#anyway i no longer want to die about it but i do want to go climb a tree so.
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Day twenty-seven of āobligatory sugar baby Konā behind the cut. prev: ((Ā chronoĀ ||Ā non-chronoĀ ))
They spend a lot longer than Tim actually expects Kon to want to spend on that ācouple thingsā, since obviously they canāt start with the exciting stuff and he just assumes Kon will get bored in about thirty secondsā worth of Tim Drakeās awkward and over-detailed explanations of every little thing and also will experience immediate regret about admitting that he both doesnāt know how to do something and isnāt going to be immediately good at said something. Any time Konās not immediately good at something theyāre doing in training he gets mad or pissy or at least frustrated and acts like a total asshole about it, but right now . . .Ā
Kon falls off the board and lands on his ass for the third time and for the third time just grins up at him sheepishly, and Tim feels very weird and not-normal and sort of justāsmitten about it, really.Ā
āThis is way different from surfing,ā Kon says with a laugh, shaking his head, which is a little surprising to hear for some reason. If nothing else, Tim wouldāve expected Kon to get even more frustrated, if he was assuming any apparent surfing experience mightāve helped him out here. He has heard it usually does, so maybe Konās just out of practice or his own standards are just, uhāa little too Bat, maybe.Ā
āIs it?ā he asks, offering Kon a hand up again. Kon did it for him earlier, and anyway, it kinda makes him feel like carrying the otherās bags for him and being trusted with his weight feels. And Kon takes his hand, just like the last two times, and lets him help him up like thereās literally any reason he needs to bother to. āIāve never tried surfing.āĀ
āItās wicked,ā Kon says, grinning at him again and giving his hands a quick squeeze before heading over to retrieve the board from where it skidded when he fell. He does not fall like a Bat, but he definitely does know how to. Heās just also clearly expecting his falls to be more of a āterminal velocityā situation than a ātripping off a skateboardā situation. Which, likeāfair, yeah. āYou gotta use your arms way more, though, and like, it just feels way more like youāre riding something, you know? Concrete just kinda sits there and thereās way less wind to worry about.āĀ
āOh, yeah, I never really thought about the wind,ā Tim says. Waves, definitely, but he didnāt follow the thought to its logical conclusion. āPretty sure people based skateboarding on surfing to start, though, so is it really that different? Like, mechanically?āĀ
āI dunno,ā Kon says with a shrug, tucking the board under his arm and trotting back over to him. āI mean, kinda? But also wheels are way harder to feel the ground through ācuz theyāre spinning the whole time, so sometimes I get dizzy if I hold onto āem too much. And like, water moves a lot more than concrete, but the boardās totally flat against it, so likeāeasier to feel it, I guess? Just feels, like, more intense, kinda.āĀ
ā. . . thatās really interesting, but are you seriously trying to use your TTK when you skate?ā Tim asks, trying not to laugh at the idea even though he definitely shouldāve expected it. āYouāre such a cheater.āĀ
āHey, I use TTK when I everything, thanks, and itās not cheating!ā Kon protests with another laugh, which is definitely not the way Superboy wouldāve responded to Robin saying something like that. āYouāre not cheating when you use your frigginā ears and eyes, are you?āĀ
āOh, blind skateboarding, that sounds terrifying,ā Tim muses, and Kon laughs again.Ā
āIād die! Youād die!ā he says, sounding incredibly delighted about the prospect.Ā
āSo Iām hearing we start with the low ramps, then,ā Tim replies reasonably.Ā
āOh my god, Tim,ā Kon cackles, and then ducks in close to throw his free arm around his neck and kiss him again, his TTK wrapping around him for just a quick flash of pressure of its own.Ā
Tim feelsāvery weird, again.Ā
Specifically, he feels very weird hearing Konās voice saying his real name, especially right before kissing him. Kissing him, and also wrapping him up completely in the power he just identified as being as important and natural to him as his hearing and vision and, presumably, any other senses are.Ā
And again, Kon is clearly really, really tactile, so thatās hard not to be weird about too.Ā
Kon leans back, back to grinning at him, and Tim feels vaguely mortified and vaguely like eating him alive and also like this date has gone absolutely nothing like he planned, despite his best efforts. Kon brought him a present and he hasnāt bought Kon anything but an amount of grilled cheese sandwiches that can only be described as āinadvisableā and has in fact spent way more money on himself than he has on Kon, plus theyāve spent basically the whole date so far doing things he likes, notāĀ
