#anxiety especially is one of those mental illnesses that people say are ‘just normal emotions’

[mars-ipan]

i’ve been trying to get more comfortable with calling myself disabled

[warabidakihime]

★ characters: levi ackerman x reader | modern au

★ plot summary: levi helps you get through an episode

★ content warnings : implied su!cidal ideations, talks about mental illness (panic attacks, anxiety, and depression).

★ a/n: just a lil something i wrote out of sheer indulgence cause i am going through it ૮₍ ˃ ⤙ ˂ ₎ა . so i guess you could say this is true to life and the only difference is, i don't have a levi by myself doing all these for me LOL. BUT YEAH, i hope you like this one and i hope it could help other people who might be going through the same thing.

sending everybody hugs!

-

Title: Until When Do I Need to Run?

"What if I'm too tired by the time I reach the 'pinnacle' of my life?"

Your voice sounded soft and vulnerable as you let those words slip through your lips.

Normally, you wouldn't let these kinds of thoughts escape the confines of your mind, but today, your heart was desperately screaming for any semblance of salvation.

Anything that could shed light on your ever-gloomy world.

From the dining table where your boyfriend sat, enjoying his freshly brewed jasmine tea after dinner, Levi raised an eyebrow in your direction. "What?"

You were at the sink, washing the dishes, as it was your turn this week. You chuckled humorlessly as you rinsed a plate rather mindlessly. "It's nothing. I was just thinking out loud."

"And thinking ridiculous things too," Levi said, his voice louder than usual. It didn't occur to you that he had moved until you were spun around, facing him. He was already behind you while you were racking your brains for a response.

"What's wrong with you? Did something happen?" His frown was deep, his gray eyes piercing. Despite being shorter, his presence loomed over you.

Reaching for the kitchen towel to dry your hands, you stayed mute for a few minutes in an attempt to gather your thoughts.

"Work has just been... rough lately, and the stress is getting to me. But today was especially hard," you started. You were speaking slowly, trying to articulate your words as best as you could.

It was something your therapist had taught you years ago. Because of the things you went through growing up and the trauma you'd accumulated, you'd unfortunately lost your ability to speak coherently at times, almost to the point of being considered a person with a disability.

Having such a handicap was frustrating and humiliating, to say the least. It angered you when you couldn't get the right words out or when your mind went blank mid-sentence, rendering you temporarily mute.

Thankfully, you had Levi. He'd been your boyfriend for eight years, and since you got together, life wasn't as draining as it once was. You couldn't be more grateful to him. The two of you had met while you were on a coffee run at work. He was behind you in line, and when your card was unfortunately declined and you didn't have cash on you, you almost had an anxiety attack.

In his own way of displaying kindness, Levi scoffed from behind you and handed the cashier his card to pay for both your orders.

"If you don't want to go through something like that again, make sure you have cash on you, dumbass."

And the rest was history.

You went quiet again, and while Levi waited patiently, he took your hand, gave it a loving squeeze, and led you to the living room so that you could sit and talk comfortably.

Once you were settled, you took a deep breath, which sounded shaky as it escaped your lips. Your emotions were clearly piling up inside, and it was just a matter of when they would burst.

"Steady your breathing first, Y/N," Levi said as he rubbed your back gently, doing his best to comfort you while you grounded yourself. "Take your time."

Smiling sheepishly at him, you did as told, and then finally, you continued to confide in him.

"Nothing major happened, but work has been really hectic recently due to the amount of things we need to do, and it doesn't help that my team is severely understaffed. So, I guess the fatigue and stress have been piling up, and it's getting to me."

Levi noticed the tension in your shoulders and the way your hands were trembling slightly. He reached out and gently massaged your temples, his touch soothing.

"Any word on that incompetent manager of yours? They're looking for a replacement, right?" Levi asked, his voice tinged with annoyance. He knew the lore of what was happening at your workplace, and to say that he was pissed was an understatement.

Not only were you neglected by your immediate supervisor, but you also had to catch up and do his workload while still getting paid less than him. The whole thing was a mess, and to be completely honest, Levi was on edge, worried for your well-being. It sucked that his worst fears were manifesting.

"They're doing the best they can, so I'm just waiting patiently on that."

Levi let out a 'tsk' and rolled his eyes, clearly more annoyed for you. The gesture caused you to giggle a little.

"And to sum it all up, the whole thing kind of shoved me into another episode, and I started to overthink things again." You said with a pout, then continued, "I started to think of negative things again, like the fact I literally have to work like a horse just so I can survive for another two weeks. From that, I started to get dizzy because it dawned on me that it would literally take me years to succeed. And then I thought, what if by the time I reach the most successful point of my life, I'm too tired to celebrate or to even continue living because that's what I've been striving to achieve for so long, and that's where I've been pouring all my energy—"

"Okay, stop. Stop right there," Levi interrupted, his voice firm. He let out a frustrated sigh and pulled you closer, taking your hands in his. "You're spiraling, Y/N. You're making a mountain out of a molehill. We're going to tackle this together, one step at a time. Right now, you need to breathe and relax."

His gray eyes held a stern yet caring expression. "Focus on the now, Y/N. We deal with problems as they come. I'm here. I'll be your anchor, but you have to let go of the rope a little."

You looked into his eyes, feeling the weight of his words. Levi had always been your rock—the one who grounded you when your mind spiraled. You knew he was right, and his presence always brought you back to reality.

As you sat there, hand in hand, you felt a sense of calm wash over you.

"Thank you, Levi," you whispered, leaning in to rest your head on his shoulder.

Levi noticed the shift in your demeanor. He squeezed your hand reassuringly, his other hand coming up to stroke your hair gently.

"You know, Y/N," he started softly, his voice a stark contrast to his earlier firmness. "You're incredibly strong. You've faced challenges I couldn't imagine, and you’ve come out stronger for it. But even the strongest people need to recharge."

He paused, giving you a moment to absorb his words. "It's okay to not be okay sometimes. It's okay to feel overwhelmed. What matters is how you deal with it. And right now, you're dealing with it by talking to me instead of keeping all that to yourself, and you've also been really consistent with it, which is a huge step. Good job."

Levi squeezed your hand gently again. "We'll figure this out together. Maybe we can start by setting some boundaries at work. Or maybe we can find some ways to de-stress outside of work. We can try new hobbies, or just spend more quality time together."

You felt a lump form in your throat as you listened to Levi's words. Just him being there for you brought so much warmth; it's as if he's hugging you from within.

At that moment, you realized how lucky you were to have him in your life.

You looked up at him, your eyes filled with a mixture of gratitude and vulnerability. His words, spoken with such gentle sincerity, had a profound effect on you. It felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders. You realized how much you had been bottling up and how much you had been neglecting your own well-being.

"Thank you," you whispered, your voice barely audible. "Thank you for always being here for me. I don't know what I would do without you."

Levi smiled softly, reaching up to brush away a stray tear that had escaped your eye. "You don't have to figure it out alone, Y/N. And never, ever hesitate to reach out to me. I am the last person that would push you away."

A comfortable silence settled between you as you both took a moment to appreciate the connection. The soft glow of the living room lamp casts a warm ambiance, creating an intimate atmosphere.

"I know I've been a bit of a downer lately," you admitted, your voice trembling slightly. "I hate that I let this get to me. I hate that I'm becoming this person who's always stressed and overwhelmed."

Levi squeezed your hand tighter.

"You're not this person, Y/N. You're going through a tough time, and that's okay."

You nodded, feeling a sense of relief wash over you. It was comforting to know that you had someone who understood and supported you unconditionally.

The conversation continued, flowing naturally as you shared your fears and worries with Levi. He listened patiently, offering words of encouragement and practical advice. You felt a sense of peace as you opened up to him, something you hadn't done in a long time.

Hours seemed to fly by as you talked. The initial darkness outside had given way to the soft hues of dawn. Levi's grip on your hand never loosened, his presence a constant source of comfort.

Eventually, the weight of exhaustion began to creep in. You yawned, your eyes heavy with sleep. Levi noticed and smiled gently.

"It's late, Y/N," he said softly. "Let's head to bed."

You nodded, your head leaning against his shoulder. "Mkay. Thank you, Levi."

Levi kissed the top of your head. "You're welcome. We'll talk more about this tomorrow if you want, alright?" 

You nodded, a sheepish smile on your face. "Okay."

He stood up and stretched, a yawn escaping his lips. "I'll get us some water."

You watched as Levi moved toward the kitchen, feeling exponentially better, all thanks to him. When he returned with two glasses of water, he handed you one and sat back down beside you.

"Drink up," he said, his voice soft but firm.

You took a sip, feeling the cool liquid soothe your throat. After finishing the water, you placed the glass on the coffee table and turned to Levi.

"Thank you, Levi, for everything," you said, your voice full of sincerity.

He gave you a small smile, his eyes reflecting his affection for you. "Always, Y/N."

Setting his glass aside, Levi suddenly cupped your face with his hands, his touch gentle yet commanding. He leaned in, his lips capturing yours in a kiss that was more passionate and eager than usual. His kiss conveyed all the love, support, and reassurance he wanted to give you, grounding you in the moment.

You responded in kind, your arms wrapping around his neck as you melted into the kiss. The intensity of the moment made your worries fade away, replaced by the warmth and love radiating from Levi. He pulled you closer, deepening the kiss, his hands moving to your waist, holding you securely.

When you finally pulled away for air, you rested your forehead against his, your breaths mingling. Levi's eyes were soft but intense, filled with a promise of unwavering support.

"You're not alone, Y/N," he whispered, his voice husky with emotion. "I love you, and I'll always be here for you."

Tears of gratitude filled your eyes as you looked at him. "I love you too, Levi."

With that, he took your hand and led you to the bedroom. You both settled into bed, the weight of the day's worries feeling lighter. As you lay there, wrapped in each other's arms, you felt a sense of peace and security that only Levi could provide.

"Goodnight, Y/N," Levi murmured, his breath warm against your ear.

"Goodnight, Levi," you replied, your voice barely above a whisper.

The room fell into a serene silence, only your steady breathing filling the space. Levi’s arms around you felt like a shield against the world’s troubles, and the steady beat of his heart was a comforting rhythm that lulled you into relaxation.

As sleep began to pull you under, you felt a tender kiss pressed to your forehead while Levi’s fingers lightly traced soothing patterns on your back—his way of reminding you that he was always there, ready to lift the burdens you carried.

[eroticwound]

The Parentification of the Berzatto Siblings: Mikey’s Mental State

Let’s take a look at Donna’s mental state, as a way of understanding Mikey’s. Donna is dealing with mental illness. She most likely has a personality disorder (Borderline would be my guess) that might be comorbid with a mood disorder (Bipolar or Intermittent Explosive Disorder), and is using alcohol to self-medicate.

Donna’s alcoholism doesn’t exist in a vacuum. Because of her mental illness and the stressors of being a single mom, she is self-medicating with alcohol, meaning she is using it to numb herself out. Between 50 and 70% of people with BPD have substance abuse issues, and 41% of those with Bipolar disorder self-medicate.

This is the state of the Barzatto Family Home: the unstable woman at the center, who can be fun and funny, but is incredibly volatile. She is influencing and modeling behavior for all of the Bear Sibs. So looking back at Michael, as the oldest son, the burden of Donna’s moods and the state of his siblings (and any guests that happen to be around) is firmly on him. And he is empathetic enough to get others out of their funk and charming enough to keep things positive and running (relatively) smoothly. But all the anxiety of this situation—the parentification, which forces a child to disregard their own emotions and well-being in favor of their parent—gets severely internalized, and then masked by his ability to be loud and funny.

Mikey is avoidant above all else. In that first interaction in Fishes, between him and Nat, he literally says, “with [Mom], not handling it is the best way to handle it.” And this approach of his pops up again and again, whether he’s avoiding Carmy (by not picking up the phone or engaging in difficult conversations, or literally, when he leaves the pantry after Carm gives him the present), avoiding handling Donna, or avoiding dealing with his own mental health. This is in no way helped by the fact Mikey is most likely dealing with some form of chemical imbalance, whether it’s depression or bipolar disorder like Donna.

Add to all this the self-medicating behavior Donna models for him, and it’s a fairly clear line from internalizing and masking his pain, to substance abuse; alcohol and pain medication and whatever else he was using are just more intense ways of avoiding his pain. They are quite literally the only ways he’s managing his distress.

In fact, so much of Mikey’s behavior is modeled off of Donna:

The first person to throw a utensil in Fishes is not Michael, it’s actually Donna. She throws one at Steve while Mikey and Richie are giving Carm a tough time about Claire.

Mikey hits himself after Carm gives him the gift, and Donna hits herself at the dinner table.

If Donna hadn’t driven her car through the wall, the scene Mikey makes at the dinner table might’ve been the big story from that Christmas.

And then of course there’s the traumatic tirade Donna goes on about killing herself. That seems like a fairly common threat in the Berzatto household. And it makes me wonder if the gun Michael used to kill himself was his father’s, the one that Donna threatened to use.

And this is a real issue with Parentification: it becomes normalized and perpetuated. These roles and behaviors become integrated into a child’s personality, and alters ideas of what normal and healthy relationships look like. You can see this in how Michael treats Carmen. It was normalized for Mikey to handle Donna in the kitchen. It never occurs to him that baby Carm shouldn’t be around that. But it is normalized *and* unavoidable, so Michael let’s him take on that responsibility. Even the way he talks to Carm, calling him moody, a saltine—these are intended to get Carmen out of his head, but they are also cruel and tell Carm that his emotions are too much, that his emotions can’t compete with Donna’s. After all, Donna and Mikey work together as a parental unit.

You see it especially in the first Mikey-Carmy-Donna Kitchen scene in Fishes, where Donna and Mikey gang up on Carmy together, getting Carm to say he’s happy to be home and loves them. This is a lie to smooth things over on Carmen’s end, but if being around Donna is bad for Carm, it’s bad for all of them. Living at home has got to be triggering, and you can tell throughout Fishes just how done Michael is with it.

Michael’s adulthood is so sad. We know that he had a trail of failed business ventures, money problems, and even had to move back in with Donna. He doesn’t seem to have a girlfriend, and is stuck telling the same old stories from his youth, because the best he can do is mask his dysfunction and entertain everyone. All of this is a self-perpetuating cycle, his avoidance making sure he cannot ask for the help he needs, and his relative functionality ensuring no one pushes the issue.

My next post will breakdown some of the key Mikey scenes in Fishes.

[yourdeepestfathoms]

My Hopes For The P2 Changeling Route

Or, just some things I think would be neat to see when the time eventually comes for her route!

