#anyway basically its the way both of them were stuck in this messy excuse of a patchwork family

[biillys]

thinking about max and her having dark thoughts about billy and living with the guilt of it all when the worst truly did happen to him. 

like it wasn’t her fault and it’s never gonna be her fault but that doesn’t mean it isn’t gonna weigh on her specifically, especially those nights when she can’t sleep or when she has to catch the bus to school instead of getting driven or when she has to make herself dinner becos her mum’s never home now. 

and there’s probably always gonna be a little voice inside her head telling her she got exactly what she wished for. 

that maybe if she was a better sister, maybe if she cared more, maybe if she had done literally anything differently - maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. maybe billy would’ve survived, maybe he would’ve never been dragged into the mess in the first place.

but none of that happened, and instead he’s dead, and barely anyone even remembers his name, let alone mentions it. 

but then also thinking about how billy probably had similar dark thoughts about max, not necessarily in that context, but like. 

sometimes, on the shitty days, when he was fucking over it; wishing that his dad would just have a go at her, the actual problem, instead of him.

that maybe, instead of pushing him around for bringing her home late - pushing her around instead for being the actual reason they were late. he’s not asking for a fucking hospital visit, but maybe just something to make her fucking understand. 

he knows life isn’t fair, and complaining about it will get him nowhere - but god, sometimes the way she can do no wrong and the way he can only do wrong makes him wanna scream.

and when it finally happens, when he finally comes home one day to a subdued max and a tense neil, he wants to feel relieved. wants to be happy that it's finally both of them getting the full neil treatment, not just him. but instead he just feels guilty, like absolute fucking shit.

he tries to get her to talk to him, to give him a clue on what went down, but she's having none of it. pairs the bruise on her cheek with a miserable mood but doesn't complain once. does the dishes without being told and puts the garbage out even though that's usually billy's job.

billy doesn't sleep that night all. loses his appetite every time he see's the mark on her face.

the 2nd time it happens, billy's there to witness it. doesn't even realise anythings about to happen til it's too late. didn't realise his dad, who's let max run wild with her friends since the second the got to hawkins, all of a sudden has a real stick up his ass about max going out with them. turns out, she didn't either; she completely brushes neil off and gets ready to walk out the door before neil's voice rings out, stopping her in her tracks. billy knows the tone well, it's rooted billy to the spot, paralysed with dread and anger, more times than he can count.

max is at least smart enough to turn around and listen, which billy considers a win. she doesn't fight back like billy thought she would. was worried she would. hoped she would. instead, she let's neil have his shitty dad monologue, before she goes to push past him to hide out in her room. neil grabs her by the arm before she can get far, asks her if she understands. makes sure she verbally repeats the words to him before he lets her go.

if billy wasn't such a shitty excuse of an older brother, he could've stopped that. could've stepped in between, gotten himself involved, protected her.

but there's a phantom pain across his face, and flashing memories of his mom yelling at neil to let him go, holding up some frozen peas to his nose, telling him to stop involving himself when his dad gets like this, to keep himself safe, save himself.

and he knows this isn't the same, that he's the oldest now, the one meant to protect; but his own protector fucking left, and his idea of being a hero is messed up, and max is a big fucking kid that doesn't need her battles fought for her. max should know by now to listen to neil the first time, instead of brushing him off.

billy walks away.

(he never gets a chance to step in the third time.)

[sassycassie-s-writing]

Movie Night, Pillow Fight [Version 2]

By: SassyShoulderAngel319

Fandom/Character(s): DC/BatFam - Jason Todd/Red Hood

Rating: PG-13/T (maybe pushing M? but there’s still nothing super explicit. this is just a lot dirtier than I usually write holy cannoli. Heavy kissing, a little bit of suggestive dialogue and narration, minor swearing?)

Original Idea: This (V1 follows this idea a lot more than this one, which I spun off of about halfway through and did my own thing)

Notes: (Masterlist)(By Character)(About Me) I didn’t think this would be as long as Version 1. I was wrong. This one is ~200 words longer, at 3,491. Version 1 here. They start the exact same but change about halfway through. I wrote both of these two over the course of 1 day by the way, and refuse to pick a favorite. @welovegroot @jason-redhood @jason-todd-squad

^^^^^

“No, Bruce,” Jason said sharply into his phone as he grabbed his motorcycle helmet. “I’ve already told you a hundred times: Tuesdays are my day off. Unless it’s a Court-of-Owls-attacking-All-Hands-On-Deck emergency, I’m not going on patrol. I’m allowed one night off per week. And I have plans. It’s weekly movie night with a friend of mine. We’ve been doing movie night since college and I refuse to disappoint her. You know why I chose Tuesdays? Because Gotham’s crime rate is lowest. You’ll be fine without me.” He hung up before Bruce could reply.

—

I opened the door. “You’re late,” I said.

“Yeah. I had to go to two different stores to find your popcorn because they were out at the first one,” Jason replied, letting himself in and dropping his motorcycle helmet on my couch. “Let me go change into my sweats.” He pulled his grey sweatpants out of his backpack, two microwave popcorn bags falling out.

I grabbed them. “Thanks Jay,” I said playfully.

He gave me a brief hug before stepping past me to my bathroom. “The things I do for you,” he teased with a sigh.

“Get out of those jeans. You know they aren’t allowed,” I retorted before going over to the microwave. My bathroom door shut loudly. I boosted myself onto the counter and watched the popcorn spin in the microwave.

By the time Jason emerged from the bathroom, only one bag was done. He leaned against the counter next to me, arms folded, and joined my staring.

“So what movie did you bring?” I asked. “You said in your text it was one of your favorites.”

He beamed at me. “Well, my friend, we are watching the very first ever made Frankenstein. From nineteen-thirty-one.” He fixed me with a stare as my shoulders slouched. “Don’t you start moaning in complaint. You put me through watching that awful musical last week—”

“Excuse you, Phantom of the Opera is also a classic.”

“It’s basic.”

“You’re basic.”

“Maybe so, but after going through that ordeal, you promised we could watch one of my favorites. I managed not to fall asleep last week, so it’s my turn.” He stuck his tongue out at me, then shook his head. “I really need to refine your taste in theatre. Remind me to convince Bruce to give me his season tickets to the real opera. He never uses them anyway. Doesn’t know what he’s missing out on.”

Given Bruce’s parents were shot after leaving the opera, I imagined there was some childhood trauma there. I didn’t bring it up with Jason. We didn’t talk about family besides passing comments on movie nights.

When the second bag of popcorn was finished popping and put in its own large bowl—I had quite the collection of popcorn bowls, usually given to me—we went to my room.

Ever since we’d graduated college—two years ago—we’d had movie night in my bed, rather than on the couch, like we’d done in my dorm. The bed was comfier and gave us more room to spread out. I can’t even remember who suggested it, but it was probably me one week when I was sick or something and we’d just stayed that way ever since.

I’d always hosted too. In college it was because my roommate was never there, and now Jason just liked the escape from his family. They didn’t know where I lived, so the one time he hosted and they interrupted by coming over, he and I agreed we’d just have it at my place. I liked his brothers and sister well enough, but they’d ruined that movie night. I doubted Wayne Manor movie nights ever involved any movies no one had seen before—because everyone talked and yelled at each other too much to actually pay attention to the movie.

Jason put the DVD in the player in my room. “Prepare to be wowed,” he said.

“I’m prepared, trust me,” I replied flatly.

—

“Heeey,” Jason’s voice said softly. “Wake up, doofus.”

I blinked my eyes open blearily. “Wha…?”

He started chuckling. “You fell asleep about halfway through.”

“Duh. It was boring. What did you expect for a casual movie fan from this century watching something from nineteen-thirty-one?”

“Well, all that means is that we get to rewatch it—from the beginning—next week!” Jason declared. I frowned. “Don’t you pout at me. Those have been the official movie night rules since our freshman year of college.”

“That’s not true,” I said, pulling out my phone. I dug deep into the Google Docs on my phone for Movie Night Rules from our freshman year of college. Six years was a long way to scroll through, but eventually I found it. I opened the doc and scanned the rules. “Oh, buzz off,” I muttered, poking Jason in the side.

“No poking!” He lurched away. Jason was selectively ticklish. Sometimes I would poke him in the side and he’d jump, other times he wouldn’t even notice I touched him. And he swapped between the two randomly.

“Why didn’t you wake me up like two minutes after I fell asleep?”

Jason pursed his lips, trying not to smile. “I thought about it. But you looked so cute—” He pinched my cheek and I was reminded of the fact that he had the personality traits of an eighty-year-old grandmother. “—with your hair all messy and your cheeks all squished that I just couldn’t.” He laughed as I batted his hand away from my face. I poked him again. “No poking!”

“Then don’t tease.”

“I have a right to tease you. Look at my shirt! You drooled all over it.”

I grabbed the hem of it and pulled it up. “Let me throw it in the wash, then.”

I expected him to smack my hand away and shove the shirt back down over his torso, but to my surprise, he helped me take it off. I’d seen him shirtless too many times to bother staring at his remarkably muscular torso. I just climbed out of my bed and went to the small closet out in the hall that held my tiny washer and dryer. I threw his shirt in the washer, dumped a bit of detergent in, and got it started before going back to my room.

“Take that off! You’ll stretch it out!” I snapped.

Jason struggled to get one of my—much smaller—T-shirts from college off. I scoffed and helped him yank it over his head before throwing one my pajama shirts at him. I wore my dad’s old T-shirts to sleep in, so it was even big on Jason. “You could have just asked for a replacement and I’d have handed you this.”

“That’s not as fun as surprising you,” he joked.

I rolled my eyes and perched back on the bed. “Fine. Next week, we rewatch Frankenstein. I won’t fall asleep. But you’re bringing snacks again.”

“Of course.”

“And don’t forget the popcorn.”

“Doofus, if I forgot the popcorn, you wouldn’t let me through the door.”

I snickered. “True enough.”

Jason leaned over to set his popcorn bowl on the bedside table closest to him. “Maybe next week we should try this on the couch. I always feel bad about getting popcorn on your sheets—and then you won’t be so comfortable that you fall asleep.”

I grabbed a pillow and whacked him in the chest. His expression turned affronted.

“Did you just initiate a pillow fight?” he demanded.

“No,” I retorted. “I got payback for you insulting me.” I whacked him again. “That was me initiating a pillow fight.” I started flinging the pillow at him again and again.

“Hey! Not fair!” Jason protested. “I’m unarmed!”

I ignored him and kept up my pillow smacking.

He laughed. “Well, if you’re going to play dirty, I will too.” He reached out as my pillow hit him again and he wrangled it from me. “A-ha! Look at that! Got your ammo. How does it feel, to be attacked by your own pillow?”

Jason started smacking me with it. I squealed and blocked him as best I could with my arms. We were both laughing as I tried to reach around him to the pillow he’d been using to brace his back against my headboard. He grabbed my wrist with one hand and hit me with the pillow using the other. “I don’t think so,” he said. “I’m not going easy on you just because you’re adorable.”

I laughed as he nearly hit me hard enough to knock me off the bed.

So, I switched tactics.

Getting inside his much longer reach was the hard part. Once I managed to duck around his arms and wrench my wrist free, I started tickling him. Tonight was a ticklish night. He squirmed away from me.

Jason yowled—and I hoped my neighbors weren’t home—in laughter. “Stop it—stop tickling!”

I didn’t. I ran my wiggling fingers up his sides and across his neck. He tried to catch my hands, but I was quick enough to evade him.

For a few moments anyway.

“No. No!” His protests didn’t work on me. “Oh you’re as bad as my brothers. Stop it—stop it.” His voice went firm, all traces of laughter gone. With one quick movement, the pillow we’d attacked each other with was discarded on the floor. He grabbed my ankles and pulled me so I was lying flat in the center of the bed.

Jason straddled my waist, trapping my lower legs with his ankles and pinning both my hands above my head on the mattress. He was breathing hard. We both were.

He smiled. “There. Not so feisty now, are you? Hands pinned above your head, lying beneath me all… helpless.” He chuckled and licked his lower lip, his smile turning both playful and wicked. “I could have… any kind of revenge I want.” He bent his elbows, lowering himself over me. My breathing grew shorter and blood roared in my ears. “I can have any…” He paused, eyes flicking from mine to where my necklace charm had fallen down one side and landed on the mattress. His eyes widened, as if he seemed to just barely realize how close we were. “This is…” His elbows straightened, pushing him higher above me. “I’m… sorry.” He started to gently pick his way off of me. “I’m gonna let you go now.”

He released his grip on my wrists. I rolled them and flexed my hands to get some feeling back into them.

He swung his leg to get off me and used it to step off the bed. “I should go,” he said breathlessly. “I’m so sorry. I’ll grab my T-shirt next week.” He strode to the door of my bedroom while I sat on the bed, dumbfounded, jaw hanging open.

As he opened the door, I bounded off the bed.

I caught him before he could reach for his stuff on my couch, grabbing his wrist. “What was that about?” I demanded. He refused to turn and look at me.

“Just… let it go,” he said, shaking his head. He tried to pull his wrist out of my hand, but I grabbed it with my other one to hold him in both.

“No! What the hell is going on with you?”

“Leave it alone,” he growled out.

“I can’t! What happened in there that made you shut down? What did I do wrong?”

He whirled. “It’s nothing to do with you. It’s me!”

“Then tell me what it is!” I shouted.

Jason grabbed me by the shoulders, wrenching out of my grip so hard my fingers ached. He spun me around and pinned me by the shoulders against my front door. A muscle worked in his jaw as he clenched it before fixing me with a crystal blue stare. “It’s just… seeing you beneath me—all flushed pink and panting, your eyes hooded and staring up at me… seeing you like that… I just felt myself fall in love with you!”

If he hadn’t pinned me against the door I probably would have fallen over from shock. My mouth definitely fell open. “Jay… I…” I breathed.

Still holding my shoulders, he spun me around so I was away from the front door and moved to shove his jeans into his backpack.

Before he could, I threw reservation to the wind.

I grabbed his shoulders, forced him to turn and face me, moved my hands to the back of his head, and pulled him down to kiss me.

Our mouths crashed together hard enough to make my front teeth ache, but I didn’t care. My heart leapt into my throat and I almost melted as his arms circled my waist, pulling me closer, so our torsos were pressed against each other. My eyelids closed as I sighed. We were both breathing hard, air from our noses warm against each other’s skin. Holding my waist in both arms, he turned and pinned my back against the door again.

“Oh, God…” Jason breathed against my lips. He kissed me again and I moaned. He reached one hand up and tangled it in my hair. He could palm the back of my skull as though it were a basketball. His fingers were warm against my scalp.

When he pulled his lips away from me, I groaned quietly in complaint.

“We—we should not be doing this,” he whispered, shaking his head. The white streak at the front of his hairline flopped back and forth with the movement. I wanted to reach my fingers up and twist that streak between them. But I didn’t.

“Why not?” I replied, just as breathless.

“We’re friends. This isn’t us.”

“You just said that you just barely fell in love with me.”

“I did. But I’m not willing to ruin the good thing we’ve had going on here for six years.” He panted, shoulders heaving up and down, as he reached up and took my hands away from his face, gently dragging them by the wrists. “You’ve been the best friend I’ve been able to keep longer than a year or two. I can’t… I can’t just… this isn’t about what I want.”

“I’m the one who kissed you,” I pointed out. “What does that say about what I want?”

“It’s not just about wants,” he said. “It’s too dangerous.”

“Us being together is dangerous? To whom?”

“To you.”

“Why would it be dangerous for me?” I pushed.

He let me go and spun away from me. He looked like he wanted to shout and rage—maybe throw something—but he just clenched his fists and panted.

When he finally turned back to face me, he’d calmed down a little. “It’s dangerous… because… I… oh, Bruce is gonna kill me…” he whispered, shaking his head again. “Because I… am… the Red Hood.”

Two big confessions in one night. I felt a little dizzy and remembered to breathe.

“Red Hood. As in… the vigilante. And… the crime boss.”

“Vigilante, yes. Crime boss days are behind me. I was newly-back-from-the-dead and not in a stable mindset when I became a crime boss.” I decided not to ask about that. He huffed and sat on my coffee table, instead of the sofa, rubbing his temples. “And I wasn’t going to tell you about it, by the way. You’re the only normal friend I have right now. But it’s too dangerous for us to be together. If any of the rogues in this city knew I had someone I cared about as much as I care about—as much as I love you… you would not survive to the end of the year.”

I crossed from the front door to the sofa and sat on the sofa cushion closest to him, setting my hand on his knee. “Jay, I… I’m willing to risk it. To be with you. We just need to be careful—”

“I’m not willing to lose you. I would have been terrified before tonight if someone worse than me caught you. Knew you were just a friend. Now, though? Now, I don’t know what I’d do if you were captured, and that scares me even more. I saw you under me in that bedroom and I saw a future that was good—for the first time in the nine years since I was resurrected—but I can’t let that be my future. For your sake.”

I bit down on my tongue to keep from shouting. But I did tighten my grip on his knee hard and snap, “Get over yourself, Todd. You’re not the only one who gets to make this decision.”

“No, but apparently I’m the only one who can see things objectively enough to make the wise decision.”

It was my turn to want to throw something. “Jason. Peter. Todd. I don’t care about the danger. And I know you do. But do you know what it’d do to me, knowing that you love me and I feel the same, but you won’t let me be yours? Do you know what it would do to you? I know what it would do to me. It would eat me up inside day in and day out. I would sit here dying for you, waiting for you to come to your senses and carry me back into that bedroom to stay in there all night. But you never would. And I would just wait. I’d never date anyone else. If I tried, all I’d be doing was wishing they were you.

“You and I are cut from the same cloth. Some people are just born to sacrifice. To give up what they want—what they need—for the sake of other people. It’s the only choice we’re ever given, so it’s the choice we make over and over and over again. Sometimes people will split others into Givers and Takers. Those of us born to sacrifice are a step beyond even Givers. We’re the ones who give up everything for others. I’ve done it with my family my entire life. Everyone else always wanted so strongly that my only option was to give up my own. You’re the same, I see it every time I see you with your brothers.

“Jason, it’s time for us to Take. It’s time to let life give us something. This is the moment to be selfish. To put aside Batman and his zealous crusade for one damn moment and let yourself be happy.” I dug my fingernails into his knee through his sweats. “Be selfish for once, Jason.”

He finally looked up at me, eyes meeting mine. “I can’t,” he said.

I clamped my mouth shut and sighed loudly through them. “Yes, you can. If you’re waiting for my consent, you’ve more than got it. I’m telling you now to give yourself consent to want. To take. Get over this hold out that a double life has on you and—mmph!”

He cut me off by slamming his lips against mine, surging off the coffee table and straddling me on the sofa. I moaned and wrapped my arms around his neck. He pulled me to one side, sitting on the sofa and guiding me to straddle himself. His hands were splayed over my shoulder blades. I twisted his white streak through my fingers. Our breath shuddered in and out of our lungs. I parted my lips slightly and ran the tip of my tongue over the seam of his lips.

They opened immediately and let me in. I sighed out my nose. “Please ruin our friendship,” I breathed into his lips. “This is so much better.”

He snickered out his nose, smiling. “Does your consent to let me want you include me carrying you back into that bedroom and neither of us leaving until dawn?” He nodded toward my room.

My body shivered. Not from cold. Excitement. Electricity.

“Definitely,” I said breathlessly.

His hands slid from my shoulder blades and down to my legs. He held them and stood up. I hooked my ankles around his back, locking my arms’ grip around his neck.

He carried me to my room, kicked the door shut, and laid me gently on the messed-up bedsheets and disarrayed pillows. On all fours above me, my legs around his waist, he kissed me. Gently, at first, but he quickly grew hungry. His hands worked their way under my shirt, callused palms scraping slightly against my skin.

“Still okay with this?” His voice was barely more than a hoarse whisper.

“Oh yeah,” I breathed, unable to even speak loud enough to be heard from inches away.

He smiled. Wicked delight flickering on his face. “Well, get ready for me to call you mine. Because I am all yours.”

I smiled. “I’m yours, Jason.”

[madroxed]

the order (season two) thoughts.

so chotoranii asked me for my thoughts on the order season two. of which there are many. posting them here rather than in a reply so tumblr doesn’t fuck up the ‘keep reading’ break. 

SO MANY SPOILERS AHEAD, OBVIOUSLY.

OK FOLKS, LET’S DO THIS. SORRY ABOUT THE WORD COUNT.

the good, the bad, and the incomprehensible.

ok SO. overall i thought this season was so much better than season one, especially in terms of production and acting.

i should start by saying, the biggest twist of this season? ME LIKING JACK AS A BLOND. i’ve been dragging that hair for months and i end up digging it? i’m so mad at myself.

ANYWAY the first three episodes? flawless! beautiful! amazing! they honestly took everything i could have listed as wanting and put it onscreen. jack trying out for cheer squad and having to stay on cheer squad to keep up the act? them finding each other almost immediately? the jokes about orgies? jack taking the knights seriously and holding on to his anger over the memory wipe? lilith and nicole? nicole in general? RANDALL AND HAMISH FAKE DATING (however briefly, seriously, i will be writing fic where they have to keep that up because i am betrayed that it was never brought up again and if you think i didn’t throw my laptop across the bed so i could run around screaming you’d be wrong)? A MAGIC HEIST?

honestly, all perfect.

............then the season started to go downhill. don’t get me wrong, there were still some excellent parts, but they were hindered by two things:

the plot jumping about too much to be comprehensible.

the fact that we the viewers are supposed to believe that randall carpio and hamish duke would not tear the world apart for lilith bathory immediately. 

the first is forgivable; the first season’s plot was a simple enough device that meant it dragged a little at times. this season they seemed to not want to fall into that trap again, but in doing so threw something so big in that they needed far too much exposition because they didn’t have enough time to show it (a trait they fell into in a lot of ways, we’ll get back to that). SHOW, DON’T TELL, FOLKS. that being said, i really liked salvadore as a character, and the idea of a group of people striving to make magic accessible to all was a cool moral quandary plot. 

the second is unforgivable to me, and led to the majority of my issues with the season. i understand the knights becoming members of the order (cool concept), i understand them struggling with conflicting loyalties because of it, but what i don’t understand is the fact that randall spent the majority of the season saying “let’s get lilith back!” only to back down at the first push back, and hamish was the push back. because......the order had other problems. IN WHAT UNIVERSE DO THE KNIGHTS OF SAINT CHRISTOPHER NOT PUT EACH OTHER FIRST AND SAY FUCK EVERYONE ELSE? 

