#as well as treatment resistant depression and anxiety!

[anotherpapercut]

something I always forget to mention w psychedelics bc I take it for granted as a given is the afterglow. idk if this is common knowledge but most people report feeling a continuation of the happiness they feel on drugs like LSD/psilocybin/MDMA/ketamine for weeks or even months after a dose which is part of why these drugs have all been used therapeutically, for some since they were first synthesized

[mutalune]

hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery

[letters-to-lgbt-kids]

My dear lgbt+ kids, 

I had a panic attack in my kitchen the other day. 

It was a really warm evening, I was making dinner in the kitchen and I noticed I felt a bit weird. At first I didn’t pay it much mind, I was probably just annoyed at having to stand at the hot stove in this weather, but then the thought crossed my mind “What if I falsely believe this is some harmless discomfort and I’m actually having a heart attack?” - and those of you who struggle with health anxiety as well can surely imagine it was all downhill from there. Suddenly I got dizzy and my chest hurt and I felt like I couldn’t breathe… 

And I said to myself “These are all the symptoms of my usual panic attacks, these aren’t new or unusual symptoms that require me to get medical attention right now”, so I turned off the stove and did the first aid I learned works for my panic attacks:

I went to the fridge and got an ice cube and held it in my hand, until that sensory stimulation snapped me back to reality. And when I could think clearly again, I felt safe enough to do a deep breathing exercise and go through my “Why do I feel so shitty��� checklist (checking for unmet physical needs I may not be consciously aware of), and I realized I was dressed way too warmly for the weather, so I changed into something lighter - and then I went back to making dinner. My “heart attack” was just me overheating and then my anxiety attaching a wrong interpretation to that. 

That’s a pretty boring story, right? Nothing dramatic happened. But that’s exactly why I share it with you. 

When you’re young and mentally ill (or if you have been freshly diagnosed with it, at any age), a common fear is that it’ll stay. You’ll be like this forever now, you’ll never go back to normal. And so positivity often focus on recovery, on “it’ll go away one day, you just gotta be strong until then”. And maybe it will! Mental illness is a pretty vast umbrella term, some conditions under it can be cured completely. 

But I wanted to share another perspective here: even if it won’t go away, even if it indeed stays forever because it’s a chronic condition or a treatment-resistant one (or because you learn, after years of wondering why your depression and anxiety won’t go away with traditional therapy, that you’re actually autistic and need a completely different approach than a neurotypical patient (hi, it’s me)) .. it won’t feel like it did at the beginning forever, simply because it’s no longer so new. When it’s new, you have no blueprint on how to deal with it. It’s a situation you’re thrown into with no prior training - of course you feel completely lost and hopeless! 

Mental illness is a real illness and as any illness, it’ll affect your daily life - but over all those days, you learn more about it. You try things to cope with the symptoms and realize that some techniques work better for you than others. Even if you can only learn to manage it rather than cure it: you figure out how to deal with it better. You draw your blueprint. 

It’s still part of your life but it’s no longer the showstopper. It becomes just a boring story of stopping dinner to take care of your symptoms first. And that’s something to hope for, to fight for. 

With all my love, 

Your Tumblr Dad 

[lesorus]

having PCOS is some special kind of hell only a biological woman will ever have to deal with. you'll basically be told that you're at risk for cancer, diabetes, you're infertile, you'll get hirsutism, your hair is thin, your periods painful and irregular, you're constantly tired, constantly hungry, you're always in some kind of pain or discomfort, you might eat less than you need and still gain weight.

you'll be told the only thing you can do about it is diet and exercise, which is fair, it works, but you literally are at risk for high insulin resistance and fatigue as symptoms. you can only swim against the current. now, you can also take birth control pills but they don't solve any of your real problems, they just hide them and if anything the second you stop taking them your health will get worse.

And did I talk about mental health? well, you're at high risk for depression, anxiety, insomnia, and eating disorders. fun right? and it's not some obscure disorder, 10% of women have PCOS. It's a common ailment, you'd think it's well-researched, that OB-GYNS are experienced in treating it, or at least empathetic. Right?

No, literally no. Nobody cares, you have to be your own doctor, go to Reddit for information, and look up research papers. You trust tiktokers more than your medical providers because the best they're gonna do is tell you to take a pill that won't be that effective, diet, and come back when you're pregnant. Oh, your pain is unbearable? Just take some paracetamol. You can't seem to lose weight? Get a grip, you just need to eat 0 carbs and exercise every day, and lift weights. Get some laser treatment for your facial hair while you're at it. You're tired all the time? Doesn't seem that serious, everybody is.

Or worse. Oh, your labs come out fine, you're fine. You have a healthy BMI, what are you worried about? You get a period every 40-ish days so it's not that bad. Not that you're barely eating, exhausted all the time, in severe physical pain, and emotionally distressed. You'll be able to have kids! Cheer up!

And all this? Because the medical industry doesn't care about women.

[foxgenderz]

my personal observations regarding my therianthropy / nonhumanity and my experience with transcranial magnetic stimulation (TMS) therapy:

TMS is "a procedure that uses magnetic fields to stimulate nerve cells in the brain to improve symptoms of major depression. " (via the Mayo Clinic). it has helped my depression and anxiety a LOT. i feel amazing. if your doctor recommends it to you / if you are eligble, please look into it, it was absolutely life-changing for me. i can't recommend it enough for those who have medication-resistant depression like i do.

when it comes to therianthropy / my nonhumanity, it also changed a lot. i started to drift away from my red fox theriotype, and i felt a lot more strongly connected to my coastal wolf theriotype. my domestic cat 'type feels like it might as well be completely gone, or like it was never there. i feel more confident in my nonhumanity, like i can be myself more securely without the need to worry about what other people think about me. i often wear my gear in public without a second thought. i've been shifting more often, having more phantom shift sensations (feeling my ears and tail, or having the sensation that my human hands are actually paws).

it's all just so odd. in simple words, i've never felt more like an actual, literal wolf/dog in my entire life. i feel so secure and comfortable in my identity. i'm just so fascinated with how this came to be after starting TMS.

(of course, i've had a few temporary negative effects with the TMS too. i am not a doctor, and i'm one person out of who knows how many who have done this still sort of uncommon treatment, and i have other mental health complications that could have come into play with my changes! additionally, i still am undergoing TMS treatment, so things could still change. basically, just don't take my word as law, lol)

[heroinuser88]

Did you know that long term alcohol use is worse for your brain & organs than long term clean diacetylmorphine use? Or most opioids in general? Did you know that alcohol kills more people annually than any other drug? So why is it that the former is legal, socially acceptable & advertised on every street corner & the latter is unfairly stigmatized, criminalized & demonized? Did you know opioids use to make great antidepressants & were once legal & used for such in the early 1900s? There are many legal & commonly available things that are addictive & more destructive on your physical health. Yet the masses have been conditioned to believe opiates/opioids are some of the most "dangerous" drugs. Swiss study showing 15 years of daily heroin use resulted in no adverse health complications - https://harmreductionjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s12954-020-00412-0 "No serious heroin-related medical complication occurred during the 15-year window of observation among inmates with heroin-assisted treatment. Their work performance was comparable to that of the reference group." Opioids as antidepressants - https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5189718/ " Historically, MOR agonists have also been applied in the treatment of mood disorders, notably including major depressive disorder (MDD). Indeed, until the mid-20th century, low doses of opium itself were used to treat depression, and the so called “opium cure” was purportedly quite effective.9 With the advent of tricyclic antidepressants (TCAs) in the 1950s however, the psychiatric use of opioids rapidly fell out of favor and has been largely dormant since, likely due to negative medical and societal perceptions stemming from their abuse potential. However, there have been scattered clinical reports (both case studies and small controlled trials) since the 1970s indicating the effectiveness of MOR agonists in treating depression. The endogenous opioid peptide β-endorphin, as well as a number of small molecules, have all been reported to rapidly and robustly improve the symptoms of MDD and/or anxiety disorders in the clinical setting, even in treatment resistant patients.10–17 These results have been recapitulated in rodent models, where a variety of MOR agonists show antidepressant effects.18–21 " One of the reasons heroin even became so heavily criminalized originally was so that they could target anti-war hippies & black communities - https://www.vera.org/reimagining-prison-webumentary/the-past-is-never-dead/drug-war-confessional “You want to know what this [war on drugs] was really all about? The Nixon campaign in 1968, and the Nixon White House after that, had two enemies: the antiwar left and black people. You understand what I’m saying?

