#also it was really really hard not to be cheeky and self-referential

[holofoiltowercard]

The Journey of The Tarot Haiku

XV: The Devil - Bound, Unbound

It's kind of funny that we have gone from me talking about the practical aspects of the book project in earlier posts, to entering a world of abstracts and states of mind later on, but it honestly reflects super well on how the Major Arcana itself goes from the more tangible to the abstract and beyond. Today's post is also in this more abstract domain, because there are aspects of this process that stuff like Tarot or self-publishing guides won't cover, such as how it feels to genuinely release something into the wild, out of your hands, how hard it can be to grapple for control in an environment that you have little to no control over, and how much effort it takes to let go of the urge or compulsion to do everything by yourself.

First, the release of the finished work. I actually did not have as much trouble with this one as I thought I might, but I'm a perfectionist at heart and I bet there are perfectionists out there who keep holding onto their finished manuscripts, tweaking the smallest things day by day desperate on making it all perfect and in the process only growing more anxious and wanting to hold onto it until it is practically gathering dust because... what if it's not good enough? What if you are not good enough? That is basically what's at the heart of it. We can be too hard on ourselves and nitpick ourselves to pieces where others might simply take a deep breath and let go. So to everyone who is holding onto something they know in their heart is finished and waiting to be shared: go for it. You know you have put enough care and careful consideration into it already. Have faith. Pull a Tarot card if you have to.

Second, the online world is vast and you do not have control over the grander processes and especially other people. Even when you follow the advice of the successful and advertise the "right" way in the "right" places, build up your brand and your presence and sell your soul on social media or whatever else is expected of us, you have no control over whether people will actually give you a chance, let alone give you money. And if you're like me and feel desperate because life has been hard enough, maybe you're sat there anxious and thinking, if I just make one more post, if I edit one more image and do this and that and the other thing minute by minute, maybe something will budge. Not to be cheeky and referential here, but that is literally the Devil talking. You don't have nearly as much control as you think, and trying to micromanage everything when the macro processes are nigh untouchable will drive you insane.

So, you have to let go somehow. And this is where I have been desperate enough once again to just give a listen to anything that could get me there. I found the following things helpful.

1) Joe Dispenza's book and meditation Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself. I have already read most of the book a while ago, but now I tried the meditation, and it felt really liberating. Basically he talks about really sitting with bad habits like worrying, letting anger or resentment stagnate, identifying what these feel like in your body, and then consciously replacing these habits with a strong feeling or gratitude. It gave me a lot of food for thought and made me conscious of how I can help my body get out of panic mode.

2) The question "What if?" I got this from Sheevaun Moran. As soon as you start worrying about say, worst case scenarios, and I worried about those quite a lot, ask yourself, "But what if..." and put a positive in there - because the thing is, you don't know yet what is coming, nothing has happened yet, so channeling your focus towards a positive outcome not only feels better but lessens the anxiety. Example - "They might hate the book or not care at all..." "But what if they love it so much they want to do an interview about it?"

3) Drawing a daily Tarot card to take action. This one is from Leeza Robertson, she suggested that when you draw a daily Tarot card, you should sit with that card for longer and think of three actions you could do today based on that card's message. I used to do daily draws, but most of the questions suggested for it, such as "What do I need to know about today?" or "What is the energy of today?" simply didn't compute to me, so they weren't helpful to me personally. This one however, gave better direction and I want to keep doing it.

4) Literally just look at new things. Listen to a new video, try something different. You never know where inspiration or useful tips will come from. Not all of it will be useful, don't expect every new thing to bring you tremendous insight and enlightenment, but give different things a chance to see how they resonate. Keep an open mind, because open minds embrace freedom. This way you're also not just sitting there desperately waiting for developments, you are engaging with the world and enriching your soul.

