#anxious flying
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yes, yes i know edgeworth’s big wet eyes and loser boy personality have captivated us all, but listen. listen.
phoenix wright
phoenix “genuinely unable to reconcile the girl on the stand with the girl he dated for eight months, a cognitive dissonance so profound it’s ultimately explained by them being literally two different people, but which he first sits with for five years and does not talk about at any point to anyone” wright
phoenix “don’t mention that name to me. i don’t want to talk about it. i don’t want to think about it. i am just going to keep myself in this state of perpetual crisis mode focus on other people’s problems until eventually i die and get to hang out with mia on the astral plane and never have to deal with any of these emotions ever again” wright
phoenix “overnight loses his career and reputation and sense of identity while gaining an adopted, probably pretty traumatized eight-year-old daughter, and rather than leaning on his friends for help, or getting therapy, or taking any time to process any of this, he *checks notes* spends seven years dedicating all his free time and energy to investigating the weird fucking circumstances around it and maintains a friendship with the guy he suspects was behind it all” wright
phoenix "runs across a burning bridge and falls through it, half a day after the game establishes that he is terrified of heights, because his friend is on the other side of that bridge" wright
phoenix “i sure felt surprised. maybe i had my poker face on” wright
phoenix “looking back on it that was actually a pretty dark period in my life” wright
phoenix “don’t ask me how i got started. i don’t remember” wright
phoenix “only you stood still, your eyes calmly watching” wright
phoenix “sometimes, life just sucks” wright
just
phoenix wright
crunchiest man in the world
and all i wanna do is chew and chew and chew on him
#ace attorney#where are all the people gnawing on phoenix's bones so white??#i need to find the phoenix bone-gnawing corner of this fandom PLEASE#this is me asking for the Phoenix Fic btw#where is the fic meditating on phoenix's whole mental state in general?#where is the fic about how it's phoenix's cageyness and poker face and flat affect under stress that is the hurdle?#the relationship ramifications of being actually really fucking hard to read when it comes down to it?#where is the fic about the week of his disbarment?#the one detailing the panicked blow by blow of it rippling through his social circle while he stands in the eye of the storm?#the one that ends messy and anxious and unresolved because it's week 1 of 7 years?#where is the birth of phoenix wright: poker legend fic?#where is the art school/theatre major phoenix fic?#no not the able to art/act phoenix fic but the kind of person who chooses to go to art school/study theatre phoenix fic#where is the supremely disinterested in pop culture phoenix fic?#where is the actually incredibly meticulous and competent phoenix fic?#capcom can tell me all they want that he's essentially an adhd disaster flying by the seat of his pants making it all up as he goes#but that's not what they're actually showing me#they're the ones who created an in-fiction legal system that functionally necessitates that#and the nature of the game is that phoenix is almost always proven right so rather than him coming off as hare-brained#his opponents rather just come off as short-sighted. either negligently or maliciously so#and the choices the writing makes in service of retaining mystery and audience suspense in fact function to make phoenix a person#who is astute and puts the pieces together but is cautious in his conclusions#i will grant them that phoenix does tend to lose sight of his overarching goal in getting drawn into proving or disproving minor points#the fact that edgeworth on the other hand never loses sight of this or where the various arguments stand in relation to it#is his sexiest trait as a character by far#but those minor points are actually functionally critical to the ultimate argument phoenix makes#so even though i do read that trait through the game mechanics i do also judge the other characters for being dicks about it#my point is phoenix wright does in fact have the character of a lawyer and is conventionally good at his job fucking fight me#my point is that you all have had 20 goddamn years to Rotate this man#my POINT is that there should be Intricate Fucked Up Meditations On Phoenix that rewire my fucking brain and i NEED to know where they are!
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He’ll be ‘right
Ghoultober Day 11 - Injury
#kaneki ken#touka kirishima#tokyo ghoul#ghoultober#touken#my art#I’ve been excited to post this one!!!!!!#last one had issues with taking photos but this time I did just end up late bc the colouring took so long#now I know about Jonestown and am anxious about flying on a Boeing plane.#next time I’ll be on time for the prompt I prommy 🙏
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part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | part 4 | part 5 | part 6 (these make one big story, you won't understand this part without the others)
day 07: free space a happy ending
Wakefulness embraces him so slowly and gently that Steve’s not entirely sure he isn’t dreaming when he sees Eddie lying next to him, watching him with an easy smile as his fingers tap out a slow beat on his pillow. Steve looks at him, blinking away the remnants of sleep, not quite daring to do anything more than that for fear of it being a dream after all, scared that Eddie would disappear if Steve reached out to touch.