We knew we couldn’t make it illegal to be either against the war or black, but by getting the public to associate the hippies with marijuana and blacks with heroin, and then criminalizing both heavily, we could disrupt those communities. We could arrest their leaders, raid their homes, break up their meetings, and vilify them night after night on the evening news. 

Did we know we were lying about the drugs? Of course we did.” - Nixon's Adviser The fact that you can drink yourself to death with alcohol or consume various toxic chemicals pushed by big names, but using opioids to enhance your life (be it pain or depression or both) makes you a "junkie" and a "criminal" who "needs help". This is a total hypocritical violation of people's right to bodily autonomy & their right to pursuit of happiness. END THE DRUG WAR

[shiningthroughpcos]

Understanding PCOS: Unravelling the Complexity of a Common Hormonal Disorder

Hello and welcome back to Shining Through PCOS! Today, we’re diving deeper into what PCOS really is, how it’s diagnosed, and the unique ways it affects women.

What is PCOS?

Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) is more than just a hormonal imbalance; it's a multifaceted condition that affects approximately 1 in 10 women of reproductive age around the globe (Singh et al., 2023). The symptoms can vary significantly, from irregular menstrual cycles to the presence of polycystic ovaries and elevated levels of androgens—often referred to as male hormones (Singh et al., 2023). One of the most challenging symptoms is hirsutism, characterised by the growth of coarse, dark hair in areas typically associated with male hair patterns, such as the face, chest, and back (Spritzer et al., 2022).

For many women, including myself, the emotional toll of excess hair growth is profound. It can feel like a constant battle against your own body, leading to feelings of frustration and embarrassment, especially when it’s in visible areas. I remember feeling overwhelmed by societal expectations of beauty while grappling with my own unwanted hair growth, leading me to seek out various treatments such as depilatory creams and shaving that only exacerbated my issue.

Diagnosing PCOS: The Complexity of Symptoms

Diagnosing PCOS is not always a straightforward process. This can be quite difficult because it can manifest so differently from woman to woman. In an attempt to help doctors better identify the condition, the Rotterdam criteria were introduced (Smet & McLennan, 2018). This diagnostic tool provides a standardised way to assess whether someone has PCOS by looking at three key factors:

Irregular or absent periods – This signals potential ovulatory dysfunction.

Signs of hyperandrogenism (excess androgens) – Such as excess hair growth, acne, or thinning hair on the scalp.

Polycystic ovaries on an ultrasound – Where the ovaries show multiple, small cysts.

To meet the diagnosis of PCOS, two out of these three criteria must be present. What’s important to note is that you don’t need to meet all three, which can lead to different manifestations of PCOS depending on the patient (Smet & McLennan, 2018). However, the absence of a universal diagnostic test can lead to delays in receiving proper care.

Many women find themselves navigating a confusing landscape where symptoms overlap with other conditions, making it crucial for us to advocate for our health. Often, healthcare providers may overlook the complexity of PCOS, attributing symptoms solely to lifestyle factors or weight issues, rather than considering the broader hormonal picture (Dewani et al., 2023).

The Hormonal Landscape and Its Impact on Women

The hormonal imbalance at the heart of PCOS doesn’t just affect our reproductive health; it also has significant implications for our metabolic and emotional well-being. Women with PCOS are at a higher risk of developing insulin resistance, which can lead to weight gain and complicate our ability to manage our symptoms (Barber et al., 2019). This can create a vicious cycle, where weight gain exacerbates hirsutism, making it even more challenging to feel a sense of autonomy over our bodies (Barber et al., 2019).

Moreover, the psychological aspects of PCOS are often overlooked. Many women report feelings of anxiety and depression associated with their symptoms, which can be exacerbated by societal pressures and beauty standards (Almhmoud et al., 2024). When we look at the prevalence of conditions such as generalised anxiety and depressive disorders amongst diagnosed women with PCOS, the rate is between 28% and 39% for anxiety, and 11% to 25% for depression (Dewani et al., 2023). This makes it all the more essential to recognise that PCOS is not just a reproductive disorder but a condition that impacts many facets of our lives.

The Role of Laser-Based Hair Reduction (LBHR)

For women dealing with hirsutism, finding effective and long-lasting treatment options can feel like a constant battle. One treatment that has gained significant attention is Laser-Based Hair Reduction (LBHR), which offers a long-term solution for managing excessive hair growth (Hosseini et al., 2022). Although it's not a cure for PCOS, LBHR can help in controlling a key symptom: unwanted hair growth.

As someone who has experienced this issue firsthand, and as a dermal clinician who has seen numerous patients benefit from LBHR, I truly feel that this treatment can help empower women by giving them a sense of control over their bodies. I’ve seen women come into the clinic feeling closed off, hesitant, and unsure during their first consultation. But as their treatments progress, something amazing happens—their confidence begins to grow. Session after session, they become more comfortable in their own skin, seeing results and no longer feeling defined by their unwanted hair. It’s truly rewarding to witness that transformation, especially as this is something that hits very close to home.

In saying this, it's important to have a clear understanding of what LBHR can—and cannot—achieve. While LBHR significantly reduces the rate of hair regrowth, it does not address the underlying hormonal imbalances that cause hirsutism in PCOS. PCOS is a chronic hormonal condition, and excess androgens (male hormones) will continue to trigger hair growth even after several laser sessions (Kopera et al., 2010). What LBHR does is target the melanin within the hair follicle, slowing down the process by damaging these follicles, leading to thinner, finer hair that delays the growth process over time (Bhat et al., 2020).

It’s important to note that LBHR typically requires multiple sessions spaced out over several weeks to months, as hair grows in cycles, and laser treatments target hair follicles during their active growth phase (anagen phase). In my experience, patients usually see optimal results after 6 to 8 sessions, but individual responses vary based on factors like skin type, hair texture, and hormonal fluctuations (Bhat et al., 2020). This makes a personalised treatment plan crucial.

One thing I always emphasise to patients is that LBHR isn’t a quick fix, but rather a long-term management tool. Even after completing the initial series of treatments, most women with PCOS will need maintenance sessions to keep hair growth under control. While it can significantly improve quality of life by reducing the need for constant hair removal methods like shaving, waxing, and depilatory creams, LBHR should be viewed as part of a comprehensive approach to managing PCOS—not a stand-alone solution (Sheehan, 2004).

Combining LBHR with treatments that address hormonal imbalances, such as medication (like anti-androgens) or lifestyle changes, ensures the most effective, lasting results (Tan et al., 2024). Think of it as attacking an issue from every angle to ensure the best outcome. In this way, LBHR becomes a cornerstone in a broader PCOS management plan, helping to reduce the emotional and physical toll of hirsutism while maintaining realistic expectations for long-term hair control.

Finding the Right Treatment Path for You

Navigating PCOS requires a holistic approach. From my experiences, having a healthcare provider who understands both the medical and aesthetic aspects of treatment is essential. We spoke earlier about combination therapies, but a similar multidisciplinary approach, including endocrinologists, dermatologists, and even nutritionists, can help us manage our symptoms in the most effective way.

In my own journey, I learned that addressing the root causes of PCOS—rather than just its symptoms—is the key to achieving lasting relief. This isn’t a standalone task and involves lifestyle changes alongside medical treatments tailored to my needs.

In future posts, we’ll explore these topics in more depth, discussing the science behind PCOS, how it affects hair growth specifically, and how we can navigate the challenges many women face while managing this condition. My hope is that by sharing these insights, we can create a supportive community for all of us living with PCOS as a collective.

