#anything would be really. appreciated this literally came out of left fucking field

[shenzuns]

update on that last post, my cat passed away today so i don’t. really know what to do. maybe this blog will go on hiatus, maybe i’ll just post stupid shit to help with the grieving. it’s not a must but kind words would be really nice

[angrypedestrian]

It's halfway through the year! Got any favorite albums/books/tv shows/whatever to recommend?

I'm gonna be honest, I feel like I have been VERY behind on reading/watching/listening to ANYTHING this year. I've only gotten through 3 books, and have big to listen to/to watch/to play piles, but! I shall try to find something to rec.

Books/Comics I have only read 3 books this year and I hattteeee it, but at least one of them was Hanif Abdurraqib's A Little Devil In America, which I finally got around to after buying it almost 3 years ago. 1000% must read imo. I'm sitting on his new one that came out a couple months ago, and I AM going to read this year. I AM. Also, I went to go see him speak a few weeks ago and he complimented my Fireworks shirt because he is one of the few people who loves them as much as I do.

I have read a lot of comics this year though! James Tynion's The Deviant is probably the one I would recommend to you most specifically, it is VERY dark, but VERY good. It's still in progress though, but I think should be wrapped up by the end of the year. Also Jeff Lemire's Phantom Road. It's real weird, I dunno what the hell is going on with it, but I'm enjoying the ride so far. Jeff has another book running right now called Fishflies, which is more traditional Lemire, weird and sad and Canadian. Also very good, but Phantom Road is the one I'm currently enjoying more of the two if I had to pick.

TV/Movies I finally got around to watching the first season of The Terror, which I was a FOOL for missing out on when it was first released. What a fucking television program!!! But other than that, I think anything else you might be interested in that I've seen you've already watched lol. I don't know if Julio Torres' work is up your alley, but his new show Fantasmas is fucking great so far. Very in the weirdo vein of Los Espookys, or like, literally anything he has ever created.

In a weird twist I've watched a lot more movies this year than TV, which hasn't happened in perhaps ever? My biggest recommendation will be for The People's Joker, which unfortunately is not available to stream anywhere yet, I don't think, but hopefully should be soon. I also, to very much my own surprise, really enjoyed the Glenn Powell vehicle Hit Man. Richard Linklater I think can be very hit or miss, but this one was fun if bizarre.

Music I've been trying very hard not to get caught up in the FOMO of roughly 40 albums being released a week that I want to listen to. I think I've finally hit a wall of how much new music I can actually sit down and listen to and appreciate in a given week, so this year has been an exercise in letting go of the need to be on top of everything the second that it drops.

There's this band called Super American that I love, and I can't really figure out why? They're a scrappy little pop-rock-ish duo thing, and they can write hooks for days, but it's often mixed with some of the corniest shit I've ever heard. There's one track on their new record (called Gangster of Love, I fucking hate it) that has a part that sounds like a fucking LFO song. It should suck! I don't know why I don't think it sucks! So your mileage may really vary with that one, but I think baseline it's a fun and silly little summer record.

Also, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the new Story So Far album...rules? Truly did not expect it at all. Parker I am so sorry your dad died, but my god you guys wrote some of your best songs out of it. And for a left-er field rec, the new Hurray for the Riff Raff that came out earlier this year is fantastic, a kind of meandering back to some of their original sound, but in such a more realized way than those earlier records. Just a very gentle and beautiful album.

[baeshijima]

𝐬𝐭𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐫!𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐝𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐚𝐜𝐭𝐞𝐫!𝐲/𝐧

MASTERLIST

now, childe as a general streamer,,, he’s a whale in every sense of the word 

…

poggers—

so childe as a streamer in general would be one word ;

✨chaotic✨

he would definitely be a variety streamer, but more so for games !!

especially pvp and/or pve games

competitive meta mf—

probably plays LoL, overwatch, apex legends, valorant and minecraft

don’t question the minecraft 

he likes mining but has a personal vendetta against the creepers bc once they blew up his mansion 

yes, a mansion

ask any of his community and they’ll tell u he spent a full-blown month and a half playing just minecraft to build it, only for it to go down just like that ;-; 

his chat loved it tho <//3

he’s played honkai too !! mainly for the pve and grinding bc he’s a whale but uh,,, shhh

his community,,, his community are just a bunch of trolls at this point i cant even lie

they just KEKW, SADGE & COPIUM spam everything and the newer viewers get intimidated until they realise he deserves them all HJGKJHF

especially when he starts getting annoyed by the game,,, his reactions are too good to pass up on gn

typically when he does mario kart streams 👩‍🦯 that shit’s wild when it happens oh my

when he falls in rainbow road 🤡 

and especially bc he has his webcam on, his viewers just see him internally dying or wanting to scream

also gets passive aggressive 

shit talks everything and everyone when in that mood <//3

for what’s left of his dignity i won’t disclose what happens

definitely gets jebaited a lot too <//3 unfortunately he’s too easy for his chat ;-;

another mf with a massive community except he has a lot of friends (sorry not sorry albedo)

ppl have a love-hate relationship with him tbh; u either love him or hate him

no inbetween

unless u show ur love through bullying him then go off ig

his discord server, twt + yt are also really big too !! also verified on insta 

also !!

he has lots of plushies :(( esp whale plushies from his community bc he’s the biggest whale they know <//3

but if u look at his setup, there’s a mini whale plushie on the top of his main monitor (he has 3), one big one (like,,, up to his chin) behind him, a smol on the top of his chair so u can see it above his head, and just more off screen HKJSDHL

they asked for a room tour once and half of it was just whale plushies

the rest were LED lights + shelves of merch & gifts from his community !!

he even has some fanmail (actual wholesome ones that aren’t cursed) pinned on a board too 🥺

also has an ensuite—

when he was eating on stream one time, his chat was sent into an absolute outrage

u know why?

bc he was eating noodles with a fork

bby ;-;

so sometimes he’ll get sent those beginner chopsticks with the finger guides to help him 👩‍🦯

he’s actually made sure to eat with them on stream tho bc he was sent one with a narwhal on top and he thinks it’s cute JHGJKH

nOW ONTO THIS MAN BEING WHIPPED FOR U AS A GENSHIN STREAMER !!!!

herkekle

now, his (also) AR56 ass has been playing since genshin first came out

an og if u will

this man,,, he’s been in love with u even before the game’s official release 🐥

not only were u in the promotional art and trailers, but he was also one of the beta testers so he got to try out ur character first hand in the early stages !!

and when i say he fell hard for u,

i mean it 

when the game wasn’t released publicly yet, he wasn’t allowed to disclose any information and ngl, it killed him that he couldn’t talk abt u :((

so all he could do was say this upcoming was really nice so far and subtly brag abt u to everyone JHGKJSDFHLK

when the official ads & promotional art were finally released 🥺🥺 when i tell u he immediately went live talking abt the game and u HKGJHFDK

he didn’t care that he streamed at an ungodly hour bc he’s been waiting for the reveal for so long he needs to let everyone know </3

he retweeted everything from their official twt straightaway, made a yt video based off his spontaneous stream promoting the game + pinged his entire server abt it

yes

his nearly 200k server all got pinged abt this one game bc he’s in love with a character from it

and he has no regrets abt it <33

the day the game was available for download, he stREAMED THE ENTIRE DOWNLOAD PROCESS

while he and his chat were waiting, they decided to watch the trailers and character showcases to get a feel for the game, and played some mario kart to pass the time !!

as soon as the game loaded, he threw mario kart behind him and went on 🐥

he typed his name (ajax) for the when he chose aether and literally everyone was appreciating the aesthetics HKJFS

but childe,,, he was waiting for it to be over so he could see u ;-;

he appreciated the aesthetics, fighting mechanics & voice acting a lot tho !!

now he had gotten through all the tutorials, got all the chests he could he was finally in mond

and there u were 🥺 after the dvalin encounter u arrived before kaeya did

and boy did he show u off sm to his viewers HKJHKLF

they knew he was down bad before but now?? they know it’s hopeless to save him and if he ever falls out of love that’s when the world ends

luckily that’ll never happen tho <33

but he took !! so many !! screenshots !!

oh, and did i mention he changed his wallpapers to u? and his twt + discord pfps are also some very aesthetic screenshots of u from that first scene ;-;

he just appreciates u sm okay 🥺

he even clutched his chest where his heart is and sunk down his chair when he heard u speak 😩

his chat just spammed his downbad + y/nlove + SHRIMP emotes and he accepted them all with grace <33

now when he unlocks the wishing feature,,, u already know he’s wishing for u as soon as possible

ur in the standard banner so ur always there which he appreciates but he would’ve wanted u to be limited so he can rub it in ppl’s faces ;-;

and since it was the first release rewards, he had tons of wishes right off the bat !!

he was gonna roll for venti after he gets u bc,,, well does he need a reason??

also he doesn’t do well with archer characters in general ;;; but if ur an archer then ur obv an exception sooo

bUT he got a 5 star in his first 20 pulls !!

tho it was diluc 👩‍🦯

while he was happy bc he got an incredibly meta character right off the bat,

he wasn’t interested in diluc,,, (even now his diluc is barely looked after, and only used for spiral abyss, *sweats*)

the next 5 star he got was around the 60 mark, and he got a weapon,,,

i mean,,, he got the weapon that was most suited for u so that’s smth at least (ˉ▽ˉ；)

after he used all his remaining primos and fates, he finally got u 🥺

he just went “fuck the storyline” and immediately put u in his party and just

admired u as a whole 

went through all the voice lines available, ur character story, ur idle animations (he had a heart attack from u and his chat clipped it) and took many, many screenshots 

his favourite voice lines would have to be the night + about us + (y/n)’s hobbies

and then he equipped u with ur weapon and damnnn did u look so good with it 😩

he changed u to be his avatar, with his signature as :

“(y/n)’s whale <3”

and now the whaling process begins 👩‍🦯

after at least £2k, he got u to c6, along with at least 1 copy of all the standard 5 stars,,

then he went for venti’s banner—

his chat were just too focused on how he’s gonna play u to even think of anything else tbh HKJAH

with ur kit, u were honestly seen to be a dps or even a sub dps if ppl don’t want u on the field all the time

so definitely a perfect character for mr meta strimmer tartaglia (his twitch name btw ;;; childe is just smth he prefers his community to call him as but they also call him ajax too HKJSD) here

so he went through the archon quests with u as his carry and i won’t lie, ur name card is smth he has printed and framed behind him after he got it 🥺

he later finds out ur part of the fatui in the liyue archon quest tho and has to fight u with,,,

well, u ;;;

he finds it hot tho so it’s okay—

i won’t lie tho, his zhongli after he got him is his second strongest after u

he just builds all his characters in the most broken way he can so he can show his viewers that everyone can be a dps in their own right, not just the ones meant to be since there’s no right or wrong in this game !!

but now ur weapon is r5, ur lvl 90 and u have lvl 20 5 star artifacts that make u the most broken (y/n) seen

ppl who co op with him are honestly baffled,,, especially when the feature of them being able to view other players’ character stats become available,,,

u with ur nearly 3k atk,,,

he’s hit over 600k with u tho and he’ll always flex that

no one can top him as a (y/n) main and that’s honestly just a fact at this point 😩

when he saw that the dating sim hangouts was official, his immediate and iconic response was simply ;

“so when will (y/n) become a dateable, huh 🤨”

to this day he’s still waiting to be able to date u in-game <//3

[tossawary]

I need to know more about “SVSSS - Baby Brother Liu Qingge” bc I love tiny and very deadly baby LQG

I have a 3k-ish Shang Qinghua POV that was supposed to be the introduction to this fic concept! So... ah... baby Liu Qingge does not appear in this, but you can see the setup for how an 8yo-ish Liu Qingge was supposed to be introduced. My hope is that this will someday become a "Shang Qinghua and Shen Jiu go on a mission with Baby Brother Liu Qingge" one shot.

-cut-

Shang Qinghua didn't really have the words to describe what it was like having Proud Immortal Demon Way's characters finally come into his second life.

He didn't have the words to describe a lot of his transmigration experience, honestly! His words had described a lot of this world already, haha, hadn't they? Sometimes a person just had to put up with it and keep going.

And then excuse himself later to go scream into a pillow! Many times!

At first, life was just him in a body that didn't fit and strange memories that slipped between his fingers like sand. His memories of a past life had settled eventually, the System finally came fully online, and his relationship with his second family was fully fucked forever. That was fine, though! That was fine! With some unsolicited prodding from his System, he left to go seek his fortune soon enough and he never had to talk to his character's birth parents or siblings again.

But Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky had never said much of anything about Shang Qinghua’s family or home village, besides saying that the man had dreamed of more than his mediocre origins, so everything had been unfamiliar and original and real. Getting to Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, which he had described in great detail, was a real headfuck. There were no words for the experience of recognizing things that he’d written in another life.

He saw the glistening rainbow bridge and the intimidating sect entrance and the majestic meeting hall on Qiong Ding, and he nearly screamed. He definitely squawked. His vision got really fuzzy for a minute there and he had to sit down on the ground before he fell over. What the fuck?! What the fuck?! He’d made a world! The System had really made a world out of his web-novel! He was really stuck in Proud Immortal Demon Way!

There were upsides and downsides to joining Cang Qiong Mountain Sect. Downsides included: the hard training, the harder workload, the dangerous missions, the disrespect towards An Ding Peak, and being surrounded by arrogant and foolish teenagers looking to look down on someone. It was really something else to look some of them in the eye and think, "Bro, I don’t know your name, but you kind of owe your existence to me. Could you stop being such a fucking asshole about leaving your chores for me to do?! Respect your father!"

Upsides included: actually becoming a cultivator (pretty cool, even though the work of cultivation sucked more often than not), better living accommodations and food, and actually getting to see some of the cooler places, plants, monsters, and magic that were a part of his world. Sure, carting a monster corpse brought in by Bai Zhan Peak to Xi Jiao Peak for butchering was smelly and heavy and altogether miserable, but seeing an impossible animal was still kind of incredible. If this unwilling Shang Qinghua could stop being pushed around and stepped on long enough to appreciate the upsides, he’d really appreciate it!

It was interesting and infuriating to log the differences between what he’d imagined, what he’d written, and what the System had created. What sort of author described every single object in every single room? Who had time for that? Who wanted to read that? The System had filled in all the living details of An Ding Peak - the Leisure Houses, the training grounds, the storehouses, the warehouses, the kitchens, the lesson halls, the leisure gardens, the farming fields, the livestock fields, the stables, the cart lot, the water supply, the sewage systems, and so on - so that people could actually live here. Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky as an author had done many things worthy of complaint and criticism, but wasting his readers’ time with sewage systems was not one of them!

The System had also filled in all the little details and decorations - the paintings on the walls of sect history, the detailing on the rooftops supposedly offering protections from dream demons, the chipped and faded paint of old storehouses that disciples would be tasked with replacing, the statues in the fields to scare off scavengers, the carvings on the doors meant to reduce resentful energy, the childish etchings of bored students the surface of the lesson hall desks, the old bench where the An Ding Peak Lord liked to sit and eat flatcakes - so that it really seemed like people had built this place and maintained it and added to it for generations.

Shang Qinghua had his quibbles here and there. Sometimes the System had made choices that he objected to! He would have done it differently if it had asked him, the author, to contribute. He really felt as though the System should have asked him to clarify the plot holes and the gaps in detail, instead of choosing precedence randomly or building off random implications taken way too literally.

Sometimes he found out that the System had built things out of throwaway lines that Shang Qinghua himself had completely forgotten about. It turned out that Ku Xing Peak made a lot of purification tools and containment vessels because Airplane had offhandedly mentioned that this was their specialty, and now Shang Qinghua had to cart around delicate ceramics to be sold to city merchants or other cultivation sects. He never would have dared to write that if he’d known that it would one day in another life be his job to do things like take inventory and chase down signatures for successful deliveries.

Places, items, and creatures were one thing, but logging the differences between the people he met and the characters he’d created was something else. At first it was okay, because he was surrounded by nameless An Ding Peak nobodies - his fellow disciples, their teachers, the hardworking managers and merchants, even the peak lord - none of them had ever mattered in Proud Immortal Demon Way. If Airplane had been the one to name any of them, he didn’t recognize the names or remember them.

Then he met Yue Qingyuan.

Wow, it was a worse headfuck than first arriving at Cang Qiong Mountain Sect, when Shang Qinghua finally realized that this was the young version of one of his actual characters. It took him a minute. As a lowly outer disciple, Shang Qinghua hadn’t received “Qinghua” as a name yet (his name was Houhua, not that anyone ever used it) and the future Yue Qingyuan was still called Yue Qi.

Shang Qinghua was fourteen at the time. Yue Qingyuan must have been around the same age, so he didn’t strike the tall and handsome figure of the sect leader Airplane had described. The boy was broad, but actually a little short. He had freckles. He had acne.

But he also had a warm smile that seemed to go all the way to his eyes when he offered to give Shang Qinghua directions to the right office on Qiong Ding. He had a steady hand when he helped Shang Qinghua up, after the An Ding disciple had suddenly tripped over nothing upon being introduced. Yue Qingyuan - Yue Qi - walked him to the right office and did his best to make small talk, friendly and kind even though Shang Qinghua was having difficulty stringing more than a few words together in his shock.

Even then, it was obvious that the boy was developing the calm surety and the social charm that would make him a greatly admired sect leader someday! It was all Shang Qinghua could do not to blurt out: “Holy shit, you’re REAL?!” Which would be closely followed by: “Hey, is Shen Qingqiu really real too?!” And then maybe closely followed by: “FUCK!!!”

As the years went by, Shang Qinghua met more of Proud Immortal Demon Way’s characters, and it was weird every time. None of them were exactly like he was expecting. He kept expecting… well… he kept expecting them to look like the fanart, like flawless character models, more or less. Instead, he kept getting… people.

Wei Qingwei, head disciple of the sword-focused Wan Jian Peak, was also shorter than he was expecting, kind of stout, with a wide face and a wider smile. Airplane Shooting Towards The Sky had apparently had the man crack a few jokes upon his rare appearances in the web-novel, usually during tense situations, as he was reminded by the System upon thinking to himself: “Why is this guy LIKE THIS?!” So, because of just a few lines, the real Wei Qingwei had a relentless sense of humor and loved telling jokes.

Upon their first meeting, when Shang Qinghua was fifteen and had been sent over to help renovate some Wan Jian dormitories, fifteen-year-old Wei Qingwei had pretended to fumble a sword and, using a packet of dye and a sleight of hand, made it look like he’d accidentally cut off his own hand at the wrist. Of course Shang Qinghua had screamed and panicked! Anyone would panic! But Wei Qingwei had laughed at him and said, “Got you! Shang-Shidi, the sword wasn’t even unsheathed!” Asshole!

Qi Qingqi, the head disciple of Xian Shu Peak, was much taller than he was expecting. Apparently Airplane had once described a group of some of the peak lords by saying something like: “Each one of them was like a giant to young Luo Binghe.” That group had included Qi Qingqi. The System apparently had taken that to mean that Qi Qingqi was of a height with the likes of Yue Qingyuan and Shen Qingqiu. Shang Qinghua discovered this adaptational choice when he was almost sixteen, when this giraffe-like girl came to An Ding Peak to complain about an order someone along the pipeline had dropped completely, and he accidentally found himself (still waiting on a really good growth spurt) eye-level with Qi Qingqi’s chest.

Airplane had apparently once said in Proud Immortal Demon Way that Qian Cao Peak Lord Mu Qingfang appeared a little older than his colleagues, by which he’d probably meant that the man was just tired or something, but this head disciple Mu Qingfang appeared to have ten years on all the other head disciples. Which was good! Shang Qinghua approved of their future head healer not being a teenager and having more training!

On the bad side of things, Airplane had also once said in Proud Immortal Demon Way that the Zui Xian Peak Lord Zhang Qingyan liked his drink too much. This was the peak specializing in alcohol, so it had seemed to make sense! It was supposed to be funny, if anything! Well, at sixteen, Shang Qinghua found out that the System had focused too much on the “too much” part of that statement and now the head disciple of Zui Xian Peak was pretty clearly a budding alcoholic. (Sometimes a cultivator’s constitution and ability to “cure” themselves just… made a person drink more. A lot more.) Which was… not good.

At seventeen, Shang Qinghua met Mobei-Jun.

He didn’t know where to get started with Mobei-Jun.

Somehow he’d… forgotten that Mobei-Jun had been originally based on Airplane’s idea of “the perfect man” and not the super pretty, muscular but slim-waisted protagonist type? The real Mobei-Jun was… tall… and big… and thick. Mobei-Jun’s intimidating features were… more striking than pretty. The first time Shang Qinghua had come back to his Leisure House and found this spoiled brat of an ice demon napping shirtless on his bed, and gotten an eyeful of all that heavy muscle and chest hair, he’d nearly knocked himself out on the doorframe trying to turn away before he had a heart attack.

Mobei-Jun really was going to be the death of him, holy shit.

Especially because this ice demon really was a spoiled brat! Airplane had described this character as being arrogant and apathetic, so now Shang Qinghua had to deal with a Mobei-Jun who took long baths and then carelessly dripped water all over the floor and all over fresh sheets! Who ate all of Shang Qinghua’s cooking and ungratefully only demanded more food, sprawled over furniture not really fit for someone of his size, and then watched Shang Qinghua like a fat tiger! Ahhh, this demon really was lucky he was handsome!

Mobei-Jun was also kind of violent, and mean, which was… well, it sucked.

Back to the sect that Shang Qinghua was now actively betraying, however, as far as he could see, there was still one future peak lord missing.

It wasn’t Shen Qingqiu, who Shang Qinghua had thought would be the last one to show up. Shen Qingqiu had shown up and had been advancing through the ranks of Qing Jing Peak before Shang Qinghua had even met Mobei-Jun, which meant that Yue Qingyuan had finally stopped looking like someone had torn out his soul. (Shang Qinghua had been forced to grit his teeth every time that someone mentioned how privileged that Yue Qingyuan was to have been granted that year of secluded cultivation in the Lingxi Caves at such a young age.)

No, of all the peak lords, it was Liu Qingge who Shang Qinghua had yet to meet.