5) Trust the universe. This is part of that meditation I mentioned, too. Remember that you are one person, and you don't have to do everything by yourself. Leave some of that background work to the universe. Do your little steps every day and allow the energy to work for you and move things for you. Trust that there is love in this world and that there is a Source that loves you dearly and wants you to succeed, and keep fostering that feeling of gratitude that also helps you cement the idea that there are good things happening right now, and there will be more. Trust the universe and let it do the things you cannot touch and control by yourself. If you can get to this point, it literally feels like weight coming off your shoulders.

Love you all. Take care. Be free.

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Buy the hardcover

[liatai]

Author commentary because getting into Linda's head was actually kind of fun for this! Also because there were things I pictured while writing this that our autistic narrator (with the on-the-nose self-referential name :P) just plain didn't notice. Linda's not necessarily a bad person! She just craves the social spotlight and attention, and learned that this act was a good way to get it. Hopefully she joins a theater club or something to learn other ways to get eyes on her. X3

The hot-stove act is something Linda pulls when she's having a hard time getting a cold read on someone. Note that she never actually says what she "picked up on" from Leah (much to Leah's annoyance! XP "Come on, will you stop beating around the bush already?!"). She's probing, trying to provoke more emotional reactions or statements that she can build from. She's never really interacted with neurodivergent folks like this before, though, and thus has a very hard time reading how we express ourselves! From Linda's perspective, Leah is giving her nothing to go on, and is getting frustrated with Leah's "poker face."

"Often times, it's lust" -- she's leaning over the table and doing that cheeky down-the-collar boob-peek thing. Trying to flirt and sound inviting. Yeah, she's a bit of a disaster of a lesbian too. X3

Rage and sorrow? She's trying to see if Leah has a reaction to any of those being brought up. Leah did actually have a reaction to "rage," thinking "maybe she's reading my protective instincts flaring up as anger," but Linda didn't pick up on that fact. Leah's "and?" was prompting to see if Linda had anything more concrete to go on than a general "anger" thing. But the fact Linda switched tracks, feeling around for unexpressed sorrow, confirmed to Leah that yeah, Linda's just spitballing and casting lines into the air hoping for a bite. :B

Leah offering her hands on the table to hold was the last data point that clinched things solidly in her brain. If the problem really was skin-to-skin contact causing sensory overload of any kind, then Linda would probably have trepidation about initiating such an unpleasant experience again. Instead, she eagerly grabbed hold in an attempt to create social intimacy. Yeah, that clinched it to Leah, Linda's spouting BS.

Leah knows there's a lot about the world she doesn't know, and hey, maybe there are actually empaths out there! She's trying to be considerate. Sensory overload is a bitch, and she knows that full well. She's trying to offer Linda a safe space to recover and collect herself, at the start. But then it becomes more and more clear she's faking. I actually was tempted to toss a touch of the fantastic in there and have Leah know an actual empath, but decided to leave it vague. I do like to think that if real empaths exist in their world, though, she's seen one have a reaction to someone having sensory issues before and knows how to handle it. X3

You’re meeting the friend of a friend for the first time, who’s apparently an empath. When they shake your hand, they immediately rip their hand away from you.

[angst-fairygodmother]

@ficsandcatsandficsandcats since this is a part 2 of your request I’m tagging you in it. I give up on trying to reblog it onto its original post; this blue hellsite wins. A/N: “*Cries in Douche Prince*” you say? Well, part two is more prince than douche I think, but we all know Valdo is a soft, goopy marshmallow deep, deeeeeeep down. Word Count: 1770

“We could egg the place?” Valdo suggested as he buttered a slice of toast.

“That would make it my problem too,” you rolled your eyes, pouring yourself a cup of tea.

“We could egg her car?” He reached around you to grab the milk, shoulder bumping yours jokingly.

“She doesn’t have a car. She takes the bus or carpools everywhere. Or gets me to drive.”

“I’ll hide in the bushes and egg her on her way to her next date with this guy.” He gestured at you with a jam-covered spoon as he spoke, grinning like it was the best idea he’d ever had.

“Why do you want to egg someone or something so badly?” you laughed.

“I don’t know. You see it in the movies and it just seems like the thing to do. I’ve always wanted to egg something in revenge. She doesn’t deserve something with effort to get back at her.”

