#annorexia mentioned

[pink-voids-blog]

I just checked my weight rn an I'm officially out of the 200s I'm so happy.

[wandering-through-wonder-land]

Depression and Lies, a Relative Truth.

Summary: The Truth is Relative, and Deceit knows this, especially when Depression comes to play. Or, depression affects all the sides differently, Roman gets the worst of it and Deceit helps him cope.

Warnings: Oh boy, Depression, self-deprecating thoughts, lies, mentions of anorexia (not in detail), Deceit, Sympathetic Deceit, bruising, mental condition affecting physical body.

Notes: This is based on my own experience with depression and my struggle to avoid becoming fully anorexic, as well as my realization the other day that the truth is very relative, especially within the mind of someone with depression. I don’t speak for everyone, this is merely based on my experiences with these issues, no one else’s.

Also on Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15329058

@anxiousangelvirgil

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Depression may hide the truth, but far worse it may alter what its victim considers to be a lie.

It was the voice that whispered and screamed into the depths of a person’s mind, telling them lies until a point comes when it no longer needs to lie, for to its victim, truth and lie had been reversed.

It affected all the sides without exception, though merely in differing ways.

To Logan it whispered that everything was pointless, that all of his goals were out of reach and he would never learn all he needed to, much less what he wished to. That there was no use in trying. And it continued, to and beyond the point when Logan would become fatigued, body hurting from unexplainable exhaustion.

In Patton’s ear were recountings of bad memories and whispers that he would always fail. Sinister voices that insisted he would never be good enough, couldn’t be since he always hid negative emotions behind a fake smile. In time Patton’s eyes would grow dull, his smile faker, a pain settling in his chest as motivation and joy were drowned under a torrent of sorrow.

Anxiety is called a symptom of Depression by doctors far and wide, when reality in minds like Thomas’s is that Depression heightens anxiety, rather than cause it. Virgil perhaps puts up the most fight against the voices echoing in his head, instincts to protect the other sides and their host winning out for a time. And so it was these instincts that Depression used against him, reiterating that life is pointless, that he could never be good enough, could never protect them, that they and Thomas would be better off without him to cause problems. Depression whispers and screams until fight-or-flight has turned to self-loathing, until tear tracks show on shadows no longer caused by makeup, and red crescents mar the insides of palms.

Despite all this, it is Roman who suffers the most. Creativity is a master at imagining anything he’s told, and the Ego is most easily bruised. Facades of grandeur hide insecurities, shielding fragile self-worth, but Depression slips under these shields easily. It is Roman who gets the most variety, each statement a well-placed dagger:

     “You can never create anything good enough for Thomas.”

     "You’re hideous and shouldn’t eat so much.”

     “You will always fail at protecting the others.”

     “How can you protect the others when you hurt Virgil? You’re pathetic and weak.”

     “Don’t eat that, you’ll just get fatter.”

     “Idiot, you didn’t eat today, go eat something!”

     “Now you’ve eaten too much.”

     “All your creations are flawed and horrible.”

     “You’re a burden. The others would be better off without you.”

     “They don’t love you, they never will.”

On and on it went, no lack of insecurities to be attacked, and Roman took it the worst. While Logan became fatigued and couldn’t think, while Patton drowned in sorrow, while Virgil fought not to end it all and never slept, Roman bruised.

Whoever coined the phrase “bruised ego” couldn’t have known how right they were. Normally when an idea was criticized or an insult was thrown at him by Virgil or Logan he came away with tiny discolorations in green and yellow, perhaps in blue and purple, spanning his chest and back and sometimes down his arms, they didn’t know and he kept it hidden…..But Depression was a worse hell. Every comment, every barb and insult from Depression, said in his own voice no less, left large splotches small as fists and large as soccer balls scattered over chest and back, arms and legs. Muted shades of yellow and green, blue and purple, black and red blooming like wrathful flowers. Harsher jabs and crueler words made them spread beyond his torso and limbs, coloring his face and neck.

Worse yet? Roman listened. Roman Sanders was malnourished and underweight, skin almost always a patchwork of bruises, eyes tired and sore from tears, all packed away and hidden behind a blinding smile and a grand princely façade. It was a smile he tried to practice in the mirror, as he did all of his more difficult roles, but the mirror was a dangerous thing, for when he could see his own reflection the voice gained in strength. Mirrors became an unhealthy addiction.

This is where we find the role of Deceit Sanders. Depression afflicts him as well, crowing that he’ll never be loved nor accepted like Virgil, that all he can do is harm the others and Thomas, but strangely, it doesn’t affect him quite as bad.