But then Eddie’s smile widens. “Good morning, sunshine.”
Steve gasps a little and moves his hand to Eddie’s cheek, tucking a few strands of hair behind his ear, his breath hitching when Eddie leans into the touch.
“You’re here,” he whispers, his gaze wandering over Eddie’s features, taking it all in and looking for any indication that this is a dream.
Eddie hums. “And you’re pretty.”
It hits him out of nowhere, the open sincerity in Eddie’s voice, the fondness in his eyes, the honesty in everything about him. The love, open and free now — or getting there, at least. It’s still so raw, though, so new, that Steve doesn’t know how to handle it yet.
“Shut up,” he huffs once he’s caught his breath, rolling over to hide his face and the way his cheeks are heating up. He rolls right into Eddie's chest, though, and he's so warm, so close, smells so good that Steve wants nothing more than to bury his face in his neck and stay there for the rest of the morning. Or maybe the rest of his life.
The reflex to pull away is there. The urge to run and hide, to laugh it off, to freeze up and find something else to do, something to occupy his hands and stop them from reaching for Eddie. Years and years of muscle memory telling Steve to leave.
But Eddie's arms come around him, holding him close and pulling him even closer. And Steve breathes him in, remembering that it can be okay. Remembering that they get a chance now.
Remembering the words.
What are you doing?
Changing the world.
So he tries that, too. Changing the world. He tries by winding his arms around Eddie, too, and breathing in again and again, learning that Eddie won't disappear if he does.
Slowly, he dares to move his arms, stroking along Eddie's back in slow, gentle patterns, lulling himself into a safety he hasn't felt in a while. Maybe ever. At some point Eddie begins to hum, and Steve thinks that it's just another one of his audible smiles, inviting Steve and the rest of the world to join in if they're so inclined. But then he detects a familiar melody in the vibrations of Eddie's neck against his skin, and he holds his breath to find out what it is.
His heart jumps when he recognises the song as one he used to listen to on repeat like a lovesick fool around the time his feelings for Eddie turned into something more, something better, something infinitely worse.
It skips and he forgets how to breathe as he lets his hands travel over Eddie's back, slowly and tentatively daring to slip underneath his shirt and touch his skin.
Eddie begins to sing, then, and Steve wonders if he's even been in love with him before, because nothing of what he's ever felt compares to Eddie's gentle, hoarse, sleep-rough voice as he sings Somebody to Steve, to their little bubble, or to the world outside.
"I want somebody to share, share the rest of my lifeShare my innermost thoughts, know my intimate details."
He closes his eyes as he listens, focusing on the vibrations, on the warmth, on the closeness, on how this moment is everything he's never even dared to want. Everything so perfect that he couldn't even dream it up.
Everything. You're everything.
He needs to be closer still, so be buries his nose in Eddie's neck and breathes him in, tangling their legs, filled with a breathless kind of joyful bliss when Eddie's breath hitches, too, and he stumbles over the words of the second verse as Steve tries to climb into his skin.
"I want somebody who cares for me passionatelyWith every thought and with every breath."
You have me, Steve thinks, pressing his lips to Eddie's pulse point. It's not a kiss, not quite. It's something deeper. It's a promise.
Eddie's hands come up to hold him there even as his voice carries through the drumbeat of Steve's heart in his throat, running fingers through his hair, lightly scratching at his scalp, making him purr along to the melody.
"But when I'm asleep I want somebodyWho will put their arms around me and kiss me tenderlyThough things like this make me sickIn a case like this, I'll get away with it."
When the song ends, Eddie's words faded out, replaced once again by the gentlest silence, Steve feels raw. Vulnerable. Open and exposed. But he also feels safe, and loved, buried in Eddie's skin and held there, as though Eddie is just as scared of fading away as Steve is.
He lifts his head just slightly, enough to meet Eddie's eyes – only to find that they're closed, an expression so serene like Steve has never seen before. Mesmerised and overflowing with affection, he reaches out to trace the line of his brows, down to his cheeks and all the way to his lips, where his eyes are glued for a second.
The thought of kissing Eddie is right there. The opportunity is, too. But he doesn't. He barely dares to move as it is. But he does roll them over the rest of the way until he lies comfortably on top of Eddie, and tucks his head underneath his chin, finding one of his hands and lacing their fingers.