You found yourself glancing up at the ceiling as if asking the universe what you had done to get saddled with such an idiot for a best friend, or worse to be cursed into falling in love with him.

“Fine, no eggs. What’s your idea then?”

“Suffer through the next seven months,” you said scrunching your face in annoyance. “Hope she breaks up with the guy or is willing to be the one to break lease to get away from me.”

“There’s no arguing you out of that is there?” He sighed, sagging against the counter as you shook your head stubbornly. “You deserve better you know.”

“She’s my friend. Things are just weird lately, it’s not…it doesn’t really…she doesn’t mean it.” You cringed at how much your tone sounded like you were trying to convince him, or yourself and even more at the knowing quirk of his eyebrow.

“Let me drive you to work?” he offered, pointedly changing the subject.

You smiled at him. “That’d be great.”

~

You stepped off the bus, feeling better about everything now that you had some distance and walked down the block toward your building. A pile of boxes on the porch made your heart lurch. Deciding to ignore them until you’d had a chance to talk with Karla (and not wanting to pry in case they weren’t your things), you tensed your shoulders and walked past.

When you reached the third floor, you frowned at your door. Something seemed off but you couldn’t quite pinpoint it, until you tried your key and found that it would not fit in the doorknob.

Your fist pounded on the cheerful blue polymer, fuming while you waited. When Karla opened the door, she took one look at your face and stepped out into the hall, arms crossed over her chest defensively.

“What the hell?” you snapped.

“I had the super change the locks,” she said with a shrug.

“Yeah, I got that. Why?”

“This living arrangement isn’t working. And you have like, a higher paying job or whatever so you can find a new place easier than I can. I told you last night that I was going to do it. I figured since you didn’t come back you didn’t care.”

“You can’t just kick me out of our shared apartment and have the locks changed while I’m at work!”

“Well I did. I’ll talk to the leasing company, totally take the blame, if you just…go.”

“You’re being completely unreasonable,” you sighed, all of the anger leaving you in a rush. “Look if you really don’t want to live together we can work something out but can you please let me back in until then?”

“Nope. The boxes downstairs are your clothing and stuff that you probably need sooner than later, and I mean if you want to come by with movers or whatever to get the rest of your stuff that’s cool, just let me know when.”

“Karla, come on.”

She shrugged again. “Sorry, Y/N.”

~

You thought the day could not leave you more shocked, until Valdo came walking around the corner.

“So that’s taking a bus huh?” he asked, shoving his sunglasses back up so they vanished into his messy curls. “Novel.”

“Who are you and what have done with Valdo Marx?” you teased as you carried over the first of your boxes to place in the trunk of your sedan.

“Don’t worry, I hated it and will not be doing that ever again,” he joked back, grabbing a second.

His smile dropped as he saw your lip wobble in barely-contained emotion. Quickly he wrapped you in a hug.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

You scoffed. “I just got kicked out of my apartment and will probably be sleeping in my car until I can find a new one. It doesn’t exactly feel like that right now.”

“Don’t be silly, Y/N. Just move in with me.” He waved it off like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“What?”

“It’s not perfect, I know, but it’s a sight better than being technically homeless.”

“You’re serious?” you stared at him incredulously.

He shrugged. “Yeah, why not. We’ll have to work out a schedule for who gets the bed and who gets the couch, but there are worse arrangements. It’ll be one big sleepover.” He grinned at you as he hefted another box.

“We’re not working out a couch sleeping schedule,” you said, stuffing the last box in and slamming your trunk shut.

“Fine, fine. I shall be a gentleman and let you have the bed.”

“I’m not kicking you out of bed either.” He smirked and waggled his eyebrows at you suggestively and you blushed at your accidental innuendo.

“Guest sleep on couches,” you explained. “This situation is why the term couch-surfing was invented.”

“We’ll fight it out later,” he said, slinging an arm around your shoulder. “It can be our first big roomie argument, which you definitely won’t win. For now, let’s get food.”

“Pizza?” you offered.

