her. And with that awe- and that stupid look on her face, she reaches up and cradles his face in her hands, brushing her thumbs softly over his plush pink lips. He stands just as still as her, barely breathing, as if it would shatter the fantasy to stardust and he would wake up in his bed, cold shivers running down his spine, as has happened previously whenever he thought of this moment, staring up at his ceiling at 3:40AM wondering why he thought of his best friend in such a way. She creeped closer to his face before stopping a breath away from him, and whispered.
“Is this okay?”
She looked into his eyes, and he looked into hers, both never feeling so alive before. He wishes to tell her that she needn’t ask for his permission, and that he wants to kiss her forever. Eternally locked in an embrace that holds their souls together. But all he can muster is a weak and broken whisper back.
“Please,”
She can hold it for no longer, and leans in the rest of the way, their lips moulding together, for the very first time, eyes fluttering close, as his hands reach to grab her by the hips to straddle him, deepening the kiss even further. And when they part for breath, panting for air with slightly moist lips, they touch foreheads, eyes still closed. Words needn’t be exchanged- everything that yearned to be said was useless, as it could never describe how they truly felt for each other. So hopelessly besotted with one another, that all they could do was breathe together before kissing once more, hoping that their actions could provide even an iota of an idea of how much they love one another.
Two best friends, turned lovers forevermore.
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bokettochild · 3 years ago
Text
The Worries and Woes of Heroic Hair
Y'all were busting out hair headcannons before I left, so I saved a few and wrote a fic for them.
Featuring:
Pre-maturely grey Twilight
Curly haired Legend
Long haired Four
(As well as a reference to long hair Sky)
Warriors had gained the unfortunate title of ‘pretty boy’.
In a group of beautiful men and boys that literally sent women swooning, no matter what world they were in, he’d somehow been labeled the “pretty” one. Never mind he was more mature looking than half of their number. Never mind that Legend and Hyrule looked like a pair of porcelain dolls hand painted by a master artist. Never mind that Wild literally had half of his world falling heels over head for him. No matter how many women in the War of Ages had gushed about the adult Hero of Time (much to Mask’s annoyance). And sure, let’s just forget that Wars had heard not one, but two princess’s complimenting Twilight’s ass.
Yeah, okay, he was the pretty boy, sure.
Maybe that was because he was the only one in the group that actually had any understanding of a little thing called personal hygiene! Honestly! Had no one introduced the vet to a bathtub when he was younger? Or Wild to a hairbrush? And Hyrule... oh Hyrule...
Honestly, it was a pain, trying to not say something to his brothers that might be taken as rude or offensive. At least his own two boys were a bit better. During the war he’d pounded some sense into their heads after scrubbing their ears clean enough that they could actually hear him when he spoke, and Time and Wind both showed some (although not much more than the others) level of personal grooming, even if it was the basic wash and brush that Wars had required of all of his soldiers.
The others though? He had been beginning to think they might be hopeless, but then he’d had a chance to do something about it.
“Wars?”
“Hmm?” Bright blue darted up from the journal Warriors had been writing in, meeting Wind’s pout with a soft chuckle at his baby-faced brother. One day, Wind would be as grizzled and scruffy as his grandfather (would be his grandfather) but for now he would take him time teasing the kid for his baby-face. After all, it wasn’t like he’d be getting another chance to get revenge on the man who’d teased him up to his wedding day for his “lack of masculine charm”.
“My hair is knotted. In the back.” Wind didn’t even bother waiting for a signal, instead just plopping down in the captain's lap and dropping a brush by his knee. And really, with how the war had gone, Warriors should have expected that.
Any injury that impeded movement meant Wars was helping his two boys with whatever was needed during the war, and near the top of that list had been brushing hair. Broken arm or sprained wrist or whatever Hyrule had diagnosed it as (he’d been a bit too wrapped up in helping hold Wild still so he and Legend could treat the kid’s crushed hand to hear the healer’s final word), he was always happy to help the younger hero sort out his problems.
At least Wind let him help, instead of sending him scandalized looks and rude signs at the mere mention of a bath, like Legend did, or simply darting away like Hyrule.
“Wind,” Sky frowned slightly. “You didn’t have to disturb Wars, any of us would have been willing to help.”
The sailor cocked a brow, leaning back into his touch as he worked over the knot with nimble fingers well accustomed to working through tangled golden curls. “Says the Hero of Eternal Bedhead.”
Crystal blue eyes darted up to messy bangs. “Is it really that bad?”
“Yes.” Sailor and captain deadpanned together, matching grins on their faces as they stared at the Skyloftian.
“Oh feathers.” Sky huffed, running his hands through his hair and looking at the two expectantly. “Is that better?”
Wind snorted. “Sky, you need a hairbrush for your bird’s nest.”
“But,” Sky cocked his head like a confused puppy. “I don’t have a bird’s nest?”
“He means that your hair is a mess.” He chuckled, pausing in his work to pat the ground at his side. “Here, I’ll do you next, ‘kay?” And bless Sky for being a patient and reasonable person, because at the very least the Skyloftian just sauntered over easily and sat hot-cross-buns on the ground beside him, watching lazily as he worked at the sailor’s messy hair.
“It’s not that bad,” The Sailor huffed. “You can’t honestly be taking this long.” The kid wasn’t fooling him though, Wind was leaning into the touch, almost slumped against his chest in a boneless pile of teenager.
“You’re dry as a desert.” He scolded softly in response, rubbing some of the bristly hair between his fingers. “I’ve told you salt water dries your hair out, you need to take care of it or it’ll never grow out properly.”
Wind shifted awkwardly. “I didn’t have time. I did try, I mean it! It just... We’re always so busy and...”
His hands were already reaching for his pack. “You’re lucky mine dries out too. I’ll need to get more in the next town, but I think this oil can last us both long enough to get you some again.”
“Oil?” Sky frowned thoughtfully. “What for?”
“Split ends and dry hair.” Came the practiced answer as he rubbed the substance in question over his hands and began to card it through the sailor’s parched curls. “I suppose you could say it’s like with birds. They have to oil their feathers to stay healthy, right?”
“Oh! Okay, yeah, that makes sense.” The Skyloftian mulled over the concept for a moment. “We need to do that to our hair?”
Long fingers stopped mid stroke, royal blue blinking slowly in the clueless sky child’s direction. “Oh, you poor, clueless bird-boy you, your hair must be parched!”
Wind’s giggles shook them both, but Sky simply looked hurt. “I try. How was I supposed to know?”
Fingers slick with hair oil curled to point at the other hero. “I am massaging this stuff into your thirsty scalp right now. Wind, move.”
The sailor tumbled, giggling from Wars’ lap, leaving Sky to stare down at the captain’s crossed legs. “I’m- Warriors I am not sitting in your lap.”
“I don’t expect you to.” Brush in one hand and bottle of hair oil in the other, Warriors moved to stand behind the Skyloftain. “Just stay right there and let me work, and I swear if someone else tells me to my face that they’re not taking care of themselves- Sky! Look at this!”
The Skyloftian shifted, trying to look for only a moment before huffing. “Warriors, I can’t see the top of my own-”
“When’s the last time you trimmed this?” Brittle tips crinkled under his fingers as he stared at the mess that was Sky’s hair. “Your split ends are horrible!”
“Crimson usually trims it for me.” Came the softly mumbled response, and Wars had to hold back an affronted squawk at the words.
“You’re entrusting the care of your hair to a bird? Sky, my lovely, my dear friend, my brother, what the actual Ladies?”
“He does a good job!”
“If you call this rat’s nest a good job! Honestly, it’s no wonder Legend finally agreed to let you cuddle him, he must feel right at home with this mess!”
“Ouch.” Sky huffed, crossing his arms loosely and pouting.
“That aside,” He began working the first knot out, fluffing Sky’s hair lightly in his fingers. “It’s a good color, nice volume too. Have you ever considered growing it out? Without the split ends?”
“Huh?”
Caramel hair parted easily in his hands, springy and soft despite the brittle ends. “You’d look fetching with long hair, Chosen One. My, imagine what Sun would say if she saw you!” Sky stiffened as the soldier ducked down, voice lowering and eyes glinting with mischief as he whispered in his friend’s ear. “If she wasn’t already swooning at seeing you again, she’d be dizzy at the sheer beauty.”
“Wars!” Long ears twitched, tellingly red as the Skyloftian battled a fierce blush.
But the captain was already lost in his rant, taking pleasure in making Wind continue to giggle as Sky whined softly in protest at his teasing. “I can see it now! You arrive fresh out of battle, sword in hand and hair whipping in the wind, cape swirling like the wings of the goddess herself! She sees you. Your eyes meet. You shoot her one of your dashing smiles and she stumbles back, breathless, and you have to dart forwards to catch her before she swoons away altogether, so bedazzled she is by your handsome visage!” He flourished with a smile, letting oiled locks fall over Sky’s eyes with a laugh as the Skyloftian blushed brighter, not bothering to shift his bangs and instead hiding behind them, trying and failing to hide a pleased smile.
Wind didn’t stop giggling until Sky had had to punch the captain in the leg to make him finally cease the teasing.
“Smithy,” Twilight’s laughter rung through camp as he brushed long bangs out of the smithy’s eyes, the younger hero still smushed against the rancher's side sleepily, headband askew and half hanging in his eyes. The boy’s hair curtained his face, falling back into place the moment Twilight lifted his hand again, producing rumbling laughter form the farm-hand. “Four, you- when in Ordonia’s name did you last trim your hair?”
“’s not that long.” Came the murmured reply as Four pressed his face further into Twilight’s side, nestling closer with an irritable huff. “Leave ‘lone, Twi.”
The smithy might have denied it but... his hair really had grown out.
It wasn’t really that apparent with the headband keeping it back, and Four was decent enough at keeping his hair out of his face. But headbands, no matter how trusty, didn’t stay up forever, and when one was as active as a Hero of Courage, it wasn’t uncommon to find one’s self with their hair swinging loose in battle. Not that most of them minded, Wild kept his hair tied carefully and Legend tucked all of his under a hat, meanwhile the others all had shorter locks that, other than the swishing of their bangs, mostly stayed out of their faces.
Four on the other hand...
Four’s headband had fallen loose into a mud puddle, and until he was able to clean it the smithy had been walking around like a sheepdog, bangs fluffing into his eyes and making the shortest hero huff in an annoyed manner as he kept swiping his bangs aside. Unfortunately, they weren’t long enough to tuck behind his ears, only to hang in his face and send him stumbling over and into all sorts of things with sharp yelps and soft swears as the hero closest to him would have to offer a hand or scoop up the small smithy again.
Wars didn’t say anything, but when Four finally approached him one evening, eyes flickering icy blue as he dashed his bangs out of the way and tugged at the scarf draped around the captain’s neck (the others’ favorite way of getting his attention he had found).
“Hey there, smithy, what’s up?”
“Cut them.” Four huffed, pushing the loose hair back again only to have them drift back over his glinting eyes, and then, as if an afterthought, he tacked on ‘Please?’.
Royal blue darted up to Sky, who smiled on the edge of the campfire, a knowing look in his eyes. “Did Sky tell you I could help?”
“No. I figured that out myself. He just... pushed me.”
Laughter bubbled up in his chest. “Ah.”
“So, can you help? Or do I need to wander around looking like a Mogma?” Sky could be heard muttering across the camp at that, and Four’s ears twitched as he huffed, clearly having taken offense at whatever had been said.
He nodded, a bit unsure why Four glared across the fire at Sky, but willing to help. Oh goddesses, was he willing to help; Four’s hair bugged him nearly as much as Wild’s did, and he had been dying to fix it for the smithy. He wasn’t sure what Sky had said, but he was thankful for the other knight’s willingness to aid him in his battle against poor hygiene, and if he could turn another hero with the power of a good haircut, well! “Anything you have in mind? Just what you had before, or...?”
“Bangs.” Four dropped down hot-cross-buns, just like Sky had the other day, in front of him, arms crossed and expectant as he huffed at his long bangs.
“Right.” His brush and scissors were already sitting at the ready as he reached out to gently push the hair out of his friend’s eyes. “You good?”
“Annoyed.” Four sulked. “I can’t see anything and Twilight has been called me a sheep-dog.” Accurate. “I just want my hair short again, but the last time I cut it, it looked like I was attacked by a cat.” The smithy shivered, clutching at his sleeves as he shook his head, hair falling back into his eyes as he did so. “I just let it grow after that, but the bangs bother me if I can’t push them back.”
“Noted.”
Four’s hair was a bit silkier than the others’, but similarly brittle, although that was likely due to the heat of the forge rather than sea salt and extended time in the sky. He didn’t even bother asking about oiling the locks as he worked, brushing out all of Four’s hair with care and sectioning out the bangs with the same amount of agonizing detail Legend put into his paintings or Wild put into his cooking.
“Hair cut?” Twilight called from across camp.
“You could use one too,” Four huffed, unmoving save for his eyes darted to glance over his shoulder. “Your hair is beginning to look like wolf ears, rancher. Wolfie might take offense that you’re stealing his look and come maul you.”
