#as a very quiet and emotionally repressed person it means more to me than I could ever express

[spicyraeman]

sad boy hours officially canceled, I am once again refusing to let it take hold and taking my happiness by force

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

Because it looks like you’re already losing it do you have any extra thoughts on his voice lines? Mystery Shop Translations has them!

[Referencing this post!]

Yes, I know Mystery Shop TLs has the deets 👀 I'm the one that requested Rollo's voice lines dhabydsbiosaivfbifsan

To avoid spoiling anyone that hasn't had the chance to read his voice lines yet, I'll place my thoughts on them below the cut.

First thing's first! It seems like Rollo will be staying at NRC for a short amount of time. It’s disrupting the daily routine he usually has, so I wonder how he’ll adapt…? Apparently, this is because he has come to study at NRC for a brief period. So maybe there's some kind of student exchange program meaning we may get other "special" students in the future...

Rollo sounds SO unhappy (but in an emotionally-repressed way) when he says he would prefer not to step foot onto NRC campus. TOO LATE BUDDY YOU'RE STUCK WITH US WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT 🤡

QDBIUBSOYFVQE8FO8EQEFANOQEUTQEP OKAY, HE STARTS OFF STRONG... Just another monologue about he's going to be the one to create a just world and punish evildoers, how NRC is a place where evildoers dwell and how he has to observe them carefully... The usual Rollo talking points 😭 His Groovy line references the Just Judge and really shows how big of an ego Rollo has???? Like he's going to impart upon you "proper virtuous behavior"... BRO, I DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT FROM SOMEONE WHO WAS PLANNING TO ENGULF THE WORLD IN FLOWERS THAT SUCK OUT ALL THE MAGIC

On the topic of "proper virtuous behavior", I like that we get subtle hints of Rollo actually pushing for this in his lines. It shows us that he actually does think he knows what's best for others and has very particular expectations for what is "good and just" behavior (even thinking that he leads by example). For example, Rollo advises that Yuu "fulfill their duty to their utmost", something which he also prides himself on. Additionally, he commands Grim in their Duo Magic to do as he says, to which of course Grim protests, saying that he doesn't want to be ordered around. Rollo also frowns on Idia's use of an electronic tablet as a substitute for attending classes in person, calling it "laziness beyond reproach".

I find it hilarious that Rollo is SO angry at Malleus that he describes even the general area that Malleus resides in and the mirror that leads there as "absolutely repulsive". HIS HATE BONER FOR MALLEUS WILL NEVER DIE... Even funnier when you realize Rollo is (relatively) neutral toward Azul and only slightly negative about Idia (the other two SSR boys responsible for his downfall). Rollo even expresses curiosity about the Mostro Lounge (and I fully intend to write a fic with this premise in mind, it's just TOO good to pass up)! Both Idia and Azul are referred to as “[first name]-kun” whereas Malleus is referred to vaguely (“that man”) or just has his full name shouted 😭

It's... surprisingly cute??? That he compliments the quality of Trein's lessons. I wish we had more of Rollo's thoughts in this regard, because I feel like he's keeping a lot of his more detailed thoughts locked away. (Notice also that he calls Trein by first-name basis, “Mozus-sensei”.)

Noble Bell College doesn't have dormitories, which makes sense. It is stated in canon to be a much smaller school than NRC, so I'd imagine the student population is also smaller and thus having multiple dormitories to accommodate them all wouldn't be necessary. Laughing at the fact that Rollo just casually dunks on Ramshackle's name though 😭 I MEAN, HE AIN'T WRONG... The place was a bit of a dump before the renovations...

It's really interesting that Rollo continues to express a preference for "relaxing" places; he comments that he loves the Mirror Chamber because it's quiet and he finds it charming. There's also the previously mentioned interest in Azul's cafe, as well as a remark about the knowledge that NRC's library has. It makes me think he can be quite contemplative, although perhaps he doesn't direct his energy toward the most positive emotions at times.

In spite of all of this, the voice lines also maintain a sort of "distance" to them, which I love. This is most obviously seen in the voice line where Rollo asks Yuu if they need something since they were acting overly familiar with him. Rollo indicates that he believes Yuu mistook him for someone else. He doesn't seem to have friends, nor desire them, even if they're of a non-mage persuasion like Yuu. There continues to be this lingering sense of uneasiness and distrust between him and his peers, even when others like Yuu, the gargoyles, his aide and vice president, make an effort to reach out to him. HE JUST WANTS TO EXPLODE PEOPLE WITH HIS MIND, THIS ICY NeUTRALiTY IS tHE NICEST THIS MAn CaN MUSTER/j It really suits Rollo's character to refuse to properly "integrate" with NRC. He's also very actively avoiding making certain decisions which would prompt him to return to the campus, like not checking out any library books even though he's truly entranced by the information the NRC Archives hold. It implies that Rollo is, to some extent, being held back from his full potential because of how he walls himself off from others. He thinks of his own NBC classmates as noisy and stupid, wishes to remove the gargoyles, actively tries to spend time alone as often as possible, and hates on the community goats (bro was about to send one FLYING but decided against it only because there were too many potential witnesses). He doesn’t open up to his own parents about his feelings ever since the fire and claims that others cannot understand how he feels. Rollo has isolated himself 💀

Even his level-up line (not in Mystery Shop TL's post, but I still want to bring it up) is not friendly at all. In fact, Rollo acts suspicious of Yuu's friendship and demands that they come clean about their "true intentions". He then says that if You is actually being genuine, that's actually more bothersome than if they had been deceptive to him all along. He pities them for their circumstances, yes (being a non-mage constantly having to deal with the shenanigans of the wicked mages around them), but that doesn't equate to friendship or feeling "close" with Yuu. Rollo does not allow others to get close, he does not know what friendship is and nor does he seemingly want it or care for it.

Rollo draws a very strong divide between himself and those he labels as "villains" , as well as literally everyone else he encounters. That is, ironically, muddying his relationships and potential for self-actualization when he sees himself as a “savior” of sorts for people.

Overall, I really enjoyed this set of voice lines! It gives us more of what we really love about Rollo's personality without spoiling the events of Glorious Masquerade for those who haven't read it yet. My only complaint would be that I'm getting greedy and want even more Rollo content now, just these voice lines alone isn't enough to sate me anymore/j 😂

[infinite-hearts-333]

Tay Friend head canons and stuff i guess.

The beloved autism is currently mad at me and i am suffering due to stress and low social battery. What do i do to fix this? Feed you lot i guess lol.

Pspspssp @onyxonline I’m back at it again lol

Starting off strong with

Maya :D (now confirmed roommate and best friend heheh) @fishy0bishy

Maya defiantly is gonna be the one that gets the most spontaneous gifts, due to their shared passion for nature, and Tay’s tendencies to hand out any plant matter as humanly possible. She’s also gonna be the one, (along side Andri probably,) to slowly chip through the masking Tay does so that at least in their little group they can be a little bit more wild.

They would have defiantly met in the green house, cause ofc a magic school has one of those duh. Tay goes there when thing’s are a little bit too much cause the greenery reminds them of the bush of home, and well i think we all know why Maya is there lol.

Maya is the BEST. stim toy ever. Period. Tay would spend hours just tracing their finger along Maya’s wood limbs with their finger if they could SSSKSK.

Andri (support and enabler) @north-heats-stronghold

Absolutely calls Tay Dudelet. Like a mix of dude and dudette?? Get it?? (M sorry XD)

Lil silly man makes Tay very giddy and wild. They go crazy. I love the idea that Tay would eat Australian foods and everyone one is like. The fuck. Will force feed Andri fairy bread, and he will enjoy it /jk

Emotionally conscious enough to provide Tay a safe place to go crazy and not having to worried about masking. Which is excellent. Also provides correct complements for things that others simply wont catch, completing tasks they don’t like, doing something with confidence, speaking their opinion in large crowds ect. Very good for them yes yes.

LET THEM TRAIN TOGETHER!!!!! Really wanna make something where Andri get Tay to agree on training together and Tay all confident and chatty as a witch and everyone’s like :00000

My god, if magic does influence them outside of their ‘magic girl form’ and Andri can change his body heat at will Tay is gonna be ALLL over it. Massive heat stealer. Andri will never escape their cold hands XDDD

Drapes all over him. Or leans. They’re not tired! Just listening to you :>

Miguel (comfort- he did not sign up for this XDDD) @novalizinpeace

Was it because he’s (slightly) intimating so he’ll scare off people? Is it because of the big fluffy jumper? Did Tay sense weakness? Who knows, but now Miguel is now stuck with them lol.

Reread up on their bios (again) but honestly, he kinda asked for this position lol. With his powers, he’s literally the ONLY person in the entire school that will have even the slightest clue on how Tay is feeling with masking and repression (yippee!!!) at stages, even they don’t know, so it is excellent to have someone that will understand and not brush them off for being ‘to immature’ or ‘to emotional’. Probably looks like a sad kicked puppy to him HAHA.

They can do parallel play!!! More so when Miguel first gets there with his worries about ‘how good his English is’, cause Tay is fine to just sit and do their own thing, together :> No talking required!

Defiantly would hold onto Miguel’s sleeves if they’re walking together lol.

Miguel is not ready for when someone insults him and Tay goes apeshit on them haha. No one is mean to their friend >:)))

Rosa (bad influence lol) also belongs to Nova :> ^^

Met through Maya, and was utterly terrified of her haha. (Tay’s also bigger than Rosa, which makes it more hysterical.)

Resorted to bringing Rosa different seeds in hopes she wouldn’t bite them. And once they were more use to each other started bringing her native Australian plants, (which are apparently weird as shit to the rest of the world??? Y’all basic).

Rosa probably tolerates them more than other people cause their quiet lol.

Plant scientists! “This is a banksia. When the big fires come, they use the heat to melt the wax around the seed pods and shoot their seeds out once the fire is gone.”

“THEY EXPLODE?”

“… technically?”

[michelleelizabethtanner]

What are some of the key things you think about when writing for Brio? And any tips for writing scenes of confrontation between them?

P.S. Rough Night is the GOAT!

Aw, thank you, Anon! I still can’t bring myself to read through Rough Night after its completion, so your words mean a lot. I’m genuinely so touched. Thank you. ❤️❤️

Idk how good my tips for writing are. It’s so off the cuff for me, usually, and largely done by feel rather than overt planning. I don’t have any education on actual writing conventions and just try to imitate the type of writing I like to read. I’ve never paid so much attention to how dialogue is broken up or what descriptors people use in my life!!! 😂

I think most fic writing starts with a few key scene ideas. For me, there are generally a couple defining moments in my mind that really embody the feel of the message I want to convey. I can see clearly the mood, the tone, the volume of voice, the time of day, the weather, the facial expressions, the unspoken feelings. I guess the whole idea is that you, as the author, really understand your subjects on a deeper level than you plan to actually write in words. You should be able to see their entire histories that led up to those particular defining moments. Because the entirety of who they are has brought them down whatever the path has been to the moment(s) of impact. At least that’s how I do it. I have to have a connection to the characters as people to be able to tell a story about them.

And these defining moments don’t even have to be big or loud ones. They just have to have meaning in your own mind for the weight they carry. For example, in the beginning of Rough Night, I wanted to show a realistic path that I imagined would walk Brio toward each other in their tentative baby steps, and just how all those stars could possibly align for them to do so. I don’t think there were any big, loud moments in the beginning, but to me they were emotionally vulnerable and therefore impactful little bits of personal concessions from both Beth and Rio that allowed them progress. Acts of service (so to speak) from both Beth and Rio, where they selflessly provide each other pleasure at different times as a means of showing the other that they understand the other’s circumstance. Rio’s platonic presence and touch at a time he knew Beth was in an emotionally difficult place with her sister. Then a mirrored small, platonic physical touch initiated by Beth at a similarity difficult moment for Rio. A moment that she wouldn’t normally even be around for, showing support, showing a lot more just with her presence, going outside her comfort zone and actually touching when we all know she doesn’t do that. But Rio does. So she did it for him. Used his own language to say something meaningful without using words.

So I guess what I mean is, you should decide who these characters are in your mind and try to make us see them the way you see them. Give us glimpses into your cradle-to-grave knowledge of who they inherently are by showing us small behaviors that keep them consistently in character as much as possible. Don’t spell out their feelings in your narration. (This is the biggest rewrite I wish I could do in Rough Night. All the blatant telling instead of showing that makes me cringe.) Show us how they feel by their actions or even with their dialogue that very often may speak out loud the complete opposite of what they really feel. But we will all know they’re lying because we will see it on them through their small actions, their furtive glances, their tentative touches stolen in dark quiet moments. Think “I’m gonna teach you” there on her street in the dead of night. The way you could seeeeeee the feelings on him as he touched her hair. Think his little hand touch under the table, and her barely repressed smile about it. Baby touches. No big proclamations. “You trust me? / God no.” The opposite of what they really mean.

As for conflict and confrontation, I guess it largely depends on the moment and context. I know Rough Night has a climactic moment of confrontation where they are very verbose with their feelings. An OOC honesty, particularly for Rio who is verbally reserved and calculating. But it took something like 50+ chapters of smashing these two characters together in an increasingly intimate way for me to feel comfortable giving Rio quite that much dialogue. I do ultimately like how it turned out, but it took a lot of thought for me to feel comfortable writing the dialogue in quite that way. And don’t get me wrong, I do think Rio can give big speeches in emotional moments. Think 2.13, the way he prowled that loft and gave her a whole monologue on his emotions, but all veiled in threats. Rough Night didn’t veil his feelings, but I thought it would work because their trust had changed by that point, and he needed those words to progress their stagnation. But I would never give Rio an entire monologue like that in the absence of 50+ (or however is necessary) chapters of buildup and character development, allowing his character to feel the desperate need to behave so inconsistently with who he normally is.

