#as a bipolar person myself i know when i see a psychotic/manic episode

[enfinizatics]

barbz need to learn a term called “parasocial relationship” because that’s literally what it is. she does not care about you. she might be nice to you, talk to you when you meet her, like your tweets but she will NEVER be your actual friend, she will never truly acknowledge your existence. it’s upsetting but this is how life works. in the end she’s a performer and you guys are her paycheck.

[infernallegaycy]

Writing Psychotic Characters

Hi! I’ve seen a few of these writing things pop up recently (and in the past), but I haven’t seen any on psychotic characters—which, judging from the current state of portrayals of psychosis in media, is something I think many people* need. And as a psychotic person who complains about how badly psychosis tends to be represented in media, I thought I’d share a bit of information and suggestions!

A lot of this isn’t necessarily specifically writing advice but information about psychosis, how it presents, and how it affects daily life. This is partially purposeful—I feel that a large part of poor psychotic representation stems from a lack of understanding about psychosis, and while I’m not usually in an educating mood, context and understanding are crucial to posts like this. A lot of this also relates to writing psychosis in a modern-day setting, simply because that’s where bad psychotic representation tends to mostly occur (and it’s the only experience I’ve had, obviously), but please don’t shy away from applying this advice to psychotic characters in sci-fi/fantasy/historical fiction/etc. Psychosis is not a wholly modern phenomenon, nor would speculative fiction feel truly escapist without being able to see yourself reflected in it.

Please also note that I am not a medical professional nor an expert in psychology. I simply speak from my personal experiences, research, and what I’ve read of others’ experiences. I also do not speak for all psychotic people, and more than welcome any alternative perspectives to my own.

*These people, in all honesty, aren’t likely to be the ones willingly reading this. But there are people who are willing to learn, so here’s your opportunity.

(Warnings: Mentions of institutionalization/hospitalization, including forced institutionalization; ableism/saneism; and brief descriptions of delusions and hallucinations. Also, it’s a pretty long post!)

Up front, some terminology notes: “Unpsychotic” refers to people who are not psychotic. This includes other mentally ill and neurodivergent people. Please try to avoid terminology like “non-[identity],” as much of it is co-opted from “nonblack.”

Also, “psychotic” and “delusional” will not be, and should not be, used to refer to anything but respectively someone who experiences psychosis and someone who experiences delusions. Remove these words as insults and negative descriptors for anyone you dislike from your vocabulary.

In addition, I generally use adjectives rather than person-first language because that is the language I, and the seeming majority of other neurodivergent and mentally ill people, prefer. Others might describe themselves differently (as “people with psychosis,” for instance). Don’t assume either way—I’d generally suggest you say “psychotic person” first, and then correct yourself if the person in question prefers different terminology.

1) Psychosis is a symptom, not a disorder.

As a term, “psychosis” describes any number of symptoms that indicate a break with reality, such as delusions and hallucinations (I’ll go into more detail about this in a bit). It commonly occurs as part of several mental and neurological disorders, including but not limited to:

Schizophrenia

Schizophreniform disorder (same symptoms as schizophrenia, but for a shorter period of time than 6 months)

Schizoaffective disorder (combined symptoms of psychosis and a mood disorder, but not enough to completely fill the diagnostic criteria for either)

Bipolar disorder (typically as part of manic episodes, but it can also occur in unipolar depression and depressive episodes)

Personality disorders, including borderline personality disorder (for which transient paranoia under stress is part of the diagnostic criteria), paranoid personality disorder, and schizoid personality disorder

Post-traumatic stress disorder

Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Dissociative disorders (though psychosis =/= dissociative identity disorder; if you want further information on the latter, which I do not have, please seek out another post!)

Psychosis can also occur with forms of epilepsy, sleep disorders, metabolic disorders, and autoimmune disorders. It tends to be a major part of neurodegenerative disorders like Parkinson’s and Alzheimer’s. In addition, it can occur when not related to a chronic health condition; things like sleep deprivation and stress can induce temporary psychosis, as can drug use and medication.

This isn’t to say you necessarily need to define a disorder for a psychotic character, as some psychotic people (including myself) primarily just describe ourselves as “psychotic,” and some aren’t diagnosed with anything specific. However, if your psychotic character is a main/perspective character, I definitely recommend it. Chances are, someone with that disorder is reading/watching, and I’m sure they’d love to see a bit of direct representation. In general, you probably should at least have something in mind, because psychotic symptoms and severity/onset can differ greatly.

Some psychotic disorders’ diagnostic criteria explicitly exclude others (someone cannot be diagnosed with both schizophrenia and schizophreniform disorder at the same time, for instance, though the latter can develop into the former), but comorbidity is possible—and often common—among certain disorders and other neurological/mental conditions. Rates vary, so definitely research this, but in short, it is very much possible for psychotic people to have multiple disorders, including disorders that don’t include psychotic symptoms. (Personally speaking: I’m autistic, ADHD, and OCD in addition to being psychotic, and I’m physically disabled as well.)

I’m not here to do all the research for you—if you want to know more about specific psychotic disorders, then by all means, look them up! Go beyond Wikipedia and Mayo Clinic articles, too. Talk to people who have them. Seek out blogs and YouTube channels run by people with them. Read books about psychosis by psychotic people**. Pay attention to how we describe ourselves and our disorders.

And if you want to write characters with those disorders, especially if you’re writing from their perspectives, then please for the love of God, hire a sensitivity reader. For authenticity, I would recommend seeking out someone with the same disorder, not just anyone psychotic.

**If you want a fiction recommendation: I don’t actually know if the author is schizophrenic like the main character, but I really enjoyed and related to The Drowning Girl by Caitlín R. Kiernan. Content warnings include, but might not be limited to—it’s been a while since I read it—unreality, self-harm, suicide, abuse, and mentions of transphobia. I haven’t personally read any autobiographies/memoirs/essays yet, so I don’t have any to offer, and quite a few that came up through a cursory search seemed only to focus on being an inspiration to neurotypical people or were from a perspective other than that of the psychotic person in question. If anyone (preferably psychotic people) has any more recommendations, fiction or nonfiction, let me know!

2) Not every psychotic person has the same symptoms.

As mentioned, psychosis consists of symptoms that involve separation with reality, which can present as positive or negative symptoms. Every person’s experiences with these are different, but some generalizations can be made. I definitely recommend reading studies and articles (especially directly by psychotic people) describing experiences and presentation!

I’ll start with positive symptoms, which refer to the presence of symptoms unpsychotic people don’t have, and can include hallucinations, delusions, and disorganized thoughts, speech, and behavior.

You probably know what hallucinations are (perceptions of sensory information that is not really present), but you might not know the specifics. Types of hallucinations include:

Auditory (which tend to be the most common, and are probably the form everyone is most familiar with, primarily as “hearing voices”)

Visual

Olfactory

Tactile/haptic

Gustatory (taste)

Somatic

Some types with regards to bodily sensations get a little muddled from here, but some forms of hallucinations you might not have heard of include thermic (hot/cold), hygric (fluids), kinesthetic (bodily movements), and visceral (inner organs).

(Note: Hypnagogic/hypnopompic hallucinations, which occur when falling asleep or waking up, are not related to psychosis and can occur in anyone.)

As mentioned, there are some forms of hallucinations that are more common, but that is not to say that everyone has the same hallucinations. A lot of us have auditory and/or visual hallucinations, but not everyone does. Some have tactile, olfactory, or gustatory hallucinations instead of or in addition to more common forms (hi! Auditory hallucinations are pretty rare for me, but I constantly feel bugs/spiders crawling on me). If you write a psychotic character that experiences hallucinations, then you should definitely do further research on these types and manifestations of them.

You’re likely also familiar with delusions (a belief that contradicts reality), though again, you might not know the specifics. Delusions can be classified as bizarre (implausible, not shared or understood by peers of the same culture) or non-bizarre (false, but technically possible). They can relate to one’s mood or not.

Some people only experience delusions and no other significant psychotic symptoms (this occurs in delusional disorder). Delusions differ between people and tend to be heavily influenced by environment, but there are some common themes, such as:

Persecution

Guilt, punishment, or sin

Mind reading

Thought insertion

Jealousy

Control

Reference (coincidences having meaning)

Grandeur

Certain types of delusions are more common in certain cultures/backgrounds or certain disorders. I can’t really go into details about specific delusions, because I try not to read many examples (for a reason I’m about to mention), but if you plan on writing a character who experiences delusions, I definitely recommend heavily researching delusions and how it feels to experience them.

I would like to note: I’m not sure how common it is, but I’ve noticed that I personally have a tendency to pick up delusions that I see other psychotic people talking about having. Just kind of, like, an “oh shit what if” feeling creeps up on me, and before I know it, that delusion has wormed its way into my life. Just in case you want some idea of how psychotic people can interact amongst ourselves!

Another quick note: Delusions, by definition, are untrue beliefs; this does not mean that anyone who has ever been delusional is inherently untrustworthy.

Disorganization of thoughts/speech and behavior is more self-explanatory. Problems with thinking and speaking tend to be one of the most common psychotic symptoms, sometimes considered even more so than delusions and hallucinations. There are a lot of ways thought processes can be disrupted, and I honestly think it would be kind of difficult to portray this if you haven’t experienced it, but some common manifestations are:

Derailment

Tangents (which you might notice me doing sometimes in this very post)

Getting distracted mid-sentence/thought

Incoherence/“word salad”

Thought blocking (sudden stops in thoughts/speech)

Repetition of words/phrases

Pressured speech (rapid, urgent speech)

Use of invented words

Poverty of speech/content of speech

(Note that thought/speech disturbances aren’t necessarily exclusive to psychotic disorders. They tend to be common in ADHD and autism as well, though symptoms can be more severe when they occur in, for example, schizophrenia.)

Behavioral abnormalities can include catatonia, which presents in a number of ways, such as mutism, echolalia, agitation, stupor, catalepsy, posturing, and more. Episodes of catatonia last for hours and sometimes longer, which usually requires hospitalization and/or medication. This tends to overlap heavily with symptoms of autism spectrum disorders, which can be comorbid with conditions like schizophrenia.

Negative symptoms, on the other hand, refer to the absence of certain experiences. It can include flat affect (lack of or limited emotional reactions), generally altered emotional responses, a decrease in speech, and low motivation. Most of these speak for themselves, and I’m not honestly sure how to describe them to someone who’s never experienced them in a way that isn’t very metaphorical and therefore kind of unhelpful. If any other psychotic people have suggestions, feel free to add on/message me!

Not every psychotic disorder involves or requires both positive and negative symptoms (to my knowledge, manic episodes of bipolar disorder mostly only include positive symptoms), but many psychotic people experience both. And, as expressed multiple times—and I really can’t stress it enough—every person’s experience with psychosis is different.

If you interview two psychotic people at random, chances are they aren’t going to have the same combination of symptoms. Chances are they won’t even have the same disorder. Therefore, if you write multiple psychotic characters, they shouldn’t be identical in terms of personality or psychosis.

There are also some qualities of psychotic disorders that may not necessarily be diagnostic criteria but are prominent in people with these conditions. These also vary between disorders, but cognitive impairments and similar traits are fairly common.

3) In a similar vein, daily experiences can vary greatly. Psychosis can be a major part of psychotic people’s lives, but it doesn’t always affect daily life.

For some people, psychosis occurs in episodes, not 24/7; you may have heard the term “psychotic break,” which tends to refer to a first episode of psychosis. This is especially true of disorders where psychotic symptoms occur under stress or during mood episodes.

For other people, psychosis is a near-constant. It can wax and wane, but it never completely goes away. These people might be more likely to invest in medication or long-term therapy and other treatment methods.

Psychosis’s impact on everyday life can also be affected by insight (how well the person can tell they’re having psychotic symptoms). There’s not a ton of accessible research—or research at all—into insight and how it affects psychotic people, and I’m not a big fan of describing people as having high/low insight because I think it has the potential to be used like functioning labels (which, for the record, are bad; plenty of other autistic people have written at length about this), but just something to keep in mind. It’s a sliding scale; at different points in time, the same person might have limited or significant awareness of their symptoms. Both greater and poorer insight have been linked to decreased quality of life, so neither one is really a positive.

Just something to be aware of: Yes, sometimes we do realize how “crazy” we seem. Yes, sometimes we don’t. No, it doesn’t really make things any better to know that what we’re seeing/thinking/etc isn’t real. No, people with low insight shouldn’t be blamed or mocked for this.

As such, the diagnostic process can vary greatly. Psychotic people aware of their symptoms or how their lives are being impacted may directly ask for a diagnosis or seek out information on their own. Other times, family or friends might notice symptoms and bring them up to a mental health professional, or someone might be forcibly institutionalized and diagnosed that way.

