#angsty supercorp

[natalievoncatte]

5. Alone

CONTENT WARNING: This ficlet includes themes of self harm and contains some heavy sexual content and themes.

The void called.

Lena heard its siren song for hours, even before she left the lab. She was sick, belly sick, soul sick. Running on fumes, running on whiskey for breakfast and rage. She’d been awake thirty six hours, fumbling with the Myriad module as she plumbed its secrets. Hiding within the alien metal bauble was what she wanted most, a world without deception, without pain, without crime or loss or hate or fear. No more wars, no more muggings, and no more lies.

Soon she could look Kara in the eyes and scream. Look what I did! Look at my work! I fixed the world, not you! No more crimes to stop, Supergirl. The world doesn’t need you anymore. I don’t need you anymore.

(but could she still say that in a world without lies?)

Lena stumbled into her apartment, head filled with dark thoughts, hateful thoughts, unwanted thoughts. Non Nocere would free her from them. No more pining for soft touches or stolen glances, no more dreams of feeling fingers slipping through silken sunny hair. No more waking up riding her own hand thinking about back muscles flexing or protective hands cupping her thighs.

No more more dreams of sunrise companions. She could rip it all out of herself and at last be alone.

Lena wasn’t going to look at the picture. She wasn’t, she wasn’t! Her hands betrayed her, her addled mind loosened by alcohol and sleep deprivation. She should have flung the fucking thing out the window but every time she tried her hand rebelled and she ended up clutching the shattered glass to her chest and wished she could impale herself on it.

The memory of the picture burned her. Alex had snapped it, an impromptu capture of the girls at game night. Kara’s cheek had been soft against hers and so very warm, just like her. She was soft and hard at the same time, the best hugger in the world.

Lena sobbed, because she was alone and she always would be.

It hit her all at once, crashing in from every direction. When she closed her eyes all she could see was the horror in Kara’s eyes, the terror of realization. That was what Lena wanted, right?

(It was what you wanted, you stupid bitch. Look at what you did.)

Fuck this, fuck it, fuck it all.

Lena stormed through her empty cold sterile apartment and onto the balcony. Grabbing a chair as makeshift stairs, she stepped up and onto the rail. Had to do it now. Had to.

Only to two people has she ever mattered. One slipped beneath the waves and left her and the other, she locked in a cage and robbed. She couldn’t save her mother and she’d backstabbed her best friend. It was in the blood.

Lena stepped into empty air and fell.

Below her, the street yawned wide, empty of traffic at this hour. It rocketed towards her and she had a horrific, bowel-watering realization.

The only thing in her life that could not be fixed was that she just threw herself off a goddamn building.

Lena screamed, shrieked for her life, the name tearing from the depths of her chest in a painful cry.

It didn’t matter.

She fell anyway.

Then she saw it, a red and blue streak in the corner of her vision. Too close, too low.

Goodbye, Kara. I’m sorry.

Kara flew beneath her, catching her not with her arms but her entire body, Lena’s jaw clicking and stomach flipping at the deceleration. Too late, too late.

No.

Kara slowed their descent, too fast, sending a jolt through her. The impact came and as Lena felt the shockwave pass through her body, she knew she was dead. All she wanted to do was tell Kara she was sorry, beg her forgiveness for making her see it.

Slamming to the pavement, Kara landed on her back, cratering the asphalt. It folded up around her like petals of a strange flower and sent up a cloud of dust and debris. Her arms closed around Lena and she cried out in shock and fear.

I’m alive, Lena thought.

Gathering Lena with her, Kara stood up and took off immediately. Lena crushed herself against Kara’s body as she lifted up, cresting above the balcony with a heavy thud of Kara’s boot heels. Kara said nothing, bearing her inside. Only then did Lena’s feet touch the ground.

Kara was feral, blazing, holding a quaking Lena by the shoulders.

“What happened?” she demanded. “Did someone attack you? There’s no one here. What the hell happened? Lena? Lena? Say something! God damn it answer me!”

Lena’s voice was small, broken.

“I jumped.”

Kara’s eyes went wide and her mouth fell open in almost comical surprise.

“Why… no, no no no Lena please no.”

Kara lunged into a hug, almost painfully embracing her. Lena’s walls fell, all the pain and hate shedding from her like skin from a snake. She was alive, alive and alive, and Kara was sobbing, her entire body shaking with grief and pain.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, please Lena I please, I love you I love you I love you!”

They both went utterly still. Lena blinked a few times; the blood rushing to her skull nearly stealing her from consciousness. It was like she’d been thrown into an ice bath.

There could be no mistaking Kara’s meaning. She didn’t mean friendship love, she didn’t mean side-hug brunch time love. There was a truth in her voice as potent and hot as her self-righteous arrogance and shocking, seemingly endless kindness. She meant love in the deepest sense of the word, the most raw, the most unbearable.

That was when Lena kissed her.

Kara hesitated, but something in her must have snapped because she kissed Lena so deeply, so filthily, that it was as if she meant to consume her entirely. Lena was dimly aware that property damage was happening- Kara simply tossed the entire sofa aside with a free hand as she stormed across the apartment.

She didn’t pick Lena up, Lena climbed her, locking her legs around Kara’s waist, shuddering at the feeling of powerful muscles flexing against her thighs.

No words were exchanged, only kisses that bordered on violent. Kara showed no more concern for Lena’s clothes than her decor, shredding through a designer outfit that cost as much as a car.

Only then did she stop, shocking Lena with the sudden withdrawal. Her restraint made her entire body shudder, stopping herself with same force as stopping a runaway freight train.

“Do you want this?” she panted.

Lena lunged up and grabbed the collar of her suit, yanking down. The most powerful being on Earth yielded to her without resistance.

“Yes,” Lena panted.

Kara shed her suit, wriggling out of it in a sensuous display that drove Lena wild. Once she was free and they were both bare, it began.

Kara held nothing back. She used her powers. Super-speed. Vibration. Even her freeze breath. It was as if she knew exactly what Lena wanted and needed, reading her body like an open book, playing her like an instrument, and she was relentless. It was like making love to a hurricane.

Only when Lena pressed a hand to Kara’s chest did it stop. Her entire manner changed in an instant and she became soft, handling Lena like something precious and irreplaceable, attending to her every need until her head landed on the pillow and sleep took her in an irresistible wave.

When her eyes snapped open, she was sure she would be alone. It had to be a fantasy or a vivid dream, but it felt real. She was loose and pleasantly sore at the same time, and felt an odd sense of weight around her.

Tears forced themselves to her eyes. She was damned, doomed to wake up alone forever, and then Kara moved, sighing contentedly. She pulled Lena closer, into her bare breasts and the silken embrace of her unclothed skin beneath the silk sheets. Lena’s heart almost seized.