(jack i understand, if only because we saw so much of it last season. his loyalties are kinda flaky. i do understand his loyalty to vera; not only did she play a huge part in taking down edward last season, but the mind link thing and learning all her pain would have stuck with him. he loves a cause, that boy. also hey ho! jack was so much more likeable this season! we love to see it.)

also i just really missed lilith.

(thank fuck for nicole never giving up.)

the amount of callbacks to season one were fantastic. they didn’t just move on and leave it be, they referenced basically everyone, and seeing professor clarke and kyle again was a nice touch just to tie things together. there also being discussions about jack’s pete related trauma was great and necessary. 

ok, so alyssa. i take back my post about how great it would be for her to be the villain. this was so much better. her trauma in the wake of both season one and then accidentally killing someone leading to her feeling so conflicted and lost and alone? her magic malfunctioning when it’s all she feels she has? we’ve always known she was ambitious, but to see her face straight on the idea that she may be left completely powerless and no one really listening or trying to help her except a hive mind that’s also hurting her? o u c h. 

we saw this season that the real problem with the order is its motto of ‘hurry up and wait’. ‘we’ll save lilith.....just do all these other things first!’ ‘we’ll get alyssa’s magic back......there’s just more important things right now!’ it’s all so easy to see how that could frustrate someone so much they can’t take it anymore. 

i’m so pleased i loved alyssa so much this season. i desperately wanted to and i’m glad they gave me that. i just felt so much for her. she just wanted to not feel so alone and so helpless and so scared that she was going to pick the wrong side again. it was beautiful.

this also meant alyssa/jack was better this season. having got the insta-love out the way last season (ugh), this season they were able to actually look at how that would play out if you took ramifications into consideration. all the problems i had with them last season were vocalised onscreen, and this new unstable thing left in its place was far more appealing to watch. they were messy and bad for each other and they knew it, but that didn’t stop them loving each other. 

also: “if we get out of this, can i take you to the mall? because i really hate your jean jacket. and your hair.” 

in regards to the other relationships: 

lilith and nicole were adorable for the limited amount of time we got them onscreen. the slow crush to nervous dating was beautiful, and seeing lilith struggle with what getting her memories back meant in regards to that was great. we all know i thought the lilith/randall of last season was rushed, so having lilith torn over hurting one of the most important people in her life and following these feelings for someone new was lovely. IF WE GET A SEASON THREE I BETTER GET SO MUCH MORE OF THEM.

here’s the thing, putting aside lilith/nicole for a moment: the order can’t write good relationships (*with one major caveat).

hear me out. 

in season one it was insta-love. jack and alyssa meet and suddenly defending alyssa is the only thing that matters to jack. it....wasn’t good. randall and lilith were thrown together with very little build up and we were supposed to roll with it.

this season we had both hamish/vera and randall/gabrielle. i would like to say that theoretically i am here for both of these. but.

hamish/vera occurred off screen. oh, sure, we had a couple scenes of them staring at each other over drinks, but that was all we got until late into the season. we were told that hamish and vera were a thing by randall when he was winding hamish up. we didn’t see it for ourselves. again, this show’s habit of telling not showing is a problem. 

hamish and vera could make sense. two leaders of opposing factions having sort of hate, begrudging respect sex? i see it. from there, you can show us how it would become something more.

the show doesn’t. 

we’re told they’re together. we’re told hamish is forsaking his knightly duties in favour of vera. we’re told by hamish that he’s drunk the order koolaid, 

and all of this is supposed to culminate in us believing that hamish duke - tundra, leader of the knights of saint christopher, the most cunning of the wolves - would push aside everything else because he just believes that much in vera stone? to the point that he would all but abandon lilith and degrade his relationship with randall to randall being the annoying sidekick? 

i woke up at two a.m. to write a note on my phone that says: ‘the greatest tragedy of the order season two is hamish duke’s character assassination.’ and i stand by that. 

besides lilith’s absence for almost the whole season, it’s the thing i’m most mad about. i love hamish so much and to one-dimensionalise him in favour of a ship is...............shoddy work honestly.

so like i said. HAMISH/VERA COULD HAVE BEEN GOOD, BUT FOR FUCKSAKE SHOW, YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY DEVELOP THIS SHIT.

randall/gabrielle was better developed. by which i mean we actually saw them interacting on screen. we got to see them begrudgingly working together, we saw him learn more about her, we heard them talk about her need to fit in somewhere. when they made the joke about being bffs? good stuff. would i like them to slowburn this shit? yes please. have them become best friends and then have those feelings be something else. i would really like that. the show just needs to.......slow down. not immediately see a single character and need to throw them into a relationship with the nearest person.

gabrielle was great this season. by which i mean, she was gabrielle, and we love some consistent characterisation. i think it’s so true to everything we know about her that she’d want to inject herself into the knights’ world; she wants to be part of the in-crowd, and right now that’s them. she’s also supremely jealous of alyssa because, to her, it seemed like alyssa had the best of both worlds. so, yes, her wanting to be around the knights and that developing into her begrudgingly liking them makes a lot of sense to me.

so, my caveat.

the relationship the order knows how to write? the knights. hamish, randall, lilith, and jack. that dynamic saved season one from being a total mess. that dynamic thrived in the early episodes of this season. IT’S JUST THAT GOOD. i said once that if the order just became greek (2007) but with werewolves i’d be happy, and the first three episodes really gave me that. 

THE KNIGHTS ARE EACH OTHER’S SOULMATES, ASK ME HOW.

is this an excuse for me to complain that they gave us a hint of hamish/randall and then cruelly snatched it away and i’m still mad about it? YOU BETCHA.

is this also my way of saying there wasn’t nearly enough jack/randall this season? YOU BETCHA.

removing lilith from the equation (I’M STILL SO MAD) and then having hamish pull away from randall because..........who the fuck knows, was just a recipe for disaster.

clearly lilith is the glue that holds these idiots together.

so, vera. katherine isabelle still just steals every scene she’s in. i love her. i love vera’s characterisation. i love that she’s shamelessly ambitious but also wants the order to succeed and the world not to end. i love that she can be cold and cruel and still have such soft spots for both jack and alyssa. i love that she can be vulnerable and angry about it. i just........think vera’s pretty fucking great, tbh.

i still don’t understand why the knights - after their infiltration revenge plans go tits up - decide to just go full on order. like??????? hamish and jack barely even questioning anything???? randall must have spent most of this season feeling so alone.

that being said, when jack said to nicole and randall that he knew what they needed to get lilith back and the conversation pretty much went:

jack: you’re okay betraying the order?

nicole: for lilith, anything.

randall: i’d literally betray the order for a cookie, haven’t you been listening?

we love to see it.

OH, HEY GUYS, REMEMBER WHEN IAN ZIERING AND JASON PRIESTLEY WERE MEMBERS OF THE ORDER AND JASON PRIESTLEY BECAME GRAND MAGUS FOR A HOT SECOND???? that was written solely for me. i do not know who this show thinks its audience is, but it understands me to my core.

so...............i have zero clue where the show intends to go from here. i just need alyssa to be ok and i hope - like his friend randall - jack is willing to kill whoever the hell he has to to make that happen. (we stan randall straight up murdering someone to get lilith back and making sure nicole remains innocent and safe tbh.) 

SO TL;DR: the early episodes gave me life. the show declined from there, but i still enjoyed it a lot. the order is at its best when the knights are a team, i loved alyssa’s story this season, and i have no clue what to expect from next season (if we get one). werewolf alyssa? villain jack, perhaps? we’ll see! 

THIS POST PROBABLY SEEMS TOO NEGATIVE BUT HI! I STILL LOVED THIS SEASON A LOT AND I LOVE MY KIDS WITH MY WHOLE HEART AND IF YOU READ ALL A MILLION WORDS OF THIS THEN I LOVE YOU TOO.

also if anyone has any hamish/randall prompts i’ll be hanging out over here crying into my hands for the next few weeks. FAKE DATING. how dare they?!

[angst-fairygodmother]

@ficsandcatsandficsandcats since this is a part 2 of your request I’m tagging you in it. I give up on trying to reblog it onto its original post; this blue hellsite wins. A/N: “*Cries in Douche Prince*” you say? Well, part two is more prince than douche I think, but we all know Valdo is a soft, goopy marshmallow deep, deeeeeeep down. Word Count: 1770

“We could egg the place?” Valdo suggested as he buttered a slice of toast.

“That would make it my problem too,” you rolled your eyes, pouring yourself a cup of tea.

“We could egg her car?” He reached around you to grab the milk, shoulder bumping yours jokingly.

“She doesn’t have a car. She takes the bus or carpools everywhere. Or gets me to drive.”

“I’ll hide in the bushes and egg her on her way to her next date with this guy.” He gestured at you with a jam-covered spoon as he spoke, grinning like it was the best idea he’d ever had.

“Why do you want to egg someone or something so badly?” you laughed.

“I don’t know. You see it in the movies and it just seems like the thing to do. I’ve always wanted to egg something in revenge. She doesn’t deserve something with effort to get back at her.”

You found yourself glancing up at the ceiling as if asking the universe what you had done to get saddled with such an idiot for a best friend, or worse to be cursed into falling in love with him.

“Fine, no eggs. What’s your idea then?”

“Suffer through the next seven months,” you said scrunching your face in annoyance. “Hope she breaks up with the guy or is willing to be the one to break lease to get away from me.”

“There’s no arguing you out of that is there?” He sighed, sagging against the counter as you shook your head stubbornly. “You deserve better you know.”

“She’s my friend. Things are just weird lately, it’s not…it doesn’t really…she doesn’t mean it.” You cringed at how much your tone sounded like you were trying to convince him, or yourself and even more at the knowing quirk of his eyebrow.

“Let me drive you to work?” he offered, pointedly changing the subject.

You smiled at him. “That’d be great.”

~

You stepped off the bus, feeling better about everything now that you had some distance and walked down the block toward your building. A pile of boxes on the porch made your heart lurch. Deciding to ignore them until you’d had a chance to talk with Karla (and not wanting to pry in case they weren’t your things), you tensed your shoulders and walked past.

When you reached the third floor, you frowned at your door. Something seemed off but you couldn’t quite pinpoint it, until you tried your key and found that it would not fit in the doorknob.

Your fist pounded on the cheerful blue polymer, fuming while you waited. When Karla opened the door, she took one look at your face and stepped out into the hall, arms crossed over her chest defensively.

“What the hell?” you snapped.

“I had the super change the locks,” she said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I got that. Why?”

“This living arrangement isn’t working. And you have like, a higher paying job or whatever so you can find a new place easier than I can. I told you last night that I was going to do it. I figured since you didn’t come back you didn’t care.”

“You can’t just kick me out of our shared apartment and have the locks changed while I’m at work!”

“Well I did. I’ll talk to the leasing company, totally take the blame, if you just…go.”

“You’re being completely unreasonable,” you sighed, all of the anger leaving you in a rush. “Look if you really don’t want to live together we can work something out but can you please let me back in until then?”

“Nope. The boxes downstairs are your clothing and stuff that you probably need sooner than later, and I mean if you want to come by with movers or whatever to get the rest of your stuff that’s cool, just let me know when.”

“Karla, come on.”

She shrugged again. “Sorry, Y/N.”

~

You thought the day could not leave you more shocked, until Valdo came walking around the corner.

“So that’s taking a bus huh?” he asked, shoving his sunglasses back up so they vanished into his messy curls. “Novel.”

“Who are you and what have done with Valdo Marx?” you teased as you carried over the first of your boxes to place in the trunk of your sedan.

“Don’t worry, I hated it and will not be doing that ever again,” he joked back, grabbing a second.

His smile dropped as he saw your lip wobble in barely-contained emotion. Quickly he wrapped you in a hug.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

You scoffed. “I just got kicked out of my apartment and will probably be sleeping in my car until I can find a new one. It doesn’t exactly feel like that right now.”

“Don’t be silly, Y/N. Just move in with me.” He waved it off like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What?”

“It’s not perfect, I know, but it’s a sight better than being technically homeless.”

“You’re serious?” you stared at him incredulously.

He shrugged. “Yeah, why not. We’ll have to work out a schedule for who gets the bed and who gets the couch, but there are worse arrangements. It’ll be one big sleepover.” He grinned at you as he hefted another box.

“We’re not working out a couch sleeping schedule,” you said, stuffing the last box in and slamming your trunk shut.

“Fine, fine. I shall be a gentleman and let you have the bed.”

“I’m not kicking you out of bed either.” He smirked and waggled his eyebrows at you suggestively and you blushed at your accidental innuendo.

“Guest sleep on couches,” you explained. “This situation is why the term couch-surfing was invented.”

“We’ll fight it out later,” he said, slinging an arm around your shoulder. “It can be our first big roomie argument, which you definitely won’t win. For now, let’s get food.”

“Pizza?” you offered.

“Sounds good. You’re buying.”

You stuck your tongue out and shoved him teasingly. “Jerk.”

~

You felt yourself drifting off as you leaned against Valdo and he belted out all six parts of “Cell Block Tango” (or tried to anyway). You jerked back awake, again, and then heard the sound of a remote clacking onto the coffee table and silence fell over the room.

“Oh, I’m sorry Y/N, am I boring you?” he pouted.

You tried to assure him that of course not but the words blended into a huge yawn.

“I’m sorry Valdo, I know we said marathon and this is only the second movie but…”

“It’s been a long day? You’re a lightweight after two glasses of wine?” he rested his cheek on his fist on his folded knee. “You find me terribly dull?”

You stuck your tongue out at him impishly, mind sleep-fogged enough that you couldn’t formulate an appropriately cutting response, and fought back another yawn.

He chuckled and shook his head ruefully. “Alright, to bed with you. We’ll resume right here in the morning.”

“If I’m going to sleep, you need to leave. Your bony ass is currently occupying half my bed.”

“Excuse me! I am sitting right where I’ll be sleeping and you are going up the hall to the proper one. And I am not bony! It’s called lithe.”

You scowled at him. And then your exhausted mind came up with an idea and you blurted it out before you could think it through.

“You have basically the biggest mattress in existence. There is no reason we can’t sleep together.”

“Watch those words angel,” he said, voice low but with surprising softness. “A less chivalrous man might take them the wrong way.”

“Or the right one,” you muttered, flushing and immediately grateful that he had (at least seemingly) not heard as he busied himself cleaning up from your movie night.

~

After a few minutes of awkward shuffling and blanket sharing negotiation, the pair of you finally settled into the bed together. You found yourself staring at his peacefully resting face in the darkness and had the overwhelming urge to reach out, to bury your fingers in his curls and kiss him and be held by him.

“Valdo?” you whispered, not wanting to wake him but equally unable to contain the feeling.

“Yes, Y/N?” he cracked an eye open with a raised eyebrow to look at you.

You took a deep breath. “Will…will you kiss me?”

You could have cut the silence that fell between you, suffocating and foreboding. Just when you were beginning to think you couldn’t take it anymore, he sighed.

“Y/N, you have no idea how much I want to say yes right now. But,” he reached out to stop you gently when you shifted closer, “it’s been a long day, and you’ve been through a lot and are emotionally vulnerable and I won’t…I can’t,” his voice broke on the word, “when I’m not absolutely sure, for both our sakes, that it’s not just a balm to soothe that ache.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes as you stared at him, choking up at the gentle passion in his tone as he continued.

“And more than that, I have been drinking and you have had a few glasses and I can hardly think straight with you so close to me and you have always said that we shouldn’t do anything important impaired.”

“It figures,” you interrupted, sighing in mostly mock frustration. “You finally start listening to me at the most inopportune moment.”

“If you ask me that again tomorrow…” he did not want to admit how easily he would surrender to your every request.

“Will you at least hold me then? Please?”

He smiled and pulled you in, tangling around you as if you were built to fit together. The embrace was full of promise for long discussions and change and tenderness. You smiled softly as you buried your face in the hollow of his throat, falling asleep surrounded by his familiar smell and the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.

If in the morning, you woke up alone and walked out to find him folded awkwardly under a single thin blanket on the couch, in front of an email to an old friend in Transit Authority which contained a promise of an elaborate steak dinner in return for revocation and banning of your ex-roommate’s bus pass, it was a sight so oddly enduring that you would treasure forever. And if he secretly noticed you press ‘send’ before moving to the kitchen to prepare a pancake wake-up call and it warmed his heart, he would certainly never tell.

[blehbleehhhh]

Isis and Osiris 💕🦂(ft. EreMika)

Another lovely reader suggested I do a piece involving mythology of some kind! I've always been really into Egyptian Mythology (Ancient Egypt anything though so so fascinating) Anyway, I was super quick to decide on these two. What I did was write my interpretation of The Osiris Myth with their names in it instead. A few facts that are necessary to know before you continue: the original gods of ancient Egypt were Osiris, Isis, Set, Horus, and Nephthys. The myth is basically Set tricks Osiris to his demise, Isis revives Osiris, etc. ancient.eu is a great website, I recommend if you're interested in learning more! Greek Mythology is amazing too, don't get me wrong, just, idk, enjoy the story. Keep requesting and thank you for the lovely comments💕

ps: I LOVE Jean, lol, so this was hard! But he and Eren always fucking fight so.

pps: dedicated to anyone who catches the Supernatural references ;)

Cast:

Eren - Osiris

Mikasa - Isis

Jean - Set

Hitch - Nephthys

"All seems to be going well." Mikasa smiles as she comes up behind her loving husband while he sits in a chair on the balcony overlooking their flourishing kingdom. The sun is low as it rests on the horizon and reflects its dazzling rays across the mighty Nile River. Egyptian citizens stand in the shallows with pails gathering fresh, clean water for drinking and cooking. "Humanity has a perfect, stable climate to thrive in and resources are always bountiful." She slowly moves her hand down the front of his exposed muscular chest that's still deliciously lean. As gods they have their duties and obligations, all of which lie with maintaining that perfect climate and the plentifulness of resources. Everything has been a paradise since the power couple were crowned as King and Queen of Egypt because they take their roles so seriously. It's undeniably their purpose.

"We must maintain this, my queen," Eren relaxes back in his seat from her touch and sighs with content. "They're counting on us to watch over and keep them safe."

"And we will." She assures as gracefully walks around the chair to sit in her husband's lap and rests her cheek on his shoulder. He wraps an arm around her back and reaches up to carefully play with her soft black hair. "Nothing is more important than maintaining this order so there remains no injustices and everyone stays equal."

"That is why we rule together," He chuckles softly into her hair and kisses the top of her head. "We have the same goals when it comes to caring for our people."

"Must we go to that party this evening? I think I'd rather stay here.." Her finger traces small patterns on his chest and he smiles, amused at the way she's speaking so innocently.

"Unfortunately, yes. Jean mentioned he had something important to show me, though I would much rather be in bed with you. Maybe we can leave right afterwards and return to messy up the clean sheets?"

"I would love that." Mikasa lifts her head to look into dazzling emeralds and places her hand on his cheek, then bumps their foreheads together gently.

"Oh, how I love you."

"And I you.." She smiles and presses her lips to his to share a deep, loving smooch that's slow and tender. Tongues collide between kisses as her fingers slide up into his hair and he rests his arm over her legs, allowing his hand to slowly wander on soft skin not covered with the skirt of her dress. Words cannot describe how much the couple crave each other, they've never been able to keep their hands to themselves when they're together, but there's quite a time constraint because of the large dinner party they have invitations to this evening. It's not as if they don't have practice stowing their sexual tension on the back burner to make something more important their first priority, whatever that may be. In this case it's a celebration being thrown by Jean, who wouldn't normally bother to invite the one guy he despises more than anything. But the envy in his heart is real and it's all because of his brother's undeniable success - humanity is thriving under Eren's powerful rule as a just, generous, and giving god of life, so the decision to take him out was an easy one. Especially after his wife later became pregnant with a baby that wasn't of his seed, though he still isn't aware that Eren had been tricked into this with a cruel spell that made her appear to be Mikasa. It wouldn't matter if he did know anyhow since his brother is dead to him now and all he wants is revenge.

Perhaps that's why Jean went to all the trouble of having a coffin constructed with his brother's exact height. He plans to do the unthinkable and kill his own flesh and blood because if anyone is going to be Lord of Life, it's going to be him, certainly not Eren. "And so anyone who can fit in this beautiful coffin shall receive it free as a gift." Jean gestures to the box made from stone, the thin gold sheets that were beautifully pressed into it reflect the glimmer from candlelight. The necessary symbols have already been painted on its entirety so his brother's soul has the directions it needs to navigate the afterlife. Many party guests lined up to participate including the one this coffin is intended for and his wife, who cuddles into him drunkenly while he keeps a protective arm around her shoulders. She smiles and rests her cheek on his bicep while he speaks with other attendees, both of them blissfully unaware of the events that are soon to take place. And just as anticipated, Mikasa very quickly became the one most horrified when the coffin's lid was slammed shut and fastened so tightly, that its a guarantee his victim won't be able to escape.

"Jean! What in the name of all creation are you doing?!" Mikasa cries as she grabs onto him desperately and uses all of her strength to throw him off, hoping that if the coffin was dropped that perhaps it would crack open. "Have you lost your mind?! That's my husband! Release him immediately!" But a few of Jean's friends were waiting on the sidelines for his cue to restrain her, something that wasn't an easy task by any means because she insists on throwing herself around, kicking, screaming, and crying hysterically. It was necessary for him to get the coffin outside, however, and she did manage to get away long enough to reach the outside of the palace. She watches with blurry eyes, screaming for her husband as the coffin is cruelly tossed into The Nile River to be carried out to sea, where it was eventually lodged in a mighty tamarisk tree in Bybalos that grew to consume it rather quickly.

The King and Queen of Bybalos walk together along the beach shoreline. They were drawn here during their daily stroll by a sweet scent emanating from the tamarisk tree and ordered it to be cut down and made into a ornamental pillar for the palace. Unbeknownst to the royal family, a goddess mourns terribly over her husband's death and, after following the river, she has found her way to Bybalos. She's already in a new form in order to disguise her true identity - an elderly woman who wails in grief over her missing love. His body is somewhere nearby, she can feel it, and her heart calls to him whether he's alive or not. Little did she know, there were a few young women standing nearby watching her with sad eyes. "Excuse me, madam?" One says sweetly, and Mikasa immediately turns to see the two of them wearing looks of true concern. They are clearly handmaidens from their attire. "Are you alright?"

"Have you a home to live in?" The other asks.

"Oh, I-I don't want to be a burden.."

