#anyways good going everyone that was a horrifying yet entertaining watch

[intotheelliwoods]

They can never catch a break... I think we need 2 weeks vacation time to recover from this one

[aprillikesthings]

okay okay okay I have time for one episode tonight

s5 ep6 taking control

The ship is malfunctioning, Entrapta is working on it with Wrong Hordak's help

poor Adora

(also I did reread Nate's fic last night and like, I know teeechnically it's not canon because it's not in the show and I don't think he ever officially admitted it was his fic? but also it is canon. And boy does it make this sorta light-hearted scene more serious.)

OH GOD I'M DYING

Bow: "How did you turn into She-Ra without the sword?"

GIRLY like yes obviously it's wild that you can do it without the sword, but ALSO you can admit to them that it was because you were that upset about Catra.

Like the people who are suddenly able to lift a car because their loved one is trapped under it.

...."come out"

heh

oh see that's easy you just have to make Adora think Catra is almost dead

Glimmer: "The important thing is she was there when your friends needed her!"

He's not...wrong...

Also Horde Prime knows where they are, dun dun dunnnnn, roll intro (which hasn't changed yet but I'm watching it)

poor bb

yeah that's horrifying

oh right this part is literally in Nate's fic

Adora keeps coming back to check on her, and Catra feigns sleep every time. She doesn’t touch the water bottle even though her dry throat aches, because then Adora would know that she had been awake. But eventually, she slips into shallow dreams again — the green fluid, Prime’s smirk, the pain, his voice — and that’s when Adora happens to check in on her again. At the sound of the door Catra sits bolt upright, her heart pounding out of her chest and a terrified scream bursting from her mouth before she can choke it down. And just like that, her cover’s blown. And Adora’s looking at her with that same stupid, hopeful look, like Catra hasn’t spent years trying to burn her and everything she loved. And she can’t stand it.

So Catra does what she always does. She retreats behind her walls, lashes out, needles Adora where she knows it stings the most. It’s what she is. She’s an animal, nothing more than base instincts and rotten heart, just as everyone has always said she was. She’s poison, she’s fire, she’s broken glass, and all she knows how to do is hurt and be hurt in turn.

okay this reminds me of this post tho

okay back to serious

the line delivery here is so good but also 😭

Catra's split-second look of disbelief before it turns back to hard anger, aaugh

ppl do not (usually) change over night

WAHHHH

Adora leaves, angry, and something in Catra, some small childish piece that somehow hasn’t been completely stamped out, wants to call after her, wants to run after her into the bright hallway. She doesn’t. She stays in the dark. She doesn’t know how to leave it.

*cries*

Anyway back on Etheria, they're playing games to keep Frosta entertained and also AN ON SCREEN LESBIAN KISS

Apparently it was the combination of the previous episode and this one that made the first people to watch this season realize "oh we're going to get an actual catradora kiss. on screen. aren't we."

(I remember the day before Netflix dropped the episodes, with everyone I knew on social media basically doing a "will they or won't they." I'm Fandom Old and just kept reminding myself that if they didn't get a kiss or a love confession it was either for good story reasons (Catra was still doing bad shit at the end of s4!) or because the showrunners were forbidden from doing it. But man I was online intentionally spoiling myself as soon as I could. I HAD TO KNOW, but Daci and I watched it like a day later)

Okay so this is part of why I struggle to get how multiple years passed as the show goes on--why is Frosta still like. Eleven.

Glimmer is holding up a box that looks like the ancient sugar Madame Razz used to make pie. Which was also on this ship now that I think about it? That's. Thousand-year-old sugar.

But also

Adora: "After everything we've been through she's still a stubborn brat!!" Glimmer: "This is Catra we're talking about. Did you think she was just instantly going to become a totally different person?"

yeah Adora thought Catra would be grateful and like....lol no

that apron says "kiss the cook" unless someone convinces me otherwise

Also the Horde is following them

awwww another little she-ra doll :( anyway everyone's being weird and creepy

flying through an asteroid field is Entrapta's idea of a great time

BUT HORDE'S SHIPS FOUND THEM and getting banged around made Catra have flashes D:

They've been tracing Catra's neck chip

okay but that's not actually Catra's fault

Yeah I remember this part of the plot 😬

YUP

But yeah Adora drags Entrapta into Catra's room and she does NOT react well, which uhhhh makes sense given her and Entrapta's last interaction

but yeah the phrase "cornered animal" comes to mind

a cat at the vet's office with a "sedate first" sticker on her file

Entrapta's confusion is so genuine. She also sounds a little hurt tbh

i mean yeah that about covers it

well now I'm thinking of a fic I've read

AND I'VE HIT THE IMAGE LIMIT what timing lol okay hold on

[intricate-ritualz]

hi guys! currently trying to figure out how i want to go about characterizing dan, herb, and meg. :) send in a question you’d like to ask one of them, or all three, and i’ll try and write a response in character. here’s smm i did as an example :00

How would you like to die?

Dan

“I’ve thought about this question before, and I’d suppose I’d like to go out the same way everyone does. You know, you’re in your eighties/nineties, you’ve done everything you could possibly hope to do– no regrets or lingering ghosts, nothing like that. Everyone you love is dead– or damn near dead, there’s no one to live for. You crawl into bed one night, maybe before you fall asleep you read a large print book or I don’t know– watch jeopardy. Whatever well fulfilled old people do. Anyways, you fall asleep and sometime during the night you just– die. That’s it. Old age, heart failure, whatever. Painless and quiet, you give up the ghost. Your kids are sad, but they tell the small gathering of people that showed up at your funeral that ‘He lived a good life’ and ‘It was his time.’ Eventually, your kids die too. And their kids. You don’t go down in history or anything, but you lived a good, honest life. Your time on Earth was as unremarkable as it was respectable. That’s one of those fantasies I hold close to my heart. I’ve always sort of assumed it was the way me and every other unremarkable, respectable man would end up going, but I’ve come to realize that you have to be pretty damn lucky to die in peace. We’ve all got ghosts.”

Herbert

“Death has never been an option in my mind. When I was young, I entertained the concept of death. Of my parents dying, of my acquaintances dying, however– I never once considered the possibility of dying myself. I used to believe that I might be insane, after all– why did I not fear death? Fear is not the right word… Why would I not entertain death when it pertained to myself? I did not yet understand that both madness and death are relative. As a man of science, I can not bring myself to believe in the moronic drivel that comes out of the mouths of ‘physics’ and ‘fortune tellers,’ these spiritual neanderthals would more than likely tell me that all those years ago I sensed the cure for mortality I would birth in the future, my panacea, my reagent. Nonsense. However, I will agree that my reagent was inevitable, as when man faces death he either cowers in fear and accepts his fate, or he fights. I am not one to cower. I refuse to accept death. Those who believe death is inevitable, or simply part of life, or whatever one might think in order to fit the horrifying concept of death into their neat little mind, those who have accepted death have only accepted it out of pure necessity. These people believe there is no life without death, they think that an eternal existence would not ‘fulfill’ them. The truth is that to live, to exist, is what makes us Gods. And to die… death makes us human. God experiences the infinite, all consuming, expanse of time and existence. The joy of eternal life. And God has never once regretted his decision to do so. So why would man regret such a thing? What makes God’s will to live any more formidable than man’s?”

Meg

“I suppose I won’t be dying anytime soon, God willing of course. I like to think I’ll end up passing away at a ripe old age, surrounded by the people I love and full of fond memories of our time together. I want to live as long as my body will let me, but I don’t want that to mean I’m sacrificing my quality of life. If I’m ninety seven and the doctors have declared that I’m medically considered a vegetable, with God as my witness, pull the plug. If my life can’t be experienced to the fullest, there’s really no point in living it. If I were to die now, oh gosh I’m not even thirty yet– but if I were to die now I’d want to die spectacularly. I’d want to die saving someone’s life, rescuing babies and puppies from a burning building. I’d want to die in a freak motorcycle accident that makes the global news. I’d want my death to be written about, talked about, and broadcasted. I’d want it to be tragic and heroic and strange. I’d want to be mourned by people who never even knew me. I’d want my life to end on my terms as well. My will giving the okay to pull the plug, my feet running into the burning building, my motorcycle crashing into the Grand Canyon. I’d want to be remembered, but on my terms. But really, the motorcycle house fire incident is my last resort. I’m perfectly okay with dying of– cancer? I think Dan told me that’s the current leading cause of death in elderly patients at the hospital, don’t quote me on that though.”

[donnerpartyofone]

Because of my unspeakable streaming habits, I see a lot of ads for "unscripted" Discovery shows that I would never conceive of watching, that fascinate and horrify me. The exploitation and voyeurism of the actual shows, about dysfunctional people with sometimes (but not always) serious personal problems, doesn't surprise me as much as the ads themselves. They don't introduce any of the players or their narratives, because the target viewer of the ad already knows everything about the shows and is already a fan--which is a strange thing in and of itself, because shouldn't the main point of advertising be to seed new awareness and compel an action that is NOT already happening without the expense of an ad campaign?* But anyway, imagine me, a space alien, watching this ad: An average, unimpressive sort of woman, in no place in particular, speaks into her phone and also to a camera crew about how her mother is dying in the hospital and she's not ready to let her go. She sobs hysterically. And that's it. That's the whole entire thing. Within the bounds of the ad at least, there's no gimmick, nothing to differentiate the people from any other person alive, no overarching drama to give it a special context; like, many of these shows are about people with unusual medical conditions or who have extreme jobs, or they're very rich or very poor, or there's an unwanted pregnancy or something else that raises the stakes, so there's a hook. But as far as the ad in question is concerned this show is like, "Something awful happened to someone, something that happens to everyone, but now you get to see it in extreme closeup!" There is the floating implication that the intended viewer of the ad knows exactly who these people are and why you would want to watch what happens when one of them dies, but for me, who just landed on the planet of Earth, I'm like, this...is a show? How? Why? I'm not surprised by the bad taste aspect of it, just...I can't figure out what's supposed to make it entertaining to begin with.

*I feel like I see an increasing amount of advertisement that has no particular purpose as far as compelling an action goes, and there's something really apocalyptic about that to me. Like, ads for just ordering products on Amazon: Who do they think they're reaching? Who are the as-yet untouched-by-Amazon audiences of the ad? There really isn't anyone who will see that ad on a streaming service who doesn't know what Amazon does, and Amazon pretty much holds the entire world hostage; the only people not using it, who will possibly see the ad, are already conscientious abstainers. Or TV ads for Facebook just kill me, that's another situation where if you're even seeing the ad, you already know what Facebook is and you have already decided whether or not you're going to use it, plus odds are good that you're in a hostage situation with that too where you need to use it for your business or something. What in the fuck are these ads supposed to actually DO? Why spend money on them, at all? My honest feeling is that this is a kind of emperor's new clothes thing, that our economy is just so disproportionately advertising- and sponsorship-based that nobody can even admit that sometimes ads are just not necessary, like at all. They're not producing anything. They are not increasing business for the businesses they advertise. They're actively wasteful in fact. And if we admit that this is true, we might have to just scrap everything and restart society.

AND FINALLY the funniest thing to me is those Metaverse ads that are literally like...hey guys, can you fucking imagine if the Metaverse were actually a product or service that did something? Wouldn't that be totally amazing? And then it just runs through a series of science fiction scenarios complete with goofy floating transparent screens that have already become an embarrassing cliche of, you know, bad science fiction movies. The ad doesn't offer you ANYTHING. It is only designed to get you to imagine using and enjoying something that doesn't exist, has no immediate plans to exist. I assume what's going on is that investors are bailing and the only thing Meta can think to do about it is try to make regular jagoffs talk about the Metaverse as if it's something they want and look forward to, so therefore it's worthy of continued funding and development, even if it is mostly just a very general concept now that may never fully cross over into reality.

Between the last paragraph and now I have enjoyed the following article from last year, since which time nothing has apparently changed. The End.

[jodilin65]

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 2020 Ready to give up on The Killing and perhaps TV in general for a while. I’m tired of the unfair and unrealistic portrayal of society in general, even though I should probably tell myself hey, it’s just TV. But it’s all about how horrible white people are and how innocent everyone else in the world is and I’ve had enough. There are plenty of ways to have good, entertaining shows without making reference to race. It simply isn’t necessary to keep bringing it up as often as most shows do. When the producers start mixing in some characters that play the race card and stories about whites who are discriminated against, then I’ll be inclined to watch more.

I slept shitty as hell. The fucking trash and recycle trucks woke me up half a dozen times since they always gotta make a big production out of things and can’t simply get the shit and go. They shouldn’t need to be here for hours yet they are. It’s just fucking ridiculous.

They weren’t the only ones to wake me up, though. I woke up several times for no particular reason and to pee. At least I didn’t have that nasty foot cramp I had the night before.

Enjoying a break from the planes tonight which was annoying last night.

My nails are continuing to look better, so I’m just going to go and dump all my old nail polish and start anew with a brand that doesn’t mess them up.

Tom brought home a bucket of KFC after work. We’ll both enjoy this, the sides that came with it, and other things he got for a few days. He’s working tomorrow so he won’t be going to Sam’s until Sunday.

Each month I count the days that I ranged anywhere from barely borderline anxious to actually anxious and at first I was horrified when I counted six days for January, more than November and December combined. Then Tom reminded me of the experiment I did which means I didn’t go as low as I normally go with my meds and that’s why I had more anxious days.

It only makes me angrier and more mistrustful of doctors in general. The problem is mostly on the meds just like I said 5 years ago. At least now the good thing is that I know what to do about it when I start to feel anxious. It just sucks that I have to choose between anxiety or fatigue. I really love the energy I’ve been having, though, which is a sign right there that it was building up in my system, so of course I would have some anxiety. I skipped yesterday, cut today’s pill, and now it’s every day until labs. I just have to remind myself it’s only for 33 days. I got this. I can do this…and then I can trade any anxiety that should be building up about then if not sooner for fatigue.

He still thinks that I’ll one day be able to take it every day without being anxious but maybe not until he retires. He also thinks that together we’ll help each other lose weight when he retires. Well, he has a great track record for being right, but I don’t think so. He might get the first one right and he might lose some weight when he retires but I honestly don’t see myself ever losing weight unless something was wrong.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 2020 Last night I was bored out of my fucking mind. My mind flashed through all kinds of writing projects and other ideas yet not a single one of them appealed to me. It wasn’t like I couldn’t come up with some basic story ideas. I just couldn’t motivate myself to actually put them in print.

I found myself a touch anxious and depressed, obsessively worrying about the future as I tend to do way more often the older I get. Trying to tell myself not to worry about the end of our lives because that time isn’t here yet and I can’t control it anyway just doesn’t always work. Trying to distract myself in a productive way isn’t always that easy either.

I still miss some aspects of and feelings my old self would experience, but then I know I should be glad that my worst problem in life is being bored and not finding things as new and as exciting since I’ve been there, done that, etc. Most new things I would like to try simply can’t be done at the snap of my fingers just because I may be in the mood and have the time.

I’m going to try doing a puzzle walk at the start of every hour. Hopefully, that will keep me from having too much free time on my hands while being beneficial to my health at the same time.

I read an article the other day that said that weight loss and aging are actually not normal, but a sign that something is wrong. This does make sense when you think about it, too. The metabolism only keeps getting slower with age. Not the other way around. But there definitely does seem to be a loss of appetite in older people for a variety of reasons. I’m already noticing a slight decrease in appetite now that I no longer have PMS hunger to deal with and then the hunger that often comes with perimenopause. Not a 1000-calorie-a-day kind of appetite, but I find it’s easier to go down to 1200-1500 rather than 1500-2000. Even so, that’s still too high for weight loss as a short female with a bum thyroid.

I realized a couple of days ago that I no longer get dizzy when I lie down or get up. Those ear crystals must have found their way back home.

It’s Aly I’m worried about. She’s been through so much shit for as long as I’ve known her, and while I know life isn’t fair and I shouldn’t let it get to me, I can’t help but find myself comparing her to Kim every now and then and getting angry. Here you have this great person who has one thing after another while the insane person who has no ability to feel empathy, guilt or remorse much less any ambitions in life other than to live in a fantasy world gets off easy. She sleeps like a baby, she’s never had cancer, she’s never had any stomach issues, she shouldn’t need a hysterectomy anytime soon if ever, and of course, Novasure was a complete success for her. It just hardly seems fair any more than why it always has to be me who doesn’t get to live in peace. Everyone else either has a quiet place or they don’t mind it if it’s noisy. That’s just life for you. the murderer always wins the lottery while the good people struggle and suffer.

There are at least some new and exciting things to look forward to, though, and that’s likely to be the RoboRock we’ll probably order in about a week. This is a combination vacuum and mop robot and is less expensive as well at just over $300. We checked all the particulars on how it functions, including reviews, and now we’re going to sit on it for a week or so since we don’t want to make impulse purchases, and if this still seems to be our best deal at that time, we’ll probably get it. Our old one can be used for other projects. Sometimes it’s easy to drop some bedding and turds when we go outside to shake out the pigs’ liners, and it can be used to sweep up little things in the carport.

Went back to separate books for what I share with the public versus what I keep private on PB. It was just too much of a pain in the ass to break them up into separate parts.

I didn’t sleep as well last night. I woke up many times and even had another spider nightmare. This one wasn’t super-sized or anything. I was lying in bed and watching it move across the ceiling. Then it started to fall down on its web on me and it’s like I was paralyzed, unable to move out of the way.

Then I dreamed of staying in a large house with many rooms. The drama queen was in the room next to me and not too far from us was our cousin Philip. Philip and I had some kind of problem and I later overheard him telling Tammy that he hid a note for her inside his pants that he placed on her bed. When Tammy was out of the room, I quickly snuck in and pulled a sheet of paper out of the pair of jeans that was laid out. I was curious to see if he mentioned whatever problem we had but found that he didn’t.

Then my PCP was visiting in the last dream and she wanted to take a picture of my dresser because she thought it was decorated so cutely. I told Alexa to turn on the light since the room wasn’t very bright at the moment, and she ignored me as she usually does in dreams. But the second time around she listened to me when I told her to turn on “dawn.”

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 2020 I think it’s sad that people regularly refer to whites these days as white trash, and it’s okay. Call anyone else names and it’s not acceptable at all. Yeah, I think we’ve taken the politically correct bullshit a little too far these days. Yet the fact still remains that two wrongs don’t make a right any more than applying new or fancy labels to things changes what those things are.

Went out walking for about 15 minutes. I’ll walk more on the treadmill later. The breeze was cool, the sun was warm. I ran into Dixie on the way and she stopped to chat with me for a couple of minutes.

She told me that yes, there was a death in the house across from next door. Dahl’s wife Barbara had cancer before they moved here, thought it was gone, but it returned and killed her. How sad. Imagine buying a new house and then dying just a few months later? Now the question is whether or not he’s going to stay there by himself. I hope the house doesn’t go back on the market, but the guy has to do what he has to do.

The winds are northerly again which means the planes are back to being a nuisance. I could hear one roaring overhead clearly when out on my walk even with the headphones playing pretty loud. If the damn thing was just a little lower I could probably make out the airline.

I found a flaw in the Kindle app I’ve got on my phone and that’s that it doesn’t sync after I’ve been listening to Alexa read me parts of a book.

Aly completely ignored my question when I asked her if Molly was continuing to ignore her and not realize she’d been ghosted, furthering my suspicions that they’d picked up their friendship elsewhere. But why the secrecy? I don’t get why Aly feels the need to hide it at this point. She knows I know they’ve been friends and that I know it’s not my place to tell her who she should or shouldn’t be friends with.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 2020 I signed up for Google Alerts on Tom and myself, plus a few others a while back. Last night I got an alert with Tom’s obituary, LOL. A 74-year-old guy with the same name died in Wisconsin.

Love how I can connect the Kindle app to Goodreads so I can mark the book I’m reading as “currently reading” and then shelve and rate them from there.

I also discovered that I could use the email account I created for sweeps for its own set of Google Docs and that way I can keep journals separate from everything else. I didn’t want to have to sift through so many documents to get to a certain thing on my main Google Docs but would still like to have journals available so I can access them on any device in any location. Not going to bother to sync my docs on the Mac because I just don’t see myself ever using the Mac full-time again.

I decided to go ahead and share public entries on the shit I got from the subtropical drama queens. Why? because I want them to be reminded of why I’ll never forgive and accept them back into my life when they get to missing me someday. I don’t expect the girls to ever look for me unless maybe to tell me if Tammy dies, but Tammy’s going to want to play kiss and make-up someday. Not going to happen, and she can read why when the time comes. Then again, I’m sure they all truly believe deep down in their heart of hearts that they did absolutely nothing wrong.

Two cars in the carport and three on the street by Dahl and Barbara’s place. Now I’m starting to wonder if someone died over there. I sent Dixie an email asking if she knew anything. Something’s got to be going on over there. Plus, I wanted to see how her wrist was doing.

Tom has this thing that tested the Roomba’s motor and it said it was working fine. It still works, it just doesn’t do as good of a job as it used to since it’s now over 6 years old. We paid nearly $500 for this one but now they have non-name brands that are a lot cheaper. I really want one that mops as well. They have some that vacuum and mop that are close to $500 and then they have separate robots that are roughly $170 each. I don’t know yet what we’re going to get.

My tits aren’t as sore as they were yesterday. I’m wondering if the anxiety might have been connected to that somehow like if there was a shift in my hormones or something like that. But since things are usually caused by what we least want them to be caused by, I skipped my meds today. I’m sure it’s building up in my system and that’s part of why I’ve had more energy lately as well. I’m going to cut my dose until the first and then ramp it up for the lab.

I’m back to having to get up during my sleep to pee, but my weight has been back to where it usually is. Can I keep from hitting the 160s this year? I still don’t know about that but I’m certainly going to try.

This is going to be my last “processed” day. I had one of his burgers and I’m already feeling that funny feeling in my head that I tend to feel when I don’t eat healthily. It’s sort of like a pressure or a vibration. I don’t know how the hell Tom can stand to eat so unhealthily as he does, but it’s lucky for him since he refuses to change. Later I’ll finish the last of my fried fish and then I’ll have mostly unprocessed stuff.

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 2020 Been watching The Killing on Hulu but it’s just so-so. I also watched a horror flick called The Prodigy which was pretty good.

My memory is so bad that I totally forgot I’ve actually met Elaine, one of Dixie’s neighbors whom she mentions quite often. She walked by our place one time when I was outside, and we began to chat. The only thing I remember her saying, and only because I wrote it in a journal entry I saw on the On This Day sidebar on Prosebox was, “My only complaint” before someone called out to her and cut her off, leaving me to wonder if she was going to say anything about any of the plants on our lot.

The new headphones sound surprisingly good for the price. Just a little big for my head, so I’ll have to wrap some foam around the top of it or something. I went on my first walk with them. It was pretty nice out and the sun actually felt warm, so I didn’t stay out for more than 15 minutes so as to not get all sweaty. Anything loud or close could still be heard, but they definitely helped. I could still hear some planes and landscaping, but I didn’t have to walk three blocks in order to escape it.

The new guinea pig bowl turned out to be green instead of blue, but they did say “assorted colors” and green is fine. It’s not quite as big as the other ceramic one, but it’s bigger and heavier than the plastic one.

Decided not to get an iPad even though I found a good deal on one for just $300. According to what I read, it’s not as customizable and may not have the features I know and like on the MacBook Air. But Apple is pushing people to use iPads and fucking up their operating systems. Laptops are probably going to become as obsolete as computers. I get so tired of so much change so fast! Can everyone at least have and keep the same features even as new ones are being added? $300 is a bit much to spend on something that I may not like better than my new Windows computer.

I was going to get a new Kindle because my Paperwhite has gotten old, sluggish, and has issues going back through the pages. The battery doesn’t last nearly as long as it used to either. I was considering an 8-inch Kindle Fire HD but then decided to download the Kindle app on my Samsung Galaxy and try reading there. So far, I like it! The only problem is that the phone is heavier than the Paperwhite. But the app is much better than the Paperwhite because I really prefer white on black. It’s much more relaxing, especially in a darkened bedroom as I prepare for bed. It’s much faster and easier to navigate through the pages as well, and I like how it tells me both how much time is left in a chapter as well as how much of the book I’ve read. So, no iPad or new Kindle.

Even though Tom put new brushes and a new filter in the Roomba, that’s what we might have to replace because it’s still not doing a very good job lately. He said he’ll check the motor. I think it’s just getting old. I would totally love to have one that could mop floors as well!

Since I don’t feel as bad as often as I used to back when I was in hormonal hell and having trouble with my meds, I really don’t mind vacuuming by hand for a while because then at least I don’t have to prep and move things and all that. No, I may not be as thorough as Roomba when it’s working well, but I can at least throw the vacuum over the main walkways easily enough

I hope nothing is wrong with the hot water tank. It used to be that you could hear it running, but now I can hear these tapping sounds. Then again, the one in the trailer did that and so did the one in our Phoenix house, so it’s probably no big deal.

Since we have 6 1-gallon bottles of water, plus a 5-gallon jug of water, I decided to drain the tub. As for the toilet, it’s flushing faster but there were a couple of times I had to press the button to get it to flush. So we’re going to have to order a new actuator for it. It will cost 80 bucks but it’s a quick fix, he says.

He asked me what I thought about the idea of putting rocks alongside the carport instead of fake grass. After he thought about it, he realized that dog walkers might let their dogs pee on it, and being fake grass, it wouldn’t sink down into the dirt but leave a puddle on it instead. Even the turkeys could decorate it with puddles. So yeah, I agree that gravel would be better. We don’t want to leave it the way it is because that just makes more work for him since he would have to weed it, and when it rains it gets muddy.

It’s tough trying to be a raw/fresh/natural girl in a processed country. Walmart didn’t have my raw peanuts. I don’t like salt and I love freshly baked peanuts in the shell. But as Tom said, most people don’t want to work. They want to be able to just open a bag and eat their snacks. Well, there are plenty of salted peanuts out there, that’s for sure.

The reasons I’m sexist are because of the way most men treat women in general, and the other is because so many of them are dumb compared to women. My husband is smarter than 95% of the population will ever be, female and male, but yesterday was a reminder of just how dumb so many men are. We went to Target, and amongst a few annoying brats, I asked a guy who worked there if they had raw peanuts in the shell. He said they were in the nut aisle but all they had were roasted and salted which is everywhere.

Either way, we decided not to go to Target as often because Walmart is cheaper and has more things we like. I do like Target’s selection of coffee, though, so once a month or so we’ll go there to stock up on coffee.

I was thinking about how my father told me he and Mom couldn’t eat as much during one of our final conversations. At first, it’s easy to think that once I get to the point where I can’t eat as much, it will drop me to an ideal weight since I’m not as overweight as most people end up getting when they get older, I’m shorter which makes weight loss more noticeable, and I’m heavier than I look because I’m muscular. But then when I thought about just how far away I am from this happening, I could end up much more than 30 pounds overweight by the time I get there. If I were to end up something like 50-80 pounds overweight by the time I get too old to eat as much, then lose 30 pounds, I’d still be heavier than I am now. I guess that for now the best I can do is try to keep from gaining since all I can lose is a few pounds and we don’t have as much control over our weight when we get older as we might like to think we do. I’m not ashamed of my weight/size but I’m never going to be “proud” of something that has potential health risks in the name of political correctness either.

My blood pressure has definitely improved with healthier eating and less stress in my life. My systolic number is still high but being in the 130s is definitely better than the 140s and 150s. My lower number used to be in the 90s and that’s been close to normal. Right now, I’m 131/75.

I did have a little bit of anxiety last night but we’re hopeful that it was just because Monday was looming right around the corner which isn’t my favorite time of the week. Rather than skip my meds, I knew I could find out for sure if it was just an end-of-the-weekend thing if I took it today, so I did. So far, I’m fine but I’ve only been up for 6 hours, so we’ll see. If I get anxious in a few hours or so when the meds peak in my system, then yeah, time to back off a bit.

The weird thing is that my boobs have been sore lately as if I’m PMSing, though I’m not worried about it. As long as I don’t have any bleeding. But why do I have this symptom 3 months into menopause? I’ve even had faint cramp-like feelings which could be from a few things, some bad and some not, but not often or severe enough to be a concern. Last year around this time I also had sore boobs, which are unfortunately quite large, and it was the only time a period didn’t follow. Hopefully, that’s all this is and just a bit of a rise in estrogen which I would have thought I would be done with since it’s been 13 months since my last period.

We were glad to learn we’re going to get back nearly 2k and taxes since they withheld more because of the way we had to take from the 401 to get Candy. It’s still one of the best purchases we ever made, and he absolutely loves not having to stop for gas. Anyway, we still have quite a bit of debt, so most of the money will go toward that.

Even though it’s very unlikely that we’ll ever move to Stuart, I briefly entertained the idea of having my Facebook saying I live there when we move, regardless of where we end up. For one, I would rather people not know where we really end up that I’m not close to, and secondly, of course I find it funny to think of the drama queen and her shitsprings seeing it somehow, even if some of them might have moved by then.

“Why not someplace like New Jersey?” Tom asked.

Well, because they know damn well I would never move there. Then the perfect location came to me. Hawaii, of course! ROTFL! Sadly, we can never move there in reality, but we sure can on Facebook. LMAO! I just have to make sure I don’t mention the state in any of my journals which is almost certainly going to be Florida, just probably not Stuart.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 2020 We’re just beginning to see faint traces of spring here. They’re very faint but they’re there. More sunshine. Highs in the 60s more often. Low’s in the thirties less often. In fact, the motorcycles are getting more annoying. Some bastard just roared around the house. Dixie said something about the guy’s son visiting on a motorcycle that lives across from her. So fucking rude. Those things just don’t belong in a retirement community.

Dixie stopped and chatted with Tom for a few minutes when he was outside earlier.

Something bad must’ve happened to Dahl or Barbara because lately there have been 3 or 4 vehicles over there instead of the usual two that they own. The paramedics were there once or twice, and I’ve seen a medical equipment truck there a couple of times as well. It said Respiratory Care on it so I’m guessing he needs to be on oxygen just like Ralph was.

Lots of loud engines when we were out and of course some loud car stereos which the nicer weather brings out the worst of.

It was a little over 50 degrees when I was walking at around 9 a.m. I didn’t take my hoodie. I just wore my black leggings and a sweatshirt.

Yesterday I got two letters in the mail. One pissed me off while the other had me a bit bummed out.

Let’s start with a pisser. That would be from the park. Did we get a letter apologizing for the 5 days we were without water and promised a discount for those days that services weren’t rendered? Of course not. Instead, they wrote to brag about how wonderful they were in handling it and how little sleep they got. Okay, so they did pat the backs of a few of the residents for handing out water and all that but come on. Who the hell do they think they’re kidding?

The letter I got that was kind of sad was inevitable. I knew the day would come and that’s that my dentist, the best doctor I’ve ever had, is moving to Georgia with her husband so he can pursue his career in law enforcement. I was surprised. I thought she would say she was retiring and moving to Hawaii, but I guess that being older and all that, her husband was likely offered a job as sheriff or something like that.

Holly may stick around but it’s no longer worth driving all the way out to Roseville, so I intend to find a new dentist closer to home. If we were moving in a year or less I might stay with them but we’re going to be here for a long time, so I’d rather find a place closer. Plus, I still prefer to be treated by women and she’s having a guy take over for her. He could be wonderful for all I know, but he and I would rather not have to travel that far in such a crowded place. I appreciate the nearly eight years she helped keep my teeth in shape!

There are a couple of lady dentists just a couple of miles away that are from here from what I read and therefore I wouldn’t have to deal with any hard-to-understand accents of any kind which really annoys the hell out of me.

Even though my PCP has a bit of an annoying accent, I’m used to it, I’ve been with her for a while and am comfortable with her. So I’m going to stick with her for the rest of the time we’re here even though she too, is in Roseville.

Earlier we went to Burger King to try their Impossible Whopper and it was actually pretty good. It tasted very similar to real beef. After treating myself to the burger, fries and some M&M’s, I ended up napping for a little while. Not used to eating that much food and so unhealthy these days. The plant-based burger may be healthier than red meat but the rest of it wasn’t exactly healthy and it was a million calories to take in at once. This burger still has close to the same calories regular burgers do.

