#anyway yeah am tired and stressed
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Someone rainchecked an arcade date for this evening and I'm so damn frazzled from this week already that rather than being disappointed I'm just hugely relieved
#i know i should probably be disappointed but I do not have the energy i was just determined not to be the person who cancelled#work has just been a lot this week#plus the new property management company causing parking mishaps#and also catsitting for my friends 5 cats#stressing on getting my shit together to drive 10hrs both ways to my little sisters grad school ceremony next month#need to get car checked out so i don't break down halfway there or something#anyway yeah am tired and stressed#dating nonsense
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I am really tired of a situation rn.
#fe three houses#felix hugo fraldarius#me using felix on my angy days because he is my angersona? you bet!#anyway if you want to try to get someones money or something bc you hurt your own car banging into mine#can you try to be a bit more timely with it buddy come on you hit me on feb29 !#why am i getting your insurance company calling me today !#also i would like to point out i didnt do it and neither of us were hurt and i filed a claim with my own insurance comp#and also filed a police report bc he didnt even suggest calling the cops to the scene#so like yeah hey man maybe you and your insurance company can move a lil faster or smth#literally everything that happened the day of is - according to my dad - an intimidation tactic#i look like im 15 and he probably thinks he can take advantage of a new driver but ya know! tough luck!#im just really tired and stressed over multiple things not negative so getting this on top of it was like#bro .................... anyway my phone didnt pick up for some reason so i called back and then nothing got resolved#cause the person who actually called me wasnt around to connect the line to from the guy who answered#idk man just its a lot despite my v minimal energy#got a job interview on monday tho ! and then also next week is an eye exam#and you might be thinking isnt that a good thing to get your eyes checked? you are correct but i am horrified#there are two body parts that give me absolute anxiety and eyes are one of them#and i know my eye sight is declining and im just v anxious#its fine im going to be fine i just have to be anxious about it
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Lol. Lol. Lol.
#this is why i didnt want to move home 😂😂😂😂😂😂 being expected to cook and do the kitchen things#and not a single person cleaning in this house except for mom!!! = also me because i cant let my mother do all the work#anyway im tired lol!!!!! and i want to live with my 2 friends in the city#and meal prep together have my own space and not be subjected to more You should exercise comments#this is weight gained from depressive stress eating mom :-) i am Stressed and im trying not to cope this way but it is a process#anyway i miss my dorm i miss seeing 40+ people at meals i miss having the privacy to sing my heart out#i miss living in a small and manageable space i miss my FRIENDS i miss that boy (this is not a positive thing to miss admittedly)#i miss living right by the coffee shop that sells the Best Sandwich Ever and a honking good lavender vanilla latte#i also miss being able to fit into my favourite jeans. this is a self inflicted issue and it annoys me#anyway i am medium miserable and there is still a HECK TON of things to do#like unpack and go to the grocery store because its my father's birthday and ive committed#to cooking birthday dinner because birthday lunch was an unfortunate flop#o yeah also i miss having access to cheap obscenely strong black tea. that kept me going through finals#im only here a month before im off to my summer job which will be Away from here!! but darn it all its going to be a Month
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Got a 40 out of 44 for my work evaluation 💀
#im glad but im also so freaking tired LMAO#all the hard work paid off i guess or something dhdjhdd#u know that kind of feeling where you got so stress you just gave up and so when u got what u wanted it doesn’t felt as fulfilling#or sum#maybe its just me#idk wtf is this called but yeah 👍🏻 i am absolutely dead#had to visit the ED to get my eyes checked and then sat there doing my hw while the nurse jabs me with antibiotics#wild#anyways tomorrow will be a better day cuz im switching department#gummmyspeaks
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#I once made a joke to my students that even though I never worked out I was always mentally lifting weights#in the gym of my own mind.#and it’s been such a helpful metaphor#not to make an outrageous statement here or to overestimate how smart I am (often not very smart at all!)#but just. my brain gets use. it gets exploration. it has been honed.#if it had an embodied form (other than my body) yeah! it would be lifting weights!#and/or doing gymnastics lol (for a zeitgeist-y metaphor)#(actually I am legit so good at mental gymnastics)#but ANYWAY the point is: the metaphor struck me because it highlighted how little my brain gets a break#and again—it’s not all worthwhile or deep or insightful or GOOD. a lot of it is useless or downright silly mental activity#but it IS activity. it is mental motion. day in day out. and it is so so so so so so so hard for me to give my brain a break#or even know how to do that#and I am absolutely tearing mental muscles and getting whatever it is athletes get when they work out too hard#or too strenuously#to extend the metaphor to the limit#and I need !!!!!!! a rest day#vacations are almost worse tbh. I feel like I hit this point a lot in the summer#because school forces me to think about things but actually much more helpfully it forces me to stop thinking about things#and do something else. it’s thinking on a schedule lol#and so the breaks are just built-in#but on my own I’ll just go go go go go and fall down every rabbit hole and chase my own tail#and it’s so tiring#anyway it hit me the other day that I could actually set limits for myself#like I was thinking about something in the shower (as you do) and it was stressful#and then I was like you have until the end of the shower to think about this and then you have to stop#and it was super helpful. I need to do that more. but yeah.#I don’t know how to give myself a rest day because who knows what will set the brain off#I also Know it wouldn’t be as bad if it wasn’t all interwoven with anxiety. but anixey is very deeply interwoven with how my brain works#so stressfully going down a million thought paths#ANYWAY !!!!! it is 1;41 am and I can’t sleep!!!!!!!