"Nonsense! We insist!" And so The Queen of the Throne, disguised as a normal, elderly woman, was kindly taken in by the King and Queen of Bybalos. She was asked to be the nursemaid for their three young boys who had really taken a liking to her, a task that she rather enjoyed and took very seriously. Mikasa favored the youngest son in particular, though, and decided that she would make him immortal through a bath of holy fire. But the lady of the house caught such a terrifying act right before the ceremony could proceed and she was understandably horrified.

"What are you doing with my baby boy?!"

"Please, this is not as it seems." She says calmly as she transforms into her normal form, a sight so beautiful and mighty to behold that they were afraid for their lives. "I am the goddess, Mikasa, and I truly mean you no harm."

"W-well, what is it you want?"

"I only want my husband. The tree you made your beautiful ornamental pillar from was the one he died in and his body is still trapped."

"Oh, dear!" The Queen says, stepping back from the doorway leading out into the parlor where the pillar is displayed. "Please, help yourself. Our condolences for King Eren's passing.."

"Thank you. You're all very kind." Mikasa gently touched her palm to the foreheads of each family member and cured them of all ailments to show her gratitude, one of them had been stuck in bed for years with crippling pain that is now gone. She doesn't even do it for the praise, it's never been about that for her and Eren. In fact, that's why they were paired together by their creator, because he knew this power couple will put the needs of humanity before their own. But just this one time, Mikasa chooses to be selfish and shuts herself out from that world to focus on carrying her husband's lifeless body back to Egypt. She assumes her half falcon form and carries them both through the air as tears stream down her face. "No, no, no, no..." Not him, not my Eren. She says to herself and swallows hard as she looks down at his face, paler than before with slightly blue lips from suffocating. "I can't go on without you.." Mikasa whispers to him, and her voice quivers as she lands gracefully in the fertile Nile River Delta with him in her arms. Her wings slowly fade as she carefully sits with him on the ground, his upper half resting in her lap. She kisses his forehead and wraps her arms around his shoulders, sobbing and wailing in agony like she has been torn in half. It hurts deeply to see him lifeless. "You were alive an hour ago! This can't be!"

"Mikasa?" Hitch calls from behind her. "Is that Eren?! What on Earth happened?!" She approaches slowly and crouches down beside her sister with a look of horror.

"Jean happened. I must revive my husband so, if you'll excuse me, I have herbs to gather."

"Of course, anything you need. I'll stay here with his body and make sure nothing happens."

"Thank you." It was strange how Mikasa can look at her with teary eyes but such a cold expression. Though she and Eren have always been inseparable, so it shouldn't be that much of a surprise that she's so heartbroken. They were supposed to be together until the end of time, and perhaps this can still happen if she is able to gather the herbs she needs for a spell that will bring him back to her. I can't live without him by my side. She thinks as she searches desperately for supplies, tears rolling down her cheeks and falling to the ground, creating little flower buds that sprout from the ready Earth below.

Meanwhile, Jean had gotten wind of his brother's return and Mikasa's intentions, so he went out to search for them. He came across his wife Hitch, who was pacing impatiently along The Nile's coastline clearly feeling bothered by something. And he's pretty sure that he knows what it is. "Thinking about how you cheated on me?" Jean asks plainly. A simple question and yet she found herself unable to speak. "So, where's his body?" He studies her eyes and takes note of the hesitation that makes her avert his probing gaze.

"Where's whose body?" Hitch cracks her knuckles anxiously and looks down at the ground, only for him to gently grab her chin and force her to look into his eyes.

"Don't. I know you know where Eren's body is, so where is it?"

"I-"

"Where is his body, Hitch?"

"Jean.." Her eyes fill up with tears. Perhaps if she apologizes, this will all be over. "I'm -"

"I love you and I don’t want to hurt you, but I will if I need to. So I'll ask you one last time, where did you and Mikasa hide that dirt bag's body?" Jean repeats much louder than before but just as emotionless. She eventually caves in and guides him to the hiding spot, not at all anticipating what her vengeful husband proceeded to do next. The body was hacked into multiple pieces then scattered throughout the land and dumped into The Nile River. Jean simply walks away without even looking at her because he finds that he doesn't care what she thinks anymore. Why put in the effort if there clearly isn't anything there? Mikasa strolls by carrying a basket full of herbs intended to bring her husband back to life and was angered to see his murderer. When she realized that he was covered in blood but his own body was absent of any wounds, it's understandable why she feared the worst. Much to her rel͏i͏e͏f, Hitch is very much alive and in one piece, but that also means something horrific has happened to Eren's body to make her sister look like that - shaking, paler than a ghost, and weeping after she's already cried a great deal.

"You were supposed to protect him!"

"He just..I-I didn't think that he would..."

"We must hurry and find every part of Eren's body!" Mikasa cries as she sets the basket of herbs on the ground. The twin sisters sprout their wings and take off in a frantic search for all of his body parts. Unfortunately, the way that the power couple had originally intended to conceive will now be impossible once Eren is revived, because all but one body part was successfully recovered. They return to the fertile Nile River marshes where his body is sewn back together and buried in the wetland up to his chin. Mikasa creates her concoction and with help from her sister, they performed the powerful spell, sending visible waves of energy brighter than the full moon into his body. The raven's tears fall to the Earth and he takes a sharp inhale before he sits up to cough aggressively, the marshland falling from his body. "Oh! Eren! My love!" She sobs into her hand as she watches him turn and meet her eyes, emerald green orbs so bright and lively that they took her breath away.

"Mikasa!" Eren says with genuine shock to his voice and opens his arms for her to embrace him tightly. He looks over her shoulder at Hitch with tears in his eyes and wraps his arms tightly around Mikasa's waist. "What the hell happened?"

"We revived you!" She sits back and gazes into his eyes, smiling and chuckling softly in disbelief. "I-I didn't think it would take because you were hacked to pieces, but here you are..."

"But my body, I feel it is not complete?"

"I'm afraid it's not, I'm so sorry, I couldn't find your -"

"Our creator..." Eren cuts her off, looking down at his body to see the sutures. "I met him. He said that our future son will be strong enough to defeat Jean and restore order to the chaos he has caused."

"But without your..." Mikasa sighs and wipes tears from her eyes, wracking her mind for some sort of a solution that could bring her husband peace. It is her duty as his wife, after all.

"The ritual...flying form," Hitch suggests as she places her hand on Mikasa's shoulder. "Perhaps it'll work?" She offers a small smile to her sister and watches her stand to sprout her beautiful, colorful wings once more. Soaring through the sky in rapid circles over his body, the seed is drawn out and brought into her own so she could become pregnant with their first and only child. With the power of the gods, a baby boy was now growing rapidly inside of Mikasa as she kneels beside her husband, trying desperately not to burst into tears because he is insisting that he has work to do in the afterlife.

"Our little boy will grow to be a warrior with or without me because he has you. You're just as fierce as I am. More so, even."

"Let's get you back to the palace, love, I'll take care of you.." Mikasa repeats for a second time as tears fall down her cheeks.

"We will be together again," Eren says calmly and carefully cradles her cheek in his hand. "Death won't keep us apart forever, then we will have all of eternity to spend together." He gives her a reassuring smile and reaches up to gently push her hair back as she leans in and presses her lips to his. Although she was most certainly reluctant to let him go, Mikasa knows that this is something he must do. And if their creator has instructed him to be leader of the afterlife, to be the judge and the jury of every soul that will come his way, then who is she to tell him otherwise? It was only a single day after Eren descended down to take on his new role that their little boy was born. But Mikasa feared for his safety around Jean because he's half of the man he hates the most, so she hid with him in The Nile River Marshes. She took care of her son, a son of two powerful gods,  during the short time required for a youngster to become full grown.

The day that their son left his mother spelled the end for Jean, who had already become somewhat of a tyrant. It's understandable how he gained control so quickly, since the boy's powerful parents have been more than preoccupied lately with their own issues - ones that made it difficult to put their loyal, loving subjects first for once. This young man is powerful, very powerful, and his uncle doesn't stand a chance against him. He gets the ultimate revenge for his father's murder and kills Jean, though it seemed pointless because he knows that won't bring his old man back. But it truly didn't matter, because now his mother Mikasa, the great Queen of the Throne and mother to all pharaohs is back in power once more. They rule together as mother and son, and everything returns to the way things were when her husband was alive - no crimes of any kind, plentiful resources, plenty of jobs and money. It's a paradise.

Meanwhile, in the afterlife, Eren sits on his throne and listens to pleas for mercy from a poor soul whose heart felt so guilty, that the feather went up in record timing. The pleas don't matter, not with the efficiency that comes from weighing guilt. He was crowned as The Lord of The Underworld and now sports green skin to symbolize the mighty Nile River and the fertility of its mud. The afterlife is running smoothly under Eren's control and when his beautiful wife Mikasa takes her throne beside him after her time is up, they will be together again.

Until the end of time.

[displacedleylines]

Maybe

(Drafted this over a month ago but just now finished it. WHUPS.  Writing drabble for my WoW toon Cameron. He doesn’t have his own blog, so this is going here.)    The deeper tunnels of the Stormwind Stockades with its musty and stale air was where you went when you were to be forgotten. Most of these cells were empty; or, one could argue that there was so little hope left in anyone who was stuck here, that all the cells were empty. The torches survived the stagnant halls only because a clever or perhaps lazy guard years ago, thought to have the flames enchanted to stay burning. That way, no one would never have to look to see if any needed relighting. Occasionally, yes, a guard or two would patrol these halls. Usually, if they were avoiding some other duty, wanted some peace and quiet, or actually remembered that there were people back there who needed to eat. Sometimes, though it happened not as often these days, the smell of death would linger in the halls, wafting into the cells of those who had the misfortune of still being alive.  Thankfully, this was not one of those days, and the air smelled instead of dust with a dampness that lingered in your chest with every breath.     Cameron knew every corridor by heart. He had to. Working for the city like he did, understanding every passage, every nook, every hidden secret was part of being an agent. This, plus the ability to stealth past most people was significant not only in helping to keep the city safe but to sneak into places where he didn't belong. However, if caught, Cameron could easily argue that as an SI:7 Agent, he had every right to occasionally patrol the Stockades without needing to announce himself beforehand. Though thus far, he never needed to use that excuse, nor did he ever plan on needing it.  In fact, he was so confident now about never being caught back there, that the moment he moved past the area of the Stockades that held the rowdiest, most well-known prisoners, he would come out of stealth and saunter down the corridor as if walking into his own home.  What did it matter if one of the forgotten prisoners saw him? Who were they going to tell? Even if they pulled aside any guard that walked by, Cameron would either be long gone. That of course, was also assuming any guard that was told would actually care enough to question it.    "One of these days..." He would think to himself at the same right hand turn every visit, "I'm going to find the key that works on these cells, and I'm just going to let everyone out."  Cameron wasn't terrible at picking locks, he was quite good at it, just like most other rogues, but no matter what he did, no matter how many times he tried he couldn't get any of these cells open.  A mystery he wanted to solve, but not one he could easily ask for help with.

Eventually, his routine future promise to no one but himself was once more broken upon reaching his destination. There was nothing different about this cell's appearance, it looked like every other cell in the block. Stubborn bars that were wide enough for an arm to squeeze through lit only by a couple of torches on the wall across from the cell door.  This was when Cameron would pull back the blue leather hood with the attached golden, bird-like mask to reveal his messy brown hair and young, freckled face.  This undramatic reveal was always how he announced himself, even though it couldn't possibly be anyone else.       "Is  it Tuesday already?" The words fell out of his father's mouth with a deep, slow drawl. "Could've sworn you were just here. Guess time is just gettin' all muddled now." His father scooted closer to the bars, too tired to stand today.  Cameron kneeled and grasped the bars, giving them a ritualistic tug in hopes they'd rusted through.    "Nah. It hasn't been a week. I managed to sneak in a bonus visit this week."    "It ain't Winter's veil already is it?" His Dad joked with a deep laugh.    "Pffft. No. It's just my birthday. And I decided that what I wanted was to see you both."    "Happy birthday, baby bird. Our gift to you is that you didn't find us dead." His mother called out from the back of the cell. Tired, dirty. Her left shoulder was pressed against the wall as her head used the masonry as a pillow, staring out ahead as if somehow the other wall would provide a miracle despite all hope having been long lost.    "You wastin' a birthday in here?" His Dad snorted. "Don't you got friends to go an have fun with?" Cameron didn't answer, he simply pursed his lips together in annoyance before changing the subject.    "They still have me mostly working the graveyard shift, digging holes. I'm starting to think that's all I'm good for." His Dad scoffed and reached through what little space the bars offered to place a tired hand on Cameron's uninjured left cheek. Despite the callused thumb that brushed more dirt on Cameron's face than it took off, the gesture was soft, kind, gentle.    "We seem to have doomed you to digging holes. And we weren't even farmers! Though I guess if bein' an Agent doesn't work, it's a good skill for real cemetery work." Chhk. Chhk. Chhk.  It didn't matter where he dug, dirt always sounded the same.  Chhk. Chhk. Chhk. The sound echoed in Cameron's memories as he stared at his parents. He could see them both. Right there. In the cell. And he could see them back in Westfall. Packing. Hiding valuables as Cameron dug graves for the rest of the family. Chhk. Chhk. Chhk. Chhk. Just a kid, but he made sure every single plot was the right size, the proper depth. They had to be perfect now because there would be no chance to fix them later.    "Yeah. It's been handy. Really sells the cover I'm just a cemetery worker. Burying other people's handy work." Cameron replied with a snort, his dad answered with a playful wink.        "Hey. That's not a bag gig. Knowing where some of the bodies are buried."           "It's just petty people that no one would miss anyway. It's not like they're trusting me with anyone important."    "Heey. Hey, now." Rictor pulled his hand away from his son's cheek and shook a pointed finger at him instead.  "No such thing as an unimportant person. Hey, hey, look at me." Cameron had glanced away, pretending as if something more interesting was happening down the dark hallway. "Cameron James Trafton. You look at me right now, yer an adult, not a child, so quit lookin' around for Great father Winter, and look at me."  Cameron puffed his cheeks out before he gave in and turned his head to look his father right in his tired, dark eyes. "Everyone is important to somebody. And those somebodies are important to others, and those others are loved by even more others until all those others stop bein' strangers you don't know, and they all start bein' people you care about." Rictor poked Cameron's forehead as if to strengthen the point he wanted to make to his son.  "Which is why, whenever you do anythin' for the SI:7, even if it's takin' out a Horde soldier or findin' out where some mark is just so someone else can kill them; you remember that what you do, will hurt someone else, and that pain will spread and change until it comes right back to you. And don't think for one moment, don't you dare think that there aren't people other than me and your mother who care about you now. I don't care who they are, and I sure as hell don't give a damn if you don't like their company or where they come from, or what their social status is." He ceased the forehead poking and resumed shaking his finger at Cameron, who was now rolling his eyes in disgust. Rictor reached through the bars again to turn Cameron's face and attention back at him.    "Dad. I don't want anything to do with Nobles, or Stormwind, or the Alliance or their...war." Cameron protested with a heavy huff, pushing the memories of Undercity out of his mind as quickly as possible.        "I know. And I don't blame you. But our issues lie with a dead King. Look, I'm not tellin' you to throw out everythin' red that you own. And I'm not tellin' you to forget everythin' that happened. Hell no!" He scoffed, shaking his head. He pulled his hand away and pointed at Cameron for the third time. "But you need to be damn careful about who you hurt. Be it someone above or below you."    Chhk. Cameron stuck the shovel in the dirt, having finally finished his grim task. His mother, Isabelle, grasped his shoulder gently as the three of them stared at the graves of the rest of the family.  No time for words, no time for flowers, they went back into their home to discover they now had no time to escape. Maybe if the guards had been a little bit slower, or maybe if the house had been a little bit further off the road, they could have gotten away. Maybe the hidden tunnel in the basement could have saved them, a genuine lifeline to live in relative freedom another day. But there was no time to even fantasize that. Despite having her own face slapped into the wooden floor, Cam's mother started screeching and swearing when the guards dared to shove her only child onto the wood.   "He isn't even a TEENAGER you motherless sons of ogres!"  She squirmed as her arms were pinned behind her back. "Didn't know the DAMN ALLIANCE, threw CHILDREN IN THE STOCKADES. You put ANDUIN in there too when he misbehaves!?"  Cam was too scared to remember what his Dad was trying to say. Too frightened to remember anything but the pounding headache and the thumping of his heart in his chest. The guards looked at each other, and to their superior. They had their orders, but she was right.    "So. Don't hurt people, and somehow, also don't stop being Defias. Is what I'm hearing. Basically." Cameron rolled his eyes and started to glance up at the ceiling.  "That makes absolutely no sense." His Dad snapped his fingers in his Son's face to bring his attention back.       "The King and the Nobles hurt us. We got angry at him. and Queen Tiffin died instead. Did that solve our problem?"        "No."      "Exactly. And what I'm sayin' is. If you got a friend, who's a guard, or a Noble. Who likes you. Sees you as a friend, and you'd like them otherwise if it weren't for their job or status. All I'm sayin is. Don't stab them in the back for the Brotherhood, Cam. Doesn't matter if you think they're not important. It'll come back to screw you over.  Defend yourself, stand up for yourself. And I get it,  y' gonna get orders that you won't like and will make you feel like everythin' I just said was a waste or hypocritical or somethin'. Whatever. Just be smart about it. Don't kill anyone you don't have to." 

   Cam was lifted from the floor and plopped in a chair at the kitchen table. An object that was once the center of a loving family freely eating their meals together was now an impromptu cage. The old, tired captain knelt in front of Cameron, looking up at the boy wearily.       "Kid. Do you consider yourself Defias?"Rictor shut his eyes, praying Cam would be smart and say no.        "YES."His heart sank, but Rictor knew if he spoke out, nothing he said would help or change the situation. The captain sighed as he rubbed his forehead, taking a moment to pinch the bridge of his nose. He tried to not think of his own kids back in Stormwind who were roughly the same age as the one who defiantly sat before him.          "Have you actually done anything, for the Defias? Steal anything? Kill anyone?"Cameron thought about the magic casters. He thought about how the mages could light their targets on fire. Maybe he could do the same thing. Perhaps he could light all the guards on fire, and they could escape. Maybe, if he understood how it worked... 

     Cameron fought back the tears as some memories refused to stay quiet.        "It's not fair. They said they'd let you out if...and they still haven't....and." His Dad waved a hand dismissively with a grunt.          "The Brotherhood might not be seen as much of a threat any more Cam. But that doesn't mean there aren't still people who hate us. Either this is the pain we caused coming right back on us, or somebody with pull doesn't want you out of the SI:7."     "I'm a terrible agent, I don't know why they'd keep me around. I just mess up constantly. I can't even do most of the stuff other rogues do. I can't even use that shadow dance magic dance thing. I can't stealth without a device. I've seen others better than me get kicked out for not being good enough. Why the hell, would they keep you in here, just to keep me with them." He rubbed his eyes, frustrated and embarrassed at his inability to use real magic.  His Dad exhaled slowly with a quiet shake of his head, he had no answers for his son, and he wished desperately he did. Isabelle had quietly crawled over, grasping the bars with her frail fingers and pushed her face right up against the metal. Her eyes were wide as she stared Cameron down.        "Knowledge is just as valuable as skill. Baby bird, do y'know somethin' most others don't? Is it somethin' that you're not telling them?"      A lot of answers played through Cam's mind. A lot of memories presented themselves as possibilities. But two stuck out in his mind the strongest, although he had no idea if they were the correct memories to focus on.    Cameron thought about the Captain asking questions about the Defias at the dinner table.          "Do you know the names of other members? Do you know of any hiding places we don't know of? C'mon kid. I'd rather see you go to a Stormwind Orphanage than the Stocks. Don't let the crimes of your parents ruin the rest of your life."        "You're already here." Cameron glared up at the man. "You already have my parents in chains, you already killed the rest of my family. You already ruined the rest of my life. I'm never forgivin' you for this."         Cam thought about the Death Knight who used to be his best friend.        "You tell anyone. Anyone. About me and what you just found. Your life is not only forfeit, but I will raise you as a mindless ghoul for the Scourge. Have I made myself clear?" His fingers dug into Cameron's neck, who nodded frantically, properly scared for his life for the first time. "You're going to go back, to the SI:7, and you're going to tell them that it was a false lead. Just a rumor put in place by jealous competitors who had the money to make it look convincing."        "Th...That doesn't mean they'll stop sending me to Northrend."Gilzo smiled very sweetly, fluttering his eyes as he took a moment to use his free hand to flip his hair.         "Then you better pray that if they do. I don't hear about it. You only go to Northrend if you're doing something for me. Any other time, and it's you begging to be killed. Which I'd really rather not do, Cammie. So don't test me. Please. For your sake and mine, don't test me." Cam shrugged, shaking his head.         "No. I haven't dug up any deep secrets. " His mother stared at him in silence, fully aware that her son was lying to her but unable to fully figure out the truth. She leaned forward to give him a dry peck on his cheek before slipping back to her spot on the wall.          "I can tell when somebody's protectin' somebody else. They better be worth protectin."    His Dad looked up at him curiously as Cam tried to find the right words. He started thinking about a lot of people. A lot more people than he wanted to think about. A pain grasped Cameron's chest as he realized that despite earlier silence implying that he had no friends to spend his birthday with, despite his constant denial every visit that there wasn't anyone or anything he cared about other than his parents; Cameron started to think of a lot of people he did, actually, give a damn about. He had broken his own rule of not getting attached to anyone. Not just once, or twice, no. He'd gotten a bit carried away, not realizing how attached he had gotten to not just Gilzo, but to Mary. Haleth, Frena. Barnabe. Raam.  He even thought Morgen, Moz, and Lauree were fun although he'd never admit to that last one even if his life depended on it. He didn't want to think about everyone in the Stormwind Guard who never asked for his Agent name and opted to call him Greenie whenever they saw him. And of course, Morrowgrove, who started that trend and whom he accidentally referred to as "Cat-mom" once in front of Gilzo.  He thought of a lot of things. Eventually thinking about the promise he made Gilzo again. It wasn't the worst of his secrets, but it certainly ate away at him but...    "I...I can't." At one point, he would have utterly betrayed his promise the first chance he could do it safely. But by the time that opportunity arrived, he'd notice that there was a drastic change in the Death Knight as he slowly reconnected with his family. Cameron grasped the bars and thunked his head against them.    "I can't. Break up another family. That's finally pulling itself together." He closed his eyes, waiting to be chastised. Instead, his mother called out sweetly.    "Honey, that's nothin' worth bein' ashamed over. And if you think the SI:7 or the guard will fuck somethin' good up just for the sake of fuckin' it up don't you tell them a damn thing." But not telling the guard also risked hurting the ones in there that he liked. There was no guarantee they'd be understanding and not do anything about it.  His mind started to race about how badly things could go after that, unsure what daydreams were plausible and what were just paranoid delusions.      Cameron now sat across from the Captain in his office back in Stormwind.    "Kid. This is what I can do for you. Your parents are going to the stocks. Nothing's changing about that. But listen. We'll set bail, we know no one will pay it, but you'll be someone's ward where you can grow up in a lovely house and get a proper education. When you're old enough you can yourself trained up, give your skills to the SI:7, earn some money, you can pay it off that way. Or you can join them in the stocks and spend the rest of your childhood there. " Cam thought about it. He wanted to say no.  But maybe one day, maybe...if he was in the SI:7 if the Defias ever got another chance.....he could help.    "Fine."       The rare sound of footsteps quickly snapped Cameron out of his memories. He needed to leave. A silent goodbye as he pulled his hood up over his face and he was gone before the guards walked by.         "Evenin' Trafton's."         "Howdy."         "Wish I was coming by to say I can finally let you out, but I'm just passing through."         "Ha. Yeah. Maybe tomorrow."         "Yeah. Maybe tomorrow."