1. More of Clara being an emotional mess.

One thing I was REALLY surprised to see in the P1 Changeling route is just how emotionally tormented Clara is. She constantly expresses anxiety, stress, and even what seems to be depression. I mean, she literally has a line where she says she has been crying for several days. She is EXTREMELY distressed and tormented, something that I don’t really see people discuss very often. This emotional state is especially jarring because of how she acts in the Bachelor and Haruspex route, where she’s seen being snarky, cryptic, and kinda bratty. And then to play her route and see just how broken she actually is is very shocking.

P2 Clara is very different from P1 Clara. She’s less childish and more “mature,” though that maturity, at least to me, is very fragile, and you can tell this is a young girl pretending to be and acting like an adult because she has to. She’s way more bossy, way more snarky, and sometimes even comes across as rude (though—and this may just be because I’m a Clara defender until the day I die—I don’t believe she’s trying to be cruel or mean, I just think she has a really bad filter and says things that aren’t appropriate. not that any of those traits are even bad traits that make her a bad character. she is a teenage girl, or at least has the mind and body of one; that’s a very normal way for her to act, and i think it’s strange how some people shit on her because of that, despite her being a very accurate portrayal of a teenage girl—you know, minus the cryptic parts of her. but i digress!). I mean, she literally sasses off Artemy on several occasions, and Artemy is probably double her size, triple her weight, quadruple her strength, and has the power to kick her across the Steppe like a football—that’s the most teenage rebellion thing ever! And I’m sure in the Bachelor route, we’ll see even more of her being fiery and snarky because Daniil and Clara have, like, DOUBLE the beef compared to Artemy and Clara!

To have ALL OF THAT—all of that upturned nose sarcasm, that haughty “I’m smarter than you professionally trained doctors with medical degrees and a proper education” attitude, that bull-headed sassiness that makes you want to tell her to put her proverbial phone on the counter and go to her room—and then to get into the Changeling route and see that she’s actually very, very emotionally damaged and mentally ill would be a stark duality to how we’ve seen her in the past two routes. I think it would be especially surprising to those who never played P1 or at least never got to her route and never witnessed that side of her. The mask (haha) would slip off, and suddenly all of her vulnerability is raw and exposed and throbbing before our very eyes.

Because, at the end of the day, Clara is a child. She is a very young girl with obvious mental health issues and a mountain load of responsibilities chained upon her back, a young girl who is bullied and verbally abused and threatened by basically every single adult she comes in contact with (not you, Lara, you’re the real one), a young girl who has been forced to act like the adult she is not because all the grown ups in her life are too incompetent to do things themselves and would rather put it all on a child like she’s their personal work dog (i understand why this is from a gameplay standpoint, she’s the player character ofc she’s going to go off and do the quests, but Jesus fucking Christ, Maria, why are you repeatedly sending a tiny middle schooler to stop the gay men from killing each other?!), a young girl with one of the most, if not the most tragic and downright cruel existences I have ever seen in a character in all of my years of engaging in fiction.

Ahem.

I just have a lot of feelings about this character, okay?

But with the way Pathologic 2 presents it’s storytelling and with the new gameplay mechanics and how it REALLY digs into where it hurts, if IPL DOES use and revamp this aspect of Clara, I think it would make the Changeling route absolutely incredible story-wise and character-wise. An exquisite emotional rollercoaster that never seems to stop going downhill. It would be the best way to strike players where it aches the most.

OR TLDR: I want Clara’s emotional problems to be brought back and expanded upon in P2 so people can see she’s not just a sassy little gremlin child (because I have a lot of feelings about her character often being reduced to just that by the fandom.)

2. An expansion on Clara being the Sand Pest.

Out of everything on this list, I think this is the most likely to come into fruition because it’s a BIG THING with her. But I still wanted to discuss it anyway because I have Many Thoughts.

So, Clara is the Plague. We know this. But in P1, I feel like it wasn’t addressed as much as it really should have. I mean, this is a GIANT revelation—that this girl is the living embodiment of this horrible disease and thousands of deaths are, technically speaking, her fault—and it’s just kinda…swept under the rug. Clara has a moment where she’s like “WHAT” and then it isn’t brought up that much after that.

(And, for the record, I understand why this is. Everyone knows by now that the Changeling route was rushed. This isn’t me ragging on IPL, especially when the Changeling route is still INCREDIBLY well-done, to the point where I personally believe the statement that it’s rushed has been greatly exaggerated by players.)

In P2, I hope that Clara being the Sand Pest is a much bigger aspect of her character because it really is a Huge Thing that needs to be expanded upon. I want to see her have a full-blown mental collapse over this because you can’t tell me that that’s not the appropriate reaction to finding out you’re a living Plague.

3. Interactions with the Sand Pest

I’m referencing that one particular Executor that shows up in P2 to taunt Artemy about killing his kids. During my run, I referred to it as “Sandy,” so for this portion, the bird is Sandy for simplicity.

So, I want Clara to interact with Sandy!

It was terrifying enough for Artemy to face off against this thing, but imagine being Clara, staring into the glowing eyes of what is essentially herself. And she’s forced to grapple with this thing, fight against the consequences of an existence she never asked for, and be constantly reminded that with every breath she takes, she’s stealing the breath from someone else.

4. More interactions between the three Mistresses

The Clara-Maria-Capella trio is really underrated in my opinion, and I hope we get to see more of those three interacting. Because we have Capella and Maria, who clearly already have this established relationship and actually like or at least respect each other, and then suddenly Clara is there, throwing off their, for lack of better words, vibe. (I just know Capella and Maria gossip about Clara when she isn’t in the Nutshell).

5. More interactions with the Albino

The relationship between Clara and the Albino is so adorable and wholesome, and Clara deserves this inkling of kinship and love that he gives her. It’s such an underrated dynamic and interaction that happens in P1, and I REALLY want to see it happen again in P2.

I hope Clara gets to meet all those Albinos that Artemy saw in the Abattoir. I think it would be cute if she just had this flock of brothers.

6. An expansion on how Clara’s powers can just backfire and kill people on accident instead of healing them

I think there were two people Clara accidentally kills in P1- Lika and that mugger outside of Barley’s lair. It’s not mentioned at all with the mugger, and then with Lika, Clara freaks out briefly and then is like “anyway…”

This “power”—the ability to kill people with a single touch—REALLY needs to be expanded upon. Because it is a GOLDMINE for trauma and guilt. It’s also just something that needs to be explored way more because it’s a really interesting concept that P1 never gave much details about.

7. A deeper look into Clara’s existence as a child of Earth

I just really love that she is a dirt child and think it’s super cool part of her character, and I want her to have a deeper connection to those roots (pun intended). The lore in the game and the Steppe culture is so interesting, and it could be explored way more through the eyes of Clara, who is new to it, whereas Artemy knew most of it and Daniil just doesn’t fucking care to learn.

8. No more “stop the gay men from killing each other” quests

As funny as the concept of this small child stopping two sexually tensive men from beating the shit out of each other is, it got REALLY OLD after the second time. At the very least, the dialogue that you get when you speak to Artemy and Daniil each time should be different every day. If they hadn’t said the same thing Every Single Time, I think I wouldn’t have minded the repetitive quests as much.

9. Bring back the Barbie Blaster

Clara is clearly bigger and a little older than she was in P1, but I hope her hands are still too tiny to hold normal guns because I honestly really liked that little mechanic. It made her different than the other two. Also the baby gun you get is literally the best gun ever, idk what hbomberguy was talking about, that thing NEVER missed for me.

10. This funky healing mechanic I thought about

So, I started wondering about something- how is healing going to work in both the Changeling and Bachelor route? After all, they can’t exactly use tinctures anymore. But given how stupidly hard the game is, I wouldn’t be surprised if it expects you to get actual medicine yourself and make yourself go broke.

I then thought about this funky mechanic! I just wanted to put it here instead of making an entirely different post.

So, instead of using tinctures, Clara uses her hands. There are the three layers, like in the Haruspex route, and depending on which layer is afflicted, Clara suffers some kind of penalty while healing the patient, whether it be hunger, exhaustion, or thirst. This makes it to where she can’t just heal people without any sort of price to pay AND it makes her healing way more important because it really was just referenced in the first game. There were less than a handful of times where she ACTUALLY healed someone (not counting the Plague victims, as that is entirely optional). So with this she ACTUALLY heals people and has a very obvious power.

(Side note: maybe the less health Clara has, the less likely she is to heal people and instead accidentally kill them. Or if she’s infected, then she kills her patient or even infects them—or raises their infection level altogether if they’re already infected.)

11. An expansion on how Clara’s healing powers literally hurt her

Empathic healing, where a person has the power to heal but they heal by essentially absorbing the ailment of a person into their own body, is SUCH a good concept, and I don’t know if this was what IPL was actually going for, but I really want Clara getting hurt when she heals to be a bigger thing in her route. Because she DOES take damage when she heals Plague victims, and MAYBE that’s just a balance thing in the game, but even still! A lot of good game mechanics can come into play if healing harms her!

12. More Lara and Yulia interactions

I don’t have much to say about this, I just really like those two and want them to talk to Clara way more

13. A cool opening animation of her birth from the Earth

Artemy got the train sequence, Daniil is probably gonna get him slogging through the Steppe because it seems like brother really fucking walked all the way to the Town, so it would make a lot of sense for Clara’s opening to be her clawing her way out of the Earth and waking up in the graveyard! I know IPL could make a really cool sequence with that, so I have high hopes.

[cowboyjen68]

hi jen, i just followed you and this is really random but ive seen some of your posts helping younger people and it really struck a cord and i need to just let the words fall out of me.

ive been having issues with my girlfriend she cheated on me but this situation is very complicated and we're both fucked up people but i know she still loves me and i really love her. but my anxiety and our lack of communication is really bad right now and im so worried she might not love me the same anymore

ontop of this im 18 and for the past id say 5ish years my mental health and family life has been getting worse, getting diagnosis is hard especially with mentally ill and just overall bad parents that somehow dont understand or believe. i know im deppresed and have been i have anxiety, sever paranoia maybe bpd and bipolar and autism and everything is just so much. now the one person i had is something thats making everything hurt more and i just don't know where to go, im trying to get help but its so slow in this country and i feel so lost and tired i barely eat now and when i do its ether rare or unhealthy and everything is so much i want to collapse.

i hope this isn't to much to randomly send anonymously but you just seem really kind and helpful. thank u for your reply if you do

HI and please accept my apologies for the delay on answering this. I am sorry you are going through so much. My kids are adopted from foster care and I had many kids in my home for up to 5 years who eventually went back home. That is to say I have a lot of experience with mental illness, the systems that treat them, trauma and kids who came from unstable home lives.

At the ripe old age of 18 you have plenty of time to find love and contentment but right now might not be the time. I understand there might be odd circumstances that caused your girlfriend to cheat on you. If you feel betrayed and lost trust that is a feeling that is next to impossible to overcome for people with no comorbidities let alone a teen trying to figure herself out and deal with navigating the broken mental health/care system.

It is actually quite normal for young love to change and get redefined into friendship even when the circumstance are the best. Her cheating on you might very well be a sign that your relationship is in flux and not what you thought it was. A romance that has run its course is not a failure, relationships do not have to last forever to be important and real and worth having had.

It might be scary to think of not being with her, of not having your "one" person that you can count on but I do believe you can get farther working on yourself if you put time and energy into you and not dividing it up between you and her.

There is a lot of precedent set for women to set aside their romance and intimacy in order to be just friends while one or both does some work on herself. Sometimes it is necessary to stay involved for emotional support or financial support, that is just the reality of our world. Living single can be very difficult.

Please consider letting go of the relationship in its current form and putting your energy of yourself. Letting go of the stress of trying to repair what you had with her will remove so much pressure from you and from her that you will feel much more ready to tackle your mental state.

I promise. You are not a failure, she is not "the bad guy" in this story. Take all the wonderful things you shared with her keep those with you when you want a reminder that it loving her was worth your time even if it didn't end like you planned.

Seek mental health help but starting small. A therapist can help you begin to talk through things and often she can help you find additional resources like a medical Dr, public subsidies for insurance or free clinics to assist you in getting medication and mental health support. Most counties have a social services office and those employees are a wealth of information.

[birthdayplant]

Educating people on PMDD because i’m tired of it being perceived as just really bad PMS. I wrote this for my partner, but I think it’s helpful to those with the condition and those with loved ones who struggle with PMDD.

It is unclear what totally causes PMDD, but most say it’s a sensitivity to fluctuating hormones during the luteal phase. When estrogen dips and progesterone rises, it fucks with your serotonin levels. PMDD can also caused by hormonal imbalances. There is also a history of having trauma or CPTSD when one has this illness. The condition is also known to worsen over time until you reach menopause.

You know how some people drink alcohol and become happy while others become angry and depressed? That’s how you can perceive how one reacts to their progesterone levels with this disorder; like a negative manifestation of alcohol consumption. It’s almost as if you have an allergic reaction to your hormones when they drastically fluctuate.

“Hormones not only control your body and everything you do and feel, they are everything you do and feel. A Hormone makes you feel happy or sad, accomplished or motivated, affectionate, horny, competitive, hungry or full. We’re a walking sack of chemical reactions that appears to be sentient.”

There are 3 phases of the menstrual cycle: the follicular phase, ovulatory phase, and luteal phase. The luteal phase (last phase) of the menstrual cycle is usually 12–14 days long, but can also be longer lasting up to 17 days. The luteal phase of your menstrual cycle occurs right after ovulation and ends when you get your period. During the luteal phase, serotonin levels drop changing the brain’s neurocircuit that affects emotional and cognitive functioning.

Everyone gets PMS right before their period. I understand why people believe PMDD to be a “more intensive” PMS, but the major difference is PMDD is a long-term Chronic illness; it’s disabling.

PMDD affects your ability to normally function in your relationships, at work and in your home. PMDD completely alters your ability to function as you normally would outside of this cycle.

The symptoms usually occur in the week prior to menstruation, but for me personally, I experience these symptoms for at least 10-12 days; practically during my entire luteal phase. PMDD symptoms are the worst when your progesterone levels are the highest.

Here is a very long list of symptoms that can manifest in someone who struggles with PMDD

Common physical symptoms:

-Abdominal bloating

-Breast tenderness or swelling

-Headaches

-Nausea

-Feeling weak

-Abdominal cramps and pain

-Weight gain

-Clumsiness

-Body discomfort

-Being more jittery/restless

-Binge eating

-Sleep dysregulation

-Swelling of the hands or feet

-Joint or muscle pain

-Tension and soreness in body

Common emotional/mental symptoms:

-Angry outbursts/feelings of intense hatred

-Anxiety

-Confusion

-Depression

-Dysphoria

-Feeling overwhelmed/out of control

-Libidinal (sex drive) changes

-Mood swings

-Decreased concentration

-Irritability

-Appetite changes

-Restlessness

-Lack of interest in usual activities

-Feelings of hopelessness

-Social withdrawal

-Overthinking

-Paranoia

-Stress

-Crying spells

-Repetitive suicidal thoughts/suicidal ideation

-Panic attacks

-Lashing out on people/objects

-Lack of concentration

-Insomnia

-Shameful feelings

-Reactivity (feeling more sensitive than usual and taking things more personally)

-Thoughts that everyone hates you or wants you dead

-Brain fog

-Thoughts of ending things/impaired decision making (relationships, life, jobs, etc.)

