#anyway please don't reblog !!

[mvndrvke]

i now present this pic of my cat being absolutely zooted to the dash to cheer everyone up

[yukipri]

For curiosity's sake...

[teaboot]

if ur a murderbot nerd now do u have any fun opinions abt it yet?

Oh my goddd you have no idea

I really, really, really like Murderbot because it comes at life with this perspective we don't often see that is very real among people who have already been through traumatic experiences, who developed skills and abilities to suvive that were once useful but no longer have context- that search that traumatized people go through to recalibrate and reorient ourselves in a world where we no longer really need those things to survive.

A bit personal here, but my own issues personally involved a lot of psychological abuse that made it difficult to trust my own perceptions of reality, and as a result I found I was very easy to lie to and manipulate.

To handle this, I became obsessive over writing things down, cataloging details and making notes of things as they happened- I'd carry recording devices and make audio recordings and stay up late at night to transcribe what they'd picked up, read those over and over again to reassure myself of things I wasn't certain about.

While doing this, there were others close to me that I felt responsible for, who I had to protect from others and protect myself from at the same time. Life was about two things: Evidence, and defusing threats

Over time, I learned to trust myself as my memories matched what had been recorded where their narrative didn't, but I never really kicked the habit. Like Murderbot, I had added something to my own programming that reassured me I was safe, that I was in control of myself, that I couldn't be mistaken or crazy or broken or used.

I'm only on book two, but already I see myself in Murderbot again. No spoilers here, but when I left home- left that dangerous context- I didn't need to repeat these patterns to survive anymore, but I still did, because I didn't know anything else anymore. It felt safe, comfortable, knowing knowing that the past couldn't repeat itself, because I'd written that flaw- blind trust in myself-  out of my programming and replaced it with something else.

Still, though, I'd become something specially suited to thrive in a very specific environment. Nothing else felt right like followinghigh-risk situations, like witnessing and watching and recording and knowing I had proof of the truth where others might not.

People took notice. I wound up in security by accident, but's an environment that I thrive in due to the same patterns and behaviours I originally developed when I had no other choice. I climbed the ladder pretty quickly, once supervisors caught on that my reports were the most accurate, most objective, most factual, detail-oriented and timely. I keep others and myself safe and prioritize public safety above all else, and I perform well under pressure

Now I'm in a position where I often wonder, do I enjoy this job, or is it just what I'm good at? I have a set of skills now, but do I have the option of choosing not to use them? What would I be, if not this? Could I be anything else? Can Murderbot be anything else?

It has a set of skills that set it apart, make it different, special. It does what it knows best. But is it free? Does it want to be? What does it want? Does it have to do what it was built to do? What if it didn't?

I know what I'm good for. The idea of deliberately leaving what I'm good for for something uncertain, that I might hate, that I might be useless at- the choice to give up what was so important to me for so long and become deliberately obsolete?

Let go of my entire purpose? The only thing I know, that I fit so well into but don't actually know if I enjoy? Now that I can choose? Now that enjoyment is a luxury I can afford to consider?

Yeah, that resonates.

I like the Murderbot series so far because it feels the way I feel: Like the most significant and formative part of my story, the part where I became what I am, has already happened

And now I have to just. Keep going

Into... what?

It feels absurd. Like a microwave giving up on reheating food and deciding to start a life around abstract dance.

So, uh. Yeah. It's really very wild to see this same philosophical-ish dilemma I've been digging over in the back of my mind and in therapy for the last forever laid out so plainly in a genuinely exciting and enjoyable story like this. I feel much less alone, and I... kind of really need to see how it resolves, I think.

So, uh. Yeah. Read Murderbot, I guess

[hhmnya]

if anyone lives in the US and is an immigrant i hope you are all safe right now—ice trucks are already in cities and trump is issuing a massive raid tomorrow. if ice does come to your door do not open it if they don't have a signed warrant by a judge. they do not have the right to come in a force you from your homes. do not sign anything or answer any of their questions because well! they're authority figures and they're extremely manipulative and it is your right to refuse questioning

[sleepyjuniper]

I'm making this poll because I use post dates, and in this day and age it seems, to me, that it's absolutely imperative that we be able to tell when a post was made so we know whether or not it's outdated information. I've occasionally seen posts reblogged of old outdated news that makes me wonder if the person reblogging it uses this feature. I'm also curious, if you don't use it, why not? Feel free to elaborate in the notes!

[stupidwittlebaby]

Do any of you systems ever dissociate, but in a good way?

Not a groggy, hazy, or numb sort of dissociation, but a comfortably disconnected one. Sensations, smells, tastes - they're all still there, I can feel them, but they're soft and dream-like. It's more like walking through an open world video game. No quests, no fighting, just walking and observing, admiring the little details the devs lovingly put into their craft.

