#the mufasa thing just makes me mad. no one asked and it makes no sense to do this.

[courageisneverforgotten]

snow white looks bad this, moana 2 that. the real question is who in the world wanted a live action mufasa or lilo and stitch movie

[nightravens-therapycircle]

Be Prepared - Chapter 6 Preview

Another Victim

Emery watched the crystal ball carefully. Animals — hyenas, she was pretty sure they were — marching in lines together as if they were groups of soldiers heading off to war. The thin lion that had been watching the lion cub’s birth was now watching them. Her uncle had called him the King of Beasts. He looked like a king from where he sat. It was as if he was the commander of an army. Three other hyenas were flanking either of his sides.

“A shiny new era is tip-toing nearer,” said the lion with great pride.

“And where do we feature?” asked one of the hyenas in the crowd.

“Just listen to teacher. We’re going to kill Mufasa, and Simba too. Then I shall be king!”

“Great idea! Long live the king!” barked one of the hyenas, before the rest joined in in a rather morbid chorus.

A smirk curled up on the lion’s lip. “Yes, my teeth and ambitions are bared. Be prepared!”

Emery’s brow furrowed as she stared into the crystal ball in her hands, watching as the lion planned his scheme with the hyenas by his side. He wanted to be king so much that he was willing to kill for it?

She sighed, not taking her eyes off of the sphere. “I still don’t get it.”

“What don’t you get?” her uncle asked, his arm looped around her shoulder. Emery sniffed.

“Why did he want to be king so badly?” she said, wiping away what had to be dried tears from her face. It didn’t make sense to her.

Her uncle shrugged. “I don’t know. That’s something we can only speculate for ourselves. To me, though…” He hummed, resting his chin on top of her head. “I think he just wanted what he didn’t have because he couldn’t have it. And in this case, he wanted power.”

“...then why not just talk it out?” It seemed a lot simpler in Emery’s head than planning a whole… What did her uncle call it? A coup? “Reach some kind of agreement between him and the actual king? It sounds like he was willing to put in the work to get what he wanted, so why not just do that?” It would make things a whole lot easier…

“Emery,” her uncle laughed. “I want you to listen to what you’re saying.” The moment passed in near silence, with the only sounds to be heard around them being bugs and the noise from the crystal ball. Emery huffed, pouting.

“...I hate you.” Her uncle ruffled her hair, which only made her pout even more.

“No, you’re just saying that because you’re mad.”

Emery looked up at him, pushing him off of her. “What does this have to do with me wanting to quit?”

Her uncle grinned, a look in his eye that Emery wasn’t sure how to feel about. “Because I know that you don’t really want to.”

The full chapter will be up on Ao3 on August 19th!

[edda-blattfe]

You are absolutely amazing!!! Can you do more on how the boys would react to the movies?

Daaaww, thank you, darlin’! *cackcles maliciously* I will gladly do so! 😆

(I’ll just do the house leaders for now. If y’all want me to do any of the other characters send in an ask and I'll be happy to answer.)

Alice in Wonderland

- “What even is this movie?” -Leona, before falling asleep on Mal’s shoulder. He woke up at the end when Alice was getting chased down and had no clue what was going on.

- Almost everyone is confused, except for Riddle and Kalim. Those two are oddly invested in this film.

- For whatever reason, Riddle just does not like Alice from the very beginning. Maybe it’s the “know-it-all” attitude or that she’s completely hopeless in a world that makes perfect sense. Whatever it is, he won’t stop glaring at the animated girl and muttering insults towards her at every opportunity.

- Azul had to stop himself from questioning the movie’s logic. There is no logic, just absolute madness.

- Every time the Queen yells “off with their head” Riddle giggles....it’s getting kinda creepy tbh.

- Kalim is the only one who liked the “it was all a dream” ending. Riddle was disappointed that little blonde brat didn’t get her head lopped off. Meanwhile, everyone else was just glad it was over.

