#like the last covid vaccine i got wasnt bad at all! but i feel it lingered too long and i wanted to jump out of my skin.

[skunkes]

blood test tomorrow and i dont think theyll let someone in with me so nobody's going to hold me down, making me feel Calm and also preventing me from escaping. smile.

[jbird-the-manwich]

I was talkin to a friend about covid yesterday and like... I haven't seen a lot about it lately but talking about it got me thinking about how absolutely fucked up and freaky, in hindsight, my last bout of covid was, like... if you've not had it/been asymptomatic, I love that for you, but like... seriously. do still be doing the masking if you can, avoid crowded places with poor ventilation as you're able, try to keep a handle on not letting strangers breathe directly on you, etc. I got the shit last year, before thanksgiving, KEPT it till this spring, (long covid) and it fucking sucks.

Like. It SUCKS. it SCARY sucks. I had nausea, chest pain, tachycardia, extreme weakness and fatigue... like... I had OG-covid, back in 2020, and another couple bouts in the years since then, but that last one? that particular Covid was not fucking playing with me.

That shit tried to kill me. I had a fever so high I was having delirium. I didn't experience any weird horniness, like in the meme, personally, but I did have weird SCARY neurological symptoms, I was so nauseated I wanted to die, the fever (which was recurrent, and intermittent, at 104f, for *months* off an on) had me acting fucking weird, I'd get nauseus, then super aggressive and fighty, had episodes of extreme confusion, not being able to remember simple words and phrases, (I don't mean standard adhd either I mean I could barely talk coherently at times, when I wasnt fucking losing my shit rambling about nonsense) random crying spells, tremors, inability to stay awake, It affected my memory, my ability to walk, and still affects my basic levels of strength and ability to do shit.

for real the shit is serious. I went to the hospital and my tachycardia was so bad the nurse pulled my sister aside (who is not authorized to receive any information, btw) and told her not to let me leave the hospital because they thought I was going to have a heart attack. Cuz my heart rate was so fucked from the fever. I was fucking holding on to walls and shit, could barely walk, I was taking phenergan so consistently it straight up stopped working, and I'm negative, now, but like... I lost 20 lbs by the end of it. No shit. from 151 to 129. and I'm still not entirely better.

I'm still having memory issues, I barely remember the last year aside from bits and pieces, and the fatigue is fucking unreal. like. I was *stout*, pre-covid, and had a pretty solid vocabulary, and now I feel like half my brain is missing. my energy levels are on the upswing, but that's taken months, and I'm still not half as strong as I was before I got that last round last year, so like... I know not a lot of people are masking, and very few people are still talking about it, out and about, but like... seriously. it is real. It is fucking debilitating. it can affect your goddamn brain.

Do try to avoid getting that shit. I would not recommend it. As diseases go? It's a total bitch. wear a mask if you can. I was a *very* fit, quite strong 30-something, built like a brick shit house, and I lost almost *all* of my muscle mass, and it feels like I got *extremely fucking dumber*. I had projects I was working on, and I don't remember how they were supposed to go together. in the span of less than a year, cuz fuckin covid set up in my (vaccinated) body and was like "oh, I think I'll stay". So yeah. not a hot news topic, right now, anymore, but... for real. It is still there, and it will fuuuuuuuuuck your whole shit up. I am *still* having to have blood panels run, pretty much every doctor I see is just like. "huh. Well that's... pretty shitty..." And I mean im very lucky. I'm alive and mostly undamaged, barring a couple things, but yeah. It is for real still a thing and will totally wreck a whole ass year, if it takes a mind to, so... try to avoid it, where you can. Get vaccinated, if you're not, wear a mask, if able, and don't listen to the people that aren't taking your safety into consideration in their rationale for not taking it seriously as a potentially debilitating disease, particularly if you have any kind of pre-existing risk factors, including previous covid infections. I don't wanna scare anybody but like... the shit is real and it will lay you low, is, I guess, is the point I'm trying to make.

[jennilah]

Happy NYE! Every year I enjoy taking a moment to write a somewhat lengthy roundup of my year, good and bad. Its a moment for me to reflect and summarize & expand on things that in hindsight ended up being bigger moments than it felt at the time

like always, I dont want anyone to feel like you have to compare your successes to mine. I simply enjoy being an open book. I like reading other people's personal posts too ♥

This year was incredible for me. This was the year of taking back my life after covid took the last two years. Vaccinated & approaching things as safely as possible according to health guidelines, I was able to do things again, and boy what good things they were!

First off, this was the first full calendar year that I've spent in the new apartment. I swear, this accounts for at least a third of my happiness this year. I can't believe I've already lived here for over a year now, it feels like I just moved in yesterday, and yet I can't believe I dealt with my old apartment for as long as I did. Even thinking about how much that place sucked ass ruins my mood, no wonder my mental health was TANKING when I had to work from home there.

New apartment, new me. This place is incredible and I really feel like I can breathe and live how I want to. Working from home is actually nice instead of unbearable (I now work in a hybrid system, home for a few days and in-office for a few days, since I like aspects of both equally.)

First things first, right away in January I got my first VR headset and I absolutely love it to pieces. That opened up a whole new hobby for me, going into VR and exploring and making whole ass new friends in VRchat. I just think it's so fucking rad and I am so glad i bought the headset.

I then joined a new private art community (lmao that sounds so nefarious. I promise it isnt. I just get to have 1 secret, okay?) that has been so fun and really uplifted my mood at the start of the year, and it continues to be very fun! I am so glad I joined!!!