Thank you for joining me as we unravel the complexities of PCOS and its impact on our lives. Together, let’s empower ourselves and others to take control of our health and well-being.

Until next time, L ᥫ᭡

References

Almhmoud, H., Alatassi, L., Baddoura, M., Sandouk, J., Alkayali, M. Z., Najjar, H., & Zaino, B. (2024). Polycystic ovary syndrome and its multidimensional impacts on women’s mental health: A narrative review. Medicine, 103(25), e38647. https://doi.org/10.1097/md.0000000000038647

Barber, T. M., Hanson, P., Weickert, M. O., & Franks, S. (2019). Obesity and polycystic ovary syndrome: Implications for pathogenesis and novel management strategies. Clinical Medicine Insights: Reproductive Health, 13, 117955811987404. https://doi.org/10.1177/1179558119874042

Bhat, Y. J., Bashir, S., Nabi, N., & Hassan, I. (2020). Laser treatment in hirsutism: An update. Dermatology Practical & Conceptual, e2020048. https://doi.org/10.5826/dpc.1002a48

Dewani, D., Karwade, P., & Mahajan, K. S. (2023). The invisible struggle: The psychosocial aspects of polycystic ovary syndrome. Cureus. https://doi.org/10.7759/cureus.51321

Hosseini, M. H., Ehsani, A. H., Fakour Y., Aryanian Z., Elhamfar M., & Noormohammadpour P. (2022). Effect of Laser-Assisted Hair Removal (LAHR) on the Quality of Life and Depression in Hirsute Females: A Single-Arm Clinical Trial. J Lasers Med Sci, 13. https://doi.org/10.34172/jlms.2022.46

Kopera, D., Wehr, E., & Obermayer-Pietsch, B. (2010). Endocrinology of hirsutism. International Journal of Trichology, 2(1), 30. https://doi.org/10.4103/0974-7753.66910

Sheehan, M. T. (2004). Polycystic ovarian syndrome: Diagnosis and management. Clinical Medicine & Research, 2(1), 13-27. https://doi.org/10.3121/cmr.2.1.13

Singh, S., Pal, N., Shubham, S., Sarma, D. K., Verma, V., Marotta, F., & Kumar, M. (2023). Polycystic ovary syndrome: Etiology, current management, and future therapeutics. Journal of Clinical Medicine, 12(4), 1454. https://doi.org/10.3390/jcm12041454

Smet, M. E., & McLennan, A. (2018). Rotterdam criteria, the end. Australas J Ultrasound Med, 21(2), 59-60. https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8409808/

Spritzer, P. M., Marchesan, L. B., Santos, B. R., & Fighera, T. M. (2022). Hirsutism, normal androgens and diagnosis of PCOS. Diagnostics, 12(8), 1922. https://doi.org/10.3390/diagnostics12081922

Tan, K., Coster, T., Mousa, A., Mar, A., Piltonen, T., Boyle, J. A., Teede, H., Joham, A., Romualdi, D., & Tay, C. T. (2024). Laser and light-based therapies for hirsutism management in women with polycystic ovarian syndrome. JAMA Dermatology, 160(7), 746. https://doi.org/10.1001/jamadermatol.2024.0623

[anachrosims]

Unsolicited facts about me that might explain a few things:

(Under the cut just because it's some medical stuff.)

This is why I am sporadic and often EXTREMELY exhausted.

EDIT: I don't say this to get like, sympathy, asspats, etc. I just think all this might offer a bit of context.

I have severe clinical depression, which was treatment-resistant for years until I managed to get on the right medication and was able to undergo TMS therapy. I also have severe ADHD, and was born with glaucoma (have undergone multiple eye surgeries to avoid blindness). In 2015, I was in a car accident and sustained a spinal injury--I can still walk, but recovery was horrifically painful and took years, and resulted in early onset arthritis as well as chronic body pain. Currently, I am suffering from a large uterine cyst that is in the uterine lining and will therefore require major surgery. This fucking thing is causing my other health issues to get worse--plus it's causing heavy nonstop fatigue, constant pain, and periods from hell.

There are a few other things... minor asthma, anxiety disorder, CPTSD. All diagnosed. All pretty much under control. It's that fucking cyst that's killing me right now.

The weird part is that aside from all that, I'm relatively healthy! I have good meds and a therapist and I've got stellar blood pressure. Go figure!

[songofthesibyl]

I didn’t personally resonate with any of the characters in ACOTAR too much—and that’s not necessarily a requirement for enjoying a story, but it often is. I am attuned to depictions of mental health, though, and so, especially as I was/am struggling with depression, anxiety, and anger, at various points I could recognize things in Tamlin, Nesta, and Feyre. For example, Nesta’s negative self-talk, Tamlin in general in ACOFAS, and Feyre’s depression in the beginning of ACOMAF—wanting to sleep all the time, the lack of appetite, wanting to he numb, etc. I thought that was a pretty decent depiction that rang true for me. But it was just something I noticed. I didn’t really self-insert with her. 

Growing up, my mother struggled with mental illness as well. I’m not sure exactly, but probably some form of bipolar disorder. She was in and out of hospitals throughout my childhood. I didn’t understand why she would have been until later. But my earliest memories are when she would have her “explosions”: getting overwhelmed, angry, screaming at us. It was terrifying. After, she would go to her and my father’s room, and lay on the bed, the door shut. Sometimes I would hear her crying. As a little girl, I didn’t understand, because it might be set off by something like me not cleaning my room, and I felt horrible that I made my mother so miserable. And I seemed to take it more personally than my brothers.

I also knew that there was something inside me that was like her—that I felt overwhelmed, that I felt ���sad” for no reason at all. But I resisted going to doctors because I didn’t want to be “crazy.”

This lack of self-esteem, and constant anxiety, made me a target for bullies, and men, often much older, who took advantage of me. I remember one, who would be sweet and loving, and then very cold. Sleeping in the same bed, but mocking my attempt to get close, turning away sleeping with his clothes on when he had held me in his arms all night before. I would go in the bathroom and cry, I would cry next to him; there was never any response. 

I was always nervous around my mother. When she was in one of her moods, I would tiptoe around, terrified of being on her radar. I often was. After, she would give me the silent treatment. Sometimes for weeks. I would always be the one to have to break the ice to make up with her. Always. And when she would yell at me, I would shut down, stone-faced, not moving or saying anything, just wanting it to be over. Even as an adult. It wasn’t all bad times—she was often kind, generous. She was an artist—she and my father met while getting their MFA’s in painting. But the fear never left. And though I’m not glad she’s gone, I could never have lived with her again. 

This dynamic seemed to repeat itself over and over. My last job, as a museum security guard, was within a very chauvinistic, toxic environment. I got told, unironically, that I didn’t smile enough, and when I pointed out to someone that some of the male supervisors were moody too, he replied “yeah, but women are supposed to smile.”

I had been there a long time when a man twice my age, who used to work as a prison guard amongst other things, was promoted to lead supervisor (some bullshit position; basically one below actual manager). He was usually easygoing, but often recounted times of anger in the past, when he got in trouble for exploding at the people at the DMV, for example. 

I took the train in, changing into my uniform at work. It helped to better separate things, even though it meant I was often in a hurry. A lot of the time the train was late, too. And on the weekend, there weren’t many anyway—I had to take one that got me there two hours early. There was one position—being posted at the front of the museum—that had an 8:00 start. So I volunteered, as I was usually there at 7:40 anyway. I also would have breakfast with me, and I would eat on post—a lot of the time, they even let me finish it before going on, saying that before 8:30, it was only employees anyway, and they could just go in the back. This man also said this. Was easygoing, telling me to relax, linger in the back office, it was no big deal. 

That day, however, was different. I walked in as usual, and he lost it—bellowing, berating me. One of those funny incidents he would recount from his past. It happened to be busy, and he needed me out front right away, and I wouldn’t be ready in time. I was doing nothing different than I had for years. 

By the end of it, I knew I was going to have an anxiety attack. But I was late. And I didn’t want him to yell at me again. So I quickly changed, and went out front. 