I’m having a second cup of coffee now to try to perk myself up. Definitely not going to unwind with Merlot at the end of the day if I stay this energyless. I hope I’m not at the end of the wonderful burst of energy I’ve been having this last week or so. I really like having good energy even if it means having a bit of insomnia. The last two nights I had trouble falling asleep but slept well once I did manage to crash. For a while, I had been getting up twice during my sleep to pee, but lately, I haven’t even gotten up once.

He’s working from home for a few hours today. Earlier, he replaced the brushes and filter on our Roomba and fixed the toilet that wasn’t always flushing properly. Hopefully, it’ll keep working, as he said, but if it doesn’t, we might have to get a new actuator for it.

Alexa has gotten so many devices and gadgets and her app has gotten so confusing and frustrating to use. I was trying to pair the Alexa clock in the bedroom with the remote and also with the Bluetooth speaker, but instead, I paired the remote to Bluetooth. Smart, huh? Fortunately, Tom was able to unpair everything for me.

The more I use Windows the less I like it. Too many things it can’t do that a Mac can do.

The more I use Healthy Hoof, the faster my nails seem to grow. I can’t swear to it, though, because my nails grow fast anyway. My nails are looking healthier as well but that could have been a particular brand of polish that caused the discoloring and lifting I was having. I’m sticking to Nicole polish which has never given me a problem. If my nails continue to do well, I’ll dump all my old polish and get a set of Nicole polish on Amazon. There’s a set of 15 mini bottles for under $20 that I’ve got saved for later.

For now, we’re going to be ordering another heavyweight bowl for the pigs since Blitz sometimes pushes on the divider. That way each side will have a heavyweight bowl since I already have one. This one is white with silhouettes of rabbits and ferrets. The one I plan to get is blue with tan guinea pig faces and paws. Plus, I’m going to get the pink lightweight headphones for when I’m out walking.

Tom said it’s the year of the rat in China. Right on, China! Even though I don’t know what the hell that means.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 2020 Went for a half-hour walk. It’s 50 degrees out. The kind of weather where you wouldn’t want to be outside reading or something like that, but that’s ideal for working out.

I’m now down a total of 2 pounds and so far, it’s been easier than expected. I’ve just got to remind myself once I do start craving variety why I’m doing this and that’s to be healthier and lower my risk of diabetes. Even so, I still don’t expect to lose much more than another pound or two even if I keep dieting and exercising as I have been. My body just doesn’t give up its weight which tells me I’m probably where I’m supposed to be and perhaps not as much of a health risk as I may think at times. At least I know what to do when I start gaining a little extra. I’m not in my 70s yet. No letting it all go to hell until then!

I know Aly isn’t going to be happy about this, but I’ve had it with WhatsApp. They’ve been way too hit-or-miss lately and getting worse. If she ever tells me it’s been a few months since there were any problems there, since I don’t expect her to give up WhatsApp just because I have, maybe I’ll return then. For now, I would prefer Skype. I’ve used both apps for a long time and Skype is definitely more reliable. Rarely does it have problems.

Hard to believe we could be meeting in just a few months. I’m so excited! I told her what my schedule is likely to be in May and June but that’s always subject to change at least a little. I thought she was going to stay here but she prefers a hotel or motel just like Tom and I do when we travel, and while it would have been no problem putting her up for a night or two, I will admit a hotel would be easier on us as well. That way we can go in the kitchen and not have to worry about waking her up and things like that.

She gave me a great idea. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before but she’s bringing her Alexa with her because she likes to relax to nature sounds like I do and I realized I could take one of the older, smaller Dots to play pink noise and then play brown noise through an earbud so I have a wide range of frequencies when we go to Hawaii.

I don’t know why, but the helicopters were more annoying than the commercial planes and small planes yesterday. There were easily over a dozen low-flying helicopters zooming over that it made me wonder if there was a huge accident or something else going on. But when I checked the local news and to see if anything was trending on Twitter in my area, I didn’t find anything. I think it’s just like Tom said, helicopters are much cheaper than they were years ago, so everybody’s got them. I swear the world just keeps getting noisier and noisier, especially in heavily populated areas. I am so done with big cities when we finally get out of here!

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 2020 Down 1.2 pounds after the first day of having under 1000 calories. Wasn’t as hungry as I expected to be either. I just had fruits, veggies and nuts, along with a few thin slices of turkey, a piece of tilapia, and a kiddy smoothie. I try to make sure I have a few bites of veggies or fruit every hour or two, so my body doesn’t think it’s starving.

I emptied out a plastic storage container that was big enough to hold both pigs. It would actually hold three. I coaxed them into that while I changed their liners today and that made it so much easier. It took longer but it was easier because then I didn’t feel rushed and I could take the time to clean things properly. Of course, they didn’t pee in the container which would have been much easier to clean as opposed to the floor.

Since separating them, I’ve been in the habit of pushing the divider in place as soon as they each pick a side. Today’s the first time Blitz ended up closer to the refrigerator. I don’t know that they have a preference either way. As long as they’re fed, that’s all they care about.

Took care of the rats as well which I do every 10 days. I did their lower level yesterday, so all I had to do today was the top. I also changed their hammock which has been these thick blue cloths that people typically use for things like cleaning their cars. They’re about one square foot and the perfect size for them. If I had more than two rats, I would need a bigger one or to set up an additional one, not that they don’t have any other hangouts. This one is the most comfortable, though, being soft.

As soon as I heard how loud the freeway was this morning, I knew the planes would be bad, and sure enough, they’re so loud I can hear the rumble of them over the sound machine. I switched to the earbuds. Ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous as always. I can’t wait till the summer when things are warmer and quieter even if that means more motorcycles.

When I can get brave enough to go out in the 46-degree morning for my walk, I’m going to have earbuds plugged into my phone so I can hear the music better over things like planes, landscaping, traffic and any mutts that might want to go off on me.

Just looked on Amazon and found what looks like the perfect lightweight, small headphones for ten bucks. Because one of my ear canals is deformed, I can’t wear an earbud on that side, so these would be great. Flying coach could mean negligent parents that let their brats scream up a storm, so they would be good for things like that as well.

Said hello to Bob yesterday and Dixie just sent me the dumbest joke… “Our town is so small we don’t have a town drunk, so we all take turns.” eye-roll

Really getting sick of getting notification alerts for this number that I’ve blocked and that tries to call at the same time every day. Having it show up on the pull-down is annoying enough but to have to hear the notification sound is even more annoying. However, I don’t see any way to disable it. Again, what’s the point of blocking someone if you’re going to have to know about it every time they try to make contact? And do these assholes not know they’re blocked, or is it an automated caller?

We’re going to have to fix the toilet in the master bathroom this weekend because the float keeps sticking. I had to remove the cover and I have to press down on it when I flush it to get it to flush all the way.

Started watching Guidance. Some of these high school drama shows are actually kind of funny. There don’t seem to be many episodes in the first season. I miss the days when a season would contain at least 20 episodes. It seems 6-10 is most common now which kind of sucks.

When playing around with the countdowns, I learned that I have 9446 days until my 80th birthday. I still don’t expect to make it to 80, more like to around 77 in which case I have about 8000 more days to live and over 1000 of that will be spent here.

I know I shouldn’t, but I can’t resist sharing the Stacey story with her kids which I know will get back to her, haha. She has two daughters and a son. The son doesn’t appear to use Facebook much unless he’s very private. One of the daughters allows comments from everybody, so I’ll be sure to give Abby, her daughter, a heads-up once it’s ready and posted on Prosebox. LOL

Saw Stacey on YouTube in an interview about a housing management award she won last year, and bitch or not, hatred for me for reason(s) only she knows, she aged tremendously well. The video isn’t the clearest and she looks like she could still be in her twenties for all anyone would know.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 2020 I visited Dixie yesterday and found her to be the same. She’s still struggling but in denial. She’s able to admit that with her wrist still in its cast and her arthritic knees things are hard for her, but she insists she’s “not that old” and isn’t ready for any kind of assisted living. Again, she says Diane is getting harder to care for and needs to be put in some kind of care home, but she’s reluctant to do so. Understandably, she doesn’t want to be alone and she doesn’t trust that Diane will be looked after properly.

We still had a nice chat about this and that and she asked what was going on with me. I was happy to help her change Diane’s sheets, do a little vacuuming for her, and wash her potatoes. when I first got there, I zapped myself a mug of water, which happened to be one of the mugs I gave her, and prepared myself a cup of caramel tea while she put on her makeup. Even at her age she’s very into makeup and feels naked without it, she says. I would wear mine more often if I wasn’t so blind. Even though she’s almost 30 years older, she has better vision than I do.

For the first time since we got them a few years ago, I regret getting these motion-sensor toilets. Too many problems. Not a whole boatload of them but enough. It was also easier to pour buckets of water directly into the toilet bowl to flush it rather than have to uncover the tank and pour it in there when it’s time for water games. They would have been better if they were the kind that flushed automatically when you stood up. You still have to wave your hand. So if you have to do that, you might as well push a handle down and not have to deal with batteries, corrosion in the sensors, and shit like that.

I woke up at the highest weight I’ve ever been (158), despite increasing my exercise. Really believe I’m going to see the 160s this year. The question is whether or not I’ll hit 200 before I die. My first instinct is to fight it as hard as I can because I don’t want to become diabetic and I know it wouldn’t be good for my blood pressure and cholesterol to keep gaining, but it really truly is totally out of my control. Sometimes we really can’t change our size any more than we can change our height. If it weren’t unhealthy and affecting my mobility, I would love my size. Being a big girl definitely keeps the perverts away and me less of a target since most people believe smaller is weaker. Either way, If I could settle for not being so damn buxom and get rid of my gut, that would be enough for me, but that’s not going to happen. I’ll still try to eat as little as possible today, even though not eating much always leaves me hungry, tired and cold. I’ll just have to remind myself that that’s better than diabetes, heart disease, and all the fun stuff that goes with being so big.

I don’t know why I didn’t notice this before when doing periodic checks of my books on Goodreads to see if there were any new ratings or reviews, good or bad. Yesterday I noticed that two people “liked” that nasty review that was also left on Amazon before it was removed. Curious, I clicked to see who they were. One of them was someone named Adam with a private account, and the other was Sarah (no last name).

I’ve added this latest discovery to my harassment log since I don’t expect to never hear from them again as much as I wish that could be the case. Oh, it may be quite a while, but I know my sister. Sooner or later she’s going to want to reach out to me and when she gets no response, she’s going to once again lash out at me and encourage her carbon-copy offspring to do the same.

I’m going to stick to my golden rule of treating everyone equally. I don’t look at anyone as just family. I don’t look at anyone as just a friend. I look at everyone as people. Just people, and if I feel any of those people are toxic in any way, I don’t have anything to do with them. It really is quite simple for me. There is no “because you’re family” or “because we have a lot of history together.” It’s all about how you treat me.

Then I did some thinking and decided to unpublish my books for reasons that go beyond Tammy and her crazy brood. Basically, it’s a lack of sales and therefore lack of confidence.

I can’t go back and untell these assholes about my books and use a pen name, but this way they have less ammunition against me in the future. They could still go and bash books of mine on Goodreads that no one can ever read, since those remain forever in their database. But they can’t hurt sales if I’m not selling anything.

The biggest problem is what’s always been an issue… I’m just an okay writer and not a fantastic one, I don’t write full-length novels that most people prefer, and I’m not famous. From what I’ve seen, the only way you’re going to get regular sales is if you’re at least somewhat well-known. Yes, all books and authors may get negative reviews at times, but most of the ones with negative reviews have dozens of positive reviews for every one negative review they may have.

I can’t block these sick fucks on Amazon like I can on Facebook, Prosebox and other places. The only thing that makes no sense is that if that is the Sarah I think it is, why didn’t she leave negative ratings and reviews on other books instead of just “liking” someone else’s shitty review?

None of her kids ever struck me as the type to be into reading which fits with how empty the account is. These are the kinds of people that basically only do what they have to do in life and anything else would mostly be about food and TV and that’s pretty much it. They have no real hobbies.

But why is she listed as being in Pompano Beach, Florida? That’s 73 miles away from Stuart. But just being a Sarah in Florida who happened to join in November of last year can’t be a coincidence. It’s got to be her. Plus, she has no books, no reviews, no ratings; just that one “like.” I’m sure that when Tammy saw her review get kicked off Amazon, she encouraged the narcissistic bitch to join Goodreads.

And Tammy really thought she could scare me into believing she had an actual legal case against me that she’d already gone to the police with and that she would return to them if we didn’t call her by Sunday, December 1st? She’s even dumber than I ever thought she was if she thought I would be dumb enough to believe that shit.

I thought about unblocking them on Facebook long enough to share the entries I’ve made since the shit went down once we got out of here, but that’s just the thing… She and her kids truly are a bunch of fucking idiots and I knew that a long time ago. They’re not going to get a damn thing I say. Instead, they’ll just turn everything around like they always do and make like I’m the one with the problem, everything I’ve ever complained about where they’re concerned is false, they’ve never said or done anything wrong to me, and they’re the ones that cut ties with me. They’re true counter-attackers. I could accuse them of basically anything and they would automatically insist that no, I was the one who did it. I don’t doubt for a minute that they truly believe they’re totally innocent in everything and anything.

As far as unpublishing my books, there are other reasons like how Tom said I should do something because I want to do it without thinking in terms of what money it may bring. Oh, I’m still going to edit old stories and write more if I ever get any fresh ideas because it’s what I like to do.

Lastly, I still think the less of an online presence you have and the more private you are when looking for jobs or places to live, the better. Maybe not everyone is going to Google you and judge you based on what they find, but if someone who’s conservative can learn I’m liberal and won’t give us a place we want because of it, I could be lessening our opportunities in the future.

It’s not necessarily forever, though. The books aren’t gone. They’ve just been reverted to drafts. I can always change my mind and relist them if I want to. For now, I just feel like a few bucks a month if even that isn’t worth giving these assholes one more connection to me.

I’m currently editing We’ll Meet Again Someday which is the story that Stacey inspired. Some real-life characters and events are mixed in with what I’ve made up, though some have had their names changed. Of course, I changed Stacey’s last name.

I looked up her kids and found that they unblocked me. Stacey hasn’t, though. When I finish editing it, I may share it with them. I’ll know if they see it too, because they’ll just block me again. Hee-hee!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 2020 My God, I’m as sick of hearing about Harry and Meghan as I once was to hear about Brangelina. Can we please move on to someone else now? Someone we’ve never heard of before? And can we only obsess over them for a few months or so?

It’s just after 6 a.m. and here goes the first of the small planes. Hopefully, the commercials will be as quiet as they were yesterday. Let’s check the wind direction. Southeast and rainy.

They’re back to doing OT at work so hopefully that’s a good sign. Honestly, the last thing I sense is him getting laid off. I just don’t “see” it happening. Worst case scenario if I’m wrong…they lay him off, he gets another job in the area, and we take a pay cut and have to curb our shopping. Instead of fun stuff every week, it may have to be every month. I’m not worried about it, though.

Yesterday Kim asked me if I’d heard about the impeachment and all that, and I told her I don’t usually pay attention to the details of politics, even though I am aware of it. Sure enough, today she tells me she doesn’t pay attention to politics either. What is it with her and her constant need to be a carbon copy of others? I still don’t get that any more than those who “happen” to always disagree or be different, both of which drive me nuts. Don’t those who always agree or always disagree and claim to have different experiences realize how obvious they are? I’m sorry but nobody’s that similar and nobody’s that different.

Next to get on my nerves were the pigs. Can’t even go two minutes without pissing and shitting and getting in the way when I’m trying to change their liner. I lay down the towel and they conveniently miss it. It’s like they want to make my life harder. From now on I’m going to contain them in something washable like a large plastic storage bin because I’ve had enough of their shit. Like literally. They were cute, though, as soon as I washed and dried their beds and returned them. They both hopped right in and went to sleep.

I was laughing when I saw the pictures of Guatemalan immigrants storming Mexico in today’s news. It’s about time THEY got to see what it was like being bombarded with illegals burdening the hell out of THEIR system. My laughter didn’t last long, though, because I know damn well where those immigrants are eventually going to end up. Yeah, you guessed it. Hey, why not just move the whole damn world here?

Wearing my stretchy jeans right now for the first time in a while. They seem both stiff and heavy. I’m just not a jeans person. I prefer sweats and tights when I’m not in shorts, skirts or dresses.

Got caught up on the latest episode of Law & Order SVU. It was good despite the usual derogatory anti-white comments.

Had a scary dream last night. We were at home even though the house looked different. In the dream, the living room was sort of in the middle of the place, although the house was rectangular like this one. I spotted a humongous black spider crawling along the baseboard of the living room and even Tom was scared because it was so huge. It was bigger and darker than the monster spiders we would see in Phoenix I’m pretty sure were Avondale spiders. Whatever it was wasn’t a tarantula because the thing ran fast when he went to swipe at it, and I grabbed a can of bug spray and tried to spray it. We had a powerful box fan going in the room and I wasn’t sure if the spray actually hit the spider before it ran and hid somewhere.

I begged Tom to take the following day off of work so we could bomb the place, but he said he couldn’t without giving a little more notice because they were in the middle of a big project. He said he would take the next day off instead.

Then I saw a smaller spider and wondered if it was a baby of the monster or just a lone daddy long legs.

I ran through the house to see if I could spot it and get it with the spray but every time I entered a room and demanded Alexa to turn on the lights, she ignored me (she always does in dreams). I said something about needing someone to help get her working. That someone was a young woman who appeared in person in a split second and turned the lights on.

When she was putting on her coat to leave, I said I wished I could stay at her place for the night and told her about the spider. She looked around fearfully and Tom shot me a look as if to say, “Why did you have to tell her that?”

“You’re okay,” I assured her. “You’ve got shoes on and you’re leaving.”

That was the end of that nightmare!

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 2020 Enjoying a break from the planes this morning but traffic and landscaping will start up in a couple of hours. It’s getting my peace until 8 a.m. that’s nice instead of only until 5:45 a.m. I got up before midnight and even the small planes and helicopters were quiet throughout the night.

I’ve come to hate Rockefeller as much as I love him, LOL. Seriously, I hate it when those who don’t get along put others out because of it. Sort of like how other countries have to pick up the pieces because countries like Syria can’t grow up and get along. Well, Rockefeller not getting along with Blitz definitely puts me out and makes things a little harder on me. Changing their liner definitely isn’t as easy because I only have so much room to move the fence to and the middle divider I added gets in the way.

But I realized that if I just lower the dishwasher door, they can hide under that when I’m changing them. Lately, they haven’t had anything to hide under and that’s also part of why they’ve been getting in the way, peeing off the towel I put down, and just being a real pain in the ass. I’ll try that when I change them tomorrow and see how it works out since I shoo them over to that side of the kitchen when changing them.

Rockefeller may prefer his solitude, but he’s just going to have to deal with being with Blitz in the cage we got for them when we’re on vacation next year. I could leave them in the kitchen in the pigpen but I’d rather not because the last thing I want to do after being on a plane for several hours and awake for God knows how many more is to come home to have to change them right away. With traditional bedding in their cage, it won’t be nearly as filthy after 4-5 days as the liner would be. I’ll make sure I lay down a fresh liner before we leave so all I have to do is transfer them back. I could separate them and put Blitz under the rats but then Blitz would be depressed, and 4 days on a fleece liner, even if it’s just one pig, is going to call for quite a mess. I’d rather them both be on paper bedding, and I’d rather Rockefeller feel like his space is being invaded than for Blitz to be lonely.

Tom and I agree that in order to save money, we’d be willing to fly coach even if first-class is so much better. With my short legs, I’m not hurting for legroom, though, and if God forbid we get stuck next to a screaming brat with parents who don’t give a shit, at least it would only be for a few hours.

Since I couldn’t use speech-to-text on the plane and probably won’t take my laptop, I’ll take an old paper journal and then just speech-to-text it into my Windows PC when I get home. I’ll be taking my phone for pictures and whenever I have the opportunity to take notes and check in with friends. Even if I don’t have time to interact with them as I usually do, it would still be nice to let them know we’re alive and well. I can’t fucking wait! 2021 is too far away. :-(

In other pet news, I didn’t latch one of the lower doors properly to the rats’ cage. Then when I walked up to it later, I found it wide open. Fortunately, Woody stayed put, but of course Fuzzy escaped. Where did I find him? You guessed it; in the pigpen scavenging for whatever he could find, LOL.

The weather has been showing signs of the gradual warm-up that begins at this time of year with temperatures slowly reaching toward the 60s and actually getting into the 60s by the end of the month.

We had a nice weekend. We went to Sam’s on Saturday which was probably our quickest and quietest run ever. We didn’t get as much stuff and those annoying forklifts weren’t running around beeping really loud. They did have music playing for the first time that I remember, and of course, so did Denny’s and Walmart. Denny’s was a little annoying, but Walmart was worse, especially when you were right under one of their fucking speakers. I just don’t get why so many stores and restaurants in this state feel the need to entertain us while we eat or shop.

I got steak and eggs at Denny’s, and the steak wasn’t quite as good as I hoped and a bit tough. The eggs, steak fries and English muffin were delicious, though. He and I want to try one of those plant-based burgers that many places have these days and that people swear tastes exactly like real meat.

Soon I’m going to make a salad. That Greek yogurt dressing has really grown on me. I want to try Green Goddess avocado dressing sometime, too. I picked up a few apples since we have this wonderful peeler. The rodents really love the skin and I take a few bites of the meaty part. I hate the skin of apples because it’s too much like biting into cellophane.

After Denny’s, we went to Walmart to get some groceries. We would have normally gone to Target, but I wanted new bath gloves and I picked up some more brushes for my painting. Whenever we want more than just food, Walmart is the better place to get it if we don’t get it on Amazon.

When Rite Aid opened, we went to get treats and Merlot for me to have during the week. Ramping up my dose for the March 6th blood draw has me a bit nervous. This way, if I really start feeling wound up, the alcohol may calm me down. Plus, I got slices of turkey, so I’m armed with both alcohol and tryptophan.

I was borderline anxious on the 16th, anxious on the 17th, and I was borderline earlier today but I’m feeling better now. Thanks, Barefoot!

I started throwing copies of my journal in the ‘notes’ section of Facebook, and it’s kind of cool how they now list the reading time. So far, my entries for this year range from taking 1-9 minutes to read.

When I was working on the rewrite and editing of my book, I realized I no longer had to guesstimate property distances. Thanks to Google Maps, I can now measure the actual distance of our old property in Phoenix so I could be a little more accurate in my current story where “Riana” lives in a guesthouse in the backyard of a property with a similar layout. It was much deeper than it was wider. Tom guessed it to be 150 ft from the front of the property to the very back. It was actually 133 ft. I thought the property was about 50 ft wide. Close, but not quite. It was actually 55 ft wide. The house itself was 36 ft wide. That house was square whereas this house is rectangular. It wasn’t quite as big. It was closer to 1200 square feet whereas this house is closer to 1400 square feet.

My measurements in my book weren’t too far off but now they’re a little more accurate. The backyard we had there seemed puny compared to the yard of my childhood home, but it actually wasn’t that tiny at 55 x 40. The yard in my book is a little bigger, though.

The more I use it, the more I really like Goodreads. Discovering I was being bashed and trashed there turned out to be a good thing in the end because it not only brought positive reviews to my books later on, but it really is a great way of keeping track of what I’ve read. I love how I could add all my Amazon book purchases. So I will be adding hundreds of books over the next few days to my ‘read’ and ‘want to read’ lists. This way, from now on, if a book looks interesting to me, I can always check and see if I’ve already read it or not.

Still enjoying my new electric razor which Rite Aid sells for twice as much as what I paid for mine on Amazon. I wouldn’t have liked it when I was young, though, because it doesn’t quite shave as close as a regular razor. As we age, our hair not only thins out, but the hairs also get thinner, so any stubble is less noticeable. Plus, our legs don’t look as smooth so any stubble kind of blends in with the blemishes. So it’s good for older people.

I saw markings in the road about a week or two ago that I forgot to mention down by the office. So they’re going to be working in the road again if they haven’t already, not surprisingly. I knew they couldn’t go that long. They can’t stay out of the roads for more than a year here. Why they bothered to seal-coat them is beyond me since it’s only a matter of time before they tear up the entire park yet again.

Something was recently done in the road outside the front gate since there is a section of newly paved road, but that’s way too far away to hear anything at our place.

I had dreams about being in Florida, but they didn’t make any sense. Maliheh was working out with someone in one dream, and then I was outdoors at night when a deep fog suddenly lifted and I could see this enormous lighthouse a few hundred feet away.

Enjoy this entry that Facebook says should take you 8 minutes to read.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 19, 2020 Every now and then I do a search to see what new writing sites may pop up, and I found one called Up to the Sky. It’s like Penzu only better. It’s totally private unless you choose to create and share a public link. I figured I would use it for story drafts since anything I want to share can be done in the usual places.

I like how it has themes, though I wish it had more, and also how it has a handy area for notes, countdowns, to-do lists, and other features.

I created a countdown to when I go to the lab, hoping that it would ease my mind while ramping up my dose if I know I have only a specific number of days to have to deal with any anxiety along the way.

I also created a countdown to next February since that’s about when we’ll take off for Hawaii. I can’t wait! I get so excited just thinking about it.

The last countdown I set up was a little depressing. He reaches full retirement on January 1, 2024. Well, that’s 1443 days from now. :-( As he says, it’s nothing compared to how much time he’s already worked but still a long way to go if you’re anxious to get out of here and into a warmer climate as I am. We won’t necessarily be moving that day either, of course. It’s going to take a few months to sell the house and get out of here, so we’ve likely got 1500 days left.

The new company owners are talking about downsizing and closing some of the buildings where he works which means the threat of a layoff is looming and the dream I had about him getting a raise may mean absolutely nothing at all. It was kind of funny when he said he would look at all his options if that happened because there are only two options to look at. He either gets a job here or we get out of the state. If we want to play it safe and smart, he’ll get a job here.

Finished watching S1 of Twisted and it was delightfully entertaining with all kinds of twists and turns and probably the only show made in the last 20 years that doesn’t reference race/racism. We need more shows like this!

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 2020 Re-writing my 2007 book, We’ll Meet Again Someday, for publication which will hopefully be in April. I’m modernizing it along the way.

Had fun painting the angel figurine yesterday. She came out much better than I thought she would. Watercolors are way easier to work with than acrylics. Love how easy it was to wipe off accidental dabs of paint and to paint over areas as well. Because this figurine has a coarser surface, the color adhered well enough with a couple of coats. I found that it was actually better not to dilute the paint as much. If I made it too watery it would make the paint too thin and then there wouldn’t be much color.

Decided not to paint my fairy figurine because she’s much smoother, and even diluted, it would be very hard to get much of a consistent color. The paint would just thin and bead.

I also love how I don’t have to worry about the paints drying out. I used to hate when I’d forget to close the caps on my acrylics and they would dry up.

Google Docs gave me the option to insert pics related to the journal subjects, so here’s one.

Had a touch of anxiety Yesterday and the day before, so I’m skipping today’s dose. I’m never going to get past 5 weeks! :-(

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 2020 It took three days but yes, Aly did notice and ask me about deactivating on Twitter. I told her I deactivated because no one was tweeting. Then she turned her account into a dream account. Not sure if her timing has anything to do with me deactivating but we’re still connected on my sleep account.

Love my new electric razor! I don’t know if it will stop me from getting irritation under my arms like I’ve been getting these last few years for reasons I don’t understand, but it’s great for my legs.

Haven’t used my watercolors yet but I’m about to after I post this entry.

When we first separated the pigs, Blitz was trying desperately to get over to Rockefeller’s side while Rockefeller was showing absolutely no interest in visiting Blitz on his side. Why Blitz would want anything to do with Rockefeller with the way he bullies him is beyond me. Hopefully adding the dividing wall won’t make even more work for us since there’s only so much room to move it out of the way when I change liners. Plus, Rockefeller hates being handled.

I added a corner hideaway that you hook on that’s made of cloth to Rockefeller’s side because Blitz has the tree trunk hideaway. The top of it is gray and pink fringes hang down across the corner. It’s not as private as their other burrows but it’s still cute. They come in many different colors.

Anyway, I’ll find out if it’s any harder moving the pen out of the way to change them when he gets up since that’s something we do together because it’s so much work. The liners have to be shaken outside as best as possible, which is better for a tall person to do, as we don’t want bits of hair and hay clogging the washer. Then I have to disinfect and sometimes mop the floor underneath the liner since it’s not a hundred percent waterproof like it’s supposed to be. Maybe their nails pierced the silica coating underneath? Then I have to lay down the new liner, shoo the pigs onto it (it doesn’t matter who ends up on which side), shake out and wash the towel I move them onto while changing them, then sweep and sometimes mop the floor outside of the pen as well. Then I have to reload all their supplies. So it’s not exactly a 5-minute task.

Right after I said they’ve been better for a while, the planes got a little annoying yesterday morning. At first I thought it was the distant rumble of thunder since we were having 20 MPH winds and rain, but nope. They weren’t the most annoying they’ve been, but they were noticeable enough. I thought they’d be annoying tonight but they’re not. Just when I thought there was a pattern, though, there isn’t. I’m not sure the direction of the wind really determines whether or not I hear them, but they definitely do seem worse when the winds are heading north. Unfortunately, that’s most of the time, too.

Had a bunch of weird dreams throughout my sleep which likely means I didn’t sleep all that well even though I’m not too tired.

In the first dream, the Twenties were still our neighbors, but we were living attached to each other in two-story condos. I headed out for a walk one day when I noticed some guys holding up these large metal sheets at the sides of their driveway. They weren’t solid sheets or thin. It’s kind of hard to describe them but I knew they were about to put up a garage and wasn’t looking forward to the noise. The bedroom was on a shared wall and I worried that the vibration of the garage door opening and closing would wake me up when I was sleeping, even though it was downstairs.

Then we adopted a baby of all things and I thought to myself that I never would have believed in a million years that we’d be parents. I don’t know what gender it was.

Then I was standing with a few other people by a counter that was as high as my chest. Maybe it was a place of business. Some guy sat his toddler on the counter and then turned away to talk to someone behind him and I secretly hoped she would fall.

Then I was doing an exercise video with Tom when I hit the floor - yes, it was a floor and not carpet - because the crystals in my ears were making me dizzy. They still are in real life, too. If my doctor doesn’t find any wax in my ears that we can’t find when I see her in March, I may need her to take me through those exercises that help get them back in place, even though it’s no big deal. I mostly only feel the sensation when I lie down and only for a few seconds. I wonder, though, if this is a glimpse into the future in a place that has the laminate flooring I wish we’d gotten here.

The last dream I remember is him getting some kind of report card at work. In the report was a list of work behaviors, including taking naps. The box next to that one was checked because, in the dream, he would take naps during breaks. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or not in his boss’s eyes.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 16, 2020 Well, there was no “pray for such and such a city or country” trending on Twitter, so I guess there were no serious natural disasters or shootings today.

The water has remained stable so far and I even dared to replace the cover on the master bathroom toilet tank, LOL. I won’t dare let that tub drain, though!

Two nights ago, I pranked the office again by having my text reader repeat, “Killjoy, don’t turn the water off” on their answering machine.

Then shortly before the office was to open the next morning, something hit me and panic seized me. What if they misunderstood and took it the wrong way? What if they thought the message was really saying, “Kill Joy,” and not, “Killjoy?”

The last thing I need is for them to have the authorities trace the number and arrest me and charge me with threatening phone calls. I could skip court, but I couldn’t refuse to be arrested. So I got right on with the damage control before the office could open and I would have to talk to someone live and explained in a voice message, without giving my name, that it was just a joke because I was so frustrated over the water situation. Not surprisingly, they never called back, so hopefully they won’t make anything of it.

When I get to worrying about getting old and dying, I try to tell myself I’m not going to suffer for five years before I die as I did during peri and when my medication was backfiring on me, but even just a few days can seem like years. Plus, some people really do suffer in their final years of life. Not everyone just up and dies.

As silly as it may seem, especially since I can’t possibly know what may lie beyond or have any control over it, I still worry about what I may be in store for in the afterlife if one exists. My greatest fear is it being so much worse than my worst of times in this life. I try not to imagine it being so full of fear, pain and depression, along with loneliness for those I knew and loved, and stuck in that state for eternity, but telling myself I have no control over it either way doesn’t ease my fears as if seems to with Tom. He never worries about things that are out of his hands and just takes one step at a time, one day at a time, and deals with things as they come along. I have often wished I could be like that, but I am who I am just like he is who he is.