In fact, that very community helped a lot when it came to silencing my two-year-long streak of "Hell Brain", what I affectionately call the daily swirling anxious thoughts in my head that constantly echo when I dont have a special interest to occupy my daydreams. (Reminder: I am autistic! I am using the term in the autistic sense. By this point, i hadn't had a special interest/hyperfocus in years and I was having a really hard time silencing the Hell Brain on my own.)

It wasnt a perfect solution but it helped a lot, at least. It also drew me even closer to an already-close friend! bonding, yay! and I have met some really cool new people in that community too, who I really hope to keep connecting with!!

I also started to get real about my physical health, trying to eat healthier and exercise more.

Then, the summer of a lifetime began.

(First of all, I saw so many fucking movies. I love going to the movies, and I ate well this year!!! so many amazing films came out.)

I had my first salary negotiation with my bosses, and it went so well that they even asked the higher-ups for more money than I asked for. Because they were super cool, and I guess they wanted to make it very clear how much they appreciate me too. They have already made it extremely clear already how much they value my opinions and skillset, but translating that appreciation to $$ was certainly a bonus.

Then, my fucking god, Top Gun: Maverick finally came out and it has felt like a dream ever since. I couldn't believe- I still can't believe the reception it has gotten. My head is in the clouds. I'm floating. I'm every happy feeling, okay? I wonder if I will ever work on something like that again, that becomes such a worldwide phenomena like this. Completely utterly blown-away. I saw the movie 3 times in theaters myself, so I cant say I'm too shocked. I loved it too!!! I am so proud and just... amazed.

Shortly after, I got to fly home and see my family again for the first time since 2019. I made the most of it. It was one of the most fun trips home I ever had. It was even more fun that I got to see Top Gun with my parents, and I got to finally talk about it with people. It was also fun being home in the summer, hanging out outside, pool parties, BBQ... perfection. I love the vibes of summer nights.

I came back to Montreal refreshed, and then Con Season started up. Comic/Anime cons are probably my favorite events ever, and I was very sad not being able to go to any in the last two years. So it felt amazing to go back again (and buy a lotttt of nerdy stuff lmao)

I even went to a virtual convention in VR! lmao. it was super cool though!

I went to a Woodkid concert for the first time. It was incredible. It also felt like a dream. A+, would go again. Absolutely love his music.

My cousin visited me here in Montreal! That was so much fun. She's the closest thing to a sister to me, and we hadn't hung out just the two of us alone since we were kids. We went to Osheaga, my first music festival, and that whole experience was incredibly fun. It was great hanging out with her and catching up and everything, and I am so glad we got to go to the festival together.

She also helped me try weed for the first time LOL

She taught me how to properly use a bong. I have since switched to a dry-herb vaporizer, but indeed this is a new sort of hobby thing that has slotted into my life this year as well.

It has actually been quite lovely for tackling my aforementioned Hell Brain and anxiety, and also just for funsies.

Then, Prey came out, and I consider it another absolute win. Two movies I worked on that came out in the same year, that have both been critical and fan successes??!!! I am so, so happy. Will lightning strike like that again next year? We will just have to see!

Then there was a really fun street food festival that I thoroughly enjoyed for hours and hours on end. And Splatoon 3 came out, which I also enjoyed for hours and hours on end.

I definitely heavily mourned summer ending, because as you can tell, I was having a lot of fun cramming in events before the weather could turn.

But, like, that's kind of okay because I had no idea that my two year long streak of not having a special interest was about to change VERY suddenly lmao

This October I worked up the courage to really dive into slasher films, like I tried doing last year. (Last year I only really worked up the courage to watch the first Halloween, lol)

and, well, oops. you know what happened next.

(In case it isnt clear: they took hold of my brain and have been squeezing the juices out every day since october. meaning: I FINALLY have a new special interest! It's not something I choose, it's not something I plan, it just happens. and while sometimes fandom drama can wear me down, I am ultimately at my happiest when I have an active special interest. It gives me something to fill my brain, it gives me something that I am excited to draw, I have so much fun talking to other fans and enjoying memes, I discover new music, old music has new meaning again for new characters.... I missed this feeling so much. It feels so good it makes my chest feel tight, like I have butterflies in my stomach. I never know how long it will last, but it's not going away soon thats for sure)

So, I've obviously been having a lot of fun with my new blorbos and my new hobbies. Sometimes I smoke a little weed while rewatching Friday the 13th films, it's so much fun haha

Then, late November, I was accepted into the Visual Effects Society. That is more of a personal badge of honor. It's something I've been wanting to do since college, so as soon as I hit the required 5 years of industry experience I applied. I got in! I am excited to check out some of the more exclusive membership perks and events, but for the most part I am just proud of the achievement. I remember when 5 years felt like a lifetime to wait to apply.

I have been working on some more extremely cool things at work that I can't wait to share. Unfortunately I am waiting for a whopping three films to come out with a trailer. Cmon, hollywood!! You're killing me!!!!! I am so excited for those movies to come out, it's eating me alive not being able to say anything.

At least the Transformers: Rise of the Beasts trailer is out. That was a fun 'un. (But I want the trailers for the other things too!!!!)

And to round off the year, I just got back to MTL after finally spending Christmas at home with my family for the first time since 2019. That felt really special. I got to see everyone in the summer, yes, but our traditional family christmas get-together is what I look forward to every year and I was so glad to be able to do it again.

And there you have it. A much, much, much happier year than the last two.

My new year's resolution is to keep going with the physical health habits and to not fall off the wagon. It's also to keep living my life and go to more events to make next year feel just as full and eventful as this one was. Hang out with my friends more. Watch more of my silly little movies.