But it was busy. I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle greeting people, small talk. I held on until a supervisor came in. Even then I was afraid they would call me “dramatic.” But I had to be honest about my physical state. Luckily, another guy came out, who was very understanding and empathetic—hired for his ability to work with people. And he relieved me from my post.

I went into the bathroom, and had a severe anxiety attack. My heart raced, I sweat, I felt nauseous. There was shortness of breath, hyperventilating, crying. And though people mock the throwing up in ACOTAR, fairly violent dry heaves. The description of Feyre’s panic attack in ACOMAF was fairly affecting in that way. It was something I felt I could have written. Especially the racing thoughts. The feeling like I was nothing. That that guy could do that, and be considered leadership material.

I went back on post eventually, after about ten minutes, because I felt I had to. I was still anxious of course, but I was able to hold it together, and make it through the day. 

There were talks, of course. The manager called me in—a former police captain. And he was nice enough, but all he really had to say about what happened was “you have to learn to deal with different personalities.” It wasn’t a problem what he did. It was my problem for being upset about it.

I hated myself for still being there. I felt like such a loser. But the benefits were good, and I didn’t think I could find something better. But I was miserable. During lunch I would cut myself with a razor just to relieve the tension. I developed an anger problem that I still am struggling with now. Because of all of these people in power that can treat people anyway they want, and it’s only the victim’s fault for being “sensitive.”

Eventually, I left the museum, but had to settle for a part-time job with no benefits. That’s the job I’m at now.

I read the books for a fun distraction—they were, and I read most of them quickly. At no point though did I really place myself in the shoes of anyone except in the moments I mentioned. Probably the most viscerally I’ve hated a character in a book other than an obvious villain is Heathcliff at the end of Wuthering Heights—speaking of locking someone up—but I wouldn’t find it weird if someone liked him. He’s a complex, tragic figure. But some can’t read Wuthering Heights, or do and don’t like it, because the main characters by and large aren’t good people. I still really liked the novel, and loved that it could make me feel that intensely. 

It’s fine to read ACOTAR personally. But it’s not ok to assume things about people who read differently. It’s just not that simple.

[buypsychedelicmushroomsonline]

Discovering The Two New Species:

Southern Africa has recently become the center of attention in the world of mycology with the discovery of a Two new species of psychedelic mushroom, Psilocybe Ingeli and Psilocybe Maluti. This exciting find not only adds to the biodiversity of the region but also has significant implications for research into psychedelic substances and their potential benefits.

What is Psilocybe Ingeli?

Psilocybe Ingeli is a newly identified species of psychedelic mushroom belonging to the Psilocybe genus. These mushrooms are known for their psychoactive properties, primarily due to compounds like psilocybin and psilocin. Psilocybe Ingeli shares these characteristics, making it an intriguing subject for both scientific study and those interested in natural psychedelics.

Two new species

Psilocybe Maluti is another remarkable discovery in the world of psychedelic mushrooms, found in the mountainous regions of southern Africa. Named after the Maluti Mountains, this species adds to the rich tapestry of fungi in the region and holds potential for both scientific exploration and therapeutic use.

What is Psilocybe Maluti?

Psilocybe Maluti is a species of psychedelic mushroom belonging to the Psilocybe genus. This genus is known for its psychoactive properties due to the presence of compounds like psilocybin and psilocin. Psilocybe Maluti, like its relatives, offers a range of potential benefits and effects that are of great interest to researchers and enthusiasts alike.

The Discovery

The discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli occurred in the lush, diverse ecosystems of southern Africa. Researchers exploring the region's rich flora stumbled upon these unique mushrooms growing in humid, forested areas. The mushrooms were initially identified by their distinctive cap shape and coloration, which set them apart from other local fungi. Subsequent analysis confirmed that they belong to the Psilocybe genus.

Unique Characteristics

Psilocybe Ingeli is characterized by its small to medium-sized caps, which range in color from golden brown to a darker, almost chestnut hue as they mature. The stems are slender and often display a bluish tint when bruised, a common trait among psychedelic mushrooms due to the presence of psilocybin. These physical features, combined with genetic analysis, have confirmed Psilocybe Ingeli as a new species.

Potential Benefits Of Psilocybe Ingeri and Research

The recent discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli, a new species of psychedelic mushroom found in southern Africa, has sparked interest in its potential benefits. Psilocybe mushrooms, known for their psychoactive compounds like psilocybin and psilocin, have been the subject of extensive research due to their profound effects on mental health and well-being. Here are some of the potential benefits of Psilocybe Ingeli:

1. Mental Health Improvement

Depression and Anxiety: Psilocybin, the active compound in Psilocybe Ingeli, has shown promise in treating depression and anxiety. Studies have found that psilocybin can help alleviate symptoms in patients with treatment-resistant depression and reduce anxiety in those with life-threatening illnesses.

PTSD Treatment: Psilocybin is being explored as a potential treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Early research suggests that it can help reduce the intensity of PTSD symptoms by facilitating emotional processing and reducing fear responses.

Addiction Therapy: Psilocybin has been used in clinical settings to assist in the treatment of various addictions, including alcohol, nicotine, and other substance dependencies. It is believed to work by resetting the brain’s reward system and promoting new perspectives on addictive behaviors.

2. Enhanced Cognitive Function

Creativity and Problem-Solving: Users of psilocybin often report increased creativity and improved problem-solving abilities. Psilocybe Ingeli may help individuals think outside the box and approach challenges with a fresh perspective.

Neuroplasticity: Psilocybin has been shown to promote neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to reorganize and form new neural connections. This can lead to improved learning, memory, and cognitive flexibility.

3. Spiritual and Personal Growth

Mystical Experiences: Many individuals who use psilocybin report having profound mystical or spiritual experiences. These experiences can lead to a greater sense of connection to the universe, enhanced self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of one’s place in the world.

Personal Insight: Psilocybin can facilitate introspection and self-reflection, helping users gain insights into their thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. This can be particularly beneficial for personal development and self-improvement.

4. Emotional Healing

Trauma Processing: Psilocybin can help individuals process and heal from past traumas by allowing them to confront and integrate difficult emotions in a controlled and supportive environment.

Emotional Resilience: Regular use of psilocybin in a therapeutic setting has been associated with increased emotional resilience, helping individuals better cope with stress and adversity.

5. Improved Relationships

Empathy and Compassion: Psilocybin can enhance feelings of empathy and compassion, leading to improved interpersonal relationships and a greater sense of connectedness with others.

Communication Skills: Users often report better communication skills and a greater ability to express their thoughts and emotions clearly.

Conservation and Ethical Considerations

As with any new species, it's crucial to approach Psilocybe Ingeli with a sense of responsibility. Conservation efforts are necessary to ensure that their natural habitats are preserved. Additionally, ethical considerations regarding the use and study of psychedelic substances must be taken into account, ensuring that any research conducted is both safe and respectful of local cultures and ecosystems.

FAQs About Psilocybe Ingeli

1. What is Psilocybe Ingeli?

Psilocybe Ingeli is a newly discovered species of psychedelic mushroom found in southern Africa. It belongs to the Psilocybe genus, which is known for containing mushrooms with psychoactive compounds such as psilocybin and psilocin.

2. Where was Psilocybe Ingeli discovered?

Psilocybe Ingeli was discovered in the humid, forested areas of southern Africa. Researchers found these mushrooms in the region’s rich and diverse ecosystems.

3. What are the physical characteristics of Psilocybe Ingeli?

Psilocybe Ingeli mushrooms have small to medium-sized caps that range in color from golden brown to a darker chestnut hue as they mature. The stems are slender and often show a bluish tint when bruised, which is a common trait among psilocybin-containing mushrooms.

4. What compounds make Psilocybe Ingeli psychoactive?

Psilocybe Ingeli contains psilocybin and psilocin, the primary psychoactive compounds responsible for the psychedelic effects of these mushrooms.