Chuckles sounded around the camp, Legend wheezing lightly while Time and Wild shared a look. Wars didn’t know what that was about, but he smiled as he worked, humming lightly under his breath as he clipped a bit here and a touch there, releasing the hair to stare at it, adjusting it a bit, taking another section in hand and snipping it, and repeating the whole process.
Four was still as a statue the whole time, occasionally humming along to whatever tune happened to be on Warriors’ mind at the moment, but otherwise as poised and picturesque as a statue as the captain worked over the smithy’s blond locks.
This close up, Warriors was beginning to wonder why they never met any lovely admirers of the smithy, Four was certainly not lacking in the looks department, and had the kid lived in his time he’d find himself having to beat off girls with a stick. Honestly, how was he the pretty boy here?
“Nearly done?” Came the patient hum, and he snapped himself back to reality as he brushed Four’s bangs back into place, trimmed and tidy, along with the rest of his short hair.
“Yep.” The scissors finally came to rest in his lap as he whisked away the cloak that he’d used to catch the trimmed hairs. “My, my, smithy, you almost look as if you were going courting! Legend, lend a man your shield for a tick, would you? Four needs to see his new cut.”
The veteran rolled his eyes, but the shield was offered readily enough when Four trotted his way over, and while the smithy looked a bit surprised that Wars had bothered to braid most of his hair out of the way during the cut, he didn’t look at all displeased.
Wars counted that as a win.
He’d run out of oil a few days ago, and already his hair was beginning to frizz in this thrice-forsaken heat.
Being born with curly hair was nothing of the blessing his mother had made it out to be, no matter how she liked playing with her ‘baby boy’s’ hair. Of course, his beloved liked it too, but he was going to chalk that up to being a woman thing, curls were a pain if they weren’t on kids, especially if they were eon him.
Thank Hylia that Lilith had taught him to straighten it all out, he would have been driven half out of his mind if he hadn’t been able to control it on his way through basic, and the teasing would have been so much worse than it actually had been.
As was, the captain was only too happy when they next came to his Castletown, and after he’d made sure the others were settled in the castle with his cousin, he’d gracefully made his exit and headed out to the town. Getting through the streets was a pain, his armor and scarf giving him away as the hero and practically inviting the whole market to start competing for his attention, along with the hundreds of shoppers who surged close with questions and thanks and admiration. Not for the first time, Warriors found himself thankful that he handled crowds better than many of his fellow soldiers, and even if all the attention was a bit much, he wasn’t overwhelmed like poor Wild would have been.
Oh heavens, the day they finally figured out how to explain the portals and heroes nonsense to the public to excuse the sudden aging of the Hyrulian Hero’s child, Wild was likely going to have to start wearing a hood or something when they went into town.
The dye shop was a way into the market, and it had taken quite the bit of fancy footwork to avoid stepping on anyone as he’d answered questions and received thanks from the enthusiastic, if not slightly push, people of Hyrule. If he closed the door of the shop after him with a sigh of relief though, that was between him and Gyssel, the shopkeeper.
“Back again, Link? Same materials as the last time?”
“If you please.” He nodded with a smile. “Though I might have a bit of a glance around, I’ve a friend in need of a few things.”
The old woman nodded with a chuckle. “Right then. Oh, and if you see those two lovely gents who popped in here earlier, would you be willing to lend ‘em a hand? Poor dears looked lost as two minish in a fairy pond when they stumbled in here, but I’ve been batting a thousand with the customers all day and haven’t had a chance to pop over and offer help. You know the shop same as I do, so, if you have a moment, could you check in on them while I wrap your things?”
“Of course.” He nodded, smiling his best as he moved towards the back wall.
The other voices in the shop were mostly those of tittering ladies and mischief making pranksters, all too young and too high to belong to the ‘lovely gents’ that Gyssel had been speaking of, and it wasn’t hard to trail the rumble of a man’s voice to the back of the store where the hair dyes were. He grinned as he rounded the corner, but froze when he found himself face to face with a startled, and maybe somewhat abashed rancher.
“Twilight?”
“Warriors?”
“Shit, Wars is here?”
Royal blue darted down to meet the snapping violet of the veteran. “Legend? What are the two of you doing in here of all places? Are you lost?”
“No.” Legend huffed, foot tapping agitatedly at the floor as he gnawed his bottom lip, a sure sign of awkwardness if one knew the vet.
“What are you doing- oh.” Twilight’s face faded from confusion to understanding. “You’re the city boy, of course you shop in joints like this.”
He cocked a brow, hands coming to rest on his hips as he stared down the two other heroes. “Says the guy who’s been wandering around looking for something long enough the owners worried. Honestly, what could the two of you even need?”
Midnight and violet glanced warily at each other, and to his surprise, twin flushed lighted his friend’s faces as Legend had crossed his arms and Twi had rubbed at his neck.
“Hair dye.” The rancher admitted softly.
“And shampoo.” Legend had tacked on.
Warriors let his eyes blow wide an overdramatic gasp sounding in the small corner of the shop as he rested a hand on his collar. “Why, vet, you don’t mean to tell me you’re planning on actually taking a bath, are you! My heavens, what next? Will Hyrule somehow produce a wedding cake in time for Time and Malon to announce they’re having a baby?”
“They’re what!?!” Twilight yelped, sounding, ridiculously, like a dog that has just been kicked.
“I’m teasing, rancher.” He chortled. “Trust me, if Time knew of such a thing, he wouldn’t have shut up about it. Miss Malon’s still trim and terrifying as last we saw her; I have little doubt.” At the rancher’s breath of relief, he shook his head. “Honestly though, soap? Vet, last I checked-”
“It’s hot.” Legend interrupted, avoiding meeting his gaze by rolling his eyes.
“And?”
“And in case you didn’t know, our resident vet is a-”
“Don’t say it!” Legend huffed, glaring at Twilight and tugging his blue cap tighter over his head.
Come to think of it, Legend hadn’t taken the baby-blue cap off in ages...
“Is a what?”
Twilight looked down warily at the seething veteran, face twisted up between a playful grin and a wary frown, as if he didn’t yet know whether he wanted to tease and face the vet’s wrath or hold his tongue and avoid making a scene.
“Look,” Warriors sighed, glancing between the two country boys with a sigh. “I won’t tease at all, alright? But the sooner you own up to whatever nonsense you did to yourself, the sooner we can find you what you need and get ourselves out of here.”
The flush on Legend’s face darkened, eyes darting down as the vet shuffled his feet, and Wars found himself being reminded that for all the vet’s snark and sass, he really was as much of a kid as Wild and Wind were, just more accustomed at having to act otherwise.
Thin fingers rubbed at the rings on the vet’s pale hands. “Well, you see- that is- augh!”
Something inside him blossomed with warmth, a smile stretching across his face. Golden Three, Legend really was just an awkward teenager, wasn’t he? He even stumbled over his words when he was embarrassed, just like Time used to. Of course, Time had been twelve and Legend was nineteen, but that was beside the point.
“So-” The vet was nearly pouting as he struggled with his words, fingers rubbing steadily at his rings as he avoided Wars’ gaze. “You know how Ravio has curly hair?”
“Yes.”
“And you know how Ravio and I are- uh, each other's- reflect-”
A laugh bubbled out of his throat unexpectedly as he reached out to ruffle what could be seen of the vet’s frizzy bangs. “You’re a curly top! Why didn’t you say sooner?” Legend glared at him with a huff, but violet didn’t shift to indigo, so he knew it was all just an act. “Wind and I are too, I was actually in here to get some things for the two of us, and Sky too. I can help you as well if you don’t mind, just let me-” He motioned to the blue cap that was pulled snig down to Legend’s ears.
The vet huffed, but reached up to finger the blue fabric. “You won’t laugh, right?” Stern eyes met his own.
“Of course.” He smiled reassuringly.
Legend’s gaze searched his face for a moment, wary, but open, and even if it made him uncomfortable (the odd glint of gold at the edges of the vet’s eyes was a bit unsettling) he withstood it until Legend nodded, seemingly to himself, and pulled off his cap.
Pink curls spilled down to the vet’s shoulders as a bright blush colored pale cheeks. Twilight didn’t make it any better by reaching over to ruffle the vet’s head, chuckling soft and warm and surprisingly fond as Legend hissed back at him.
“Can I- that is- do you mind if I touch? I can help you find what you want better if I know what you need.”
A stiff nod.
The pink hair was just like fairy-floss, but less sticky (still dirty though) and he had to remind himself what he was doing once he got his fingers in it. A quick check at the texture and ends of Legend’s hair, as long as a quick check of the scalp and roots told him all he needed.
“Whatever dye you used to do this messed you up, vet. Honestly, I don’t know what you were thinking, but you’re dry as a mulduga’s arse. Did you bleach your hair before dying it or something?” There was a murmur in reply, but not anything he could really make out. “I’m sorry, what?”
“I said that’s me natural color.” Legend huffed, tensing under his hands. “I bleached it blonde a few months back, but no, I didn’t dye this shit, it just happened.”
Twilight, very unhelpfully, giggled.
Warriors blinked. “You have pink hair?”
“Yes.”
He fought the chuckle that built up in his chest, but it did little good as he ruffles the frizzy curls and let Legend replace his hat. “Alright then! Well, I’d avoid bleaching again if I was you. The pinks out and it’s healthier if you give it a rest between dyes. I have to admit though,” He settled his hands on his hips and looked between the two other heroes with a smirk. “I never took either of you two as the sort to dye your hair.”
“Throws off the guards.” Legend huffed, tugging his cap back over his hair and making Warriors wince. Ah yes, Legend’s Hyrule’s guards.
“Fair enough. I can find you something to help with the drying out and dye damage. Twi though...” He frowned, stroking his chin in thought. “Why do you even need hair dye? Trying something new?”
Now it was the rancher’s turn to look embarrassed, rubbing at his neck and ruffling his hair. “No, actually. I jist need- rather- want? I guess? I-”
Legend huffed, patting the rancher’s arm in a rare show of compassion. “He’s been greying early and it’s making him self-conscious. I told him we could look for a dye to hide it, since he didn’t want to go about stealing Time’s position as the resident Old Man.”
Oh. Well, that made sense. “Right! Fair enough. So, you want your natural shade, yes?” At the rancher's nod he pressed on, clapping his hands as he listed what they needed. “So, hair oil, some dye, and shampoo for Legend, preferably meant for damaged and curly hair. Anything else?”
Even though the two shook their heads, they all walked out with a bit more than what Warriors had listed, but despite the fact that Legend complained about it all, no one seemed to mind too much when he pulled the three of them together after the others had gone to bed and helped show them had to use the various toiletries without making too very much of a mess. It cost a pretty penny to get them all sorted, but Legend was clean, Twilight was a brunette again (the silver streaks were rather fetching though, and he’d made sure to make sure Twilight knew that before they dyed it all away) and Wind and Sky had what they needed to prevent their hair drying out again.
And even if it made a sizable dent in his wallet, he’d refused to be paid back. It was worth it anyway, since now he and Legend both had straight hair again (and the vet had actually washed!).
He could see now why Wild and Hyrule liked playing with their respective mentors’ hair though, it was almost addictive.
Time took one look at the three youngest and groaned, and Warriors almost echoed the action.
“What were you three even doing?” His now-eldest huffed, pinching the bridge of his nose with a heavy sigh as he tried not to look at the three teens, all of which were covered in mud and grass stains, and only looking slightly remorseful, despite their horrid clothing and scraped faces.
Had it been anyone but Wild and Wind, Wars would have sat back and watched as karma paid her long overdue visit to the mischievous mask-loving hero, but since it was his kids that caught up in paying back the silver in his own hair, Wars had to stand with Time and try his very hardest not to chuckle at the sight before him.
It took no trouble at all to picture Mask sitting, unrepentant, amid the other youngsters, a challenging look on his face as he dared the captain to even try and ground him for running off again.
“We were exploring.” Hyrule grinned sheepishly, rubbing at the mud that had dried on the side of his neck. “We um-”
“We fell in a swamp.” Wild snorted, wrinkling his nose and shaking some gunk from his hands with a pout. “Even I think we stink.”
Time’s lips twitched, brows struggling to remain in a scowl as he answered, voice wavering with a hint of laughter that made Wars smile to himself. “Is that so, Cub?”
“We smell like boko guts.”
“Or boko crap!” Wind cackled, the only one not soaked in swamp goo but instead spattered with ordinary mud that came from likely tripping and falling in the dirt from laughing too hard.
“Bathe.” Time chuffed, shaking his head fondly. “All three of you. Rivers there and I’m sure Wars has soap aplenty to help.” Hang on, what? Time’s eye met his own, blinking- winking? with a bright and shit eating grin. “Have fun with you sons, dad.”
Oh Ladies, Karma messed up again, didn’t she?
“Mask, I swear-” He growled, glaring at his- was Time his eldest now? His middle child still? The youngest since he’d been the last to join the family?