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once again posting a reminder (very gently, when you consider how fucking frustrated i am) that i am anti-kff! there are otherkin terms that people can use and, instead of educating themselves on this, they actively CHOOSE to belittle and bully otherkin folks, all while being a teensy tiny little bit ableist in how they go about it. its not a "erm these people are just minding their business and they're ALSO kin anyway" NO they are NOT. they are, by very fucking definition, either 'hearted or 'link (IF their connection is genuine ANYWAYS). that is NOT. KIN. and its kinda fucking telling if you think a community whose entire existence hinges on deliberate ignorance and harassment of a group is equal to the group theyre harassing and bastardising the terms and experiences of
#am i making ANY FUCKING SENSE#i swear to GOD#"dni antikin (this includes anti-kff) no the FUCK it does NOT#because kff ISNT. KIN#JESUS FUCKING! CHRIST!!!#kff “kins” are LINKTYPES and HEARTTYPES most often (again. if theyre not just being hashtag quirky on the internet)#also please please fuck off if you use the word “k/nn/e” i dont even care if you arent kff just. please go away#im stressed as balls man i dont like having to think about shit that stresses me out and annoys me but here i am! thinking about it!#this isnt directed at anyone btw i just keep seeing “omg this character is one of my biggest kins (kff)” and im so fucking tired of it#its mainly on tiktok anyways so im kinda shouting at air but fuck off#and like even when i see other ACTUAL otherkin/nonhuman/alterhuman folks say “oh yeah i 'kin' this character for fun”#it makes me so aggressively uncomfortable cause just. use 'link' man#use 'click' or 'heart'#stop Doing That cause thats not a fucking kintype and you are contributing to the problem (though minorly compared to other stuff)#theres also this one server wherein people would act and talk about their hearttypes as if they were kintypes despite outright saying -#- THEMSELVES “oh yeah this is a hearttype”#do you know what a fucking hearttype is?#are you stupid?
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I have found a beautiful perfect humble rock specimen that is light yellow with a weird dark yellowy brown lining, somewhat resembling a chunk of smoked gouda cheese... effervescent
#I am still very into trash collecting at the moment and even went out and got one of those grabby sticks for cheap and a little#bucket I can carry around and put trash in. so I am going on walks in nature a bit more (not really to enjoy nature but more to play the#very fun Real Life Hidden Object Point And Click Game that is 'hunt for bottle caps and cans' .. but eh.. whatever gets me out of the#house lol).. anyway.. some nature places near water will have cool rocks#Which I know you're not supposed to take them and I MOSTLY dont.. but every once in a while it's like... when else will I ever find a#gouda rock... I have cleaned up 4 buckets of trash today.. I have helped the environment.. mayhaps.. i could take a One Single Rocke as a#treate... ANYWAY. but yeah. I don't know the names of rocks but there's a rock that's a matte muted marigold yellow sort of#color and I call them 'cheese rock'. I'm pretty sure this one is of the 'cheese rock' species but it just has weird brown coloration#like maybe it got stained or something on one side of it. Most of the other cheese rocks have no markings. though sometimes there will be a#auburn reddish sort of hue on a corner or something.. hrmm.. curious. I also got a Beginner's Hobby rock tumbler and some supplies#so I might try polishing some of the rocks from my enormous rock collection. even though they're all street rocks I picked up from sidewalk#and stuff. I saw a video where someone put random gravel and stuff in a rock tumbler and none of them were Stunning Gems or whatver#but some still turned out cool enough that I would be pleased with the result... OUgh.. I want to post more I need to like do costumes and#sculptures and stuff and be Active On Social Media and think about my Future and Career and how it always benefits artists to keep an#active social media or etc. but I just feel so tired and bad lately. I think the summer heat waves have really exhausted me. I also have#been trying to make new friends + on a weird schedule so I've been socializing and also watching media too much. I notice I always start#to feel this kind of unsettled stress of not making any forward progress in my life if I do that for too long. like 'Okay this week I've#done nothing but meet up with two friends & watch like 10 episodes of tv and only worked on a few projects on the side.. this is HORRIBLE!'#(ppl who follow me here that I talk to on discord: this isn't about you! Im specifically just referencing being tired of introductory talks#with a new round of random strangers during my Friend Hunt. Just clarifying so it couldn't be misinterpreted as vaguepost implying that I'm#secretly bothered by talking to you or etc. lol.. anyway) . Which I know to MOST people 'I talked to a lot of friends and watched some cool#stuff!' sounds like a GOOD relaxing time but.. to me it is not ghhj.. Those are 'external' focuses on things outside myself which bothers#me if not moderated. Like.. i MUST retreat internally to work on my worldbuilding and my own thoughts and etc. at very regular intervals or#it will really start to bear on me too much. Brain Mandated Hermit Isolation lol. Just being too detached from my world and stuff for#too long feels increasingly bad. PLUS. every day I don't make tangible progress towards my goals is a day wasted that I could have been#investing in my future by working on novels/games/sculptures/actual career relevant stuff. Not even in a Capitalism way i just genuinely#enjoy Completing Tasks & feel miserable if I don't for too long. EVEN the media I'm watching I turn into A Task since I rank in a detailed#google doc list after viewing lol.. Like EW movie too boring on it's own. NEED to turn it into something I can categorize and analyze ghghj#LOVE to make things more complicated than they need to be. like YAAAY organizational tasks! yaay meticulous sorting!! BOO ''mindless fun''!
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had a class this morning
had to read/respond to a 15 page essay
had to pick up music for my pit gig next month
practiced for an hour
first symphony orchestra meeting for 90 minutes
just lugged my bass up a flight of stairs
and i have a lesson in an hour
do yall think i have time for a nap real quick.
#i Also have some events tonight but one of em is a fun thing that im going to for like an hour#the other one is like. High stress but only for 15 minutes.#at some point i need to have dinner i guess. idk when thats gonna happen.#constance speaks#anyway yeah i have Time for a nap and i have this bench to myself. but i also have my bass with me.#and i dont want to be just like. asleep with my bass just sitting there.#so. yeah. thats my day so far.#mostly good things but it is Quite hot today and i am Tired.#oh frick i need to send Two texts.
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i kind of need to be like skinned or put into a meat grinder or something . lol .