5. What are the potential benefits of Psilocybe Ingeli?

Research into psilocybin, the active compound in Psilocybe Ingeli, has shown potential benefits for mental health conditions such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, and addiction. The unique properties of Psilocybe Ingeli may offer new insights or variations in these therapeutic effects.

6. How is Psilocybe Ingeli different from other Psilocybe species?

Psilocybe Ingeri is distinguished from other Psilocybe species by its specific physical characteristics and genetic profile. Its unique cap shape, coloration, and habitat contribute to its classification as a distinct species.

7. Is Psilocybe Ingeli legal?

The legal status of Psilocybe Ingeli varies by country and region. In many places, the possession, sale, or use of psilocybin-containing mushrooms is regulated or prohibited. Always check local laws and regulations regarding psychedelic substances.

8. Can Psilocybe Ingeli be cultivated?

While Psilocybe Ingeli can potentially be cultivated under controlled conditions, specific techniques and environmental requirements for this species are still being researched. Cultivation of psilocybin mushrooms is often subject to legal restrictions.

9. What are the ethical considerations regarding Psilocybe Ingeli?

Ethical considerations include ensuring that research and use of Psilocybe Ingeli are conducted safely and respectfully, preserving natural habitats, and considering the cultural significance and ecological impact. Responsible and sustainable practices are essential.

10. What should I do if I find Psilocybe Ingeli in the wild?

If you come across Psilocybe Ingeli in the wild, it’s important to exercise caution. Misidentification can lead to consuming harmful or toxic species. It’s best to leave the mushrooms undisturbed and report the finding to local mycologists or research institutions for further study.

11. What are the potential risks of using Psilocybe Ingeli?

As with any psychedelic substance, there are potential risks including psychological distress, paranoia, and exacerbation of underlying mental health conditions. It’s crucial to approach the use of Psilocybe Ingeli with caution and preferably under the guidance of a knowledgeable professional.

The discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli opens new possibilities for understanding and harnessing the benefits of psilocybin. As research continues, this unique species may offer additional insights and applications for mental health treatment, cognitive enhancement, emotional healing, and personal growth. However, it's essential to approach the use of Psilocybe Ingeli with caution, respect, and an awareness of the legal and ethical considerations involved.

12. How can I learn more about Psilocybe Ingeli?

To learn more about Psilocybe Ingeli, consider following updates from scientific journals, mycology research institutions, and organizations focused on psychedelic research. Engaging with the mycology community through forums, conferences, and publications can also provide valuable information.

Benefits of Psilocybe Ingeli Magic Mushroom

The recent discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli, a new species of psychedelic mushroom found in southern Africa, has sparked interest in its potential benefits. Psilocybe mushrooms, known for their psychoactive compounds like psilocybin and psilocin, have been the subject of extensive research due to their profound effects on mental health and well-being. Here are some of the potential benefits of Psilocybe Ingeli:

1. Mental Health Improvement

Depression and Anxiety: Psilocybin, the active compound in Psilocybe Ingeli, has shown promise in treating depression and anxiety. Studies have found that psilocybin can help alleviate symptoms in patients with treatment-resistant depression and reduce anxiety in those with life-threatening illnesses.

PTSD Treatment: Psilocybin is being explored as a potential treatment for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Early research suggests that it can help reduce the intensity of PTSD symptoms by facilitating emotional processing and reducing fear responses.

Addiction Therapy: Psilocybin has been used in clinical settings to assist in the treatment of various addictions, including alcohol, nicotine, and other substance dependencies. It is believed to work by resetting the brain’s reward system and promoting new perspectives on addictive behaviors.

2. Enhanced Cognitive Function

Creativity and Problem-Solving: Users of psilocybin often report increased creativity and improved problem-solving abilities. Psilocybe Ingeri may help individuals think outside the box and approach challenges with a fresh perspective.

Neuroplasticity: Psilocybin has been shown to promote neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to reorganize and form new neural connections. This can lead to improved learning, memory, and cognitive flexibility.

3. Spiritual and Personal Growth

Mystical Experiences: Many individuals who use psilocybin report having profound mystical or spiritual experiences. These experiences can lead to a greater sense of connection to the universe, enhanced self-awareness, and a deeper understanding of one’s place in the world.

Personal Insight: Psilocybin can facilitate introspection and self-reflection, helping users gain insights into their thoughts, behaviors, and emotions. This can be particularly beneficial for personal development and self-improvement.

4. Emotional Healing

Trauma Processing: Psilocybin can help individuals process and heal from past traumas by allowing them to confront and integrate difficult emotions in a controlled and supportive environment.

Emotional Resilience: Regular use of psilocybin in a therapeutic setting has been associated with increased emotional resilience, helping individuals better cope with stress and adversity.

5. Improved Relationships

Empathy and Compassion: Psilocybin can enhance feelings of empathy and compassion, leading to improved interpersonal relationships and a greater sense of connectedness with others.

Communication Skills: Users often report better communication skills and a greater ability to express their thoughts and emotions clearly.

6. Mindfulness and Meditation

Enhanced Mindfulness: Psilocybin has been shown to enhance mindfulness and presence, helping individuals stay more attuned to the present moment. This can improve overall well-being and reduce stress.

Facilitation of Meditation: Many users find that psilocybin enhances their meditation practice, making it easier to reach deeper states of consciousness and awareness. Psilocybe Ingeli may aid in achieving a more profound meditative experience.

7. Pain Management

Chronic Pain Relief: Emerging research suggests that psilocybin may help in managing chronic pain conditions by altering pain perception and providing psychological relief. Psilocybe Ingeli could offer new avenues for pain management therapy.

Cluster Headaches: Psilocybin has shown promise in treating cluster headaches, which are extremely painful and difficult to manage with conventional treatments. Psilocybe Ingeli may contribute to this area of research, offering hope to sufferers of this debilitating condition.

8. Boosting Creativity and Innovation

Artistic Expression: Many artists and creatives use psilocybin to enhance their creative processes, leading to breakthroughs in artistic expression. Psilocybe Ingeli might inspire new forms of art, music, and literature.

Innovative Thinking: Psilocybin's ability to promote out-of-the-box thinking can be beneficial in various fields, including technology, science, and business. It can foster innovative solutions to complex problems.

9. Psychospiritual Development

Transpersonal Experiences: Psilocybin can facilitate transpersonal experiences that transcend the ordinary sense of self. These experiences can lead to profound personal transformation and spiritual awakening.

Connection with Nature: Users often report a heightened sense of connection with nature during psilocybin experiences. This can foster a deeper appreciation for the environment and promote eco-conscious behavior.

10. Improving Quality of Life for Terminal Patients

End-of-Life Anxiety: Psilocybin has been shown to significantly reduce anxiety and fear of death in terminally ill patients. Psilocybe Ingeri could play a crucial role in improving the quality of life for those facing life-threatening illnesses.

Existential Distress: For patients grappling with existential distress, psilocybin can provide comfort and a sense of peace, helping them come to terms with their situation and find meaning.

11. Social and Community Benefits

Enhanced Social Bonds: Psilocybin experiences often lead to a stronger sense of community and belonging. Psilocybe Ingeri might help foster closer social bonds and improved group dynamics.

Conflict Resolution: The empathy and understanding gained from psilocybin experiences can aid in conflict resolution and improve interpersonal relationships, both personally and within communities.

12. Neuroscientific Research

Understanding Brain Function: Psilocybe Ingeli offers neuroscientists a new subject for studying brain function and the effects of psychedelics on neural pathways. This research could lead to new discoveries in brain science.

Treatment of Neurological Disorders: Psilocybin’s impact on brain plasticity and function opens potential avenues for treating neurological disorders such as Alzheimer's disease, Parkinson's disease, and traumatic brain injuries.

The discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli is not just a boon for biodiversity but also a potential game-changer in various fields of research and therapy. Its wide-ranging benefits—from mental health and cognitive enhancement to pain management and psychospiritual development—highlight the importance of continued study and ethical exploration. As we uncover more about this fascinating species, Psilocybe Ingeli could pave the way for innovative treatments and a deeper understanding of the human mind and consciousness.