Prevalence rates for lifetime suicidal ideation in people with PMDD were 45.8% and 37.4%, compared with 17.3% and 13.3% for people without PMDD. Many have attempted suicide or had a plan to get away from the debilitating illness.

How can I help a loved one who struggles with PMDD?

PMDD not only affects the person with the condition, but it also affects the people around them, especially their loved ones. One of the worst parts about PMDD is the sense of shame that’s felt when one realizes that they were short/rude to a loved one who didn’t deserve it. Many people don’t feel like themselves during their PMDD episodes as it can bring out the worst parts of yourself.

-If a loved one is going through an episode and does something you don’t like, talk compassionately to them about what hurt you and set a boundary: It’s very common for those with this condition to act unconsciously, have outbursts and disagreements during an episode. If you point your finger at them with frustration, they’ll either get angry and lash out even more or feel awful and internalize what you said due to the lack of awareness. Hold the person accountable, but remember that they aren’t intentionally meaning to frustrate you.

-Remind yourself AND your loved one that they’re having an episode: It can feel like your loved one is creating tension in the relationship as they may frequently express negative feelings. You may internalize this thinking that you’ve done something and take it personally, but most likely you haven’t and they’re just incredibly sensitive and vulnerable at this time. When one is going through an episode, their serotonin levels are quite literally at their lowest during their luteal phase. By reminding yourself that this is just an episode and having understanding that your partner is not doing this out of ill-intent makes you less hard on yourself and by reminding your partner that they’re experiencing an episode helps them be less hard on themselves and makes them more mindful as to how they may be functioning within the relationship.

-Take care of your loved one: Offer things that may ease their symptoms.

-Show your loved one some extra tender love and care: During this time your loved one’s view of themself will be at their lowest. Show them you love them and reassure them that they’re a good person and deserve to be loved.

-Help them reframe their mind and give them different perspectives: Sometimes it’s very hard for people with PMDD to see things differently. When they’re having a rough day during their episode they may not know how of pull themselves out of negative feelings/a negative mindset. They can also deal with false/negative beliefs, so it’s very helpful to offer different perspectives for them to cope better.

-Do things to make their lives easier during this time (ex. Cleaning apartment, doing dishes, doing small things you yourself can do (like grabbing the remote, putting something away, closing the door, etc.) rather than asking them to).

-Practice patience

-If you are dating someone with PMDD it’s very helpful to come up with a plan for the duration of your partner’s episode.

-If a loved one threatens to kill themselves or is acting off, please take it seriously.

If anyone who struggles with PMDD feel free to message me! You’re not overreacting or being too much; you’re living with an incredibly debilitating condition that alters your ability to self-regulate. I hope this was helpful. Let me know if you have any questions :)

[anomaliex]

Aside from Adaine's anxiety no mental illness or disorder is intended in the bad kids' portrayal I know, but I like to read a lot into everything. Most of this behaviour could just be chalked up to "stressed teenager with weird upbringing", but like what's the fun in fandom without blatant projection headcanons!! This post is about Fabian and Kristen.

I think Kristen is bipolar (Bipolar II probably?? I don't think she's ever fully manic). For example her behaviour in the beginning of junior year feels like a hypomanic episode, afterwards (when they lose Cassandra) like a depressive one. Being bipolar is basically switching between those two which sucks and getting to feel normal sometimes if you're lucky. Here's a WebMD excerpt btw: "During a hypomanic episode, a higher mood can show up as either euphoria (feeling "high") or as crankiness.

Symptoms during hypomanic episodes include: Flying suddenly from one idea to the next

Having exaggerated self-confidence

Rapid, "pressured" (uninterruptible) and loud speech

Increased energy, with hyperactivity and less need for sleep

People in a hypomanic episodes are often quite pleasant to be around. They can often seem like the "life of the party" – making jokes, taking an intense interest in other people and activities, and infecting others with their positive mood."

My take on Kristen's general Kristen-ness. Maybe.

Fabian has like. Intense ptsd. Originating mostly from his father's death and his "no good very bad day" except he doesn't realise that his father's death was highkey traumatising to him (which is a wild thing to say) because it was "awesome". He can take pride in it and be comforted by how it ultimately ended but that doesn't really null how horrible of an experience it was over all and what that does to a teenager's brain. I think he's surprisingly good at coping but he's. Not that good!

Also this one is kinda. Out there? But histrionic personality disorder. Going to a personality disorder might be reaching or whatever but like I said idc. As someone with a pd I just kinda jump on characters I like exuding symptoms, and god does Fabian exude symptoms. I feel like hpd is the one cluster-b pd people don't know (the others are bpd, npd and aspd) so honestly here's just a link. Excerpt from it: "A person with histrionic personality disorder may:

Feel underappreciated or depressed when they’re not the center of attention.

Have rapidly shifting and shallow emotions.

Be dramatic and extremely emotionally expressive [...]

Have a “larger than life” presence.

Be persistently charming and flirtatious.

[...]

Speak dramatically and express strong opinions but with few facts or details to support their opinions.

Be gullible and easily influenced by others, especially by the people they admire.

Think that their relationships with others are closer than they usually are.

Need instant gratification and become bored or frustrated very easily.

Constantly seek reassurance or approval."

Yes unlikely but hpd Fabian is true in my heart<3 I can't put it into words well but I looked at this guy season one episode one and was just "yeah no you smell like cluster b" and was never swayed from it. It's like when you see a character talk once and immediately decide they're autistic, you just know.

(Oh speaking of that Fabian is autistic. And Riz. And Kipperlilly. And and and anndddd autism post can be its whole own thing later.)

[iamosirita]

To All The People I Ghosted–Please Let Me Get Back to Life

Disclaimer:

This is not to glorify mental illness. Trust me, you don’t want it–for God’s sake, it’s not cool at all. On the other hand, if you still perceive mental illnesses are just a result of disconnecting from God, you can stop here. Please leave now and pray for us sinners lol. At the moment, I don’t give a crap anymore. Either this post can be a source for you to ‘spill the tea’ among your group of friends, if that makes your hangout session more fun–I don’t mind. I just want to get in touch with the people I care about, again.

 

Long story short, I ghosted most of the people I love for roughly three years, thanks to the major depression and anxiety–and now I just want to get back to life. Well, nothing says "I missed you" like a three-year vanishing act, right?

When It All Started

Let’s rewind to 2020. Remember that tiny old friend called COVID? Ah, can’t believe it was 4 years ago already. Months of getting stuck at home, 2021 was when it all started. I began pulling myself away from a few close friends, though at first, it was quite on and off. When the pandemic hit, with everyone still unsure when we are getting back to normal again, managing life felt like trying to juggle flaming swords while riding an analog unicycle–obviously I am not the only one experiencing this. That period of time was such a disruption, it was just too much to navigate. 

Working from home was  fun–for about five minutes. Then it just became a constant state of fatigue. It’s like, “Oh great, I get to live at work now. Awesome.” Everything was exhausting. I remember I used to lay down on the floor, give it a nice and loud grunt–right away every time I finished my online meeting. You must have done something like this, too. But no, that’s just not the worst, yet. 

Early 2022 rolled around, I didn't expect I would get such a major event at that time, later I found out it was just an accumulation of all the crap. One day I vomited so hard while having an awful emotional outburst–which led me to finally decide to go to a therapy, for the first time ever. And you guessed it right, I puked, again, after the session. The therapist was like, “You have symptoms of depression.” She suggested that I have follow up sessions regularly. And I was like (obviously I said this in my head lol), “Oh, you’re kidding me.” 

For a moment after that, I tried to get back into the swing of things. I felt like I could rejoin the land of the living–though obviously, with some assistance, being aware that there’s the ‘handle with care’ sticker on my forehead and I gotta do some homework from my therapist at the moment lol. 

So I started seeing more people again. Finally the stupid Covid started to be manageable as most countries were gradually opening their borders again–which means, we’ll get to see people physically, again! Yeay!

But then BAM! A big family incident. Depression hit harder, it caught me totally off guard. By mid to late 2022–which then got re-ascertained after getting another assessment with a different clinical psychologist again last year–I got the official diagnosis: Major Depressive Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. Great, I’ve always wanted a title. Now I don’t need to be FOMO, I joined the trend! Oh, Life is so colorful. Congratulations, Retmi!

What Happened to Me (In a Nutshell)

In short, I started getting more frequent outbursts. Ahh, my life was just so cool! 

I come from the very generation that’s quite well aware of mental illnesses but I never realized that it’s real lol. It is real fun! Having to vomit. Experiencing such derealisation. Feeling such terrible nausea–and even vomiting every time I get to see people, especially in person. I kept blaming COVID for this for quite a while. Not being able to do things due to those awful bad thoughts and sadness–like showering (my record was 2 weeks); eating (this wasn’t new, don’t worry indigestion and heartburn has been my friend); even reaching my water bottle ON MY BEDSIDE when I was literally FEELING so THIRSTY (This happened a lot of times and I would curse myself every time); including doing businesses in the toilet. Fun fact, I peed on my pants a few times, even got the urinary infection as a result of frequently holding the urge to pee–what a great week, having to keep going with lyfe trying to hold the pain without any medication, because I got rejected to have antibiotic pills from the pharmacy due to my depression. Instead, I was suggested to get a GP consultation for antibiotic prescription. Awesome. I indeed got so much money after spending so much to go back and forth, from the regular therapy, to GPs, and even Radiology and Pathology clinic to get USG mammogram scan and biopsy for my breast tumors—that was previously getting so much sickeningly painful—doctors suggested we need to ensure as they might be cancerous but turned out the awful pain was due to my depression and anxiety, too. Great. Oh, how I love being this cool. That’s why I then got these cutie little pills to help every time I feel like getting the outburst, otherwise my little tumor friends would scream. And so painkiller pills began to be my everyday best friends. Can’t believe I got to this phase of life, I never felt as cool before, really. 

I Am The Ghost

So from around mid 2022 I started ghosting everyone. Parents? Never told them. Friends? Poof, gone. I pulled myself out, I was the one who disappeared, to be exact. I got a new private contact number so I didn’t have to deal with such a long list of unread messages, especially in Whatsapp groups. Social media? Vanished. On Instagram, I started posting on my close friends only, to not posting at all. Later on I gradually hid my followers so they wouldn’t be able to see any of my story posts. From nearly 3k followers, to merely 60ish people. Basically deleting followers, but in silence—I didn’t want people to find out how I was doing. Yes—this bitj thought she’s that important and people do care about her lol. 

So all those apps, I was as active as a rock. I still keep checking on you guys, but I just knew y’all aren’t as cool as me anymore. Hehe.

Work? Oh, it was a joy. For the record, I don’t know how to swim, for real. And trying to stay motivated when you’re depressed is like trying to swim—through solid, thick, spicy sambal kacang. Well, I love sambal, but no one would want to be drowned in it, obviously. 

I am the ghost. I spent my time in my room, most of the time, isolating myself from people. You know, practicing for the ‘Anak Kos Sejati’ championship. However, I feel like I also got some ghosts continuously chasing me lol. During this period, I remember vividly, around May to August last year, I frequently had this bizarre visualization. It felt like I was stuck in the darkest, most confusing labyrinth, barely able to see anything, let alone move a single finger–This always made it hard to breathe and left me feeling nauseous. I felt like it’s so much worse than any of Joko Anwar’s horror movies–lol, he should consider hiring me as a horror consultant, I bet. I was scared all the time. I felt like my life had just ended and I could do nothing about it. Most of the time, I kept convincing myself I have died, at least figuratively. Or, I might better just go die, literally.

My Castles Crumbling

Yes, just like Mother Taylor Swift would say lol. 

I really had a hard time adjusting. I had the shiniest wheels but they’re rusting. 

Oh damn, guess I can safely say I am a true Swiftie, as I’ve experienced exactly what she writes(?) 

Yet, if you’re wondering whether I got to deal with such s*icidal thoughts whatsoever that commonly come hand in hand with major depression–no. I was convinced I would never get anything like those destructive ideas. Since the very beginning, every time my therapist (I met 3 therapists in total, btw) gave me questions related to it, I would firmly answer no. 

I am pretty sure I am still able to think rationally so I would never think of hurting myself, let alone anything worse than that–well, though I’m not sure about other assessment questions that might lead to the real answer that I might not be aware of. All I said was I constantly wish that I could just get some fatal illness like severe COVID or just let these tumors kill me quickly, without me having to be a burden to people around. 

I was pretty sure I would never have such stupid thoughts, ever–until mid 2023, I finally had it. It really came so casually effortless, and I didn’t even realize that was a form of s*lf-harm thoughts. It was July last year, I unconcernedly thought of trying to c*t my wrist, just to see how painful it is. Obviously it was during quite an outburst, but I was just quite used to dealing with them so I thought that was just my common anxiety and depression attack–until I talked to Yaya. (btw, Yaya is the one who’s been around since day one, helping me navigate every time I need help. p.s please do pray for her she’s so close to becoming a clinical psychologist now and I’m shoo proud!). I didn’t know whether I should be relieved to be able to talk about it before doing it. Trust me it really freaked me out, I never knew I would be so scared of my own thoughts since that day. My therapist then suggested that I stop cooking for a while to be safe. I didn’t touch kitchen knives for about a week, ensured I had the lifeline number handy, and trust me I still couldn’t believe I got to experience that fear of my own thoughts–until today. 

Retmi? Having self-harm thoughts? 

Told you, I’ve really changed to one of those cool TikTok kids and we’re just not the same anymore. Bye-bye friends, we’re not in the same league, I really need to withdraw myself from you guys lol. 

Why Did I Ghost You

Did I want to ghost you? Obviously not. 

Ghosting was my instinctive survival mechanism. It wasn’t you, it was me. I needed space to navigate. Sorry for disappearing, like that worst ex of yours. Not being able to celebrate your big days, stop listening to your stories when I know you must need someone to talk to. I have been too drained dealing with myself, barely able to keep sane through days, weeks, months, it is really excruciating. 

By the end of 2023, I finally told my parents what was going on. That was another significant period of the depression journey. Another fun fact, I made several drafts of the script (lol, gotta be well-prepared, right?) before finally talking to them. I then waited until I felt calm enough so I wouldn’t have an emotional blow-up.

But still, I vomited. Yep, full-on drama. lol. 