Depression is a personal hell silent outside your own head….with rare exception.

The others had long ago figured out that Deceit always knew when they lied, but they did not yet know the extent of his strange sixth sense. See, Deceit knew something the others hadn’t quite figured out yet: Truth was a funny thing, and in the realm of one’s own mind the facts cease to matter where the truth is concerned. He was not only aware of anytime the facts were outright denied or twisted, but also of anytime the “truth” was distorted.

Deceit Sanders could only lie to whomever he was speaking to, could only tell them what they would not believe….but he did not always speak in lies when doing so.

This is why part of his role was to care for the others, to protect them. And this is why he once again found himself appearing in Roman’s room while the other was standing before his mirror, gazing sadly at his own shirtless reflection.

“Roman.”

The creative trait did not turn to him but the flinching of his shoulders indicated that he had been heard. Deceit stepped forward slowly, each step accompanied by a statement spoken softly.

     “Roman. You are important.” Step.

     “Your creations are wonderful.” Step.

     “You are good enough.” Step.

     "Roman…”

He was behind the other now and he gently wrapped his arms around the princely trait, forehead resting between trembling shoulder blades.

“You are beautiful. You are not overweight nor grotesque. You are incredible.”

And so he continued for a time that may have been minutes or hours, continuing until he felt the malevolent presence abusing his ability lessen and the royal’s shoulder were shaking with silent tears. At this point the half snake trait lifted his head, rested his chin on Roman’s shoulder, and met brown eyes with his own mismatched ones in the mirror.

“You are loved.”

Roman’s eyes remained on his own in the mirror, though Deceit suspected the creative side could no longer see him for the tears running from his eyes.

Deceit would have stayed there, repeating words similar to these until Roman had cried himself to sleep, but he knew that was not to be when he heard the door open, a falsely happy voice calling the prince’s name.

“Roman I- !” Patton cut off abruptly at the sight of Deceit with his arms around a quietly sobbing Roman, mismatched eyes meeting his own from within an expressionless face. Anger lit the moral trait’s features and he stalked forward, grasping Deceit’s wrist roughly and drawing Roman to him more gently, practically dragging them both out the door, questions of concern falling from his lips directed toward Roman who did not answer. He dragged them, or rather dragged Deceit and carried Roman, out to the commons, disturbing both Logan and Virgil. He pulled Deceit to stand by the couch harshly before releasing him, settling a still crying Roman on the couch as the others came closer in alarm.

In the light Patton saw the sprawling nebulae of bruising and he turned to Deceit angrily while Logan attempted to ascertain the severity of the injuries.

“What did you do?!!” Patton was glaring at him furiously, but Deceit did not respond.

A whimper from Roman at a particularly painful prod from Logan sent the fatherly trait scrambling onto the couch to wrap his arms gently around Roman. Logan fetched some wraps and ice and ignored everyone while he applied them to the worst of the bruising. Virgil merely watched the deceptive trait in silent consideration.

Patton was running a hand through Roman’s hair repetitively, attempting to comfort him while he spoke to Deceit.

“Why would you do this to Roman?! What did you even do to cause this short of beating him?!!”

Deceit shrugged with one shoulder, tamping down his emotions.

“I did not tell him that he is important and loved.”

Virgil still had his eyes trained on him shrewdly and he raised a brow curiously, voice oddly calm in all of this. “A, how the hell could you tell him that since you can only lie, and B, why the hell would that hurt him?”

Deceit stared at Virgil helplessly, trying to figure out how to explain, but Patton gave him no chance, anger overwhelming the normally soft heart.

“It doesn’t matter! He can’t just do something like this to Roman! I don’t know what the heck we ever did to you- !”

Something in Deceit snapped and he leaned down swiftly, grasping the moral trait’s jaw in his hand, making him fall silent and forcing him to look at him. Logan eyed him warily while Virgil took a single step forward on reflex, still watching and assessing. Deceit payed them no mind as Patton fell silent and glared into Deceit’s mismatched eyes. Deceit had had enough.

“I caused this.” He let that sink in a moment, seeing Patton’s eyes widen. “The truth is not relative. I can not only speak to one of you what you believe to be a lie.” He saw Logan’s expression turn to one of mild shock as understanding dawned on him, but he kept his eyes on Patton’s. “I did not tell Roman that he is beautiful, nor did I tell him that his ideas and creations are wonderful, nor did I tell him that he is loved.”