Conclusion

The discovery of Psilocybe Ingeli in southern Africa is a significant milestone in the field of mycology and psychedelic research. These mushrooms not only add to the rich biodiversity of the region but also offer potential benefits for mental health treatment. As researchers delve deeper into the properties of Psilocybe Ingeli, the world watches with anticipation for new insights and developments.

This groundbreaking find reminds us of the endless wonders of nature and the importance of preserving and studying our planet's diverse ecosystems. As we continue to explore and understand these natural resources, we open doors to new possibilities for science, medicine, and beyond.

[spagetticircle]

Hello! I’ve been inactive for a while due to some issues and complications in my life! I’m back though, and asking for a huge favor:

I have C-PTSD from sexual assault, an abusive family, and more, as well as treatment resistant depression, anxiety, an ED, autism, and ADHD (yeah, it’s a lot). After many long conversations with my therapist and other mental health professionals, they decided that getting a service dog could be incredibly helpful for me. Unfortunately, service dogs are incredibly expensive and I’m a student who can’t fully afford that. So I made a gofundme! If you have anything to spare, it would be super helpful. Thank you :)

https://gofund.me/55d6e4a5

[pb-dot]

The Sisypheanism of Self Care

I don't know if the title is strictly accurate or uses words that are actual words, and neither do I care. Today's been a rough one and I'm granting myself license to be a little extra.

In the last year or so I've become acutely aware that the various mental health care I've been receiving hasn't really been hitting the mark. The talk therapy fails to function as much more than a pressure valve, although it in fairness has been a great pressure valve when I could get it. The problem is that we, that is to say, I and my doctor, former therapist, and social services caseworker haven't really made any inroads into making my life any better or breaking me out of my depression, or this spiral of unemployment, taking a job that doesn't fit my strengths, working until I have burnout and quit - repeat that I have been caught in for most of my adult life.

I was hoping there was an end coming to this time of faffing about with common sense cures for depression, my doctor currently suggests I lose some weight (I know, you're shocked) and take cold showers. In fairness, treatment-resistant depression probably isn't her field of expertise being a GP and all. Anyway, the reason why I hoped this was because I've recently been referred to the public psychiatric center that I know takes a somewhat more clinical approach to treatment, so although I wasn't holding out hope of being "cured" anytime soon, I was kind of hoping this would land me with a treatment plan of some sort. Maybe some different meds? A supplementary diagnosis of some sort? Who's to say, but a fella can dream, can't he?

So far I've talked to two separate mental health professionals who both seem deeply unsure about what to do about me. Out-fucking-standing. Oh, there were also some blood tests as I expressed I was a bit uncertain whether my antidepressants were, in fact, doing anything. I suppose that is the first thing you do in that instance, but I'm just expecting to hear that my body is treating the meds right, and the question if it does do something remains kind of floating in the air. That is, if it doesn't turn out I'm secretly immune to these as well.

Anyway, it's impatience on my end, and I'm fully aware of it. Diagnosing mental health conditions and neurodivergence is tricky and the consequences for making the wrong call can be pretty bad. That said, I'm just tired of getting mh treatment that I can't actually tell if does anything at the same time as I'm getting help getting back to work that I can't tell if does anything, and every time I talk to anyone in my life about this I can't but shrug and go "it'll pay off eventually... I hope."

It's all just such a waste. I was such a bright child in school, and although I wasn't quite as much of a standout during university, I did ok considering I was heavily depressed at the time. Hell, I'm still smart, pretty darn smart in certain fields, I would suggest, and my last formal test of my mental capabilities would agree. And yet, here I sit. Unemployed, frustrated, depressed, a walking pile of anxiety and dark thoughts so robust they almost, but thankfully not quite, should count as a philosophy by now.

Where did I go wrong? There are probably a bunch of things I could have done differently, but frankly, I also feel like Society, that old villain, has failed me in some rather profound ways. It's not just how difficult it has been getting mental health help that actually does something, or how absolutely debilitating being unemployed can be, although these certainly do contribute. My problem isn't just that my life is being made measurably worse by our old foe Late Stage Capitalism, although most of these are just made worse by that cancerous corpse of an ideology. The world seemingly has no place for me it feels like. Loneliness pushes in around me from every conceivable angle, dating is a nightmare, every job requires multi-year experience or specialized education I hadn't even heard about before reading about them, there seems to be no thought put into how exactly anyone not fitting into this cripplingly overspecialized work market is supposed to live their godfuckingdamned life, and that's not even getting into the climate shit.

I honestly hate how easy it is for me to pivot from talking about depression to unemployment. I hate how employment has to be a factor in my mental health. I hate how approximately nobody I've talked to about it, on the professional side, seems to get that I wasn't less depressed back when I was working. I hate how I can't get a job because it feels fucking impossible to be enough of a "go-getter with can-do attitude" to even make it to the interview stage when nothing feels good or worth it. I hate the fucking catch-22 of it all, and I hate that neither psychiatrist nor doctor nor case worker can even begin to unravel this Gordian knot for me, or even tell me where in the good grace of fuck I might begin pulling.

It's like they're saying "Sorry, your depression is untreatable and although we won't say it to your face, the labor market's general indifference to you should tell you that you have no place in it which in the current order of things means you have no value. Shame about that, someone probably should've told you all this before you did your best in school and endured the social ostracization that followed with being a kinda weird kid that loved books, all fueled by the fucking lie that it'd get better once you were done with school."

So yeah. I'm not having a fantastic day today, but I think getting some bile out of my system might have helped me feel a little less terrible? Better days than this will come, I'm sure. I'll try doing nice things for myself the rest of the day, although I'm not quite sure what they were. If I shitpost or rb more saucy art than usual today, that's probably what I ended up with

[abimee]

On madness: a personal account of rapid cycling bipolar disorder

Anonymous

Copyright and License information Disclaimer

I became unwell suddenly, unexpectedly and severely 5 years ago. I was working as a full-time GP at the time with a growing list and four small children.

Initially, I had days when I was intensely irritable with my family and suffered from episodes of anxiety and tension headaches. I put these down to the long hours I was working and a full social life at the time. Then driving down the motorway one day I decided it would be appropriate for me to crash the car and end my life. This was the start of very strong suicidal thoughts and impulses that would pop into my head unbidden and needed real mental energy to resist acting them out.

In the meantime I was also having difficulty working, at times literally dragging a deeply fatigued body and an equally befuddled brain into the consultation, managing by treating one person at a time, rather than look at a whole fully-booked surgery. On other days I found work a useful distractor from the milder symptoms of my depression. Then again, at other times I was full of energy, enjoyed patient contact and was continually looking round for extra things for myself and the family to do.

Gradually, I noticed that working long nights and weekends became intolerable, which I initially put down to having young children rather than believing that I might be ill.

As my mood fluctuated so widely and on a day-to-day basis it was difficult for me to see that I needed help. In the end my husband encouraged me to make an appointment with my GP.

My GP wisely referred me straight on to a psychiatrist, unwisely she started me on an antidepressant not having asked about symptoms of elevated mood as I was clinically so depressed at the time.

My psychiatrist signed me off work initially with depression, but eventually with bipolar disorder, and thus began several years of treatment.

Antidepressants, mood stabilisers, ECT, antipsychotics, thyroid hormones, lithium, psychotherapy and hospital admissions made no difference to the unstable pattern of abrupt mood swings, rapid cycling, bipolar depressions, and mixed mood states with psychotic features woven throughout.

Go to:

WHAT IS IT LIKE TO LIVE WITH THIS CONDITION ON A DAY-BY-DAY BASIS?

This illness is about being trapped by your own mind and body. It's about loss of control over your life. Bipolar disorder is multipolar affecting not just energy levels, but behaviour and physiology. To onlookers it seems that your whole personality has changed; the person they know is no longer in evidence. At times they can be sucked into believing that the changes are permanent.

My mood may swing from one part of the day to another. I may wake up low at 10 am, but be high and excitable by 3 pm. I may not sleep for more than 2 hours one night, being full of creative energy, but by midday be so fatigued it is an effort to breathe.