I can’t help but look forward to those golden years and hope they will be the best years of our lives filled with beautiful weather and a quieter place we both totally love. Oh, how I look forward to returning to Hawaii next year and eventually going yachting. I’m so sick of the same old, same old! I really need some change. Good, fun change. It isn’t that things are bad, of course. We have money, we have great neighbors, we have a safe place to live even if it can be noisy and we don’t always have water, we’re in good health, etc. But things have gotten a bit stagnant.

Tom said, we never know. The new bosses may decide to lay him off and then we’ll be forced to have to make a decision, but I still don’t see him being let go and us getting out of a place this noisy anytime soon. Although I will say that the skies have been much quieter and I’ve absolutely LOVED not having to have sound machines on at night. The winds have been going S, ESE, and SE, but I know that as soon as they’re heading N again, the planes will be back. Still doesn’t mean the daytime is peaceful around here with loud traffic and landscaping, though. I just have a feeling that we’re not going to be able to get out of here that easily. The story of my life…being stuck in places I don’t want to be. It’s been that way since my teens. If we were smart, though, we would want to stay put until he retires. It’s just too risky to take off without a job lined up, and then there’s the insurance thing, too.

When we talked about RVing, Tom said I may not want to hear this, but he doesn’t want to give up his stuff, especially his 3D printer. That’s fine. I don’t want to give up all my stuff either, but since we don’t plan to take the furniture or the exercise equipment, and since I have a lot of things I don’t use or need anymore and wouldn’t mind downsizing, maybe we could go out in an RV and pull Candy behind it. Between Candy and the RV, we could store shit in that and not have to use a storage company. That still wouldn’t mean we could get a place until after he’s been working a while, and that still doesn’t solve the insurance problem, but it’s an idea. As I was telling Aly, though, twice we changed states with no job and only a few thousand dollars if even that, and it led to disaster. We’d have a lot more than just a few grand this time around, but nothing else changes. If he doesn’t have incoming money to show from either a retirement check or a job, no one’s going to give us a place just because we could afford to give them a hefty down payment. We could also lose the chance to ever own a place again this way because we would have to live off the sale money of the house until he could get established working somewhere, which is the money that would have gone to buy a new place. Renting wouldn’t be the end of the world, but it has its downsides.

If I had to choose between Mac and Windows, I would go back to Mac. Windows is alright but it’s missing too many features that the Mac had that I found handy. Just little things here and there that I’ve noticed.

That blocked number keeps trying to call and I have to keep deleting the notification. So much for out of sight and out of mind. I don’t think they realize they’re blocked. You don’t get a message saying you’ve been blocked. From what I found out, all you get is fewer rings before it goes to voicemail. I think it only rings once. No voice messages, though I don’t know if it’s because they haven’t left any or they did, but it wouldn’t go through.

I’ve got that strange head pressure that I still can’t figure out. I don’t know if it’s TMJ, allergies, my blood pressure or what. It’s a hard feeling to describe. “Pressure,” is the only thing that comes to mind. It’s almost as if my head is vibrating as well or maybe stopped up like when you have a cold, even though it doesn’t feel that way, if that makes any sense. I definitely don’t have a cold.

I’ve been getting more private questions and thought I would answer a couple of them. Are there any power couples I’m sick of hearing about? Absolutely! Harry and Meghan. I don’t care for the royal family in general because of the way they seem to be so narrow-minded in the way they live and function. The message they send women is, “You have to marry the opposite sex and have kids as if it was 1950 all over again.”

Where are the gay/lesbian couples in the royal family? Where are the single moms? Where are the married childless couples? Where is the reality? Variety; that’s real life. Not everyone doing the same things and following the same narrow-minded script people followed 50 years ago.

Next question… Is there anything I regret telling anyone? The response to sharing my story about having circadian rhythm disorder and of how I was the victim of reverse discrimination got me thinking about how a friend said they don’t share personal things because people don’t get it. Oh, they get it, all right. But only if they can relate to it or it’s a common thing. Circadian rhythm disorder may not be that common but reverse discrimination is more common than people realize. The problem is that people don’t get it unless it happens to them. Also, it’s something that’s often swept under the carpet and under-addressed. The media chooses to focus on certain victims and leave the rest out and therefore, most people don’t believe a black/Hispanic person could possibly screw over a white person. “Blacks don’t do that,” people say. Or, “There’s no such thing,” and that gets pretty frustrating and insulting after a while. Like watching two people kiss and being told that doesn’t happen.

I was going to start Bowflexing again but the last thing I need is to build more muscle. I have more than enough. I’ll just stick to the basic exercises (my core mostly) and focus more on cardio. 80% of my exercise will be walking and jogging.

My nails are both ugly and embarrassing. I’m finding myself a little more self-conscious when it comes to things like my nails and my ear and I don’t like it one bit. It’s just not like me to give a shit. I guess it’s not so much what other people might think, but me not liking what I see. If I don’t like it, that’s enough for me to wish I could change things. But my ear can’t be changed, and neither can my nails. I realize it’s just a shape and that some people have smooth nails while others have ridges, just like some people are tall and some are short. It’s the discoloration and the lifting that bothers me more. The discoloration is probably from nail polish, but I’m not sure about the lifting. That’s usually connected to thyroid or iron issues and I certainly don’t have any iron issues.

Going to be getting an electric razor for women that can be used on the legs and under the arms in hopes of getting less irritation under the arms that way. It’s got 5 round heads, plus a regular shaver for longer hairs.

The pigs are back together but still separated. We added a new wall/fence to the pen, dividing it in half. Blitz was depressed by himself. Most rodents prefer to be around other rodents, but Rockefeller simply doesn’t like him and wants to be alone. Blitz is already perked up just being close to him and it was funny because he was trying to get over to his side. Rockefeller would only bully him if they were together again, though. He likes his solitude and doesn’t want anything to do with him.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 14, 2020 The water was off from midnight to 4 p.m. and now they say it should be back on for good. Yeah, right.

Mrs. Twenties alerted me to another more detailed interview by another TV channel, and there was even a quick clip on Twitter. It took them FIVE fucking days to set up porta-pissers behind the clubhouse!

I was LMAO when Mrs. Twenties told me that some people were taking water out of the pool for their toilets. Brilliant! That would certainly make filling the smaller jugs easier and quicker.

Ellen is the woman who moved into the yellow house on the corner where the annoying contractor used to live, and according to Carolyn, she doesn’t always provide correct information. She says the woman is really nice but acts like a know-it-all. We’ve never met, as I told her.

Whatever happened to Tom and Nanette, the people who were supposed to take over for Killjoy? And who the hell is Doug? Apparently, according to the interview we saw, he’s the actual park manager. I guess Killjoy is just the office manager.

We took our showers this evening and washed the pigs’ liner because we don’t doubt that the water will be turned off again at midnight.

Had to separate the pigs for fighting. They’ve been getting into it more and more lately. Tom looked up a video on guinea pigs fighting and wow! They can really get into it like rats and mice, although I’ve never had any that fought as badly as what I saw in the video. That doesn’t mean these two aren’t capable of getting there, so I decided to put Blitz under the rats. The rats have plenty of space on the upper level, and Blitz should be fine if it’s just him. If that proves to be too small, I’ll move him to the other cage.

Totally regret getting the pigs. But while we do have them, it’s nice to hear their chatter and it should be easier to pick up Blitz in a smaller cage for occasional cuddles where he doesn’t have as much room to run. Slaving over such high-maintenance pets really gets old, though. They’re so much work and money and of course, I don’t appreciate the smell either.

I doubt we’ll do this, but Tom and I talked about busting out of here in an RV in which case only Fuzzy would come with us. Everyone else would have to be re-homed.

Either way, we’re going to have to think about it more. We both agree that an apartment wouldn’t be any quieter so if we’re going to be cramped in a smaller space with all the shit we’ve got, we may as well throw it in storage and head out in an RV. The only problem with the RV is that storing our stuff would be harder because we wouldn’t have a set place to store it in. But what is appealing about an RV is that we could take off without any set destination in mind and get a chance to explore various places first. The only problem with doing this is that if we sink our sale money into an RV, we may never again get the chance to own. There are actually benefits to renting a place if we could keep the damn landlord out of the picture. When the landlord lives on-site is when they can be a pest like Jesse could. But if we rent, it would be easier to move if we wanted to and the major expenses would be on the landlord. But we wouldn’t be able to customize it to our liking or control when non-emergency repairs and upgrades took place. That means if something was done when I was sleeping, we wouldn’t have much control over it. I don’t know what the hell we’re going to do yet. I just know I don’t want to be stuck here for another four years!

The new company owners have cut out the overtime which is both good and not.

We got a new glucose home testing kit and when I woke up and before I had eaten, I was disappointed to find myself at 104. Tom insists there’s nothing to worry about because this is typical in older people. He reminded me that he was the same at my age and has been holding steady ever since and hasn’t continued to climb yet he’s got three times more weight to lose than I do. And yes, diabetes runs in our families.

I know losing weight would help my glucose, blood pressure and cholesterol and pretty much everything, but I hate being hungry. Unless something’s wrong with you, you can’t lose weight without being hungry, and the older you are, the less you can eat which means even more hunger. Plus, the weight would only come right back. So unless it’s dire, I prefer to keep the extra weight and eat when I’m hungry. Avoiding sugar too, of course, most of the time.

I was thinking of getting a cheap set of watercolor paints and seeing if it might be easier to paint figurines with that instead of acrylics. That way, if I fuck up, I can wipe it off if I dilute the paints so the colors aren’t as bold as acrylics and oils. I might even grab a watercolor pad because according to some videos I saw, they’re pretty versatile and you can do some really neat effects with them. I like how I could control the consistency of the watercolors.

I woke up a million times during my sleep, and one time it was from a dream about having evidence that a neighbor raped another neighbor twice. I didn’t live in the park in the dream and I don’t know who the people were. They were a lot younger. I was racking my brain trying to decide whether or not I should take the evidence to the police. I wanted the guy put away but I was afraid of retaliation if the guy suspected I was the one that turned him in.

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 2020 The water came back on in the late afternoon. Now the question is whether or not the next shut-off is in a matter of hours or a matter of days. Really getting sick of this shit. It’s beyond ridiculous!

As I told him, I really think we should consider getting a one-bedroom apartment until we can get out of the state since that’s all we can afford here, and even that would be a little more expensive than this. We only got in here in the first place due to my inheritance and the economy being so shitty. Right now, there’s no way we could get another house, manufactured or not. I know we have a lot of shit and I would hate to be crammed into a one-bedroom, and I definitely don’t miss waking up having to pee to find him in the shower, but at least we would have water all the time. Also, this place is noisy so much of the time that the noise there would seem like nothing. If they only do landscaping the usual once a week and the place isn’t on a busy street or in a flight path, it may actually be quieter.

Okay, so that may be stretching it a bit. Apartments usually do have their fair share of noise, even if some may start off quiet. The biggest thing is all the banging…Doors, cabinets, footsteps, and movement in general. It would be our shit luck to get next to someone with a loud, bass-filled stereo or TV, and a bunch of brats running overhead with parents who don’t give a shit.

I looked at random house rentals in Florida and found a few I wished I could magically transport myself to. It wasn’t that there was anything special about the houses themselves, but I love how far back they were from the street and how they had so much more privacy and space around them, yet you didn’t have to drive an hour to the middle of nowhere to get to them. I’m hoping that rather than jumping into a house and possibly finding my asthma and allergies can’t handle that climate as I was surprised to find that cats trigger my asthma, and then be stuck there for years, we can rent a place for 6 months or so before we jump into anything permanent. It’s always good to test drive the car before you buy it if you have that option.

I spoke to Dixie by phone earlier and she said she talked to Killjoy, as is my new name for her, and Dixie asked her why she uses Roto-Rooter when they’ve got horrible reviews. Killjoy said that’s who they’ve been using for the last 18 years, and Dixie said, “Well, maybe that’s the problem.”

ROTFL! Yeah, maybe.

I was delighted that Suki already got borrowed in Germany and has already made it onto Goodreads. Hopefully not so it can be bashed and trashed.

My Tipi doll came today and is very nice. So did the 7 fashions I got for the 14” vinyl dolls that she and Elula can wear.

I also got a dozen toe rings in silver, gold and rose gold. They don’t stay shiny for long because they’re cheap junk but putting soap on a toothbrush and scrubbing them every now and then helps shine them back up. Plus, we have a jewelry cleaner.

“Camille” has deactivated on Twitter. I was going to do voice blogging there without showing my face but just couldn’t get into it. I’ll use Bubbly when I want to talk-blog, even though Aly may hear it.

I also deactivated my main Twitter account which I was connected to Kim and Aly since they rarely tweet. Let’s see how long it takes Aly to notice. When she announced on the first that she was going to check in more and interact with people more, I knew she wouldn’t. She’s just not into Twitter, and if she is, it’s not on this account.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 2020 Just when I thought I couldn’t hate it here anymore, it was all I could do to keep from storming down to the office and doing things best left out of print to every single incompetent idiot asshole that works here! We’ve been without water for days. Yes, not hours…DAYS! This place has gone way beyond fucking ridiculous. It was an otherwise great weekend where I felt good and some funny things happened along the way, including good things such as The Seduction of Suki being published.

It all began Friday morning just after 11. Usually, it’s off for an average of 4 hours, so I figured it would be on before I wanted to take my shower that evening and tackle the laundry. Wrong!

Then Tom got a ridiculous automated voice message saying the water would be back on Monday, October 29th. Funny too, since both last and next October 29th are on a Tuesday.

We drove to the open fire hydrant where people were filling jugs of water and we did the same. One of the guys down there said something about them draining the line and a huge pipe replacement nearby.

I was hesitant to call the office at first because of the way the park loves to retaliate against complainers. But as the hours ticked by, I was getting increasingly frustrated, and besides, it was a formal written complaint that turned out to be against a friend of Joy’s that I got spited for. This was different. Plus, they don’t know my number and I don’t have my name on my outgoing message, so they wouldn’t know who the hell I was when I called and screamed on their answering machine. Sometimes we just have to vent, you know?

I’ve been in touch on and off with Mrs. Twenties and we both agree this is just ridiculous and something needs to be done once and for all. It’s against the law for a park not to supply its residents with water. I really think we should band together and deduct from our rent. Take our space rent and divide it by how many days are in the month and deduct the amount for the days the water was off.

Yesterday afternoon, Tom and I made a bet about when the water would be back on. He thought it would be on that evening and I said Monday morning at 10:30. Sure enough, the water wasn’t back on last night, so I get all his Bing points for this month and next.

Unable to wash my hair, I threw powder in it to dry up some of the oil and feel a little bit refreshed.

So the water finally came back on at 10:30 this morning after being off for nearly 48 hours. I thought, wow, right time, wrong day. But as I told him, I doubted that was it. He said he thought they may work on it tomorrow and shut the water off then, but it was getting kind of late in the day and he was pretty sure the water would stay on until tomorrow. Wrong! Luckily for us, we had just finished our showers and got the laundry done when it went off around 5.

Thank God I filled up the tub which I’m never going to leave empty again! Plus, we filled our 6 1-gallon jugs. Maybe I’ll still be right about the 10:30 Monday morning thing.

I left some unsavory reviews under a different name on a couple of sites and pulled a few other pranks that the Twenties found hilarious. I told them how I typed “turn the water on” and had my text reader read and repeat it like a broken record in a voice message. Plus, how I left my speech-to-text running while watching a show and sent them what it came up with on their contact form using a bogus email addy.

Then Mrs. Twenties gave me an interesting link after telling me that Channel 13 was coming to do an interview with someone on Daisy yesterday. The reporter was standing just outside the back gate reporting on the issues, and some scenes were shot around the park. I could see that the problem was by the lake. They’re replacing a 20-foot break in a 33-year-old pipe. The closer you are to the main line in front, the better off you are. Well, we’re far away from the front of the park, and Daisy is even further. A couple in their late 80s was featured showing how dirty the water is. Yes, it’s f filthy when the water is first turned back on! Tom had to clean the faucet screens.

The reporter said they tried to contact management, but they didn’t hear back from them. Well, that’s no surprise.

Anyway, my silly husband added water to the tank of one of the toilets and was replacing the cover when the sensor “saw” part of the plastic wrap on the toilet paper that was on top of it and flushed the damn thing. So I’m like, “Great, just great,” and he goes, “Yeah, I love you too.” LOL

Then, it turns out I left a container of Clorox wipes under the sink empty. I guess I didn’t realize it was empty when I pulled the last wipe out because the bottom of the container is filled with cleaning solution and the weight of it can make you think there are more wipes in it. But there wasn’t and my wonderful husband starts to say, “Any reason you left an empty—,” then stops when the cover flipped open and the liquid went flying onto the floor, including in part of the pigpen and on a piece of their lettuce. Oh yeah, there’s been loads of fun along the way, haha.

I’ll be sleeping till the early afternoon tomorrow, so if the water is on when I get up, I won’t know if it came on at the predicted time.

Again, it’s been an otherwise pleasant weekend. Even surprisingly peaceful. I don’t know why, but the planes have been much quieter lately. I doubt it will last long, so I’m enjoying it while it does.

We haven’t exactly eaten healthy this weekend, but we deserve a break at least once a week. Between his base pay and OT, he’s going to be pulling in about 6k this month. I couldn’t help but giggle at the thought of Tammy knowing that and knowing how pissed she’d be, LOL. And downright jealous, too.

We went to KFC yesterday and today we got some junk at Rite Aid. I also got a statue of an angel that was on sale.

We even had fun planning and getting ideas for our next vacation in Hawaii. This will probably be way in the future but someday we want to go on a small cruise as well. They have these yachts with only a little over 100 passengers as opposed to the 4k that was on the cruise we went on that turned out to be a disaster, and some of them are pretty affordable. We won’t do this until we’re settled in Florida, which is years away, unfortunately.

The Tipi doll will be here tomorrow.

The respiration count said he breathes an average of 11 times a minute in his sleep while it’s 18 for me.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 2020 Today I’m having less dizziness and more energy. I can live with that. :-)

Today is the second fucking day in a row that the water has been off. I had a feeling they may do this too, because the last time around it was three or four days. So the water will probably be off when I get up tomorrow.

I went out walking for a half-hour or so. Planes, landscaping, planes, landscaping. Some parts of it were quiet, though. A couple of days ago I only heard a few planes, but yesterday I heard all kinds of shit in the sky. It’s a little better now but tonight will probably be bad. It’s easy to complain about but this is all I’ve known for so long now that I honestly can’t imagine it any other way. You really do adapt over time and I’m sure that when we move, I’ll seek out a similar situation at least subconsciously since people tend to gravitate toward what they’re familiar with. Definitely going to get off the busy street and further from small airports and commercial flight paths, though. If we ever did land a quieter place, I’m sure it would take time to adapt to that too, but by the time I did, it would probably be just as noisy as it is here. With the way helicopters have gotten so much cheaper and more things being done by air, I wonder if there will be any peaceful airspace left in another 10 to 20 years.

On my way up the main drag was an open fire hydrant. It wasn’t spraying water into the street, though. I wonder if it’s got anything to do with why the assholes have the water off today other than the fact that they’re incompetent and can’t fix things right.

He worked so damn late yesterday that he went from time and a half to double time, making nearly forty bucks in an hour.

I agree with the guy who commented on yesterday’s entry about obese people being discriminated against which needs to stop while overcompensating for it by claiming you’re proud of it isn’t the way to go. Obesity is definitely nothing to celebrate or be proud of, but are they really proud? Somehow, I have my doubts. Who the hell is proud to be tremendously overweight? You can love yourself and accept yourself without being proud of being unhealthy or at least setting yourself up to be unhealthy.

Perhaps some people truly don’t give a shit. I may not be 100 pounds overweight but I don’t give a shit that I’m fat as long as I don’t gain any more. I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if most of those who are obese and claim they’re proud of it are in denial. I think those that tell themselves they’re proud of something they’re probably not the least bit proud of deep down, is just their way of dealing with it. Many people can brainwash themselves over time, and the more they tell themselves something, the more they believe it.

Maybe another reason some claim they’re proud to be so overweight is they figure that will keep them from being either fat-shamed or having the health risks pointed out to them by people like Jillian Michaels. But hey, let people put themselves at risk for heart attacks and strokes. I’m doing the same thing by not taking statins, LOL.

I wonder if I should make this my next blog topic. It’s just hard to motivate myself to get into blogging with no guarantees in the end. I don’t like this “maybe I’ll get paid” thing. I want to either do a job with payment in return or just not bother. That doesn’t mean I wouldn’t help out a friend, of course, but I get a little tired of the maybes. Yeah, maybe I’ll fucking win the lottery too (rolls eyes sarcastically).

I had a dream that Aly was coming to visit only we weren’t in California. Instead, we were in Arizona. She was driving as opposed to flying. I looked at the clock and then at Tom and said, “Think she’s hit the Arizona border yet?”

“Yeah,” he said, and I jumped for joy and twirled around like an excited little kid. :-)

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 2020 I totally stand by Jillian Michaels who was actually fact-sharing and not fat-shaming when it comes to Lizzo. People continue to be way too sensitive and mistake constructive criticism for trolling. First, I’m not a Lizzo fan. I don’t listen to music as much as I used to and therefore, I’m not familiar with her music. However, I agree with Jillian when she says her music should be celebrated and not her weight. It’s one thing to be okay with being overweight and to accept it, but it’s another to be proud of it, especially if you’re hundreds of pounds overweight as Lizzo is. Lizzo owns her weight. It’s her body and she has a right to do with it as she pleases, but like it or not, there are many health risks associated with being so big, and that’s all she was pointing out. No, not all heavy people are unhealthy, and no, not all of us could become skinny for various reasons, but we can certainly take steps to prevent ourselves from becoming 100 pounds overweight hence putting ourselves at risk for diseases. We don’t celebrate our rashes. We don’t celebrate dental cavities. We don’t celebrate high blood pressure. We don’t celebrate high cholesterol. So then why do we celebrate overly enlarged fat cells? To be politically correct? Well, honest-to-God fat-shaming by calling people names and making rude and nasty comments about their appearance may be wrong, but let’s see how much she’s willing to celebrate when she gets diabetes.

Ugh! I just had the same bout of runs I had yesterday. It came on suddenly, not surprisingly, as soon as I sat down to write. Just WTF is wrong with me?! This dizziness and fatigue are getting really frustrating, especially the fatigue. It could be a brain tumor, but I seriously doubt it. It’s just that they can cause dizziness and fatigue. I don’t think it’s a tumor, however, because I usually only get dizzy when I lie down or tilt my head in a certain way. I think it’s that crystal thing that’s causing the dizziness. Unfortunately, the fatigue is likely connected to my thyroid as much as I wish it wasn’t.

It literally makes me shiver to think of my thyroid being this bad when they threw me in jail. I would have definitely gone into a coma before they finally allowed me to have my medication.

Anyway, I’m going to begin ramping up my dose in preparation for labs and hope for the best but expect the anxiety to return once it builds up. It’s just that if I wait until February 1st to take it every day, it may not be quite enough time since I’ll be going to the lab in early March. Plus, I don’t want to shock my system. I’m going to go from 3 full doses to 4 full doses next week, 5 full doses the week after that, 6 full doses the week after that, then take it every day through February and hope to hell I don’t get anxious before labs, as unlikely as that seems.

Speaking of just how much I’ve lost since hitting menopause, I didn’t realize just how much those hormones that control libido also control other things as well, though it makes sense when I think about it. Many things are more interconnected than we may first realize. In other words, my loss of libido is part of what’s causing my writer’s block. I never have crushes on people anymore no matter how good-looking they may be, and therefore I don’t have anyone I’m eager to make a story out of. Libido isn’t just about the act of sex and getting off, so I realize, but connected to attraction as well. Again, it makes sense when I think about it.

Yesterday was unusually quiet, but today we’re right back with the planes and landscaping. A few days ago, the paramedics were at Dahl’s place and a large medical equipment truck was there yesterday. I wonder if the guy had a stroke or a heart attack. Tom said he appeared to be around 70 and not very healthy.

Last night I dreamed I was in some place against my will. I don’t know if it was more like a jail or Valleyhead but I’m guessing the latter based on the appearance of my surroundings in the dream. There were these small bunk beds in my room and I thought of how I would let someone know I didn’t need them anymore and tell them I wouldn’t be around much longer if they asked if I wanted to use them as shelves. However, I knew I could be there for years even though I was determined not to be.

Then I was outdoors walking down a sidewalk with tears of hope in my eyes for some kind of ceremony. There were people at picnic tables in grassy areas on both sides of me observing me as I made my way down the walkway. Shortly before this, someone was giving me a big hug and I kept repeating something over and over again, determined to make it a mantra to live by, whatever it was.

After I walked several hundred yards, I stopped to greet this lesbian couple I was familiar with. They happily announced they would be having another child through artificial insemination and I was elated for them.

Later…

Here we go with the water outages again. I just told him the other day that anytime now they would turn it off again. Yeah, I know their fucking schedule.

I created a new account on Twitter and opted out of discoverability in hopes that Aly won't find the account this way. I don’t show my face but I’m trying it out and will see if I might want to do my voice blogging there instead of on Bubbly.

Began the pilot of the first season of Twisted. It seems to be geared more toward older kids like Pretty Little Liars, but it’s something I might like.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 2020 What the hell was that all about? After my walk, I had the runs. No idea why I have that from time to time.

Won from Rat & Mouse magazine a second time. :-) I won the Ship Rats Trilogy by Rhian Waller.

Another surprisingly peaceful morning. I could definitely get used to not having to hear planes so much. I could hear a few out on my walk but that’s about it. It’s very cloudy out there and I can’t even hear the freeway. There’s definitely a connection. If I hear the freeway, I hear the planes. So I guess it just depends on the wind and weather.

It was so cold out there! It was in the mid-forties, but the winds were calm. I walked for a half-hour and started off cold. Halfway into it, I warmed up as I knew I would. When I got back to the warm house, my cheeks felt like blocks of ice.

I only heard one landscaper, but no barking or outrageously loud vehicles. It was actually pretty dead out there. Like no one wanted to be out in the cold. Sooner or later, though, I’m sure I’ll hear some landscaping from inside the house or someone doing something.

I know I said I would stop giving a shit in general about what people that find my journal may think, and while that’s very true, I’m still going to keep it more generic than personal when it comes to public entries. The world still doesn’t need to know every single thing about my life.

The number I blocked tried to call, according to my notifications. So it works, which is nice, but I would still rather not get notifications. The whole idea is to keep them out of sight and out of mind and not be aware of unwanted callers and then have to clear notifications. I wonder if they could still leave voice messages if they wanted to.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 2020 Just thought I would do an update while I wait to hear back from Dixie. I saw her yesterday, and today she said she needs milk and water from Walmart and needs help getting in. She asked if I would like to come along. I let her know I was available.

When I visited her yesterday, she was her usual non-stop chatty self. She’s definitely forgetful and a touch moody. Some of the things she says make absolutely no sense at all. After using her bathroom, I complained about how long it takes to pee when you get older and her solution was to tell me to stick a finger up my vagina and that would “get it all.” LOL Sure, Dixie, whatever.

It’s still nice to visit her every now and then. I enjoy helping her in ways I can. The poor thing can’t even hook her bra which I had to do for her when I got there. Since she still has a cast on her wrist, I took out her trash, checked her mail, cut some old pant legs into rags for her, and put a pillowcase on Diane’s drool-stained pillow. All the while I was doing this, I took pictures of all the rooms except for Dixie’s bedroom and bathroom and Dixie was none the wiser as to what I was up to, LOL. I did it to show Tom so he could compare her place to ours. It’s definitely had a lot more upgrading! If we had to stay here another four years as I believe we will, but could trade houses in an instant, I would probably do it.

What frustrated me was that I couldn’t figure out a way to upload all the pictures at once to Facebook. That’s easy to do on my cheap $1 Android but this $350 phone seems to have no option for that. That’s going to be a real bitch with all the pictures I plan to take on our next vacation.

Since I didn’t care for the mug that came with the hot cocoa gift package that was on clearance last week, I gave the reindeer-decorated mug to Dix and Di, and they appreciated it. I brought down a packet of minty hot chocolate, filled the mug with water after washing it, and zapped it in her microwave. I sipped on this while we chatted.

Anyway, not surprisingly, Dixie got a little upset by me suggesting she and Diane look into some kind of assisted living. I guess it’s just hard for older people to admit they really do need a helping hand and that things just aren’t the same. Trust issues are a big thing too. The two of them are really struggling big time. I honestly don’t see how they can go on as they have for much longer. Dixie can’t even get up from her chair normally. She has to put a wooden chair next to her lounger which she slides down onto her knees and then pushes herself up by placing her hands on the seat of the hard chair. If she can barely take care of herself, she can’t possibly take care of Diane properly with the way she is. I can definitely see doctors and others recommending she place Diane somewhere as they have. Linda, Diane’s babysitter, often helps out, but still. These two just shouldn’t be living on their own. I have a feeling they’re going to have to be forced out of there or something really bad is going to have to happen first. It’s sad and it reminds me that Tom and I will be old someday with absolutely no one to help us.

I did a heart attack risk predictor on two different sites and despite my shitty numbers, I have only a 3% chance of a heart attack over the next 10 years.

On my way back to our place yesterday, which is only four houses away, I could hear these creepy-sounding test sirens. I couldn’t hear them in the house, but I could hear them outside. I don’t think I’ve ever heard those before, and we’ve been here for 6.5 years. I’m not worried about Iran. As Tom said, there’s an election coming up. Besides, if they could take down a country that has way more weapons than they have, they would have already done so. Iran is easily one of the most hateful and deadliest countries, especially when it comes to the US. So they wouldn’t hesitate to wipe us out if they had the technology to do it.

Definitely not going to get cucumber mint-flavored sparkling water again. It’s just too weird. I’ll stick to my fruity flavors.

Yesterday was the second time I got a call from a number that’s been reported as a scammer, so I blocked it, curious to see if blocking actually works on this phone.

Since I decided to stop worrying about who sees what of my journal and started allowing comments, I got a private comment saying they like the writing prompts I’ve been doing and asked if they could ask me specific questions at times. I said sure. So they asked me to write about what kinds of stereotypes and generalizations bug me the most.

I’d say things about Jews being rich, and associating marriage with kids are a bit irritating. I’m from a Jewish family and I’m far from rich as are many other Jewish people. I’m married without children which has actually become more of the norm than the other way around. Many people that do have kids these days have them before tying the knot. But not everyone who gets married wants to have kids if they don’t already have them. I understand, though, that stereotypes don’t come out of nowhere as much as some of us may wish they did. Many Jewish people are wealthy and many people who got married before 20-30 years ago had kids. But… Times change. People change. Traditions change.

Dixie just messaged me to say she’s fighting with the government over the phone on something she won’t elaborate on but I’m guessing has to do with her inability to remain independent. So not going to the store and that’s OK because I really don’t feel all that great today. Mild dizziness and fatigue are back along with that strange pressure and sensation in my head where it’s almost vibrating. No idea what the hell it is.

Later…

Molly hasn’t tweeted since December 2nd, and I still can’t believe she would simply fail to notice Aly ghosting her or ignore her when she realizes she’s being ignored. She would be curious and want an explanation. Then she may even try to reach out to me.

I’m guessing she and Aly created new Twitter accounts somewhere to keep in touch. Not sure why Aly is reluctant to acknowledge her friendship to me when she knows I won’t pressure her about it and haven’t for a while. She knows how I feel about Molly and that’s that. We won’t try to change each other’s opinion of Molly. I’ve made it clear that I accept that she has a right to pick and choose her own friends.

They might be keeping in touch on WhatsApp and Molly may have other reasons for discontinuing her tweets, but I doubt it. Whether or not they’re in touch on WhatsApp, I think they’re still connected somewhere on Twitter. Not going to bother trying to find additional accounts of theirs because I just don’t care, especially about Molly. I’m sure I’ve done and said all kinds of things to offend Aly, knowing how sensitive she is, but if she’s mentioned it anywhere, so be it. She doesn’t have to tell me what she doesn’t want to share with me.