[wongpuppy]

MOMENTS II, johnny seo

↳ Rating angst + fluff

↳ Pairing bestfriend!Johnny x Y/N

↳ Word count  5.4k [ part I + part II ]

↳ Summary you fell in love with bestfriend!Johnny in a series of moments

“Wait for me.” 

Johnny’s able to mutter out once he gets out of the hammock. 

His eyes were glued to you, and have been ever since you told him to say something. And Johnny wanted to look away so fucking bad but he couldn’t. The whole time he watched you, he felt his fists clench and heart twist over and over again. He’d never see you so broken, so small. Not even when you left Sehun, this was pure hurt and embarrassment. Yet he couldn’t look away. 

It was like he was making sure you weren’t going to say or do anything more. Because you have never caught Johnny off guard like that before, and he wasn’t used to a spontaneous Y/N. 

He takes one lasting look at you with a very clenched fist before he wills himself to get back to his apartment. Johnny knew you and he knew talking was the last thing you were going to do, holding back all your tears. He looks down to his opened fist, seeing heavily evident nail marks. 

So Johnny forces himself to walk away, to take a step back.

Because in the four years Johnny had known you, he’s only ever managed to keep one secret from you; why exactly him and Ruby broke up. And up until now, Johnny hadn’t let himself think much about it. That’s exactly why he couldn’t see or be around you, because he knew he fucked up bad. 

He looks back at you right before he leaves the balcony, and instantly regrets it when your eyes meet for maybe the third time since this all begun.

Your eyes were filled with so much pain and sadness, Johnny’s steps immediately faulted and hesitated before exiting your balcony. He stands there for a second until knew that the last thing he could do right now is help you, no matter how badly he wanted to. 

So he forces himself to keep walking out of your apartment (and locking it with his spare key), get in his car, and drive home. In the car, music plays in the background but not in Johnny’s mind, his head too full with scenes of you looking up and stars stuck in your eyes, how the more your eyes teared up, the more and more it reflected the sky and all its stars-

Yeah. Johnny needed to stop thinking. At a red light, he quickly flips through his playlists and cranks up the volume to Beethoven’s sonata no. 14.

The songs melancholy notes blare through the speakers and Johnny feels himself relax against the drivers seat and focus on the piano keys. But the more this particular song played and the closer Johnny got to his apartment, he realized that this was your favorite Beethoven song. And instantly, Johnny’s shoulders drop and he feels a tear fall from his right eye. More and more, tears fell right after each other while Johnny drove home. His heart felt like it was being torn apart the farther he got away from you and into the song.

Once he parks his car, Johnny sits in the drivers seat for a second holding the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles went white. Face wet with the remnants of tears and sobs, Johnny felt stuck in his seat. As much as he wanted to go back to you and comfort you, he couldn’t trust what he would do. Johnny was going through so many emotions and memories, he felt like he was going to blow up at any point. Wiping the last of his tears, he gets out of the car and can’t help but whip the door shut.

Going up the building, Johnny quickly closes the door to his apartment and leans against the front door. All he does is lean against the door and keep his eyes on the floor. Out of everything he thought could happen today, you confessing your feelings wasn’t one of them. And out of everything that could be brought back up from his past, it’s his break up with Ruby. 

Johnny shuts his eyes tightly. He slides down his door until he’s sitting in front of it with this head in his hands. He knew karma had a funny way of messing up his life. 

The only person who knew about the break up was Jaehyun, Johnny’s other best friend. He was pretty close to the younger guy, having known him a long time, but there was something about Y/N that made Johnny almost magnetized to you. 

Johnny reaches for his phone and scrolls through his contacts before clicking on Jaehyun’s name, putting it on loudspeaker and closing his eyes. 

“What’s up, Johnno?” Jaehyuns lively voice answered. 

“Its Y/N, Jaehyun.” Johnny pinches the bridge of his nose. “Something happened, she-” 

“She knows you cheated on Ruby, doesn’t she?” 

There it is. The disgusting, dreadful secret. 

Johnny sort of wiped the whole memory of the breakup clean as if it never happened, not wanting to go through what had happened two years ago. 

“Shit, bro, no. She doesn’t. Not yet, anyway.” Johnny rests his head back on his front door. “I’m just going to have to tell her at some point.” 

Jaehyun’s quiet on the other end of the call. 

When Johnny told him, it had just happened and Jaehyun refused to talk to his best friend for around 2 weeks before he forgave him. And it took Jaehyun a lot not to punch him square in the face for a long time.

Jaehyun knows Johnny fucked up, but he also knows that Johnny understands he fucked up and has been trying to make up for it since.

“Y/N’s gonna freak the fuck out, bro.”

Both the boys knew you, Johnny obviously a lot more. But even Jaehyun knew the amount of hatred you had for cheaters, being cheated on by the first guy you dated (Simon or whatever) and Sehun. They both knew cheating was the end zone for you, your own blacklist.

“I know, Jae, thanks for stating the obvious.” Johnny groans and his feet taps rapidly on the floor. “I’m so fucked.”

“Does she know about your feelings for her too?”

Fuck me. Johnny clears his throat with a groan. “No, Jaehyun. She doesn’t.”

Johnny knew how messy the situation he got himself into was. But he couldn’t help it, you were right, something did happen two years ago. But unlike you, Johnny didn’t allow himself to relish in moments of awe at you, he just refused to ever let himself think there was a chance for the two of you to ever work out.

Because Johnny plainly knew that he was not good enough. Because Johnny was a cheater, and you stuck to the saying ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. Because Johnny knew that once he told you, you wouldn’t see him as Johnny, your best friend. You’ll just see him as a cheater.

Because Johnny was scared. The last thing he ever wanted to do was hurt you, and look at how shit he was already doing.

So Johnny held his breath and tucked away those feelings for two years. Jaehyun only knew because he cornered him a year ago with a suspicious glance. But as far as he knew, you didn’t have an ounce of a clue of his true feelings. And tonight solidified that.

Jaehyun whistles on the other end and sighs. “You guys are the closest people I know, I can’t imagine the two of you not being on good terms.”

You should’ve seen what just went down then bro, Johnny thinks to himself. He swallows thickly, wanting to change the topic. “I just can’t bullshit when I tell her. I just need to go out and say it, no beating around the bushes.”

“And don’t make any excuses.” Jaehyun adds. “You fucked up and you know it, make sure she knows that.”

Johnny’s quiet for a while, taking in everything that he would have to say to you. “Okay. Thank you, man. I owe you, big time.”

“Always, bro.” Jaehyun says on the other line. “Give her time, Johnny. Let me know how it goes when it does.”

The phone call ends and Johnny thought he’d feel somewhat better at this point but he really doesn’t. He feels just as shitty as he did when he first saw your face when he said he needed to go. Johnny’s mind is still too clouded in scenes of you with stars in your eyes. You looked so raw and open, it hurt Johnny unimaginably that he hasn’t been the same to you.

Best friends told each other everything, even the worst parts. Realizing that he held back something as big as cheating from you made Johnny feel like pure shit. 

How he’d gone two years without telling you is insane to him now.

Johnny pulls out his airpods from his pocket and puts them on, playing more of Beethoven. The last thing he wanted was to be alone in the silence where his thoughts could shout and plague Johnny’s mind. 

So like clockwork, Johnny gets on with his nightly routine. A glass of water, quick wash and moisturize of his face, before dressing down to boxers, and getting into bed.

But this time, Johnny doesn’t fall asleep in 5 or 10 minutes. Johnnys wide awake all night. Eyes locked on the ceiling on top of him and Chopin playing gloomy music through his earphones.

Throughout the whole sleepless night, your face had been the only thing on his mind. He couldn’t help but feel a bit dumbstruck repeating those moments of you in his head over and over. For a second, Johnny allowed himself to see you as his.

What if he grinned from ear to ear instead, nodding with fire in his eyes at you? “Y/N, I’m crazy in love with you, I have been for two-“

Johnny stops when he realizes a tear slipping from his left eye. He shuts his eyes quickly and holds his hands up to cover them. Get a fucking grip, Johnny. But the more and more he kept telling himself that, the more he felt himself crumble. It isn’t long until he’s a mess on his bed, throat scratchy and raw from the wretched, vocal cries.

And to think Johnny had never cried as many times in 20+ years as he had tonight.

Thats basically how it went for the next two days. Johnny isolated himself to his bedroom, bathroom, UberEats, Debussy, and Bach. Not going to classes and taking a few sick days from work, Johnny really didn’t feel like going through any day without you.

It was kinda dumb how much you’ve woven yourself into Johnny’s life, subconsciously becoming almost a necessity in it.

If one of you didn’t sleep over, theres always a morning text followed by ‘ride?’, and thats just how easy friendship was to the two of you. Johnny always brought an extra bottle of water wherever he was with you because you would always finished yours and drank his. You always kept a mini umbrella in your bag because last year Johnny kept complaining about his bad luck of being caught up in rain with no umbrella. And you’d go help him no matter where you were or what you were doing.

Johnny wakes up quietly on the third day, different to waking up in cold sweats and sobs from nightmares the first two days. He looks at the time on his phone with a low groan. 6:30am with no alarm. Classic morning bird Johnny.

He lays back on his bed with an arm behind his head and eyes focused on the ceiling.

His days seemed to drag on longer, hours lasting years, ever since the two of you stopped talking. Previously, the longest the two of you gone without talking at all (other than sleeping) was just a day. And that was because Johnny worked a double shift interning at a hospital shadowing a doctor and obviously, the two of you weren’t in a fight.

On the third day, Johnny had the intense need to reach out to you. He’d catch himself last minute before sending a text or requesting a facetime. He didn’t know what it was, the first two days Johnny allowed himself to wallow in sadness, and now, it was like he was aching for your company.

But still, Johnny shook the thought off. These few days, he had also been thinking quite hard about what to say and how exactly to say it. Because he knew it was all bad he just wanted to know if there was any way he could soften the blow (there weren’t). So, third day in and Johnny barely had a fairly thought-through idea in his head.

Clearing his throat, Johnny shuts the curtains closed and scrambles back in bed. He couldn’t trust himself or what he was going to say, not wanting to mess things up even more. Curling up on his side, Johnny closes his eyes and feels himself drift off to sleep, imagining you right beside him. Thats really how the most of the day went, Johnny falling in and out of sleep, the blackout curtains making it seem like night time 24/7.

At some point, Johnny couldn’t stand the helpless, cruel dreams of you and him and grabs his phone checking the time. 8:26pm. He knew barely getting sleep in two days would catch up to him. Karma, you see, always made sure to kick Johnny’s ass real good.

After a few more minutes in bed, Johnny gets out and goes to his kitchen with a stretch and roll of his shoulders. He puts in coffee into his French press and leans against the counter. Looking around his kitchen and living room, Johnny sighs.

He barely left his room for good measure. His apartment was filled with fragments and memories of you in every piece of furniture, it almost scared Johnny. You chose the couch and carpet, you’d spend every Tuesday nights in the kitchen cooking for your weekly taco Tuesdays-

Johnny squeezed his eyes shut.

When he opens them the next second however, Johnny is caught up in a memory. A memory of the first time he told you he loved you.

A little more than a year ago, you had managed to get blackout fucked up at one of NCT’s parties. Johnny took you back to his place after you nearly stripped down and jumped into the pool in negative temperatures.

You were spinning on one of Johnny’s counter stools, giggling like an 8 year old. You kept giggling at nothing in particular and just the sight made his heart skip a beat. And for the first time in a while, he let himself indulge in his feelings.

Johnny was leaning against the exact same spot, watching you with a dopey grin and a deep laugh. He knew he only had around 3 beers but he couldn’t shake off the need to keep looking at you. “You’re gonna get sick if you keep spinning around like that.”

“Please, Johnny boy, I’m already sick as fuck.” You drag out the last word and continue spinning and giggling your head off. There it was, the dumb nickname you called him whenever you were drunk. Johnny swallowed thickly, brushing off the way you articulated his name.

Johnny grins to himself, stopping your spinning by putting his hands down and grabbing onto the stool. He leans in close to your face with a lick of his lips. His honey eyes scatter across your eyes, nose, then lips.

“How drunk are you, Y/N?”

Johnny mutters out, eyes drinking in your low eyes and wide, pearly smile.

“Very drunk. Like I won’t remember this in the morning.” You grin like you just said something good. Then, you cross your hands and narrow a brow, smirking at him. “Why, you gonna kiss me, Johnny boy?”

“No.” He says quickly, pretending he didn’t hear those exact words from you.

Johnny picks you up easily and walks over to his room with you in his arms. He puts you on the bed and walks to his bathroom to get the makeup wipes you left. He comes back and sits down close to you to remove your make up. He leans back into you and when you don’t react in any way, Johnny clears his throat, using the fact that you wouldn’t remember this to his advantage.

“I’m in love with you, Y/N. I feel a lot of things for you and I’m terrified.”

Drunk you grins up at Johnny, not fully processing the intensity behind his words. Johnny wished this was real and actually going on, seeing the smile on your face at his words. And god, did it feel good to say out loud. He felt the weight of thousands of bricks slip off his shoulders and he takes a deep breath.

Johnny looks back at you with a half smile. “And I really can’t imagine my life without you.”

Johnny shakes his head, attempting to shake off all the memories that came along. He knew he’s heard your words before, repetition of a drunken memory of his own confession. What were the odds.

But the memory of the way it felt to tell you he loved you stuck to him, and he completely forgets why he was in the kitchen until the French press steams up.

So Johnny quickly presses it and makes himself coffee in an 8 ball spherical mug (because every mug was chosen by you and was well, crazy).

“I still don’t know how you can drink coffee without anything.”

Johnny jumps at the sound of your voice, turning around to check behind him with his heart racing. “Fuck.” Johnny curses, a hand clenching his chest. Just another memory. Johnny felt like he was being haunted.

He stands in his kitchen for a few seconds before he utters ‘fuck it’, running to his room and throwing on a random pair of jeans and a large hoodie. Grabbing his keys and wallet, Johnny runs out of his apartment without a second thought.

When he’s in his car, Johnny pulls out his phone and clicks on your chat. He gulps nervously.

Johnny: i need to see you please @8:47pm

Johnny: text me Y/N please @8:48pm

He sits there for a second before starting up and driving to your apartment complex, the usual 7 minute drive taking double as long because of Johnny’s nerves.

Y/N: when? @9:03pm

Johnny: are you free now? @9:03pm

Y/N: yeah @9:04pm

Johnny: okay im coming up @9:04pm

Y/N: youre down?? @9:04pm

He dismisses the last text from you and parks his car, taking his time to get into and up your building to your apartment. Johnny never felt so nervous before in his life, standing in front of your door. He didn’t know what to expect to come from this, not even knowing why he was here to begin with.

Johnny lifts his fists to knock on your door.

Theres a few minutes before the door opens and Johnny tries to take the time to collect and calm his thoughts and emotions but almost the opposite thing happens. He just feels his emotions spike and the temperature pick up standing in front of your door.

Once the door opens, Johnnys eyes zip up from the floor to you and he feels his heart squeeze.

Three whole days without you made Johnny feel like water was taken away from him and this was the first sip in years. Your features are coaxed in a layer of tiredness and sadness, clinging onto your skin. And Johnny felt like you were the most beautiful thing he’s seen. The shape of your eyes and eyelashes, the curve of your lips, the pink of your cheeks, Johnny loved it all.

“Y/N, I-uh… I.” Johnny clears his throat and already feels tears prickle the corner of his eyes. “Fuck, Y/N. I love you. I am in love with you.”

Johnny watches the confusion in your eyes slowly vanish, instead filling up with pure happiness. It killed him. Your lips start to curl up and the first tear falls from Johnnys eyes.

“N-No, Y/N, you don’t understand.”

Your eyes drop again, head congested with so many mixed emotions. You didn’t know what was going on and plainly, Johnny didn’t either.

“Help me understand then, Johnny.” Motioning for him to get inside, Johnny follows with a sniffle of his nose.

The both of you sat on your living room couch and when you reach out to hold Johnnys hand, he takes it back in the speed of light.

“I haven’t been completely truthful to you, Y/N. Just hear me out before you say anything, okay?” You nod hesitantly and Johnny sighs. “Ruby and I… we didn’t just break up, Y/N.”

You furrow your brows, confusion clear on your face. Johnny plays with his fingers. “One night, we got into an argument. We lashed out at each other, yelling and screaming, then she storms out of my apartment. Still pissed, I went over to the frat house and one thing led to another and there was a party.” He squeezes his eyes shut tightly. “I… I cheated on Ruby that night. I got drunk, s-slept with some random girl, and I broke up with Ruby the next morning.”

Johnny doesn’t want to open his eyes, now fully understanding why you kept looking at the sky three days ago. All he could hear was the tv playing something in the background and the sound of his heart slowly start to rip apart. Because as time went on, a new noise started to fill the apartment.

Johnny’s eyes open slowly to the sight of you hunched over and sobbing into your palms. His voice gets stuck in his throat and his mind goes quiet. He feels his hands start to heat up and twitch, almost needing to touch you and comfort you in any way he could. Johnny felt so helpless, wanting to help you but knowing he was the one you were crying about.

He doesn’t even realize he was even sobbing lightly.

“D-Does she know?”

Johnny swallows thickly at your words and nods instantly. “Of course, I told her. Y/N, you don’t know how bad I fe-“

“J-Johnny.” Your eyes are red and glossy when you look up at him. Your voice was broken and you choke back a sob. Johnny watches your face constrict and feels his jaw go slack at the sight. “How could you?”

The immense pain behind your words hit Johnny at full force. He’s broken quite a few bones in his life but nothing hurt more than that.

“How could you do that to her?” The whole time, you’re shaking your head and Johnny sees exactly what he didn’t want to.

You didn’t look at him as your best friend. He was Johnny the cheater in that second and Johnny felt sick to his stomach. 

Johnny’s mouth dries up and he can’t find the words to answer, stuck looking at you like a fish out of water, mouth opening and closing. Tears fell from his eyes on their own accord, making his honey eyes look almost green. He holds out his hands to hold you and you shake your head forcibly.

“No, don’t touch me, Johnny.”

He’s never felt helplessness like that, hurting you then wanting to help you, it tore Johnny apart. He takes his arms back with a shivering chin.

You continue to sob loudly, covering your face with your hands. Johnny can hear you mumbling ‘how could you’ over and over.

“I’m sorry, Y/N.” Johnny chokes out, using the his sleeves to wipe his tears. “I’m sorry the only answer I can give you is I don’t know. I was stupid, angry, and you know me, Y/N. I’m not the same person, I changed and you know this. Please don’t look at me any differently.”

He watches you hiccup and wipe away tears, still managing to look completely flawless to him. Johnny sighs.

“That’s why I haven’t gotten into a relationship since… it’s like I don’t trust myself. I was capable of that much pain to someone I had a lot of feelings for… I just don’t want to be in a position like that again.”

“How am I supposed to know you’d never cheat on me, Johnny?”

“Because I’ve never felt anything like this towards anyone and I never want to let it go.” Johnny visibly swallows and hesitates before holding onto your hand lightly. “I never want to let you go.”

“You deserve a lot better than me, Y/N. But if you give me the chance, I’ve been bettering myself and I want to continue to with you beside me.”

You stare at the way Johnny holds your hand with his the whole time. Its soft and intimate, homely. His words and actions dripped honey, and you felt your previously broken heart start to put itself together.

But the more you stared at your intertwined hands, the more sick to your stomach you felt.

You slowly slide your hand out of his grasp and catch the way heartbreak flies across Johnny’s face. You squeeze your hands together, realizing how cold they were without Johnny’s to warm them.

“I need time to take this all in, Johnny. You kept a secret from me and lied, I can’t just brush that off.” You gulp when you watch his head fall.

He nods and clears his throat, voice husky and deep. “I understand, I’ll give you all the time you need, Y/N.”

When he stands up, you stand up right after and clear your throat. “Thank you for telling me about Ruby.”

Johnny looks at you with a sad smile. “No need.” He walks over to your front door with heavy footsteps. “I should’ve told you a long time ago.”

⇝⇝⇝

2 months later

Johnny pulls out the pie he made last night from the fridge and sets it on the coffee table. He puts the last of all his pillows and blankets on the couch and on the floor in front of it. He knew how much you liked being warm and comfy, pillow forts being your favorite thing ever.  

Johnny woke up at 7am today already nervous. It was the his and your friendship anniversary, and you had already texted him asking him if he wanted to do something today. With an obvious yes, Johnny gulped and bit his nails all day.

You and Johnny barely spoke in these 2 months but it was sort of okay. There was never any bad feelings and the two of you smiled at each other whenever you bumped into each other. 

But at the beginning it was probably one of the hardest things Johnny went through.

Having to wake up and get through the day without talking or seeing you? Thats like telling Johnny to practice suffocation for a couple minutes everyday.

But as time went by, Jaehyun would come around with Mark, Ten, and Doyoung; and Johnny realized how much he missed being around his friends. He often spent most of his time with you and saw the guys a couple times a week. Being around them now made Johnny feel guilty for not spending more time with them but they were quick to dismiss it, always going to be there for him when he needed them. 

He realized that he shouldn’t have been alone those rough couple days. So he spent more time with the guys, and eventually began to feel a little better.