“Sounds good. You’re buying.”

You stuck your tongue out and shoved him teasingly. “Jerk.”

~

You felt yourself drifting off as you leaned against Valdo and he belted out all six parts of “Cell Block Tango” (or tried to anyway). You jerked back awake, again, and then heard the sound of a remote clacking onto the coffee table and silence fell over the room.

“Oh, I’m sorry Y/N, am I boring you?” he pouted.

You tried to assure him that of course not but the words blended into a huge yawn.

“I’m sorry Valdo, I know we said marathon and this is only the second movie but…”

“It’s been a long day? You’re a lightweight after two glasses of wine?” he rested his cheek on his fist on his folded knee. “You find me terribly dull?”

You stuck your tongue out at him impishly, mind sleep-fogged enough that you couldn’t formulate an appropriately cutting response, and fought back another yawn.

He chuckled and shook his head ruefully. “Alright, to bed with you. We’ll resume right here in the morning.”

“If I’m going to sleep, you need to leave. Your bony ass is currently occupying half my bed.”

“Excuse me! I am sitting right where I’ll be sleeping and you are going up the hall to the proper one. And I am not bony! It’s called lithe.”

You scowled at him. And then your exhausted mind came up with an idea and you blurted it out before you could think it through.

“You have basically the biggest mattress in existence. There is no reason we can’t sleep together.”

“Watch those words angel,” he said, voice low but with surprising softness. “A less chivalrous man might take them the wrong way.”

“Or the right one,” you muttered, flushing and immediately grateful that he had (at least seemingly) not heard as he busied himself cleaning up from your movie night.

~

After a few minutes of awkward shuffling and blanket sharing negotiation, the pair of you finally settled into the bed together. You found yourself staring at his peacefully resting face in the darkness and had the overwhelming urge to reach out, to bury your fingers in his curls and kiss him and be held by him.

“Valdo?” you whispered, not wanting to wake him but equally unable to contain the feeling.

“Yes, Y/N?” he cracked an eye open with a raised eyebrow to look at you.

You took a deep breath. “Will…will you kiss me?”

You could have cut the silence that fell between you, suffocating and foreboding. Just when you were beginning to think you couldn’t take it anymore, he sighed.

“Y/N, you have no idea how much I want to say yes right now. But,” he reached out to stop you gently when you shifted closer, “it’s been a long day, and you’ve been through a lot and are emotionally vulnerable and I won’t…I can’t,” his voice broke on the word, “when I’m not absolutely sure, for both our sakes, that it’s not just a balm to soothe that ache.”

You felt tears welling up in your eyes as you stared at him, choking up at the gentle passion in his tone as he continued.

“And more than that, I have been drinking and you have had a few glasses and I can hardly think straight with you so close to me and you have always said that we shouldn’t do anything important impaired.”

“It figures,” you interrupted, sighing in mostly mock frustration. “You finally start listening to me at the most inopportune moment.”

“If you ask me that again tomorrow…” he did not want to admit how easily he would surrender to your every request.

“Will you at least hold me then? Please?”

He smiled and pulled you in, tangling around you as if you were built to fit together. The embrace was full of promise for long discussions and change and tenderness. You smiled softly as you buried your face in the hollow of his throat, falling asleep surrounded by his familiar smell and the comforting rhythm of his heartbeat.

If in the morning, you woke up alone and walked out to find him folded awkwardly under a single thin blanket on the couch, in front of an email to an old friend in Transit Authority which contained a promise of an elaborate steak dinner in return for revocation and banning of your ex-roommate’s bus pass, it was a sight so oddly enduring that you would treasure forever. And if he secretly noticed you press ‘send’ before moving to the kitchen to prepare a pancake wake-up call and it warmed his heart, he would certainly never tell.

[2n2n]

I wanted to ask, did you ever see the AidaIro SASUKE tweet?

(Sorry, I am not sure if I can send links in tumblr asks!)

I wish Iro and Aida would do this type of thing more... stuff like hearing how the cast of Hanako would do on a game show is gold!! I need their headcanons NOW.