It took me years to accept that I have depression and anxiety. Just like how I’ve been disappearing the whole time, I wished they would one day magically vanish so I could get back to the people I care about. Spoiler alert: they didn’t vanish. Slowly, very slowly, I’m now in the process of trying to live with them. I can’t keep running away forever.

What I Want Now

Now I feel better. I still take my pills sometimes when needed. I get some outbursts and physical pains a few times in a while but not as frequent anymore. I started learning to listen to my body. I started picking up a new hobby. I feel like I’m slowly getting my self-esteem back, piece by piece. Putting things back in their places, including reconnecting with the world and the people I care about. Because, surprise, I actually missed you all.

I’m writing this to explain my absence. Obviously not to be pitied, oh that’s the worst thing I could imagine, please, please, please, don't bring me to tears when I just did my makeup so nice–lol you sing you lose! 

But please, again, don’t do that. I’m giving you this very brief summary of what has happened–in such a tone–if you happened to notice lol–so that you can see I am really getting better now–don't want you to pity me–and so I won’t need to explain myself again to you. I don’t know exactly how to start, yet, but when I finally say ‘Hi!’ to you again, I hope I don’t need to answer your “How are you?” in a very elaborated way, because in short, I am now fine! 

To everyone I ghosted, I’m sorry. It wasn’t about you; it was all about me. 

I’m trying to come back to life now, like a zombie with a self-improvement plan. 

I hope we can reconnect, and I promise I won’t disappear again. Unless there’s another pandemic, in which case, all bets are off. Thanks for understanding, or at least pretending to. 

Thank you, goodnight!

9 Jul 2024

[tea-with-evan-and-me]

i think sometimes, especially nowadays with mental illness being spoken about more openly, it causes people to analyze their own behavior and want to pathologize it. in reality, there are some experiences that are just innate to being human and aren’t necessarily signs of you having any type of mental illness. can things like being socially awkward and anxious be symptoms of a mental illness? yes, but it’s not at all abnormal to be awkward at times and anxiety is a normal human emotion. for instance, you may be awkward because you haven’t socialized to the extent you need to and are not comfortable with yourself. but you would get there eventually if you commit to putting yourself out there and exposing yourself to the discomfort and allowing it to fade. you may be anxious because you feel unprepared or ill-equipped for a particular situation, or there’s some other completely rational reason to have anxiety like a test result. it’s not always happening or affecting you just because you’re neurodivergent. particularly young people tend to want a diagnosis to “justify” things that are completely normal.

im in no position to say if that's the case for every anon here, but i've realized that us as a society have felt the need to put ourselves into a box recently. it is very important that mental health is a bigger topic and it helps people to reach for help but some just want a diagnosed to be labeled as something. like the "tiktok diagnosis" that everyone diagnosed themselves with something (that most of the time is one isolated symptoms like maladaptive daydreaming) but never searching for professional help. what's the point of "finding out what you have" and not trying to get the help you need.

maybe some people just want something to put the fault on. i've known people that have self diagnosed bpd (which is a real thing and has to be taken seriously) that just use their "diagnosis" to not hold themselves accountable for their actions. and even with celebrities, i'll use ER as an exemple, (again, i'm in no position to tell if she's bpd or not) i've seen many people speculate about her being bpd with the objective to take the responsibility of her actions away from her, "it's okay she has mental illness". and that goes for sooo many celebrities.

this is so harmful for the people that have a professional and serious diagnosis, the people that fight for visibility, having their own issues not taken seriously because of people who trivialize the condition they have

i agree. there’s a few basic tenets that i feel like people need to understand when talking about mental illness, and if they cannot do so it just derails the conversation for everybody. the first being that mental health/illness is not some entirely different concept to our physical health. it is real. just because you cannot see it doesn’t nullify it’s existence; i have an invisible chronic illness and i would liken it to this situation. i spent nearly two decades with my own suspicions but i could not self-diagnose myself.. or self-diagnose something like having a cancerous tumor. i could go to my family/friends, or a medical professional, to voice my suspicions and request testing be done to confirm, but i am not a medical professional capable of diagnosing. so, why do we make space and allow for people, some with dubious intentions, to do this with mental illnesses? it’s just not appropriate and it undermines those who spend years, sometimes MANY years fighting to obtain a diagnosis and treatment.

also, mental health conversations are not limited to just those who are diagnosed! mental health and your overall physical health are not separate matters. just like we could encounter an acute health emergency, the same can happen mentally during times of high stress or something profoundly sad/distressing. we can talk about all of these things without playing doctor and diagnosing ourselves with disorders, and really, we should.

[alan-p-49]

OOOH that's what it stands for (and this is gonna be long af and no im not putting read more on this thing. if anyone follows me gets annoyed by the short essay that I've written it's your problem)

okay so technically I have two of them: Zaccharie and Jason. Zaccharie me in a slutty femboy kinda way and Jason is me in an edgelord kinda way. Yes I ship them together. In reality a good chunk of my ocs have aspects of myself which got twisted into a completely different person but the one that have less of those twisting is Zaccharie and Jason. Even though they're technically self inserts I still treat the two of them as their own characters as well especially since how I imagine their mental illnesses to turn out. Zaccharie has the flavor of depression where its mixed with anxiety and nihilism where when he has a depressive episode he'd rot in bed meanwhile Jason's depression is extremely self distructive and he would do self harm and alcohol abuse. I kinda think that Jason might also have BPD (Anakin Skywalker kind of BPD) but this comes from me wondering if I do have it but my therapist said that I don't have the issue where the friendship meter with my friends not being stable when i haven't seen them for too long (idk about that bc rn its only one person i have that issue with but my therapist just says that its normal for friendship to decay anyways so im just ???) but whether or not I have BPD I'm pretty sure Jason has BPD ok enough with their mental issues, more on who they are as characters. there's two versions: the blood boy version and the vampire/sims 4 version

the two versions of Zaccharie are very different compared to Jason. the blood boy version of Zaccharie is very timid due to social anxiety especially since he gets bullied for being intersex and kinda has a toxic relationship with Jason because if Zaccharie stops being friends with Jason, he's afraid that Jason might try to kill himself (again) in which ends up becoming idolization of Jason being that strong bad boy which turns into a crush. Also this version of Zaccharie he's an empath and such a powerful empath that he can affect people's feelings. If he's sad, everyone around him gets sad. If he's happy, everyone around him is happy. If Zaccharie is suicidal, people around him become suicidal, etc. This empath ability also grows in size depending on how strong the emotion is. the stronger the emotion, the more people feel that emotion from him. He also has telekinesis bc why not bc that world has people that just happen to have superpowers.

the sims 4/vampire version Zaccharie is much more confident and is more evil and selfish than the blood boy version of Zaccharie. He is a vampire that has the vampire powers that sims 4 vampires get (the primary one is that he's resistant to the sun and has super speed which if fucking broke in the game). He is a son of a transphobic saladoradian cartel which didn't let him be an heir to the cartel because "that's a man's job" so he started his own mafia in the mainland where most of the sims 4 worlds are at. He's essentially the embodiment of the song Killer Queen by Mad Tsai

The versions for the blood boy and the sims 4/vampire ones are much more similar compared to Zaccharie's versions. In both he's a self destructive neurotic idiot but the main difference is that in the sims 4/vampire version is that he was experimented on and he became a vampiric abomination because his adoptive mother Lilith sold her adopted son to buy more cocaine meanwhile the blood boy version he's a reincarnation of an eldritch god known as Mashtovekath which who is used for human experiments as well but he's not the one who's being experimented on; his body is used for human experiments on US army soldiers known as Project Spartan. Jason is also known as The Blood Boy in Newton, Massachuestts (hence the series' name Blood Boy) because he's an eldritch abomination that was too autistic to know that you shouldn't kill bullies because they hurt your friend (Zaccharie. Zaccharie was the one getting bullied)

the thing tho for the blood boy versions of Zaccharie and Jason is that as I'm writing this, I realized that where the story really takes place, their relationship is in the background and since I've been writing Blood Boy again (it's going to be a novel on Wattpad not a comic) I'm actually thinking of adding Zaccharie in to the main plot as a US Army soldier that is with the rest of my military OCs (Steven (not to be confused with Steve my DnD character), Carlos, Jasmine, Jackie, Katherine, Mikayla, Captain Hopkins and my new one Bugs) that are the main characters of Blood Boy so that I have the whole Zaccharie x Jason thing going on bc I WILL NOT STOP SHIPPING MY OCS I LOVE THEM I WANT THEM TO BE HAPPY AAAAA

I do wanna hear about your S/I so

📝

I would but I don't know what s/i means so would you mind explaining what it means?

[nepenthendline]

A Characterisation/Writing Guide - Autism and ADHD

Hi everyone! This post is going to be a guide on how to accurately write characters with Autism and ADHD. I have been so many works where Autism and ADHD have been terribly written - using so many stereotypes and just nonsense that has nothing to do with neurodivergences, so I hope this helps educate writers and give them more confidence to write such characters.

For reference, I have Autism and ADHD, as well as many friends with either, therefore this information is coming directly from a neurodivergent.

This guide will be split into three parts: characterisation in both Autism and ADHD, Autism chracterisation and ADHD characterisation. This being because Autism and ADHD, while two different disorders, do have some overlaps. 

TERMS:

Neurodivergent - describes those differing in mental or neurological function from what is considered typical or normal

Neurotypical - describes those who are considered normal and do not differ in mental or neurological function

NOTE - Not everyone is the same. Everyone is different and will act and feel in different ways, this is simply an overview of how Autism and ADHD typically can be characterised

MUTUAL CHARACTERISATION OF AUTISM AND ADHD:

As mentioned before, both Autism and ADHD do have overlapping traits that can make them look similar at times, although it is important to remember they are two very different disorders. 

Autism and ADHD are NOT mental illnesses or learning disabilities. They are neurological disorders that people are born with, and cannot be treated or cured. Neurodivergents can learn techniques to help manage their difficulties, however. It is important to note that while these are not mental illnesses, it is very common for neurodivergents to have mental illnesses (particularly anxiety or depression) or struggle with learning as a result of their difficulties.

MASKING:

Masking is a technique that neurodivergents develop in order to act or speak in a way that is ‘socially acceptable’ or neurotypical by observing and replicating neurotypicals in different situations. This includes subjects such as not stimming/keeping still, not saying particular things, following social cues, speaking with specific tones at specific times and so on. 

Not every neurodivergent will mask but most do. Everyone does this to a different extent; some mask 24/7 to the point where you would barely be able to recognise any ‘abnormal’ traits, whereas others only mask in more serious or professional situations and let loose around friends or family. It is up to you as the writer to decide how your character will mask, however there tend to be some trends. For example, those with high-function Autism (especially girls) are much better maskers than low-functioning Autism (especially boys).

Masking is exhausting; it takes a lot of effort to, essentially, act as a completely different person for the entire day. This does not mean that neurodivergents are two-faced in any aspect however. Neurodivergents simply tweak their existing personalities to ‘fit in’ with the people or situation. 

Masking in writing:

It is quite difficult to write masking as the person is essentially just acting like ‘normal’. However, there are some things you can include that help demonstrate masking:

 Adapted stims* that are much smaller and undetectable than a person’s usual stims, such as fiddling with their fingers or edge of their sleeve, looking around often or slight movements such as swaying or playing with jewellery they are wearing 

 Speaking more or less than usual and with much more changes in their pitch and tone

Slight cracks in a character’s masking, such as stimming when others aren’t looking, not holding eye-contact when speaking, face or tone falling flat at points

*Stims will be explained in the next section

STIMMING:

Stimming refers to self-stimulating, repetitive behaviours that are done to often calm a person down when in stress, or to show high levels of emotion such as happiness. Both neurodivergents and neurotypicals stim, however there are some difference. 

The most common examples of stims are bouncing your leg when sitting in a chair, clicking your pen repeatedly or tapping on a table, which are things that most people have done at some point. The difference is that neurodivergents have a lot less control over their stims, and they tend to be much ‘bigger’, louder, distracting or harmful. It is also much more difficult for a neurodivergent to stop or ‘hold in’ their stims, causing more stress and agitation. Some people have small stims like fiddling with their hands, others have much bigger stims like waving their arms around, and some have harmful stims such as scratching or banging their head against a wall. 

Stimming in writing:

If you are ever asked to write about how a character would help someone else/a reader with their stimming, please never ever write about the character stopping the other person/reader. This is extremely harmful for the stimming character and projects a view that stimming is bad or ‘naughty’, and many people have faced trauma over being forced to stopped stimming as it is seen as disrespectful or distracting. Stimming is often one of the only ways neurodivergents can clearly express their emotions. If you stop a stim, the person will simply stim in another way. Instead, try these ways:

Stim toys that the character can use, these are often small and discrete, and can allow the character to stim without harmful, loud or large movements

Distracting the character with something else, possibly an activity, something to hold, or audio/visual distractions

Reassure the character that these stims are ok and they are safe to do around other characters

Take notice of the situation the character is in, why are they stimming? Are they anxious? Are they excited? It is better to prevent the situation in the case of stress rather than try and stop the person from stimming, and allow the character to stim when feeling happy

In romantic situations, allowing the character to stim with their partner shows high levels of trust and acceptance, and it is also comforting for the stimming character to often use aspects of their partner to stim, such as playing with their partner’s fingers or hair

Exercise is a great way of helping those who stim often to release pent up energy

Stimmers can trigger other stimmers, so if you have two stimmers in a room together, chances are they will stim together, getting louder and bigger than usual

SENSORY SENSITIVTY:

Both those with Autism and/or ADHD tend to struggle with sensory sensitivity. This describes how people are easily affected by sensory input (sight, sound, taste, touch and smell). Most cases of sensory sensitivity end in distress, fear, panic and overload, however there are some people who feel comforted by high levels of sensory input. When people deal with too much sensory input, they often go into a ‘meltdown’. This is different for everyone, but often includes irritability, panic, shutting themselves off from others, extreme stimming and a feeling of being severely overwhelmed. Some people cannot speak at all during these episodes. while others may shout or make noises. They are often mistaken for tantrums, bad behaviour or just being grumpy. Young people tend to have much more active meltdowns, such as shouting, stimming, running off etc, however older people (especially girls) then to be more quiet, shut off and unable to continue speaking or doing tasks. That being said, everyone is different and anyone can have a different meltdown. 

Sensory sensitivity in writing: 

The best way to describe sensory sensitivity in writing is relating it to pain or panic. Often those with low tolerance to sensory input describe loud noises, for example, as physical pain in their head, or certain materials as making them feel faint or nauseous. 