My professional diagnostic processes have been pretty boring: Over time, I just gradually brought up different diagnoses I thought might fit me to my therapist, whom I started seeing for anxiety (which I no longer strongly identify with, on account of my anxiety mostly stemming from me being autistic, OCD, and psychotic). I filled out checklists and talked about my symptoms. We moved on with the treatment processes I was already undergoing and incorporated more coping mechanisms and stuff like that into therapy sessions. Hardly the tearful scenes of denial you’re used to seeing or reading about.

Other people might have very different experiences, or very similar ones! It all depends! I generally don’t really like reading scenes of people being diagnosed (it’s just exposition and maybe some realization on the PoV character’s part, but it’s usually somewhat inaccurate in that regard), so you can probably steer away from that sort of thing, but you might find it useful to note how your character was identified somewhere? I don’t really have any strong opinions on this.

I’d also like to note: Everything I publicly speak about having, I’ve discussed in a professional therapy setting, just because of my personal complexes. However, I do fully support self-diagnosis. Bigotry and money are huge obstacles against getting professional diagnoses, and if someone identifies with a certain disorder and seeks out treatment mechanisms for it, there’s no real harm being done. If someone is genuinely struggling and they benefit from coping mechanisms intended for a disorder they might not have, then I think that’s better than if they shied away because they weren’t professionally diagnosed with it, and therefore didn’t get help they needed. With proper research, self-diagnosis is fully ethical and reasonable.

I do not want to debate this, and any attempts to force me into a discussion about professional versus self-diagnosis will be ignored.

Anyway! I can’t really identify any specific daily experiences with psychosis you might want to include, because as mentioned, everyone has different symptoms and ways they cope with them.

Some psychotic people might not experience symptoms outside of an episode, which can be brought on by any number of things; some might experience symptoms only under general stress; some might have consistent symptoms. The content of hallucinations and delusions can also shift over time.

Psychosis can also affect anyone—there are certain demographics certain disorders are more likely to occur in, but this could just as easily be due to biases in diagnostic criteria or professionals themselves as it could be due to an actual statistical correlation. If you want to figure out how a psychotic character behaves on a day-to-day basis, then you’re better off shaping who they are as a person beyond their psychosis first, then incorporating their psychosis into things.

(A note about this: I consider my psychosis a major part of me, and I firmly believe that I would be a very different person without it; that’s why I refer to myself as a “psychotic person” rather than “a person with psychosis.” However, there is a difference between that and unpsychotic people making psychotic characters’ only trait their psychosis.)

4) Treatment for psychosis differs from person to person. The same things don’t work for everyone.

Some people are on antipsychotics; others aren’t. Medication is a personal choice and not a necessity—no one should be judged either for being on medication or for not being on medication. There are many reasons behind either option. Please do not ask psychotic people about their medication/lack thereof unprompted.

If you want to depict a psychotic character on medication, then research different forms of antipsychotics and how they affect psychotic people. I’ve never been on medication and don’t really plan to be (though if I ever do, I’m definitely taking a note from Phasmophobia’s book and calling them “Sanity Pills.” Just to clarify, I don’t want unpsychotic people repeating this joke, but if you want some insight on how some of us regard our health…), so you’re better off looking elsewhere for this sort of information!

I’m not going to get into my personal opinions on institutionalization and the psychiatry industry in general now, but institutionalization is, while common, also not necessary, and many psychotic people—and mentally ill and neurodivergent people in general—have faced harm and trauma due to institutionalization. Again, I can’t offer direct personal experience, but I recommend steering clear of plotlines directly related to psychiatric hospitals.

I would also like to emphasis the word treatment. Psychosis has no cure. It is possible for psychosis to only last a single episode (whether because it’s only due to stress/another outside factor or because it is treated early), or for symptoms to be greatly reduced over time and with treatment, but for the most part, psychotic people are psychotic for life.

However, with proper support networks and coping skills, many psychotic people are able to lead (quote unquote) “normal” lives. What coping mechanisms work for what people differs, but some psychosis-specific coping mechanisms might be:

Taping webcams for delusions of persecution/surveillance (which is honestly also just something everyone should do with webcams that aren’t in use)

Covering/closing windows for similar reasons

Using phone cameras/audio recordings to distinguish visual and auditory hallucinations from reality (most of the time, a hallucination won’t show up on camera, though it’s possible for people to hallucinate something on a camera screen too)

Similarly, removing glasses/contact lenses to check a visual hallucination

Asking people you trust (because of stigma and delusions, this might not be a long list) to check for symptoms of an oncoming episode

Avoiding possible triggers for psychosis (for example, I don’t engage with horror media often because a lot of it -- both psychological horror and slasher-type things -- can trigger delusions and hallucinations)

I’d also like to mention that treatment isn’t a clean, one-way process; especially with certain disorders, it’s normal to go up and down over time. I’d honestly be really uncomfortable with a psychotic character whose symptoms don’t affect their life whatsoever. There are ways you can write how psychosis affects someone that are… weird, which I’ll touch on, but overall, I think it’s better to actually depict a psychotic person whose symptoms have a clear impact on their life (even if that impact is, say, they’re on medication that negates some of their symptoms).

Just to reiterate: I am not a medical professional and cannot offer real-life advice regarding treatment, especially medication. Please do not ask me too detailed questions regarding this.

5) There are a lot of stereotypes and stigma surrounding psychosis.

The way psychosis is perceived both by general society and the field of psychology has changed a lot over the years, but even now, it still remains highly stigmatized and misunderstood. Wall of text incoming, but it’s important stuff.

Typical media portrayal of psychosis tends to fall into specific categories: The scary, violent psychotic person, or the psychotic person who is so crazy you can’t help but laugh. There are other bad depictions, but these are generally the ways I see psychotic people regarded and represented the most, so I want to address them directly.

Let’s talk about psychosis in horror first. Psychosis is often stereotyped as making people aggressive and violent. You’ve all seen the “psychotic killer” trope and depictions of people who are made violent and evil by their psychosis, even if it’s not explicitly named as the case. You’ve all seen “psychotic” used as a negative adjective, used synonymously to murderous, evil, harmful, violent, manipulative, etc—maybe you’ve even used it that way in the past. There’s no denying that the way society regards psychotic people is overwhelmingly negative, and that leaks into media.

If you are considering giving a violent, irredeemable antagonist psychosis, consider this: Don’t. More or less every psychotic person hates this trope. It’s inaccurate and, needless to say, rooted in ableism.

There are racialized aspects to this as well. People of color, especially Black and Latine people, are already stereotyped as being aggressive, violent, and scary; there’s also a history of overdiagnosis (and often misdiagnosis) of schizophrenia in Black people, especially civil rights activists. White and white-passing people will only be singled out if someone notices us exhibiting psychotic symptoms, but Black and brown people are already under scrutiny. Be extra cautious about how you write psychotic characters of color.

I’m not saying you can never give a psychotic person, say, a temper; in some cases, it might even make sense. Spells of uncontrollable anger are part of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, for example, and irritability is a common trait of manic episodes. Some delusions and hallucinations can affect aggression (emphasis on can—it would be inaccurate to imply that this is always the case. Once again, each person has a different experience with their psychotic symptoms).

But when the only psychotic or psychotic-coded characters you write are angry and violent, even when the situation doesn’t call for it, then there’s a problem. When you want to write a schizophrenic character, but only in a situation where they’re going on a killing spree, there’s a problem.

Studies have shown that no substantial link exists between psychosis and violence. There is a small association, but I think it would be reasonable to say this is partially because of the stigma surrounding psychosis and various other overlapping factors; no violence or crime exists in a vacuum. In addition, though I can’t find any exact statistics on this, psychotic people are susceptible to being victims of violence (likely because of this very stereotype).

On this note, don’t use mental hospitals as a setting for horror, especially if you plan on depicting the mentally ill patients there as antagonistic and unhinged. As mentioned earlier, institutionalization is a huge trigger for many psychotic people. True, psychiatric hospitals have definitely served as a source of trauma and pain for many in the past, but mentally ill and neurodivergent people have been (and are) the victims in those situations.

Also, don’t do the “what if it was all a delusion” thing. I know this is most common in ~edgy~ theories about children’s series, but… yikes.

In the same vein that you should avoid depictions of psychotic people that are ripped straight from a bad horror movie, don’t push it too far into comedy either. You’ve heard “psych ward” jokes, you’ve seen “I put the hot in psychotic” jokes (a supposedly humorous instance of that psychotic as a negative descriptor thing), you’ve heard people say “I have anxiety/depression, but I’m not crazy!”

Even other mentally ill and neurodivergent people constantly throw us under the bus, as can be seen in that last one. We’re the butt of plenty of jokes—we see things that aren’t there, we talk to ourselves, we believe things that are just so wacky you can’t believe anyone would think that way. (Even when we don’t.)

If you have to write another character laughing at a psychotic character for their symptoms, then have it swiftly criticized in the text, and try not to imply the reader should find psychosis funny either. Treat psychotic characters’ symptoms with sympathy and understanding, not ridicule.

Psychotic people literally cannot help our delusions/hallucinations/other symptoms. If something we think/say seems “crazy” to you, chances are it does to us as well.

(We’re talking about portraying psychosis in fiction, but this applies to real-life treatment of psychotic people, too!)

Also, I’d like to note—all of this is about the way unpsychotic people view psychotic people. If you see a psychotic person laughing at themself or viewing their symptoms as scary, then that is not an invitation for you to laugh along or go beyond symptoms and think the person is scary for being psychotic. That’s the thing about gallows humor; you have to be the one on the gallows.

Moving on! In romance, there is often a presumption that love can cure psychosis. This is false. No matter how much you love (whether romantically or platonically) and want to help a psychotic person, that alone will not “heal” their psychosis. Please do not depict a psychotic person having to be cured to be happy or in love. It doesn’t work that way.

This doesn’t mean you should stray away from romance in general—I personally would definitely like to see more portrayals of psychotic people being loved and supported, especially in romantic relationships. I’d prefer it not be in spite of their psychosis, either; it would be weird if someone loved a person because of their psychosis, but I don’t think you can really love someone whom you disregard such a large part of either.

Point-blank: Psychotic people are worthy of love and affection, and I think this should show in media as well.

In relation to relationships, I’d also strongly advise steering away from writing family members and friends who see someone’s psychosis as harder on them than for the psychotic person, unless you want to explicitly disavow this behavior. Sure, it probably is difficult for other people to witness my psychotic symptoms. But it’s harder for me to have them.

I’m not sure if this is a widely-held belief, but some people also seem to think psychosis is less common than it is. Psychotic people are all around you, and if you read that as a threat or anything like that, you might need to do some self-evaluating. We exist, online and in person, and we can see and read and hear the things you say about us!

Specifically: By the NIMH’s statistics, roughly 3% of people (3 out of every 100) in the United States will experience psychosis at some point in their lives. Around 100,000 people experience their first episode a year.

This also means that it’s possible unpsychotic people reading this will end up developing a form of psychosis at some point in your life as well. Yes, even without a genetic basis; yes, even as a full-grown adult (see how common psychosis is in neurodegenerative disorders). Now this one is intended as a threat (/hj).

Also, you can’t always tell who is psychotic and who is not. I imagine there are a lot of people who wouldn’t know I’m psychotic without me explicitly saying so. Set aside any notions you might have of being able to identify psychotic people, because they will definitely influence how you might go into writing a psychotic character, and they will definitely end up pissing off a psychotic person in your life. Because… you probably know at least one!

People often regard psychosis as a worst-case scenario—which, again, is something that occurs even by people and in works that uplift mental health in general (something I’ve mentioned before is The Bright Sessions, in which a telepath is misdiagnosed as schizophrenic and has an “I’m not crazy!” outburst). I’ve talked about treatment already, but I just thought I’d say this: Psychosis is not a death sentence nor a “fate worse than death.” It may be difficult for unpsychotic people to understand and handle; it is harder to live with. But being psychotic is not an inherently bad thing, and psychotic people should not be expected to act like our lives are constantly awful and hopeless on account of stigma.

I think that’s all I have to say, so thank you so much for reading, especially if you’re not psychotic! I hope you’ve learned something from this, and once again, fellow psychotic people are more than welcome to add on more information if they’re willing.

[gothicprep]

Meditations on True Crime: A Very Long Post

In around February of this year, I was researching a potential video related to how true crime media portrays websleuths, contrasted against their efficacy in each specific case. The introduction was a brief primer on the genre’s evolution, beginning with its general association with low-budget LifeTime films, to a hobby with more dignity than that. I remember finding an article talking about Serial, and there was some commentary in there from another large true crime podcast host.

I didn’t think it was particularly useful for my purposes, but it said something to the effect of “true crime as a hobby can help women reconcile the trauma related to being in a world that is so hostile to us.” I rolled my eyes at it. It seemed dishonestly saccharine, like it was giving a sort of post-hoc legitimacy to just enjoying whodunnits. I didn’t think about it again for around seven months after I’d read it.