āUm, just in case like a building collapses or a supervillain happens or whatever and I gotta run off early, um . . . thanks. For tonight, I mean,ā Kon says, the grin heās barely dropped briefly slipping into something a little shyer, and Tim stares blankly at him for a moment and feels like an insane person, or at least like he maybe just hallucinated that. āIām really having fun.āĀ
Tim needs to check on the possibility of hallucinations, yeah.Ā
āYou are?ā he asks, fully bewildered by the idea, and Kon laughs again.Ā
āObviously, you frickinā nerd!ā he says, then gives him a quick, sheepish smile and another peck on the cheek before turning that almost-inhuman shade of red again and pulling back, putting the board in front of himself and between them. Tim gently simmers to a boil and breaks down into a broth as every single ounce of meat in his body falls right off the bone. āI always have fun with you.āĀ
. . . Tim is maybe less a broth and now more, like, a stew that somebody left in the crockpot all day, or however Mrs. Mac used to do it.Ā
āOh,ā he says, desperately trying to remember how to string a functional sentence together that does not sound like a dropped typewriter. āUhāgood! Good. UmāIām glad. Good. Me, uhāme too.āĀ
Kon blushes even darker and grins at him again, rocking back on his heels for a moment.Ā
āCool,ā he says. āUmāthanks, Tim. Again. Some more. I dunno.āĀ
Tim, again, feels very weird about hearing Kon say his real name, and some part of him kind of thinks, in an odd and distant wayādid he just, like . . . forget how to just . . . not be Robin? Likeāhow to turn it off, and just feel the actually genuine things as Tim Drake, and not just the mask or the sidekick or the namesake?Ā
Well, that canāt be good.Ā
Kon keeps grinning at him, half-shadowed in the Gotham night and half-lit by electric Gotham streetlights and looking nothing like anything else Timās ever seen in Gotham, and Tim is definitely going to need to pencil in a couple hours on Sunday night to be an incoherent mess about him and also maybe, like . . . process some things, maybe. Think some stuff through. Adjust someāĀ
āSo like, wanna go make out for a while in the full pipe?ā Kon suggests hopefully, tipping his head towards it, and Tim forgets literally every single layer of other thoughts he was having. They are literally no longer relevant to anything and he does not care about a single one of them.Ā
āYeah, okay,ā he says, maybe a little too red himself now, and Kon grins.Ā
The full pipe helpfully informs them both that Tim can, in fact, give Kon a hickey if the other lets him, and helpfully informs Tim that he is never, ever going to be able to be in the same tri-state area as a mind-reader again.Ā
Well, he should probably be avoiding those for the next fifteen years anyway, so whatever.
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can anyone else vividly picture spiderverse milesganke + miscommunication + "what's so great about the other universes anyway" + ganke is worried he's replaceable + this never even occurs to miles and ganke is (will always be) his best friend + ganke's reluctance to help with spider-man stuff is because he doesn't know how to say he wants miles to stay and ganke's got this irrational fear that when he figures it all out (miles is smart, so it's a matter of when) he's not coming back + awkward fight about it where miles feels like ganke doesn't support him + reassurance/hurt comfort and a heart to heart that is starting to make miles think ganke's not just a friend. anyone? :) ?
#i want to draw this saur bad im going to die.#literally i am a little obsessed with how the opening to atsv doesnt like. say it but ganke is not as invested as other counterparts--#--in helping miles/spider-man. and i like to think there is a reason for that. a lgbt reason even (<- dying)#anyways. to do list grows longer#itsv#milesganke#i know why they had to write him out but im about to make things up to explain why he seems so much more distant!!!!! ALL BY MYSELF!!!!
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7am, eating cold leftover teriyaki stir-fry for breakfast and crying over blorbos
#normal Saturday morning behavior#redacted spoilers#redacted audio#redacted sam#Seven.txt#rp audio stuff#well. crying over one singular blorbo in particular. Sam's still got me in an emotional chokehold#and i'm too sad to even make a stupid little joke abt how i wouldn't mind if it was a physical one too. ayeee *insert sad eyebrow wiggle*#no but seriously. i have so many feelings abt him and i can't even say it all bc some of it isn't public info yet#eh fuck it i'll just draft this until the audio goes public and then i'll post it once it's no longer Exclusive Info#bc i dont wanna leak Early Access stuff but i have to get this out of my system rn and the new audio is part of what sparked these thoughts#which is funny bc i. literally haven't even listened to it yet. i'm not Ready š#where's that tiktok screenshot that's like. 