He stared Patton in the eye for a moment, seeing surprise and guilt mingle in brown orbs, before releasing the other’s jaw and turning on his heel, not giving time for a response.

He met Virgil’s eyes as he passed and saw the other watching him in an appraising and calculating manner. He walked on, told himself that it didn’t matter, that he didn’t care. And if, as he walked away, a little voice in the back of his head told him that they would never accept him or love him….well, he ignored it. The truth is relative after all.

[lolibones]

[pinata66]

I think I'ma do this B)

And 10 minute of jump rope :0 but every week I add 5 minutes

[spacelaete]

Relapse lol

So after I was in recovery for about 9 months I can’t stand it anymore. I feel so disgusting und just wanna stop stuffing my face.

This time I won’t go to far cause last time I landed in hospital with refeeding system and almost died.

I will stop at about 33 kg I believe. My next goal is 40 and then 35.

I will start with high res and then see where I am going.

[dietcokedemise]

made this little report card the other day…

randomly got the idea to make this in hopes that it would help be an incentive to help keep me on track

i tried to make it similar to an actual grading scale??? but idk—i based the numbers around my gw and went from there

[fvckingygly-blog]

binge :(

did i just binge over 1000 calories when I was only supposed to eat around 500 today? yes absolutely. will I probably do it again? yes absolutely. did I cry while watching twitch streams because of it? yes absolutely. am I aware that things like this happen and I shouldn't let it change how I view myself as a person? yes absolutely. will that stop me from feeling like shit about it? no absolutely not

but for real, I ate a bowl of ice cream, a box of sour patch, a mini hersheys bar, a pack of graham crackers, over six(6!!!) servings of beef jerky, and I had a soda. plus I actually had both lunch AND breakfast. i feel like such a failure. I'm gonna try my best to go even harder tomorrow though. i just feel like all the work I've gone through has been meaningless because of this one day. i know that's not how it works but it still feels like that

[needinganout]

I haven’t been able to fast for almost two weeks; being over 48 hours into a fast feels so inexplicably /good/. I don’t want to end this feeling.

[pink-voids-blog]

[iguessimdoingthis]

Here we go again

I don’t even know what I weigh right now but I wouldn’t be surprised if I was back over 250-260 again. None of my clothes are fitting right. I feel more lethargic. I feel greasy. I feel ugly. I feel gross. I feel like everyone is looking at me. I feel so unbelievably upset with myself that I’ve even let it get back to this.

I know starving myself works. It has given me results in the past. It’s literally a non action, the lack of a decision (which I suppose is still one in its own right) to eat. Just go about my day, don’t worry about food. Stop letting it control you. Stop letting it consume your every thought. You’re better than this. You’re fucking better than this. Your boyfriend deserves better, not someone who’s 100lbs fatter than him. Stop letting it control you!!!

[sweetoreo33]

A little vent (possible tw)

I have been feeling so guilty everytime I eat. I know it's not healthy, I know that no food is inherently bad, and I know it's okay to eat but... I just have gotten to the point where eating makes me feel nauseous with guilt. Even something as simple as like adding chicken to salad...

[lolibones]

i'm back bitches ☠️☠️

[pinata66]

Okay I did this and I burned around 300 cals I only did it twice and 10 minutes of jump rope man I should have done it again but I did eat more than I was supposed to it wasn't like a binge I just ate more :p

[cantstopgetitgetit]

TRIGGER WARNING

I threw up my dinner last night. No idea why. But I was actually happy about it. Even though I felt like shit it still felt good to not feel food in me. I didn’t really eat all day. I’m under 500 cals which is pretty great. I still felt like I somehow failed at something for eating at all though and wished I hadn’t. And every time I try to eat away from people my mom will insist on eating with me and she stares at me and asks me questions while I eat and expects me to talk and I feel disgusting letting anyone see me eat.

[magic-fluffie-boyes]

Hello! I’m not sure if your asks are open still (please disregard this or disregard this if this would not be healthy for you to write currently!) but your fic with Mammon and Beel’s responses to an MC who has anorexia was really therapeutic to read, and I was wondering if you could do a few more reactions (with any character you feel like)?

It’s been a while since I’ve even looked at my ask box on any account, but I saw the notification for this one, and… I dunno, some cord inside of me was hit just right. It’s more than likely that my own condition has gotten worse and I need the therapeutic comfort too… whatever it is I need to thank you for giving me a chance to allow myself to enjoy doing this again. As for my other nonnie who initially requested Luci and Asmo, (whose ask will be answered after this), thank you too, I’m glad that I can be sort of help and comfort for a condition that isn’t really acknowledged enough.