“Kara?”

“Hi, baby.”

“You’re really here?”

“Yeah.”

“You saved me.”

“I always save you.”

Lena choked back a sob and rolled over into Kara’s arms, tucked into her, and buried her face in Kara’s neck as she swept her fingers up and down Lena’s back in a soothing gesture.

“Kara, I’m sorry,” she began.

“Shhhhh,” said Kara. “I forgive you.”

“But you can’t just do that.”

“I can, and I will. Can you forgive me?”

“Yes,” Lena whispered.

“Good,” said Kara. “Now I just hope Alex forgives me for plowing a fifteen foot wide crater in the street outside.”

Lena laughed through her tears, and she wasn’t alone.

[simauita]

Oblivious Kara and fully self-aware Lena is my favourite duo. And it works for so many tropes, too!

Fake dating? Sure, but Lena knows from the very beginning that this is gonna end badly for her but cannot say no to Kara, while Kara sees absolutely no problem with them holding hands & kissing because they are such good friends until one day she's like oh-oh I'm not ready for this to end.

Matchmaking au? Sure, but Lena as the matchmaker would feel her heart break but would push through because in the end all she really wants is for Kara to be happy, while Kara as the matchmaker would go all in trying to find a soulmate for her bestest friend in the world until she realizes how much she hates seeing Lena go on dates with other people.

S5 retelling? Sure, but Lena is fully aware of the real reason why she killed her brother and that's why Kara's betrayal broke her on the most fundamengal level, while Kara only knows she longs for her best friend to come back to her and doesn't understand why it hurts so much until suddenly she does.

Oblivious Kara and self-aware Lena my beloved.

[thatonebirdwrites]

Cheating Death Part 2

Part 1 here.

Only seconds after Lena vanished in the portal, the Kryptonite cage melted into the floor. A yellow light pulsed so brightly, Kara had to close her eyes. Light infused her cells and pushed the pain of the Kryptonite away.

Lena's words echoed in Kara's head. How she'd stomped and shouted, the tears on her face, the desperation in her voice. How heartbroken she'd been when she'd said, "No, no you don't get to tell me who I am anymore."

She didn't know what to do. Lena had been hurting and grieving this entire time, and what had she and her friends done? Celebrated her brother's death, ignored Lena's increasingly isolating behaviors, and pretended everything was fine.

It wasn't fine.

Yet, the yellow light. Why had that activated? Was it Lena or the Fortress?

Kara ran through the Fortress to the control panel. She dug into the log and swiftly found Lena's code. It had been programmed to create the cage if Kara asked about Myriad, but then the yellow light was also programmed to heal Kara after Lena escaped. A note was annotated on that section of the code, and Kara's breath caught in her throat.

"I wish I could stop loving you. This hurts worse than death."

Tears dampened her cheeks and she wiped them away. What would she tell Alex? How can she explain any of this?

She didn't want her friends to turn on Lena, and Alex definitely would go after Lena if she knew about the cage. It'd been temporary, and Lena had programed a healing sun-bed equivalent burst for after. That alone gave her hope that she could still reach Lena.

Because even in her heartbreak, Lena did not want Kara dead.

She grabbed the weapon she needed, the same one Lena had used to stop Leviathan from killing Kara, and re-calibrated security. Her tears froze on her cheeks by the time she finished.

Kara flew out of the Fortress and high into the stratosphere. She listened for Lena's heartbeat, but heard nothing at first. Fear clenched her heart. Either Lena hid behind lead, or something terrible had gone wrong since she'd left. She hoped it was the former.

With a heavy heart, she flew to the DEO. Alex waited on a balcony.

"Kara?" Alex said, alarmed. "What the hell happened? Where's Lena?"

Kara held out the weapon. "It works as hoped. Sustained blast will keep Rama Khan down, and then attach the power dampeners."

Alex took the weapon with a frown. "Kara, what happened to Lena? Where is she?"

Kara shook her head. She couldn't voice it. She refused to believe Lena was lost to them. There had to be a way to save her, to bring her back, to repair what Kara had fucked up.

She pressed her hands against her face and flinched when Alex tried to touch her shoulder. "I got to find her," she whispered. "I got to make things right. I got to."

"Kara, I can't help if you don't tell me." Alex's voice held kindness, but Kara knew how quickly Alex could turn to anger. When it came to Kara's safety, Alex might cross a line she'd regret. Kara had done it for Alex a few times.

But with Lena? Kara had no boundaries. Lena held her heart in a way no one else did. She'd talked herself into settling for Mon-el, but it'd never been who she needed.

She needed Lena.

"Kara?" Alex tried again. "Kara, talk to me."

"She's the one who shot Lex." The words felt unreal.

Alex's brow wrinkled. "I thought he died when he fell."

Kara shook her head. "We never found a body or even parts from his suit, remember? If he had a portal watch, he could have gone anywhere."

Alex sucked in a breath. "And Lena was waiting for him?"

Kara nodded. "She shot him to protect us. She's been grieving and hurting all this time, and what have we done? Ignored her grief! Where were we for her pain?" She paced the balcony as fury at herself and everyone around her built up in her sternum. "I hurt her! I hurt her with my lies, and I have to fix this."

"Kara," Alex hefted the weapon. "Maybe let Lena have her space. We still have to deal with--"

"Alex, you didn't hear her!" Her pacing quickened and a groove appeared in the concrete from her superspeed.

Kara should tell Alex, and yet she couldn't. She needed to save Lena from Myriad herself, but to do that, she needed to find Lena. And she still couldn't hear her heartbeat.

She let out a shout of rage, her fist colliding with the wall and shattering the concrete. "I hurt the person I love! I have to fix this. I have to bring her back."

Her rage petered into sobs, and she fell to her knees.

Her, the strongest and fastest on the planet, brought to her knees by a Luthor.

She thinks of all the times she could have told Lena, and how she'd chickened out, afraid of losing her. Afraid of living a life without Lena's presence. Now a Lena-shaped hole had been carved in her chest, and she hurt.

It felt like Kryptonite all over again.

Was this how Lena had felt the past few months? This agony?

And yet, Lena had still helped. She'd still saved Kara's life. Still built devices that helped others. Why Myriad? Why use that monstrous device? Kara couldn't make sense of it. The months of pretending to be Kara's friend.

She should be angry at Lena. Furious at the betrayal, but she felt only grief. She'd started this with her lies, with leaving Lena in the dark. Lena could have helped so much more if she'd been in on it from the start. Then this never would have happened.

Kara sat there, silent, head-bowed long enough for Alex to leave and return with a cup of herbal tea. Rooibos since most other teas were too intense thanks to Kara's supertaste. Her fingers curled around the warm cup.