One of the subjects that I intended to talk about was Elisa Lam’s death and the online reaction to it. The story was adapted into a Netflix series a few months prior, and I was freshly reminded of how poorly it all sat with me. If you aren’t familiar with her name, she disappeared in Los Angeles’s Cecil Hotel in 2013, and her disappearance went viral after the respective police department release footage of her behaving strangely in an elevator. The case attained quick viral status and extensive discussion, due to the nature of the video and the hotel’s morbid history. When her naked body was discovered in a rooftop water tank a few weeks later, speculation exploded. But an autopsy isn’t an immediate followup, and the online sleuths would lose themselves to their imaginations in the time between. Many people wanted the murder solved, but many let their speculation fly off the rails. Shady hotel coverups. Metal musician murderers. Fear of the homeless. Ghosts. Demons. Government tuberculosis research. The gang was all there.

If you weren’t active online back then, it’s difficult to properly convey how huge this all was. Everyone was expecting Elisa to have been murdered. Iron-clad. Beyond the shadow of a doubt. She wasn’t. Her death was ruled an accident. She had a severe case of bipolar disorder and she wasn’t taking her medication. The severity of her illness was also not previously disclosed to the public. The working theory is that she experienced a manic episode with psychotic features, climbed in the tank in this state, to eventually strip out of her clothes in late stage hypothermia and drown there. It’s a horrific and painful way to die. All that’s left of you is water contamination – insult to fatal injury.

People weren’t happy with this, but not out of any sympathy for Elisa. There was palpable rage from many who had been following the case. No, she was definitely murdered. No, her killer needs to be brought to justice. No, this isn’t the real story. I don’t like it. I’m not satisfied. There needs to be an ending better than this.

Tragedy isn’t exactly in the habit of being kind to us.

When news of Gabby Petito’s disappearance was spreading, I noticed a lot of similarities between hers and Elisa’s. A woman in her early 20s vanishes while traveling, under very unusual circumstances. Footage was released during both investigations, which portrayed these women in mentally vulnerable states. The story was viral online. People rifled through Gabby’s instagram in the same way they did with Elisa’s tumblr. Social media detectives established an inappropriate amount of investment. Everyone is sure of a specific outcome. The family deserves answers.

Let’s talk about answers for a second. I’d like you to spitball a comprehensive explanation for this one: how could something like this happen? I’m not looking for a “how” in terms of events or circumstances. In this case, this isn’t a question. It’s a protest of the unfairness of it all. My daughter. My sister. My friend. Someone who meant so much to me. It’s a prayer to a vacant sky. It’s not a question, it’s agony. Nothing shy of resurrection can feel like justice. Even if the case leads to a criminal trial and conviction, it does nothing to fill the void loss burns within us. There is no good answer, because there aren’t answers at all.

Let’s talk about ourselves for a second. I noticed many people draw parallels between what they’d seen on the bodycam footage and their own experience with abusive partners. “This could have been me.” Do you really think this is appropriate? Could have been, would have been – these are statements with hypothetical validity. It has nothing to do with you. To emotionally identify with someone does not evidence anything. You’re here. She’s gone. This isn’t about you. She isn’t in the position where she can co-sign anything you say. If she can’t speak for herself, don’t invoke her.

Let’s talk about true crime for a second. It’s funny how true crime marketed to men has a distinctly different texture than true crime marketed to women. The former seems to involve knocking the perpetrator down a peg. It portrays them as something worth our disgust and ridicule. The latter tends to foster emotional identification with the victim. Podcasts and other media in this category tend to be by women, for women, and generally discuss women. This story is presented as catharsis for women who see themselves as similar to them. This woman is no longer a person, but an idea. And it makes me think of that stupid article quote that I resent myself for not having bookmarked. This is reconciliation. These women, in their passing, can be a motivating factor for us to break up with that one dumbass guy. I’m so happy this was a wakeup call. I’m so happy that this made me think about my own experiences. I’m so happy that this did so much for me. Sure, someone actually died, but what is that when compared to my own self-actualization?

I made a comment on Twitter about how disgusted I was with how people spoke of Gabby in such an evasively self-interested way, and someone who likely was of no relation to her interjected with how the family deserved the truth. Truth? What truth? What peace will grisly details give them? Is there any meaningful difference between knowing your loved one died of murder or collapsed from exposure? Or are you just a nosey person who’s projected an inappropriate emotional dog in this fight? Do you want answers for her family, or for your own curiosity?

I really don’t trust shit like that, nor am I willing to give leniency to people who say such things. I think we’ve been conditioned to relate to dead women in a way that’s completely separate from who they actually were. Alive, they’re deep, multifaceted individuals, with an array of likes, dislikes, quirks, and endless little details. Dead, they’re a concept to serve a purpose. The purpose is generally a form of narrative catharsis. The creep gets thrown in prison. A woman’s abusive partner gets the comeuppance he deserves. The story needs a good ending. The story needs an ending that satisfies me. People aren’t stories. Life is not a novel.

The real trauma of others will never belong to you. This not your therapy tool or plaything. This is real pain that will never be theoretical for plenty of people. Know your place. Keep your distance. Don’t objectify the dead.

[longitudinalwaveme]

Arkham Files: The Top

Hugo Strange: From the patient files of Dr. Hugo Strange, director of Arkham Asylum. Patient: Roscoe Dillon, also known as the Top. Patient suffers from Bipolar Disorder, type one, and is on the autism spectrum. Session One. Good day, Mr. Dillon. 

The Top: I am not autistic, Doctor Hugo Strange.

Hugo Strange: Mr. Dillon, the psychologist at Iron Heights has tested you for the condition multiple times, and the results are always consistent with your being on the autism spectrum. What’s more, the psychological tests we gave to you upon your arrival to Arkham Asylum also suggest that you are, indeed, autistic. 

The Top: I do not care what that quack at Iron Heights says, Doctor Hugo Strange. I am not intellectually subnormal. 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Dillon, being on the autism spectrum has nothing to do with your level of intelligence. It simply means that you have difficulty in understanding social cues. 

The Top: In my experience, it is the world that has trouble understanding me, not the other way around. I do not understand why everyone believes that I am odd because I enjoy educating them about tops. Tops are fascinating; certainly much more so than sports or beer or whatever else it is that so-called “normal” people enjoy. 

Hugo Strange: Tops? 

The Top: Yes, tops. You know, Doctor Hugo Strange, the basic principles involved in the spinning of a top are also those used in gyroscopes, guided missile systems, and the gyro stabilizers in ocean liners. Tops are amazing! 

Hugo Strange: Tops? 

The Top: Yes, Doctor Hugo Strange. Tops! 

Hugo Strange: Tops? As in, the children’s toy? 

The Top: Is there something wrong with your hearing, Doctor Hugo Strange? 

Hugo Strange: Do you mean to tell me that, in calling yourself the Top, you are not making a claim as to your superiority, but rather making a reference to a toy? 

The Top: Actually, Doctor Hugo Strange, I am doing both. I am both a living top and at the top of my profession. My costume has stripes on it so that I may better emulate a top when I spin. 

Hugo Strange: Your costume is intended to make you look like a giant top? 

The Top: It is, Doctor Hugo Strange. Why? 

Hugo Strange: Well, that certainly explains its...unusual appearance. 

The Top: (Offended) My costume is no more unusual than that of the Trickster or the Mirror Master, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: I didn’t say that it was, Mr. Dillon. 

The Top: Good. (Pause) Now, Doctor Hugo Strange, would you care to explain why I was transported to an institution a thousand miles away from my base of operations upon my most recent arrest? 

Hugo Strange: I wish I knew myself, Mr. Dillon. The workings of the judicial system as it regards the costumed population never cease to bewilder me. However, I must say that I am glad to have you here, Mr. Dillon. You are clearly mentally ill, and Iron Heights clearly has made no progress in treating your condition. 

The Top: I am not mentally ill, Doctor Hugo Strange! 

Hugo Strange: Mr. Dillon, mental illness is not a sign of a moral or intellectual deficit. It simply means that your brain has become diseased, just as any other part of your body might. 

The Top: Nevertheless, I maintain that I am not mentally ill, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Doctor Strange: According to your record, when you first became the Top, you threatened to blow up half the world with a, quote, “atomic grenade”  if all the governments of the world did not acknowledge you as the ruler of the world within ten hours. You did this while under the belief that you would somehow be safe on the other side of the planet should the bomb go off. Mr. Dillon, can you spot the flaw in this plan? You are obviously an intelligent man. 

The Top: Of course I can, Doctor Hugo Strange. If half the planet was blown up, the entire planet would have been devastated. Even if I was on the other side of the planet from the epicenter of the explosion, I likely still would have been killed.

Hugo Strange: (Shocked) Wait...you actually built an atomic grenade with the power to blow up half the world? 

The Top: Of course. I am a genius, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: You built an atomic grenade that could spin around like a top and possessed the capacity to blow up half the world? 

The Top: You have a dreadful habit of repeating yourself, Doctor Hugo Strange. But yes, I did. 

Hugo Strange: Then all those other tops your record claims you invented actually worked as well? And you actually made a giant top-shaped satellite that you launched into orbit? 

The Top: I am supposed to have a mood disorder, not a psychotic disorder, Dr. Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: Well, yes, but severe bouts of mania and depression are known to sometimes bring on psychotic symptoms. I had thought that your claims of having successfully invented such an improbable array of top-shaped weapons were the result of delusions brought on by one of your mood episodes. 

The Top: No. The quack at Iron Heights says that I was having a manic episode during my attempt to become ruler of the Earth, and that that is why I did not realize the flaws in my plan. They allege that I was having “mood-congruent delusions of grandeur and invulnerability”, but at no point did they accuse me of outright hallucinating. Surely that is in the report, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: (Annoyed, but not with the Top) While I do not fully agree with your assertions that the psychologist at Iron Heights is a quack, Mr. Dillon, I must admit that they are distinctly lacking in some key areas-such as specifying which of your behaviors and claims were the results of a mood episode and which were not. Knowing that you have had at least five manic episodes and at least three depressive episodes is worthwhile knowledge, but without adequate context, how do they expect me to know what behaviors are a sign that you are no longer in a healthy state of mind? 

The Top: Three depressive episodes, Doctor Hugo Strange? As far as I am aware, the quack has only had me hospitalized for depression twice. 

Hugo Strange: That is because the first listed depressive episode was an attempted suicide at the age of 17, which would have been before you ever went to prison. 

The Top: Oh. Yes, that did...that did happen, Doctor Hugo Strange. It was how I learned that taking a dozen different types of pills is not the most efficient way in which to kill oneself. 

Hugo Strange: (Alarmed, but making an effort to remain calm) You aren’t planning to make another attempt, are you? The Top: No, no. I have far too much to live for-and besides, my fianceé would never forgive me if I killed myself, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: Your fianceé?

The Top: Yes. Her name is Lisa Snart, although you, Doctor Hugo Strange, are likely more familiar with her nom de guerre: the Golden Glider. 

Hugo Strange: So, another one of the Rogues? 

The Top: Yes. I met her while posing as an ice skating coach, and we have been deeply in love ever since, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: I see. How long have the two of you been romantically linked? 

The Top: About seven years now, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: In other words, the relationship began shortly after your second attempted suicide? 

The Top: I admit I was in a rather dark place at that point in my life, Doctor Hugo Strange. My beloved was responsible for helping to pull me out of it. 

Hugo Strange: (Concerned) And what would happen if she died, or broke off your relationship? 

The Top: That will not happen, Doctor Hugo Strange. 

Hugo Strange: But if it did? 

The Top: (Agitated) I… I don’t know. She...she’s the only person who ever really loved me, Doctor Hugo Strange. The only one. 

Hugo Strange: I’m concerned that you seem to be placing your mental stability and overall self-esteem so heavily on one relationship, Mr. Dillon. That cannot be healthy, for either one of you. (Pause) I know you don’t believe yourself to be mentally ill, but for Lisa’s sake, if nothing else, I really do think that it is urgent that we continue these sessions. 

The Top: I would never do anything to hurt Lisa, Doctor Hugo Strange. Never! 

Hugo Strange: In an earlier manic episode, you threatened to blow up half the world. That would have included your beloved Lisa, would it not? 

The Top: I had not yet met Lisa when I came up with that scheme. If I had known her, I never would have endangered her in such a way, Doctor Hugo Strange.

Hugo Strange: Maybe so, but that incident serves to prove that your judgement is compromised when you are in the midst of a manic episode. While I believe that you would never intentionally hurt Lisa, should you have another manic episode, you might cause harm to her without realizing it. 

The Top: I...I suppose you may have a point, Doctor Hugo Strange. I will take your suggestion into consideration. I certainly do not wish to accidentally harm Lisa. 

Hugo Strange: I’m glad to hear that, Mr. Dillon. (Pause) You are a metahuman, correct? 

The Top: Do you think I am wearing this collar because it is fashionable, Doctor Hugo Strange? 

Hugo Strange: A metahuman power dampener. Well, I suppose that answers that question. What powers do you possess, Mr. Dillon? 

The Top: I have the ability to spin at superhuman speeds, I am telekinetic, and I have a limited degree of telepathy, Doctor Hugo Strange. I cannot read or outright control minds, but I can induce vertigo and push people into doing things that they otherwise might not be inclined to do. 

