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dawg im going through electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) and one of the side effects is memory loss

this has been pretty terrible mostly BUT

an underrated plus side of this happening around Christmas time is that I keep forgetting I got gifts so it's literally a lovely surprise every time I see the items

take that, depression

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do you think you could take a vampire?

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The tik tokification of 'bad words' like sex/seggs suicide/unalive pedohile/PDFile grape/rape only originally censored because of moderation rules but now in colloquial (online) speech is going to send me to an early grave

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shower beer but its a coke zero instead

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my cat stopping me from petting her

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I'm surprised I haven't seen this on Tumblr yet.

Ten years of having to do it to 'em.

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I am undergoing electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) again, had my 5th treatment in this series this morning. Most people would recognize its former name "electroshock therapy." It's not like the movies anymore. They put you under anesthesia for like 3 minutes, give you a small seizure with an electric current, and wake you up. I guess the general idea is to stimulate a depressed brain into action.

Side effects include memory loss. My mind feels very scattered. I will make a post online, and see it a few hours later or the next day and have absolutely no recollection of sharing it. It's freaky.

It's not supposed to last forever though. Last time I had 13 treatments and I don't remember the entire month of December 2020. Never got it back. But it kept me out of the psychiatric hospital for two years. I got my own apartment, a car, and a good job. So that is evidence it helped me.

Depression relapse is so horrible. Feeling yourself sliding down into some mental abyss with nothing to stop you, no protective factor is effective. It sucks. I hope this works for me. I am so tired of crying and numbness and always obsessing about my death. It's morbid. It's exhausting. It's disabling

Think of me, y'all. Pray if you pray I guess. I'm so scrambled. I have hope tho.

Also I missed a shit ton of work and because I'm self employed I don't qualify for TDI or FMLA or anything like that. Please consider donating to my GoFundMe, I've raised $450ish but in this economy it's really not enough to replace over a month of lost income. It's barely a week's worth. Thank you.

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there used to be so many stars in the sky that you would have to scrape away a dozen of them that splattered on your windshield every time you drove somewhere, but now they're being over-hunted to make american flag merchandise. very sad

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once you start saying shit like "yayy" "yippee" and "hehe" theres no going back

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important confession

i lied about my HIV status and all aspects of my identity (marital status, trafficking past, family, etc.) on this blog and i truly apologize.

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