The Little Mermaid

- The movie’s opening sequence actually grabbed everyone’s attention immediately! Even Idia found himself swaying along to the music while Kalim and Azul hummed the tune.

- Vil is surprisingly enthralled with the animation and underwater backgrounds. The artists must have poured so much effort into their craft to create such beautiful scenery, he can’t help but admire it!

- Azul finds Ariel interesting. Her naivety makes her weak, yet she has such a fiery spirit gives her a streangth he can’t help but admire.

- Ariel: I’m 16 years old, I’m not a child!

Kalim: You tell him, girl!

Riddle: Yeah!

Leona: *scoffing* Kids.

- *Fletsum and Jetsum show up on screen*

Leona: Hey, it’s Jade and Floyd!

Azul: *does a trouble take* ...They do look similar, don’t they?

- Azul was the only one who felt the ending should’ve been different. After all, Ursula was only trying to keep her contract! Why should she be punished for that?

Aladdin

- Another great opening. The desert scenery has Kalim jumping in his seat as it reminds him of home, he even tries to sing along to “Arabian Nights” despite not knowing the lyrics. A month from now he’ll be annoying Jamil with the little ear worm.

- Leona wolf whistled the moment Jasmine appeared on screen AND I SHIT YOU NOT, KALIM PUNCHED THAT CAT WITHOUT A SECOND THOUGHT AND IT ACTUALLY HURT A LITTLE!!! HE WASN’T EVEN SMILING IT WAS SO FREAKING WEIRD!!! KID WAS ACTUALLY ANGRY, WTF?!?!?! But then they found out she was 15 in the movie...Vil went ahead and smacked the back of Leona’s head for good measure.

- Iago really grew on Idia. How could the underground sass master not love that salty bird?

- Azul: If you had three wishes-

Riddle: Don’t you dare finish that question! You’ll just use our answers to try and cut a deal in the future.

Azul: How do you know I wasn’t genuinely curious?.......Pft! No, never mind. Not even I can believe that!

- Malleus does not understand why all of the protagonists are getting married when they’re literally children. But whatever.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

- Leona fell asleep again during the opening credits. That’s what happens when you open up with soothing music and no animation.

- Snow really doesn’t strike Vil as a significant character, she lacks any sort of spunk and just looks like a child. Yet, she’s the fairest in the land? He swears the mirror must be lying. It has to be of the Queen thought she was the fairest in that outfit!

- Malleus: Isn’t that your throne?

Vil: You’re thinking of the Pomefiore throne, certainly looks like it. It is an heirloom passed down from the Fair Queen herself. The artists truly captured it’s splendor, I’m impressed!

- Azul was impressed by the huntsman’s ruse to fool the Queen, it was quick thinking on his part. Also gave him time to get out of dodge before she found out the truth. Too bad she didn’t respect his convictions, he would’ve made a great ally.

- Kalim: I wish animals would come when I sing.

Idia: I-it’s probably not as fun as you think...imagine the noise they’d make.

- And just like that, Grumpy becomes Riddle’s favorite Disney character after the Queen of Hearts.

- After the hag’s death scene, Vil is visibly shook. Like he just saw his life flash before his eyes and it was ugly as the witch.

- Everyone is confused when the prince just carries Snow off without saying anything. Not a word! Is that really ok? Isn’t she like 14?

The Lion King

- Malleus actually found himself admiring Mufasa. Not only did he strike him as a competent ruler, but also a responsible father. The only thing our fairy king can fault him for is allowing his brother so much freedom. If he had done something, anything, his family and kingdom wouldn’t have had to endure all of that suffering.

- Simba’s cocky attitude kinda got on the Savanaclaw leader’s nerves at first, but the kid slowly grew on him. How many kids could force themselves to permanently leave home, much less run through a desert until they faint from exhaustion? Points for determination. Then he grew up into a totally chill dude with no cares, no responsibilities, or worries? What Leona wouldn’t do for that! Was really disappointed when Simba chose to leave his carefree lifestyle in order to save the kingdom that was already in ruins. He could kinda understand why the kid would choose that, but come on! That boy really had it good and Scar was bound to die at some point, why not wait until then? Leona doesn’t say it, but he thinks Scar would’ve actually liked his nephew if he’d only stop obsessing over the kingship and got to know him a little.