Hugo Strange: I see. So, Mr. Dillon, what prompted you to put on a costume, call yourself the Top, and use your intellect and your not inconsiderable array of powers to commit crimes? 

The Top: My father always told me that I needed to be a success; get on top of the world. I had to prove that I wasn’t the failure that everyone thought I was...and I did. No one laughs at Roscoe Dillon anymore, Doctor Hugo Strange.

Hugo Strange: Yes, yes...but why do it in a silly costume and with gimmicked tops? 

The Top: I thought we already went over this. It’s because I like tops. They are fascinating. (Pause) Do you want to hear about my collection, Doctor Hugo Strange? There’s so much you could learn from it. 

Hugo Strange: Perhaps some other time, Mr. Dillon. (Pause) And the Flash had nothing to do with your decision to put on the costume? 

The Top: The Flash? You insult me, Doctor Hugo Strange. Why would I ever be inspired to do anything by someone like him? 

Hugo Strange: Isn’t he your enemy? 

The Top: Only because he constantly stands in the way of my achieving greatness. If he left me alone, I would not fight him….but as it is, he’s made things rather personal. 

Hugo Strange: So the reason you have continued to commit crimes is in order to get revenge on the Flash? 

The Top: Really, Doctor Hugo Strange, you must get your hearing problems checked out. I do not commit crimes to get revenge on the Flash. I commit crimes to make myself wealthy and to get revenge on the world. It rejected me; branded me as a freak. I simply rejected it in turn. 

Hugo Strange: And has your life of crime made you happy, Mr. Dillon? 

The Top: Not yet...but I am afraid, Doctor Hugo Strange, that it does not matter whether being a criminal makes me happy or not. It’s the only life that will ever accept someone like me. I learned that lesson long ago. 

Hugo Strange: I stand by my initial assessment of you, Mr. Dillon. You need help. I just hope you will permit me to provide it. 

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

honestly had a perfect day, only thing i wish i had squeezed in was a workout... time for me to reiterate how profoundly grateful i am to be back on meds... it’s the curse of bipolar and all the illnesses with psychotic features! it’s cruel! 

my manic brain loves to convince me that i’m truly invincible, and then when that mania gets so intense i’m a couple days without any sleep, hearing voices and faraway circus music, seeing figures appearing and disappearing in my periphery, in my doorway, coming closer and closer to me but i’m unable to react, when i close all the blinds and stop answering the phone, going seven or more days without leaving my house or seeing another human being, when my mind is racing with so many epiphanies and ideas and delusions that i begin to lose the ability to generate coherent speech, let alone thoughts that make any sense at all... 

you get so lost in the noise that you just want to end it all, you desperately want to sleep, to be relieved of the chatter and to sit still. the depression that follows isn’t nearly so bad. 

and then, when you manage to live thru one it, you forget how bad it was. you say, i’ve learned from this. i’m going to work so hard this time, it can’t and won’t be worse than that. but each episode is worse than the one before. i am shocked this last one didn’t kill me, and i have little confidence the next one would be survivable. 

and i swear throughout the whole experience that this is better than just taking the fucking meds. that this is just “me” - that i’m an intense, sensitive, rollercoaster of a person, and i can/should embrace that. i think that meds are the enemy because in truth, i believe i am fearful to know and potentially love and be seen as a version of myself that *isn’t* this way. a version of myself that is healthy and can feel emotions on a spectrum that won’t literally kill me one day. 

because life and survival itself is quite frightening to me, bearable or not. yeah, i guess i’m attached to the sickness, because i believe - counterproductively - that that’s what it means to be alive, for me. is that what it is? 

but now that i’m back on meds, i mean, i felt immediately lighter. my inner dialog immediately became intelligible and clear instead of cripplingly overstimulating. i slept. i ate. i was able to do my chores and open emails. i was able to finish things that i started. i called friends, and my friends could follow my speech, and i went outside. the fear, the paranoia, mostly dissolved. i feel a sense of hope, and that’s the most powerful part of it all. i need to remember: *this* is living. and maybe, this is the real me. regardless, i pray i pray i pray i don’t forget how much relief and joy and gratitude i feel right now

[xiaosweetheart]

‼TW‼ HEAVY talks of weed/weed use, e*ting d*sorders; mentions of a psychotic episode, hallucinations; overall neglectful parental themes ???

‼VENT BELOW THE CUT‼ DONT FEEL LIKE U HAVE TO READ THIS I JUST NEED TO BITCH AB MY MOM

so. for some context. the last time i had taken a t-break was in like. the last two weeks of july, a few days into august. since then i'd been high for literally three months straight, and i smoked Every Single Day in october (which lead to a psychotic episode, but thats a convo for a different day). (also i do not believe she knows i was high fkr 3 months straight and she Definitely doesnt know i smoked Every day in october which like ............ as a parent ............... shouldn't u have some sort of awareness ? or something ab that ????)

and so anyway, my parents r like genuinely neglectful yasss 😍😍 they think offering me weed will just fix ???? all my mental problems 😭 and so anyway, my dad was hinting to him leaving the bong outside and that i should go smoke and i was like "it's no weed november" and my mom goes oh my god GROW UP. bc i'd been "bitchy all of november" [i'd been sober for 18 days :( ] like ............. yeah girl i was high for three months straight ofc ur gonna see my sober personality now .................

but i cave and go out to smoke w my friend, who had just gotten here moments after her telling me to grow up, and so i get baked as fuck blah blah blah and anyway she was outside and i go up to here like "yeah ur right i needed this 🙁" and she lectures me ab how i shouldn't be totally sober and that if i need a tbreak then to only smoke once or twice a week and to jusy keep using weed as a medicine for when things r bad — which is mostly true i do use weed to medicate, but then that brings me to my next point

after that i had a v enlightening talk w my friend ab my only two options being manic and/or psychotic [weed induced] or hollow, empty, and numb. and how i'll start smoking when things get bad (empty) and that leads me to becoming dependent on it which leads to weed induced psychosis but its only bad when i'm alone so i enter a state of mania and become very people dependent and extroverted bc ill genuinely hallucinate when im alone 😭😭😭 i dont think this paragraph was actually necessary to include ? but im sharing it anyway 😍 to surmise, that convo brought many new symptoms to light and i realize that i am More Than Likely bipolar yasss slay 😍😍

after all that we go back inside i forget what happens leading up to this next convo, but we got onto the topic of ??????? them asking me what i want from store cause i was like "yall never buy me anything i like" and so my parents were like name one thing you've asked us to buy u so i go "oo poptarts ! the strawberry ones !!" and ............ oh lord. THIS IS WHERE THE CONVERSATION AB THE ED BEGINS.

my mom was like thats junk food those r literal trash im not buying u trash to eat and i said something is better than nothing (bc it literally is ??????) amd she said she doesnt care and i go "ok well ur not the one w an eating disorder" and then. THEN. she laughed at me amd said "[caligula] is always using threats whenever he doesn't get what he wants. fine whatever, waste yourself away." WHEN SHE KNOWS I HAVE AN ED ????????

AND LITERAL DAYS BEFORE THIS, whenever we went out to eat the other day i went to go piss like twice in 15 minutes bc i'd had two bigass things of spirte or whatever yk and then when we were leaving and getting in the car or whatever and my mom literally asked if i had made myself throw up in the bathroom ?????????

so. uhm. yeah thats it 🥰 anyway posessive hcs coming soon <3

[suometar]

Power song of the day: Wake up by Smash into Pieces

You can not resist, like a moth to a flame -- You know it will burn, but sometimes you enjoy the pain

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus) Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- From a life in fantasy -- Someday you're gonna wake up -- Gonna wake up -- And realize it's not meant to be -- You stumble in the dark cause you close your eyes -- Guided by the sweet talk lullaby -- But someday you will wake up -- You will wake up From a life in fantasy -- Wake up!

You try to cut everyone out of your life -- So no one can question how you can believe the lies

This is your favorite game -- But you're gonna be defeated -- And you're never gonna beat it -- Controls you like a slave -- But you gotta stop pretending -- You won't get a happy ending

(Chorus)

You're in the fire, what do you do? -- You wake up -- The final round is waiting for you

(Chorus)

Why? Well...

I'm coming down from mania.

Which sucks. And here's a glimpse into my 30 or so years experience of this nonsense.

But before I say more I want to say to everyone who I have been venting during the last month or so:

Please don't think that you have contributed in making my situation worse. You haven't. The fuel for all of it comes from within myself. I am nothing but crateful that I have had a chance to vent to someone because otherwise it all would've just clumped inside me and that would've made the situation worse.

And besides, not all venting has been caused just by mania. When I'm manic it doesn't remove the normal thoughts and feelings I have.

When you're stuck in a tar pit created by a certain person for who knows how many years in a row it's obvious it's not just the mania. I think you guys know what that's like :D

Coming down is like a really really really REALLY bad hangover

Except that you can remember every single thing you've done, the things you've felt, the things you've planned, what you thought of. EVERYTHING.

And you KNOW they're all just a result of the chemical imbalance of your own brain.

Coming down doesn't mean necessarily that I'm now depressed. It's just getting back to your normal state from mania.

But the bad hangover is real. If you've experienced that you know what it's like. Regrets after regrets.

What's mania like

That ecstacy of mania is an immense rush you don't really know unless you've experienced it yourself.

It's difficult to describe, but I think falling in love really hard and fast is the closest that describes it best. You have butterflies in your stomach all the time, you're hyperfixating on that one person and you feel invincible, like everything in your life is finally perfect and you're in control like never before.

Or even better: It's like being on speed, except without the drugs. Overstimulated 24-7-365.

Hyperfixation is typical for mania

In my case the hyperfixation can be basically anything from men (real or fictional, doesn't really matter lol) to any action, hobby or even work, totally depends on the situation.

What I do is I dedicate all my time to that one thing and one thing only even though I know it's not healthy.

Thank god I've learned to control it so that it won't take ALL of my time anymore, but it still is there. And I need to cater it to some extent or I won't be able to do anything.

It's like having a parasite you can't get rid of but you can make it behave if you give it some attention from time to time.

What's real and what's not? That is the question

When you're having mania it's sometimes super hard to differentiate what's a real thought and what is based on the illusion created by your own mind. And even though I am nowadays capable to tell the difference of my real thoughts/feelings and the ones fueled by mania the later ones do have an effect on me even though I try not to react to them.

The tricky thing is that your body can't tell the difference of a so called real/normal thought/feeling and one created inside my head fueled by mania.

A manic person wants nothing more than get more of the dopamine that fuels the ecstacy. Which easily can lead to a psychotic episode/period.

The saddest part is that manic person usually looks and behaves exactly like any normal person. You can't tell from outside if someone is having mania unless they choose to show it. Psychotic then usually is clearly psychotic and erratic and behaves totally out of character.

Triggers for mania

Anything can basically be a trigger for mania and they vary from person to person. For me it's usually one of the following:

an extreme negative change in life (such as death, divorce or other big things like that),

finding a new crush,

intensive concentration on some activity,

social media, or

as surprising as it might be: music. Especially any with a faster tempo.

Usually though I have already been somewhat hypomanic before the real mania hits. Hypomania though is very hard to notice because I'm somewhat easily excited and impulsive already by nature.

But I've lived with this so long that I know when it's going overboard. My manic mind just usually chooses to say it's nothing and I believe it like a fool - because it feels so good.

This time the trigger for me was intensive concentrating on writing. While the writing was crucial in easing my general anxiety this time it had this unfortunate side effect.

Nonetheless, I'm not quitting writing. Because the anxiety has eased significantly from when I started. I probably need to change the subject for a while and not to write daily or limit it just for 30 mins a day.

How a new crush can happen when you're married, you ask?

Oh, easily. See, with a manic mind a marriage is nothing but an obstacle. Nothing is but an obstacle that is designed to limit you. Because you're omnipotent. And obstacles - well, they're made to be conquered or plowed through.

In my case I've chosen to keep my crushes online and physically as far away from me as possible. I've made a mistake of crushing into someone irl and that was UGLY for all parties involved.

Thirsting over someone from afar online while remaining happily married is by far a better option.

How to control mania or turn it off

Yes, you can turn it off. The problem with that is that usually manic person doesn't

feel like something is wrong, and

doesn't want to get down from the high.

But there are things you can do to get it end sooner.

Log off from all social media. Seriously. Don't just turn notifications off - LOG OFF.

If that's not enough, remove all the social media apps from your phone. You can always install them again.

Turn off your phone if it's possible.

Don't use computer unless it is absolutely necessary - like for paying bills. You don't need to find out what age Barbara Streissand is at 2:30am - or, well, ever.

Social media is by far the biggest contributor for mania. The apps are designed to give us a dopamine rush each time we scroll down any feed and see a new post. That's how they keep us stuck on them.

When you already have an issue with the dopamine rush using social media just makes it worse.