I'd also love to try to plan a trip outside of montreal, maybe to Toronto or something. I want to go on a real vacation trip alone again (or with friends.) I think that would be really fun!

[asyourshadowfalls]

My roommate was exposed to an illness at work last Tuesday, was practically comatose by Thursday afternoon and all of Friday, barely better on Saturday, starting to feel better Sunday but still shitty even yesterday. I started feeling feverish Saturday but didnt recognize it as such til I broke out bad Sunday night, same last night though definitely already improved. My only symptom being fever/body aches and fatigue (but really that could be from the approximate 4 hours of sleep ive gotten both fever nights). We were under the assumption at first that it was the flu, and were contemplating the science and personal oddities at play that caused such a different reaction (really not all that strange, my body throws me into a 24 hour vomit cycle with the common cold) but with my brain a little clearer today I realized its probably covid. I dont have a test so no confirmation but I'm gonna go with it. I got the updated vaccine in early september (and couldn't get the flu one cause it wasnt free) but that is a clear explanation to why mine was such a mild case compared to N's. Lmao he just walked in and said "I'm happy for you but this is bullshit" to which a "its the vaccine baybay' was uttered by me lol

Also he did say that if this is the difference between updated vaccines and not hes gonna be getting shot up. Cause he still feels like shit. He only got the one mandatory vax for work at the start of it all, to be fair he works/worked in two different companies that produced two of the vaccines and uhhh yeah those stories would also scare me. But I'm me, and dont trust anything I put into my body that the US accepts but I gotta eat so why would i draw a line with vaccines🙃

[glittercatmomma]

What is happening right now in America is disturbing and unnerving and I’m going to rant about it.

I’m a white woman. I have been discriminated against for many reasons but here is the thing. RACE IS NOT ONE OF THEM. That’s why the #BLM movement is so big. There are literally millions of people being discriminated against every day but no race, gender, sexuality, or religion has been mass discriminated against for this long and this badly by everyone, especially white people. African Americans are basically being borderline hunted by police and cops are never held accountable. Enough is enough.

George Floyd should not have died. He could have bombed the entire state Minnesota and the cops still should have been able to peacefully arrest him without issues considering there were 4 cops and only 1 George Floyd. He was already in his stomach and cuffed. What the hell is he going to do? Wiggle worm his way away from the cops if they look away for a split second? FUCK NO HE WOULDNT. And he was only accused of using a false check. That is not a crime that would even be close to warrant the death penalty, life, or even a large prison sentence. Crimes like that are given short sentences or just probation but here’s the kicker. THE CHECK WASNT EVEN BAD.

-no one could attempt to help him because they’d also be shot or killed or arrested for “obstruction of justice” or some bullshit crime like that because there were three other cops who weren’t actively standing on his neck that could have taken down people attempting to help.

-this is also why cops should always wear body cams. That won’t solve all problems but it’s a start and that’s something for this corrupt ass country.

-this mans death better create change. He better not have died for nothing. No one who has been murdered at the hands of cops better have died for nothing. They all deserve justice and they all deserve good lives for their families who have not been killed. They better not have died in vain. Their living family and friends deserve a life where they are not afraid to be alive and get killed for the color of their akin.

-I don’t know who said it if it was the mayor or chief of police but some dumbass white supremacist said “i saw nothing wrong with the video. if he can talk he can breathe”. NOPE THATS NOT VALID. I can guarantee with his dying breath he said that and it was the hardest three words that man ever said. So no stupid old racist white man, he couldn’t breathe. He literally fucking died.

-90% (or some other ridiculously high number) of incarcerated individuals are African American. If they’re not killed, they’re imprisoned. I’m going to law school specifically to fight situations such as these. I’m so sick of seeing black individuals imprisoned for shit that a white person walks free for. It’s utter bullshit. This justice system is bullshit.

We’re in the middle of a pandemic that is getting worse every day because our TV show host president values the economy over peoples lives.

-other countries solved their crashing economy with mortgage and rent freezes and consistent stimulus checks. (Most Americans (including myself) did not receive a check. I’m a 23 year old law student who pays for everything myself. Government didn’t see my need for my rent. Luckily my college was kind enough to refund students some money since our classes went online mid-semester when they did not have to pay us back at all.) The economy would still not be perfect but less people would die and I think that’s more important.

-other countries also have FREE HEALTHCARE so they can receive mass testing which lowers the spread of the virus even more because everyone knows who is positive or not!!!!! WILD HOW FUCKING SCIENCE WORKS. TOO BAD TRUMP DISMANTLED THE ENTIRE PANDEMIC RESPONSE TEAM IN ORDER TO HELP OUR COUNTRY LIVE. Other counties’ citizens also won’t go into debt for receiving treatment for Covid.

The #BLM movement is full swing and cops are literally using a chemical weapon that cannot be used in war.

-tear gas can legally be used to defuse RIOTS. Tear gas was used before there was even riots and there was only peaceful protests. People began rioting when Target (a corporation that the owners are literal billionaires) wouldn’t allow people that were tear gassed to get milk from the store. We have a right to protest in America. I personally don’t agree with tear gas being used at all because if we cannot use it in war time to defend a whole country, cops should not have access to it.

-tear gas??? In the middle of a pandemic??? That causes RESPIRATORY ISSUES? ARE YOU DEMENTED? WHO THE HELL APPROVED THAT? I DONT CARE IF IT GETS PEOPLE TO DISPURSE. IT MAY ALSO KILL THEM.