“Don’t, you’ll set a bad example.” The overgrown forest gremlin chuckled, walking away with a condescending pat of the shoulder.
Some things really never changed, huh?
“Right then.” the captain turned to glare stillness back into the three youngsters, two of which were already trying to sneak away, and the third- of thank Hylia for Wind, the kid was standing at perfect attention with a smirk on his face that screamed ‘I’m the eldest and I’m about to watch my little brothers get scolded and I’m going to enjoy every second of it’, snotty little salt-bathed brat. “Jump in or I punt you.”
Hyrule and Wild exchanged a look, a sure sign of danger, and both sprinted in opposite directions.
He huffed a laugh. Amateurs. Mask and Wind had run him ragged during the war, but once you’ve fought to pre-teens on the daily, there's nothing a pair of teenagers can pull on you that will truly surprise you or throw you off. It was the work of moments to have Wild slung under one arm (wolf pups, honestly, Mask was the same way) and Hyrule by the back of his collar (Wind’s customary position).
“H-how?” Both boys stammered.
“Experience, mud moblins.”
“Do I weight anything to you?” Wild stammered, staring up at him with wide blue eyes.
The grin on his face was easier than usual in situations like these, but then again both teens had given up fighting against him sooner than the last two had ever done. “Hardly. You’ve always been a lightweight.” And with those words he promptly administered a light kick to Hyrule’s lower back, knocking the kid floundering into the stream, and following up with a well-practiced toss that send Wild rocketing in after.
Wind, already stripped down to his shorts and standing waist deep in the water, raised his hands with a shit eating grin. “Six out of Ten, Wild.” The little sea monster called to a spluttering Wild as the kid surfaced, only his face peeking above the surface as he treaded water with a pout. “You need to work on your form, but otherwise- ack!”
A wave splashed up from Hyrule’s direction and Wild sent an appreciative grin the other boy’s way while Wind’s grin melted into a playful one, eyes glinting dangerously.
“Oh, that’s it! You’re just asking for trouble now! Never start a water battle with a pirate, you two, you won’t like how it ends!”
Another, mischief filled, glance was exchanged and both feral heroes descended on the young sailor. It was like watching cucco’s descend on a bokoblin, and Warriors watched with laughter bubbling in his chest as he stripped off his gunk-stained tunic, courtesy of the mud-covered boys he’d wisely decided to pick up, and moved on to his chainmail. The sound of the three youngest heroes' shrieking and shouting sweet music to his ears as Time and the other older heroes made camp just off of the riverbank, teasing each other and generally messing around.
“Wars, why are you- are you joining us?” Wild cocked his dripping head with a curious look as he watched him.
The undershirt slipped off easily as he waded into the stream’s center. “Of course, you two got me muddy too after all, and it’s not like I trust y’all to actually clean up by-” At the slowly spreading grins on the faces of the three, the captain realizes his mistake. “I don’t trust you all to clean up properly, so I’m-”
“Warriors said ‘y’all’!” Wind chortled, eyes glinting madly as a grin stretched over his face. “Oh boy! Just wait ‘till I-”
“Slip of the tongue.” He clipped back, hands settling on his hips as he stared down the three teens. “You tell Twilight about this and I will personally wash your mouth out with soap.”
“You’re the one who said it!” Hyrule pointed out.
“And whoever tells the rancher is committing a verbal atrocity that will only lead to far more in the future.” He huffed. “No one tells, you hear me?”
Wild looked between the others, brows furrowed and lips pursed as he took in Wind’s triumphant grin and Warriors’ scowl. “What’s wrong with saying ‘y’all’?”
The captain staggered back dramatically, hand on his chest and a horrified expression on his face as he stared at his son. “No! Never say that word! That word is an abomination!”
“What word?” Hyrule cocked his head, eyes glinting knowingly, but the captain failed to recognize it in time.
“’Y’all’!” He spat with contempt. “We do not say ‘y’all’ in this house! ‘Y’all’ is a cursed word and the next person who says it is-” - ‘Is on Mask watching duty’ was his go to consequence, but that wouldn’t exactly work right now; Time was a bit old to actually need a supervisor- “is on clothes washing duty with Legend.” He settled on at last, choosing the chore that everyone except, surprisingly, the veteran minded.
“Say the man who just said it four times in a row.” Wind teased, darting out of his grasp with a wide grin.
“Wind! I was trying to see how many times I could make him say it!” Hyrule huffed, pouting at his brother adorably.
“I still don’t get it.” Wild grumbled. “It’s a word? There’s nothing wrong with it as far as I know, ‘y’a-” The captain’s hand was clamped around the kid’s mouth before he could finish his sentence.
“Let's just not.” Warriors huffed; he was beginning to mourn Twilight’s mentor position at the moment. Fortunately, Wild was willing enough to still in is hands and not push the topic, unlike the other two who just egged each other on with ever widening grins. “Right.” He rolled his eyes. “First one with a clean face gets the strawberry scented soap; go.”
Silence fell as nothing save splashing rang over the stream as faces ducked beneath the water, all three boys falling for his favorite trick of all time. Heck, even the old man would probably still cave to the offer of strawberry soap, even now that he was an adult, and Wars couldn’t blame him at all; strawberry scented bubbles were the best bubbles and Twilight and his goat-milk soap could go sniff a skunk if they wanted to contest that.
It took hardly any time at all for all three to emerge, fresh faces and glowing, three sets of eyes al sparkling up at him as a warm chuckle blossomed in his throat. Naturally, he gave the promised soap to all three, citing the ‘I can’t tell who finished first so you all win’ excuse that Grandfather had taught him ages ago.
Wind dutifully set about scrubbing himself clean, and in the meantime, he guided the less experienced duo. “Take so much,” He dolloped a generous potion into Hyrule’s cupped hands. “And rub your hands together, yes, just like that, work it up to a nice lather and just scrub it all over. Take care you get the smelliest bits first so you don’t run out of soap before you get there, yeah?” Both forest children nodded, dutifully following his instructions as he moved to help scrub the traveler’s sopping curls.
It was an easy pattern to fall into, scrubbing the two heads with especial care to remove any sticks and twigs he found along the way. Hyrule was the easier of the two, but Wild held still better while he worked, almost melting under his fingers as he messaged suds into his son’s long locks, a light smile playing over both their faces as he worked, content to sit in the cooling water of the stream as the sun began to set, hands buried in his kid’s long hair as he worked out mud and filth and who knows what else.
Rinsing the sweet-scented bubbles started out innocently enough, but Wars was given a front row seat to watching an accidental splash descend into a full-on war on the water as he scrubbed his own hair clean, and well, if he joined in once he was finished, well, someone had to show Wind that he wasn’t the only hero with some experience on the water.
Wars sighed as he watched Time stirring quietly on his bedroll.
Honestly, his middle kid (he’d finally settled on letting Wind retain his position on oldest, since there was no way Time could be the eldest brother with his gremlin behavior) was something of an idiot. Oh, he loved all three of his boys dearly, but Time was an ass and everyone who knew him well knew it (except maybe Twilight, but that guy was an ass too).
Time hadn’t been sleeping recently, and it was easy to see in the dark bags around his eyes and the almost drifting expression on his face at nights. It was for lack of trying either, the kid- man? - the hero would settle down on his bedroll every night same as the others, but even with sharp eyes shut tight and blanket pulled to his ears, the ‘Old Man’ couldn’t lie still for more than thirty minutes, constantly shifting and fidgeting on his bedroll even as the other heroes steadily dropped off to sleep.
It was just the two of them now, the captain on watch and their leader trying to pretend he was asleep with a scowl on his face.
He was scratching again.
“Alright, that’s enough of that.” war clapped his hands against his knees and pushed himself p, staling over to stand over the largest of the bedrolls and staring down at the lump within. “What’s up, Sprout? You normally snore like a hinox all night long, what’s eating you?”
A single blue eye stared up at him wearily. “If I knew, I would have killed it by now.”
Oof, bad night then. “Do you have any idea what it could be?” He was already settling down next to the group leader’s head, hands reaching to grasp Time’s own and bring them down from where he was, likely unconsciously, clawing at the sides of his face.
“No.” Came the frustrated huff.
“Missing Miss Malon?” He suggested, running his fingers through short blonde hair thoughtfully, mind miles away in a two-story house at castle town as he fell into the all too familiar trap of playing with one of his boys’ hair.
“I thought so at first, and while I do, it doesn’t usually stop me from sleeping.” Time grumbled, staring up at the night sky with pursed lips. “It’s not nightmares or visions either, if anything my dreams have been normal for once.”
“Anxiety perhaps? Are you worrying about the others? Twilight, maybe? Wild?” At the questioning glance he received he shrugged. “Kept me up enough nights, even if you two were there. A bad thing happens once and you're not likely to forget it.”
“Hmm.” Time hummed, leaning unconsciously into his hands and settling on his bed-roll, shoulders falling lax as his single good eyes fluttered softly. “Maybe.”
Whatever it was, it wasn’t bad enough that War’s fingers didn’t put it to rest, and time was asleep in mere minutes, soft snores rumbling over the camp as the captain continued his ministrations, eyes and ears sharp and alert for any disturbance near in within the camp, but body relaxed as he kept the steady rhythm of his fingers through short and silky hair.
When his watch was over though, and it was time to wake the veteran to take his, Wars found himself stuck. Time's fingers were curled tightly in his blue scarf, the man’s head resting easy against his thigh, and any motion small of subtle, would likely send majestic blue fluttering open again with an exhausted air.
Ah well, time to be creative.
Legend grumbled, as usual, at being woken by having his feet touched, and the captain echoed his discomfort as he wrings is sore and likely sprained hand. Time was still asleep though, so there was that at least. Now just to figure out how best to position himself so he could sleep.
Soldier’s experience won over logic, and Wars was asleep in seconds, leaving the camp under Legend’s watch and Time snoozing blissfully at his side.
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clocks-are-round · 3 years ago
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screw saving omega headcanons for whenever i am able to get back to my Three Months O’Malley fic.
- omega is deeply lonely. he is shown to talk a lot. there is no discernible reason he could not live in a machine (robot, vehicle, etc) yet he chooses to inhabit people (that he is shown to be able to converse with even internally). omega and tex were kept separate from the other freelancers and fragments (with the exception of omega helping gamma and sigma with creating more fragments). he was formed from rage, likely isolated because of that, and only ever really talked to 3 people that could maybe be considered friends— then sigma starts forming fragment voltron, gamma peaces out without a word, and tex decides at some point while they’re alone together that omega should be destroyed. lonely, trust issues, i rest my case.
- omega wanted to kill the director but changed his story to the lofty fantasy of universe domination. several potential reasons for this; could be any or all. he knew or suspected blood gulch might be monitored and didn’t want to let his plan slip. because he was fucking terrified of failing; rooming with tex may have helped in psyching him out. he never felt like he had enough resources to succeed. it could also have to do with painting someone in a strong light (whether negative or positive) puts them on a pedestal and can make them seem even more unreachable. at least part of him deep down was afraid of succeeding. he pinned all his rage as the fault of one person (which, yeah, 100% was). if he’s gone, then what? what purpose would he have left? (all right that’s enough existentialism until the fic •<•)
- the “evil” thing is a persona bc he’s extra AF (think chuunibyou or megamind vibes) as well as an excuse to do whatever he damn well pleases
- it was actively uncomfortable for omega to be hiding in caboose for those three months and it was terrible for his mental health… which is why he took it out on caboose (explanations not excuses, omega is a fucking bastard for fucking up caboose’s brain). imagine repressing your feelings as much as possible for three months— except you’re an ai so that might as well be decades or centuries— and not being able to indulge in your favorite activities (violence, explosions, malicious cackling) because it would give you away. he definitely went stir crazy in there.
- omega liked doc’s company. they got on each other’s nerves and omega made excuses for why he stuck with him for so long, but they kept each other company. in a way, they needed each other. not gonna pretend it was healthy sunshine and rainbows, omega was still a parasite, but i like to think omega cared about doc to at least some small degree
- the low hanging fruit of abusee becomes abuser as a way of feeling in control, perpetuating the cycle of abuse yadda yadda
am i reading too much into this bastard? possibly, but it’s done out of love. he is a fantastic and entertaining antagonist and i love to speculate what makes him tick. i’ve got a lot written for the fic so far so i’m looking forward to finalizing and posting more chapters.
my fic will return. a lot of my for fun things are on hiatus right now because of my school project, but i’ll be back in may!
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chocoholicannanymous · 3 years ago
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If the Spit Hits the Fan (Glee) Pt XVIII
This is the last part of this. Of a story that I was pretty certain I wouldn’t finish and just posted the bit I had in my scraps and snippets tag for a lark. You read that, and you liked it, and your response made me want to try and finish it. And so here we are, ~29k finished fic. 
Thank you for the support.
Follows pt I, pt II, pt III, pt IV, pt V, pt VI, pt VII, pt VIII, pt IX, pt X, pt XI, pt XII, pt XIII, pt XIV, pt XV, pt XVI and pt XVII.
New York is big and loud and filthy and expensive.