You won't miss anything if you log off for two days or a week. SERIOUSLY. But it will improve your well-being tremendously.

The absolutely best thing you can do is to create as dull environment to yourself as possible. That there's nothing artificial you can drown yourself into. Best place to be in mania is in the middle of the woods without any mobile signal - trust me.

Take up an activity where you do something with your hands. Hands-on approach is crucial.

Doing things with your hands will root you into the real world.

It doesn't matter what it is: cooking, cleaning, handcrafts, drawing or painting (NOT on a computer or ipad but with real pencils/crayons/paints/brushes/etc).

Remember not to do just that though. Go out (without your phone). Enjoy the nature. Listen to the sounds of the outside world. Don't close your senses with headphones. Read. Watch out of the window. Stare at the wall. Watch the paint dry.

LET YOURSELF GET BORED.

Just stay away from any electronic devices.

The hangover is horrible but it'll pass. And you will feel better afterwards when you're functional again.

------

It's not easy. None of us chose to live with bipolar. It's always inherited. But there are ways to work through it.

I hope this helps at least someone.

Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

[poetic-beats]

Are you engaged to a man or a woman? If a man, do you still think about women sexually? I’m engaged to a man and I miss the women side

I’m engaged to a man, we’re both bisexual actually and I’ve asked him a similar question before so I get why you’re asking this. I think I’m not necessarily the best person to ask because 1. He’s been my only sexual partner ever but also I never really had a desire to have sex with anyone regardless of gender as a casual fun thing or anything like I was idk like there were moments for example at university where I could see someone was hot sure and interested but I just couldn’t bring myself to have sex with an essential stranger or someone I knew but didn’t love love, you know? So my experiences with sex and desires for it seem to be exclusive to someone I love for the most part (excluding during bipolar manic episodes I had whilst on a wild anti psychotic that only amplified my mania in which I was all over my partner and could arguably say I thought about women sexually as well not that I ever did anything ofc) So aside from my manic episode where I had a brief period in which I did think about women sexually and briefly feel like I might want that experience/it was something I was missing out on. I can’t really say this is something I feel too much but again my experiences are not everyone’s and I’m not sure I’m in the ‘norm’ when it comes to sex drive and stuff. My partner definitely still thinks about men and fantasises about it, probably has had dreams about it (not that I’ve not had dreams too). Although he doesn’t miss it, he doesn’t feel like he’s missing out on the men side of things because he loves me. It’s kind of an odd question in a way because it’s like asking a straight person in a committed relationship if they miss the causal sex with other women ,and I’d argue if you’re missing sex with women and aren’t satisfied solely by your partner then it’s not a bisexual thing but rather a relationship issue I mean depending on how you really classify ‘missing‘ that side of it. Like I said it’s really normal to fantasise, dream about, watch porn of and jerk off to whatever fantasises you have whether your straight or bisexual and that’s fine but if you’re like really missing out and feel you need a woman in your life alongside your man then I’d say it’s more than just, idk I don’t think that’s a bisexual thing and I’m assuming you’re asking me this because I’ve said I’m bi and you think it potentially is a bi thing to feel. Of course Idk about other bisexual people and maybe me & my partner are the outliers here but for me no not really I don’t feel like I’m missing anything in my relationship with my partner and he doesnt either so I’m not really sure if this helps or not but I can only go by our experiences really.

[blackradandmad]

preface: in this (ridiculously long) post i describe my current journey of getting off my psych medications. i did this under intense supervision of and with the instructions of my licensed psychiatrist. i do not encourage the sudden and/or secret stopping of medications as it poses a direct danger to the patient. i do not encourage either medications or the cessation of medications for any one individual; i trust and don’t judge the decision to take medications or not take them by people living with a mental health diagnosis. i encourage that everyone with a mental health diagnosis is informed of and consenting to every aspect of their care and able to be a self advocate or have an advocate be there for whatever decision they may make.

a few months ago i told my psychiatrist that i would like to taper off and stop my daily medication (lamictal, effexor, seroquel and abilify-- all for my schizoaffective disorder bipolar 1 type) because

-i’ve been labeled as treatment-resistant so i don’t want to keep taking psychotropic medications when it’s clearly not making a significant improvement -my anti-psychotics are the only medication that made a noticeable improvement to me, -BUT the side effects of those anti-psychotics (a neurological disorder called tardive dyskensia that causes uncontrollable facial/mouth/arm/feet movements that worsens my already existing tourette’s, increased appetite leading to unhealthy eating/weight gain, akathisia or an intense inner restlessness, hypersomnia and excessive daytime sleepiness, emotional blunting, nausea, drooling, headaches just to name a few) have become far, far worse than the symptoms they eliminate or soften -the medication quelled my psychotic symptoms long enough for me to be able to gain a lot of peer resources, join mental health groups, get a good therapist, go to inpatient, and learn a looooot of healthy coping skills and boundary setting, and now i feel like if psychosis does rear its head, i can identify it early and have the tools to cope with it without medication

my psych (god bless that weirdass polish mfer) happily said okay, told me i’m a grown and educated woman of a sound mind who made a choice and deserves to be able to follow through with it safely with a professional’s advice, and gave me hand written instructions on how to taper off all of my medication in 2-4 weeks, depending on the medication.

so, i have been off of those drugs for a month now, and wanted to write a little update, if nothing just for me to be able to look back on and read. the tapers were perfect and i had barely any physical effects of getting off the drugs, apart from the occasional headache, some nausea, and that weird like... body buzzing feeling (i can’t explain it but if you’ve come off or switched psych meds i think you’ll know what i’m talking about). the first two weeks of no meds, emotionally, were a bit rough, i’ll be honest. the auditory hallucinations came back full force and i still see shadow people when i’m under high stress/have little sleep. i have not had any violent/command voices, though. i had a lot of bouts of heavy paranoia, i went from being emotionally detached and blunted to feeling normal feelings which made the normal feelings seem overwhelming. i had a mild stint of depression and following my routine and things like adhering to personal hygiene were difficult. however, after week three, things stabled out.

as of now, i don’t always feel the most emotionally stable, but like fuck, i’m feeling! i’m not eating myself out of house and home or drooling on myself or falling asleep after turning on the oven bc of anti-psychotic caused fatigued. i’m crying again, and i thought i’d lost my ability to do that. i have not had a clinically defined depressive, manic, or psychotic episode. i have had near-crisis moments but they pass within a few hours and i have many resources available for me to utilize to cope with them. overall, i am happy with my decision and feel a lot more like myself!

[a-woman-apart]

Watch "I'M BACK! WHY I LEFT YOUTUBE FOR TWO YEARS!" on YouTube

This scared me so badly, because this is EXACTLY what happened in my life, except it was all in The Reverse.

I graduated with an Associate Degree in Music Performance in 2018, but instead of running TOWARDS my dream/calling I ran hardcore AWAY from it. My pride in graduating only lasted a month before I declared myself Utterly Unmarketable and sought to go after a "real degree" and get a Big Girl career.

Between 2018 and 2020 I had major life changes.

My dad died of stomach cancer

I broke up with my neglectful boyfriend

I turned down a Full Ride to a major college

I hospitalized myself for Suicidal Ideation (Sept 2019)

I quit my job of 5 years

I started working for my best friend and became her Office Manager

I started dating the Love of my Life

I lost my friend group and peer support

I lost my mind and left college due to COVID-19 (but not before making one of my best decisions in taking a Screenwriting class because I WANTED not NEEDED it)

Started distancing myself from the toxic women in my life and definining Womanhood/Adulthood for myself

Visited my brother's grave after over a decade of waiting and got closure

Fully acknowledged my childhood trauma/abuse

Rediscovered my sexuality

Was disowned by who I erroneously thought was a close friend of 17 years over my political views

Joined and exited Unity2020

Turned in my car for repossession

Spent a week in the hospital after having a severe, paranoid psychotic break, but came out completely free of the vice of self-consciousness I was living under

You know what is nuts? I feel in many ways, I have completely reverted to who I was in the summer of 2011. I was off my meds, and it WAS mania, but personality-wise, the tempestuous, gum-chewing, cigarette-puffing, flirtatious, humorous, free-spirited ball of fire that drove all the way to Colorado on a whim wasn't rebellious, SHE WAS ME.

I just wasn't Me around the right people, and it wasn't the Right Time.

My inner Sagittarius moon would remain in a dormant state for almost a full decade. I would spend the next 9 years heavily sedated, sleepwalking through life, only alive at The Sound of Music.

It was Torture to feel so much but be afraid to express myself. I had to Hide while doing a major that demanded that I Command Attention. I am by nature "dramatic", "theatrical", "emotional", "expressive" but that part of me was so suppresed that I was frequently told I sang with excellence but without emotion.

Aside: During my 2011 manic episode, I spoke a lot about Doppelgangers. Without going into excessive detail, this is a German word that means "Double" and it is considered bad luck to encounter yours.

In the past 2 weeks, I have encountered people that look/sound like me (Josephine is Nigerian-Canadian and I am Nigerian-American and I kept thinking about her work even though I initially disagreed with her lot) and a woman with my name (different spelling) who was NOTHING like me and I also think might've had malice in mind for me.

I was DEFINITELY an agnostic atheist when I started this year, but as a result of undergoing so much weird shit I almost certainly believe in God, and yes, "God is a Woman." (More on that later)

Also, I realized that I really DID, as many teenage girls, "lose interest in math and science" but that was because of the terrible, unfactual way it was presented in my homeschool curriculum and by my mom, who was a Math major but whose disinterested detachment made every algebra lesson an excercise in torture.

I have always loved biolology and anatomy and I remember so much more chemistry than I thought. Geology class in community college was amazing and also helped me understand-- even more than the Theory of Evolution-- why young earth creationism was completely impossible.

As for math, I spent 15 years thinking it was my greatest weakness when I have had to use arithmetic in cashiering, my managerial work, and my monthly budget for the last 7 years. Also, as annoying as it was to hear constantly, my mom parroting "What you have to do to one side, you have to do to the other" (but in reverse) gave me the ability to do Algebra quickly and (mostly) effortlessly. I could never get A's, but I got a B in Quantitative Mathematics with no real help aside from occasional teacher input and the "Help me solve this" function of MyMathLab.

Here is where it Gets Weird. I am a Creative. I have been writing stories since I was 6 years old. I have loved Story all my life. My parents were in math and science fields and they completely lacked any creativity. COMPLETELY. It was part of why they were so religiously rigid, authoritarian, and draconian. There was no room for spontaneity or childish imaginativeness.

Looking back, I had major sensory and processing issues. I was likely speech delayed, I learned to read late, and I recently confirmed that when I am stressed my dyscalculia kicks in bad (it IS real). Numbers and symbols get really interchangeable (like an 8 and infinity symbol become kinda the same) which is why I had to recite phone numbers out loud to remember them or write them on colorful backgrounds so I can see them in my head as an image. Also explains my aversion to math but my ease with fractions (1/2 is half a sandwich, etc).

My spatial awareness is also shit when stressed. Before I turned in our car, I had earned the nickname "U-turn" from my boyfriend because on that Floating Death Machine left and right got completely crossed, frequently.

By the way, I struggled with right and left until I WAS EIGHT YEARS OLD. I literally didn't understand the concept of a mirror and 3D space, meaning that the basic understanding that my right is someone else's left didn't come into play until I had an argument with my [now-deceased] brother about it.

What is so weird, is that because of years of correcting for these issues, my sense of direction, ON FOOT is good, if not better than most people. Also, once I realized that, given the opportunity, I very much do whatever I can with my left-hand, and that my hearing is MUCH better than I even thought, I am far less clumsy. Depth perception is still crap, but that is probably also because I was forced to spend years without the glasses I needed (and got earlier this year after living with chronic eye strain)

When I talk about these "issues" it is in line with female autism, but you know what? If really do have adult autism, then I am a Complete Boss because I have pwned that ho.

After being rehospitalized, a kind nurse suggested I may have PTSD and suggested medicine for insomnia and nightmares. It was extremely helpful. I had been looking into C-PTSD for a while, because I didn't think I had "suffered enough" to have "real" PTSD. But that isn't how diagnoses work.

Btw, I still have Bipolar I, Psychotic Features. Another kind nurse told me I don't need anti-psychotics, and no, I don't. I was given Zyprexa by a bitch nurse and it was like getting drunk. I stumbled the halls, almost fell over (possibly did) and woke up with a neon "Fall Risk" bracelet. Anti-psychotics also fucked up my menstrual cycle for years and I have had lingering hormonal isssues. Haha no thanks.

Anyway, I digress. Of course I am fucked up. I lived under family members who questioned my reality, attempted to crush my dreams, threatened me with physical punishment any time I behaved in non-neurotypical ways, violated my rights and interfered with my treatment even though I was a full legal adult, undermined my relationships, tortured and socially isolated me, etc., all under the guise "of knowing best."

