#anyway here's our own thread

[honeysmokedham]

@mortemoppetere

Is Rhett your alter-ego? You keep talking about him, but I'm over at yours a lot and I've never seen a Rhett.

[decaflondonfog]

heart study #1 (chamber by chamber), 2023

pearl cotton and six strand floss on cotton

[a little snowbaz project because that one line just lives in my head rent free since i first read it. all my love and gratitude to bee who did not even hesitate when i asked ‘hey if baz and simon were colours what would they be,’ and to starry and leo who talked me through the many stages of the tying and braiding and binding phase of this piece]

detail shots under the cut because i just love how dynamic this piece can be 👇

[mercless]

🗡 dozing off writing replies but im curious how others go about writing out stuff/the order you write particular parts, and if you have a different way of writing depending on if it's a reply, ask, or a drabble 🤔 in most cases I find I write out any spoken words first, then the tones or actions done while talking, and then depending on the writing purpose add trains of thought, other actions or specific actions that convey emotions. stuff I looove getting lost in writing include describing scenes, settings, environments, food or the time of day! for drabbles I usually start with these descriptive elements to get into the mood of it.

[drchucktingle]

sometimes buds ask’ what is it like to be a neurodivergent artist?’ and this is great summary: the charts can look like this, and at same time people will be endlessly posting on how you are ‘not real’ or ‘a bit’. you can hold bestsellers in slot 1 to 4 and still not be 'serious'

i am ultimately ok with this. i love my trot and would not have it any other way, but i think it is worth investigation. when irony poisoning has seeped into everything, how many times does a neurodivergent person have to say ‘actually this is NOT so bad its good. its just good’

when you are autistic, or queer, or both, how much proof do you need to be considered good art? or good business? what do the charts have to look like for me to be a ‘real’ author? or allowed my face mask at a library association conference? or one person not a group of writers?

im coming up on a decade of writing tinglers soon, and people are still talkin about my ‘serious’ works vs my ‘joke books’ and at every turn, as kindly as i can, i shout from the rooftops: THEY ARE ALL SERIOUS BOOKS. THIS IS NOT A BIT.

but its hard when buds have had ‘the correct way to be a writer. the correct way to be an artist. the COOL way to react to a book that is TOO weird’ pounded into their heads by internet culture. 'kill it with fire' they say. 'i need eye bleach' they say without thinking. a line.

heres the thing, the tide IS turning. theres buckaroos jumping in and saying, ‘I want to be a part of this’ and for that they are being rewarded. the publisher who took me seriously is lookin pretty dang good right now with these charts and these sales. i am honored and moved

over time there will be more buds who shed that irony mask. the tide of sincerity is powerful, and the tide of love is inevitable. it is difficult to stand strong in our uniqueness but it also pays off, and I hope to be a shining example. eventually THE TIMELINE BENDS TO YOU

so this is not a thread to complain. i have been trotting long enough that these things do not really bother me. being made fun of and disparaged as ‘not legit art’ while also being objectively successful at the things im made fun of about is kind of the ocean that i swim in.

no. my point of this is to say THANK YOU to those of you who have been trotting by my side over these years. THANK YOU for proving love to me. im so honored by your support, and you should know that YOU have seen beyond the irony poisoned veil that stops many others. YOU get it.

and to those with their own unique perspective on creation: look what you can do. yes there will likely be a lot of resistance to something different, but there is also a LOT of reward. YOU can trot a new path. YOU can prove love is real, not in MY way, but IN YOUR OWN WAY

anyway thank you for reading buckaroos. thank you for your support. LUCKY DAY comes out next summer and it is probably as FAR OUT and existential as the tingleverse has ever gone. you can preorder it here

[prokopetz]

I'm spinning this off of the main thread about tracing the origin of the term "d66" because it's not strictly germane to the topic – none of these examples actually use the term "d66" to describe their dice-rolling methods – but I'm going to post it anyway as a matter of general interest: following a conversation with Tumblr user @notclevr, it appears that before tabletop wargames (and, nearly concurrently, tabletop RPGs) got their hands on the mechanic, the principal (though by no means exclusive) users of the old "roll a six-sided die twice, reading one die as the 'tens' place and the other die as the 'ones' place" trick may have been tabletop American baseball simulators.

The most notable example of the type – and the only well-known example still in publication today – is J Richard Seitz' APBA Baseball, first published in either 1950 or 1951 (accounts vary). In this game, a d66 roll is cross-referenced with a card representing the active player and a "board" representing the current situation on the field:

For example, with Carlton Fisk at bat, a d66 roll of 31 would yield a result of "8". Assuming for the sake of argument that the situation on the field is a runner on first and a grade C pitcher, consulting the "Runner on First Base" board, this corresponds to an outcome of "SINGLE—line drive to left; runner to third".

(This example is, strictly speaking, incorrect, as Carlton Fisk didn't have his major league debut until 1969 and I'm using the wrong lookup tables for any year in which he played, but you get the idea!)

Interestingly, APBA Baseball is not the first game to use this setup. It's heavily derived from Clifford Van Beek's National Pastime, a game whose patent was registered in 1925, though it wasn't actually published until 1930. Even at a glance, the similarities are substantial:

Indeed, though National Pastime's lookup tables are much simpler than APBA Baseball's, where they overlap they're often word for word identical. It's generally accepted that Seitz plagiarised National Pastime without credit when creating APBA Baseball (ironically, given his own famously combative stance toward alleged imitators!), though he was within his rights to do so, as National Pastime had fallen into the public domain by the time APBA Baseball was published.

We can go back even further, though. As far as I've been able to determine, the earliest known tabletop baseball simulator to use d66 lookup tables for resolving plays is Edward K McGill's Our National Ball Game, first published in 1886:

A copy of the game's 1887 US patent application can be downloaded here. This one uses an unusual 21-entry variant of the standard d66 lookup table in which the order of the rolled digits is insignificant, with doubles being half as likely as non-doubles rolls; it's unclear whether McGill was aware of this when he laid out the table. Unlike later incarnations of the genre, there are no individual player statistics, with all at-bats being resolved via the same table.

[specialagentartemis]

I get variations on this comment on my post about history misinformation all the time: "why does it matter?" Why does it matter that people believe falsehoods about history? Why does it matter if people spread history misinformation? Why does it matter if people on tumblr believe that those bronze dodecahedra were used for knitting, or that Persephone had a daughter named Mespyrian? It's not the kind of misinformation that actually hurts people, like anti-vaxx propaganda or climate change denial. It doesn't hurt anyone to believe something false about the past.

Which, one, thanks for letting me know on my post that you think my job doesn't matter and what I do is pointless, if it doesn't really matter if we know the truth or make up lies about history because lies don't hurt anyone. But two, there are lots of reasons that it matters.

It encourages us to distrust historians when they talk about other aspects of history. You might think it's harmless to believe that Pharaoh Hatshepsut was trans. It's less harmless when you're espousing that the Holocaust wasn't really about Jews because the Nazis "came for trans people first." You might think it's harmless to believe that the French royalty of Versailles pooped and urinated on the floor of the palace all the time, because they were asshole rich people anyway, who cares, we hate the rich here; it's rather less harmless when you decide that the USSR was the communist ideal and Good, Actually, and that reports of its genocidal oppression are actually lies.

It encourages anti-intellectualism in other areas of scholarship. Deciding based on your own gut that the experts don't know what they're talking about and are either too stupid to realize the truth, or maliciously hiding the truth, is how you get to anti-vaxxers and climate change denial. It is also how you come to discount housing-first solutions for homelessness or the idea that long-term sustained weight loss is both biologically unlikely and health-wise unnecessary for the majority of fat people - because they conflict with what you feel should be true. Believing what you want to be true about history, because you want to believe it, and discounting fact-based corrections because you don't want them to be true, can then bleed over into how you approach other sociological and scientific topics.

How we think about history informs how we think about the present. A lot of people want certain things to be true - this famous person from history was gay or trans, this sexist story was actually feminist in its origin - because we want proof that gay people, trans people, and women deserve to be respected, and this gives evidence to prove we once were and deserve to be. But let me tell you a different story: on Thanksgiving of 2016, I was at a family friend's house and listening to their drunk conservative relative rant, and he told me, confidently, that the Roman Empire fell because they instituted universal healthcare, which was proof that Obama was destroying America. Of course that's nonsense. But projecting what we think is true about the world back onto history, and then using that as recursive proof that that is how the world is... is shoddy scholarship, and gets used for topics you don't agree with just as much as the ones you do. We should not be encouraging this, because our politics should be informed by the truth and material reality, not how we wish the past proved us right.

It frequently reinforces "Good vs. Bad" dichotomies that are at best unhelpful and at worst victim-blaming. A very common thread of historical misinformation on tumblr is about the innocence or benevolence of oppressed groups, slandered by oppressors who were far worse. This very frequently has truth to it - but makes the lies hard to separate out. It often simplifies the narrative, and implies that the reason that colonialism and oppression were bad was because the victims were Good and didn't deserve it... not because colonialism and oppression are bad. You see this sometimes with radical feminist mother goddess Neolithic feminist utopia stuff, but you also see it a lot regarding Native American and African history. I have seen people earnestly argue that Aztecs did not practice human sacrifice, that that was a lie made up by the Spanish to slander them. That is not true. Human sacrifice was part of Aztec, Maya, and many Central American war/religious practices. They are significantly more complex than often presented, and came from a captive-based system of warfare that significantly reduced the number of people who got killed in war compared to European styles of war that primarily killed people on the battlefield rather than taking them captive for sacrifice... but the human sacrifice was real and did happen. This can often come off with the implications of a 'noble savage' or an 'innocent victim' that implies that the bad things the Spanish conquistadors did were bad because the victims were innocent or good. This is a very easy trap to fall into; if the victims were good, they didn't deserve it. Right? This logic is dangerous when you are presented with a person or group who did something bad... you're caught in a bind. Did they deserve their injustice or oppression because they did something bad? This kind of logic drives a lot of transphobia, homophobia, racism, and defenses of Kyle Rittenhouse today. The answer to a colonialist logic of "The Aztecs deserved to be conquered because they did human sacrifice and that's bad" is not "The Aztecs didn't do human sacrifice actually, that's just Spanish propaganda" (which is a lie) it should be "We Americans do human sacrifice all the god damn time with our forever wars in the Middle East, we just don't call it that. We use bullets and bombs rather than obsidian knives but we kill way, way more people in the name of our country. What does that make us? Maybe genocide is not okay regardless of if you think the people are weird and scary." It becomes hard to square your ethics of the Innocent Victim and Lying Perpetrator when you see real, complicated, individual-level and group-level interactions, where no group is made up of members who are all completely pure and good, and they don't deserve to be oppressed anyway.