Be careful about Rio, in particular, talking too much. This is maybe just my own preference (because I’ve seen people enjoy the catharsis of Rio finally making a grand speech in his own defense,) but nothing takes me out of a story more than when Rio suddenly begins to unload all his emotions without any building blocks getting him to that kind of openness. Think 20 questions. He had a lot to say in that confrontation scene. He was angry and hurt and also kinda cocky and smug because all Beth’s actions still chose him despite the ways she hurt him. But he couldn’t give her a speech laying it all out. He veiled it. He teased her and flirted with her and made her feel stupid for being the one who’s desperate and emotional and out of control. When in reality, Rio felt all those things too. And in the end he cut her as deeply as he could with almost no words at all. He used his presence, his oppressive sexuality, his knowledge of her in the most intimate of ways to cut her to the core and humiliate her in ways she would feel resonantly and for a long time. That’s how Rio fights.

Beth, on the other hand, is more verbal in her hostility, but remember, she has a problem with true vulnerability. Another thing that tends to take me out of a story is when Beth suddenly becomes too emotionally open and honest. She has the capacity for it in her inner monologue, but she rarely says what she means out loud in ways that expose her. She’s honest in moments of dishonesty. Think “if I have to bake another cookie I will die.” That is her truth, but she isn’t saying it in a true vulnerable way. She is intentionally using a small piece of her shameful darkness to manipulate and deceive. She uses others’ vulnerability to her advantage, even if she pretends to not notice or understand them. Think “that’s what I am? Work?” Oh, so you DID know he gives a damn about you then, right Beth? You just pretend not to so you didn’t have to experience the personal vulnerability of letting him down easy when you obviously used him for your personal means, thinking you two were done. See, she’s kinda like that. Manipulative yet also darkly honest when it suits her. Or when she’s giving us a rare glimpse that she truly sees and understands the vulnerabilities of the other person. “Gotta know if you’re good enough. / For you?” I mean, my god, her capacity for brutal and targeted honesty after she’s pretended to not know or not understand, all while veiling the actual truth in the process is like an art form. So writing her as too emotionally honest with her own vulnerabilities without (again) building those important building blocks toward character change would hit really OOC and, for me, ruins a really good story.

Take all this with a large grain of salt because what makes a fic “good” is so largely subjective. People like all sorts of things, but most of all, we love seeing Brio together, however that may be. A lot of the above is my personal preference and the things I think about when reading and writing Brio. But writing is a creative process so I think you and others should do whatever speaks to you. Helping us see your vision is what generally creates that magic and excitement about what we will find out next. Every author has their own voice and unique talents. I look forward to more fics in the fandom!!

[softpine]

fjksjdskj this is awesome, ily and i love talking about tlou!! i’m splitting your message into pieces so i can respond easier and also so i can put a read more for spoilers :)

this is my BIGGEST gripe with the tv show so far. it bothers me how quickly they jumped into the ellie who isn’t scared of killing / death / infection / destruction. i really dislike how they make her seem unfeeling and even made her ENJOY watching joel beat a man to death. it makes me feel so icky like that’s not my ellie. it’s just not. that’s not even grown up part 2 ellie. idk i was really hoping that as the story went on, i would warm up to it, but it just gets worse and worse. luckily this is my only major complaint, so hey, i’ll take it

well i wouldn’t say he’s gonna die SOON, that’s not until next season. and i’m very excited for it lmao but yeah pedro is doing such a great job!! he brings a different energy to joel, more quiet and reserved (which i didn’t realize it was possible to be more emotionally repressed than he is in the game lol), but i’m here for it! his voice is great and i felt the same way about tommy’s actor - his voice sounds just like the voice actor

same, i’m overall not a huge fan of the changes they made to tess. i like the emotional layers they gave her, so that she’s not just the tutorial anymore and she’s an actual person, but i wish she was just a LITTLE bit less soft. it doesn’t sit right with me that they made her joel’s second in command when the game makes it very clear that tess runs the show. i loved her death scene (yes even the uncomfortable kiss) but i guess i wanted just a little bit more from tess

100% agree!

i actually really like the shaky camera, except in scenes where the characters are sitting or standing still, then it becomes really obvious and dizzying. but otherwise i’m actually a fan. i feel you about the lack of lighting, but i have the same complaint about almost every show i watch these days. everything is so dull and dark now :( i feel like the second and third episodes had more impressive cinematography so i’m hoping they were just finding their footing and it’ll get better with time!

yessss i’m SUCH a nerd for anything regarding fungi and i especially love the mycelium lore. i love that they did their research and it shows

i actually think it was smart to cut the execution scene and replace it with the scene of the infected child being killed and burned, because man... it doesn’t get any more brutal than that. and to see joel throwing him in the fire with no visible emotion.. that was powerful. FEDRA does seem way more capable here. in the game, we see their skeletons everywhere, implying that they’re being picked off easily by the fireflies, but in the show, it feels more like a war going on between them, with both sides being equally powerful.

i really hope they keep this scene the way it is; this is one scene that i really don’t think needs any changes

yeah i’m super curious what he’ll be doing now that his purpose has changed so much! i don’t even have any guesses yet, i’m just waiting to see what happens

assuming you mean dina and yesss i really hope so! i wanted to see glimpses of abby, lev, dina, jesse, etc. but they probably won’t show any of them in season 1 because they didn’t know if they’d be renewed for season 2. but who knows!

overgrown cities and towns are my freaking jammm. i love seeing the earth take over

yes omg tell me how you liked it!! episode 3 was probably my favorite so far because of how unexpected it was. and don’t worry, i will never stop talking fjksjds i couldn’t even if i wanted to stop.. i hope you have a wonderful day too!! 💖

[cimeret]

I'm super late for this buuut I'm going to continue writing down some thoughts about Stampede. Haven't watched ep 9 yet, this will only be about 4 - 8.

So, I'm 8 episodes into Trigun Stampede, and my initial opinion of the series hasn't changed much. I'm still very much in love with the gorgeous visuals—there's more than one moment in every episode where I have to pick my jaw up off the floor! It's not just the action scenes with their creative camera movements, but also the pretty landscapes in the few quieter moments, or the way the series manages to portray horror and gore in a way that makes me physically cringe without going overboard. On the other hand, both pacing and characterization, while improving with each episode, are still a bit of a weak point for me in the new series.

The most beautiful thing about Stampede, though, is all the genuine enthusiasm and love I've seen for this series and the characters. I just love how positive the fanbase is. Reading the reactions or seeing people get creative after each new episode is almost the best part of watching! My dash is overflowing with love for these characters and their stories and I'm totally here for it! So I'm going to go along with that and will mostly just gush without restraint about all the things I love so far.

Obvious spoilers for Trigun Stampede (up to ep 8) under the cut (and also for the older series and the manga)

Is it just me or do the visuals get better every week? This series makes me want to run all the beautiful gifs and videos on an endless loop so I can just stare at them forever. I mean ... just look!

I go weak at all these long, long takes with their beautiful camera movements and Trigun Stampede definitely spoils me in that regard. And yet when the show's visuals most surprised me, it was in a totally different way. I wasn't prepared for the calm, contemplative scenes in the flashback with Livio and Wolfwood. Not only is their story itself heartbreaking and tragic—the soft 2D animation style, the silent film vibes, and music give these flashbacks a bittersweet yet eerie feel. They stand out from the rest of the series as if their story is part of a different, older universe. And how well that fits thematically with Wolfwood and Livio, whose entire lives have been revamped by the Eye of Michael. They have literally been forced into a new, more cruel story. Setting the flashbacks to the soft, lonely tones of a flute is ingenious; for me, this music captures the spirit and feel of the old series so well and triggers feelings of wistfulness and nostalgia, which made the flashback that much more emotionally effective. The soundtrack of the old series is iconic and I've tried not to make comparisons so far, because I feel like it sets up an impossible standard for any new adaptation. But again, this is where I'm starting to grow more and more fond of Stampede. I never skip the opening and I'm totally obsessed with the music video by Kvi Baba, which just bombards your brain with effects and colors and quick cuts until you become addicted. Studio Orange knows how to hook you with the visuals and they have proven that they can do not only loud and flashy scenes, but also quiet and soulful ones.

And I still wish we could have more of the latter. In my last review I said that I wanted this series to turn me into an emotional mess, and damn if Stampede didn't manage that more than once. It's the contrast between the quiet, sad and somber moments and the colorful, fast-paced, often gruesome action that draws me in the most. When Stampede finds that balance, the series is brilliant. And I could wax poetic again about Vash and how I think he's really the heart of this series because he embodies that contrast perfectly. I still miss his crazy antics from the old series and his funny and goofy personality, but I think there's also something to be said for this more repressed, softer Vash, for a much more open and direct portrayal of his issues like his depression, his eating disorder, his guilt and suicidal thoughts. Those things existed in the older series as well, but they were much more hidden under Vash's mask, often so well that they could even fool the viewer. And I don't mean to say that one approach is better than the other. Both have a lot to offer, and the more I think about it, the more I like that we now have two Vashs with similar problems and backgrounds, but with different personalities and ways of dealing with their struggles. I love haunted characters who are tortured by the narrative in increasingly cruel ways, beyond what any human should ever have to endure, and I love watching them getting back up and doing their best and smiling and fighting on and refusing to break down despite everything. Heroes are empowering. But there have to be moments when the mask comes off. There have to be moments when they're vulnerable and doubtful, moments when they lose their bravery and hope and either have to accept outside help or slowly pull themselves back together, because that's what ultimately makes them seem real and relatable and inspiring. I think this was done particularly well with ep 8. This is the lowest we've seen of Vash so far, and I hope that the flashback at this point wasn't just inserted to give viewers background on Vash and Knives and clear up some of the mysteries that have been building up over previous episodes. I hope that the issues raised by the flashback are also carried into the present timeline of the story, and that we get some strong character moments where Vash, for example, has to confront his past. A lot of things have been building up—Wolfwood and Livio and all the people trailing Vash, we have the tension between Wolfwood and Vash and their brief talks about ethics and morality, Meryl has the photo and so many questions, hints to Vash's identity as a plant have been revealed, Legato is hot on Vash's heels—at best, all of this should not merely serve as a setup for more brilliant action, but make for tense conversations between characters, drama and difficult decisions. I am more than curious where Stampede will take us! (And I really can't imagine how all this is going to be resolved in four episodes, so let's hope the rumors are true and we do indeed get more than 12 episodes.)

I could say so much more —about how the plants are portrayed in this series, about the atmosphere on the sand steamer, the awesome animation of the heavy machinery, the brief appearance of the Bad Lads Gang, about Brad and Luida.... But I want to talk very quickly about Meryl. I still think Stampede should take more time to develop her personality and her relationship with Roberto. By now I understand a little better the direction the show wants to go with the juxtaposition of the two: Roberto, the jaded superior who is trying to maintain a professional approach and would understandably rather stay out of trouble, and newbie Meryl, who is suddenly developing a personal interest in Vash and the events, and is tired of being a helpless and clueless bystander. So yes, I understand why they put her with Roberto instead of Milly. Roberto also gets a few moments where his character is more than a mere archetype or tool for exposition. And I hope they continue in that direction, because I think these two have a lot of potential.

The scene where Meryl stays in the control room of the sand steamer to trigger the cannon, and her speech to Roberto (and yay for the callback to Jeneora Rock and Tonis' injury!)—that scene had me crying and cheering for her. It was such an important moment. With all these superhuman men who are constantly getting riddled with bullets and losing so much blood that I feel sorry for their poor overworked kidneys and bone marrow that have to replace that amount ... yeah, it's easy to forget that Meryl is just a small human lady who has probably led a pretty sheltered life. (Not that life on Gunsmoke is easy for anyone, but it's different from the horrors that Vash, Wolfwood, Livio and co. have been through.) She doesn't have the physical strength of the other characters, and that makes her courage all the more remarkable and inspiring. The same goes for Roberto. In a way, these two are the characters that viewers can relate to the most, and I would love if Stampede didn't just use this fact to portray them as more or less passive agents who just uncover information and voice aloud all the questions that viewers are also wondering. Instead, I hope the series continues to show us what it does to ordinary human characters to witness these events, how it changes them psychologically, and how they begin to question themselves, their lives, and their values.

Because for me that's what Trigun is all about: what does it mean to be human, and how can we maintain our humanity despite this seemingly cruel and unjust life we're thrust into?

Anyway, I've been writing on this for so long that ep 9 should have dropped by now. So I'll dive right back in. It's actually quite nice to write these little reviews before watching the new episode, so that all the ideas and speculations are still fresh in the back of my mind. Since I'm expecting the new episode to be quite tense and heavy, with young Vash and Knives finally meeting each other, I'll probably be an emotional wreck for the rest of the day.

What a truly wonderful way to spend your Saturday!

[bookwyrminspiration]

My friend says she supports “pride”

I have no idea what that means. Im pretty sure she mean the g and l. She mentioned her friend being bi. So that’s another letter crossed off. Then there’s the t. I have no idea her opinions on trans people so that’ll remain unknown.

Then there’s other queer identities. I have no clue if she even knows what those are. Does she know my what my identities are? Would she support them if she knows?

It could be the very idea of pride and not specific identities? The fight against repression through history? The bright colors we use as symbols?

I could ask. But then that would be as bad as outing myself. She said it over a month ago. Why should I care? The only good reason here would be being a part of “pride”.

I want answers so bad. I want her to rant about trans people, either that or express support for bodily autonomy. Something. I want something. If she turns out to be a horrible person? I can live with that. I can live with the fact that she’s another part of my life I secretly hate. Id much rather her be outspoken about her hate than quiet about it. I need to know if I can trust her. I can deal with faking liking her but I can’t handle not knowing.