I'm more connected with the inside. I'm not talking to any of my headmates in particular, but I can feel the shape of our system as a whole. We're certainly polyfragmented, there's no doubt about that, no matter what Ken thinks.

I know who I am, in this moment, but the 'I' we'll be later won't remember. But that's okay. Because I'm here now, and this moment is beautiful, and there will be other beautiful moments for our other parts. And I got to write this, thereby immortalizing it in some small way.

Does anyone else ever dissociate in this way? Maybe non-systems, maybe even some neurotypical people? I know it can't be universal, but I hope it's more common than I'd think. It's a lovely feeling, to be here and not here and just feel calm.

[wraith-latte-art]

save a horse, ride a cowboy or whatever……

(inspo / ref photo under the cut!!)

i saw this photo and knew there was only one thing i could do... no i dont regret a thing

[zuko-always-lies]

I really don't like talking about politics on this blog, because it's fandom focused and I like having a space away from politics, but if you live in the United States, please vote, and vote against Trump. I personally have many, many issues with the Democratic Party, Biden, and Harris that I will not elaborate on here. I don't feel enthusiastic voting for Harris.

However, if Trump wins, the odds of the U.S. either becoming a fascist country (and I'm not using hyperbole here) or descending into civil war are high. I don't think either of those outcomes would be good for anyone in the world, and they'd definitely be disastrous for American citizens.

I don't mean to fearmonger here. I can't predict the future. I can't predict how resilient American institutions would prove to be. Perhaps they'll be stronger than expected. What I can say is that there's a realistic chance that if Trump wins, 2024 will be the last free and fair election in the United States for many years. As it is, we barely survived the 2020 election, and all indications are that Trump will be much, much worse this time around.

If you agree with me, please reblog this post, so that more people can see it.

And if you disagree with me, please read the attached piece before you hate on me.

[mossiistars]

i swear theyre different guys i swear

[mutedsybille]

Goofy silly man I like please ignore the typo in his name, for my defense, sergent is how it's written in french

Fuck why did I decide to like Sydney O. Sargent from a gay podcast, now I'm forced to cry as I listen to him have multiple breakdowns, anyways, have the unscanned versions from my crusty fuckass sketchbook

[dreamofmetoday]

PICK A CARD #1: WHAT DO PEOPLE THINK OF YOU

this is to tell you what common impression you give most people 💖

how to participate:

ask yourself, “what do people think of me?” and “how do people see me?”

choose the photo you feel most drawn to.

take as long as you need to choose, you can check more than one if you feel drawn to do so. however, if you are having trouble feeling called to any then this pick a card is not for you. these readings will be honest.

tip jar

1. people think you are shy and distant, that you have trouble standing up for yourself and that you hang back and stay invisible while other people shine. people will suspect that you act in underhanded ways to compensate for how you can’t stand up for yourself - manipulating others, acting smarter than you are, copying others to try and seem more appealing. they think you are giving and patient with others but work best behind the scenes and that you could be suited to teaching and guiding others in a quiet way. they think you hide your emotions, have deep thoughts and prefer to do solo activities.

2. people think you lack real direction in life, that you prefer to go wherever life takes you and that you are not stable. they think you are restless and that it causes you to act agitated, frustrated, strung out and even argumentative. they think you worry a lot and that you focus too much on missing out on things or focusing on what you don’t have and not appreciating what you do. despite the chaotic nature of your energy, people think you always land on your feet and have the energy and skill to keep yourself afloat. people think you keep many secrets and don’t trust your stories, believing that you lie a lot. they think you’re afraid to be alone.

3. people think you are magnetic, well put together and likely physically attractive. they think you rely on praise a bit too much for your own good and that you may not be as confident as you try to portray or wish to be. people think you are talented or pick up on things easier than others. they also think you have a good sense of timing and things seem to go your way even when you don’t deserve it. people think you indulge in gossip often and don’t trust you to be honest or be loyal. they think you don’t make good romantic choices or that you are too focused on waiting to be saved romantically.

4. people think you have a big head and that you can’t see yourself clearly, that you act more arrogant and entitled than you deserve. however, people do respect that you have good leadership qualities and don’t always mind that you put yourself in the position to be the boss, trusting that you will at least try to be fair when you feel you are being treated correctly. people fear your anger, thinking you are easy to get along with and then all of a sudden your mood switches and you are too angry - a volcano randomly erupting. they think you have good social skills and people may open up to you randomly and confide in you, but at the same time they think you are also cold and can become mean.