Sensory sensitivity relates to any sense, so some people may be terrified of certain noises, feel panicked by certain smells or feelings or feel sick/vomit from certain tastes - please understand the severity of this for some people

Neurodivergents often find techniques to help them with this, such as wearing noise cancelling headphones or playing music or audio to distract them

The best way to help someone during a meltdown is to help them out of the situation and leave them to decompress. This might include letting them sit in a dark room for a while, laying in silence or touching an item/smelling something that brings them comfort

Describing a meltdown for a character can often be similarly written like a panic attack, and often meltdowns can lead to panic attacks for some people, such as an increased heart rate, sweating, crying, hyperventilating/heavy breathing etc.

Struggling to write sensory overload? Try and think how you would feel if you had 30 different voices screaming at you at once, with bright lights and super itchy clothing. Really panicked, scared and overwhelmed right? 

Those who are sensitive to sensory input often hear/feel/smell/see things much louder/easier/more extreme than others, so while something may be quiet to one person, it seems really loud to another

HABITS AND COMPLUSIONS

Neurodivergences come with a lot of habits and compulsions, somewhat similar to traits of OCD. These are things such as having to have particular routines, having to carry certain items with them at all times (mine are my BTS water bottle and earphones lol). Without fulfilling these habits, compulsions and comfort items, a person can become extremely stressed, panicked and overloaded. 

Habits and compulsions in writing:

Writing these can go from very subtle to extreme, it could be that someone has to get ready in the morning in a particular order, eat their food in a certain way/order or follow a particular route to get somewhere

The odd thing is that neurodivergents are actually pretty bad at developing habits, a neurodivergent could do the same thing over and over every single day, but completely forget to do it one day and never do it again

When writing for characters, some characters may be able to mask their distress when their habits/compulsions are not fulfilled, however others can not do so at all, but either way this sends the character into feeling of panic and distress

A character may develop certain habits/compulsions for different reasons, it could be from experiences, completely random, comforting senses or familiarity and fear 

For example when walking into my nearest town I have to walk a very specific route on a specific side of the road or I freak out, this is because it’s what I’m used to and I struggle to deal with change

Speaking of change, a character can be written as anxious or irritated when plans are changed

SPECIAL INTERESTS/HYPER-FIXATIONS:

Probably my favourite topic - neurodivergents often develop special interests and hyper-fixations. These relate to specific subjects or activities that a person will learn about or engage in with extreme focus and dedication. Some common examples are trains and butterflies, where a person will learn and memorise  every type of train, or every type of butterfly to exist, and how different trains work or the life cycles of butterflies. This can be of any topic though, as a child my personal special interest was Ancient Egypt and I spent all of my free time learning about the history. As I’ve gotten older, this has changed and my hyper-fixations have been mostly BTS and Haikyuu (with some short ones in between). 

Special interests/hyper-fixations in writing:

Info-dumping! Characters with special interests can often be written with moments of info-dumping, where they will talk about their special interest for a long period of time to someone else. They are often very excited, talk quickly and possibly even seem a little frantic when trying to explain their interest - this is something they have little control over and tend to talk for too long or at inappropriate times 

Stereotypes are often written in special interests, particularly the example I gave about trains - not every neurodivergent likes trains, please be creative when thinking about what special interest your character may have, if they have one at all

A character may have one long-standing special interest that they’ve been learning about for many years, or they can flutter between multiple hyper-fixations in the span of a few days

Hyper-fiaxtions can affect a character in ways such as forgetting to eat or sleep, forgetting to do other commitments or becoming extremely upset, stressed or unmotivated when that interest is no longer doable (such as if a TV series ends)

Some characters may be embarrassed about their interests, whereas others will happily info-dump with no concerns 

FRIENDSHIPS AND RELATIONSHIPS

Both Autism and ADHD can cause difficulties in making and keeping friendships or relationships. This is often due to struggles in communication, forgetting to speak to people, getting bored of social interaction, getting overwhelmed and feeling too ‘different’ from everyone else. Some people, however, can make friends every easily, particularly more extroverted and confident types. Autistics in particular tend to have small groups of friends that they feel truly comfortable with, and may struggle to understand why a person needs other friends/ a large group. This can lead to feelings of ejectment or jealously. A neurodivergent will often struggle to know how a person feels about them without being directly told, and will need frequent reassurance that this feeling is continuous. 

AUTISM CHARACTERISATIONS

Talking too much or very little - about 40% of people with Autism are mute, meaning they cannot speak. Characters could also be selectively mute, meaning they can only speak in situations they are comfortable with, or certain people

Autism is a communication disorder, majorly affecting a person’s ability to communicate and understand socialisation. Here is how to characterise Autism:

NOTE - I have used functioning labels here as, personally, I prefer to use them and is more often used where I am from, however some people prefer not to, please keep this in mind

Speaking out of turn - this is either because they do not understand the social cue of waiting until someone else has finished to talk, or because they will forget what is on their mind if they don’t say it immediately

Taking jokes or words literally - this can cause character’s to become distressed when they do not understand a joke, or end up doing a task that was not meant to happen because they took a conversation literally. This also include having difficulty understanding figures of speech such as ‘it’s raining cats and dogs’

Having difficulty understanding the rules of social interactions - this covers a range of things, from struggling to know what to say when speaking to a cashier at a store, to not knowing what to say in certain situations. An example of this is if someone said ‘hi, my name is ....”, the social cue is to respond with ‘hello, it’s nice to meet you, my name is ...”, however those with Autism tend not to understand this and may reply with something else. In my experiences, I often panic and say ‘thank you’ instead, despite this not being the ‘correct’ reply

Expressing the wrong emotions - Autism makes it very difficult to understand emotions, either from others or expressing them yourself. While others immediately know a smile means someone is happy, this is not something that is easy to understand in Autism. An autistic person may laugh or smile during negative situations, or look upset or mad in happy situations as they are either unaware of how they are carrying their body language, or simply do not know what body language fits with what emotion

Difficulty understanding emotion of others - whether it be verbal or non-verbal, it can be very difficult for those with Autism to understand what others are feeling and can often jump to the wrong conclusions

Using the wrong tone of voice or having a ‘robotic’ tone - For the same reason as the last point, those with Autism tend to either sound robotic at times, or use the wrong tone in the wrong situations, such as sounding angry when they are not, however they are often unaware of this when it happens. This also means they tend to be more blunt and literal in their own speech

Not understanding hints - those with Autism often need to be spoken to very directly as they struggle to understand hints or ‘read between the lines’. This could be anywhere from not understanding hints of romantic feelings, to someone mentioning that the trash is getting too full (as a hint that it needs to be taken out)

Difficulty with focus and following lists - this is an overlap with ADHD however the reasoning is often different, autistic people are often perfectionists, so if you give them a list of things to remember, they will focus so hard on remembering the first thing correctly that they forget the rest. Difficulty to focus is often due to a lack of interest in the topic 

Attention to detail and ‘all or nothing’ - Autistic people are great at paying attention to small details and often focus on that more than the big picture. They are also very ‘all or nothing’ with how they delegate their focus, if they are interested in something they will put their entire energy and focus into it until its perfect, if they aren’t interested? They probably wont do it at all, this often means that some Autistic people struggle academically because they don’t feel interested in the topics, and therefore have no motivation to do the work

Great at following rules and instructions - despite being bad at lists, Autistic people tend to be good at following rules, this is because they are often black and white, literal and easy to understand, they like structure!

Increased skills and abilities - those with autism are often more creative and intelligent in a wide variety of skills that neurotypicals, in fact to be diagnosed with high-functioning autism, you must have a higher-than-average IQ. Unfortunately the stereotype is that Autistics are dumb or stupid - this is not the case at all

Boys vs girls - everyone is different, however boys and girls tend to act very differently. Boys tend to be more extroverted and loud and particularly struggle with understanding emotions or talking in turn. Girls tend to be more introverted, quiet and can mask much better, but struggle more when knowing if it is acceptable to speak

No empathy? - this is what people often relate to Autism, however this is inaccurate. People with Autism can and do feel empathy, however it tends to be slightly different. For example, if a neurotypical told another neurotypical about a bad situation they went through, the other person would often reply with ‘I’m sorry that happened to you, I hope you feel better soon”. A neurodivergent, however, would often reply like this, “something similar happened to me once.....”. This often comes across rude to neurotypicals, however it is much easier for a neurodivergent to relate the person’s feeling to their own experiences, and share comfort by letting the person know they are not alone

Difficulty with eye contact -  good body language often explains that eye contact is key, however this is extremely difficulty for neurodivergents 

Forgetfulness - to be honest I don’t know why this is, autistics are just really forgetful. You need to repeatedly tell them to do something or they wont do it

Planning - autistics often need and enjoy planning their schedule. They find comfort in knowing exactly when, where and how things are happening and with who 

Shyness and introverted? - many autistics will be shy, introverted and struggle with social anxiety, but this is not the case for everyone. A person can be autistic and be super confident, loud and extroverted - it is a stereotype that being autistic makes you shy and quiet

REMEMBER - AUTISM IS A SPECTRUM DISORDER MEANING PEOPLE CAN RANGE FROM MILD TO SEVERE TRAITS, NOT EVERYONE WILL HAVE EVERY SINGLE TRAIT

AUTISM STEREOTYPES:

Everyone likes trains

They are rude and blunt

They are stupid/unintelligent

They cannot understand rules

They cannot feel empathy

They are quiet and shy

They are disruptive 

AD(H)D CHARACTERISATION

ADHD is a condition that affects the focus and attention of a person. Here’s how to characterise someone with ADHD:

Not everyone is hyperactive - firstly, the ‘hyperactive’ part of ADHD doesn’t often mean physically hyperactive, but a person can have ADD where they do not show hyperactive traits

Difficulty focusing - this is much more than just not being able to focus, there are many reasons as to why this is, including getting distracted easily (by external sources or their own thoughts). finding it difficult to understand social interactions, feeling overwhelmed

Hyperfocusing - on the flip side, ADHD can cause people to hyperfocus on certain things, where it takes all their time and energy and they forget to do other things such as eat or sleep

Difficulty with eye contact -  good body language often explains that eye contact is key, however this is extremely difficulty for neurodivergents 

Speaking out of turn - this is either because they do not understand the social cue of waiting until someone else has finished to talk, or because they will forget what is on their mind if they don’t say it immediately

Difficulties controlling emotions and mood swings - this is often comes out in anger and frustration. This can be for various reasons: they are frustrated that they cannot focus like others, a lack of motivation, get easily stressed and insecurity

Restlessness - this is often seen as being always ‘on the go’, they need to be busy at all times doing different activities. In writing this can be shown as excessive talking, fidgeting, getting bored easily or taking risks

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria - this is an emotional response to rejection or criticism which often looks like insecurity and anxiety. This could be real rejection, or perceived rejection, for example someone saying they are too busy to hang out may trigger an emotional response of rejection, low mood and anxiety in someone with ADHD. This can also lead to anger or panic, and causes people to become ‘people pleasers’ or not try at all

Poor organisation - the opposite of Autism where those with ADHD struggle with planning, organising, misplacing items and keeping things tidy. It is difficult to understand priorities, separate relevant and irrelevant information and time management. Those with ADHD often begin tasks and do not finish them due to restlessness, distractions or feeling overwhelmed by the task

Difficulties starting tasks - ADHD can make it very difficult to begin tasks as they feel too overwhelming, difficult or take too much focus. Breaking down tasks into smaller sections can help this a lot

Forgetfullness - out of sight, out of mind is often the case with ADHD, and so things like post-it notes and reminders can help people remember things they need to do

Multiple thoughts at once - neurotypicals tend to only have one thought/idea in their head at a time, however those with ADHD often juggle multiple thoughts which can lead to distraction and frustration

‘All or nothing’ - Those with ADHD tend to be ‘all or nothing’ with how they delegate their focus, if they are interested in something they will put their entire energy and focus into it until its perfect, if they aren’t interested? They probably wont do it at all, this often means that those with ADHD may struggle academically because they don’t feel interested in the topics. Unlike Autism, they tend not to focus well with repetitive  tasks as this lacks simulation

Medication - unlike Autism, ADHD can be helped with stimulant medication that allows them to focus a bit better. This is not a cure as ADHD cannot be cured, however it can be beneficial to some to help manage their struggles

Acting without thinking and being impulsive - to find some stimulation, those with ADHD may act without thinking of their consequences, or can engage in risky behaviour as other avenues may seem boring, please note this is not the case for everyone, and these ‘risks’ may be very mild like trying a new flavour of ice cream. They can act impulsively too and struggle to wait their turn

Communication difficulties - while ADHD is not a communication disorder, it can have affects on communication such as talking out of turn, starting conversations at the wrong times, being insensitive to particular topics or getting too distracted to focus on the conversation

Need reminders to take care of themselves - due to a mix of hyperfocusing and not focusing well, those with ADHD may often forget to do things such as eat, drink, sleep or shower

Quite easy to get their attention - when someone with ADHD is daydreaming, getting distracted or not focusing, it can be as simple as giving them a tap or a smile to bring their attention back to the matter at hand, even if these needs to be done multiple times

Rewarding behaviour - this technique works well as rewarding good behaviour releases dopamine, which is the hormone often lacked in those with ADHD, this allows people to connect activities and behaviours with positive feelings and are more likely to do it again in the future

ADHD STEROTYPES:

ADHD is ‘diet’ Autism

Those with ADHD cannot sit still

They are disruptive

Everyone with ADHD is hyperactive, loud and extroverted

[adhbabey]

Internal symptoms are much more important to treat than external symptoms. This is true for every disorder and that's why the DSM needs to change.

Disorders are often seen as the way they affect other people, not the person who has them, and that is an issue. For all disorders. Even less stigmatized ones, even more stigmatized ones. These disorders affect the person who has them more than they affect other people. And that is why the narrative for these disorders is often so stigmatized.

Mental health awareness and acceptance needs to be about self improvement, self love and self care. It shouldn't be about the people that's surrounding them and it should not being about masking or conforming to society.

The reason why disorders can be lethal is because it affects the person who has them. People have terrible intrusive thoughts, people cannot get out of bed, people have paranoia or severe attachment issues, people are unable to do tasks, people are unable to control their emotions and people's relationships are affected. It's about the person who deals with these things, not for the people around them.

ADHD is seen as lazy and stupid. Autism is seen as childish and crossing boundaries. OCD is seen as uptight and annoying. Anxiety and Depression are seen as fake and poetic. Cluster B personality disorders are seen as dangerous and evil. Schizophrenia is seen as rare and unstable. DID is almost as stigmatized as personality disorders because people think its a personality disorder. There's so much more. The narrative isn't about the people with disorders. It's about how they are "mentally unstable" or idiotic. Not about the struggles they face or about the feelings/thoughts they have.

The narrative needs to change. Especially if people see those with these disorders as creepy or weird or dangerous. Especially if the narrative is that people are faking for attention. As if they don't have to mask everyday to just be accepted by other people. As if they aren't constantly told that their symptoms are their fault.