After meeting Mobei-Jun and becoming an inner disciple, the System had given Shang Qinghua three years to make it to head disciple, probably because the deadline for a new generation of peak lords to ascend was fast approaching. He was working hard to achieve that! Not only did he have to sabotage the current favorite, but he had to make sure all his own training, missions, work, and research were as close to flawless as he could get it! All while keeping an intruding ice demon happy! He wasn’t totally sure that he was going to make it at this rate, even though he’d been here for years.

So it was a little concerning that Liu Qingge hadn't shown up yet. There was so much left to do. A world-state that had yet to be established. Liu Qingge had work to do here!

Liu Qingge and Shen Qingqiu still had to develop a hatred for each other as disciples that would extend to everyone believing that Shen Qingqiu had murdered Liu Qingge as peak lords, after all. Granted, all Liu Qingge really had to do was beat everyone else on Bai Zhan Peak up to obtain the position, and it wasn’t exactly hard to get Shen Qingqiu to develop a lifelong grudge, but the guy was still cutting it pretty close.

It was possible that Liu Qingge was already on Bai Zhan Peak and making good progress, but that he was just so solitary and focused on searching out the next big battle that Shang Qinghua had just never had the opportunity to meet him. Shang Qinghua did his best to avoid Bai Zhan Peak most of the time, honestly! He was curious about where Liu Qingge was, about what the man looked like, but he didn’t let himself sweat at not seeing the future war god, when he already had so many things to sweat about. The System had taken care of bringing in everyone else, so Shang Qinghua was sure that Liu Qingge would follow sooner or later.

Shang Qinghua’s first sign that something was wrong was that, on the day that Liu Qingge finally announced his existence by beating up everyone on Bai Zhan Peak, everyone was saying things like, “I can’t believe some kid managed to topple all of Bai Zhan like that!”

He… may or may not have ignored this sign.

To be fair to this poor writer-turned-disciple, though, he’d been up all night finishing some paperwork catastrophe the An Ding Peak Lord had thrown at him to fix, as some kind of “test” of his logistics skills. Upon hearing the latest gossip, Shang Qinghua thought, “Oh, finally?” And then his overtired brain collapsed from the effort of thinking two words together in a sentence, and all he could manage from there was to feel the intense need to go to bed at a maximum, static-y volume. No words. No more thinky thoughts. Just the need for speedy sleep.

He stumbled through the rest of his day and then passed out for 18 hours straight. In hindsight, this would have been the time when the gossip was at its hottest. He missed all of it.

When he woke up, everyone was still dealing with the aftermath of what had happened on Bai Zhan Peak, but the conversation had shifted more towards replacing Qian Cao Peak’s depleted supplies and the repairs to Bai Zhan’s training grounds. Liu Qingge was the name on everyone’s lips, still, but everyone knew the basic information now. Now, everyone was just exclaiming over and over again how unbelievably young (and pretty) he was to have bested every other disciple on the sect battle-focused peak. This didn't seem too strange.

The System probably would have based the War God's appearance on his sister, Liu Mingyan, a strong contender for the most beautiful woman in all of Proud Immortal Demon Way. Liu Qingge apparently being a very pretty boy fell neatly into line with all the other character design surprises that Shang Qinghua had gotten smacked with so far.

If Airplane had known that he'd be transmigrating into his novel, maybe there would have been even more handsome men! And everyone would have lived happily ever after and nothing bad would have happened ever, probably, but also there might be more sexy guys too.

-

TBC

[sxfik]

han seo headcanons (part 4)

writing this is cathartic tbh. of course, i always write on the days i have an exam to prep for (aka my lit exam tmrw thats technically today)!! we make good life decisions here at clown nation <3

< prev

read on ao3

tw: mentions of abuse

the first time they competed, vincenzo was away on his buisness trip to italy. he had some loose ends to tie up after his little contract and getting paulo off the helm of the mafia.

which meant that jipuragi was particularly empty without the italian-korean's presence. no one to give han seo a pat on his back. no one to look over cha-young's shoulder.

they all felt it hard, as if the firm had a huge hole where vincenzo is supposed to be

han seo felt himself looking at his desk every single time he passed by it. the first day was more jarring than the rest, he had gotten used to vincenzo's presence in his life.

it was a particularly late friday night at jipuragi. han seo lugged into the firm a gigantic stack of contracts and internal documents about babel so the laywers and him can go through each one. cha-young had to carry both her and vincenzo's load for that week with vincenzo in italy.

they were stressed and tired and had a million paper cuts from sorting through each pile of documents. all three of them were working quietly, the silence comfortable, save for the sounds of russling paper and pens scratching across notepads

"alright, i'm off for the night. i have a airplane competition tomorrow morning and i need jason to fly far for me so i can finally win that 500 dollar prize. goodnight byeonosanim, mr. jang" the paralegal said as he put on his satchel and took out his cycle. he waved his goodbyes as the he left, leaving han seo and cha-young in the office by themselves.

they had only known each other for two weeks, really. han seo always met his hyung vincenzo over drinks or over at his house. he only ever saw the pretty lawyer from a distance, usually when taking note of how his hyung vincenzo dotes over her just so he can tease him about her

and use her to distract his hyung

it always works

cha-young didn't know much about the young ceo, despite meeting him a couple times from her time at wusang. part of her never wanted to trust him, even though he had proven himself and his loyalty to vincenzo, because in the world she lived in, everyone could betray the other at any time

but his presence in the office was comforting to her. he had come in, dressed like an 80s disco star and all asking if he could join the team, and somehow, he stuck with her.

something in her wanted to trust him. he seemed unassuming and loyal to the core, especially to vincenzo. the way he always walked into the firm grinning, visiting the plaza residents. he had an energy about him that reminded him of a younger sibling she's always wanted

but she was burned once with prosecutor jung and she's learned her lesson so it was time for the ultimate test

"are you hungry?" she asked, shuffling through her papers one last time before standing up, and putting the stacks back into their file system

han seo was startled for a second, his head buried deep with in the papers, the words almost swimming together with the amount of times he had to look through these contracts

for a second, he thought she was speaking to vincenzo, not himself before he remembered that vincenzo wasn't here this week

"Oh yes, byeonosanim. Would you like to order something or..?" he'd replied as he stood up from his seat, giving his legs a strech. he had forgotten just how tired he was until she asked him, his body feeling the effects of running the company and being at jipuragi

"Yeah, we can. I have the perfect restaurant to get some food from! they're always open late too so it's really convenient" she quipped back, her back facing him as she started putting all the contracts back into place and started pulling out new ones to look over

he followed suit, clearing up the table he was working on and moving to the paralegal’s desk.

even though his work was often hard for him to understand, the legal and formal language needing multiple reads, he felt refreshed each time he came to the plaza

he'd established a daily routine here, going to check on the hee-soo at the snack bar, visiting the pawnshop

he's quite good with his hands. he'd always known he had a knack for taking things apart and fixing them, which especially helped at the pawnshop when college students and older families would come by with broken tablets and gadgets.

even though he was rich, barely anything was spent on him when his dad was alive. every single new outfit or toy always went to han-seok, where as he was stuck with the ragged hand me downs, and old toys.

so when he had gotten his first phone, and broken the keypad, (because han seok threw it across the room when he got angry that he had the same model as his illegitimate brother) he understood it was up to him to figure it out.

he was always good at taking things apart, from all his toy cars to majority of the gadgets and clocks he had in his house.

(there was a day, when he was younger, that he took apart han seok's toy car. the next school day he walked around with gloves, trying to forget about how his cuts hurt as he curled his fingers around a pencil)

taking things apart and then putting them back together the same way was somehow natural to him. but of course, none of that mattered since he couldn't score well enough on his exams to get past the courses he needed to into engineering. plus, he could imagine the sneer on his father's face if he told him what path he was considering...

for most of his life, he'd felt useless compared to his brother. he was never the quick-witted boy at school, failing his english courses and having to go to cram schools and tutoring sessions just to pass by.

he hated going to school everyday, having the teachers shame him for not being as smart as his brother, not being as charismatic or as smooth talking

the exam days were always the worst. looking at the exam sheet, his palms sweaty and his throat tight as he looked at the questions

the doubt was overwhelming. the pressure made him sweat and freeze up even though he knew the problems.

the kids at his schools always seemed to prefer han seok, for some weird reason, when to him he's always been the menace in his life.

han seok was the one to head the company. the one he can't measure up to in front of his father. the one to push the family forward. every bit of praise, every second of attention, it all went to han seok.

han seo was the mistake. the one who always fucked it up. the one who seemed to mess up his brother's plans.

his brother seemed to take it upon himself to remind him that he wasn't meant to be alive. and their father, believing it to be good for han seo, would force him to be tutored by han seok every day.

his brother had a field day with it, finding the most creative ways to abuse and torture him

of course, he's not allowed to say a word about it.

at first, working at jipuragi was anxiety inducing, sweat drenching his shirt each time he brought a document he thought useful to vincenzo, his throat closing up imagining the consequences of fucking up

he knew deep down, that vincenzo wasn't like his brother, he will not hurt him, he will not kill him

but the anxiety and panic are second nature to him

his eyes were glued to his shoes after he handed it over to vincenzo.

vincenzo paused, looking over the document with scrutiny. and his body was automatically bracing for a slap, a punch. at the very least a snide remark or a sneer.

instead he looked up at han seo, nodding, and told him "this is very useful. thank you."

thank you.

thank you. he blinked.

the words echoed in his head as he replayed them back over and over. thank you. in all his years working, no one had said thank you. no words of appreciation were ever dealt for doing his job. for doing something right.

unable to think of a reply, he walked back to his desk and sat down, the shock overwhelming him before he got his mind working again

although it took him double the time to go through the contracts than it did vincenzo or cha-young, he was never berated. there was never a comment about how slow he was, how he wasn't cut out for this, only appriciative glances and words when he did well

and when he didn't, they corrected him, gently. never maliciously, never taunting, always gentle.

and for the first time, he could breathe

the time passed by quickly as they both continued working in silence, han seo finishing up half a stack before the doorbell rang.

"i'll get it! ceo jang, can you set the table up?" cha-young looked toward as she went to grab the food from the delivery man

"yes, byeonosanim" he replied as he went to grab some disposable plates and wooden chopsticks from the cabinet

he set everything out just in time for the lawyer to set the food down. he squinted at the bowls she pulled out, the bright red liquid a stark contrast to the white containers.

"uh, byeonosanim, what is that?"

"hm? oh it's fire noodles. you don't mind spice do you, han seo?" she quirked her eyebrow at him, her voice sickly sweet

and he grinned at her and that was enough of an answer: it was showdown time.

so there he was, sitting across from cha-young, the container of red chili oil central to both of them. both of their suit coats were off, lest they start literally heating up.

oh, and if either of them reach for their water: they're out.

for about 10 seconds, they stared at each other, trying to psych each other out, before his phone timer counted down.

....3, 2, 1 and they were off!

both of them grabbed their chopsticks and spoons and ate two large bites and drank the broth before angling for one spoon full of chili oil into their noodles.

and on they went in this cycle, eating a bite and drinking broth, and pouring chili oil in after each cycle.

3 pours in, and they were still doing good, neither of them showing any signs of redness

6 pours in and his tongue was swollen, her eyes watery, their broth bright red

7 pours in and .... was it just him or was the room getting hotter?

8 and you could see the sweat dripping the lawyer's forehead, the sniffles of the lawyer getting louder and louder. meanwhile he was panting, trying to increase the circulation into his mouth

9 and their arms meet across the table, inches from the chili oil. their eyes lock, their faces bright red and the pain of his tongue unbearable

his eyes are squinted (from his eyes burning or from concentration, we'll never know) and the lawyer is making faces, trying to get him to give in

"it'll" *huff* "be easier" *huff* "if you give in now" *huff*

he laughed back, in response. "and let you win? no way. I'M getting that paper crown"

their eyes both glance at the flimsy, blue paper crown set upon it's carrier, a stack of contracts

she scoffed back (and almost choked) "absolutely not"

they stare each other down as they pour more in and go for another round

they swallow and in that second, cha-young made a fatal mistake

she breathed in the fumes. and coughed. and grabbed the water before she could think about it.

"AHAHA I WIN!!" he yelled out, the chair flying back as he jumped up, the layer of sweat easing up when he grabbed the bottle of water and chugged the whole thing down

the lawyer on the other hand, was slumped in the seat, taking the opportunity to also chug the water.

for around 10 seconds all they did was pant, getting their bodies back into a normal pace before cha-young spoke up

"fine i guess you win, have a great night!" she jabbered out quickly but he knew what she was trying to do

"nuh uh, nope, you're not getting out of this. we agreed! loser has to crown the winner." he grinned at her, his eyes completely closed as his happiness shone through

sighing, the lawyer grabbed the crown from it's holy pedastal and stomped over.

"tun ta da da !!! all hail king han seo, destroyer of spice, the unyielding one" she sang out, her voice deeper as traces of laughter tinted her voice

she placed the crown upon his name and bowed, "may he reign forever" and looked up and shot him a wink "at least, until i win next time"

he struck a superman pose, and puffed his chest out, before both of them crumbled into laughter, cha-young dramatic one ringing above his cackling

"we should do this again please, noona!" he wheezed out, his stomach hurting from laughter.

but it was only his ringing out, as hers cut out sharply.

"noona?"

he paused as his head whipped around to the lawyer, her head tilted as she looked at him

did i say that? i swear i called her byeonosanim... and he replayed the moment.

fuck.

"ah, i'm so sorry hong cha young byeonosanim, i overstepped, i apologize," he bowed in apology to her.

"do you call vincenzo byeonosanim hyung?"

"huh?" he looked up at her in confusion, "uh, yeah i do call him hyung. why?"

"you can call me noona then." she quipped back and for a second, he stared at her. wait what?

she clapped his back, and he choked on his spit, the clap knocking the air out of him "relax. you passed the test han-seo. i've always wanted a younger brother, you know? you can call me noona. as long as you remember your manners, that is," shooting him a wink

he glanced at her, before breaking out into the biggest grin, his gums peaking out.

"okay... cha-young noona!" he giggled, as they took their seats.

she grinned back, settling in.

"ah, you know noona, he said the same thing as you"

"huh?" she squinted back

"vin hyung! he said the same 'you better mind your manners'" han seo laughed as he mocked the korean-italian mafia's voice

"you know, that impression is spot on!" she laughed as he continued the voice, adding in the classic hand gestures, until both of them broke into laughter.

for some reason, both of them were instantly comfortable with one another.

for han seo, laughing with cha-young, trading insults and teasing felt warm, it felt like he'd found a best friend (a best friend who once upon a time he almost maimed by sending thugs after her, but she swore to him that all is forgiven) they had similar humor, similar tastes, similar personalities

for cha-young, he felt like a partner in crime. not like the way vincenzo her partner in life in crime, but in the way that they were both pranksters, both with similar personalities and bright humor

it felt like finding a sibling, a person to commit crimes with, a person to clown together with

"you know, noona, is vin hyung..." he paused mid-sentence, contemplating if he could ask this.

"go on, han seo" cha-young encouraged him, one hand bringing the bottle of water to her mouth

"is he your boyfriend?" he rushed out the words and—

he was sprayed in the face.

cha-young was sputtering as the water dripped off his face, and his eyes shut as he wiped off the excess

"yah, why would you even ask that?" she scoffed out refusing to meet his eyes, but he could see the red tint creeping up on her neck and her cheeks

he shot her a look.

"yeah, yeah okay. he and i are... partners"

"oh." he quipped back, a sinister smile slowly spreading across his face

"no, no, no" she shook her at him, "i do not have a crush on him"

he raised an eyebrow back "who said anything about a crush hm, noona?"

she froze and he knew he'd have next weeks entertainment sorted

"you know maybe i'll take back that younger brother thing if this is how it's like" she taunted, but he didn't feel any hurt. instead her teasing just made his heart soar, her teasing somehow a comfort

"oh, we're just getting started!" he quipped back, as they cleaned up for the night, continuing their conversation as they restored the firm back to order.

"i've noticed you going to the pawnshop a lot recently" she noted, as she grabbed a stack of contracts to put back into the filing cabinet

"ahh, yeah i've been helping them out. they're having a baby you know and it must be hard on both of them to run the shop" he responded as he stacked another set of contracts together, clearing Mr. Nam's desk

"you should do it."

"what?"

"study electronics. or at least continue working for the pawnshop."

he stared at her.

how did she know? for someone so bright and busy he didn't expect her to be so observant to him.

"oh please, like it's hard to notice. i've seen the way you always seem to be happier as you pass by the pawnshop. when i popped in during lunch, i saw you, hunched over the tablet. it's the happiest i've seen you look."

"oh." he grew quiet "it's a little too late, don't you think noona? for me to even consider that? i'd be a little foolish to follow that"

she sighed and turned to him, grabbing the stack from his arms. "let me tell you a story han seo. i'm 34 years old and a lawyer and don't get me wrong, i love doing this. but when i was little my dream was always to sing. but for years, i pushed it back, thinking i could never do it."

she stuffed the papers to the back corner, somehow managing to stuff it in and turned back to him.

"so, noona? did you do it?"

"patience. a couple weeks after my final exam for law school, i said why the hell not. and now i've been taking lessons one and off for years!"

"you should give a demo!! sing for us"

"oh, please i couldn't possibly do it" she tucked her hair back, looking bashful.

"ple-" he barely got the words out.

"oh of course, if you insist!" she grabbed the empty water bottle and climbed on her stool, the makeshift stage for the night

"noona! noona!!" han seo cheered her on as she stood up. she cleared her throat, moving her head to the side and warming up

and she opened her mouth.

and sang.

if you could call that singing.

what came out was more of a series of tone-deaf screeches, making him wince but mask his face with a smile, trying to solider through the pain.

he clapped as SOON as she finished the last note, his ears grateful for the break. she took a flourished bow as she jumped off the stool

"how was it?"

"noona, that was amazing!" he lied, trying his best to stop the ringing in his ears.

she smacked him with her water bottle "yah! you liar! i'm god awful" she made one of her classic faces.

"you know??? and you made me endure that???" he touched his ears. he expected to see blood but luckily the damage wasn't too bad

"YAH!" she smacked him again. "you brat, the point isn't that i'm good or not."

"then what is?" his eyebrows furrowed as he looked in confusion.

if you're not good at it then what really is the point? why should i keep trying?

"the point is that i'm happy. it doesn't matter how good you are at something for you to consider it an interest, as long as it makes you happy."

he paused. no one had ever said that before. to do what makes him happy. not what made his father or his brother happy. everyone's advice all his life was to stick to what you're good at and that there isn't a point in trying if you aren't good from the beginning.

"look i'm terrible at singing. but i know that if i had never pursued it, i would have grown old and regretted it. so what if i am bad! at least i got to do it while i'm alive! give electronics a shot, han seo."

han seo bit his lip slightly. and he nodded.

he was going to give it a shot.

"good! now lets get this cleaned up and go home!" she sashayed off to her desk, grabbing the last of her stuff before they left the firm.

the next week, when vincenzo was back from italy, he had expected to find the firm just like he left it. what he didn't expect was his girlfriend wife partner and brother han seo, one sprawled on the couch and the other on the floor, piles of blankets and what looked like a mic and SEVERAL bottles of sujo scattered across the table.

they were both in matching pajama sets, and snoring very loudly. he shuffled over to his desk where a note that looked like it was written in crayon was left

and it said

"dear vin hyung: noona and i were having a sleepover last night. i made sure she was extra safe and did not do anything overly amitious (like call you in the middle of the night to ask you if you had to leave) if you are seeing the mess that we probably made, please excuse it. i will clean it up as soon as i can. grazie!

p.s. you should ask noona out sometime, i have it in good word that she might be interested ;)

to be continued...

a/n: let this be a fic reminding you that if you are passionate about something, pursue it! our world conditions us to believe that you have to be good at something in order to be able to do it but that's absolute bs. please give your younger and future selves a chance by taking up something you've always wanted to do <3

[speakfreely000]

Today's topic: Forgetting about being the "People Pleaser".

Today's topic was actually inspired from something I found scrolling on Facebook today. It was a quote that read, "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you. The misinformation will feel unfair, but STAY ABOVE IT, trusting that other people will eventually see the TRUTH, just like you did!"

Now, I take this quote a couple different ways. First, I think about how I have been someone a lot of people have talked about in past. When it first started, this was during high school. If you know, you know. I took this really hard when I was going through it. I didn't know how to be strong in myself, like I am today. A lot of people talked about me and had no idea what I was going through, and honestly, some of their stories were so out of left field, I should've laughed instead of getting upset. I chose to listen to those many many voices of negativity, when I should've rose above it and proved everyone and myself at the time, wrong. Because eventually, I saw the TRUTH. I saw just how damaged I was as a child, and that people didn't know what the fuck they were talking about.

But I am used to this. It came and went over the years, but I know people stick to a certain narrative to keep themselves from looking like an asshole. It's okay, I've been guilty of this many times too, it's an ugly thing to realize about yourself. This is my second take on this quote, because that's exactly what it states: "When a toxic person can no longer control you, they will try to control how others see you.."

This is coming from someone who's a recovering addict, who's done and said horrible things. I'm sure people in my past have a lot of bad stories to share about me. But the amazing thing about that is, I am not that person anymore. And so they are going off an old narrative, a broken record frankly. So I don't sweat it because I have forgiven that damaged, toxic person I was before, and those people will never know the real me now. They don't get to see the truth, but I do. I live with it every day, the good and the bad. But it all holds the same crazy beauty that's a part of me. My past is not who I am today, but it has taught me great lessons and made me the strong, beautiful, smart young woman I am in this moment.

So people can talk ALL the shit they want about me or you. Don't let it bring you down on your journey for yourself. See the truth about yourself like some of the people who talk badly about you won't see.

Exercise for this topic:

Go look in any mirror (This could be a bathroom mirror, car mirror, makeup mirror, anywhere you feel comfortable to do this) and say all the things you forgive yourself for. This is a visual/verbal therapy for me to forgive myself for things I'm not so proud of. It also helps you to literally "look in the mirror", the man in the mirror as Michael Jackson would say, and really talk to yourself.

This exercise can also grow into you looking in the mirror and laughing with yourself, smiling, talking, anything really!