5. people usually like you easily, finding you warm, charming and approachable. people think you are a good conversationalist, a good listener and think you have high emotional intelligence. people think you are generous, giving and patient. they think you are good at being considerate and people often want to confide in you and think they can trust you. however, people also see you as slightly arrogant and self-centred and that you kind of wait for others and the world to come to you, that you don’t make the effort to be proactive and go after people or things yourself (that you can be lazy and lack purpose). people will also think that you can be fake and that you change your personality to fit certain situations or that you tell people want they want to hear and not what you really feel or think.

6. people think you are romantic and desire this strongly. they think that you hold onto toxic things, can’t let go of what’s not working and that you don’t stand for anything real. but at the same time, people think that you are never satisfied and always searching for greener grass - that you complain and self-victimise. people respect that you try and be empowered but think that you go about it in a way that lacks humility and integrity - that your “boundaries and standards” are sometimes just created in an attempt to get people to cater to you. people think you are anxious to please people you admire and can be overly loyal to them. people think you have trouble seeing things clearly and also think you are indecisive.

7. people think you are highly resilient and clever. people see you as someone who cannot be taken down easily and that you’re very switched on and street smart. people see you as highly loyal, responsible and dependable and think you easily connect to others and inspire trust in other people. people also think you have a childlike, playful and innocent quality so they are not walking on eggshells around you, but at the same time they find you judgmental, serious and think you have the ability to be very cruel. people think you are observant and know many secrets about people. you’re seen as heavily burdened but that it could also be your fault to an extent, this makes you also seen as a bit closed off and people think you prefer keeping to yourself.

8. people see you as very dramatic and that you “always have something going on”. people think you complain a lot, that you are depressive and mentally weak. they think you daydream about a better life but don’t really put action into it. people think you’re insecure and that you prefer to be more of a wallflower and watch people rather than participate in life. people think you lack common sense and the stuff you say seems very ungrounded. people think you prefer focusing on creative activities in your spare time and assume you may be into art, writing or consuming a lot of media.

9. people think you are someone who is very anxious and overthinks. people think that you easily get yourself into a rut and have periods of very low self-esteem and drive but that you manage to pull yourself out of it and make sure you get done what needs to get done - people see you as very up and down and unbalanced. people also think you don’t know what you want and you seem lost. people think you’re very secretive and that you are shy, nerdy and studious. people think you are not stubborn or arrogant and that you remain open to listening and learning. they also think you’re messy, don’t do chores and that you’re also likely unkempt.

10. people think you are a go-getter and that you don’t let life pass you by, that you take it upon yourself to earn money or create solid foundations to expand upon and that you can be a rock in others’ lives too - that others depend on you. people think you are a good worker but sometimes ruthless and amoral. however, people often believe you have your heart in the right place and that you have a lot of people you care about. people think you have a naive and unpredictable side, that you are attracted to “bad” things and have a tendency to indulge in things or people that could result in harmful consequences later (without thinking it all through properly). people think that you try hard to be the bigger person but that you only do it to be praised for being the bigger person and not out of true care for others or the situation.

11. people think you are always running away from problems, when things get tough (especially romantically) you just leave and start over and don’t see things through - you can’t settle in one place. people see you as fake happy and that your joy and positivity is a mask for deeper sadness. people think you are lonely and that you enjoy searching for answers and deeper meaning in things and hate superficiality - people may think you’re into things such as tarot and astrology and take it seriously, hoping it will give you all the answers.

12. people assume you have been hardened a bit by life but they think that you are generous, giving and wise (that you truly try to learn from your experiences). people believe that you are giving in an honest and true way and that you do it because you are a good person, but people think you can be overly submissive and that people try to take advantage of you - especially romantically or in the sense that people will sleep with you and then leave you after having gotten what they wanted because you overestimated them. people think your boundaries and standards are unclear and you don’t know when to give more and when to give up. people think you’re pretty emotional. people think you’re a bit awkward and have trouble maintaining a stable sense of identity (that you don't really know yourself).

[meloneta]

i'm tired i'm too tired to keep approaching people individually and i'm kinda done. i'm just gonna say this publicly once, please read this. the situation over here rn isn't about palestinians fighting for their human rights and freedom, if it were i would support it. the attacks on israel are by a terrorist organization named Hamas and you're more than welcome to look them up-their ideology is: number one that they see the muslim people as entitled to the land of israel/palestine (which i am not going to argue about, i don't agree nor disagree on that i quite literally don't care about that conversation), and number two that they need to kill jews. i'm not paraphrasing that's in their literal "covenant"- again, look it up- that they strive to kill all jewish people and see it as their obligation to do so. i hate this country and its government with every fiber of my being and the things israel has done (and still does) to palestinians are absolutely horrible and condemnable. with that said, the attacks rn aren't about that. they're not by palestinian citizens, they're by the terrorist group known as hamas. they do things that could not ever be done in the name of fighting for human rights or self-preservation. i am critical of israel but 1,100 innocent israeli civilians are dead since saturday. some are people i know and care about. so many were kidnapped and tortured. this IS complicated and you SHOULD educate yourself proparly on the matter before speaking and yes before reblogging random posts too. your opinion is your own but you must have the proper information before preaching it.

reblog this, don't reblog this, i don't really care anymore. but i had to say something.

[pizzainator]

I watched Jacks stream oh my gosh...

I thought I could handle a Dsmp stream in 2024 but nope. just- that felt SO much like just a stream that would happen in like 2021. the wandering around falling into random creeper holes, chat telling jack to get philza to help him, and to find michael, the mobs interrupting and how unplanned it all was. unscripted lore my beloved forever and ever.

the way that it's like in tommy and jacks conversation- they're talking about things in character that also relates to (presumably) their feelings in real life. just gosh...

when jack and tommy said their goodbyes and jack looked back at technos house to see the sun rising- like its so perfect in a way that the incidental roleplay always was. Like in the way I know I'm reading into it but it still works and it feels like real life when something happens and you find yourself in that moment and life looks almost like a movie- everything in it's proper place for the scene- but it's all just coincidence. the sun didn't rise because a writer wrote that it would. the sun just rises and falls and the conversation just happens to end at that exact moment.

idk just- I really felt it. It captured the feeling of peak dreamsmp that I've missed so much.

I don't even have a problem with nuke ending personally I think it's perfectly fine as an ending. How I've always seen it is: Everyones been hurt by everyone and violence begets violence so the great final act is nukes that will kill everyone that have all ready been launched so it can't be taken back. Then in the prison tommy sees the early parts of the server through Dreams pov and sees the good that was there at the start and how much that has been corrupted since and he wants that simplicity again (he and dream were even friends at one point) before everything went terrible for everyone. Dream turns his back on his plan that he's been building up to for so long cause what he really wants is the same thing as tommy. for things to be simple like at the start. but it's too late- its too far gone. the nukes have already been launched there's no going back. just the hope that maybe in another world things could've been different.

(also the added context of nuke ending being an elaborate character/relationship/map reset to setup a season 2 that never happened.)

So there's my nuke ending defense lol. I know it wasn't very popular with a vast amount of people and that's okay too.

I think ending something like dsmp was never gonna be easy or satisfy everybody, with how many individual povs there are and storylines. I always expected there to be things left unfinished. (unfinished symphony ;) Even if that's pretty unsatisfying for us viewers. (there's a particular stream I really wish had happened with foolish, dream, and eret)

idk there's a post I always remember when thinking about the ending that was like: "Maybe they couldn't write a happier ending at that time in their lives." (super paraphrasing) obviously talking about techno's passing. it's a bit assumptive but the CC's have talked publicly about how much that has affected them (of course it did). With something like that I imagine giving your minecraft server/roleplay character a happy ending is the last thing on your mind.

Todays stream felt like grief and nostalgia and complicated feelings for a time that has passed but still left it's marks on you:

“are you happier?” “I'm getting there”

like, that just says it all.

[mutedsybille]

Goofy silly man I like please ignore the typo in his name, for my defense, sergent is how it's written in french

Fuck why did I decide to like Sydney O. Sargent from a gay podcast, now I'm forced to cry as I listen to him have multiple breakdowns, anyways, have the unscanned versions from my crusty fuckass sketchbook

[dopepoisonivyoncrack]

Long post about this year, the things that made me leave and the future of this blog.

Unfortunately, I’m still alive so I will have to make a decision about this account eventually. One thing for sure, it won’t return to the way it used to be. 

I had a few moments when I felt like checking in but I remembered the last posts seen here and how bad it made me feel for months and any desire to enter blr instantly evaporated, for a while even any desire to draw or create anything.  

I had a talk with a friend the other day, they asked if it helped me leave. Not really. It was just 1 less thing in my life. I had plenty to deal with offline so having 1 less thing to make me feel bad was ok. However, it also meant having 1 less access to what could bring me some joy. For a good while it is like I just gradually lose things that make life enjoyable, all that is left is work and basic necessities like hygiene, food and sleep. With all the political and economical crisis in my country and social tensions, an uncertain future, I never felt more tired. 

If I had thoughts of returning, it was born of the intention to support the work of some friends I made here. It is, despite all that happened this year, the place where I met some good people and who, even now for Christmas, made some things that brought me joy, where I was introduced to series and characters that I love and probably wouldn’t have known otherwise.

I still made some drawings, and edits and gifs of Bleach episodes, although way less. I am still the fool that creates things without anyone asking me to. However, I don’t feel like sharing with empty accounts and those that followed me after seeing one of my art yet never bothered to give as much as a like or reblog or comment; nor with individualists that think they don’t owe anything to anyone, those that have no respect for artists or anyone really, those with the “do it for yourself�� discourse, those that shouted outraged that they “can’t be expected to give a note to EVERYTHING” even when no one asked that but simply asked for more interaction with things that they LIKE; who's feedbacks are still more easy to give to pretty much everyone around but not me, and those that made me feel unwanted so many times this year.

If you think you can go online and enjoy what others make yet you don’t owe anything back, not even as much as a like or reblog of the things that you like, think about how communities are built and why the place you logged into even exists, where do all these things that you enjoy as you scroll come from, who and why they made it. People don’t owe you sharing their creation either. I don’t owe sharing my art either, nor my thoughts, headcanons and analysis on characters, or gifs and edits. No one asked me to do it either, I did do it for myself first, because I wanted to. Yet I shared with others in spaces that are made for sharing, a common ground to interact about common interests. 

Despite the rise of individualistic utopia, I have this human condition where I care about the pieces I put a lot of time and effort into (and sometimes money because I do traditional art), and can’t be indifferent about how it’s received when I share it; and I feel good and motivated to do more if I get people telling me they like it; and it hurts to give so much of myself only to 

see people saying that no one asked me to do it, they don’t owe anything to anyone, how dare I expect anything in return, that if I share I should be indifferent to its treatment, be thankful if anyone even gives it a like (obviously its purpose has been completed when I did it for myself, so why should I care what happens to it after I share it when there are so many entitled beings out there that expect nice things to look at and scroll over)

have people on a server react to every piece around and skip mine specifically

notice people in the same circles and people that followed me interacting so much with all other works posted in the same period yet not with mine, even though they are not better than mine, sometimes even worse

be told that I exaggerate because there are works with less notes - and it's those done by the amateurs with no aesthetic sense, horrendous pieces not only for their anatomy but for the colors, compositions, the vibe they give. I’m doing better than rock bottom, thanks, I was starting to have these ideas of self-worth and that I deserve better

have people comment only to tell me what they would change about it or other rude comments and tags

only to never be enough.

Of course, assholes and people that simply do not care will always be around, no matter what I say or how many times I say it they will be coming on my blog or interacting with a post oblivious of this, and it may not be a situation where I need to be the one leaving… but it has become an irredeemable situation that ruins my experience and I lose any desire to share. When met with attitudes like this it all just feels pointless. You don’t owe anything to anyone, I don’t owe you either, why are we here then? You still feel entitled enough to come online and be fed. I refuse to share my works with people that don’t deserve it. 

If I want to share art with some friends I can do so in places like my Discord server. If I post online, it becomes available for everyone and considering what made me leave, nothing changed and I don’t feel like sharing anymore. Especially not with the BG3 fanbase. If you don't like me and what I do then idk why you follow me.

Also please spare me any lectures. I am tired of being invalidated every time I talk about this. So many seem to be so illuminated about everything but the weight of words and the consequences they have on others despite their intentions.  

That being said, I am grateful for the ones that were kind to me this year, to all that left supportive comments, liked and reblogged. At least for the first few months, I got more positive feedback than ever and it motivated me to do more art in a few months than I did in years. The somewhat constant practice also helped me improve again and I drew some of my favorite pieces yet. It is no coincidence they are all BG3 pieces. It brought me a lot of joy to know that my thoughts on Bleach, Askin specifically, inspired people and made some like his character more, that my ramblings amounted to something good and even fics.

I still don’t know what led to things going downhill here, I know real life issues were the main culprit in my deteriorating mental health and it made dealing with the crap online too much and pointless. This should be my source of joy, but I was let down when I would’ve needed a community the most. It is exactly because I drew more and shared more only for my efforts to be ignored that made it sting worse and nothing I did was enough. And to suggest that I’m the bad guy for trying to connect and share and I’m wrong for being upset, that I just don’t do enough … that was the last drop. Maybe it wasn’t people’s intention to hurt me specifically but they ended up contributing to it regardless. 

It sucks that letting the door open for some good things to come also means letting in the bad ones, but for now at least I will let it open because I really need any scrap of good.

[whelpimnauthuman]

Spouse and I are fighting so I need your help

Please reblog for larger sample size and lemme know what you do in the notes!