It makes you an unwitting tool of the oppressor. The favorite, favorite allegation transphobes level at trans people, and conservatives at queer people, is that we're lying to push the Gay Agenda. We're liars or deluded fools. If you say something about queer or trans history that's easy to debunk as false, you have permanently hurt your credibility - and the cause of queer history. It makes you easy to write off as a liar or a deluded fool who needs misinformation to make your case. If you say Louisa May Alcott was trans, that's easy to counter with "there is literally no evidence of that, and lots of evidence that she was fine being a woman," and instantly tanks your credibility going forward, so when you then say James Barry was trans and push back against a novel or biopic that treats James Barry as a woman, you get "you don't know what you're talking about, didn't you say Louisa May Alcott was trans too?" TERFs love to call trans people liars - do not hand them ammunition, not even a single bullet. Make sure you can back up what you say with facts and evidence. This is true of homophobes, of racists, of sexists. Be confident of your facts, and have facts to give to the hopeful and questioning learners who you are relating this story to, or the bigots who you are telling off, because misinformation can only hurt you and your cause.

It makes the queer, female, POC, or other marginalized listeners hurt, sad, and betrayed when something they thought was a reflection of their own experiences turns out not to be real. This is a good response to a performance art piece purporting to tell a real story of gay WWI soldiers, until the author revealed it as fiction. Why would you want to set yourself up for disappointment like that? Why would you want to risk inflicting that disappointment and betrayal on anyone else?

It makes it harder to learn the actual truth.

Historical misinformation has consequences, and those consequences are best avoided - by checking your facts, citing your sources, and taking the time and effort to make sure you are actually telling the truth.

[droolypupboy]

thread of things you can do to feel more puppy!!

warning, this is not for puppy regressors!! this is an nsfw post and probably not safe for u if you regress while online. stay safe, sfw puppies.

anyway. back to content for puppies who r fucking degenerates. i’m a switch & not only do i own a puppy sub but i am also one!! this is applicable for both partnered and solo pups, dw, there’s likely to be something here for everyone.

૮( ˃ ꒳ ˂)ა

◟/づ🦴

🐾 grind on pillows and/or furniture!! pillows are an accessible option for everyone, not everyone has furniture they can feel comfortable doing that on because maybe they don’t live alone or what have you. but pillows are an amazing option for any and all needy puppies.

🐾 snacks can help u feel puppy a lotttt!! while it can be fun to have your partner feed you little treats, you can also absolutely do this on your own. while you’re not in the headspace, set up small little snacks for you to have for when you follow rules or actions you set up for yourself. ppl often underestimate how satisfying solo play can be!! but it can be awesome. good ideas for pup snacks can be small cookies reminiscent of dog treats (scooby snack graham cracker cookies if you’re in the u.s., highly recommend), little cubes of meat and cheese, or dry cereal. it doesn’t have to be those things though, it can be anything broken up into small pieces. be creative!!

🐾 some people enjoy eating or drinking out of dog bowls but for some, that’s inaccessible or maybe just not to their taste. another option can be water bottles with spouts you have to suck on (oral fixation is so so so puppy!!). smaller sized snack bowls also work well for this. anything notably small can help a lot with headspace i find because a large part of puppyspace for many is feeling tiny and :3. if you know you know pfffft.

🐾 here’s a simple one!! have an article of clothing or jewelry you wear only during puppy time :) of course there’s the obvious ones; harnesses, ears, collars. but even just a bracelet or a sweater can work if you only wear it during pupspace and get your brain to associate it.

🐾 if you go into the headspace online (as i’m sure many of you reading do if ur here), you can do certain typing things to help you feel even more puppy. using certain emojis or doing a little :3 or :> it’s pretty common to have your voice change tone and your words get more simple when in a smaller mindset so it can be fun to have your typing also reflect this!! typing out “woof” or “arf” r silly but they r cute and i recommend it, 10/10.

🐾 find something you can safely bite on!! nothing you could choke on or that could hurt you. chewelry is rlly good for this, i’d recommend looking on etsy for some. but you can also just buy a new actual dog toy (fresh, not used, clean it before). puppies need to teethe!! the urge to bite is super common.

🐾 if you have enough privacy, play fetch with yourself. why not?? you can bounce a ball off the walls and even if you’re in a small room where you don’t have far to get to it, you’re still pretty likely to get excitable abt it!! if you’re doing this outside don’t put the toy in your mouth, if you’re indoors you can probably feel more comfortable to do this safely if you’re using something big enough not to choke yourself with.

🐾 ride toys!! it’s hard to do things yourself, riding or suction cupping a toy to a wall so you can just lay down and move ur needy hips against it can be wonderful for puppyspace.

🐾 suck your fingers or your partners fingers!! puppies need our mouths occupied. gently chewing on fingers, probably not enough to hurt (maybe tho, good for you), just enough to feel like you’re gnawing a bit, is SO so so good. this doesn’t even have to be sexual, drifting off to sleep with fingers or a gag (nothing that you could accidentally swallow) in your mouth can help you wake up puppy!! i wouldn’t recommend sleeping with a gag in long term, that’s more for naps or on special occasions. like i mentioned before; oral fixation oral fixation oral fixation!! you should also suck toys and cock 🤍🤍

🐾 wag your hips or kick your feet!! it’s like wagging ur tail :> wiggles can come naturally when in pupspace so embrace them as ur “phantom tail” pfffft

🐾 “puppyparts” “puppycunt” “puppyholes” “puppycock” “puppyanything”🏃🏃

remember, if some of these aren’t applicable to you and how you like to play, you are not any less puppy. these are general, not one size fits all. there are countless different ways to be puppy and i don’t think any two people should be doing it the EXACT same way. we all have our quirks, we all have our individual headspaces.

have fun and play safe, puppies 🐾🦴🎾

[miifu666]

I finally drew LMK wukong... while also making him yandere because uh.. i like yanderes, we need more yan!Wukong content pls 🙏🥹 anyway Heres my rendition of what yandere lmk sun wukong would be like.. maybe ooc, ive only watched season 1...

Also not proofread— At ALL

⋆˙⟡ — Cw : Yandere, Dub-con, ooc lmk Wukong?, art is wukong x oc but writing is Wukong x reader, not proofread.

I imagine Yan!Wukong to be the type who taunts you about his past actions, how feral and rebellious he was, able to defeat the entire heavenly army and scared the Jade emperor out of his wits just for existing in flower fruit mountain. This only happens when you disobey him ofc, you left the cabin? Denied his wants to feed you himself? Maybe its time to remind you who he is

" See how i was back then? I was a Savage, untamed even if i had that stupid crown around my head. You wouldn't want me to be like that now do you, Peaches? "

He's a sweetheart, Patience and Virtue is a thing he learned the most during his years of living. Yet, unpredictability is also his nature. Especially as a monkey king. There are times when he would tolerate you acting bratty, a bit Defiant is all fun, but when the day comes where he's fought too many Yaoguais, Demons, and Alike. All he wants is your comforting touch soothing him of his worries. The last thing he needs is your uncooperative attitude.

" Peaches... im not in the mood for this. Eat the food. Now. Ive been kind to you. It's either you eat the food or ill get rough."

Wukong is canonically someone who hasnt experienced any romantic nor sexual attraction, the moment he does. He doesn't have a clue on what to do. All he can think of is being in his monkey nature, which includes being possessive, territorial, dominating, and providing you with nutrients. He doesn't trust others enough to help him with his feelings, barely have the guts to ask Bajie if you're in a bad mood. He prefers to wait for others to give him advice (not that he'll take to account).

"MK doesn't know anything, he's a kid! He doesn't understand love like i do... like us adults do. Im doing this to PROTECT you, peaches!"

There might be times where he'll be more touchy than usual, conditioning you to feel comfort and used to his physical affection. Wukong is nothing but patient, he knows how to pavlov you into feeling relaxed once you feel his hands. You'll notice his punishments ranged from letting him groom you, mark you and finally letting him eat you out.

The euphoric bliss whenever he touches you or caught a whiff of your scent is tantalizing, Due to this, he prefers to be the one to serve you rather than you serving him. A king needs his Queen to bleed his heart into, not a concubine who perfoms.

" ah, ah ah~ Remember what i said? You either let me groom your pretty head or i might change things up a little..."

Wukong who gloats about the ring around your finger, making sure everyone. Even the heavens. Know, who you belong to. Theres no such thing as divine intervention, HE willed this fate, HE knit the red threads of fate till it spells your name. Theres an endless amount of love flowing through his heart for you, it seeps through timelines and past reincarnations. Even if your current life is done in this world, he'll continue on finding you. Binding you with him, gripping your heart so close till it beats in harmony with his. He'll make sure to leave an imprint of himself in your soul, even your future consorts needs to know him in order to understand you.