*When I was in heavy cocaine addiction, I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I did cocaine for years, and lost myself completely. When I started getting clean from it, I created this exercise with myself to practice and grow self love and appreciation. It works if you let it. Don't be embarrassed to do this exercise, as you probably will start somewhere secluded if you're like me, with social anxiety. But after a while, this will become like a normal every day thing for you. Hope this helps to anyone reading!*

Thank you to anyone reading this post, I love doing this, this is where I thrive! If anyone has any topics they want to cover or speak on please message me directly on here or email speakfreely000@gmail.com with your requests.

-Mariah

[hoebii]

To the moon

Pairing : JJK x Reader , PJM x Reader

Genre : Angst, fluff, college!Au

Rating : 18+

Warning : Swearing, major character death (disease), symptoms of terminal disease, talking about death, one sided love, pining 

Wc : 3.3k

A/N : Thank you @chemicalpink for being my amazing beta who helped making this fic much more than a hot mess. A huge thank you to @taegularities for making me this BEAUTIFUL banner!! I love this banner so so so much~ and @voiceswithoutlips for letting me use her name in the fic, ilysm <3 I had the idea for this fic for a while and this might be the favourite fic from what I’ve written so far so I really hope it’s good. As usual, hope you guys enjoy this one and feed back is always appreciated~

-------

Jimin could only watch from afar as Jungkook and you danced around within the crowd of people. Usually he could be found in the middle, Jimin was known to be the life of the party after all. But, he couldn’t seem to enjoy himself, not while being sober anyway. 

Downing the drink in his hand, he couldn’t help but wince a bit at the burning sensation as the liquid flowed down his throat. Slapping himself softly a few times he spoke to no one in particular, “Come on, Jimin, you got this. You’ve watched them love each other for years now, what’s one more night?”

Shaking his head to clear his mind, he pushed off the wall he was leaning against. He needed more alcohol if he wanted to survive the night without another heartbreak. Flinging the cup away nonchalantly, he strode towards the kitchen to grab another one. 

Reaching the counter, he grabbed the strongest alcohol he could find and gulped down half the bottle at one go. Would he regret it in the morning? Most definitely. But, did he care now? Not a single bit. 

“Oof, what’s got you drinking your life away?” he heard none other than Jungkook ask, seemingly appearing out of thin air beside him.

Choking on his drink, Jimin hit his chest as he placed the bottle down. Glaring at his smiling best friend, he grumbled, “Don’t scare me like that! I almost had a cardiac arrest, my good fellow.”

“My good fellow? Since when am I a ‘good fellow’?”

“You’re right. You almost gave me a heart attack, assbutt.”

Jungkook snorted, rolling his eyes as he grabbed two cups out of the stack, “Okay, Castiel. No need to get your panties in a twist now.”

“Bold of you to assume I’m wearing anything underneath.”

Wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, he bumped his shoulder with Jimin’s, “How sexy of you.”

Jimin shook his head, a small smile on his lips as he raised the bottle to his lips once again, “Very sexy of me indeed.”

“Alright alright. Stop moping about and drinking your life away and come join us! Y/N was asking where you were,” Jungkook revealed, “we need our third dumbass for the trio to be complete!”

Jimin slumped a little at the mention of you, before straightening up with his trademark flirtatious smirk. Thankful that the boy beside him didn’t notice - or if he did then didn’t comment -, “Aw, is this your way of inviting me to a threesome? Cause I’m in just so you know.” 

Head thrown back in laughter, Jungkook’s shoulders shook, “Yeah dude, we’re gonna have such a sexy time fucking in a frat house.”

“Bet.”

With that, Jimin took one last swig from the bottle before starting towards the main room, “Time to get this party started.”

-------

Jimin woke up to a pounding head with a start, covering his eyes with a hand in a futile attempt to block out the sunlight, he groaned, “Why’d I drink so much last night. Fuck you past Jimin.”

Moving to get out of the bed, he stopped dead in his tracks when he felt something, or someone, wrapping their hand around his torso. Looking down, his eyes widened like saucers as he recognised none other than Kas cuddling up to his bare chest. 

Scrambling to move away, Jimin fell off the bed with a squeak, successfully dragging the bed covers with him. 

Jerking awake, Kas groaned about her lost sleep, looking over the side of the bed to the flabbergasted man on the ground.

“If I knew this was how you started the morning, I’d never say yes to sleeping with you,” she remarked in a gruff tone.

“You- I- We-” Jimin sputtered from his spot on the ground.

“You, I, We, yeah we fucked last night,” Kas said offhandedly, rolling back to burrow into her pillow to fall asleep once more.

Clambering up, Jimin looked around the room he was in, noting that it was indeed, not his - though it was a room he wasn’t a stranger to either -. It wasn’t a surprise to anyone that Jimin was, put in simple words; a fuck boy. He had slept with a majority of the uni population by now. So it was safe to say Kas’s room was nothing new to him - thanks to his previous rendezvous with her. 

Though it was surprising that he was there at that moment, for he had stopped sleeping around as soon as he realised his feelings for you. Now, most people might do the opposite and excuse their actions with ‘I’m trying to get over them’ but Jimin couldn’t bring himself to do that. He didn’t find anyone else even remotely interesting enough to spend a night with besides you.

“Kas this-” Jimin started but the brunette was faster, waving her arm dismissively as she spoke, “It means nothing, I know. You’re too in love with your best friend, blah blah blah.”

“I’m sorry.”

Kas huffed out a laugh, rolling over to face him from the bed, “Why’re you sorry? It’s not like we have feelings for each other.” She continued as she rolled her eyes and smirked playfully, “besides, you’re not my type anyway. I’m more into guys like Namjoon.”

Body sagging in relief, Jimin could only chuckle along as he started gathering his clothes, “You know, I could always give you his number?”

“Then what? I call him and say ‘Hey, I got your number from Jimin after a one night stand. Let’s go on a date.’?”

“I mean, technically you could.”

A moment of silence passed as the two delved into a staring contest of sorts.

“Okay, so I’m gonna go now,” Jimin drawled out, getting dressed as he inched towards the exit, “I’ll text you hyung’s number later, by the way. Do whatever you wish to with that.”

“You’re such a shady fucker, Park,” Kas said jokingly, “how you befriended someone like Namjoon is beyond me.”

With a laugh he left, “See you around, Kas.”

-------

Jimin unlocked the front door of his apartment, not caring about the noise as he was certain that his roommate was out by now.

“Welcome back, man-whore,” Jungkook greeted from his spot on the couch, eyes glued to the TV screen in front of him. 

Jimin’s body tensed instinctively, eyes widening in shock as he looked at his roommate playing video games, “What are you doing here?”

“I live here.”

“Yeah but what are you doing here now?”

“Playing video games.”

Jimin sighed exasperated, “Aren’t you usually with Y/N at this time?”

Jungkook mimicked the elder’s sigh to mock the older, “Yeah but she’s busy today.”

Processing the information, Jimin nodded his head, “I’m gonna go freshen up.”

“Alright.”

-------

Steam escaped the bathroom as Jimin stepped out, drying his hair with a towel as he walked to his room. Just as he entered, he heard his phone ringing. Looking around the place, he spotted his vibrating phone at the edge of the bed where he had thrown it before going into the shower.

Grabbing the phone, he picked up the call without checking the ID, “Can you please call back? I’m on the other line with my proctologist and he’s trying to explain to me why I have a perfect ass.”

“What the fuck did you just say?” 

“Ah Jin-hyung! How are you?” 

“None of that. First tell me what the fuck you just said.”

Jimin snickered, moving to sit on the bed, “Don’t worry about it. I usually start calls with the weirdest thing I can think of so if it’s a scam call, they leave me alone.”

“You know,” Jin started, “if you used even half the brain power you use on shit like this while studying, you’d be one of the smartest students in your university.”

“Where’s the fun in that though?” Jimin whined, falling back to lie down, “besides, I’m already one of the top students in our batch.”

“Overconfidence will take you nowhere Park Jimin,” Jin stated.

“Lies. You’re a world renowned model, are you not?” 

“Aish, you’re such a brat.”

Giggling, Jimin switched his phone from one ear to the other, “Only for you. Now tell me how you’ve been! It’s been ages since we last spoke.”

-------

“Fuck! Taehyung focus!” Jungkook shouted into his mic as he killed another enemy, rushing to his friend’s dying avatar and quickly reviving him.

“Sorry, I was drinking some water real quick,” came Taehyung’s reply, “I thought that spot was safe for a quick sip.”

“You were literally hiding in a bush in an open field,” Jungkook deadpanned, throwing a grenade at the building he knew the enemy squad was hiding. 

“Ooh nice one,” Taehyung said as the game announced that he had killed two players with the grenade. 

“Taehyung-ah, only two more players left. If we lose then I’m gonna end you.”

-------

You hissed in pain as another rose thorn pricked one of your fingers, “I hate this so much.”

“Oh cheer up, Y/N. Gardening will never be fun if you’re such a grump!” your grandfather announced, plucking another rose and placing it in his basket.

“I wouldn’t even be here if I didn’t love you so much, grandpa.”

“I love you too, bubbles. Let’s go to that patch now! Be careful though, those have more thorns,” your grandfather beamed like a little kid on Christmas morning as he moved towards the white rose patch.

You could only groan as you dragged your feet to follow him, “Great, more thorns. Yay.”

-------

“Alright, five minutes break for getting water and shit,” Jungkook announced before taking his headphones off. 

He stood up and stretched, feeling his joints crack as he did so. Looking at the clock, he realised that he had been playing for a few hours now. 

“Damn I went so long without moving? No wonder I’m so thirsty.”

Jungkook rolled his neck, hearing some more bones cracking as he walked towards the kitchen to grab some quick snacks. Walking by Jimin’s room, he heard the older man talking to someone.

He was about to move on, having no interest in eavesdropping, when he thought he heard your name. Ignoring his brain that urged him not to listen, he moved closer to the closed door, trying to hear what was being said.

“I don’t know hyung…” he heard Jimin say, “you know how I feel about Y/N. I don’t think I can go on a date with someone else.”

His eyebrows furrowed as he listened. There was a pause, no doubt the person on the other line speaking before he heard Jimin speak again.

“I know I have to get over her, hyung. It’s just,” Jimin sighed, “it feels unfair for the other person, you know? Going on a date with them while I’m in love with Y/N and all.”

Jungkook’s eyes widened, he barely held a gasp in as he heard Jimin. He knew that Jimin used to have feelings for you when they were younger so he made sure to ask him before pursuing a relationship with you when he caught feelings for you too. He clearly remembered Jimin telling him that he no longer had feelings for you when Jungkook had confided to him about his growing affections for you. 

Jungkook moved away from the door, shaking his head as he realised that the other man had lied back then. He had prioritised Jungkook over himself. Typical Jimin, he thought.

Not wanting to barge in on Jimin mid call, Jungkook decided that he would speak to him about it later on. With that noted in his mind, he continued his journey to the kitchen to get some snacks. 

-------

Time flew by, days turned to weeks and weeks turned to months. Jungkook ended up never speaking to Jimin about his conversation, too swept up with university life and finals that came banging on the door. 

It was during that time when Jungkook’s health started deteriorating. It started with him feeling nauseous even though he didn’t do or have anything that might have caused it, then came his loss of appetite. 

Every time he would brush away your and Jimin’s concerned gaze, saying it was just him overexerting himself with all his extracurricular activities and studies. What worried you the most was when he started to drastically lose weight. The once muscular and energetic boy who loved playing outdoor games slowly turned into a sickly and frail boy who no longer had enough energy to move much without getting exhausted. 

Jimin and you tried time and time again to get him to see a doctor and he time and time again waved away your concerns, always dismissing his decline in health with some sort of excuse. 

The straw that broke the camel’s back was when one day he started to complain about severe back pain and difficulty breathing. You had called Jimin and the two of you rushed to the hospital with the barely conscious boy.

------- 

It was a day like any other, Jimin woke up, got dressed, made some food for himself and his roommate. Checking on Jungkook in the other room as soon as he was done. 

Holding the tray of food in one hand, he knocked on the open door to announce his presence, “Hey Kook. Got your breakfast, we’re having eggs and bacon today!”

Cracking one eye open, the younger man could only give a weak smile, “Morning, hyung.”

Moving to place the tray on the bedside table, Jimin helped him sit up - placing pillows behind him against the headboard so he could lean back and be comfortable as he ate.

“Where’s Y/N?” Jimin asked as he sat beside the bed, grabbing the food and starting to slowly feed the other. You decided to move in with them after Jungkook got diagnosed with the last stage of pancreatic cancer last year.

Chewing on the egg, Jungkook struggled to swallow before answering, “She went to the department store to grab some stuff.”

Nodding, Jimin fed him another bite, making sure that it was small enough for him to swallow without much struggle. The two continued in comfortable silence, only the scraping of the utensils against the plate and the distant chirping of birds from outside could be heard inside the room. 

It was a beautiful day, so why did it feel as if something was wrong? Jimin could only wonder, his eyebrows furrowed in thought before he shook his head to get rid of the negative thoughts. 

After making sure that Jungkook finished the whole meal and drank enough water, he placed the tray back on the bedside table. Jimin knew that the younger would want to read something to pass the time so he got up to grab a book from his shelf, eyes scanning all the spines before finally picking one he thought the other would enjoy.

Turning, he walked back towards Jungkook and handed him the book, moving to take the tray so he could clean up. 

Before he could leave however, the younger man called his name. Turning to face him, Jimin raised an eyebrow in question, “What’s up?”

“I forgot to talk to you back then but,” Jungkook started, a coughing fit making him pause midway, “I heard you on the phone that day last year. The day after the party where you went home with Kas noona?”

Jimin’s posture straightened, his body tensing as he recalled that day. The only one he spoke to on call, as far as he could remember was Jin. 

Clearing his throat, Jimin walked back to the bed, placing the tray back on the bedside table as he sat by him, “Oh? What about it?”

“I was walking by to grab some snacks when I heard you confessing your feelings for Y/N, hyung.”

It was like someone had just punched Jimin in the throat, a gasp leaving his plump lips as his eyes widened. 

“Kook, I-”

“Don’t worry,” Jungkook smiled softly, “I know you wouldn’t ever try anything. I trust you.”

Jimin didn’t know what to say, opting to grab one of his hands and softly running his thumb over it, “Kook I’m trying to get over her, I swear I am. It’s just a little difficult when you’ve loved someone for years.”

Chuckling, Jungkook placed his other hand on top of Jimin’s, “It’s fine, I don’t blame you. She’s an amazing girl, hyung. Anyone would fall for her.”

The two share a silent moment, though it was a comfortable one. None of them felt the need to speak, just enjoying the little peaceful moment they were sharing.

Jimin felt the grip on his hand tightening, the other’s face turning into one that showed discomfort, “Hyung, I don’t feel so good.”

“What are you talking about? Let me call the ambulance!” Jimin exclaimed frantically, freeing his hand from the younger’s, rushing to go grab his phone from the other room. 

Right as he was about to get up though, a hand grabbed a hold of his wrist. Halting him in his steps.

“Clam down, will you? I don’t want the last thing I see before dying is you panicking like a headless chicken.”

Swallowing back tears harshly, Jimin���s eyebrows creased in concern, “What are you talking about? How are you joking in a moment like this!”

Shaking his head, Jungkook smiled again, voice strained with the effort of him speaking through the pain and fatigue he felt, “No listen, it’s fine. Just make sure to take care of Y/N alright? She might act all tough but she’s as fragile as a flower.”

“Jungkook, please. Let me go get my phone so I can take you to the hospital,” Jimin begged, voice trembling as his eyes glazed over with unshed tears.

Ignoring his pleads, Jungkook continued with a laugh, “We always joked about how one day in the future we’d go to the moon together like in those movies. Guess that won’t be happening in this life, huh?” 

“Fuck Kook, you can! Just let me get the damn phone!” Jimin almost screamed in frustration, rapidly blinking back his tears as his hands shook.

Meeting his eyes, Jungkook only continued smiling, a peaceful look overtaking his feature, “Take her to the moon for me, alright?”

It was getting harder to keep his eyes open, but this time he didn’t fight the numbness that took over him. In that moment Jungkook truly felt at peace, knowing that the two of the people he cared so much for would be alright. That they had each other when he wouldn’t be there. 

------- 

That was what you walked in on. The sight of your boyfriend lying on his bed, looking more at peace then you had seen him in the past year. You could almost smile at the seemingly happy moment but the sobbing man beside him indicated something was wrong. Something was very wrong.

“What’s going on? Why’re you crying Chimmy?” You asked cautiously, still standing at the door.

Jimin’s head snapped up, his blood shot tearful eyes locking with yours, “He’s gone.”

The grocery bags that you were holding a moment ago were on the ground, the sound of glass breaking heard from inside. “What do you mean he’s gone?” You asked, lips quivering as your voice trembled.

Getting up from his seat, Jimin walked towards you, pulling you into a crushing hug as you started weeping, “You’re lying! He can’t be gone, he can’t leave me!”

Jimin could only hold you tighter, caressing the back of your head as he shushed you gently, whispering an endless string of apologies even though he couldn’t stop crying himself.  

“Please tell me this is some sort of a sick prank you two are pulling on me. Please tell me you’re joking and he’s alright,” you begged, weakly grabbing the collar of his shirt and tugging at it in desperation. 

“I’m sorry,” he whispered again, kissing you on top of your head, “Let it out, I’m here for you, moonlight. Just like I promised.”

[serosbows]

Cloud Nine

word count: 2k+

——————— sero hanta x gn! Reader———————

Sero spontaneously decides to let the bakusquad know you guys are dating during a smoke sesh. His boldness seems to be contagious what could possibly go wrong?

WARNINGS: 18+, recreational drug use, cannabis use, drug paraphernalia, swearing, suggestive themes

I understand that not all individuals are comfortable with the idea of smoking/ cannabis use I will be putting out more fics for you guys to read!

Minors do not interact!

Also- goes without saying this fic in no way is me condoning illegal activities. y’all stay safe and be responsible

I’m really sorry for any grammar/spelling errors, I am dyslexic n words be hard

Thank you for your support! Again please read at your discretion. <3

——————————————————————————

Friday nights.

The nights you and the Bakusquad would spend in Seros room winding down from the strenuous week of training, the smell of cannabis thick in the hotboxed room.

You’re not sure how you’ve always ended up in this situation, knee to knee with Sero as you work on breaking up the batch of the sticky green plant that Kaminari swore “was the best shit” he bought. Yet, here you find yourself working in tandem with the raven-haired boy as you hum along to some song he has going on his phone.

“Can you hurry it up already?! I want to get this party started”, Kaminari whined as he watched your fingers impatiently. “This takes time and precision,” you retort back, “respect the craft for a second!”

Leaning back on his hands, Kaminari pouted and looked over at Kirishima who was fiddling with the many empty chip bags scattered around him and Mina. “Don’t look at me, dude! Just wait patiently! We all know Y/N rolls best”, Kirishima chirped.

As if the man got shot point-blank in the heart with a revolver, Sero clutched his chest with an exaggerated gasp, “how DARE YOU”, he seethed at Kirishima who bashfully shrugged. “You would pick Y/N’s rolling over mine?!” Sero yelled, shoving an accusatory finger towards you. Kirishima whistled in what was his attempt to be nonchalant, trying to avoid any further questioning from the now “big angy Sero”. (as you have come to call the puffed out cheeks and pouting lips he is now showing off).

Since this ritual started, you and Sero have found comfortable solace in each other. The calming, open nature of the tape boy had you falling head over heels for him faster than you could realize.

Luckily for you- he felt the same way.

The night he asked you out was forever engraved into your mind, the thought forming a smile on your face anytime you recalled the event.

The bakusquad had just packed it up, deciding to call it an early night, leaving you and Sero alone to continue the smoke sesh on Sero’s plush bed.

You remember that when he started arguing with you about how long you took to prepare the blunt for smoking, the sultry tone in Seros voice began to show. The sudden change had you realizing how thick the air around you two seemed to be.

“Bet I could do better in less time”, Sero said smugly, leaning into you. His movement had you adverting your eyes from your fingers and upwards, the movement leaving Sero’s nose only a few inches from yours. “W-What?”, you choke out, unsure if you heard him right.

His proximity had you inhaling his scent. Was it lemon? No. It couldn’t be, you deduced, it’s not as potent as a lemon, but it sure was some sort of citrus. Sero leaned back, pulling away from you. “I’m just saying. You take forever to roll sweets,” he said shrugging his shoulders.

You hurriedly collect yourself, attributing your absent-mindedness to Seros intoxicating scent. Shaking your head to come back to reality, you resume rolling the blunt. Sero almost worried about your silence, shifts worriedly.

When you looked up at him through your eyelashes, your fingers holding the almost rolled creation delicately, a sly smirk on your lips he was sure he was sent to heaven.

Sero was only brought out of his trance-like state when you groaned and laughed, “Okayyyyy~ sure. Whatever you say Hanta!” you said, adding an exaggerated eye roll for emphasis. “You know everyone prefers when I roll, you just get salty about it.”, you continued as you looked up at him once again, licking the paper of the blunt.

The way your tongue darted out to lick the paper in such precise little stokes had Sero losing his mind. Sure he thought you were attractive, but right now, the way you were looking up at him through you pretty lashes with your tongue out had him going nearly feral.

Trying to contain himself and his sudden change in body temperature, he retorted, “Hey! That's not true they just say that to be nice!” He proceeds to try and put on an angry face, puffing out his cheeks and pouting, scrunching his eyebrows for good measure.

“Awe~” you cooed looking at the literal baby in front of you. “Don’t get all worked up now big angy Sero! You know you LOVE when I roll.”, you said as you took the first hit of your creation.

The smoke filled your lungs with a pleasant heat, the high you originally had become more pronounced. Before you could blow out the stagnant smoke in your mouth, Sero grabbed your face with his hand, placing his lips on you with ferocity.

Your eyes widened. Was he trying to shotgun with you?? The smoke poured out of your mouth and into his, your body beginning to go slack as you finally fell into the smoke filled kiss.

You don’t know when you closed your eyes but they opened as Sero pulled away, blowing the smoke back in your face with a small chuckle.

You let out a few coughs and swatted away the smoke clouding your field of vision. When the cloud cleared, you were met with a red-faced Sero.

“I,,, Uh,,, I-I’m not sure why I did that….I’m so sorry.” Sero rambled on, trying anything he could in his power not to make eye contact with you.

You leaped at this cliche moment, pushing Sero back on his bed and straddling his waist. His hands instinctively landed on your hips. He looked up at you with wide eyes, unsure of what to do at this moment.