If my elevated states last more than a few days, my spending can become uncontrollable and I have to hand over my credit cards to my husband, which takes a great effort of willpower otherwise I make purchases I will later regret. I remember being entranced by 18-metre lengths of coiled yellow extension wire. In my heightened state of awareness the coils of yellow looked exquisitely beautiful and irresistible. I wanted to buy several at once.

I will sometimes drive faster than usual, need less sleep and can concentrate well, making quick and accurate decisions. At these times I can also be sociable, talkative and fun, focused at times, distracted at others. If this state of elevation continues I often find that feelings of violence and irritability towards those I love will start to creep in. Concentration and memory start to wane and I can become hypersensitive to noise. The children making their usual noise and my husband singing can drive me to distraction.

My thoughts speed up and I can lie in bed for hours at a time watching pictures on the inner sides of my eyelids. Sometimes words are present and I read them as if engrossed in a good novel. If I were asked to read them out loud they would not make sense. They are a fascinating blur of words and pictures, snatches of poetry and music. I become impatient with myself and those around me who seem to be moving and talking so slowly.

I frequently want to be able to achieve several tasks at the same moment. I may want to read two novels, listen to music and write poetry all simultaneously becoming rapidly frustrated that I cannot do this.

Physically my energy levels can seem limitless. The body moves smoothly, there is little or no fatigue. I can go mountain biking all day when I feel like this and if my mood stays elevated not a muscle is sore or stiff the next day. But it doesn't last, my elevated phases are short, mild and generally manageable, but the shift into severe depression or a mixed mood state occurs sometimes within minutes or hours, often within days and will last weeks often without a period of normality. Indeed I often lose track of what normality is.

Initially my thoughts become disjointed and start slithering all over the place. I will feel that I am physically trying to pin them down in my brain, trying to run ideas together in a coherent way. They will sometimes remain rapid and are accompanied by paranoid delusions causing an inner tension that can only be relieved to some extent by physical activity such as pacing a corridor. I start to believe that others are commenting adversely on my appearance or behaviour. I can become very frightened and antisocial.

The children will detect the mood shift early on and play by themselves as I become more isolative and angry. My sleep will be poor and interrupted by bad dreams. I will change from being the person who has the ideas — is the decision maker — to not being interested in anything at all.

The world appears bleak and a pointless round of social niceties. I will wear my most comfortable, often black clothes, everything else grazes and chafes at my skin.

I become repelled by the proximity of people, acutely aware of interpersonal spaces that have somehow grown closer around me. I will be overwhelmed by the slightest tasks, even imagined tasks. I will see dirt on every surface, weeds all over the garden, and grubby children and feel solely responsible for improving these things.

Physically there is immense fatigue: my muscles scream with pain, an old nephrostomy scar plays up. I ache down to my bone marrow, my joints feel swollen. I become breathless weeding a small patch of garden and have to stop after 2 minutes. I become clumsy and drop things. The exhaustion becomes so complete that eventually I drop into bed fully clothed. Sometimes I will vomit, my digestive processes halted. I will often sleep without being refreshed for up to 18 hours. At times every muscle in my body will tense up and be totally resistant to relaxation. Sweat will pour off me or I will be caught in an attack of shivering unrelated to the ambient temperature. I will shout over and over again in my mind for help, but never get the words past my lips.

Food becomes totally uninteresting or takes on a repulsive flavour, so I will lose weight rapidly during a long depressive phase. Sometimes, I will crave only sweet foods in small quantities. It will often be difficult to bother to drink adequately, which can affect my drug levels and my bowels do not function.

I become unable to concentrate to read a novel for pleasure, for escape. Even a newspaper or magazines become impossible to follow. I start to feel trapped, that the only escape is death. At this point or earlier it becomes a rational decision.

My brain slows right down. I become stuck, unable to answer a simple question, unable to establish eye contact and unable to comprehend what is being asked of me.

I avoid answering the phone or the door. My voice deepens and slows sometimes to the point of slurring. My skin becomes pale and grey in hue. I feel the cold more readily. I will look in the mirror and fail to recognise the person there.

As I begin to slip into a more psychotic state of mind I become unable to recognise something as familiar as the palm of my hand or my children's faces. My sense of space alters and rooms that are familiar appear to have changed dimensions. Simple objects in a room can take on sinister meanings for me.

At this point the world begins to take on a malevolent aspect, which is difficult to describe. Those I love around me become part of a conspiracy to harm me. Their faces will alter and their voices develop a mocking ring. I will hate my husband and other loved ones.

Images just out of my field of vision will be waiting to pounce leaving me in a constant state of vigilance. I have been under the impression that I was rotting under my skin, that my bone marrow is being gnawed away by evil spirits.

Soon the voices and images in my head start telling me what to do.

Stop taking my medications, injure or kill those I love. Destruction. No other way out.

Ultimately they tell me that everything would be better if I killed myself.

I am evil, a burden; I deserve only punishment.

Twisted tales and delusions.

I become passionate about one subject only at these times of deep and intense fear, despair and rage: suicide. The suicidal impulses and images can come at any stage of the illness, even in mania, but are at their most intense and irresistible during psychotic phases.

For months at a time I have carried ropes, blades and enough tricyclic antidepressants to kill me twice over, in the boot of my car. In the past I have had access to a fatal pharmacoepia of emergency drugs through my general practice work.

I know where to buy a gun. I know the fatal dosages of the drugs I take. I have considered railway crossings, bridges over rivers, driving off roads into valleys and electrocution. I have made close attempts on my life by hanging and drowning over the last few years.

Sadly, the impact of suicide on my children does not avail me when I am ill. I consider myself to be such a huge burden to them at these times that I believe suicide to be a relief, a final gift to them from a mother who can do no more. A person who has reached the limit of endurance.

At times I will experience images of extreme violence towards others, often family members and those close to me, but on occasions complete strangers. Occasionally, I feel completely detached and dispassionate and compelled to act on these images: more often they are extremely distressing to me. When in a normal state of mind I find these images abhorrent in the extreme.

Fortunately, those who care for me have been able to recognise these unsafe states and admit me to hospital. Then inexplicably, my mood will shift again.

The fatigue drops from my limbs like shedding a dead weight, my thinking returns to normal, the light takes on an intense clarity, flowers smell sweet and my mouth curves to smile at my children, my husband and I am laughing again. Sometimes it's for only a day but I am myself again, the person that I was a frightening memory. I have survived another bout of this dreaded disorder.

It's a continuous round fought on a daily basis. If I'm lucky I will get a few days every few months when I am completely normal and don't have to make continual allowances for my mood state.

So why am I still here? I don't know. Possibly luck. Possibly the tiny scrap of humanity that remains even in my most psychotic and suicidal states, which allows me to express the desperation and loss of control that I am experiencing, so that caregivers and treating clinicians can respond appropriately and keep me safe. A little hope. Some denial.

I have lost my job, intellectual stimulation and my social life. Sometimes I wonder how my marriage holds together and I am continually anxious about the effects of my illness on my children and whether I will end up like too many other people with severe bipolar disorder, separated from them permanently.

There have been relationships broken and distorted, and relationships that have held fast and true through the worst of its manifestations. Making new friends has often been too difficult. Those who know of my illness have sometimes become accommodating and flexible, others have not.

I have had to tolerate opinions from all sorts of people who think that if I only did something differently I would be restored to full health. This has varied from advice to take multivitamins, regular massage, a holiday, a return to my country of origin, meditation, regular prayer, church attendance to the avoidance of atmospheric pollutants and negative thinking.

It's taught me that even with the best psychiatric care some people do not respond to medication, do not get better. However, I am grateful that I have had the best care available to me throughout and that I had completed my family before the onset of this illness. I am also grateful that I was able to take out income protection insurance several years prior to becoming ill, otherwise like many other mentally ill people we would be impoverished.