Anyway, more specifically, I was reading your post about Hanako's smile (and subsequently Amane's unnerving smile) and I was thinking about Amane and remembered this again... Aida and Iro are so damn mean to him, lol. "As usual, amane is useless"... is that really necessary!? (No,yes it is,bully him)

Anyway, I think it's natural to want to bully your characters no matter what, but it makes me think that Amane really IS not as innocent as the fandom seems... it's a bit easier to bully someone who actually deserves it. (And of course I'm just going to point out Tsukasa literally leaving the course entirely, just because I love him and he's great.)

They are so ruthless about Hanako, it's sooo funny!! I have seen this but I love to be reminded (THERE'S TOO MANY TWEETS TO CONSTANTLY CYCLE THROUGH!!) He's their little troublesome guy who is so difficult. I really think western fandom is a bit TOO pitying of him. I LOVE that multiple times they are like, "talk to people!!! FOR ONCE" and, as someone reading this manga, yes, couldn't all conflict be avoided if Amane just explained anything he's thinking ever to anyone. Omfg.

you love how pissy and called out he looks about this..... take your medicine, boy....

feels so cheeky. Ohhhh you don't have any experience..... be a big boy coooome on.

You know what else makes me feel like… this boy isn't… so sacred… is that comic off of the tea party …

oh we can just joke about this Amane, being horny and flustered?? THIS Amane isn't above being depicted as a horny idiot, HE IS NOT SOOO UNBEARABLY SAD HE CAN'T BE HORNY, and this is also our first reveal that Amane has a fetish for the very body part he's constantly mocking Nene for (to me, this is like if you constantly made fun of a girl's fat ass and made her self-conscious of it, but you secretly are an ass guy. Like, it's deplorable of him--!!!! AMANE, AN UNLOVED GIRL WHO NOBODY HAS EVER CRUSHED ON, HAS A COMPLEX, BE NICE!! My first response to this way like, YOU'RE KIDDING ME-- AMANE-- *goes to strangle him* you make fun of her legs defensively because they make you horny??? YOU ARE SO 13)

anyway bullying Hanako is just leveling the playing field isn't it. He bullies everyone else !! AidaIro need to balance out the universe by giving him a hard time firsthand. He's got two angels desperately calling his name and professing their love to him, he can take it, ok. It's also what makes me feel the resolution to all these emotions might be a little humorous in some way. I think it will legitimately be a heartfelt toilet comedy in its own way.

omggg Hanako's VA, Ogata, also once said "Nene has terrible taste in men" … its just, so funny. Everybody call him out.

You know … I will say… sometime I want Bird to help me transcribe/translate a dozen or so of AidaIro's old journal entries and tweets to post in a clump, cuz honestly, Iro …………………………………………… can be kind of a dick to Aida (in a way she clearly is amused by!) so, I kinda think dragging Hanako's fussiness and difficulty and rudeness is a bit.... self-referential, which is why it's so easy to point and laugh at him, and his dramatics? Like man. Iro. Sometimes I'm like, [scandalized] "IRO-SAN….!" I KIND of think Iro really doesn't want to let Hanako get away with anything! I really feel like we're going to peel Hanako apart at the seams and it'll be, in some way, cathartic. An expression of. Something.

OMG also tangent, but Hanako being called useless as always, sometimes I wonder about this vague through line where Hanako is … not as smart as people make him out to be, lol? Like yeah, he'll be useless on this game show … can't beat the Mokke at cards

claims his greatest weakness is a 100pt test

claims his fav class is health/PE

and while it's so common, well, he's bad at writing kanji

… not to put too much stock in it but for some reason he (and his twin...) hold a pencil like a 2 year old. Why?! Lol….

….I'm not so sure Amane ever had it in him to become an astronaut …. it's a little funny a high school teacher is the highest achievement....