"You've got him," he breathes eventually. "That somebody. If you—“
"Yes," Eddie says, his other hand finding its way to the nape of Steve's neck to play with his hair again. "I want."
"Good." It's lame; far from what he wants to say. From what he has already said last night. It feels like they're doing this backwards, starting with the I love you and catching up with the slow build-up afterwards. "Good. Me, too."
"Good," Eddie hums, and there's that smile again that Steve can't help but mirror.
They fall asleep again like that even though it’s already late in the morning; cuddling and holding and cradling each other, still trembling slightly. Maybe that's what changing the world will do to you. Maybe that's the bravery more than the love.
Or maybe it's just Steve and Eddie. Steve and Eddie. SteveandEddie.
I love you.
~*~
It takes a bit for Steve to relearn loving Eddie. To not associate it with tragedy and sadness and a bone-deep loneliness that'll leave him breathless even on the best of days.
It takes a while for Steve to learn a whole new kind of breathlessness, a whole new kind of aching when it comes to Eddie.
And Eddie's not much better than Steve, pulling away when Steve wants him closer, swallowing his words and needing a second, third, fourth try until he learns that he gets to love Steve now.
Years of unrequited love, or feelings unreturned, of words put out into the universe with no one to receive them, are not easily or quickly unwritten. But every time Steve's breath gets lodged in his throat and he wants to run away, Eddie is right there to remind him of what they can have now. Every time Steve tries to be a little less of who he really is, Eddie is right there to coax him out of his head with gentle touch and a lot of hugs.
Every time Eddie starts to doubt himself and all the ways he makes Steve the happiest person on the planet, Steve is right there with the words he only has for Eddie. Words that don't get stuck anymore. Words that finally get a recipient.
~*~
Their first kiss, the first real kiss, doesn't happen that first morning. They spend the first week only holding each other, barely wanting to let go, hiding their vulnerabilities within each other.
Steve is worried about it at first, seeing Eddie so quiet, so reverent, lacking his usual cheer, his energy and snarky comments. He asks about it one night, ready to prove right that he isn't and can never be enough for him, that all he will do is steal the things that make him Eddie.
Eddie stops then, lifting Steve's chin with a finger when he's too scared, too ashamed, too vulnerable to meet his eyes on his own accord.
"Stevie," Eddie says, his voice so gentle that Steve immediately feels stupid for doubting. "I have loved you for ten years. I've had you for three days. Let me bask in it. Let me be unable to be myself with how absolutely and utterly overcome I am with the knowledge that I have you now. That I get to hold you. That I get to kiss you and keep you and... God. I'm not unhappy. I'm so much the opposite of that that I'm not sure there's a word for it. Other than devoted. Smitten. Bewitched, body and soul."
Steve wants to kiss him then. Almost does, with the way they're just staring at each other, breathing the same air —air that smells like Eddie now. In the end, Eddie just holds him, brushing a kiss to his cheek, his forehead, his temple, and whispers, "Let me bask in it."
And so they do.
Wayne called Eddie not long after with the words, "Chrissy just told me the wedding's off. Please tell me that means what I think it means."
Eddie just blushed, reaching for Steve, tucking a strand of hair behind his ear. "Yeah, I, uh. I finally talked to Steve."
There was a very loud cheer on the other end that made Steve laugh, falling into Eddie's side, holding him tight, a weight falling off his shoulders knowing that Wayne was okay with them.
You know, I always figured it would be you.
No matter what happens, you'll always be a son to me.
It made his eyes sting again, but he basked in the moment and in the knowledge that Wayne was on their side. Always has been, always will be.
"You better come here on Sunday, and bring Robin and Chrissy, too."
"Robs and Chrissy?" Eddie asked.
"Oh, you're in for a treat. I'll see your asses on Sunday, boys."
And with that, he hung up. Steve immediately went to call Robin, hopeful and giddy with Wayne's implication, knowing that Chrissy was Robin's person just like Eddie was his.
"She loves me," Robin said, on the verge of tears, and Steve joined here right then and there. "She's– Steve. She's so– She... God!"
"Yeah," Steve laughed at the ceiling above his bed, grinning because Robin sounded so happy, not even caring that she didn't have the right words for it, because he could hear Chrissy laughing in the background, too. Laughing and saying hi to him and interrupting Robin's ramblings and groans and giggles with kisses that always left her dumbstruck for a good two seconds each time.
When the call ended, he went right back to the living room, where he and Eddie started watching Pride and Prejudice before, and fell right on top of him with a happy, happy smile.