- *Grown up Nala enters scene*

Leona: Well, someone grew into a fine huntress~

Vil: She’s a lion. An actual, quadrupedal lion. No human aspects whatsoever.

Leona: Your point is?

Idia: S-she is...kinda pretty...

The other leaders: .......

Idia: *goes back into his emo corner* never mind....forget I said anything...

- You know that scene where Simba pins Nala down and she totally gave him the bedroom eyes? Yeah, Kalim and Riddle weren’t allowed to see any of that. The parents Vil and Azul immediately covered their eyes. WTF Disney, isn’t this supposed to be a kids movie?!?! It didn’t help that Leona kept jokingly telling Simba to “get some”.

- The hulla scene has inspired Scarabia’s next party. The other leaders are already placing bets on how Jamil will react to the news.

- Scar being slaughtered by his Hyena army is gonna haunt Leona for the rest of his life.

Hercules

- Azul is LIVING for the muses’ musical numbers.

- Idia doesn’t like how “bright” Hercules is. He’s just way too optimistic for our gloomy boy’s taste.

- Riddle: That’s the underworld? It looks like the Ignihyde dormitory!

Idia: Which is exactly why it’s perfect!

- *Megara shows up*

Leona: That girl is bad news.

Riddle: She’s the love interest, she can’t be bad news.

Leona: Kid, I have experience with women. Girls like that always have an ulterior motive.

*a few minutes later, when Hades shows up*

Leona: I should’ve put money on that bet.

- The more famous Hercules gets in the movie, the more Idia low key hates him.

- Kalim actually started crying when Megara died. He cheered up when Hercules saved and delivered her soul, but that was a rough few minutes for the kid.

Sleeping Beauty

- *Maleficent does her thing with the curse*

Kalim: The witch cursed Aurora just cause she didn’t get an invite? WHO DOES THAT?!?!

Malleus: You wouldn’t?

Kalim: ........

the other leaders: *Concerned*

Malleus: Flora wanted to turn her into a flower. At least Maleficent gave her a chance to live!

- Without having to say a single word, the boys unanimously agree that Flora is the absolute worst. No ifs, ands, or buts about it.

- Something about Aurora caused Malleus to go perfectly quiet....it was a little unsettling. He watched her scenes with cold, distant eyes. It was almost as if he were watching a ghost.

- Leona almost fell off the sofa upon hearing Mal softly sing along to “Once Upon a Dream.” No one was expecting him of all people to sing something so romantic. It didn’t sound too bad, to be honest.

- If anyone liked the end of the movie they were too scared to say so. Mal’s aura had grown oppressive within the span of the film. He promptly excused himself during the credits and didn’t come out of his room until he next day.

[baddadjokez]

514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.​I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.​Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.​Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!​I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.​What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.​How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.​I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.​Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.​I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.​My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.​Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.​How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.​What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.​Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.​There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.​What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.​What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.​Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.​Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What should you do if you are cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? Their SuBAHHru.​What do you call a french pig? Porque.​What do you call a line of rabbits marching backwards? A receding hairline.​Why don’t vampires go to barbecues? They don’t like steak.​How do trees access the internet? They log on.​Why should you never trust a train? They have loco motives.​Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it.​The future,the present and the past walked into a bar.Things got a little tense.​I saw an ad for burial plots, and thought to myself this is the last thing I need.​I just found out I'm colorblind. The diagnosis came completely out of the purple.​I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.​Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.​I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.​Read enough of our funny puns, and you'll be punstoppable.​Yesterday a clown held the door for me. It was a nice jester.​I used to go fishing with Skrillex but he kept dropping the bass.​The wedding was so emotional even the cake was in tiers.​What does a house wear? A dress.​Why can't bicycles stand up on their own? Since they are 2 tired.​I owe a lot to the sidewalks. They’ve been keeping me off the streets for years.​Imagine if alarm clocks hit you back in the morning.It would be truly alarming.​Why is a skeleton a bad liar? You can see right through it.​What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help? Lemonaid.​A man sued an airline company after it lost his luggage. Sadly, he lost his case.​What does a dog say when he sits down on a piece of sandpaper? Ruff!​What do you call crystal clear urine? 1080pee.​At my boxing club there is only one punch bag. I hate waiting for the punch line!​An untalented gymast walks into a bar.​Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time too.​I was accused of being a plagiarist, their word not mine.​My friends say they don’t like skeleton puns. I should put more backbone into them.​Let me FILL you in on my trip to the dentist.​Why does the singer of Cheap Thrills not want us to Sia?​Traveling on a flying carpet is a rugged experience.​Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.​The old woman who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner,there were strings attached.​Did you hear about the crime in the parking garage? It was wrong on so many levels.​My new diet consists of aircraft, its a bit plane.​Have you ever tried to milk a cow which has been cut in half? Udder madness.​Why are there fences on graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.​Why do trees have so many friends? They branch out.​Models of dragons are not to scale.​Never discuss infinity with a mathematician, they can go on about it forever.​Why don’t some couples go to the gym? Because some relationships don’t work out.​Don’t trust people that do acupuncture, they’re back stabbers.​A persistent banker wouldn’t stop hitting on me so I asked him to leave me a loan.​I ordered a book of puns last week, but i didn't get it.​People say i look better without glasses but i just can't see it.​Don’t judge a meal by the look of the first course. It’s very souperficial.​I heard Donald Trump is going to ban shredded cheese, and make America grate again.​I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.​What do you call a young musician? A minor.​Police were called to a daycare yesterday, where a 2-year-old was resisting a rest.​If artists wear sketchers do linguists wear converse?​I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.​Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.​I smeared some ketchup all over my eyes once. It was a bad idea in Heinz- sight.​I flipped a coin over an issue the other day, it was quite the toss-up.​I got hit in the head with a can of soda? Luckily it was a soft drink.​I heard that the post office was a male dominated industry.​Why isn’t suntanning an Olympic sport? Because the best you can ever get is bronze.​What do you mean June is over? Julying.​Why is Kylo Ren so angry? Beause he’s always Ben Solo.​These reversing cameras are great. Since I got one I haven’t looked back.​The candle quit his job because he felt burned out.​Our maintenance guy lost his legs on the job, now he’s just a handyman.​Going to bed with music on gave him sound sleep.​A magic tractor drove down the road and turned into a field!​I met some aliens from outer space. They were pretty down to earth.​The plane flight brought my acrophobia to new heights.​My phone has to wear glasses ever since it lost its contacts.​I, for one, like Roman numerals.​How do mountains see? They peak.​The show was called Spongebob Squarepants but everyone knows the star was Patrick.​This is not alcohol, water you thinking?!​Novice pirates make terrible singers because they can’t hit the high seas.​I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.​The earth's rotation really makes my day.​If I buy a bigger bed will I have more or less bedroom?​Two peanuts were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-salted.​Two ropes were walking in a tough neighborhood and one of them was a-frayed.​What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.​I got a master’s degree in being ignored; no one seems to care.​After eating the ship, the sea monster said, I can’t believe I ate the hull thing.​Smaller babies may be delivered by stork but the heavier ones need a crane.​A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.​I had a pun about insanity but then I lost it.​He couldn’t work out how to fix the washing machine so he threw in the towel.​Why does the man want to buy nine rackets? Cause tennis too many.​Why don’t cannibals eat clowns? Because they taste funny.​If I got paid in lots of Pennes I would make loads of pasta.​I thought I saw a spider on my laptop, but my friend said it was just a bug.​A doctor broke his leg while auditioning for a play.Luckily he still made the cast.​The tale of the haunted refrigerator was chilling.​Why are frogs so happy? They eat whatever bugs them.​If you wear cowboy clothes are you ranch dressing?​I was addicted to the hokey pokey but I turned myself around.​Simba, you're falling behind. I must ask you to Mufasa.​I bought a wooden whistle but it wooden whistle.​The bomb didn't want to go off. So it refused.​The sore mummy needed a Cairo-practor​I feel sorry for shopping carts. They’re always getting pushed around.​The display of still-life art was not at all moving!​On Halloween October is nearly Octover.​Pig puns are so boaring.​Why couldn’t the dead car drive into the cluttered garage? Lack of vroom.​What do you call Samsung's security guards? Guardians of the Galaxy.​What does Superman have in his drink? Just ice.​How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.​Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.​The safe was invented by a cop and a robber. It was quite a combination.​What do you do when balloons are hurt? You helium.​One hat says to the other, "You stay here, I’ll go on a head."​How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh? Ten tickles.​When does a farmer dance? When he drops the beet.​When the scientist wanted to clone a deer, he bought a doe it yourself kit.​If people ask how many puns I made in Germany I reply, "nein"​Did you hear about the invention of the white board? It was remarkable.​If Donald Trump becomes president, America is going toupee.​Can February March? No, but April May.​I hate Russian Dolls, they are so full of themselves.​What do you do to an open wardrobe? You closet.​The magazine about ceiling fans went out of business due to low circulation.​So what if I don’t know what apocalypse means? It’s not the end of the world!​Some aquatic mammals at the zoo escaped. It was otter chaos.​A backwards poem writes inverse.​Getting the ability to fly would be so uplifting.​I asked my friend, Nick, if he had 5 cents I could borrow. But he was Nicholas.​The soundtrack for Blackfish was orcastrated.​Where do you imprison a skeleton? In a rib cage.​There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.​I used to work at a hairdresser but i just wasn’t cut out for it.​Why is metal and a microwave a match made in heaven? When they met, sparks flew.​The lumberjack loved his new computer. He especially enjoyed logging in.​Garbage collectors are rubbish drivers!​When the church relocated it had an organ transplant.​Lettuce take a moment to appreciate this salad pun.​The scarecrow get promoted because he was outstanding in his field.​Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.​I never understood odorless chemicals, they never make scents.​What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.​Why was dumbo sad? He felt irrelephant.​When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.​Old skiers never die. They just go down hill.​Did you hear about the pun that was actually funny? Neither have we.​You know why I like egg puns? They crack me up!​Want to hear a pun about ghosts? That's the spirit!​I used to make clown shoes… which was no small feat.​Did you hear about the human cannonball? Too bad he got fired!​What happened when the magician got mad? She pulled her hare out!​Did you hear about the circus that caught on fire? It was in tents.​The one day of the week that eggs are definitely afraid of is Fry-day.​A hen will always leave her house through the proper eggs-it.​The man who ate too many eggs was considered to be an egg-oholic.​All the hens consider the chef to be very mean because he beats the eggs.​Eskimos keep all of their chilled eggs inside of the egg-loo.​Under the doctor’s advice, the hen is laying off eggs for a few weeks.​I had a real problem making a hard-boiled egg this morning until I cracked it.​The best time of day to eat eggs is at the crack of dawn.​The chicken coop only had 2 doors since if it had 4 doors it would be a sedan.​Crossing a cement mixer and a chicken will result in you getting a brick layer.​That reckless little egg always seems to egg-celerate when he sees the light turn yellow.​Hopefully this egg pun doesn't make your brain too fried or scrambled.​Don't ever have multiple people wash dishes together. It's hard for them to stay in sink.​People using umbrellas always seem to be under the weather.​I dissected an iris today. It was an eye-opening experience.​What was Forrest Gump’s email password? 1forrest1.​What planet is like a circus? Saturn, it has three rings!​Before my father died he worked in a circus as a stilt walker. I used to look up to him.​Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal!​I really look up to my tall friends.​I hate negative numbers and will stop at nothing to avoid them.​Long fairy tales have a tendency to dragon.​It takes guts to make a sausage.​Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!​What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!​How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it​What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!​Where do cows go on Friday nights? To the mooooo-vies!​What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato? C’mon, ketchup!​Why did the banana go to the doctor? Because he wasn’t “peeling” well!​What did one snowman say to the other? Do you smell carrots?​Why didn’t the skeleton go to the dance? Because he had no body to go with!​What is a pirate’s favorite letter? Arrrrrr!​What does a piece of toast wear to bed? His pa-JAM-as!​What does one eye say to the other eye? Something between us smells​Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide!​What happens when an egg laughs? It cracks up!​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear!​Why didn’t the teddy bear want dessert? Because he was stuffed!​Why can’t you tell a joke while ice skating? Because the ice might crack up!​What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop!​What’s mommy and daddy’s favorite ride at the carnival? A married-go-round!​How did Cookie Monster feel after eating all the cookies? Pretty crummy!​What do you call a skunk who flies in a helicopter? A smelly-copter!​What do you get when you shake a cow? A milkshake!​How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut!​Why did the bee get married? Because she found her honey!​What did the ocean say to their airplane? Nothing, it just waved!​Where do eskimo pigs live? In pig-loos.​What’s a dinosaur called when it’s sleeping? A dino-snore!​What did the cookie say to the annoying cookie? Crumb on!​Why did Mickey Mouse go up in space? To find Pluto!​What does Olaf eat for lunch? Icebergers!​What letter is always wet? The C!​How do you throw a space party? You planet.​How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.​Nope. Unintended.​The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.​A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."​A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says "Make me one with everything."​Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.​What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.​The broom swept the nation away.​I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.​What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back for seconds.​What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.​I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.​Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.​Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says “Do you smell fish?”​Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in france? There was nothing but des brie.​Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.​What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.​Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.​What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.​What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.​What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.​A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.​After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.​I used to be afraid of hurdles, but I got over it.​To write with a broken pencil is pointless.​I read a book on anti-gravity. I couldn’t put it down.​I couldn’t remember how to throw a boomerang but it came back to me.​What did the buffalo say to his son? Bison.​What should you do if you’re cold? Stand in the corner. It’s 90 degrees.​How does Moses make coffee? Hebrews it.​The energizer bunny went to jail. He was charged with battery.​What did the alien say to the pitcher of water? Take me to your liter.​What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs? You have a vowel movement.​The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray was a seasoned veteran.​Sausage puns are the wurst.​What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.​How did Darth Vader know what luke was getting him for his birthday? He could sense his presence.​Why shouldn’t you trust atoms? They make up everything.​What’s the difference between a bench, a fish, and a bucket of glue? You can’t tune a bench but you can tuna fish. I bet you got stuck on the bucket of glue part.​What’s it called when you have too many aliens? Extraterrestrials.​Want to hear a pizza joke? Nevermind, it’s too cheesy.​What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta.​What do cows tell each other at bedtime? Dairy tales.​Why can’t you take inventory in Afghanistan? Because of the tally ban.​Why didn’t the lion win the race? Because he was racing a cheetah.​Why did the man dig a hole in his neighbor’s backyard and fill it with water? Because he meant well.​What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.​What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator? Raising the steaks.​What’s america’s favorite soda? Mini soda.​Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing.​What kind of car does a sheep drive? A lamborghini, but if that breaks down they drive their SuBAHHru.

[chickenisamazing]

Today was a good day, Alhamdulillah.

[[MORE]]

I went to the roller skating thing and it was a lot of fun. Even one of my college friends who isn't Muslim went which I thought was funny and wonderful. She wears a turban all the time so honestly she blends in super well with us hijabis anyway lol.

After that, we decided to go see the new Lion King. Before that we stopped at Chick Fil A, and we ran into someone from Islamic school. What's wild is that he's older so he wasn't in my class but he recognized me first. I never really talked to him and I forgot his name (I asked though and then I def recognized, plus he looked familiar to me, but he came up to us first). Then he recognized my friend which made more sense because he was in one of her older brothers' grades. It's always funny running into people from Islamic school, but usually I'm the one to recognize them first, so that was different.

I actually expected far worse from the new Lion King so I enjoyed it a lot more than I was expecting to. It was beautiful visually and the funny parts were funny, which I appreciated. But the facial expressions were blah, and the most atrocious ones were the expressions for the cubs (I really had to keep from gasping/laughing when Mufasa died and Simba went "Noooo!"). Any emotional scenes just had no emotional impact. I agree with what one of my friends had told me earlier when she saw the movie; if I were a kid I would have been so bored. One of my friends pointed out that because of the hyperrealism at some points it felt like watching a documentary, so yeah, I think that's part of why kids would be bored by it. Also, the voice acting for the main characters was pretty terrible. They put big names in this movie but I don't think most of them had much experience voice acting? I get now what my other friend who also watched the movie before I did was saying about how the voices didn't feel like they matched up with the talking animation. And the fact that "Be Prepared" was butchered was just so sad, it would have been so much more enjoyable if the song had been kept in. The movie also felt really choppy at some parts. It was still fun and pretty to look at, so I had a good time. Tomorrow I wanna watch the original and also the sequels if I have time.

I dropped my friends off and my dad got mad at me for getting home so late (I got home at 11:30) and I snapped at him, but my mom was praying when I got home so when she was done she came into my room and we just talked for like almost two hours and it was nice. I feel like I don't talk to my mom in a friend kind of way often enough but it's so nice when I do. We had moments when we disagreed with each other but we just talked, and it wasn't a fight, which is often what happens. She was super tired so after making fun of my dad's snoring we said goodnight to each other.

[wevebeenspeckledorfedimagines]

“Blarne” Sam Stein x Reader

           You work in the café essentially beneath Homeland Security. Those agents work long hours, so it just made sense to have caffeine nearby. Of course, working in the café got to be boring sometimes, as it remained open until 10pm, but for the most part the Homeland Security personnel went home by 6.

            A just-in-case measure.

           Mornings, on the other hand? Packed.

           “Tall mocha,” you call out. A short woman steps from the crowd and grabs it, eyes never leaving The Bulletin in her hand. You haven’t had a chance to read the headlines yet, but once the morning rush dies you know there’ll be plenty of time until the afternoon rush kicks in.

           You get to work on the next drink. Your co-workers frantically rush, calling out drinks and flying around like bees hopped up on cocaine. They were hired about three weeks ago—they’d get used to the rush in a couple more weeks. Until then, you keep your own pace. Most of the customers are asleep on their feet; they don’t know the difference between getting their coffee thirty seconds earlier or later.

           The morning flies by.

           One after another, the customers disappear, some walking back out the door, some going to the security doors and flashing their I.D.s over a scanner to get in. Security guards wait just beyond the doors.

           And finally, the rush ends. As you make the last Americano for a handsome man, the phone rings.

           One of the new employees, Tara, grabs it. You tune out the conversation as you hand the man his drink.

           “Thank you,” he says. He has thick stubble face bordering a very short beard, short curls atop his head, and he wears a tan suit with a diagonally striped tie.

           “You’re welcome,” you say, offering him a smile.

           He returns the expression, eyes sparking. “Have a good day, Blarne,” he says before walking for those gated doors.

           “Uh, you too,” you call after him, thoroughly confused. Blarne? What the hell? You look down at your nametag and snort. That’s right. You and Tara decided to put on fake names today, just to prove a stupid point that they don’t matter.

           Still smiling, you turn around and come to face-to-face with Tara’s grimace. “Oh, no,” you say. “What’s wrong?”

           “Dana called in sick.”

           “No!” you groan. “I’m going to call our mid and see if they can switch to a bit later. We can handle the afternoon rush alone.”

           “Already called him,” Tara replies. “He said he has his senior seminar from 6 to 9 on Wednesdays, so he can’t.”

           You rub your eyes. “Shit. Well… How late can you stay?”

           “I have a doctor’s appointment at 2.”

           “And the other guy?”

           You and Tara both glance to your other co-worker, who has promptly run for the bathroom to spend his daily thirty minutes in, playing on his phone. “I didn’t even ask,” Tara admits.

           “Yeah. No need. Uh… how about I go home and come back around three? Will you be okay until then?”

           “Of course, especially when our mid gets here. Going to go home and sleep?”

           “Yep. I’m in tomorrow morning again, and it looks like I’ll be closing tonight.”

           So you head back to your apartment, take a three-hour nap, and return to work, all thoughts of that cute man calling you “Blarne” gone from your head. You counted the days in your head until you were off to complete your Master’s. You had taken a gap year (or three) between school, and now you regretted it. It was time to something more than work.

           You get in and help the others work through the tail-end of the afternoon rush, and then you let all the tired workers go. At about 6, when most Homeland personnel are leaving, the cute man comes by again.

           You’re elbow deep in scrubbing out the sinks and trashcans when he asks, “Blarne?”

You jump. “What? Oh, how can I help you?”

“Jumpy?”

“Sorry,” you nervously laugh. “Just wasn’t expecting anyone.” Wasn’t expecting anyone to call you Blarne, to be more precise.

“Didn’t mean to scare you. Just came for two large regular coffees.”

“Let me get this gunk off my hands and arms, first. You must be working late tonight,” you comment, eyeing him as you wash.

“Yeah. Things are ending up a bit more complicated than we thought. What about you? You’ve been here a while, Blarne.”

You stifle a laugh, drying your hands and coming to stand in front of him. “I’m sorry, but my name’s not Blarne,” you confess.

His eyes drop to your nametag. “But…”

“It’s just something stupid my friends and I did,” you say.

You watch his cheeks turn red beneath his beard and he laughs, scratching his head. “That’s embarrassing,” he comments. “And here I thought I was impressing a cute barista by taking time to learn their name.”

“Happens to the best of us,” you reply.

“Really? How many times has it happened to you?”

“Five. Definitely five.”

“You pulled that number out of your ass,” he accuses, smiling. God, that smile.

“Did not.”

“Then what were their names?”

“Well, there was Mufasa, Nala, Abu, Iago… and you got me. I can’t remember the fifth. Only four times, then.”

“You mean you couldn’t think of a fifth Disney character, which is the actual embarrassment, here.”

You playfully scowl. “You’re getting decaf coffee for that.”

“Do that and you put the nation at risk,” he warns.

“Oh yeah, I’ve never heard that one before,” you mutter, turning away to grab his two coffees.

“So what’s your actual name?” he presses.

“(Y/N),” you answer. “And yours?”

“Sam,” he says. “It’s nice to meet you, (Y/N). How much are the coffees?”

You say the price and he pulls the exact amount out of your wallet. “What?” you joke. “After all that, no tip for the cute barista?”

“How about dinner instead of a tip?” he asks, meeting your gaze, face hopeful.

“Y-yeah,” you stammer, entirely unprepared for that. “S-sounds like a really good tip.”

He chuckles. When you give him his receipt, he pulls a pen from his pocket and scribbles his number down in the tip line. “Text me, then we can make plans,” he says, slipping the receipt back to you.

You grin like an idiot. “Okay.”

His expression mirrors yours. “Okay.” He takes the two coffees and heads back through the doors, casting glances over his shoulder, a bounce in his step.

Once he’s gone, you take out your phone and text, It’s Blarne.

Your phone dings. Free tomorrow night, Blarne?

All night.

Dinner at six?

Where?

Meet me outside the Met. We’ll walk from there.

Closing glides by. You leave, feeling lighter, and you don’t mind coming into work so early tomorrow.

Finished the Punisher, loved it all, and I’m still mad at Billy. Also, “Blarne” was taken from Bojack Horseman.