Kurt's first apartment had been an absolute rathole. He'd shared it with four others, and his “room” had been a repurposed coatroom. There had been just enough place for a bed and a tiny table instead of a desk. He'd only brought the most necessary in way of clothing, and with the exception of two shirts hanging from a nail in the wall he'd been forced to keep everything in a suitcase under the bed.
He'd moved out after a month, tired of never being able to keep food in the kitchen, weary of the nicks surrounding the lock on his door – he'd replaced the old one day 1, but even the best of locks only went so far – and fed up with having to carry all his valuables with him at all times.
Luckily the Warbler network had activated and Trent's older brother had offered up his guest room (and if that wasn't a sign of wealth, a student in New York with a guest room, then Kurt didn't know what was) for the rest of the year provided Kurt find someplace else to spend the night on those occasions it was needed. During the fall it'd mostly been solved by Sebastian coming to visit and the two sharing a cheap hotel room, and during the fall by Kurt spending the night at Sebastian's apartment. It had been tempting to move in with Sebastian then, but Kurt had resisted and they both agreed they'd become stronger for it.
Living together had been tough, especially since Sebastian had a lot more money available than Kurt. They'd managed to find a balance though and looking back Kurt feels proud of the work they'd put in to make it work. Three years (and counting) together and these days Kurt is willing to proclaim that Sebastian is as much of a perfect boyfriend as it's possible to be.
Yes, New York is still loud and filthy and big, but it's also full of light and laughter and love. Kurt's learned to find his way around both city and school, and he's on track for graduation with excellent prospects. Life is good.
Of course, that kind of means he's overdue for a cold shower and unfortunately it comes as cold and icy as is possible.
“Blaine. I guess I should have known you'd turn up.”
Like a bad penny, Kurt thinks. His ex-boyfriend just smiles wider at the words, clearly not picking up on the undertones.
“Yes! I'll always come back to you, Kurt. We're meant to be – you're my soulmate.”
Kurt shudders. All these years, and he still haven't gotten over his negative reaction to those words.
“Yeah, I'm pretty sure you and I have different interpretations of what those things mean. Personally I can't see how someone who walked out of my life without a word years ago could be considered my 'soulmate', but that's me.”
“That's not fair! I never wanted to leave you, but my parents made me.”
Blaine does this thing with his face that resembles what Kurt remembers of Blaine's “I've apologized, sort of, and you should forgive me now” expression and Kurt thinks that if Blaine could see himself he'd never ever do it again. It's not pretty. It kind of looks like he's about to shit his pants, frankly.
“Right. Your parents. And why, exactly, were they so determined to get you out of Lima without saying goodbye?”
Blaine flinches, and Kurt can see the realization hit him. Strange. It's as if he never even thought about the possibility that Kurt would know about the lies Blaine had told. Emotions run across Blaine's eyes and face, one after the other, and Kurt just waits without even trying to figure out what's going through his ex's mind. He's beyond caring.
“Kurt, I... I, I have a confession to make. When I got home that last night, my parents, they were waiting up for me. They made assumptions, and I, I let them.”
Blaine's face twists, and a couple of tears start falling. Kurt would be touched, really he would, except he happens to know that Blaine can cry on command.
“I know I shouldn't have, I know it was wrong, I was just so afraid! I thought they'd throw me out, and so I kept quiet and did what they wanted. I'm so sorry I did that to you.
“I love you, Kurt!”
The thing is, he can remember when those words from Blaine's lips would make him melt. That's no longer true. Now he listens to them like he would a performance, and he finds them lacking. He should have gone for soft instead of intense, a hint of tears maybe, not volume and anger.
This isn't school though, even though it very much is a performance, nor is it worth critiquing. It's not worth anything, really. Kurt sighs a little, just wanting all of it to be over and Blaine to be gone.
“Here's the thing. I understand, I guess. In your shoes I would have been worried to tell my dad the truth too. I think just about every teenager out there would be at least a little afraid to tell their parents they got drunk and stupid.
“But I also think that just about every teenager out there knows that there's some kind of middle-ground between 'I got drunk and tried to rape my boyfriend' and 'my boyfriend drugged me and tried to rape me'. Except apparently you didn't. You just went with what would get you of the hook the fastest and easiest.”
“Hey! That's not fair!”
“Oh, it isn't? You doing what you did is okay, but me calling it what it was is unfair? Now, why am I not the least bit surprised that that's how you feel?
“You know, at first I didn't understand how you could do it. How you could say you loved me and then not just leave me, but let your parents believe that I would do something like that to you. Well, that you could let anyone think I'd do that to anyone.
“But as I said, I understand why you did it.”
A triumphant look flash up in Blaine's eyes. Oh, he's doing a pretty good job at hiding it – much better than he would have been able to as a teenager – but Kurt knows him, and he's looking for it.
“You threw me under the bus because you knew it'd be an easy out. You could have told your parents something else, anything else, but you chose the worst possible lie – one you had to have known would get me in trouble. You did it because it was easy, and it would get you of the hook – maybe even get you some sympathy instead of the punishment you deserved – and you did it because that was all you cared about. You.
“I always knew you were a bit self-involved, but I told myself it was just part of you being a performer. A healthy ego's pretty much a must, and I used to think that was it. Except it turned out you were so focused on you, and your needs and wants, that nothing else mattered. Certainly not me.
“It took me a while to accept, but I know now that regardless of what you said you didn't love me. Not really. You might have thought you did, but Blaine? Love means that the other person's just as important to you as you yourself are. And I never was that to you.”
He ignores Blaine's protests and just continues, projecting his voice to be heard over the barely restrained excuses and lies.
“The truth is that your lack of empathy and care for other people borders on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and quite frankly I am better off for not having you remain in my life. Just don't expect me to thank you for it though.
“No one else will either. Do you realize how many people you worried with your little disappearing act? There was quite a few at Dalton who were convinced that your parents had shipped you off to conversion camp. They were counting down until your 18th birthday and from what I heard there was even the beginning of a fund to pay your way at Dalton if you escaped and were disowned.”
There's a triumphant gleam in Blaine's eyes. Clearly he's pleased about his friends being so worried about him and so ready to help him out. Kurt just wants to stomp that light out. Violently.
“Then when you didn't resurface after your birthday a few started worrying that your parents had you in a mental hospital, and there was talk of trying to stage some kind of rescue. That only lasted so long, of course.
“You see, somehow it's hard to convince anyone that their friend is practically jailed and in need of a rescue when they're seen out and about clubbing in L.A.. After all, these days everyone carries a phone, so the idea that you were unable to contact someone – anyone – and ask for help went up in flames pretty quick after that.”
Thad had been so angry that he'd made sure every single Dalton student that had ever know Blaine found out, and even the boy's most die-hard supporters had given up then and there.
They'd all understood not wanting to getting into a conflict with your family, especially when said family usually paid for college and any possible trust funds tended to be under the family's control for a while longer. What they hadn't understood was Blaine's total lack of communication. Email telling them that Blaine was okay but under orders not to contact anyone from Ohio would have gone a long way to ease worries, and was, they felt, the very least he owed them.
“Funny thing about you showing up here now? I can't help but remember that you turned 21 a couple of weeks ago. You didn't happen to get access to a trust fund then did you? Not that I actually care, but there are some old bets to settle.”
There wasn't, not really, but enough Warbler had warned Kurt about this very scenario with an added “I bet he shows up afterwards, thinking you'll take him back” for it to not quite be a lie.
Blaine splutters before launching into a long row of “explanations”, one more shitty than the other. It's obvious that he didn't expect Kurt to be angry with him, but instead to be welcomed with open arms. It's even sounding as if Blaine expected Kurt to take him back and just let him slide back into his life as if nothing had happened. Kurt isn't quite sure if Blaine intended for him to move in with Kurt and start a new life in New York, or if the idea was for Kurt to give up everything and follow Blaine back to L.A., but both options are equally ridiculous.
“Stop. Just, stop. I told you, I don't care. If you want to get in touch with any of your old friends from Dalton and McKinley and explain all of it to them, do so. But you don't need to explain anything to me. I don't want to hear it. Your window for explaining yourself to me closed years ago. It closed after you let your parents walk into a police station ready to have me charged with rape.
“Nothing you can say will ever make that okay. Nothing you say can make me forgive you.”
Kurt stops himself and takes a deep breath. There's so much he could say, so many accusations that could be made, so much hatred to be poured out.
Blaine's actions had gotten Kurt into trouble, and could have landed him in jails. They'd been what had stopped Burt Hummel from running from reelection after being asked – while nothing had come from the Andersons' accusations there had still been enough people who had known about it for it to leak and ruin a political career. After all, who cared if it was true when it made for a good weapon? And “local congressman buries son's rape charge” made for a great weapon.
Kurt had been willing to risk it, but his dad hadn't wanted to. Had it leaked the only way to prove Kurt's innocence would have been to make the video of Blaine trying to assault Kurt public. No good parent does that to their kid had been Burt's position, and Kurt had been grateful.
That didn't mean he wasn't aware of exactly how much that had cost not just his dad but the whole state. The man who'd replaced his dad had been the kind of bigot that wasn't good for anyone, not even his followers.
Kurt still blames Blaine for that, and even if he'd been insane enough to consider forgiving everything else he's never forgiving that. The chance of making Blaine understand any of that is minuscule though. The chance of him caring is even less.
There is, simply put, no point in spending even another second on trying to get through to him.
“You're not welcome here. Please leave. Goodbye Blaine.”
Once the door is closed and locked behind Blaine Kurt finally relaxes. He's closing the door on Blaine in more than one way, finally able to truly do that – because regardless of what he's hoped he's always known that one day his former boyfriend would pop up again.
“If he comes back you're filing for a restraining order.”
“He won't come back, Sebastian.”
“You don't know that. He did today, didn't he?”
It's obvious that Sebastian is coming from a place of care and worry, and Kurt feels himself soften. Blaine hasn't just been the monster under Kurt's bed during all of these years.
“Yes, he did, and no, I guess I can't really know. But honey, I really don't think he will. Blaine was reminded today that actions have consequences, and he found out I have the means to ensure said consequences. Coming after me and trying to change my mind is more work than he's ever shown himself willing to put in.
“After all, he's not the kind to stick around when the spit hits the fan.”
Luckily Sebastian is.
~ The end ~
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sigurdjarlson · 3 years ago
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Hey, I liked your Greg essay a lot. The common interpretation is that Greg is too transactional and is hanging there only for money/ambition but family- love- acceptance- approval are also so very important for him, And how even Tom plays with those chords. and I loved it how you put it.
I really want them to get into Greg's backstory more, we see him reacting to stuff around him and being used as Tom's foil but I want to see more of him as a character actively thinking/doing.
Do you think one can gain his absolute loyalty by offering those (love/acceptance etc.) ? How do you think Tom's relationship with Greg is shaped and will be shaped by Greg's emotional motivations ? Like I am tired of speculating that Greg will betray Tom, maybe it will be the other way round or something else altogether. If you have any thoughts, please please share. Love your analysis. <3
Thank you so much! This message made me so damn happy tbh :D like this genuinely made my day! I’m glad you enjoy my rambling
Hmm…Greg and loyalty is a tricky subject because we’ve never seen him show unconditional loyalty but It can be argued no one has earned it. (Tom coming closest but Tom has hurt Greg too)
I don’t think he’s incapable but I think it’s something that would be difficult for him to give to someone because of how he runs on self preservation and has to do so in this cutthroat environment.
He’s got a lot to lose and everyone is already stabbing each other in the back constantly.
If there is a possible way to earn his unconditional loyalty though? It would be through love or affection. I still marvel at how he gave up a quarter of a billion dollars just because Logan said he liked him.
That’s going directly against the Greg only cares about money narrative because while he does want money and power that’s not his only drive.
He wants to be liked and loved. He wants to be a part of a family or just connect with another person.
The problem is this world he’s found himself in doesn’t really allow for that in a genuine sense. First off the Roys are incapable of forming normal and healthy attachments to other people.
I think Tom is the closest he has though because Tom does love Greg. For all his flaws and how badly he’s treated him he does show Greg the most loyalty. More than we’ve seen anyone give to another person in this show.
And I think Greg is realizing that but there’s still parts of him telling him to be careful around Tom.
I think Greg eventually becomes attached to Tom because (1) they’re both on the outskirts of the family together (2) Tom is the only one who shows him any attention or genuine affection honestly even if he also treats him like shit sometimes
And that’s why he keeps coming back to Tom, I think.
If Tom wants Greg’s loyalty he needs to be more open about his affection for him, he needs to let them be on more equal standing and he needs to make Greg feel safe.
(I think it’s worth noting Greg doesn’t betray most people out of pure malicious intent. It’s practical usually, at least go him. It’s not related to his feelings for the person. He’s just looking out for his own interests because someone has to. He’s honestly quite good at compartmentalizing in a lot of ways, distancing himself from his decisions emotionally. Honestly, kind of like Gerri but less..well Gerri knows what she’s doing and is a boss. Greg has no idea what he’d doing most of the time I think)
But yeah I would be pretty disappointed if Greg ended up betraying Tom because we’ve seen Greg do that before. It’s nothing new. Same old song and dance.