While you came from another world, your own destiny is temporary in his. Wukong will fight tooth and nails to defy the stars just to have you as his permanently. He'll create his own thread. His own happy ending with you.

And if theres anyone who dares to leak the rough details about your hostage love life... hes not known as the god of trickster for nothing

" if the moon and stars are reflection of the past, would they know how many lifetimes have i been loving you before our souls reconciled in this one?

Because i couldn't possibly have just learned to love you this much, all in this single lifetime"

Artwork ©️ Miifu666

Writings ©️ Miifu666

[munson-blurbs]

I don’t know if you do Steve or(I have mostly seen your Eddie work which I love by the way)Eddie

but I’m let you choose but ex reader and (Steve or Eddie) angst to fluffy smut at the end and maybe they saw each other at the bar or something and those feelings turn into sweet ole fluffy smut 🫡 ( PFT I don’t know if that make sense) 😭💀

Eddie exes-to-lovers? I'm in.

Warnings: smut (18+ only, minors DNI), unprotected p in v, fingering, angst, hurt/comfort, jealousy, the fluffiest smut I've ever written

WC: 3.2k

Divider credit to @saradika-graphics

You hated Eddie Munson. 

You hated the way he sloppily cut the sleeves of his Hellfire shirt in an obvious attempt to show off his tattoos. 

You hated the way he couldn’t keep a secret, always forgetting that they were supposed to be secrets in the first place. That’s how he’d spoiled your surprise birthday party. 

You hated the way he constantly sabotaged his own success. One would think he’d take you up on your offer to do homework together after his first failed senior year; instead, he’d practiced guitar riffs while you pored over your algebra textbook. Needless to say, he didn’t pass that year, either. 

You hated Eddie Munson and everything about him. 

And right now, you particularly hated the way he sat across the bar, talking to another girl and occasionally taking a sip of his drink. 

That used to be you, your fingers laced with his while he told you stories you’d heard one hundred times before. He’d bring your hand to his lips and kiss it, his lips curving into a smile before they even touched your skin. 

“I can’t believe you’re mine. Never gonna let you go, y’know that? You’re stuck with me forever.”

That ‘forever’ ended four years ago, when you went off to college and he needed to stay behind to finish high school. Cracks began showing as early as application season, the fracture complete once you decided to go to Northwestern without even considering Hawkins Community. 

“I don’t understand why you’d wanna go to that big, fancy school anyway. It’ll just be a bunch of rich preps and douchey frat guys guzzling beers through their assholes.”

You refrained from reminding him that he and Jeff had almost tried that same feat, and probably would have if you didn’t intervene. 

“Babe, it’s an amazing school. And I’ll be home on holidays and you can visit whenever you want.”

Even as you’d said it, you knew it wasn’t enough for him. It was a pulled thread in your tight-knit relationship, one that unraveled it throughout the summer. And just one week into your first semester, Eddie had uttered those dreaded words into the phone. 

“I don’t think this long-distance thing is gonna work out.”

That was that. The end of you and Eddie. 

Now, in that dimly lit bar, you tore your gaze from him and his date. Your drink shook in your trembling hand as you lifted it to your lips. 

Robin clocked your uneasiness, her eyes flicking over to where you’d been looking. “Jesus Christ,” she muttered, shaking her head. She glanced at you with nothing but sympathy. “You wanna get outta here?”

You gave your friend a grateful smile, but ultimately declined. “We just got our drinks.” You gestured to her barely-sipped rum and Coke. “We can go once we’re done.”

The two of you forged ahead with a conversation, but you couldn’t help stealing glances at Eddie and his date. Maybe it was the vodka making you more emotional, but tears pricked at your lash line when you saw him lean in and kiss her. 

“A-Actually, maybe we should leave.” You were only halfway done with your drink, but the thought of staying and continuing to watch him had you ready to hurl it all up. 

Robin nodded, grabbing her purse and closing out the tab. When she turned back to you, she froze. 

“What?”

“He’s looking at you.”

And dammit if your heart didn’t flip-flop. You did your best to ignore it, ignore the spark of hope it gave you. 

“He’s…” Your words caught in your throat. “C’mon, let’s just go.”

You couldn’t sleep that night. The image of Eddie holding someone else’s hand flashed through your mind every time you closed your eyes. And the way he’d leaned in to kiss her, like he’d done it one thousand times before—it gnawed at you from the inside out. 

Tears slid down your cheeks and seeped into your pillowcase. You would have gone to the ends of the Earth to make that relationship work, while Eddie threw in the towel after just one week. You’d called him up in the dorm’s common room, expecting to talk to him about your day. 

Instead, you’d gotten dumped via phone call. 

You gave up on falling asleep around 4:30 AM. Padding into the kitchen, you brewed yourself a cup of coffee and poured it into your favorite mug. Steam tickled your nose as you took a sip, savoring the cocoa notes and the bitterness you craved that morning. Last night’s events came rushing back as soon as the caffeine hit your bloodstream. Eddie. The girl. The way he looked at her…did he ever look at you that way? It was bizarre seeing it from a different perspective.

The morning air was already humid, summer’s heat seemingly always unrelenting. You stretched out your legs on the steps of your front stoop, letting your muscles unclench as you breathed in a new day. 

It was just you, a smattering of chirping birds, and…a car rumbling down the street?

Hawkins was not a busy enough town for people to be driving down your sleepy street at this hour, and it wasn’t garbage day.

From around the corner came a familiar van. Your heart lurched in your chest when it came to a stop in front of your house. No. There was no way. Someone else in town must have the same exact van as him…with the same exact dent in the driver’s side door from when he’d opened it into a tree…

You scrambled to your feet, coffee sloshing over the side of the mug and onto the cement below you. 

“Hey, wait!” Eddie called out from his open window. He was dressed in a flannel and jeans, no doubt borrowed from his uncle. Killing the ignition, he hustled over to you before you could get through the door. “I need to talk to you.”

“I don’t have anything to say.”

Eddie shook his head and blew out a breath. “Look, I just…I wanted to tell you this at the bar, but you ran off–”

“So you came to my house?” You rolled your eyes. “Not creepy at all.”

He ran a hand through his curls. It was then that you noticed the missing rings, the skin slightly paler where they normally wrapped around his fingers. He tracked your gaze and looked at you with a bashful smile.

“Can’t wear them at the plant. I gotta tie my hair back, too.” He slid a ponytail holder off of his wrist and pulled back his frizzy mane, scrunching up his nose. “Always gives me a headache, though.”

You felt your guard slipping with each word he spoke. “It’s probably just too tight.” Without thinking, you gently tugged the rubber band farther from his scalp. “Better?”

“Yeah.” His voice was soft. Tender. Everything you remembered it to be back when things were good. “Please…can we talk?”

Despite your lingering heartbreak–or perhaps because of it–you nodded.

Eddie’s shoulders sagged in premature relief; the difficult part still laid ahead of him. “I didn’t sleep last night. I couldn’t sleep last night. Not after seeing you.” When his hand brushed against yours, you instinctively pulled away.

“No.” You held your ground as best as you could. “No, Eddie. You don’t get to touch me anymore. Especially not when you were the one with another woman.”

“Technically, so were you.” The joke fell flat, and he cleared his throat. “All right, fine. It was a second date with someone I met last week at the Hideout. Not someone I’m committed to.”

“Right. Because if you were committed to her, you’d just break up with her on the phone.”

Eddie reeled back, your retort a sucker-punch right to his gut. He took a few seconds to collect his thoughts before speaking again. “You don’t understand how hard it was for me,” he finally said, “to know you were far away, surrounded by a bunch of smart guys, while I was in my sixth year of high school.”

“I didn’t care about that—”

“But I did!” Eddie crossed his arms over his chest. “God, I could just picture the conversations you’d have with your new friends: ‘Eddie? He doesn’t go here; he’s still in high school. No, he’s not younger than me. He’s actually a year older. He’s just an idiot.’”

A huff escaped your lips. “I’d never say that!” Did he actually think you’d even consider it?

“But you could’ve!” He scraped a tooth against his lower lip. “It would’ve been the truth!”

“Except you’re not an idiot,” you protested. “And throwing yourself a pity party isn’t going to make me feel bad for you.”

You downed what remained of your coffee, now only lukewarm. 

“No, I know. I know.” Eddie pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and shut his eyes. “This is coming out all wrong. Please, can we just go inside?”

No. The answer sat right on your tongue. And yet you found yourself opening the door and letting him in. 

Eddie sat down on the couch, making sure to leave enough space for you. He sighed when you remained standing, but began speaking again nevertheless.

“I’ve thought about you every goddamn day. And I know that’s not enough,” he rushed to add before you could say it yourself, “but I need you to know that I have. I wanted to call you a million times, but I always talked myself out of it. Figured it would just make you angrier.”

“You could’ve at least apologized.” You didn’t bother hiding the hurt in your voice; that façade had long since passed.

He nodded, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.” When he looked at you, his eyes were glassy with unshed tears. “I’m sorry I let my insecurities ruin everything. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry that I never got to see your dorm room, or meet your new friends, or watch you walk that stage at graduation. I…”

Eddie was fully sobbing on your sofa, wiping his cheeks with calloused palms. “And I’m sorry that I still love you. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to let you go.”

He’d laid it all on the table for you, not hiding a single card in his hand. His gaze was raw with vulnerability; it seared into the hardened ice encasing your heart. 

“When I saw you at the bar last night…when I saw you looking at me…” Eddie let out a huff of air. “Maybe I was just getting my hopes up, but it felt like a part of you might still love me, too.”