#personal#vent#vent in tags#maybe i can just boil myself alive instead#im so SICK of being the one to be actively concerned with all my friends' health & having to tell them to take care of themselves#'yeah i threw up from a hangover on the way here and i havent eaten in like 3 days and i dont do anything other than work and sleep'#ARE YOU FUCKING WITH ME#'i only shower once a week' we can tell 'and i dont ever use shampoo. and im still surviving off a diet of just top ramen and dr pepper'#MY BROTHER IN CHRIST. TAKE BETTER CARE OF YOURSELF#'i havent made a doctors appointment for this possibly life threatening issue yet' im actually going to start sobbing .#IM NOT. MAD AT ANY OF MY FRIENDS TO BE CLEAR#but god its so fucking tiring. to be one of maybe two people to actually go 'hey that is really concerning please take care of yourself'#and then i cant fucking. take care of myself & i dont have the energy to think about my friends health anymore and i feel bad about it#i am NOT the pinnacle of health. but got damb !! if ur gonna not take care of yourself please do not tell me about it i get so so worried#& then my mother . god. waves vaguely at any interaction i have with her. doesnt make it any better#im so sick i need out of this house & out of this town get me outta here ! id thrive in pokemon put me in the pokeverse or some shit PLEASE#if ur the one person who i mentioned in tags thats also on tumblr pls pls know i am not mad at you im just so stressed always#& i care for u so deeply & it worries me so bad that u/ur family havent made more progress towards getting the issue solved .#(u probably won't see this post anyways but if u do. i just want it to be clear)#ANYWAYS it just crazy how i can bounce so rapidly from 'im not even human' to 'i am Too human'. and iam so so sick .of it.#if a single customer even makes eye contact with me at work tomorrow im going to gnaw my left pinky off in front of them i stg
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me when it’s the week before my period:
#I’M TIRED OF THIS SHIT!!!#why is this week worse than my period#like as soon as I get my period??? everything’s fine#but that week and a half before??? category five extinction event for my mental health#and I’m so tired and drained and so angry all the damn time#tired of this#anyway#we ball 😤#(I am in tears)#the best part is when you go to the doctors and they’re just like oh well are you eating?#sleeping? you’re a student so you’re probably stressed about exams#so you should be fine there’s nothing really wrong#…thanks doc yeah it’s so normal for me to imagine a world where I don’t exist#it’s so normal for me to lie awake thinking about what would happen if I just peaced out of this mortal plane#haha but yeah I guess I’m stressed about exams!! :P#but ANYWAY I’m fine. I’m okay. don’t worry.#just needed a rant because whew it’s been a day#mini rant warning#vent post#ramblingeyes
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snow white looks bad this, moana 2 that. the real question is who in the world wanted a live action mufasa or lilo and stitch movie
#i’m going to bed but i’m going to complain on the internet first and immediately regret it. But like#the mufasa thing just makes me mad. no one asked and it makes no sense to do this.#but STITCH???#one of the Staples of childhood and one of the best animated d*sney movies imo#nothing will top those opening scenes for me. the music! the colors! then the storyyy#but the thing that makes me angry about this one is that live action stitch IS really cute. so diss knee can be like Hell yeah we’re -#raking in our coin with merchandise like we always do!!!! Who cares if our movies are good look at this creature!! You love him and more -#importantly your kids will recognize him on shelves heehee aren’t we so cool!!!!#the state of art and entertainment and capitalizing on recognizable IP is depressing me this fine evening#i think we should do more of what the fall guy did. that was so frickin good. an adaptation of a classic show but a fresh take -#AND jody was adapting a low budget sci fi movie from the 80s to match her wild and silly and spectacular vision#like THAT’S entertainment to me!! we can recognize stories that made us and have all these influences and still make something -#with depth and nuance that isn’t a slap in the face to viewers and that succeeds anyway because of course it will#Anyway ! no one cares to read this probably but i actually am happy that i ended up circling back to the fall guy. i wasn’t planning to LMA#let’s go fall guy my beloved the fall guy#jess.txt#i’m stressed and tired okay let me have this
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GOOD DAY EVERYONE, HAPPY EL WOO WOO WEDNESDAY! I haven't been tagged and I didn't have anything to share. In fact, I was feeling Pretty Bad, but then I got hit by a sudden Moment of Inspiration and I wrote 480 words for The Class Menagerie, which, compared to earlier progress reports, is huge and I want to share that!
Have some Kurt lore:
“How did you get into teaching?” Blaine asks. Kurt lets out a sigh. It isn’t a big marvellous story. Teaching wasn’t his dream growing up, but that is fine. Sometimes you work hard on something, only to realise that it isn’t what you want after all. That’s what happened to Kurt. He was enrolled in a drama school, but he wasn’t feeling it. This only stressed him out, because he’d worked hard to be accepted into the school. He thought that acting on stage was his dream, so it really messed him up when he realised that it wasn’t true. Still, he saw no way out. He was committed to finishing his degree. Then in his second year he had to do an internship and he did it at a school. He helped out in a drama department and it was as if the clouds in his head parted. He realised that he was still young and that he had his life ahead of him, so he made the big decision to quit drama school to learn to become a teacher. During that time, he realised he preferred the pre-school age. “And here I am,” Kurt wraps up his story.