They gotta at least put some kind of twist on it.
I also think Tom turning on Greg is not as impossible as a lot of people think it is either? if he feels Greg has wronged him severely enough he might. (Look at Shiv. I mean it took a lot to push him to this point but it might take less from Greg after going through all that with Shiv. Especially since he’s going to feel Greg owes him probably)
Or I could see Logan pitting them against one another the way he does his kids. I could see him purposefully making them doubt each other.
Logan loves his mind games.
What would be truly heartbreaking I think is if Tom perceived Greg’s actions in a situation as betrayal so he betrays him in turn..only for it to turn out that wasn’t what Greg was doing at all. It could be other way around too. Or maybe they’re both convinced the other is betraying them but they’re not.
The first one is my favorite though because I see an opportunity for them to actually let Greg show genuine loyalty to someone and….. to have it so cruelly punished over a misunderstanding and an inability to trust other human beings in this horrible environment? *chefs kiss* I would die.
Greg trusting Tom, finally letting himself be truly loyal to Tom only for Tom to fuck him over because he couldn’t trust another person enough? (And Tom does not trust Greg completely and that’s absolutely fair honestly but it’s why he doesn’t give Greg details. He knows Greg.)
But for him to actually let himself trust Tom completely? Only for Tom to be unable to do the same because this environment, Greg’s previous actions and his other relationships have damaged his ability to trust? Fucking ouch.
In my ideal scenario they both end up being only loyal to one another and they get to be horrible and gay together <3
But I’m not sure that’s a route they will take.
Although it is worth noting that Sporus stayed by Nero’s side until the end.
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flowerflamestars · 4 years ago
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Hey hey hey 😀 not sure if you've been getting my asks(could really be my WiFi too) or Tumblr has been up to no good again, but hey how was ACOSF? I gather from your updates and posts you're just disappointed by it. A lot of us are. Hope you've been doing well after reading Acosf 😅
Hey babe! I know I have at least one from you that I need to answer- entirely my bad, I’ve been going through my inbox in little chunks. Yall have been too lovely and the influx is great :)
Disappointment is very much the right word. 
The big thing- ignoring that Nesta as a character was meaningful, or that the baby plot line was big swing in every wrong way possible, the plotting is a MESS- is that I think the story resoundingly fails on both it’s goals.
It’s a recovery story, a healing story. And a romance.
BIG SPOILERS AHEAD
Nesta is stripped of her autonomy. And I want to be extremely clear on that- this is framed as an intervention and it is not an intervention. It is not, at any point, really about Nesta becoming healthy. It’s about control. Rhys says it, Feyre says it, Cassian says it: Nesta is a problem. Nesta affects their reputation. Nesta needs to be punished.
Morrigan, a fellow abuse/assault survivor, tells Cassian with absolute seriousness that they should just throw Nesta into the Court of Nightmares and leave her there. Because she’s just as bad.
WHAT
The entire structure is that Nesta needs to change- but it isn’t about her being safer, her finding her way- it’s about the fact that her being suicidally depressed makes her sister sad.
So yeah, Nesta gets stronger. Because one of her two-pronged punishments is army training with the man she once loved and has been trying to distance herself from for YEARS. Who proceeds to control what she wears, when she sleeps, WHAT SHE EATS. Who laughs, when she gets hurt. 
By the end of the story, the issue Nesta has confronted, from her laundry list of trauma is...that she’s bitchy to her sisters in instances of extreme distress/hardship. 
That she...blames herself for the death of her abusive, absent father, who in no way contributed to her life from the time of her mothers death into her adulthood until he showed up for...ten seconds in acowar, named a ship after her, and immediately died. Watching a parent die? traumatic as hell. Retconning an ENTIRE parent-child relationship to make a character have something more palatable to struggle with? Bad writing.
Rape hangs over Nesta like a cloud this whole novel, but she never talks about it. It never in any way comes up while her and Cassian are having rough sex on every available surface.
She never heals, and she never becomes comfortable as a faery. She gives up her power. 
Literally AND figuratively- Nesta is the same person at the end of the novel, but now she can punch really hard? has no magic, gave up a destiny the book STRONGLY IMPLIES was actually, really, always about Rhysand. All that changed is now she’s finally bent enough to play by the rules of the same people who condemned her for responding to the terrible things that happened it her...in ways exactly like they have and continue to do.
It makes me so sad, you know?
Which brings us to Cassian.
Who is supposed to be the emotionally intuitive one. The one who has survived so much, who understands trauma. Who more than that, understands Nesta, better than anyone else.
That is not the man in this book. 
He’ll make this earnest declarations that sound...almost right? and then ten seconds later he’s guilt-tripping her. Saying just, absolute bullshit to her. Sexualizing her in her lowest moments.
It’s not enemies to lovers- Cassian is ashamed of Nesta when the book begins. Takes active glee in physically punishing her when she’s having a breakdown 600 pages later, on what it supposed to be the great tipping point of their relationship.
At no point does this man seem to even LIKE Nesta. He wants to have sex with her. He want her to do what he wants and obey 1) him and 2) their High Lord and Lady. 
Nesta, who even toward the end of the book, as I said STILL IS NOT HEALING AT ALL, tells Cassian: “I don’t deserve you, and I never, ever will.”
Cassian’s response it to...kiss her?
Tell her: “You’re not going to marry Eris.” “There will be no one for else. For either of us.”
And then Nesta says yes, cries more, and they have sex again.
oh yeah, and then in the morning he runs off? To have a snowball fight? And then doesn’t speak to her or see her for three days.
I just. This dynamic never gets better. Proud, strong, intelligent, ferocious Nesta is always kind of like: will you look at me? you’re good and i am not. 
She’s not safe in this love. Not comfortable, not ever on even ground. The entire dynamic of this relationship has brought her low and keeps her there.
So like, in the end. They have this fight where Cassian fully starts yelling at her...in public...because she isn’t saying yes! we’re mates! I’m going to quote it here:
“I am your mate, for fucks sake!” Cassian shouted, loud enough for people across the river to hear. “You are my mate! Why are you still fighting it?”
She let the truth, voiced at last, wash over her.
“You promised me forever on Solstice,” he said, voice breaking, “Why is one word somehow throwing you off that?”
“Because with that one word, the last scrap of my humanity goes away!” She didn’t care who say them, who heard. “With that one stupid word, I am no longer human in any way. I’m one of you!”
He blinked. “I thought you wanted to be one of us.”
“I don’t know what I want. I didn’t have a choice.”
“Well, I didn’t have a choice in being shackled to you, either.”
GUYS. I hate this fight to unfathomable levels.
so yes, he immediately tries to recant it...but like, let’s follow the thread for a minute. They’re together, really together, ever since the stupid moment Nesta said she was trash and didn’t deserve Cassian and Cassian said...you and me! forever! let’s fuck about it!
I get that the matebond is a precious thing- but god, it could not be clearer Cassian just...doesn’t respect Nesta even a little bit? She won’t use the word, so he’s yelling at her.
a page before: “That word means nothing to me, Cassian,” she said, voice thick as she tried to keep people who strode past from overhearing. “It means something to all of you, but for most of my life husband and wife was as good as it got. Mate is just a word.”
BECAUSE SHE WAS HUMAN. Because, very validly... Nesta has been fae for, two years? Her baseline is human, that’s how she feels. And she’s not wrong??
Faeries get married too. It’s not mates or nothing. 
In my imaginary book, Cassian goes: why Archeron, is that a proposal? Because I’d love nothing more than to be your husband.
In THIS BOOK, he snaps: “That’s bullshit.”
Annnd cue fight.
Not only is Cassian so, so disrespectful of Nesta’s feelings...HE THOUGHT SHE WANTED TO BE A FAERY?
Are you kidding me, canon? Nesta was drowned against her will in the Cauldron! Cassian was there, unconscious in a pool of his own blood, still trying to reach her and save her. The ENTIRE pivot of her character that slides her into the dark place this book is meant to heal her from is her complete loss of autonomy at Hyberns hands.
and then the shackle line. I just...obviously, people say things in arguments they don’t mean, But Cassian never once stops going for what hurts the most where Nesta is concerned, and is yet baffled by her responses. He understands how to hurt her, but not how to comfort her when they’re fully clothed.
And then the end is...they’re mates. They’re going to have babies. They’re going to have a big faery mating ceremony. Nesta’s feelings aren’t not addressed, they magically cease to exist.
I’m sorry this turned into a FULL RANT- but yes, I’m disappointed. 
Its always the same story: the difficult woman has to soften. Learn to be nice. Power? she can’t have that. She’s going to have a mate and babies, that’s her journey, because that’s every woman's journey.
There is one bright spot, which I do have to mention. I love Nesta’s friends. 
They’re her real chance at recovery, that the IC have nothing to do with. And you know what? she makes them right off the bat. It’s crazy how if you treat someone like a person, they can function like one.
I just want them to have their own story far, far away from everyone else. 
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vrisrezis · 3 years ago
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How would the matsus try and woo over someone who’s a really shy shut in?
I am shy actually so thank u for the rq
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Osomatsu might make a lot of jokes about how shy you are, but he is genuinely worried about you and how you’ll be able to interact with people with how shy you are? Like what if you’re working and there’s a horrible customer and you’re too shy to say anything? He has thoughts like those and worries a lot. When it comes to wooing you, he tries to poke fun and tease you a lot. He does this in general, but he might ease up a bit with somebody more shy since it’s harder to handle as a shy person? He probably assumes you’re like scared of everything and that you’re defenseless just because you’re shy, so he might just endlessly flirt with you and annoy you, so teach him a lesson please. Also, definitely tries to get you out more but if you don’t, he’s staying in your house with you. He might eventually just be like, “hey I like you lol” just randomly. Doesn’t think much about it.
As for karamatsu, he can understand completely. He was a rather timid kid in high school, so he sympathizes with you. Like osomatsu though, might be concerned about you not talking much to people and every once in awhile encourages you to go out more. (Might just be an excuse for him to hang out with you more though). He doesn’t mind the shyness, it makes him actually feel more comfortable and might even be a bit vulnerable with you. He finds himself adoring you a lot, though since he wants you to like him back he tries to act cooler than usual. When it comes to wooing he may flirt a bit, but he ends up becoming really nervous. He assumes since you’re shy you might have the same experience as him, so he just adores you and is very careful and cautious. If you do anything social he will praise you for hours as well, btw. Eventually you have to ask him.. “wait.. do u like me..?” And it’s only then where he’s like “yes did you just realize that now?”
Choromatsu isn’t exactly a shy person, but he can sympathize with you at the very least. Like the other two though, worries a bit about you not talking much to people. Even if it’s just with him and his brothers, he’d like it if you would talk a bit more and try not to be such a shut in and get out sometimes. He knows talking to people can be a bit difficult, but he still tries to encourage you to do so. Even if it’s just ordering food or something simple. Unlike the other two doesn’t limit your shyness to being timid. Not all shy people are scared all the time and timid individuals. They just have a hard time talking. He’s probably more understanding of this topic, and doesn’t mention it really. When it comes to wooing, he might be a bit nervous at this. He just does simple nice things for you, and eventually after MUCH time would ask you out on a private date where you two wouldnt be bothered.
Ichimatsu hates talking to people, he understands.. to an extent. He also understands wanting to shut yourself out from the world, he will gladly do it with you. He feels more comfortable with you because you both can relate to that sorta thing. You both hate talking to people. He just seems like a really good friend, he doesn’t woo you and finds himself in this friend zone typa thing. Eventually he finds himself just asking if you wanted to date him, and that’s that. All in all he likes somebody like you, you two just laze around all day doing nothing. Maybe petting some cats and playing with them but yeah. He hates having friends and it’s likely you feel the same. Like Choromatsu doesn’t limit your experience to being timid, you could be shy and have a personality like his. Whatever the case though, he will make sure you’re not too shy with him.
Jyushimatsu seems to carry a lot of your conversations because of your shyness but he really doesn’t mind. He’s with ichimatsu the most out of all his brothers, the least friendly one. He truly does not mind that you aren’t good at talking or if you just don’t like to. He’s good at talking about nothing and everything, and he can make you just so comfortable talking to him. He might just break you out of your shell a bit. He wants to get you out more often though. He’s not concerned about anything in particular like his eldest brothers are, he just thinks you should get out more. Especially since he loves going out! You two often have to compromise when hanging out, but eventually he asked you out on a date so you kinda had to say yes to leaving the house. Now he takes you on a lot of dates outside, but he will make sure it’s not too active for you if you don’t like that.
Todomatsu constantly whines to you about how you need to leave your house. Constantly insisting it cannot be healthy to be inside that much. So you and him will often go to the gym together but it’s quite literally the only time you leave your house. You cant get you to budge more than that. He doesn’t mind your shyness, as he used to be shy in high school himself. He doesn’t think much of it, it’s just who you are? He just doesn’t like that you don’t get out enough, doesnt that get sad and lonely? He tries to flirt from time to time, he gets a bit nervous about it though. Eventually he just asks you out on a date where he can take you shopping.. if you were comfortable but he really thinks you should see some people every once in awhile.