'hyperfixation so bad that i can't even engage with the source material' bc that's me rn#like bro Sam only won the poll like. 2 or 3 days ago and Eric is Already dropping a new Sam audio?? hello? Mr. Redacted i wasn't prepared#anyways i was spoiling myself by perusing the comments last night trying to get a feel for if it's gonna be more angst or comfort#and i saw a comment that absolutely shattered me. and it reignited all my sad thoughts about Sam's eventual. uh. y'know. death.#apparently they plant a tree together or smthn in the new audio (which already has me & my beloved 10y/o orange tree feeling some kinda way#but to the individual in the comments who brought to all our minds the image of Sam sitting beneath that tree in 30 or so years time#when he's decided that he's ready to die and sits out there waiting for the sun to rise..................... š„²#i'm gonna need u to compensate me for all of that unexpected emotional damage /j /nm#i'm Still not over what he told Darlin' while they had their talk about the future up on his roof together. that audio killed me#then yesterday i was listening to my Sam & Darlin' playlist while cleaning. and Malibu Nights by LANY came on. which i always skip bc Sad#but i let it play and just started crying. standing in the middle of the room all disheveled and holding a broom. as one does.#iirc that song is one that Eric himself said is applicable to Sam which is why/how i found it and put it on the playlist. and god. g o d#hm. i hope that wasn't Patreon exclusive info. i can't remember if it was a public post where he said that or not. hope it's okay to share#but if we can take that song as like. unofficial canon for Sam then that also confirms my idea that he used to drink to cope#which makes the opening lines of Fix What You Didn't Break by Nate Smith even more applicable. i should go edit that post actually#anyways i'm just. feeling a lot. and i love Sam very much and i don't want him to die. but i want him to do what he wants at the same time#Alexis took so fucking much from him. he deserves to live - and end - his life on his own terms. ... i think i need to go write something#*casually fishes this post out of the drafts 3 and a half days later* hi so uh. i wrote a 4k oneshot :) and will hopefully post it tomorrow
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not-yet-dead-person
silly comic of a conversation in-game i thought was too funny not to make something proper for instead of a doodle ww
(timelapse + wip images (thus silly process commentary in read more if you like artist commentary :3)
i think the sketch looks silly and goofy and funny so i find it important to share with you the mere presence of the faces i drew on it. i drew it on top of the boxes without staying inside its borders because i find my proportions can get wonky if i draw them cropped in a restricted space. and I feel trapped otherwise and i will draw BAD!!! give me spaceeeee to go wild!!!!
the head circles are there for emotional support
very low res speedpaint because truth is the canvas was much bigger than the space where my comic was placed. i didnt account when exporting my timelapse in 720px that that tiny space would look so pixelated ... but it's able to be percieved, so its okay.
(i will now comment on my process and it is not brief sorry)
usually i would try to clean up my sketches and figure out what goes on top before jumping into linework, but since there are multiple panels and drawings i chose to jump into inking right away for the sake of brevity. i just went in with a brush that uses pen pressure and drew what was needed. i added extra line thickness and contrast in areas around the face because it helps direct your eyes there more easily that way.
according to her equipment rei has a chain belt but i only remembered it existed once I was going to color, and i did not like that discovery... I chose to ignore it to maintain my peace. i already have the color palettes for these characters figured out, and i didnt really want to think about a new element at the moment www I tend to overthink those things a lot so i skipped it
the rest is rather straightforward! not that anything else wasn't, but in here i could turn my brain off and sing. linework and sketching require mumbling so i cannot turn my brain off. just block in the characters with a solid color so i can have a mask (something along those lines,) where the color can stay inside. then just color in !!!
Base colors just had slight cell shading on the skin, and for the hair i airbrush a bit of the skincolor in low opacity near the forehead... I'm not sure what it means, but i can look at the faces easier with it somehow. i like the gentle subtlety it adds even if you cant really tell. it makes things look nice.
background was just me blocking in the color of the wall and floor, shade the wall a bit, then slap a noise and free use wood texture on top. work smarter not harder ! yet it took a bit to make it look stylistically fitting with the characters, and even now i think bottom middle panel looks odd. whatever!!!