And as that realization unraveled, as it unfurled like a flower finally blooming after winter’s frost, you found yourself nodding in agreement. 

All at once, Eddie stood in front of you. “Please say it,” he whispered, delicately cupping your face in his hands. “I need to hear you say it. Only if you mean it.”

“I still love you.” Your nose grazed his. “I don’t want to, but I do.”

“You don’t want to because I broke your heart?” When you answered in the affirmative, he leaned in and pressed a soft kiss to your forehead. “What if I promise that I’ll never break your heart again? What if I promise that it’s always been you?”

Your voice was soft, barely audible, when you told him, “Prove it.”

Eddie’s lips found yours, a magnetic pull that hadn’t weakened in the nearly four years you’d spent apart. “Course I’ll prove it,” he mumbled against your mouth. “Spend the rest of my goddamn life proving it.”

His hands slid up underneath your shirt, a ratty old tee reserved strictly for bedtime. There was no time to worry about it being the least sexy article of clothing you had; before you knew it, Eddie tugged it over your head and tossed it aside. He whimpered as he grabbed your breast, circling the nipple with his thumb. 

You’d only gotten two of his flannel buttons undone when you stopped. “Eddie, wait—don’t you have to go to work?”

Eddie laughed, his breath tickling your neck over the spot he’d been kissing. “I’ll just have to be late. Got something…more important to attend to.”

You couldn’t help but giggle at that, the two of you peeling off each other’s clothes until they lay in a heap on the floor. And then there was just you and Eddie, touching everywhere you could. 

“Baby.” The word was slurred, given the fact that his tongue was currently occupied with your nipples, your skin shining where his saliva remained. “Baby…fuck, I missed you.”

He was painfully hard, the tip of his cock flush against his tummy and leaking pre-cum. You wrapped your hand around the shaft, pumping him in a painfully slow rhythm. 

“Oh—ah!” Eddie hissed, steadying himself at your sudden touch. “F-Fuck, I—y-you can’t…too sensitive.”

You looked at him incredulously. “Already?”

Eddie nodded sheepishly. “You know how much I thought about this? Every time I…y’know…I imagined it was you.”

Just the mental picture of Eddie laying back in his bed, tugging on his cock while moaning your name, had you dragging him to the couch. No time to go all the way to the bedroom. 

The moment Eddie climbed on top of you as you lay on the cushions, his fingers drifted down to where you needed him most. His middle finger, then his ring finger, slid inside you with practiced precision. Picking up right where you’d left off. 

You clenched around him, your body greedy for more as his fingers moved in and out, in and out. 

“Eddie…” Just that one word was an effort; every brain cell focused only on the pleasure building between your thighs. “Eddie…Eddie…please…”

He nodded, his tongue darting out and swiping over his lower lip. “I remembered how much you love my fingers.”

It was true; his fingers were nothing less than magic. He swore it was because he played guitar, and maybe that was part of it, but the real reason was because he had you memorized. Knew exactly where to curl his fingers, exactly how to stroke your sweet spot until your legs were shaking. 

“You’re…you’re drenched.” He wasn’t cocky; he was awestruck. Absolutely shocked that you were so needy for him, that you’d missed his touch as much as he’d missed yours. “Gonna take care of you, baby, okay?”

You inhaled a staggered breath and melted into the couch. Eddie held total and complete control over you, and it surprisingly didn’t scare you in the least. 

The last thread of restraint snapped, your orgasm hitting you in waves. You cried out Eddie’s name. It was him bringing you to a new level of ecstasy. It was him giving you everything you could ever want. 

His movements slowed to let you float down from the high. His fingers were slick with your arousal, and he popped them in his mouth with a content sigh. 

“Tastes so sweet.”

God, you needed him. Needed him to fill you entirely. Needed him to clear your mind of any thought besides how good he made you feel. Needed him to hold you down and take whatever he desired. 

Your gaze dropped down to his erection. Eddie followed your eyes, then looked back at you. 

“D-Do you…?” He trailed off before composing himself. “I mean, is it okay if I—”

“Yes.” There was no other possible answer. There was nothing else you could possibly want besides that connection, that intimacy, with the man you could never stop loving. “Please.”

Eddie obliged without hesitation. He angled himself with your entrance, pushing into you so slowly that it teetered on agonizing. You knew it would feel good; it always had, even that first awkward time together. But this was something else entirely.

It was as though a missing puzzle piece clicked into place, unlocking everything you had stowed away over the last four years without him. Tears lazily flowed down your cheeks, but before you had time to be embarrassed, Eddie kissed them away.

“S��okay,” he murmured, continuing to thrust into you with utmost care. “You’re okay, baby.”

You managed a smile as you navigated the influx of emotions. You were okay. You were with Eddie again, safe in his arms, his touch both electrifying and soothing.

All that was left to do was sink into it. 

You accepted his love, wrapping yourself in it and savoring every morsel. One of your hands found his cheek, your thumb grazing over the hint of stubble he missed when shaving. His kisses were oxygen itself, breathing life into every cell in your body. Everything was Eddie. Everything was okay again.

And then you started to giggle. It was discreet at first, but then it bubbled over until your smile was too wide to ignore. Eddie couldn’t even kiss you without his lips touching your teeth. 

“Babe?” He cocked his head, examining you as laughter floated out of you. 

“Sorry.” Another peal of laughter. “I’m…I’m just so happy.”

Eddie grinned, ducking to kiss your neck. “Me, too. Me fucking too, baby.”

There was the ebb and flow, the give and take, the push and pull. You and Eddie, working in tandem to bring the other to their climax. 

Your orgasm blossomed deep within you. You dug your fingernails into Eddie’s back and wrapped your legs around his to draw him closer. 

“Ed-Eddie, I’m…” Your hips raised to meet his, filling in where your words failed. 

Eddie nodded and gently kissed your lips. “I know, sweet girl. Just let go for me.”

And so you did. With a cry of his name, you came. You let yourself unravel right there on the couch, and before long, he was joining you. 

“Baby, baby, baby.” He let out a groan as he spilled into you, giving you every last drop. His chest rose and fell as he withdrew and caught his breath, though he kept his hands on you the whole time. Like you might disappear if he let go. 

You reached up to smooth back a lock of his hair. You needed to look into his eyes, no obstructions, when you asked him the question weighing heavily on your heart. 

“Where do we go from here?”

Eddie flinched, clearly not expecting such a candid remark right after sex. He shook off his shock and replaced it with a smirk. 

“I say we shower off first.” His nose brushed yours and he kissed you once again. “And then I’d like to take you to breakfast once the diner opens. I think we have a lot to catch up on.”

You gazed up at him, taking in the chest muscles that had filled out with the addition of manual labor.

 A shower and a breakfast date. It was a plan—maybe not like the ones you made, where every moment was perfectly laid out. And it was more than Eddie’s usual fly-by-the-seat-of-his-pants demeanor. It was somewhere in the middle. A new equilibrium. 

“That sounds perfect.”

--

[rose-tinted-kalopsia]

Thinking about messing with the boys. About how when we say we want to give them a blowjob, and they're excitedly anticipating it, cocks eager and hard and just twitching for us, we do stupid shit like literally blow air on their cockhead or into their bellybutton. But we make up for it well after they give us the silliest pouts/sulky faces at our antics 👀 (nonnie here is 31yo I promise 😭)

── no omg anonie... i GET YOU ??? SO FUCKING MUCH ??? this triggered a brainrot in me because messing around with them would be SO FUN... what with all the teasing they do to us, they should get their own kind of payback! 😤

caleb would have likely been surprised you'd mention it at all. he's more of a giver, than anything else—but the mere thought of having you suck him off would appeal to him the moment you suggested it. it's only unfortunate that you're a tease about it, but he probably expected it, anyway—you always teased each other, after all, whether out of bed or not. of course, not that expecting it could stop the impatient curses from falling from his lips, a telltale sign of how affected he was by it. maybe, if you teased him a little too much, he'd probably snap—fuck your mouth like he intends to, and perhaps, teach you a lesson for making him wait. but, whatever the case... he will use your pretty mouth to get off. i mean, you offered, right? it would be rude if he didn't make the most of it! "haah, you're a tease, pipsqueak. should'a just—fuck—taken it in when i told you to—"

rafayel? he would be so FLUSTERED but also so. fucking. pissed. you wouldn't hear the end of it! he'd be sulking, alright—complaining to no end, straight up accusatory in his tone the more you tease him... except, unfortunately for him, it would only make you tease him more. more than whatever silly antics you'd started with, you'd have a mission make him so sensitive under the slightest of your touches, and he'd be shuddering. it wouldn't take long after that for him to begrudgingly start begging you, and then, god, the moan he'd let out when you finally take him in would be so heavenly. he'd immediately lose all restraint and start rutting into your mouth, moaning your name, singing praises lf how good it feels and how well you take him... "f-fuck, princess—plea—please, 's so good—"

xavier would be a mess. it wouldn't even be the teasing, he'd get hard the minute you suggest giving him a blowjob at all. it's almost like he's waited for the moment you'd offer one, and you could almost giggle at the way he would draw in a breath, eyes wide and attentive when you slowly pull down his pants. his cock would already be leaking when you take it out—so responsive. he would twitch at every little touch, letting out soft, quiet whimpers when you'd tease him, only looking at you pleadingly... but he wouldn't complain, and he'd be patient, and then you'd reward him for it. his head would be thrown back with a shaky gasp when you finally wrap your lips around him, his fingers threading through your locks to guide you into a comfortable pace. the tips of his ears would be red, his eyes shut, mouth falling open in breathless pants—and boy, it'd be a sight. it'd be an experience—for you, just as much as it would be for him. "a-ah... just like that, angel... s-so good... so good for me..."

zayne, in the first place, always enjoyed watching you take him, and you knew that offering to suck him off would excite him. but how you got the courage to dare tease him at a was beyond the both of you. his gaze would remain steely into your own, eyebrows quirked up in a silent dare... it would be inevitable to have this courage of yours falter, and you'd allow him to massage his fingers into your scalp, guiding you into the rhythm that he wanted. low grunts would fall from his lips, and even if this had started with you offering to make him cum, you'd find yourself completely at his mercy. his words and his hands would coax you to take him all the way into your mouth, soothing you through the rocking of his hips and the feeling of having him press deep into your throat. "mmm. that's a good girl, sweetheart. so nice and deep, just the way i like it."