Even though Aly could decide to check every now and then and anyone can look me up by email, as she taught me, I’m back to using Bubbly again just for something to do. I still find myself getting bored at times and wanting to sit and chat about whatever comes to mind. Since I’m not a 10-year-old who can find comfort in talking to her dolls or playing pretend, Bubbly is my go-to when I want to do a verbal version of my journal.

I still only have one blog post and have been meaning to do a second one but I’m not feeling very motivated and encouraged. The odds of making much money this way still seem unlikely. If I’m going to work so hard for so little, it may as well be with the stories I enjoy writing. That is, whenever I have the luxury of ideas coming to me. I just don’t get as many ideas these days and when I do, they just don’t excite and motivate me in the way they used to.

I realize it’s been a long time since I cried. That’s how much better my emotions have been this last year or so. That doesn’t mean I still don’t get in blah moods at times like I am now or worried about future possibilities and things like that. But if I’m remembering correctly, I haven’t cried since we lost our last round of rats just over a year ago. I think it’s a combination of age, EMDR and hitting menopause. Just like some things don’t seem new and exciting the older we get, things also don’t tend to evoke negative emotions such as anger, stress and depression with the same frequency and intensity as when we’re younger.

At this very moment, I feel empty and bored and like I definitely need more variety in life. But what variety? Tom says he’ll never get bored when he retires because he has all kinds of projects he’s looking forward to doing. Well, I have all kinds of things I could do as well but they’re still along the similar lines of the same old things. My idea of a refreshing breath of fresh air to add variety that may perk me up isn’t something I can just act on at will. I can’t magically transplant myself even for just 15 minutes or so on the beaches of Maui, long enough to get some sunshine and take a dip in the ocean. I couldn’t just up and explore ancient ruins in some other country for a few hours either. I can’t go explore outer space. Hell, right now I can’t even muster up enough energy to go for a walk. I want to go out walking but just don’t have the energy even though I slept well.

It likely is low thyroid bogging me down, but until I can tolerate the medication regularly, there’s nothing I can do about it. I would still rather be tired than anxious. Dixie said she actually has more energy when she skips doses, but I can’t trust what someone half out of her mind says. LOL

Later…

Made myself hit the treadmill for 12 minutes and then another 10 or so outdoors. The planes have been quieter today, but the landscaping frenzy is quite annoying.

I picked up the mail on the way in and now I’m going to do whatever. First, how the hell did speech-to-text come up with “farting” for “bogging???” LOL, good thing I caught that because as I’ve learned, I’m pretty much on my own to catch my own typos since no one seems to want to point them out to me.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 2020 Decided I just didn’t like those elastic shoelaces very much, so I took them off my running shoes and relaced them with their original laces. These are the two pairs I have right now, one in pale pink, and the other in neon yellow with hot pink accents.

The morning is full of cold air and lots of planes, but hey, what else is new? As long as I feel better today, and so far, so good. I ended up having more dizziness yesterday and major fatigue for about an hour. I still have no idea what causes the random bouts of fatigue, but I still don’t feel like I have a cold either. Tom brought up the possibility of a sugar spike, but from what? I’m not diabetic and it had been a while since I had any sugar. What sugar I did have (Ghirardelli hot chocolate) was later on.

Either way, I will be going to see Dixie in a few hours. Tom will be working OT through the rest of the month, and soon he should find out more about what’s going on with the new owners. I’m really starting to think that he’ll be there until he retires. He may work part-time after we move, but I think this is going to be it for this state and that we’re pretty much not guaranteed to move until 2024. As I’ve always known and believed, nothing up there is going to be kind enough to make it that easy for us to get out of what’s been the noisiest place we’ve ever lived in. The only difference between him and I is that he’s not home or is asleep during the worst of it and he is very hard of hearing. I know most places are noisy these days, but still. There’s got to be some places left that are quieter than this that aren’t in a cold climate. I’ve got the air cleaner turned up high in the room I’m sitting in and I can still hear the rumble of jets overhead.

I may have gotten too old to lose weight (without damn near starving), but one is never too old to eat healthily, and so I made a point of having a rather large but healthy breakfast to get me going through most of the day. Okay, so the chuck steak may have been high in cholesterol, but that, including the avocado and steamed broccoli I had, wasn’t processed. I cooked it all from scratch and added nothing but zero-calorie butter spray to the veggies and a touch of salt-free Mrs. Dash to the steak dipped in a tiny dollop of A1 sauce.

For lunch, I’ll have some blueberries and OJ, and dinner will be my only processed item of a Chinese noodle and veggie bowl. I’ve got green and red grapes for snacking in between.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 2020 Tipi, from the Heart for Hearts Collection, was ordered yesterday and will be here on the 13th.

Started off my day yesterday with major fatigue but eventually perked up enough to go to the store and even for a walk afterward.

I’m still having some dizziness upon lying down and standing up, so there’s something going on with my inner ear. I am absolutely not going to the doctor until I’m scheduled to, so it better work itself out. Tom thinks I just have a little cold and I hope he’s right. I don’t think I have an infection. I’ve only had one infection since the '90s that I know of.

Sure enough, the two glasses of wine I had yesterday messed up my sleep, although my sleep seems to be cursed most of the time no matter what. I woke up for a while in the middle of my sleep and had a hard time getting back asleep. I was too tired to get up, though. So I kind of slept in shifts. I’m not as tired as I usually am when my sleep gets broken up, but I sure had fatigue earlier. It’s like going to Target this morning really sucked the juice out of me. I lay down for a few minutes when we got back and that seemed to re-energize me. I even did an exercise video.

When I first woke up it was after a very vivid dream about my parents being alive again. We went to a restaurant and my mother was her usual stand-offish self who didn’t participate much in the conversation.

I was telling Dad that I hoped Trump wouldn’t get re-elected and he said something about a Democrat named Cooper that people were pretty sure would be elected.

Then I said I was surprised no one tried to take out Trump and he said that was because of the way they increased security after Reagan was shot. Only he gave a name that didn’t make sense in the dream.

Then on the way out of the restaurant which opened into a large gym-like room with hardwood floors, I realized I left my handbag on the table, so I ran back for it. When I first began running, however, my body never went anywhere. It’s like I was running in place. But I finally retrieved my handbag and pulled out a tube of red lipstick I would never wear. Dad then made some joke about accidentally reaching in my bag for it, getting it all over him and people laughing at him or some silly thing like that. But it made sense to me in the dream and I burst out laughing.

The dream left me wondering, though. It was just one of those dreams that gave me one of those feelings that’s hard to describe. If it does mean anything, I couldn’t begin to say what. That they still go on somehow? That Trump isn’t going to be re-elected? Was it a glimpse into another dimension? Something else?

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 2020 I guess you could say I’m quite a hypocrite today, LOL. I just got done telling a friend how much better it is to avoid processed foods. I’ve been having more fruits and veggies and less processed food. My weight has been down a bit and my blood pressure is better. But what did I do today at Rite Aid? Well, I couldn’t resist helping myself to some of the clearance items that aren’t exactly healthy. I got a mini Mrs. Fields chocolate and caramel gift basket with cookies, candy and hot chocolate. Dixie can have the mug that came with it.

I passed by her and Linda when getting the mail yesterday, but we didn’t realize it right away. I looked down the street and saw the vehicle stop in front of what I thought was either her place or Pat’s but couldn’t be sure from my vantage point. She emailed me saying she didn’t realize it was me till right after she passed me.

I’ve also been avoiding wine and gum, but got a couple of mini bottles today - Merlot and Rosé. Plus, a small bag of chips. So, not doing all that great today but at least I got a lot of healthy stuff from Sam’s. One of their roasted chickens, plus lots of fruits and veggies. Good to see the blueberries are back since I never really cared for Walmart’s.

Going to Target tomorrow and yes, I’ll be grabbing another packet of Godiva hot chocolate. I’m glad I can get singles and have one every now and then instead of a whole box. The stuff is awesome when made with milk instead of water.

I think I may be getting over a cold. Not sure exactly what my problem was but for a few days I’ve been having lots of dizziness and fatigue. I treated both ears again this morning and the dizziness seems to be subsiding. Going out always perks me up even though it’s rainy, foggy and downright dreary out there.

I should do another blog post but wanted to update this journal first because I have other things to do.

A couple of nights ago I slept shitty as if I was back in perimenopause. I dreamed that we were looking at rentals and ended up renting my childhood home. I set up the bed in one of the back bedrooms and said we would have to put an AC in the window during the summer because of the humidity.

Then I went into the master bedroom and saw there was one in one of those windows and a bed the previous people left only it wasn’t on the wall my parents had their bed but by the window where the AC was.

In another dream, I was walking down the street and passed this place where somebody I knew lived, though I’m not sure who. The door was open, so I walked in, but no one was home. I decided to lie down on the bed in their guest room and wait for the person to arrive. Unexpectedly, I fell asleep and then woke up a few hours later. I was totally exhausted.

I got up and went into the living room and realized there was a cassette playing of someone talking that I had made. I put it in the player before napping, not realizing it would start playing. I stopped it, glad the person didn’t come home to find it running, knowing how confused they would have been.

The dream ended with me trying to decide whether I should leave, try to stay awake, or lie back down again.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 2020 I’m trying to figure out whether or not I have swollen lymph nodes. My left one seems like it might be. Taking some ibuprofen for it helped. Every now and then I swear there’s some kind of lump on the left side of my neck right where it meets the chest that I can feel if I put my head down and toward the left. Well, I read up on lymph nodes and we also have some right above the collarbone which is in that area. Since they never tell me my thyroid is enlarged, I now wonder if that’s what it could be. It seems there are a number of things that can swell the lymph nodes.

I was still getting dizzy despite having treated my good ear 4 times. Tom looked in both ears and found that my bad ear needed to be oiled and maybe hit with some alcohol and peroxide which I had him mix up and throw in that ear. At first there was nothing and then it bubbled like crazy. That one treatment alone seems to have helped a lot, too.

I’ve been having some headrushes and ringing in that ear, and at first, we wondered if I might have a cold since so many people are sick now. I still think of sneezing, coughing and congestion when it comes to colds. But other than getting some chills every now and then and feeling rundown, I don’t think I have a cold or an infection of any kind.

Despite having Alexa playing brown noise on volume 4, I can still make out the rumble of the first of today’s planes. As I’ve asked myself a million times, why aren’t I used to this shit yet?

We went to Target yesterday for the first time in quite a while. Although more expensive, it’s a lot nicer than Walmart. The store was clean and uncrowded, and come to think of it, there was no blasting music either. Just a couple of stockers in the way. Maybe we should go there more often than Walmart. Instead of going there every Sunday, maybe we can go every other Sunday or something like that. Maybe he can go to Walmart when I can’t accompany him and then we can go to Target together.

Tom finally figured out how to get MorePro’s app to track whether or not he has sleep apnea or gets low on oxygen and things like that in his sleep, but the catch is that you can only track it between midnight and 7 a.m. He usually crashes well before midnight, so he can’t always get complete info, but he’s gotten enough to tell him he’s a good sleeper. No signs of heart conditions or anything. As soon as I’m crashing at midnight, I’ll wear my own MorePro and see what it comes up with for me.

Finished watching YOU on Netflix and have picked up where I left off with the new Criminal Minds on Hulu.

I’m currently reading I Know What You Did by N.L. Hinkins and it’s a good mystery/drama.

Based on the video a friend shared with me and the things we discussed, and that Tom and I discussed, I’m going to start a little experiment. I don’t “blog.” But I sure as hell am about to start. :-) It’s going to be a Q&A site of sorts on things people may look up info on, which means I have to be as correct as possible and do my research well. I’m going to turn my old Blogger blog into a place of questions, answers and various tidbits of information that I’ll research and format in a way that will hopefully be indexed by Google and rank high on the list. Google Analytics only tells me which countries visit but that’s enough to start with. Depending on how this pans out, and I realize it may take time and I have to be patient, I may create my own website later on down the road.

Tom thinks I should focus more on what I like to do and not what money it may bring. Well, I love keeping a journal (I wrote 335 days last year), and creative writing, just like he loves coding. I also wouldn’t mind experimenting and broadening my horizons. We both watched the video together and I’m going to base my posts on that general format.

I emailed Dixie to see how her wrist is doing and to get a sense as to whether or not she may be up for company tomorrow morning.

We took care of the pigs today and the rats are on for changing tomorrow. I do the rats every 10 days and the pigs every other day. The fish is every month.

Other than cleaning the kitchen today and getting a little more exercise, I’m definitely going to get back on with proofreading and editing my story. I want to get that submitted for publication as soon as I can.

First is posting this journal entry and then tackling my blog!

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 2020 Written yesterday, last year:

I’ve got quite a bit to update on but I’m really tired now so I may not post and share this entry until next year.

Tom and I were talking about how we hate crowds and aren’t people-people for the most part. I said to him, “You’re not racist and you’re not sexist, so do you consider yourself peoplist?” I mean, there should be such a word, I would think. LOL

The only thing that’s depressing about entering the '20s is that we’re now just two decades from death since I believe we’re going in the early '40s. When I think about having only 20 years left, give or take a few, it doesn’t seem like much. But then when I compare that amount of time by thinking back to the late 90s on up until now, it really is a long time. We’ve done so much and so much has happened in that time, both good and bad.

I have a short-term and a long-term goal for the next decade. The short-term one should happen in about a year and definitely appeals to us a lot more than Alcatraz and that’s returning to Hawaii. I’m already excited about it and we’ve already discussed some things we want to do. Some things we definitely want to do again and some things we don’t. While we certainly wouldn’t mind another submarine ride, it wouldn’t be as exciting the second time around. We definitely don’t want to attend another luau. That just wasn’t very impressive. But we absolutely LOVED snorkeling! So another catamaran sail is in order for sure. We don’t want to just be on the beach we want to be on the ocean and inside of it as well. Another thing we talked about doing that we have yet to experience is a helicopter ride, even though some tourists got killed recently.

My long-term goal is to go into business at some point this decade. I just don’t want to pay the many grand it would cost for medical transcription training with no guarantees in the end. We could use that money for other things. But then I got into a discussion with a guy as we were doing some work on his site troubleshooting links, and he may hire me as a content writer for his site. I was both surprised and flattered that he feels I’m more than qualified to do it and says it bugs him that Penzu ranks higher on the search list than his site. It all comes down to keywords. They outsource their articles and links, as he showed me. He also showed me a video on those that have websites that they mostly use with the idea in mind of getting as much traffic to it and making money that way. It’s sort of like AdSense. The key is writing all kinds of articles that people would search for. Even if you’re not an expert on a particular subject, you can investigate it enough to write an article in your own words.

He reminded me to be careful sharing links on his site that my family could find, and while they would be a definite concern if I did own any kind of online business, knowing that sooner or later they’re going to try to get my attention again, I realize that I have to move on and live my life. I can’t always worry about what this one may do or what that one may do. I have to live my life for me.

We talked about how we would need to expand our vocabulary since not everybody calls it a diary. Journal, which is French for daily, is what many refer to something that they write about their day-to-day lives in regularly. Then there are some that consider regular posts of almost any kind to be a blog. Everybody has their preferred terms. Like “African-American” vs. “black.” Or “native American” vs. “American Indian.”

He really is a cool guy. As I told him, I consider myself a feisty feminist who won’t hesitate to take care of herself when need be, so I would definitely and gladly feel safe walking through a dark alley with him in tow. I know he would totally mess up anyone who fucked with me!

All I know is that I hope to hell the next decade is better than the last because the 10s were easily the worst decade of my life. I’ve had all kinds of frustrating, depressing, stressful and infuriating moments in my life, but never before did I literally believe I was going to die like I did a few months after we got to Cali, then when the economy collapsed, and then when my meds blew up my heart. The closest I came before that was with the kick-ass asthma attacks I had back east as a smoker in the early 90s, and not having any liquids as well as food for a few days as a kid, thanks to my mother taunting me about my weight even though I was hardly “fat” as a kid.

Still have more to write about but I’m definitely out of energy. I didn’t sleep all that great or as long as I usually do last time around, so I’ve been tired all night. Going to spend the last few hours of my day with Netflix and an audiobook.

Written right after the new year and new decade begins:

Well, at least I got to listen to the fireworks with only just one plane mixed in. Yeah, those things go back and forth between being horrible and quiet. A couple of mornings ago there was a hell of a lot more than just 5 or 6 an hour, especially between 5:15 a.m. and 7:30 a.m. Sometimes I feel like the 4 years we have left here is more like a jail sentence than a waiting game, especially when it is noisy because of planes, traffic, landscaping or projects.

December’s royalties were pitiful compared to November. I barely made a little over a quarter of what I made in December. Hopefully, it was just a holiday thing. No new bashings on Amazon or Goodreads. I decided to use Goodreads to keep track of what I read.

Decided to get a few different kinds of salad dressing to give my salads some variety. The Raspberry Vinaigrette is surprisingly boring. Cucumber Dill is so-so. A little too much dill as opposed to cucumber. Caesar is excellent and I’ve always liked Ranch. Italian tends to be a little salty, so I didn’t get that, and I could make my own Russian if I wanted to with mayo and ketchup.

I’m breaking the house up into sections for dusting since it’s my least favorite chore. Rather than dust larger sections in fewer days, I’ll do smaller sections over the course of more days than usual.

Had a dream that Maliheh was driving us somewhere. She pulled over to the side of the road when she recognized some people she knew. They looked at us suspiciously and one of them asked if we were together. We held hands, pretending that we were, but I knew Maliheh wouldn’t do that unless she really did like me.

Ugh, no thanks. Forgiving is definitely off the table from here on out, and she’d be the last person I’d consider if I was looking anyway.

[shadyteacup]

Boundaries

Dazai Osamu x fem!Reader

Warnings: spoilers for the bsd ova(very slight mentions of Aya), fluff to angst.

Word count: 1120

Laughter could be heard coming from behind the door to your office. It was late in the evening, most of the ADA members had gone home. But you stayed back with a colleague, who had offered to help you with your backlog. He was more of a distraction, though. Not that you would ever point it out to him. You loved his company. Maybe you loved it a little too much.

“Kunikida-kun had practically adopted that child, had it not been for her to ask his hand in marriage.”, Dazai mused, making you snort and shake your head in surprise.

“She asked him to marry her? Why?”

Dazai grinned as he remembered what had happened, reciting it for you.

“Apparently, someone was into heroic men.”

You giggled, feeling bad for poor Kunikida.

“Do you know why he said no to her?”, Dazai asked, grasping onto your attention once more.

“Because she’s too young, of course!”

“Nope!”

You gasped, horrified at the thought of the blonde not minding the young girl's age.

“Well, she didn’t meet 31 of the 58 criteria he had set for his ideal spouse.”

“You have got to be kidding me! He said that?!”

“He did!”

You laughed on, weirded out by how Kunikida even considered the poor child as a potential partner, and horrified that she actually met 27 criteria.

Dazai watched you wrap your head around his partner’s actions with an intensity he never portrayed for others. Well, he did inspect everyone around him with fierce logic and sincerity, constantly assessing potential dangers, and guessing their next moves and motives, but he had never spent even a second to admire and appreciate someone's laugh. It was funny how he observed you, but never judged you. He judged almost everyone, every day. Nothing slipped by him. Yet, he never seemed to be able to judge you or guess your next moves. You always managed to leave him speechless with your unpredictability. It was a few of the things that drew him to you.

You were equally drawn to him, and he was aware of that. He had that effect on women, and you were no different. If you were any other woman, he would have led you on, had some fun, and then left. He hated commitment and often found himself bored after spending time with someone for a while longer than one night. It was all too easy, he thought. He could easily predict what was going on in his female companions' minds and hearts and could read their emotions like an open book. Everything became redundant and monotonous after a while, and he realized way too early on, that it was better to leave before it got that way. Because that way, he would leave with good memories, rather than memories of boredom and frustration. Leave when it was ripe, not when it starts to rot, he kept telling himself. But with you, as much as he wanted to, he couldn’t take a chance. He refused to get close to you even once because he didn’t want to leave you. He didn’t want to hurt you. So he ignored his feelings and pretended to be just a friend, to keep you safe. He had to push you away.

“Earth to Dazai .”

Dazai blinked at your words. You mentally applauded yourself for catching the Dazai Osamu spacing out. He was almost always on alert, he never let his walls down. This also alarmed you, though, as it could mean something was wrong.

“Ah, sorry about that!”, he grinned, already ready with a new funny incident to entertain you with.

“Is something wrong?”, you asked, worry all over your face.

“No, nothing's wrong, y/n kun! Anyways, do you know-“

“No, something is wrong, Dazai, you never space out. What is it?”, you pushed the subject further, hoping to help the brunet.

Dazai sighed. He knew you were a stubborn person who wouldn’t let go of the topic. He could sidestep your questions, but you were too smart and would see right through his act. He also knew you would push it further if he did so, and his constant denial would leave you hurt.

“I was just thinking, that is all.”

“Oh.”, you said, looking away.

Your people skills annoyed Dazai. Why couldn’t you just ignore his reactions and not be so smart? You now knew that something was wrong and that he didn’t trust you enough to tell you what it is.

“Can we pretend I didn’t space out, and go back to talking about how Kunikida-kun is the funniest human on this planet?”, Dazai pleaded, hoping to get you to give up on him.

When you nodded and said a quick, “Sure!”, he didn’t know how to feel. He wanted you to give up on him, but now that you had, it ate him up. You never gave up on him, always bombarding him with questions and not letting go until he found a way to give you a half-true answer, that satisfied you. He would then spend the next hour getting advice and multiple offers of help from you, each of which he would politely turn down. What he didn’t know, was that you saw through his half-lies every time, but insisted on helping him out anyway, hoping that some of it was true. At least that way, you could help him somehow.

Today, you hadn’t done any of that, but had given up on him, so easily. It left him speechless, once again.

“Dazai. I won’t ask again if you don’t want to tell me, but you’re spacing out again.”

Dazai merely frowned at your words. When did you start giving him space? You never respected his boundaries, and he liked that you cared enough to push past them.

“Look, I don’t know if you do therapy, but if you are ready to give it a try, I have a friend who’s a psychiatrist. Do you want her number?”

“Ah, no thank you. I’m good, y/n kun.”

You gave him a half-smile and looked at the time.

“Man, it’s so late. And I haven’t completed filling a single file.”, you said, sighing at the ominously large pile of papers on your desk.

“No thanks to you, idiot.”, you laughed as you pat Dazai’s head, before packing up your things.

“You going to take the train?”, you asked him once you were ready to leave, and he shook his head no, before waving you goodbye.

“You go on ahead, I have a few things to do.”, he said, hoping that you would offer to stay longer.

“Okay. See you tomorrow, Dazai.”

His heart shattered into a million pieces. He had succeeded in pushing you away.

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[seita]

— you love too easy | hitoshi shinsou (m.)

pairing: hitoshi shinsou/f!reader

genre: angst, fluff, smut

wordcount: 𝟾𝟹𝟾𝟶

cw: childhood friends!au, roommate!au

tags: unrequited love, pining, toxic relationship (oc x shinsou), brief kaminari x reader, cunnilignus, dirty talk, pet names, praise kink, fingering, size kink, loss of virginity, light virgin kink, creampie, squirting, angst with a happy ending

note: sorry if u like kaminari. i made him a huge douchebag in this. i swear i like him i just needed a character to be,,,,well, a douchebag.

— all your life you'd been by his side. you've loved him since you could remember. you've always been by his side so why did he give his heart away to everyone but you; the one who would treat it right?

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© all content belongs to seita 2020. do not modify or repost.  

He fell in love too easily. You knew that your entire life. He’d give his heart away to anyone and everyone, fully and with everything he had. He loved with every fiber of his being. And it always ended in disaster. 

You couldn’t count how many nights you’d spent by his side rubbing his back as he cried because his girlfriend lied to him, comforting him as he hunched over a toilet after crying himself sick because his girlfriend cheated on him, or forcing him to eat because he got so depressed after she ignored him. 

It was an endless cycle. 

Yet you were always there to build him back up -- to pick up the pieces. 

Ever since the first girlfriend he had in Kindergarten that lasted for 2 days and ended in his tears up to the girl he dated in senior year of highschool who cheated on him with her ex...you were the one to fix him. 

Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love far too easily and way too hard.

The thought that kept you awake every night, however, was why couldn’t it be you? You were the one who took the best care of his heart -- being the one to piece it back together every time it was broken. He didn’t need to love anyone else. If he just loved you, he would never have to worry if he just gave his heart to you. 

But he never would. 

Because he didn’t love you like you loved him. 

You’d known him since you were babies -- your parents were friends in highschool and it went on well into adulthood. 

Naturally, the two of you grew close -- it was inevitable. Your crush on him developed in childhood -- you two got lost in the mall after you strayed away and he kept you safe and calm until you found your parents, his hand clasped tightly around yours as he let you cling to him. That was the first time you realized he made your cheeks feel warm and your tummy fluttery.

Your parents always joked that the two of you would fall in love and get married. It was nearly impossible for that idea not to be imprinted in your mind. 

Except, it was never an idea he entertained. 

Part of you felt foolish. You were a grown adult with a crush that you’d harbored since childhood -- pathetic, one-sided crush at that. 

The thing was, unlike Shinsou, you’d never dated before. It was never something you desired. Sure, you had confessions and love letters but you’d never once accepted them. You just couldn’t see yourself being with anyone but him.

Upon graduating, the two of you realized how terrible it was to be 18 trying to make it in the adult world. After a few years of fumbling and nearly getting kicked out by not making your rent payments on time, you decided that rooming together would be the best idea. 

It was a foolproof plan; you’d known each other for your whole lives so it wasn’t like you’d suddenly hate each other, you knew he was responsible with his money and you were too, and he was a quiet, chill guy so there wouldn’t be any obnoxious ruckus. 

What you didn’t think about, however, was him bringing girls home. 

“This is Aoi,” he introduced, motioning to the smiling girl beside him, “Aoi, this is _____...she’s my best friend.”

“And his roommate,” you added, holding your hand out politely.

“Oh you...live together?” you didn’t miss the distaste in her tone as she reached out to give you a weak handshake, pulling away as quickly as she could. She immediately wrapped her arms around his and he leaned how to press a kiss to the top of her head. 

Ouch. That made your heart hurt. 

Of course, it was nothing new. This was something you’d been through time and time again. 

What you hadn’t accounted for, was her dislike of you. Naturally, his past girlfriends hadn’t always been fond of you -- after all, you were a big part of their boyfriend’s life. And jealousy was a fickle disease. 

But Aoi’s dislike bordered on hatred and disgust over you. Every chance she got, she was pulling Shinsou away from you with some thinly veiled excuse. It seemed your best friend was none the wiser as well. 

You couldn’t blame him -- he was in love. Unfortunately. 

Aoi’s glares were ice cold, often sending shivers down your spine when she set it upon you. It was uncomfortable to say the least. She was at your place often enough for you to take up the art of avoiding her.

That is until one day when things seemed to come to a head for her. You weren’t sure what  you did but you found yourself cornered in the kitchen one evening while Shinsou was taking a shower -- leaving just the two of you alone. 

“Listen to me,” Aoi spat, arms crossed over her chest, making her look petulant, “You need to back off of Toshi.”

“Uhh...what?” you grunted, looking up from the glass of chocolate milk you were pouring.

“Stay away from him!” she spat.

“We literally live together,” you rolled your eyes, capping the pint of milk, “I can’t stay away from him.”

“You know what I mean,” she hissed, clearly pissed off by your sarcasm. She marched up to you, grabbing your upper arm in a vice grip, her acrylic nails pinching your skin, “I see the way you look at him. I know that look in your eye. You love him.”

Your mind blanked, mouth opening but failing to produce any words. She smirked smugly, stepping back and crossing her arms again.

“I…” your brows came together as you shook your head, finally putting the milk away.

“I knew it,” she huffed, “You can’t take him from me. Toshi is mine so you better remember that. You have no idea what I can do to you.”

With that parting threat, she stormed out of the kitchen back to Shinsou’s bedroom. You felt tears sting your eyes, feeling utterly humiliated by her. 

Another thing about Hitoshi Shinsou is he’s terribly dense sometimes. You had no idea how he managed to miss the horrifying tension between you and Aoi. But he somehow did. 

The three of you sat in the living room -- the two of them cuddled on the couch while you curled up under a throw blanket with your phone open to Twitter on the loveseat. They were watching some movie Aoi picked out that you knew Shinsou hated, but he watched it anyway. The thought made you bitter.

You’d never make him watch movies he hated. That’s just selfish. 

You let out a sigh, catching your best friend’s attention immediately.

“What is it, darlin’?” he asked, the usual pet name he used for you making your stomach flutter. Aoi’s eyes narrowed in distaste at it but he paid her no mind.

“Oh, I’ve just got a bit of a headache,” you mumbled, locking your phone to look over at him.

He frowned, concerned, pulling his arm from around his girlfriend’s shoulders. She whined at the loss, attempting to pull him back but he paid her no mind.

He disappeared from the living room to the kitchen. You could hear the refrigerator open before he began shuffling around the cabinets.

“You’re not slick,” Aoi hissed, keeping her voice low, “Why don’t you just go away. Don’t you think he’d prefer to be alone with his girlfriend? You’re just a third wheel.”

You didn’t get to reply before Shinsou returned, holding a glass of your chocolate milk and a couple pills. He smiled, handing everything to you before taking a seat with Aoi again. She immediately clung to him with a whine.

“Thank you Toshi,” you smiled, popping the pills in your mouth before taking a quick gulp of the milk. 

“Anytime, darlin’” he smiled, turning his attention back to the movie he hated. 

Part of you felt prideful that he was willing to pull himself away from his girlfriend to take care of you. She clearly saw you as competition and you couldn’t deny the giddy feeling it gave you when you proved to her that you meant something to Shinsou. 

You noticed very quickly when Shinsou stopped calling you by his nickname. It baffled you and you didn’t hesitate to bring it up to him.

“Ah, Aoi mentioned she doesn’t like it when I call other girls pet names,” he rubbed the back of his neck in that familiarly anxious way of him. He was avoiding your gaze, further ticking you off.

“I’m not other girls, Hitoshi,” he visibly cringed at hearing his full name, “I’m your best friend. You’ve always called me that.”

He sighed, biting his lip, clearly torn, “Sorry _____,” you frowned at the sound of your name. It seemed so foreign hearing it where he’d usually call you ‘darlin’’, “She is my girlfriend and it’d be shitty of me to neglect her wishes. I want this to work, you know?”

You rolled your eyes, arms crossing over your chest, “This is stupid Hitoshi.”

He sighed, clearly growing annoyed as well, “Look, you’re just my friend, alright? So back off.”

Your jaw fell open at those words, tears already starting to sting at your eyes, “Just your friend? That’s low, Hitoshi. I am not just your friend and you know it.”

He groaned, running a hand through his already messy hair, “You’re starting to sound jealous and clingy, _____. It’s not a good look.”

Feeling that the tears were going to spill any moment, you shook your head and stormed past him, “Screw you Shinsou.”

You slammed your bedroom door, missing the sight of him burying his face in his hands. Hearing you address him by his last name was even worse than hearing his first. 

Things remained tense between the two of you for a week. You had really been hurt by his words. You always thought you meant a lot to him -- that you’d never be the person who was pushed aside for a relationship. You never thought Shinsou would do that. 

As a result, you made no effort to even speak to him. Sometimes you’d pass him while he sat on the couch, Aoi snuggled up to him. Whenever you made eye contact with you, she held this smug, superior look that made you want to clock her. 

You’d never hated a girlfriend of his more.

Finally, Shinsou gave in. He couldn’t stand not having you to talk to. There was this heavy feeling lingering on his shoulders every time he thought about the cold way you called him by his last name. He never wanted to be addressed like that by you. 

There were a series of knocks on your door and you paused, debating on ignoring him. He knocked again when you took too long to answer.

“Come in,” you groaned, putting your laptop aside to give him your attention.

“Hey,” he smiled half-heartedly as he slipped into your room, closing the door behind him. 

“What do you want?” you asked, no bite in your voice.

He sighed, taking a seat beside you on the bed, “I want to apologize for what I said. I know that hurt your feelings so I’m sorry.”

You were quiet for a moment before you sat up straighter, “Hitoshi...I don’t want you to become a different person because of a girl.”

“What do you mean?” he frowned. 

You sighed, “I think she’s a bad influence on you, Toshi.”