"I tasked Brainy and J'onn with the weapons. We'll deal with Leviathan." Alex smiled and squeezed Kara's shoulder. "You do what you need to do, Kara. I'm with you, okay?"

Kara nodded numbly. She sipped the tea and slowly became aware of a high-pitched beeping. "Wait, that's the signal watch," she murmured. She put down the cup and listened. It came from downtown. "Lena," she whispered.

Before Alex could respond, Kara blasted into the sky and broke the sound barrier. The crack whipped across the city and shook windows. She landed on Lena's balcony at L-Corp, ripped open the door, and dashed into a dark room. The beeping came from the stairwell.

Horror twisted her gut. She supersped down the stairs, all forty-three flights, until she reached the stairs just below ground level near the door to security.

She threw open the door and the thick scent of iron assaulted her nose.

Eve lay in a pool of blood, no heartbeat. Someone dressed in black lay crumbled near Eve, again no heartbeat. Blood coated the stairs from where Lena must have crawled.

Lena, her Lena, lay motionless, one hand on the top step. For a horrifyingly long second, Kara couldn't hear a heartbeat. She dropped next to Lena and pressed her fingers against Lena's pulse point.

No, there it was.

A faint badum-badum, the most precious sound in the universe.

She could do nothing for the others, but she still had a chance to save Lena. A scan of her body revealed the bullet in her side, how it pierced a lung.

Kara gathered Lena into her arms, and ran through the security sector, hitting each door with her shoulder to wrench it open, until she finally made her way outside.

Lena's blood soaked into her suit, her head rolling in Kara's arms. She held her close and flew as fast as she dared toward the DEO. "Lena, please," she whispered, "please hold on. Don't you dare die on me. Not now. Not like this."

When her feet touched down, she heard Alex's voice shouting about a Rama Khan sighting. Agents poured into vehicles, and the team prepared to leave.

Kara ignored them. She walked through the bustle, and people parted for her.

Alex turned from where she studied Brainy's screens. Her eyes widened. "What the hell...?"

"Please. Help her." Tears clouded her vision.

"Medical now. Brainy J'onn's in charge." Alex grasped Kara's arm and maneuvered her through the mess of the control center. Technicians worked on last minute fine-tuning of weapons, and others manned screens plotting possible vectors. Activity that meant nothing to Kara, not if Lena died.

Not if she couldn't speak her last truth to Lena.

She laid Lena on the medical bed, and Alex ordered her nurses to get an IV in immediately. Kara began to pace, the blood drying on her suit. Alex cut away Lena's shirt and examined the wound.

"She needs surgery now."

"What do I do?" she asked Alex, anguished. "What do I do?"

Alex shook her head. "You can't help with this. Go help J'onn, and wear Lena's anti-kryptonite suit. I'm not sure how long I'll be in surgery."

"Can you save her?"

"I will try my best," Alex said. She refused to look at Kara, and that told her far too much.

Alex didn't think Lena would make it.

"Promise?" the words came out small, plaintive.

"Promise. Now get out of my way." Alex hooked the IV bag to the pole on one end of the bed, and rolled it toward an interior suite. Two nurses followed along with a second doctor.

Kara closed her eyes and listened to the most beautiful heartbeat in the universe -- it faintly hung on, slower and slower with each passing minute.

She couldn't stay and watch the medical team open up Lena. She couldn't.

Instead, she grabbed the anti-kryptonite suit. As it flowed over her, she almost wept again. It felt like Lena hugged her, the suit entirely her design and her nanites.

She flew outside and listened for J'onn. The fight was to the southeast by the docks.

Hadn't Leviathan been targeting Lena? She'd saved her once from them already. Maybe twice if she counted the break-in that had knocked Lena unconscious.

Now Lena was dying, and Kara didn't just want justice for Lena.

She wanted to tear apart whoever ordered that assassin.

The windows shook at the sonic boom, and the ground cratered when she landed.

Rama Khan and another Leviathan member battled J'onn and Dreamer, who had the weapon from the Fortress. Agents, with adjusted weaponry to match the power-disrupting frequency, scattered around the docks.

Kara didn't care about the risk. She didn't care about the Kryptonite weapons the assholes carried.

She crashed into Rama Khan and threw him into a dock building. The wall crumpled. "Did you hire Lena Luthor's killer?" she growled.

Rama Khan laughed and stood with hardly a mark on him and his ridiculous earth-toned suit. "Those who cross Leviathan do not live to tell the tale. Let you now join her, Supergirl." He extended his hand and the ground shook violently.

A blast from Dreamer's gun sent Rama Khan sprawling. Kara sped over and grabbed him by the throat. Her feet she stomped on his arms. "No one hurts Lena and survives," she growled. Her eyes glowed, and she let out a scream of grief and fury.

She blasted him and punched him again and again. Blood gushed from his face, but then he melted into the earth and stumbled into being a few feet away.

Only for Dreamer to blast him again. Kara pummeled him with the rage of a thousand suns. Her vision red, and the land ripped and shredded in their fight. Part of the pier demolished when Kara threw Rama Khan's accomplice into it. Another building fell when Rama blasted Kara into its walls.

Rama Khan slowed, each blast from the gun scrambled his powers long enough for Kara to rip into him until he bled from multiple places. She lost track of the others, so intent on eliminating the one who ordered Lena's hit.

"Kara!" J'onn clamped the power dampeners on the alien. "Kara, we got him."

Kara clenched Rama's neck and looked down to see the cuffs clasped to his wrists.

How much loss could a heart handle? Why did the universe seek to torture her so? Her entire planet, nearly all her friends, and now the woman she loves most -- loss melted through her crevices, filled her with a blinding fury.

She'd fought to keep everyone alive. It's why she needed to be in control, but that obsession of controlling everything, to make sure she never lost, had poisoned her. She couldn't control everything.

She couldn't even save Lena. The thought of Lena dying in surgery, of never hearing her voice again -- even Lena shouting in anger?

Her fingers crunched bone. Rama Khan tumbled from her grasp and hit the ground with a thump, motionless.

Dreamer and J'onn looked at her, but she didn't respond to their words or looks. Agents swarmed around them to secure the site, while Brainy set up the containment unit for Rama Khan and his accomplices. The ruckus roared like the sea in her ears.

She turned without a word and shot into the sky. She flew as high as she could, to where little to no oxygen existed. The fury burned in her, and she wanted to rip herself apart. She deactivated her helmet, turned off its life support systems, and let the lack of air suffocate her and her emotions.

She'd live. She'd always live, wouldn't she? While all she loved died.

She closed her eyes and let herself fall. Air whooshed around her body, screamed in her ears as she hit terminal velocity. For those brief moments, she heard nothing but the shrill wind, the rest of the Earth drowned out in her fall. A moment of release from the endless soundscape.