⁺₊ / an: AUGH... thoughts of giving them head... suddenly i want it so BADLY

© rose-tinted-kalopsia. all rights reserved. do not: steal, copy, repost, reupload, modify, or claim any of my works as your own, regardless of credit given. absolutely do not use my works for AI training and other related purposes.

[herhimthem]

KOSA ISNT BEING VOTED TODAY I REPEAT KOSA ISNT BEING VOTED TODAY!!!!

https://www.senate.gov/committees/hearings_meetings.htm

THERE ISNT ANY SENATE MEETING OR HEARING TODAY. PLEASE DO NOT PANIC. WE HAVE UNTIL AFTER MARCH 13TH.

KEEP CALLING YOUR GOVERNORS AND START ORGANIZING!!! START PROTESTING OUTSIDE BUILDINGS, START MARCHING, START FIGHTING IF YOU CAN!!!!!!! AND IF YOU CANT, START SPREADING THE WORD ABIUT THESE THINGS!!!

OH MY GOD WAIT WHAT

IS THIS TRUE?? SOMEONE PLEASE COMMENT OR REBLOG AND LET ME KNOW

────────────

Update #2 - 2/26/2024

edit in case folks don't see the reblog:

Update on this.

I looked at the website and yes, there *is* no mention of any voting on KOSA happening before or past March 13th, March 13th is where the schedule ends. I'm still not sure, so keep digging for more info.

putting the link again so others can examine

U.S. Senate: Hearings & Meetings

────────────

Update #3 - 2/27/2024

ANOTHER another update, somebody relogged this with extra info

I'm gonna start putting dates on these updates so people know what's happening when

────────────

Update #4 - 3/2/2024

So, today I was on Reddit reading about KOSA, and I found this on r/AO3

Here's the Invest in Child Safety Act, it only has five cosponsors compared to KOSA's sixty-three.. wonder why..

Anyways, I was wondering, could steering reps away from KOSA while leading them towards other and SAFER bills help? :P

If these bills really ARE safer, wouldn't it give us a better chance of KOSA not being passed if we gave our Senators and Reps examples of alternative bills they could support?

Like, instead of just saying "DON'T DO THIS!!!" We could say "DON'T DO THIS, but THIS is a better alternative that will keep everyone safe AND actually be helpful."

I have a feeling most of the Democrats supporting this bill have fallen for the "We're protecting the children!!" farse. So, let's not just tell them the problem, but offer a solution! An alternative that will ACTUALLY protect children.

I posted this as it's own thing, but I wanted to add it to this update thread so people are more likely to see it.

Please post this on other sites, on Twitter, TikTok, other Reddit pages, etc. I only ask that you cover-up my username :]

(link to the actual post)

[beneathashadytree]

FELINE AFFECTION - XAVIER SHEN X READER

Warnings : Xavier absolutely gives off “I’m terrified of my spouse” vibes here because he has 0 financial responsibility, reader is gender-neutral!

Genre : tooth-rotting domestic fluff <3

Word count : 1.0K words

Additional notes : My head is simply full of thoughts of that new pose of Xavier in the Glint photobooth, where he’s cuddling a cat… and the brainrot birthed this. I’m so in love with him.

Tip jar!

Masterlist

“Xavier.”

For a few beats there was no reply, and then a very hesitant, “Yes?” came from the couch they were staring at so intently—and for good reason, really. His innocent expression did not erase the truth of what they were seeing.

“What’s that in your arms?” they very patiently asked, as though the calmer they said it, the more inclined he would be to answer honestly. A futile attempt at coaxing, when Xavier knew better than to ignore the signs of an oncoming scolding.

“Nothing,” he quickly replied, sky blue eyes darting away before they could meet theirs. A very telling sign, if anything; Xavier was weak to them and would always give in with a single piercing glance shooting straight for his heart.

They arched their brow as they set their keys down on the coffee table, before crossing their arms against their chest. “So you’re saying I’m seeing things?”

A trick question. He swallowed thickly, carefully contemplating his answer and then quietly saying, “I didn’t say that.”

“A contradictory claim.” Their expression was cool, but the challenge in their eyes was anything but. “Answer this then, are you holding a kitten right now?”

He stayed silent for a few moments. “Well… no.” Not very convincing—especially not when there really was a pudgy tabby cat swaddled into his soft sweater and lazily swatting at the hem’s loose threads, and his own fingers were busy gently trailing across its head.

A strangled noise left them at the sight and his continued denial. Pinching their nose in exasperation, they shut their eyes for a second. “Care to explain, then?”

“Technically, she’s a little over two years old, so she’s a cat, not a kitten,” he mumbled, half to himself, hoping that they would just drop it. It seemed he wasn’t in the mood to be very upfront today. But he certainly looked like he was in the mood to tickle the pink paws of his new feline friend and boop her twitching little nose.

“Err… lovely,” they strained to keep their voice level and absolutely calm, definitely not freaking out over this… fascinating surprise. “And what’s she doing in our apartment?”

“It’s hers now too.” A bold statement to make, from a man who looked like—were he a cat too, that is—his own whiskers were standing on end. “If anything happens to her I’ll jump.”

“Knowing your luck, you’d survive the fall anyways.” A tired sigh, and then their shoulders were drooping, their fight dissolving all at once. They collapsed onto the couch beside him, and thankfully the cat seemed to be twice as lazy as her new owner was, because she made no indication of having gotten startled, save for a slow blink of her eyes (that was admittedly rather adorable). “Fine, have it your way.”

That sweet smile of his graced his soft features, and for a moment their heart thundered in their chest, reminding them that no matter how much they would try to deny it, they really were weak to anything he wanted—as long as he gave them that smile, of course. “She’s very content like this,” they pointed out as the cat in question yawned, leaning into his finger deftly stroking her forehead.

“I know we’re often on missions, and I didn’t want to risk negligence. So I searched for the lowest maintenance kitty to adopt,” he softly said, voice trailing off at the end and an endearingly tender look in his eyes as he continued to pet her. Glancing up at his beloved, he flushed a little at the amusement on their face. “Sorry. She’s just very fluffy.”

At that they chuckled a little, reveling in the way he let himself get carried away. “It’s fine. I was honestly just worried about precisely that. Pets are a huge responsibility, but she’d be perfectly compatible with us.” They looked down and watched as she stretched her fluffy limbs, before curling back up into Xavier’s chest, a content look on her adorable face and her tail swishing a little in her light sleep. The resemblance finally became clear. “She’s… an awful lot like you.”

“Really?” he mused, a thoughtful expression on his face as he furrowed his eyebrows a little. “I hadn’t noticed.”

“Kind of hard to ignore once you see it,” they snorted a little, though they lowered their voice after they saw how the slumbering cat twitched in her sleep at the sound. “You got all the stuff she needs, though?”

“I may or may not have used up this month’s salary at the pet store.” Xavier sheepishly gave them a half-smile, though he didn’t look apologetic in the least at the prospect of having wasted a ludicrous amount of money on things that the soon-to-be-spoilt kitty may never even use.

Seriously, had he always wanted a cat this bad?

Well. There was no use in admonishing him when he seemed so enamored by the ball of fluff in his arms. In fact… maybe a small part of them fell a bit more in love with him seeing him so content with the (admittedly rash) decision he’d made, and perfectly happy with staying cuddled up forever on the couch.

“Did you name her?” they asked, curiosity lacing their words as they peered at her tiny face nuzzled against his chest. “It’s only fair you get the chance to when you brought her in.”

Really, it wasn’t such a bad idea after all, now that they thought about it. Cats are rather independent, and they knew without a shadow of a doubt that they’d definitely shower her with unconditional love and all the care that she needs. Kind of hard not to, when she was this sweet-looking and lazy all the time.

Xavier nodded, a small flush on his freckled cheeks. A look akin to pride on his face, he smiled up at his lover, slowly cradling the happily dozing cat, and said—

“Her name’s Meatloaf.”

…

“Absolutely not.”

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[withered--s0uls]

Hi system with bpd here. Posting this so fairy anon might see this and maybe be able to help the alter and system :)

DISCLAIMER: We are no medical professional, all I'm about to say comes from our own experiences as an Introject heavy system, our experiences with pseudos and information we have gained from other systems who are trying to heal. Please seek a professional in the field of DID & OSDD1 a/b for a more professional take on how to deal with the dissociation from reality through pseudo memories. Thank you.

First off, I hope it'll comfort you that alters cannot die unless the body dies. We can only disappear either by fusing with another alter through integration (a sign of healing!) or dormancy (can be either healing or the opposite, just means you aren't needed in the system atm/anymore or can't handle it's current situation so you basically "hibernate" in a way?)

Second off, this is why source seperation is very important. It's a requirement for Introjects to be able to heal.

Note: Sorce Separation does NOT mean to strip yourself of any and all things from your source. It means to be able to tell apart your source and pseudos from reality and acknowledge you're your own person and not your source. You're not a fictional character (if fictive) or someone else (if factive) or anything inbetween (if mixed/partial Introject).