Gatekeeping disorders or fakeclaiming disorders comes from the narrative that these people are "crazy" and mentally unstable. That they can't have any agency because they're slow or dumb. That somehow your perception of yourself is warped because you're mentally ill. While your self perception can be warped, doesn't mean you can't be self aware and notice the issues that are going on. We don't exist in a vacuum.

It wasn't too long ago that mentally ill people were tortured and locked up. It wasn't too long ago that normal things like homosexuality and people existing, was seen as mental disorders. It wasn't too long ago that people were called the r slur, or that people were abused in hospitals, it still happens today. Institutionalization is not safe and it doesn't help people to recover. The medical industry is not something that can be trusted, and we need to stop putting so much authority and trust within them. They have been wrong in the past, and they control the narrative of mental illnesses.

We have been denied agency the most. And I'm tired of people going along with the idea that we've somehow lost that, that neurodivergent people need to be controlled by those who "know better". Doctors don't. I don't know a single disabled person who wasn't denied, discriminated against, misdiagnosed, or treated badly by a doctor. It's so fucking rampant and doctors don't research as much as they should. Stop believing in everything a doctor has to say. They're not the end all of disorders.

Disabled people know more about the ins and outs of their disorders more than a abled doctor ever will. They experience the internal symptoms and that's why its more important.

We reserve the right to the narrative on our disorders. It's about us, not about anyone else. Especially those of us with personality disorders, other people are not the narrative, but the things you experience are. So what if you dress weird, or have a hard time interacting with others, if you view that as a problem, then it's a problem. But if it's not something you believe to be bad, then it shouldn't be told as so.

It's time for disabled people to be more accepted, no matter how they present. No more of this shit. What you experience is more important and more true than how other people perceive you.

TLDR:

Internal symptoms should be more prominent and important than the external symptoms that other people see.

People can mask and opening about symptoms is not faking.

Disorders are highly stigmatized due to the narrative that we're "crazy", unstable and dangerous.

It wasn't too long ago that we had no agency in our image and in our lives. We were tortured, abused and killed in institutionalization.

Doctors don't know better and constantly misdiagnose and discriminate against mentally ill people.

Disabled people know their disorders better than anyone else. People can and are self aware, no matter how much their perception is warped.

The symptoms on the DSM are not completely objective and a lot of them don't matter and depict ableist caricatures.

[justmywriting1313]

I am here… I’ll always be here Part 2 (Diavolo x M/C) TW

Heyyyo friends!!! I hope you're doing well and are safe and all that jazz!! 

Honestly I would give you a long spiel of why I haven’t been replying to stuff and haven’t posted in so long but at this point I know I am horrible at replying and I am soooooooo sorry about it. Please accept that it comes with me. I will do my best to give more content soon though!!!!!! 

Currently I am in finals but I had worked on this for a bit before so here it is. My finals finish in like two weeks and then after that because I will travel I will be in quarantine therefore soooo much time to write so please be a little patient!!!!! Especially those who have requested stuff I promise ill get to you in a bit. 

Anywhoooooo here it is also same as last time for this fic: 

Part 1

I just wanted to say before hand the m/c in this deals with a lot of mental health issues like anxiety, self harm and eating disorders so this is a BIG TRIGGER WARNING THING!!!

If any of you EVER EVER EVER feel this way please know I am literally a message away and will hear you out without any judgement whatsoever, I know its daunting and can feel like there is no escape but there is always someone who will be there!!!! Okay with that said I hope you like it and hopefully this makes you feel a little less alone in the world.

I am posting it since many of you told me, you would like to read something like this. I just want to make it clear I am in no way romanticising mental health issues and self harm but for some people who may not have support in their actual live may or may not find this comforting which is why I  thought i would post it. Also another thing, as much as I want this to be realistic I am trying to show hyper emotions and people not really knowing how to handle these kind of mental health issues so some of it may seem like a stretch at sometimes but as long as the fluff can comfort you thats what matters. 

Summary: M/C bottles up some stuff and lets her mental health issues pile away quietly until one day it explodes... and the brothers are there.

Trigger Warning: M/c who deals with Anxiety and depression/ self harm/ eating disorders/ talking about these things/ descriptions of the former things listed and blood/ unedited - If anything else let me know. 

You had been sitting and enjoying the feeling of normalcy something you hadn't had in what felt like forever when Barbatros put the food in front of you guys. He put so much but you assumed it was for Diavolo so you picked up the spoon and bought it up to him. He had been looking down at you in deep thought before he had taken the bite with a smile. He then bought a spoon of the food up to your lips. You lightly shook your head while still looking at Mammon flicking food at Levi, however, the minute you did all the chatter that was working around you died. The boys had been eying you anxiously waiting to see you eat but at the shake of your head they all shut up. You felt Diavolo stiffen up and his one arm tighten as you turned around to him. You still hadn't realised that this was all because you had refused to eat. 

“What happened Dia?”

“Nothing love, I am just waiting for you to take a bite”

He said bringing the spoon up to your mouth again. He was really hoping you would leave it at that so that you could go back to what finally seemed like a normal night something you all desperately needed, but again you shook your head. You were now starting to get worried that this night may not be as easy as you thought so you resorted to lying about it. Its a small one right its not like it would hurt too much and then you could all go back to normal but you were so wrong.

“Oh! I am not hungry Dia! I ate enough snacks earlier.” 

You said smiling hoping he would buy it. His frown clearly said no and the grumbling of the others also showed you that you were not going to worm out of this one. Your grip on the table tightened and your stomach clenched. Your body felt tense and that didn't help the pain of the cuts on your body. 

“Whaddya mean M/C?!? You had one fistful of popcorn and that was it! Even that I had to force ya to! And whats worse anytime we tried to get ya to eat after ya clamped ya mouth shut!” 

Mammon exclaimed. He did not like that you were lying I mean yeah when he did it or asked you to it was fine but right now was different.

“Why don't you want to eat M/C?” 

Beel asked softly. He was also frowning but more from worry than anger.

“You guys are overreacting…  I eat I promise! I mean I just had food before you guys came to my room okay I got a snack from the kitchen.”

“M/C please do not lie! I was in the Kitchen helping Barbatros cook for a good few hours and you did not at any point come in,” 

Satan said sternly he hated lying and this was the worst situation to do so. You still were going to try and get out,

“Guys you're acting as if I stopped eating... but I eat I mean I have big appetite usually…  its just probably how I am tired today… its made me lose my appetite” 

You exclaimed hoping this new tactic worked… 

...It did not

“Oh really? Is that so? Then when was the last time you ate mhmm M/C? because it clearly wasn't today or the day before or even the day before that! I would know… Beel and I had kitchen duties”

Belphie exclaimed. You could see he was considerably angry with the charade you were refusing to give up. He seemed to be fuming, his possessiveness of his human coming through, 

“You have changed your story three times now M/C…  I do not need to ask Diavolo who can tell when someone is lying to know you are lying!” 

Lucifer had dealt with lying from his brothers before but with you he absolutely hated it. Firstly because he thought your relationship was such that you wouldn't have to and secondly because he thought you trusted him… his pride was hurt right now!

“Honey we aren't angry we ar– ” Asmo started,

“I am!!” both Mammon and Belphie exclaimed.

“As I was saying M/C we are concerned sweetie… clearly something has been wrong for the past month or so and you wont let any of us in… we just want to help” 

Asmo continued, surprisingly he seemed to be the only brother making some sort of impact and thats because he had a sense of what was happening. Being the avatar of lust was not always rainbows he has had many a partner who were in what he assumed is the same situation but this time for him it was a lot worse because it was you… this was the first time the consequences of these mental burdens weighed more than he was prepared for.

But then you felt Diavolo take a deep breath behind you. You knew he was controlling himself in front of the boys. If this had just been you two right now everything would have come out in the open a lot sooner and he would also have forcefully fed you food. 

“Please princess… You don't even have to talk about whats bothering you now but I in good conscious and… not just as your boyfriend but the one responsible for your well being will not let you leave this room without you having eaten something substantial…”  

Diavolo’s words were lightly murmured in your ear and they broke your resolve a little. Though they were quiet you also heard the silent threat which was he actually wouldn't let you leave. You decided some food wont be bad and hey if you still feel guilty you wouldn't eat the next day and that would make up for it. 

“Okay Okay! I’ll eat guys please calm down… I’ll eat if it makes you all feel better yeah?” 

“Take a bite first M/C!” 

It was rare to see Mammon be serious and hold a tone that would command others to listen to him yet it seemed to be the only thing you could read on his face. It bought an all too familiar stinging to your eyes as you bit your lip in attempts to keep the emotions as bay. The others would have been surprised if they weren't more so concerned. Diavolo could feel you fidgeting in your seat. You felt overwhelmed as they all looked at you with stern worried or angry eyes and you were reminded of why you did not want to be with them putting the feeling or normalcy aside. As sweet as this worry was you knew this was a slippery road down a conversation that a you didn't have the courage for because a) it would hurt them and you and b) You didn't even have the words to explain yourself. In all honesty you hadn't had this bad an episode in years and even if you had had it in the human world you would have been comforted in knowing not many people would care so you could fix this on your own sweet time. Anyway if eating meant you could protect them from this side of you then so be it. How difficult could it be? 

You weren't prepared for how wrong you were!

Diavolo looked at you looking at all of them with wide eyes. He tried to keep his worry and anger at bay with kind words and gentle smiles since the boys were already overwhelming you. He once again bought the spoon to your lips and felt his shoulders relax a little when you wrapped your lips around it. You swallowed it and all the boys slowly started to eat again though the idle chatter did not resume. You took two more bites when you felt your body jerk rejecting a meal that was so heavy. You felt your heart drop and palms sweat as the panic of eating something with so many calories settled in. 

“Nope I cant do this!” 

You exclaimed as you felt what little you had coming back up. You ripped yourself away from Diavolo as your body trembled. He pushed the chair back in surprise at your sudden reaction. This gave you the perfect means to slip between his and Lucifer’s chair as you made a mad dash for the door. You felt the bandages around your stomach rip but you didn't think too much of it though in hindsight you should have given the amount of cuts and the depth of some of them. You could feel some of the blood drip down your front as you ran to the closest bathroom. 

The scrape of the chairs echoed around you as you heard the boys shout your name and run after you. They first thought you just didn't want to eat but when they saw you hold a hand over your mouth they realised your body was rejecting the meal. It was Asmo and Satan first who realised that this is a lot worse than what they thought. They all followed you, Mammon in the front given his speed followed by Diavolo and Lucifer. But none of them were quick enough as you locked the door to the bathroom. 

You could hear them banging on the door and jingling the handle but you paid it no mind. You fell to your knees in front of the toilet, you heaved what little food you had consumed in the day, tears streaming down your face your hair covering your face. Your heartbeat was the only thing ringing in your ears as your body continued to tremble. You placed one hand on your stomach and you felt something slick. You didn't have time to see what it was as you continued to dry heave. You felt a pair of hands stroke your hair… the boys must have broken down the door. They were the slender hands of Mammon, you could tell just from feeling them comb to your hair as he collected them into a ponytail. Another pair of hands which were much larger and warmer circled your waist. You could tell just from the feeling and the familiar warmth of his huge body that it was Diavolo 

Asmo had stopped Diavolo outside and had told him that there was no point in letting anger take over cause these things weren’t in your control and so Diavolo tried his best to be gentle as he bought his face closer and whispered words of comfort, 

“Shhhhh… its alright M/C… Calm down love, It will be fine... we are sorry... I am sorry love!” 

Diavolo had never felt worry like this before in his life. This was something that as a demon he had never really been taught about and it killed him to know there wasn’t much that he could do. He tried to wrack his brain for what your file had said but all he could remember was the file and you telling him it was resolved issue. The lack of control he felt was damn near maddening because it wasn’t just him, it was the others as well. 

Then you felt the smaller and cooler hands of Asmo as he rubbed circles on your back. He also gently shushed you, 

“Its okay M/C you are fine sweetie… You'll be fine okay? We’re sorry we pushed you so much… we didn't know what was happening but now do okay? So we will take it slow okay? We promise… We’re sorry honey we should have recognised the signs earlier..” 

Finally your body finished as you collapsed in the arms of Diavolo. All the other boys had been crowded around the entrance. Beel and Belphie were already in tears, Levi was trying not to faint and Lucifer was clenching his fists so tightly he was going to draw blood despite the gloves. Satan and Mammon stood side by side. They were all trying to collect themselves.  

Diavolo pulled one arm away so he could wrap it around your shoulder only to see smudges of blood covering his sleeve. He frowned but then when he looked down he felt his eyes widen and his jaw go slack. A hoodie is usually made out of thick material. You would think that even if bleeding cuts were pressed against it, the material wouldn't soak through but what Diavolo saw completely disproved that. It was completely soaked through with what he could assume were deep cuts. He pulled away little more and grabbing the bottom of the hoodie in a tight fisted grasp, he slowly pulled the material away from you body to just below your breasts. 

You were so out of it, with no comprehension to what was happening around you that the only reaction you could give was a wince as the material clung to the cut up skin and pulled at it. All the other boys stood around with widening eyes not really understanding where this was going. 

Diavolo brushed his knuckles against the shredded skin. Despite being a demon who has seen more than his fair share of blood and gore he felt himself shudder at just how far you had pushed your body. 

Mammon who had taken to stroking your hair felt his stomach lurch at the sight of your upper body. His hands fell away from your hair so he could scramble back. You were leaning your forehead on your forearm which was braced against the toilet. Your body was in clear view and he could smell the metallic smell of the blood as his mind was relived a sight he had never wanted to see again. He was bought back to the day he had held your body and ran to the others as he begged you to hold on. It was the same thing, the smell of your blood, the sticky feeling as it soaked through your clothes, your pale face... it felt too familiar but also so much worse. Actually that seemed like a carnival compared to what he was seeing now. You had mutilated your body and the pale skin that seemed stretched too tight against your skin. He could feel tears well up in his eyes as watched you try to get yourself together.  

Lucifer who had been stood by the door and was coming in to the bathroom to help Diavolo faltered in his footsteps. His eyes wide like saucers as he watched the blood drip down your stomach and then fall on to the white tiled floor. He couldn't feel his hands and his heart was pounding away too fast for his liking. He felt his whole body freeze.

Levi fainted at the sight of so much blood. Belphie let out a strangled sob as Beel gripped his twin. Beel was relieving a sight he had never wanted to see again and Belphie felt like he had been dropped into one of his own nightmares all over again. Satan looked ready to shatter at what he saw. 

He along with Mammon were probably the most hurt by the fact that you had done this. You could have come to them, you could have confided in them they way they had in you and yet you chose to do this instead. 