for the middle panel i thought itd be funny if the background was a solid silly and colorful one to contrast the next panel's sketchy black one. a contrast to how the word widow is seen. on that note my handwritting is not pointy. i gaslighted my hand into thinking that it was indeed pointy in that moment so i could write "not-yet dead person" in letters that didn't seem cute. my hand did not fall for it but it complied anyway
that's basically it! I'm not sure what else i could say that doesn't feel barebones because it really is that straightforward. if you're curious I used clip studio paint for this. only special brush used was for linework (a brush named Lemon Brush), the rest used were just the default. my computer gets the least credit. it was trying to convince me a 20mb file was going to nuke it all the time and hardly let me save multiple times so i do not appreciate it
#re:kinder#fanart#sayaka re:kinder#rei re:kinder#OH I ALREADY RAMBLED IN MY POST WHATEVER SHOULD I TALK ABOUT NOW IN MY TAGS UEEEEEEEššš#oh yeah do you want to know a fun fact about this drawing#i started it yesterday. i wasnt meant to I DID NOT HAVE PERMISSION...FROM MYSELF... i was meant to be on break#i self imposed a one week break from doing any rekinder related project after the transcript to avoid accidental burn out#NOT THAT I GOT TIRED OF IT AFTER THAT TRANSCRIPT NOT AT ALL#but jumping straight into more hours of creativr work after over 30 hours of it is asking for disaster. it is asking for burn out#yesterday was the last day . 12 hours were left but i was going to die if i didnt draw anything it would have been OVER#(aka my period started recently so i got very gloomy and depressed so i needed to run to my favorite stress relief...drawing rekinderāŗļø)#(on that note seriously what the fuck please explain the evolutionary advantage to getting horribly depressed every month)#(like hello?!?! rant real quickā i get enough flashbacks everyday i DONT need them to last longer and have me more msierable ?!?!?)#(periods are so dangerous to my mental health for no reason can i get a restriction order on them or some shit what the fuck)#(anyway thats enough of that break of character DONEEEE :3333)#SO YEAH I DIDNT EVEN LAST 7 WHOLE DAYS i even played a new game in between those 6 days youd think itd het my mind of rekinder. WRONNNNGGG#not even another devastating rpg horror gamr could divert my attention for long i hsd to draw rekinderš#using the newfound power of mt transcript i was decided on drawing rei because i dont draw her enough for how high she is on my fvaorites#i was initially doodling random lines but then i stumbled upon this interactkon and it doesnt really fit into my usual expression sheets#so i thought hey lets do it asife#i thumbnailrd it and from there i was like hey lets do it in comic format isntead of separated messy doodles in tint canvas#and the rest is hisotry .... aka i spent the last two days doing this instead of doing MY HOMEWORK!!!!!#on my defense when i wasnt drawing i was horribly depressed i had no other choice#(seriously fuck off periods WHAT what do you mean i need to be distracted 24/7 to not be struck by crippling meltdowns LEAVE ME ALONE?!?!?)#(they should be banned we as a society should find like a . cure to them it dont do me good to have a whole week where i cant function)#these tags have been more of a weird rant im sorry IVE BEEN FEELING PEEEVEDDD LATELY SO YOU GET. STRANGE DROTTER LORE ????
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had an absolute shit day at work, got off of work, remembered lando and oscarās beef, almost started crying, went on twitter, saw that they ate mcdonalds and played monopoly on the plane back to monaco, almost started crying again, no longer feel like shit thank you and goodnight
#no bc my day at work was lowkey terribleeeee šššš#had TWO people call and yell at me and the first one was literally so bad that my bosses and everyone else that works there was APPALLED#when they read the transcript of the call and said it was one of the worst calls theyāve ever seen#iāve worked here for literally five days and three of those werent even me actually working and answering calls#so anyway that was cute but they all said i handled the situation well so thereās THAT#which. realized how much i actually cannot handle praise because i still feel a bit weird about that#anyway#got off work and then had literally twenty minutes to myself where i actually could be alone with my thoughts#and OBVIOUSLY ended up thinking of landoscar like any normal person would#and then got incredibly sad and felt a pit of despair in my chest#and then went on twitter and saw the article saying that theyāre fine#so like. i no longer feel like actually blowing my brains out#at least until i think about landos radios and then i want to die again but what can you do#anyway. i have to be up at 8:30am so i will very much be going to sleep soon because i am Tired#and i really hope i donāt uave to deal with that entire situation again at work tomorrow because thereās a chance i will lol#lacey talks
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my monthly overthrow the tsaritsa post. you do not need to owe your loyalty to anyone but me i think. abandon your god for the prettiest wife this universe could ever provide a warrior. Ajax Iām speaking directly into your ear
#what do you need to be the cryo archon that i donāt have anyway. my body temperature is constantly colder than a corpseās & im full of love.#there.#if i was the cryo archon iād simply send all the harbingers on retirement. no longer affiliated with me. if we lock eyes once more we battle#except ajax. he can be the one & only harbinger remaining. forever & ever & ever & ever under my protection & blessing.#heād have the world! he wants the world doesnāt he? he has voicelines about conquering the world?#sweetheart iāll play the judge; jury & executioner if thatās what it takes.#i am going to personally put the head of every active authority on a stick . if that is what it takes to see his dreams to completion#PLEASE. PLEASE. PLEASE#YOU NEED TO GIVE UP YOUR LOYALTY .#WHAT DOES THAT FROSTY HARLOT OFFER !#SHEāS A FAILED GOD. LET HER GO. LET HER DIE. KILL HER. PLEASE#forget your god .pleas e#sheās nothing. sheās literally nothing.#Iām fucking shaking the bars of my cage as we speak. foaming at the mouth#pleaseeeeee please please please please please please please lease please please please please please#yes it is half past 2 am. how could you tell#ā§.*š¹
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Poll adventure (paventure? lol) Day 3: read the small story tidbit below the poll for more details, OR just vote based on initial impression
(ā¦ see past poll results + further information HERE (link) ā¦)
The winning option of yesterday's poll was that the adventurer should throw a coin into the mysterious well ā¦.