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avengerscompound · 4 years ago
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It’s You and Me - Chapter 5
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It’s You and Me: A Hawkeye Fanfic
Series Masterlist PREVIOUS //
Buy me a ☕ Character Pairing:  Clint Barton x  F!Reader
Word Count:  2575
Rating:  E
Warnings:  Action, mentions of sex and death
Synopsis: You and Clint Barton go way back.  Since you joined the circus as a child, he took it upon himself to keep you away from the people who really wanted to hurt you.  For years the two of you danced a line between dark and light.
When he chooses light the two of you go your separate ways.
Fifteen years later he tracks you down.  Those feelings the two of you shared never went away, but now he is not only an Avengers but a single father.  Can the two of you make it work after all this time when your lives have gone in such different directions?
A series told in flashbacks and current day.
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Chapter 5: Now
You blinked over at the three children that were sitting watching morning cartoons.  All had dark hair, light eyes, and pale complexions, with a smattering of freckles over their cheeks.  They all definitely looked related but none particularly resembled the blond 6’4 archer who was claiming to be their father.  The oldest was a boy around thirteen years old that sat on the recliner with his legs crossed playing a game on a tablet.  The girl was the middle child and only a couple of years younger than her brother.  She sat on the couch with a glass of orange juice, her eyes fixed on the episode of Adventure Time currently playing.  The youngest which you assumed was the one Clint had called Nate, was sitting in front of the coffee table with a plastic cup of milk.  He was much younger than the other two by a lot.  You figured he couldn’t be older than five but was more likely three or four.
As you took it all in, the shock didn’t seem to abate at all.  You looked at Clint with your brow furrowed.  “Why didn’t you tell me you had kids?”  You whispered.
“I didn’t think you’d be here when you woke up,” Clint said, sliding the dinosaur pancakes onto a colorful melamine plate.  You watched on as he added more batter to the griddle and then syrup to the pancakes and attempted to get your head around what was going on.  He took the pancakes and put them in front of the little boy before coming back to you and taking your hand, leading you back into the stairwell and up a few steps.  You noticed the girl notice you.  She watched as her father led you up the stairs and then turned back to the TV.
“What… what… what the hell, Clint?”  You said when you were safely out of earshot.
“Okay,” Clint said, putting his hands up like he was surrendering.  “We haven’t seen each other for years.  Years and years.  I had a life.  That’s all.  And I didn’t tell you yesterday because you seemed so flighty.  I figured what was the point.  You’d run off in the night and we’d go back to being exactly where we were before yesterday happened.”
“But you blew up my before yesterday life,” you argued.
“I know,” he said, and relaxed his hands, gingerly taking one of yours.  “I know, okay?  I’m sorry.  Can we start fresh?”
You let out a breath and nodded.
“Hey,” he said.  “Remember me?  It’s Clint.  I met you at the circus when you were still a kid.  Shit, I was still a kid too.  I taught you how to use a sword and ride a horse.”
You smiled a little.  “Yeah, I remember.”
“What have you been up to?”  Clint asked.  “Me?  I joined the government organization, SHIELD.  I was a spy and assassin.  I bet you didn’t expect that.  But I have to admit, I wasn’t great at either.  Then I was an Avenger.  You’ve heard of those guys?  They’re like Superheroes?  It’s kind of a big deal.  Anyway… what else?  Oh right.  I got married.  She was a single mom.  I ended up adopting her kids, and then later we had one together.”
“Where is she?”  You asked the sudden concern that you might have helped Clint cheat on his wife hitting you.
Clint frowned.  “She died,” he said.  “Car accident on the way home from the store.  A drunk driver slammed into her at a T intersection.”  He closed his eyes and shook his head.  You let him have time to work out what he wanted to do with the emotions he had attached to the memory and when he opened his eyes again, he looked a little sadder than he had before.  “Look, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you.  I kinda assumed you’d bail on me.  But I am totally here for you sticking around too.  I wanted you to come with me back… before.  That never changed.  So if you wanna try - whatever.  Or the kids are a deal-breaker.  Whatever.  Just… I’m here.  Okay?”
You nodded.  “Okay.”
“I know you never liked kids…”
“I liked kids,” you interrupted.  “I just never wanted them.”
“Right, well,” he said.  “You want to meet mine?”
“Sure,” you said with a small nod, closing your hand around his.
Clint led you back downstairs and flipped the pancakes on the griddle as he passed it.  “Hey kids, I want you to meet my friend.  She’s going to be staying here for a bit,” he gave them your name and then began to indicate to each kid.  “That’s Cooper over there.  Then Lila.  And the little guy is Nate.”
“Hi,” you said, aiming for cheery.  “It’s nice to meet you.”
They all echoed their hellos not particularly giving you too much attention, the way most kids did when you interrupted them doing something they enjoyed.  Clint’s dog ran to the door and began wagging his tail and a second later the door opened.
“Oh and this is Ebony,” Clint said.  “The nanny. She lives here too.”
Ebony had a flustered look about her as she sidestepped Lucky with a large basket of laundry.  “Here’s the clothes.  I really gotta go.  I’m meeting people in Hell’s Kitchen.”
“Thank you.  I mean it, thank you.  You’re a lifesaver,” Clint said, taking the laundry basket off her and thrusting it into your arms.  “I owe you one.”
“You owe me at least fifty,” Ebony said.  “Do not call me unless it’s the end of the world.”
“Right, of course.  Have fun,” Clint said as she grabbed her purse.
“See you, trouble makers,” she called as she hurried back out the door.
Clint returned to the pancakes and served up another batch before adding more batter again.  “Your clothes are in there,” he said, indicating to the basket.  “She agreed to do an emergency load of laundry for you because she said it would be a crime to force you out of the house in old Mrs. Wheeler’s clothes.  And don’t worry, she knows how to launder armor, she takes care of mine.”
You laughed.  “I like her already.”
“Go up and change and I’ll have breakfast waiting for you when you get back down,” he said.
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When you came back downstairs, Clint was plating up the last of the pancakes as well as bacon, eggs, and fresh fruit.  It was a little startling to you given the last time you’d seen him he lived on coffee and cold pizza.
Clint smiled at you and when you approached, he put his hand on your arm and drew you in a little closer.  Just before his lips touched yours he looked into your eyes.  “Is this okay?”
You swallowed and nodded, not exactly sure if it would be, but wanting it nonetheless.  Clint brought his lips to yours.  This kiss was brief, but passionate, like you were doing something forbidden and clandestine, even though there was nothing about the two of you together that should feel like that at all.  When he pulled back, he tapped your ass and grabbed his plate.  “Come on,” he said.
You grabbed your breakfast and followed Clint to the couch and sat down on the only available recliner.  “Alright kids,” Clint said, as Lucky came and put his head in his lap, in the hopes Clint might give him bacon.  “We have a little bit to get done today and you’re with me.  We’re gonna take the subway into the city.  I need to drop something off at work.  I might see if Auntie Nat can hang out with you for a bit.  You all okay with that?”
They all agreed and then he turned to you.  “We can go over to your place after that if you want.  Grab some of your stuff.”
“You gonna go armed?”  You asked.
“Naturally,” Clint said, dropping a wink at you.
“Then after all that, we can do something fun.  You wanna go to Central Park while we’re in the city?  We can go to the zoo or on the carousel.”
“Can we stay late and see a musical?”  Cooper asked.
Clint raised an eyebrow at him.  “Of all the things I expected to come out of one of my kids’ mouths, that was not one of them,” he said.  “What do you guys think?  I guess we can see Aladdin.”
“Matilda,” Nate said, excitedly.
“Oh yeah?  You want to see a play about someone like your Auntie Wanda?”  Clint joked.
They all talked plans over breakfast and you sat quietly feeling a little out of place.  It was clear that Clint loved his kids a lot, but even more clear was that he wanted to give them the happy, healthy, childhood that he’d been denied.  There was never a suggestion that was thrown out without discussion.  Nothing was a bad idea.  It also explained the effort that he’d put into breakfast.
There were signs of the Clint you knew when you left though.  The dishes were just dumped into the sink and rather than putting the weapons he planned on bringing in a case, he just shoved them into a duffle bag.
The dog came along on the trip and for a while, you wondered how he was going to get him on the subway.  But when you got there he was put awkwardly into a backpack that Clint had been carrying and Clint wore the golden retriever on the train.
The kids and the dog were dropped off with the person you only knew as Black Widow from news reports.  Thankfully your criminal activity was fairly low key and more of the civil disobedience kind, so the Avengers ignored you. But you knew people who had had run-ins with her, and it never turned out well for them.
Then Clint had taken you up to see Captain America and Tony Stark.  They’d obviously been alerted to his presence and the reason for him being there because both were dressed fairly casually (the Captain in a light blue t-shirt that clung to his skin and a brown leather jacket while Stark had a t-shirt with a science pun on it over dress pants), but they were both waiting for him.
“Got it,” Clint said, pulling the microdrive out of his pocket.  Stark snatched it and patted Clint on the cheek.
“Not just a pretty face after all,” he said, going over to one of the consols and plugging it in.
“And who is this?”  Steve asked, nodding to you.
“This is my friend,” Clint said.  “We knew each other at the circus.  She helped with this, but I got her burned.  You think she can … you know…?  Join up?”
“Just going to start recruiting people, Link from the past?”  Tony teased, without looking up from the computer.
“What can you do?”  the Captain asked, ignoring Stark and looking you over.
“Whoah,” you said holding up your hands.  “Who said I even wanted to be part of your elite group of do-gooders?”
“I like her,” Tony said. “She’s got my vote.”
The Captain rolled his eyes but that was the most he acknowledged either you or Stark.
“She’s good, Cap,” Clint said.  “She can fight, and she’s agile as hell.  Can get from one side of the room to the other without touching the ground when it’s just a room with a few other people.  She can even balance on the blade of a sword.”
Steve looked at you, impressed.  “Well,” he said.  “If you ever change your mind, you’re welcome to try out.  If you can keep up with Clint and Nat, you’re in.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” you snarked.
“Alright,” Clint said, shaking his head.  “Enjoy your intel.  We have a couple of other things to do today.”
The Captain looked at the duffle bag Clint was carrying.  “Do you need any help?”
“We’ve got it,” Clint answered.  “It’ll probably be nothing.”
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Clint couldn’t have been more wrong.  When you got to the rundown building you lived in, the security doors were both broken wide open but when you got to your floor, the door was still closed.
“Ready?”  Clint asked as you looked over the door for any signs of tampering.
You nodded.  “Wonder what their plan is?”  You said.  “You think they’re inside?”
He nodded.  “Either that or watching us through that apartment and they want to block our escape route.”
“Should we go through the window?”  You asked.
“Nah,” he said.  “Might as well take them head-on.”
You shrugged and pushed open the door.  Jasper meowed at you impatiently and hissed in the direction of the neighbor’s door.  He was the only life to be found in your place and you sighed.  They were planning to ambush you.
“Lock the door and push the table up against it,” you said.  Clint nodded and you went and started shoving things into bags.  It was hard to decide what you wanted to keep and what you didn’t when you were under pressure to decide.  You tried to balance things that you needed now, with things that had some kind of sentimental value.  Thankfully, the circus had meant you’d gotten good at packing light and didn’t have a lot of things that you had a strong sentimental attachment to because it was only a couple of minutes before they were banging on the door.
“Might want to hurry, sugar,” Clint said, as someone fired at the locks.  He nocked an arrow and pointed at the door.
“I’m hurrying,” you said, and grabbed a jacket and put it on.  “Jasper, come here buddy,” you said, picking up your cat and zipping up your jacket around him.  He wasn’t exactly happy to be in there, but thankfully despite your kevlar not being strong enough to keep out snake fangs, it handled cat claws fine.
The door shoved forward a little and Clint loosed an arrow, pinning someone's hand to the doorframe.  Whoever it was screamed.  One of Zelda’s snakes slithered through the gap as whoever it was that was pinned to the door tried to muscle it open.
“Time to go,” Clint said, rushing to your side and wrapping his arm around your waist.  You let him hustle you to the window and he shot a grappling arrow at the building across from yours.  “That open window, there,” Clint said, pointing.  “You got this?”
“Please, look who you’re talking to,” you said.
The two of you hoisted yourself through the window and jumped as the door was shoved open.  Clint let you go as you arced over the gap between the buildings and you launched yourself off Clint’s thighs, stretching out, whilst holding your bags close to your body, so you dived headfirst through the window over the road, tucking yourself into a ball and rolling as you hit the ground. The old lady who lived there started screaming.  Clint, came through the window feet first just after you, forward rolling to break the impact.  “Sorry, ma’am!”  He announced as he rolled straight to his feet and grabbed your arm, running to the door.  “Avengers business!”
You started laughing as the two of you ran through the door and out into the hall.  “Oh my god, Clint!”  You shouted.  “I missed this!”