-if cops can arrest mass murders without even a scratch on their demented little heads, they can peacefully arrest a single black person without fucking killing them.

-If you’re a cop and you’re scared that any black individual is a threat, you’re in the wrong profession. Also, you’re racist.

-rioting occurs when peaceful protests are no longer enough. Rioting is how things got done in America. This is the last stitch effort before a full blown civil war.

-also, you cannot tell a whole ass race how to feel when a person of their race was killed at the hands of the police, who are supposed to keep us safe. They deserve to act in whatever way they feel. They are scared and threatened and they shouldn’t be. It’s 2020. How can we be this far in the future and still be racist. Its time to fucking evolve.

Trump pulled America out of the WHO. WHO is literally making vaccines and trying to make them available to as many people as possible and help begin mass testing but according to Trump, if they have any affiliation at all with China we can’t be involved with it.

-Chinese people did not cause this virus. I don’t give a flying fuck if someone fucked a duck in China and that’s what caused the virus to start spreading around the world. It’s not China’s or any Asian persons fault for this virus. Not all of China hudled together and was like hey let’s kill millions of people with this virus hehehe. NO. THATS NOT POSSIBLE. STOP BEING FUCKING RACIST.

These issues happening in the country right now no longer have anything to do with political and everything to do with morality. If you do not believe health care is a right and it’s a privilege, your morals are questionable. If you don’t believe all individuals of any race deserve equal rights and should be treated with respect and dignity, your morals are questionable. If you believe George Floyd should not have died, but also believe rioting went too far, your morals are questionable. If you support Trump, your morals are questionable.

Nothing I say or do will ever be enough to express how upset I am and how much I am hurting for the black community. I’m sorry this is the America we live in. I hope to help change it one day and when I get my law degree I will be fighting every day along side you. I hear you. I see you. I understand you. I stand with you.

[dizzeeflower]

astra zeneca covid vaccine side effects - 1st dose

cw/ detailed discussion of medical symptoms, mention of vomit, covid mention

i got my first dose of the vaccine at 10am on saturday 3rd april. it was the oxford astra zeneca vaccine. for the record im 22 years old with asthma

here's an hour by hour diary of the side effects i personally experienced. these side effects are all considered typical of this specific vaccine

side effects hour by hour

the shot: didnt hurt a bit! the flu jab hurts more

in the first 2 hours after the shot i was pretty peppy abt getting rhe shot and made a batch of cookies when i got home but realised i didnt want to eat any, i put it down to not being hungry

3 hours after the shot i had a bagel and felt very nauseous after but didnt throw up

4 hours after the shot and i started feeling random aches in my hips and upper back and suddenly didnt have any energy so i crawled into bed

5 hours after the shot i got a headache. nothing too intense, the kind of headache u get if u didnt sleep enough last night. i also started getting chills despite no temperature drop, put on more layers and crawled under three blankets

6 hours after the shot my entire body started aching. the pain was about a 6/10 altogether so somewhat manageable. also my knuckles started really aching and i thought that was weird

7 hours after the shot i had drunk a litre of water so far which i rlly never do and still needed more. this is when a feverish feeling kicked in, but no actual fever. the body aches were the same pain level but i suddenly had so much less energy that i couldnt get up from bed anymore. trust me i tried

8 hours after the shot the pain was at a solid 7.5/10. i couldnt pick up my switch lite, i couldnt flip mysef over in bed, i couldnt turn my head without wincing

9 hours after the shot the pain was consistent, but my friend made me laugh on voicecall and it hurt so much that i whimpered in pain and started crying. at this point i had an actual fever. unfortunately i dont have a thermometre, but my chest and back and face were burning up. no sweating though, and i had an ice lolly to try to cool down.

10 hours after the shot i threw up said ice lolly and it absolutely killed my body... 8/10 for pain after that. also got some ringing and pressure in my ears but im not sure if that was from the strain of throwing up

11-13 hours after my shot are blurry. The pain got a lot worse at maybe a 9/10. i physically could not stop from crying and wincing and yelling in pain. i wasnt even moving, the pain was just throbbing and stabbing. mostly in my lower back, the back of my head behind my ears, and my hips. i think i got a little bit delirious. i took paracetamol at this point

14-15 hours after my shot i fell asleep for an hour and woke up drenched in sweat. despite the fever, the pain was briefly at a 4/10 which was pleasant. i stayed awake for a while talking to my friend then fell asleep again but not for too long, maybe two hours

18 hours after my shot i woke up again, this time absolutely freezing and shivering so much my teeth were chattering. pain was a 6/10. the site of the injection was swollen and very painful. when i accidentally leaned on my phone with it it felt like i was being jabbed with a needle

19-20 hours after my shot the pain got progressively worse very quickly. it went from a 6 to a 9 again. i panicked a little bit as i didnt have anyone around to help me. (if you are getting the shot make sure you have someone on call just in case u get to this point.) i took more painkillers

21 hours after my shot the pain was at a 7/10 an hour after the painkillers. not pleasant at all, but at least i stopped yelling and crying. my fever was gone but i still felt feverish and was sweating a lot. my head was still throbbing especially behind my ears. by this point id had 2.5 litres of water since my shot - please remember to drink plenty it does help

- that's where im at now, i will reblog with updates -

side note: my mum (49 yrs old, heathy but has smoked for decades) got the same shot at the same time as me literally in the same room. her side effects were later onset than mine (starting around the six hour mark) but they quickly caught up to mine to the point where we were both throwing up at the same time.