Asmo was the only one who seemed not as shocked. Being the Demon of Lust these kind of mental health issues were something he was familiar with. Not just because many a partner had struggled with it but because when people did these things it was driven by a desire. As much as he tried to show only a sexual desire, Asmo was well aware of desires beyond that... desires that pushed people to do the worst of things both to the others and themselves... A desire to escape emotional pain, to be good enough, to be pretty enough… whatever it was. It was the consequence of desire he had seen one too many times. What was jarring for him was that it was you. His powers did not work on you and so he didn't know that this is what you were struggling with. He has tried to help so many of those partners who do struggle with this and yet he never realised or at least never wanted to see you at the receiving end of that aid. 

You finally managed to swallow your own saliva and open your eyes. You hadn't realised that all your secrets were open and bare for all to see until you took a woozy eyed look at Diavolo next to you. His eyes filled with unshed tears and his hand still holding the hoodie up. Time and actions caught up with you as you roughly pulled yourself away from his grasp. You backed yourself up into a corner of what you now realised to be Satans bathroom. The tears that had earlier been due to dry heaving wouldn’t stop for a different reason as you let your eyes scan over the boys. Strangled gasps and sobs were all that left you as your chest trembled. You were dissolving into a panic attack and all you could think about was how bad of a time this was to do so. You pulled the hoodie down as if that will fix all the damage that had been caused. You pressed on your stomach hoping the blood would disappear as your breathing got worse. 

You tried hard to get your breathing in control as you hugged yourself but the more tears that clouded your eyes the harder it seemed. 

“I am sorry, I am so so sorry… I didn't mean for you guys to find out and I promise its not as bad as it seems, I just… I lost control and I didn’t see how far I went but I promise it wont happen again. Please don’t… I don’t even know, I just… please leave me alone for some time and i’ll fix myself I promise and ˆ wont cause anyone anymore trouble... Ill be good I promise... just don’t hate me” 

There was no point in trying to hold yourself together so instead you just bought your hands up to your face trying very hard to control the flow of tears and manage your breathing. None of them moved nor did they say anything. They didn’t know how to handle seeing you like this. You were one of the most cheerful, affectionate and happy people they had ever known and they all loved you oh so desperately and to see you completely broken and begging them not to hate you for something that isn’t your fault...

The silence of the room was suffocating but also helpful. It was helping because you weren't even looking at them so you could just pretend you were alone in your bathroom getting yourself back together like you had done so many times, but it also wasn’t helping because you didn’t know what they were thinking. Your mind was conjuring the worst case scenarios and you just didn’t know what to do. All you could do was mutter sorries and ill try to be better phrases. 

They were all so consumed with their own thoughts that you took this as your chance to escape. Stumbling over books you ran out of the room. This is what pushed them all to snap out of it beginning with Asmo who  realised that in the moment you needed the most reassurance from them, they had all hung their silence over your head, made you apologise and run away to your room where you would sit and think of how disappointed they are. With a loud exclamation Asmo ran after you, 

“Fuck! Wait M/C come back darling we aren't angry and this is not your fault! M/C” 

Asmo was just a bit too late as he rounded the corner to see you dash into your room and lock the door. He arrived at the door with a bang. He knew this was not what he should be doing but what else was he supposed to do. You needed to open the door and let him in for him to actually help. So he continued banging, trying the handle multiple times and trying to say things he knew should be helpful, 

“M/C love look its just me, please open the door, you know that I understand darling, i’ve seen it so many times and I know how to help so please let me in doll… come now M/C please don’t ignore me, at least say something so I know you're alive… Honey please we don’t hate you!!”

Asmo continued though now he was cursing at the others who had yet to come. Unfortunately due to the strength of Lucifer and Diavolo’s magic no one beside them could open your door if you happened to lock it. Hopefully they would be here soon. 

Meanwhile the other boys were still reeling from what had just happened. None of them knew what to make of the situation. Belphie was heartbroken. He was taken to the same day he had tried to end your life. He remembered how he had promised himself to never ever let you got through pain like that agin. And yet this is what he had to see, he never realized in trying to protect you from others that you had needed protection from yourself. Beel was not any better, he was wondering how you had hidden all the pain you felt in your head so well... always smiling and cheering up everyone in the house. But then his mind went to the times he had woken up with you snuggled into his back or chest, your hand tightly gripping his, cheeks red and sticky. He had always brushed it away as nothing, or you coming to get away from Mammon and Levi bickering, or just bad dreams. It never once occurred to him that maybe you were trying to hold yourself together and beat these habits by coming to him for security. As these thoughts settled in the twins realised that now you had run away to hide like you had been doing for the past month and they hadn’t even tried to show you that they could help. They turned to look at each other before they both let profanities escape and without looking at anyone else they dashed out the door. They followed Asmo’s banging and loud voice before arriving and joining in, 

“M/C please open the door, let us help you… its only fair, you don’t have to do everything on your own. We love you M/C!!”

“M/C come on please we promise we aren't angry... just please open let us know if you're okay” 

Your muffled sobs were very easily making it through the door as you ripped your blood and sweat soaked sweatshirt off of you. You wanted to scrub this dirty disappointed feeling of your body, you wanted to start again and so you ripped you other clothes of of you and you entered the shower, your hands already rigorously scrubbing your skin, your nails digging into soft flesh if it meant you could escape this feeling. Asmo, Belphie and Beel’s voices were now joined by Satan, Levi and Mammon who had snapped out of their own stupors not long after the twins. 

Levi had been first realising that even normie’s could feel this way. As a demon self harm seemed very impractical since you know they can never die but Levi sure could relate with the feelings behind doing what you did and though he had fainted having seen the blood he had popped right back up. The blood and you having done what you had was actually not what had put him in as stupor. It was the fact that you, such a  cheerful and happy person who was always been there for everyone, had not trusted him enough to let him know what was going on in your head. As true friends he had made sure you knew that you could share anything with him yet you had chosen to hide the one thing you probably should have told him. The idea that you were agin facing it alone had made him follow the twin soon after,

“M/C i’ll give you my full TSL collection if it means you open the door... hell i’ll come to class with you from now on like you wanted me to right? but only if you open this door.”

Satan had been in his trance because he had felt angry, he had always shared the burdens that plagued his mind without fear of you rejecting him because you had gone above and beyond to prove you were not the type of person to turn away someone like that… yet you had not felt the same trust towards him and that had pissed him off. Instead you had taken it on yourself and pushed everyone away, leaving yourself with so many mental and physical scars and the idea you might be doing it again... He had taken this moment to stop his wrath but once that was in control he marched behind Levi because he was not leaving until you knew damn well that he was there for you and that if you ever did something like this again without talking to him he would throw the biggest hissy fit on the planet. He also grabbed the medical kit from his room on the way seeing as Beel and him were the best with bandaging people up. Though they were more than enough people banging the door that didn't stop Satan from shouting at you to open the door, 

“M/C open this door right fucking now... please just for once in your life don’t be stubborn and let us help and be there for you... like you are for us. Don’t make us break the door!!”

Mammon was not far behind. He was still very very shocked and scared but sitting next to Diavolo both of them covered in Patches of your blood, staring at where you had been just moments ago... he realised he couldn’t lose you again. He knows he is bad at showing love and lord/satan knows that he is pathetic at receiving it but the idea of losing M/C again... the idea of holding their body and so desperately looking for a pulse, a beat anything... he couldn’t do that again but if he didn’t get the fuck up and show them he was there for them then looking for a pulse is exactly what he would be doing again. He dashed up and was right there with the others, 

“M/C doll you gotta open this door right fucken now yea? we can help but you gotta open the door thats all we ask please? we will take care of the rest whatever needs to be done we will do it but only if ya open the door! Please do if for your Mammoney... I’ll give ya Goldie” 

They continued hoping something would get through to you but nothing did. Asmo cursed because the two people who could get this door open were still stuck in the bathroom and they were running out of options. If the amount of blood and cuts hadnt been as much Asmo would have bee more inclined to let you wait your panic attack out and then they all talk when they all had calmed down but obviously they couldn’t go down that route. The panic was worse because they could no longer even hear your cries anymore. All they could hear was running water and that was it. It terrified all of them. What if you had passed out? What if you had lost too much blood or cut somewhere too deep? Satan was also quick to realise you had put yourself under running water with bleeding cuts or at least assumed you had done that. Meaning you would keep bleeding and the cuts would not blot... Beel also seemed to have the same realisation as they both roared and tried to break the door down with more vigor. Asmo looked around waiting for Diavolo to show up because he knew that the devildom prince would get through to you but when he couldn't see him he cursed, 

“Fuck okay Beel, Satan, Levi and Belphie you guys keep banging on the door, if nothing else the noise will annoy them and they might come out. Mammon see if you can fly to the window outside and break it and get in from there. If you do first get her out of shower and then open the door.” 

“Yeah and what're you gonna do?” 

“Knock some fucking sense into the crown Prince of Devildom.” 

All the boys were quick to listen since they hadn't seen Asmo this angry ever. Asmo knew he wasn’t the intimidating type, even as a demon he was manipulative but he swore on anything and everything he could that if this went south because Diavolo was in too much shock he would burn all of Devildom down.  

Beel, Belphie, Satan and Levi got back to trying get you out of the door or in Beel’s case break it down completely. Mammon had already begun his quick descent down the stairs and out the house to locate the window in his demon form and Asmo marched his way back to Diavolo and Lucifer. 

Diavolo was still kneeling on the floor. His back hunched over and hair falling into his eyes as his eyes remained trained on the floor of the bathroom. The smudges of red against the white tile seeming unreal. His own hands covered in blood... of course it wasn’t the image of blood that had stunned his system into unwavering silence and shock... it was the fact that it was your blood.

He just couldn't move past the fact that you had done that to yourself. The shredded skin and the beads of blood forming along them... It truly was a cruel image. A demon with their claws would be able to achieve that but not a small human with a paper cutter or some small blade. He didn't know how he could have let it get to this point. Why didn't you come to him? If not him then Beel, Mammon, Asmo, or hell even one of the angels? Why did you think this was the only way out? He shook his head. That wasn’t even what he should focus on. What pain was so unbearably bad that the only control you found was through a blade? Why did you think they would hate you for this? what you had said while crying ringing around in his head. His brain felt muddled and heavy and his heart broken... he knew some bits from your file of course since Lucifer was diligent in his research when he did choose you but this, Diavolo clenched his fists and then unclenched them trying to get his brain and body to move but he had never been in such a situation... What was he supposed to do? 

Lucifer was still standing in the same position as well. His eyes still wide and mouth still slack. He had walked himself back out of the bathroom but then he slumped against the frame of the entrance. What had happened? How had it happened? As much as Lucifer knew what he saw was your own doing, a small part of him could not believe you had done that to yourself... You couldn't have. His little ray of sunshine M/C, the same M/C who made sure he slept and ate no matter the amount of work. The only one who understood him and the pain he went through when they all fell. The one who took the brunt of Mammon disciple into their hands. The one who never said no to helping others and the same one who he had at first thought too naive and good hearted to be in Devildom. The same one who had not just proven him wrong but the one who became a permanent staple in his family and heart... she couldn't have done that to herself.

she couldnt have... but she had,

“We... I failed her...” 

Lucifers voice hung in the air as he whispered it into the bathroom where it smelt off sick and blood. The silence was cut through by Asmo’s loud voice and angry yet delicate footsteps, 

“No the fuck you didn’t... Okay Lucifer look as much as I want to stay and coddle your pride to try and reassure you this was not anyone fault I... we don’t have the time so please listen to me well since I am only going to explain this once... This isn’t anyones fault, not yours, not Diavolo’s, not mine nor Mammon’s and especially not M/Cs... I cant even tell you why or how she did it. That is their narrative to tell and they will tell it in their own way but right now even that is inconsequential... Lucifer what matters the most right now is that they know that we aren’t disappointed in them and that we still love them... I promise you that we will love and support them after this so they never feel the need to reach for the blade but we can only do that if there is someone to save and unless you and Diavolo open the door so we can fix her up we wont be able to help her... do you hear me... You’re wondering why they didnt come to you? Well thats because sometimes you need your loved ones to come to you okay? I promise Lucifer everything will be explained and we will work this out and make her feel safe and get back our M/C but only if she opens that door!” 

Asmo then turned to Diavolo

“Look, I know you’re in shock and scared but if Levi could get over this than you do it. Diavolo i get that this is scary and what can you as a demon ever have to offer to help her right? you're wondering why she didn’t come to you and why she turned to this? like i said i don’t have the answers but the one person who does needs us more than ever and if you don’t wake up out of this then...” 

He let the end hang in the air. Asmo knew danm well that you would make it out alive. The cuts would cause blood loss but he had known they couldn't kill you but he knew the implication would wake Diavolo out of his mindset, 

Diavolo was still hunched over on the floor. Asmo hissed out a breath between clenched teeth before he pinched the bridge of his nose and walked over to Diavolo, 

“... I can’t do is Asmodeus... I cant look at that sight again...” Diavolo whispered

“so you rather see her dead in her grave yeah? is that it? You rather look at lifeless eyes as they roll to the back of her head and her chest stops moving” 

Shockingly enough that was the voice of Satan but not so shocking given the harsh and cold manner in which it was said. Asmo tried to stop him but Satan wasn't having it. He strode up to Diavolo whose head had snapped up, 

“You think you cant do it? you cant get the fuck up and help the person you love? you can’t get up and show them the love they need because what you're scared to see them in pain? I get that you're scared and shattered that M/C did this but newsflash Diavolo we all are but we aren't going to sit around we are going to help her because your fear to see the pain should be the very driving force to help them... and if you cant or don’t have the balls to then you are more than welcome to leave” 

Lucifer had broken out of his reverie not just because he had never seen Asmo this serious but because he knew Asmo was right. They can get all the answers to their questions later but only if that person was still alive after to answer them. By not doing anything right now they were letting M/C go and he would be dammed if he was going to let M/C’s pain be the one to take her away. They would figure it out but first M/C needed to come out alive out of this. Lucifer bent down infront of his boss but also his friend,

“Remember the first time M/C landed in Devildom... remember their eyes my lord, the fire in them as they walked right up to you and asked you whats going on while poking a finger at you... You hadn’t stopped talking about them for weeks after. Remember the first time they completed a task. It was at the house and you were visiting and when you had said good job and patted her head... remember the way their eyes glimmered and they had thrown their arms around you. The first time you told each other I love you... what had you said her eyes were like? like pools of melted onyx... You still want that? you want to see that when you ask her to stay in devildom... see that same glimmer?”

Diavolo nodded

“Then you have to get up my lord...” Lucifer muttered his voice deep, his hands squeezing his shoulders

Finally it sunk in for him. What was he doing? By sitting here and not moving he was leaving the person he loved the most to a fate he could not bare. He was leaving them to think the very thing he didn’t want them thinking and he’d be dammed if he would let them live like that anymore. He knew that he was going to have to learn a lot about the process of healing and how to help but if he didn't get up there might not be a person to do that for. He needed you to know just how unbelievably loved you were and so with a jump that scared Lucifer and Asmo though Satan still looked unimpressed Diavolo ran to your room followed by the others. This was complicated and messy and certainly scary but Diavolo knew with you guiding him how to help there would be no way they couldn't overcome this. 