"After nearly ten minutes rummaging through the disorganization at the bottom of his backpack, he finally approaches the well once again, meager coin pouch in hand. He meticulously balances a little golden coin on the tip of his thumb, positioning it just so for an elegant coin flipā¦ With a flick of his hand, the coin wobbles off, anticlimactically dropping into the darkness.. He pouts, leaning in to listen for a plonk as the coin hits the water butā¦ nothingā¦. silence.. A few minutes pass and he shrugs, moving to pick up his bag and just continue his journey elsewhere, when suddenly a faint noise echoes from the well.. an almost cartoonish plopping sound, like wet feet slapping against stone..? The pitter patter grows closer and closerā¦then stops abruptly. The adventurer cautiously slinks over to the well, only to find.. a creature of some sort, clinging to the walls, staring up at him blankly. - What should he do next?"
#paventure posting#polls#choose your own adventure#(I saw a few people tag these as that and I guess it makes sense. hmm)#DAY 3!!! vote to choose this little man's fate#Sad that people did not want to go into the well.. :( Maybe we can still go in depending on how things go with#The Creachure. I mean I know I could just make whatever happen anyway since I'm the one doing it but. It has to feel natural lol#it would be obviously just me doing what I want if I was like 'oh uh we went to throw the coin in the well but he tripped and#fell and then somehow didnt die and whoops he's in the well anyway!!'' lol#I care more about things being realistic and natural than following whatever ideas seem interesting. If it was voted for him to explode#into a million pieces sadly I would simply have to explode him. audience says#let me know if the formatting of this is weird?? also? I wasn't sure where to put the slightly longer bit of text#so I kept it under a reas more just to the post looks neater. I thought it'd seem weird with a bunch of text blocks sandwiching the poll#and too much going on. But I also feel like it's organizationally weird if all the details are at the end? eh..#bt then at least it's optional. not everyone will want to read more. And it's not like.. amazing text lol#I'm slapping them out off of the top of my head with minimal editing because I have to get it done and I know if I make it too complicated#or become concerned with like things being Perfectly Revised then I will absolutely not be able to do it once a day#Same with the obvious sketchy ms paint art lol. But so like. I dont feel as bad about kind of having the text be options#*optional since it's not like 'omg this is so good u have to read this' it's like.. eh.. passable amount of detail ghbj#ANYWAY. and 'paventure' (poll + adventure) is just temporary so I have a way to tag this on the blog/keep up with the posts#in a organized way. I think 'padventure' is more obvious but that's already the name of other things and I didnt want the tags to be#confusing or like.. post in some random tag that people already use for something else#but the only thing I found when googling 'paventure' is like. .some venture capital business from PA. and who cares about that lol#explanation probably not needed but I think it sounds a bit silly so I'm justifying myself to myself lol#ANYWAY. lov his silly hat. I want to draw him more. I want to name him. I COULD DO A POLL TO CHOOSE A NAME#but that wouldn't fit in with any of the days lol. maybe if I make it a week actually doing it or something at the end of the week#I could do a bonus poll or something. ??? idk.. ANYWAY.. new day!
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Me when we don't speak anymore by bears in trees
#lizzierants#had a sudden unplanned job interview today. i wanted to cry the whole time but managed to keep it together and now the anxiety has suddenly#caught up to me and it feels BAD the sudden thought of that what if my friends just dont actually like me and they like me purely because#theyre worried for what would become of me if they stopped being friends with me when purely of course id be fine eventually but i worry#that cause im on antidepressants people just think im automatically suicidal when something bad goes wrong which is not the case im doing#good i dont want to die but what if all my friends hate me what if this whole time i have loved them so so much and they just tolerate me#someday my friends will die and i had that i hate that someday we wont be friends even if its decades in the future i love all of them with#my heart that sometimes i feel it is overfilling i love them i love them and what am i without them i am everything i have ever loved i am#overthinking however i cannot stop this what if my own best friend is avoiding me? why am i thinking this? what evidence do i have to back#this up? nothing only for the fact my own brain feels as though i love people too much and they are uncomfortable with it i feel awful wtf#i have learned to keep my emotions from people because i dont want them to worry. i dont want people to do something or not do something bec#ause they think it will upset me i want people do do as they please i want to be open for my friends to share their issues i want to help#and im sitting here wirrying if they hate me so i turn here to shout in the void because the only person i know irl who follows me on here#most likely doesnt read these tags and if you are please ingore this i misjudged your terrible attention span also i love you very much#anyway a few weeks ago i realised my worst fear is no longer death. but the death of my friendship with my beloved friend. and thats fucking#terrifying prospect however if they were to be like yo i dont like you anymore id respect that decision and id be okay because their happine#is the most important thing to me and thats okay but i couldnt bare with the fact that they feel like they had to be ffiends with me because#they have to. i hate the prospect of them feeling trapped in a friendship theh dont want to be in. all the while i feel i cannot communicate#this to anyone because how would i go about it im very anxious i am shaking i am having a bad time very bad time actually im going to start#crying but its okay <3 crying is good for stress and health and its been a while since ive cried so maybe this will help me feel better <3#i will heal and ill be okay <3
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good news and bad news.