the intensity of both our side effects were exactly the same. she was also sobbing and whimpering with the pain at the same time i was (which was honestly rlly hard to hear)

the takeaway

GET THE FUCKING VACCINE this has in no way deterred me from the vaccine or made me regret it, if anything its made me so thankful ive got it because if this is what just the vaccine is doing to me, i honestly cant imagine how excruciating having the actual virus would have been

this is temporary and thats comforting. like it SUCKS im in so much pain, ive not been in this much pain since i had a two week long flu years ago. but this is firstly nowhere near as awful as getting severe covid would be. and secondly its only going to last for a couple days max and its so worth it to know that in a few weeks i'll be helping to stop the spread of this virus just for a few days of fever and bodyaches

please dont let the possibility of a bad experience with side effects deter you from the vaccine. im a complete baby and am terrified of pain and this is pretty scary but nowhere near as scary as my realisation when i was hearing my mum crying from the pain of the vaccine, that i dont know how severe it would have been had she caught the actual virus. i can feel this pain and hear hers and KNOW that it will be over and will make us healthier in the long run. if she was crying from the pain of the live virus, i dont think i would be able to handle it

get vaccinated

[jackalopefreckles]

I feel like Ive aged at least 6 years since covid started. Im angrier. Less adapted to being outside then I used to be- which is saying a lot. This time last year I was?? Actually healthier mentally then I had ever been and looking forward to having the house alone for a month which?? Was the most freedom I wouldve ever had.

A lots fucking changed. I drove halfway across the country- all 30 hours at once with my big brother AND two elderly dogs, plus my cat. All animals on too many drugs (the vet said they couldnt overdose, and then failed to give any further instruction) cami peed on herself twice, unable to move. I had to waterboard her in Phoenix, a truly terrifying hell city where all the roads are raised and overlapping and its a hot as shit cause its?? What june?? Time was so fake this year I mustve just been stoned the whole time till I ran out of weed, and since moving its been a relief to be able to turn off the spinning anxious thoughts for a few hours

my big brother joined us. He brought a new dog with him which?? Is always a lot, plus I have this pack of dogs now cause the puppy wouldnt leave the super cancer ridden dog alone, and Im able to get her cbd regularly here, so shes always comfortable now instead of just?? Sometimes which is a lot nicer. We didnt think shed make it to chrisrmas. I thought shed die with me home alone to take care of everything, like always. It was almost a relief, I wouldn't have to coach my brother through the grieving process at least, and I had already finished. Its hard now even, for me to realize she might even have another christmas (but I wont hold my breath)

I feel safer going outside here then I did in Austin. I only went out a handful of times in texas, for the last few months I was ordering almost all groceries, and only going to the store once mask mandates were mandatory (theyre not anymore. Im so worried for texas. I missed a huge freeze by mere months. I dont think my elderly dogs wouldnt survived it. If I was alone with them, Im not sure I woudlve.

My parents took my brother to mexico with them. I begged them not to go, told them how irresponsible it was to travel across boarders. To visit an island and take all the plane germs with. I told them that even if my mom and brother were staying at home all day with me, my dad was still going to work and he didnt know what his coworkers were doing. That they wouldn't know what the people on the plane were doing. That at any point they could become the stupid americans that killed half an islands population.

They left a week after today last year. The boarders were closed the next day. Their friend has been traveling back and forth ever since. I have no idea how, except for the fact shes white and rich and wont hesitate to destroy a child, so I can only imagine how shed treat costomer service.

I will no longer allow this angry aggressive woman to ever make me feel bad, and I will allow myself to finally fight back. Im an adult, maybe not all the time (cause lets be real I'll always be a bit too eccentric for most) but when I get angry and allow myself that anger, it's not a bad thing. Anger doesn't have to make me feel like Ive done something wrong. Im usually very just in my actions, and I wont allow my parents influence to tell me all anger is misdirected and hurtful for reasons I couldnt understand. Its okay for me to be angry.

I think being alone with animals for months is at least reassuring that my childhood was unreasonable if nothing else. Which of course is a silly polite society term for pretty fucked, if nothing else.

My aunt had to gall to say weve had a good 2020 cause our family wasnt hurt, and I had to walk away from the zoom call. I haven't attempted communication with any of them since, not that I normally do. Of course none of us died, all rich old white people, most of them retired and able to stay home all day (not that all of them did, I learned about my grandfathers routine and just.. Im honestly surprised no one got it yet. Of course I knew from the beginning if anyone was gonna get it and die, it probably wouldve been me. Hence the 8 months of solitude before the move.

Was the move in August?? Im so unsure about time. Even with 2020 vision.

I tried to date when I moved here. Strictly on tinder. What was the point? On and off testosterone due to the wonders of texas, hadnt changed my body nearly as much as they should've a year after being on them. I look much more handsome now. Im also allowing myself to toss gender aside completely. He/him doesn't mean man, and they/them dont mean nonbinary, so why not mix them since Im?? Not really either.

It wasnt even a thought process like that to start. Much more "this is nice" which I think more gender should be allowed to be. Dont gotta be deep just comfortable.

I wont ever allow my parents to forget what they did. I ended up with three dogs I didnt want (I was so looking forward to not having any dogs) and I ended up taking care of my brother. Again. Its easier without my parents at least. Everything always is. My dogs are even happier. Cami finally isnt anxious 24/7. Again, a sad reminder my childhood wasn't great. Daisy is healthier. Trauma can be stored emotionally or with health issues, often both. I think the cancer dog getting better and?? Surviving and thriving so much longer then the vet said (how good was my old vet?) Is another unfortunate nail in thay proverbial coffin.