Clint grinned at you as he jumped over the staircase railings.  “Me too, babe.”
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// NEXT
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hyperfixationtimego · 4 years ago
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Alright we’re trying this angst thing again
Diamond Brothers Angst because I said so
Both Daiya and Mondo have huge self esteem issues bc of the crash
Both think stuff along the lines of what the fuck I could have prevented that
Neither Daiya nor Mondo can sleep very well because when they hear vehicles driving past and the occasional screeching tires they’re back at the scene of the accident
They hear a semi truck rumbling past? Suddenly neither of the brothers remember how to move or breathe properly
They both survived the crash but they were both injured severely bc fuck dude that was a truck that hit them
The Crazy Diamonds witnessed the whole thing and they were Worried™️
And we all know how the Owadas hate being vulnerable
Neither of the brothers could actively ride their motorcycles for a long time after the crash because they couldn’t handle it emotionally
They played off their mental recovery time as time in the hospital
Daiya made Mondo promise not to get back on his motorcycle, much less the road, until he was 100% sure that he was prepared to handle it because what if there’s another freak accident that neither of them have control over
Mondo made Daiya promise the exact same thing because He Cares™️
Mondo has reoccurring nightmares about the crash and often sees Daiya dead in those nightmares
The gang shows up in the nightmares too and they’ve all been hit and it’s all Mondo’s fault and he couldn’t be a good leader because he wasn’t strong enough and why couldn’t he just be more like his brother god fucking dammit
Sometimes he sees Taka or Chihiro in place of Daiya and the Diamonds and that Absolutely Terrifies Him™️
Daiya has reoccurring thoughts about hijacking a truck to hit the driver who hurt him and his little brother
He wants them to feel all the same pain and more that they put the Diamond Brothers through
Daiya has breakdowns over this because even if he is a gang leader, he would not go that far
cue the Am I A Bad Person Complex™️
Mondo does not let himself stim
He doesn’t think it’s manly and it definitely doesn’t fit the Tough Guy™️ act
This leads to worsened focus and next thing you know he and Daiya are having a yelling match at home because if Mondo’s grades drop any lower he’ll be expelled soon and Daiya just wants the best for his brother but nothing works out the way it was planned
One time Mondo received a popsicle stick and paper heart from Taka
He was extremely happy
When he got back to his dorm he was that happy that he was shaking and then oh shit
Mondo broke it
He snapped the popsicle sticks in half
the note that Taka wrote,, it got ripped in the process
Mondo full on sobbed over this for an hour at the least
Like
Actual
Real
Tears
He broke something that Taka— not just his bf, but his best friend— had worked so hard on to make just for him and he fucking broke it like a shit for brains idiot
Mondo is terrified of hurting his friends
Because what if he forgets to take his adhd meds one day and his emotional dysregulation is all fucked up and he has an outburst again and actually hurts his friends
Or what if he takes 2+ doses by accident and focuses too hard and is left staring at one (1) spot and everyone hates him and what if they think he’s a creep
Mondo hates going out of his dorm at night because what if someone else is out and they have a flashlight and now they’re pointing it at him and it’s bright and those are headlights and that’s
that’s his brother
on the ground
not moving
Mondo will start shaking and he’ll break down hyperventilating or freeze on the spot
Either way, he hates being vulnerable
Whaddaya think? :D was that enough angst?
also can you tell that i kin Daiya on the dl bc i too got hit by a moving vehicle to save my young mer sibling from being hit /lh but also srs lmfo
HEY TINK??? HEY TINK????????
GodDAMN make me cry over this shit oKAY-
also sorry this took ✨forever✨ I had to gather my Thoughts™️ and my brain did not want to work today 😌
also before we get into my things, tw for trauma (obviously), unhealthy coping mechanisms, underage smoking/drug relapse/smoking as a crutch, and suicidal ideation (passive, but still there)
First of all, y e a h oh my god?? There is literally so much internalized guilt for both of them,,,,,like they rlly do have episodes sometimes where they just. Play over the events of what lead up to the crash in their heads and fixate on what they could have done differently,,,,,even though in the moment they both did their best? Like “well, I shouldn’t have taken us down this street” or “if I had acted quicker, maybe it wouldn’t have happened” and.....yeah those thoughts really fuck with them, y’know?
and 100% that unexpected/overwhelming vehicle noises and/or presences are nearly debilitating. Honestly, I imagine that Mondo can’t go hang out with Leon and Taka or whoever else if said people are hanging out in Kaz’s workshop. Owada’s only ever been in there once and immediately had to leave when he heard Kazuichi starting an engine he was working on. Not to mention being surrounded by a shit ton of vehicles, even if they were idle, had kept him on-edge the entire thirty seconds he was able to handle it.
They both deal with a lot of phantom pain, as well. Like something triggers them and suddenly, even if they’re able to remain in the moment and keep conscious of their surroundings, they somehow feel every ache, every twinge of pain, every breaking bone, or bruised patch of skin that they felt on that day. It’s a lot more prominent in Daiya than it is with Mondo, but they do both experience it!
And neither one lets the other know when they’re feeling like shit or having an episode because 😌 Daiya. wants to be strong. for his little brother. and Mondo. sees his brother basically functioning like a typical person. and figures that there’s something wrong with him. because he can’t get over what happened.
Takemichi is absolute shit with Emotions and being vulnerable or getting people to open up to him, but he’s like..........internally these bitches are Not Okay what the fuck am I supposed to do about it???? So he kind of...tries to hint to both of them that he’s worried? Without making it obvious or embarrassing them, but he’s like.......fuck these assholes.......making me be the one to make them realize they need help goddamnit........
And michi exhibiting a change in behavior is pretty 👀 because. it’s michi I mean he’s not just gonna change the way he talks in front of u for nothing, u know? So both Daiya and Mondo are actually able to pick up on it, although their reactions differ pretty greatly.
Like Daiya’s first thought is “wow, he’s worried, that’s really sweet of him. Better convince him everything’s okay.”
Meanwhile Mondo’s is “wow, he’s worried. my stupid emotional turmoil is that obvious. he must think I’m some sorta fuckin idiot for not being able to get over it. or selfish. or both. yeah, probably both.”
Also I think Daiya’s pretty perceptive in general? Like he can Tell™️ that something’s going on with his brother, but........yeah emotional conversations....vulnerability......that’s rlly neither of their strong suits. + he also figures that if it were something mondo were really really really having trouble with, he would come talk to him!
And so Daiya has absolutely no concept of just how Not Good his brother is doing right now hbbvvvv
So he settles for being like “I’m just gonna stay strong and act like the memories and intrusive thoughts aren’t affecting me in any way because I want to be a good role model” (which. is not healthy obv)
oh g o d the nightmares
they are so horrible and vivid and concentrated at times that Mondo simply.....refuses to sleep. He’s exhausted, both mentally and physically, and yet he can’t bring himself to close his eyes because he knows what he’ll see if he does.
And of course it affects him to the point that his friends start to become worried. Like Taka notices a stark increase in tardiness or general absences, and, after an initial assumption that it was simply Mondo choosing not to care about his academics again, realized that there was probably a lot more going on than he realized. He really, really wanted to bring it up and let his boyfriend know that he’ll always be there for him no matter what, but he couldn’t quite figure out how to articulate it properly. The farthest he gets is with the question, “is everything okay?”
And as much as Mondo wants to respond to him by saying that no, in fact, everything is not okay, everything sucks and everything hurts and he’s tired and he hates himself and sometimes he wishes that the crash had killed him, but that’s selfish so he should shut up- he just.....can’t bring himself to open himself up like that. Yes, he and Ishi are dating, so logically he should be able to tell him all this, but.....it’s so much. It’s too much. Too much to think, too much to feel, let alone try to explain. So he shuts himself up with a quick, curt, “Yeah.”
And....Taka knows he’s lying. He’s not sure how he knows, but he does. And it hurts to see someone he loves so much in such a state of anguish, and basically be unable to do anything about it because....how is he supposed to respond? What is he supposed to say? Navigating everyday interaction is difficult enough without having to improv something that could affect his partner’s mental health indefinitely. So....he does his best. Which isn’t enough, really, but it’s something.
“You can tell me anything.”
Mondo wants to believe him.
Another side of that same coin is Mondo skipping class a lot more than is typical for him. It’s almost always with Leon, but he’s also begun slipping away on his own, occasionally, as well, now.
And....y’know, at first, Leon thought it was super rad that Owada and he were skipping more! Like it used to be that Kuwata would offer for them to miss the next class, and Mondo’s usual answer would be ‘not today,’ and then Leon would keep bugging him about it until Mondo either gave in or told him to fuck off.
But....there’s just something about how it went from Leon being constantly shut down, to being told yes around the first few times the idea was brought up, to how, suddenly, Kuwata wasn’t even the one asking, anymore. It’s....depressing? Uncomfortable?
There’s also the fact that hanging out while they’re cutting just....isn’t as fun as it used to be? Leon’ll crack jokes or come up with stupid dares, and Mondo’s responses will be noncommittal at best. And Leon’s had enough experience with sleep deprivation to know it in his friends when he sees it.
He’s never been put in this situation before - usually it’s kuwata having some sort of stupid episode and usually it’s owada who’ll tell him to chill the fuck out and think rationally about things, but....Mondo acts a lot different when he’s upset than Leon does. He smokes more. Cuts himself off from everyone. Doesn’t engage with anything.
It’s different with people like Toko, or Makoto, or Kaz, because Leon knows what they need. He knows whether or not they need vulnerability, or a physical presence, or tough love, or tactile grounding, or a willing ear or shoulder to cry on, but with Mondo......he just isn’t sure.
So Leon doesn’t comment.
——-
Chihiro’s probably the one to get him to open up about it ngl.
ANYWAY-
y e a h Daiya intrusive thoughts?????? fuck yeah???? absolutely??????
god yeah I rlly feel him on that ngl hbhdbdbdbbb
and MONDO DARLING 🥺
god okay it SUCKS because????? he doesn’t judge his friends for stimming????? Like he sees his friends fidgeting or repeating phrases or rocking back and forth and he’s like???? Hell yeah you go u funky kid ilysm
But when it comes to himself????? he’s like if I do anything aside from stay perfectly still, I’m weird and bad and a failure so I simply Will Not
he’s wrong but it doesn’t change the fact that he feels that way ❤️
hhhvhvvdd I’m also a slut for daiya doing his best as a makeshift parental figure,,,,,,,like fuck dude okay,,,,,,as an older sibling who also loves and cares about their younger sibs but often finds emotionally connecting with them to be difficult,,,,,,,,,mood??? And having all of that amplified by rlly being his younger bro's only support in his home life,,,,,,,like ok mr. owada go off
he feels a lot of pressure to get it right and make sure that Mondo's doing okay, so the grades really worry him. but, of course, grades are a touchy subject with mondo regardless, so as u said it devolves into arguments and yelling and a lot of defensiveness!!
and god okay,,,,,,,the heart rlly got me,,,,,,,like that hurt. it rlly hurt man okay damn
honestly??? I think that might be the thing that gets him to break. like that might be his final straw.
because when they meet up again, Ishi asks him about it and whether or not he liked it. And Mondo just.
fucking.
breaks.
down.
He’s shaking and he’s crying and there’s snot running down his nose and this is so ugly and so not manly but he can’t stop. he can’t stop. Because there is this sweet, gentle, kind, sweet, beautiful, darling, sweet man before him who did something so nice for him, something he didn’t deserve, and he destroyed it.
Like he destroys everything.
And so when Taka panics and asks him what’s wrong (yes Ishi gets worried that he did something bad and yes ishi also gets worried that his boyfriend didn’t like the present because hdbdvdvd kin 💛) owada just. spills everything. and he doesn’t even begin with the gift??? he starts with apologies upon apologies, many of them incoherent, and many of them with Mondo not even certain what he’s apologizing for, just that he knows he needs to
and ofc Taka is like o-o because wow ok
but after his initial shock, and after Mondo has thoroughly cried himself out and explained everything he could stand to explain at that point in time, Taka just......holds him. And strokes his face, brushing away the tears that have not yet dried, simply offering his body as a weight, as something for Mondo to ground himself with. And it works.
And Taka insists that Mondo has nothing to apologize for, only that he wishes Mondo would have told him what was going on sooner. Because he wants to help. And hearing that just gets Owada’s waterworks going all over again, but he’s still got Ishi there with him. He hasn’t scared him off.
And it’s more than enough.
and UGH yeah????? yes absolutely absolutely okay okay so,,,,,,,,mondo comorbid adhd/depression/anxiety
like sir 🤝
got me fucked up smh
honestly he’s probably not diagnosed with the depression or anxiety, either, until something like the incident with ishi prompts him to realize oh wow I’m not okay actually
so yes he 100% does???
he constantly has all of these what if situations swirling around in his brain about what might happen if he fucks up, or does something that he doesn’t qualify as fucking up in the moment, but leads to something awful or painful or harmful for someone else, and he’s just??????? g o d
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ftstorm · 4 years ago
Text
5x03 - Thoughts 2/2
Now I get why Lucas called it a Frankenstein season...