In a quick motion, you held the hand with the blunt in it behind you and leaned down to kiss Sero. The kiss left your body feeling weightless, your lips molding with his perfectly. His hands resting at your hips, giving them a light squeeze before his thumbs began to trace light circles on the skin over your shirt.

“‘Bout time you made a move Sero”, you said smirking down at him as you pulled away. “Hanta”, he corrected, “you’re mine now mi amor.”. Sero smiled and pushed himself up to place a light kiss on your forehead.

You let out a small chuckle, using your free hand to cup his face. “Then prove it…” you purred. The smirk on Seros face had you quivering with anticipation, a new wave of heat taking over your body.

Needless to say, the blunt was stamped out and you thanked every higher power in existence that no one found it odd that you were wearing Seros hoodie as the exchange in clothes between you two was common.

That night you came to the conclusion that it was tangerine and cinnamon, Sero smelled like tangerine and cinnamon. A scent that you would come to be addicted to.

If it wasn’t for the hoodie, the bakusquad would have for sure seen the many marks Sero had left on you so he could properly mark you as his.

When you came back from your flashback the rest of the group seemed to blur into the background as you focused on filling the blunt, eyes trained in on making everything even. In your peripheral vision, a certain raven-haired boy could be seen inching closer towards your face.

“Can I help you?” you said with a smirk, not looking up from your activities. “No, no, don’t mind me. Keep doing what you’re doing. You look so pretty when you’re rolling baby~”, Sero said in a low sing-song voice that only you could hear.

Your hand movements halted immediately and your eyes widened.

Sero hasn't called you anything like that in front of anyone??? You enjoyed hearing the pet name come from his mouth, yes, however, you two have yet to make your relationship public.

“Sero…”, you warned, “you cant be distracting me right now.” Sero seemed to pay no mind to your words, coming in closer and placing a hand on your thigh. “At this point, I don’t care, sweets, we’ve been dating for... what? 4 Months now?”

A hand grabbing your chin startled you. Sero moved your face so he could make direct eye contact with you, his thumb runs across your lower lip, “let them know.” The devilish smirk on Seros face made your stomach drop. “Come on, you know what to do”, He whispered. You nodded and took his thumb in your mouth. Sero nodded in appreciation and basked in the feeling of your tongue running around his finger.

He pulls his thumb out of your mouth when he hears Bakugou yelling. “I TOLD YOU SHITS I WASNT THE IMPOSTER”, you look over to see everyone look up from their phones, thankful that among us kept the bakusquad from seeing the previous encounter with you and Sero.

“That means its Kaminari or Sero then because I was in electrical.” Sero furrowed his eyebrows, “What, I was AFK- yall SAW me breaking up the weed” he yelled. Kaminari huffed, “You know its not me!! All of you SAW me do the med bay scan.”

You, having been killed off the first round watched as a smirk formed on Mina’s face, rolling your eyes at her obvious lies that Bakugou and Kirishima have seemed to buy due to the accusatory looks being thrown their way.

As the common ‘defeat’ sound rand out, you began to lick the paper of the blunt, your fingers working deliberately to make the best creation you can.

“Yeah!! Lick that shit baby. You look so good doing it. I know what else that mouth can do” Sero yelled, you flinched a little, unsure how the bakusquad would react but if Sero was being bold you might as well join.

A spitting sound was heard next to you as Bakugou whipped his head towards Sero. “BRO!!! DONT GET THE SHIT WET!” Kaminari yelled as he grabbed the open bag of weed that was nearly ruined by Bakugou’s spit.

“What the fuck did you just say?!” Bakugou yelled. “I think you heard me. I didn’t stutter. Plus I’m just praising my baby!”

“WOAH, WAIT! WHEN?!” Mina squealed.

“Sero got a date before me?!?!” Kaminari whined.

“You’re joking,” Kirishima said

You worked to silence the group, “First of all…” you started, “Sero.. you said that shit in front of my blunt bro...Disrespectful as FUCK. Second of all yes, we’re dating, we have been for 4 months.”

“5 on the 14th!” Sero continued as he placed a hand on your head, messing up your hair.

You laughed and shook him off, flattening out the hair Sero just ruined. “Yeah yeah…. Now give me a kisth” you said while looking over at Sero who happily obliged.

The kiss was quick but it left you weightless. Pulling away, Sero began to move you around. “What are you doing??” you said as you took another hit of the blunt. “You just sit here.” He said as he placed you between his legs, his arms coming to wrap around you, his chin resting on your head. “I want to hold my precious baby”

The softness in his voice would have the rest of the bakusquad thinking Sero was just trying to be cute and show affection. You would have thought the same thing if it wasn’t for the evident hard-on pressing into your back.

You smirked, an idea coming into your head. Passing the blunt to Bakugou, you placed both hands in your hoodie pocket. In one smooth movement, you gripped the left sleeve with your right hand and inched your left arm out of its cozy confinement.

Lightly dropping your arm to your side under the hoodie, you slipped your hand behind your back. Dropping your head back on Seros shoulder and turning your nose to graze it across his neck. “You keep quiet and maybe ill help you with your problem, yeah?” You whispered as you began to run your hand over the tent in his pants.

Seros breathing hitched, his grip on you tightening. He didn’t stop you however, the feeling of your fingertips grazing the skin above his pants and slowly dipping under his waistband had him intoxicated.

He just hoped he could follow your orders and keep quiet.

[eponymiad]

Rated T Helen/Sophos, High School AU, based on this post which is literally Sophos Word Count: 2182 * Sophos wasn’t sure how he felt playing a full-contact scrimmage against the girls’ team. It didn’t seem fair. He and a bunch of the other guys were six feet tall, and by the looks of their opponents, some of the girls were a full head shorter than him. He was going to have to be careful. The whistle blew, and the scrimmage started. The next thing Sophos knew he was flat on his back, head pounding as he stared up at his assailant. She was all of five foot nothing and she was smiling down at him with the most stunning smile he had ever seen. “You okay?” she asked after a beat. Sophos realized he had just been staring at her. Fuck. “I’m fine,” he lied. The pain in his head was excruciating. He should have worn his helmet. She extended a hand to help him up. He took it, but was halfway to a seated position when he quickly let go as everything spun around him. He caught himself backwards on his forearms. “So you’re not actually fine,” she said, and turned her head to call over to someone on the side of the field. “Hey, he’s hurt!” “No it’s okay—“ “Too late,” she said sweetly as one of the coaches jogged into view and crouched down over him. By the time Sophos was able to look for the mystery girl again, she was gone.

* Gen drove him to the hospital. Sophos was still thinking about the girl that decked him. “Gen, I think I’m in love.” He was joking. Mostly. Probably. “I think you’re concussed.” That smile was burned in his retinas. “Who was that?” “Who?” Sophos tipped his head back against his headrest to look at Gen. “That girl who tackled me.” Gen wrinkled his nose. “My cousin.” Sophos blinked in surprise. Or maybe confusion. Gen might be right about the concussion. “That’s Helen?” “I thought you weren’t even into girls.” “I’m not usually. Maybe I am?” He shook his head, but that made the headache worse. He groaned. Gen’s head snapped toward him. “Are you okay?” Sophos nearly nodded but caught himself. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just hurts,” he mumbled as Gen pulled into the hospital parking lot. * Sophos was most certainly concussed. His dad was out of town, so Gen had offered to stay with him so his mom didn’t have to drag Ina and Eurydice to the hospital. (This was hardly Sophos’s first minor sports injury). Gen was out getting them snacks when there was a knock at the door. Sophos paused his music and turned his aching head slowly, expecting a nurse, but instead it was the girl who had knocked him down. She was still in her red and black workout clothes. She looked a little embarrassed as she smiled at him. “You’re really pretty,” he said, and she laughed in surprise. He cringed. He hadn’t meant to say it out loud. “Sorry.” His cheeks were burning. “Not as sorry as I am. How’s your head?” “It’s fine,” he said, lying again. “Mhm.” She looked amused. “How’d you learn to bodycheck like that? I thought the girls played low contact.” “I have a lot of cousins who make you look tiny. I learned to defend myself. You people tip over too easily.” She tilted her head. “It’s the upside to a low center of gravity. I rarely fall.” “Ah.” He couldn’t think of anything else to say. “Gen should be back from the vending machines in a minute.” “I can wait outside if you—“ “No! No, no. You can stay.” He was blushing again. Just once he would appreciate it if his stupid face wouldn’t work against him. “I’m Sophos, by the way.” “Helen,” she said. She smiled again. She smiled a lot. Which was good, Sophos thought, because her smile was maybe the best thing he’d ever seen in his life, and it was infectious. He smiled back at her, and then realized he was smiling for too long again. He was frantically looking for something to say when— “Hey, Helen,” Gen said, briefly wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he passed by her. He dropped into the chair beside the bed and threw a pack of chips at Sophos. “Eat.” While Gen ripped open a bag of gummy worms with his teeth, Sophos slowly opened his bag of chips, glad for the distraction. Sophos dropped a chip into his mouth and let it melt on his tongue, swallowing just as slowly. His eyes were closed when he heard the rustle of a bag and then Gen hissing, “Get your own!” Sophos opened his eyes to see Helen leaning over Gen, wrestling the bag of candy away from him while Gen curled up like a cat around his clutching hand. “Hah!” Helen, bag gripped in her first, winced as she turned to Sophos. “Sorry.” But Sophos was too busy laughing at Gen to be bothered by the noise. “It’s no problem,” he said to Helen. “Do you want some chips with your worms?” She grinned. “Thanks.” She held out the bag of gummy worms. “Trade you for some of these.” “I hate you both,” Gen said. Helen, who was sitting on the arm of Gen’s chair now, looked down at him. He had his head tipped back against the wall. “Irene asked about you, by the way.” Gen’s head swung down so fast so fast Sophos was surprised he didn’t tweak his neck. “When?” “After practice.” Sophos watched Gen’s face contort as he tried not to look excited. “Cool,” he said. Helen snorted. “You should text her.” “Yeah, maybe, we’ll see,” Gen said, but Sophos saw him slip his phone out of his pocket when Helen looked back at Sophos. “What’re you listening to?” “The Mountain Goats. Do you like them?” “I haven’t heard of them.” “It’s because she has bad taste,” Gen said from his chair. Ignoring him, Sophos wiped his hands down on the blanket and pulled out his earbuds. “Here, listen.” She moved to stand next to him and took the headphones. Sophos hit play on “Up The Wolves” for her and watched her face as she listened. At some point, she sat down on the edge of his bed, and he felt his face go warm. He couldn’t tell if she was enjoying it, and the 42 seconds left on the song were nerve wracking. He paused it before it went to the next track. “They’re good!” “I like them,” he said. Gods, he was so stupid. Why could he not think of a single coherent thing to say? “Helen’s music taste is trash. All she listens to is ABBA.” Helen rolled her eyes and turned to look at Gen, but she didn’t move off of the bed. “Sorry, Gen, we can’t all exclusively listen to sad bastard music like the Arctic Monkeys.” “Hey, what’s wrong with the Arctic Monkeys?” She turned back to Sophos and laughed. “Nothing, they’re just a little mopey. I’m sure the two of you are kindred spirits,” she said, looking between Gen and Sophos. Sophos blushed. “Play me an ABBA song?” “Sure.” She pulled out her phone and scrolled. Sophos waited, doing his best not to read her screen, for the sake of her privacy but mostly because his head throbbed if he tried to strain his eyes. Helen hit play and the music poured out from her tiny phone speaker. Sophos closed his eyes, listening to “Mamma Mia.” They had hit the chorus when Gen’s voice made him open his eyes. “Hello? Hi. No, no, I can talk,” Gen said into his phone, jumping up and walking out of the room without so much as a wave at the other occupants. Sophos looked at Helen in confusion. “Irene hates texting,” she explained. Sophos smiled. Gen had only been at the scrimmage under the weak pretense of hanging out with Sophos afterward—Sophos had known it had been to watch Irene play. Helen slipped off the bed into Gen’s recently occupied seat. Sophos was sad to lose her proximity and her warmth. “Can we listen to ‘Take A Chance On Me’ next?” She looked pleasantly surprised. “Yeah sure.” Helen hit play and Sophos shut his eyes again. They got through three songs in silence before Sophos realized that she might be staying with him out of obligation. “Hey uh, you can go. I mean. You don’t have to stay here with me. I’ll be fine till Gen gets back.” If Gen came back. “Oh.” She narrowed her eyes. “Do you want me to go?” He shook his head hard, realizing too late his mistake. “ Fuck,” he said, grabbing his forehead, and Helen hissed. “Are you—“ “I’m fine,” he said, waving his free hand. “Okay, I’m gonna—“ “You can stay,” Sophos blurted out. He really didn’t want her to go. She opened and closed her mouth and then smiled. “I was just going to get some more snacks from the vending machine. Do you want anything? My treat.” “There’s no ice cream machine is there? That’s what I really want.” “I’ll go check. What do you want if I find one?” “Chocolate anything.” She was gone ten minutes, long enough that Sophos started to worry she wouldn’t come back. When she reappeared in the doorway clutching a bunch of colorful bags, it made his heart clench for the third time that day. “No luck on the ice cream,” she said walking toward him, “but I did get three types of chocolate.” She held up a bag of peanut M&Ms, peanut butter cups, and a candy bar. “What do you want?” Sophos considered. “A little of everything?” “Sure. Scoot,” she said, nodding with her head for him to move over. She sat down next to him again and a thrill shot through him. Ripping open the bags of candy, she asked, “How long have you been playing lacrosse?” He held out his hand for her to pour the M&Ms into his palm. “Just a couple of years. You?” “Since I was three and my cousins tried to use me as a ball.” Sophos laughed so hard he cried. They ate the rest of the candy, talking about music and movies and trading embarrassing stories about Gen. It wasn’t until the doctors came by to discharge him that Sophos realized his head was feeling better. He’d been so distracted talking to Helen he hadn’t noticed that the meds had kicked in. The doctor handed him his discharge paperwork. “Is your girlfriend driving you home?” “Oh, she’s not—” “Yeah, we’ve got him covered,” Helen said. “Great. Please wear your helmet next time,” the doctor pleaded. Sophos, still blushing, said, “I will.” Gen still hadn’t come back. Helen texted him as they made their way to the parking lot, but when they exited the building they found him sitting cross legged on top of his car, still on the phone with Irene. He waved at them and started to climb down from the roof, but he didn’t hang up. “Do you mind if I drove you home?” Helen whispered. “Oh…that’s really nice of you,“ Sophos said. Mind wasn’t exactly the word he’d use. “Honestly I just can’t deal with any more of Gen or Irene’s weird, subtle hints about the other. If it gets them to shut up and get together I’ll drive you across the country.” Sophos laughed, feeling light as air, and followed her to her car. * “How’s your head?” she asked. They’d been parked in his driveway for an hour, talking and listening to ABBA. “Better.” It wasn’t a lie this time. “Do you have a bump?” she asked, leaning into his space to feel the back of his head. His chest fluttered. “Oh you sure do.” She scratched his hair and he leaned his head back into it. When she pulled back her arm, it was to grimace at the time. “Ah, I really need to get home.” “Oh, of course. Um, thanks for keeping me company today.” “I put you in the hospital, it was the least I could do.” She grinned. He smiled back. Reaching for an excuse to talk to her again, he pointed at the stereo panel lit up with “Souper Trouper.” “Will you send me this playlist?” “Definitely. Give me your number.” * Sophos woke up feeling marginally less like shit and grabbed his phone from the nightstand. He remembered his night and felt the bump on his head, thinking of Helen. He was pretty sure he’d never been this into someone before and he’d only known her for like twelve hours. That might be a record for him. He had 12 text messages, which turned out to mostly be from teammates, but there was one that made his heart leap. It was a link to a playlist, and below it, a message that said: Playlist as promised. Sorry again about the concussion. I owe you ice cream. Cow Eyed Creamery tomorrow at 8? Looking like the 😳 emoji even as he answered, he shot back, Sounds great.

[oscar-lettjohanssonloveme]

A Woman Like You pt. 3 (Diane Sherman x socialphobist!reader)

as i promised, there is chapter 3 whoohoo

request: need another part to a woman like you 😌

warnings: social anxiety i guess

here is pt two: https://littlejeaniehugsbumblebees.tumblr.com/post/640358893165363200/a-woman-like-you-pt-2-diane-sherman-x-reader

google translate- :’)

To say Y / N hadn't socialized in college would have been a lie. There were 1 or 2 students with whom she got along well.

One of them was Wylan Montgomery.

Wylan was a tall, slender man with sandy hair. Y / N couldn't tell if she thought he was pretty with his pale skin, but what she did know was, that she didn't find him attractive. But she liked him. Wylan didn't speak much as he was also more of an introvert and lived in his own world. Often Y / N and Wylan studied together in the library, checked each other's homework or discussed books. Nothing special, actually, but there was one thing that Y / N really appreciated about her friendship with Wylan: the weekly chess game.

Y / N loved chess. It was a strategy game, that wasn't about communication with the opponent at all. A game, that could be played in complete silence and the only important thing was concentration.

Wylan and Y / N had a tradition of meeting in the library every Thursday afternoon to play chess together.

Their game could take hours and it was not uncommon for Wylan and Y / N to be the last in the library by the end of the evening.

And when Y / N and Wylan were sitting in the library in the back corner by the window on this rainy Thursday and had been playing for an hour, Y / N couldn't have imagined how this afternoon would end.

"Damn it," Wylan muttered quietly as he stared strained at the chess board. Y / N, who was just as focused as he was studying the board, lifted her eyes to meet the blond boy in the face.

His green eyes literally jumped over the board as he nervously chewed his lower lip, as he always did when they were playing.

It was Wylan's turn and he'd been sitting there for 3 minutes without having done anything. Just like Y / N, he considered every step he took, not just in chess, but in real life as well.

Y / N looked back at the chess board and let her eyes wander over the black wooden figures she was playing with today.

She heard Wylan exhale loudly as he reached out to put his white pawn on E4.

How predictable, thought Y / N. She leaned forward to take the time to consider her next move. Wylan was a good player, but transparent as he often used the same strategy and the game was also relatively early on.

"Mister Montgomery?" Suddenly called a female voice that made Y / N flinch. Both students immediately raised their heads to look at the woman, who owned the voice. Professor Sherman came running out from behind a bookcase.

"I've been looking for you for 20 minutes .. Your roommate told me you were probably here," she explained with relief when she recognized Wylan at the table.

"Professor Wright sent me, he's been waiting for you for an hour."

Y/N looked confused away from Diane, who was ignoring her, to look at Wylan's face. The blond man seemed just as confused as she was when suddenly his eyes widened and he let out a quiet "fuck".

"Do you know where he's waiting for me?" He asked, turning to Diane, who shrugged.

"His office, I assume."

"Uhm okay, thank you".

Wylan stood up and gave Y / N a pleading look.

"M'sorry," he muttered.

"It's okay," Y / N replied and looked back at the chess board.

"I also have a lot to do."

He smiled wryly before turning and jogging out of the library.

Y / N looked back at the chessboard and started packing up while trying to ignore the fact, that Diane was still relatively lost across the table.

"Do you really still have a lot to do?", The professor suddenly asked and Y / N immediately raised her head to look at her confused.

"Excuse me?"

"If you want, I'll play with you-"

With narrowed eyes, Y / N looked into Diane's face and watched the professor chew on her lower lip.

"Is that pity?" Y / N asked skeptically and Diane quickly shook her head.

"Oh no," she said. "It was just an idea."

"Well, I've already started cleaning up, I-"

"So far you have only taken the rook off the field, it was on B5", Diane interrupted her and looked at the rook in Y / N's hand.

"But the game has already started", Y / N tried to get rid of her professor. Don't get me wrong, it wasn't because Y / N didn't want to, on the contrary, she would have loved to play with her. But Diane was a stranger and to Y / N all strangers were her enemies.

In her mind she ran through all sorts of scenarios of how it would all work out.

Y / N's hand would probably tremble so much when placing the figures that she would knock over the other ones.

Maybe she was sneezing or something like that, maybe she would accidentally touch Diane. Maybe Diane was the kind of person, who talked a lot while playing and stared hard at Y / N while concentrating. On the other hand, chess was a game, that required a lot of concentration and nobody could blame Y / N if she kept silent while playing. And even though Y / N was afraid, that she might breathe too loudly, she knew, that she would regret it, if she would reject Diane.

"All right," Y / N finally uttered with a sigh and immediately regretted it. Damn it.

Diane smiled at Y / N's words before taking a seat across from Y / N at the table.

"Great," she muttered and Y / N put the black rook back on B5.

And then they started playing.

The next 3 hours were filled with a pleasant silence and concentration, for which Y / N was very grateful. So Diane wasn't the kind of person who talked a lot while playing. And that nobody spoke was not at all uncomfortable. Even so, Y / N tried to imagine that Wylan was sitting across from her and not her literature professor. But it was impossible; Diane's fingers were much slimmer than Wylan's. Then there was the cinnamon scent of her perfume, which replaced Wylan's aftershave, and at last there were the reddish-brown hair tips that slid onto the chessboard every time the professor leaned over to grab the figures.

Y / N didn't even look at the clock during the entire time and didn't even notice that the whole game lasted 3 hours. She hadn't noticed either, that it was already dark when she finally put Diane in check and she muttered:

"check

For the first time since they started playing, Y / N carefully raised her eyes to Diane to take in the expression on her face.

The woman frowned at the game board while her chin rested on her palm. Y / N noticed, that she was wearing the dark blue cardigan, as she often did in her seminars, and for whatever reason, Y / N liked this cardigan.

"Shit," said Diane finally, leaning back in her chair.

"You actually won."

"Well then, checkmate", Y / N muttered before reaching for her bishop to knock over the white king.

Meanwhile, the professor's brown eyes were still running over the field to analyze the entire game again.

"It's crazy," she finally said, leaning forward again to lean over the board.

"I've never met someone, who plays as subtly as you do."

Y / N lifted her gaze from the king to look straight into Diane's eyes.

Bad idea. Eye contact was disgusting and Y / N immediately blushed before glancing quickly at the lamp on the table.

"To be honest, I assumed you would win," she explained, staring into the bright light. Diane must have turned it on when it got dark.

"Why did you think, I would win?" Diane asked confused and Y / N could feel her gaze on her.