But he never forgot about the way your eyes widened and beamed when he told you he loved you.

It was now currently 8:58pm and you were due to arrive at his place in 2 minutes. Johnny was so fucking nervous. But he was also curious, these two months were a time of recovery for Johnny, and he didn’t know how it treated you.

Theres a knock on his door and Johnny lets out a long breath before clearing his throat and running over to the door. He hesitates at the door handle before pulling it open. And Johnny was speechless.

You looked really good, as if you had a sort of glow to you. Your eyes seemed brighter and your smile softer. It caught Johnny off guard, momentarily taking a couple seconds to take this all in.

Just like that, Johnny knew that his feelings never once left and if anything, just got all the more stronger.

You gave him a shy smile holding up a plate covered in foil. “I brought something for, uh, you know. Today.”

Of course. Both of your friendship anniversary called for dessert night. Thats how its always been and also why Johnny spent the entire day yesterday (with a little help from Jaehyun) baking a key lime pie.

Johnny smiles and he smiles big. Nodding, he lets you by. “Yeah, I made something yesterday. Its on the table in the living room.”

You walk by him and turn back to him with a grin. “It’s nice to see you, Johnny.”

Johnnys eyes drag up your converse, across your outfit, and up to your rosy red cheeks. He grins widely. “You look good, Y/N. How’ve you been recently?” He closes the door and ushers you towards the living room.

“I’ve been really good, actually.” Your blush never fading. “I got the job at JM and Co.”

Johnny’s eyes go wide. “The top law firm? Holy shit, Y/N, that’s insane.”

“Its only a desk job right now. But I’m really excited.” He watches your hands clamp together and eyes twinkle when you smile. He feels his heart squeeze and damn, Johnny was so whipped.

“I’m really proud of you, Y/N. You’re gonna go really far.”

If anyone knew that, it was Johnny. He always made sure to go to all of your mock trials and debates, watching you murder it every time.

So he never had a doubt that you would be the best lawyer out there.

The both of you walk into the living room and Johnny scratches the back of his neck at the pie. “I baked it yesterday with some help from Jaehyun. Key lime pie, our favorite.”

You look at the pie with wide eyes and a shocked chuckle. You quickly pick at the foiled tin in your hands and Johnny watches you with a warm feeling in his chest. “I brought key lime pie too!”

The both of you laugh and grin at each other, Johnny inching closer to you with a shrug. “The more the merrier.”

You grin and taking in the set up Johnny had in his living room with the blankets and pillows. Your heart beat picking up its pace. “This is really cute, Johnny.”

“We used to do this, anyway.” Johnny shrugs and you catch the blush that washes across his face. “I just want this to be perfect.”

And perfect it was. The both of you delved into your pies, watching 3 movies (but the two of you talked instead throughout all the movies), and exchanged shy, bashful gazes the entire night.

And for the first time since Johnny realized that he liked you, keeping his feelings as background noice wasn’t possible anymore. 

Because at one point when you laughed at something he had said, Johnny felt his heart skip and his tunnel vision set on you. The air smelled like key lime pie, Johnny’s favorite movie Inception played in the background, and his favorite sound sang through his ears. You laughed without a care in the world, face lit up, and smile wide enough your eyes were shut closed. Johnny’s breath catches in his throat. He couldn’t hear the tv or anything except your laugh and the sound of his heart beating, fast and erratic.

Breathtaking. You were absolutely breathtaking and he was completely caught up in it. Johnny knew in the pit of his gut he could stay like this forever, hearing and watching you laugh with nothing but happiness. Six minutes or sixty years, Johnny would love to hear you laugh for the rest of his life. 

Love wasn’t easy for either of you to accept but it was worth it, because you fell slightly more in love every moment.

[misterghostface]

.Tapes

When Stan starts his second year of college, he instantly hates his new roommate. But will Richie be able to win him over with his cassette tape obsession? Secret Santa for @sadlysaraofthelosers ! Sorry its late honey, merry christmas! @itfandomprompts

Also a massive thank you to @midnightmillie for helping me to edit!

Read on AO3 here!  ///  Fanfic playlist here!

When Stan had collected his key from the front desk, he’d been prepared for having an unbearable roommate. He didn’t expect them to be friends, necessarily, but in the worst-case scenario he thought that maybe they’d be able to ignore each other. At least long enough to get through the year in one piece. But later, standing in the doorway of what should have been his dorm room, Stan realised how naïve he’d been.

He dropped his bags into the only patch of clear floor space he could see and sighed, wading through the piles of debris to what he thought could be his bed. If there was one thing he couldn’t stand, it was mess. Stan could already imagine how terrible the next year would be if he stayed here. In fact, he didn’t know why he hadn’t applied for a transfer already – surely, he should phone the accommodation liaison while his mysterious roommate was out somewhere else.

He looked across to the messiest side of the room. He wouldn’t be able to transfer without a good reason, he knew from experience, but maybe there was something here that he could use as evidence that they didn’t get along – maybe an anti-gay poster, or a political t-shirt – just something that would prove a ‘clash in values.’

Stan snorted. As though a lack of basic cleanliness wasn’t a big enough thing to clash over.

After making his way to his roommate’s desk, he bent down, to have a look, hand on his knees. When there was nothing incriminating on the top – just a collection of candy wrappers and packets – he pulled out one of the boxes that had been stashed away underneath and opened the lid.

Inside were rows of cassette tapes, some of them of bands Stan didn’t even know you could get on cassette; The Cure, Led Zeppelin, The Ramones, even one called Wolf Alice, a group that Stan was pretty sure had started making music long after tapes had become obsolete. In the next box he found more of the same.

One thing was for sure, his roommate was not only messy but also a complete weirdo. Who would take the effort to transfer music from a CD onto a cassette tape, if they’re not weird?

Suddenly, he felt guilty. His mind was taken back to his school days, when he used to be called a freak for wearing a kippah or for getting stressed out when there was an uneven number of pens in his pocket. Maybe he was being a bit too harsh. It was unlikely, but maybe Stan just had the wrong end of the stick. He hadn’t even seen the guy yet, after all, and what if he was actually alright to talk to?

Stan sighed, swiping his arm across his mattress to brush piles of his roommate’s underwear, comics and pencils to the floor, and began the process of moving in. He’d give it a week. Just a week, he told himself, and if it was absolutely insufferable, he would see about changing rooms.

But it was going to be a long week.

***

“Who the fuck does work on the first day of college?”

Stan rolled his eyes and didn’t reply, focusing on the blinking cursor on his laptop screen. He was quite glad that he already had an assignment, actually, because it gave him a brilliant excuse to ignore his boisterous roommate.

Their first meeting had been awkward at best, his roommate – who had later introduced himself as Richie – barging in to find Stan meticulously dusting his side of the room. He had beamed and ran over, sticking a hand out to be shaken and babbling at decibel levels that could only be described as inhuman. Stan had just ignored him until he went away.

Obviously, Richie was unperturbed, as he was still trying to start a conversation, looking over Stan’s shoulder and asking endless questions (“What does ‘demographic’ mean?”) about his work for Introduction to Business.

He tuned him out, instead focussing on the music coming from the cassette player – ‘Simple Season’ by Hippo Campus – which was actually just calm enough to help him relax.

Richie leaned once more over his shoulder, pointing at the screen. “Wait... there. You’ve written ‘scold’ instead of ‘sold’. Spellcheck won’t pick up on that since it’s a real word.”

“Oh yeah, thanks.” Stan cursed internally as he looked up to where his roommate was pointing. “Don’t you have any work to do?”

Richie smiled infuriatingly and reclined back onto his own bed. “Nope!” He popped the ‘p’. “I don’t have to do anything but relax my fingers, babe.”

“Your fingers?” Stan turned away from his laptop, fighting the blush that threatened to come upon hearing the pet name.

“Oh yeah, I play guitar, didn’t you know?”

Stan shook his head.

“Damn! Well, if you’re a good boy I’ll play for you sometime, I guess.”

“I’ll pass,” he sighed, but Richie ignored him in favour of whistling to the music. After a minute, Stan realised he’d been tapping his own fingers to the beat.

***

Richie was already gone when Stan had woken up on Tuesday, and for some reason he couldn’t help but feel disappointed. That was stupid, of course – seeing Richie was the last thing he wanted. Or at least that’s what he told himself. He got dressed and left with minimal fuss, which last year he would have loved, but now felt was profoundly wrong.

He was sitting in the back row of a lecture theatre, eyes drooping with fatigue and the collar of his shirt digging into his neck, wanting nothing more than to go back to his room and sleep. He had spent most of the night awake, stressing about the paper he had to finish, and about how little he actually wanted to write it. He was confident that he could get a good grade – but God it was so boring.

He slouched down in his seat, far enough that Mr. Sampson couldn’t see him, and laid his head back on the wooden chair back. He closed his eyes and blocked the lecturer’s voice out. He just hoped he didn’t start snoring.

Shoulders loosening, he started to relax as the voices around him became a low monotonous buzz. Perfect bliss. He sighed happily, feeling himself begin to drift off.

The door banged open, shocking him awake and back into an upright position. “Oh sorry!” yelled a very familiar voice over the blasting of a handheld speaker. “Wrong room!”

Everyone turned to stare at Richie, who had begun to leave the room again, exiting to the very apt tune of ‘Talk too Much’ by COIN. Mr Sampson sighed.

“Alright, class dismissed. Go home and get on with your essays while I go and track down Mr. Tozier.”

Stan closed his eyes again in victory, then reached down and hurriedly stuffed his books back into his bag. For once, thank fuck for Richie!

With a newfound spurt of energy, he pulled himself to his feet and forced himself through the crowd that was congregating on the stairs. He pushed the door open with both of his hands – free at last! – and forced himself out into the bright sunlight, taking in a gulp of fresh air and taking off in the direction of the dormitories.

When he hurried past the place where Mr. Sampson was laying into an innocent-faced Richie, he could’ve sworn he saw his roommate wink.

***

With Wednesday came heavy snowfall, and with snowfall came news of lesson cancellations after lesson cancellations. Stan laid on his bed, chin resting on his hand and legs in the air, crossed at the ankle. Richie was sitting cross legged on top of his own duvet. They both stared out the window.

“Do you ever feel sorry for the animals, when it’s like this?” Richie asked.

“I don’t really like to think about it.”

“Well nobody likes to, but I can’t seem to help it sometimes.”

Stan tore his eyes away from the snowy scene in front of him and turned his head to look at Richie. Their eyes met. “Yeah, I get that. I wonder where all of the campus rabbits go when it’s this cold. And how the birds cope with their nests being frozen over.”

“I suppose they’re probably fine,” he replied, shrugging and scratching his face absentmindedly. “I mean, they’ve lived through winters before, right?”

“Yeah, you’re right. What’s got you so concerned about animals all of a sudden?”

“Why, am I not allowed?”

Stan frowned, then shrugged. “Sure, you are, I just didn’t recon you would.”

“We’ve only known each other a few days,” Richie pouted, “I think it's fair to say you don’t know everything about me. I love animals, dude.”

Stan smiled, thinking back to the previous winter spent on his ex-boyfriend Mike’s family farm. “I love them too. Have you ever had to brush snow out of a sheep’s wool? It’s so weird, because on the top it's so cold and wet, but at the same time it’s warm and soft underneath.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Yeah! Not that they’re probably supposed to play outside in it anyway, but it seems impossible to keep them all inside for the whole winter.”

“I can imagine. I used to have a friend that lived on a sheep farm. Haven’t talked to him in a while, actually – maybe I should ask him if I can go and feel some moist wool.” Richie stuck out his tongue. “I wonder what he’d say to that.”

Stan laughed. “Probably nothing good if you phrased it like that. Perhaps I should give Mike a ring, see if we can go visit?”

“Wait,” Richie said, now giving Stan his full attention, “do you mean Mike Hanlon? THE Mike Hanlon? Who I used to go to school with?”

“Well if you went to Derry North, yeah, I suppose you must’ve done." His brow furrowed slightly. “That’s so weird, what a coincidence! I didn’t ever expect to find someone from Derry all the way out here.”

“Why didn’t I see you around school too, then?”

Stan shook his head. “I didn’t go there, I met Mike when we were little, at Boy Scouts.”

“Wait, I remember now – didn’t you two date for a while? He talked about you quite a bit.”

“Yeah, and what about it?” Stan bristled. “You have a problem with that?”

Richie’s eyes widened in surprise. “No, of course not! I was just saying.”

“Oh. Well, good. My past roommates usually tried to switch rooms when they found out I was gay, as if I was going to start spying on them in the shower or something. Which I don’t, by the way.” Stan began to relax again, and laid back down to look at the snow out of the window.

“Shame that. I’ve got a cracking bod. You’d be falling over yourself to ask me out.”

“Richie!”

***

Stan’s breath misted in front of him, yellowed slightly by the artificial light coming through the window. One earbud rested in his ear. He was sat on the low wall just outside of the dormitories, red nose poking out over his tightly wound green scarf.

“What are you doing out here, stranger?”

He turned to see Richie standing in the doorway, hands jammed in his pockets and coat unzipped.

Stan smiled. “I could ask you the same thing.”

“Couldn’t sleep.” Coming to sit down next to him, Richie’s teeth began to chatter.

“Yeah, me neither,” Stan admitted, then tutted; “you’re going to catch your death out here like that.” He reached over and grabbed the zipper on Richie’s jacket, pulling it up to his chin and then pulling up his hood, trying to cover his ears despite his unruly hair getting in the way.

Richie laughed quietly and leaned forward until his forehead was resting on Stan’s shoulder. “You’re like my little husband.”

“Yeah right, I hated you at the start of the week,” Stan protested. Nevertheless, a hand snaked around under Richie’s hood to play with his hair. “You’re a menace.”

Richie nodded. “That I am. But I’m irresistible. Don’t feel too bad about it, everyone gets sucked in eventually. It’s just my miasma.”

“Your miasma?” Stan raised an unseen eyebrow.

“Oh, shut up, you know what I mean,” Richie replied with a smile that was lost in Stan’s shoulder. “Anyway, what are you listening to?” He reached around to grab the earbud that was dangling on Stan’s chest and put it into his ear, then sat up and laughed.

“What! It’s my favourite song!” Stan playfully slapped the back of Richie’s head.

Richie looked at him incredulously. “This? This is your favourite song? Are you being serious?”

“Hey, what’s wrong with Mr Brightside?”

“Nothing, nothing. It’s a good song! I just didn’t expect anyone to call it their favourite. It’s like Bohemian Rhapsody, everyone loves it when it comes on but no one calls it their favourite.”

“It’s my mom’s favourite.”

Richie sighed good-naturedly. “Of course, it is. Someone needs to introduce you people to some new music.”

Richie sat up further, and Stan’s hand fell from his hair. His hand immediately felt the loss, and it took a great deal of willpower not to reach up and pull Richie’s head down onto his chest. He stuffed it into his pocket instead, as though the weird feeling he was getting was lack of warmth and not something else.

Richie patted his pockets until he found the one that he was looking for, then pulled out a cassette player. “Listen to this one instead.”

Rolling his eyes, Stan paused his music and pulled out his earbud, replacing it with the one that Richie was offering him. “Oh wait, I think I know this one. It’s by Rex Orange County, right? Mike used to listen to this all the time.”

“I know,” he laughed, “who do you think got him into it to start with?”

“Well maybe you should get me into some new music, since you’re the expert.”

“You know what? Maybe I should. Perhaps I’ll make you a tape.”

Stan hummed. “Why do you like cassette tapes so much anyway? Why not just put all your music on an iPod, or use CDs?”

“My dad used to buy me tapes when I was a kid, and it just went from there I guess,” Richie shrugged. “You were probably expecting it to be a long story, but that’s all there is to it. I’ve just always associated them with happy times.”

Stan smiled and absentmindedly grabbed Richie’s hand. “Nah, I completely understand. It’s like how I’ve kept the cars I used to play with as a kid.”

“Yeah, I suppose.” Richie laced their fingers tighter and squeezed, looking off into the distance. “You don’t really hate me, do you?”

“What? Hate you? No, of course not.” Stan’s brow furrowed. “I was wary to start with but certainly not now. I quite like you actually.”

“Oh good. I quite like you too.” Richie leaned over to rest on Stan’s shoulder, but at the last moment turned his head to brush a feather-light kiss on the hinge of his jaw.

“Richie?”

He stood. “It’s getting late. Come on inside before you catch a cold.” He pulled Stan to his feet by the hand. “We should talk more in the morning.”

“You’re a funny one, Tozier.”

“Just how you like it.”

As Stan watched Richie’s retreating back, he couldn’t help but agree.

***

The accommodation office – a place in which Stan found himself far more often than any other student – was small, cramped, and deeply weaved with the smells of lavender and biscuits. He looked across the desk at Mrs Flint, a motherly woman with crinkled skin and a kind smile, as she pushed back a grey hair with one of her delicate fingers.

“How are you holding up this year, Stan? I was surprised to have not heard from you yet.” She brought up his file on the computer and tapped a few keys on the keyboard. “If you feel like you and your roommate don’t quite fit, there’s a few other people requesting room changes. I’m sure I can arrange something again.”

Stan smiled and wrapped his fingers around the new cassette tape in his pocket. Richie had given it to him that morning, along with a kiss on the lips and an invitation to dinner. “Not this time, ma’am. I think we’ve finally found a winner. There’s nobody else I’d rather spend my time with at the moment.”

“I’m glad to hear that, but are you sure? Last year you barely lasted a month before asking to be swapped around. What’s different this time?”

“There’s something special about this one. I just know it.” He looked behind Mrs Flint at his new boyfriend, who was pulling faces at him through the glass panel of the door. “He’s absolutely perfect, and I wouldn’t have him any other way.”

[fadingvitality]

The Red Doors Write - Pride -Texts From Last Night

*Antoni was my favorite coworker. Why he had decided to slum when he took a job at Castaways I would NEVER know. He totally had the swagger for posh, hipster, shi-shi bars in the city, but instead he ended up at the place that was a lot more rough around the edges, of course what it lacked in swank, it made up for in character. The place had charm and the patrons were exceptional. He tried to tell me it was me that sold him. I attempted to play coy, but I just didn’t do coy and I was immediately friend-smitten. Besides his adoration for me, there were several reasons Antoni was my work ride-or-die. One, he was in culinary school. HELLO. I was his favorite taste tester, most likely because I scarfed down anything that was non-ramen and raved about the flavor profiles, ingredients and how he was a kitchen God. I was not born with the ability to poker face, and subsequently he was amused by my quirky and over-the-top reactions. But the wonderment he brought to my mouth was not where his awesomeness ended.  For our second match, he, like me, was exceedingly bisexual. Not only that, we had both leaned same-sex oriented in our comparable history but had recently come to realize we weren’t meant for a singular Skittle color. Nope, we had been deprived of tasting the rainbow. Tragedy had been narrowly avoided.

It was fate. Destiny. Coworker magic.

Antoni was sooooooooooo my people. We quickly fell into the scandal of rating our patrons on a scale from would-do-sober to not-even-shitfaced.  We were the best bartenders at Castaways and Johnny knew it, which is why he had been so easily swayed to let us schedule all our shifts together for Pride month, including the cherry Friday and Saturday nights. To our delight, he handed off the responsibility of decorating to us, and we delivered.  In place of life preservers were Unicorn floaties, and I had ingeniously used rainbow ribbon purchased at the dollar store to pinstripe the walls. Antoni had swapped out some of the blue lightbulbs for all the colors of the rainbow and added a bowl of temporary Pride themed tattoos in coconut shells at the entry. 

I was too sad the end of the month was looming, because Pride could not be topped. Sexy, beautiful people celebrating love in all its forms and feeling free and proud to do so. It was never short on kinky fuckery either. The vibrations were ninety-nine percent high, with only the occasional disruption to the mood. 

Many-a-rule were overlooked during Pride, basically it was like a party we got paid to work at. Johnny said as long as we used our noggins, we could enjoy ourselves and he’d set his eyes towards the sea. Yes, he liked to be cute like that, relating everything back to the theme of his bar.  Antoni and I made a rule, no more than one drink or shot an hour. If someone was begging, we had a dummy bottle of water we’d fake a pour with. One drink an hour still allowed for a little buzz but there would be no shit-faced-drunk-and-therefore-amorous Elliot showing ass. Antoni and I did offer ourselves up shamelessly for body shots on request…and he got just as many as me, not surprising, he was smoking hot. Some of our frequenters preferred we take the shots off each other, and we always worked it. I needed rent and he was paying his own way through school. It was worth the exhibition, and it’s not like we hated it, even if we’d never go there. 

It was the last Saturday of Pride and Castaways was packed. The night was zooming by and it was already close to ten. We were well prepared for the craziness that we suspected would ensue. This was it and not a soul would waste it.  

There was one guy throwing the mojo off, though. He stuck out like he was in the wrong place at the wrong time but didn’t know how to excuse himself from the table. I couldn’t help but notice Antoni was giving him a lot of his ear, like his entire ear, and didn’t seem irritated in the least. I had to investigate. I slid a couple of vodka tonics in the direction of two boys and gave Antoni the head jerk so we could meet up in the middle of the bar. He didn’t leave me waiting, what a gent.*

Alright, spill.  What’s with the broody dude camping in front of you?

*”First…One tequila.” That was nearly a sober rating! I gave a little side-eye down the bar. Okay, he was easy on the eyes, just slightly too… sad-daddy looking. My eyebrows lifted as I silently begged for the sordid details. 

Antoni slung a towel over his shoulder and turned to wash some glasses at the sink.  “His name is Benjamin. It seems Benji has some hardcore bottom curiosity and wants to get him some before the clock strikes pumpkin to commemorate Pride. Specific, I know. And… potential complications.” Just then we both got flagged for some orders. RUDE. “Update at eleven.”

I laughed at him despite the reluctant split and we were kept apart for what seemed like an hour.  Not that it was all torture… There was tongue around my navel action courtesy of a hot little thing with pierced nipples, and blowjobs, so many blowjobs. The shot…not the act. The patron that bought a third round absolutely insisted Antoni and I both partake. He leaned in to lick some whipped cream off my neck which was more about whispering in my ear. “Okay, I agreed to give him what he wants.”*

That’s it? *I slugged him in the arm.* That is not the TEA. 

*I could see he was hiding something so he got the serious-Elliot-eyes and he coughed it up.  “He’s married, but the missus knows. SHE KNOWS.” That was the serious-Antoni-voice that said he knew it was messy but also, fuck it.*

I better be the first to hear from you post disaster, dude. 