He softened briefly at your use of his nickname but it was quickly replaced by a cold stare that sent shivers down your spine, “A-A bad influence? I’m not a kid, _____.”

You frowned, “You don’t have to be a kid to be negatively influenced by another person's toxicity, Hitoshi.”

“You think she’s toxic?” he scoffed, standing up, “You don’t even know her. You’ve barely even spoken to her.”

“Well the bit that I have spoken to her was not pleasant,” you spat, moving to sit at the edge of the bed with your feet on the floor, “I don’t think she’s good for you.”

“What are you, my mother now?” he growled, spinning around to glare at you, “Maybe I was wrong...maybe you are just jealous.”

“How am I acting jealous?” you cried, growing frustrated, “Caring about your wellbeing is jealousy now?”

“Oh get off it,” he groaned, “What’s she done then, huh? Tell me.”

You paused, remembering her threat. But you were so pissed off you couldn’t keep it in anymore, “She’s threatened me to stay away from you. She’s so insecure about our friendship she threatened me over it! Said you were hers and I better remember that. She’s crazy!”

“She didn’t say that,” he argued, eyes narrowed maliciously, “You’re just making shit up to make her look bad now. That’s really low, _____.”

“You asked me to tell you what she did and then you just don’t believe me?!” you screeched, tossing your hands up in exasperation.

“I thought you’d tell me the truth, not make up some pathetic lie!” he shouted, making you flinch. 

“Pathetic?” you breathed, shoulders sagging, “Is that what you think of me?”

He was quiet for a moment, jaw set. He seemed to be thinking his words carefully, which made his next even more painful, “Yeah. I do. This jealousy and lying of yours is pathetic. I get if you don’t like her but don’t make up shit about her,” he made way for the door, yanking it open, “Grow the fuck up, ______.”

You didn’t get a chance to reply before he was slamming your door shut. All at once, your emotions came crashing down and you buried your face in your pillow to silence your sobs. 

Your eyes fluttered open and you groaned, feeling your head pound. A glance out the window showed that it was nighttime. You had fallen asleep. 

You climbed out of bed to your desk to find your packet of headache pills. You let out a sigh of relief as you swallowed them down with the bottle of water sat on your nightstand. Flopping back into bed, you closed your eyes and attempted to relax your body. 

Just as it seemed that you were going to fall back asleep, there was a loud noise from past your door. You frowned, your eyes fluttering open in confusion. 

It came again and it took you a moment to realize what it was. A woman’s moan. 

“Toshi!” you heard her squeal, making you flinch.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” you hissed, feeling those tears come burning their way back. 

“That feel good, baby? Let me hear you,” he growled and your hands flew up to cover your ears to muffle the sounds of her pleasure. 

This was low for Shinsou. Sure, he’d had sex with girlfriends before but he always made sure to keep it down for your sake. Now he was just doing it to dig at you. 

He wasn’t wrong about your jealousy but you knew he thought you were jealous over his attention being taken away. But that wasn’t the case at all. It was because you were in love with him. 

Now he was forcing you to listen to him fuck the girlfriend you literally had a fight over. This wasn’t like Shinsou at all. 

She really was just a terrible influence on him but he was too in love to see it. She was making him into a different person and you hated it. It was happening so quickly. 

As you laid in bed, tears wetting your bed as you hid your head under your pillow, you couldn’t help but think.

The stupid fool really fell in love way too easily. 

Things went from bad to worse astonishingly fast. Aoi was over more often than she had been before. The snotty comments and humiliating words from her every time you saw her and the cold, deadly glare Shinsou set on you whenever you came anywhere near his girlfriend was wearing on you. 

You were unhappy. It was an emotion you rarely ever felt around him -- Shinsou was always the one to pick you up, not put you down. It got to the point where he wouldn’t even respond to your greetings or questions, giving you the complete silent treatment. 

It hurt. 

To escape the suffocating negativity of your apartment, you picked up even more shifts at work. The video game shop became a place you found solace in. 

If Shinsou noticed your absence, he didn’t make it known to you. 

“Will that be all for you today?” you asked, plastering on a fake, customer service smile onto your face.

“Yeah, I guess,” he mumbled, slapping down a few bills to cover the charge, “But I think I’d like to add your number to my receipt.”

You took a moment to look at him. He had blonde hair with a lightning bolt of black through it. He was dressed in black jeans, a t-shirt, and a leather jacket. He was cute, you’d give him that.

“Is that the best you could come up with?” you asked, opening the register with a brow raised.

He giggled, making you smile despite yourself, “I was on a time crunch I didn’t want to miss my chance.”

“Who said you had a chance to begin with?” you asked, passing him his change, “3.14 is your change.”

“Well, I was hoping you’d give one to me,” he shrugged, stuffing the change into  his pocket before grabbing the bagged video game he’d purchased. 

You gazed at him for a moment. He was charismatic and cute. He liked video games just like you. And he’d be a great distraction.

“Sure, why not?” you mused, watching his eyes go wide.

“Wait really?” he gasped, a grin stretching across his face.

“Did you think I’d say no?” you asked. 

“U-Usually I get rejected so…” he shrugged, scratching the back of his head with a cute blush reaching his ears, “Anyway, when’s your shift end?”

“Um...closing time, so about 8:30,” you replied, glancing at the clock. 5 hours left. 

“Sweet, I’ll pick you up!” he grinned.

“I-I’ll have to change though!” you complained, making him pause and shake his head.

“Don’t worry about it!” with those parting words, he bolted out the door, the bell chiming to signal his departure. 

As he disappeared from view, you realized you didn’t even know his name. 

You would come to find he was Denki Kaminari; a college student majoring in graphic design. He had a friend named Katsuki Bakugou who was as loud as he was angry. Eijirou Kirishima was a kind, chill guy who mellowed out the explosive Bakugou well. Mina and Sato, two friends-turned-lovers, were a common source of laughter for the group. 

You were together for a little over a month and a half when he finally asked to meet your friends. Truth be told, the only person you could consider a friend would be Shinsou. You had acquaintances and those you hung real casually with but Shinsou was the only person you’d consider a friend.

Well, you weren’t sure if he could even be called that anymore. 

Eventually, you gave in and decided to bring Kaminari to your apartment. 

“Whoa, nice place,” he mumbled, looking around. 

“You think so? Thanks,” you smiled, leading him towards the living room, “Like I said...things are...tense between me and Hitoshi so…”

“Who’re you?” a familiar voice came from the entry of the hallway. 

Shinsou stood there, messy hair and tired eyed wearing basketball shorts and an oversized t-shirt. His eyes burned holes into Kaminari, who visibly shrunk beneath the heated glare. You took note of how Shinsou didn’t even look at you. 

That still hurt.

“I’m Denki Kaminari,” the blonde replied, approaching Shinsou to shake his hand, “I’m _____’s boyfriend!”

You didn’t miss the shift in Shinsou’s look, his eyebrows perking up ever so slightly. His gaze finally shifted to you before he scoffed from his nose, making you wince. 

“Alright,” Shinsou mumbled, shoving his hands into his pockets before turning his back to the both of you, stalking back to his room with a slam of the door. 

Kaminari winced, “Boy, you weren’t kidding.”

“Yeah,” you sighed, motioning him to follow you, “Let’s head to my room. I don’t know if Aoi is here or not and I don’t care to find out.”

“I kinda wanna meet her too,” your boyfriend whispered, lowering his voice so it didn’t carry to Shinsou.

“No you don’t,” you chuckled, shutting your bedroom door once the two of you were safely inside. 

You sat beside him on the bed, reaching for your remote to click the TV on for background noise. He cuddled in beside you, commenting on how soft your bed was. 

“You smell really good,” he suddenly whispered, nosing at your neck. 

You blinked in surprise, moving your head so he could get a better angle, “Th-Thanks…”

He hummed as you shivered once he pressed a few soft kisses against your neck. It tickled a bit but also sent a strange tingle down your spine the more he kissed. Your heart hammered in your chest and you briefly wondered if Denki could hear it. 

He cupped your jaw, pulling you into a deep kiss. His tongue met your bottom lip, making you sigh against his lips. 

You barely noticed his hand crawling up your shirt until it snuck beneath the band of your bra. The unfamiliar feeling of someone cupping your breast had you pulled away, tugging on Kaminari’s hand to pull him away. 

“W-We shouldn’t…” you whispered, unsure of how to reject him, “W-With Shinsou the way he is…”

Kaminari looked skeptical for a second before nodding his head, “Got it.”

And that was that. 

At least you thought until he began trying more and more. It became common for you to find his hand up your shirt. The feeling made you uneasy, making you realize you really weren’t ready to have sex. Kaminari was your first boyfriend and you weren’t willing to give everything up to him like that.

“Why do you always stop me?” Kaminari asked one day, voice soft and reassuring.

“I just…” you cleared your throat, biting your lip, “I don’t want to go that far yet.”

He was quiet for a moment before smiling and nodding his head, pulling you closer to him with a kiss to your forehead. Your body relaxed, thankful that he wasn’t angry with you like you had feared he would be. 

He began following your wishes, no longer attempting to go past kissing. You were thankful. 

Unfortunately, your bliss didn’t last long because next thing you knew, he was dumping you. Over text. 

You had just got home from work, your feet aching and dread pooling in your stomach at the idea of being home. You were so tired of being scared to come home, it was exhausting. Shinsou was sitting on the couch, eating something he’d made himself for dinner with his back to you. He didn’t even show any signs that he knew you were home. 

Lingering by the door, you pulled your phone out to check your notifications. 

One from Denki made your heart stop -- the preview text already displaying what you feared. Your fingers were trembling as you unlocked your phone to look at the message. 

As you read it, the words grew blurrier until tears began to drip onto your screen -- further obscuring the words there. 

A small whimper escaped your throat, despite the way you tried to choke down any sounds. You quickly scurried to get to your bedroom when a strong hand snagged your wrist. Wide eyed, you were spun around to find Shinsou wearing a frown and furrowed brows. 

“Why are you crying?” he asked, voice stern with concern. 

You shook your head, feeling pathetic. You didn’t like Kaminari that much. Truthfully, you were mostly dating him to get away from Shinsou. But the idea that you were dumped because you wouldn’t have sex was utterly humiliating. Your first real boyfriend dumped you because you wouldn’t put out. 

“You were right,” you sniffled, unable to hold back the sob that tore through your chest, “I am pathetic.”

He didn’t have the chance to even think of a reply before you were escaping his hold to hide away in your bedroom. You haphazardly stripped and changed into your softest set of clothes, deciding you were going to wallow in your own self pity for the night. 

Your humiliation overshadowed the fact Shinsou had shown you the first sign of care in weeks. He had reacted to your crying just as he always had and instinctively moved to comfort you. 

You could hear muffled voices from the hallway, one male and one female. The fact he brought her over after you just had a near meltdown in front of him irked you and only brought more tears forth. 

A sense of anger rushed over you -- you didn’t want her there. This was your house and you didn’t want her there while you were going through it. You had half a mind to go out there and kick her out, maybe Shinsou would let it slide since you were clearly having a tough time. 

What you didn’t expect were the shouts coming from them. You frowned and walked towards your door, cracking it open to listen to their shouting from the living room.

“You’re kicking me out?!” Aoi cried. 

“I’m not kicking you out,” Shinsou sighed, “You don’t live here. I’m just asking you to go home for the night, Aoi.”

“Why should I?” Aoi argued, “Because she’s upset? Who cares!”

“I care!” Shinsou snapped.

Aoi scoffed, “Oh yeah, since when? Last I checked you picked me over her!”

“I didn’t pick anyone over anyone,” Shinsou huffed.

“Really?” Aoi’s tone was dripping in sarcasm, “You haven’t paid her a second of attention since your little fight. I doubt you even noticed how she’s been working full-time instead of part-time. Why do you think that is? To get away from you! Not that I give a shit, but you have been treating her like dirt. So don’t even try and pretend you give a shit, I know you don’t. You only feel bad because she’s crying. Once she gets over it you’ll just come back to me in the end. So just let her sulk by herself, she’s a big girl.”

Shinsou was quiet after that. You were sure he wasn’t even going to respond but you continued to stand there and listen. The apartment was silent, you could even hear the ticking of the decorative clock Shinsou’s mother had given you both. 

“She was right, huh?” he finally whispered.

“Huh?” Aoi replied, clearly annoyed.

“I really did let you turn me into someone else,” he sighed, “God, I’m so stupid.”

“What the hell are you talking about, Hitoshi?” she snapped, growing impatient over the argument. 

“You should leave,” Shinsou said, voice strong once again, “You and I are done.”

“What?!” Aoi shrieked, stomping her foot, “You can’t dump me! Not for her!”

“Get out, Aoi,” Shinsou growled, yanking the front door open.

She scoffed, “Don’t come crawling back to me when you learn she isn’t worth it.”

The slam of the door signalled the end. Silence ensued and you slipped back into your room, letting your door shut silently. 

Just as you expected, there were a few soft knocks on your door. You didn’t reply but he opened up anyway, peeking in to find you sitting on the bed with your head hung.

“I assume you heard all that,” he said, cupping the back of his neck nervously. 

“Yeah, kind of hard to miss,” you mumbled, feeling awkward about sharing this moment with him.

You didn’t look up when he sat down beside you. With a sudden tug, you found yourself wrapped up in a sweet embrace. 

“Why were you crying? Did something happen with that Kaminari dude? Did he hurt you?” his concern brought forth a new flood of tears that you let go. 

“He dumped me,” you whined, clinging to the front of his shirt.

“Why?” he asked, petting your hair softly.

You scoffed, shame building up inside you, “Because I didn’t want to have sex with him.”

Immediately he pushed you back by your shoulders to look at your face, “He dumped you ‘cause you wouldn’t fuck him?”

“Yeah,” you mumbled, avoiding his gaze, “He said he had needs and he wasn’t willing to wait for me to put out.”

“Jesus,” Shinsou scoffed, shaking his head, “What a prick,” he pulled you into his chest again with a sigh, “It’s good you didn’t sleep with him then. He wouldn’t have been worth it.”

“Yeah, I would have regretted it,” you nodded, “I’m not even sad he broke up with me. I just feel like shit that it was over sex. He was my first boyfriend and I got dumped because I wasn’t ready...that sort of feels shitty, you know?”

Shinsou nodded, resting his cheek atop your head, “I understand. It’s like a blow to your self-esteem, yeah?”

“Exactly,” you sniffled, your tears finally coming to a stop as he held you and let you talk, “I didn’t like him enough to sleep with him anyway. Even if I was ready.”

Shinsou chuckled, “Well, I’m glad you’re not heartbroken over it.”

You were quiet for a long moment before you pulled away from him, “How are you? I know you liked Aoi.”

Shinsou frowned, looking at his hands in his lap before shrugging, “I actually don’t really feel anything.”

“Really?” you asked, surprised. Usually he would be in tears by now. But he was right, there wasn’t even an ounce of sadness in his eyes.

He nodded, “All I really cared about was you. I guess realizing what she really was wiped out anything I felt for her. Truthfully, it was probably going to be over soon anyway.”

“Why do you say that?” you asked.

“We just didn’t have good chemistry, I suppose. The sex was great but beyond that we didn’t really share any common interests,” he explained, leaning back on his hands with a sigh.

You cringed at the mention of sex -- remembering the night you sobbed as you were forced to listen to them go at it. Shinsou seemed to notice your discomfort, leaning up straight once more to take your hands in his. 

“I’m sorry, ______,” he breathed, making you look up at him, “I was such a fuckin’ asshole to you. You didn’t deserve that and if you chose to never forgive me I would understand. But I promise I will never let a girl come first again. You’re my best friend, you’re the entire world to me and you will always be here when all the girls leave, I know that. No one can ever replace you.”

His words caused a flood of tears to flood down your cheeks again. You threw your arms around his shoulders, tugging him into a desperate hug. He wrapped his arms around your waist, fisting the back of your shirt with his face buried in your neck. 

“I will always be here, Toshi,” you hiccuped, “I really will. It doesn’t matter if you choose the next 50 girls over me, I would never let you go. I would rather live with you ignoring me and making me cry over not having you at all.”

He sighed, tears of his own falling from his eyes and wetting your skin but you didn’t mind, “I would never ask that of you.”

“You don’t have to,” you whispered, voice trembling. You couldn’t stop the next words from coming, you didn’t even try, “That’s how strong my love is for you, Toshi. I would do anything for your happiness. I’ll let you cry on my shoulder when girl after girl breaks your heart, even though it hurts so damn much because I know I would never, ever let you down like that. I’ll sit with you in the living room while another girl is wrapped in your arms, desperately wishing it was me, because you want me and her to be friends. You don’t even know it but you have every bit of me,” your voice broke as you let out a sob, taking a stuttering breath before continuing, “I never dated because I only ever loved you. You’re the only one I ever want to love. I don’t even care if you don’t feel the same, Toshi, I just needed you to know...I have loved you since we were kids. Whenever your mom joked that we would get married, I used to go to sleep hoping it would come true one day. You’re it for me, you know?”

Shinsou was still, every muscle in his body tense against you. You remained relaxed, relishing in being held in his arms even though it very well may be the last time you would ever experience it. His tears had stopped and you could feel his hands trembling against your back from where he was still holding your shirt in tight fists. 

Finally, slowly, he pulled away. You avoided his gaze, scared of what you may find there. With trembling fingers, he lifted your chin until you were finally forced to meet his gaze.

“______…” he whispered, your voice like honey on his lips, “Is that true? Since we were kids?”

You chuckled through your still falling tears, “Remember that time at the summer festival when I wandered off and you had to chase me? And I got scared because I couldn’t find our parents? When you let me hold onto you and you kept reassuring me that everything was okay…” you shrugged, your voice cracking as you uttered, “I knew I loved you then. And I love you to this day.”

His wide eyes were glassy as he stared at you, mouth agape in his shock. It was so much for him to take in. 

Before you knew what was happening, he was leaning in and pressing his lips against yours. Your vision went white for a second in shock at the feeling. 

His lips were soft and as you began to kiss back, you tasted coffee on his lips. Typical of Shinsou, it was late at night and he was still drinking coffee. The thought made you smile and you wrapped your arms around his neck to deepen the kiss. He cupped the back of your head, a soft sigh escaping him as he moved his lips expertly until you were breathless.

After a long moment, he pulled away. The both of you were panting, eyes lidded as you processed what just happened.

“Toshi…” you whispered, feeling euphoric after kissing him, “I don’t understand.”

He shook his head, cupping your cheek, “All you need to know...is that I love you too.”

You gaped at those words coming from his lips. Surging forward, you pressed your lips against his again. He smiled into the kiss, leaning further against you until you were forced to lay back against the mattress. His body was hovering above yours, held up by his elbows on either side of your head.

He wasted no time in touching your body, years of desperation finally culminating into this one moment. His hand slid beneath your shirt, pushing the hem up to expose the soft skin of your belly.  He paused at your ribs, unsure if you were okay with him going any further. But when you gripped his wrist and urged his hand up to cup your breast, he threw away those inhibitions. 

Thumbing your sensitive nipple, you keened as they hardened beneath his touch. He leaned down a bit more to press his lips against yours. 

You lost yourself against his lips, whimpering and grinding against nothing. Just the fact the man you’d loved for so long was there touching you after years of craving it had your panties soaked. 

“You’re so pretty,” he whispered, breaking from the kiss to kiss down your body. 

You trembled beneath him, watching him with rapt attention as he kissed the exposed skin of your stomach and ribs. Sighing, you let him push your shirt over your head to discard off the side of the bed. He leaned forward, enveloping one of the pert buds in his hot mouth, tonguing at it until you were whining and begging him to give attention to the other one. He did so eagerly, providing a stimulating suck before finally pulling away. His lips were swollen and his cheeks were flushed, the very fact you made him that way was dizzying. 

“Wanna taste that perfect cunt too, baby,” he growled, voice losing the soft, sweetness it once held. 

“O-Okay,” you agreed easily, raising your hips so he could tug the last remaining articles off of your body. 

The second you were bare, his hands were pinning your thighs open. His eyes examined every inch of your pussy -- taking in the juices dripping from your clenching hole. 

“You’re so fucking wet,” he groaned, using his thumbs to spread your folds apart, “so pretty too, god. Look at you...you’re perfect. Bet you’re so sweet…”

“Please Toshi…” you whimper, reaching down to tangle your fingers into his hair.

His eyes fluttered at the feeling, allowing you to pull him to your pussy where he eagerly ran his tongue flat between your spread folds. You gasped, eyes slamming shut as he paused to wrap his lips around your clit for just a split second. The teasing touch was addictive and you suddenly wanted more. 

Shinsou understood what it is you wanted and quickly dove back in for more. Circling his tongue around your clit, your back arched. You wanted to close your thighs against the stimulation but his strong hands kept your legs pinned open. 

He swirled his tongue quickly, moaning before enveloping the bud in his hot mouth. You tugged his hair, crying out his name as you felt a high approaching rapidly. He looked so good between your thighs, eating your cunt like you’d dreamed of for ages. 

Suddenly, he pulled away, licking his lips before sitting up.

“Fuck, tell me babygirl,” he breathed, “You gonna let me fuck this pretty cunt?” you nodded, reaching to push his shit up but he stopped you, looking you in the eyes, “Use your words. Tell me.”

“Yes, please fuck me Shinsou!” you begged.

He grinned, pressing a kiss against your lips before stripping himself of his clothes. 

You almost gasped at the sight of his cock. He was big; long and thick. Subconsciously, you clenched your thighs together in anticipation. 

“You ready?” he asked, scooting to sit between your spread legs. 

You tensed up as he prodded your entrance with the fat head of his cock. He realized how tense you were and ran his hand along your thigh to soothe you, “You good? You can back out anytime, darlin’.”

You swallowed thickly, feeling your cheeks heat up as you looked at him through your lashes, “I-It’s just...go slow?”

He frowned, brows drawn together before he backed away from you a bit, “Is this your first time, sweetheart?”

Licking your lips, you hesitated before nodding. Shinsou sighed, hanging his head to rest against your collarbone. You frowned, “I-Is that bad?” you asked. 

Truth was, you never wanted anyone but him. You never had a desire to have sex with anyone but him. You knew he was the one person you’d never regret being with. 

“No!” he sat up, eyes wide before wrapping his hand around the nape of his neck nervously, “I just wish you would have told me sooner...that was almost bad.”

“Why?” you asked,making him chuckle. He shook his head and pressed a kiss to your forehead.

“Well…” clearing his throat, he looked off to the side bashfully, “My dick’s not exactly the smallest around and since you’re a virgin you could do with...a lot more preparation, you know?”

Your cheeks were ablaze from the bluntness of his words. He didn’t waste another second in bringing his hand to your still wet pussy. 

He sighed, a smile lingering on his lips as he worked his middle finger into your tight hole. Humming, he bit his lip as he slipped his ring finger alongside it. You sighed, eyes fluttering at the mild stretch that came along with it. 

“Feel okay?” he asked softly, working the two fingers in and out of your hole. 

You nodded, “Feels good,” you breathed. 

Your eyes fell closed as he crooked his fingers upwards to touch that sweet spot on top. Your hips jumped at the sensation, ripping a moan from your swollen lips. He smirked, burying the digits deep, licking his lips at the way your juices gushed out from around them. 

With his other hand, he found your clit, circling the bud with his thumb as he worked his index finger into the mix. The added stimulation to your clit made your wall clench tightly and he grunted, imagining what it would feel like around his cock. 

“Please Toshi,” you begged, “I want you already.”

“Thank you’re ready?” he asked, although he already knew the answer. 

And he was right when you whimpered out a pathetic little, “Yes!”

He resumed the position from earlier, his tip pressed against your entrance. It was opened a bit from his three fingers but he knew it was still going to be a tight fit. 

He took your hand in his, lacing your fingers together as he began to sink into your cunt. You whimpered as your walls stretched around him, squeezing his hand. He bottomed out quickly, stilling to let you adjust to being stuffed so full of his thick cock. 

“Does it hurt?” he asked, pressing a kiss to your lips. 

“N-No…” you mumbled, “Just...feels weird.”

He chuckled, kissing your lips again. He could feel you squeezing around him, your cunt unused to having such a big cock inside. The fact he was your first, the one taking your virginity -- tainting your pure body was turning him on more than he ever thought it would. 

He couldn’t even lie and say he’d never taken a cherry before but with you it was different. He felt a sense of pride and possessiveness wash over him; you were his completely. You had given him your heart and your body. 

Burying his face in your neck, he pressed kisses against the sweet spot he easily found there. Grinding his hips against yours, he stirred your insides with his thick length until you were arching your hips to get more of the addictive pleasure only he could bring you. 

He pulled out halfway, slowly sinking his cock back inside with a groan.

“That’s a good girl,” he praised, eyes glued to where your cunt was stretched around him, “Taking me so well, look at that.”

“Feels so good,” you whimpered, clutching the sheets beneath you in your fists.

“Yeah?” he grinned, pulling out so the tip remained only to surge forward and sink his cock into you in one long thrust. Immediately, your back arched and you let out an erotic moan that had his cock throbbing against your walls, “Fuck, my cocks almost too much for you but you’re bein’ such a good girl for me, aren’t you? Taking what I give you...fuck…”

His praise and dirty words went straight to your core. He set a steady pace, making sure to angle his hips up so he could hit your g-spot. The pleasure had your eyes rolling back and you cried out his name every so often, making his heart race. 

“Sound so pretty sayin’ my name…” he groaned, cupping your breasts in his hands as he fucked you, “Pussy’s so tight and wet...I can feel you dripping, you know that? Who would have thought such a pretty cunt could get so messy. But you only get this messy for me, right darlin’?”

“Only you!” you babbled, wrapping your arms around his neck to press your lips against his. He moaned into your mouth, reaching between your bodies to circle your clit, “Fuck! Toshi, y-you’re gonna make me cum!”

“Fuck,” he groaned, “Do it then, sweetheart. Go on, cum on my fucking cock.”

A few more thrusts and circles over your swollen bud had you falling over the edge. Your body trembled and arched beneath him, cunt spasming around him as he worked you dutifully through your orgasm. 

Once you came down, he pulled his hand from your clit and pulled out. You were panting, body limp and relaxed as you let him move you onto your hands and knees. Keeping your face buried in the pillow, you allowed him to maneuver you into the proper position. 

He pressed his hand down on the small of your back, “Arch your back for me, good girl.”

“Th-This is embarrassing, Toshi…” you whispered into the pillow. 

He hummed, gripping his cock to direct himself back into the sweet vice of your cunt, “No reason to be embarrassed, kitten. It’s just me...you can trust me.”

“I-I know...but still…” you whimpered, eyes fluttering as he sunk his cock deep inside. The position allowed him to reach a new depth. 

“Do you want to stop?” he asked softly, running his hand along your spin. 

You hesitated for a second, focusing on the pleasurable sensation of being filled so completely before shaking your head. He grinned, leaning down to kiss your shoulder blade, “Good girl.”

The praise went to your head and you suddenly had a desire to receive more. You wanted to be good for him -- be his good girl. 

You lifted your head from the pillow and cried out his name, fucking yourself back against his cock. He grinned, slapping your ass lighter than he usually would do it -- he wasn’t sure how you would take to it. When he felt you clench around him in response, he grinned. That was something worth looking into it seemed. 

“Toshi…” you whined, reaching back to grip at his hip.

He hummed, slowing ever so slightly, “What is it, kitten?”

“Please…” you whined, feeling your cheeks flush with embarrassment over what you desperately wanted to ask him.

“Please what?” he whispered, kissing your shoulder blade again, “Tell me what you need, baby.”

“C-Call me...y-your goog girl again…” you whispered, immediately burying your face in your pillow. 

He paused, eyes wide before another grin grew across his face. Wrapping his arm around your waist, he pulled you up until your back was pressed against his chest. You cried out, his cock stilling inside you as he pressed his lips against your ear.

“You like being praised huh?” he asked, chuckling when you nodded, leaning your head back to rest on his shoulder. He enjoyed the fucked out look on your face, “Like being my good girl, hm? Such a pretty, sweet girl for me…”

You whimpered, walls clenching around his still cock, “I-I love you Toshi…”

He hummed, reaching down to find your clit. Circling over the bud, you keened, eyes fluttering as your cunt clenched tight around him, “I know you do, sweetheart.”

Suddenly, your walls squeezed, clamping down tight. He groaned, cursing under his breath as he felt your body seize up in your orgasm, trembling and gushing around his cock. He pressed his lips against your shoulder, looking down to where his length was buried completely inside. 

You began to rock yourself along his cock, your orgasm flying to new heights as he never stopped playing with your sensitive bud. 

Suddenly, he watched with wide eyes as your cum squirted out, soaking the bed and your thighs. 

“Shit,” he growled, providing a few quick slaps against your clit, making you squirt just a few more times, “What a good fucking girl you are. Look at the mess you made. You’re so perfect, I love you so much.”

Those words had you clenching once again. That finally sent him over the edge himself. He rocked into you, holding you tight against him. His cock throbbed, spitting hot cum into your sensitive cunt. 

He cupped your breasts, groaning in the throes of his orgasm as he pressed kisses against your shoulder, neck, and cheek. 

When he finally came down, he gently laid you on the bed, pulling his cock out. His cum gushed from your hole without his length to stop it. You cringed, the feeling unpleasant to say the least. 

He got out of bed to go to the bathroom intending to get a cloth to clean you with. 

When he was gone, you found yourself thinking about what just happened. One particular thought was on your mind and when he returned, you didn’t hesitate to voice it.

“W-We didn’t use a condom…” you mumbled. 

He hummed, “Were we supposed to? I thought you were on birth control.”

“I am...it’s just…” you frowned, clearing your throat as you watched him wiped your thighs and sensitive folds free of your mixed cum.

“What?” he sat beside you, fixing you with a steady gaze, urging you to confess your thoughts to him. 

“You were just...dating, you know...Aoi and…” you sighed, averting your gaze from him, “Other girls before.”

He chuckled, laying beside you, “What, you’re concerned I have something?”

“Well no...not necessarily…” you frowned as he cupped your cheek, making you look at him.

“If you must know…” he shrugged before continuing, “I always used a condom with them.”

“Really?” he nodded at your question, “Then...why with me?”

“Because you’re you,” he smiled, kissing your lips, pulling you to lay against his chest, “You’re the one for me, kitten. That’s all you need to worry about.”

Yes, Hitoshi Shinsou fell in love easily. But he never gave those girls his heart. He cried because he thought he could never have you. The truth was, you had always owned his heart. It had always been in your hands. 

[missdreamshade]

Predator and Prey

Pairing: Psychopath!Jimin x Reader

Genre: yandere au + serial killer au

Summary: You and your friends decide to go on a camping trip that quickly takes a twisted and deadly turn.

Warnings: Yandere content, mentions of blood, murder, kidnapping, graphic violence, strong language, overall dark themes, please read at your own risk

“Stop being so loud, Chan. You might attract a bear,” you friend, Gia, scolded, smacking the boy next to her with a stick.

“Ow! Geez, okay,” he muttered, standing up from his spot around the fire, “I’m going to go take a leak anyway.”

“Classy,” you piped up, watching happily as your marshmallow slowly turned golden brown over the open flames.

Chan rolled his eyes, turning around and walked away, disappearing amongst the surrounding bushes.

“Gosh, he’s so annoying.”

A small giggle escaped past your lips as you pulled your marshmallow off the stick, “At least he’s entertaining.”

A scoff erupted from her chest while she grabbed herself out some chocolate.

“Who cares,” your other friend, Hyunjin, spoke up, “Just ignore him if he bothers the spoiled princess oh-so much.”

A piece of chocolate went flying across the campfire, ricocheting itself off Hyunjin’s forehead. Almost immediately, the two began bickering back and forth, throwing insults and snide comments each other’s way. Many minutes passed while you sat back silently observing, until a pit of worry started to grow in your stomach. You almost forgot, but nearly ten minutes had passed and Chan still wasn’t back yet.

“Guys,” you hesitantly interrupted, “Do you think we should go find Chan? He’s been gone a long time.”

The two glanced your way, confusion written on their features.

“He’s fine. He’s probably just goofing around,” Hyunjin replied.

“Or he’s lost,” Gia offered, her voice hopeful.

Hyunjin sent her a glare before the sound of a twig snapping caught everyone’s attention. A figure was slowly emerging from the bushes.

“Hey, man,” Hyunjin called out, “Good thing you’re back. Y/n was starting to get worried.”