"I don't know," she replied and shrugged her shoulders.

"I played black-"

"Oh come on, you can't be serious"

"It was just a premonition, one of us had to win anyway and I just assumed you would be the one," Y / N tried desperately to justify herself before looking back at Diane, who was slightly confused and shook his head with a smile.

"You're weird," she muttered and Y / N felt a small sting in her chest. She hated it, when she was called that. As a social phobist, her greatest fear was, that people would perceive her that way. All she wanted was to be seen as normal, not as a weirdo.

For a few seconds she involuntarily lost herself in Diane's brown eyes and in these seconds her head was completely free of all anxious thoughts. To be honest, there was nothing left in her head. She could just stare. Diane finally cleared her throat and Y / N immediately averted her gaze in shame.

"I should go now, it's late and I have to go home," explained Diane as she got up.

"I have to go too," said Y / N quickly as she started clearing the board.

"Uhm, thank you, Miss Y / L / N," Diane said sincerely and smiled gently.

"It was great fun."

Y / N only nodded briefly and continued to collect the pieces from the board while listening to Professor Sherman's footsteps moving further and further away.

---------------------------------

It's like that with social phobia (at least for me): When I meet people and I'm very nervous in this situation qnd the meeting can be as relaxed as possible, but in the end only the things that stick in my memories is that, that were not perfect . Please don't get me wrong, shortly afterwards I am always very relieved, because all of my bad fears (like that I'm breathing too loudly) have not come true, but the more I think about this situation and how well everything went, I notice that it was still not perfect. There are little things that bother me: a confused look, a long moment of silence, the fear, of having laughed too loudly or the fact, that I accidentally touched the person I met while running.

I just want to do everything right and in no case overreact or do too much. And these little things that I mentioned above make me feel, that what I've done was too much and I decide to do less next time. Saying less, laughing less, just less.

And in the end, I really only have the things, that bothered me and after a while that's all I can remember.

That's why Y / N could only remember the moment, when Diane called her "weird". It was actually nothing, but Y / N feared nothing more, than the judgment of strangers and Diane's testimony hadn't really helped her, on the contrary, Y/N hated her literature professor now and had decided to skip the next seminar with the excuse, that she was sick.

And somehow she felt sick too. Y / N was of the opinion, that no one could understand her better than herself. She knew exactly what she had experienced. She knew, why she was the way she was and just the thought of talking to someone about it, made her tired. And when Diane called her weird, she realized again, that people can't help but judge. Advantages and clichés change our view of things so much and Y / N knows that, because she was not better.

To make matters worse, she had had to stare into her professor's eyes for a few seconds too long. Diane had to hate her, even though she'd said thank you for the game at the end. But as I said, over time that faded and the only thing that Y / N left of the afternoon was the moment, Diane called her weird and the brown color of her eyes, in which Y / N had lost itself a little too long.

Those were the things that were "too much".  And at night Y / N lay with her head buried in the pillow, repeating this mantra in her head, which she always said to herself, when she had spent the day outside of her comfort zone:

"I hate people. I hate people. I hate people."

Sometimes Y / N's comfort zone was only the radius of her bed and then she hated getting up early. There was also her annoying roommate Andrea, who often dragged strangers into her room during the day and Y / N hated people. However, Andrea was also one of those people, who preferred to spend their nights in strange beds rather than their own, which is why Y / N was often alone at night.

It was Monday afternoon and Y / N had been in bed all day reading some stupid book. Probably no one had noticed, that she was missing from Diane's seminar today, she was practically invisible.

And when there was a knock on the door that afternoon, Y / N assumed, that it was Andrea who had forgotten her key again.

Y / N was wearing leggings and sweather and still she felt naked when she climbed out of bed to open the door, which was because she wasn't made up. When she opened the door of her room and saw who was standing there, she wanted to slam the door again.

"P-professor Sherman," she stuttered awkwardly, staring into Diane's slightly smiling face.

"What are you doing here?"

"I, uh, I just wanted to see if everything is okay with you," replied Diane with crossed arms. Y / N frowned.

"Do you visit all of your students, who are sick to see if they are okay?"

"I uh- No".

Diane shook her head.

"May I come in?"

Y / N's eyes widened slightly.

"That's not a good idea," she said quickly.

"It'll only take a moment, so please."

Y / N took a second to think about it. She hated Diane, this woman had destroyed Y / N's comfort zone and didn't have to do much to get it. Y / N was so emotional and so vulnerable that a little "weird" was enough to make her insecure.

"Okay," she finally said, nodding before turning to let the woman in.

Now she noticed, how chaotic the whole room was and she was immediately ashamed when she pushed Andrea's shirt aside with her foot, before she sat on the edge of her bed. Diane had closed the door behind her and crossed the room to take the chair at Y / N's desk, which was next to the bed.

"So, how are you?" Asked Diane, sounding a little uninterested, if Y / N could tell.

"I'm okay."

Y / N shrugged.

"I'll be honest," Diane began, staring lost at the chess board, that was on Y /N's desk.

"When I found out today, that you called in sick, I was initially concerned, that it was because of our chess game."

Y / N's eyes narrowed. Damn it.

"Why should I call in sick about it? It was nothing," she lied and Diane nodded quickly.

"I know," she muttered, pensively lifting a black pawn off the board to turn it between her fingers.

"That was, to be honest, the best chess game I've ever played with anyone."

Y / N snorted and shook her head.

"Then it seems like, you've never played with good players, I'm actually really bad," she said with a wry smile.

"It doesn't really matter," muttered Diane.

"I was just afraid, you'd called in sick, because you might find it strange to play chess with me, as your professor."

"And you thought the situation would improve, if you just visit me, as your student, in my room?", Y / N replied confused and Diane just shrugged her shoulders.

"I guess- Uhm, it would be nice if you go now", Y / N explained and got up, because she wanted to go to the door to open it, but when she made the first step, Diane suddenly grabbed her wrist and Y / N immediately whirled around to face her. She stared into Diane's eyes, which looked up at her with concern.

"Are you depressed?" She asked quietly and Y / N decided to hate her even more. Diane found her weird at first and now depressed. Then there was her tight grip on Y / N's wrist, Y / N hated body contact.

"What the hell, no," she hissed and pulled her arm free from Diane's grip. With quick steps she ran to the door to open it again.

"I think you should really go now, I don't want anyone to see me in the dorm with you."

Diane stared at Y / N for a few seconds, before finally getting up and walking to the door as well.

"I'm sorry, that I bothered you," she muttered without looking at Y / N.

"Get well soon, Miss Y / L / N."

With that she stepped out of the room and Y / N immediately locked the door behind her when she felt tears sting her eyes.

I hate people.

[fox-steward]

hi. i hope you don't mind me asking this but i need some advice.

i was born female, and ive always been a tomboy, sometimes in the most stereotypical way. i was also a little lesbian who didn't know it yet. but after my younger sibling came out to me as trans, i started second guessing everything about myself.

for the sake of my sibling, who im closer to than anyone in my life, i learned about what theyre going through to support them and ended up getting taken in myself. i consumed all the yaoi and gay fanfiction they did, i read up on all the identities that were within the trans umbrella and eventually i started to think i wasnt a girl at all, but my infact a feminine transboy.

i never was able to transition on account of my family but the growing inner hate i felt for myself made me want to because deep down I knew that no matterr what i said or believed, id never be the cis gay boys i, essentially, fetishised and craved to be. it made me miserable, but i wanted to be accepted so badly that i stuck with it. but then i fou d your blog and others like it, and reading through it, whole reevaluating myself made me realise how misguided my mindset was.

despite realising that me being a tomboy is perfectly fine, i cant help but cling to that idea of being a boy, even though i have no idea what it means to "be a boy" or "feel like a boy". all i know is what the media portrays boys, feminine boys and gay boys to be like, and i clung to that idea for so long that i believed it to be my identity.

i just wanted to ask, if i can, how can i get over this mindset? i feel terrible because my younger sibling still identifies as trans without a shadow of a doubt, and my questioning of myself makes me feel awful, but i also feel bad because... i dont know who i am really now. how can i just be me again?

sorry this is long. any advice would be very very much appreciated.

it sounds like you’ve been through it, anon. whew! i just wanna acknowledge what a mindfuck you’ve been through, and it’s normal to feel no so great.

i actually think you’re grieving, strange as that sounds, but hear me out. being female is not easy, being a masculine woman comes with its own set of challenges, and imagining yourself as a “gay transboy” was an escape from all that. you could imagine a future for yourself where you grew up to be a gay man, not a gay woman. it’s worth noting relationships between men are the only sexual/romantic pairing that isn’t party to misogyny within the relationship itself.

it’s intoxicating to imagine we could have that ourselves, huh? it happened to me too, and i’m not even actually attracted to males at all, i was really just seduced by the idea of a relationship of equals.

but this. is. a. fantasy. one we as female people can never achieve.

so you’re grieving the vision you had for your future. your grief doesn’t care that the thing you promised yourself is impossible.

you’re undergoing another shift in the way you see yourself, the way you imagine yourself moving through the world. that’s hard, anon. being a tomboy, while absolutely lovely and perfectly fine, can be really difficult in our misogynistic society. it’s like that dworkin quote i’m about to butcher—something something absolutely excruciating to be fully aware of the misogyny all around us. you get the gist. and she’s right, but that doesn’t mean it’s not worth it.

so idk, i don’t have any specific advice, but i do know a lot about grief. with grief, you gotta accept you’re gonna feel shitty for a while and absolve yourself of the responsibility of ~fEeLiNg HaPpY~ for now. i’m being flippant because happiness is a mirage anyway. we get pricks of joy, moments of brightness or laughter, flow and contentment, enjoyment, pleasure, and these fill in between other moments of discomfort or monotony or tedium or malaise or or or. and if we’re lucky we are aware when the good stuff is happening, so that we can pause and say, gee this is nice. and if you get enough of then and you’re aware enough as they’re happening, perhaps you can tie it up in a bow of hindsight and call it contentment.

tangent, sorry. practically, keep yourself busy and tire yourself the fuck out, tbh. when my wife left, i started just going and doing things, anything i didn’t actively NOT want to do. dancing, concerts, art class, bike ride, walk a friends dog, cooking class, sit in a field and listen to music.

just do anything. i know it’s hard during covid, but it isn’t so much WHAT you do but THAT you do. take the field example—you have to travel there (that kills time!) and maybe you walk or bike (that is physical activity) then you do the thing you planned to do (takes more time) and you have to travel home (more time and activity) then you have completed something you set out to do (an achievement/free endorphins).

i also took up running when she left (tire myself the fuck out) and that changed so much for me. with grief, rumination and sleeplessness plagued me; running took both those out of the equation. so my sleep improved, i got stronger and my cardiovascular fitness improved, i ate better, i got to see myself improve and achieve goals, got to build an identity separate from who i was in my marriage. so i cannot recommend running enough.

and as for identity, finding out “who you are”—identity is a trap. don’t cement yourself to any one thing because everything changes. don’t define yourself by externalities, just be open and curious about your inner life, your qualities (which are also able to change btw) and start to strengthen the ones you like, like training a muscle. i practice (literally practice) kindness and discipline, which are important qualities for how i see myself. i also practice at compassion and i like how these things make me feel and how i show up in the world when i’m practicing at them. what qualities will you train in yourself?

you’re not defined in relation to your sibling, btw, and they aren’t defined in relation to you. you can question transness while still loving them.

you’re gonna be just fine, anon. you have plenty of time. grieve the future you can’t have, even though it’s truly for the best, and cultivate a person in yourself you’re excited to be. good luck.

[harristops]

Yanno it’s really shitty for Ashlyn to always have so much hate in her mentions but also imagine how it is for ali to always see ash being torn down and overlooked… like ali sees first hand the blood, sweat and tears that ash puts in and alis been there for so many moments of disappointment and injury. Like ali has to see the person she loves fight through so much adversity and never get the credit she deserves. Ashlyn can’t even win save of the week or save a freaking PK without someone coming at her and saying she’s overrated or trash or some shit…. Im just tired of it and ali and ash deserve so much better. I wouldn’t blame them if they took a step back from SM because the ‘fans’ and trolls have just gotten out of hand, it’s so awful and it needs to stop

Honestly, I never even thought about how much it would affect AK. Like, Ash has learned to brush it off/block out the noise, etc., but I can't imagine how much anger and hurt AK feels watching her wife get torn apart over every little thing she does (and even things she doesn't do). Like to be the woman who stands beside Ash, day in and day out, watching as she throws everything she has into the game, from her body to her mind, and never get the recognition or appreciation from anyone, regardless of whether they're the federation or "fans". She's given the national teams (youth and senior combined) more than half her life, given everything to the Pride even when other players fail to show up or do the same, keeps her head down and doesn't complain or get mad (unless at herself), and she is grateful and humble in every opportunity she does get on the field.

I especially think back to 2016, when distance came into it and Ash was becoming lowkey concerning with how many depressing tweets and IG posts she would make, and I remember that one post AK retweeted which was like "you matter to me" or something after Ash posted that long post about her self-worth and mental health. She's always worn her heart on her sleeve and it's taken advantage of by so many people (again, the "give an inch, take a mile" phrase Ash mentioned really sticks with me here). She is so selfless and has a massive heart under her hard exterior, and people love to paint her to be this self-indulgent, vain, supervillain that is shit at soccer. Not to mention, Ash could barely celebrate her best season because those were the years AK was kicked off the roster and she put herself aside to help AK train, supported her coaching career, and picked her up (literally at times) to get her through every day. She wasn't the nicest person to Ash back then either, and I doubt Ash minded, because at the end of the day Ash cares so deeply about her family, about her relationships, that soccer takes a back seat for so much of it. She's said it so many times that this is her career, but it doesn't bleed into her family life. I feel gutted for her in every interview when she beats herself up with the "I've failed miserably" or the "I haven't been the best daughter/sister/friend" or even "I've disappointed a lot of people". She is so hard on herself and yet is still so kind to others. This is the same woman who's faced countless criticism, countless struggles from poverty to addiction to injuries to mental health challenges, and she still treats every day like a gift, not a burden.

I think the thing that gets me the most about this Ash slander is how no one has ever stood up for her. She's gotten all this hate, all of this criticism, but when AK was dropped from the team, she got support. When Hope said what she said, Carli spoke up for her. Whenever a teammate gets down in the dirt, Ash defends them. She spoke out against H*nkle and the homophobia. She defended AK when she was left off the roster (though more subtle and more professionally). Like she's always standing up for others, being the big guy for the little guy, and yet no one really extends the same thing back to her (except now AK, and again in a very professional way). Should Ash be #1? No, things happened and she got injured at the wrong time and it was all a mix of different things, but she made her peace with it. She doesn't tell the media that it's disrespectful she got snubbed - she instead supports the crap out of Alyssa/AD/Jane and wants them to succeed because she's a team player, not an individual player. She cares about them as humans and would do anything for them in that supporting role. You could genuinely not ask for a better teammate than Ash.

I don't know how AK does it, watching the woman she loves get bullied on social media and be cast aside from opportunities with no valid reason. Every achievement Ash has is overshadowed by rabid fans either "defending her" and making things worse by making her look out to be an untouchable God of some sort, or the anti-Ashlyn "fans" who are just out to replay that same clip of her conceded goal from that Romania game, or outright saying disgusting and nasty things to her (and tagging her?? Like why the fuck are you tagging them in it, what bullshit). Both ways it's terrible; the people defending her so violently only make her look worse and it only encourages people's hatred of her or disrespect of her actual ability.

It's so funny people weave all these storylines and narratives for her but Ash remains unbothered (at least publicly) and I think this irritates those morons into posting more frequently with the intent to grab her attention or get her to talk back (which she is far too professional and compassionate to do). It's a shitty situation all around, but it's truly depressing to watch her get taken apart when she's done absolutely nothing wrong to any of those people.

[walker-journal]

Clocks and Cyrophoenix (Adam +Alfie- POTW)

Characters: Alfonzo Ramirez (Phoenix- Annie), Adam Walker (Hunter-Tapir)

Summary: The search for Nell continues in a frost dimension where Adam meets a grouchy charmander. 

Content Warnings: head trauma 

One minute Alfie was walking back to his apartment from a quick stop at the mailboxes, and the next he found himself at the edge of a cliff. His heart lurched into his throat as he reeled back in the nick of time, barely evading what was most certainly a fall to his death. Loose rocks beneath his feet tumbled over the precipice.

Wild eyes frantically took in his new surroundings; colossal pillars stretched beyond the void overhead. The air hummed menacingly along with the echoes of animalistic grunts — the source of which were out of sight. Frost covering the ground turned to sludge underneath his feet as condensation formed from his breath.

This wasn’t the elevator.

“Son of a bitch,” Alfie breathed, stumbling backwards as he shook the slush from his shoes. His day was going so well up until now. He turned slowly, trying to get his bearings on the unfamiliar environment. If there had been an outlet, it was long gone, leaving only a winding ravine behind him. He was left with no choice but to follow it in hopes of getting out of whatever hellscape he’d been thrust into.

He knew he should have taken the stairs today.

A figure dropped down from the edge of the ravine in a rush of white, beige, and glistening metal spikes. The assailant was dressed in the pale camo of arctic warfare gear, the darker colors of bandoliers and a goggled helmet were the only parts of their silhouette distinct from the surrounding snow. Black blood already drenched the tips of the two surgically sharp ice picks the attacker wielded in each hand. A shadow fell over Alfie as those brutal points descended towards his skull.

Yet the figure’s deadly blitz was broken by a sudden hesitation. The arctic soldier veered away from Alfie, sliding down onto the ravine bottom in an awkward stumbling gait as they tried to work off the momentum of the aborted assassination.

Two gloved hands reached up to lift opaque black goggles up from squinting brown eyes.

“Alfie?”

If Alfie thought his situation couldn’t get any worse, he was wrong. He hadn’t been travelling through the ravine for more than five — ten? fifteen? — minutes before being ambushed. He was completely unaware of anything lurking above until it was too late.

As the figure dropped into his field of vision, Alfie staggered backwards. With a piercing yelp, his back hit the ground and he scrambled to regain his footing. Not that it would have helped him any, but he was prepared to bolt away until the hulking silhouette gave pause and spoke his name.

He sat there, dumbfounded, as his eyes focused on the form of… a man? No — not just any man, but an irritatingly familiar one at that.

“Adam?!” Alfie questioned, incredulously.

What kind of fever dream was this? First, the elevator-turned-hell-dimension, and now Nell’s boyfriend was here? In all fairness, it could have been far worse. Still, he was floored.

“Uh, not to sound rude or anything,” Alfie said, pushing himself to his feet as the melting ice ferociously nipped at his skin. “But what the fuck?”

“The fuck today is that your ass is in Ice Hell,” Adam said, pointing one bloody ice pick up towards the sky.

  At first the sky appeared to be filled with moons, hundreds upon hundreds of pale lunar shapes, some of which loomed so large over the horizon that collision seemed possible. However more scrutiny revealed them to planet-sized icebergs floating in a frigid voice. Titanic ice bridges stretched across the emptiness between some of the colossus ice shapes in the sky, forming a glittering lattice which refracted light in dizzying refractions, casting everything in an eternal glittering twilight.

“Thought you might be another demon or one of the heat-drinker corpses when I picked up your vibes,” the Hunter explained. “But hey man! You're alive and not a chest burster alien! Sweet!”

“Ice Hell,” scoffed Alfie. That was just his luck, wasn’t it?

As he wiped his damp hands against his jeans, Alfie’s gaze followed Adam’s gesture to the sky above. He had been so preoccupied earlier by how he was going to get back home that he didn’t even notice the moons gleaming above. It was beautiful — or as beautiful as a hell dimension could be; not that Alfie had any experience with them.

His eyes fell back on Adam as he let out a disgruntled sigh. The palms of his hands ached as a result of the ice melting beneath his touch, but at least he still had his life. All things considered, it could have been much worse. Like being impaled with one of the Hunter’s menacing ice picks.

“Yeah, for now,” Alfie huffed. “Appreciate the whole… not killing me thing.” The same could have been said even in White Crest. Why Nell thought dating a Hunter was a good idea was beyond him, but at least she’d managed to keep the Ramirez family secret under wraps for this long. Still, Alfie didn’t trust Adam as far as he could throw him — which meant he didn’t trust him at all.

“You don’t happen to know how to get the hell out of here, do you?”

“Neat trick,” Adam observed with feigned casualness as he watched the snow melt at Alfie’s touch. “How’re you doin that? It’d definitely save on hand warmers.”

“No problem man,” the arctic soldier replied with a grin, meeting Alfie’s barbed sarcasm with the blunt force of supposed earnestness. Adam had learned that passive aggressiveness was best met by taking everything they said literally. It was one of those private little games the footballer liked to play under the guise of thuggish dull-wittedness.

“Sure thing dude.” Adam took a few steps back and pointed up...and up….and up behind Alfie.

Both men stood in the shadow of a mountainous glacier. From the center of the behemoth mass of ice rose Voorhees Clocktower, towering above the demon wastes as if it were the last visible landmark of White Crest remaining after the Earth succumbed to polar night. Whether the frozen clocktower were some kind of copy or somehow an extension of their world into this dimension Adam couldn’t really say.

“The exit of this nut-freezer locker is at the top of the clocktower,” Adam supplied.

Leave it to Adam to notice the ice turn to slush at Alfie’s touch. He knew he needed to be careful about what he said to the other man, but finding the balance between an acceptable excuse and being suspicious was a difficult thing to manage. For a moment, Alfie considered lying that he was a spellcaster. He knew enough about them to potentially fake it, but he also had a feeling that Adam knew just as much — if not more — about spellcasters than he did.

“Trust me, it’s not that great,” Alfie answered dismissively. Regulating his body temperature was a helluva lot more difficult when his skin screamed out in pain from the damage the snow inflicted. On the other hand, if he didn’t regain some kind of control over it, he’d have much bigger problems than rousing Adam’s suspicions.

Alfie’s jaw dropped when Adam drew his attention to the clock tower. No way in hell — no pun intended — was he going to make it up there on his own. Especially not if he had more than being mistaken for a demon to be worried about. He remembered the mention of “heat-drinker corpses” and swallowed hard. So much for being alive.