In minority cultures, our darkness hides in plain sight, and ESPECIALLY in the Bible Belt, with its supeestition and idolization of familial hierarchy/patriarchy, victims of financial, spiritual, emotional, and physical abuse have no where safe to turn. The Long Arm of the Law is often Short when it comes to "breaking up the family", and women and children are victimized openly with little to no intervention.

On top of doing my Creative Work, I plan to create legislation to make sure that what happened to me and my siblings isn't allowed to go unpunished. We lost my older brother, and I almost died, too, but Enough is Enough.

The Time is Now.

P.S. If Josephine is an Air Nomad I identify as a Water Bender. I basically have no water in my astrological chart, but water signs bring me great comfort in times of need (and make bad romantic partners for me obviously)

Also, this is one Bad Biyatch.

I also found out I am an ISFJ, not INFJ. Yep. Gonna be a Playwright and Director. I want to be a part of the action, not just writing about it.

[sickcai]

I went into a thought loop that ended with a weird realization about my BPD. (And i again say, “my”.) It’s not the case for everyone of course but hear me out:

I always see Borderline Personality Disorder depicted as this manipulative disorder that makes people either happy and on a life high or they are literally the spawn of satan. (Summing it up. Literally went onto twitter to find maybe a few BPD resources there and all I say was bad talking it) All BPDs are not the same but we are all equally hurting, let me say that first. Upon thinking about it more I’ve never felt anger. It always sticks to either happy or depressed. I wasn’t really allowed to be angry growing up. It wasn’t, “lady like”. I could have all this pent up anger but it would somehow translate to me hurting myself because I was young and didn’t know how to process emotions or what the fuck I was feeling. Anytime I felt pissed I automatically wanted to hurt myself to alleviate it, just like I did with self harm to help with my depression.

So fast forward later to the present. I’m 22. I got diagnosed when I was 18, misdiagnosed for bipolar disorder (did not like this therapist, I knew I wasn’t bipolar as my grandmother was and she raised me), and then currently being in therapy and re-diagnosed as BPD. I’m now able to sit back whenever I start to split or have an episode and experience firsthand what’s happening, and for the first time I’m able to take a little bit of a breather. (I say little because it’s still very hard for me to identify what is happening and how to fix it; Even if I identify it I still am out of control)

I can very much feel that I don’t know how to express or feel anger. It’s foreign to me. I’ve never been allowed to express it. The only anger I’ve experienced is from abusive parents and an abusive ex. I only know how to react to anger. t’s been more obvious to me over the last few months that I don’t know how to anger, especially healthily, as I’ve reacted to those around me very harshly or instead disassociated to the point I feel like I’m in a bubble. Which of course makes it worse to those around, myself, and etc etc. Hell sometimes when I’m really manic and there’s silence between me and someone I’m with I’ll start to get anxious and be on the verge of a psychotic break thinking they hate me that will literally bring me to tears (I told y’all mania was the special seasoning) then suddenly when they’re gone I’ll get angry and hate them for god knows why. I haven’t lashed out at anyone ever and I think this is a big flag (atleast for me). The anger I do have is instantly filled with regret and I don’t let myself really be angry. When I am I find a cope out. I’ll drink, smoke, do some other things to reduce that anger and I honestly think that’s what’s hurting me a lot more than I’m expecting it to.

I don’t know how to be ‘angry’ at anyone except myself if I know how to be angry at all. This feeling I’ve experienced that makes me want to jump off a building sometimes and hurt myself is just another emotion but it feels so foreign, like I’ve never felt it before. I didn’t think of a solution to this realization but, it’s something. Atleast I know what it is now.

[scoutbert]

I experienced psychosis. This is what I want people to know.

TW: talks of mental illness, mention of suicidal thoughts/ideation.

I don't really talk about this that much because there is SO much stigma and misinformation. Like so bad. And it's really personal and I feel like people get shit on for talking openly about it "too much" or whatever. But I have experienced psychosis and occasionally I get some symptoms of it. Most people hear "psychosis" and immediately think of something like a naked man running around in public, or someone wearing a tinfoil hat to keep the government out of their brain. While those things can and do happen, that's more of a generalized stereotype. Experiencing psychosis is NOT the same as having schizophrenia; psychosis is a symptom rather than an illness. Psychotic episodes may last a few hours or several weeks. Below I have a list of some experiences people who are psychotic may experience. The parts in asterisks are those I have firsthand experienced.

Behavioral: aggression, agitation, *disorganized behavior*, hostility, *hyperactivity*, hypervigilance, lack of restraint, nonsense word repetition, persistent repetition of words or actions, *repetitive movements, restlessness, self-harm*, or *social isolation*

Cognitive: belief that an ordinary event has special and personal meaning, belief that thoughts aren't one's own, *confusion, difficulty thinking and understanding, disorientation, false belief of superiority, memory loss, racing thoughts, slowness in activity, thought disorder, thoughts of suicide, or unwanted thoughts*

Mood: anger, *anxiety, apathy, excitement, feeling detached from self, general discontent, limited range of emotions, loneliness, or nervousness*

Psychological: *depression, fear, hearing voices*, manic episode, *paranoia, persecutory delusion*, religious delusion, or *visual hallucinations*

Speech: deficiency of speech, *excessive wordiness*, incoherent speech, or *rapid and frenzied speaking*

Also common: *nightmares* or tactile hallucination

Most likely, someone who is in psychosis is NOT VIOLENT OR A THREAT. People with mental illness are as likely to be violent or criminal as neurotypical people. Most aggression stems from the beliefs of being persecuted or confused and disoriented.

When I was 15 I had an acute psychotic episode. I was hearing 2 voices, both of which basically kept telling me to kill myself whenever I was near something I could harm myself with. Walking over a bridge, near a highway/train tracks, cutting food, shaving, etc. I had nightmares every night about being chased and hunted by the mundane people in my life- teachers, doctors, family, friends. My grades plummeted at school because I barely knew what was going on. I had few friends. It was terrifying and lonely. I went to Butler Hospital (inpatient) and was stabilized but over medicated. Seroquel. Terrible drug. Killed the voices but made me gain a lot of weight and fall asleep constantly in public. I stopped taking it because I became convinced my doctors were part of a gigantic corporate scam to poison my "brilliant mind" specifically to stop me from being a whistleblower, a savior of the people so to speak. I am mostly stable now.

Lately I have been having a *few* symptoms. Mild ones- mild enough I have insight that I am experiencing them, rather than not having insight and being duped by the symptoms. I believe these are the product of certain substances I use recreationally. As a result, I am going to stop doing them.

The reason I wrote this post is because I am starting to realize sometimes the people around me might notice some of these behaviors from me. I may say things that don't make sense, only have "loose associations" to the conversation, talk too fast, too much, or use too many words to get a relatively simple point across. Or even fail to get a point across. I may not hear you at all, I may look like my brain is a thousand miles away, I might say strange things. You may notice me "zoning out" but I may be focusing on a subtle hallucination, which consists of psychedelic-looking overlay on normal items such as geometric figures, or warping of figures. I may seem nervous or fidgety/make repetitive movements like rocking. I might laugh inappropriately (when something isn't that funny or doesn't make sense to be laughed at) or have a lack of appropriate emotional response to certain things (not crying to very sad things, or being very emotional/angry over very little things.) Some of these are cross-occurring due to being depressed and having PTSD.

I want the people in my life to know I'm not a danger to them. I am in counseling, I'm on medications, I know when it's time to seek a higher level of care (hospitalization.) I ask for empathy, understanding, support and most importantly, your patience. I'm still the same Scout. All these things have affected my life for 5 years and I barely told anyone. In fact I'm pretty sure everyone who reads this didn't know most of this about me.

I really need people to educate themselves on this because the media is full of horseshit. It is a disgusting lack of truth and rife with stereotypes/misinformation. I also request that er stop throwing the words "psycho" and "delusional" around as insults to people we don't like/disagree with because it furthers the stigma and reutilizes the MEDICAL language so important to my life. I see everyone calling for people to be more sensitive about saying they're "so bipolar/OCD/ADHD" as casual adjectives rather than tangible disorders and also call for that same energy to be applied to things such as psychosis/mania/etc.

If anyone has any questions please PM me privately. Thanks.

[bipolarneon]

get to know neon

thanks to @phoenix-rising-and-falling for giving me the template.

General

Type 1 or type 2? I don’t know. Those who diagnosed me didn’t tell me, so. I don’t really care, anyway, as long as we know what’s going on in my brain.

Self-dx or professional dx? Professionally. I wanted this. I wanted a professional diagnosis for what was going on with me. And after a month in a psych ward I got it. The reasons are multiple and stem from feelings of powerlessness, to fear of the unknown, to exceptionality and omnipotence. A lot to unpack here, huh?

Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure? Depressed (slowly coming out of a mixed episode state.)

Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? Borderline Personality Disorder (self-diagnosed.) The actual diagnosis says Personality Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, in the future months tests will be run on me to determine which disorder it actually is but I personally suspect BPD.

When did you first start having symptoms? I didn’t know they were symptoms back in the day. I recently had suicidal tendencies and bad self-harming and risky impulsive behaviour in various areas of life, plus I was delusional on a specific situation/individual, so I ended up hospitalized for my own safety. In the hospital, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder because I told them about those times I was staying up till 5am reading and writing articles, those full months I could go on with 2 hours of sleeping maximum, those situations where I was feeling incredibly elated and omnipotent in saving the world, those times I tried to run away from home without documents and came home the same evening to go to martial art training, those times I was speaking so fast anyone could understand me or pacing everywhere because I couldn’t stay still. Don’t know. I told them a bunch of stuff and they did their job. Looking back, the bipolar disorder diagnosis fits.

When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? Um, a few weeks ago. I was strangely relieved.

Have you ever received a misdiagnosis? No.

How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? I thought I was the most self-aware person on the Planet, turns out it may not be exactly the case ‘cause in the past I didn’t recognized any symptom and right now I don’t know, I’m still only depressed, have yet to change state. Still, I think I’m pretty aware on my mental schemes and processes overall.

How many people know about your bipolar disorder? My medical team, my family, the only one friend I have, you guys on Tumblr.

Are any of your family members bipolar? No.

Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. First and foremost, I relate to Rue Bennet who is actually bipolar, so. Then, since he is my totem character and the very reason of my existence, I headcanon Anakin Skywalker as bipolar, beside the many disorders I already headcanon him to have.

Hypo/mania

When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? I think several of the above but I’m not sure, I don’t remember entirely my hypomanic states since they happened years ago. Also, I think it was always hypomania, I never reached full mania yet.

What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? I can’t exactly count since it happened years ago and I wasn’t aware of being bipolar at the time, but I think it’s been years with bouts of depression and some shorter fits of stronger hypomania.

Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? Yes, I did. I was hospitalized after a mixed episode with psychotic features. I had delusions regarding one particular person, but I’m stopping here, this is too much.

What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? Run away from home without documents or money, a lot of stuff involving homemade activism, climbed rocks that should not have been climbed, had sex with many guys randomly, drank a lot in order to feel bad and miserable, etc.

What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? This is gonna sound weird but it never happened to me. I never went on a spending spree. Mostly because I have no money with me when I go out. It happened with food, though. That maybe I had already eaten but I took an entire new dish without knowing or understanding why I did it.

What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? I genuinely don’t remember. Surely I was able to go on for looong time (like entire years) sleeping only 2-3 hours per night.

Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? NOT YET. BUT I WILL. (I’ve made those stupid drawings I posted on the blog though.)

Depression

When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? I’d say all of the above, but mostly suicidal, guilty and anxious.

What has been your longest depressive episode? Three years, I think.

How do you cope with depression? I don’t. I don’t even want to. I want to feel bad, I want to feel all the pain in the world, so go figure (this doesn’t mean I’m anti-recovery, just that my mental illness wants me to be.)

Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? Insomniac. And my appetite hasn’t changed much.

When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? Like- ten seconds ago? I’m very emotional nowadays.

Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. I cut myself, burnt myself, scratched myself, stopped taking meds…

Have you had problems with substance abuse? Alcohol and marijuana have been a thing and regular cigarettes too.

Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? No.

Have you ever attempted suicide? No. I have a duty in this world and as long as that duty lives on, I live on. But I have dreamt of dying so much it feels reality by now.

Have you ever written a suicide note? Not quite. It was the note I left when I ran away from home. I wasn’t a suicide letter but somehow it sounded like one.

Other symptoms and Treatment

Do you ever dissociate? It happened. It’s not so frequent but it happened. Not exactly sure I do it in the most severe way possible but still, I do.

Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? No. I had this sort of slight auditory hallucination where I was hearing my own voice telling me bad things over and over, but it wasn’t a full-blown hallucination.

Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? I’m seeing a therapist and yes, it’s helping. I’ve been seeing them since I was 15, and as I already wrote somewhere, without them I would be probably dead or in a cult.

Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? Yes, I am. I don’t know if they’re helping or not, but generally think they don’t. They merely keep you slowed down enough to stop your scariest impulses.