You are a real person. Part of a real whole. Whatever happened in your source wasn't real and didn't actually happen to you. It can still be upsetting, but you need to be able to tell apart reality and pseudos bc if you don't, that may cause genuinely delusional beliefs and views on yourself and reality.

Example:

One of our fictives is an IDV fictive whose source relates to white sand street asylum. I wont say what their source character is for their comfort. Anyways.

They are triggered by mental hospital topics, especially bad experiences in them. Because the body went through something similar. Nowhere NEAR as bad as in their source ofc bc modern time, but still.

Pseudo memories aren't real, but they are usually metaphors for something the body went through. You have pseudos of being locked up but your body never was? It can be a metaphor for feeling trapped during the trauma.

You'll need to be able to tell apart your pseudos from your knowledge and hcs of source, and then also tell apart your pseudos from reality.

Source seperation can take time and be uncomfortable for alters who are still actively using their source as a way of comfort. Furthermore, if you're still actively going through trauma irl then it's an escape mechanism.

Pseudos are fake memories usually made bc the real memory is too painful or because the system needed escapism. However, that's that, they're fake. They're a form of dissociation in fact.

You're based on your source, but you're a separate person.

Yes, you can point at your source and go "look that's me!!" Just know that you aren't 100% that character, you didn't go through the happenings of your source.

Even if your partner isn't ready to fully source separate, please I beg do not treat them as the character. Treat them as their own person. Don't encourage the dissociation (coming from someone who had their dissociation through pseudos encouraged by other systems and singlets before) but provide comfort to them. Remind them they're more than their source & redirect them if something like being this upset over pseudos happens again.

Harming another alter in any way (typically emotionally bc like we literally share a body) is a form of self harm. What your gf did was self harm within the system. Try to support her through whatever she's going through and if their system is safe to and ready to, support them trying to find an Identity outside their source.

You're no therapist, you cant provide the required professional help, but you can be there as a support.

THIS WAS ALL; /GEN /LH AND /INFO!!

These are things our system had to learn and understand the hard way, so I do feel like I need to help here.

I'm a Varian tangled fictive myself. I'm pretty source separated but still identify with my sources appearance and some other traits. That's completely fine! Because I *am* Varian, however, I am not *the* Varian, I'm simply *based on* him.I'm not a fictional character behind a TV screen. I'm a person. That's the important thing you need to realize to heal :)

-🧪

Link to a twitter thread of us talking about our experiences and way of coping with bpd splits!

bpd culture is well fuck my gf and fp (an alter in a system) just found the dickhead who created their lore (which was a whole bunch of severely traumatic stuff) and then attempted to kill them in the headspace and was thus stuck in headspace jail for a bit. like on one side uh. yes, justified, half her backstory isnt just horrible but even as fiction was extremely triggering, but on the OTHER side if my main oc appeared.... would be hell for me, and like i wouldnt expect it, so their writer prolly didnt expect it either...

but if i have to pick sides im always on my darlings side. i dont care if shes wrong.

-fairy anon

.

[imaginesig]

The Y/l’s

Logan Sargent x journalist!reader

SMAU

Similar to Allison and Issac Rochelle Kutch, the internet decided that you are not a Sargent, but rather Logan is a Y/l. I imagine this takes place years in the future (Logan isn't 22 and in his rookie season but a little older)

logansargent

Liked by: Alex_albon, daltonsargent, y/nsargent, and 369,298 others

logansargent: I recommend marrying your childhood crush. Y/n, this past year of being your husband has been incredible, every year I get to count as being yours is better than the last. It's always been you -Your husband ❤️

Tagged y/nsargent

y/nsargent from friends to “friends” to dating to married, who wouldn’t thunk it! Love you so much Lo❤️

logansargent love you more ❤️

alex_albon “friends” is crazy

daltonsargent those teen years were something

user1 my standards aren’t high, I just want a man who will openly declare himself mine on main

Williamsracing our fav bride💙

y/nsargent Williams admin 🔛🔝

user2 I cant decide if I love or hate the idea of wrecking the dress at the end of the reception 🫠

oscarpiastri I can’t believe I’ve had to deal with y’all for so long

logansargent do you want compensation or something??

y/nsargent here’s a cookie for your troubles 🍪

user3 "its always been you" SCREAMING CRYING THROWING UP

y/nsargent

Liked by lilymhe, oscarpiatri, logansargent, and 275,230 others

y/nsargent been making Sargent look good for a whole year 💪💪 Logan, it’s been a fairytale with you!! Thank you for being here for everything and showing me that long distance is worth it❤️

Tagged logansargent

logansargent you make Sargent look damn good baby❤️

y/nsargent 🥰

lilymhe absolutely stunning- one of my favorite days ever!!

y/nsargent best maid of honor ever (even though you showed me up at my own wedding)

lilymhe i couldn’t never show you up (you can get payback at mine promise)

y/nsargent can’t wait!! @/alex_albon tick tick

alex_albon you’re either flirting with her or encouraging a proposal

user1 uugh the wedding collage is such a vibe 😫

user2 literal goals

y/nsargent

Liked by user5, logansargent, user8, and 504,394 others

y/nsargent: the grind>>>

Tagged: no one

user1 full time journalist AND full time wag

user2 what can’t she do

logansargent it don’t stop 💪😎

landonorris ok frat boy

user3 Logan is the real trophy husband here

oscarpiastri real

user4 OSCAR?? WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE??

lilymhe I’m still in awe of your ability to work on a plane

y/nsargent it’s less of my ability to and more of that Coke next to me in the first pic 💀

user5 LMAO

user6 I love how she never misses watching a race

user7 especially bc her schedule is already so crazy

user8 fr she’s constantly flying from one place to another writing for a million companies

user9 She's everything and he's just Ken

logansargent

Liked by landonorris, williamsracing, user12, and 474,393 others

logansargent Podium in my home race for my good luck charm- it'll always be you 🍀🏆

Tagged williamsracing, y/nsargent

y/nsargent when he dedicated his home race to you >>>

landonorris he talks like a frat dude and you talk like you’re chronically on tik tok…

oscarpiastri match made in heaven

y/nsargent I don’t remember inviting this energy into my comment thread

user1 screaming crying throwing up

user2 “my good luck charm” 🤸🏼‍♀️🚊

user3 sleeping on the Highway

user4 toaster bath bomb fr fr

user5 Logan making it on the podium and still bringing up his wife is literal trophy husband behavior

user6 Logan Y/l fr fr

user7 who’s Logan Sargent anyway? Ew

y/nsargent 👀 @/lilymhe

lilymhe well when you bring Taylor into the convo…

Williamsracing on three everyone say thank you y/n

y/nsargent thank you y/n

Alex_albon girlie bffr

user8 why am I crying? no reason just Logan always telling it is or it always will be her

y/nsargent

Liked by lilymhe, user3, user1, and 208,829 others

y/nsargent wreck my plans that’s my man 🇺🇸🦅

Tagged logansargent, Williamsracing

logansargent and what did I do to deserve a T Swift caption??

y/nsargent just by being the trophy husband you are ❤️

logansargent proudly ❤️

user1 y/n always delivers 10/10 Logan content

user2 the emojis💀

lilymhe that pic is literal goals

y/nsargent we're literal goals

lilymhe love you bae

logansargent do we have any defense here

Alex_albon none mate

Y/nsargent with spokeswomen

liked by taylorswift, lilymhe, Serenawilliams, and 960,483 others

y/nsargent: no one is gonna tell you this kid, but I can now. You are gonna have so many sleepless nights, so many long plane rides across the world, so many abandoned relationships, and so so many tears. You're gonna cover more sports games, fashion shows, and political events than you ever thought possible. You will hit the very rock bottom of it all multiple times, but you’ll keep going. Thank God that you did, because now you have multiple awards under your belt as well as your own news provider, @/spokeswomen!

I don't know what the future will look like other than more busy, busy days but thank you to everyone who has supported me on this journey and will continue to 🫶🫶

Tagged: spokeswomen

lilymhe your journey has been so so inspirational to women in all fields! I am so excited that because of you and your connections the world now has another safe space for female based news!! 💖

y/nsargent love you lil!! You are as much as an inspiration to me💖

logansargent I'll be your coffee runner forever if it means shit like this gets done 👏

y/nsargent you're gonna regret saying that user6 we love a supportive husband user7 Mr. Y/l raising standards everywhere

taylorswift such a incredible creation!! So many wonderful stories are gonna be shared and many necessary actions will be kicked started here-- you have a loyal follower

y/nsargent ahh thank you so much!! It is such an honor to read this, especially after all the hype sessions to "The Man" and "Mad Women"

user1 if @/spokeswomen has a hundred followers I'm one, if they have 1 its me, and if they have 0 I'm dead

user2 I love the idea of all women based and written articles on a wide range of topics-- they website/media pages are so aesthetic too😫

user3 so Logan goes vroom vroom for a job while Y/n created an entire news company to share women's voices??

user4 official petition to have their last names changed to Y/l

liked by y/nsargent and lilymhe

user5 live, laugh, love Y/n Y/l

serenawilliams it's people like you who make the world a better place

y/nsargent likewise- you've been one of my biggest inspirations

logansargent

liked by oscarpiastri, Alex_albon, user94, and 573,902 others

logansargent: the setup v.s the view 😍

tagged: y/nsargent

y/nsargent is this a thirst trap for our marriage??

lilymhe you can take the boy away from the frat boy mentality, but you can't take the mentality out of the boy...

user1 men<< women fr fr

y/nsargent Logan Y/l energy

user2 LMAO Y/N 💀

user3 SHE KNOWS

logansargent how does that equate to Kenergy

williamsracing room with a view 🫶

User4 his hands???