“I’m gonna take a wild guess and say there’s not a bridge or anything up there, huh?” Alfie quipped. Wishful thinking. “Say, Adam… You’re not busy by any chance, are ya? I could use a tour guide if—” His words were abruptly cut by a blood-curdling screech. Eyes wide, Alfie froze.

“What the hell was that?” sputtered Alfie; the words jumbling together and coming out almost incomprehensible.

“One those No-face-yetis,” surmised Adam, without much sign of surprise.

The ravine walls merely came up to the hips of the figure that stepped down into the gulch, tall enough to easily discern at a distance. It seemed both skeleton and insectoid, a vague humanoid shape whose exposed bones seemed as much chitinous  exoskeleton as they were ossein. As the Hunter had said, the ‘Yeti’ had no facial features of any kind, only a long toothless slit down the entire center length of its body that parted and closed in long rasping breaths. Its arms hung down nearly to its feet, all its cadaverously slender limbs tipped with long claws that seemed merely an extension of its chitinous bones. Dark hair clung to the patches not covered in exoskeleton, forming a black mane that rippled in the arctic wind.

“I named that one Jasper-Rasper,” Adam informed Alfie, as if this were the most important point as he frantically motioned for Leah’s nerd brother to run like hell.

“No-face-yetis,” Alfie repeated; testing out the words to see if that would help them make more sense. It didn’t. Seeing the beast in the flesh was just as surreal. But he had to admit, Adam’s description was upsettingly accurate.

Alfie was already worse for wear. There were blisters forming on his hands where he pushed himself off of the ice; his elbows, too, were inflamed from the contact during his fall. But he had no intentions of dying — especially not here.

“You gave it a pet name?” he asked incredulously, shooting the other man a look of disbelief. “I’m not sure if that helps,” Alfie quipped. Either way, he wasn’t about to stand around long enough to find out. The moment Adam gestured in the opposite direction of ‘Jasper-Rasper’, Alfie pivoted sharply. The soles of his shoes disagreed with the texture of the ground as he ran back down the ravine.

Just when he thought he was safely out of reach, the earth trembled beneath him. Bleary eyes did their level best to concentrate on the path ahead. The way was blocked. Not by one, but two menacing creatures, far smaller in stature than the burly yeti. Alfie’s heart leaped into his throat and he skidded to a halt. Curious heads rose from the center of precariously slumped shoulders. For a moment, they didn’t seem to notice him standing frozen in his tracks. A cloud of smoke formed as Alfie’s breath mixed with the frigid air. Suddenly, the figures bolted towards him.

Without thinking, Alfie allowed adrenaline to take control of him. His arms raised, palms facing the pair of demons charging down the ravine. Flames sprouted from his fingertips and spread to his wrists. Alfie braced himself, daring them to come any closer. He couldn’t rely on Adam to save him. He wouldn’t. He was going to get the hell out of here and pull his own weight doing so.

Apparently Alfie was a grouchy charmander, but death was approaching too quickly for Adam to question it.

“Uh oh, Mantis Dogs, watch out for the grabby claws, they’ll pull you under and rip you apart with the other legs.”

The ‘Mantis Dogs’ in question were demonic hexapods with a pair of raised forelimbs. Their bodies were covered in shaggy fur whose extremely pale shade of blue  blended in well with the glacial ice of the ravine. Although their six legs were vaguely canine, the bone spurs on the back of their limbs were long and hooked for snagging prey in a deadly grapple. Drool dripped from eager panting mouths surrounded by a ring of faceted sapphire eyes. Spined raptorial legs like those of a mantid extended from the lesser demon’s hairy shoulders, lunging out at Adam as the closest of the insectile canines came within grabbing range.

Conscious of the giant faceless approaching them from the rear, Adam dropped to his knees as the demon’s mantid claw thrashed at the thin air where his shoulders had been moments before. The Hunter swung one of his ice picks and lodged it in the demon’s side, carved a long furrow that seeped noxious white blood as the creature’s momentum sent it careening past him.

Alfie hated it here. He hated the cold. He hated the snow. He hated the various hell-beasts there were wandering around that wanted to kill him. Not to mention that there were evidently monsters running around that fed off heat and would surely suck him dry.

As Adam effortlessly tussled with one of the Mantis Dogs, Alfie concentrated on the other. Clearly, the flames weren’t keeping either of the creatures away. He flinched as the second Mantis Dog lurched forward with bared teeth. Reflexively, Alfie flicked his wrists and two orbs of fire hurdled towards the beast just as it launched itself into the air for its attack.

Alfie stumbled backwards with labored breaths, narrowly dodging the marred body whirring past. The world around him was a blur and his heart pounded in his chest. Putting out that much energy was draining enough in a normal environment. But here? With his hands and elbows already blistered by the ice water, he was already weaker than usual.

The screams of the hexapod intermingled with the ringing of his ears. Slowly, Alfie’s eyes focused on the scene unfurling before him; a thrashing heap of flame and fur as the creature screeched in agony. “I shouldn’t have done that,” he admitted. His eyes fell back on Adam before he glanced over his shoulder to the faceless yeti behind them.

“What now?” he asked shrilly.

“Into the caves Charmander,” Adam shouted as he buried an ice-pick hilt deep in one of the Mantis Dog’s forelimbs and twisted the weapon. There was a sickening crack as the mantid claw snapped, dangling from a few tendons as the insectile canine howled in agony.

But pain shuddered up through Adam’s leg as he drove the other pick deep into one of the Mantis-Dog’s pupil-less blue eyes and kicked the creature off him. He looked down to see one of the demon’s hooted leg spurs had gotten him on the thigh. It was just a graze, but with how sharp demonic claws were that’d been more than enough to slice a laceration down his leg and rip open his arctic gear to the cold.

Shit shit shit, not good.

But a huge shadow fell over the ravine and Adam didn’t have time to think about that. A rush of displaced air let the Hunter know what was coming without having to look up.

“Alfie heads up!” Adam ignored the agony in shooting up his leg as he sprinted towards Leah’s dumbass brother. With no time to explain, the footballer slammed into Alfie with a full bodied tackle, slamming him against the ravine’s ice wall.

Jasper the Rasper’s taloned hand slammed down where both men had been seconds before. The impact of the giant’s blow carved a deep fissure into the ravine’s floor. More jagged ruptures spiderwebbed outward from the broken crater and shuddering cracks wracked the ice walls. For a moment all Adam could see was Jasper’s silhouette looming against the sky of drifting icebergs. Even while kneeling down in the aftermath of pile-driving a hole in the ice, this No-Face Yeti was easily the size of a Harris Island mansion, a rolling hill of insectile chitin and black fur. Jasper’s body-length mouth yawned open sideways, each gasping breath turning the ravine into a wind tunnel.

“C’mon,” shouted Adam over the thunderous rasping. “We gotta head into the caves,” he claimed, pointing to gaps in the ice at the clocktower glacier’s base.

Before Alfie could even wrap his head around being called “Charmander”, a searing pain wracked his entire body. Adam was on top of him faster than he could force his legs to run. The ice burned cold against his skin as Alfie, wheezing, struggled to his feet. If he had to guess, one or more of his ribs were broken and he’d need several weeks to properly heal from the water damage. But it was better than the alternative. Dying wasn’t on his itinerary — granted, neither was being sucked into another dimension made to kill him.

This was the second near-death experience he’d had in the past few weeks; third in the last couple of months. But at least his life still made a little bit of sense then. At least back then he still had his friends. It was bullshit. All of it. "This is bullshit," Alfie thought aloud. Eddie. Nell. Dying in general. Dying in Ice Hell with no one but Adam there to know about it.

Rage boiled inside of him as Alfie staggered forward. For a moment, no amount of broken bones seemed to matter. Flames licked at his skin — patches missing where the ice bit into him. Fuck this dimension. Fuck this yeti-looking son of a bitch. He was losing control.

In one final blow, Alfie hurled a massive ball of fire towards the giant’s feet, immediately regretting it when he nearly collapsed onto Adam. Panting, he braced the Hunter’s shoulder, never minding his scorched clothes or Adam’s own mangled clothing. “C’mon,” he tried to encourage as his feet feebly carried him forward. His head was swimming. He was weaker now than moments before. “I’m not dying here. Clocktower, right?” He could make it. He had to.

Jasper the Rasper’s thunderous gasps echoed after Adam as he led the way towards the caves. The Mantis Dogs had regrouped and gave chase across the shattered obstacle course of the ravine. Pain shot up Adam’s leg as he vaulted over toppled  ice shelves and fissures. He tried to make sure Alfie followed after him, though it was hard to concentrate on anything as the No-Face Yeti wrenched itself free of the ice and began moving with a strange rolling after the tiny thing that'd burned it.

Adam ducked into a vertical crevice in the ice, beckoning Alfie in as he slashed at the pursuing Mantis Dogs with his picks.

“I’m going to die in here, aren’t I?” Alfie asked once he was (somewhat) safely tucked away in the ice behind Adam. He was trembling from head to toe; his battered side screamed its pain while his ice-kissed skin told its own blistering tale. If the monsters of this dimension didn’t kill him, it wouldn’t take much for the Hunter to piece together what he was and finish the job himself. By now, the other man had seen enough of Alfie’s powers to have some inclination, and his skin burning from the slush of ice wasn’t doing him any favors. He briefly wondered if it would be better this way. At least then he wouldn’t have to worry about the curse awaiting him in the real world. “Don’t… don’t answer that,” he feebly amended.

When his eyes fell on Adam’s leg, Alfie’s stomach sank. He could fix that. At the very least, saving Adam might bring Nell back. “You’re looking for her, aren’t you?” Alfie asked, not bothering to elaborate. “I’m… I don’t think I can be of much use in here anymore, but I can try. Just… tell me what I need to do. What can I do?”

“Nah your sister would kill me if I let you die here, like...its super rare that fire chickens get to live with their kind or something like that,” Adam assured as he backed further into the cave system, keeping an eye on the wounded Mantis Dogs prowling around just outside the cavern’s entrance.

Alfie’s correct surmise drew a sidelong look from Adam followed by a nod. “Yeah, I’m trying to track the thing that took her,” the Hunter confirmed. “It’s a longshot but ….” He took off his googled helmet and ran a hand through sweaty brown hair. “Fuck its all I’ve got.”

Adam took a moment to consider Alfie’s offer, looked up towards where the cavern systems led up to the frozen clocktower and out to where demonic canines and a titanic yeti were raising hell. “First we need to get you out up to the Portal in the clocktower.”

Adam reached beneath his environment suit and undershirt, to pulled out a key on a length of cord. Comprised of scarlet coral, the key filled the cavern with a red bioluminescence that gleamed off the slick ice walls. “Our clues to whats going on a giant velvet worm that can go through dimensions, these keys, and the portals. I’m gonna keep looking for Nell but it won’t mean much if we don’t figure out how to seal the rifts.”

Adam placed the coral key back around his neck and tucked it underneath his clothing. “Honestly? Thats where folks back home could use the most help.”

Fire chickens. Oh, so Adam already knew. Alfie wasn’t sure whether he was more relieved or concerned, but ultimately decided that he was grateful. At least he didn’t have to keep worrying about slipping up in front of the Hunter. Leave it to Leah to inadvertently save the day.

As Alfie trailed close behind Adam, a frown formed on his face. After the uncomfortable conversation with Luce about Nell’s disappearance, Alfie thought it was best to back off entirely, but it didn’t stop him from worrying. Nell had been his best friend for years, after all. They may have had their own separate lives now, but he would never stop caring for her. “What exactly happened, anyway?” he ventured to ask. “I mean… What took her? Why?”

His eyes followed Adam’s gaze, falling on the clocktower that seemed all too far away at this point. If the other man had kept him alive this long, then Alfie just had to trust he knew what he was doing. Even still, he couldn’t stop thinking about Nell. What horrors was she facing where she was? Was she even still alive? It wasn’t fair that Adam would save him first.

Alfie scoffed at the idea of him being able to help close any godforsaken rifts. Until now, everyone had made it clear enough that things were under control. But weeks had passed since then and Nell still wasn’t home. It seemed hopeless. At least, that’s how Alfie saw it. “Yeah, I’ll— I’ll talk to Leah about it, then.” It was becoming a recurring theme these days.

“But what about those things?” Alfie practically shrieked, gesturing to the hellscape presently waiting for them. “How the fuck am I— are we supposed to get through that?”

“We were on our goodbye-it's-armageddon date when this portal opened up and evil alien gribblies everywhere,” Adam explained before lunging forward to swing an ice pick down at the clawed forelimb of a Mantis Dog that’d gotten to close inside the cave entrance. “We fought them and got the civilians to safety but a giant Hell Worm grabbed Nell when she was trying to close the portal.”

Adam nodded to one of the safety lines stacked to the wall that he’d set up earlier to spelunk his way up through the tunnel system. “I’ve set up lines that we can us to pull ourselves up to the clocktower. We’ll have to make it past Grabby Gabby, but it’s probably the fastest way home.”

Alfie’s brow raised at the mention of an armageddon date — a goodbye one at that. It was almost as if they were expecting to get themselves killed. But what did he know? If given the chance, Alfie would probably take the opportunity to spend time with someone he loved in the midst of the world crumbling, too. “A giant Hell Worm,” he tittered, running his palm down the length of his face. Knowing the nitty-gritty details of Nell’s disappearance didn’t make him feel any better. If anything, he felt worse.

“That sounds… dangerous,” Alfie remarked once Adam took the opportunity to explain his emergency route to safety. He felt drained enough as it was and heaving himself up the side of a cliff made out of frozen water didn’t sound ideal. What other choice did he have at this point? “After you, I guess.”

Adam produced a flashlight and affixed it to his helmet. He offered a carabiner to Alfie so that he might latch himself onto the safety line before beginning to climb hand over hand up the slick incline. He led the way up ice shelves and hacked his way through the perpetual forests of icicles that formed strange silent forests in the tunnels. The expeditioners’ reflections were cast in dim distortions through the caves, and Adam occasionally raised a hand for a halt and flicked off the light as much larger shapes momentarily drifted across the ice, or even directly through it in some cases.

“So, have you and Leah always been together? Did you like, rule Rome or something back in the day,” Adam asked as he washed a massive many-limbed shape swim through the ice below them as if where a whale drifting in the ocean.

Hooking himself onto the line behind Adam, Alfie cautiously trailed behind him. As much as he tried to mirror Adam’s every move, he couldn’t help but envision a tragic death for the both of them when his eyes wandered for too long. His knees buckled underneath him, threatening to make his fears become a reality before Adam spoke up.

“Not always, no,” Alfie mindlessly replied. His eyes shot back up to Adam on the line ahead of him once he realized he’d said too much. As far as Alfie was aware, Leah wasn’t privy to this sort of information herself. “I mean… we’ve been around each other for as long as I can remember, but unless one of our parents has something to hide, I think it’s safe to say we’re not fully related.” Alfie wasn’t sure if this was making things better or worse for his case.

“Like you said before, it’s pretty rare for… people like us to stick together.” Despite the fact that Adam knew, Alfie still couldn’t bring himself to say the word ‘phoenix’ in front of him. “Definitely didn’t rule ancient Rome together, though. I don’t think either of us have been around that long.” As grateful as Alfie was for the distracting conversation, he wasn’t particularly keen on discussing the nitty-gritty details of his heritage. Partially because most of what he did know was from stolen property, but also because it only begged more questions about why he was fated to die sooner than the rest of his family.

“I am much disappoint,” pronounced Adam with false solemnity, “I was all ready to here the secret history of Emperor Phoeligula….Chickligula?...Spartunix?”

The spelunkers no longer how to crouch as they passed into a cave that abruptly expanded into a vaulted ceiling of  stalactites that glittered like crystal chandeliers in the lamplight.  The cavern’s sweeping floor was riven by jagged fissures tens of feet in width with the spider-webbing cracks of impact that expanded outward from the far side. It was as if something massive had exploded into this part of the glacier but time and relentless arctic conditions had frozen it over. At the far end of the cavern was an ornate door set in worked stone, a mirrored entrance to Voorhees Clocktower

“Well here we are….gotta see if Grabby Gaby is up.”

For a moment, Alfie stared at Adam incredulously before murmuring a soft, “Uhhh…” But as he heaved himself onto more solid ground, he chose to drop the subject altogether. “Trust me, if I remember anything like that, I’ll hit you up,” he stated instead.

With a quick look around, Alfie shirked away. He’d been so eager to get out of this hellscape the moment he arrived, yet even with the exit in sight, something felt off. The first time Adam mentioned ‘Grabby Gabby’, Alfie falsely assumed that it was yet another affectionate nickname for one of the beasts he’d already been introduced to. Now he was much less certain. “Let me guess,” he said, taking a few uncertain steps forward. “Gabby isn’t as social as Jasper? But still has a tendency to not let any houseguests leave?”

“Pretty much” Adam looked at the fissures for a time before turning back to Alfie. “Do you have any fireballs left in you?”

Great, Alfie thought. That was reassuring. “Maybe one or two,” he reluctantly replied. His palms turned upwards as he gave Adam a shrug. Better to save his energy for when it counted most. “Just tell me when.”

Adam motioned for Alfie to follow after re-bandaging his leg with some cloth from his bag, trying to staunch the wound enough to make the run.

Adam wove a precarious path among the ice fissures as black tentacles exploded upward. Each of the sinuous limbs were covered by electric blue fern-like structures instead that splayed out into delicate coils. The tentacles snaking after Adam, their bioluminescent fern hairs incandescently beautiful in the darkness. Soon they seemed to be running through a rubbery forest of black trees with glowing frond branches.

“If you have any fire left that’d be great,” shouted Adam as he sliced open tentacles with scything swings of his picks.

As soon as Adam kicked it into gear, hulking into the face of danger, Alfie followed suit. But nothing had prepared him for the mass of tendrils awaiting them. Had it not been for Adam’s exhortation, he would have frozen amongst the beast’s tentacles and met his fate. “Yeah, yep… workin’ on it!” he called back. Mustering whatever energy he had left in him, Alfie willed his hands to spark.

Alfie narrowly dodged a glittering pillar of black that whirred past him, just before releasing a fiery orb, striking further down the monster’s tentacle. There wasn’t much time for him to recoup. With the clock-tower well within his sights, he had to push himself. He might not be able to save Nell, but he could at least live another day to see her, and help get Adam to safety in the process.

Another ball of fire shot from the palm of his hand as he weaved through it, jumping over the beast’s appendages as needed. “What’s the situation over there?” Alfie croaked, trying his level best to keep his voice free of desperation.

“Go go go! She’s a c’moning oh shit!

Adam carved a path of blue blood through the forest of tentacles, ducking away from the impacts of Alfie’s fireballs before charging though the withered stumps to those closer to the door. But the cavern kept filled with more and more undulating coils and glowing cilia ferns as Grabby Gabby’s true horrific body began to emerge from the depths of the fissures.

“Don't look back, just go!”

Adam desperately beckoned Alfie through the door as tendrils slithered greedily after. He slammed it shut just as the cavern filled with a sound like the wind screaming as it was cut into pieces.

[libraryofloveletters]

Healed

Matt Simmons x Reader 

Warnings: fem!reader, cursing, fighting 

Category: Angst 

Word Count: 1.8k

Author’s Note: I’ve been promising you guys this for months omg, I finally wrote it. The end took a turn but that’s that! :) 

Relief (pt.1)

-----

It had been a few weeks since the hospital incident and things were okay between you and Matt. It wasn’t awkward but it wasn’t back to normal either. You were in bed when Matt came home from a case, It was around 4am and you haven’t slept yet. 

You couldn't fall asleep. 

You missed Matt but anytime the two of you were together, his arms felt strange around you, as if they weren't meant to be there. The tv was playing quietly in the back, you were painting your nails when he walked into the room.

“Hey” he whispered, “I didn’t realize you’d still be awake” he sat beside you on the bed, “yeah, I couldn’t sleep.” He took the bottle of nail polish from you and tapped your leg. You shifted to the other end of the bed, laying back, your feet resting in his lap. You leaned back against your elbows, watching as he nailed the red nail polish onto your toes. 

“How was the case?” you asked him 

“It was okay. Same thing, different place” he told you before setting the bottle on the nightstand. You felt his weight lift off the bed, you looked over to see him walking in the bathroom and shutting the door. 

He didn’t even say anything, he just disappeared into the bathroom. You didn't notice he was back until he picked you up and moved your head over to the other side. 

“Put me down” you mumbled 

“I am” he put you back down on the bed, your head against the pillow now. 

He got into bed beside you, “are you okay?” he asked, “Why wouldn't I be?” you answered. He didn't say anything else, the two of you laid there in silence, neither of you asleep. 

---- 

The next morning, you woke up to an empty house. No sign of Matt, not a text or a note. 

Sighing, you got out of bed and headed to the bathroom to get ready. A buzz from your phone caught your attention, you picked up your phone to see a text from Tara who had sent you a picture of Luke and Matt cuddled up next to each other and asleep. You sent back a quick reply before heading downstairs. 

The kitchen table had a huge bunch of flowers on the table, with a small piece of paper sticking out of it. You walked over and picked up the paper.

“I’m sorry, 

Matt” 

You knew what he was sorry for but you didn’t care. You appreciated the flowers, it was the fact that he didn’t tell you to your face, he wrote a note and left. Did he really think that some flowers and a piece of paper would solve your problems ? 

You didn't even bother telling him anything, figuring you would talk to him when he got back. You picked up something to eat and your bag, heading to the hospital for the day. 

----

Matt left on Monday morning and it was now Thursday afternoon. He texted you to let you know that he landed, he texted to check on you and he texted that he was back home. 

You didn't answer any of his messages. 

He knew you’d be at the hospital, you knew he’d be at home. 

It was around 9:20 when you got a page to the front desk. Your shift was practically over, you only had ten minutes left and you were really hoping you could just get home. 

“Suzy, you paged ?” you tapped your fingers against the desk, she nodded and pointed towards Matt who was sitting in the waiting room, on his phone. You mumbled a thank you to her before walking over to him.

“What are you doing here?” you asked him, it came off much harsher than you expected. 

“Nice to see you too, I came to pick you up” he looked at the clock, “your shift is over in 10, isn't it ?” you nodded, “I'll change and be back” You left him in the waiting room and went to change out of your scrubs. 

fuck, fuck, fuck. 

You wanted the walk home to think about what you would say to him. Your phone buzzed, it was Matt. 