Halfway to the ground, she righted herself and flew to the edge of Earth's atmosphere. Again she let herself fall. For a third time, she soared high and fell.

Each time she let herself get closer and closer to hitting the ocean. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't outpace her fury at her own actions. At her failure.

This time she hit the water. She sunk into its depths.

Sea life swam around her, the distant calls of whales rippled through the water. What should delight her brought her sorrow.

No, she couldn't die. Her wretched powers, her curse, kept her alive. Kept her isolated from those she loved. Her careful, practiced control meant even in moments of extreme emotion, she still had to make sure not to hug too tightly. And kissing? How many noses had she broken?

All she wanted was Lena. Even if she could never be with Lena, she needed Lena to be alive. To be healthy and happy. Kara could live with just being on the sidelines, right? As long as Lena was alive.

She burst out of the ocean in a shower of sea water. She hung in the air and watched the waves below her. Her ears tuned to her favorite heartbeat, and there it was, faint, far too faint, but still pulsing.

A slither of hope wove into Kara's wretched spirit. She flew back to the DEO, the wind drying the moisture from the sea.

When she landed, Nia met her at the balcony's doors. "Kara," she breathed out as if she'd been running. "Been looking everywhere."

Kara crossed her arms over her chest. "What do you want?"

"It's Lena. Alex said to let you know the surgery is ongoing and Lena's handling it like a pro." Nia met her gaze, but worry painted across her face. "Don't lose hope yet. She may still live."

Kara said nothing. She heard the rebuke in Nia's words, but she didn't regret her actions. For Lena, there was no boundaries. She'd destroy a thousand Rama Khans if it meant saving Lena.

She followed Nia down the hall, through two intersections, and into the medical bay. Most of the beds were occupied by injured agents from the Leviathan battle. It was the surgery room that occupied all of Kara's attention.

Lena's heart beat still in those glass walls.

Kara walked up to them and pressed a hand against the cool glass. Lena looked so pale. So fragile.

The tears returned. Her chest constricted with a Lena-shaped hole that ached with each beat of her heart.

She didn't move from that spot for the rest of the surgery. Kara held vigil in silence, unmoving. She'd given Lena revenge on those who tried to kill her, and now Kara waited.

Waited for hope to dawn once more.

/end part 2

[inkedroplets]

Day 15 Childhood Trauma

Read on AO3

Home was the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in—at least according to Robert Frost it was—and maybe that was why it was the place Lena's feet had carried her. Standing in front of the manor with no earthly idea how she had gotten there, she felt like a child again, standing in front of something too big and too cold to hold anything good inside. 

She knocked twice. She was still trying to piece together how she had arrived here when her mother threw open the door. Lillian peered at her, a look of genuine surprise on her face that made her momentarily look years younger. Her mouth curved into that all-too-familiar curl of a smirk which slowly retreated as she got a better look at Lena. 

“What’s happened?” she asked cautiously. If she didn’t know her so well, she might have mistaken it for concern. It tinged her voice and robbed it of any of the sarcasm that she had been so naturally gifted with.

“I killed Lex.” She said it as if it was a fact she had been forced to repeat to the point of disinterest and she supposed that she had. It was the solitary thought that she had held onto even in her fugue. A voice whispered it over and over in the back of her mind still, part mantra, part madness.

 I killed Lex. I killed Lex. I killed Lex. 

She expected disbelief or outright rejection from her mother. The very nature of their family's dynamic made such a declaration difficult to take seriously. How many times had she threatened Lex’s life in the past? But it took her mother only a moment’s contemplation before she nodded grimly. 

“Where?” she asked

There was a bitter chill in the cabin that wasn’t there before. Lena’s breath fogged out in front of her the instant that she and her mother had stepped out of the portal. The door to the cabin was wide open and for one irrational moment, she believed that Lex had survived somehow and stumbled out of the cabin and into the snow. Somehow he would inevitably turn up again like a bad penny. 

She could almost picture the scene in her head. One that her imagination was more than eager to furnish with plausible details and other dribs and drabs that gave the whole thing a hint of verisimilitude. She built the scene in her head delicately like a house of cards until part of her really started to believe or maybe hope that it was true.

And then she saw Lex's body lying on the floor and the house of cards came crashing down. Running red blossoms flowered on his chest and beneath him a pool of blood that looked black in the semi-darkness. 

Dead.

Killed, a voice in her head whispered back at her in a hectoring rasp. She had opened the door, had fled out into the snow and the wind in a fugue before she had used her watch to create a portal. She knew this had to be true but had no memory of it. The last thing she remembered was Lex’s triumphant capering grin as he relished the pain he had been able to inflict on her. Reveling in the fact that if he had to die, he could at least bring her world crashing down before he did.

“Lex…” 

Lillian spoke so softly that Lena could hardly believe that it was her speaking. Her mother stepped past her and knelt beside Lex’s body. She lay a hand on his chest, maybe hoping (however irrationally considering his current state) that he might still be breathing, to feel a shiver in his breast. 

Lena half-expected her to whip around to point an accusatory finger before screaming at her. Not like she didn't deserve it. She had killed her brother, after all. But when her mother finally turned around she did so slowly, speaking in a voice barely louder than a whisper. 

“It had to be done,” she said, sounding almost like her old self. Shrewd and coldly calculating in her assessment but even in the low light, Lena could see the pained expression on her face, how in the dark her eyes shone with unfallen tears. 

You don’t truly believe that Lena thought. No matter how good of a liar her mother was, she knew that was one truth she could never truly hide from her. If she so wanted she would see the truth in her mother's eyes. Which was why she was too afraid to look, to confirm what she knew had to be true. “—Far away from here. No one can ever suspect. Someone besides me needs to see you, tonight, Lena.” It was hearing her name that roused her from her stupor, so close to slipping back into that blankness she had unknowingly tumbled into after shooting Lex, her mind wanting to flee back into that nothingness that was so much like the snowstorm raging outside,

An alibi? Yes, she thought, she would need one of those. It was the kind of thing you wanted after committing murder. Best to err on the side of caution, to leave nothing to chance. Both were lessons she had learned and learned well in her family. Wasn't that exactly why she had come to the cabin in the first place? To be completely sure? To trust only herself to do what had to be done? 

“Are you listening, Lena?” 

“Yes,” she said, feeling like a child again, discipline and proper etiquette so ingrained in her that answering was second nature. “I have it covered.” It's game night, she thought and felt the inexplicable urge to laugh. Plenty of witnesses there. People I thought were my friends.