*He smirked, full on, unabashed smirking as he walked backwards. It was a dirty weapon he wielded like a master. He could totally charm panties off with that thing, and also pound some virgin ass, or so it appeared. As the night progressed, people got louder, threw more money at us, downed an obscene amount of alcohol, and sang off key. Benji was still in the same spot, and if he’d gotten up to piss, I missed it.  As if I hadn’t endured enough suspense, Antoni gave me the puppy-dog-eyes and asked for me to close on my own. I agreed on the condition that he feed me delicious things. The deal was closed on a little handshake trend we’d picked up.

“I’ll text you.” He winked and then he was out of there with sad-daddy Benji. Luckily for me Johnny showed up twenty minutes later and hooked a thumb towards the door.

“Get out of here, Indigo. Place looks good enough and I’ll lock up.”

A Lyft ride, short walk and shower later, I was in bed and crashed hard.*

========================================================================

*I woke to my phone buzzing off the nightstand what seemed like a blink later, but I could see the sunshine peeking under my door, alerting me it was in fact, daylight.

I grabbed my phone off of the floor and saw the text alert from my precious Antoni, and holy crap! It was almost eleven! 

I thumbed over the numbers to enter my password and opened right to his text.

“Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I’m not the best mistress ever tell me how.” I cracked up, and I really needed the salacious details pronto. I texted back. “Spill.” 

I impatiently waited as little dots teased on the screen, while silently appreciating his full sentence texting style. “TOO scandalous and detailed for text, meet me at Menotti’s and I’ll spring for your sprinkled donut.”  Drool. I tapped out what felt like a very enthusiastic reply, as it bounced out of my brain and onto the screen. “Sold. I will be there in fifteen but keep your expectations of me on the lower end.” I hit send with a laugh and popped out of bed to get dressed and out the door.*

========================================================================

*I arrived right on time and spotted Antoni at a table outside, my donut and black coffee waiting in front of the empty spot. I leaned down and dropped a kiss to his cheek, before I sat.*

Aren’t you going to eat? 

*He waved me off. “No. Already stuffed.” He shot me a look that said “don’t even” and I shut myself up with a bite of donut. “Also, you look flawless. Stop it.” Then he got right down to it. 

“So last night, I somehow ended up the priest to Benji’s confessions. He spilled it out in every detail. But the best part didn’t happen at the bar. Anyway, since Benji’s wife couldn’t really fulfill what he was looking for, her sister had suggested she let him get it somewhere else. Find a willing guy to satisfy the urges. 

Girl, we got to his place and he was eager. In a blur he was down on his knees slobbing my knob like he’d been born for the job, and then without delay splayed himself for the taking. We are talking face down, ass up, cheeks spread in invitation. NO SHAME.” 

I choked on my sip of coffee that I of course chose to take right at the moment the cheeks and spreading part of the story happened.*

But how did you end up high fiving his wife and his sister? I don’t get it!

*”Impatient! I’m getting to that! Shhh. So, after a little prep work a la sous chef, I gave him every inch I had to give. The more merciless I was, the harder he got. Heavens, he was tight. There were moans, there were obscenities, there were...giggles at the door.” My eyebrows flew up. 

“Right? So, anyway, he was too busy enjoying my cock to notice my glance over the shoulder where we had not one, but two ladies in the audience of our intimate show. I winked at them, yes, I did. I also had no shame. And then I really gave it to him, winding my hips in dramatic rotation before slamming into him hard and making him wail like a banshee. It was glorious. The smacking, the taking of virgin butthole, the way he proclaimed I satisfied him beyond wildest imagination. I came four times before his ass passed out.”*

Oh my GOD! You ho! 

*We both laughed before he kept on, because apparently he wasn’t done.”So I woke up, right? And he’s still crashed so I roam down to the kitchen. I was starved but also, I just wanted to tack on a little exclamation point to the wild night and put my culinary skills to work. 

Who do I find? The wife’s sister! She was one of the little voyeurs. Her name was Angie. Turns out Angie gave the idea to her sister, Katie, about Benji getting banged because, get this, Ang has a thing for male-male romance novels. She regaled me with stories of her favorite fictional pairings while I whipped up some eggs benedict and breakfast potatoes for the house.  We congratulated each other on likely saving a marriage. 

Benji and Katie made their appearance together. His cheeks still looked flushed, but the breakfast spread dispensed with any lingering awkwardness. We got along famously, and it was stupid comfortable. After a breakfast where Benji was notably shifting and maybe still a tiny bit shell-shocked, it was time for me to say my goodbyes. Benji got a reassuring squeeze but the ladies were waiting by the door. I told them I was glad they enjoyed the show and the high fives happened. You were my first text as soon as I hit the Lyft.”  

I was cackling. It could not be helped and the man was due a toast. I lifted my coffee cup and he held up his chai.*

To a Pride well done.

*I signature winked and he smirked. “And a Benji.”*

[joshpup]

Reconnected // Pt. 1

Word Count: 1,795 Member: Joshua Genre: friends to lovers au, fluff Summary: actually based off a real life experance for me, except its not joshua hong and the guy is weird. Anyways, just the adventures of two close friends who reconnect after a long time apart and the adventure life brings them on.

You had honestly forgotten about him. You’d spent your most blissful years of your childhood with him. You parents had been friends before you were born, so naturally the two of you spent your first few early years together. Your first few memories involved him. But, as fate is a cruel thing, he moved away around the age of five. As time went on, the memories faded with each passing year. You went on with your daily life, moving on from elementary school, to middle school to high school. Something here or there would remind you he was still around. Your mom would unearth old baby photos of the two of you, or the rare moments he would actually post something on one of his social medias, but outside of that, nothing came from it. The two of you never spoke, never tried to reconnect, nothing. You never had any reason too. He lived hours away from you, there was simply no point in trying. But this all changed in the course of one day. 

Ironically it was a wedding that reconnected the two of you. His family made the journey all the way back to where you were, but you hadn’t thought much of it, as you were busier thinking about the fact that you were a bridesmaid in the said wedding. Seventeen years had passed since he had moved. And it had maybe been seven years since you’d last seen him. Oh, how things have changed since then. So many things where making you nervous that day, but surprisingly, him being there was what made you so nervous, not being the maid of honor, or having to give a speech about the bride and groom. No, it was the fact that he was going to be there. You were going to see your childhood friend, Joshua Hong, after many long years. 

“At least I’m all fancy and dressed up...” you had mumbled to yourself and you examined the make-up that had been applied be an actual make-up artist. “This is probably the nicest I'm going to look until my own actual wedding.” 

When the Hong family finally arrived, the wedding party was getting their pictures taken. While no one else noticed, being too busy to make sure they looked good in all the photos, you saw them come up out of the corner of your eye. You had expected to see the same little middle schooler you’d seen those seven years ago, stuck in an emo phase, except this time maybe a little taller but oh how you were wrong. He was by far the most stunning person to ever walk the earth, you didn’t need to be up close to see that. You could feel you heart flutter around in your chest. Part of you wanted to walk away and run up and hug your once closest friend and catch up on all the years that you had missed with him, and the other part of you wanted to run away as fast as possible and completely ignore the stunning boy. How did the runny nose kid you’d once known turn into this? 

In the end, you didn’t have time to speak with him before the wedding. By the time pictures where over, you’d lost sight of him and his family, and then it was time for the wedding. The evening went by in a blur. You smiled on as you watched the bride and groom get married, and then made your way to the head table for dinner. But it was when the newlyweds went off to take sunset pictures that you were left to your own devices. Being the socially awkward human that you are, you made your way to every table except his. You could tell he was looking at you, how could anyone not? He had been watching you the whole evening, but now was more noticeable than ever. You didn’t even think he was trying to make it subtle. His eyes were fixed on you, but every time you tried to lock eyes, he quickly looked away. 

When you finally made it over to his table, what else would you do but go straight to talking to his mom, not even offering a glance at Joshua. And he was the same way, staring off to the other side of the room as if no one had just walked up to his table. As expected, the conversation with his mom ended up turning into a conversation about him, his mom delicately crafting a way to pull him into the conversation by force. Bless Mrs. Hong. Without her, the two of you would never have reconnected. Something as simple as talking about your senior year in high school and the different classes you were taking was enough to tear down the awkward wall between you. The two of you caught up with each other until the newlyweds came back, and then it was time for you to give your speech. You were nervous, but more nervous that Joshua Hong, someone who almost demanded attention in the gentlest of ways, would be watching your god awful public speaking. 

Honestly, you blacked out during the speech, but when the others told you that your speech had brought people to tears, you considered the job well done. When the dancing started, you found yourself gravitating over to Joshua again. How this happened, you’re not really sure, but you basically spent the whole night standing next him. The two of you would get separated for some reason or another, and then within minutes somehow, you’d both end up in the same place. 

“Have you thought of any colleges you want to go to?” Joshua asked over the booming music. 

“Are you trying to give anxiety and kill me?” you fired back. Joshua let out a loud laugh that could probably have cured cancer. Man, it was nice to see him again. 

“So how long are you going to be here?” you questioned. 

“We have to head back tonight because I have one of the main practices for a concert I’m apart of tomorrow.” Joshua explained, his face falling a little. You can’t say you’re any different, you’d at least hoped for another day for your two families to go out and get lunch together or something. You, however, didn’t say any of this out loud, but instead wished him the best of luck and said that you hope to one day be there to see him perform. 

It seemed like the rest of the night didn’t last that long. Soon it was time for the sendoff, and as the newlyweds drove away for their honeymoon, sheer chaos ensued. Everything related to the wedding had to be cleaned up and packed away before the deadline the venue had given you. You said your rushed good-byes to the Hong family, wishing them safe travels, said a few cheeky comments to Mrs. Hong, earning a giggle and like that, they were gone. Getting his phone number to stay in touch hadn’t even crossed your mind. You were busier trying to locate a car to start shoving things in. You hiked up your long, floor length dress and quickly grabbed armfuls of things and threw them into the backseat of a various cars, then got handed a set of car keys and told to drive it home. You didn’t even know how to get back home from the venue, but if it meant being able to go home and take of the long dress and heavy makeup, you were down. 

As you hooked up your music to the car’s stereo, Joshua Hong came back to the front of your mind. 

“He sure has grown up a lot. I bet he has people all over him at his school.” you mused, chuckling a bit to yourself. 

When you got home, you did exactly what you had planned to do. You ripped of the dress and changed into sweatpants and an oversized t-shirt, then threw your hair up in a messy bun, planning to wash out the heavy amount of hair spray the next morning. It took two makeup wipes to get as much as you could off. You were sure not all of it was off, but you were just too tired to care. You climbed into your bed and slipped under the warm covers and was out within seconds. 

The following two days were just as crazy. Extended family was in and out of the house over the two days, eating all the food and being as loud as humanly possible. The long-expected family drama finally broke out and the Hong’s where far from your mind by this point. Things had gone back to normal. The Hongs were hours away, living their own very different lives, while you were here, just trying to make it day by day. Finally, Monday rolled around, probably the only time you were ever going to be happy it was a Monday. Monday meant back to school, which meant you had a solid excuse to leave the extended family behind. 

It was a normal Monday. Boring and tiring as always. That is, until lunch rolled around. You sat down with your three closest friends, excited to spend the only lunch you had with them that week, and tell them all the crazy things that occurred over the weekend and during the wedding itself. You glanced down at your phone to check the time but something else caught your eye. You picked up your phone and looked at it closer. It was an Instagram notification from none other than Josh Hong. 

“Oh my god.” you mumbled. 

“What?” your best friend sitting next to you asked, leaning over your shoulder to take a look. You opened up the notification to find that Josh had direct messaged you on Instagram, saying that he had meant to ask you at the wedding, but had forgotten, so instead he figured he would just ask you about it over a DM. at the end of the message was his phone number. He had seriously planned to ask you for your number that night? Or did he just want it know and was going to play it off like that? Either way, you were in complete shock. You don’t even remember how you got your best friends phone number, but it had always been to connect for a school project, or to keep in contact for school clubs. No one had ever given you their number just to stay in touch, let alone a guy. The again this was runny nose Joshua Hong, your childhood best friend, this didn’t mean anything more than just trying to stay connected, right?

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Grimoire of Zero 10 - 11 | Royal Tutor 11 - 12 (FINAL) | Kado 10 | Boku no Hero Academia 25 | Tsukigakirei 10 - 11...plus summer 2017 anticipated anime.

Just gonna put this here so it gets more attention while it’s open.-> http://www.strawpoll.me/13311671

Grimoire of Zero 10

Geez, the staff pulled a Kado 0 - 1 on us here…i.e. the ending of one ep is the same as the opening of the next ep. It’s just to a lesser extent than Kado did.

Seriously, who is Him??? They still haven’t told us!

Welp, there’s my answer. It was too obvious to centre a 12 episode series around, I would’ve given a plot point like that about…3 or 4 eps, tops.

Grimoire of Zero 11

The thing about this show is that you can just turn your brain off and watch along. It’s a tad slow, but enjoyable and that’s why I’ve stuck with it.

LOL, I understand what it’s like to have “messy, wormlike handwriting”…

I don’t believe a wisp of that karate chop, Holdem. The hand was at the wrong angle.

Finally, the show gets funny again. There’s the Zero we know.

I love the sense of scale the animators have demonstrated with the spells. Just saying that before I have no more chances to.

Ooh! Oh, that man. I actually side with Holdem on this one, he deserved that punch.

“I-“ – Ooh, at that moment I got completely engrossed in the cliffhanger. Normally shows don’t cut off in the middle of a sentence, do they?

Royal Tutor 11

I can’t believe they forcibly took Gregor. Isn’t there some kind of legal offence for-oh wait. That’s called kidnapping. (partially sarcastic)

I’ve always found it interesting that the princes have to refer to the king as such, rather than “dad”. That seems to be a problem in every single piece of media you get about royalty, although these guys have a conscious sort of “I am no longer the king, but your father” (and vice versa) switch which is controlled by Viktor.

Oh, so it’s basically all the Dickensian stuff you get in Oliver Twist…(I haven’t read it, but you know how it is with classics *rolls eyes*).

Heine’s movements are believable, but there’s some suspension of belief needed for Viktor’s (because he faints a little too fast, I think).

Welp, this ain’t quite crying material, but I can tell there was a “climax” where the audience was expected to cry. Knowing this is anime-only material keeps my eyes dry, I guess. However, knowing that Heine’s resigned as Royal Tutor really made my heart drop…after all, this is the second last episode, and I’ve really had fun watching these princes and their diminuitive tutor.

Royal Tutor 12

Bruno really likes Gendo poses, doesn’t he?

Heine’s voice is great for a noob VA. It really sells the character.

I always thought “hai-neh” was a weird pronunciation, but that’s what it says in the katakana.

Seeing Heine tell others their strengths really makes me feel like I’m missing them already, in a good way. I’m not tearing up yet, but it’s real heartwarming and I know if I were in the same situation, I’d cry too.

“Goodbye” isn’t quite “excuse me”, but I guess it works context-wise.

This is one of those shows where “show, don’t tell” works well and I think the show’s nailed it for the most part.

University degrees don’t necessrily make good tutors. Any student knows that, especially in uni.

I can see why even the author cried at this now, even though I’m still not crying.

W-Who’s that? With the dark hair? Eins???

Ah, there’s my answer. It was indeed Eins. Why does he have dark hair???

Welp, there’s one finale for the spring season over. The anime staff really couldn’t have done too much about Eins, though, which sucks. Come back another time for a different show, ‘kay?

Kado 10

I’m in that weird stage where I want to like Kado, but because everyone’s jumped ship, I won’t want to like it either…what a weird thing peer pressure is. *feels like crying*

I feel like I’m in Superhero Project (one of my stories) where protag Keisuke wakes up in a white expansive room to be trained in his powers. Only this time, they gave the room fractals.

Interesting. It’s like an alien LINE convo.

Sarasouju tree…apparently, it’s this thing. Commonly known as “sal”. I’ve never heard of it, though.

“Humans are ephermeal creatures.” – You remind me of Haibara (Detective Conan).

“There’re guns everywhere in America!” – LOL, that sure ain’t the truth, as much as America has gun problems.

Let’s play another common anime game. It’s called “Spot the Main Character from their Hair Colour”.

(SPOILERS for White Parasite from now on!) zaShunina’s still teetering on “cuckoo” from his facial expressions here. It’s sad, because I wanted him to be mysterious and beautiful like La Luna forever...that’s why I killed La Luna off!

*sigh* Okay, evil mastermind pretender, put your hands back on and please just negotiate like you wanted to in the beginning. (*on the brink of tears* Hey, I realised something. I keep making comparisons to White Parasite, but people find it confusing. By making those comparisons, I seem to have almost jinxed Kado to be this way.)

*crying because Shindo* La Luna’s force of living was the goodwill that it used to create its powers. Does that mean the anisotropic run off trust in the same way? (By the way, please don’t resurrect Shindo. That would break the laws of reality as we know it – even anisotropic laws.) (end spoilers)

Welp, I guess not. B-But, my dreams just got ruined by Saraka kissing Shindo (although the Kado tag spoilered it for me anyway)…

Pffffft. Okkkkkkay, Captain Shang, hold up!

Shindo’s angry face at Saraka wearing his shirt had me dying. He really is Captain Shang.

Kado. You were so beautiful at first. I placed my faith in you. B-But you changed, and now all I can do is see you through as you become a cliché fest I could have easily created with my own hands. In fact, I did create a Kado with my own hands - White Parasite. So I am the one to blame…I will have to see this through as I have seen through White Parasite.

Boku no Hero Academia 25

Well, that certainly threw me for a loop. Between two forces of roughly even power, it’s unpredictable who’ll win, but the ability to humanise a character comes with weaknesses. I know that already, as a writer and reader of hero stories.

All Might is such a fatherly type. I don’t think I could write a character like him – both OP yet grounded at the same time.

Plus Ultra!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wait, the woman with red streaks is his…aunty? Sister? I’m not sure at all.

Aw, this Shouto segment was just too good. I’m worried about Iida though, because from the Stain stuff I’ve seen floating around, he will not take the defeat of his bro lightly. Also, amazarashi is coming in the next part of BnHA! I loved Speed to Masatsu, so it’s good to meet him again here.

Tsukigakirei 10

“An Encouragement of Learning” is a Fukuzawa work.

From Kawagoe to Chiba it really is about 2 hrs. Look.

Oh great. Bad CGI people strike again…

Monzenyokocho.

Did Hira have kawaii eyes just as the other people thrust trash at him?

Imokoi is a Kawagoe specialty involving…wait for it…sweet potatoes. That’s why the sweet potato mascot makes sense.

My eyes!!!!!!!! Bad CGI people stand out more in night scenes (compared to day scenes, of course).

Toki no Kane, apparently also known as the Bell of Time.

The “game” in question, that rock paper scissors, was probably a batsu (penalty) game.

I guess I should’ve guessed Kotarou would’ve gotten angry at Hira eventually. I just didn’t think it would be now.

That shot of Kotarou walking down the street looked a little awkward because it looked like he was walking on a flat surface when it’s actually slanted.

It’s not just my video, is it? Akane’s crying got sped up and that pulled me out of what was meant to be an immersive scene.

Chotto matte means “wait a bit”, but I feel like “I’ll be right there” is warping the meaning a lil’ too much.

Well, I never expected this show to portray anger. It pulled Kotarou’s anger off really well.

I never thought I’d see the day where Kotarou would rely on the potato mascot, either. I like a show that goes out of its way to be unpredictable like this. Too bad it came a little too late in the game.

Tsukigakirei is all about following the heart and not necessarily the mind, so this is a pefect way to show it.

Oh! That was another good unexpected thing, but then they’ve been teasing that since the fireworks. Too bad they kept part of Kotarou’s face hidden right after it.

This end of ep LINE convo is about a couple that can’t sleep, so one of them starts talking about their part time job…then it gets cut off.

Oh, so that’s how Sakura is related to the main events…okay.

Tsukigakirei 11

“To decide that I’m hopeless before I even begin is nothing but laziness.” - Wise words, Dazai.

Were there always two potato mascots at the top of 13.70? I think one appeared there when Kotarou first received his, actually, although I’m not bothered to look…

The people aren’t CGI now…or I’ve somehow gotten used to them…? Either way, they’ve stepped up their animation game (in exchange for ep 12 being late, according to a note on the CR page).

That’s a cute jumper, Akane.

The fact Kotarou changes his message is something I can relate with. Even one forum post can take hours to type, even though time is always never on my side.

What’s that purple thing on the onigiri plate? A pickled plum? No, those are red…

A “root for the underdog” story is a classic, so I can see why Roman’s rooting for Kotarou.

Hahaha…yeah, let’s just sat I can’t understand the science for the life of me and leave it at that. That stuff’s chemistry, I haven’t touched it since I was 14 or 15.

The stuff about circles appears to be on segments, equal angles and so on (you know how you find the angle of a triangle based on where it is in a circle? Yeah, stuff like that).

Oh yeah, I never thought this but…Kawagoe Seminar. It’s named like Sailor Moon’s Crystal Seminar, and for good reason – both are cram schools.

There’s a grade score near Kotarou’s wrist, so understandably he got an A in Japanese.

Parents aren’t like that, Kotarou. They don’t always hope for your failure, they just hope you’ll do well in life…says someone whose parents have aways supported them.

Instead of having CGI people moving, they’ve finally done 2D people. However, the tradeoff is that now the people are not moving, which is just as weird if not even weirder.

“PoPo” is such a weird name for a shop, LOL.

No wait, I take part of my comment about 2D people back. There is still CGI, it’s just less prononced now they’ve bothered to put in 2D background people as well.

That scarf goes well with his outfit…says someone who sucks at coordinating outfits.

Why not just talk with her when you’re ready, Kotarou? If The Royal Tutor taught me anything, it’s that it’s always good to talk things over if you can’t understand each other.

Aitai can mean “want to meet”(like you’re meant to do to make the fish a heart), but the ai is in hiragana (so it doesn’t mean anything) and the kanji for tai used means “red snapper”. As in, the fish.

There’s a lot of ganbaru (try your hardest) used in this ep, and Kotarou says benkyouganbaresou in this “Sorry it didn’t turn out so great” convo. The nuance is therefore lost in the translated version, “I feel like I’m ready to study again starting tomorrow”, although I can’t suggest a better alternative.

Yeah, Kotarou’s mother is right. If you have a normal sleep schedule, you’re able to work better, despite how great it may be to sleep in.