When the figure finally came into view, Gia let out a horrified gasp. The man wasn’t Chan. In fact, you had no idea who he was. He stood in silence, waiting for someone else to make a move.

Although, it was hard to notice, his hands were fully covered in blood.

“Hey, who the fuck are you? And where’s our friend?”

Hyunjin began hollering out at the intruder, standing up from his seat and taking a couple steps in his direction. The man still didn’t speak. He only cocked his head to the side, his eyes scanning your friends. Suddenly, his gaze shifted to you. A small smirk tugged on his lips. His tongue darted out, running along his bottom lip while staring intently into your eyes.

You felt weak under his stare, almost vulnerable. Whoever this man was, he radiated danger. Your eyes trailed down his body, causing a slight gasp to leave your lips the second you noticed the crimson metallic blade clutched tightly in the stranger’s grip.

“Hey,” Hyunjin shouted again, “Are you listening to me, you fucking creep?”

“S-Stop it, Hyunjin,” you stuttered out, but it was too late.

The man had already lunged himself at your friend, tackling him down to the ground. The knife was then raised over the stranger’s head and plunged deep down into Hyunjin’s chest.

A solid grip formed around your hand as Gia pulled you off the wood log. While dragging you behind her, she dashed off into the woods which circled your campsite. Panic, terror, nausea, and guilt. All those emotions swirled themselves inside your chest.

You struggled to keep up with Gia’s fast pace, especially while dodging various branches, bushes, and trees.

“Gia, stop. Stop!” you yelled out.

She reluctantly listened, stopping all her movements, and whipped around to face you.

“What? What the hell is it?”

“Wh-What about Hyunjin? We can’t just leave him—”

You felt stupid saying for it, but the idea of abandoning your friend, who may still be alive, made you feel worse.

“What about Hyunjin? Y/n, are you serious? He’s dead! Dead! And if we don’t start running, fast, we are going to end up dead too! ..”

Her hollering abruptly stopped as she jolted, her body becoming tense. You watched in fearful concern and she began wavering from side to side, then suddenly dropped face down onto the ground. The black handle of a blade sticking out proudly from her back.

“Last one standing, I see.”

Your head snapped up at the voice. Only a few feet away stood the deranged murderer. Tears began streaming uncontrollably down your cheeks. You gradually backed away, desperately trying to put some distance between you and the psychopath. He walked forward in your direction, only to stop and crouch down next to Gia’s figure.

“P-Please,” you sobbed out, watching as he pulled the knife out from your best friend’s back.

The animalistic man in front of you ignored your sad attempt for mercy, continuing to stalk up to you at an agonizingly slow pace.

Just like a predator when it finally cornered it’s prey ..

The harsh sounds of leaves crunching under his feet filled your ears. Your eyes shifted away from the weapon to actually look over his figure. Scratches, bruises, and cuts littered the visible parts of his skin. The boys must’ve fought hard to get away.

The dark denim of his jeans were torn and caked in mud. Your eyes moved to his white shirt. A crimson red colour splattered itself all around, almost like it was trying to create a sick and twisted design.

The fabric will forever be stained with the blood of your friends.

With every forward step he took, you took two backwards, that is until your back ran into the rough bark of a tree. Using it to his advantage, the man quickly closed the gap between you, stopping only when he was a mere inch away.

The man’s free hand reached out, pushing away rouge strands of hair that fell into your face. You couldn’t help but to flinch at his actions, tears still continuing to pool in the corner of your eyes. Your whole body quaked in fear.

“So innocent,” he murmured, talking more to himself than you.

You could feel the tip of his bloodstained knife make contact with your skin causing you to whimper. A sick smile tugged on his lips at the pathetic sound. He slowly dragged the blade up your thigh, only to stop when he hit the hem of your shorts. The tears threatening to fall finally gave up their bluff and fell down your cheeks.

“So delicate,” he muttered once again.

He pulled the knife away from your thigh, only to press it down against your lower abdomen, keeping you in place.

“Please,” your voice sounded weak, barely even above a whisper, “Don’t k-kill me.”

A dark chuckle escape past his lips as his free hand moved from your hair to your face, tracing his thumb across your lips.

“Kill you? Oh, baby, I’m not going to kill you.”

He leaned down, digging the knife further into your stomach, but made sure not to draw any blood. Or at least not yet. His lips made their way to your ear, lightly grazing over the soft flesh before whispering,

“I’m going to make you my new toy, beautiful. Isn’t that exciting?”

His free hand found its way to your throat, grasping onto it with a painfully tight grip. Your lungs almost immediately began burning for air. Everything in your sight became blurry, then a swarm of black dots began to consume your vision. The sickeningly sweet voice of the man in front of you echoed through your ears, sounding far off in the distance.

“You’re all mine now, babygirl .. I can’t wait to finally have some fun.”

Then your body gave out, collapsing you into the arms of a psychopath.

• • •

// Alright, I didn’t want to make myself or anyone wait for the completion of the fic, so I hammered it out! 🍄 \\

[420technoblazeit]

no but like. tsumugi as a villain had no flavor whatsoever. idk if they were going for a makoto parallel with her whole 'oh i'm so boring' shtick but it kinda came off as the writers being self aware about their bad characterisation and going through with it anyway. it was so lazy. the whole appeal of the traitor concept is that this person you trusted, who you got to know on a personal level and connect with, was always planning to backstab you

but at no point in time did i feel like i really connected with her. she was just kinda there to have funny reactions and make nerdy references. which is fine as a character trait but that's not a substitute for a personality. and i think the writers were hoping that by making her pop culture savvy everyone would immediately like her. but even the playthrough gamers i've watched who liked her at first eventually got bored of that shtick. and aside from that she doesn't have any substance at all

the only real appeal tsumugi has is what she represents in the context of team danganronpa and the outside world. the idea that she pre-determined the first three cases and messed with everyone's memories and personality is horrifying. more than the previous two games, that means that everyone in v3 was stripped of their free will. worse yet it's broadcast to an audience that finds entertainment in it and in a sick twisted way wants to be them. it's the terror of knowing that your very identity is a lie given to you by the people who watched you suffer all this time and profited from it

like tsumugi did have really good moments! the part where she tells maki that she was always meant to fall in love with kaito was fucked up! especially because from maki's perspective that was the only thing she'd ever chosen for herself. at her core she's a lonely person who had all her relationships taken away from her, and then kaito dies and she has to question for feelings for him as well. and it's in front of an audience. all that pain and grief is broadcast for everyone to see

so i don't think the ending plot twist of v3 was necessarily bad. the problem i have with it is that the people it wouldve mattered most to are already dead. ryoma and kirumi's entire trial was on the basis of false memories. kaede was literally framed and falsely executed. kiibo was built only to be used as a camera to watch the killing game and carry out the wishes of the audience. i want to see how they would have reacted to the plot twist and to the idea that the people they are now are just pre-written characters. idk i feel like they could have done more with the concept if the whole thing was a virtual world or something

[vagrantblvrd]

In the vein of those Din and Luke meet on Tatooine before they live the Star Wars?

I propose that Din is the ~sweetheart from back home story Luke tells people if they ask about that kind of thing, you know?

Nineteen year-old Luke who gets tossed into the deep end whe he joins the Rebellion, right?

Farm boy from Tatooine in a starfighter squadron filled with people like Wedge and Janson.

And all the hurry up and wait that happens, and a card game that springs up between missions. Some late night somewhere - Hoth, maybe - and it was just a little too much to toss and turn all night in the bunks, maybe tale a stroll through base. Stop by the hangar because someone’s always there - weather lie this you can bet someone’s fixing something or adapting it to make it work in these conditons, and anyway, anyway.

Hell of a lot better than being stuck with your own thoughts you know backwards and front.

So anyway, one of those kind of card games, you know? The ones where people don’t ask why you look so damn tired or comment on how jumpy you are because they’ve all been there. (It’s a war, everyone loses sleep, everyone has nightmares. Everyone’s lost someone, or worry about losing someone and anyway. They get it.)

Janson’s just finished some story about a girl he knew from somewhere, before he joined the Rebellion and the trouble they both go up to and the fond memories he has due to all that.

Swings over to Wedge who sighs and gives Janson this look because he just won’t stop about it, and Luke only half hears the story because he catches a glimpse of Han stomping by, scowl on his face the way he gets sometimes.

(Another fight with Leia, probably, that Luke’s at that stage of things where the thought doesn’t sting so much anymore, thinks he actually likes this better anyway, because he’s seen the way Han looks at her and anyway.)

Luke goes over to where Han’s stomping around the Falcon, muttering and swearing and Chewie’s who knows where, maybe that still in one of the storage levels helping people who are totally not involved with it refine the end product or some such, Luke wouldn’t know.

Takes a while for Han to notice he’s there and when he does Luke almost rolls his eyes at the whole...Drama bit he does. Trying to get Luke on his side, paint himself as the innocent in the scenario - which, if he was? He wouldn’t be trying nearly this hard to convince Luke, so.

Luke lets him vent for a bit and when Han runs out of steam, starts to look a little lost like he has no idea how the hell whatever argument he and Leia had got so out of hand he stormed off the way he did -

“You up for a game of sabacc?”

Because Han tells anyone who’ll listen just how good at it he is, no one better for parsecs around, and anyway.

Better that that be left alone with his thoughts, right?

So Luke brings Han into the game, and Wedge and Janson give Luke this look because the whole Drama between him, Han, and Leia is the best entertainment they’ve had in a long, long time, and anyway.

“You got one?” Wedge asks, looking at Luke over his cards, like an absolute bastard, because of course that catches Han’s interest.

“Got what?”

Luke is like, oh, no, but Wedge is smirking at him and Janson’s no better and then there’s Han who is worse than all of them put together.

“Sweetheart from back home,” Wedge says,and he and Han share this look - it has to be a Corellian thing - and Luke.

“...I wouldn’t say he’s my sweetheart,” Luke says, and the way his face feels he has to be blushing. “But, uh. There was someone.”

And, okay.

He’s not so clueless  he doesn’t know the reputation Mandalorians have with most people, has heard Han talking about this one in particular that pops up in his life every so often.

Mostly though, it’s kind of.

He just doesn’t want other people having this piece of his life, you know? Things are weird enough after Yavin and the Death Star and the Rebellion and Luke’s role in all that and he didn’t ask for any of that, could do without it, but he’s just the guy they ask to smile and post of pictures and...yeah.

SO.

He tells them this story about that time he was in Mos Eisley, right? He had this part-time job working in a hangar for someone named Peli when the farm wasn’t doing well.

Han looks at Luke as he mentions that, this slow realization on his face because look, okay, look.

Han’s met some nice girls - and maybe boys, who knows - like that, ones he had a good time with before moving on and Luke is steadfastly not looking at anyone at the table. (Cargo crate with an old tarp thrown over it to make it just that much more classy and all.)

Focused real intent on his cards and Han is both impressed and a little horrified because one, he never would have expected something like that from Luke - look at the kid, for crying out loud! - and two? That’s Luke. Like a kid brother and Han knows the kind of guys (and girls) who meet sweet kids like him in places like that - look at Han!

Anyway, Han keeps his mouth shut and lets Luke tell his story. Glances at Wedge and the others who all look the same mix of impressed and horrified because Luke, and almost gives himself away by laughing because yeah, the dumb kid gets to people like that, doesn’t he.

Luke, though He knows his friends, looks up and give them looks. “It wasn’t like that,” he says, because most of the time it really wasn’t like that.

He met a lot of interesting people back then, that’s all.

So anyway, back to Luke’s story about this guy he met working for Peli.

Drifter, you know? Not the chatty sort, but not rude about it. Just. Not much to say to anyone, which was fine Luke made up for it himself just fine.

Anyway.

This guy comes in with his ship all chewed up - literally, Luke finds out later when he pries a tooth jammed into one of the landing struts when the guy mentioned it didn’t fully retract - and this tired sigh.

Peli set Luke on the guy’s ship, told him that since he didn’t want droids near the damn thing he’d trust her to know what her people could do and that Luke would be just fine fixing his ship, so, you know.

That was a thing to watch.

And then Luke gets to work, has to call home to let them know he won’t be back that night because he’s got a big job in the works and the guy needs it done ASAP and there’s a couch in Peli’s office she lets him sleep on when stuff like this happens.

He’s still working when the guy gets back from...doing whatever it is he was doing, Luke knows better to ask, and Luke is like.

He knows ships, you know? Knows machines, a hell of a lot better than people sometimes, and they don’t make fun of him, don’t stick him with dumb nicknames.

So he’s working on the guy’s ship, maybe talking to it to, fond little pats when he’s done with a repair or comes across some old repair job someone did that’s coming apart. And it’s not like anyone told him not to take care of that while he’s there and all, you know?

Peli said get his ship fixed, and maybe she meant the newer stuff, but Luke is there and it’ll just take a second and really, the ship’s old, been through a lot. Fixing this one little thing with all the rest won’t hurt anyone and it’ll keep her flying a little longer, and just. No harm to it.

And then the guy is just kind of there?

Watching Luke being a weird guy, talking to his ship like it’s a person, finding small things wrong with it that haven’t set up an alarm anywhere yet, but Luke just knows. Like a splinter under your skin you don’t realize is there just yet but something’s not right, that kind of deal.

Gives Luke this look, right, but Luke shrugs and spins some nonsense about older ships like his and these common issues they share as part of the manufacturing process and might as well take care of it now before it becomes a problem, right? No extra charge, something on the house since the repairs that were asked for are so extensive.

Anyway.

Luke ends up chattering a bit when he realizes the guy doesn’t mind? Doesn’t always answer Luke but he doesn’t tell him to shut up or pull a blaster to intimidate him the way some of them do, and anyway.

Luke finishes the repairs around dawn, dead on his feet and wishes him luck before he goes off to catch some sleep on Peli’s couch before he heads home to the farm.

Doesn’t think much about the whole thing, but then a few months later the same ship ends up in Peli’s hangar. In better shape this time, just needs a once-over, make sure everything’s running fine and fuel.

And the guy, okay.

Gives Luke this little nod on his way off to do whatever, doesn’t stop to ask Peli if she’s sure Luke’s good at his job, and he gets this. Nothing warm and squishy, he barely knows the guy, but it’s a pleased feeling knowing that at the very least he trusts Luke’s work.

Luke’s done by the time the guy gets back, but it’s one of those days where he’s not keen on getting back to the farm - Uncle Owen asked him to stay behind a year to help out, just a little longer and he’s.

Upset at being left behind by the others, by being stuck on Tatooine for another year. Needs time to cool down before he says something he knows he’ll regret, and Peli’s good enough not to pry.

They end up playing sabacc, Peli cackling as she cheats her way to victory - Luke pauses his story to give the others this 0:D smile when he tells them she’s the one who taught him how to cheat at sabacc and not get caught at it, but anyway, they want to hear the rest of his story, right?

Peli gets a call from a supplier, something about a parts dleivery being delayed - Imperial interference or some such - and she leaves to go take care of it, annoyed because she was about to clean Luke out and leave him destitute when it comes to nuts and bolts, and then it’s Luke and the guy.

Who’s giving him this look right - well, Luke assumes, because helmet but he’s not telling Han and the others that bit, and anyway.

It’s still kind of early as these things go and Luke’s feeling a little more reckless than usual, and invites the guy for a hand or two if he doesn’t have anything else to do.

He’s not really expecting the guy to say yes, but he does and it’s not so bad, really? Guy must be in a good mood because he answers more of Luke’s questions or offers tidbits about himself without being asked. Doesn’t even glare at the pit droids when they creep a little closer.

Little guys love Luke, you know, but this guy obviously doesn’t like droids so they usual stay clear, but this this time their curiosity gets the better of them.

So they play a couple of hands of sabacc,and the guy knows, okay, clearly, obviously knows Luke is cheating the whole time. Hell, Luke’s not even trying all that hard to hide it, but he doesn’t say anything about it.

Gives Luke a look a few times, but they keep playing and they each win a hand.

Luke’s in a better mood by the time they decide that’s enough for the day, offers to buy the guy dinner, even.

(But becuase Din, and helmet, that’s a little awkward, y’know?)

Gets a no, because the guy has rations or whatever in his ship and Luke figures hey, okay, no problem and figures he’s good to go home now. Apologize to Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru and such because he does get it, just.

Yeah.

He doesn’t see the guy around for a few more months, and when he does -

“You need to see a doctor.”

Because the blood. So much blood?

Also a vibroknife, and it’s just.

Messy.

But the guy is like no, no doctor and Luke is like you are going to die if you don’t see one but still the no doctor thing, and Luke drags him to this place he knows. Sketchy part of Mos Eisley - sketchy-er part-  and knocks on a door.

This lady he knows, used to be a doctor way before. Used to be with the Galactic Navy, served on a Venator-class star destroyer before things changed, she says.

Anyway, she has a soft spot for Luke after he helped haggle a shopkeeper down on some supplies she was trying to buy this one time.

(Patched him up once or twice too, accident at the hangar or taking the wrong shortcut, that kind of thing. Didn’t want to worry his family, and anyway, Mos Eisley, right? Things happen.)

She’s surprised to see him this late at night - or not, because, again, Mos Eisley - and freezes when she sees who he has with him.

It occurs to Luke, when he sees the look on her face that hey, maybe there’s a reason someone like her is living in a bad part of Mos Eisley, and maybe people like this guy who’s been bleeding on Luke for the last however long might be one of them, but.

She was a doctor and that meant somthing once upon a time, and also the look on Luke’s face, the way he swears nothing will happen to her even though they both kind of know there’s no way he could keep that promise if his...friend is determined, but anyway.

Doesn’t matter all that much since the guy passed out before Luke got to her place, and he stays under the whole time they’re working on him.

Luke helps her patch the guy up, another pair of steady hands and they manage to save his life, which is great!

Luke apologizes for not thinking when he went to her place, but the blood and worry and she was the only one he could think of, and anyway.

She tells him not to worry about it, someone would have found her sooner or later anyway, and hey, really, don’t worry about it.

Still, better safe than sorry and Luke gets the guy back to the hangar before he wakes up. Gets him into the bunk on his ship and then, because he’s covered in the guy’s blood and it’s late as hell, decides to call home to let them know he’s got another long night - last minute job that came in and he’ll be back to help with the farm in teh morning.

And then!

Peli’s out of town, off-planet, business or whatever, and Luke’s the only one at the hangar and wakes up to the guy standing over him.

No blaster in his hand but Luke gets the feeling he doesn’t need one, and anyway.

“I said no doctors.”

Which, okay.

Luke recognizes he’s in a dangerous situation, but also?

It’s early as hell, and he didn’t get a lot of sleep the night before what with saving the guy’s life and Luke’s pretty sure he didn’t get all of his blood out from under his nails.

“They’re not anymore,” he says, and puts his arm over his eyes to block out the light. Figures if the guy’s going not going to kill him for saving his life he might as well get more sleep.

He hear this little huff, annoyance? Something, but he’s tired and falls asleep before he can figure it out.

(And the part Luke doesn’t tell Han and the others who are all just. Staring at Luke because what the actual hell, Skywalker, they thought you were some dumb kid living on a moisture farm, not...whatever the hell this story is turning out to be, is that he tells the guy - they didn’t take his helmet off, that no one saw his face.)

Anyway, Luke doesn’t get murdered on Peli’s office couch, but he does get more sleep. When he wakes up the guy and his ship are gone, but one of the pit droids gives Luke a little stack of credits. Enough to cover the medical supplies Luke’s not-doctor friend used on him, and figures it’s as close to a thanks as he’s likely to get.

In present day hangar on Hoth everyone is still staring at Luke who is like what, none of you guys had experiences like that growing up where some guy bled all over you and then kind of threatened to kill you for helping him? Weird.

Han makes a mental note to have a talk with Leia - when she’s talking to Han again -  about their idiot friend who is either the luckiest bastard in the galaxy or...hell if Han knows, but someone needs to keep an eye on the kid, okay?

But back to pre-Star Wars Luke and his ~sweetheart story.

He doesn’t see the guy again for a while, but this time he does the guy comes over to where Luke’s working on his speeder at the back of Peli’s hangar. It’s been acting up and he has this deal with her where she lets him use the hangar tools and equipment if he pays for any supplies he uses in the process. 

Business has been slow, Imperial activity in the area for some reason and scaring their usual customers away for the time being, and anyway.

Nothing else to work on, so tinkering with the speeder when a shadow falls over him and he looks up to see the guy watching him.

Awkward about it too, and Luke watches him totally not fidgeting before he rolls his eyes and flaps a hand to the toolbox just out of reach.

“Hand me the hydrospanner, would you?”

He’s half expecting the guy to walk off in a huff, but is pleasantly surprised when he sets the hydrospanner in Luke’s waiting hand.

Luke thanks him and goes back to work, and realizes after a bit that the guy is still standing there??? Seems less awkard now, though, and Luke slides out from under the speeper - has it up on a lift or the whatnot - and looks at the guy.

Tells him it’s nice to see him, especially when he’s not bleeding - “Wait, you aren’t bleeding, right?” HArd to tell with the armor and such - which makes the guy sigh.

Luke grins, and the guy sits on one of the crates nearby as Luke goes back to fixing the speeder. Occasionally Luke will ask for a tool and the guy will hand it to him.

Luke chats with him while he’s working, gets some answers back and it’s just.

A nice time, you know?

And then when he’s done and the speeder is back up and running, well. Luke needs to take it for a test drive, little spin, and if the guy’s not doing anything it might be nice to have some company???

Wedge and the others are like OH? GOING FOR A DRIVE WITH YOUR SWEETHEART? TELL US MORE.

But, like. Nothing happens, okay? They go for that drive, Luke shows off a little because he was a dumb - dumber - kid back then and anyway, anyway.

It’s not until they’re back in Mos Eisley and Luke drops the guy off at his ship, parked in a hangar down the way, that anything happens, you know?

The suns are going down and it’s pretty out, hardly anyone on the street with them and, almost enough to make them forget about being in Mos Eisley.

Luke’s leaning against the speeder, right, and the guy’s watching Luke watch him, and he cocks his head a certain way and Luke follows him into the hangar and nothing happens, okay, really.

Just some talking, the guy getting ready to leave in the morning and some stuff he ordered got dropped off. Luke helps him load his ship, and when they’re done it’s starting to get dark out, and Luke really should head home -

But the guy stops him, and on his arm and some of that awkwardness is back, and Luke is just.

Doesn’t know what to expect, because usually this is where a kiss might happen, but - the armor the others don’t know about because shhhh, no talk of Mandalorians when Han’s around -

Luke is just standing there, not sure what to do, and then the guy leans down, presses his forehead against Luke’s and says, “Din,”

Luke is like !!! because this is clearly something important, something big, and he doesn’t want to ruin the moment, mess things up. Is about to ask, but the guy beats him to it.

“My name,” he says, like this is something he hasn’t told many people. “Din.”

No last name, but Luke figures even this much is a big, big deal, especially since they don’t even really know one another, and anyway, it doesn’t matter, so.

They stay like that a little longer - Luke doesn’t know what they’re doing, this thing with Din, but it’s nice and he likes it - and then one of the hangar mechanics comes stumbling in, drunk as hell and Luke and Din break apart, all awkward and flustered.

Luke says he has to get home, Din says he should get some sleep since he’s leaving early the next morning, and anyway, anyway, that’s Luke’s sweetheart from home story.

Because, you know, because.

Uncle Owen got a couple of droids the day after that and Luke’s life stopped being his for a long, long time.

Han and Wedge and the others look at Luke because what even was that story? Everyone else had the schoolyard crushes and the like. Luke gets the mysterious drifter who almost died, but then Luke saved him by taking him to a former doctor who was on the run and hiding out in Mos Eisley and almost got murderized for it -

“Guys, he wasn’t going to kill me,” Luke says, which while true is nowhere near the point, Skywalker, just shut up for a second, okay?

- and then he gets the scenic drive and romantic kiss goodbye to someone he never sees again???

(They all agree not to mention the part where Luke’s family was murdered and the whatnot because yikes, but still. What was that story?)

Luke is just, “Tatooine,” which is as good an explanation as anything else he could have given them really.

AND THEN.

Fast forward a few years to this distress call through the Force fro a tiny green gremlin kid that Luke answers.

Has to go through a platoon of Dark Troopers to do it, and when he does -

He doesn’t expect Din to remember him, not really, because what’s one dumb kid on some terrible desert planet to someone like him who probably stopped on a hundred other planets with other dumb kids like Luke around, so.

Still, knowing it’s Din and seeing what he’s willing to do for Grogu - what he has done, when Grogu shares his memories of his adventures with Din and what Din tells him himself - makes it easier to invite him to come with Luke and Grogu.

(Always the plan to do so because he doesn’t want to repeat the mistakes of the old Jedi order, but it being Din is so much better.)

Go back to Yavin or wherever he’s starting his school and Din is all awkward around Luke?

At first he thinks Din does remember him, and overall awkwardness of their past and present and anyway, he’s obviously not going to say anything and doesn’t want to? So just move on and such.

Only thing is, with Din living there with Luke and Grogu, Luke gets the chance to get to know him better? And Din is obiously trying, for Grogu’s sake, probably, Luke doesn’t know.

It’s still Din, though, awkward and a little stilted and just.

Adorable, really. Sweet about it.

Nothing really happens other than the awkwardness going away after a while, Din looking a little more comfortable around Luke and such.

And then the speeder they use to get to the small town a few miles away for food and supplies and the whatnot breaks down and Luke sets about fixing it, back of the little workshop area he as set up and it takes him a while to realize Din came out to see what he was doing, and then just never left?

Sitting there on some cargo crates, Grogu dozing in his arms because it’s early yet, but when Luke glances over at them Din shrugs, Smile in his voice as he tells Luke that Grogu woke up when Din was getting ready and refused to be left behind, and now here they are.

Luke snorts, and looks around for the hyrdospanner -

- and Din puts in his hand.

And where it should be a nice, normal little gesture, Din has to go and make it all meaningful, you know?

Hands Luke the hydrospanner, but their hands brush, touch lingering and Din is looking at him.

It’s been years, but Luke still remembers how to read Din’s body language, the tilt of his head, way he holds himself. Subtle things, an anyway.

Din watches Luke work, and Grogu wakes up somewhere in there taking over Din’s job of handing Luke tools and the whatnot, but that’s fine with Din because now he gets to watch the two of them, right?

Luke explaining what he’s doing, what’s wrong with the speeder and what he’s doing to fix it and such. Grogu follows maybe half of what he says, not all that interested, but he’s thrilled at the chance to help and that’s the important part.

And then when he’s done and the speeder is back up and running, well. Luke needs to take it for a test drive, little spin, and if Din’s not doing anything it might be nice to have some company???

(Not that Luke has called him by his name or anything since they met again on Gideon’s ship, didn’t think Din remembered him or that he was welcome to use it, and anyway, Yes)

There’s only the one sun this time, and it’s jungle rather than desert, but Luke still knows a nice little road they can take. Scenic, lovely, and Din gives him another one of those looks because he remembers this, okay.

Luke grins, because this is...it’s nice, really, and then Grogu pops up, super delighted because Luke is still kind of terrifying behind the wheel of a vehicle. Incredible driver/pilot and all? But still terrifying, because of those things.

They get back to the school, Luke pulling up in front of the school. Leans against the speeder watching Din and Grogu get out, Grogu thrilled out of his little mind because they went so fast and it was amazing and they watch as Grogu goes inside still chattering to himself becuase so cool.

Din looks at Luke, who’s still leaning against the speeder, soft little smile on his face because it’s been a good day.

And then Din cocks his head in a certain way and Luke follows him inside, because what else is he supposed to do?

They can hear Grogu somewhere in the little apartment Din shares with him, happy as anything and entertaining himself and anyway.

“Hey, hi,” Luke says, like an idiot, but that’s fine, it’s great.

Din’s kind of an idiot too, it works for them.

There’s some talking, and Grogu wanders in, clearly hungry and no choice but to make dinner and so on. Luke and Din moving around one another comfortably, don’t really think too much of it, and Grogu helps where he can, also snags little bits of food here and there and is all 0:D? when they shoot him looks, because clearly he’s done nothing wrong his whole life.

Grogu starts nodding off after dinner, and Luke cleans up while Din puts him to sleep, and then it’s finally Din’s turn to do the leaning.

Leans on the counter watching Luke who gives Din a look, like what are you doing, there are dishes to put away -

And then Din stops the whole leaning thing, at least for now, because he’s doing the thing where he presses his forehead against Luke’s, and it’s -

Luke knows what this is now, what it means to Mandalorians, to Din.

And if he still didn’t, there’s no misunderstanding the emotion in the way Din says Luke’s name, like hey, hello, and i’ve missed you so much, and there you are, i found you.

Which should be strange, right, because they barely even knew each other back then, but Luke says the same things to Din when he says his name, when Din hears Luke say his name for the first time, and anyway.

Luke’s not some dumb kid anymore (still dumb, according to Leia and Han and everyone else in Luke’s life, just not a kid), and Din’s not the same man he used to be.

And anyway, this is better isn’t it? All that time to find out who they were, live a lifetime of experiences with everything the galaxy threw at them only to meet once another again afterward? Learn who they’ve become since Tatooine, settled in their skins and anyway.

Not bad for a second date.

Han and Wedge absolutely lose their shit when they meet Din and realize why Luke’s story about his sweetheart from home was a little weird in places? Spots where Luke had to talk around the armor and fact Din’s Mandalorian and just.

Also the bit where Luke was all casual about the almost being murderized for saving Din’s life

“Guys, he wasn’t going to kill me, how many times do I have to tell you that?”

And Din is like. “...what? You thought I was going to kill you?”

“No!”

“Well we did!”

And anyway.

Yeah.

Leia, who has also heard Luke’s sweetheart from home story - it took them a long time to find Han after Cloud City, and there were nights where none of them could sleep and nightmares were plentiful and anyway, she’s heard the story - takes one look at Din and Luke and how happy her idiot of a brother is, and is just.

Finally, someone who makes her brother look like that.

(Happy. Din makes Luke happy.)

[nagito-kissmaeda]

I don't know if I've Talked to you yet? But may i get Nagito with a Talentless! S/o who's a Degradee. So whenever He Gets angry and Talks about her because of her talent. She's attracted to it. But is able to hide it for a while. But one day she slips up ane admit she likes it to hajime and nagito happens to overhear it. (I'd love a Nsfw Fic) if your open.

ミ☆ Thanks for the request! This was very interesting for me to write because i dont usually make Komaeda so.......mean. It does get pretty filthy so i hope that’s okay ahah.  Word Count:  2882

Warnings: Fem reader, no pronouns, explicit sexual content, degradation, possessive behaviour

You’re not sure that Komaeda’s insults are having their desired effect.

Generally, the other students of class 77-B treat you perfectly well, even kindly. You’d braided Sonia’s hair for her once when it was windy and getting in her eyes, after that she seemed to take a liking to you and started inviting you to eat lunch with her in the main course building. At first you were very nervous, shaking as you lurked in the doorway, holding your bento box between your quivering hands. 

But then, “Good afternoon, everyone! I’d like you all to meet my new friend!” Sonia said brightly, and everything sort of fell into place.

Everything except Komaeda. 

Presently, he has you backed up against a wall, one hand pressed up beside your head. He’s quite a bit taller than you, and has to crane his head down when his lip curls up in disgust. You aren’t really sure what his problem is, but he finds a way to antagonise you almost every day. Like he’s trying to convince you to snap. It isn’t working, but it is doing something else.

“How much did your parents pay, huh?” He whispers, voice eerily delicate even as his eyes burn with vitriol, “How much did you sacrifice just so you could pretend to be worth something?”

Your mouth has gone dry. Your eyes flit around his face, trying too hard not to focus on the subtle movement of his lips. 

“Ah, are you too afraid to answer? Afraid of what I might think of you?” 

You are not afraid. 

Komaeda leans in closer, lips curling up in a snarl, “you mustn’t concern yourself with such things.“

You are something far worse than that.

“My opinion of you will remain less than dirt regardless of your answer.” 

You are aroused and a pathetic little moan breaks away from your mouth at the feeling of his breath on your face, at his closeness, and the way he leers down at you like you are nothing more than a nuisance to him. His tongue darts out of his mouth to wet his lower lip and you whine . 

