#anyway weird trans comforts

[thatonemouseykid]

I’m reading Most Ardently by Gabe Cole Novoa right now, which is a retelling of Pride and Prejudice where ‘Elizabeth’ is a closeted trans boy called Oliver, and it’s really interesting as a (recently outed, formerly closeted) trans guy to read his internal monologue in third person. There’s a lot of affirmation in it, because in real life you don’t have to gender yourself in your head so much which is why I think a lot of trans people accidentally misgender themselves sometimes. Because of the way it’s written, you have a lot of him being treated and referred to as a girl, but it’s always undercut by that narrative voice gendering him correctly.

[nightmarish-fallen-angel]

"Women are just objectively more beautiful" "Sexuality isn't a choice because then no one would be attracted to men" "Men are gross and disgusting haha" jokes morph into their final form:

"You transitioning to be more masculine is wasting your natural beauty"

[dukeofthomas]

Do you see my vision

[riddlerosehearts]

while my mind is still on the subject of transfem genderfluid taichi. i very recently got around to reading SSR family and my main takeaway after getting through all the backstage stories for it, and then especially after also reading citron's backstage story for devil maid's holiday, was this:

[autism-corner]

The Seven and a Half Morningstars

AO3 || 2.1K words || you/yours pronouns || Masterlist

Levi and Lilith have something in common. Something none of their brothers have. They both are the reason that 'the morningstar/demon brothers' doesn't really apply anymore.

-

transfem sisters figuring themself out together. although, not at the same time or without severe loss (and gain). <3

ft. you loving levi (either romantically or platonically)

Levi knew. She’d known for a long time, but she was content with the way things were. Until you came around. She could handle everyone seeing a gross guy otaku. She could not handle you, seeing her in a way that wasn’t her true self. It felt like lying to you, and that's the last thing she’s ever wanted. Part of her thought it was selfish, but she wanted you to love her. Not him.

—

It all began way back in the celestial realm. Back when they were known as the seven brothers. Ofcourse, everyone was siblings to each other in that place, but everybody could tell that these seven had something special between them. Lucifer, the morningstar, had basically adopted the younger boys, and it created a bond that few, if any, could break. While every one of them looked up to Lucifer, each angel was also steadily growing attached to the other 5. Mammon and Asmo were both extremely extroverted and found common ground there, and the twins were already close as could be. Lilith and Levi were both outsiders, and that’s where they connected.

Ofcourse, Lilith had the twins as well, but Lilith tended to wander around more, and he kept feeling like he didn’t really belong in heaven anyway. Ofcourse, Lilith loved his brothers, but sometimes he longed for a different life. A more free one. That’s why he drifted towards Levi. Leviathan always seemed to be in his own little world, and Lilith wanted to join him. So the two hung out a lot together, slowly creating a world away from everyone.

—

Lilith laid out on Levi’s bed. His arms reached out towards the roof, seemingly grasping the words to explain his thoughts. “You know,” He began. Levi sat in his chair in the corner of his room. Even though he seemed to be reading a book, Lilith knew Levi would listen to him. “I wish things were different. You understand, right?” A vague ‘hm’ came from the corner. Lilith sat up. He only ever did that when things got serious. “I don’t mean here.” A sigh. “I’m talking about like. Feelings and stuff.” This made Levi pause. Levi knew that he wasn’t the best with feelings or expressing things. But he also knew that Lilith understood that. He closed his book and waited. Clearly, Lilith had a lot to say about this, and the only thing Levi could do was wait and hear him out.

“I’m also not talking about struggling with feelings like you are. This is…” Hesitation. This was definitely a difficult subject for Lilith to talk about. He’d started biting his nails again. “More personal, in a way? I think.” He fell back down on the bed, still fidgeting. Levi slowly looked up.

This was so different from the usual Lilith. Lilith is often so full of energy that Levi could barely even keep up. This Lilith is trying to be calculated and calm, and it’s worrying Levi. “You should stop biting your nails.” A quiet response from Levi. A silent way that tells Lilith that he cares about him, and that he’s paying attention to him.

“Can you come here for a second? Just lay next to me. Please.” To many others this would’ve sounded like a simple request. But Levi picked up on the desperation that was hidden behind it. He slowly got up and walked up to Lilith, who was now curled up on his side. Levi joined him, laying, although stiffly, beside him. Levi wasn’t sure yet how to approach the situation, but he would stay and listen to anything Lilith had to say.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Lilith's hand move. An invitation (request?) to hold his hand. He sat aside the discomfort he might feel with physical touch, and joined their fingers together. He’d do anything to comfort Lilith.

“I don’t want to say it this bluntly, but I can't figure out a better way.” Lilith had pulled up a pillow and was clutching it against his chest. “I don’t think I’m a guy.”

—

It wasn’t often that people would see Lilith cry. Lilith often had a way of life that would brighten up every room, conversation and face. The ways that Lilith broke that day, in front of Levi, showed the weight of this issue. Clearly this had been bothering Lilith for a long time now.

Lilith began explaining to Levi about all the things she’d wish to be different. And Levi listened. What else could he do? Lilith explained that she didn’t necessarily want her name to change. She’d grown up with this name and had so many memories with it, it was impossible to be complete without her name. But she did want people to refer to her differently. She wanted to be called pretty and cute and beautiful. She wanted to be a little sister.

Levi listened and understood. Levi helped her alter her clothes, helped her pick out new ones. Together with Levi, Lilith became who she wanted to be. And together with Levi, she explained it to everyone else. Thanks to Levi, she became her full self.

Things were glorious for a couple of centuries. Everyone lived and laughed, now being known as ‘The Seven Morningstars’, rather than 'The Seven Brothers'. Everything was perfect.

Until she fell.

—

Desperation broke out. How could Father do this? How could He break up their family, their comfort. How dare He take away their little sister. It was unfair.

They had to keep living.

Dark times turned darker upon their arrival in the Devildom, strangers in a new world. But with the darker times, aside from the anger still flaming within everyone, new forms of warmth began to rise as well.

Lilith’s replacement, set free by the anger she caused, came to them. Ofcourse, no one but himself saw Satan as Lilith’s counterpart, but that didn’t soothe his anger. He raged and rampaged wherever he could, but slowly gained comfort in the sister he never had. He finally settled with a piece of Lilith in his heart, allowing himself to release the anger she could never express.

Like before, they started being known as ‘The Seven Brothers’ again.

All the struggles they went through together made them that much closer, now only having each other to depend on. Bond’s grew again and strengthened, setting them up for their new life. A new life that is better than they could’ve ever imagined back in the Celestial Realm. A life with freedom. A life that Lilith gave hers for.

—

Levi had taken it hard. Her fall. Even though the relationships with his brothers improved, to levels never even achievable in the celestial realm, an important part of his life became irreplaceable. Someone to actually talk to, someone who got him, someone who was like him. He never got the guts to actually tell her. How he related to her. How he too, wished to change.

It caused a silent suffering.

Until you came. Even though things hadn’t been all that bad, he viewed you as his saviour. The one who brightened up his days again, gave him everything they could. But most importantly, someone who understood him. You made him better. Like his sister had before.

That’s when Levi started to question things again. You were able to give him his confidence back. When you were together, it felt like nothing could tear you apart. It was a mutual understanding between the both of you. It felt like Levi was back with Lilith again, but improved. Ofcourse, nothing could replace Lilith, not even you. But you gave him back his feelings, familiar yet somehow more intense. More worth the risk.

During the healing you were the cause of, Levi began to find their truth again. The truth that they had always already known, but often pushed back, was being indefinitely resurfaced by you. You reminded Levi of her. And now, finally comfortable, she could rise & remain.

Lilith was the one to tell Levi about this. Levi was never good with her own feelings, after all. If she hadn’t indirectly told Leviathan that being like this was okay, that things could change for the better, that life doesn’t have to be a struggle, Levi might’ve never even known. And now, it’s time for her to tell you.

—

She wasn’t as brave as her little sister. She couldn’t possibly tell you this straight to your face. Praise to the devildom and its better developed technology. A voice message it’ll be. A regular text message did feel a little too impersonal for something like this.

“Hey. uhm. Right.” A clear fumble with paper can be heard. The clearing of a throat. With a robotic voice, certainly reading a script that’s been spent hours on, Leviathan started. “I don’t know how to properly tell you this. It’s hard. But very. very. important. To me. I. I am not. who you think I am. But I want to be. And I know you want me to be myself as well. You have told me that plenty of times. And I am grateful for that. It is because of your continued persistence in being comfortable with myself that I bring you this. That I trust you with this. Because I don’t think I can continue being a guy.”

It was a sudden and unprompted message to you, with an even more abrupt ending. Upon finishing her script, Levi pressed the send button immediately and directly shut off her phone. She couldn’t bear the thoughts about your response, but knew she’d have to.

It hadn’t even been a minute when you knocked on her door. Within that time, you had listened to the message, sent her a streak of five different messages in response, and raced through the entire HOL to her room. It only took two unanswered knocks for you to barge into her space, where you hurried to her bed to find her already sobbing.

Her emotional state, and her body finally being engulfed in your arms, made her spill everything. About Lilith, and how she was the one that planted this idea in her head in the first place. How hard it had been without her. How regretful she is for never having been able to tell her little sister.

She told you about how much you mean to her, and how she kept thinking, no, knowing, you only loved the wrong version of her. You loved the version of her that kept wishing he was different, that forced himself to be someone he only partly was. You loved someone that was not her. And she told you about how hurt that made her feel.

But she also talked about how loved she felt by you. How despite the rude comments Levi made, both towards Levi’s self as to others, it never made you love Levi any less. She talked about how lovingly and calmly you always handled her meltdowns, how you asked permission for every touch, how you didn’t grow annoyed anytime her energy was too low. She talked about all the things she would miss if she lost you. Things only you could give her. Things that made her feel like she was worthy of love, things that made her believe being herself might be worth it. You make her believe suffering doesn’t have to be.

—

It was an emotional and extremely draining rant. Many tears were shed, from both sides. At the end, you had simply kissed her head. It was enough for Leviathan to feel at peace. The mentally taxing questions could come later. For now the two of you would cuddle and rewatch TSL. No need to talk. Now was the time to simply lay embraced and at rest, as the both of you slowly drifted off thanks to the comfortable atmosphere. It somehow felt an impossible amount more loving than usual.

—

It was amazing to see her flourish. Huge bits of her anxieties were visibly taken away as soon as she grew comfortable in her new out and proud identity. She smiled and laughed more, talked more enthusiastically in her higher trained voice, and was more excited for the mundane joys. Life was easier. Life was better. Alongside you, thanks to you, she grew into herself. Nothing else changed much. She kept being her otaku self, she kept sneering comments anytime her envy flared up, and she kept the same bond with each of her brothers like she always had. Loving in their own special way.

Although, admittedly, one sibling-relationship did change. Anytime she found joy in her womanhood, there was a little part in her that felt more love, more similarity for her sister. A connection that was evergrowing. Despite never being able to tell Lilith, Levi knew she had known. Lilith had always had her way with people like that. Levi knew that somewhere, Lilith was smiling down to her. The exact same way she had once she started living her full life as herself.

[realclemhours]

Hey this is not promoting transharmmed. If you are reposting this for transharmmed get off my page thank you. Hurting yourself isn’t something to be ashamed of but it should not be glorified either. Please get help and call a hotline. I do not support identities that glorify hurting yourself or hurting others. I can’t believe I have to specify this.

So I was watching Dunmeshi with my gf and this guy came on screen and I wanted to dig up that one bonus comic of the manga where they showed this guy loves being a werewolf actually to show it to my gf only to find this very interesting bit of trivia on the wiki

Transitioning via ancient curses to be a werewolf is metal as shit and I think more people need to start doing it

[nomoremrnicefag]

it is always so wild to me when cis people try to get me to shit talk non binary identities with them just because I present to them as a binary trans guy bc I will always defend them and whatever those fuckers have deemed as the "weird identity" this time. nothing about me gives off the vibe that a) i would ever feel the need to grift for cis approval and b)that I would ever give cis people the opportunity to talk badly about non binary people with a transgender pat on the back from me, just because they didn't follow the exact same path as I did. its stupid as hell and I sympathize with any non binary person that has the misfortune of crossing their path

[pansygrowl]

one big task down, two to go.

[impossible-rat-babies]

freaking like. eshka is getting into gender stuff that’s like. hmmmm this is really uhhhh Close and Personal huh

[dandyshucks]

me meeting someone new and Guz making a point to use my pronouns casually in the conversation so that we don't have to make a big deal of it, and he just gives me the proudest silliest thumbs-up after managing to introduce me using both they and it 😭😭💗💗💗

[risingsunresistance]

wanted to make a fun doodle for pride when i woke up this morning but i left my ipad at the house :V

[jammyshouse]

finally accepting i am a gay man rather than whatever i thought i was is explaining a lot about everything to the point it’s actually making me angry. like man. man i guess it was very fucking obvious to everyone except me huh

[todayisafridaynight]

time a flat circle why the hell am i usin the same loafers i bought for one cosplay of my fave antagonist for another fave antagonist

[neverendingford]

.

[trash-city-radio]

day two of saydie obsession. sexualizing them once more

[idlyingabout]

I spent some 10 months working in this retail supermarket shop that's close to home and after quitting the only experience that's stayed with me is those rare few times when i would see other queer people just existing in public. Maybe it's because I'm kind of a coward and could never be that openly out, or the environment in this area of the city that I know is very christian and very hostile (the things that i've heard my coworkers saying...) but I came to treasure those rare moments in a very special way. It can feel kinda lonely here, where sometimes it seems like it's just me and the friends I met in artschool and the people in other areas that i see on instagram, weirdly far away from me, and knowing that it'll be decades before we achieve anything meaningful in this country, but seeing someone being so open and brave like that makes me wanna keep going y'know? Maybe someday I'll live in a future where my teacher from artschool didn't have to travel to the USA to get married, and I can go to the beach with my friends and have twin scars on my chest.