⚠️TW: Annorexia; Mentions of body image issues; Bad grammar⚠️

Lucifer

⭐️ Lucifer prides himself on knowing much about the human condition, despite not fully understanding it; and he prides himself on knowing his darling exchange student very well… but this...

⭐️ He doesn’t notice it at first, mostly because he doesn’t care to notice at first. Themskipping out on a few meals is a bit annoying, but nothing too concerning to him as they seemed healthy -- happy even.

⭐️ He does acknowledge it is… a bit unnatural… not what they should be doing, but so long as they are healthy there should be no issues.

⭐️ However, it gets to the point where they’re skipping multiple meals in a day, and they look pale and tired all the time. They hardly have the energy to do much anymore, and they’re most definitely falling behind in their classes from how distracted they are.

⭐️ He tried to step in then, but they just told him that they were fine, and began a semi-normal eating routine again… his pride wouldn’t allow him to press any further when there wasn’t much reason to.

⭐️ It wasn’t until Satan walked into his office one day, clearly riled up and very upset with him that he realized the gravity of the situation.

⭐️ Satan explained to him what they were doing was seriously harming their body and health, and that it needed to be dealt with unless he wanted to see his darling human fade away before his very eyes.

⭐️ That is when he decided to step in because he may not know many things about humans -- not that he would admit that -- but if Satan was seeking out his help in such a fashion it must be serious.

⭐️ So he takes them aside and asks them to explain it to him, because how could they neglect such an essential part of their health? Why would they do this to themselves? There had to be a logical explanation...

⭐️ When they do explain, he’s left a bit confused, and a bit upset at himself. He could’ve done something about this from the beginning, or at least stopped it from developing so severely… but of course, he didn’t, and there’s nothing he can do but help them get better now.

⭐️ He starts by reintroducing them to food via having his brothers and himself cook up food that he knows they like, staying at the dinner table with them until they finish their plate entirely.

⭐️ He also begins taking time out of his work to listen to them and better understand their situation, while also quietly assuring them that they are not alone, he is there and he always will be.

⭐️ He takes everything on himself because it’s, in his eyes at least, the best way to deal with such an issue. If he can watch over everything, he can be sure that they are taking great care of themselves.

⭐️ And, of course, he assures them that their body is only a small fraction of what makes them his human. No matter if they were underweight, overweight, anorexic, or not he loves them and he always will.

⭐️ His pride may get in his way sometimes, but when his human is involved he will always find a way to overcome it and care for them as they need.

Asmodeus

🌸 Asmo is more than likely one of the first brothers to notice -- or acknowledge he notices -- just after Mammon and Satan, who notice near immediately.

🌸 However, they seem to at least be eating a bit, and their personality and beauty still shone brightly to all of them, so there really shouldn’t be any reason to worry… right? Right?

🌸 He doesn’t want to bother them if nothing is wrong, because as long as they’re a healthy weight they’re doing fine, so he doesn’t have to worry at all!

🌸 No, the truth of the matter is Asmo is worried, seriously worried about them. Eating too much wasn’t good for the body, but eating too little was even worse in his opinion. The physical effects were so much more damming to them, and it was so scary to watch it happen.

🌸 He notices that they’re a few sizes smaller than they usually would be, their complexion is sickly and pale, and their eye bags and little marks that would normally be unnoticeable seemed to stand out on their skin.

🌸 They weren’t looking good, needless to say, and it made him panic a bit. He didn’t want to see his adorable human rot away from something that could be helped.

🌸 As someone who, in the past, had struggled to find a balanced way to keep up healthy body weight and shape that satisfied his perfectionist mindset, he understood what they were going through better than any of his brothers.

🌸 Which is why he doesn’t let it go further than skipping a few meals before he decided to step in. He doesn’t want them to suffer through this kind of thing any longer than they already have, he just wants them to be happy and feel loved.

🌸 So, of course, he has a spa night. Just the two of them talking and having fun together where no one could bother them, and that’s when he asks them what’s been going on. And he listens intensively to every word they have to say, wanting to understand what they’re going through more than anything.

🌸 After they’re done, Asmo wordlessly brings them into a hug, allowing them to cry or calm down or just think for a moment about what they just admitted before Asmo said anything to them. He just wanted them to know that this feeling was okay and that they shouldn’t be ashamed to feel.

🌸 He spends the rest of the night making them feel loved -- no not like that -- telling them how beautiful they are, how much he loves them, and how much he thinks they deserve from the world.