He laughs, mistaking the sound for one of fear, “The only reason I don’t pull you from our classroom and lock the door behind you, is because Sonia seems to enjoy your company. I’m sure her little fancy will not last long.” He smiles, “so make the most of the honour while it lasts.”

Komaeda leans back from you, and it feels like you can finally catch your breath again. Trying your hardest to ignore the way your heart is racing and just how wet your panties are getting. He does not seem to notice, lips curling up in a smirk that makes your breath hitch as he turns on his heel.

He did not notice the effect he was having on you. Far too concerned with trying to get you away from the rest of his ultimate classmates before you have a chance to dirty them with your pathetic presence. After all, even he was above you and that was saying something. Komaeda leaves you quivering in the hallway and heads back through the open door of classroom 77-B, but the sound of running feet brings him pause. He closes the door most of the way, leaving it open enough that he can watch through the gap without you noticing. 

“Hey.” Hinata says breathlessly, coming to a stop where you are still leaning against the wall, “I saw Komaeda bothering you, are you alright?” 

Komaeda scoffs. Hinata is just as much a problem as you are, always hanging around Nanami-san like it’s his given right. 

“Huh?” You say, still noticeably shaking, “oh I’m fine.” 

Komaeda smirks. If asked, he would claim that he only harassed you for the good of his fellow classmates; he would not admit the exhiliarion he feels in the moments when he finally gets to be better than someone. When he has you up against a wall like that, when he talks down to you like that. He feels something in his gut. A twisting that feels almost euphoric. 

Hinata huffs and crosses his arms, “look, that guy's an asshole. I can see you shaking, did he threaten you or something?” 

“No! Not really? I’m just…..uh…..” Komaeda can see you twisting your hands with nerves, his brows draw together in confusion, “I think I…like it…” 

Hinata balks, “wait. What?” He hisses, and Komaeda is thinking something very similar.

“When he’s mean to me like that.” You breathe, chewing on your lower lip, “when he has me up against the wall I...feel...good…” 

“No. Stop. Please.” Hinata exclaims, waving his hands in front of his face, “look, we’ve got to get to class. I don’t want to hear anymore about this. Okay?” 

Komaeda’s breath is caught in his throat as he watches the both of you walking back down the hall. Horrified at the tightness in his crotch. He whirls around and leans back on the wall, cupping a hand over his mouth to hide his heavy breathing. 

Those little noises you were making, the way you were shaking beneath him. 

This had not been his intention. 

Though, he supposes he can entertain the idea. Just to see how you react. It might even be fun. 

*

A few days later, you are back in the mostly vacant classroom with Sonia and Ibuki, the latter is in the middle of painting the nails on your right hand. 

“I know you said you don't really like this colour, but it glows in the dark, so that makes up for it, rigggggght?” Ibuki says; her nailpolish skills are lacking so your fingers are a bit of a mess, but you’re having fun anyway. 

“I think i might scare myself tonight when i turn the lights off and my fingers start glowing.” you laugh, Sonia titters politely behind her hand, but her expression quickly changes. 

“Oh.” She says, looking over your shoulder, “Hello, Nagito.”

You freeze. Throat going dry. You are not prepared for another encounter with Komaeda. 

“Ah, Hello. It’s nice to see the both of you.” He says. It does not escape your notice that he purposefully didn't even acknowledge your presence. 

“Don’t get too close naggy-waggy.” Ibuki replies, tongue sticking out as she starts painting the nails on your other hand, “I must focus on my art!”

A shiver runs up your spine when you feel the warmth of another body behind you. Komaeda leans over your shoulder to look down at your nails as Ibuki paints them, you can feel his breath on the side of your neck, you can smell him. He smells really good, why does he have to smell so good?

“You’ve improved a lot since your last attempt, Mioda-san.” Komaeda says, you can practically feel the words on your skin.

Ibuki laughs, “Kaz was a very good sport when I spilled it all over his arms! Plus! He was glowing for three days straight and i actually think it looked pretty sick!!!” 

“You're very lucky to have someone as wonderful as Mioda-san do your nails.” Komaeda breathes, you turn your head just a little. His face is so close to yours, his lips quirked up in the corners just enough that you know he is mocking you. Then, as he finally begins to stand back up again, he whispers in your ear, “after all, you’re just a pathetic reserve course student, aren't you?”

You feel his lips brush against the shell of your ear, and you swear it can't be intentional, but a shudder runs through you so powerful that you accidentally bump the nailpolish out of Ibuki’s hand. 

You are too busy trying to help her and Sonia clean up the mess, to notice the way Komaeda looks back, hands in his pockets and smirking at how easy it was to rattle you.

Yes, he thinks. This will be fun. 

*

It continues like this for some time. Komaeda is always lingering close to you, whispering in your ear. He’s always loved watching you squirm, but now it feels like he is doing more often, more shamelessly. After weeks of what feels like almost endless torment, something finally snaps. 

You’re dashing down the hall at lunch, it’s a decent walk from the reserve course building to the main course, so you really have to put the leg work in if you want to spend any real time with Sonia before heading back over again. You round a corner and run headlong into Komaeda. The universe has a hilarious sense of humour.

“Ah.” He starts, cocking his hips to the side while staring down at you, “What rotten luck.”

You glare at him, “Rotten luck, indeed.” 

Komaeda laughs, “Is that so? I’m quite sure this is the highlight of your day.” You stiffen as he leans down by your ear, his long fingers coming to rest on your hip, “You do so enjoy it when I mock you, after all.” 

You feel his teeth on the side of your throat, not really biting, but pressing down just enough that you can feel them. You release a shaky moan, digging your nails into your palms.

“Just like a reserve course student to revel in my touch; in whatever form it comes.” His hand grips tighter, you can feel his nails pressing hard against your skin, “I could bite down so hard that you bleed, and you’d still moan, wouldn’t you?” 

You would. Oh god you would. Your legs are shaking, you can feel his warm breath in your ear and you’re becoming painfully aware that this is happening in the hallway. You swallow as your eyes dart open to the supply closet behind Komaeda. He grins saccharinely as he follows your eyes, grabbing you by the hand and tugging you down the hall. Before you have a chance to ask what is going on-

The door to the supply closet clicks shut, and you are suddenly very aware of your situation. It takes you eyes a moment to adjust to the dim light, but when they do, you can see the utter hunger in Komaeda’s eyes. You swallow.

“How...how long have you known?”

“Known what?” He asks, feigning innocence.

You huff, “don’t make me say it!” 

Komeda crosses his arms, “no, I seem to have forgotten. I’ll need you to remind me.” 

You avert your eyes, scowling down at the ground, “how long have you known, that your degradation turns me on?”

He grins, “Almost a month.”

Your head snaps back up in horror, “So you’ve been toying with me on purpose this whole time?” You scoff, “What am I saying, of course you have been.”

“You’re lucky that I pay attention to you at all.” He breathes, and your heart starts racing at the jangle of a belt buckle.

This can’t be happening.

“You should be worshipping me.” Komaeda purrs over the sound of a leather belt being tugged through its loops. Your legs are quivering.The snick of a button coming undone, the sound of a zipper, and the thump of your knees hitting the floor all happen within seconds of each other. 

Komaeda chokes on a laugh. “I thought I would have to ask you to kneel.” He pulls his cock out of his boxers, already half hard as a smirk crawls up the side of his face, “But it seems you already know your place.” 

His cock is very pretty. Pale and slim with a blush red tip that you can't help wanting to suck on. 

“Don’t worry.” Komaeda whispers, “I have very low expectations for someone as talentless as yourself. I’ll be impressed if you even manage to make me come.”

Arousal shudders through you at his words, leaning forward and giving the head of his cock a cursorly lick. His breath catches in his throat. Such a pretty sound, you want to hear it more. One of his hands curls into your hair as you open your mouth wide and take the whole head in, sucking gently before bobbing your mouth halfway down. 

“ Ah! ” Komaeda hisses, hips stuttering deeper into your throat, “What an honour for you... aha ...to have an ultimate’s cock in your mouth, what a privilege .” his words break off into a laugh, wheezy and breathless as you take him all the way down, tears prickling in your eyes as it becomes harder to breathe. His head thumps back against the wall of the closet, cock pumping harder and faster into your open mouth as his nails dig into your scalp. You can feel drool running down your chin and dripping down to the floor, keening and moaning around his cock as you lathe the underside of the head with your tongue. 

“Who...Who knew...that this would be your one use…” Komaeda stammers, hips twitching and rolling into your mouth over and over, “is this your talent? Aha! Is sucking cock your talent?”

You make a noise of affirmation, unable to form words as he keeps relentlessly fucking into you. One of your hands slips up under your skirt and into your panties. It isn't surprising how wet you are, moaning unabashedly as you circle your swollen clit with a finger. 

“Ah... Ah! Look at you!” Komaeda exclaims, voice high and breathy as he tries to hold back another moan, “Being used like this turns you on, doesn't it? I wonder if one of those reserve course boys could do this to you.” he laughs breathlessly, “I wonder if you would let one of those reserve course boys fuck your mouth in the supply closet.” he grins down at you, eyes wild and almost unhinged, “I dont think you would, would you? I think you only want me, isn't that right?”

“Yes…” you manage to slur around him, circling your clit faster and faster, “nghh...only...you”

Your assertion only spurs him on further, hiking on leg up over your shoulder and pressing the heel of shoe hard into the wall behind you, hips stuttering forward with no discernible rhythm. You moan deep in the back of your throat and curl your arm around his thigh, feeling the muscles flex below your fingers as fucks into your mouth with unbridled desparetion. For all his talk, he seems to find your blow job abilities pretty competent.

“Don’t... ahh! ...Don’t stop-“ he groans, teeth gritted together, sweat dripping down his brow, “I...I’m gonna…” 

You’re close too. Your fingers pressing hard on your clit, circling almost brutally as you take his cock further down your throat. You can’t help but peer up at him, lording over just how thoroughly ruined he looks. Usually so neat, so clean. He looks like a perfect mess and it makes you keen around him, hips grinding harder into your own hand as you get closer and closer.

“You’re mine...all mine” Komaeda rasps, twitching and moaning, “Your mouth is mine to fuck...no-no one else can— AHHH!” 

His head collides with the wooden wall so loudly that you’re almost worried it hurts, and then he comes hard down your throat. You aren’t far behind, knees shaking and shuddering under your weight as you come tumbling over the edge, absolutely soiling your panties. There’s a filthy mixture of cum and saliva dripping out from your mouth that you swallow as best you can with Komaeda’s softening cock still in your mouth. The foot he had up against the wall slowly drops, resting gently on your shoulder instead as he catches his breath. You can see his chest rising and falling, his eyes gently closed. He’s cute when he’s not being such an asshole. 

Finally, he pulls his hips back and his cock slips out of your mouth, there isn’t too much of a mess on that front, at least nothing you can’t wipe away with the back of your hand, but your panties are another story. You’re just going to pray that they dry off a little before you have to go back to class.

Komaeda slides his leg from your shoulder and leisurely starts tucking himself back into his pants. You aren’t really sure what you’re supposed to be doing, so you just sit on the floor and wait for him to finish.

He hums, reaching down and tilting your chin up with a finger, “maybe you aren’t entirely pathetic.” he surprises you when he leans down and slots his lips against yours, flicking his tongue into your mouth, “if I’m able to make time in my busy schedule, I could shove my cock somewhere else next time.” 

You moan audibly, nodding your head with probably a little too much gusto.

Komaeda grins, all teeth and gums, and says, “I look forward to it.”

So do you.

[heyiwrotesomethings]

A Wild Valentine Appears!

Ririka Momobami x She/Her Reader (Feat. some KiraSaya!)

A/N: I now realize why it takes me months to finish writing things. I wrote this oneshot in a day and although I have read it over several times already, I still feel like it’s incoherent. I’ll still happily post it though because if I only posted things I was completely satisfied with, I’d post nothing lol. Anyway, just wanted to give a little love to Ririka because she deserves it. Hope you’ll like it! Word Count: 2,425

Ririka stared over the sea of students pushing and shoving to get into any of the more contested council member lines. God, she really hated Kirari sometimes.

Today was Valentine’s Day, and all Ririka wanted to do was go home, order a giant, cheesy pizza, and watch anime from the comfort of her own bed and forget this stupid holiday even existed. But no, her dear sister just had to be an insufferable nuisance. Nothing could ever be easy, could it?

Kirari had decided to inform the council that morning in an unplanned meeting, that in order to spare the mail room from total annihilation (and Sayaka’s back), each council member would have to accept their Valentines in person. She had even set up the gymnasium for the occasion. Not herself of course, she made the house pets do it, but you get the idea.

“But president, I already have an idol greeting in place!” Yumemi smiled, though her eye twitched, “I’m too busy to deal with people outside of my fan club who need I remind you, actually pay me for my time.”

“It is a waste of time,” Kaede pushed his glasses up, “A pointless holiday.”

“Well I think it’s a great idea president!” Itsuki proclaimed, leveling a glare at Kaede.

“Free sweets so I’ll happily comply!” Runa grinned.

“Sayaka,” Yumemi called, exasperation seeping out of the cracks in her cheery idol facade, “Surely you don’t want to watch people confessing to the president all afternoon?”

Sayaka’s hands, hidden behind her back, clenched tightly in agreement, yet her polite smile stayed solid. “The president’s will is my will.” She replied, her eyes dark and focused.

“Don’t worry. I’m sure Sayaka will be busy enough dealing with her own little pack of girls! Crazy to believe I know, but she’s actually pretty popular!” Midari sensed the air around the president change and cackled. “I’m cool with it, prez. I’m sure Yuriko’s ego would love all the attention too!” She offered on behalf of the absent council member. Yuriko had some important business with the Traditional Culture Club to take care of before the impromptu meeting was called.

“Majority rules.” Kirari smiled, passing a glance over to Ririka who was silently stewing.

So that’s how Ririka ended up standing in the furthest corner of the gym, watching all her fellow council members’ lines fill up while hers remained painfully desolate. She had never been more thankful for her mask than she was today. However, it was probably because of the mask and her eerie silence that people were afraid to approach her in the first place.

Ririka found entertainment watching Kirari and Sayaka at least. Though those two usually drove her absolutely bonkers, it was kind of funny to watch them take turns discreetly eyeing their ‘competition’ for the other’s affections. It was enough to make Ririka want to scream over the school’s intercom system that they needed to just kiss already and stop wasting everyone’s time, but still funny to see her sister making a mental list of every person who dared get too comfortable with her secretary. Ririka rolled her eyes as she was sure Sayaka was doing the same to the patrons in Kirari’s line. Her sister’s line was much larger than Sayaka’s own, but Ririka knew better than to think Sayaka couldn’t keep up.

“Um, excuse me, vice president?”

Ririka startled, but years of schooling her emotions and physical reactions hid her scare well. She looked away from her sister to stare at the disturbance head on. Ririka was surprised to find a face she recognized. (L/n) (Y/n), she sat next to Ririka’s left in class since their first year of high school. What could she possibly want?

“I’m sorry, I didn’t disrupt your train of thought did I? Here, let me just give you this quick and I’ll be out of your hair,” (Y/n) laughed nervously, her hand rummaging through the school bag over her shoulder, “I knew I should have packed better, sorry, just a second... There!” (Y/n)’s hand finally re-emerged with a rectangular box, striped with red, pink, and white. She held the box out to Ririka with a barely detectable tremor, “I made these chocolates for you. I hope you like them!”

Ririka tilted her head, mouth agape. Was this actually happening right now? Someone was giving her Valentines chocolate? And they were cute and nice? What the hell?

“Oh no, you hate it! I’m so sorry!” (Y/n) looked every bit as horrified as Ririka felt for just standing there and staring like an idiot instead of accepting the chocolates.

Ririka immediately waved her arms and shook her head, swiping the chocolates from her classmate’s hands and pressing the box into her chest protectively. Looking between (Y/n) and the chocolates Ririka knew she had to do something to show her gratitude so, she awkwardly flashed (Y/n) a shaky thumbs up. If Ririka could blush through her mask she was sure it would be bright pink.

“Thank you, vice president! I hope you like them, I worked hard on these- but! But don’t feel obligated or anything!” (Y/n) quickly added.

Ririka looked down at the pretty box in her hands a popped the lid open, a little gasp escaped her lips and came through her voice modulator like a crackle of static. The chocolates were shaped like cats!

“I hope you don’t mind, I noticed you doodle a lot during class and I think you make the cutest little kittens so that’s why I shaped the chocolate like that. I made the mold too, it took a couple tries, but the end result was worth it I think.”

Ririka hadn’t realized (Y/n) had paid attention to her at all, much less that she would be interested in her enough to know what she did during class, or remember and care enough to then turn such observations into an incredibly sweet and thoughtful gift. There was no way she was going to be able to keep her eyes off of (Y/n) during class now... not that she had ever stared longingly at her before! Or chickened out of buying chocolates to put in her classmate’s shoe cubby that morning, not at all! But damnit Ririka really wished she hadn’t been such a coward now!

“I’m glad this worked out. I had been planning to just send them through the mail system like I have in previous years, but then I heard that the student council was only accepting gifts in person this year and I kind of lost my nerve,” (Y/n) rambled on, waving her hands around as she talked.

Ririka couldn’t believe it. (Y/n) had sent her chocolates before? She had never gotten them. They had probably been lost in her sister’s vast piles of confectionary wealth, damn her sister!

“You are always so distant with everyone. I was afraid I was just going to be bothering you, but seeing you standing here all alone... I knew I had to just go for it and put my feelings out there, you know? Ah, I’m talking too much. I should really—“

“The president did not consent to be touched!”

(Y/n) and Ririka whipped their heads around just in time to see Sayaka flip a student twice her size to the ground, tasing him for good measure. Kirari stood by with an amused smirk, her hands rubbing sanitizer into her skin as she watched her secretary obliterate the boy.

The girls who were still waiting in Sayaka’s line started cheering and swooning which quickly made the president’s mood sour and she turned to the girls, offering them an icy stare that shook them all to the bone.

“I’ve grown quite bored of this. Would any of you care for a high stakes gamble? I’m sure we all have something of value to offer.” Kirari spoke, reaching her hand out towards the group.

The girls dropped their gifts and ran away screaming, none dared to accept the president’s wager. Especially not while she looked so menacing albeit elegant, as if she drank human blood and tears from a wine glass while sitting regally upon a throne constructed from the bones of her enemies.

Once the boy on the ground was disturbingly still, Sayaka stood and brushed off her skirt, her dark, calculating eyes scanned over the rest of the line. She zapped her taser twice in warning causing the remaining students to scatter and flee the scene.

“Oh my, Sayaka. Did you need to be so harsh?” Kirari teased, as if she hadn’t just subtly threatened a handful of high schoolers herself. She’d be lying is she said she hadn’t enjoyed the momentary chaos she had created.

“School hours are nearly over president. I was simply killing two birds with one stone.” Sayaka informed, still looking a bit miffed.

“Ah, so they are. Well then, far be it from me to hamper anyone’s holiday plans.” Kirari looked around at the remaining students and made a shooing motion with her hands, clearly bored, “Leave.” The students knew better than to complain, not directly in front of the president at least. (Y/n) moved to follow the crowd but Ririka grasped her by the bicep, keeping (Y/n) glued to her spot. Ririka was not going to let her slip away, not without returning the favor. Once the students were pushing out of the gymnasium doors, Kirari turned back to Sayaka, her eyes glimmering. “Sayaka, accompany me to the student council room. I would love a hot cup of tea. You always prepare it so well.”

“Yes, president!” Sayaka nodded, falling in step behind Kirari as she took a different exit.

“That was, something.” (Y/n) laughed, rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, “I better get lost now before I overstay my welcome. Um, thank you again, vice president.” (Y/n) moved to pull away but Ririka held on tighter, making her classmate’s skin grow warmer. “Vice president?”

Ririka looked around at who was left loitering in the gymnasium and rolled her eyes. She may not have gotten chocolates for (Y/n), but she was surely going to make up for it before the day was over. Ririka just needed to get away from all these people first. She tugged (Y/n) along to the gym storage room and blushed as Runa laughed and pointed at her. She pulled (Y/n) inside the storage room and closed the door behind them.

“(L/n),” Ririka’s distorted voice crackled to life behind her mask, causing (Y/n) to jump. (Y/n) had never heard her speak before. “Do you like anime?”

“I- yeah I like anime?” (Y/n) blinked, she clearly had no idea where this could possibly be going.

“Do you like pizza?” Ririka persisted, the modulator making her sound much more severe rather than excited.

“Sure, I like pizza vice president.” (Y/n) answered taking a cautious step back as Ririka stepped forward, effectively cornering herself.

“Would you...” Ririka’s hand quivered as she lifted it to her face, (Y/n) tracked the movement, a look of bewildered wariness upon her face as she waited with bated breath for whatever was to come next. Ririka pulled the mask off her face, blushing as (Y/n) grew more shocked, awed, and confused. “Would you like to come to my house to watch anime and eat dinner?!” Ririka squeaked, her face growing hotter after every word that left her mouth.

“But— how? You... we were.. and you were, and then you?” (Y/n) babbled looking between Ririka and the door, weakly pointing between the two. Ririka starred at (Y/n) oddly then smacked her hand over her eyes and laughed feebly at the misunderstanding.

“I’m not Kirari. We’re twins. I’m Momobami Ririka.”

“Twins? Oh,” (Y/n) suddenly looked very relieved, “I thought for sure Igarashi was going to pop out and strangle me with a jump rope or something. Twins, wow! How have I never guessed?”

“Do not tell anyone!” Ririka warned. “No one is supposed to know yet!”

“I won’t tell!” (Y/n) raised her hand and made a gesture of zipping her lips. “Your secret is safe with me, vice president!”

“Well, good.” Ririka replied awkwardly. “So do you want to...?”

“Oh, yeah!” (Y/n) cleared her throat, “Yes, that sounds like fun, thank you for inviting me.”

Ririka smiled, “Excellent.” She fitted her mask back over her face and led (Y/n) out of the storage room by the hand. “Come with me.” the distorted voice commanded.

Ririka dragged (Y/n) down the hall and the feeling was near euphoric. The grin taking over her face was fighting to be as wide as the one covering her mask when (Y/n)’s hand grasped hers just as tightly.

***

“That’s odd...” Sayaka murmured staring down into the courtyard from the student council window.

“What’s odd, Sayaka?” Kirari asked, tone light and playful as she hugged her secretary from behind, resting her chin on Sayaka’s shoulder.

“President!” Sayaka blushed, wiggling in Kirari’s hold. “I just, I didn’t realize the vice president had a girlfriend is all.” Sayaka explained, pointing to the two girls jogging up to an expensive, black car.

“Oh?” Kirari was just as bemused as she was confused, not that she would allow her face to show it. Watching her sister usher a girl she recognized as a classmate of theirs into the back of the car before Ririka followed in after her and closed the door. Soon after, the car pulled away from the curve. “How interesting.” She would have to confront Ririka about this at a later date, but for now she had a secretary to shower with affections. “Sayaka, this chocolate is delectable. Would you like a taste?”

“I think I would. Thank you, president.”

Kirari smirked, removing one of her arms from around Sayaka to pluck another chocolate from the box while Sayaka turned to face her. Sayaka naively held out her hand, then spluttered when Kirari placed the chocolate on her own tongue and pulled Sayaka closer.

***

“Oh! I remember this episode, it’s so good Ririka, you are going to love it!” (Y/n) was practically vibrating in her spot on the couch.

“Really? I’m looking forward to it.” Ririka smiled between bites of pizza.

Hopefully they could make a habit of this. Who knows, maybe she and (Y/n) would actually pass up Kirari and Sayaka in terms of pursuing a romantic relationship at a reasonable pace. Ririka cautiously leaned her shoulder against (Y/n)’s and she received a kind smile that enveloped her more warmly than the snug blanket over her lap.

Best Valentine’s Day ever.

[alirhi]

...goddess help me...

This fucking episode. *deep breath* This... This episode is where I'm expecting to get some serious hate. Let me just get this out of the way right up front:

I. Hate. Zemo.

I do not find him sympathetic, or funny, or charming. I find him creepy and annoying. I did not like him in CA:CW and I do not like him in TFATWS. If you are pro-Zemo, you are not going to like my version of this show from here on out. Just find something else to read and don't bother me about it. You've got the actual canon, so go enjoy that.

Got it? Good. Now, on to the main event!

Episode 3: The Power Broker

First of all, Sam doesn't let Bucky walk in there alone. No matter Bucky's (flimsy and nonsensical) argument, Sam's like "hell no. I go in with you, or you don't go in." The main reason for this isn't to keep Bucky from breaking Zemo out of prison (with decent writing, he would never do that) - it's so that Sam witnesses Zemo taunting Bucky with/about the trigger words. because Zemo is a piece of shit.

Since he doesn't know the full story, Sam is confused, but he files this interaction away to ask Bucky about later. He's listening to Zemo acknowledging that Bucky was "not conscious for most of [his] imprisonment" (which, yes, clearly refers to the time he spent frozen, but can also mean while he was under their control as TWS/"The Asset" - also, key word: imprisonment) and when he calls Bucky a means to an end, Sam scowls, looking ready to go off on him, but he waits. They've got more important issues.

Neither of them entertains the thought of breaking Zemo out for even a nanosecond. He does that shit himself. And literally the only reason I'm sticking with him getting out at all is because I want to address some truly egregious moments linked directly to him in the show. Zemo makes them think he's setting them on the trail when really he's just sending them to his motor pool. Bucky and Sam are confused until they see Zemo in his stolen guard uniform, then they're both angry and want to ship him right back to prison, but he strikes a deal with them: "My help for my temporary freedom. Creating super soldiers cannot be allowed to continue; let me finish my work, and then do with me as you will." He has no intention of going quietly back to prison, obviously, and they're not stupid enough to believe otherwise, but they believe they can keep him on a short leash, so they agree for now. Anything to bring down the Flag Smashers and whoever created them.

After the title, we cut to Raynor on the phone in her office. She's agitated, fiddling with things on her desk. "No, sir," she's practically growling, "it was disrupted. - Walker did! - It's not my fault your new attack dog got off-leash!" She pauses, huffs, and says more calmly, "No. Of course not. I'm sorry. - Well, I don't see how, with the new Cap strutting around barking orders! - What am I supposed to do? Tell Captain America in front of a dozen witnesses that he can't have his predecessor's favorite pet because we're not done reprogramming him? I didn't see that going over too well. I made a call. - No. No, no, no, we can still use him. The work's not finished, but he still trusts me. He'll be back." A pause as she listens. Angry again, she snaps, "What do you want me to do, shove a tracker up his ass? He'll be back, and we'll pick right back up where we left off! - Don't worry, sir, the Asset will be fully compliant and ready to use soon. I'll make sure of it. - Yes, sir. You, too." She hangs up and tosses her phone on the couch, grumbling, "Dick."

Cut back to Sam, Bucky, and Zemo getting going on their trip to Madripoor. On the plane, Sam wants to talk to Bucky about what he's learned so far, but doesn't want to bring it up in front of Zemo... until the notebook incident reminds him that Zemo already knows more about Bucky than he does.

After Zemo's line about the list, Sam angrily corrects him: "You mean people HYDRA used The Winter Soldier to hurt." When Zemo shrugs and his response is basically along the lines of "what's the difference" Sam is like "oh hell no."

"Those words you were reciting at him," he reminds Zemo, "what were they, Russian? They clearly meant something. They were supposed to do something. What are they?" "Sam, let it go," Bucky pleads, unable to look at either of them. "It's nothing." "You wanna drown in your guilt, that's fine," Sam snaps, "but make sure it's for the right reasons." He turns back to Zemo, who's smiling at this exchange because he's a monster and thinks Bucky's suffering is fucking funny. "I asked you a question, Zemo. What did those words do?" "They activate the Winter Soldier programming," Bucky grudgingly admits. He doesn't want to talk about it, but he's sure as hell not going to let Zemo speak for him. "Or, they did, before the Wakandans got all that shit out of my head." "It's a shame," Zemo says with a smirk. "Imagine the possibilities that come with perfect obedience." "I think you mean 'slavery'," Sam growls, "and I think you're in the wrong crowd to be looking so pleased about it. Remember that we can send your ass back to prison any time." "Of course," Zemo agrees, but with an arrogant smile that shows he doesn't believe for a second that these two have any real power over him. Still, he bides his time and sits back quietly, watching Bucky fidget with the notebook. Sam turns back to Bucky, seeing his discomfort; he won't let the topic go, though, not yet. He just softens his tone. "So, they 'activated the Winter Soldier'? What exactly does that mean?" Bucky shrugs, still not looking up. "Pretty much what he said - perfect obedience. What little consciousness they left me between cryo and the chair was squashed down, locked away. And I did whatever I was told, exactly the way they told me to." It finally clicks. He'd had his suspicions before, of course, but now Sam gets it. Visibly horrified, he stares at this quiet, broken man, and finally sees the truth of what he'd been through for 70 years: "They stripped away your autonomy. Shit, Bucky, they didn't even let you be a person. That's..." He swallows, looking like he'll be sick any minute. "That's awful, man. I'm so sorry." When Bucky tries to shrug it off and downplay it again, Sam gets angry. "Look at me!" He waits; it takes a few seconds, but Bucky reluctantly looks up and is surprised to see just how upset Sam is on his behalf. "It wasn't your fault. None of it. When Steve said you didn't have a choice, I had no idea... You really, truly had no choice; not even the ability to choose. That's horrifying." "I doubt it would make much difference to the people he's killed," Zemo points out snidely. "Or their families. Let's ask Tony Stark, shall we?" "You shut the hell up," Sam growls. He watches Bucky flinch and make that face - the face he's starting to really fucking hate - that says he agrees with Zemo. Bucky still can't see things the way Sam does; he still feels the guilt and shame, and even when he himself pointed out his lack of agency under HYDRA, it didn't click for him that Sam is right, not Zemo.

It's too much, too soon. Sam sees that and decides to change the subject, to give Bucky some time to process. He nods at the notebook, and they have their little Marvin Gaye debate, where Sam is over the top about it on purpose, because Bucky needs the distraction.

Of course, Zemo ruins it by opening his big mouth again and reminding Bucky of more trauma: his time fighting in WWII. That's why Sam latches onto the bit about Madripoor; to keep the focus not only on the task at hand, but off of Bucky's past that he clearly still can't cope with.

"James... You will have to become someone you claim is gone." Sam is officially ready to throw Zemo out a window. 😂 The only reason he doesn't jump to Bucky's defense again and basically tell Zemo to fuck himself (in a PG-13 way 🙄) is because Bucky's, as Sam pointed out in ep2, a grown-ass man, and because he's just learned how few decisions this poor man has been able to make in his life. Sam doesn't want to come across as another "handler," deciding everything for him, even if he does think this plan is stupid and needlessly cruel.

At the bar, when asked if he wants "the usual", Sam just casually waves the bartender off like "nah". Zemo already said they had business to attend to, so it's not like anyone would be suspicious that now's probably not a good time to be doing weird shots lol. (wtf even was that? I'm not sure I want to know, but...what part of the snake did he drop into that drink?)

Sam's not an idiot (I'm really so sick of this trend of turning intelligent characters into morons because the writers can't think of any other way to move their plot along) so his cell phone has been off this whole time. No sudden call from Sarah to put them all in danger. There was really no point to that, anyway; Sharon likely would have killed Selby for talking about Nagle with or without the excuse of "saving" Sam and Bucky. I mean, it's not like they know who fired that shot, ever.

"They cleared the Bionic Staring Machine," Sam still jokes, but he follows it with, "and they think he's a mass-murderer." "They think?" Sharon stares at him incredulously. "Didn't he kill pretty much everyone he's ever met?" "Wow." Sam glances back at Bucky. "She really is awful now." To Sharon, he adds, "You met Steve; do you really think he'd have defied 117 countries to protect someone evil?" "He did it for Bucky," she points out. "Let's face it - Bucky could blow up half the planet, and Steve's loyal-to-a-fault ass would still take a bullet for him." "You know I'm sitting right here, right? I can hear you." "Look, I don't think you're evil, Bucky," Sharon assures him. "But I know you killed a lot of people for HYDRA." "I'm not denying it." "He didn't have a choice," Sam snaps, glaring at them both. "But we're not getting into that right now. My point is, the government's afraid of Bucky, and they still pardoned him. All you did was steal something. I'm sure they can be persuaded to see reason." "The day the US government sees reason," Sharon quips, rolling her eyes, "is the day I sprout real wings and fly off into the sunset." "Careful, Icarus," Bucky mocks with a smirk, "the sun and brand new wings don't exactly go together." Then he shrugs and glances at Sam. "But she's not wrong."