Im not as soft and openly loving. Im even more touch starved somehow. Harsher. I still want to choose love and compassion, but Im not letting myself fall into the trap of being so nice people wont be nice to you. Fighting back is something I wont feel shameful about, because it never stopped me from doing it completely anyway.

I was already reaching this on my own though. This was just more coffins, more nails. This didnt need to happen. We know our government let this happen. Its still letting it happen. Im not sure when Im getting my vaccine. My big brothers sick of quarentine and keeps trying to get us to go out. Sometimes I yield, and we go to a park, or the top floor of the parking garage. I get a vegan hotdog from nearby. We talk and laugh and were genuinely just. Boys being boys.

I shouldn't have to deal with parent shit anymore. I do though, especially since two out of three are unemployed and we can really only afford to live here cause of them (they owe me if anything though. Especially with my brother and these animals) I hope I can get a job soon. Or maybe even go back to school. Im lucky I had so much saved up (for top surgery, which I guess wont happen before Im 25 like I really tried for. I wouldve done it before now, but texas waitlists and rules kept holding me up. I literally went to an appointment in dallas, a 4 hour drive, just to found out the surgeon canceled on me for the second time)

Its incredibly depressing, and I know Im lucky to have had that stash. So many people didnt have anything and lost so much. People lost people. Half a million at this point. I remember when it got to 300,000 and I just?? Felt so awful it was so close to how many people we lost to AIDS. Its over that by so many now. It doesn't really stop, does it??

Is that catholic guilt?? Or maybe just irish guilt in general. Is it something I inherited or earned through all the end of the worlds and once in a lifetime recessions Ive been through. Im not sure how many off the top of my head, theyve been coming since I was so small and its always more and more. Im not even catholic anymore. I cant stop being irish though, even though the brits tried (and succeeded. Weve lost a lot. The current royal cotastrophy is bullshit as well, the only person who deserves a royal title is from Meniappolos

My home is decorate all inside for st patrick's day. My big brother loves it so Im going all out, and its def making me feel much more irish then usual (which is a lot Im over half)

I think I just wanted to say Im not the same. I hope I can still be happy an obnoxious is public. I wonder if I remember how

[nidailylife]

So is the pandemic over? Because i was under the impression that it is not.

Just a few minutes ago, i went into the kitchen for 1 last bite to eat before ending my all nighter, and suddenly my mom says "we're going to our extended family's house for Thanksgiving." The same family house, where the last time everyone got together for Xmas2021, a lot of them came away with Covid. I told my mom this was a bad idea, the pandemic is still going on, i didnt yet get the new variant booster yet, i heard cases were expected to rise this winter, etc. So I'm not going. Thankfully, she allowed it. But I'm so afraid of confrontation, especially against my parents, that there's nothing i can really do to stop her from doing whatever she wants. And she's already cooking for the potluck, so she seems pretty locked into attending.

I know i gave into some things recently that might give the impression that i may think, just as much as my mom does, that the pandemic is over. 2 months ago, i went to 2 funerals with my family. But that was mandatory, serious stuff! It wasnt a party for fun snd socializing, which would be the unnecessary frivolity that i consider a family holiday party to be. Then we gave out Halloween candy last month. I was still really iffy about handing out physical objects to kids during this continuing pandemic. But a cousin convinced me it was safe, because most people are vaccinated.

Well, my dad is not vaccinated! At all! He says he has a medical history of bad reactions to vaccinations, therefore he needs written authorization from his doctor before he could get the Covid vaccine, that his doctor never gave it, and he's not exactly eager to follow up for when that might change. Last time i talked to him about the vaccines, he was starting to sound a little like an antivaxxer. Yeek. I say this, because even if i get all vacvinated and feel safe for my own health, I'm always afraid of going outside, and bringing Covid back home to him. Even besides his vaccination status, he's already in two high risk groups: the elderly, and pre existing chronic illness (diabetes). And sure, despite all this, he still breaks quarantine pretty regularly to shauffer my mom and tag along to her social butterfly things, and he hasnt seemed to have caught Covid yet. But i cant go tempting his fate myself! It's 1 thing that i can't stop my parents from doing whatever they want to do. I've always been too paralyzed by confrontation, especially vs them. But it's another thing for me to exasperate their risks with my own actions. I dont want to do that!😭

On top of that, i was a germaphobe and socially anxious, even before the pandemic. And maybe i dont want to unnecessarily break quarantine for those reasons too. But even aside from the pandemic, there are problems with springing these sudden party plans on me, on the same day, with no prep. This morning was the first i heard of us going anywhere for Thanksgiving! No heads up, for me to fix my flipped sleep patterns, so I'd be awake enough to attend. No heads up for me to mentally prep, when she knows i have a lot of social anxiety. Not even a heads up in terms of just basic calendar planning! This is crazy.

Then add on top that she told me this morning that "it [the Covid pandemic] is over" ...and she wants to breaks quarantine, at a big gathering (since our extended family is numerous), that already has a recent history of infecting lots of our family with Covid...and all because she wants to socialize????? I know she's very social and extroverts go crazy without socialization. But she talks on the phone with her friends everyday! In extended calls! This is an unnecessary risk.

And I'm too tired from my all nighter to deal with this.

Maybe i can plant doubt into their minds about staying long at the party. Maybe i can convince my dad to just drop off my mom instead of him attending himself. I dunno... I'm tired.