I get easily lost on public transport, so I understand the vibe Kotarou’s parents are giving off.

This ep’s ED LINE convo is two people (one’s a guy, the other I don’t know the gender of) talking about studying and, at the start of the convo, the guy’s mother being angry. At the end of the convo it turns out the guy’s notebook was blank (and that’s the punchline to the convo).

Well, I’ll confirm my lineup for summer here and now. Licensing’s already being doled out as we speak so some of the lineup’s set in stone already. In order of hype:

Definite hype:

Boku no Hero Academia 2* (carryover)

Katsugeki Touken Ranbu*

Reflection*

Nana Maru San Batsu

Kaito x Ansa (already binged Nazotokine to prepare)

Nobunaga no Shinobi ~ Ise to Kanegasaki-hen ~* (see below, carryover)

Medium - low hype:

Vatican Kiseki Chousakan

Princess Principal 

Jikan no Shihaisha (seen the first chapter or so of the manga)

Isekai Shokudou* 

18if

Youkai Apato

Clione no Akari

Konbini Kareshi

Zannen Onna

Asterisks mean licensing’s been confirmed already for me as of this post - I’ve asterisked anything confirmed to be by CR this season, because that’s likely to be worldwide bar Asia. Katsugeki is the only known show out of the asterisks that isn’t a CR stream. 

Funi’s opened up its services to my region (due to the CR x Funi merger), I could probably watch 18if there, but 1) I feel like Funi doesn’t have a good enough player, and 2) I feel like it’ll show up on a service that has a better player.

You’ll notice Nobunaga no Shinobi, a carryover from the last season I previously didn’t care for, is on the list. I was looking at YouTube videos of people’s favourite OPs and I fell in love with Shirayuki (by Renka, it’s the OP for the current season) recently, so I binged the existing content in one day. However, it being a short series means it’s not eligible for simulcast commentary and I’ll have to make a separate ranking for short series once I make my year-end rankings (to include ~ Ise to Kanegasaki-hen ~, and because watching Kenka Bancho Otome has screwed my rankings over enough as it is). After all, my 2016 ranking policy was “a show I saw at least once over in 2016 and had at least one seasonal entry in 2016″, which if applied to this year would make Nobunaga no Shinobi eligible, but it would be unfair to pit it against any shows with standard 24 min eps.

[pacman-tattoo]

All odd o:

iM GONNA PUT THIS UNDER A READMORE BC ITS LONG…

   1. What is you middle//full name?

i’m not gonna say my full name for privacy purposes, but my first + middle names are Tristen Mackenzie

   3. What is your birthday?

May 23rd!

   5. What is your favorite color?

aw man like… light pink? dark purple? cerulean blue??? all good.

   7. Do you have any pets?

yes!!!! i have a cat and her name is rose and i love her

   9. How tall are you?

5′3″-ish? i’m not exactly sure

   11. How many pairs of shoes do you own?

uh… 3 i think? 5 counting both pairs of character shoes though!

   13. What talents do you have?

as a lot of ppl who follow this blog, i’m pretty good at writing! other than that, i like to think i’m pretty decent at singing and acting, and i draw a lot. other than that??? idk

   15. Favorite song?

i answered this but i’ll just add more: A Soft Place to Land from Waitress

also Teen Idle and Primadonna by Marina and the Diamonds!!

   17. Who would be your ideal partner?

alright so like my ideal partner is definitely someone who just loves me for who i am and doesn’t force me to change, y’know? someone supportive who’s kinda ready to take me as i am with all the baggage i have and still loves me in the end but doesn’t take any bullshit? like, they accept i have problems but won’t let said problems excuse my actions. someone who can help me improve on who i am, i guess?

also someone sweet and gentle and just understands, y’know??

idk i haven’t put much thought into a person past that, since i guess all i want is someone who actually gives a shit?

   19. Do you want a church wedding?

uh personally i don’t really care even tho it’d probably piss off my family i guess??? like, it could be or it couldn’t be and it probably wouldn’t make too much of a difference for me because imo it’s a wedding either way???? idk man

   21. Have you ever been to the hospital?

like, me being in the hospital? no. visiting people? yeah

   23. Have you ever met any celebrities?

uhhh i met a guy off of broadway once he was cool i think his name was andrew or matthew or something and he was in pippin and actually was charlemange the night we saw the show!! i wish i could remember his name because he gave me really good advice about basically sharpening what i wasn’t good at when it came to theatre

   25. What color socks are you wearing?

none

   27. Would you like to be a big celebrity?

like… i mean, i wouldn’t be against it? as long as it’s for something i’m proud of, i guess???

   29. Have you ever been skinny dipping?

nnnope

   31. What position do you usually sleep in?

i usually lie on my stomach when i sleep!!! idk why it’s been kind of a recent thing??? like i use to sleep on my left side for years and over the last year or two i’ve started sleeping on my stomach for whatever reason

   33. What do you typically have for breakfast?

i usually don’t wake up early enough to actually eat breakfast but i like to make scrambled eggs and toast!! because effort

   35. Have you ever tried archery?

no but i want to :’O

   37. Favorite swear word?

eh, probably just ‘fuck’ because i’m not creative

   39. Do you have any scars?

i have a reaaaaaaally faint scar going up my leg from when i did something stupid and was scratched by a wire!!!

   41. Are you a good liar?

depends on the lie and who i’m telling said lie to, honestly.

   43. Can you do any other accents other than your own?

uh i can kinda do a russian accent like Stereotypical Russian and i can do a southern accent (which works because i’m from the south but i have no accent i swear), and i can do a kinda posh accent??? idk man i should sit around and just attempt accents one day.

i’m good at mimicking mercy from overwatch sometimes tho but only when i’m playing her because it’s more of me just sitting there echoing whatever she says i guess

   45. What is your favorite accent?

idk my russian accent is at least fun to sit around and say shit in

also just??? idk what you would call it other than Stuck Up White Girl but that’s also kinda fun because i literally will sit around and say stupid shit

   47. What is your most expensive piece of clothing?

that’s honestly a good question and i couldn’t tell you because i barely remember anything like lemme check amazon because i have this dress??? that was probably expensive

it actually wasn’t too expensive it was only 35-ish dollars??? idk then i tend to not buy expensive clothes

   49. Are you an innie or an outie?

innie

   51. Are you scared of spiders?

hhholy fck yeah i nearly panicked yesterday when there was a spider in my car like i was almost gone but my brother got it

   53. Favorite foreign food?

honestly that’s hard but i??? fukn???? love??? chicken enchiladas????

also does fondue count bc it’s from switzerland and i love fondue like cheese??? good. chocolate??? heaven.

   55. Most used phrased?

probably like “idk man” because i just Don’t Know

   57. How long does it take for you to get ready?

depends!!! sometimes it can be around 30-40, sometimes an hour, sometimes i’ll be ready in 10 minutes i don’t do makeup and throw on something decent

   59. Do you suck or bite lollipops?

i tend to mostly suck???? that doesn’t sound sexual i swear why does everything have to sound sexual jfc

   61. Do you sing to yourself?

i think we all know the answer to this one. it’s a definite yes and anyone who thinks otherwise doesn’t know me tbh

   63. Biggest Fear?

dying young, i guess? it’s something that kinda haunts me still and idk of anything that’d be a bigger fear than that for me rn

   65. Best dramatic movie you’ve seen?

idk i rarely watch movies????

   67. Can you name all 50 states of America?

i mean i’d probably leave a few out but i can

i took a thing and i got like, 35-36 out of the 50 so that’s good i guess

   69. Extrovert or Introvert?

def an introvert

   71. What makes you nervous?

what doesn’t make me nervous tho

uh i guess just??? driving in silence makes me nervous

honestly any silence makes me nervous because i need at least some sort of constant noise??? tests are hell, man.

   73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes?

depends on the mistake??? i tend to but if it’s just something really minor i won’t bother the person.

   75. Have you ever started a rumor?

nah i dont think so. if i have then??? whoops. i know a guy who started (or at least tried to?) rumors about himself tho it was weird

   77. Have you ever drank underage?

not rly??? i’ve had sips of stuff but that was usually with my parents and it wasn’t enough to make me feel anything. altho next time my friend and i hang out without her parents there i might drink a little, just to be able to say ‘i did the thing’ since i kinda wanna do teenage shit while i still can i guess?????

   79. Who was your first real crush?

guy i knew/know (we’re kinda friends??? like we talk but we don’t make extra effort to do so imo???) named jacob!!! he let me down gently because he was also the first person i confessed to, and altho i kinda regret it, i still had that rejection so at least i don’t have to deal with that shit with someone else being “that first rejection” or w/e

   81. Can you roll your Rs?

aaaa sadly no i wish i could tho!!!

   83. How fast can you run?

i don’t think i’m fast but i think i’m fast enough

   85. What color is your eyes?

blue!

   87. Do you keep a journal?

i kinda used to??? i stopped writing in it for a while…   89. Do you like your age?

ehh kinda??? like…? i’m still technically a “““teenager”““ (even tho i technically count until i’m 20 but legally i’m an adult at 18) but it kinda sucks because being 17 is lowkey kinda stressful because woah ur a senior in high school time for u to be forced into thinking you need to choose a good college that will get u a degree for a job you’ll always be in for the rest of ur life and just the fact i’m kinda inexperienced in shit??? i just wanna be smooched before i turn 18 man

   91. Do you like your own name?

i mean??? i don’t like ‘tristen’ but i do like ‘tris’! which is why i go by it online and i try to get ppl to call me it. there was someone i know who was like “no one even calls you that” when i said something about being called “tris” to someone and i’m like… that’s because i never said anything about it before…??? no one calls me tris because i never really went by it before….???

but anyway “tristen” is fine but i will always prefer to be called “tris”

   93. Do you want a boy a girl for a child?

i’m gonna say i’d love to have a girl but honestly? i don’t really care? if i have a child or if i have children, i just want them to be happy and healthy and feel they can trust me with anything - or at least almost anything, since i never really had that person growing up.

   95. What are your weaknesses?

uh i’m not the strongest person when it comes to physical activities but that’s also because i’m a dumb egg who sucks when it comes to shit like dancing because i kinda throw myself down a hole when other ppl get things and i don’t and i get really self deprecating over shit

also self deprecation by itself is a pretty big weakness.

other than that, i’m kinda messy?? like my room itself is a mess and there’s clothes on the floor and i really just need to take a day and clean up

   97. Were your ancestors royalty?

not that i know of

   99. Color of your bedspread?

uh its too hot for one rn but i have a white one that my grandma bought for me and i use it when its cold af outside

i want this galaxy one that i found tho….

(I SPENT AN HOUR ANSWERING THIS BUT IT WAS FUN OMG…)

[5hfanfiction]

our broken white rose (4/?) ⇾ camren

a/n: hey guys, i’m really sorry for not updating as quickly. idk if y'all wanna know about my life story but since some of you guys messaged me today and two days ago, heres whats been going on. i briefly explained to those of you who asked but in case you’re interested in knowing more, keep reading this lil authors note or just skip ahead to the story if you genuinely don’t give a fuck. lmao.

for a few months now, my fiancée and i have been trying to get pregnant. by her and i, i mean her, lol. she’s a bit older than me (over 21) but i’m 20. anyways, we’ve been pushing really hard for a baby because something we’ve been talking about since the early stages of our relationship is starting a family and having kids. but you know, clearly as two females, we can’t reproduce together. so recently we’ve been doing lots of research and looking for a sperm donor from a sperm bank.

she’ll be the one carrying because i am not of age and quite frankly me and pain do not mix therefore child birth and i do not like each other, lmao. but since she’ll be the one carrying, shes been really adamant on finding a donor who looks like me. i don’t really care to be honest, just the thought of someone i love bringing in beautiful new life to be apart of our own warms my heart but you know, she really cares about that. now my fiancée is biracial and i am brazilian.

honestly speaking from what we’ve seen, the closest donor we’ve seen that looks like me is a white man. and theres nothing wrong with that. i mean, its really hard to come across a brazilian man who’s willing to give his sperm away to help make babies who’d have my features. pale ass skin, blue ass eyes and dark ass hair. and honestly we’ve been fighting a lot because of that one thing. all i care about is finally getting to start my family with the woman of my fucking dreams and thats basically being put on hiatus because she wants someone who looks like me and exactly me. and i can get why she really wants that and all, but eh… whatever.

i just thought i’d share my reason for not writing. shes having several exams and back to back doctors appointments, all which i attend, then on top of that looking for donors that she approves of, getting school work done because i’m still a student but she’s not. baby girl is on her way to being a teacher but thats basically all. i’ve literally only had time to read on my phone because i’d be too exhausted to pick up my laptop and start writing.

i really hope things speed up soon because this process is already proving to be extremely tiring but as long as i get to create a family with her and live out our forever lives, i’m all in it. pun intended.

***

***

“We are live here on Express News Daily with former fifth harmony member, singer, dancer and model, Normani Kordei,” Dianna McGee introduced as the audience roared in a fit of cheers. Dianna faced the dark haired girl with a wide grin. “We’ve been trying for ages to get you here on this show. It’s truly an honor.”

Smiling bashfully, Normani shook her head. “No, it’s my pleasure. When my team told me I’d be coming on here today just a few weeks ago, I nearly lost my shit. Excuse my language,” she laughed.

Dianna threw her head back and let out an obnoxiously loud but contagious laugh. “So tell us where you’ve been lately Normani. I’m sure fans are curious to know what’s to come soon.”

Getting giddy, an adorable smile took over Normani’s face as she edged further off her seat. “Well, I’m working on a new album with my literal idol, Beyoncé,” she shared. The audience erupted in cheers and claps as everyone congratulated her. “I have to pinch myself every morning to make sure it’s not some big crazy dream I’ll just wake up from. I’ve looked up to her since way before I came into the industry and to know that I’ll be working on a whole album with her is just… insane. I’m at a loss for words.”

Her cheeks were slightly hurting from how hard she was smiling, but she couldn’t help it. She was so excited to finally share the news with the public. As the interview went on, Dianna somehow brought the topic of gay rights into the mix questioning Normani’s thoughts on it and bringing up former bandmate, Lauren Jauregui.

“So Normani, it’s been pretty evident that you’re extremely active in the LGBT community,” she started, Normani nodding along as the audience clapped. “A while back while you were in the hit girl group - Fifth Harmony - you had one of your band members come out as bisexual then a few years later announce that she’d finally found herself and was simply hiding behind that label to feel less odd toward society, eventually coming on out and saying she was a lesbian.”

Normani nodded, swallowing harshly at the mention of Lauren. Someone she hasn’t spoken to in quite awhile but still found it in her to smile nonetheless. “Yes, Lauren. I think she was really the one to like, you know wake us all up about gay rights and LGBT rights as a whole while in Fifth Harmony. I always grew up knowing that it was nobody’s place but God’s to judge and I always stuck by that. If you love a woman and you’re a woman, that’s amazing. God made you who you are for a reason, you know? If you were a man who loves another man, that’s amazing too. If you were born male but really are female, phenomenal,” Dianna gave Normani her full attention along with the audience as everyone stopped and listened.

“I think it’s not so much as being who you are but embracing it. There are so many people who have a hard time embracing who they are, Lauren having being one of them. We found out as a group of her interest in females the same time the public did and while it wasn’t all that much of a shock,” the audience laughed. “I guess it kind of was actually. There’s always that first initial shock to something you feel that you’ve always known but never knew that’d you’d be spot on. You know what I mean?” Pausing, Normani sighed. “We still knew that she needed our full on support and that’s exactly what most of us gave her right off the bat.

“As I’ve gotten older, I’ve started to stand more and more firmly by my belief of gay people are born into and belong to every society in the world. They’re literally all ages, races, faiths, etc. They’re doctors, teachers, farmers and bankers, soldiers and athletes. They’re everywhere. And whether we know it, or whether we acknowledge it, they are our family, friends and neighbors. As much as people choose not to believe it, being gay isn’t some sort of western invention. It’s a human reality.

"I like to believe that our journey isn’t complete until our gay brothers and sisters are treated like anyone else under the law - because if we are truly equal, then we as a nation, as a society, as people, should understand that the love we commit to one another must be equal.

"And I’m sorry for the mouthful here but you guys, it literally takes no compromise to give people their rights… it takes no money to respect the individual. It takes no political deal to give people freedom. It takes no survey to remove repression. I think the best day in society will be when we no longer talk about being gay or straight. It’s not a gay wedding, it’s just a fucking wedding. It’s not a gay marriage, it’s a fucking marriage. Period.

"What people choose to do in their own homes is their business. And they can choose to love whoever they love. That’s their business, don’t make it your own. They aren’t personally affecting your everyday life, so why must you affect their own? What? Someone being different is too much of a threat to you? It’s really like… wow,” she let out a humorless chuckle.

“I mean, if anybody can find someone to love them and to help them through this difficult thing we call life, then I support that in any shape or form and so should you. There are people who’ve said that I’m being brave for being openly supportive of gay marriage, gay adoption, gay rights and LGBT rights as a whole… but with all due respect, I humbly dissent. I’m not being brave. I’m being a decent fucking human being. Love is a human experience, not a political statement and it’s sad so many individuals still don’t get that. At the end of the day, gay rights are human rights. There is no separation.”

Normani took a deep breath as everyone stayed silent for a moment before everyone in the audience stood to their feet, clapping and cheering, Dianna joining. She smiled. Before Dianna could speak she said one last thing, “And I’m glad to be someone apart of something as beautiful as the LGBT community. As my old closest friend once said, she was a bisexual Cuban-American and she was so damn proud of it. Well world, I’m a lesbian African-American and I am so fucking proud of it.”

***

“I did it,” she breathed as she wrapped her arms around the tall blonde. “I can’t believe I actually fucking did it.”

Dinah smiled down at her girlfriend, bringing their lips together in a soft kiss. “I’m really proud of you baby girl…” she trailed off.

Normani backed away with a frown. “What’s wrong?”

Dinah sighed, running a hand through her messy blonde waves. “I think Mila is in trouble… and I need your help finding Ally and Lauren.”

***

“Jauregui, you got some visitors!” Janelle yelled from outside the studio door. I frowned as I stood from my seat.

Walking out towards the main opening doors, I looked around but saw no one. Turning towards Janelle, I held my arms out in confusion. “Where?”

Pointing behind me, she raised both eyebrows. When I turned around, my heart sunk to my feet. What the hell? As I faced the three ladies before me that I haven’t seen in almost four years, a deep frown set itself on my lips.

“Hey Lauren…”

I stood in silence. Shaking my head and blinking a few times, I looked back up expecting to see a different set of people, thinking my eyes were simply fucking with me. When I came face to face with the same three faces, I felt the panic set in.

“What are you guys doing here?” I asked in shock as my heartbeat sped up.

My former closest friend from the three stepped up, her dark eyes giving me a look of uncertainty as she glanced behind me towards Janelle and everyone else who happened to be around. “We have to talk to you privately,” she spoke lowly, reaching for my hand which I instantly moved away.

I shook my head as a disbelieving laugh fell from my lips, “What happened to "Lauren I think it’s best if we all stay away from you and the girls” huh?“ I found my voice raising and could feel the eyes of my co-workers on us.

"Lauren, please can we just talk to you where there isn’t so many people,” the shortest of the three pleaded. My eyes instantly softened when they met her own. She was probably the only one I could never go off on. She looked around before motioning for me to bend down. Furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, I bent down slightly. “It’s about Camila…” she whispered.

***

I shook my head, refusing to believe what I was reading. Fuck no. “Someone is fucking with us and I know exactly who it is,” I mumbled out as tears clouded my vision. How could Tori do such a thing?

Dinah looked at me with wide eyes. “Lauren nobody is messing with us. It’s Mila. She’s alive.”

I glared at her. “No the fuck she isn’t! I just worked with a client from Yakutat, Alaska. She was so fucking adamant about learning everything there is to my personal life. I told her all about the group, the girls and Camila’s death. She’s probably just a crazy old fan trying to fuck with my emotions.”

The room fell quiet before Ally spoke quietly. “Okay if that were true though, why would she contact Dinah? How would she even find Dinah’s number? Wouldn’t she just contact you?”

“Don’t you guys get it? Everyone has been fucking with us since she died. Remember when harmonizers use to send us random fucking letters to our P.O. BOX claiming to be Camila and saying she was in danger. They found her remains you guys… she’s dead. Okay? It’s impossible for a dead person to magically be alive.” I hated this. I hated feeling this way. Why would someone go out of their way to make me relieve my worst nightmare?

Normani spoke, “Lauren I get your hesitation but she gave us an address and everything. How would the fans know about Lola? They only know that she abused Camila and thinks that she got locked up years ago. Remember, her team covered up her death by saying she was in a plane crash.”

“Plus she called me Cheech,” Dinah added.

I shook my head. I wasn’t buying any of this. Why are they so quick to believe everything? Clearly nothing’s changed. “You guys should just go back to wherever you came from. Everyone knew you and Camila called each other Chancho and CheeChee. That’s a known Fifth Harmony fact and anyone who knew of our group would know that. And look at the big ass coincidence that she happens to be in Yakutat, Alaska. Same place that girl I just worked with is from. The city barely has 700 people so you can’t say it’s common. Within those 700 random individuals, are you seriously trying to convince me that Camila is somehow apart of that? Bullshit. I’m telling you, she’s just fucking with us. If Camila was alive, I would know,” I paused shaking my head as I thought back to Tori’s best friend, ‘Karla.’ “God, I’m so fucking stupid. She even made up a fake best friend named Karla.”

Everyone paused as they glanced at me. “The person you met said they had a best friend named Karla?” Ally asked. I nodded slowly, raising an eyebrow at her. Ally, Normani and Dinah all shared a look before Ally walked over to me, her tiny arms wrapping around me. “I know you don’t want to get your hopes up by thinking that Camila just may be out there, in danger, needing our help,” she paused as she sighed. “But, I don’t think whoever that person was played you. Maybe… she knows Camila but doesn’t know that it’s your Camila?”

I scoffed. “I don’t know who’s supplying you guys your drugs, but you may wanna find someone else because you’re all fucking losing it. Camila. Is. Dead. And Tori Kelly is a pathological liar.”

***

After sending my former bandmates on their way, I pulled my phone out as the tears flooded my vision once again. This is why I don’t let people in.

Lauren - 12:42 PM: Are you happy? Proud of yourself? Does it make you feel better? Sleep at night peacefully?

Lauren - 12:43 PM: You know, I’m really not sure what’s more fucked up. The fact that I actually saw you as a possible friend or the fact that you were here for almost two weeks and pretended to not know that my dead wife was Camila Jauregui or mostly known as Camila Cabello.