[cinecism24-blog]

7/7/17 - Three rewatches from the past week

Run Lola Run is still glorious. Cinecism's boyfriend thinks that Manni and Lola could be alt-universe Honey Bunny and Pumpkin from Pulp Fiction, a headcanon I totally accept. We talked about how Tarantino essentially ruined cinema - because everyone copied him for, like, a decade, and that Run Lola Run was one of the good ones, one of the films responding to that mood and era of cinema that was awesome instead of super derivative.

In general, we watched a good youtube bite about how Wonder Woman did so well because it was sincere, how movies of the last decade or two have been almost afraid of emotion, prefering to be self-referential, bathetic or winking to the audience than wholeheartedly committing to big emotions, the way something like E.T. or Rocky did. They talk about how Joss Whedon is a big part of that trend in super-hero movies, and I agree; but ultimately it's a trend that also goes back to Tarantino, and again, to the detriment of recent cinema.

I STILL HAVE SO MANY HUNGER GAMES FEELING. My heart was in my throat the ENTIRE TIME. What a movie. What a book. Uhhhhhhhh I clearly wasn't going to watch this children's film until a bunch of people I super respect told me i should see it, and I'm still taken aback by 1) the incredible direction, the way he squeezes tension into every scene, and milks the full horror of the situation at every opportunity, especially in the first half of the film which to me is stronger than the actual Games

2) Jennifer Lawrence and her Doctor-Who-companion "looking simultaneously strong and terrified" thing

3) Just generally the decision to have a Clint-Eastwood-like female heroine who is surly, sulky, anti-social, prone to rage, good at killing stuff; and a male protagonist who is good with feelings, people, intuition, being likeable, and painting delicately.

4) I can't get enough of the romantic/stockholmy/fake relationship between Katniss and Peeta. I love how messy and complicit and ??? it is, how much room there is for different readings

5) yah the costume design too: I love the froofy colourful dandy androgyny of the Capitol, but I like also how District 12 is given this American Depression aesthetic. It's a "fantasy film", but they've not chosen to dress them like medieval peasants, it feels modern.

I loved League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when it came out. Be gentle with me, I was like 12, and hadn't seen many other movies at that stage with sexy Victorians sword-fighting-and-flirting in it. Still haven't. The film that launched a thousand fetishes. This film has SO MUCH going for it. Like...

1) Even though Moore was never going to like them Hollywooding it up, there's a core of a great movie here.

2) The costumes are cheap-looking and ahistoric, but nevertheless the design is good and cool

3) lots of really fun decisions. Some good script moments. Connery as Quatermain IS a great choice. Townsend as Dorian hams it up perfectly. Cheeky thief and wibbly drug addict doctor, there's SO MUCH GOING FOR IT.

Somehow they've combined all that promise into a boring, badly paced, unengaging mess. Think how good all those bits could have been with the script talents of, say, the Avengers, the Mummy or the Pirates of the Carribbean.

4) Somewhat inexplicably, I've never been into Steampunk. People often think I am because I love the Victorian age. I think the real Victorians are easily interesting enough without making things up; and I think the choices people make when writing "alternate universe Victoriana" stories are often very conservative and hollow.

They're very...they're very divorced from politics, and while it's not necessary for a story to be political to have worth, still they often lack meaning and weight to me. There are a lot of very punk stories you could tell, especially about working class Victorians or geopolitics, or changing key moments in Victorian history aside from "they have zeppelins now". Lots of challenging, intriguing sci fi. Or a way to turn our modern lens on the Victorian world. If these stories do exist in the genre, they haven’t broken mainstream in any meaningful way.

Steampunk never did well at the cinema - Sky Captain also fell on deaf ears - and I think it's partially because steampunk is not...really...anything of consequence. It's less interesting to history or culture people than real Victorians. It's not interesting to hard SF people, or anyone into the fiction of ideas. It clearly doesn't connect with people who don't like fantasy period. The genre is inherently very hollow.

I am enjoying, say, Penny Dreadful - but that's been careful to market itself as gothic horror, not as steampunk, even though the argument could probably be made.

Also, because this was one of the key films in the genre and - for all that I've seen it like 10 times - it's still shite.