~*~
It happens at Wayne's, exactly one week after Eddie showed up at Steve's in the middle of the night. One week after the phone call. One week after I love you.
It happens in the soft glow of the fairy lights Steve and Eddie helped him put up years ago. I happens after Wayne hugged him tight once more, after he pulled Chrissy to the side and promised her that she's still his kid, that he still loves her, and that he's happy to see her smile like that. After he promised the same to Robin.
It happens when Wayne's inside to refill their drinks and Chrissy and Robin are caught up in each other that they're blind and deaf to the rest of the world. When Steve turns to find Eddie looking at him with the softest, gentlest expression.
"Eddie," he whispers, leaning in to rest their heads together, lacing their fingers and stroking his thumb along Eddie's palm.
"Yeah, baby?"
Baby. It fills him with butterflies, with the urge to scream, to shout from all the rooftops that he loves Eddie, and more importantly, that Eddie loves him back! Baby. Baby.
"I love you."
"Hmm. I love you more."
No, you don't. Just longer. "Can I kiss you?"
He can feel Eddie's little gasp before he leans in even closer, rubbing their noses together, cradling Steve's face with his free hand. "Please," he whispers.
And Steve does. He captures Eddie's lips, pouring into it everything he feels and more. Sealing the promises he's made and all the ones he's yet to make. The promises to love and cherish Eddie. To be brave. To be there. To stay and keep and bask.
It's nothing like their first kiss all those years ago. There is no question behind it this time. Only declarations, only promises, only the beginning of a shared future.
And there are many, many more after this one.
🌷🤍🌷 THE END 🌷🤍🌷
tagging: @sexymothmanincarnate @mcneen @livsters @eddiemunchondeeznuts @abstractnaturaldisaster @steddie-as-they-go @hyperfixationgoddess @goodolefashionedloverboi @stxrcrossed186 @eddiemunsonswife @bidisastersworld @ghost-ly-s @romanticdestruction @walkingaftermidnight07 @anaibis @rainydays35 @mightbeasleep @sunfloweringstories @korixae @tuesdaycats @totoroinatardis @ilovebookshowboutyou @musical-theatre-gay @theluckyalien @copingmechanizm @srra @changelingbaby @sassygoop @obsessivelyme @r0binscript @hardboiledleggs @estrellami-1 @bisexualdisastersworld @space-invading-pigeon @swimmingbirdrunningrock @y0urnewstepp4r3nt @oxidantdreamboat @spilled-jar @phirex22 @littlemsterious @captaingigglyguinea @animecookie95 @sharingisntkaren @haluton @littlemsterious @animecookie95 @suddenlyinlove @bisexual-bilingual-biped @jinx-nanami @makewavesandwar @scheodingers-muppet @morcantinon @hexdbog @homosexualhomocide13
god i can't believe it's over. i thank you, every one of you, who cheered for me, cried with me, screamed and yelled at me, and stayed with me throughout this past week. i have no words right now other than thank you 🤍🌷 and i hope this is okay
#steddie#steddie fic#steddieweek2023#steddie week fic#i feel like this one's a bit disjointed but i kinda like that about it?? little snippets that make a happy ending you know??#idk i hope you like it too (i always get anxious about endings tbh catch me vibrating out of my skin)#dio words#i cannot believe it is done. i cannot believe what a ride it's been. i'll find the words for it later i think. first we read. and we bask 🤍#morcantinon i am ENDLESSLY sorry i forgot to tag you even after you sent that wonderful ask please forgive me 😭🤍#i also forget a bunch of people who asked in the reblogs but dear god i hope you find this anyway i am all over the place#i will edit this and work in more chrissy/robin when i post it to ao3. but this is steddie week. and these are 15k words of an au#that happened spontaneously and within 2h each night of me flying by the seat of my pants. xD
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Flying Rings
#do you ever think about xephos being anxious about flying rings / jetpacks after crashing his ship and the celaeno? bc i think about that-#-a *lot*#yogscast#xephos#lalna#jaffa factory#tekkit#yogs
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#no call back and its friday its been over a week#*spongebob flying ice cream truck* im not actually mad i understand that the scheduler is a human being doing her#job and contacting others first but GOD im gettinf anxious!!!!!!#talkys#I WANT MY SURGERY ALREADY i need it to come and go and be over i have a life to live#bisalp#surgery
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// flops
At the airport, I have been up for like almost 20 hours whoooo
Next stop is like 3 hours so I’ll maybe poke some drafts/asks to fill time
Also please know that my local airport is basically just full of birds who just chill on the chairs next to you so we’ve actually had a very relaxing soundtrack
#;ooc || knives away#// y’all have no idea how anxious I am#// I appreciate the birdsong#// I LOVE flying but airports genuinely terrify me
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sighs oh so loudly. Walks away head down in shame like a dog, hey guys.....