At the party that night, it takes a few minutes (grumpy old man Bucky's not sure how to feel about the music lol) but a peek of pre-war Bucky comes out to play: they were told to "blend in", so he dances. At first he's just bobbing around alone looking stoic and out of place, but soon he's smiling and dancing between two attractive people - one male, one female. Sam is surprised, but before he can tease him for it, Sharon comes to get them all. Even she's a little "wait what?" at Bucky having a little fun lol. (recovery is not linear, guys. trauma doesn't mean "perpetually miserable, no fun, doesn't even know how to smile." in my TFATWS, Bucky gets his lighter moments; real ones, not humor at his expense)

When they find Nagle, Bucky's the one who notices and opens the secret door, while Sam keeps an eye on Zemo. Bucky catches Zemo trying to grab that gun; closes the drawer on his hand before opening it and taking the gun away. "Nice try." Nagle tries to get away while there's only one person watching him, but Sam catches him and forces him back into his seat. With a bruising grip on the back of Zemo's neck, Bucky drags him back over to where he and Sam can both keep an eye on him. Nagle is killed in the shootout as they're trying to escape; Zemo still runs off, blows shit up, and comes back with the stolen car so he's not totally useless.

I had no problem with Zemo being the one to kill Nagle; Nagle was the worst and def had to die, and Zemo has never had an issue killing anyone. Where I took issue with this scene was Bucky and Sam being dumb enough to let Zemo wander and get his hands on a gun. Nope. Not happening.

Anyway, shootout! Explosions! Funny banter! The seat thing, which is my favorite nod to CW ever lol... And then the conversation on the plane...

"You okay?" "Yeah." Sam sighs. "Just thinking." "About how to get Sharon that pardon you dangled in front of her?" He shakes his head. "About how Nagle referred to 'The Winter Soldier Program" like it was some kind of after school club; like you weren't standing right there. And 'the American test subject' like... Like Isaiah wasn't even a real person." He turns to face Bucky, looking angry and weary. "Makes me wonder how many times... How many times are we gonna run around in the same circles before people learn? And how many people need to get crushed underfoot in the meantime?" "Did you really just equate me with Isaiah?" Bucky frowns, not sure how to react to that. "That man is a hero." Sam opens his mouth to say something, but his phone goes off and Zemo approaches at the same time, effectively cutting off their conversation.

When they get to Riga and Zemo tries to guilt trip them over Sokovia, Bucky deadpan reminds him, "Neither of us were involved in that fight." "I doubt you'd have been much help if you were." He shrugs. "Probably not. But I like to save my guilt for events I was actually present for. It's a thing." Zemo laughs. "Fair enough."

Bucky goes on his walk, and meets up with Ayo.

[dean-you-assbutt-cas-loves-you]

I saw in your tags that there’s some old destiel fic you like on ffn. Do you have any recs ? :)

omg I haven’t been on there in years! like last time I read anything on there was like in 2014 lmao xD

32 fics total - I just checked and all of them are still up...there’s like 30+ more that I bookmarked that isn’t on the list cuz I’m not sure if they’re destiel fics or not so I gotta re-read them

all the ones below are fics that I’ve recced before in the past

1. All Angels Need Their Wings - RATING: NC-17 | LENGTH: 29,784 (2012)

Dean never thought that Castiel would ever return. And when he did, he came in a very unexpected way, a very horrifying way. SLASH Castiel/Dean. Wing-Kink. Takes place in season 7. AU.

2. Heart Trouble - RATING: NC-17 | LENGTH: 74,320 (2011)

Dean's having a harder and harder time of denying what he feels for a certain blue-eyed friend of his. And it's making him a little ornery, and a lot confused.

3. It Hurts - RATING: NC-17 | LENGTH: 29,963 (2013)

Inspired by the S9 Trailer Cas had watched the angels fall and with them, his self worth. Now human facing the challenges of navigating mortality he also tries to find a place for himself in this new world. It is a hope he has to find without the Winchesters, without Dean. So now he runs, from both Heaven, Hell and from Dean. 

4. Small Problem - RATING: NC-17 | LENGTH: 13,310 (2011)

A cursed artifact has made Castiel miniature, it's amusing for the Winchesters at first until they realize he might stay that way forever. Slash Dean/Castiel Please R&R

5 My Broken Angel - RATING: M | LENGTH: 24,999 (2010)

When Castiel disappears from his vessel, Dean is concerned. But when Castiel reappears and seems to avoid him, Dean is heartbroken. Set mid-season 5. 

6. A Hand - RATING: M | LENGTH: 23,474 (2010)

Dean/Cas, multichapter, slight AU. Dean's busy trying to re-soulify his brother, but Cas needs help. Maybe it's time Dean gave it to him. Ch. 15: Dean glared indignantly. "I find the term 'lovebirds' to be offensive. We prefer to be called 'sex-falcons.'" 

7. Saving Grace - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 38,602 (2010)

With everything that was going wrong in Dean's life, it took him a while to realize that the person close to him that really needed the most help was Castiel. 

8. Candy - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 98,068 (2013)

The Fall from Heaven changed everything. The supernatural no longer hidden. Angels roaming the planet. Sam and Dean's immediate concerns were on a smaller scale. What do you do with the former King of Hell? Where is Castiel?... Destiel/Mute!Human!Cas/Angst!Dean

9. Dude, Dean Looks Like a Lady - RATING: M | LENGTH: 20,774 *gen/pre-slash* (2013)

Sam's good, Cas has been found, and demons everywhere seem to be on hiatus. Seems like things are looking up for Team Free Will that is until Dean wakes up with his very own vagina anyway. Warnings: Fem!Dean, Destiel, female masturbation and S8 spoilers.

10. Evil Intent, Trials of Love, & Finding My Angel - RATING: NC-17 | LENGTH: 36,729, 70,453, & 59,941 *rape, graphic torture, violence* (2009)

Anna rapes Castiel and uses a method that torments him more than anything imaginable. WARNING: Rape and Castiel/Dean makes sense when you read it . If you don't like then don't read!

11. Cascade - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 44,626 (2013)

"And if you fall as Lucifer fell, you fall in flames!" An 8x23 coda. 

12. Count The Cracks, Hear The Shatters, Feel The Insanities - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 44,626 *gen/pre-slash* (2013)

They've walked miles on gravel roads that led to hell and back but the journey never quite ends. This is the story of Castiel and the Winchesters after the angels fell from heaven. Post Season 8. 

13. Damn Straight & Wait Wait Wait - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: about 21,000 (2010)

Humorous Cas/Dean, with multiple POVs. Slight AU. Fluffy. Ch. 5: Sam sat in the Impala in the motel parking lot, praying that three and a half hours at the library had been long enough.

14. Entertaining Angels - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 43,659 *gen/pre-slash* (2008)

A strange boy shows up at Dean and Sam’s motel room. Maybe he needs help, or maybe he’s there to help them—they can’t quite tell. Spoilers through 4.10. Not an OC. 

15. Happy Friggin’ Valentine’s Day - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 22,771 (2010)

SLASH. It all started with Dean's perfectly healthy hatred of frivilous holidays and a much-coveted sack of dust. Poor Castiel doesn't fully understand 'romance' to begin with, and this crash course is most unwelcome. 

16. I’m Just a Love Machine - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 29,200 (2011)

The Impala finally gets the chance to love Dean back. The problem is, Castiel seems to be in its way. 

17. It’s The Great Destiel Shipper, Sam Winchester - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 49,641 (2012)

What's Sam really doing all that time on the computer? Fangirling. Over Chuck's Supernatural books. Now Wincest might be a bit too much to deal with, but Destiel he might be able to get on board with... Especially after being around the two people involved for three days straight. 

18. Pain in the Head - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 78,771 *character death* (2011)

It started out slow. "Since when do angels have headaches?" "Since they become human." Established Dean/Cas. Sort of AU. PG-13. Complete. 

19. Sleep in Heavenly Peace - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 45,517 *christmas fic* (2013)

Dean wants to have a nice, peaceful Christmas for once, but it seems like the universe won't let him. Dean/Castiel. Post-8.08 (Hunteri Heroici) AU. First in "Holidays With the Winchesters are Always Fun." 

20. The Shattered One - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 94,021 *grace mpreg* (2012)

When it struck Castiel, it dropped him out of the sky. He set down the first place he could find. He stood in a field in Switzerland, swaying on his feet and staring down at his body, dazed by what it had just done.

21. This Cupid Isn’t Stupid - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 41,572 (2012)

Dean receives a shock when he wakes up to discover Castiel has returned. Why is the angel suddenly back? Why have his powers dimmed? And.. Why are he and Dean joined together by an invisible rope!

22. Wild Horses, Cas - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 23,505 (2013)

(S8 Spoilers (story is set in S9), Sickfic! Destiel, Minor Sabriel). When Cas comes down with a bad case of Pneumonia it leaves Dean feeling more protective over his friend than ever, but will it also lead to Dean's admittance of his feelings towards his friend? 

23. Wrong - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 51,384 (2010)

Angels are not supposed to drop out of the sky into motel rooms, broken and beaten. They're not supposed to bleed like that. It was all wrong. 

24. The Reluctant Contestant - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 50,502 (2012)

AU When Gabriel is hired as a new host for a dating show, Cas has no choice but to follow his brother along as part of the camera crew. Forced at the last minute to be a contestant, he is shocked when Dean Winchester continually refuses to eliminate him. 

25. The Ugly Duckling - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 81,676 (2012)

Castiel: a nerdy, skinny thing with a crush on the the most popular guy in class. Being unpopular isn't easy and it's worse when the homophobic school figures him out. A small struggle to be noticed by his crush is turned into a huge struggle for himself and his dignity. But bullying can get the better of anyone. Slash. Destiel rated M for later chapters. 

26. Nameless - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 77,882 (2013)

AU. Everyone has the name of their soulmate written on their wrist at birth. Well, everyone except Dean Winchester. Complete. 

27. Cufflinks - RATING: M | LENGTH: 61,845 (2012)

The world is full of creatures that prey on humans. It is up to 'Hunters' to fight against the dark. Lucky Hunters rely on the help of angels they have bound to their service. Sam and Dean may be good Hunters, but they have yet to capture an angel. One day, Sam finds an angel and seizes the opportunity to bind the angel to himself. Little did they know what they were getting into. 

28. Angel Training - RATING: M | LENGTH: 95,700, Angel Training 2: Save Us - RATING: M | LENGTH: 76,888, & Angel Training 3: Uprising - RATING: M | LENGTH: 89,512 (2011)

In a world where angels are common and the most privileged or skilled people are able to own one; the world's angelic hierarchy is about to change when Dean Winchester receives a wild and recently caught angel.

29. Chasing Your Shadow - RATING: M | LENGTH: 92,077 (2012)

The prophecy says that when Castiel turns twenty-three winters old, a stranger will come into his life and bring a lot of suffering. But do prophecies always come true? Demon Dean/human Castiel AU 

30. The Holiday - RATING: M | LENGTH: 32,088 (2011)

Castiel and Sam are unlucky in both life and love, so they swap houses for the holidays. Both find the experience highly...interesting. Dean/Castiel Sam/Gabriel

31. And In Your Arms I Shall Find Shelter- RATING: M | LENGTH: 33,824 (2012)

Dean Winchester is a long forgotten painter who suddenly receives an order for a painting from a rich man - Crowley. He is about to start painting when Castiel - his personal reaper visits him. The main question is: Will Castiel give Dean enough time to finish the painting? 

32. Jar of Hearts - RATING: PG-13 | LENGTH: 127,192 (2013)

February being the supposed 'month of love' people seem to forget that it's also one of the coldest times of the year. Valentine's Day themed events in a cafe turned bar is how Dean managed the courage to speak to the locally famous singer and somehow score a date, a relationship, and a man he didn't deserve out of the deal. Destiel college/uniAU some Sabriel 

[bokunoheroanalysisforthefuture]

Chapter 6! And I’m at 70 followers already, which is hella hype, thank y’all for taking your time to read my rambling about all this stuff. Don’t feel shy to ask questions or whatever if you like; even if I can be a bit disjointed, it’s something fun to talk about, and as I get further in I can even get a better sense of how to answer them to the best of my knowledge.

Also, can I say I love this little intro profile to Izuku?

All the little tidbits about him are just so fitting! Though my one weird take on it is why it says his quirk is ‘TBD’... unless Hori was already planning for the developments to come from the Joint Training Arc and beyond. Or maybe just leaving himself room for those kinds of developments if he wasn’t quite set yet? 

Still, I think this was still the time period where Hori was thinking it was going to end after like, Kamino or something. With something like Two Heroes. 

Discord: It could have been a placeholder until Hori came up with a fake quirk name for Izuku to hide his quirk behind, aka Superpower. 

Anyways, without further delays, time to get into the chapter itself!

[No. 6 - What I Can Do For Now]

We dive right in with Ochako protesting how unfair this is. Aizawa notes that Japan is full of unfair things - natural disasters, highway pileups, rampaging villains. Heroes are the ones to correct that unfairness. UA is going to put them through the wringer for the next three years - as per the Plus Ultra motto.

(also, nice silhouettes of Midnight, Thirteen, and… I think Lunch Rush? The discord also suggested it might either be a proto-design for Vlad King, or just a background character who ended up scrapped/forgotten about.)

Aizawa calls them out to bring their best, saying that now it’s for real. Tenya thinks about it being a trial by fire, Katsuki thinks of his move as nothing, Ochako is shaking in determination, the rest of the class is focused, and Izuku is… still stressing. Also, these proto-designs:

I cannot even. Those horns. That HAIR. The lack of beak. It’s just so weird compared to their finalized designs. 

The first event gets off to a speedy start, Tenya zooming right through the 50-meter dash thanks to his Engine quirk. Aizawa thinks that that event was too suited to Tenya, and thinks about how he’ll handle the other events. Tsuyu wasn’t too slow, though, and the narrative doesn’t even try to introduce her quirk with how obvious it is - she’s a frog!

Ochako and Ojiro are shown next, and-

Ojiro, why the leaping? Someone suggested it might be a reference, but it could just be another early weird character thing being tried, I guess? I don’t even know, it’s just strange.

Next is Aoyama and Mina, with the latter with the curliest horns I cannot even. Aoyama also makes a move to show off his quirk, calling the others unimaginative as he rockets backwards along the track- and then falling flat before the goal and having to get back up on his feet to do so again, with Mina managing to pass ahead of him thanks to the acid under her feet. 

Aoyama is still sparkling as he explains how if he’d fired an instant earlier, his stomach would have exploded, which, fun! The rest of the class is like ‘what the fuck dude’, which is a mood. Aizawa thinks about how the kids are pushing their quirks to their limits and seeing how they’ve improved, he can guess what they can and can’t do, and how that will be linked to their creative use of their quirks. 

Meanwhile, Katsuki and Izuku are doing the sprint side by side, Katsuki taking on an absolutely feral expression as he uses his quirk to blast ahead, in the process starling and slowing down Izuku slightly.

Seriously, Katsuki’s faces are just. I can’t describe how much of a gremlin this child is. And this!

His thoughts immediately going back to Izuku right after determining how that use of his quirk worked for him. His being thoughtful about that force distribution suggests he didn’t use his quirk much practically before UA… which makes sense, producing explosions and then using it for movement purposes are two different things.

Also the bot giving Izuku a little ‘good job’ just touched my heart. Though it really sucks that Katsuki probably cost Izuku a few seconds with that move of his; luckily, Izuku still came in under his middle school record despite his setback, which is impressive! Aizawa isn’t impressed, though, and Izuku isn’t either, thinking about how even using his power once will wreck him, and how regulating it is easier said than done.

We descend into a short flashback, again to the beach, with Toshinori stating that the trick to regulation is sensation! With Izuku agreeing immediately, because he’s a fanboy. Toshinori notes that Izuku experienced 100% power, and Izuku notes that it really messed him up. Toshinori says that it should be easy, and asks how it felt. Because I can’t do this justice:

Izuku you little dumbass, I love you, but your ability to describe things leaves much to be desired.

In full seriousness, though, like, the kid might just be afraid of his own power, just from this moment right after the flashback:

But yeah, to catch up to this point, Toshinori tells Izuku to keep that image in his head for the last three weeks until school starts, and that control can’t be obtained overnight, but he believes Izuku can and will manage it! We get back to Izuku attempting the grip strength, thinking about not exploding the egg, and then he has that fun trauma flashback to the state of his body after the zero pointer, and is dismayed at his ‘lacking’ score of 56 kg - especially compared to Shouji’s score of 540 kg. 

WHAT IS THAT SERO DESIGN. What is that Mineta design????? Also why is THIS the first impression we get of Mineta. Him calling Shouji, or his quirk, or his strength, sexy,,, I think that’s just a case of weird translation, but still. 

Izuku is shown to come short in the next two events, getting more and more stressed as he fails to use his quirk at all. By the fifth event, Izuku is stressed about being out of options while watching Ochako literally get an infinity on the ball throw, because everyone else has at least one amazing record and the last events are ones he can’t use his quirk for in any meaningful way. 

He steps up to the circle, with Tenya noting that he’s not doing well, which in turn has Katsuki call out how he’s quirkless, so of course. Tenya is confused, asking whether Katsuki had heard about the entrance exam, which confuses Katsuki. Aizawa is already expecting Izuku’s next move, which is to charge up his whole arm and try to throw it as far as he can, while thinking about his mom and All Might and their support of him. 

We see Aizawa’s eyes snap open, flashing - and Izuku’s quirk fails, the ball barely hitting 46 meters. For a moment, Izuku is outright horrified:

God, poor kid. Izuku looks at his hands, swearing he was trying to use it, but Aizawa tells him that he erased Izuku’s quirk. In slightly more entertaining news:

Like a freaking schoolgirl. I can’t even, he cares about his kid so much. 

Aizawa explains how the entrance exam is ridiculous, and completely irrational if it lets ‘someone like you get in’. Which, fucking OUCH, I can’t imagine how much that had to hurt Izuku. Izuku, however, is more distracted with his realization that Aizawa is the pro hero Eraserhead, and how his quirk works… which is fucking impressive considering how much Aizawa would try to keep that information on the down low in order to maximize his effectiveness in taking out villains.

(Also, what a shot. Izuku’s imagination really is something.)

Wait, All Might, how did you get so close to the class so quickly, and how did no one notice you? Man be maxing stealth and speed somehow. Also, I love how the translation accidentally called Aizawa an ‘angler-type hero’, which I think was… not what was intended.

But yeah, most of the class hasn’t heard about the man, while All Might notes how Aizawa hates public appearances because it interferes with his work, and how he and Aizawa hardly see eye to eye.

Aizawa tells Izuku that he’s seen how the kid can’t control his quirk, and that he’d just be incapacitated again, before asking if he was hoping someone would step in to help afterwards. Izuku says it’;s not like that, while Aizawa’s scarf slips around him and drags him closer. Aizawa says that his plan would inconvenience others, then brings up All Might’s legendary rescue while also calling him hot blooded. 

Just, ouch, Izuku has to be feeling the pressure. I know he’s used to people doubting him, but this still can’t be fun so soon after he’s finally gotten himself some confidence in his right to be at UA. 

Aizawa finally closes his eyes and lets his power go, telling Izuku to give it another go, and to get this over with. Izuku is in a mental slump, muttering to himself about his options, while the class looks on. 

Aoyama what the fuck. Also Katsuki, you are about to be disappointed and blown away. Aizawa is curious as to how Izuku is going to fail out of his class while applying eye drops. Izuku’s muttering goes on as he thinks about how he can’t regulate OFA yet, and how everything is now hedging on this single throw, and how even All Might noted that it would take time to learn control. 

Izuku moves like he’s going to do a full power throw, and Aizawa is already declaring that Izuku has no chance. However, Izuku still isn’t pulling up OFA even as he moves through the motions of the throw, while thinking about how Aizawa is right; Aizawa realizes mid-sentence that something is different about this from Izuku’s last attempt. Even as the ball is just about to leave his hand, his quirk isn’t there, as he notes that he has to work harder than anyone else if he wants to get in. 

Toshinori is mentally cheering Izuku on, as Izuku mutters that he’ll give it his all in the smallest way - and pulls up OFA in just one finger at the last moment, sending the ball flying and his finger to the wringer. Katsuki is shocked, Aizawa is shocked as well, and Izuku’s finger is dripping blood. Aizawa realizes that Izuku didn’t use his full power, just concentrated it, while Izuku has Aizawa’ words echo in his head as he replies that he can still move. The last panel of the page has Aizawa looking like he’s close to laughing at how ridiculous the situation is.

And so ends chapter 6! Man, what a ride, and it’s not a shock that Izuku is still trying to be so cautious with his quirk at this point… in contrast with much, much later in the manga.

[p-artsypants]

I’ll Handle This (7)

I really just want to say thanks. I love this fandom, and I love this story…just the overwhelming excitement for this fic makes me so so happy. Everything that happens is really just me saying ‘whatever, I want to see this’. Does it make sense? Not always. Is everyone completely in character? Maybe. Am I having a blast? Absolutely! 

Thank you for all the comments and kudos! 

And sorry for the wait. Wedding planning! 

In Which Gabriel is Serenaded

(Ao3 | FF.net)

—

Day three, Adrien awoke on the pillow. He was used to it now, officially. How scary a thought! 

Plagg had laid out his outfit, thankfully so Adrien could approve, or at least warm up to the idea. 

It was one of the shirts that Marinette had Frankensteined together from the pieces they had found. Absolutely gaudy, atrocious, and a pain to look at. Stripes, polka dots, plaid, little patterns of flowers, all saturated as far top right of the Hue/Sat scale as possible. 

It would make his father cry. It would set the media into a frenzy. It was glorious, and that scared Adrien. 

It scared him that he was starting to come around. He was starting to enjoy this reckless abandon. It was cathartic to watch his world shift and change into something more chaotic, and yet somehow pleasant. Organized Chaos. 

Plagg came out of the bathroom, devoid of mohawks or any other bizarre hairstyle he could have done. His hair was just swept to the side, combed, but not gelled, into place. 

The perfect amount of wild. 

“You don’t have to wake up when I do.” Plagg stated. “I’ll just drop you in my pocket.” 

“It’s alright,” Adrien assured, yawning. “I’m used to waking up this early.”

Plagg dressed quickly, and just as he slid into his moccasins, the room glowed red, and heavy bars slammed shut over the windows. 

Both Adrien and Plagg jolted in surprise, Adrien falling into panic.

Plagg just scooped him up, and held him to his chest. “Hey kid, it’s alright. You can phase through things. You can escape if you need too.” 

This helped calm him down slightly, if ever so minutely. Plagg tucked him into his pocket, and confidently walked downstairs. 

Gabriel and Nathalie were waiting for him in the foyer. 

“What's the deal, old man?” Plagg asked, bluntly. “Akuma attack?”

“No,” replied Gabriel, his head held high. “You’re grounded. No school. No friends. Nothing.” 

Plagg scoffed. “I’m under literal house arrest?! Come on! I have a sleepover at Nino’s tonight!”

“Did you ask if you could attend this sleepover?” 

“No. You were going to say no anyways. Better to beg forgiveness then ask permission and all that.”

“Well, that really solidifies my decision to ground you then. You clearly show a clear lack of critical and mature thinking.” 

“Ah, a pompous way of calling me stupid, hmm?”

Gabriel frowned harder, a line forming at the corner of his mouth. “I am not calling you stupid. I just don’t see you making good decisions.” 

“Gabriel, before this, I wasn’t making any decisions. Everything I did was according to your will. How can you be mad at me at being bad at something I have no practice doing?” 

Gabriel’s eye twitched. “First, do not call me by my first name. Second, I have already made up my mind. If I say you’re grounded, then you’re grounded. Deal with it.” 

Oh that was not a good answer. He may have well just said, ‘because I say so.’ 

And Plagg would not stand for it. He wasn’t standing for it anyway, but he’d at least be willing to bargain with Gabriel if he was offering some excuse about safety for his well being or something.

This was just a power trip.

“Fine,” Plagg smiled maliciously. “Lock me in. But you’re locked in with me. And you’re going to hate it.” 

“I don’t have time to entertain you, Adrien, go to your room.” 

As a kwami who spent most days in Adrien’s bag, Plagg consumed a lot of media. A pair of headphones, an external battery, and a phone that connected to the school’s wifi, Plagg had days to binge all the things that Adrien was interested in. 

And some things that Adrien didn’t care about, like historical dramas, documentaries, and recently, musicals. Especially for time periods that he had witnessed and experienced. He wasn’t omnipotent, so seeing what the humans had thought was important during these periods was fascinating.

But I digress.

The point was that Plagg had a song stuck in his head from a musical and the perfect opportunity to use it had just presented itself.

Gabriel had deemed the conversation over and started to walk back to his office.

“Close every door to me,” Plagg sang, in Adrien’s sweet voice.

Gabriel halted, but did not turn around.

“Hide all the world from me.” Plagg took a step towards him, still singing softly. “Bar all the windows and shut out the light.”

Gabriel turned, raising an eyebrow. “If you think serenading me is going to make me change my—“ 

But Plagg cut him off, raising his voice slightly, “Do what you want with me, hate me and laugh at me.”

Gabriel just stared, and listened.

“Darken my daytime and torture my night…” Plagg came closer, singing with feeling, trying to convey, even for an instance, a flicker of the emotions that Adrien had.

“If my life were important I would ask ‘will I live or die?’ but I know the answers lie far from this world.”

This was horrifying to Gabriel, apparently, as he protested. “Of course your life is important! Why do you think I—“

“Close every door to me, keep those I love from me. Children of Israel are never alone.”

“Children of—what? We’re not even Jewish. What are you singing about?”

“For I know I shall find my own peace of mind. For I have been promised a land of my own.”

Confused, Gabriel just scoffed and started back to his office. Plagg stayed hot on his heels.

“Close every door to me, hide all the world from me.”

Even Gabriel saw the irony of slamming the office door in Adrien’s face, so he resisted, and let his son continue to serenade him into his office. 

“Bar all the windows and shut out the light.”

Gabriel stood at his workstation, determined to ignore his son’s weird emotional outburst, and opened his recent project. 

“Just give me a number instead of my name. Forget all about me and let me decay.”

Plagg fought the smile of victory when Gabriel hunched his shoulders. Was that guilt on his face? Perhaps Gabriel wasn’t as shallow as Plagg had thought and lyrics like this would get through to him. 

“I do not matter, I'm only one person. Destroy me completely, then throw me away.”

And Gabriel sat, staring with his wide gray eyes. His full attention on his son. 

“If my life were important I would ask ‘will I live or die?’ But I know the answers lie far from this world.”

Plagg pounded his fists on the workspace, crying out the words with passion, actually making Gabriel jump. 

“Close every door to me! Keep those I love from me!” He leapt up on a coffee table, putting his entire body, his very soul into this performance. “Children of Israel are never alone!”

Gabriel couldn’t move. Why couldn’t he move?

“For we know we shall find our own peace of mind! For we have been promised a land of our own!” He held out that final note, letting it hang in the air, as Gabriel continued to stare, mouth slightly open. 

Truth me told, Plagg was just intending to annoy him to freedom, but had the song choice done more? Did Gabriel finally understand? 

“Well,” Gabriel adjusted his glasses. “That was...certainly something. If I knew you could sing like that, I would have tried to find a use for it. Never mind, I’ll add it to your resume now.” 

No. It seemed that Gabriel was as stubborn and obtuse as ever. 

“Close every door to me,” Plagg began again. 

“No no no,” Gabriel spoke over him. “One performance is more than enough.” 

“Hide all the world from me.” 

“Adrien!” 

“Darken my daytime, and torture my night.” 

Gabriel groaned, and made an effort to ignore Plagg again. A real effort this time, with no eye contact and no facial expression. When that didn’t work, he moved from his workstation and went to grab Adrien. But Plagg evaded him, continuing to sing, with every grasp.

How many times did he cycle through the song? His throat hurt, as every time he reached the climax, he belted out the notes with passion. 

It would be surprising if no one outside could hear him. 

He climbed up on a table. “If my life were important I would ask will I live or die—“ 

“Enough! Shut up! Shut up shut up shut up!” Gabriel shouted. “I can’t take this anymore!” He bolted over to the security control panel, and shut off the lock down. The bars on the windows disappeared. 

“Go...please, just go.” Gabriel said desperately. 

“Cool, thanks dad!” Plagg said cheerfully, skipping out of the room. 

Gabriel collapsed onto his workstation. 

Whatever tricks Adrien had learned, whatever manipulation guru he had visited, he was good. Very very good. It would take a while to get him back under his thumb. And he might need to resort to more drastic measures. 

What was more drastic than putting the house into lockdown? He’d need a little while to contemplate that.

—

Plagg had missed several morning classes thanks to Gabriel’s stunt, but his friends heaved a relaxed sigh when he arrived.  

“Hey hey hey!” He sang, coming in the door. “What’s happening, party people?” 

“Mr. Agreste!” Miss Mendeleev barked. “You better have a good excuse for being tardy!” 

“A great excuse! My dad shut the house down to ground me, and I had to annoy him with Broadway until he opened up. He was a lot more patient than I expected.” 

“Are you serious?” Miss Mendeleev asked. 

“Madam, do you really think that my father, fashion mogul, would allow me to leave the house like this?” He gestured to his mismatched outfit.

“Point taken. You may take your seat.” 

Plagg shot a thumbs up to his friends. 

—

After school, the group of four piled into Nino’s family car and headed over to his house. 

“I’m so excited! My first sleepover!” The excitement was genuine, as this truly was Plagg’s first sleepover. Of course, his whole life had consisted in sleeping in different places that weren’t his home (the Miracle Box) but the concept of going to a friends house to eat food and gossip all night long was novel and exciting. 

“What curfew do you girls have?” Mrs. Lahiffe asked. 

“I have until 11,” beamed Alya. 

“I have to leave at 9,” Marinette pouted. “I have to help my parents in the bakery tomorrow.” 

It was also Ladybug’s solo patrol tonight, Plagg noted to himself. Kind of a saving grace, since Chat certainly wasn’t going to be on it. 

“I’ll be sure to count you both for dinner then!” Mrs. Lahiffe chirped. 

Adrien had been to Nino’s house a handful of times, all under the pretense of working on homework of course. And it wasn’t a house either, it was an apartment, like most residences in Paris. It was warm, not always clean, and the smell of their cat’s litter was just a hint in the air. 

Major Tom was a right good cat. An old gray tabby, who was far too wise for his own good. Plagg had met this family member in person, since the cat was still pretty curious in his age. 

As soon as the group of friends entered the apartment, Major Tom stretched and trotted toward them, toward Plagg, and rubbed against his leg. 

“Hi Tommy,” Plagg smiled, an inside joke passing between them. 

“I swear,” said Nino with defeat. “Major Tom likes you more than anyone else in this house...and you’ve barely met him.” 

Plagg just shrugged. “What can I say? I’m a pussy magnet.” 

“DUDE! My mom is right there!” 

Mrs. Lahiffe was not amused, but the furious giggling from behind him made it all worth it, he supposed.

“Sorry mom, Adrien’s going through a rebellious streak. He doesn’t usually make jokes like that.” 

“Yeah, sorry, Uh...I just couldn’t pass up the opportunity.” 

Mrs. Lahiffe shook her head. “I noticed your outfit was rather...daring. Is that from your father’s new collection?” 

“Nope! This is a Marinette original!” 

Marinette smacked him in the arm. “I told you not to associate me with that abomination!” She turned to Mrs. Lahiffe and quickly clarified, “He designed it and I carried out the deed.” 

“Oh you kids are so funny!” She laughed. “Well, you didn’t come over to entertain me! Go have fun, I’ll get pizza around 6?” 

“Thanks mom!” 

“Thanks Mrs. Lahiffe!” 

On the way to Nino’s room, he asked. “What movie do you guys want to watch tonight?”

Plagg grinned, “Have you ever seen Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat?” 

—

Chapter is kind of short, but I have delayed it long enough, and sleepover shenanigans need their own chapter.

The song Plagg sang was ‘Close Every Door’ from Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat.