#anyways. it’s all delusion maybe
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it’s not my fault it’s more fun to listen to john lennon’s songs and interpret them as love poems
#‘oh it’s just nonsense words it doesn’t mean anything’#this was one of the most fucked up men of the last century . and he wrote poetry for a living. like let’s take a listen#my deep conspiracy theory is that Girl was about paul#a song about an ideal woman that he hasn’t found yet…a song to match Paul’s michelle on the same album…#one that promises the earth to him and he believes her?#one that when you say she’s looking good she acts as if it’s understood?#did she understand it when they said a man must break his back to earn his day of leisure…do I even have to say it#when he’s the one who convinced paul to choose between him and his dad#anyways. it’s all delusion maybe#but happy mclennon saturday
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I made a few new wax seal stamps out of clay (like the ones I did for my worldbuilding stuff forever ago), this time just of random symbols that I thought might look good done in the style of painting over the raised part of the wax or etc. :0c Some of them aren't carved deep enough to really show up that well, but overall they worked okay for being clay lol
#wax seal#crafts#wax stamp#stationery#Window one is kind of stinky.. I was imagining like a swirly night sky sort of looking thing so it would be a surreal contrast of a night#sky with a window in the middle that shows a daytime sky - but the silver and purple wax kind of mixed too much together#with the black and it just looks very plain black and not all that starry or anything hjbhj.. Of course the eye is probably my favorite#since all I ever do is draw eyes and still like eye imagery for some reason. The four leaf clover is very lumpy and skrunkty but also it wa#the smallest in size out of all of them so was easier to do multiple stamps of just to try it out.#The heart with eyes wax is actually more swirly in person. I wanted it to be a mix of light pink and red and white. and the wax#did kind of all blend together but in person you can definitely see MORE of the intentional swirlyness. in this it just looks plain pink.#I was going to do one eye in the heart but it looked weird. but now two seems too plain. i could have done 3?? in a pattern.. hmm#alas. I wish I could make actual metal ones. With the clay i have to paint them in a thin layer of olive oil before stamping because#otherwise the wax just kind of gets stuck in the grooves of the clay and then you can't pull it up. Very wacky ''unprofessional'' looking#set up where I'm hot gluing circles of sculpey clay to short stumps of a wooden dowel that I sawed apart with a serrated bread knife#and then using an old paintbrush to put olive oil on them whilst holding a spoon over a yankee candle flame hjbjh#ANYWAY.. I think if I were middle class/rich/etc. this would be one of the main things in my crafting room is like.. SO many colors#of wax. and all different custom made stamps designed by me. which could be much more elaborate in actual metal.. muahaha.... >:)c#RHGghhh... I actually don't want to talk much about it since (this is probably just my Obsessed With My Own World Artist Delusions) I#think I have a really cool idea for a game that could genuinely be successful if i ever get to make it and I don't want to give#everything away and spoil the whole plot/concept in hopes that one day I can actually do it - BUT - a game that I'd like to make after the#visual novel I'm making now has partially to do with the main character working as a sort of writer/scribe/artist assistant in an elven#city (set in my world/with my worldbuilding species and versions of elves and etc) and I was thinking of maybe incorporating#somehow being able to collect little writing type items like these like.. you can get different wax seal patterns or pens or etc. when I do#stuff like this in Real Life it always makes me think of that like.. ouh... this is good research.. what it shall be like to be a littol#elf collecting wax seals and such.. indeed... GRR i need to be finished with my current game NOWWW... i MUST work on other#thingss... aughh... ANYWAY.. yay. accomplishment to do One Single Thing other than Sit In The Summer Heat And Rot#though also hilarious as this was the first cool-ish day that was below 80F in a while hgvh#waking up like 'wow.. i actually feel okay today?? like I could do things?? how mysterious.. I wonder why..?? :0'' Its The Weather You Fool#Tis Always The Weather
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my princess nonsense is being encouraged watch ouyt imabout to be eneaabled
OK WHATF ATHAT'S SO CUTE I HAD TO MAKE IT i know realistically there's little to no chance that rei DOESN'T know how to work heels 🤣 BUT IMAGINE.....ING.... YAKUMO GENTLY GUIDING REI IN HEELS, WEEKS BEFORE THE BIG GALA AND HAVING NONE OF HIS NORMAL FEAR OF PHYSICAL TOUCH BC HIS [TEACHER MODE] IS OVERRIDING HIS INSECURITY
#rei looking directly at the camera like why are you subjecting me to this. i do not need any of this. i know how to do it#rei wearing stilettos the size of your head so he becomes ur very tall bird goth gf#you know how yakumo gets when he instructs someone on how to cook something#he becomes confident and just tells ppl how to do stuff without his usual amount of stutter and secondguessing#i'm gonna pretend that after his stiletto training in misty vale he gains a TINY MOLECULE of confidence due to experience#like [i can help you if you've never done it before?]#honestly i can't imagine this scenario happening because i am so SURE that rei can walk in heels HAHAHA even tho nothing has proven that#SOMETHING COME PROVE ME WRONG SO MY DELUSIONS CAN SLIDE CLOSER TO POSSIBILITY#anyway even if rei didn't know how to wear heels#would he ever mention it? would yakumo ever learn of it?#rei would probably be all . i don't need to wear heels. they can't even see them under the dress. i'll wear my practical shoes#but if he can't get away with that and will be forced to wear heels at the party...#maybe he'll go [meh. i'll figure it out] and just not wear them until the day of the dance#at which point his feet will hurt after 20 minutes and for the whole night he takes any chance to sit down#rei can be frequently spotted on SOME surface SOMEWHERE in the palace. sitting all splayed out and uncaring of propriety#because he is in PAIN and these shoes are STUPID and why do people wear them for ANYTHING . Royals are so IMPRACTICAL#yakumo keeps trying to avoid heels for the dance because he doesn't want to be any taller than he already is#i bet there's a full convo about it between him and eiden#eiden trying to reassure him that if he wants to wear heels then he shouldn't let others' perception stop him from doing so#but if he genuinely doesn't want to wear them then that's ok too#eiden craning his neck up at yakumo in heels like you're my pretty princess 1-2 heads taller than me your height doesn't matter 🥰#i'm now torn. yakumo and rei both wearing heels now? in order to stay at similar heights?#or. rei starting out with heels. getting tired of them. going barefoot for the rest of the night lol#yakumo and rei still dancing in their ballgowns together but a much shorter rei leads a yakumo in heels#yes. yes this is the vision#yakurei#replies#nu carnival yakumo#nu carnival rei
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ngl i want to see an entire dramatic chapter dedicated to chizuchan’s “oshi break up” with aizo, flashback sequence and all
#i mean. it’d be funny (sole reasoning)#i want her to sell all her merch on m*rc*ri#bc every time i see a huge aizo merch listing on there i think ‘lol chizuchan broke up with aizo (again)’#but hmmm. maybe i should stop thinking about chizuchan manga before i get my hopes up too high…#i wonder if it’ll have 3 volumes like the [redacted] manga though…#b ut. c’mon. it’d be a huge waste if they divided the story nicely into what could be a 12-ep anime adaptation and did nothing with it#(animate this pls hw… it could be your only actually good non-album bonus anime ever)#(the chizuutan self-insert aizo delusions would be very funny with sparkly shoujo filter effects)#(and we’d get to hear her sing kawaikutegomen like. 3 times in the first 5 eps alone)#(there’s no need to animate the idol sengen manga; it doesn’t fit nicely into the anime timeline anyway)#(also bc i think ch 4 would be very. v e r y funny if animated)#(also a l s o bc i want chizuchan to duet doutankyohi with concon)#(and i think jk trio kawaikutegomen would be a fun special ed for the eventual last ep)#‘it sounds like you just want more cover songs’ s o what if i do—#‘why are you even revisiting the [redacted] manga?’ s h us h im just trying to survive my commute—#(also bc i need to see something miserable to forget being miserable s o b s)#anyway wake me up when it’s nov 30 thanks~~~~~~~~#chizuutan chizpost
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doodle dump
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#lobotomy corp agent#lobotomy corp oc#pretty sure i have more i missed. just doodling since i cant get myself to make more than bare minimum effort rn#ocs as well so i dont need to think abt how to properly portray another. considering i literally made them up#personality wise anyways. took some creative liberties when it comes to actual gear and random generated agents anyways#maybe ill actually ramble abt them on the sideblog. Eden and Eliza mirrors to one another and picking specific aspects of humanity to cling#to. Eden deciding the subconscious and concepts of humanity brought to life is more ideal that humans themself. the more one loves of human#ity the less one begins to love of humans. Eliza becoming subservient and wanting to activly love humans and her kin even when they hold no#love for her in turn. Both needing to be rewarded or feel rewarded for their dedication. Idealizing each side. the idea of everyone is capa#ble of good and thus should be forgiven and unquestionable love and loyalty. Eden viewing people as senselessly killing oneanother in furth#er elaborate ways and rejects the idea of people all together and finds solance in the Concept than the Living#Angelina and Ryn with how one views time and survival. One hyperfocused on surviving of the current day and neglecting their own very self-#and desires while the other only looks towards the future and idealizes to the point where they dont even see the today. delusion to claw#through reality. Safety team w Brook Eliza Evgeni and Katya is a little harder to explain but the main concept with them as a Group being a#a jab at the happy workplace family that gets along. nuh uh#i guess another idea that is weaved into them is 'survival' and how one sees they can be fit to live or find a meaning to live. and the con#tradictions that arise from anothers perspective and how people 'ought to live'. a clash of either accepting or denying anothers way of#how one should survive. and the projection of a way to live. of 'i view this to be right and thus i will have you do this thing' saving an#aspect or person that they can see themself in to then essentally save themself.#will i be able to handle such ideas with finesse? likely not i dont have faith in myself to properly encapsulate such topics to a perfect#enough degree but it is interesting to explore
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):
#things just happen when i write#scenes i didn’t plan#conversations that i didn’t intend#why do people like little monster anyway#it’s just so much angst#what are you emo?#(yes)#i should stop posting vague shit ab little monster but i can’t help it#finally someone is as obsessed with my stories as i am#can’t we all share in the delusions?#my god#i’m sorry i’m putting u through this shit#maybe i’ll post a day or two early#bc i’m a menace#as a little treat#everest the thinker
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WHAT DO YOU MEAN LOGAN LERMAN IS ENGAGED?????
AND NOT TO ME???? 😭😭
#this is a terrible day for all of us*#*us as in the hopes and delusions I had about this man inside my head#can’t believe I find out because of a jimmy fallon tiktok interview 😭😭#you know that scene of confessions of a teenage drama queen when her idol dies??? and she wore a funeral outfit and cries to a poster????#yeah…..maybe not that bad but if it wasn’t so hot where I live I woud wear something black just for kicks#but anyWAY real sad day everyone 😔😔😔
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《이걸로 영영 이별이라니... 믿고 싶지 않아?》
so that new rokia alt huh
#puyo puyo#rokia#and or#roquier#depending on who you ask.#my stuff#tw eyestrain#eyestrain#bright colors#i need to tag all my bases with this thing because if attwn park's videos are one thing theyre eyestrain#anyway everyone listen to pinata and i by attwn park‼️#the video on youtube has english translation if you need it!!#i just wanted to draw this dude and i happened to be listening to comic relief(newest album from attwn park)#and before that i was like. agh acab sorry rokia(roquier)#and tgen i remembered the bat? and idk man#this is symbolic in a way the video for pinata and i isnt. but uhhh something about killing your past self#honestly i dont know much about this alt i know korean not japanese#in uh. two years when kr ppq catches up with jp ppq its all over for you guys because ill know what the flavor text says#half joking btw.#but from what i know about him its like. he was a cop the whole time maybe? undercover at the spacetime detective agency?#and if thats the case then like. this is twice as killing-yourself-symbolic#killing your own persona to work undercover then killing the undercover persona to be you again but undercover changed you so fundamentally#idk if you look closely enough and you have enough delusion you can twist anything to be about anyone.#and i choose to make pinata and i about rokia and his cop alt.#anyway if you cant read the text in the picture (i did make it very hard to read) its '이걸로 정녕 민족할 거야?'#which does indeed roughly translate to 'are you truly satisfied with this'?#or like. alternatively its 'are you really going to be satisfied like this' but i chose to go with the tl on the subs#anyway. this is inktober 5 LOL#something quick and easy to make up for the fact ive been drawing like seven pieces in one for every past piece so far#signing off for today. dont stare at this too long you'll go blind
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I know I’m probably really late to this but if that ask game is still happening I’d like to ask desire for Caraval.
AUGH ITS BEEN LIKE 4 MONTHS SINCE I REBLOGGED THAT MEME but yeah sure I'm always down to talk about characters!
desire: What's one thing your OC wants more than anything in the world? Are they open with that desire? Why or why not? What would they do to fulfill it?
The one thing that Caraval desires more than anything else is connection. Family. People he knows he can trust to have his back in a tight spot, and people who, in turn, he can help pull out of their own tight spots. He wants to be part of something, not necessarily something big, or grand, or world changing, but something close and purposeful. He wants community.
Unfortunately, this has been denied to him multiple times, from the family he was born into dying to illness while he was away, despite the money and medicine he sent home to them, to his reputation with the family he made in his squad being destroyed after it was discovered he was using his status as a surgeon to smuggle drugs. Follow that up with a long period of only being able to find work with the more unsavorable crowds who don't care so much about morality, and he's gotten a bit bitter and cynical. He knows family is what he wants. He just doesn't expect to really be able to get it anymore.
As for what he's willing to do for that family, should he have it, well. It's no coincidence he was discovered smuggling drugs just around the same time of his family's illness.
#pikspeak#oc:caraval#which is to say#he joined the guard > his family got sick > he started smuggling them medicine from the supplies meant for his squad >#his family died anyway > their deaths messed him up enough that he slipped up in covering his tracks and he was found out >#he was dishonorably discharged from his squad and spent time in Space Jail and lost his medical license > the only work he could find was#of questionable legality bc. well. all he knew was medicine. and he couldnt do that legally anymore. black market surgeon.#and now hes a grumpy old man who v much does not endear people with great first impressions bc why bother when most are criminals anyway#(and he makes no mistake that he is not a criminal also. he has no delusions that hes better than them.)#so he just. doesnt expect to have family anymore. contacts and clients sure. maybe even acquaintances. but no family.
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for ppl that know my tf fan lore you would think I'd be ryu/kita pilled since I was blur/bee CEO but actually I was driven by my shock/bee instincts to be drawn to ake/kita instead <- none of these words are in the bible
#THERES A METHOD TO MY MADNESS#ok ok ok. ryu/kita. its the spunky bro electric yellow guy and the autistic weird blue guy. thats straight up blur/bee and i admit it#THE BLUE GUY IS EVEN TALLER THAN THE YELLOW GUY. ITS SO BLURBEE#but like for me. i def enjoy ryu/kita a lot but it doesnt make me crazy like blurbee does. nor ake/kita#BUT LIKE OK. THIS IS WHERE ME SAYING AKE/KITA IS LIKE SHOCK/BEE GETS INTO INSANE PPL TERRITORY#ok . for one. ermmmmmmm. shockwave .... was my first goro.#bc he has the whole. false identity meant to decive vs true identity as a villain thing. like gorby#and also i admit. i do have my v specific fan interpretation of him that makes him more sympathetic BUT ALSO THATS LIKE JUST ME.#ITS NOT IN CANON. IM AWARE OF MY DELUSION. i have fun though its ok. i separate fan interpretation from canon text. i have media literacy#the real insane part though is trying to explain why yusuke takes on a bee role.#to preface its not matching in personality. at all. they are nothing alike#its not the personality thats key here. its the role and dynamic he specifically has with shockwave#in which hes kinda a more lighter character that often gets religated as comic relief in the source material#but does have a genuine depth to him that could be taken more seriously but that usually gets ignored#and paired up with the antagonist guy with conflicting identity he pulls out a better side from them#and also they have the capacity to be sooo crazy dramas and toxic yaois and redemption like. whatever.#IM INSANE. IM INSANE IM INSANE. GOD .#i . i . i . im.... idk man i love dynamics#shock/bee still isnt like my top tf:a rarepair. but also ryu/kita isnt my top personba 5 pair . for some inexplicable reason#when i rlly enjoy both these kinds of dynamics but then sometimes it clicks with me more with certain character and a lil less with others#im a complex inexplicable enigma. but also maybe some characters just make it work better for me#i think largely overall though#im drawn to dynamics that have a hint of smth in the source and are expanded upon more in transformative material#anyway blah blah blah all that though#the real consistency is i keep having the same favorite character in stuff and its the blue autistic guy#rando thoughtz
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I DONT HAVE THE IMAGES IRGHT NOW BUT YOU UNDETRNSAD?? YOU GET ?? YOLU GET? IM MADLY I NLOV WITH YOU TIWLIGHTRCADE MY GOOD FRIEND MY COMRADEMY RIDE ROD IE
#freak to freak communication you know ?#thank u . u r the best ever <3#i really enjoy ur rants and talkings always always.. i hope we r buried skeleton together all for meotauls#anyway matty and ahshe silluy in the way that thjey absooltuely fucking hate eahcother nad ahse has dienfitley b#locked many things out as his life froze after his family died therefore he hasnt had time to process the anger towards matty#maybe he has had anger nad bitterness towards other things but i dont feel like matty is high on his priority right now esp#since he doesnt know wher eh eis but hes still a deep rooted issue - and its not thast he hasnt accepted his familys#death exactly (thouhg i guess that is it but in other wording) its that he hasnt accepted it ending like this#he has to think about his family dead to think about summoning them back yet still i do think he does have#many delusions where they are alive and the thought of going back to them is the only thing keeping him going really#sometimes i think about how even wehn hes crossed the line and killed so#mebody hes still going on it feels like a dead corpse being raked across the floor to lose another piece of who he is once again#kid's heart#BUT THAT ISNT WHAT I WNATED TO TALK ABOUT AURGHH!!#i think that in the past maybe possuibnly you have to be another level of ill to get this far#but ashe geeneeuinly thought of matty as a good friend who was close to him etc etc but on mattys side its harder#because theres no clear intetion ill make up my own i say he did value ashe in a way but#in the end what did indeed win out was his hatred and infeoririuty towards ashe - i dont think he even wouldve goen that far#if he didnt know ashe o rmaybe he wouldve done it sooner - he would spend time with ashe normally with the thought#of how hes using him bnack in his head then go home nad the feelings would pile up pile up pile up esp since his parents#would lay the pressure on thick meanwhile whenever he went to ashes house it wa s ashining exmaple#of what he didnt hvae#and because matty is selfish. it drives him insane#i find it kinda funny how ashe got his trust broken by him leaving such a scar yet now hes#lying to people as matty was as well#i can say more but im scared.
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are everyone sexualities the same or they r like in fatal flaws??
ALSO is there XChara??? ( IDK IF U ANSWERED THIS I can't seem to find it anywhere if someone asked before me )
I have few more but I forgot what ( I will ask when I do ( aka I thought that in the morning and rn it's around midnight JDUUDJD )
Yeah everyone’s the same I think
Delusion MIGHT be on the ace spectrum but he’s also too busy pretending to be being god to bother with that stuff, + his aura makes his emotions and shit weird so he’s not really thinking about people much in terms of ‘would I smooch/hold hands with/sleep with this person?’
Maybe if he spent some time with someone with his aura turned off (which he’d need quite a powerful magic suppressor for, and atm the only ones they have that are strong enough are in his apartment and the max security cells) he’d find out he is attracted to people
I say all that as an ace person btw. And also someone with bad memory hold on
@wheezethebluejay did we make him ace for sure or is the “official” answer just ‘I dunno maybe
Other than that, and an obligatory mention that Pluto is mostly gay but he does have some attraction to girls (tho Kai made that canon for Fatal Flaws too, if I remember right), everyone’s the same. Slash and Hunter are bi, Byte is pan, Gouge is abro. Etc
XChara I don’t think has been thought about once. In all fairness, tho, they barely exist in normal DS anymore, too. No idea where the kid is. They’re not really important, anyways
i haven’t watched Underverse in an age and a half but there’s a non-0 chance that they’re dead. like super duper dead. slash murderized them. Maybe. Idk! id have to rewatch Underverse
#horror!ds#h!ds slash#h!ds questions#h!ds delusion#idk if Kai said anything official about Nightmare/Miles’ sexuality but ‘gay with a sprinkle of gay-coded not-straight’ is what I think of#that totally makes sense and is understandable#yep yep 100%#anyways#maybe like. bi. Either way his preference lean very heavily towards men#Slash and Byte are pretty much the only girls he’d consider.#JASJSJ there’s a good chance that those two make him realize that perhaps girls ARENT off the table for him after all#Pluto: Yeah so I’m gay. 100% gay. I’m only interested in dudes#Slash and Byte: become his best friends and move in with him and commit murders with him#Pluto: ….ok maybe 98% gay
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this photo really really really doesn’t help my delusions. i feel like i’m really really going insane
#and the delusions being. like joe is my boyfriend and we’re just hanging out and grabbing sbux or whatever#crafting a fantasy in my mind HDKSJSKSJSK#shoutout to joe being such a good friend n getting sbux for everyone#i love lookin at this and being like well if the drinks are for fob#i see the hot cup is a venti latte and. i can’t see what else it says but maybe it’s pete’s#or the iced one could be pete’s#bc he’s a latte girlie and so it’s either the hot one or the iced one#either way the other one was to be for andy bc whip isn’t vegan#so that means one of the frapps is prob for patrick. if it is for fob or whatever#so girly pop of patrick if true#and also joe is soooo girly pop here for it all#anyways sorry i had to post this myself bc i didn’t want the insane deranged tags on lydia’s post
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pretty minor thing to think about, but i find it interesting how chapter 7 is the first chapter illustration to show chizuutan as chizuru (instead of chuutan)
like, i get it’s a flashback chapter, but we hardly got to see her as chizuru in the previous few chapters thus far… maybe we’ll get to see more of her as her true self after the hiyori fight/make up? only future chapters may tell, i guess…
#there’s like 5 weeks to go till chapter 6 is released into the rest of the world and i m n o t r e a d y—#man. chapter 5 still manages to ruin my mood no matter how many times i read it�� man.#i was having so much fun with renren and concon and the 3 stooges and th e n.#imagine putting on a (somewhat) perfect/cute act to hide your true self because you know you’re unlovable the way you are#but then someone else runs along and screws up every step of the way without putting on any airs and is adored for it anyway…#i imagine chapter 6 will be much worse. especially since the start of the flashback begins there…#i sincerely hope the flashback ends in chapter 7 bc aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa#though. considering where we are now in the series. i think there’s a chance that vol 2 will come out at the end of december#ch 8 will prolly start to drop somewhere around the later half of november so it seems about right…#b u t if there’s the preorder bonus manga for vol 2 in dec can we have santa girl chuutan in it p l s—#i think we’ll need an incredibly cute bonus feature to lift the mood from whatever the heck’s going on with vol 2’s chapters#bc. idk. im sensing some self hatred with this one chizuchan… it’s as though she can only love herself if she’s dolled up as chuutan…#like. even in her aizo self-insert delusions she’s thinking of herself as chuutan… maybe im reading too much into this. hm.#but then again she even puts on makeup when she’s at home in her own room…#w a i t a sec what if this wack behaviour only came about bc of what’s about to be revealed in the flashbacks. wait. no. w h a t if—#i hope manga chizuchan will be able to love herself properly soon… we all love you chizuchan~~~~~~~~~~#this. too. is our oshi no—#dammit why is something set in the same universe as the [redacted] anime making me feel things??? i hate itttttttttt#anyways. wh. what if one of the h10w turns out to be an anime adaptation of the chizuchan manga#and they’re just waiting on. like. the final vol to announce it.#it’d make the most sense for an anime series at this point… since chizuchan is marketable and it’s set in the same anime verse#so there’s no inconsistencies to retcon and such…#but!!!! most importantly!!!!!! we’d be able to see animated renren and concon!!!!!!!#…but something like this will only appear in my delusions huh~~~~~~~~~~~~~~#mousou dake no kawaikute gomen anime#ok that’s enough thinking for the day; back to kimikawaii mv g o o d b y e~~~~#chizuutan chizpost
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the only thing that comforts me now is the fact that im the flesh maggots adore.
#religious trauma. is god real? stop doubting that. are you even religious? why are you doubting that. religion is just delusion and youre#going crazy. don't say that you know its not true. wheres the proof that jesus is real? thats what you constantly search for. why do you#care anyway. im not afraid of death im afraid of what comes after death. I think about what comes after death way too much its all I ever#think about. id like to stop thinking now. ive had enough. just rot and rot and maybe then you'll be gone. nobody wants you here.#you dont deserve to have anything.#youre stupid and dumb you care too much about how you are perceived you live in the past you cant handle change youre a mistake.#you gag when you see yourself and you do everything wrong you should die#you waste everything and everybody hates you#nobody cares about you#dont say that
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#tw ed#saw a picture of myself from when i was *checks notes* at my fucking worst with my ED but that meant i was also Thinner.#i really should Go Back huh. maybe if i did i wouldnt feel. Like This.#it'd prolly mean id start losing my hair again which. not a big fan. BUT.#if i was really dedicated i could also lose my period which. huge fan. that was one of the best things that ever happened to me tbh#i could have it all back. maybe i could even get farther than the last time. all it would take is uhh feeling utterly fucking miserable#having no energy for the most basic stuff let alone singing and thinking about nothing and i mean NOTHING but calories 24/7.#but hey. maybe i could like. lose 5 kg for my troubles and then gain back twice as much when i decide again that i just Cant Live Like This#totally worth it huh#anyway. i miss hating my body A Little Less and people being Nicer to me and everyone telling me how good of a job im doing#and encouraging me to keep going. and i miss the sense of Accomplishment and the Pride and the Not Feeling Disgusting#or at least Making Up For It by just. not eating lol#cause like its not like im actually much better mentally am i lmao clearly im not. only now im both miserable AND fat.#obviously ill never be s/kinny let alone as s/kinny as my friends. ill still look like a glitch in the system and a mistake next to them.#but if i have to be miserable anyway i could at least be. less f/at about it right. maybe then ill be worth something <3#...and other delusions you keep cultivating because there's something deeply and inherently wrong with you#my new bestseller coming soon to your nearest bookshop dont miss it its only $free.99!
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