“Good,” Lillian breathed. She cast a dispassionate look around the room of what was once their cabin and Lena wondered if she had even realized where they were. Not that the would have any reason to. There was no evidence of what it had once been. Lex had repurposed it as a safehouse and showed no sentimentality in its renovation. Nothing remained of what it once was. Not so much unlike the Lex she had grown up with.

I didn't want to do it, Lena thought. But I had to. If I didn’t, he would have hurt a lot of people. She knew it to be true, that fact was immutable. Even in her grief and uncertainty, she had never once wavered in that belief. But noble or not, necessary or not, sorry or not, there was also no changing the fact that she had killed her brother. I did a good thing, right, Mother? Please tell me, I did a good thing, she thought. She thought it hard as if it was something that she could pass along to her without words. Feeling as if she deserved whatever answer she gave. Too afraid to ask her outright, fearing she already knew the answer. 

It should have alarmed Lena to know how little her life had changed since she had killed Lex. She had believed the act (or even the mere decision to act) would fracture her life into two unconnected pieces: the part of her life where Lex was alive and the part where he wasn't.  It seemed plausible enough that killing him would create some indelible rift for her to deal with. But when was life ever so tidy? 

Her life had been marked by loss and pain. Enough to know that though it might leave deep scars, nothing was separating oneself from the bits and pieces that made up the person you were, life simply went on for better or worse. Killing Lex was just another broken piece of her that made up her whole self. 

She still hadn't confronted Kara or any of the others about the fact that they had been lying to her from the very beginning. Still going through the motions of what she had so stupidly believed was genuine friendship. Attending game nights and lunch dates with Kara. 

Some days it felt easier to keep pretending if only because she was too tired to deal with the inevitable fallout. The empty apologies and the crocodile tears. Other days she wanted nothing more than to put an end to it. To set her face as if prepared for bitter medicine and weather the excuses and the apologies and finally put it behind her. Not just put it all behind her but to set a flame to it. Some days she wanted to watch it burn. 

Tonight though all she wanted was a cigarette. A telltale sign that she was overstressed. She had never considered herself a smoker but she had once upon a time carried around a pack and smoked one or two before tossing it and promising herself that it would be the last. 

If that could be considered a habit, she had kicked it years ago but she still found herself buying a pack from time to time when she was on a business trip. More often than not she didn't so much as peel away the cellophane. The pack would usually languish away in a drawer until she tossed them when she happened across them again. On occasion, however, the compulsion would strike and she would remember why she never threw away the small silver lighter stashed in one of her desk drawers. 

She could almost hear her mother's voice echoing in her head as she pocketed the lighter. 

It's such a nasty habit, Lena. Honestly…

“I know,” she murmured as she rummaged around in another drawer. She found what she was looking for and tweezed the slightly squashed pack out with her fingers. They’ll be stale, she thought as she picked away at the cellophane wrapper. She couldn’t recall exactly when she had bought them, only that she had been in Japan on business and had bought them on a whim. 

She stepped out onto the balcony, the unexpected chill of the night air made gooseflesh race down her arms. The view of the city interested her about as much as a good meal would have after she had already eaten. Another day, another time she would find it appealing but not now. 

Lena tapped the bottom of the pack against the railing before examining it. She smoked so rarely that she thought it impossible for her to have a brand but she realized (with a faint pang of what might have been regret) that she only ever smoked Seven Stars. 

In one fluid motion, she took one from the pack and lit it before she clicked the lighter closed, and stowed it away in her pocket. The first drag made her a little lightheaded. The second she held in her chest before exhaling slowly, smoke tumbling out of her mouth in a hazy cloud.

“Those really aren’t good for you.”

As far as unwanted visitors went, Lena believed that she only had to worry about Supergirl making an untimely appearance. She never expected to look up and see her cousin floating down to meet her. 

“Is Metropolis so safe that you can fly all the way here to give an in-person anti-smoking PSA?” 

“Sorry.” He ducked his head when he landed on her balcony with a hangdog expression on his face. Lena thought it an appropriate show of contrition considering he had both come uninvited and bearing unwanted advice. “It’s not my place.” “When has that ever stopped people?” she observed. She thought about butting the cigarette if only to be polite but decided against it, hoping he wouldn’t stick around long enough for it to matter. “I’m assuming you need my help with something?” “No, nothing like that.” He shook his head, still looking sheepish. Like a dog that had been caught digging up the garden. “I should have come sooner,” he said gravely. He stood up straighter and looked every bit the hero that so many looked up to. “I wanted to tell you how sorry I was to hear about Lex.” 

Lena dropped her gaze, pretending to brush away nonexistent ash from her slacks. “That makes you the first and most likely the last,” she said flatly. “Strangely enough, trying to take over the world several times didn't endear him to the public at large.”

“I don't doubt that,” he said fairly. "But that doesn't make me any less sorry to know that he's gone. If anything it makes me sadder knowing the man he could have been.” 

“He made his choices,” Lena said and jetted out a plume of smoke from the corner of her mouth. And I made mine… 

“I'm still sorry. For whatever he became, whatever he was, he used to be my friend and he was your brother.” 

 “He was,” Lena agreed.

And I still killed him…

“Lena…” “He wasn’t always a monster,” she said, speaking in a voice that wasn’t even a whisper, not caring if he heard or not. “I know he wasn’t. He was my best friend once. I’m sorry I couldn’t do more for him.” She butted her cigarette, nearly smoked down to the filter on the rail of the balcony, and reached for another one, ducking her head against the wind. She fumbled for her lighter and had to chase the flame, her hands were shaking that badly. 

“I’m sure if Supergirl had any other choice…” He shook his head as if he wasn’t sure how or maybe if he even should finish his thought. “You didn't come here on her behalf, did you?” Lena found something deeply amusing about the possibility that Kara had sent an envoy of sorts because she had been too afraid to deliver the message herself. How many masks do you need? she wondered. He shook his head. No.” “Well, then,” Lena said and took a step back from the balcony. “Thank you for the condolences,” she said. “But I really would like to be alone.” She looked at him and waved a wisp of smoke away. “What is it with you Kryptonians thinking being able to fly gives you carte blanche to land anywhere you wish?” “I’ll make an appointment next time,” he promised. He rose into the air, illuminated by the rind of moon in the sky.

“Lex had to be stopped,” Lena said almost conversationally, part of her hoping that he had already made enough distance that he might not have heard her. 

“He did,” he agreed and with him hovering overhead it was easier to imagine she was simply having a conversation with herself. “She didn’t have a choice,” Lena said, repeating what she had tried to tell herself so many times over. “She did a good thing, right? Killing him.” The silence that she got in return stretched on for so long that she believed that he had simply flown away, either unable or unwilling to answer her which she thought was an answer unto itself. “I’m sorry,” he repeated. His voice was so full of pain and understanding as it grew fainter, becoming one with the night air, and she hated him for it.