Lauren - 12:43 PM: You’re a fucked up person. How the fuck do you do shit like that? Do you enjoy causing people pain?

Lauren - 12:44 PM: No wonder you wanted to get close to me. You’re fucking crazy. Just stay out of my life and stop giving my old bandmates hope that Camila may still be alive because she’s not, okay? You know that. I’m sure you’ve had your fun to toy around and fuck with peoples emotions but just fuck off now.

I went to hit the block button when my phone started to buzz, Tori’s name coming up on display. Hitting on ignore, I proceeded to attempt to block again but it started buzzing once again.

Letting out a huff of annoyance, I answered, holding the phone up to my ear. “What the fuck do you want? You already had your fun right? Fuck. Off.”

“Lauren, what are you talking about?” I laughed at her attempt to play dumb.

“Just give it up Tori! You had your fun. You got to me. You somehow got to my former bandmates as well, so please just–”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about Lauren, I swear to God. You just randomly started blowing up my phone completely going batshit crazy on me. I haven’t done anything to you.”

I paused at the genuine confusion I heard in her voice before shaking my head. She wanted me to believe she knew nothing. She’s messing with me again. “Just stay out of my life.”

With that, I hung up.

***

Tori stared down at her phone. She was frozen. She didn’t know what to say and or do. She sat in her office chair for a few seconds, her brain not being able to process what had just happened in such a short time span. Snapping out of it, she immediately headed for messages on her phone.

Tori - 11:57 AM - i really don’t know what i did. can you please just explain and i’ll leave you alone, i swear. if you don’t wanna be friends anymore just let me know and i’ll go.

Staring down at her phone, she bit her bottom lip nervously. She could feel the tears pricking at the corner of her eyes.

Lauren - 11:59 AM: I’m blocking you.

Tori - 11:59 AM: wait no please

Tori - 11:59 AM: please tell me what’s happening

Tori - 12:00 PM: please

The three dots in the bubble that indicated Lauren was typing came and disappeared several times. Tori grew nervous as each minute passed by.

Lauren - 12:23 PM: You are really into this playing dumb shit, huh? In case you’ve forgotten your own actions, you not only fucked with me the entire time you were in California, but you had the fucking nerve to stalk on some Great Dane shit and find my former bandmates phone number telling her Camila was still alive. If you were a fucking fan of Fifth Harmony, you could have said something. For nearly two weeks, you pretended to befriend me, pretended that you knew nothing about my late wife. Did you know that all of my former bandmates that I haven’t seen in almost four years all flew out to Los Angeles because they were convinced there was a chance of Camila being alive. But we both know there’s not.

Lauren - 12:25 PM: Oh wow and you made up a best friend named Karla who coincidentally has the same first name as Camila, huh? Then you text Dinah on some unknown number telling her that you’re in Yakutat, Alaska in “danger” with Lola. You’re a fucking joke.

Lauren - 12:28 PM: I have only one question for you Victoria. Why? Why would you purposely make someone relieve the pain of someone who died? What if I played some fucked up prank on you telling you that your dad was still alive? Honestly just go to hell.

As Tori read the messages over and over, she tried to make sense of what was going on. Lauren’s words hurt her more than she wanted to admit. Her heart was slowly breaking as the harsh words sunk deeper and deeper. Thumbs trembling, she began typing, hoping and praying that she wasn’t blocked yet.

Tori - 12:37 PM: i’m very sorry for whatever’s currently happening lauren but i did not message your old bandmates and lead them to think your wife was still alive. i didn’t even know the name of the band you use to be in until these last messages. you never even told me your wife’s name

Tori - 12:39 PM: i can’t blame you for your suspicions. you’ve met the first person ever from yakutat, alaska and now someone is telling you that your dead wife is in danger there to my understanding of what you’ve said. but i didn’t make anything up. i really like you and i don’t want you to think that i’m messing with you because i swear and cross my heart, hope to die that i am not

Tori - 12:40 PM: karla is a real person. my best friend. i didn’t make her up. i wasn’t a fan of fifth harmony. i really didn’t even know what that was until again, you mentioned it. all you ever told me was that you were in a band with four other chicks and you spilt up in late 2016 and married one of them

Tori - 12:42: i’m really sorry for the misunderstanding and i get if you don’t wanna talk to me anymore. i’m sorry. i won’t bother you anymore

After sending her messages, she waited for a reply. An hour to be exact but it never came. Within the last hour of her awaiting Lauren’s reply, she read the messages over and over, crying softly to herself. She hated feeling like she was hurting someone. Her first time out of the state and she’s already made enemies with someone she really liked as a person.

Putting her phone down on her desk, she decided to call it a day. Packing up her belongings, she made her way over to her boss’s office and knocked on the glass door. She could already tell the light makeup she wore was smeared from her crying but she couldn’t find it in her to care. She just wanted to go home. Dustin Harrison, the on floor boss for the day at Tori’s workplace shut his laptop and smiled up at the curly headed blonde before frowning. “Hey Tor– what’s wrong?” He asked, cutting off his greeting.

Tori sighed to herself, shaking her head. “Nothing Dus. Can I please take the rest of the day off? I’m not feeling too well,” she mumbled.

Dustin nodded immediately, pulling out a slip of paper, signing it and handing it to Tori. “No problem darlin’. Just come in when you’re feeling better, okay?”

Times like these were when she was really thankful for the understanding staff at her workplace. Maybe she could visit Karla later and rant. That is if Lola’s head ass lets her.

***

“Tori, what’s the matter? You haven’t touched your food at all,” Laura asked with a sigh. She had dropped her fork onto her plate and set her glass of wine down as she gazed at her daughter who had been aimlessly staring off into space the last fifteen minutes.

Tori glanced at her mom before resuming her stare into space. “Nothing Ma, just not hungry.”

Tori could barely find any form of energy to engage in small talk with her mother since she got home from work a few hours ago. Lauren had still not replied only this time, read her message. She was pretty sure she was blocked by now. She just lost a friend over something she didn’t even do and to say it was affecting her would be an understatement.

Laura shook her head. “Now Victoria, is lying to me really a good idea?”

Sighing, she looked down as the first tear fell. “I messed up Ma,” she breathed out.

Laura gave her daughter a look of confusion. “How?”

She took a deep breath. “Do you remember when I went to Los Angeles to record that demo for Karla’s birthday?” She started. Laura nodded. “Well, I met this girl there. Her name is Lauren. Everything I ever recorded there, she helped me on. We became friends over the time I was there and we started to talk everyday. So much so that she got really worried when I didn’t text her back after I landed for a few hours because I forgot.

"When I was there, she told me some things about her. Like how she use to be in a group called Fifth Harmony with four other girls. In Fifth Harmony, she dated and ended up marrying and having two kids with one of the members after the group break up in 2016,” she paused, her heartbeat picking up its pace. “She also told me that in 2019, her wife died and she was left to raise a two and a one year old at the time on her own.

"Everything has really been a blur, but long story short, when I came back everything was good up until today. She texted me and she was pissed. She started accusing me of messing with her bandmates and her–”

“What? How?” Laura interrupted. Tori gave her mom a look and the raven haired woman put her hands up in surrender. “Okay, okay. Sorry, continue.”

“Anyways like I was saying, she was accusing me of messing with her and her bandmates. Apparently someone texted one of her old bandmates telling them that Camila - her supposedly dead wife - was alive and in danger. This person posing as Camila apparently. She thinks it’s me now because the person said that she was in danger, here, in Yakutat, Alaska and she just met me and I’m from Yakutat, Alaska. She thinks I’m just some weird old fan who got close to her just to prank her like this.

"She said that’s why I was all up in her business. But Ma, I swear I didn’t do anything like that. I didn’t even know of Fifth Harmony until she started going off on me and I didn’t even know what her wife’s name was either up until she texted me those things. How could I just up and do something so elaborate when I just met her a week and a half ago? She barely told me anything about her personal life except for those things.

"Then she told me I faked having a best friend named Karla because her wife - Camila’s - first name is Karla. She just blamed everything on me, told me she was blocking me and to never talk to her again. I explained that it was a misunderstanding and that I haven’t done anything but she never replied and I don’t know what to do Ma. I really like her and she wants nothing to do with me. She probably thinks I’m some crazy bitch.”

When Tori finished, she wiped away the few tears of frustration that had fallen during her explanation. Laura stood up and extended her hand out to her daughter. Tori looked up at her mom in confusion. “What are you doing mom?”

“C'mon, lets go look up Fifth Harmony and see why this girl is so adamant about you messing with her.”

***

“I never met that girl, but by those messages, I doubt she did this Lauren,” Ally spoke as she took the glass of wine I had poured for her into her small hands.

Its been a few hours since my former bandmates decided to involve themselves into my life for the first time in years with their crazy assumptions that Camila may still be alive. I don’t care what they say, Camila’s dead. I saw her body parts. I saw the DNA results from the autopsy. I saw it all. She’s dead. And the sooner we all come to terms with that, the sooner they can move along and continue ignoring my daughters and I’d very existence.

I thought I had sent them on their way and they’d book a flight to return to where they needed to be, but they somehow found where I lived and invited themselves over. I just wanted them to leave before the new sitter arrived with the girls. After what happened with Lucy, I didn’t trust her around them for awhile.

Sighing, I ran a hand through my hair. “You guys, please. I cannot stress this enough. I’m tired of this. Camila’s gone. Alright? She’s dead. Please just drop this all. Tori is just a delusional former fan pulling a cruel prank.”

Dinah stood up from her place on my barstool, pacing back and forth. Suddenly stopping, the Polynesian stared at all of us with watery eyes. This was obviously affecting her way more than necessary. Dinah didn’t need to get her hopes up. If Camila was alive, I’m sure I would know. This was not the time to open up a can of emotions. Because once it opened, I wouldn’t be able to care for my daughters. Camila would have wanted me to stay strong for them and not fall into traps set up by sick people.

“What if it’s not a prank? Huh, Jauregui? What if your wife, the love of your life, the mother of your children is truly alive? What if you’re just so blinded by this wall of self protection you have up that you can’t even see that every minute we waste, Camila may be getting hurt and actually killed by the crazy bitch?!

"I know you don’t want to believe something just to get let down. I know that happened so many times after her death and we all believed it time and time again. But I don’t think someone would randomly just up and do this so many years later. Lauren, please. Camila could-”

I suddenly found myself shouting at the top of my lungs as tears filled my eyes. “Enough Dinah!” My hands shook as Ally and Normani stopped what they were doing to stare at me as Dinah shrunk back slowly. This is what I didn’t want. This is what makes me weak. I can’t be weak for my daughters. I can’t be weak for myself. I just couldn’t. “Camila is gone. Alright? She’s gone. Shes not coming back, she’ll never come back. You wanna know why? Because she’s dead. Dead people don’t make a r-reappearance,” my voice cracked as realization hit me for the first time in years. My wife is dead. I’d never get her back. The familiar aching that I haven’t felt in so long soon returned to the center of my chest as the room started to close in around me. I felt like I couldn’t breathe.

Normani was the first to get up and come to my side, followed by Dinah and Ally. “Okay Lo. Okay. We’ll stop, just breathe, alright? Please calm down.”

Moments after catching my breath, I shoved the three women off of me. My knees felt weak, my head throbbing with an upcoming migraine. “Let this go and leave. Luna and Lana won’t be reintroduced to you just for you guys to walk away again. Go back to wherever you came from,” I spat out, my green eyes glaring holes into each of them.

The three of them shared looks of defeat before gathering their things and heading towards the door. Just as Dinah went to open it, Ally turned around and walked back over to me. She wrapped her tiny arms around me, not caring if I didn’t hug back as she whispered in my ear. “I know it’s scary to think of the possibilities, but don’t completely rule them out. Because I believe there is a God. And the God that I worship isn’t so cruel as in to let us all be toyed with like this after so many years. I believe that Mila is alive. And we’re going to find her, with or without your help,” pulling away she looked at me with tear filled eyes. “Even if this is all one big prank, even if this is all one big joke to someone, trying never hurt. Because without effort, there’d be no faith. And with no faith, then what are we as human beings?”

I felt my mouth hang open slightly, at a loss for words. Shaking my head and closing my mouth, I stepped back. By now Dinah and Normani had both come back over as the three of them stared at me expectantly. “So…?” Normani trailed off, the three women awaiting my reply.

***

Bringing her fist up to knock on the door, she shifted from side to side impatiently, glancing around. When the door opened and she came face to face with the familiar hazel eyes, she spoke quickly. “They know that Camila is alive.”

Hazel eyes turned to slits as she dragged the woman inside before shutting the door. “What the hell do you mean by "they know” Janelle?“ She hissed out, anger coursing her body.

Janelle shook like a leaf under the harsh, murderous gaze of Lola.

***

a/n: im so sorry for the late update. because of that i made this chapter extra long and divided it into two parts. the next part is gonna be so… just wow lmao. so double update for y'all. i’ll post that after seeing the feedback on this one.

please make sure to comment and vote. to my tumblr readers, please visit my wattpad @ wthbello to see when i upload the second half of this part. please answer chapter questions below if you’re a wattpad reader.

what do you think about lauren accusing tori?

what do you think tori and her mom will find out?

how do you feel about this chapter overall?

what do you think of janelle?

do you think lauren will try to go along with finding camila?

how do you feel about laurens initial reaction?

thank you so much for reading. i really, really, really, really, reeeeaaaalllllyyyyy, hoped you enjoyed it. please let me know if i should go ahead and post part two of this chapter or have yall just forgotten about this book? lmao.

once again, make sure to comment and vote. answer those end of the chapter questions too. lmao (:

ALSO DONT WORRY NORMANIS COMING OUT IN THE BEGINNING WILL SOON BE UTILIZED A FEW CHAPTERS IN. IT WASNT JUST FOR SHOW.

one last thing, i wanna address the whole laucy situation momentarily. if one of my readers happens to be apart of the group of people who harasses lucy, who comments endless lines of "camren is real” under any of their posts, who deliberately tries to hurt anyone lauren or camila have gotten close to, this is a giant fuck you to you. please hop the fuck off my page.

there’s nothing more disgusting than a group of people who intentionally try to hurt others for - as lauren would put it - their own sick pleasure. people romanticize gay ships these days and its kind of creepy. obsessing over two people who have told you time and time again that something isn’t real is crazy af. sure i write camren and yes i do ship them. but im also respectful of their wishes as human beings. im respectful of the fact that the things i read and write is nothing but fictional and should stay that way. im respect of the fact that they are two grown women trying to get through life as individuals and create their own individual relationships.

please, i am begging you, give it a rest. camren isn’t alive. never has been and never will be. its a fantasy that fans have made up. thats not a problem. everyone has the right to feel a certain way towards something, but forcing it onto someone? hurting people they love? now that’s a whole new level and it’s unacceptable.

as someone around the girls’ age, (im 20) and pretty much had to grow up at a young age like that, if not younger, i kind of understand in a sense. i was put into the foster system from age 6-16. luckily being adopted in my late teens. i had to grow up hella fast and if in that mix, i had a group of people on my back pairing me with my best friend and saying that we’re dating, we’re fucking on the DL, making up scenarios and theories as to how that person and i could secretly be together, i’d hate my life. i mean, what’s fun in having millions of people intentionally ruin aspects of your life for their own wants?

all im saying is respect lauren and whatever relationship she’ll have with lucy. because ive seen it. ive seen how those two stare at each other and THATS love. not whatever we make up in our heads. those two have been through it all with each other and the least we can do as people who love and care for lauren is respect how she feels towards someone and i hope that one day they can mend their broken relationship and come out the way that they had planned to. come out with zero fucks and unconditional love and happiness towards each other.

if you don’t like that, if you don’t wanna read what i have to write anymore because i choose to respect two individuals and keep my fantasies, fake, then please by all means, unadd this story from your library and never read any of my works again.

thats all i have to say on this matter. i have the utmost respect for lauren and lucy and i wish nothing but goodness and happiness to those two. thats love. whether hard headed camren shippers choose to respect that or not. if you are willing to fuck someone else’s happiness up for your own, you’re a horrible person and fuck you. goodbye.

don’t forget to follow me (;

sorry if that rant or this chapter as a whole made no sense. english isnt my first language and i tend to fuck up a lot when it comes to writing it. anyways thanks for reading.

ellianna, xxxxxxx

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i am sad today. i dont want to be sad and i dont like sadness but im aware that being sad is part of the process and not being sad at all would be unhealthy so i’m trying to be an appropriate amount of sad. i have a lingering stress headache and i cant seem to smoke enough (could be correlated lbr) but im still not dieing (except from the heat, which is pretty unbareable.) 

i want to talk to somebody about it but i cant and when i do they have their own totally made up judgements that have nothing to do with the evidence of the time we personally spent together.

and im not like trying ot hold up my life for him - i did what i could today which may not have been “enough” but i ate and cleaned and did a bit of work on my projects. im sad its not more. overall.

today i am having glimpses of what i wanted and some subconcious answers are coming to the surface after asking questions i didnt have the answers to right away. is he thinking of me? if he is - is it just the same? is it just stuck in his own world of whats right an wrong to him right now? or is it anything else? 

i love him because he has the same kind of ideas and values and morals that i have, some of which i dont have the capacity to live right now. not that i want a hundred wives and husbands. and i dont know if we mesh on his version of polamory and i dont know if i mesh with the real version.

but our views on society and how things make us feel are similar. in some ways i feel like hes alone in the world s much as i am despite the people he has. but maybe im projecting. he acts out the feelings i have many times, when i dont have the energy or security to do it. we enjoy the same kind of foods, alot of the same kind of music, movies, a desire for knowledge, an open mind, a sense of adventure, going with the flow. im known for kind of just thinking of something and making it hapen and he tries. 

i wanted a life together with this. i guess maybe in the future if i met someone else that was like this maybe i’d want them too? and like i feel like maybe in some ways - in some, i dont know. its all so complicated. but my history - “i can see myself with anyone - female or male, in a non sexual relationship forever.” i feel like this is an unusual way that isnt necessarily common but perhaps one scenario it could work in some way? i’m just trying to get one. just one. i’m not concerned with other ones and i think my way of seeing it is way deeper because it wouldnt be like a super active thing i would do. like i wouldnt seek people out to add to my life and fit in this idea i have. i would just live and if i happened on someone maybe it would work. but just one would be totally fine with me and i cant even find just one. 

what would i have done with him? in my dream life scenario where do we end p, what am i doing and why is it different? i just.. i think maybe this is another similarity where i have this really stubborn belief that i never had to fulfill an entire investment because he never did but he uses it as one of the reasons it doesnt work. but like i’m taking on this huge obligation in my dream to change my daily life that i’ve never actually been capable of doing before even when i was being given what i wanted. and with my shitty ex my excuse was that i didnt want to come back to live with his behavior. which is not a great excuse at all for not getting a job. its not. 

but i guess in my dreams i overcome all my bullshit for him and we set off packed up and maybe i’d have sacrificed my cats and eased my worries and concerns a bit and let go of my past. we’d have a great adventure across the country, deepening our relationship before settling into this new life. id embrace the change and find some menial job to make him proud and contribute to our unit. id support him and love him and care for him as we worked towards his goal of his own land / farm where we’d work to live off the land and have a more simple life. 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. i guess its like really fantasy land ideas i had here. especially when its him in my dream. i’m upset that i know that these days apart doesnt add to positivity and will only make it hard and akward on the goodbye, changing nothing. the more time goes by with zero communication what so ever the more i feel like maybe it’s just entirely over and i guess lucky for him i have no desire like i usually do to attempt to salvage anything because hes ultimately leaving. why try and salvage a relationship thats not going to exist anyways no matter what you say or do 48 hours before the ultimate decision? 

i love gardening and making my own things and animals and cooking and just being like a very basic human being who doesnt drive a fancy car or go to fancy institutions of works 9-5 jobs. and like i get that i can make this happen fo rmyself and i can work towards it myself and maybe thats a lesson i can take from this that i discovered what i would rather sincerely do and i can find someone else walking this road too. but i really wanted to feel like i had a piece of it solidified before i sacrificed so much of myself and well being for something i thought could happen with this person. like i think both of us have valid points but in the end he could have not bought me frivolous things and expected me to pay for them myself when i was looking for a reason to save for a better life. i dont want to do that and i wouldnt do it? i was just never given anything. 

i feel the way i do though because i realized what i might want in life and it was like almost there and i could have maybe had it if i were a different person and wanted even more different things and i’m sad about it. kind of like how i bring up my ex asking me to marry him. to me that was like we were already engaged. it proved that someone was willing to spend their life with me and although i didnt take it sometimes i think like fuck i was so close. if only i just did this and this and let this go and bent for this i couldve had what ive wanted. 

i hate my investment being trivialized like when he says maybe if i had more in life id not want to spend as much time with him. but my investment was him and i guess alot of it was proving that i had what it takes to succeed in certain areas of life but i failed in others. but then - i was constantly proving myself which in itself makes for a bit of a fake relationship and unbalanced because according to him i was never actually worthy because i dont want his craziness. and i guess hes right. 

i hate that hes not thinking about me and what we couldve had. i congratulate myself for not reminding him. next level in maturity for me. our life couldve been stable and cute and simple. selfish and selfless. the characters we couldve become, the partnership that would be infamous. i’m so angry that i cant have that. i’d grow flowers on our farm and be an independent local floral designer, planning wedding and craft fairs, participating in farmers markets with the food we grew while he took odd carpentry jobs. and id take that whatever job when i landed, you know? becuse i’d want this and i’d know that i can finally have it if i just put in a bit of work for it and im surrounded by people i love. 

its like .. he wont rent an apartment here because its a “waste”. he doesnt want to “live here”. so why would i put in peripherial work when this isnt where i want tobe and it doesnt get me to where i want to go? 

but maybe its me. maybe its not. i think ive grown. when i was younger i wanted this punk shack with my ex. i could really picture it in my mind - we would have this open concept kitchen lined with beer and liquor bottles from all our awesome parties where people played guitar and sang all night and it would be messy but cute and we’d struggle but it’d be like part of the “game” of “surviving” and it wouldnt be a big deal and it’d be more like we’d just embrace it.

that of course never happened. we never had a party. not once. he sat playing video games on a thrift store couch while i made food and did chores and he went to work and i guess i just laid around and acted like i was doing something. 

maybe its all for the best.

im sad hes not thinking about me. im sad he doesnt believe in even a piece of my dream. im sad i have to start over.