-🤲🏽

Hello again, Nonsie. I'm sorry you're in this situation where you're not safe or comfortable expressing yourself, it's incredibly unfair. It's uneasy enough trying to figure out what people believe and if you need to be careful around them when they're strangers; being friends is a whole other level of emotionally complicated. You don't want to lose them, but you don't want to be close to someone unpleasant. And you don't even know which you're facing yet.

I think what I would do in that situation is see if I could bring up the topic indirectly. Waiting would be first, but if I wait long enough without learning anything then it gets anxiety inducing. But if I could bring up something queer related without directly asking and without betraying my own thoughts, I could see how my friend would respond.

Something like "I heard about [thing] the other day," or "Did you hear about [thing]?" And then the [thing] would be some queer related topic. Like "Someone told me this one state is getting really strict with hormone treatment for minors," and by saying nothing else and keeping my face neutral, it's less of a direct question and I'm not revealing my own thoughts, only relaying information. I could cover how I know that by saying it's been all over the news, or that I overheard it somewhere, making it seem like I wasn't particularly invested but instead happened to find out.

Then, if my friend says something, I can assess where that falls, if I'd be more comfortable being a little more direct or if I need to reel it in. A little testing the waters while minimizing the risk to myself.

That's just how I'd probably proceed if I was in that situation, you don't have to do that. I don't know your situation or how at risk you are or if this would be applicable for you, it's just a tactic I've used in the past to gauge people's responses to things. And it can be used outside of queer issues as well.

Whether or not your friend is supportive, I hope you can find a place where you feel safe to be you and express yourself. If that person is involved or not, you deserve to have that. It sucks that we have to be this careful and to make these judgment calls on people, but you will find people that love and cherish you for you, regardless of how many people can't see through their prejudice.

I hope you're alright, and that you're safe <3

[bratz-kitten]

ASTRO OBSERVATIONS [part 5]

— people with jupiter in the 8th may experience an “abundance” of traumatic experiences throughout life, often relating to death; these are the people who truly feel like everyone they love ends up dying. at their worst, they can become desensitized to death— jupiter is ruled by sagittarius, a sign known for being in denial when in difficult situations in favor of optimism. these natives can pretend like nothing actually happened, or minimize the situation in their head so that they don’t have to face it.

— okay this might be a weird one... like, you know in asoiaf when arya was walking through the streets and was always like “i’m as quiet as a shadow”? that’s literally the energy of someone with planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house. these people are so stealthy. they’re able to move so quietly and without anyone noticing, both literally and figuratively. on one hand, they’re very quiet about their plans and ambitions to the point where other people only find out when they’re achieving success over it; on the other hand, they just. don’t like making noise while walking idk bitch you’ll only see me coming when i’m right beside you, i even get paranoid that i’m breathing too loud and that other people will hear 

— people with moon aspecting mars can be incredibly impulsive when they feel hurt or triggered. yall need to be careful with doing things in the heat of the moment that you know you’ll regret later... but in the moment, you feel so hurt that it clouds your rational side. please be more self-aware about this because you may make decisions that will directly affect you for the worse in the future 

— people with leo mars ft. constantly asking you for pictures... about anything. they just wanna SEE LMFAO THEY DON’T CARE WHAT IT IS THEY’RE SEEING. you just got ready to go out? “send pics of your makeup and your full outfit”. you’re waiting in a long boring line to get the covid vaccine? “send pics of the line”. your mom baked cake? “send pics of the cake”. plus they send so many random pictures while texting, it’s their special love language

— having moon conjunct moon/venus in synastry feels insane. you tell them something you’ve been through, and they’re immediately like “that happened with me as well.” it doesn’t even have to be something grand, sometimes just very specific things you thought were particular about you. the amount of understanding that comes with this aspect in synastry can feel very new and intense especially if you’re used to seeing yourself as the “odd one out”, used to feeling isolated in your experiences 

— people with pluto in the 1st house often feel the need to erase “traces” of their existence, for example deleting messages that they sent people, deleting all of their social media posts. they can feel anxious and paranoid about other people having access to their past self, even if the past self in question is from, like. a week ago 

— people with chiron in the water houses (4th/8th/12th) might’ve suffered bullying to the point where they repress their memories. a lot of their memories of their school years may feel foggy if they were bullied in those years

— also. people with chiron in the 8th house may feel as though they’ve been punished for wanting to experience intimacy. it’s like, the people who were supposed to be the closest to them – for example, their sibling or something – were the ones who hurt them the most. 

— people with mercury-neptune aspects and strong pisces/neptune energy in their birth chart might struggle with only remembering things when they’re right in front of them. you should keep things in your peripheral vision to remind you of reality, especially when it comes to feelings— so that you won’t start getting lost inside your own head. like... keep the letters your friends wrote you by your bedside table so you can read them every time your brain starts convincing you that you’re not loved. keep the gifts you’ve been sent on display in your bedroom wall, or sentimental material things that remind you of past happy experiences.

— earth placements and their thing for asmr... omfg. it’s like they’re always looking for things to up their sensory experience/sensitivity. like, earth signs are the ones most connected to worldly experiences so they feel so soothed with the whole asmr experience: just hearing someone gently whispering or tapping on/scratching things calms them down and helps them fall asleep. they love the tingles it’s heaven for them

— moon-saturn aspects might hold and caress themselves while they sleep because their parents never did. yes i woke up and chose violence <3 your secret is NOT safe with me 💋

— while we’re on the topic of sleeping, a majority of the pisces moons i know need to sleep while hugging something, at least a pillow. they can’t just not hug something while they sleep, it’s very instinctive for them. anyways if any pisces moon needs a pillow to hold, i volunteer as tribute 💋

— virgo placements feel sososo soothed by hearing their cats purr. thinking about how my virgo placement friends are always the ones who send me videos of them petting their cats... and then i get soothed by how soothed they feel. it’s a win win situation, if you have virgo placements it’s hereby your duty to send me a video of you petting your cat while they purr. right now. GO

— people with gemini in the 3rd house might have shaky movements of the hands when other people look at them doing things. very specific i know but the third house rules hands and gemini is a sign that has somewhat of an anxious, twitchy quality to it. on the other hand, people with capricorn in the 3rd house (scorpio risings, using whole signs) have the steadiest hands i’ve ever seen lol their movements ooze confidence, these bitches know how to make you feel as thought they know exactly what they’re doing

— people with venus in the 1st house ft. altering their pics with photoshop and hating posting selfies without filters because they never feel like their appearance is good enough. stop it. you don’t need to always look your best and especially not if your ‘best’ isn’t even what you actually look like. also... don’t even think about making self-deprecative jokes about your appearance. next time i find one of yall saying “ahaha im not bad for a 5 without talent” i’m squishing your head between 2 pieces of toast and calling you an idiot sandwich. you’re BEAUTIFUL 

— having venus in the 3rd house in composite with someone? do you mean calling each other the absolute ugliest nicknames in the most endearing way? 

— leo deals with themes of the ego, and it seems that leo placements often struggle with attracting narcissistic people into their life... leo suns/mercuries can be raised by loud, overbearing, narcissistic parents who see their kid as an extension of themselves and who teach the kid to always be very supportive and caring towards them or else they’ll deny them of words of affirmation-- either by insulting them to shatter their self-esteem or simply never complimenting the kid back. leo moons/mars/venus tend to attract narcissistic partners who only care about serving their own emotional needs and ignore the ones of their partner, and who feed off of their supportive and giving nature. which is why leo placements really need to watch out for being gullible, naïve and dismissing the red flags because my god, you be falling for some shady people. 

— people with personal planets in the 12th house/chart ruler in the 12th house might feel like they can’t let go of their past life— they may dream of memories, people or places from another life. it’s like they can’t detach from it, and even if they can’t directly remember their past life, it’s like they feel it in their bones. also, they might’ve felt... estranged from their family ever since childhood; there may have been feelings of being unable to emotionally connect to their (often, distant) parents, and they might’ve even wondered if they were adopted because of how different they felt to the rest of the family. 

— okay so, a thing that people with saturn in the 3rd house need to look out for is mentally checking out of conversations while they’re still happening. these people can detect when they’re being manipulated really fast and their way of dealing with it can be to immediately shut down, to grow cold and silent and not even bother answering when you’re expected to respond. and, like, that’s great when someone starts screaming at you or being insulting/trying to coerce you into shit, but take notice if you find yourself shutting your loved ones out as soon as they say anything that triggers you. don’t simply detach from them, communicate what’s wrong

— aries placements, ESPECIALLY aries suns and moons, value generosity so much and they get so turned off by stingy ppl who don’t share with others, especially when others need it. like.. if you’re hanging out in a group with them and someone asks for a bite of your food because they have no money and you say no... espect them to never respect you. ever. 

— people with libra placements use soooo many adjectives to describe things. something can’t just be beautiful, it has to be DIVINE and CELESTIAL and INTOXICATING. they can be so expressive god it’s so fcking funny 

— capricorn placements HATE asking others for advice because they think no one knows better than them (and they’re not wrong, lol). when they truly care for someone, they might ask the person for advice simply as a sign that they respect, trust and value their judgement. even if they don’t plan on taking it LMFAO 

— people with mars in a water sign can have this terrible habit of expecting other people to guess what they want. and then they get passive agressive when you don’t instinctively feel what it is they want... and when you ask them “do you want this?”, they go like “FINALLY. i thought you’d never get there”. stop it. i know that you want people to understand you in a way that transcends words, but you can’t expect people to read your mind and then get disappointed when they don’t, thinking “oh if they loved me that much then they would’ve known that i really want chipotle for dinner :(” GIRL WHAT. COMMUNICATE YOUR NEEDS  

[spilledkauffie]

SFW (Fluff) Alphabet · Zemo

List made by @caitlinpotter || Sorry I’ve been so absent this week; I promise I have content for the weekend!

*xFemale!Reader || NSFW Alphabet ❤︎

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Quite affectionate— he loves giving you affection, and it’s all across the board with him. It can be from soft sweet touches to actual affectionate actions done for you.

Full HC list on this soon! ✧

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend?)

Literally the best— for starters he’s super loyal, because if you’re truly friends with him he’s not giving up on you easily. Your friendship wasn’t exactly easy to get to, mostly thanks to his profession, but once you’re in, you’re in. 

100% defensive of you— anyone tries to come at you in any negative way, he’s got a comeback to absolutely destroy them. Also, having someone of his reputation around can be beneficial for when you want to be left alone, as he seems to intimidate people a little bit.

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

When you cuddle him— he loves it when you just come over without saying a word and cuddle up next to him, he doesn’t ask questions he just lets you get as close and be as cute as you want. Sometimes he has to chuckle at just how physically needy you are, like absolutely burying your face against his back, nuzzling softly, with your arms around him in an attempt to get his attention / also loves waking up to you cuddled right up against him.

When he cuddles you— he can just tell when you need it, so often times he reaches out for your hands with a “come on, come here,” naturally, you give in, he pulls you into a hug, slightly rocking you back and forth. It’s a lot of soft touches and feathery kisses.

↳ if you’re lying on your stomach, he’ll lie down with you. Resting his head on the small of your back, brushing his fingers across or down your back, sometimes he places soft kisses against your skin, which always gets your attention. You either: 1). turn on to your side, he hooks and arm between you legs and uses your thigh as a pillow. 2). you lay on your back, letting him rest against your stomach, gradually he makes his way up to give the corner of your lips a kiss.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they around the house?)

For sure— it’s not long before you’re practically living with him. Now that you’re in his life, he wants you around for everyday life; what is his very soon becomes yours. You picked up on it when he started to suggest “why don’t you stay here... tonight? And maybe tomorrow?” more often.

Around the house— he’s quite casual. You never feel expected to get up at a certain hour (regardless that he gets up early), you’re never expected to be downstairs and dressed immediately, it’s more of a calm atmosphere that lets you wake up. You don’t constantly have to be around each other, he knows space is important. Sometimes it’s just doing your own things in the same room in silence together. Despite the status of Baron, he behaves like your average individual around the house, he likes to do things himself.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

It’s actually really hard for him— it’d have to be in person though, as hard as it would be. For starters it would take a lot for him to actually call it over, he’s extremely patient and an expert at working things out with you, because he truly doesn’t want to it end.

↳ a most likely situation for ending it would be that he can’t guarantee your safety due to whatever he’s getting himself into, and he’d rather make the call to let you go than to have no choice in truly losing you because of his own dangerous choices. 

He’d leave it open though— sitting across from him, you stay quiet after both coming to the conclusion that it’s over. However, he leaves you with: “if you ever need anything, in any way. . .” you nod, a few tears falling as you stay silent, staring forward. Coming over to you, he softly wipes a tear away, kissing your temple, whispering, “I’m sorry,” before walking away.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

He’s definitely committed in the relationship— ring or no ring, if you’re in a relationship with him he’s all in, not the type of person to just have a fling here and there. It’s total dedication to you, and you only. 

Considering he’s done it once before—there’s a lot of past memories surrounding the topic of marriage for him, which is why there’s probably going to be a good amount of time together before any proposal. He just wants to be sure, plus there needs to be time to talk everything out before rushing into anything. 

↳ when the time does come though, it’s a mad romantic, but personal proposal, with the most gorgeous ring in the world.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Physically— he’s super soft with you. He never wants to startle you, it’s always what you’re comfortable with. Touches are more than just flirtatious with him, they can be comforting, encouraging, supporting, etc. (He also knows what you’re not comfortable with as well so he can avoid it)

Emotionally— it’s a little more complicated. With your emotions he’s super gentle and understanding, always. He listens to anything and everything you say or just need to vent. He doesn’t interrupt and only gives his thoughts when you ask for them. He never intends to hurt you feeling either, he’s very careful. However, with his own emotions however, he’s a little harsher. He doesn’t really like to show any of the more complicated emotions. And doesn’t always give himself much grace for feeling certain ways, he tends to repress.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? What are their hugs like?)

