#but billy will forever be stuck at the tender age of 18

[biillys]

thinking about max and her having dark thoughts about billy and living with the guilt of it all when the worst truly did happen to him. 

like it wasn’t her fault and it’s never gonna be her fault but that doesn’t mean it isn’t gonna weigh on her specifically, especially those nights when she can’t sleep or when she has to catch the bus to school instead of getting driven or when she has to make herself dinner becos her mum’s never home now. 

and there’s probably always gonna be a little voice inside her head telling her she got exactly what she wished for. 

that maybe if she was a better sister, maybe if she cared more, maybe if she had done literally anything differently - maybe things wouldn’t have turned out the way they did. maybe billy would’ve survived, maybe he would’ve never been dragged into the mess in the first place.

but none of that happened, and instead he’s dead, and barely anyone even remembers his name, let alone mentions it. 

but then also thinking about how billy probably had similar dark thoughts about max, not necessarily in that context, but like. 

sometimes, on the shitty days, when he was fucking over it; wishing that his dad would just have a go at her, the actual problem, instead of him.

that maybe, instead of pushing him around for bringing her home late - pushing her around instead for being the actual reason they were late. he’s not asking for a fucking hospital visit, but maybe just something to make her fucking understand. 

he knows life isn’t fair, and complaining about it will get him nowhere - but god, sometimes the way she can do no wrong and the way he can only do wrong makes him wanna scream.

and when it finally happens, when he finally comes home one day to a subdued max and a tense neil, he wants to feel relieved. wants to be happy that it's finally both of them getting the full neil treatment, not just him. but instead he just feels guilty, like absolute fucking shit.

he tries to get her to talk to him, to give him a clue on what went down, but she's having none of it. pairs the bruise on her cheek with a miserable mood but doesn't complain once. does the dishes without being told and puts the garbage out even though that's usually billy's job.

billy doesn't sleep that night all. loses his appetite every time he see's the mark on her face.

the 2nd time it happens, billy's there to witness it. doesn't even realise anythings about to happen til it's too late. didn't realise his dad, who's let max run wild with her friends since the second the got to hawkins, all of a sudden has a real stick up his ass about max going out with them. turns out, she didn't either; she completely brushes neil off and gets ready to walk out the door before neil's voice rings out, stopping her in her tracks. billy knows the tone well, it's rooted billy to the spot, paralysed with dread and anger, more times than he can count.

max is at least smart enough to turn around and listen, which billy considers a win. she doesn't fight back like billy thought she would. was worried she would. hoped she would. instead, she let's neil have his shitty dad monologue, before she goes to push past him to hide out in her room. neil grabs her by the arm before she can get far, asks her if she understands. makes sure she verbally repeats the words to him before he lets her go.

if billy wasn't such a shitty excuse of an older brother, he could've stopped that. could've stepped in between, gotten himself involved, protected her.

but there's a phantom pain across his face, and flashing memories of his mom yelling at neil to let him go, holding up some frozen peas to his nose, telling him to stop involving himself when his dad gets like this, to keep himself safe, save himself.

and he knows this isn't the same, that he's the oldest now, the one meant to protect; but his own protector fucking left, and his idea of being a hero is messed up, and max is a big fucking kid that doesn't need her battles fought for her. max should know by now to listen to neil the first time, instead of brushing him off.

billy walks away.

(he never gets a chance to step in the third time.)