🌸 After that he wakes them up early so they can devise an eating plan that they think would work well for them because they shouldn’t be starving their body of the essential nutrients that it needs. And they work for a very long time on this plan because they deserve nothing but the best, and Asmo is damn determined to give that to them.

🌸 With him its constant affection and reassurance that they’re doing great, even if they skipped a meal or messed up a bit Asmo is right there to figure out what went wrong and assure them that they can do better next time

🌸 Overall he’s surprisingly gentle and caring with the situation, wanting more than anything to make them know that they’re loved and they can get through this by themselves, if not with a little encouragement from him and his brothers.

Belphegor

🐄 He is absolutely the last of the brothers to notice and the last one to take action, partly because he genuinely didn’t notice a change in behavior and partly because he thinks that someone else will deal with it so he doesn’t have to.

🐄 Of course things don’t go in his favor, none of his brothers know how to deal with this kind of situation, or they all think since they’re his human he should be the one to deal with it… and… yeah fair, but it seemed like a bother.

🐄 Yeah, Belphegor isn’t the most… sensitive to this issue… he’s actually pretty damn rude about it for a long time. He doesn’t get it, “If you need to eat then eat, don’t starve yourself for no reason, you stupid human.”

🐄 He only gets worried when he notices that their physical appearance has changed because if even he is noticing then it’s getting to a point where things need to change and they need to change fast.

🐄 Only problem? Belphie doesn’t really know what to do about it, he’s never really dealt with things like this. He and Beel had never had issues with their appearances or their eating habits -- well Beel was a special case in that regard.

🐄 So, surprise, Belphie takes time away from napping to do some research on this stuff, because while he thinks it’s dumb he does want his stupid little human to take care of themselves, or else he wouldn’t have a stupid little human to love.

🐄 With a bare minimum understanding of the disorder and a genuine want to help, Belphie decided to ask them about what was bothering them so much that they weren’t eating the nice food everyone was making for them.

🐄 Well, to say he was annoyed with their answer would be an understatement, he was angry. How could they think so little of themselves, he wouldn’t be so infatuated with them if he thought so little of them.

🐄 He assures them that their body size shouldn’t matter at all, because that’s not why he likes them in the first place, albeit a bit rudely.

🐄 His approach to it is aggressive but loving and a bit annoyed at the thought of them not taking care of themselves. He just wants them to be happy and healthy that’s all, he just doesn’t know how to express that in normal ways.

🐄 He asks his brothers for help, especially Satan and Beel, since he trusts that they would have a better understanding for such a topic than he ever could.

🐄 Beel helps by setting up a workout and sort of introducing them to foods slowly again, he’s by far more gentle than Belphegor with this kind of stuff and has a much better way of reassuring them.

🐄 As for Satan, he’s just more educated on this and Belphegor goes to him for advice on how to help more. What’s the best types of foods, what kinds of ways can i reassure them? stuff like that.

🐄 Overall the approach is lazy, sloppy, and a bit harsh, but it’s clear that he’s doing his best and just wants them to be happy in the end all.

Thank you. Hope you enjoyed.

[themodernwarlock-blog]

i just wanna know does bad luck follow me and my family, many bad things have happened to us, starting with things like financial problems, inability to sell things, anorexia, terrible depression and anxiety ive read that people can “throw” bad luck on you could you tell me is there is anything i can do to “undo” the bad luck casted on my family and me so we can all just be happier and calm and not think about money problems and all of the things that are truly upsetting and holding us back?

It would be incredibly easy to just blame all bad luck on magick and tell you that all you have to do to fix it is Xyz. But all you've said so far is just bad things have happened to your family; you haven't mentioned angering someone that may, or may not, have been a practitioner in the past. Most practitioners don't go around just cursing families with generational curses (which this would be since it's affecting everyone by the sounds of it).Depression is all too common these days because of how the state of things is. Annorexia, though horrible, can also be a symptom of being depressed while having the "ideal image" of a body shoved down everyone's throats. Many people have financial problems because this trickle down economics bullshit isn't working too well since the top isn't allowing shit to trickle down. At this time, it sounds as if your bad luck is just a symptom of today's world. If you are absolutely adamant that it is a magickal cause, I would suggest working with your ancestors (since it's multi-generational), and do a severing/throw back spell. Use a black candle to symbolize the bad luck. Rub it all over you (and your family if you can, otherwise just state you will take upon the bad luck of the family before you let the candles soak it all up), take a thread and tie it to you and the candle. Cut it. Then burn the candle in front of a mirror facing away from you while chanting "return to sender."