Only from you— he doesn’t really like other people getting friendly, unless he really really knows them, even then it’s different. He doesn’t get physical with other people unless it’s a “move— you’re in my way,” situation, but that doesn’t count as friendly.

Extremely handsy— he love to bring his arms around you, so he can completely hold you whilst hugging you. Whether it’s around your waist, shoulders, hips, etc., just depends how the hug is done. He also tends to stroke his hands when hugging you, up and down your arms, back, sides, thighs, wherever.

↳ he likes to nuzzle against your neck, during front or back hugs, with the bridge of his nose, or his lips. He also gives tender kisses while he has you so close. Not kisses with other intentions, just sweet loving kisses that make you smile. Sometimes he brings his hand under your jaw, to tilt your head just enough so he can kiss your lips.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes time, but it’s not forever— when he knows he will tell you with no hesitation. He doesn’t debate telling you or worry about it being too bold, nope, he means it when he says it and he says it when he means it.

He also says it in different ways— it’s not always “those three words,” through his gestures and other phrases you hear I love you a lot.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Not if it’s someone you’ve known before him— he’s not intimidated by pervious friendships that predate your relationship. 

When people flirt with you knowing he’s with you— he gets real jealous, real fast. Given that fancy occasions are kind of a routine thing, you’re around a lot of other people who want to flirt with you, and often do pretty openly. It’s rare that Zemo ever leaves your side, which helps, but that doesn’t stop people from trying, which he hates. Typically he just tries to keep you physically near, so he can be there to prevent it.

↳ one time he left to get you a drink and an old rival of his found you. Trying to be polite you remained in conversation, feeling fine until he caressed your shoulder. Almost immediately Zemo was back at your side. Handing you your drink civilly, with a “here you are, Darling,” he then glared at the man standing across from you. Not so subtly, Zemo slipped his arm around you, literally pushing off the unwanted hand and replacing it with his own. You leaned into him more, attempting to make a point, as Zemo continued giving a half smile half glare.

He doesn’t do much about it in aftermath— he’ll calmly admit to you that he was jealous, but he also gets you with “I understand why people want to talk, flirt, and be with you,” he shrugs, “you’re beautiful, they’d have to be blind not to see that, but yes,” he tilts his head, “but. . . I have to admit, there’s part of me that wants that only to myself, of course.” It makes you smile how calm he tries to keep himself, despite the frustration. It’s usually you who actually does anything after these type of conversations though.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Lightly running fingers up your neck— when he’s kissing you, he traces his fingers slowly up the side of your neck, until he reaches your jaw, there he strokes his thumb across your jawline.

Holding your hand— sometimes when you’re flirting with him, you like to get as close as possible without touching, he knows the game and subtly slips his fingers between yours, then he goes in for the kiss. He can feel your smile and your hands hold his tighter as you give in.

Hand kisses— he gives these whenever, wherever, and however often he can. It’s a cute way of showing affection in a very classy way. He uses them as hello / goodbye greetings, although typically you require more than a kiss on the hand for saying goodbye.

Soft, but turns into more— it starts out as a super sweet gentle kiss, but slowly you can feel it deepen, to which you usually break the kiss with a smile, “Helmut,” you laugh, holding onto his arms around you, as he moves his mouth to your neck, “I don’t have time for this,” you try to stop giggling.

As for himself— he loves the taste of you lips, so every time you kiss him, he adores it. However, there is a sweet spot at the base of his neck, that when you kiss there makes him stop mid sentence.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Fantastic— he’s actually perfect with kids. Maybe it’s past experience that plays into it, but he’s so sweet with kids. When they accidentally run into him, he gives a “be careful, little one,” before stepping out of their way. Something you’ve noticed is that he talks to them like they’re little adults, which is adorable.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

Staying in bed— one way or another one of you convinces the other to stay in bed. Sometimes it’s him asking you to stay just a little bit longer, when you can’t, he understands and watches you get dressed, asking what your day looks like. / Other times it’s you compelling him that it’d be more fun to stay and cuddle with you.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Relaxing— it’s a calm, safe, and warm environment when you can both just relax from the day in each other’s arms. Sometimes you’ll lean back against him and ask what he’s reading, when he says Machiavelli, you smile and get cozy, “perfect, that sends me right off,” you close your eyes as he begins to read aloud.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

He’s not an open book— there’s a lot of history with him, some good, but also some bad. Even before the whole campaign to end Super Soldiers, he has a bit of a shady past, with his own military exploits. Some he’s made amends with, others he hasn’t.

Depends how much you already know— if you already know a good amount about him, 1). he’ll ask to even the playing field, so he can know you equally as well 2). he doesn’t mind you asking questions since you’re already aware of his general history.

Surface level stuff— interests, fascinations, favourite this-or-thats, he’s pretty open about though! He doesn’t mind sharing or talking about any of the casual topics about himself, it’s just the more personal stuff that takes time.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

He’s extremely patient— The only way you would know is by a facial expression. His looks give him away more than his words or attitude does.  

↳ if you’re not getting along, he’s the first to apologise, and it’s not an “I’m sorry” end of conversation apology. It’s a well thought out apology, because you don’t argue about the little stuff, it’d have to be something big to get you at odds for a while.

Silently frustrated— even if he gets mad, he keeps his cool in circumstances. Never raises his voice, his tone just gets a little deeper.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

He remembers everything— seriously, he does not forget anything. You’re his number one priority, so of course he pays attention. Even if there’s something you just mention at random, he’ll remember it. Say you mention how you used to have/like/want something, there’s a good chance it’s showing up again.

He also asks— he’s genuinely curious about you and wants to know as much as he can about the person he’s in love with. So, he loves childhood stories, random details, and little quirks about you.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

The moment you said those three words— when you know everything about him, his past, his lifestyle, and you still decided to say I love you. And you still standing by it even though it meant waiting for him.

He also loves remembering the first time he saw you— he says he could never forget it, it was like a divine beauty just walked in.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you?)

Veryyy— he’s extremely protective of you, but not overbearing, he’s good a being distantly or subtly protective. In other words in public / at events / new places he keeps an eye on you, even if it’s from a distance.

He will literally do anything— there’s no limit with how far he’d go to protect you from anything or anyone, even if he knows he’s outmatched, he’ll find a way.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Dates— he puts a lot of effort into them, mainly trying to make it a perfect yet comfortable setting. So if you like quiet restaurants, that’s what he’ll find. If you like outdoors, he’ll find a stunning walkthrough garden, etc.

Celebrations— it’s always extravagant and grand and beautiful whenever you’re celebrating anything with him. He wants you to feel like the royalty he believes you are.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

How easy criminal life is for him lol— you love the fact that he surprised you with a real classic art piece for your birthday, but the exact details on how he got it isn’t as pretty. You frequently ask if there’s any other way he could make a living.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

He’s not vain— despite the fancy and classy lifestyle, he’s never thought himself as an individual of great beauty. He likes beautiful things, which is why he says he was so attracted to you, but personally he doesn’t think much of himself.

He cares though— it’s not like he doesn’t care whatsoever, which is why he’ll usually ask you “what do you think of this?” in regards to fashion. He wants to look nice for you, and he knows how to do that. But he’s not the guy to check himself in the mirror, or constantly fret about his looks.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

He doesn’t need a relationship— but that’s what makes your so special. Since he’s not the type to just constantly need someone to feel complete, the fact that he does need you make you and your relationship all the more important to him.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habits of theirs?)

He can crash literally anywhere— you’ve found him on the couch, on the floor, in a chair, and you have no idea why it’s a habit of his, but it is! And you have definitely addressed him about it before.

↳ walking in to his study, you found him asleep on the floor between the couch and coffee table, shaking your head and crouching down, you woke him up. Looking up to you, you asked, “Helmut, why are you sleeping on the floor?” / “Hmm- wh- I’m not on the floor, you’re on the floor,” he states sitting up, brining you into a hug with him.

[thesunicarusfellfor]

Your so great at writing omg- so could you do a part two of the yandere techno and philza?

And other idea for a different request!

Maybe ghostbur? 👀 With florist reader? And someone burned down there shop so they are very upset so ghostbur comforts them and helps build then a new one?

Again please take as long as you need.

- Your beloved Moosh ( platonically! :3)

Moosh, darling! Hello! How are you doing today? Part two of the yandere Tech and Phil chapter is up! Thank you for your requests, your ideas are just chefs kiss!

This is a tad bit short. I really really have to get out of the habit of writing 10k+ stories, because then I have no energy to write the other requests that have been waiting for a while <3

Also. This turned out to be angstier than I had hoped...

TW: Depression, emotion repression, large mentions of past Wilbur x Reader

Dead Blue Flowers (C!Ghostbur x GN!Depressed!Reader)

How...? How did this happen?

You tried so hard to remain neutral in this war, even going as far as to avoid telling people your opinions on things. Wasn't raising your tax weekly back when Schlatt was in control enough?

You just gave people flowers, for god's sake! Why did they have to burn the shop to nothing but cinders?!

Standing in front of the charred frame of your shop that had once been your prized possession. Every dollar you had raised, every smile that appeared on the faces of people you gave flowers to... You remembered the genuine smile on Wilbur's face when he gave you this plot of land to build whatever store you wanted...

Now it was all ashes that slipped through the cracks between your fingers...

"(Y/n)?" An echoing and airy voice echoed through your ears and you glanced up slightly to see a pair of shoes levitating a few inches off the ground, "What happened to your shop- Oh, you're crying, here. Take some blue. Calm yourself."

Crying?

While the levitating figure dug around, trying to find this so-called blue, you rose your hands up and touched your cheeks to find them slightly damp. When you pulled your hands away, a small cold pouch of blue dye was carefully placed in your hands, causing a small shiver to crawl down your spine, "Thanks, Bur..." You whispered softly, trying to smile to calm him down, but you just found your eyes welling up with more tears, so you put your head down in an attempt to hide them from your ghost friend.

"Did it not work? Perhaps that blue was broken..." Ghostbur reached into his small bag with his dye-stained fingers, digging around for a pouch of dye that wasn't 'broken'. You could feel a faint bit of panic in his voice as he mumbled about how blue always worked for him, so he didn't know why it wasn't working for you.

"No, Bur... It's just... I don't know what to do. My shop is gone. It was my pride and joy. Now I don't have anything left..." You murmured, holding the, now two, dye-filled packages in your cupped hands, "Even the cornflower seeds I used to make the blue flowers I gave you... They're nothing now... His mem- I'm nothing now..."

Ghostbur was panicking and the blue clutched in his hands was evident of that, "No, no! Don't say things like that! Come, come-" He gave a few coughs, his negative emotions seeming to affect him physically as well as emotionally.

You slowly pushed yourself up into a standing position, rubbing your eyes with your sleeves as your fingertips were tainted with dye. While you didn't feel much happier, despite Ghostbur's best efforts, you knew that emotionally he couldn't handle your sadness, "Thanks, Bur. I do feel much happier thanks to your blue. I'm gonna head home now." You gave him your best smile, watching as the sweater-wearing spirit studied your eyes to see if you were lying.

"Oh, okay!" The ghost perked up slightly, but his smile looked a tad bit hollow in your eyes. Guess you were in no place to judge, you did just give your best friend a smile to get him to stop panicking... Was this emotion suppression? Probably. Yeah. Ah well... As long as he's happy now. "I'm gonna go see Phil now, maybe you should come to visit sometime soon. He makes really good tea and biscuits."

"Yeah... I'll hop by his place sometime soon." You gave him the empty promise, knowing very well you didn't want anything to do with social interactions for quite a while until you found something else to put your time towards.

Over the next few days, Ghostbur would wait outside your house for you to come out and walk with you to your flower shop, but he then began to realize that you had nothing to walk to. Hell, you didn't have a reason to leave your house anymore... There was no point in coming outside. After standing under the awning above your front door for a few moments, he got an idea in his head, so he set off towards the house of Alivebur's father.

"Phiiiiiil?" He called softly, opening the front door to see the injured avian sitting in his chair in front of the fireplace, "Ah, Philza! Just the man I wanted to see!"

"Hey mate," The blond greeted softly, setting his cup of tea down on the table before getting up to properly interact with the ghost of his son, "What do ya' need from me?"

For a few seconds, hesitance filled Ghostbur's veins. He hadn't completely thought through this idea and didn't even know how you or Phil would react to it, "My ange- best friend, (Y/n)... Well, they were very very important to Alivebur, and I still have many happy memories of them... But they aren't happy now because someone burnt down their flower shop... They haven't left their house in a few days, and I'm getting a really bad feeling, Phil!" Despite the fact that a pouch of blue was tightly grasped in his hands, the ghost didn't seem to be feeling any calmer, ultimately chalking it up to the flowers he had made the dye out of must've been from a bad place.

Philza grabbed onto the ghost of his son, giving a faint hiss of pain at the icy buzz that attacked his palms, but ignored it and kept his hands on his son's shoulders. Or what was left of the son he killed, "Wil- Ghostbur. Calm down. I want you to go visit them and make sure they're still okay-"

"But I think they'll only be okay if their shop is built! I want to rebuild it for them!" Ghostbur whined softly, not exactly understanding why he felt so strongly towards you, "Alivebur really really cared about them, which means I care about them. And they're sad, even with the blue I gave them..."

Phil pursed his lips together, trying to keep quiet about exactly why Wilbur cared about you so much, "Okay, okay... I want you to go visit them and find the blueprints of their shop... If-If you can't, then I'm sure we can build something similar... Just please, make sure they're alive, eating and taking care of themselves..."

"Alive? Of course they're alive- right? right, Phil?" Ghostbur hiccuped slightly, bringing up his dye-stained fingers to his mouth in shock when the avian hesitated, "Phil?"

"Just, go check on them Wil... Please."

Without another word, the ghost hurried out the door and looked up at the rapidly darkening sky, as he floated towards the person his alive self adored so greatly. "(Y/n)... Why did Alivebur care for you so much? Why did he want you in his life so bad?" When the transparent male arrived at your door, he hurriedly pounded his fists on the door before pressing himself against it to hide under the awning as rain began to sprinkle down from the sky, "(Y/n)! Please, it's raining!" He cried, not wanting to melt.

There was a few seconds of silence before there was a rushing sound of footsteps coming from the inside of the house. Before the ghost could react, the door flew open, causing him to tumble onto the floor inside the house, "Bur! You should've checked the weather!"

He looked up at his saviour... And gave the softest smile he's ever worn. Even it had only been a few days, he began to realize just how much you meant to him as well, not just Alivebur. You were a guardian angel... A saviour from reality...

"Y-yeah, I know..." You murmured, trying to flatten down your unbrushed hair before shrinking away from your friend's gaze and into your oversized sweater that had once been Wilbur's, "I haven't really bothered to... Uhm... manage my appearance..."

"No worries, angel..." He blurted out, causing you to flinch as you stared at him. He didn't even know why he called you that to be completely honest, but he pushed himself off of your floor and dusted himself free of invisible dust, "Why haven't you been coming outside? I've been waiting outside for you every day... Phil was also worried about you losing a life in here alone!"

Pursing your lips together, you couldn't help but avoid the gaze of the ghost as you shut the door, "Sorry Bur, I've just been really tired..." You gave him a tired smile, but this time it didn't work on the poor ghost.

"I- I uhm... I know I'm forgetful, I know I'm an amnesiac, but I still feel this... I still feel things, and I try my best to make sure no one else feels it... But it's not working for helping you." He nervously grabbed onto a pouch of blue in his messenger bag, gritting his teeth together for a moment, "I figured out why that shop means so much to you... It's because it was a gift from Alivebur... Your lover... And now you feel like you have nothing left to hold his memory."

He watched as your eyes went wide and beginning to fill with tears before he went to his bag, going to grab some blue for you, but he paused upon seeing something else. A cornflower, one that never got turned into a dye, but it was withered and dead from being in the bag for so long, "Wil-Gho... Bur..." You hiccuped, trying to form words to create an apology, but your throat felt like it was tied in knots.

"That's also why you call me Bur... Because you don't want to accept that Aliv-... Wilbur... Is now a ghost..." He walked closer to you and put his hand on your arms, thankfully you were wearing a sweater to prevent frostbite from attacking your skin, "And that's okay! It's okay, (Y/n), you loved him... And he loved you, which means I love you... but I know you need time to cope with Al- Wilbur's... Death..." He carefully reached up and took your wrist, bringing your hand up into view so he could press the dead cold cornflower into your palm, "Until then, I'll stay by your side as your best friend..."

You slowly reached up and put your hand against his cheek, even though the contact burned your fingertips and he hardly felt solid... He was there... "Thank you... Ghostbur." You lowered your hand and smiled down at the dead flower in your palm.

"Now, come on, let's get you cleaned up! Me and Phil will help you rebuild your flower shop... When the rain lets up of course!"

[plutoswrath]

Hi!Is DK’s personality analysis post deleted?I am not sure if I remember correctly but you said you made some mistake in calculations in the previous post.Will you post a fresh analysis please?Thank you

Hello! Thank you for writing me regarding the analysis of his birth chart, I get right to it!! Disclaimer: As we don't have DK's birthtime, the following will be rather vaguish compared to an analysis with his house placements!

Analysis of DK's Natal Chart

♡ Aquarius Sun with Cancer Moon: gives the potential for someone who is really really good at understanding how people work, air and water mixed usually have a bad rep, but when you mix the archetype of the nurturer, the mother figure and the humanitarian, the revolutionist, you can get someone highly empathetic and philanthrophic in nature. Searches for ways to connect authentically with people and is probably highly influenced by the moods of others and overall vibes (even if it's hidden). Can be actually very clever about what to do and how it'll influence someone's emotional state and influence a group. Can really bring a high self-awareness of how people subconsciously influence others. Can create a 'mask' though, not in the way of being fake, but rather trying to express feelings in a logical and more 'acceptable' way instead of just being more in tune with them and letting them flow out.

♡ Moon square Mars and Saturn: It's actually part of a T-square with the Moon being the apex planet, so can be pretty much victim of his own emotions because they call the shots here - very interesting combination, I would best describe it as emotionally repressed and unexpressed with a tendency to boil down/blow up when emotional needs get too neglected (especially a Cancer Moon can fall quickly into a sulky, yet surprisingly stoic behaviour when emotional needs are not met - being detached of the outside world and fully immersed into ones emotional realm, can possibly be perceived as needy for no reason). Anyways, someone has written me once that the other Seventeen members have said DK actually cries a lot and is more emotional than he shows on camera (naturally), and this would make sense with Saturn putting a big fat 'no' sticker onto emotions, while Mars constantly pokes from underneath and tries to get a reaction, especially when it's about about getting what one wants/fulfillment of emotional needs. This doesn't mean DK is unreasonable or an emotional mess btw, but simply that due to poor emotional development and fulfillment/allowance of emotional needs (Saturn square Moon), one can become either very detached emotionally or extremely reactive (Mars squre Moon) and if communication isn't the best than it can come across as unreasonable/very hard to understand for those around him. Especially since Mars and Saturn are in an opposition and that already adds to difficulty in healthy understanding of ego/ development of ego.

♡ Pluto square Sun: Lots and lots of willpower!! I know harsh Pluto aspects get always automatically doomed, but the positive potential of this negative aspect is the possibility of a strong need to win/'survive' and thus in a competetive environment like the music industry this can be actually quiet beneficial, even though it can come hand in hand with a fear of betrayal/lonliness

♡ Aquarius Venus and Libra Mars (r): Probably really enjoys just having a great time with his friends or people in general, I can see him even making the smallest moments a joyous experience. I think with his Mars being also in a trine with Pluto, and a sextile to his Mercury and Jupiter, he probably carries a lot of charisma and knows how to raise (or influence) the mood of social settings (even though tbh with Mars in retrograde and all this Aquarius and Cancer influence in his chart there are definitely potentials to be a big people pleaser or pushover at times). Mental connections are a must, probably enjoys people with good social skills like him, but I guess he's flexible and open minded enough to be able to vibe with almost every type of person, he's probably good in helping people get out of their shells/making them feel comfortable! This is just a guess of course, but I feel DK is the right person to tag along to a party where you don't know not a lot of people, probably makes it really easy for everyone to get to know each other and losen up a bit

♡ Generally speaking I feel like his Cancer Moon can really heavily influence his social battery, like it runs the risk of getting down to 0 real quick if something triggers him subconsciously and cances are he has a harder time even realizing that, regardless if he's more extroverted or not. Doesn't mean that someone suddenly changes the whole demeanor from one second to other though, Cancer Moon especially in Air Sun can be really good in concealing emotions

♡ Moon inconjunct Mercury: Communicating feelings and getting ones point across could be difficult, therefore he might have problems reading situations/people well too. Can actually be an aspect that adds to expression of feelings through singing, especially since Aquarius and Cancer have lots of creative energy that they can express well in the arts!

[milkiijustwrites]

can i rq platonic kel story/hcs with a gender neutral reader whose kinda emotionally repressed and like suffering from depression?

like they’ve shut everyone else out and push everyone away but kel’s like relentless and really wants to hang out with them and be their friend because he sees sunny in them and wants to break them out of their shell and be there for them bc they’re going through stuff and it’s clear but kel wants them to be happy. yannow?

idk i just like stories of emotionally repressed people letting it all out and forming a close human bond with someone.

" Don't worry , don't worry..."

A/N: PLEASE , I understand it's kinda reasurring ngl, to see them happy in the end. maybe you're into Hurt comfort ig- and I don't think I can write well in that so uh- PREPARE FOR CRINGE IG

#🌧️

Pairings: + Kel Omori

Warnings: + mentioned depression

" ... Y/N? "

You hear knocks on the door.., the pounding noises sounded more brighter than usual as the house is all quiet...

You have no idea who is out there, but the voice sounds familiar.

Kel

How did he come in? Why did he do so? You asked, in your head, but having no intention on knowing the answer

You're tired , you don't want anyone's concern , you just wanted a break..,

At least that's what you thought

Hearing no reply from the inside, Kel got worried and felt scared, what happened inside? He wanted to go in immediately but this will obviously make you feel uncomfortable

With doubts flying around in his head, he decided to open the door by himself and check up on you

He can't help it, he's worried, of his best friend..,

He slowly opened the door , trying his best not to make noises to scare you, the room is clean and quiet and dark, a figure sits beside the colourful bed , hugging their legs as well as hiding their head by looking down.

Kel slowly walked towards you, squatting down to have the same vision as you, he then sat beside you, looking at the flowing curtains in front of both of you

" .. what"

You stated out, softly, along with a breathy feeling at the end and a little hoarse in it

" nothing, just worried "

Kel stated, smiling as he was still looking at the curtain while doing so, well.., that is indeed the only reason he's here

".. I don't know if I'm happy or annoyed on your actions"

Still looking on the floor, you let out a soft sight along with your words, you're not lying, the feelings you're having right now feels complicated, and you're having a hard time dealing with it

Do I hate Kel for worrying me? Or do I feel appreciated?

You thought to yourself, not knowing the answer for this.

".. are you sure.. you don't want to talk about it?"

Kel sounds worried, he really do. Hearing your sighs and your hoarse voice, he couldn't help but feel .. sad.. and .. hurt

"...

...

...

It's just that..., I feel worthless"

Silence stayed in the room for not so long after you decided to rant about it to Kel.

You don't want him to worry and maybe, just maybe..., You would feel a bit better after ranting..,

It is Kel after all, you trust him, very much.

"nothing happened, no trauma, no nothing .. but sometimes I just feel like, maybe ... The world doesn't really need me, maybe.. people don't really like me.. maybe.. maybe I don't even like myself at all"

You spat all the things you wanted to say out, your feelings,your emotions, your words... All fell out like drips of water,

You don't know why , but tears started falling down as well, this.., isn't even something you should cry about

Maybe, .. that it's because you've been enduring about it.. too long

Kel listens ,

He sat beside you looking over to your direction, listening to every sob you let out, he wants to do something, but he knows , that that's maybe not what you wanted,

" I don't know I don't know I, don't... Know..! "

"what . What is wrong with me?"

You lifted up your head, tears sticking all over your face, you don't mind how bad you look right now, youre just.. miserable

".. I'm .. this is probably a phase Y/N.. I'm sure of it.. "

Kel stated out softly, slightly unsure on what he's saying but said it anyway, he's just...trying his best to comfort you.

" it's hard, this phase is hard Kel, I'm suffering , those voices in my head .., they won't stop!"

You let away your Image and rant it all out, no one had ever seen this side of you, but you don't care anymore , this feeling inside of you is bugging you, and you just want to stop it

" listen !"

You got surprised by Kel's sudden yell, he pulled you into his arms, hugging you, as he softly speak beside your ears,

" I'm so sorry that you've been through that.., it's a phase and I'm sure you'll get through it real soon, you're an amazing person that I've always admired , I mean it, I really do, you can do it Y/N , please believe me , it hurts.. it really hurts to see you like that!"

...

..

.

You cried as loud as you can, tears never stop falling down from you cheek to the ground, the warmth covered you, but Kel's hands are cold, you hold them tightly,

It doesn't matter if anyone's seeing right now

It doesn't matter if you'll get gossiped at

You feel warm

You feel, well

Reasurred

Thank you kel

[kotokoharrow]

Case Study 001: Haruka Sakurai

Note that this analysis is based around my own views. I do not present my way of interpreting Haruka as fact, and I am sharing this to see if others agree with me. If you disagree, you are more than welcome to say so and we can discuss it!

Content Warning: This analysis contains discussion of: Animal abuse and death, child abuse and death, emotional abuse, child neglect, murder, flashbacks and nightmares. Please proceed with caution if you are sensitive to any of these topics!

Evidence List:

Haruka’s Profile

Haruka’s Voice Drama

Undercover

Weakness

Two Breaths Walking

Voice Line

Timeline Convo

Character Analysis

A young male prisoner, quiet with downcast eyes. During Es’ early interrogations, he offered only a few constrained words in response. However, he has gradually become more talkative, forming an emotional bond over the course of his interviews. Once one begins to converse with him, his gentle pre-disposition is revealed.

He has a meek temperament and, even in Milgram, does not appear to be dissatisfied. Barely manages to communicate with Es and the other prisoners. However, during conversations, as if some meaning is lost along the way, there is a disconnect.

Haruka is a teenager with a very low opinion of himself, shown in his attitude in his voice drama and the lyrics of his song. When he appears in Undercover, he is shown wringing his hands together, avoiding looking at the camera, and when he finally does shows an unhappy expression. These pieces of his body language show that he is an anxious boy.

Haruka doesn’t appear to be very bright, with his song being written in hiragana, and he struggles to follow along with everything that Es says to him in his voice drama. He even says himself that he isn’t very bright. However, this is likely a result of his mother’s treatment of him, as he hasn’t been allowed to develop as he should have.

The shot in Undercover that shows his room shows young children’s toys on the floor. This, along with his speech patterns, show that he remains in a child’s mindset, despite being 17 years old. I believe that this is due to him becoming ‘stuck’ at an age where he experienced a traumatic event as a child - the event that revolved around fireworks and the girl in his MV.

Haruka’s primary motivation is love. He was neglected and emotionally abused by his mother his whole life, and so has been deprived of the love that most people receive from their parents. Despite love being his motivation, he shows in his interrogation questions that he doesn’t really understand what it is - he just knows that he wants it.