[lifeinthegladhouse]

I've been thinking about the have's and the have not's. I've been thinking about the reality of a life of being worn down. Every day I am confronted with the extreme poverty, middle class ignorance, and occasional hidden opulence of southern california. They warned me. But Seattle was not that much different. This is just, denser. Denser with more fake tans and beach bodies. More working class, more destitute. More palm trees, healthy, and dying. Dusty. it's dirty. you pay for a lot of dirt and 'opportunity'. you pay to be near people who are like you, throw the dice, and hope you roll a good chance to be alone, because this is your last stop for now. it's the stop you dreamed of for a decade. and a decade passed and killed a lot of things. you're waiting for the growth to begin, weeds pushing through concrete cracks. the sun helps. but even the california winter, mild and not so bad, it's still winter. there are reminders everywhere.

the transition has been difficult. lost all of my friends practically the minute we moved here due to a misunderstanding and then a loss of interest. who could be interested in two transplants who arent willing to party every night through covid? two people who live in a beach town instead of bustling dirty hollywood? landlord selling the building. paying over 2k in rent now (split). a good gay work place. still alone. isolated. no time to explore el-lay or the beaches. just sitting inside, scheming how to survive. losing my sense of glamor. covid has been chipping away at my mind and body for years now. it has become all i know. after mom and g*ne, i have a permanent black sick paint permeating over my psychic vision and poisoning everything i touch or think about. death has a way of changing you forever. i live in a permanent state of grief, for old friends, failed friends, dead relatives, dead dreams, a dead childhood i never had, the old days of being a musician on stage, relating to people. with each passing month i feel further estranged. i frequently navigate suicidal ideation, which ive lived through for the past 14 years solid (since I was 13, at least), and look for the little things. the nice coffee i made myself at work, alone, watching the catty old gay men banter at the bar and roll their eyes at me because i look like a silly little woman to them. even in the gay world, i am disregarded. you're either not cis enough, not man enough, not vagina enough, or you aren't trendy enough and young enough for the polyam trans cult. rocker, but not punk enough to brave covid. being vaccinated 'is uncool', and so is 'staying home' and 'working'. so is 'staying sober'. outside of punk, outside of queerness, outside of california.

x is my favorite band, one of my favorites, of all time. i think of their song hungry wolf. 'she loves her mate, and he loves her, and they live together for life' and the jaws of death and all that bukowski (i hate him) shit over the venice beach meets ramones guitar. hungry wolf. the have nots. x wasnt wrong about la county living. they got me through texas and the north but this is different. it hurts in a different way. in la you are nothing in a different way. in seattle, i was nothing too, but i had time to cope. in texas, i was born nothing, survived as nothing, and escaped for something else.

it's no surprise that i think often of the hanged god. the traveler, and shapeshifter and cult revered war deity, but also, someone of liminal spaces, magick, the outcast, the outlaw, the brave, the ones who were born doomed and on the "FTW" path, from biker to hippie to prison nazi to homeless to sweet suburban teenager, to film maker, to dead souls, someone revered from the edges of everything. is there anything more punk than that? i think about this while i clean dishes in hot water and listen to the old gay german guy and his ugly friends by the open bay windows in the sunlight. they talk about inaccurate history and condescend women. i listen to the students talk about home loans, space-x, their new tesla, their student debt. i think about how inherited cp from my dead brother and that is another tax for surviving a premature birth, but at least im surviving. if i were fully disabled id likely be dead from poverty. people forget that. i spent money to make my hair nice. but they dont see my body changing. they dont see and hear the parallels im making every second. the fall of america, of civilization, all the people crying over slow amazon deliveries and oh no target is out of fake meat again. it's hard to get up from the willful ignorance. the immediate pain. i think of all the people who were too smart for their own good and killed themselves because they saw life's hard edges in modern society a little too clearly. i think of all the edgelords who idealize these people and make narcissistic selfish choices to sustain their grifting behavior. i think of all the people who delusionally go along with the plot of mommy and daddy state will take care of you. if you prove your worth. if you pay enough $. they breadcrumb us. like a master sociopath, the state breadcrumbs us. it rewards sociopathic behavior. it rewards the suicidal modern cutting edge chrome and glass while emaciated families starving by the thousands and millions from embargos get bombed to death.

it's hard to get up.

[bongrollan]

Our Story

You arrived in a box.  It was a small one, an ordinary brown box that the grocery stores supply when you buy items too heavy for bags - a testament to how unprepared i was to pick you up and bring you to our home. 

A day earlier, your breeder just informed me that i could pick you up already.  And just an hour before that, i was there looking at your crate where you and your siblings were all bunched up.

“Choose one” Rene, your breeder said.

I tried hiding a tinge of disappointment.  I always thought huskies were gray.  You and your siblings bore a shade i wasnt familiar with - copper or red. 

“I don’t know. Choose na lang for me.” 

“This one.  He is the most lively one.”  

And so it was that fate, working through Rene, chose you out of 6-8 similar looking puppies to come home to Fairview.  

In many ways, the box and the unpreparedness of it all, echoed the unexpected impact you would have in our house.  Pets weren’t big in the Rollan household. 

Before you, there was only one dog, my brother’s shih tzu, Kimchi, who occasionally visited and dazzled us with his magic tricks.  But there were no pets who lived at home.  

So you can imagine the mixed bag of emotions that came with me bringing you home.  A pet in a house that viewed dogs as bantay (guard dogs).  And that i insisted you share the room with me and my mom, because at the time, i shared a room with her, was met with many a raised eyebrow.

There were no instruction manuals that came with you.  No guides.  I didn’t have dog friends yet (furparents) and so for the early days it was trial and error - not a perfect parent recipe to raise a young pup.  The days and nights were a constant trying to sift fact from folklore as Pinoys had so many passed down on how dogs should be raised.  