#albuquerque#weird al#miracle machine#some fucked up form of selfshipping i guess#btw bird ladys name is wren... if u even give a freak#she's part human part canyon wren and has hollow bones thanks to being part bird#HOWEVER. ☝️ however ☝️ her wings are too tiny to fly with so the whole hollow bones thing is useless and impractical#she lives her life so scared and shy and nervous and anxious all the time she loves staying at home whenever she can#meeting miracle machine for the first time would be her 9/11 probably hes super insane and crazy and energetic and she. Is Not#something something they learn stuff from being with eachother like miracle machine maybe calms down a bit and wren learns to live a little#self insert#oc x canon#living laughing and loving
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i still dont know if i'm flyin in 2 days or not and i'm STRESSED
#i cant book anythin till i know the times but flying already makes me crazy anxious so having no plan yet has me going crazy aaaa#i'm rly hoping i dont have to book stuff same day#like i have work thursday mornin and idk how late i'm gna b leavin yet#or if i need to book a room or not#this is the worst
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In Part 2 of Masters of the Air, Crosby said he could make overthinking into a an Olympic sport and after reading his book I can confidently say that it’s 100% valid.
Here’s his recount of what happened during and after the mission to Trondheim, Norway in his book A Wing and a Prayer:
What did they do to a navigator who had screwed up as badly as I had? I never knew where I was. I had forgotten completely that I was to radio back a position report in code every fifteen minutes. I didn't give the groups enough warning before the I.P. If the Germans hadn't sent up the smoke screen we might have gone on to the Arctic Circle.
I had done everything wrong. I messed up the rendezvous. I should have given P.R.'s to radio and a strike message, which he was supposed to send in code back to HQ. None of that. I had left the briefed course. Because I didn't think I could navigate in Norway I took us to Scotland. Instead of being at altitude most of the time I brought us home on the deck.
What did they do for stuff like that? Court-martial? Ground me? That didn't sound so bad. Send me back to the States? Disgrace. As we headed home, I figured no headings. I computed no ETA's. I made no entries in my logbook. All I did was sit there, ooze sweat, stink, and feel sorry for myself. I grimly realized I was not airsick. I didn't use even one paper bag.
…
After we landed, I decided I could not endure the debriefing. I got out of the nose, dropped onto the ground. My frozen ankles hurt as I hit. Without speaking to the ground crew I walked off the concrete and into the woods. It was about a quarter mile to my quarters, but I made it, slinking along to avoid anyone talking to me. When an enlisted man offered me a ride in his jeep, I waved him off.
At the 418th site, no one was around. I went into our Nissen. Empty. I dropped onto my bed. The sweat. The smell of fear and shame. I could not bring myself to take off my fleece-lined flying clothes. I had forgotten to take the radio headset from around my neck. I remembered leaving my parachute in the plane. I should have turned it over to the rigger. What else?
Trouble.
I heard a jeep drive up, stop. A knock at the door.
The court-martial was beginning.
#he’s just an anxious little guy#Harry Crosby needs a hug#fun fact: he got a Distinguished Flying Cross for this mission and he thought he was going to get court marshaled#Harry Crosby had hella anxiety and honestly me too bro#THESE ARE LITERAL QUOTES FROM HIS BOOK LIKE#and this was published in like 1993 so you know he was WAY more dramatic when it actually happened#someone rewrite the scene after Trundheim where he just walked off into the woods to wallow in self pity#Harry Crosby#masters of the air#historically accurate#a wing and a prayer#mota#mota musings#quotes#real mota
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People don't get annoyed when you read their stories and like the posts right? It makes it easier for me to pick up where I left off if I can't finish it in one sitting but I always worry I'll annoy someone with the notifications 😭🙃
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;; ☁️
#I don’t know where to talk about this so here I am ahhhhhhh anyway I’m worried that he doesn’t#want to talk to me anymore/ which is hopefully me being overreactive#and I don’t think I came off clingy at all I really hope I didn’t and I haven’t been texting him a tremendous amount also because#I’ve been waiting for him to text me back sometimes?#and idk maybe he was busy yesterday and doing things but hhhhhhh god#I hate being nervewracked by this stuff especially after feeling SO happy and grateful#and just like overwhelmed with emotions#the last text was a question I sent last night and nothing now and yet I’m a total loser#he deleted/hid his bumble profile so that’s a good thing right? because he’s not interested in anyone else#but I’m paranoid about a crash after that high about not being able to have good things#and I just need the reassurance that it’s okay and he does like me#because he’s flying away soon I think next weekend and he was the one who said we should hang out again#before he leaves#anyway this is what the inside of my head looks like right now. sad and nervous and anxious and needy and unsure#personal
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blood test tomorrow and i dont think theyll let someone in with me so nobody's going to hold me down, making me feel Calm and also preventing me from escaping. smile.