I’ll try to summarize my thoughts.
THE PLOT:
Excellent idea --> making Leland kidnap Russ. It makes sense since he used to work for CODEX.
Awful idea --> making Andrews sort out Mac and Desi’s relationship. It made him clowny and it was inconsistent with the creepy scenes.
Other stuff -->  the side mission and hanging out at Mac’s house at the beginning were two typical MacGyver things that we hadn’t been seing and I appreciate that content!
The script felt all over the place which is I think product of the mash up between old and new showrunners + the pandemic.
ONE BY ONE - the characters:
ANDREWS: his interest in philosophy and meditation really caught my interest. I think it was original to make a villain with those characteristics (or at least I haven’t seen one like that in a while). I cannot wait for him to show up again. I don’t know what to expect, what kind of villain is him? What type of crimes would he commit? Is his PTDS just an excuse to justify his killings or is it actually a mental trigger he can’t control?
Plus the acting was absolutely flawless. He was the character that built up the most tension during this episode and that’s thanks to his acting and the director’s choice of using several close-ups!
RUSS: Bozer, Andrews and Russ were my favorites this time. I swear I still smile when I think of that “I Can’t Fight this Feeling Anymore” bit LOL.
This episode he was witty and passionate. He even had CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT (WOW there was ACTUAL character development in this episode??? yes). It was at the very end when he talks to the fam. If you remember Russ was reluctant to work with Mac. There’s none of that in this one. Russ was being sincere when he said his thanks while looking at Mac pointedly.
“You all risked your lives without hesitation” means he’s sincerly back to trusting them.
BOZER: he was the peeerfect comic/tension relief in this episode. There was not one piece of dialogue where I didn’t agree with him or laughed at his comment. Bozer is the mediator of the group, the one who looks after this family even more than Mac right now.
Gotta love Boze.
MAC: he’s a mess. I don’t have the energy to talk about all of his stuff lol.
RILEY: Okay, hear me out. Y’all are sad for Riley and here I am thinking she RULES.
After that long post about MacDesi and their toxic dynamic let me focus on Riley and why she’s showing how to be a healthy person. Let’s divide this in two segments:
>> Healthily caring about someone: in the past two episodes she’s showed us how to this by
1- Stepping out of her comfort zone and reaching to Desi for a heart to heart talk. It ended up in them stablishing a sincere bond.
2- Letting go off her feelings for Mac. You know guys, love is not about “having” someone. Love is not a possessive thing, it’s a freeing emotion. So Riley letting go off Mac because she recognizes he wants to be with Desi is an act of love. It is painful but it shows that respects his choice, his freedom.
3- She reinforces the positive change in Mac. Guys, never ever be afraid of telling someone that you see them doing well like Riley did with Mac at the beginning of the episode. It’s such a great confidence boost for someone who has been struggling with stuff and if it’s someone you care about, it makes them feel valued. Make it a habit.
(see how macdesi does the total oposite of these three points? parallels 101)
>> Healthily caring about oneself: let me tell you, she 100% lied to Bozer in the beginning and he even called her out for it.
1- Letting go off her feelings for Mac also as an act of SELF LOVE. She’s been through difficult relationships in the past, she’s been broken by multiple people so she knows that letting go and moving forward is the right choice.
So even if she lied to Bozer, even if she put a front for Mac wishing him well with Desi, I do think it’s the best choice she could’ve made. Riley’s actively PUTTING HERSELF OUTSIDE OF A LOVE TRIANGLE. If that’s not self love and a showcase of a strong willed woman then I don’t know man.
It’s funny how she uses the “adrenaline” excuse when in reality adrenaline is all that fuels Mac and Desi’s relationship. (again parallels 101)
All of this doesn’t mean that MacRiley won’t happen in the future. Mark my words: it will. But everything is a process. Life is movement and timing isn’t always right. Even if Riley is trying to sort her things out, Mac isn’t. In that regard they aren’t on the same page yet.
FINAL MACRILEY COMMENTS: another parallel 101 is the physicality between Mac and Desi vs Mac and Riley.
MacDesi: can’t decide if they want to kiss or not (but hey they love each other) MacRiley: feel comfortable enough to spend an unnecessary amount of time inside each other’s personal space.
Plus you won’t convince me that Russ singing “I Can’t Fight this Feeling Anymore” right after Bozer calls out Riley for lying does not have a meaning.
Plus that silent eye interaction that aligns with all the silent eye conversations they had last episode.
I’m telling you guys, this will grow outside their control. They’ll come to a point where they’re so in sync they’ll have to aknowledge it.
Sigh, now we wait two weeks...
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lvl99catpriest · 4 years ago
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Hey i have some questions and i feel like your one of the few people who can answer them, but I don't know how to word it in a way that doesn't make me seem arrogant or like I'm saying other people are lesser but I'll try my best.
I'm an attractive gay man who has no problems getting other gay men to hang out with or to play games with. I know that for some of them, they might only be hanging out so they can get a chance to sleep with me or at least see me naked. I don't have a problem with that but I think that it might be affecting my ability to form friendships with new people.
Someone brought it to my attention that sometimes I'll do things that make people who are genuine good people feel like they're less important to me, like I'll make public statements about wanting to hang out or play games but when they follow up privately i won't respond to their messages, or I'll end up playing without them.
It took a while but i realized that I do this way to much especially with people who are positive influences in my life, and that I do this because I'm just used to the idea of men being willing to just go along with whatever.
Another issue that was brought up is that I have a tendency to interact with people who can be considered attractive over those who are good for me.
So my questions are this:
I think that because I'm used to men willing to do whatever to have the chance of acknowledging me I'm not sure how to put in the work to have strong and healthy realtionships, or how to tell if a relationship is a genuine one or not.
Have you ever felt like this? And if you have what steps did you take to be able to recognize good relationships from the fake ones?
How do I make new friends if I'm not sure if you can treat them with the respect they deserve?
Thanks in advance for answering my questions
Hey there! I can see where you are coming from, because I have been there. When I was younger... oh boy I would do just about anything for some new cute gamer to play with me.
But as I think you know, that never ends well. I actually don’t think I even keep in contact with those guys from over the years.
For your first question, I would just say you can probably tell what the intentions are before things even get started. Someone interested in genuine friendship will probably show interest, and you’d interact like you would in the outside world. But when the guy is generally just all nudes and flirting, it could just be me but that’s not typically “friend activities”, but hey each friend group is different!
For the comment about you making generalized statements into the internet, you have to be careful about that. I have a friend that is constantly sending out messages into the void like “I wish I had friends” “have no one to game with”, etc. At first it would really make me question a lot, then it turned into a lot of eye rolling and sarcastic remarks to eachother in group chats and discord. But at the same time, maybe this is just that person saying whatever they feel, into the void, at that time. If it’s hurting those around you, maybe I’d try and word things different or just not put out those kinds of messages I guess!
But also on that note, I am really bad about “planning to game”. Since I mostly stick to mmo’s, it’s either you’re online and we’ll link up, or you’re not. Which drives some of my friends crazy, but everyone is different. I’m never gonna text me whole contact list every time I’m gonna log on to a game. So maybe a conversation with your friends is in order, so people’s expectations are known to eachother.
Don’t limit yourself because you don’t think you’re gonna be a deserving friend or not. I feel like that can be a pretty straight shot to some bad mental health days my friend. It’s just the internet and it’s just video games. I find that gay men, especially gay gamers, expect A LOT out of eachother. Which I can understand but honestly all I ever see is gays who like eachother online but complain about everything everyone else does.
Be you, but be mindful. Don’t cut yourself out of the picture because of something that may or may not happen. If they don’t like what you are able to bring to the table, it’s not the end of the world. Every gay gamer out there can’t be expected to be every other gay man’s best friend, hell, most parties are 4-5 players for content.
You’re a human, and so are they. I wouldn’t try and sweat it too much!
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blookmallow · 3 years ago
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hi uhh this video about Anxiety Is Good Actually keeps being on my dash and its making me mad so this is me breaking it down 
if this kind of thinking helps you im not trying to destroy your coping methods but it just feels so far removed from what the actual experience of anxiety is 
i understand the value in trying to redirect negative self-thoughts into positive ones ( “i worry about people all the time” --> “i care deeply about people i love”) but there’s ways to do that without just, denying there’s anything wrong?? this just feels like the. whole issue with romanticizing mental illness/not moving toward positive recovery because I Dont Need To Change Myself when its actively harming you (not to mention “anxiety is good and helpful” is uh, not a great thing to say to someone with anxiety, bc then you get more anxiety spirals of ‘wait if this is how anxiety is for other people then whats wrong with me, i must be doing something wrong. i shouldnt need help and be having breakdowns bc apparently its easy and even beneficial to other people’ i dont need to be anxious about how im doing anxiety wrong lmfao) 
- where is this “anxiety means you’re intelligent” claim coming from. says Who. hyperanalyzing and overthinking constantly doesn’t make you Smarter, anxiety brain isn’t “im carefully and logically considering all the possibilities” it’s your brain trapping itself in a hell spiral of “what if what if what if” to the point where it becomes increasingly difficult to come to any conclusion at all. it’s not “considering all possible outcomes rationally” it’s “im spending 30 minutes worrying about the least likely thing to happen in a way that is not constructive and i need to recognize that and get myself back on track with whats actually relevant” 
my critical thinking is actively impaired by my anxiety. i sometimes have to go take a nap for 3 hours to reset my brain before i can even approach a problem because my brain is just going “no no no no no too big too scary i cant i cant i cant i cant i cant” too loudly for me to even consider any options at all. “anxiety can make you better at decision making!” is the biggest fucking bullshit claim i have ever seen. anxiety PREVENTS me from decision making. it makes decision making a huge ridiculous ordeal when it really doesn’t need to be. i have to go through a whole process of quieting my anxiety down and working around it in order to do anything at all. its like if you had an alarm system for your house but it went off just constantly all the time for no reason and you have to keep getting up to turn it off. eventually you’re going to have a hard time being able to identify when it’s actually going off because someone’s breaking into your house and when it’s just Doing That Thing Again and you keep losing track of what you were doing because you keep getting interrupted by having to turn that stupid alarm off again
anxiety isn’t “constantly looking for how to solve things” its “constantly thinking of new problems that could exist” in a way that is not beneficial. ill be sitting here feeling sick and completely disoriented for an hour because What If The Customer Service Guy On The Phone Thought I Was Stupid. Maybe I Am Stupid. Maybe I Was Accidentally Rude In Some Way I Never Considered And He’s Going “Wow What A Stupid Rude Bitch That Was” for literally no reason. sure that also means “i have empathy for other people and i want to be polite and not make someone else’s life difficult” but im mostly just thinking about How Stupid I Am, You Stupid Fucking Idiot which is not helpful
like if i recognize “this is my anxiety talking” and just. silenzio bruno. ignore that, put that away, move on, focus. that’s a much more healthy way to cope than indulging it on another spiral of “how is this Actually My Little Anxiety Buddy Trying To Help Me” trying to find some meaning and purpose in it isn’t going to help. anxiety is irrational. that’s what it Is. it’s okay and actually healthy to realize that. my best coping skill is to just say “okay, that was a brain glitch. that wasn’t my fault. im not stupid, my brain just has bad wiring. ignore that. keep going” 
- “we can think of it as our anxiety giving us an extra energy boost to get things done” fucking WHAT?? i cant get anything done because of my anxiety. i will bury myself in 19 blankets and stare at tumblr for 5 hours because my brain Won’t Start and i feel sick and worried and shaky for literally no reason instead of like, getting up and cleaning my room. and then i spend another hour thinking about how useless i am for not cleaning my room. i can only get things done at all bc i have medication that makes my anxiety quieter 
- they have this cute little image of “anxiety” telling you to tell the store person you need more time to decide as if it’s there shouting solutions and advice when really it’s more like “GO GO GO GO YOU HAVE TO ANSWER NOW YOU’RE TAKING TOO LONG YOU’RE HOLDING UP THE LINE YOU’RE BEING THAT GUY HURRY HURRY HURRY HURRY IF YOU DON’T DECIDE SOMETHING IN 3 SECONDS EVERYONE IN THE STORE WILL HATE YOU AND YOU WILL DIE” its not constructive, it’s not a helpful little advice friend, it’s just random loud static you have to work around constantly. of course it’s okay to need a second to process because of your anxiety but that’s not what anxiety Does. i cant ask for a second to process because my anxiety is so loud i cant think and it has convinced me if i dont act normal Right The Fuck Now everyone will hate me forever. i guess a more effective illustration would be like, the Anxiety entity going “AAAAAAA” and instead of you thinking “im stupid and terrible because i cant control that thing” you go “hang on a second, i need a minute” and you step away to calm it down. instead of. the anxiety just offering you a solution. for itself. i dont understand this video 
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like. what the fuck are you talking about. “you can do it!! you got this!” is literally the exact fucking polar opposite of what anxiety brain is like
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