I am still not finished and I hope (HOPE!) to have finished it on the 30th, so that I can post it within the posting period, but I am carefully and yet totally obviously planting the seed here that I might not make it. I did revise my plans for the ending, but alas, I don't know the concrete plans. But it's a-going!
As usual, have a Mimi:
And now, the weather: @quizasvivamos @blurglesmurfklaine @coffeegleek @otherworldsivelivedin @caramelcoffeeaddict @sillyunicorn @dragoneggos @raenestee @tectonicduck @nightimedreamersworld @urban-sith @thnxforknowingme @captain-aralias @you-remind-me-of-the-babe @justgleekout @cerriddwenluna @tea-brigade @ivelovedhimthroughworse @bookish-bogwitch @confused-bi-queer @aroace-genderfluid-sheep @1908jmd @special-bc-ur-part-of-it @larkral @cutestkilla @wellbelesbian @artsyunderstudy @martsonmars @facewithoutheart @shrekgogurt @rockitmans @bitbybitwrites @blackberrysummerblog @whatevertheweather
#wip wednesday#tagged in#basically i am happy i got some writing down#these days i am just so tired#like i havent even attempted any audio editing in weeks even tho jenna made me that video cause i an tired#like i haven't been doing well for almost 3 weeks now#cause of all the aforementioned stress caused by my current degree#i am just so busy and then once i am done in the evening i just play viddy games#cause that feels the easiest#i wanna draw and read and write but i am just Tired#and that feels like more energy cause i am currently playing (and enjoying) a very cosy game#oh and splatoon which does occasionally makes me want to tear my hair out#but that is splatoon#but yeah i am stressed but still comfortably dressed and i even ordered a second hand ring fit adventure in order to release stress#trying to manage my stress yada yada#and around 8pm - 9pm i tell myself i need to be done with study stuff unless i really cannot afford it#so that i have the evenings off so that i can hopefully decompress#ANYWAY#that is life#god i wish i had a mimi to cuddle
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trying not to self diagnose because that doesn’t really do much good but also spending years experiencing Symptoms and relating to people who actually have been diagnosed with the things I’m afraid I may or may not have
#this goes for both mental and physical things by the way#isn’t that fun lmao#but I go to the doctor and I’m like ‘yeah all good 😀’#but being honest means going through more hell to get appointments and get people to listen to me but also means I have to talk and#make time for said appointments that feel impossible to get and it makes me more stressed than I already am#like my routine ultrasounds that I did for two years were hell on earth and I’m technically ‘fine’#everything I wanted to be tested for is so much more difficult#I have health insurance again so maybe I should but also…#I don’t want to I’m tired and scared what the fuck#anyway!!!
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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You know how in mob psycho you can see the percentage counter for how close mob is to absolutely losing it
#i think the weather getting hotter and more summery is dredging up a lot of shit again#on top of the job search being dubious at best#on top of the unresponsive roommates and me talking politics at work (in a good way) and going MAN my home is#not meeting my needs#on top of the room itself being too small the fridge not big enough to accommodate 3 people#half my shit disappearing in the fridge as things get shoved wherever#on top of the current job stressing me past my limits#i dont think i really considered every single factor until i nearly started crying at target while looking at home goods#bc yeah.. yeah i do want home goods but don't have a fucking home large enough to accommodate them#i am feeling rage well out of proportion for what i am experiencing at this very moment but with all factors considered#it seems much more reasonable#it is genuinely so out of proportion I'm getting knocked into dissociative territory; outsourcing my anger#anyways. guess who bought more candles. i came for hand soap. and a drain snake to unclog the bathtub#we've been trying drano to no avail so I'm taking matters into my own hands#everything is starting to burn off and now I'm just. tired. i am doing my best with what I'm being given#shai speaks
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Rhi are you okay? Youve been quiet lately so i was a bit worried im sorry jsbsnd
i'm gonna be honest with you chief, life has decided to a bunch of shit my way and juggling is not my specialty :))
#i'm okay#just very stressed#busy#tired#exhausted#but fine :))#and i am still trying to squeeze in time to write#but#the next few weeks i will probably be a little MIA#so#yeah#anyway i appreciate the ask#and i'm sorry for worrying you!!!#ily#rhi answers
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