“I’ll be in the car, meet me there”

After quickly changing and getting your things together, you said goodnight to the ladies at the front desk and headed to the car. The drive home was silent for the most part, Matt asked about your day, you asked about his case. 

“Did you get the flowers ?” he pulled into the driveway 

“I did” you got out of the car 

“And?” he got out of the car

“And what ?” you walked into the house

“What do you mean?” he followed you into the house, shutting the door behind him. 

You shook your head, you couldn't believe his ignorance. You walked into the kitchen, Matt following closely behind you. 

“What’s your problem y/n ? I said I was sorry.” he stood by the counter, watching you move about the kitchen. 

“You’re sorry Matt ? What are you sorry for ?” you turned around to face him, you were by the table. 

“I’m sorry for what happened that day in the hospital. Things got out of hand” he looked up at you. 

“Are you fucking kidding me? You yelled at me Matt. “I get that you were upset but I was trying to help you, to get you to do what was best for you but you didn’t listen, you flipped your shit on me and got angry. I forgave you, I did but I won’t forget it.” You practically shouted at him. He went to say something but you cut him off. 

“And the fact that you thought flowers would fix this ?! Are you fucking kidding Matt ? I thought you were smarter than that. I thought you would have talked it out like a man but no. You chose to just leave flowers and a note. A fucking note that just said ‘I’m sorry’ what the actual fuck does that mean?” 

He stood there, unsure what to say. “baby.. I'm sorry” he started, 

you were pissed. 

You were beyond pissed, you were so angey that you would strangle him if you could. You settled for throwing the vase of flowers at him instead. He barely moved in time, the vase hitting his shoulder. 

“What the fuck y/n?!” 

“Fuck you Matt!” 

You stormed out of the house, you were walking but you weren't sure where to. 

You ended up at the park. It was late but you didn’t have your phone and you didn’t feel like going home. 

---- 

You were sitting on the park bench watching a couple take their dog for a walk. You weren't sure what time it was but it only felt like you had been there for a few minutes. 

A cold breeze blew though the park before a flash of lighting and the rain started to pour. 

“Are you kidding me ? This night can’t get any worse” mumbling to yourself, you got up. You were walking towards the street when you bumped into someone. 

“Watch where you're going” you said and pushed past them, the person grabbed your arm. “What the hell do you want ?” you looked up at the person, it was Matt. 

“Can you just leave me alone?” you walked away from him, heading down the street. He was only a few steps behind “y/n! will you wait? I need to talk to you” you continued to ignore him and kept walking. 

“y/n!” he grabbed you by the shoulders 

“Get off of me Matt. I don’t care about what you want to say” 

“Y/n please..” 

“I don’t care Matt! I can’t believe you did that. You’re not the same guy I fell in love with. You’re not the same guy that understood my anger, the guy that would sit and talk out our problems, the guy that wouldn’t just buy flowers and leave. I left the field because you thought it would be best for me, I didn’t have to do that but I did, because I trusted that you had my best intentions in mind when you said that. That’s exactly why I said you should too, not permanently  but only until you were better but did you listen ? Of fucking course not, you never do!” 

You couldn’t take it anymore, the fighting, the tears, the anger. It was too much and there was no way you could come back from this, not after that. 

“I’m sorry, how many fucking times do I need to tell you that? I know I fucked up but you won’t even let me make up for that! What is your problem ?! You say I’m not the same guy you fell in love with but I’m trying to show you that I am and you literally won’t let me. I don’t know how else to fucking make you happy. I’m trying y/n, I really am but we can’t do this if you won’t try too!” 

The two of you were standing in the middle of the street, yelling at each other in the middle of a thunder storm. You didn’t know what else to do, it felt like things  had come to an end, like there was no point in even trying to fix things. 

You were way beyond a point of coming back. 

“Maybe we shouldn’t try then” you whispered, looking up at him. 

“What are you saying y/n?” he looked at you. 

“We can’t keep doing this, it’s not healthy. It’s over Matt” 

“No, please. We can fix this, I can fix this” His hands reached out to touch your shoulders, you took a step back. 

“Goodbye Matt” your last words to him came out sadder and quieter then you had expected. 

Saying goodbye was the last thing you wanted to do but you had no choice. 

You turned the other way and walked down the street in the rain. Matt was shouting for you to turn back but you couldn’t. Heading down the street, you had no idea what would happen next. 

[storiesforallfandoms]

taking care ~ rook

word count: 1751

request?: yes!

“Could you do a story where Rook finds a girl drunk passed out in the field at fEST in the morning and he wakes her up and takes care of her the whole day?”

description: she wakes up to find that she was abandoned by her friends after passing out, only to be taken care of by the drummer of the musician she was seeing

pairing: rook x female!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist

“Hey. Hey, are you okay?”

You opened your eyes and immediately cringed at the headache you felt. It felt like someone was stabbing you through the brain with a million tiny needles. The hot sun was beaming down on you, that plus your headache made you feel nauseous.

You slowly pulled yourself to sit up, trying to keep the contents of you stomach down. When your vision finally cleared, you realized the person who had woke you up was none other than Rook, Machine Gun Kelly’s drummer.

“Holy Fuck,” you said before you could stop yourself.

Rook smiled. “I’ll take that as you’re okay then.”

“My head hurts and I feel like I’m gonna vomit, but other than that I’m just peachy.”

Rook chuckled. “Well, let’s get you out of the sun, and get you some water.”

Rook helped you stand, causing your stomach to lurch. You managed to keep the vomit down as you moved to the shade. Rook offered you a cold bottle of water he had been holding. You took it gratefully and chugged nearly half of it.

“Were you by yourself?” Rook asked you as he sat next to you.

You started to shake your head, but stopped when the pain was excruciating. “No, I came to fEST with a group of friends. They were...”

You tried your hardest to remember the night before. It was a haze of alcohol, drugs, and music. You could just barley remember your friend’s faces throughout the night, but you could remember seeing them walking away before you passed out.

“They must’ve ditched me,” you finally realized. “I don’t even have my phone, either. I left it at the hotel so we could have a fun, unplugged night. Those bitches.”

“You can use my phone to call them later.”

You nodded and took another mouthful of water.

“What were you doing out here, by the way?” you asked him.

“I have a tent I sleep in during fEST. I was about to go get ready for our set tonight when I saw you,” he explained. “Want to come with me? I wouldn’t feel comfortable leaving you by yourself while you’re still not feeling well, especially if you don’t have your phone.”

The offer shocked you. You had only met Rook literal moments ago, and he was inviting you to watch him get ready for his set? How could you turn that down?

You cautiously stood and followed Rook to the main stage where he would be performing that night. Your heart was beating so fast you were afraid you’d pass out or something. When Rook led you around to the backstage area and you saw his entire crew, including Machine Gun Kelly, you had to bite your lip to keep from saying anything too embarrassing.

“Hey man, there you are,” Kells said when he spotted Rook. “Where have you been?”

“I made a friend,” Rook responded, gesturing to you. “This is...uh...shit I never caught your name.”

“(Y/N),” you told him. “I’m (Y/N). It’s nice to meet you all.”

“Her friends ditched her so I’m taking care of her,” Rook explained. “We got any snacks? I have a feeling she hasn’t eaten in a while.”

One of the boys grabbed a sandwich from the nearby snack table and offered it to you. You took it and thanked them. You hadn’t realized how hungry you were until you took a bite and your stomach started to rumble.

Rook took his cell phone from his pocket and offered it to you. “Give one of your friends a call, make sure they’re okay, too. I’m gonna go rehearse for a bit, you’re free to chill here and watch or listen for as long as you want.”

You smiled gratefully at him as you took the phone. Rook smiled back and went to take his place to practice on stage. You took another mouthful of the sandwich, followed by some water, before punching one of your friends’ numbers into Rook’s phone. It rang for an extended period of time before a familiar voice answered.

“Hello?”

“Hey, (Y/F/N)? It’s (Y/N).”

“Holy fuck!” (Y/F/N) exclaimed. “(Y/N), we’ve been so worried! We were just getting ready to come back to the field to find you.”

“Wait...you guys...didn’t ditch me?”

“What the fuck? No! Of course we didn’t! The four of us got separated, remember? We couldn’t find you before we left, we figured you had gone back to the hotel after we got separated. When we came back and realized you weren’t there, we started freaking out. I’m so glad you’re okay.”

You could hear the voice of one of your other friends asking something in the background, followed by (Y/F/N) telling her that you were on the phone and that you were okay.

“Who’s phone are you calling from anyways?”

You debated on telling them that it was Rook’s, but you knew that’d be a bad idea. For one, your friends might not even believe you, and if they did, that meant they now had Rook’s number on their phone, which could definitely end horribly if you weren’t careful.

Instead, you said, “Some guy that found me passed out.”

“What?” (Y/F/N) said. “Did he hurt you? Are you okay? Do I need to kick his ass?”

“No, no!” you laughed. “(Y/F/N), calm down. He found me, woke me up, and started taking care of me. I’m okay, he hasn’t hurt me. We’re just hanging out and he’s helping nurse my hangover.”

“Okay, as long as you’re okay. Can you hold on to his phone all day? Or at least get him to tell you if I text him? We’ll meet you as soon as we get back to the field.”

“Yeah, I’ll be with him until you guys get here. I’ll make sure to tell him to let me know when you text.”

After some more fussing from your other two friends, you finally hung up. The guys were starting their rehearsal set and, although the loud music caused your head to pound even more, you felt happy to be watching from backstage. You felt special to be there, even if you were just someone Rook was taking care of.

Midway through the set, Rook’s phone buzzed and you saw that it was (Y/F/N)’s number. She had sent a text to let you know that they were heading to the field and where they’d meet you when you got there. Although you were glad to be reunited with your friends, you were a little sad that your time with Rook, as short as it was, was coming to an end.

When the guys finished their rehearsal set, Rook came backstage immediately to see how you were.

“You look a lot better,” he said as he sat down next to you. “Not that you looked bad before, you just don’t look like you’re about to vomit now.”

“I don’t feel like I am either,” you told him. “I called my friends, turns out we got separated and they thought I went back to the hotel. They’re gonna be here soon, they told me where to meet them.”

You noticed Rook’s face fall as you said this. “So...you’re gonna go already?”

You shrugged. “It’s not that I want to. I just think I should let them know that I’m okay, and actually go back to the hotel with them tonight and not pass out in a field again.”

Rook chuckled slightly. “Okay, that’s a fair point. A hotel bed is better than the hard ground.”

“You’re telling me.”

The two of you were silent for some time. You looked down at Rook’s phone, waiting to get a text from your friend to say they had gotten there. You were dreading getting the message, but you knew it had to happen eventually.

“I do appreciate you taking care of me, by the way,” you said. “It’s better than the alternative way I could’ve woken up.”

“It’s really nothing. I saw you there by yourself and I knew I had to make sure you were okay before I went on to rehearsals.”

You smiled at him and he smiled back. You felt your heart racing seeing the way he was smiling at you.

“Maybe this doesn’t have to be the end,” Rook suggested. “I mean, you do have my phone in your hand, you could very easily give me your number if you wanted.”

You raised an eyebrow at him. “Really? You’re willing to give the hungover girl you found passed out in a field your number? What if I’m a crazy stalker and this was my whole plan all along?”

“Well then, that’s on me. But I have a feeling I can trust you. There’s just something about you that...I don’t know, makes me feel drawn to you. Does that sound cliche?”

“Very, but I like a good cliche.”

You typed your name and number into Rook’s phone. The minute you pressed save, his phone received a text from your friend.

“They’re here, I should go find them,” you said as you passed his phone back.

“Okay, I’ll text you later. Enjoy the show from the audience.”

You smiled at Rook one last time before you finally stood and made your way from the backstage. The field was beginning to fill up again with people excited to see MGK that night. You pushed past the herds of people until you found your group of friends. The moment you approached them, one of them threw their arms around you.

“Oh, (Y/N), we were so worried!” she said. “I’m so glad you’re okay.”

“I’m fine guys,” you assured them. “Let’s make sure we stay very close together tonight, though, okay?”

They all agreed to this. One of them passed you your phone, which was definitely a good idea in case the same shit happened that night.

You unlocked it to see multiple missed calls and texts from your friends, probably before they realized your phone was left in the hotel. The most recent text, however, was from an unknown number.

“it was really nice meeting you. i hope we can meet up on better circumstances before i have to go away on tour again - rook”

You couldn’t help but smile to yourself before you and your group of friends went on to have the best night of your lives.

[clean-bands-dirty-stories]

Weak ~ S.R. (part 2)

A/n: A good song for this part is “Grow As We Go” by Ben Platt. Even though I wrote this inspired by “Weak” by AJR, I feel this song works a lot better :) Side note: for some reason I changed POV halfway through but for only one part? And I didn’t want to miss something so I just left it. Just... ignore that lol.

Word Count: 7000+

MASTERLIST

They call me after dark, I don't want no part. My habits, they hold me like a grudge- I promise I won't budge.

"Hey JJ," Y/n greeted as she braced herself in front of the office she now stood in front of.

"Hey." JJ's voice had become quite familiar in their time talking. Prentiss had also given her number, but they didn't talk as much. JJ, Y/n and Penelope had a group chat though and the three of them talked loads. "I heard you start your new job today. You excited?"

Y/n tried not to think about it. The first time she'd walked into the police station she usually worked at she'd had a panic attack, and even when it had gotten better she still couldn't find comfort there anymore. Everyone understood and they'd given her basically worker's comp as she searched for a new job. They'd even helped her out. But it hadn't worked and she couldn't find any other real work there, so she was back in DC. The place wasn't tainted anymore, but Y/n did miss the small town feel. The real problem was that Y/n hadn't told anyone that she had moved back. She'd just told them she'd gotten a job at the diner.

"Very," Y/n lied. "I have to start in a few minutes actually. Mind if I call you tonight?"

"Oh of course," JJ assured. "I thought you started later."

Y/n chuckled. The woman had become a sort of comfort for her. "I appreciate the check up call," she said. "I'll tell you how it went later." JJ agreed and they ended the call and Y/n walked inside. It was as far from Y/n's dream as she could get. Well, maybe now as far from, but it was just a printing store. You came here to get your pictures printed from a  camera, or you faxed them and they printed here. Posters. Invitations. Anything. Y/n wore a polo shirt and khakis. She was going nothing great for this world, but at least she could pay rent.

The day was long and boring. Y/n was glad to be home, but not excited to call JJ about it. She hated lying and this one might require her to do it. She could just tell JJ she was back in town and working literally BLOCKS from everyone else but... then they might ask to hang out and that would bring her around to see Spencer again and that was what she REALLY wanted but also what she even more needed not to happen.

"Hey Y/n!" JJ greeted. "I'm so glad to hear from you."

"Just get off of work?" Y/n asked.

"Just gave Hotch a new case," JJ corrected, sighing. "It's going to be a rough one." She paused. "I kind of wish you were here. We could get coffee while they get ready." She chuckled.

It kind of came out when she said that. "I actually am." A long pause. "I- I couldn't find a job. I lived here before I moved away, so I moved back. Uh. I could meet you somewhere?"

"Sure," JJ said slowly, processing what Y/n had just said.

Y/n planted her face in her hand. "I'll explain over coffee, okay?" JJ agreed and they hung up. Y/n headed out, meeting her at the nearest coffee shop they'd both agreed on. When the two women saw each other, their smiles grew. They hugged and then they parted, went inside, ordered, and got a close by place that would let them talk without possibly missing their order. JJ didn't have a lot of time before they all left. "Did you tell anyone I'm back?"

JJ pursed her lips. "I got the feeling you didn't want anyone to know."

Y/n sighed, covering her face. "I adore you guys, it's nothing like that. I just-" she laughed nervously, feeling her emotions rising. "Did you know that when I was a kid, I wanted to be a cop?" She laughed, looking anywhere but JJ. "I can't even handle one run in with a bad guy, let alone hundreds. Thousands. I'm not-" Y/n cut off. She was about to say 'worthy'. Something she screamed at herself all the time. But she couldn't say that to JJ- that would lead to her finding out about five and a half years ago. "Strong enough." That would work. "And because of that, I quit a job I really loved. Not even that- I just couldn't work there anymore. Quit and fired leave the idea that anyone wanted me to leave." She scoffed at herself. "And now I'm at Shutterfly printing pictures and talking to practically no one ever, standing around and waiting for someone to ask for a picture or a poster or something. I'm-" she huffed.

JJ reached across the table, hand resting against Y/n's arm. "You are not weak." Her words were so firm and sure that Y/n had a hard time finding something to argue. What had she been so sure of a moment ago? "You were kidnapped by a psychopath, Y/n. You were almost killed. That's horrible. Even we struggle with it for a very long time when it happens to us. The only difference is that we're conditioned to it every day of our lives. The fact that it bothers you is a good sign. We're... numb to it. It's really bad actually." She flinches, sighing. "You SHOULD be upset by it."

Taking a breath to stabilize herself, Y/n nodded. "I just... feel pathetic. And I don't want them to see me like this." She stared at the table, tracing her finger along the design. If she was being honest, it was really that she didn't want Reid to see her like this. After all, she'd told JJ just fine. But she wasn't being honest. When she looked up and met JJ's gaze, though, it was clear she didn't have to be. I guess that's what you get when you talk to a professional profiler.

"Okay." Their orders were called and they got them, heading out. "If I can do anything for you, Y/n, you have my number." Y/n nodded, but didn't say anything more. JJ had an odd look in her eyes that made Y/n nervous. "I promise I won't tell him." Neither had to clarify who she was talking. "Promise, okay?" Y/n nodded again and they hugged before JJ headed off to kick some bad guy ass.

Y/n felt terrible watching her go.

- First Person POV -

"You did what?"

"I got you a job here!" She repeated, sounded ecstatic. I felt horrified, and after my tone she continued at a very quick pace, as if to explain herself. "I figure you can get some second hand experience and see if you really are into this sort of thing. I know a lot of people like the idea, but sometimes when they get into this line of work they learn pretty quickly it's not for them. And that's okay. I just- I mean, it's just like your last job. You'll be an assistant; helping with paperwork, keeping this moving and organized and helping everyone go home sooner. We could use another set of eyes watching our backs- Hotch and I try our best, but there's just too many of them, you know?" It was an attempt at a joke, but when I didn't laugh she continued talking. "Plus, working here gives you great insurance. You could put yourself through schooling, for whatever kind of job you find you like most here. You might like to be a technical analysis instead of a field agent, or you might prefer something like my job that allows you limited field or... whatever." JJ had never sounded nervous before, but Y/n hadn't had too much experience in seeing her nervous in a personal situation, rather than seeing her face press or having to keep everything together under pressure. It was kind of endearing. "I thought it would be nice to know what you're getting into before you do it. And..." She hesitated. "We miss you. I haven't told anyone like you asked, but Garcia is dying to meet you and everyone always talk about how much we wish you were around to lighten up the mood like last time we worked with you.” JJ sighed. "Honestly, Garcia tries her best but keeping things light around here is hard, and it's taking a huge toll on her. It would be so helpful if she had someone to bounce off of."

Y/n found herself smiling. If she could really make a difference... I mean, if the job wiped out all of those who did it, who would do the job, right? Someone had to watch the backs of those too busy watching the backs of others.

She would be working Spencer constantly, but she tried not to think about that. She'd barely survived two weeks- how would she manage sharing a career with him? But, how could she turn him down? Wasn't the whole point of pulling herself together and becoming a better person and getting her old habits bated so that Spencer Reid didn't control her life anymore? This was the opportunity she'd been waiting for her whole life. She had no real excuses- she just couldn't let him hold her back from living her life, especially when he wanted to do anything but. She'd almost allowed her awkwardness with him deprive her of really good friends, which would have left her far from where she was now with this job offer. She needed to take charge and get the fuck over herself.

"You know what JJ, I would absolutely love that."

An audible sigh of relief sounded on the other side of the receiver and Y/n chuckled. "I'm so glad to hear that. I... did talk to Hotch because he's the one who hired you, so I may have fibbed a little about not telling ANYONE else- but he's good at keeping secrets, and everyone else will be shocked when you start. Should I brace them or do you want to break that news in person?"

Y/n couldn't help it- she smirked. "How could I turn down such a dramatic entrance?"

"I thought you would say that." Just from the sound of JJ's voice, Y/n could tell both of them had matching curves to their lips. It was that which made Y/n feel so sure that this would be a great thing for her. It wouldn't even be a big deal, beside maybe the initial shock of it all. She just had to not over think it.

-

Walking into a precinct full of people who were trained to pick apart every person they run across until they get into their head and saw their bare soul hadn't been a thought that crossed Y/n's mind until she walked into the room after JJ's rather dramatic and mysterious introduction. All eyes turned to Y/n and she almost died right then and there because the confusion burning in their gazes demanded to be satiated, and it seemed they were trying to answer the questions themselves rather than just asking. Their gaze bore into her, making her uncomfortable and awkward.

"Guys," JJ reminded.

Morgan blinked first. He grinned, standing up and approaching Y/n. "Oh my gosh! I-" he cut off, his arms twitching. "Are you good with hugs?" Y/n nodded wordlessly. When was the last time she'd been hugged? By... Maya. Oh god let's not think about that. Morgan wrapped his arms around her and she let his warmth distract her from dark thoughts. He gave great hugs- it was easy. She'd missed that feeling, goodness.

Prentiss was next. "Okay so I need an explanation here." She was smiling though, and her tone was as light as her hand as she rested it on Y/n's shoulders. She liked how touchy the team was. It was only in that moment that Y/n realized she was hungering for physical touch.

Pushing those thoughts down, Y/n tried to aim a little better for normal. "I kind of lost my last job because every time I went into the... Well, being back there made me kind of..." she motioned with her hands, trying to explain. Her face went red. "It's hard to return to the place you were kidnapped from." She cleared her throat, but there was no judgement from the people around her, just understanding. That made her feel worse. "Well, it turns out that small towns aren't as much my thing when the only other jobs are really menial, so I moved back to Virginia. I lived here my whole life before moving out there." She shrugged. "I was looking for real work and mentioned it to JJ one day since we talk a lot. And she'd amazing, so here I am." Again everyone nodded, but this time they had smiles on their faces and JJ beamed with pride.

"Well," Rossi began, but he was cut off by someone.