User5 foaming at the mouth

User6 what does she use to do her hair? It looks great

Williamsracing

Liked by y/nsargent, user4, logansargent

Williamsracing: the air smells like a podium for Mr. Y/l this weekend‼️

Tagged logansargent

User1 Babe wake up Williams called Logan Y/l

Y/nsargent Williams gets it

Lilymhe the word is spreading

Logansargent I’m still just as confused as in Y/n’s comment section

Y/nsargent don’t worry babe

oscarpiastri it’s your true form

user2 *eagle screech*

user3 the last name was the final factor to becoming the ultimate trophy husband

user4 lmao he's about to ascend

Y/nsargent

Liked by lilymhe, partner1, user4, and 847,280 others

Y/nsargent vacation with the Y/n’s

Tagged Logansargent

Logansargent I feel like I’m losing my manly man cred with this new trend

Alex_albon don’t worry man you can’t lose what you never had

Lilymhe Alex you're one to talk

y/nsargent BAHAHAHAH

user1 not Logan losing his mind over this 😭

User2 “my manly man cred” ROLLING

oscarpiastri he called me to complain about this

User3 not Dalton telling on him

Logansargent if you’ve spent the amount of time I have talking with her abt being a SARGENT and then spend over a year with the name SARGENT you’d be concerned too

Y/nsargent awww lo 🥺

logansargent

Liked by ylnsargent, landonorris, user9, and 736,028 others

Logansargent can’t here y'all up here

Tagged y/nsargent

Y/nsargent get them with the clap back baby!!

Lilymhe we’re rooting for you!!

Logansargent y’all are both assholes

User1 Leia ate

logansargent golden hour goddess

user2 oh to travel to the mountains with my husband and our dog

y/nsargent I'd also like to add Leia has my last name at the vet...

logansargent too bad I don't go to the vet as well

user3 LMAO

user4 we love the middle school comebacks

user5 this entire family has pretty privilege

lilymhe

liked by y/nsargent. alex_albon, logansargent, and 720,208 others

lilymhe dinner with the He's and Y/l's

tagged: y/nsargent, logansargent, Alex_albon

y/nsargent I missed our dinners

lilymhe same!! screw adult life with adult responsibilities

user1 that looks so good

user2 oh to be invited to a dinner with Y/n and Lily

user3 why does that salad look so plain💀

Alex_albon wondeful night darling ❤️ thank you to everyone involved for trusting mine and Logan's cooking

logansargent a very big thank you

user4 he's just building the resume, soon all Y/n will need to do is work and be pretty

logansargent that's the goal

y/nsargent

liked by taylorswift, user9, lilymhe, and 938,238 others

y/nsargent we've hit 1 million followers on @/spokeswomen!! This project has meant so much to me and to see it grow has been unreal!! Thank you to the wonderful group of women who stand beside me and help keep this dream afloat- I love y'all more than words💖

Logan (and Leia), thank you for all the nights you've held me together when I wanted to fall apart and quit this project. You saw the vision that was so much bigger than me. I love you so much ❤️

tagged: spokeswomen, logansargent, partner1, partner2, partner3, partner4

user1 since they adopted Leia she's been in every post of theirs 😭

user2 they're so real for it

partner2 I'm forever in awe of your hard work and how you made a dream your reality!!

logansargent you have always and will always be the one for me, wether or not 7 y/o me knew it. You are such an inspiration to me always. I will always pick you up when you fall, because you've always been the wind beneath me to keep me soaring high ❤️

y/nsargent now I'm crying at work, I love you so much Lo❤️

user3 that office in an introverts nightmare

y/nsargent don't worry! Everyone's preference and comfort was taken into account when designing- we have plenty of support for all kinds of social types. Plus we've all grown close so it feels more casual than cold and business-y

user4 that's so considerate

partner3 she's the best boss ever

partner1 I'm in debt to you everyday for bring me onto this amazing project- I cannot wait to see what the future holds

user5 aww Logan and Leia

Alex_albon top tier dog dad right there

lilymhe when can we get one

Alex_albon with what time?

y/nsargent you're so right, y'all are too busy for a dog. Now a specific diamond ring however...

lilymhe you heard the lady

logansargent

liked by y/nsargent, daltonsargent, landonorris, and 824,202 others

logansargent cheers to 2 whole years of marriage! I never want to imagine a reality where we aren't together- thank you so much for all the support and love. The only girl you could ever come second to is Leia. I promise to forever bring you coffee, make sure you rest, and mostly importantly love you. Its always been you- Mr. Y/l

tagged: Y/nsargent

y/nsargent ALERT THE PUBLIC HE SAID MR. Y/L

user6 "its always been you- Mr. Y/n" I can't handle this rn

user7 Logan finally used Y/l

user8 as much as I hated the wait, this was the best time for him to do it

y/nsargent I love you so much Lo, I'm holding you up to your promises- specially the last one

logansargent yes ma'am

user1 YOURE TELLING ME HER WEDDING RING IS ENGRAVED WITH WHAT HE ALWAYS TOLD/TELLS HER

user2 the childhood friends to lovers trope is truly magical

user3 God it's me again

user4 I just want a man who will openly admit his love, as well as say it's always been me

user5 Y/n just lives in a romance novel

lilymhe my absolute favorites 🫶 many years of happiness and adventures to you three

y/nsargent 🫶

Alex_albon congrats on the big 2!! Love you both

logansargent thank you man

williamsracing we're not crying over the Y/l's, you are🥹

f1 in this house we support the Sargent's/Y/l's

[heliza24]

Thoughts about Domesticity, Carework, and the American Dream in episode 2.5 of Interview with the Vampire

I’ve been mulling over episode 2.5 a lot. There was so much to love in the episode (the incredible writing, the kitchen sink off Broadway play of it all, the chemistry between Luke, Jacob and Assad, the vulnerability in Eric’s performance). But my mind keeps circling a couple of themes, trying to piece them together. So as usual I’m here on tumblr to try to work it out. 

I keep coming back to the way that Armand was gendered in this episode. His big complaint to Louis was that he was “home picking lint off the sofa”. He arrives with “mop and misery” to clean up the mess. Louis insults him by calling him “the good nurse”. All those things are feminized. They’re also extremely of the era; these are Feminine Mystique, mid-century housewife type complaints. The wife’s job is to make the husband’s life smooth and never worry about her own happiness. Obviously in the 1970s we’re seeing this begin to change thanks to second wave feminism. We’re in the process of trying to ratify the ERA, Ms. magazine has just been founded, and things are shifting. The kind of cheery domestic American dream of the 1950s is definitely shifting, and we see this in the episode as well. Betty Hutton selling sewing machines competes with Spiro Agnew resigning on TV. The watergate scandal signified a loss of faith in American authority, a kind of parallel destruction of the country’s father figure (brought down by journalists, no less). The comfortable lie of domesticity, the “prison of empathy” that Armand has created around Louis is crumbling. Armand is boring but he’s also bored, like a housewife taking valium to get by. The whole episode is set in an apartment that reeks of divorce, according to Daniel, and we’re seeing it play out in real time. When Armand lashes out to hurt Louis, he does it not through direct violence, like Lestat, but by holding his failure as a father over him, telling him that Claudia  never loved him. That jab, in combination with the way he’s edited Louis’s memories (gaslighting, another time honored form of domestic abuse) is enough to get Louis to hurt himself. LIke a wife who is always outwardly obedient to her husband but spends her time exacting petty revenge against him for the way he takes her for granted, Armand’s methods are never violent. They are soft and subtle and targeted.

I have to thank @bluedalahorse for first alerting me to the way the crumbling domestic American dream is threaded through this episode. And after she mentioned it I saw it *everywhere*. 

Obviously there is a level of complexity here in the Loumand relationship that this metaphor cannot fully capture. For one thing, Armand is a man. He was turned in a time before modern understanding of gender and sexuality really solidified, so in some way it makes sense that he would be the most gender fluid of our main characters, but his position would be a lot different if he were a woman, even a woman vampire. And Armand is very powerful. His insecurities and crippling fear of being alone keep him from exercising this power and walking away in a way that would perhaps be healthier for both him and Louis. But he is not trapped economically or socially in the way a wife would have been in this era. (That being said, I get the sense that *something* about the way the fire happened in Paris has made Louis and Armand go to ground. Maybe there is an element of being “trapped together because of fear of exposure”. But even then, I think my point still stands.)

To drill down and become more specific, there’s an extra added layer to the way Armand is feminized in this episode. I’ve written a lot about disability in this show and also the way it approaches eugenics, and those things were very on my mind as I rewatched this episode. (To be fair, they are always on my mind when I watch anything. Being disabled will do that to you.) Anyway, the specific way that Armand casts himself in this episode is as a caregiver. He is a beleaguered, bitter caregiver to those weaker to him. I think you hear this especially when he describes to Louis what happened: “you said the worst things you ever said to me, and then you walked into the sun. And now you are a convalescent.” The absolute sneer on the word convalescent.  The absolute disdain for being put in this position again. The way he denies Louis the blood and keeps him out of his coffin for so long. The “final act of service” in calling Lestat. And then the tenderness laced with fear. Will he “be on suicide watch for the next 1000 years?”. 

Armand is fascinating to me because of the way he seems to instinctively reject people who remind him of his own past weaknesses. Those weaknesses are buried down deep in his characterization, but they’re there and they’re important. He was sick and wasting away when he was turned. And before that he was an abused sex worker. You can see the way he dismisses people in similar situations in the way he treats Daniel in this episode. He calls Daniel a “broken boy” when he’s talking to Louis. He casually rejects the idea that there might be any sort of truth captured in Daniel’s tapes. The interviews on those tapes are with a sex worker and gay veteran and his disabled refugee husband. All of these people are so close to Armand in so many ways. I even think this is why Armand comes down so hard on Claudia, and why he cannot abide the true empathy and love Louis has for her. Claudia was turned when her body was weak. Weaker and more disabled, so to speak, than Armand. But they are not dissimilar. But Louis loves Claudia anyway, and respects her strengths. No one ever shown the love Louis shows to Claudia to Armand. No one ever granted him true empathy. The only way he has been able to hold on to any love at all is to grovel, to manage, to care give. The only way he experiences care is to give it. Of course he’s broken, of course he’s bitter.