While his primary motivation is love, Haruka’s primary fear is abandonment. He is also afraid of being deceived, which again ties into his fear of abandonment. Haruka believes that everyone will leave him when they learn what he has done, and also believes that he will bring misfortune to others. This belief of bringing misfortune to others is likely a belief that his mother gave to him.

Haruka avoids situations and things that remind him of his trauma, such as animals and small children. This, as well as imagery in his MV, his mother’s treatment of him and his general personality, lead me to believe that he experiences PTSD.

The kanji in his given name means ‘far’ or ‘distant’, which likely references his personality, and the fact that he finds it difficult to get close to and communicate with others, due to having been deprived of connections for most of his life.

MV Analysis

I believe that Weakness takes place after Haruka has committed his crimes, and that it’s showing events from his past in the form of nightmares and flashbacks, which is why they appear distorted and there is heavy symbolism. As a result of this, even what we see in the MV is ambiguous as to whether it really happened, as dreams are not always literal and even with flashback-type nightmares, key facts can appear different to what happened in reality.

At the beginning of the MV, we see Haruka sitting in front of a dressing table, looking at himself in the mirror. The table is likely his mothers, as the perfume bottles on it seem to belong to a woman. Behind Haruka, we can see a window that shows that it’s daytime, but when his reflection in the mirror changes into his younger self, we can see that it is night-time outside (with red sky and a full moon). As the image changes, I believe this is Haruka experiencing a flashback, or perhaps a sign that he is having a nightmare.

I also believe that Haruka experiences PTSD as a result of his mother being emotionally abusive and neglectful towards him. I believe that this mistreatment when he was a young child explains a lot of his current personality - his behaviour fits in well with the behaviours of people who survive emotional abuse (doubting his own perception of things, a very strong negative opinion of himself, fear of abandonment).

There are many lyrics in Weakness that I believe point towards Haruka’s mother being emotionally abusive. The notable ones to me are: ‘Tell me, why are you drifting away from me? / Tell me, why do you say it’s my fault?’ and ‘If I tried and couldn’t say it / You would get angry at me and say “You’re hopeless”’. I believe that these lyrics are directed at Haruka’s mother.

As for imagery in the MV, when Haruka initially falls backwards from the dressing table, he falls into the liquid from his mother’s perfume, which shows how her treatment of him has surrounded him. Later, while he’s walking alongside her happily, she barely looks back down at him, and when adult Haruka pushes his younger self back, the following image is shown:

I believe the drawing in the background is meant to be Haruka’s mother, and his cruel treatment of his younger self is meant to show that he has internalised his mother’s abuse, going on to blame and punish himself for what he believes she would blame and punish him for.

Later, it shows Haruka as a child watching the fireworks with a girl his own age, whose face is blacked out like his mother’s. While it’s not clear what exactly happened, something bad happened to the girl, and she vanished from his life.

This is pure speculation, but I don’t think that Haruka killed the girl. I think something bad happened to her - possibly she even died - and that Haruka blames himself for what happened, whether fairly or unfairly. I believe that what happened was traumatic to Haruka, and he tried to avoid thinking about the bad part by focusing on his memory of the fireworks, which is a part of his denial.

Later, Haruka is petting a dog with his mother. Then, he goes outside to search for the dog, and comes across the dog’s body. Initially, I believed that Haruka had killed the dog, and I still think that this is a highly likely theory, as yellow roses are seen (which in flower language used to represent jealousy), and the lyrics that play during this point are ‘You praised me by saying “You’re crazy” / Thank you, I’ll do my best’ which, to me, alludes to children acting out for attention when they are being neglected, because due to the lack of positive attention they begin to see all forms of attention as a good thing, including negative attention.

However, in the timeline conversations, there is an exchange between Haruka and Shidou where Haruka has bloodied hands, and he tells a concerned Shidou that it comes from a bad habit of his, that when he’s tense he clenches his fists and his nails dig into his palms, causing them to appear bloodied.

Shidou: Sakurai-kun...? Could you show me your hand? Haruka: Hei!? No, this isn’t... it’s n-nothing... Shidou: Lend it to me. ...Your palm is covered in blood. Let’s have it disinfected. This... has it always been like this? Haruka: A-ah... I-it’s a habit... W-When I feel tense I grip my hands really tight, and my nails...

This detail has caused me to wonder if Haruka didn’t actually kill the dog. We see child Haruka looking for the dog nervously, and then appearing horrified when he finds the dogs corpse, then he looks down at his hands and sees blood on them. We also only see adult Haruka bludgeoning the dog. It’s common for people with PTSD to re-experience trauma from different perspectives, or with details changed, so it’s possible that Haruka did not kill the dog.

However, at this point, I think either explanation could be possible, so I’ll leave both of those theories here and move on.

Later, when it shows adult Haruka strangling child Haruka, I believe that this is when Haruka’s Milgram murder takes place. Before he begins strangling his child self, he is seen looking at a memory of himself being ignored by his mother, and becomes enraged, lashing out at his child self and strangling him, seemingly in an act of self-loathing.

However, I believe that Haruka is actually murdering his mother, having finally snapped and let out all of his repressed feelings. After the murder is over, I believe that Haruka was so horrified by what he did, he went into denial - which is something he has practice from doing his whole life - and the details of what he did became distorted.

In conclusion, I believe the following:

The MV takes the form of Haruka’s nightmares, which is why it’s ambiguous, unreliable and distorted

Haruka was emotionally abused and neglected by his mother since childhood

Haruka didn’t kill the girl, but he does blame himself for what happened to her

EITHER: Haruka killed the dog to try and get his mother to notice him, OR Haruka didn’t kill the dog but still in some way blames himself for the dog’s death

Haruka killed his mother directly due to his repressed feelings of anger towards her for abusing and neglecting him

Haruka is horrified by what he did, and on some level is in denial of the facts of what happened

Misc Analysis

Undercover

Haruka’s bedroom has toys that would be more appropriate in the bedroom of a young child. This shows that he is mentally stuck in a child-like state. Interestingly, there is also a drawing of a tree with two snakes that also appears during his MV. I don’t know what this means.

Haruka is shown strangling Es, which backs up the idea that Haruka’s murder happened when he was shown strangling his child self. Haruka’s mouth is wide open, showing that his murder involved heightened emotion on his part. This wasn’t a cold and calculated murder, this was a spur-of-the-moment response to something.

Interrogation Questions

I’m picking a few notable interrogation questions to analyse. In general, though, Haruka’s answers were much simpler than Yuno’s, which shows his child-like mindset and difficulty in understanding things.

Q: If one of your wishes could be granted, what would it be? A: I want to be loved.

Pretty straightforwards. This shows Haruka’s core motivation is to be loved.

Q: When was your first love? A: I don’t know.

Q: What’s the difference between romantic love and just love? A: Don’t they both mean that you like someone?

Q: What’s your ideal date plan? A: I don’t understand.

Despite his core motivation being wanting to be loved, Haruka doesn’t understand much about love, due to having been deprived of it his whole life.

Q: What kind of person is your father? A: I disappointed him.

This is the only time we hear of Haruka’s father. I’d guess that his mother blamed Haruka for his father leaving them, and that’s why he believes that he disappointed his father.

Q: Have you ever had a pet before? A: I have not.

Q: What is your favourite animal? A: I don’t like animals.

Q: What are some things you can’t deal with? A: Small children and animals.

Haruka denies any incident that was traumatic to him.

Q: What do you think of your family? A: I love them.

Despite having been deprived of love from his mother, he still says he loves them.

Q: Tell us what you enjoy doing. A: I like talking with the other prisoners.

Haruka talks about what he’s been doing since coming to Milgram, which implies that he didn’t have much he enjoyed doing beforehand.

Two Breaths Walking

A song about a boy meeting a girl. The girl tries to teach the boy about life, but due to the boy’s mother having taught him about life wrongly, he struggles to understand, and as a result ends up hurting the girl.

With Haruka as the boy, the girl in his MV as the girl, and his mother as the boy’s mother, this directly parallels Haruka’s MV. There isn’t much to talk about, because the parallels are pretty direct. It backs up the idea that Haruka’s mother was abusive, teaching him wrongly through her abuse and neglect.

Voice Drama

Es: Now, let’s begin the interrogation. Prisoner Number 1, Haruka. Haruka: O-Okay… I-I’m sorry… Es: Huh? Do you have something to apologise for? Haruka: U-uh, no… I’m sorry.

This shows us Haruka’s submissive personality. This kind of apologising for any perceived fault is very common in survivors of emotional abuse, because they learnt in the abusive environment that their abuser could find fault in anything, and to lower the severity of abuse, they would apologise. However, as this level of apologising isn’t needed or expected in regular situations, when it carries over it stands out.

Haruka: Ah, uh, um… I didn’t understand whatever it was you were saying. It was difficult. Es: Huh? Haruka: Uh, um… I’m sorry. I’m not that bright. Es: Haruka. What age are you? Haruka: Um… 17 years old, I think. Es: You think? Haruka: Uh, well… I have no interest in my age… I’m sorry.

Haruka isn’t used to having to think for himself, which is also common in survivors of emotional abuse. Abusers try to make their victims dependent on them, they may try to make decisions for their victims, or in the case of abusive parents may speak for them and deprive their children of the ability to develop. Taking into account Haruka’s cover song, I think it’s likely that this was the case with his mother.

Es: The only name left that hasn’t been said is Amane. Haruka: A-Amane. Es: What’s wrong? Haruka: I-I’m not good with them. Children at that age. A-Amane is a good girl, but she brings back b-bad memories.

This is most likely referring to whatever happened with the girl in Haruka’s MV. Haruka avoids thinking about traumatic incidents, even in his nightmares he avoids the details of them. Avoiding triggers of traumatic events is a symptom of PTSD.

Haruka: It’ll happen sometime. I… I… Even though I try to be normal, everything gets ruined. You, everyone, if you knew me… If you knew everything that I did… I’m… gonna be abandoned, that’s bound to happen. Because I’m a selfish killer.

Due to his abuse, Haruka solely blames himself for everything that happens. It’s likely that his mother blames him even for things that weren’t his fault, so this thought process stuck. Haruka’s primary motivation is love, and his biggest fear is abandonment.

Glitched Voice Line

Then what should I have done instead!? Tell me! Tell me so even I can understand!

I believe that this line from Haruka is addressed to his mother who he killed. He felt that he had no way to gain her love, and he is looking to her to tell him what to do.

Other Theories

Twin Theory

A theory I’ve seen says that the child in Haruka’s MV isn’t Haruka as a child, and is actually his twin. I don’t think we have any evidence to support this. I think that, given how much of Haruka’s MV is made up with abstract imagery, we should be careful with interpreting it too literally.

Autistic Haruka Theory

I have no issue with people seeing Haruka as being autistic, however, all of the theories about him being autistic seem to come from an outdated view of autism. I am autistic myself, and while I can recognise a lot of autistic traits in Haruka’s behaviour, I don’t think autism is what they were going for. I think that Haruka’s ‘autistic traits’ are, instead, supposed to show that he’s in a child-like mentality after a trauma that took place in his childhood, and that his behaviour has been strongly influenced by his abusive mother. I believe we have evidence that points towards this specifically, but no evidence that points specifically towards Haruka being autistic.

Unexplained

Why does Haruka say that his hands bleed when he’s nervous and what connection does that have to the blood on his hands in the MV?

What is the significance of the necklace that Haruka wears?

What is the significance of the girl in the MV?

What happened while watching the fireworks?

Did Haruka kill the girl?

What’s the significance of the tree and the snakes?

Final Verdict

My Verdict: Innocent.

I’m very glad that the popular vote determined that Haruka was innocent! My major reasons for this are: 

1. His MV is the most abstract right now - it’s unclear exactly what happened, so any judgement based on his crime is going to be difficult. 2. For Haruka to open up more, I think he needs to be reassured that he will not be abandoned. I think that Haruka’s second MV will give us more details, because we have reassured him that he will not be abandoned.

Thank you for reading this ridiculously long thing! I hope to write these for all of the prisoners, and eventually catch up to where we currently are with the voting! If you enjoyed my analysis, please consider sharing so it can reach a wider audience!