Have you ever been hospitalized? Yes, I’ve been hospitalized for one month. It’s been nightmare to me, it felt like a prison. But I made through this and now I feel it helped me, somehow. Gave me more skills in my fight against mental illness.

Have you ever attended group therapy? No.

Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? I didn’t have a diagnosis a year ago but sure as hell I was in a better shape than I am now, so we definitely can say I got worse over the years.

Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? No, that didn’t happen but in the end I’ve just been diagnosed, it’s a bit early to say.

Do you have a favorite coping method? I don’t have a favourite coping method because I don’t cope, I dive in the pain, I dive in the suffering and in the bleakness. I dive right in and hope to drown.

If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you? This is a tricky one. I’m expected to answer ‘yes,’ but I think I’ll answer ‘no.’ Who would I be without my mental illness? Without my problematicity? Without my pain? No one. So, no. I’d rather struggle the rest of my life but cling to the broken identity I have than be neurotypical but essentially no one (reminder that this works for me and my flawed brain, I’m not saying neurotypical people are shit.)

[conversationswithmybipolarchild]

#2: WHAT IS BIPOLAR DISORDER?

FELICITY: Bipolar disorder is a mental illness. Key word one: “illness,” meaning you are afflicted with it. Key word two: “mental,” it being a part of the brain. 

F: Mental health is as important as physical health. They are both very important, they go hand in hand. Bipolar disorder is a chemical imbalance in the brain. Whether or not it comes upon you after a traumatic event, or when puberty hits, or if it- if you show signs when you’re born, it doesn’t matter. it is all a chemical imbalance. 

F: You are born with it, no matter what. You can go...twenty five years without seeing any symptoms, simply because you never had anything to jumpstart your bipolar disorder. But, if you have bipolar disorder, were properly diagnosed with it...you were already born with it. It was already in your brain. 

F: Bipolar disorder is categorized by highs and lows in your mood. That’s why it’s called a mood disorder [edit: it can also be called a psychotic disorder]. Not just simple, everyday highs and lows like everybody has, it’s not just “oh, I feel sad today, it’s not just, “oh, I have a lot of energy.” It’s extreme. 

ANJA: That’s why they’re called poles. That’s why it’s bipolar disorder

F: Yes, it’s the two poles, the high and the low. 

A: The mania and the depression.

F: So mania, is when you...[trails off]...

A: It’s the high. 

F: It’s the high. Mania is the high, that means you have a lot of energy, you are very impulsive, can have a lot of aggression, rage, risky thoughts, risky behaviors.

A: Racing thoughts. 

F: Racing thoughts, absolutely. Nightmares, hallucinations, hypersexuality, violence, paranoia...

A: Also, I don’t think this is an official symptom, but coming from myself and a lot of other bipolar people, you get this feeling where you’re like, crawling in your own skin. 

F: Yeah. Definitely. I hear that one a lot. 

F: So, symptoms of a depressive episode is that you...well, you are depressed. Not just kinda sad, you feel really, really, down. When I’m depressed, and I have major depressive disorder, when I’m depressed I don’t want to get out of bed. I don’t want to take a shower. I don’t want to get dressed, I don’t want to do anything, I don’t want to be anything. 

A: There’s no motivation whatsoever. 

F: No motivation whatsoever. 

A: I don’t get depressive episodes very often because I have bipolar I, and I get manic more than I do depressed. I don’t really- I don’t have to worry about depression, unless I like, unless I have no stimulation in my everyday life. 

F: You have to stay busy in order to not get depressed. I’m the same way. If I don’t want to sit in that pit, I have to stay busy all the time. That’s why I’m constantly going, and going, and going, and doing, because if I just sit for more than a couple days, I’m in that pit and I don’t feel good. 

F: So, another symptom, another result, of bipolar disorder, is uh, suicide. There is a hefty suicide rate among bipolar people. That is- that is the worst part. And as a parent of a bipolar child, knowing the statistics around bipolar disorder and suicide, it’s enough to kickstart me into a depression. It is- it worries me. 

A: The, um, I’m not gonna say the only reason, but it is one of the biggest reasons why I didn’t try to kill myself when I was younger, was because I’m so afraid of death. Maybe not death, but what happens after it. 

F: To tell you the truth, me too. It absolutely terrifies me. 

F: So, some statistics from the NIMH, claim that 2.9% of thirteen to eighteen year olds have bipolar disorder, and eighty one percent of those kids have it severe. It’s bad enough to be hospitalized, and make their life really difficult. 

F: So I was reading earlier...about bipolar disorder, and someone asked the question, “can someone with bipolar disorder live a normal life?” And it says here, “people with bipolar disorder usually go ten years before being accurately diagnosed. Treatment can make a huge difference. It is a chronic health condition that needs lifetime management. Plenty of people with this condition do well, they have families and jobs and live normal lives.” So that ought to give you a little hope for the future. 

F: That’s...that’s the other thing. Meds...they are- in my opinion, they are a must. It’s beyond me how people aren’t medicated. 

A: I think it’s really funny how, um, how after I was diagnosed bipolar, the last thing you wanted me to do was be on meds. Now, we depend on it. We have to. There’s no choice. 

F: As you were growing up and you were being misdiagnosed all over the place, meds were the last thing on my mind. We tried every single thing else. We tried discipline, rewards, I tried diet changes, we tried all sorts of therapy, I tried changing the way that I parent! And none of it worked. 

A: Because you can’t just change those chemicals. Without medication. 

F: You can’t! Exactly. You can’t change those chemicals. Absolutely. I’m the same way with mine, my MDD. It doesn’t fix itself. I need medication to give me the right chemicals. To balance those chemicals in my brain. That is a must. 

F: So, we’ve talked about what bipolar is, now let’s talk about what it is not. It’s not learned. It’s not a discipline problem. It’s not something that you can beat out of a child, teach out of a child, train out of a child, It’s not something that’s going to go away. And it’s not something that’s just going to one day change. It’s an ever evolving illness...

A: But it’s always there. 

F: But it’s always there. And unless you’re treating it with therapy and medication, you’re fighting a losing battle. 

A: Chronic is the key word. 

F: Chronic is the key word. Bipolar disorder is a chronic illness. 

A: Which, that really scares me. Because I’ll have to live with this for the rest of my life. 

F: Let me tell you something. I’ve described severe depression as rain. Imagine you have to go out in the rain. And you have to change the tires on your car, you have to check your mail, you have to walk your dog, you have to go to work. You have to hoe your garden, mow your lawn. Daily things, but you have to do them in the rain. That’s what my brain is like every single day. I will always live doing everything in the rain. And that’s a daunting thing to think about. 

F: I can still do all those daily activities, but you know how when you go in the rain, everything’s just harder? And you’re just slightly more miserable doing them? That’s what it’s like with MDD, I’m constantly having to force myself to do things. And when I do them, I’m miserable. It’s harder for me. It’s harder for me to go take a shower than it is for other people. It’s harder for me to do things because it’s like when you’re out in the rain, everything’s just that much harder.

A: It’s like- I’ve said it before- but it’s like when you do anything, it would be much easier for a neurotypical person.   

F: It is much easier for a neurotypical person. They’re not fighting chemicals in their brain. 

A: They’re not fighting their own mind on a daily basis. 

F: Yeah! And I know that’s exhausting. I know your brain is tired. I know you’re tired. I know you are. But you can’t really think about it that way, because then you’ll get overwhelmed. I can’t think about how I will never not be in the rain. I can’t think about it...because that’s just gonna throw me back in that pit. And I can’t live my life, raise my kids, and take care of everything I need to take care of..if I’m in that pit. 

A: And it’s okay to be miserable. It’s okay to rest. 

F: As long as you don’t give up. I like Kevin Hines’s hashtag, #beheretomorrow. Today might not have been the best day, but as long as you’re here tomorrow, that’s what matters. 

F: Let’s touch on what bipolar disorder means for you- for us. What does bipolar disorder mean for you? 

A: I really hate to say this but...bipolar disorder is a part of me. And I can’t change that. I mean, sometimes I really wish I didn’t have bipolar disorder, but I don’t know what I would be without it. 

F: Absolutely. I completely agree with you. I feel the same way about myself. I don’t know who I would be. I don’t know who my father would have been, who my grandmother would have been, without mental illness. 

F: While I understand your sentiment, I think that because you’re medicated, and nobody else was, you are more you.

A: And less bipolar disorder. 

F: Yes! Exactly. When you were eight years old and running away and acting out, being violent and raging, I didn’t know who you were! I couldn’t buy you gifts, I didn’t know what you liked. I didn’t know your personality...all I knew was this child I couldn’t connect with. All I knew was this child that absolutely hated me. 

A: I was mostly bipolar disorder. 

F: One of the more prominent symptoms that you had was lack of motivation. Smartest kid ever, bad grades. It’s not that you didn’t know the work, you just didn’t turn stuff in. Soon as we got you on medication, that mostly changed. 

F: Super energy. 

A: Aggressive. Frustrated. 

F: Violent. Raging. Yeah, those were scary times. 

A: I had anger issues.

F: A lot. Yeah. You couldn’t focus on anything. I know a lot of that are symptoms of ADHD. 

A: Which is why I got misdiagnosed.

F: But its the hallucinations and the nightmares that sealed the deal. That turned things around. When we brought those up, it turned things around. That’s when the term “bipolar” came into play, and it fit. It fit you. 

F: I know that some of the symptoms in my family, that are or were mentally ill, were definitely instability. Never being able to stay put. Not being consistent. Inconsistency was huge.

A: Even me, now, medicated, I can’t stay on the same routine or the same surroundings for more than a month. I have to change something about my life, whether it be my room, or, hell, my Tumblr blog. There has to be something that changes. 

F: I agree. I’m the same way. I get very bored very easily.

F: Money! Money was a huge problem when I was growing up. You know, nobody could save. They would spend wildly. 

A: Money? You mean lack of!

F: Yeah. It was impulsive spending. That’s one of the bigger symptoms of bipolar disorder in adults. Impulsive spending. That was a huge one when I was growing up. 

F: My family was never very affectionate. They were always very distant. 

A: I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t affectionate.

F: Well, that’s the whole reason I am affectionate, is because I was starved as a child. I needed affection and I never got it. So, it was super important to me that I be an affectionate parent. I don’t know what I would do if I wasn’t affectionate either, because I thrive on being close to you guys. And I don’t want to raise you in the same situation. In an angry, distant, impulsive, unstable situation. I don’t want to raise you that way. 

F: So, what did we learn today?

F: That it’s a little scary.

A: It’s scary.

F: But it can be managed.

A: It can be managed.

F: And you’re doing a fantastic job. And I’m doing a fantastic job, and your team is doing a fantastic job. 

F: Do you remember the time we were standing outside Old Navy and you told me you wanted to buy a gun?

[blank stare]

[rockdaysandpoetry]

What is it about that song, Heart-shaped box ~ Nirvana

I googled the meaning of the song:

Google’s interpretation of the song:

Kurt Cobain, Nirvana's frontman and the song's author, claimed that this song was inspired by a television report of children suffering from cancer. However, many believe it was really written about his shaky but passionate relationship with his wife, Courtney Love. The lyrics do tend towards this latter interpretation, since they seem to concern themselves with an unstable romance between two individuals. It's worth noting that the lyrics mention Pisces and Cancer, Cobain's and Love's respective astrological signs. Love, after their second meeting sent a small heart-shaped box, containing, among other things, a doll's head, to his hotel room. This is believed to have inspired the song's title. Cobain and Love both shared a love and fascination of dolls.

The "Heart-Shaped Box" could be a reference to a uterus. The lyrics talk about the situation of an aborted fetus from the first-person viewpoint.

There are many possible interpretations for the "Heart-Shaped Box." It could be a box for Kurt's needles, an actual heart, or a box of love letters. There is no clear explanation, which was probably what Cobain had in mind.

According to the book Come As You Are by Michael Azerrad, the idea of the song came from Courtney Love when she presented Kurt with a heart-shaped box full of precious possessions. The song switches meanings between Kurt's feelings over Courtney and his feelings on how women are treated.

 My interpretation of the song:

As you might know or have heard of, there were speculations Kurt Cobain had Bipolar disorder, which is a mood disorder. During the beginning of the ’90s, to my knowledge, there wasn’t a clear difference in the Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2 type. So let me give you a brief explanation.

To be diagnosed with Bipolar disorder, one must have continuously mood switches going from mania, hypomania, and depression. (And a mixed episode). They moods must be present for at least 1 week and present every day, nearly all day long.

Manic Episodes:

During a manic episode, a person has a sustained and abnormally elevated, expansive, or irritable mood for at least one week, and at least three of the following symptoms:

Grandiosity or an inflated sense of self

Little need for sleep

Feeling pressured to speak, talking loudly and rapidly

Easily distracted

Engaging in multiple tasks at one time — more then can be realistically accomplished in one day

Engaging in risky behavior like gambling or unprotected sex

Racing thoughts

These symptoms are exaggerated and noted by family members and loved ones. They impair a person's ability to function at home, school, and/or work.