So now we come to Daniel. The broken boy who has suicidal ideation and a drug problem, things that make him imminently dismissable in Armand’s mind. But Daniel also has a drive, a passion for life, and a love for the people who slip through the cracks. Louis and Daniel definitely share this great affection for humanity, and it’s what allows them to connect in San Francisco and again in Dubai. And it’s what makes him inscrutable, and captivating, to Armand. Because there really is no greater act of service than telling somebody’s story. Daniel describes himself as a therapist ironically in Dubai, but what he’s doing is carework. It’s real empathy. And Armand doesn’t understand that. Armand doesn’t understand what someone is doing recording the stories of people who were just like him. A whole universe of possibilities opens in the moment when Armand almost starts telling Daniel his story. Out of all the ways Daniel tries to save himself, that little life line of empathy is what almost snags Armand. But then Armand clamps back down, realizes he’s staring into a “black hole”. He’s trying to insult Daniel when he says that, but to me it just sounds like he’s describing himself.

When Armand is lulling Daniel into death, the thing he chooses to describe to him is the American domestic fantasy. He describes it as a fate worse than death. He describes it as a boring trap. And he specifically casts Daniel in the masculine, straight role in that fantasy, with a wife “vacuuming on valium” who “counts down his thrusts”. In some ways Armand is painting his own relationship to Louis as the worst possible fate that Daniel could suffer. (And it makes me wonder– did Armand ever wonder if he would amount to anything? Does he think his life has any meaning at all, if you subtract the vampiric powers? Armand has never stopped to introspect like this, but I wonder what would happen if you forced him to.)

But Daniel is stubborn, and his desire to tell stories and empathize with people resists death. I love that he still defends himself, still claims that he’s “a bright young reporter with a point of view” and that that is worth something. Because it is.

When Louis asks Armand to save Daniel, Daniel unwittingly becomes a symbol of Louis and Armand’s continued marriage. He’s a wedding ring, a vows renewal. He’s emblematic of the continuation of failing vampiric domesticity. And when Louis tries to repair the damage Armand has wrought, he isn’t able to offer Daniel soothing words about his ability to find a spouse or raise children or understand love. Louis doesn’t understand those things, so how could he teach Daniel about them? But Louis has always understood stories and humanity, so he is able to gift Daniel his writing and his reporting back. 

I think you can interpret Daniel’s failed marriages and difficult relationship with his children in a lot of ways. We could say that he was always going to fail at these things, regardless of whether or not he met the vampires, because of the discontent that Armand sensed in him. Maybe the trauma that this aborted gay hookup with Louis created was enough to re-closet him, and send him down a dark road of unfulfilled straight relationships. Or maybe Armand’s words really did echo around in his head and pull him down as much as Louis’s lingered and sustained him over the years. Maybe we’ll get more answers about this as the show goes on, or maybe it will live in the ambiguous world of memory and manipulation the show so often plays in.

Regardless, I think this episode was a masterpiece, and the way it firmly established these themes about the failure of domesticity and the burden and joys of carework are going to really matter, I think, as we hit the brutal conclusion of the season. When emotions are at a breaking point, especially between Armand and Louis, they are going to resonate because they were grounded in this little claustrophobic wonder of an episode.

As a little postscript, I’m not quite sure where we’re going with Devil’s Minion after this episode, or if we’re even going there at all. If a DM timeline happened in the past, it would require additional editing of Daniel’s memory, and I’m not quite sure if that reveal would work structurally. (I would love to be proven wrong about this though, because I would love for young Daniel and Armand to have interacted more, for Assad and Luke’s chemistry if nothing else. They were so wonderful together.)  If it were to happen in Dubai, or to happen again Dubai, however… well that’s interesting. Because older Daniel is disabled. He’s even more firmly in this category of people that Armand is apt to dismiss. And if they were to get together, there would probably be some aspect of caregiving on Armand’s part. And there would also be some caregiving on Daniel’s part, in his ability to listen to Armand. So that has the potential to be really fascinating, and maybe mutually beneficial to both characters. But I think we have to cover a lot of ground before we would be able to get there.

[justaz]

merlin convincing morgana to remain in camelot and bonding over magic. uther dies and arthur becomes king and merlin and morgana are eager for arthur to repeal the ban but it never happens. then arthur and gwen are courting and morgana and merlin are a bit upset but are happy for them (sorta) but mainly they’re waiting for the ban to be repealed. it never happens. then gwen and arthur get married and morgana and gwen (+ lancelot) are devastated but hanging on by a thread for the magic ban to be repealed. it never happens. morgana is growing angrier and angrier while merlin is growing more and more reckless. morgana picks fights with arthur while merlin sticks to the shadows and protects arthur from unseen threats like always but he stops putting up much of a fight. he keeps coming back beaten black and blue, bloodied, on the brink of death.

morgana finally snaps at merlin and is like “i’ve been waiting for the ban to be lifted like you promised it would be and nothings changed. i cannot stay in this kingdom and watch the love of my life be happy with my brother while hiding myself away! you can be fine with the lying and hiding but i’m done! i’ll make my own damn happy ending” and storms off to flee camelot. lancelot finds merlin and they talk about it and lancelot is like “honestly, she has a point. i’m in love with gwen and that’ll never change. it pains me to see them so happy even though i wish nothing but the best for them. the only reason i’m still in camelot is you, merlin. if you want to stay, i’ll stay with you. if you want to go, then we’ll go.” merlin unsure and lance goes “it was you and me in the beginning, it can be you and me again” and merlin tears up but is still unsure and lance compromises with “we don’t have to leave forever. just a month or two, a year or five. however long you need.”

merlin finally agrees and lancelot goes to pack while merlin finds gwaine and tells him his plan bc if he doesn’t tell gwaine then the man will hunt him down like a bloodhound. gwaine ofc immediately agrees to go with him and they all pack their things. merlin shuffles into arthur’s chambers and turns in his resignation from his service and arthur starts freaking out like “wait what?? what’s wrong?? what happened??? let me fix it. was it a nobleman? a knight? was it me?? please tell me it wasn’t me. what happened??” and merlin can’t handle it so he just restates that he’s resigning, bows and says it was somewhat of an honor, and then turns and leaves. he finds lance and gwaine in gaius’s chambers with mordred. merlin rolls his eyes but is also kinda grateful for his friends. arthur storms in and finds three of his knights also packed at they’re like “oh shoot we were gonna tell you in the morning but since you’re here, we’re resigning too”

now arthur is faced with three less knights and one less manservant than an hour ago (he has yet to find out about his sister’s fleeing). he questions them again and the room gives merlin and arthur some privacy for merlin to tell arthur that nothing is wrong but that they just need some time away. it probably won’t be permanent but they have to leave. arthur isn’t begging because kings don’t beg but he’s doing a damn good impression and merlin is on the verge of tears again and is begging arthur not to make things harder than it needs to be. arthur grows angrier now and is like “then tell me why. why are you leaving? why are my knights leaving? tell me.” and merlin can’t think of an excuse bc he doesn’t want to push his troubles of unreciprocated love onto arthur so he just stands there and arthur is like “i thought you were one of the bravest men i ever met. turns our you’re nothing more than a coward.” anyways they split on bad terms.

merlin, lancelot, gwaine, and mordred leave camelot and have their own little adventures and run into morgana again and they form their own little band of travelers. arthur, gwen, leon, elyan, and percival are still in camelot with gwen and arthur completely in the dark while the rest of the knights Know. it’s like a few months after merlin and them left and arthur and them are drunk and he brings merlin and them up and asks what happened. the knights are quiet and gwen sits up and asks elyan and her voice is desperate enough that elyan breaks and goes “morgana and lancelot were in love with you” and they all just stare at each other and elyan rushes to fill the silence with stuff like how they wanted gwen to be happy but couldn’t bear watching gwen and arthur be so in love all the time, he explains that morgana left on her own but lancelot followed merlin. arthur asks if merlin was in love with gwen too and the knights shift before percival goes “no, he was in love with you” and leon sighs before explaining the rest.

“morgana and lancelot were in love with gwen while merlin was in love with arthur. morgana left on her own and merlin was influenced by her choice to leave and lancelot and gwaine followed him. mordred followed both morgana and merlin, i’m not sure what he would’ve done had merlin stayed and morgana left. gwaine followed merlin bc he’s in love with him.” he rubs his eye bc he can’t believe the mess things are even though it’s been this way for years “morgana couldn’t stand it. lancelot was loyal to merlin. gwaine was loyal to merlin. mordred was loyal to merlin and morgana. and merlin…merlin has been protecting you for years, arthur. he’s charged into battle against the threats you can’t see, the ones in the shadows. i’ve kept an eye on him since he got here but he’s had it handled. but recently, after your wedding, he grew reckless. he came back from every fight beaten like a pulp. he stopped trying. not to let you die, but to let them get the upper hand over him. he was dancing with death. it wasn’t healthy for any of them. that’s why they left.”

the knights leave arthur and gwen in their chambers to stew in silence, drunk and guilty and missing their friends and wondering how they could’ve missed the signs. merlin and them on the other hand are traveling from town to town, village to village, kingdom to kingdom and protecting villages from raiders, protecting druids from raids, stepping in on executions and freeing sorcerers.