[miyosamu]

Bokuto & Kenma with a boyfriend

Bokuto Koutarou 

everyone on the team learned that bokuto has a thing for someone once they noticed how he got even livelier and more show off-y when certain people were in the crowd during their practices 

so they went through a whole elimination process to figure out who it was

at first, they just looked at all the girls who’d often come to practice and if bokuto was acting show off-y even when they weren’t present then they’d get eliminated 

and they kept doing this until they went through all the girls

and it was none of them 

so they got ?????

and they did it again to double-check

same result

so then they were like    o k let’s try it with the guys i guess lol lol

and bam

they found you

konoha knew you cuz you were in the same class as him so he was like holy shit does bokuto have a crush on y/n

so they kept an eye on you for a whole week and observed bokuto’s reaction to your presence/absence and there was no doubt that it was definitely you that he was crushing on 

one day during their practice break konoha called you over to talk and bokuto imMEDIATLY perked up

‘konoha knows him?? what’s his name?? what’s their relationship? can he introduce us??’ a bunch of these thoughts went through his head

and while konoha was talking to you he was trying his best not to burst out laughing at bokuto hovering around over your shoulder trying to gauge if and when there would be a good time to insert himself into your conversation

you had just started coming to their practices recently after a friend of yours dragged you to one of their matches and despite you “not being into volleyball” you were totally hooked on watching fukurodani play

you were especially intrigued and impressed by a certain Loud Powerful Ace and so you had become addicted to bokuto’s energy during his plays

something about watching him play was very exciting and he just made you want to keep cheering him on

now

you said all this confiding in konoha

but he totally took it as a chance to drag bokuto into the convo being like ‘Yo ace !! y/n over here was totally touched by your plays’

and i swear to god you’ve never seen someone pop out of nowhere so quiCKLY before in your entire life

he just popped up by your side and he wAS ALL SPARKLY EYED AND EXCITED WITH A CUTE BLUSH ACROSS HIS CHEEKS

he was just as overwhelming talking to you as he was with his presence on the court.

honestly, you were hugely thrown off by how over-excited and slightly overbearing he was since you two didn’t technically know each other Like That

but his wholehearted energy and his obvious reverence to the game and just The Pure JOY he exhibited at what konoha said you said about him was just too wholesome you couldn’t help but be fond of him

and bam

that’s it after that bokuto just latched onto you whenever he could

always trying to get closer to you

and you obviously couldn’t reject his advances i mean come on look at him

and when you two finally got in a relationship 

god

g o d

the way bokuto loves is so overabundant 

it just swallows  you whole 

you can see it you can feel it

he loves in a way that’s so unrestrained he loves with every ounce of his energy it just pours out of him

he wears his heart on his sleeve more than anyone else 

which makes your relationship simple yet complex at the same time

in the long run however, he really ruins other people for you

bokuto is the kind of boyfriend you’d find yourself comparing others to

like if your significant other doesn’t love you as much as bokuto would, are they really the one for you?? 

hmm much to think about

bokuto has a Huge Thing for you calling him koutarou

it just hits different 

not a lot of people call him by his first name even amongst his bestest friends so it makes it feel ~extra special~ coming from you

he has another Huge Thing for you wearing his jersey, just seeing his fukurodani shirt with his number on it on you just hits all the right spots for him he finds it difficult to keep his hands to himself whenever you have it on. 

it’s also such a motivational boost for him during matches 

when he looks at the bleachers and sees you there wearing his spare jersey and smiling so brightly at him it just erases all of his doubts and clears all his fatigue making him feel rejuvenated

akaashi begs you to attend all their matches wearing that jersey now because you really level up his plays 

when you two are alone he gets surprisingly quiet

which i think is not something people would often expect from someone as eccentric as bokuto but it’s true

at the end of the day when it’s just you and him his body totally relaxes, he’s not as reckless, he’s not as loud

he just likes to lay down with you and touch you in some way and just   talk 

bask in each other’s presence basically

one of his favorites Come Down rituals when the day’s over is to lay down and have you kiss his bruises (cuz he gets those a lot) and have you stroke his back as he rests his head on your chest

bokuto can be very vocal with his love towards you he has no issue telling you he loves you or conveying how much he adores you, but he actually prefers to show it through special gestures he attained over his time with you

before going to bed, he likes to kiss your chest right over the spot where your heart is and it’s his way of demonstrating how much he cherishes you

sometimes during the day, he’d tap the nearest part of you he could reach three times and it’s his way of reminding you “i love you”  

and of course, if you ever wanted to hear those words out loud sometime, you can just tell him and he’d shower you for hours with the sincerest confessions

bokuto is not someone who can easily get genuinely angry

but if anyone were to make disgusting comments towards you and you guys’ relationship 

oohhh boy

that’s one of the fastest ways to fucking set him ablaze

he WOULD resort to violence he has no issue decking someone in the face for being a homophobic prick  

he prefers not to of course, considering his status and just the overall kind of person he is

but he has his limits too

and you are a limit no one is allowed to test.

which is something everyone came to learn fairly quickly 

god this is getting so long

i just   love bokuto so much i still have so much i wanna say about him ksdhfsjdfuhdf so many aspects of him i wanna cover

and i still have kenma to do jfc i have no idea what i’ll write for him

often times it seems like bokuto has an endless supply of energy and it fools a lot of people into thinking he’s a man with little struggles

which is Not True

he crashes quite often and he has mental breaks more than one would normally assume from someone like him

and during those times he has this weird phase where he gets extra clingy but then distances himself

and you have to work your way around that carefully and you have to think about what you’ll say cuz if what you say isn’t clear enough or if it’s something that could have double meaning it will throw bokuto off and make him think of the worst

as i said earlier, due to bokuto wearing his heart on his sleeve it does make the relationship simple but during times like these it makes it complex because of how sensitive he is

bokuto is extremely emotionally intelligent

he’ll pick up on any emotional cues from you

he’s especially aware of the ones that are along the lines of discomfort or distress

because it’s His Duty as your loving boyfriend to comfort you

be it with his words or with his hugs

speaking of which

bokuto, hands down, gives the best hugs

periodt

kisses from bokuto always border on make outs jdjcjd

he LOVES VERY STRONGLY AND WOULD LIKE TO SHOW IT VERY STRONGLY

so you have to ensure he doesn’t kiss you in public because it WILL take longer than it is socially acceptable to kiss your s/o in public

bokuto shows you off to everyone willing to listen

which, at this point, isn’t a lot of people but he’ll still do it

‘this is my sexy beautiful boyfriend and i love every bit of him look at him isn’t he the best? he’s the best trust me i know’

all in all

10/10 would date

totally worth it

best boyfriend

he adores you

kenma knew you through lev

you were lev’s best friend and so you were doing your obligatory duties as his best friend to show up to their matches and check up on him during practice

everyone on the team knew you really

and honestly, kenma always liked you

you weren’t as overbearing as most other people and you never pushed yourself into his personal space forcefully

kuroo thought you were doing an amazing job at making their resident recluse feel comfortable around you

now when i say kenma liked you

it wasn’t like anything serious

he just preferred you to other people

of course, he thought you were handsome and had a nice personality

but still

he just liked you as a person

but then one day

their manager fell extremely ill right before a tournament and they needed someone to fill in their place

all eyes turned on you

you usually helped the managers whenever you passed by during practice and you were familiar enough with everything to do a good job

plus everyone liked you so

they unanimously picked you for the job and called it a day

that was the first time you ever heard kuroo’s pre-game speech

yknow the one kenma found extremely embarrassing about keeping your blood flowing and supplying oxygen to the brain

you thought it was lovely and poetic when you heard it but you didn’t quite get the analogy

so you asked

and kuroo explained it to you while kenma was cringing half to death behind him

the more kuroo explained it to you the more you understood how truly amazing kenma actually was

by the end of kuroo’s explanation, you were in absolute awe 

you couldn’t help but turn to kenma with an expression of repressed excitement and go “KENMA-SAN YOU’RE SO INCREDIBLE!?!?!!!!”

and man 

your sparkly eyes, your slightly flushed cheeks, your  sincere astonishment, your grin

it made kenma’s heart do something

a flutter

a squeeze 

he didn’t know but it was something

he just stood there in bewilderment with his eyes wide as he started feeling things the longer he looked at looking at him like that 

you tugged at his little heartstrings

kuroo, being kuroo, totally knew what was going on and he just outright snorted 

it was in shock more than anything really 

he couldn’t believe what was happening he never saw kenma like that before 

kenma snapped out of his daze due to kuroo’s snort and he quickly ducked his head to hide his blush behind his hair and just let out a little “mhm” before passing you and going to the court

you knew kenma was often a man of a few words but you couldn’t help but worry if you had somehow upset him

he never brushed you off like that before this felt different 

maybe you stood too close in his personal space or something 

you had decided you were gonna apologize later and silently hoped that whatever just happened wouldn’t affect the game

surprise surprise though

kenma’s plays and calls throughout the entire match were impeccable

it left their opponents stunned he had them all figured out 

needless to say, nekoma had a certain victory that day

while the team was celebrating and rightfully fawning over kenma, you had been looking at him when he glanced up at you 

you smiled at him and gave him a rather enthusiastic thumb’s up

you saw firsthand how kenma’s expression instantly changed

how his eyes widened slightly, how his body stiffened from surprise, and how his cheeks were coloured red from something other than exertion 

and then    it clicked

you stood there stunned as the realization dawned on you 

could it be,,,, kenma   liked you-

you cut off the thought before it even fully started because that’s just ridiculous there’s no way

suddenly an arm was thrown over your shoulder 

it was kuroo’s

and one look at his face just confirmed everything 

and sent you in absolute panic

holyshitholyshitholyshitkenmapossiblylikedyouwhattheheckohmygod

kuroo, who felt your panic, laughed and patted you on the back reassuringly

“relax man hey take your time. this is new for both of you and we don’t know if it will even go anywhere.” 

-but i kinda want it to- you thought

kuroo leaned closer to you and whispered sleazily “hhooo you want it to huh you have the hots for kenma dont ya dont ya hohohoooo what do you want to do to my best friend you fiend”

HE’S SO ANNOYING HELPJFKSHDKG WHY IS HE SO PRECEPTIVE 

before you could bite back at him he stood back at full length and looked at you “honestly though? i think you have a solid chance with him”

that single sentence repeated itself the entire bus ride back 

and it continued to plague your mind for the following couple of weeks as you were weighing the pros and cons of this situation 

over these couple of weeks, you were fixated a bit too much on kenma you couldn’t help but notice how cute he was

his little habits and the little faces he pulled as he played his video games were all too endearing 

you tried to test the waters a few times here and there by getting friendlier than you usually would

yknow just to gauge his reactions

which you came to discover were also so fucking cute 

he got nervous and a bit jumpy and the tips of his ears would tint red 

but he never refused you and displayed any type of discomfort 

so one afternoon while you two were on court cleaning duty you decided to ask him out 

“kenma-san, you know   the arcade a couple blocks over? i heard they installed some new games over the past weekend so,, i was wondering if you’d like to go check them out with me. yknow after we’re done here and all…”

you gulped at the tense silence that followed and wondered for a split second if you should add “haha yknow as two friends buddies good bros hanging out ahah”

as you were stuck in your own thoughts kenma let out a little huff and gave you a soft smile “i’d love to” 

you heart went wooOOSH at the sight of his smile

whether you were good or bad at video games it didn’t really matter to kenma

he enjoys your company regardless and your reactions to the games amuse him 

and this is something that’ll stay constant throughout your relationship

kenma loves games and you love him so whatever your stance was on video games previously didn’t matter because you loved engaging in something that kenma loved 

and you also knew that he loved sharing his interest with you

even if you sucked at one game or the other you could get a good laugh out of him from it and it totally makes everything worth it 

he, of course, would engage you in what interested you as well 

it’s a fair and sweet trade

you guys’ relationship would progress kinda slowly but also not really?? like the pace suit you guys 

one of the most hilarious things you had the pleasure of witnessing is kenma raging over a game 

you have never seen kenma so animated before and it sENDS

but that’s not your favourite part

your favourite part is when he’s decided he’s had enough so he just leaves the controller and searches for you 

he just plops down and burries his face in your stomach while wrapping his arms around you and, depending on how frusterated he is, he’d either let out a really loud groan or just sigh defeatedly into your stomach 

if you pet his hair he hums and you don’t think he’s aware but you’ll never tell him cuz you don’t want him to stop

KENMA LITTLE SPOON

something that can be a little puzzeling with kenma is that even though he’s touch and affection starved, he’s not a touchy person so   being affectionate is a hit or miss

he’ll never reject your advances for physical affection cuz you’re his boyfriend 

but it’s rare for him to be the one intiating it 

PDA is not a thing 

like ever

not even holding hands 

this is new for kenma and he’s so aware of the fact that you’re both guys

he’d just want it to be known between you guys and your trusted circle 

but he knows that it sometimes can be upsetting so he does what he can to make it easier

he stands closer to you, enough to feel his body warmth

when he walks beside you sometimes he’ll let the back of his hands brush yours 

yknow just little things that go unoticed to everyone else but it means a lot to you 

being in a relationship with kenma just means being in the recieving end of a lot of little things that come together and make it wholesome

kenma      gives these small quick kisses out of nowhere that make your heart stop for that split second but then by the time you processed it he’s already gone on his way 

they kinda feel like kitten licks they’re so quick and small 

!!!!!! THIS NEXT HEADCANON CONTAINS A SPOILER FROM THE MANGA SO IF YOU‘RE NOT CAUGHT UP PLEASE SKIP THE NEXT POINT !!!!!!!!!

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on kenma’s youtube videos and streams there are a lot of videos where you appeared in the background doing your thing or just moments where you just check up on him, maybe bring him some food/water, and because of it a lot of his subscribers ship you guys together and whenever kenma comes by comments regarding that he smiles a little and even though he’ll never comment on it, it does kinda make him giddy 

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!!!! OK YOU CAN READ NOW !!!!

kenma has this Special Look that’s reserved just for you and it’s so so soft and full of adoration and he usually gives you that look when you’re not looking

his friends see it though and it makes them so happy seeing kenma like this 

you make kenma happy

[sharkmobster]

more funtime found family au stuff but this time focusing on funtime freddy and michael's relationship. it's incredibly rambly and turns into off-kilter dialogue but i gotta get this off my chest.

tw mentioned child abuse/death

• doesn't actually like michael (at first) even tho i draw them hanging around each other a lot

• bon bon is the only reason he does loaf around him. (bon bon and bonnet being the only ones who like Michael in the beginning.) They're attached to each other so it's inevitable that they would hang around mikey.

• ft freddy plays really mean spirited jokes on michael bc he's not allowed to harm him. he has to get real creative. (ft freddy has a lot of anger inside of him. people write him off as being dumb and goofy but really that's just a mask that he put up so he didn't scare people away. of course the funtimes know how he is, knows who he is right to his core bc they're all connected on a deeper/technological level.)

• (slaps funtime freddy. this bear can fit so much trauma and abandonment issues in him!)

• can be incredibly vindictive when he wants to be and takes out a lot of his agression on Michael. michael shares the afton name (bc he sure as hell doesn't look like william in my au lol) and that alone is enough for ft freddy to bully him.

• (the funtimes blame william for abandoning them so ft freddy takes it especially personal when his ankle biter comes around to "liberate" them. and on some deeper level freddy is just terrified that michael will abandon them all, just like willy did. he never voices this of course. opting to show his apprehension and fear in a more destructive way, pushing Michael further away.)