Hypomanic Episodes:

During a hypomanic episode, the symptoms of mania only needs to last four days in a row. The symptoms do not impair everyday functioning like they do in a manic episode, and they are not severe enough to necessitate hospitalization.

Major Depressive Episodes:

A major depressive episode must last at least two weeks and is characterized by either a severe sadness or feeling of hopelessness and/or a loss of interest or pleasure in activities that the person once enjoyed. Other symptoms that may occur in a major depressive episode include:

Feeling guilty

Sleeping problems, like too much or too little

Feeling agitated or alternatively, feeling slowed down

Eating more or less

Fatigue and loss of energy

Difficulty concentrating

Thinking of death or suicide

Mixed Episodes:

Basically, a person is having both symptoms of mania and depression at the same time.

So here’s my interpretation:

I listen to the song regularly but at once that second sentence hit me. Quoting: ‘I’ve been locked inside your heart-shaped box for weeks’. Which could indeed mean the relationship of Love and Cobain was very unstable and even unhealthy. I see it as a metaphor for, Courtney Love having power over Kurt or manipulating him. If any of you have seen the interview with Courtney Love after Cobain died, she told the interviewer it was her fault… She told him that she pushed him to far this time by saying: that he dropped the baby (Frances Bean Cobain). If this is true, she was manipulating Kurt Cobain. Or it could have been the guilt that came over her, of course.

People with mood disorders and psychotic symptoms (or psychotic disorders, like myself), need structure and order. And I think Courtney Love was the exact opposite of that to Kurt Cobain. I think the album in Utero and the few Albums following, showed Cobain's need of structure, and his chaotic life, mind, and relationship.

And I think he wanted to tell all of us starting with ‘Heart-shaped box’.

And if I would diagnose Courtney Love, and do take this with a grain of salt (I’m not a professional, yet), I would diagnose her as a borderliner. Which might explain a lot.

If you want to know the criteria of Borderline personality disorder keep reading, here I describe them briefly:

Fear of abandonment: People with BPD are often terrified of being abandoned or left alone. Even something as innocuous as a loved one arriving home late from work or going away for the weekend may trigger intense fear. This can prompt frantic efforts to keep the other person close. You may beg, cling, start fights, track your loved one’s movements, or even physically block the person from leaving. Unfortunately, this behavior tends to have the opposite effect—driving others away.

Unstable relationships: People with BPD tend to have relationships that are intense and short-lived. You may fall in love quickly, believing that each new person is the one who will make you feel whole, only to be quickly disappointed. Your relationships either seem perfect or horrible, without any middle ground. Your lovers, friends, or family members may feel like they have emotional whiplash as a result of your rapid swings from idealization to devaluation, anger, and hate.

Unclear or shifting self-image: When you have BPD, your sense of self is typically unstable. Sometimes you may feel good about yourself, but other times you hate yourself, or even view yourself as evil. You probably don’t have a clear idea of who you are or what you want in life. As a result, you may frequently change jobs, friends, lovers, religion, values, goals, or even sexual identity.

Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors: If you have BPD, you may engage in harmful, sensation-seeking behaviors, especially when you’re upset. You may impulsively spend money you can’t afford, binge eat, drive recklessly, shoplift, engage in risky sex, or overdo it with drugs or alcohol. These risky behaviors may help you feel better in the moment, but they hurt you and those around you over the long-term.

Self-harm: Suicidal behavior and deliberate self-harm is common in people with BPD. Suicidal behavior includes thinking about suicide, making suicidal gestures or threats, or actually carrying out a suicide attempt. Self-harm encompasses all other attempts to hurt yourself without suicidal intent. Common forms of self-harm include cutting and burning.

Extreme emotional swings: Unstable emotions and moods are common with BPD. One moment, you may feel happy, and the next, despondent. Little things that other people brush off can send you into an emotional tailspin. These mood swings are intense, but they tend to pass fairly quickly (unlike the emotional swings of depression or bipolar disorder), usually lasting just a few minutes or hours.

Chronic feelings of emptiness: People with BPD often talk about feeling empty, as if there’s a hole or a void inside them. At the extreme, you may feel as if you’re “nothing” or “nobody.” This feeling is uncomfortable, so you may try to fill the void with things like drugs, food, or sex. But nothing feels truly satisfying.

Explosive anger: If you have BPD, you may struggle with intense anger and a short temper. You may also have trouble controlling yourself once the fuse is lit—yelling, throwing things, or becoming completely consumed by rage. It’s important to note that this anger isn’t always directed outwards. You may spend a lot of time feeling angry at yourself.

Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality: People with BPD often struggle with paranoia or suspicious thoughts about others’ motives. When under stress, you may even lose touch with reality—an experience known as dissociation. You may feel foggy, spaced out, or as if you’re outside your own body.

[j0x06ber]

Stream of Consciousness #1

Thirteen years ago I was ten. At the time I was a seventy five pound, bright eyed little boy. I had big plans for my life. I was going to do well in school, go to college and begin a career writing fiction novels. I looked up to the likes of Stephen King, Edgar Allen Poe, and H.P. Lovecraft. Easily scared, I recall when I was six or seven, I slept in the spare room on the second story of my grandmothers house.

One night, my parents had left for the night and I was in bed. The darkness of the room was overwhelming. It felt as though tendrils were reaching up the bunk bed I slept in from all sides. Waiting for me to fall asleep. A delusion of my young mind to be sure, but it felt real at the time. I could almost see them, swaying back and fourth and snaking their way up the wall. What really scared me though was the fire alarm. It looked like like an evil red eye and it would blink as it watched me. As I stared at it and attempted to slow my breathing I could have sworn I saw teeth forming around the edges of the alarm, slowly creating a distorted and twisted grin around the eye and in a fit of fear, I ran out of the room.

Afraid I would get in trouble with the babysitter, I snuck down to the second landing that lead to the entry way, and curled up on the off-white carpet. I was just out of her sight, but close enough to the light and noise from the living room to bring me at least a bit of comfort. I watched the swinging chair my baby brother was in and listened to the soft clicking as it swayed back and fourth. Eventually I fell asleep and was found on the staircase. My family still has pictures of me huddled up the corner against the rafter and wall. Like a scared puppy.

This was a reoccurring theme throughout my life. I would regularly wake up and see stuff in the night. Even into my early teens, I would wake up and see the figure of a man standing outside of my room, or tapping at the window. I would hear disturbing whistling coming from the streets and manic howls. I was always scared.

This followed me throughout my life. The fear is no longer a result of the figments of my imagination, but rather something tangible. I no longer fear the figures in the night. They’ve long since stopped appearing to me. I fear my life direction at this point. I fear the people around me. I fear failure and the thought of having to live a whole life alone and in perpetual destitute.

When I was ten my brother was hit by a car. I was a bright student and had caught the attention of my teachers that year, and they had extended the offer to send me to The Tech Academy. My parents, ecstatic at the thought of their son attending what amounts to summer school at San Jose University didn’t so much as blink before signing me up, and that summer I began attending a course on robotics and hydroelectric power.

On the last day of summer, I returned home from San Jose to the flashing lights and sirens of an ambulance and police cars. On the grass in the front yard my youngest brothers bike was sat out, mangled. The bike was essentially bent in half; the tires and handlebars twisted. He had been riding his bike without a helmet, and in a dare with the neighbors kid, attempted to ride across a busy street that was at the end of our road. For context, we lived on the outskirts of town near a mushroom farm. Because there weren’t police actively patrolling this area and there was almost never traffic, people would drive down this road faster than they would the freeway. One such woman was doing eighty when my brother attempted to ride across the street. She slammed on the breaks, but it was too little too late, and hit him as he attempted to recross the road.

He would spend the next year in a coma at the hospital. The doctors repeatedly told us it was unlikely he would ever come out of it, and that even if he did, with the damage to his brain he would probably spend the rest of his life in a vegetative state. My parents decided to foot the bill though and hold out hope. In the end it paid off for them. He began to display movement in his fingers, and in the following months he was able to lift his head and move his arms.

He essentially had to start from scratch at 6 years old. He needed to relearn how to walk and talk. It would take years of physical therapy before he was, for the most part, functional again.

My parents weren’t around then. The issues I already had with depression and social anxiety would get worse during this period of time; as I stopped talking to people at school to avoid conversations related to my brothers accident and opted instead to spend most nights alone in my room, working on school projects or reading.

As time went on my feelings of detachment from the people and world around me would continue to worsen. It was no longer a case of just not wanting to talk. Instead it felt as though an impenetrable wall had been constructed between myself and everyone around me. I couldn’t relate to anyone, I didn’t know what to say in casual conversation, and the very act of speaking to others evoked a fight or flight response. If you are familiar with the borderlands series, my response to social interactions was similar, albeit less exaggerated, to that of  Patricia Tannis. During this time I also regularly felt like I wasn’t in control of my body or actions. Everything I did felt like it was being done by an outside force, and I was just a spectator to it all. Despite all of this, there were people that refused to give up on me and they would go on to become close friends throughout high school and part of college.

Everything came to a head during my senior year. My friends were all distant and I felt it would be best if I transferred schools. I decided to take online courses to finish my final year. This was when I met Stephanie. She would be my anchor to reality, my best friend, and for a while, my girlfriend. Come graduation I experienced a psychotic break and began hearing/remembering conversations that never happened and people shouting my name. As my mental state deteriorated suicide stopped being a distant thought and became an appealing means of escaping. A permanent exit from what felt like some sort of an extended nightmare sequence straight of a David Lynch film.

June 8th I drove to an abandoned parking lot and parked under a tree illuminated orange by the streetlights just twenty feet away and grabbed out a benchmade knife I kept in the center console of my dingy orange ford. I started slashing everything I could My wrists, my arm, my shoulders, my chest, legs. Everything but my throat. I fully intended to kill myself that night. I sat there, globs of blood dripping off my arm onto cracked pavement and the side of the my seat.

I didn’t die that night. My typing this as proof. The bleeding stopped, at which point I was too light headed, weak, and scared to finish the job. Instead I fell asleep, woke up the next morning, put on my jacket, and drove home. Eventually my family found out what I had attempted to do. It was summer and I couldn’t wear my jacket all the time. Eventually they saw a couple, and demanded to see them all. Most of them weren’t too bad, but the ones on my wrist and chest were deep, with the cut on my sternum going all the way down to the bone. I carry hideous scars now as a reminder and have to be conscious of what I wear so as not to make the people around me uncomfortable. and I was hospitalized for the first time.

Stephanie was a sweetheart and everyday would drive three towns over where I was being kept to visit. Bringing healing stones, snacks, and much needed company. If you’re not familiar with wards, they are lonely and often times scary places. You have a routine of therapy, but outside that, there’s nothing to do but walk the halls, and when the clock hits 8, it’s lights out and you have to go to your shared room. I had been roomed with a violent schizophrenic that never acknowledged me when I tried to speak to him.

During my time there I was diagnosed with Bipolar and agraphobia. For the next three years I would be subjected to a number of heavy duty anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, and mood stabilizers. In tandem they dulled everything. I felt like a zombie. I no longer had emotional range and was tired all the time.

I started college a month after release. It was at this point I found out that the college funds my grandparents had been setting aside to put us through college had been used to pay my brothers hospital and therapy bills all those years ago. No one had told me this, and throughout school my parents discouraged me working, stating that my job was to focus on school and extra-curricular activities. I began working three jobs to pay for my courses, but after two years of this, my car broke down and I ended up shelling out five grand to repair the engine, only to have the transmission break soon after, leaving me no mode of transportation. Stephanie moved away to start her dream job as a forest ranger.

This was probably for the best. She was a sweet girl and I was bad news. I broke up with her shortly after getting the news that she was moving, and ended up reconnecting and getting into a relationship with Leilani. Leilani was also a very nice girl and supported me in more ways than she should have. We had similar issues, and she was able to understand what was going on with me better than most people, but our relationship was short lived. I isolate and cut off contact with everyone when I have a depressive episode. I was under the impression it would be better for everyone if I dissapeared when this happened. That I shouldn’t burden my friends with my own personal shit. It’s what I was taught growing up, to man up and deal with the problem. Don’t make it someone elses. During one of these episodes, she found someone else, and we fell out of contact. I remember the last thing she sent me was “Please don’t cut me out again”.

Shortly afterwards I was hospitalized once more. I had been out of college for a year and was working on paying for a new car and getting the debt I’d been accumulating through medicine costs and therapy when this happened. I was slapped with almost ten thousand dollars worth of debt, and that leads to today.

I will soon be twenty four. My friends and those that supported me for so long are gone. They have been for years. I’m living at my parents and am working a dead-end job as a QA engineer. I wont pretend like none of this is my fault. I’m self aware enough to know my own actions have lead me to this point. I should have dealt with my problems rather than trying to bury them. I should have accepted the help and support my friends had offered. I should have, in general, been a better person. I’m hoping that somehow, typing this all out, I can make peace with everything leading me to this point. If not that, to at least make sense of it.