good: did get in to see the doctor on friday, got some meds, attacking this shit from many angles, feeling much better already!
bad: feeling perhaps a little TOO better, considering it's 1AM and i'm fucken WIRED lmao
#text#personal#forreal i need these to kick the inflammations ass but i do NOT!!!! need to run a marathon about it!!!!!#im taking this one with lunch tomorrow instead of dinner š¤£#the antibiotics do make me nauseous on the recommended No Food (weird right????) so ive started doing With Food#i was also given an inhaler which ive been too scared to try because the third side effect is. DEATH.#on the plus side my heart rate IS significantly down from the baseline 1-fucken-30 it was on friday#unclear if that was period related in addition to being Illness And AnxieTea Related (yeah period started too)#anyway i no longer want to die about it but i do want to go climb a tree so.#ALSO THE X RAY RESULTS SAID NO ABNORMALITIES except hyperinflated lungs slightly lmaoooo#anyway heres a bunch of personal howling into the void dont mind me#i fucken hate infections š« #p sure this is post covid bullshit
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wow who would have thunk the reason the Tragedy of Sablier went down was not because of some intricate political intrigue, the four Dukedoms wanting to grab the power of the Abyss for themselves, the Baskervilles made to become the scapegoats for the Tragedy etc. etc.
but because...... every player in the backstory is I N S A N E
(I haven't read a wilder backstory for anything than this,, Retrace 66-74 what even are you???????? WHAT DO YOU MRAN OZ IS B_RABBIT DOES IT EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE??!?!?)
#pandora hearts#may-reads-ph#past arc#i-i-i will write a longer post for sure i just.... need to *screams*#i am remembering cheshire cat's words (the og one):#you can go this way or that everyone is mad here#but in all seriousness what in the world is wrong with levi baskerville?#he took one look at a lonely depressed girl and went: oh no poor dear you look at you aren'tcha gonna die anyway?#how about i impregnate you so that you can go give birth in Hell? ļæ½ļæ½ļæ½#i want to yeet his ass to hell#he is the embodiment of Mad Scientist#all for the sake of ExPerIMEntatiONS#he is the root cause of all that went down#also is anything that he said even...true?? i mean we have only his word to trust?#was it even really necessary to cast lacie into the abyss?? or did he just make oswald do that so he can test out his theories??#and then he tells everything to jack an outsider and not to lacie's big bro it felt like he wanted to intentionally cause the tragedy#on the other hand jack took one look at the new glen (oswald) and went: i am about to end this man's whole career
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I'm so stressed I need an off button
#rant#i abolutely wish i was one of the people who like dissassociated when stressed or vomited or something#instead i just get imminently closer to a panic attack#and once i GET the panic attack i get very self harmy and suicidal like actively grabbing objects suicidal#i tell ya what i FEEL tense and i do not want my hands grabbing pans to try and beat me with#i do not wanna go into a panic attack and feel my entire brain screaming to bash myself into walls at full strength#in an illogical attempt to pass out and no longer have to endure the goddamn panic attack#panic attacks feel like a demon actively torturing me and my brain is offline and i only have vague control of my arms and legs a little#and all i want at those points is to either fix Mundane Mistake which launched the pamic attack#(and is unfixable during a panic attack cause rational thought is offline AND i cant breathe anyway)#or to die immefiately cause if i was dead i wouldnt need to fix any Mistakes or endure the awful torture of a panic qttack#i think in a past life maybe i was a fucking warrior or wilderness bitch idk#but for all the logic in the world i have and calm in Actual emergencies#when a little life mistake happens with looming disaster my brain short circuits to panic attaxk and then i have 30% chqnce or#of killing myself#and im NOT happy about it!!!!#i hate panic attacks!!!!#i am my own biggest danger on earth man#nothing tries to kill me as much as my own brain and body
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ummmm
#oh mika there is beauty in life~ look at your future! everything will be worth it in the end~#my favorite image on this device btw ^#cw negative#cw vent#you know where this is going. apologies my mind is a mess and i really just need to get it out because i find its better than-#-writing a semi formal email to that One (1) emotional support organization and iām afraid to make a call so#but i just genuinely believe things would be better off if i werenāt alive. a bit of a silly thing to jump to i know but#my tuition fees aren't cheap and i'm not even that great of a student or a daughter or a sister and i-#-have no talents or remarkable feats. iām not impressive in any way. and i hate hearing shit about how ^_^ its okay! we all have something-#-special about ourselves! for example maybe you have really good hand writing and thats good enough ~ but that doesn't work for me because-#-i have nothing. my handwriting isn't good my singing isn't good i'm not artistically gifted i don't have some random affinity for puzzles-#-i'm not charming or somehow really good at calculation or super creative or a really comforting friend i really have nothing at all#i donāt want to die. i have no plans on doing that sort of thing anytime soonā donāt misunderstand me#i just wholeheartedly believe i donāt deserve to be here anymore not because iām not loved. i just canāt stand myself and my teenage years-#-feel so long and i'm so fragile how much longer do i have to tolerate. i'm contributing nothing. why should my family have to feed and-#-clothe a burden like me who provides nothing. why should my friends care for someone like me. iām not really that funny or sweet or great-#-with advice giving or pretty or helpful in any way. why is it that life is genuinely easier for others. what did i do? what can i do?#how much longer must i tolerate this? would you believe me if i said i really did try to change my mindset this time?#i have no one in real life to talk to. therapists are pricey and i donāt think mine was helping me in any way anyways. she was nice though#so every night i sleep hoping i wake up somewhere else. somewhere where i'm happier and i can live all my silly fantasies where i'm a fun-#-and lovely person who has everything she wants and nothing goes wrong ever!!#how much longer must i hang onto the little things. iām in such an exruciating amount of pain that i want to kill myself without dying? lol#everyone repeats the same stuff. get bit#i can't rely on the joy of having coffee every morning or persevere for the sake of seeing cute cats on insta. nothing will ease the burden
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why is showing somebody my drawings just sharing a thing I made but showing somebody my writing is like having fucking blood drawn
#I mean it's mostly because I've been sharing visual art for a lot longer than I've been sharing writing. I guess#but it's like. it's disproportionate#if I show somebody art I obviously want them to like it but it's not the end of the world if they don't. I'll be fine and I'll keep drawing#if I show somebody writing I can't think about it. I have to leave and pretend it is not happening#and then if they have feedback I will die. and if they don't have feedback I will also die#it's not just intensely personal writing that does this btw it's literally anything written#I just do it anyway because what else am I going to do#xenon's writing tag#...the blood drawing metaphor got lost in there a little bit but you get what I mean maybe
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ok well what if. i swapped luke and asch. for my time travel au. just at the very end.
#.text#tales of the abyss#listen okay i have some thoughts about it.#mostly in that i think that luke had it planned for a while. to the point where he mightve told jade in advance.#that if at some point the next day in hod. if luke disappears and does not come back. do not look for him.#because i think luke is probably thinking. he has had the chance to say goodbye. but asch has not. and he doesnt want to take that away#for a second time. so he thinks hes doing asch a kindness#whereas asch thinks hes being cruel. like for all theyve been able to make up over while they were trying to get to that point#i dont think asch is capable of understanding luke while in such stressful situations. he acts like he thinks calm under pressure#and maybe he is calm Enough that he knows what to do and how things will end. but that does not change how he actually acts.#and the whole point of the time travel au is that they learn to understand each other. and for asch to understand himself.#and i dont think he'd be able to fully understand luke without a) seeing how his friends react and talk about him#in a setting that isnt The Middle Of Battle or after the events of akzeriuth (ie high stress situations)#b) being given the chance to live longer than him in a situation where luke decided to switch places.#like i truly think the tower of rem. where luke first decided to switch places and die in asch's stead. is when asch started to Understand#am i making ANY sense#anyways its also because there is meaning and symbolism to it (duh!!)#because there is no mystery epilogue man in this au š«¶ he is gone they are both gone. they got their chance to come back#and they used it as wisely as they could. and they got to live. if only for a little bit longer.#oh im remembering. luke's body disappears when he dies. asch is going to disappear into the core alone. nvm au cancelled#wow isnt that symbolic. asch is alone yet again. thumbs down#i know the order of their deaths and especially how they die have meaning (asch dies for luke as luke almost died for him.#he extends his newfound trust into luke as his final action. etc etc) (and luke only getting to be close to asch once hes dead)#but thats already happened and both of those things get to also happen again over the course of Redoing History#as you do in time travel aus#momentarily considered having luke live after the fight with the knights but tbh i dont think either of them could have won that fight#like they are both actively dying. the only thing holding luke together is sticks and glue. and asch is in pain 24/7.#there are dozens of well trained knights fighting with the intent to kill. and they were alone. either of them would have died then#if they fought together it would be different but there just. was not any time#it was too late. and also i ran out of tags goodbye
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dropping thoughts like laundry into the aromanticism washing machine and watching them spin. taking little notes in a fancy journal titled "greyro??" and crossing them out, but then going back and scribbling an addendum. holding up an extravagant glass beaker full of a cool bubbling potion and peering at it through safety glasses that say "mind the amatonormativity!"
#i think there are two layers of questioning to deal with#the first layer is easier to see and that's the trauma-related layer#the second layer has been going stealth for years and is more intrinsic#the second layer *could* have been a contributing factor toward the first#so anyway the question is. as i work through the trauma and have the support of a therapist to deal with the first layer#does the second layer become an issue. or is there only the first and it's just worked itself deep enough that it now feels intrinsic#the thing is i do get crushes and i do yearn and i can't remember a time when i didn't crave the idea of a relationship#so that should be that right? not aro. at least not intrinsically.#but why did i always end up losing interest in the relationship once i had it#was it really just because i wasn't dating people i actively chose#honestly maybe. there *was* B. i don't know how much longer that might've continued if logistics hadn't put an end to it#and M....... M is a tricky one. because even though i left that relationship by my own choice. i kind of had to in order to not want to die#the thruple vibes with K were just so utterly rancid and M was just so incapable of doing anything to make it better#so yeah. maybe that one could've continued indefinitely IF two to three of the people involved had been#a leeeeetle more mature and well adjusted. maybe. but desire for a relationship was not the issue.#so okay. maybe im NOT aro. maybe i just have shitty taste in men. you know? that's a distinct possibility.#okay. so now on the other hand. let's look at how happy and enlightened I've felt since starting to *use* the aro label#cuz it actually is fantastic. the freedom to just feel love and affection for anyone I'm close to and not have to worry about#it being taken in a way i don't intend. that's great i love that#and not feeling any pressure to find The One? rocks. good shit. i can just let whatever relationships be what they're gonna be#and not have to fret over assigning a label and structures and expectations. hot shit.#(honestly it's helping me understand where M was coming from in a way that would've been. you know. pretty useful six years ago.)#i don't wanna lock myself in a relationship with friend E but it's great hanging out with her on a regular basis#cuz that's the amount of affection i feel for her. enough to chill and watch Owl House. not enough to be in each others' space all the time#(god idk if I'll ever want to be around anyone all the time ever again. that is a LOT for my limited batteries)#idk how physical affection fits into this yet. that area is still under development#but like. if my friends were cool with it and i knew they wouldn't take it too seriously then YES i would probably kiss almost any of them#and i THINK that's true and not me telling myself something i think I'm supposed to believe? i THINK.#'s always the possibility that i just very badly want to be kissed and my brain is looking to make that happen in a way that isn't scary#ah shit thatās 30 tags. iāve done it again.
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,
#tag talk#said out loud āI've felt drunk for the past weekā and suddenly realized no you idiot that's dissociation#anyway. I've been floating on clouds for a while and I'm absolutely not complaining it feels nice#restarting my meds is maybe what's doing it.#going off and then back on my meds has just been a wild ride all around#oh well. I gotta stay quirky and weird somehow right?#I've been thinking a lot about my breakup and how it wasn't even because of anything except that I got bored of him#and even playing aoe with him is getting boring cause his skill level is way behind me#the only person who moves the same speed as me is my brother. so I'm gonna go with him wherever he goes#I do like him a lot. but also there's the knowledge that if I don't stick with him I'll be way more lonely#moving out with someone else would guarantee that I'm leaving the only person in life who actually gets me#and I would be depriving him of the only other person who even kind of gets him (I won't say I get him fully cause that's a lil arrogant)#idk. I don't dislike it. but I'm trapped nonetheless. my course in life is laid out for me because I have no one else.#I love him but I wish I had more than one person who I could stand being around longer than a few months#idk. I do feel more conscious right now. more aware. I'm glad I have him.#I just wish I wasn't so fundamentally incompatible with every other person except him.#we're damaged in very similar ways and so we match. even the rest of my siblings don't click with me the same way#I guess I'm lucky to have him. if I didn't I would be 100% dead right now#which... certainly would be the easier simpler option#but oh well. I'm cursed to live on this earth until he eventually offs himself#we have a pact that we're gonna talk about the suicide beforehand to turn it into a murder mystery or something#he said he wants my skull if I go first. which honestly would be cool as hell. I'd be happy with my skull sitting on his bookshelf#he wants to travel and he's lined up to have a good job to let him do that. so I think I'll end up coming along#idk. we're together for life because both of us are so incapable of making other meaningful friendships#even his closest friends bother him constantly and he struggles to connect with them#so we vibe in that regard.#sorry if this is depressing as hell. it's just.. idk. we both are likely and certain that we won't die of natural causes#but life keeps getting better. I've got plans to go back to nursing next year and I'm medicated so I should be able to make it through#I've had my current job for over a year which is a personal record for me so I'm kinda stoked about that#I'm getting bored of it but so it won't last forever but nursing should get me something new to work on
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