• canon ft freddy: sinister but still goofy and knows how to have a good time

my ft freddy: goofy and repressed anger issues, doesn't know how to enjoy himself without causing someone some kinda pain.

• michael gets fed up with being terrorized eventually and confronts him, and ft freddy drops the silly act for a bit just ready to blow up at him. (he can't even place why he's still so angry at michael when really he's been nothing but hospitable and accomodating to their wants and needs but fuck he's just so wound up he doesn't know what to do) michael compares him to william during the argument (cruel and vindictive just like william wanted) and ft freddy nearly rings his neck, absolutely seething but bon bon doesnt let that happen of course. (idk if this is confirmed canon but bon bon was designed to placate freddy. he raises his voice even slightly and bon bon's petting his face, stopping him from getting even more agressive)

• ft freddy shuts down after the confrontation ends (emotionally, anyway) and the blow out itself is completely anti climatic, nobody getting hurt. he ends up isolating himself from the others with bon bon hovering around like a concerned mother hen. Baby and the others give him space but michael (after he cools down anyways) won't leave him alone.

• See the thing is: Michael understands. Michael understands more than anyone what it's like to feel so deeply, what it's like to hate and hate and to keep hating until that rage is your whole life. It's suffocating. and he had to deal with that all on his own, choking on his own grief and rage without anyone to guide him. (his brother is dead bc of him and he carries that with him everywhere he goes, in everything he does.)

• They're living in the countryside of France at this point in time, far off from any wandering eyes, a thick forest surrounding their home. Freddy has a few hiding spots that he scouted out within the first few days of staying there. And that's where Michael finds him, hiding out in a small alcove by the a creek, throwing rocks at the trees (and sometimes wildlife).

• freddy doesn't aknowledge him, ignoring him like a child would and bon bon frets nervously between them, not wanting another fight to break out. Michael tells them that he's not here to fight anymore, he just wants to talk. you like to talk, don't you? and freddy doesn't say anything, running his fingers through the dirt, absentmindedly.

• michael asks bon bon to leave so that they can have a private convo and bon bon freaks out like absolutely not, he might hurt you and michael asks freddy directly like "are you going to hurt me?" freddy still isn't talkative, and he's rigid when he shakes his head no after a bit of silence. Bon Bon asks if he's alright with him leaving and freddy just shrugs, still staring at nothing in the distance. bon bon hesitates for a few moments before finally leaving, telling Michael to call out to him if he's in danger but michael rushes him along.

• it's just them now, nothing but the sounds of nature around them. michael asks how he's feeling and freddy shrugs again. Michael strikes up a one sided conversation, stepping closer and closer to him over time not really getting any kinda response out of him but eventually, during his rambling, freddy finally looks at him and says "Y-You just don't get-get it." and then goes back to the silent treatment.

• Michael's quiet, having made his way up to standing right next to freddy (he's only a tiny bit taller than him when he's just sitting like that). he nods his head, considering something for a while until finally he goes "Did I ever tell you about what it was like? Ya know. Being William Afton's golden child?" freddy doesn't say anything but he pauses from drawing circles in the dirt, tilts his head just a fraction to let mikey know he's listening.

• michael stares at the creek. "He wasn't the most outwardly loving father. Wasn't really the nicest one, either. But, I wanted his approval so bad, I'd do anything for it." Freddy slowly turns his head to watch him carefully. that's got his attention. "I did a bunch of stupid shit back then, all cause I wanted to be noticed by him. But all that attention went to my little-" and michael draws in a sudden breath, pained. stays silent for a moment, working up the courage to speak. "I did something awful to my brother. All for my father. And it's an awful thing to say but his death didn't matter. Pops didnt bat an eye and Mom was too far gone by that point after Elizabeth...." he looks back in the direction of the cottage. "Well.... you know what happened to Elizabeth." Freddy's stare is hard and unyielding. "He's gone now and I was the only one who cared enough. His fuckin' abuser cared more for his passing than his own father did."

• "He threw me into the basement. Did you know that?" Michael bounces from one foot to another, anxiety written into his very bones. he's lost in his rambling now, having never spoken these words out loud to anyone. "I killed his son and he locked me away in the dark for three years." Freddy fully turns to give Michael his undivided attention, stock still, hanging off of his every word. "I got out. Eventually. I ran away and lived on the streets for years until someone got a hold of me. Told me my old man was missing, presumed dead. Got a pretty penny from the fazbear business he co-owned with Mr. Emily. Things were going good, I guess. I was overwhelmed for the most part, didn't do anything other than bounce around from hotels every few days. In some way, I felt like he was still out there, watching me. I just kept running. And then i found out about you." He glances at freddy and looks away quickly when he finds an unblinking visage staring back. "Found out about all of you. Locked away in a storage facility for over 30 years. In the dark. All alone." an incredibly long silence stretches out between them, freddy fidgeting, hyperaware of every noise going on around them.

• "You think I don't get it. But I do. I think I understand you more than anyone could." Michael's staring back at him, raw emotion across his face, eyes soft with empathy and that's what makes Freddy turn away from him. Suddenly uncomfortable. "I don't want to fight with you. Not you. Not Ballora, or Foxy, or Eli-" He visibly winces, but regains his composure. "...I just... need you to understand that I want to help."

• Freddy's never been so quiet, and it's such an odd sight. Michael's not sure if he should say anything else or if he should leave the bear alone. the bear speaks up, finally "W-We could've kill-killed you."

• "That was always a possibility, yeah. I woulda deserved it." Freddy's not sure if he likes the way Michael talks about himself sometimes. "I needed to get you guys out of there, though. That was more important than whatever could've happened to me." Michael huffs. "Besides, if I hadn't bailed you guys out then I would've never gone to Paris. Ballora has good taste in real estate, I think." and despite everything, freddy lets out a sudden breath that could've been mistaken for a sensible chuckle. Michael smiles anyway.

• Things settle down afterwards, though there's no bite to Freddy's jokes now. They're not as close as Michael wants, Freddy still keeping his distance, keeping his walls up but it's something.

• Freddy starts watching horror movies with him late into the night and until dawn. Doesn't let Michael sleep in afterwards and he might just regret this but it makes Freddy happy. Things go back to normal in the cottage, as normal as things can be for a motley troupe like them anyways. Michael starts laughing at his jokes more.

[thegeminisage]

Here's something I'd love your take on: I read a meta recently (would link it but I can't remember where, ack) that suggested that Sam is able to forgive John in later seasons because a) he's had the whole "family making unilateral decisions for your own good" thing repeatedly shoved down his throat, and b) whatever John did under this umbrella in their childhoods, Dean has done far worse by that point, and Sam HAS to forgive him so by extension he can't really be mad at John anymore (1/2)

(2/2) As someone who has admittedly only seen bits and pieces of the later seasons, this seems to jive with Sam losing a lot of his characteristic early-seasons anger, letting Dean call the shots almost all the time even when he thinks it's the wrong move, and moments of sympathy for John (contrasted w/Dean's growing resentment, which is so interesting!). But! I got some big ol' gaps in my spn comprehension, so was curious if you had any thoughts on this dynamic

wow okay long answer warning! i got carried away and forgot how to use punctuation. nobody is obligated to read all of this lol and the biggest part of the answer is behind a cut. anyway!!

first things first: i think a big thing to remember with sam’s characterization in later seasons is that it’s like...not there, and when it is there, it’s sometimes flat and inconsistent. because dean became sole the main protagonist after the first 8 (arguably the first 5 or even first 2) seasons, sam sort of got demoted to “side character we don’t know what to do with” along with cas and crowley. they all had good arcs pop up now and then (sam had some fun stuff going on with lucifer in s11 and s13) but most of the time the writers either don’t know how to give him a meaningful characterization or don’t care (or both). so we have to do a lot of that work ourselves. 

so, for example, when we talk about sam losing his anger, i like to read it as him OVERCOMING that anger to avoid becoming his father (which may even be where some of the seemingly sympathetic comments come from, because he’s trying to be forgiving instead of angry), but really...it’s that the writers forgot he had anger issues. in-universe explanation vs irl explanation, yk? and i think pretty much all meta about sam in late seasons is written through that lens, whether the writer of that meta knows it or not. including this one! i can’t prove any of this shit, it’s my personal reading, i’m making it up. like there were just SO many different people involved in the production of supernatural that there was a lot of conflict and contradictions in things like continuity and characterization. (most of the writers room hadn’t even seen every episode!) so there’s not one definitive way to go about it. in many ways it makes the characters more nuanced and in many other ways it makes me fucking insane.

as for sam and john and whether or not sam forgives him, i’m actually glad you asked because this has been driving me nuts for a long time and it took me SO LONG to pin it down - sam’s relationship with john is very different to dean’s, and i couldn’t figure out WHY. it’s not that he was “abused less,” it’s not that he loved john less or was less hurt by his actions, so why doesn’t he seem as INVESTED in everything that happened to them as kids? like he says in season 14 he had to learn to let it go and that it was all a lifetime ago for him. meanwhile i think dean still deals with it every day. he’s still stewing in it to some degree 24/7. so like what’s the difference??

i think it comes down to two things. firstly, that while dean didn’t have anybody parenting him except john (and mary, but only for a very short time that he could actually remember), SAM’S parents were john AND DEAN. most of the time dean was the one raising sam, and in fact he arguably did way more parenting of sam than john did. so the person that made dean feel safe and like he could fight back against monsters, the person he was grateful to, was john. but the person who made SAM feel safest was dean. he doesn’t have that same gratitude towards john that dean does and he never will, because of how john made him feel alienated and excluded from their family growing up. dean’s resentment of john is so tangled up in this very deep and unconditional love and gratitude for him that sam just doesn’t have. 

secondly, i think dean has a serious case of “i can fix him” re: john that sam doesn’t have and possibly never had. john just never showed sam the same kind of inclusion and warmth and trust that he showed dean (however rarely he showed it, and however fucked up it was). i think sam figured out very very early on that their quest for yellow eyes was either a long shot or straight up impossible, and that they couldn’t waste their entire lives doing it, and that even if the demon died, john was never going to change. dean 100% drank the koolaid - he really truly believed in a world where someday they’d kill the demon and all retire from the life and be normal and be a family again, because that’s what john said and dean took his father’s word as gospel. sam knew better.

so i think what sam did was just disengage. partially because he felt he couldn’t afford to nurse that kind of anger and not become either his father or lucifer, and partially because even though sam loved john, still loves john, he never needed him the way dean did, because sam had dean. so it doesn’t hurt him as much to just “gray rock” it. i think if sam stopped and really dug into it he’d find that he’s still quite angry (probably more angry on dean’s behalf than his own, at least at first, because in his mind he was able to move past it and dean was not, dean had it worse, HIS OWN trauma isn’t real etc etc), but he doesn’t do that because he doesn’t want to be that angry, and possibly even thinks that if he brought it up dean would jump to john’s defense and it would cause a fight, which the opposite of what a gray rock does.

as for being forced to forgive john because if he didn’t he would also have to condemn dean...i don’t think i buy that at all. sam is fine making dean his exception and he allows dean to get away with a lot of deeply horrible shit he would condemn other people for. partially because he’s dean and sam loves him, but in my ~personal reading~ of sam, this is also because once sam became an adult the weight of everything dean did and had to give up to raise him really sank in, and part of him felt guilty (even though sam arguably didn’t have a childhood either). you know how kids take care of their parents in old age to repay them for raising them? that’s sort of how sam is with dean in later seasons - he implies multiple times that he would leave the hunting life forever and not look back if it weren’t for dean.

and as a side note - sorry, this is only tangentially related - dean implies several times in later seasons that the job is where he finds his sense of accomplishment and self-esteem and meaning - he believes the world is a better place because of what he and sam do, and even though he doesn’t always like DOING the job, he likes the outcome. it’s weird because this is as close as we see dean get to even HAVING self esteem. sam, emotionally intelligent, would have picked up on that - and since he and dean have both tried to leave the life multiple times and have always come to regret it, i also think part of sam believes you CAN’T escape - certainly SAM could never escape so long as dean was still in it, because whether he meant to or not dean would always pull him back in. and part of dean doesn’t really want to escape because he’s made his peace with it. so sam stays, and i think even if he can’t find the same meaning in the job that dean does, he finds a lot of meaning in being there for dean. (this, like gray rocking, is also consistent with the seasons where sam’s sole character trait is caring about dean lol. but i’m happy enough to read it in a kinder and less bitter/resentful way.)

it IS worth noting i think that the most forgiving sam ever was about john was in the adam episode, where he said he understood why he was the way he was and why he did what he did, and when dean said they were alike sam decided to take it as a compliment. sam in season 4 is arguably at one of his lowest points - struggling with addiction, consumed by anger and hatred and the need for revenge. he WAS like john in many ways, and i think he justified what john was doing because it also justified what HE was doing. but what he was doing led to breaking lucifer out of hell and the apocalypse that followed, which is why i like to think sam worked so hard to reign in his anger afterward - both to avoid his fate and avoid becoming his father.

in short: i don’t think sam has actually forgiven john so much as disengaged from him and moved past it. because if he DID engage with it, it’d bring up a whole lot of stuff he didn’t feel prepared to deal with. one of the risks of gray rocking things is doing it to the point that you lose touch with your own wants and needs and personality, so i think by late seasons sam’s repression, which is much more sneaky and quiet than dean’s, has settled in to the point where he’s like “yeah whatever” about dad out of sheer self preservation - because otherwise, he’d end up going crazy about it like dean does. i think it’d do him a hell of a lot of good to be able to get to shout at john and finally say his piece/ he’s really afraid of his own anger, but i think it’d be healthy for him to get back in touch with some of it.

[spn masterpost]