Yaya and I stayed out late for hours on end to wait for you to poop.  (This we got right). I didn’t know about crate training and how it can be used to house-train you.  So we did it by sheer effort. And had to wake up in the early morning hours to rush you out until you eventually learned to keep it in till morning

I walked you every morning during those early days.  Before you, i never ventured out of the house.  I was taught that the streets weren’t safe, that tambays (people drinking in the streets) would bother you, etc, or the occasional stray dog could harm you.  I also didn’t know about parvo, distemper, and all the other diseases that you - not yet fully vaccinated- could contract.  So i guess we both had to venture out and try to keep each other safe.

You kept the stray dogs that barked at us at bay. They barked but you silently stood ground until they backed off.

A turning point for us was when we both started taking classes at Betterdog, and then eventually at Pup Culture too.  I learned to be a better parent and you learned to behave. To this day, several dogs later, you were the most behaved.  You could read the people at home.  You knew when they liked you and when they were scared.  And you wanted everyone to like you.

I didnt know about the stages of puppy development - most especially the three months where a pup needs to socialize and feel safe about the world. Exposure was key as it would set you up for life.  And without knowing that, we stumbled through that too.  I mistakenly hugged you when you shivered at the independence day fireworks display and that reinforced your fear of loud noises - a fear you brought with you until years later your love for the family and being part of it was much stronger than new year’s fireworks and so you ventured out to be with the family anyway.  

A bad encounter with a water bowl, where an older dog snapped at you for drinking his water, made you possessive of your things - a trait that made people fear you and one that we had to manage throughout your life.  People became scared of you - as you would snap at them.  Some were bitten and that made you even more a wolf in their eyes.  But even with that horrific image and perception, your loving nature still found a way to endear yourself to others.

You loved your car rides and your walks- just like your brothers who came after you.  But your joy was different and in many ways mirrored my own.  You were happy for the company not the walk.  It didn’t matter whether it was a trip to bgc, or the beach or even to the dirty park nearby.  The destination wasnt important to you. It was the people you were with.  

And yes i didnt get that wrong.  You wanted people’s affection and approval where other dogs wanted the company of other dogs.  When we walked with our friends, you always stopped to check if they were still with us.  And you refused to go home and part ways with them.  

You showed your love in simple ways.  A howl to greet people - which to be fair either was seen as endearing or terrifying, the latter i don’t understand why, a slight lean on their legs as you sit beside them. You didn’t just sit for people.  Other dogs would sit in front of you. You would move to the side of the person’s leg and sit beside him/her as if inviting them to touch you - go ahead, i can be yours for 30 seconds while you pet me. And how could i forget the kisses.  You loved to sneak kisses to strangers as they pet you.  A sudden lunge and then you would gently smack their lips with your nose.  And you somehow knew which people were ok to kiss and which weren’t- that obviously you didn’t learn from me.

I would like to think that despite all of my shortcomings and mistakes that we did ok.  I would like to hope that for the brief moments you were happy.  I know you changed me in ways i cannot describe.  You touched me, yaya (who became your most avid supporter) and mommy (who was deathly scared of you at first) and i believe we did the same to you too.  

I always joked that you had to be gwapo to be a Rollan furkid.  You set the bar pretty high. You were the most handsome husky i had seen. Biases aside, this isnt an opinion of a parent with blinders - like when your mom says you are handsome.  Everyone you met affirmed the same thing. You had a face so perfect.  And your hazel eyes, mind you blue eyes were all the rage at the time for huskies, were perfect and full of expression and life.Maybe your looks were genetic- although to be fair, we bumped into your littermate and he was a far cry from you. 

Or maybe it was also an outward manifestation of the love you always wanted to share and that i hope we also shared with you.

We had several adventures during our time.  But now i feel guilty that it wasn’t enough.  I would like to blame covid for stopping our weekly excursions, but it seems an empty excuse bec, i’m sure we would’ve or should’ve found a way.  I feel guilty that my attention was split when we got your brothers and sisters. That wasn’t fair to you and maybe it stung when you saw them being more accepted bec they didn’t have your phobias... But for all their approachableness, they lacked your soul.  Maybe that’s harsh or maybe too early as some of them are still young and with time could probably develop the same rapport.  But you were the one that was attuned to the family and to people.

Its funny how when you see the sum of all the things we’ve done and learned - obedience, failed attempts at agility and flyball, nosework, etc... we never excelled at any of those. I suspect they were never important to you. You were never ball crazy like the others, never really hungry to run and jump.   You did them because i wanted us to do them - because for those brief moments we were of one mind.  I wish i relished in that more than in the feeling that we failed time and time again. For those countless hours of training and the brief seconds before you pee to get us eliminated, we had each other

I told my friends when they asked who was my favorite-  you know Winter is the crowd favorite.  The celebrity crush people want to take pictures with and get close to.  Haru is the mysterious talented savant that you would admire.   But Watson has the heart and soul you would wish from a friend.  The pal who after all the lights and sounds have faded would just be content to sit beside you in the darkness. No words need be said.  But both of you would be contented just there beside each other.

Watson was and is my heart dog. I don’t know when we would get our chance to sit beside each other again and just watch time pass by.  Or when we would play fetch, or scent work, or walk or swim.  Thank you for touching our lives

Last september 10, you once more came in a box.  Only this time, this was to be the last time.  I took you for your last car ride to the crematory.  They could’ve picked you up from the house, but i wanted to bring you. One last time.  

I love you my Watson.  Run free and i hope we see each other again.