"Everyone out of my way!" The crowd beginning to form around me parted for a pretty blonde girl who was... very loud. Not just like voice wise, but with what she wore as well. It made my heart more full. It was almost a relief compared to all the neutral grey and black and the occasional blue or something. "I am Penelope Garcia, and we're going to be spending a lot of time together so I thought I thought I should ask now, how are with sexual humor and platonic flirting because this is like super essential to my personality."

Y/n giggled and everyone seemed to perk up, especially Garcia. "I'm kind of awkward," Y/n admitted. "But you can do whatever you want. As long as you keep that pretty smile on your face."

Everyone's jaw dropped, and Y/n and Garcia both turned red. Y/n blushed because despite what she'd just said she really was awkward. Garcia blushed because after what Y/n had said, she hadn't expected to be flirted with, neither had she been flirted with by such a cute, innocent person. She was used to Derek who was unapologetically sexy. "Oh," the blonde noticed. "We're going to be GREAT friends."

"I really hope so," Y/n gushed sincerely. Everyone seemed to be cheery already, smiles all around.

Then Y/n saw Spencer. He approached slowly, seeming shy as he gently maneuvered through people to get to Y/n. "Hi," he greeted softly upon finally reaching a comfortable distance.

It was suddenly pin drop silent, and the lack of chatter seemed so heavy that Y/n winced, feeling her chest rage against it. "Hello." Y/n cleared her throat, hoping her burning face could be excused by her interaction with Garcia, where it had started. "So. Anything major happening today?"

JJ saw the cry of help and answered the call instantly. "We have a new case."

"Thank god," Spencer whispered, ducking his head and moving away from Y/n. She didn't think he'd meant for her to hear it, and the words hadn't seemed to hurt anyone else, so she let them roll off of her shoulders. He had seemed pretty happy to see her, if a little awkward. It was probably weird to see her so social when she was so stiff with him was all. And after how heavy the air had been, she was relieved to get away from it herself.

Was this going to be how it always was between them?

Goodness she hoped not.

One sip, bad for me; one hit, bad for me; one kiss, bad for me, but I give in so easily. And no thank you is how it should've gone. I should stay strong, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that?

- third person POV -

"Hey, G," Y/n greeted brightly, two cups of coffee in her hands. It had been a few days on her first case, and already she understood what JJ had meant by Garcia struggling to keep the mood light. The woman hated to frown, let alone be serious, and unfortunately for her the rest of the team was pretty stoic. Thankfully she could bounce off of Morgan, but now that she had Y/n who was as equally positive - if not as high energy - the two women had come up with lots of things to keep each other in good shape. Like dorky nicknames only they used, and being around each other a lot, and sharing food and drink suggestions. Y/n was usually the one to get them since her job made her feel rather useless since she didn't do much to make a difference, but she could reason to herself that keeping Garcia caffeinated was the best thing she could do for the team other than be out there with them directly.

"Hey, Lovergirl," Garcia piped cheerily. Y/n chuckled at the nickname. Ever since her flirting, they'd been nonstop back and forth in a much more innocent way than Garcia was with Morgan. The man and Y/n had jokingly fought over Garcia, but then she had made a joke about how she had two hands and it had ended there. The sort of pure back and forth had let Garcia giving her more innocent nicknames, like Sweetheart and Lovergirl, rather than Chocolate Thunder over there. Someone had asked if they were dating and they'd both fist bumped after having a laughing fit over it. Somewhere along the way Garcia had mumbled, 'Lovergirl wishes' and it had been making Y/n smile ever since. She'd never had a friend like this before and she was basking in it.

Unfortunately, the rest of the team wasn't having as good of a time.

"It's so good to hear your voice." It was Morgan, making Y/n smile even wider.

"Not as good as it is to hear yours," Y/n replied calmly. "How you doing, Batman?"

The smile was obvious in his voice. "Much better now that you're here." Y/n giggled then settled in next to Garcia. They got to business after that. "What did I miss?"

"Nothing you want to know," Garcia sighed. She tried to keep her tone casual but Y/n could tell she also didn't want to talk about it.

"Fair enough. Anything I can do to help the most beautiful woman in the world?" She asked instead. "Give me literally anything, otherwise I have to leave your amazing presence and then where would I be?"

Garcia was grinning again. Y/n felt proud. "There's actually a lot of that footage still left. I got distracted by what you gave me last time. Want to see if you can get anything else?" Y/n nodded, getting to work.

It took a few hours until she found something, but when she did, her heart stopped. She snagged her phone, dialing Reid immediately. He answered on the second ring. "Y/n?" He seemed surprised, but his tone pitched up like he was happy about it too.

Y/n was too preoccupied to think about it. "What the likelihood of winning gambles at chance games?"

"Well what kind of chance gamble? The odds of winning the Lottery are approximately one in fourteen-million, where a person has a one in three million chance of sighting a UFO. Funnily enough, that's almost five times more likely than winning the jackpot. You are more likely to die of a flesh eating disease at one in a million than winning the lottery."

"Spencer?" Y/n smiled to herself, not being able to stop him. He was adorable. She pushed that to the back of her mind, shaking her head to refocus as well as wipe the smile off of her face. "How often do people have a so called winning streak in gambling? Like in casinos." He paused and Y/n's eyebrows together. "Spencer?" And then she realized her mistakes and her eyes widened. "I- uh- Dr. Reid."

He sucked in air before responding in a rasping voice, "Some scientists  actually believe that luck streaks are real, continued by the fact that people just choose safer odds and then keep on that streak every time they... anyway, the point it, based on how smart you are, you could keep winning constantly."

A thought caught in Y/n's mind. "Have you ever lost a gamble?"

His answer was immediate and clueless. "I haven't, no. Why do you ask?"

Y/n tried not to laugh and managed a soft chuckle. "No reason. Uh-" She shook her head again. God, why couldn't she focus?! "I was looking through more of that footage we got where we saw the masked unsub walking in the shadows and looking for someone to kill. Well I was looking through the extra footage the casino gave us- remember the bonus hours they said nothing happened on, but they gave it to us just to give us more hours? To be annoying, because they were mad or whatever?" Spencer hummed. "Well, a man matching the masked attacker's height, weight, and wearing the same suit shows up the next day gambling. For nearly the entire day, and then he goes home with far more money than he came with and he hasn't lost a single game." Y/n paused, biting her lip. "Not even once the whole day."

Garcia's interest has peaked at this point. She's rolls her chair over, eyes scanning the moment Y/n's paused on on the screen. The footage is from an old camera, so Y/n doesn't even know if they can make out his face. But there he is. Facing the camera and everything. "He wore the same suit," she whispers, horrified.

"Do you think he's killing to increase his luck?" Spencer asked hurriedly.

"No," Y/n answered immediately. Only then did she realized he'd asked Garcia, but the blonde was looking at her to explain her answer so she shot off. "The day before, he was agitated. Today, he's calm. Not confident, but completely at peace. It's not like that one case you talked about where a guy went around killing people because he thought it brought him luck. I looked back on feed for that and he was reckless- almost drunk, high on confidence. This man... it's like he got a good night's rest."

Spencer paused. "How do you know about that case?"

"Oh well JJ made a comment about how this one was similar to that one so I got the file and looked into it. We have the footage and everything on file." She shrugged, then saw Garcia's look of shock. "Should... I have not done that?"

"No you're fine," Garcia voiced. "That's just really impressive catch up playing."

Y/n blushed. "I'm just doing my job." She cleared her throat. "I could be wrong, I just wanted your opinion-" she cut off, catching herself for a second. "Reid."

She could feel him nod, rather than see it since they were over the phone. "Thanks Y/n. I'll tell the others."

"Anything for you, Wonderboy," Y/n teased. The line went dead. She felt her stomach twist. She was trying to treat him like she did everyone else, but every flirt hit different when it was directed at him. Even such easily dismissed ones such as the one she'd just delivered. She could feel Garcia's eyes locked on her so Y/n busied herself with her drink until the blonde had to get back to work, boarding on already wasting time they didn't have.

For now, she had escaped questions but every day it got harder as people seem to take everything she said and looked into it so see the truth where she tried to hide it.

God help her.

-

Y/n slipped into the elevator. This case hadn't gone very well, ending with gun shots ringing through Garcia's phone and a long silence of unknowing whether it was for the unsub or for their friends. Turns out, it was a little of both. One for the unsub, one for none other than Dr. Spencer Reid himself. He'd lost a lot of blood before anything could be done and now he was in the hospital and the entire team had had to pry Y/n out of that room and to her house so she could get cleaned up a little after having gone straight from hours in the office, stressing about work, straight to hovering over his bed waiting for him to wake up for just as long.

Now she entered the room again, nodding to a waiting Prentiss. "They told me to come send you outside next." Hotch had been getting them home one by one, as each of the team had been as worried as Y/n. "JJ and Hotch have kids and Morgan's on Garcia duty to make sure she gets some food and rest. Have you eaten yet?" Prentiss stood, shaking her head. "I've got this, and Rossi said he might drop by to keep me company if he can't get to sleep. Please."

"Thank you," Prentiss whispered as she passed Y/n on her way out. There were frown lines on the edges of her eyes and a strain to her smile. "Don't stay too long. Sleeping here can't be good for your back." It was a weak joke- everyone knew the other girl wouldn't leave this room again until he was awake. And he would wake up. Prentiss caught Y/n's hand. "Hey, you know it wasn't your fault right?"

Y/n flinched. She had been the one to give Reid the information about the unsub. Morgan had been a little skeptical of her idea since she wasn't a profiler, and it had put an edge on everyone else too, even Hotch who was obviously trying not to be partial. The truth was though, Derek was more experienced than Y/n was. He was more familiar with the team and had their trust a lot more. They had said something about Reid being partial, but Garcia and JJ had been pretty convinced too. That didn't help Reid when he went the extra mile to prove to everyone Y/n was right though. That he trusted her for a real reason. That there was merit to her words and observations. It didn't help him when he went a different direction than the others because he had a gut feeling and Hotch encouraged him too. It didn't even help when he'd taken JJ with him, since she was the only other person who believed Y/n as much as Spencer did.

It didn't help him when he got shot on Y/n's hunch. Got shot with her on the phone, waiting on baited breath just to hear JJ freaking out on the other end.

It didn't help him now either, as he lay in a hospital bed.

Y/n looked away. "Yeah."

"I'm serious," Prentiss insisted. "At the time, it was fair for us to doubt you. We-" she cut off, choosing better words. "We shouldn't have, because you did your work like the rest of us. But you are new and untrained, so it was fair to have pause at first. But Reid, JJ, and Garcia all backed you up and we should have been there for that. We could all play the blame game. If we’d just listened to Reid and JJ. If we’d believed Garcia. If we had been more open minded about you... But that’s isn’t fair. It's no one's fault but the unsub's."

That was another thing. The man who had put Reid in the hospital was still out there, already all better and heading out to jail. His eyes were open and there had been a smile on his face when he was getting toted off. JJ had told Y/n while she was in shock. He was fine and Reid was in the hospital and Y/n sat there hating the whole thing. "Yeah," she repeated, because she didn't have the energy to fight herself on how she felt versus what she knew to be real.

Prentiss seemed to see that struggle and recognized that she couldn't get through to Y/n anymore than she already had. So she left and Y/n was there alone. She took back her old spot, where she'd been until a few hours ago. Where Prentiss had been sitting before she came back. Now she sat back down again and rested her elbow on the bed. It was itching into late mid morning and Y/n still hadn't slept. Her eyelids were dragging against her, demanding she rest. She tried to fight it, but eventually her head drooped more and more until it fell next to Spencer's limp arm and the world was lost to her as she fell asleep.

There was a sense of being watched that ripped her awake again. Her eyes shot open and her fingers curled around the sheets, her body going rigid. A pair of hands shot out to wrap around her tense fingers, pulling them away from the bed in an attempt to soothe her. She thought it was Rossi for a second until she sat up and looked over to see a weakly smiling but very awake Spencer. Y/n felt her chest shake as she sucked in a relieved breath.

"Hi," he croaked.

"You idiot." Tears were blurring her vision as she held herself back from punching him in the arm. He was hurt enough. "I oughtta sock you."

He laughed. He actually laughed, the ass. "You were right." He got a little more serious, the look in his eyes becoming soft and his smile being filled with pride rather than amusement. "He was about to kill someone when we came in. You saved a life, Y/n. Maybe even more, depending on how long it would have taken us to get him with where we were taking the case. The profile was just wrong enough he might have gotten a few more people before we stopped him."

That made Y/n relax. "I don't forgive you for getting shot."

Spencer's smile widened. "I'll do better next time."

"You better," Y/n warned. "Or I'LL put you in the hospital next time I swear to god Spencer." His eyes twinkled and Y/n swallowed. "Er, Reid."

He chuckled again. "I like when you call me Spencer. JJ does it too. It's nice."

Y/n tried not to internalize that. "Well if this is us becoming friends then I require you to have a personal nickname given to you by yours truly which only I use," Y/n warned him. After what he had done for her, standing up for her, she couldn't think of them as anything else. It was weird, as the words made her anxiety spike. Was she slipping again? Would these things lead to her obsession again? She wouldn't have to stalk him anymore- now she was right by his side, all alone. What if she was taking advantage of that situation? What would happen if he rejected her friendship? What if they got into an argument? What if his sudden interest in her was just that she was the new kid in town and it faded and they became casual acquaintances after a little while? What if... what if he met someone and that smile he wore now was for them instead?

Y/n felt jealousy twist her gut and she tried not to book it out of the room right then and there.

"I would love that."

Her eyes focused back on him and his smile seemed to waver, picking up on her mood change immediately. "Perfect," she whispered, struggling to speak around the sensation that could only be described as feeling like her ribs crushing into her lungs and heart. She had to blend in though. She couldn't be awkward with Spencer. They were already looking too closely at her. She had to stay calm and keep her distance, but not so much that people noticed and started asking questions. This job meant too much to her she had to get it under control. "How do you feel about Pence?" Her fingers fiddled with each other and his eyes caught the moment immediately. She forced the energy to move to her feet instead, softly tapping where he could not see. "Hm?"

Only then did he answer the question, when she tried to pull his attention away from her body language and to what she had said instead. His eyes stayed trained on her, but he offered a casual, "Whatever you want to call me. I've heard you calling Garcia 'G' and I think that's neat. I've never really had a nickname other than Spence."

"You're right," Y/n mumbled, focusing her mind on the task at hand rather than her pathetic need to be as close to Spencer as possible, in every way she was allowed. GOD she was insane. But that wasn't the concern right now. Right now she needed to think about a nickname for Spencer. "That's too similar. What about just Pen?"

His smile returned and Y/n felt herself relax. "Isn't that Penelope's nickname?"

"We don't use it often, and now people have started to gravitate towards G because I'm a genius and it's way cooler." Spencer grinned and Y/n felt her chest squeeze even tighter. He was beautiful... BUT THAT'S NOT WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO FOCUS ON! "I can think of something else-"

"No I love it," Spencer rushed.

It was Y/n's turn to chuckle.  "I may slip into calling you Penny and you can't judge me for that."

Spencer's fingers brushed hers and she yanked her hand away, seizing up. He seemed to have something suddenly foul tasting in his mouth, but he managed, "I wouldn't ever judge you."

Those words. Oh god. She stood. "I'll get the nurses. Tell them you're awake. You need to eat something." She was gone before he could respond, leaving him confused and alone in her awake.

Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that. I'm weak, but I'm weak, and what's wrong with that? Boy, oh boy I love ya when I fall for that.

"Pick up," Y/n spat through a locked jaw to the ringing tone she was hearing. It had wrung too many times. She had called him so much and he hadn't answered once. She knew she wasn't paying him to be her therapist anymore, but he had said they were friends. To call him if she needed someone who understood to give her encouragement, or just to catch up. Why wasn't he answering?!

"Y/n?"

Relief flooded her body. "Michael." Her tense body relaxed all at once and it was so nice she almost toppled over. Someone stared at her and she waved at them awkwardly before turning away and hoping they minded their own business. "Michael I'm losing my mind."

He was quiet for a second. "Talk to me."

Y/n ran through everything that had happened since that first day in her old office when Spencer and his team had first entered her life for real, all up until the hospital visit a few nights ago and how she had been avoiding him ever since. "It's coming back, Kel. BAD. I can't get him out of my head, and every time he gets anywhere near my body gets all tingly. I DREAMT about him last night. He keeps touching me and it's like I'm getting struck by lighting. And then he said my name and my chest gets all crushed up again and I want to know everything about him and be around him all the time and GOD I'm so scared that I'm going to end up like one of these psychotic unsubs. I don't want to quit. I LOVE my job. But if I'm doing it again-"

"Y/n, take a breath. You're forgetting to breathe when you talk again." She paused, forcing herself to intake and exhale air so her body wouldn't seize up. One time she'd talked so much about Spencer that she'd stopped breathing and had fully passed out. It was pathetic and she hated herself for it, but it had happened. "Now, I need you to really think about these questions before you answer them okay?"

"Okay," Y/n encouraged.

"Have you taken pictures of him without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n flinched at the memory of burning the shoe boxes, but was relieved to be able to say, "No."

"Have you followed him anywhere without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n confirmed again, a little confused. "I don't have to, we work together."

Michael ignored the comment. "Have you learned personal information about him without his permission or without him being aware?"

"No," Y/n said slowly after thinking about it. She'd learned plenty of things, but she'd avoided it as much as possible for this very reason.

"Have you watched him in anyway without his permission or without him being aware?"

Y/n considered that. "No," she finalized, nodding to herself. "I- well I stare at him sometimes from across the room. Is that bad?"

Michael actually laughed. "Not necessarily." he paused, letting Y/n calm down with that reassurance. "How would you feel if Spencer told you he was dating someone tomorrow?"

That familiar icky gut twist returned as she thought about it. "Terrible." The word was heavy with mourning. It had slipped out immediately without her meaning to say it, so she hadn't been able to even sugar coat the response.

There was a fat pause where Michael was quiet, but he spoke again before Y/n's anxiety could get her to say something or voice her panic. "What about if he showed up with a pet, or a family member that he was close to?"

Well what an odd question. "I wouldn't care."

A smile wrung in Michael's voice when he spoke again. "Does he have someone he's as close to or closer to than you?"

"Well he's really good friends with JJ and Morgan."

"How do you feel about them?"

Y/n frowned. "I really like JJ. She actually got me this job and has been the most helpful in helping me get settled, other than Garcia. But... Morgan seems to have some trepidation about me. He liked me at first but then one day he started to get really short with me and started to try and convince everyone that I'm like not fit for this job or something."

"And that's why only JJ and Spencer went after the unsub, right?"

"Yeah," Y/n agreed. "Why is this important, Kel?"

A short pause this time. "Y/n I don't think you're old tendencies are back." That stunned her.

"But I'm doing all the same things."

"You're actually not," Michael argued. "And even when things overlap, like the watching and getting to know him, it's not for the same reasons. You're naturally forming a relationship rather than living out a fantasy that he's not apart of in reality. Do you remember the last time I asked you about Spencer having a pet or a partner?"

Y/n flinched again, but much worse. "Yeah," she mumbled, covering her face.

"What did you tell me?" Michael asked softly.

Y/n's eyes watered. "I told you they made me angry. That I..." She closed her eyes. "That I wanted to get them out of the way from me being with him."

"And what did you tell me just now when I asked again?" There was regret in his voice, but that was obviously from bringing up the terrible memories of the past. There was something else too. Urgency. He wanted Y/n to understand something, but it seemed to be going over her head.

"Uh... I told you it made me sad."

"Why does it make you sad, Y/n?"

She thought about that. "Because he wouldn't look at me anymore. He gets this really soft look in his eyes when he looks at me. Like I have something important to him but he trusts me with it completely. Or like he admires me or looks up to me. It makes me feel really good about myself." She chuckled sheepishly, wincing. "That's probably silly." She didn't pause before continuing, and Michael didn't try to interrupt her or respond, knowing how she got when she spoke about Spencer. "When he touches me, it's really gently, like I might break or like he's shy. I-" she snorted. "I think that's because he's a germaphobe."

That caught Michael's attention. "He's a germaphobe?"

"Yeah," Y/n sighed. "He won't even shake people's hands, and he washed them a lot when he's stressed. He rarely even accepts hugs from the others so I haven't offered, even when he was in the hospital. But that's also probably because I'm pretty sure I'm literally crazy."

"You're not crazy," Michael said first. Y/n smiled a little. It was very reminiscent of the times he had helped her out of the darkest place she'd ever been. Made her feel safe when she thought she was a walking crime scene waiting to happen. He had been her best friend for so long... why had she stopped calling him? "Y/n?" She hummed, letting him know she was listening. "He refuses handshakes and is afraid of germs and is even hesitant to take hugs from people who are practically his family from what you say, but even though you've guys only really known each other well for a little over a week, he's already willing to touch you?"

Now that he mentioned it, that was rather odd. She hadn't considered it before. "I... yeah, I guess."

The smile was back when he spoke again. "Y/n last time we talked about him, you couldn't even say his name without gripping something so hard your knuckles turned white. Now you talk about him like it's a relief to say it. Before he brought you stress and angst and wanting, but now he brings you peace and happiness and a feeling of belonging. You feel sad at the prospect of losing him in any way, rather than angry. Usually when obsessive people who stalk their targets see them with someone else, they get angry. Normal people get sad."

Y/n tried to swallow, but her mouth was too dry. Her eyes were wide with fear. A fear that was so different from but still just as bad as the thought of her fears of seeing herself being obsessed with Spencer Reid. Because if she wasn't obsessed... "What are you trying to say?" Her words begged him not to say it.

He did anyway. "Y/n, I don't think you're possessive or obsessed with him." He spoke slowly, every word filling her body with more and more dread. "I think you have feelings for him, but not bad ones. Normal ones. I think you like him, like people like each other. Like, want to date him like him."

"Oh god," Y/n whispered. "I- I'll call you later okay Michael?" He sighed and hummed, so she rushed to explain. "I swear I will. For real this time. I can't thank you for everything you've done for me but-"

"You're panicking," he realized. "I completely understand. Please don't do anything stupid, okay? These feelings are normal and perfectly okay."

"Yeah," Y/n whispered, nodding even though he couldn't see her. They exchanged a tentative farewell and then she lowered her phone, running a hand through her hair. "Well," she whispered, staring at the ground like it was about to open up and swallow her whole. "Guess it's time to quit my job."

-

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