#talkys#IM SCAREEDDDD#ive gotten a bit used to needles after all the covid shots but idk.#the Blood Draw Location is an entirely different beast#ykwim. vaccine injections are ok bc its the shoulder its so Secure#middle of arm feels so flimsy and frail. scared#qnd its not even ever all that bad (at least vaccines bc ive only gotten blood drawn once)#but i get sooooo anxious and then the waiting and the pulling out feels so horrendous too.#like the last covid vaccine i got wasnt bad at all! but i feel it lingered too long and i wanted to jump out of my skin.#rambling now but i annoy medical professionals bc for some reason whenever Anything happens to me#(not just injections bc its happened at the ENT too) my legs always want to fly straight up into the air#(or just Straight if im sitting)#its the equivalent of tensing another part of the body to stay calm for me idk why....weird security...#but i always get yelled at LOL like sorry i dont even do it consciously....im Scared....
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Hey guys I know most of y'all are in a different time zone to me but im gonna be spending a lot of time in an airport today (I hate airports*) so if anyone wants to send asks or drabble prompts I would greatly appreciate the distraction!
*also known as: Sensory Hell
#despite the fact I have been flying places since I was a baby my anxiety about airports seems to be worse now than ever#but i like being in planes#once im in a plane its chill its like a train you just sit there#but airports? NAH#also i have been flying by myself since like 8 (until 13 you get accompanied by a staff member) cause ~child of divorce~#but at the ripe age of 26 im more anxious qnd unsure about making my way through an airport than i was as a teen💀#tkluts#twenty thousand leagues under the sea#pierre aronnax#captain nemo#20000 leagues under the sea#aronnemo#nemonnax#my ocean ramblings#Conseil
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On to stage two: the great unknown
#hong kong#airport#clouds#i am not flying Cathay Pacific out but i did decide to fly it back#i am anxious but carrying on#i think my friends think I'm a bit mad tormenting myself this way but in the end my curiosity is greater than my fear#ah we are boarding
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Hough just ended my second shift of first day. Holy fuck my feet
#i do gen like this kinda job#its hard as balls bc im short as fuck so to reach i have to fly (use ladders)#and tomorrow they'll start teaching me gow to use the money money ding ding thing im having an english langue lapsus#ive worked a lot today#and tbh i was kinda oversoing it a bit cus I WANT THE JOB#but also damn i gotta chill#the ppl are really nice and also the clients surprisingly#it is probably bc im the daughter of one of the most beloved dude in my town so lol#literally all day was like “ooooh youre the daggter of*****' and me like. like yes. then all my family tree#likes heres the thing the bad is that its ouchie on my feet#but i get good money for my first job#and i genuinely like interacting with people even tho im so anxious lol#rare rambling
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the prednisone was mean to me overnight :(
#marzi speaks#probs bc i have a family member flying down today#to help make sure i’m not alone while my parents take a weekend trip to [OTHER CITY IN OUR STATE]#so i’m likely anxious abt that or smth#still it SUCKSSS#stayed up too late which gave it time for a mood swing so i went to bed kinda just sad and longing#then woke up at 4 am in a puddle of my own sweat (thank you steroid hot flashes)#and like. also mildly convinced i was about to start a new infusion and had to do specific prep for that#like i was in the damn hospital again#which. in hindsight is probably a trauma response. hm#but anyways by the time i went to the bathroom and my brain understood that the Wet on my back was sweat and not my own blood#i was able to go back to sleep. until around 7 am#tried to go back to sleep. got maybe another hour. saying fuck it and just getting up now#i’ll try to take a nap later#sighhh. ups and downs ups and downs#i’ll figure it out or whatever. but it is a little annoying#this isn’t exactly a vent but i don’t want anyone rbing it so
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