Boy is this a long fic anwhooooo hopefully will have the next part up soon. Again cant wait for finals to end but yeah here it is lovelies!!!!! I’ll also respond to some the comments and messages and all that after i give my final tomorrow but yeah hope you enjoy it and as always please like and reblog and request!!!! 

(BTW: I am a new Army and wanted to talk to some army friends so please reach out!!!!! also give me some BTS fic requests and I can die happy hehehe) 

Masterlist

[apple-grass-and-smiles]

While everyone and their mother has commented on the scene from 2x10 where Dani and Malcolm talk about Gerald and his validity as a witness in the case, I have thoughts and decided I wanted to inflict them on you.

Basically, I come down on the side of neither of them really being in the wrong, but if pushed to choose someone who is most correct, it'd be Dani. I'll explain why below in the form of a list.

Some Things to Consider/Know About the Argument:

1. That I'm only calling it an argument for the sake of ease. I think a better term might be 'debate' or 'tense conversation' because while, at least from Bright's side of things, it may have the emotional weight of an argument, it likely wouldn't if a neutral third party saw it happen.

2. Both parties are entering the conversation in good faith. Dani has historically done nothing but be kind and try to be understanding of mental health as far as we've seen. There's no reason to think that anything she said was meant to be malicious. Same can be said of Bright, who is normally very happy to explain mental health issues if people aren't speaking as carefully as they should and has shown respect to Dani/Gil/JT when it came to expertise on police work.

3. Malcolm, bless his heart, is projecting SO HARD. It is a basic truth of Prodigal Son that Bright projects on people, but this is intense, even for him. It's clear from 2x09 that he is struggling not only with how his secrets are keeping him from people, but also how his mental health makes him feel like an outsider. Those emotions are heightened during this episode and then you add in Gerald who is basically Malcolm on the surface (both people who are exceptional experts in their field, who are kept from the life they want and the things they love by mental illness/shame/secrets, but desperately want to connect with the world, despite feeling they can never fit in). Therefore, when Dani talks about Gerald, Bright is assuming she thinks those things of him too and takes them personally even though we have no reason to think she means them that way or knows that that's how Bright is interpreting her words.

An edit after initial posting: I don’t blame Malcolm for projecting. It happens to everyone and he’s dealing with A Lot. However, my view of mental health is that while it limits your agency and choices, it does not relieve you of accountability. Just because Malcolm doesn’t choose the feel a connection to Gerald, doesn’t mean he’s not responsible to try and recognize that and then take a step back and remember that he and Gerald are separate people. It’s not fair that he has to do that, but it’d be equally unfair for him to expect everyone else to automatically compensate for his mental state, especially since he has not communicated to them how deeply he’s connecting with Gerald. It’s not fair or right, but sadly that’s how mental illness works in my eyes.

4. Dani and Malcolm are coming at this argument from two fundamentally different points of view. The biggest issue here is that Malcolm's background is in psychology, which is going to be more focused on health and improving the client's life, while Dani is in a police mindset, which deals with solving the case and helping people by getting the murderer off the street. Both of these views are necessary and they're why Bright is such a valuable addition to the team, but...

5. The conversation is fundamentally about Gerald in a POLICE/COURT CONTEXT. The start of this arguement is JT saying "I think we've got a problem. Let's say Clayton did murder Rosalie, could we even get Gerald to court?" and then Gil follows up with, "And if he did testify, what kind of witness would he be?" The argument stems from them needing to consider if their suspect would end up walking because their witness wouldn't be able to leave the house. Which is definitely something they should be concerned about because part of the job of law enforcement officers is making sure that your case is solid, which means your witnesses need to be as consistent as possible.

6. Context makes it clear that no one is making value judgements on Gerald's character; they're discussing if he'd be an unreliable witness. The first thing here is that being a witness, especially in a case where you'd be testifying as the sole witness of a murder, is a) stressful, b) pushes people out of their comfort zone, and c) a skill. My dad was a police officer for the first 18 years of my life, which meant he spent a lot of time in court and fundamentally, being a witness is something you get practice at. You learn how to answer questions, what lawyers are actually asking you when they say certain things, how far you can/should go in your testimony, all sorts of stuff. Gerald, to our knowledge, has never testified in court, is scared to so much as open his door, and deals with insane amounts of anxiety on a regular day where no one comes to his home. To ask him to leave his house for the first time in 14 years to go and testify at a murder trial where he would likely be brutally investigated by opposing counsel (you could very easily make a case that he's crazy/untrustworthy/unhinged because of his agoraphobia and it'd be hard to get a jury to forget those claims) would be fundamentally cruel. No one on the team, but especially Gil/Dani/JT, is in a position to give Gerald the proper emotional and legal help to make sure that he could hold up under questioning so using him as a witness would likely mean essentially throwing him to the wolves and, by extension, tossing their case. Their job is to catch the killer and if that means going in a different direction and looking for a witness who won't struggle as much in court, that's what they need to do.

7. "Agoraphobia does not make Gerald an unreliable witness." Bright is right when he says this, but Dani is also right when she indicates in the line before that Gerald does not qualify as a reliable witness. How can this be, you may be wondering? Bright is talking about being reliable as in being trustworthy. Dani is using it to mean consistent and able to hold up under pressure. Agoraphobia doesn't mean you can't trust Gerald's information or that he shouldn't be believed. However, it would make it difficult for him to meet Dani's definition of a reliable witness. That's not Gerald's fault or anyone's fault, but it is a reality of the legal system and Dani knows how to work within that system. (Bright likely does too to a certain extent, but as an FBI agent he would have been working on a federal level, while Dani would be used to state-level stuff and those are two VASTLY different arenas. Additionally, it's not entirely clear exactly how Bright's profiling cases worked out in terms of if and when he'd testify, but he mostly likely would have been testifying as an expert witness/leaning on his psychological training more than law enforcement training when he was in court.)

8. Dani calling Gerald 'messed up', 'strange', and 'cursed' is not the most tactful, but certainly not enough of an issue to throw her under the bus. First things first, 'strange' within context of what she's saying is referring to Gerald's situation, not Gerald, so I personally don't see a reason for that being an issue since it is a strange situation. Referring to someone as 'messed up' could definitely not be a great look, but I think it really comes down to personal preference. I wouldn't mind it because I know my mental illness does make me messed up at times so I don’t mind the term, but I also know people who would be hurt by that (granted, it's not exactly one of the worst things you can call someone). Really though, it’s dealer’s choice and if it hurts you, I totally get it; this is just my opinion/POV. Finally, Dani says Gerald is cursed to never leave his house and I could argue for a very long time that she's perfectly fine to say that because both in the context of the conversation and Dani's character as a whole, that comment is her trying to be empathetic and realizing that Gerald is not at fault for how he lives his life. It could be worded better, but she means well and the intention, as long as she's willing to improve her wording if it hurts people, is what matters here. She’s aware that sometimes mental illness feels like a curse and I think that wording makes it clear she doesn’t judge Gerald for his actions.

Final thoughts and TL;DR: I really don't think either party is at fault here. They both have very valid points and pretty clear reasons to think what they do. (Malcolm probably could have used a quick reminder that everyone was talking about Gerald and not him, but that's really it.) If I had to crown a "winner", Dani gets it because the conversation was always about the legal system and she's the most in the right about that issue. Malcolm had great points as well and might have “won” if this wasn’t a conversation specifically happening in the context of police work. She, like everyone, could definitely benefit from learning more about mental health and how to talk about it, but I think she has proven throughout the show that she tries to be as kind and accepting of others as she can. This was a point where she slipped up on wording, but her points were valid.

[seattlesea]

Why Solangelo Isn’t A Good Ship (Sorry)

The amount of love I see for Solangelo is honestly kind of surprising???

1. It was only for publicity. The House of Hades- which is when Nico came out as gay- came out late 2013, and the spike for LGBTQ+ supporters and allies was mid-2013, and there was absolutely no foreshadowing or even hints to Nico being gay beforehand. Riordan only confirmed Nico gay to avoid backlash. And in The Blood of Olympus, Nico is openly gay to the readers, Reyna, and Jason, then comes out to Percy and Annabeth afterwards. Then he’s introduced to Will and- in the very next book they’re seen in- they’re in a loving relationship. It’s as if Riordan didn’t believe that having Nico come out as gay was good enough but had to give him a boyfriend to ‘validate’ or ‘confirm’ his sexuality like so many assholes ask LGBTQ+ people to do. 

2. It happened way too fast. Will and Nico meet for the very first time and start dating within only five months. What? Not only is that too fast for normal people to actually get into a legit, real relationship that isn’t something out of a cliche high school movie, but Nico came out as gay after being scared to for years, just started slipping out of his isolated and depressive state, literally had to learn how to socialize after being alone for 3+ years, just came out of a war and even Tartarus with truck loads of PTSD that would take years to fully recover from, and just started gaining a family and friends and had to learn how to accept help and comfort from others. Tell me- how many soldiers who just came back from war are concerned about getting a boyfriend/girlfriend/datefriend? Nico’s story in BoO should’ve been about his recovery, not getting a boyfriend. I mean, he met Will for the first time and immediately started liking him, and they didn’t have any meaningful conversations whatsoever. All they did was bicker. Even in The Tower of Nero, they didn’t show any actual mutual understanding of or true affection towards each other. They didn’t talk about anything deeper than the shallow end of a pool, about each other, or even how they got to be in a relationship. They were just kind of there, reminding the readers that ‘Hey, I’m Rick Riordan and I added a gay couple to the main cast! I’m great!’

3. It was too fast for the readers. People often forget that the speed of relationships in books aren’t only about canon, but what the readers see as well, cause what good is a relationship if the fans didn’t see any of it? That’s not going to help us like it, it’s just going to confuse and annoy us. We want to see how the relationship formed, grew, and developed from a platonic friendship, acquaintance, or ally into a mutual romantic liking. If we don’t see that, the relationship is just boring and dull. Seeing the development of the relationship is what helps the readers gain a true connection and emotional bond to it. If we don’t get that, the relationship is as good as a blank page. And it’s not only that, but it’s also flat-out bad and lazy writing. Will and Nico met for the first time in BoO, talked like twice and only bickered and argued (as if that’s the start of a super healthy relationship), then in The Hidden Oracle, they’re suddenly a loving couple? What?

4. The mental illness problem. I’m sure most of you know of the disgusting and ableist stereotype that the struggle and trauma of people with mental illnesses (especially depression, anxiety, and PTSD) magically wash away after they meet their romantic partner, right? Like the teenage girl who’s having a panic attack in school, gets noticed by her crush, and is all of a sudden fine cause he touches her hand and they make eye contact? Or the girl who’s super insecure about herself but gains confidence after her boyfriend compliments her? Or the person with depression magically gets happy again after getting a partner? The same thing happened with Solangelo. At the end of The Blood of Olympus, Nico isn’t yet fully happy, but has gained the things that can make him so- a family, friends, acceptance, support, love, etc. But, after talking to Will (who’s a doctor, may I add) for the first time, all of Nico’s negative thoughts, anxiety, sadness, depression, etc. vanished and all his thoughts were replaced with ‘Will this’ and ‘Will that’. And in ToA- only five months after the war with Gaea- Nico is perfectly fine? As if all that pain and trauma could wash away in only five months? And this isn’t the first time this has happened in HoO. The same thing happened with Leo- he struggled with anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc. but after he met Calypso all those internal struggles magically washed away and he was happy only after getting a girlfriend, so it’s obvious Riordan isn’t exactly avoiding this hurtful stereotype. 

5. It ruined their characters. Before meeting Will, Nico had a lot going for his character, a development that didn’t need to be completed with a love interest. He was realistic, relatable, and overall one of the best written characters in HoO, and his trauma and struggles were actually really well-written. But, after he met Will, the entirety of his character was ‘Will Solace’s boyfriend’. That’s all Riordan wrote about after he and Will communicated for the first time. Nico didn’t even talk to Reyna, Hazel, Percy (besides telling him he had a crush on him, which- again- is just another part of his love life), etc., and the only time he did talk to someone else (Jason), all he thought about was Will and how he was ‘disappointed’ that it wasn’t him. All of Nico’s character arc, struggles, relatability, and everything else Riordan worked up to his character was destroyed to make room for his love life. As for Will, he was actually quite a cool character- driving around Manhattan on a motorcycle, fighting in the Battle of Manhattan, protecting Camp Half-Blood, sewing Paolo’s severed leg back together, healing Annabeth’s poison knife wound, etc., plus all the cool powers he must’ve had as a son of Apollo. Even his personality was interesting- extremely caring, too dedicated, intelligent, calm, patient, etc., and I was really hoping to see him at his full potential in HoO. But Riordan ditched all the potential Will had for ‘Nico di Angelo’s boyfriend’. Even their personalities were washed away for cute pet names and teasing.

6. The fandom ruined their characters. This was really annoying. At first I mildly disliked Solangelo, but after the fandom’s take on it, I couldn’t stand it. The fans completely destroyed Will and Nico. I mean- is there any post about Will that doesn’t involve Nico in it at one point or another? And there are barely any posts about Nico that doesn’t involve Will or some other male character like Jason or Percy or that doesn’t mention his sexuality. I get that they’re dating, but that doesn’t mean they’re completely dependent on each other now. Another problem is their personalities. The fandom portrays them extremely inaccurately. Will isn’t a super upbeat, cheerful, bright, outgoing, happy-go-lucky guy. He’s actually a serious and determined hard-worker who just cares a lot about people. Just because he’s the son of the sun god and has blond hair and blue eyes doesn’t mean he’s the definition of ‘happiness’. As for Nico, the fandom just gave him a whole new personality as well. I mean- Nico swooning or blushing cause Will called him ‘Sweetheart’ or some other cliche pet name? What? Since when? Solangelo was bad on its own, but the fandom just ruined it completely. 

7. Y’all only like it cause it’s gay. Sorry to be the one to say this, but if the majority of you hate Jiper after reading a whole series on them where they actually talked to each other besides about their physical health because it happened ‘too fast’ (which, I agree, it did) but love Solangelo after barely two paragraphs? Why aren’t any of you guys complaining that that went too fast? The reason is pretty obvious. This is a problem most fandoms have- they only like ships (especially canon ships) no matter how unrealistic, unhealthy, or toxic it is because it’s gay. If Nico was straight and Will was a girl but everything else went exactly the same, y’all would’ve hated on it in a heartbeat, but because it’s two guys... yay Solangelo???

I’m gonna get cancelled- 

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun