#another day i haven't had to myself!!

[oschonseleven]

love final fantasy fourteen

would love to play it someday

[arendaes]

It's 5:30am, I can't sleep because I had a bad night last night and I need to vent.

Sometimes I wonder if not being more open about my offline life is to my detriment, because it never fails that I seem to attract people who see me as someone who's easy to walk all over. So many people I've known both online and off really like to treat me however they like, including being rude, condescending, and sometimes just downright cruelly, but the moment I have enough and draw a line in the sand they just want to wipe it away and tell me all about how I'm the one in the wrong.

I once had a friend who ignored my existence for six months and then got mad when I told her I wasn't coming to her son's birthday party. When I say "ignored my existence", I don't just mean unanswered texts; I mean I worked at a store in town and saw her in there multiple times. Every time I would wave and say hi while she was looking right at me and she would walk right by me as if I wasn't there. She knew I worked there too because we met working there. Literally we went from hanging out every day off we had together to that and still she got mad when I was hurt and just didn't want to come to a child's goddamned birthday party (when I have no kid of my own) because of it. The kid was only a year old so it wasn't like he knew who I was, either.

And online has been worse in a lot of ways. I made a friend a few years ago back when I first started getting involved in fandom. At the time I was resistant to the idea but now I realize I befriended him out of pity, because no one seemed to really want to be involved with him and he'd always been so nice to me. That was a mistake, because it turned out he was an alt-right chud who waited until he thought we were close enough and then started deliberately baiting me into arguments where he'd say horrible shit to me and make me upset and then fucking laugh He admitted it was fun for him to upset me. He stopped laughing when I finally stood up for myself and cut him out of my life, only to repeatedly ignore my requests for him to leave me alone. He would send me messages and like my posts, along with asking his friends to do the same and even writing a fic about one of my favorite characters where an unnamed OC treated said character poorly (all while said OC said things that were word for word things I said to him in out last conversation) and posting it where he knew I'd see it. Thankfully his conscience got the better of him with that last one and he took it down just a few days after posting, but the damage was done. He's the reason my ask box is closed most of the time and I have it set to where only followers can message me or comment on my posts. I think he's moved on - I hope he's moved on - but I live with this ever-present fear he hasn't and if I let my guard drop he'll start again.

And this is just two of the biggest incidents in a long line of family members saying I can't have boundaries with them because they're faaaamily and honest conversations with friends about how they've hurt me only to have them turn around and blame that hurt on myself. I'm just...so confused about what I can even do anymore. It feels like no matter what I do I just attract people who want to use and abuse my good nature. Hell, it's been so bad that I typed that and immediately thought "are you good-natured or do you just have an unnecessarily high opinion of yourself?" Which I know is the brain demon talking, but sometimes it's hard to drown it out, especially when this is all I've ever known.

[emometalhead]

.

[kalihoffs]

Feyre, Nuala and Cerridwen

[hirazuki]

For Now [Chapter 18 snippet]

Sasori/Haruno Sakura, Sasori & Haruno Sakura | T | Blank Period | canon divergent | angst, hurt/comfort, enemies to friends | ongoing [AO3]

•────────────────────⋅☾ ☽⋅────────────────────•

“Human bodies are an inconvenience, in multiple respects,” he elaborates. “Surely you can appreciate this.”

Sakura sighs and flops on the bed, her back to him. “I am not debating life philosophies with you at – ” she cranes her neck up to look at the clock on the nightstand “ – three forty-two in the morning.”

“Oh? Is there something else you’d rather be doing?” Sasori smirks, knowing full well that he’s annoying her.

“Yes,” she snaps, sitting up and whirling on him, throwing her second pillow at his face. “Sleeping. I have a job to show up for in the morning, unlike some.”

She prepares to dramatically fling herself back down again but stops, abruptly, likely realizing that she has relinquished both of her pillows to him at this point, leaving her with only the mattress to lie on. He can feel the debate going on in her head – to just grit her teeth and live with the situation that she created, or to swallow her pride and ask for them back – and it looks like the latter is winning out, as she slumps her shoulders and starts turning towards him.

So, naturally, he does the only thing possible in this situation.

Sasori swings both pillows at her, trapping her head between them.

She sputters, briefly, and once the initial shock is over, yanks them out of his grip and attacks him with them. He grabs one of his own to defend himself with, and they exchange several blows until, predictably, she gets too invested, and accidentally channels some of that monstrous strength – and they hear the crack of wood.

“Okay, stop, truce!” Sakura calls, shielding her face with her pillows. “I can’t afford a new bed.”

“I win by default,” he announces, as she’s rearranging her side of the bed.

“I said 'truce!'” she argues, and snatches his pillow from his hands, clearly claiming it as a prize. “Hmph.”

Holding it close to her chest, she sticks her tongue out at him, turns around, and lies back down.

He doesn’t need it, to sleep; he doesn’t need to hold that particular pillow, though it's the one he's been using, nor does he actually need to hold anything at all. It’s simply that insomnia still breathes heavily down his neck – two years of being back in his human body is not nearly enough to overwrite almost two decades of experience, no matter how this body craves the rest – and he has discovered that clutching something physical against him helps to ground him, for whatever reason. 

But he doesn’t need it, and even if he did, he has his chakra threads at his disposal, growing stronger by the day – he can simply pull it out of her grasp.

Like her, though, he has a near-addiction to having the last word, and one of his favorite pastimes is making her squirm.

Sasori leans over, well past the unspoken boundary between their respective sides, and hovers above her for a moment, before lowering himself snugly behind her body and wrapping an arm around her – waist, pillow, and all.

“What are you doing?!” Sakura immediately startles – he can feel her muscles tense, and the way her heart is beating wildly – and attempts to throw him off.

His grip tightens.

“You stole my pillow,” he murmurs into the hair at the back of her head.

“You can have it ba –”

“Silence.” 

“But – !”

“Shut up,” he mutters again, holding her down more forcefully. “I’m trying to sleep.”

[manasurge]

lol working on vent art but I don't even know if I can get it done before i have to go to bed for work tomorrow -_- And tomorrow is arguably the worst day to work for me (canada day) bc something bad always happens and it feels like half of Toronto comes to our store location bc we're open while they all have the day off :) and on top of that I was given a long shift. I'm very bummed out rn.

[journeyman-tier-fibercraft]

Gave myself 2 hours to knit today + starting a new project to stave off the winter sads. This is the first 20 rows of a Niebling doily (Pinia) that will probably turn out to be closer to table cloth size in this yarn. (Hobbii Cotton Kings Sultan in Carnelian)

I got this yarn out of a mystery bag several years ago, she's very not a colour way I would ever choose to buy on my own but I think she's really cute. I think she'll go well with the flower design of Pinia, I hope the lightest peach makes it to the end of the mesh petals but the transitions on Sultan are usually good enough that no matter where the lightest peach ends it'll probably look fine. I would be surprised if I didn't have enough yarn for this but also probably cry a little. There's no way I'd be willing to buy more of this colourway so she'd probably end up in the shame pile for the foreseeable future.

[clownov]

when i was a kid i hated my body for being 'wrong' but loved that it let me rollerskate, when i was a teenager i hated & mistreated my body deliberately as a way to focus and control myself, & now i hate my body for acting like i'm dying again over the smallest stupidest shit and for being vulnerable to vitamin deficiencies, health problems, death & i still won't grow up & take daily fucking multivitamins

[extervus]

Skyrim SE AE was $12 this past weekend so after many many years I finally caved and bought it. Now going through and installing every mod that I can find that I have on LE onto SE

[giantkillerjack]

Ya know. I spent most of my life with horrible painful soul-crushing social anxiety.

And after about 25 years of continuous hard work, suddenly, people started pointing out - to my utter bafflement - that I had, in fact, achieved my lifelong dream of being charismatic. I'm 29 now; I feel comfortable in most social situations, and it is a very rare person whom I cannot make laugh.

I am, undoubtedly, finally, charismatic.

But do you know what I found?

I found that now that I have an understanding of which social rules serve which functions -- Now that I have an understanding of just how much damage my awkwardness was doing to people, well,

I found that, actually, my awkwardness never really hurt anyone at all. People were just judgmental dicks to me about it.

Now that I have the skill-level to (most of the time) creatively vocalize what is in my head as soon as I think it and without fear, I can confirm once and for all what I had always suspected:

I was worth talking to when I was quiet.

I was worth talking to when I was awkward, and when the words in my head took time and patience to hear, and when most of my jokes didn't land. I was worth talking to the whole time.

So I just... I hope that if you've ever wondered whether you are worth communicating with, the answer is yes. Absolutely yes. Each of us has a soul worth sharing - and if you and I were talking, I would happily wait for you to speak (or communicate in other ways) without condescending, and I would never shame you for that harmless awkwardness that so many people feel the need to violently stomp out.

You are worth talking to. You just are. And you deserve people who will speak to you with kindness, with patience, and with the basic immutable respect owed to all people.

(I talk about this with some frequency, both on tumblr and in real life. At some point, maybe I'll gather all my thoughts on the matter into one post. At some point, I wrote about my personal experience trying to build my social skill. But I felt the need to say at least a little bit tonight after seeing this other lovely post, and I'm glad I did. It will happen again.)

[ljubimaya]

Maybe if I go to sleep now I could have enough energy to write and do other productive stuff tomorrow

[cosmogyros]

I swear to God, modern music production is so FLAT that it physically hurts to listen to. There's no spatial depth to it, no air, no sense of this music actually being performed in a real three-dimensional space. Please can we bring back breath and air and space in music production?

[stairset]

Mom went to Starset with me and when we got home we showed dad someone else's video where they recorded their whole show so he could experience the Whole Ass Movie they were playing in-between songs so even though they already knew there was a story now they actually wanna know what the story is so now I gotta figure out a way to explain the entire plot of The PROX Transmissions in a concise manner.

[ame-to-ame]

there are things that you don't do for a year or more and pick up just right where you left off and these days i fear loving you might be one of them

[bongsavior]

HOWEVER !!!!!!!!!!

[purple-beans]

I can't sleep again