It was only after spending so many long evenings shut away in her penthouse that Lena realized how many excuses she made to be anywhere else. In spite of living several years in National City, it still didn't feel like home. Now, knowing what she did, she was certain that it never would. 

Leaving was always an option. A choice that seemed to only grow more appealing with each passing day. There was no reason to stay and every reason to put the city behind her. Start over. She had done it before. And each time was like the first time. Because sometimes there was no lesson to be learned or bracing yourself for what you knew was coming.  Sometimes you just picked up the shattered bits of your life and got on because what else could you do? 

Tomorrow, I’ll deal with all of that tomorrow, Lena told herself and knew that it probably wouldn’t be tomorrow but it would be soon. Because who wants to make plans to uproot what they thought was their life with a hangover? 

She had been drunk an hour ago and was now fast approaching a level of intoxication that she would sorely regret in the morning and for a good chunk of the day. The one upside (the only upside) was that drinking this much meant no nightmares. No nightmare. Because lately she only ever had the one. Lex lying in a pool of blood. Standing over him with a gun in her hands, feeling the weight of it as it pulled her down into darkness. And sometimes when she was able to look away, when she inevitably looked back (because the pull was too irresistible not to) Lex would look as he did when they were children. When he had promised to take her away from everything. 

Her gaze fell upon her empty glass for a moment before she reached for the bottle of scotch, intent on remedying that. She splashed a generous amount into it and was ready to raise it to her lips when there was a featherlight knock at her door. So light that she could have easily brushed it off as a trick of sound. “Lena… It’s me. It’s Kara. Are you home?” 

You know I am, Lena thought. Her hand closed over her glass and the urge to throw it at the door as way of an answer came and went. 

She considered remaining silent, sure that Kara would slink away eventually. But what good would that do? If Kara was adamant on speaking with her, and Lena guessed that she was, she could always just whip off her glasses and go tap on her window. 

The thought made her sick and she pushed her glass away, not caring that most of its contents sloshed out over the side. “I'm here,” she said, not bothering to raise her voice all that much, knowing Kara would hear her either way. She took her time walking to the door, aware that Kara was probably watching her. 

She thumbed the lock open and opened the door just enough to peer through it. “What are you doing here?”

“Oh!” Kara said, sounding surprised  as if the possibility that Lena might ask her such a question had never crossed her mind. “I had an interview fall through for my article and decided to take the rest of the day off rather than type angry.” She smiled at her little joke. “And when I called your office, Jess said you didn’t come in today. Thought it might be worth dropping by your place.” 

“I caught a bug.” She told this lie easily and dispassionately, not caring in the slightest if Kara knew she was lying or not. “I’d rather not pass it along to you and truth be told I’m not much in the mood for company.” She tensed her mouth in what might generously be considered a humorless smile. “Maybe we can talk tomorrow?”

“If you’re feeling better…” Kara said cautiously and from the way she was looking past her, Lena was certain she was looking at the chair Lena had just vacated and the bottle of scotch standing at attention nearby. “Do you want anything? Medicine? Soup? Or do you not have an appetite?” Lena shook her head. “It’s just a bug, Kara. I’ll be fine. Really.” She tried her luck at another smile and managed a more convincing one before she made to shut the door. “Lena…” Kara said before she was able to shut the door completely. “Yeah?” Lena said, speaking through the tiny crack, not bothering to open it again. “If you need anything, you can call me, you know? Day or night.” “Yes,” Lena said and found it easier to speak now that she didn’t need to look at Kara while she did it. “I’m aware of how friendships are supposed to work, Kara. Thank you though.” “I know you do, I just wanted to make sure you knew. Lately… Things have been so hectic. And Lex… I’m so sorry about everything, Lena.” “You don’t have anything to be sorry for, Kara. You didn’t kill Lex.” She paused. “Supergirl did. And if she didn’t, Lex would be plotting and scheming in whatever cell they threw him in. And he would end up hurting more people. It’s a good thing she did it,” Lena said numbly before she shut the door and turned the lock, not realizing that she was crying. 

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Blue and Fire Engine Red #3

TW: reference/depiction of school shooting (no onscreen deaths)

---

Kara’s choice of bar proves to be the perfect opposite of the bright and open firehouse. Its dim ambience feels cozy, and the low light helps ground her, letting her release some of the bravado that fueled the sexually charged tit for tat she’s been firing towards Lena. She hopes tonight will be something more than that. 

Of course, that doesn’t keep Kara’s insides from positively melting when Lena walks in the door. She looks positively pedestrian out of uniform, in a loose muscle tank layered over a snug tank top, and her jeans even snugger. But her gaze glints when it finds Kara in the small two person booth towards the back. Kara’s chosen a relatively isolated corner– not to hide, but rather from a desire to not share the woman who slides in across from her.

“Glad you found the place okay,” Kara greets, grinning. 

“Yeah, you kind of forgot to mention that it was literally underground.” Lena wrinkles her nose when Kara’s grin widens puckishly. “Fink.”

Kara laughs. “Let’s just say it makes for a good conversation starter.”

An arch brow answers her. “So you bring girls here a lot then.”

“Uhhmm…”

Pink lips soon soften into a teasing grin. “Relax. I’m joking.”

Releasing a sigh, Kara lets her shoulders relax. Before she can say anything, a waiter appears to take their drink orders. 

“The first of a few, I hope,” the girl says brightly. She turns towards Lena first. “Your usual, Lena?”

Green eyes twinkle at Kara in the low light, clearly enjoying the way Kara’s mouth falls open. She’s been had.

“That would be lovely,” Lena returns. 

The server nods, then turns to Kara. “And what can I get you?” 

Kara tries not to frown. “Rum and coke,” she grumbles dejectedly. “And onion rings.”

“Excellent choice! Your drinks will be out momentarily, but the rings will take a few minutes. Is that okay?”

Lena nods, giving the girl a winning smile. “That’s totally fine, Jess,” she purrs. “We’ll be here for a while.”

Jess moves away to another table, leaving them to themselves. Kara glares at Lena, who shrugs with an abashed grin.

“I served with Jess’ brother.”

Ears pricking with interest, Kara leans forward. “Bartender?”

Lena blinks, then lifts an eyebrow. “Army.”

Kara’s eyes widen in surprise. “Oh! Wow, I didn’t even think… sorry. Medic?”

Lena nods with a hum.

“So if I talk to Jess’ brother, he’ll tell me about some daring rescue where you saved his life?”

Lena holds Kara’s light gaze for a long beat before looking down at her hands, folded on the table in front of her. “Not exactly.”

“Oh.” Kara’s stomach falls out from under her as she realizes the implication. Her cheeks start to burn. “Oh.”