This illness is about having to live life at its extremes of physical and mental endurance, having to go to places that most people never experience, would never want to experience. It has been about having unthought of limitations placed on your life, your career, your family. For my family it's been about adjusting to totally altered dynamics, having a mother who is often unable to be there for them, for them to have to live with the flux of my moods and the disturbance that comes with recurrent hospitalisations.

It's about having to rely on others for help when you are feeling at your most vulnerable and exposed. It's about being stigmatised.

It has become about trying to stay alive and living life fully in the brief periods of normality or mild elevation that occur from time to time.

Otherwise, rapid cycling bipolar disorder is an unrelenting scourge.

[mcatmemoranda]

I have a pt who has apparent status migrainosus. But it's been resistant to sumatriptan. She said she had some relief with IV meds in the ED (I believe she got depakote or valproate). I wonder if it might actually be 2/2 temporomandibular joint arthritis, which she was diagnosed with a month ago. That's what my preceptor mentioned. So I looked up TMD on UpToDate:

Pathogenesis – Several factors can contribute to the development of temporomandibular disorder (TMD) symptoms, including temporomandibular joint (TMJ) trauma, poor head and cervical posture, differences in pain threshold and processing, and psychological factors such as depression and anxiety.

●Clinical manifestations – Symptoms of TMD most commonly include facial pain: a dull, unilateral facial ache that is constant but waxes and wanes in intensity and is typically aggravated by jaw motion. Other common symptoms include earache, headache (typically frontal or temporal and often radiating to the jaw), and jaw and TMJ dysfunction (eg, decreased mandibular range of motion, clicking with jaw movement, intermittent jaw locking).

●Evaluation and diagnosis – The diagnosis of TMD is based primarily upon the history, including the patient's constellation of symptoms, and compatible physical examination findings. For patients with more severe symptoms and those with persistent symptoms, we obtain imaging to rule out local pathology in the teeth and jaw bones; a panoramic radiograph or cone beam computed tomography (CBCT) are both reasonable choices. We advise against the routine use of a standard radiograph of the TMJ, as this study does not provide valuable information regarding dentition and mandibular alignment and symmetry.

●Initial management with patient education and self-care measures – For all patients with TMD, we suggest initial management with education and self-care measures (Grade 2C). This includes education regarding the natural history of TMD and counseling on optimal head posture, jaw exercises (picture 2 and picture 3*), and proper sleep hygiene, as well as avoidance of triggers (eg, oral behaviors such as nail biting, pen chewing) if these factors contribute to symptoms. There are limited high-quality data supporting the use of self-care and education in the treatment of TMD; however, given the lack of harm and the potential benefit, these interventions are appropriate for all patients.

*Isometric jaw exercises are particularly useful for patients with temporomandibular joint dysfunction syndrome. These exercises are performed by applying resistance with an open or loosely fisted hand. In the isometric jaw opening exercise, the patient begins with her mouth open about an inch. The resistance and muscle contraction are held for 5 to 10 seconds before relaxing. This is repeated five times per session. Exercises can be performed with moderate resistance applied several sessions per day, or with maximum resistance one session per day.

*The isometric jaw forward thrust exercise is performed by pushing the jaw forward against the hand, holding and then relaxing. This is repeated five times per session.

•Physical therapy for musculoskeletal causes – For patients with a prominent musculoskeletal component or cervical or shoulder symptoms, we refer for physical therapy evaluation and treatment.

•Oclusal (bite) splints as adjunctive therapy – For some patients with TMD, particularly those with prominent musculoskeletal symptoms or evidence of bruxism, occlusal splints fitted by a dental clinician can be used as an adjunctive therapy along with other TMD treatments such as physical therapy.

•Biobehavioral management for comorbid psychological conditions – For patients with comorbid depression, anxiety, and stress disorders, biobehavioral management is used as adjunctive therapy in TMD treatment.

●Adjunctive pharmacotherapy for persistent symptoms – For patients with persistent symptoms despite education and self-care, we use adjunctive pharmacotherapy concurrently with other treatments.

•For such patients, we suggest using a nonsteroidal antiinflammatory drug (NSAID) as first-line pharmacologic therapy rather than other medications (Grade 2C). We generally treat patients with a 10- to 14-day course of a long-acting NSAID (eg, naproxen 250 to 500 mg orally twice daily).

•For patients with tenderness of the muscles of mastication, we suggest treatment with a skeletal muscle relaxant in addition to the NSAID (Grade 2C). For most patients, we prescribe the muscle relaxant for 10 to 14 days only. However, some patients with persistent muscular pain may benefit from an additional week of treatment.

•For patients with persistent TMD symptoms that warrant continued adjunctive pharmacotherapy after two weeks of NSAID treatment (or three weeks for those patients taking additional skeletal muscle relaxants), we suggest treatment with a tricyclic antidepressant (TCA) rather than other therapies (Grade 2C).

●Interventional management for severe or refractory symptoms – For patients with TMD symptoms refractory to noninvasive management, referral to an oral and maxillofacial surgeon with experience in managing TMD is warranted. Treatment options for these patients include trigger point muscle injections, botulinum toxin injections, and intraarticular injections.

●Surgical referral for refractory symptoms despite nonsurgical interventions – For some patients, such as those who have structural anatomic pathology on imaging and persistent jaw locking severe enough to interfere with activities of daily living despite three to six months of nonsurgical management, we suggest surgical intervention rather than no surgery (Grade 2C). Although the specific surgery offered will depend upon the intraarticular disorder, such patients are unlikely to achieve adequate symptom control without surgical intervention.

[mashounen1945]

Transcription:

"[I'm] getting the impression that most of us fit this: - Former gifted kid. - Neurodivergent. - Burned out hard in adolescence. - Now riddled with treatment-resistant depression and anxiety. - Libidinously polarized (either a horndog or uninterested in sex). - Mostly LGBT friends. - Leftist."

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Yeah, same.

(Well... mostly)

[neuroticboyfriend]

sending this story because I've told people about it before and not felt very vindicated, you seem like someone who could empathize with my position/situation at the time when we (system) were 14 we decided to take one last shot at therapy (long story short; forced into it before due to court orders, hated it, but were so miserable that it was a last resort type of deal). a few months afterward we were diagnosed with depression and anxiety and put on an antidepressant against our will. convo went something like this: doc: i want you to take this medication me: i don't want to take this medication doc: you should try this me: i don't... really want to? got prescribed anyway. after a week of being forced to take it by an unsupportive caregiver, and other life shit going wrong, we ended up in "grippy sock jail." like two days into that, this conversation happens. psych ward doc: i want you to take this medication. will you take it? me: no doc: you should take it. will you take it? me: no. doc: this will help you. do you want it? me: no doc: this will help. do you want to take it? me: no. he asked me a fifth time and I said "yes" because I knew that if I "resisted treatment" I would be stuck there longer, and I was in the middle of missing my exams for school and also less than a week away from Christmas Day. they then made me take the medication every day I was there. when we went home, our caregiver also made us take it and watched carefully to make sure we did. when we faked taking it, she noticed, and became enraged. we had one of the scariest nights of our life happen because we refused to take a medication we never consented to taking and were pressured (basically forced) to be on. we were never on those medications long enough to feel whatever effects they were supposed to have, thankfully, but just being on them and having our consent and autonomy violated in such a manner made our mental health issues x10 worse. we also discovered several years after this that the reason we felt so depressed in the first place was due to a hormone imbalance. now that it's medicated and treated, we don't want to die anymore. a chronic illness no one spotted until it was and that is a prime example of medical malpractice. we aren't schizophrenic nor do we have psychosis. but no one, NO ONE, should be forced to take medication against their will. psychiatric medication can hurt people, physically and mentally. on another note we were looking at medical records from a visit to the ER last year and saw that we were casually given prednisone, which is known to ruin people's health for the rest of their lives. but we didn't know that at the time. very grateful i decided not to take it anyway. and people wonder why I refuse to take anything besides my hormonal medication even when I'm in horrible pain or discomfort...

i havent the energy to reply to this well but i just want you to know i hear you and i do understand. the way psych patients are treated is awful and you deserved so much better.