There’s a long moment between them, and KAra is desperate to fill the silence.

“Thank you for your service—”

“Don’t,” Lena cuts in sharply. She takes a breath, only for it to huff out of her an instant later. “Can we talk about something else?”

Kara quickly nods. “Yeah, of course. I’m sorry–”

Jess returns then, delivering their drinks. Lena’s quiet murmur of “thanks” confirms how uncomfortable she is, and Kara kicks herself again and again for having wrecked the mood. The date has ground to a halt, she knows, and it’s her fault. Even so, she clings to hope when Lena tries to salvage the conversation.

“What about you?” Have you always wanted to be a cop?”

“Hah, well…” Kara gives a nervous smile. The short answer is no, not always. Long answer is… kinda dark, honestly.” 

To Kara’s surprise, Lena gives a dark chuckle. “Well aren’t we the pair,” she drawls. 

Kara feels some warmth creep back into her extremities. “I don’t mind talking about it though, if you don’t mind hearing it. If you’d rather not–”

“Whatever you’re comfortable with sharing is fine with me. It must be important if it led to you becoming a hero of law and order, so– I’d love to hear it. But no pressure.”

With a nod, Kara considers where to start. “Have you ever heard of Midvale High?” When Lena shakes her head, she continues. “Ten years ago there was a school shooting. Twenty-three students died. I was one of the survivors.”

Lena watches her solemnly, and though she seems content to simply listen, Kara lifts her hand to stave off any condolences or sympathy that might be heading her way. 

“It’s okay,” she promises. “I got all the therapy, and I got to a place I can comfortably talk about it. And you know, it was the usual story: kids are awful to one kid, kid gets depressed, then angry enough to do something about it. For us, that kid was Kenny Lee, and he was my best friend.”

That’s the most shocking part, for most people. Like she said, school shootings are tragically common, but rarely does anyone realize that the shooters might actually have a friend or two.

“Kenny was a good kid– quiet, smart… he just had the wrong combination of interests, or maybe he just had the wrong face. I don’t know. The others were just… cruel. And no one did anything about it. Until one day Kenny did.”

“Did he hurt you?” Lena asks quietly. 

Kara shakes her head. “No. No, he… he started in the cafeteria. I usually eat with Kenny, but he missed the first half of the day, so I ate in the bathroom that day.” She wasn’t well-liked either, so eating alone in the cafeteria always gave her enough anxiety to avoid the place.

“But I heard it. The gunfire… all that cement and linoleum… it echoes, you know? I bunkered down in the bathroom as best I could. When the shooting paused, I heard the police sirens. I thought… I didn’t know if they’d find me where I was, so when I thought it was safe, I crept into the hallway.”

Her heart had stopped when she’d recognized the back of Kenny’s head at the end of the hall. She’d gasped, and he’d whirled, lifting the weapon in his hands. When locked eyes, the rage in Kenny’s gaze had shocked her, but a moment later it gave way to apathy.

“Kara….”

“NCPD, put the gun down!”

The sound of a new voice startled them both. The rifle Kenny held jerked, and Kara’s whole body flinched. But Kenny didn’t put the gun down. 

“Y-you’re going to have to kill me,” he stuttered. Kara stared at him. He looked like her friend, but there were bloody footprints behind him, and his pants were spattered with blood and… brain matter, Kara realized in horror. Her best friend had stood over someone and shot them in the head.

Trembling, Kara’s gaze bounced between Kenny and the officer who had spoken. The officer was small, barely taller than Kara, but exuded calm authority even as Kenny hefted the gun higher against his shoulder. It was too heavy, Kara realized. He wasn’t used to the weight.

“We don’t want to do that,” the officer said. Her tone was cool and clear, traveling easily down the corridor. “My name’s Officer Grant. What’s yours?”

“K-Kenny,” he stammered. Sweat beaded and slid down his forehead. 

Officer Grant nodded. There was a shuffle of footsteps as more officers moved into a formation behind her. Kenny’s finger curled around the trigger, but Officer Grant lifted her hand to both put him at ease and to tell her people to hold off.

“I’m sure you have reasons for what’s happened today,” she said. “And I’m sure they feel like good ones. But no one else needs to get hurt today.”

“Yes they do!” Kenny snapped back into his rage, his features warping back into an unfamiliar mask. “He– he wasn’t there! I have to– he deserves–” His gaze locked on Kara, imploring her to understand. “He wasn’t there, Kara!”

Kara’s heart stopped. She knew exactly who he meant. Jake. The worst of them all. Kenny wanted– he was hunting. But there’d been so much gunfire already– how many people did Kenny hurt instead? Her vision wobbled, and for the first time she realized she was crying. 

“Everything feels so big right now,” Officer Grant continued. “I have a son, and his emotions get so big, he just doesn’t know what to do with it. This may have felt like the only way, Kenny, but it’s not.”

“B-but… I…” Kenny sounded small again.

“You still have decisions to make, Kenny. You’re making one now– you haven’t hurt Kara.”

Kenny looked at her, tears of his own streaming down his face. “She– she’s my–” He shook his head. “She doesn’t deserve to die.”

“There are a lot of other people who don’t deserve it either. A lot of families who don’t deserve to have dinner without their kids. Your parents don’t deserve to lose their son.”

His resolve wavers. He hitches the gun again, but from exhaustion rather than ire. “I don’t know. I don’t know anymore.”

“You can choose to put the gun down, Kenny,” Officer Grant pushed gently, sensing the ground she’s gained. To Kara’s surprise, the officer’s focus shifts to her for a pointed moment before returning to Kenny. “Kara doesn’t deserve to watch you die.”

Kara’s throat locked then. She stared at Kenny, desperate. “Please, Kenny,” she croaked. Kenny didn’t look at her. “Kenny, PLEASE!”

Her legs almost gave out when he looked at her, his despair palpable. Kara knew in that moment he’d planned to die that day; the alternative would be years in prison, maybe an entire lifetime. Kara didn’t know what she would choose either. 

After a long, tense moment, Kenny exhaled shakily before taking a step back. He knelt. Leaning forward, he’d slid the rifle across the floor away from him before interlocking his fingers behind his head. Before Kara could blink, officers swarmed Kenny, locking his handcuffs on his wrists and confiscating the rifle. 

Officer Grant, though, came to Kara. 

“Are you okay, Kara?”

An avalanche of sobs came crashing out of Kara, and Officer Grant opened her arms and held Kara as she crumbled.

“Officer Grant talked Kenny down,” Kara continues, blinking her way back to the low-lit bar. Lena waits on the other side of the booth, her features patient and calm. Kara offers a small, quiet smile. “She talked him down, by talking to him. Not as a monster, but as a person. Her compassion won out over his anger, and it saved lives.”

Lena reaches across the table, clasping Kara’s in hers. Her thumbs rub soft circles against Kara’s skin, further grounding her back in the present. “She inspired you.”

Kara turns her hand, letting her palm settle fully in Lena’s. “She did. A few years later, she was the one who gave me my badge. Literally. Her signature is on my graduation certificate.”

“I bet she remembered you.”

“She did,” Kara confirms. Then she snorts, dispelling the somber mood. “Not that it won me any favors. In fact, I was pretty sure she hated me right up until she pinned my badge on my chest.”

Lena laughs. “Oh, man, I could spend days telling you about basic. The worst.”

Kara squeezes the hand in hers, giving a genuine smile. “I look forward to it. But first…”

She pauses when she sees Jess heading towards them with a basket of food in her hands.

“Onion rings!”

[songstep4002]

I wish Supercorp shippers would treat James with more dignity. Like yes, I hate Lames as much as the next person. But that doesn't automatically make James the bad guy here. I'm fine with people writing Mon-El as the jackass who gets in the way of Supercorp, because he has always been a jackass. But James was a flawed and nuanced character who got mishandled by the writers, and every time someone bashes him unnecessarily or makes him out to be the villain, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

[rustingcat]

I often think about how lonely Kara must've felt in her first few years in NC.

Alex was probably busy with DEO stuff, especially at the start. Besides Winn, she didn't have any friends, and even he seemed more of a good work buddy before she showed him her powers.

Above that, she was constantly focused on represing herself, her powers, her time (to appease Cat), and basically everything about herself to seem normal and please everyone around her.

She was just drifting through life with no purpose, no aspirations, just trying to make herself as small as she could to fit in.

All she really wanted was to be seen and make a true connection.

[marinawolf]

Please Come Back (Supercorp)

by marinawolf

Lena Luthor villain arc with tragedy. Sad, angsty. Kinda painful tbh. (Trying out something new- I'm sorry.)

tw: death

As Lena stood frozen in her office, Lex's revelation echoed through her mind like a relentless scream.

"Kara Danvers is Supergirl."

The anger that surged within Lena was more than just a fiery blaze; it was a consuming inferno, tearing through her with a ferocity she had never known. It was a primal, gut-wrenching rage that threatened to consume her from the inside out. How could Kara, the person Lena had trusted above all others, the one she had poured her heart and soul into, deceive her so completely? Every memory they shared, every whispered secret, every stolen glance and lingering touch now felt like shards of glass slicing into Lena's heart.

Betrayal twisted like a knife in Lena's gut, a relentless, gnawing ache that refused to be ignored. She had let Kara in, allowed herself to believe in their connection, their bond, only to have it all ripped away in an instant.

Lena's fists clenched so tightly that her nails dug deep into her palms, drawing blood that went unnoticed.

And beneath the anger, beneath the seething fury that threatened to consume her whole, lay something even more agonizing: the crushing weight of her own foolishness.

She allowed herself to fall in love with Kara.

Lena had fallen for Kara, fallen so deeply and so irrevocably that it sometimes felt like she was drowning. She had trusted Kara with everything she had, given her heart without reservation, only to be repaid with deceit and betrayal.

Kara had played her for a fool, spinning her web of lies with practiced ease while Lena foolishly danced to her tune. And now, as the truth lay bare before her, Lena felt a cold, numbing emptiness settle over her. Tears threatened to spill from her eyes, but Lena refused to let them fall. She would not give Kara the satisfaction of her tears, of witnessing the devastation she had wrought.

In that moment, Lena felt as though she had been hollowed out, stripped bare of everything she once held dear.

Kara Danvers had torn her apart. She had shattered Lena's heart into a million irreparable pieces, and there was no going back.

Did Kara not trust her? Did she see Lena as nothing more than a Luthor, tainted by the sins of her family name?

Was that what Kara thought her to be? A villain, unworthy of trust or redemption? If that's how Kara saw her, then perhaps it was time Lena embraced that role fully. She had tried to rise above the shadow of her family's legacy, to prove herself worthy of Kara's faith and, someday, her love. But if Kara couldn't see past the Luthor name, then perhaps Lena should stop pretending to be anything other than what she was: a Luthor, tainted by blood and betrayal.

The bitterness of the realization tasted like poison on Lena's tongue. She had loved Kara, secretly, fiercely, with a devotion that bordered on obsession. And now, as she stood on the precipice of darkness, Lena's heartbreak threatened to consume her whole.

Every word, every touch, every stolen glance between them replayed in Lena's mind like a cruel mockery of what could never be. She had allowed herself to dream of a future with Kara, to imagine a life where they could be together. But those dreams lay shattered at Lena's feet.

What a fool.

If Kara saw her as a villain, then a villain she would be.

--

The soft click of the door opening drew Lena's attention to Kara breezing into her office. Lena's heart leapt at the sight, as it always did.

Dressed in a button-up shirt, her glasses hiding those piercing blue eyes, Kara brought with her the bashfulness and innocence that once brightened Lena's day. But now, every glance at Kara was a stab to her heart. She knew that beneath that facade lay a web of lies, woven with expert precision by Kara herself. How could Lena have been so blind, so foolish to trust someone who had manipulated her with such ease? How could she have missed the signs? How could she have failed to see the truth that was staring her right in the face?

But Lena knew the answer. It was because she wanted to believe in Kara. She had allowed herself to be lulled into a false sense of security, to fall in love, only to be betrayed in the cruelest of ways. And now, as Kara stood before her, Lena couldn't help but feel a pang of anger at the realization of how thoroughly she had been played.

Kara held a takeout bag in her hands, a small smile playing at her lips as she met Lena's gaze. She looked so beautiful it almost hurt, and Lena couldn't help but feel a pang of longing deep within her chest. For a moment, she allowed herself to imagine what could have been, if she hadn't learned the truth. They would settle on the couch in Lena's office, laughing and talking while eating the grossly unhealthy takeout that Kara would have surely brought. Lena would have been happy. Content.

But those thoughts were nothing more than a cruel fantasy. She couldn't allow herself to forget the lies, the deceit that had woven its way through every moment of their relationship. Kara was a liar, and Lena couldn't bear to look at her now without feeling like a fool.

This wasn't the Kara she thought she knew. This wasn't the friend she had trusted with her deepest secrets. This wasn't the woman she had stupidly fallen in love with. This was a stranger, wearing Kara's face like a mask, hiding the true extent of her deception behind a facade of innocence and charm. Lena wanted to applaud Kara's charade.

Now, there would be no lunch, no laughter, no friendship between them. Not when it had all been built on a foundation of lies. She couldn't keep up the pretense any longer.

"Supergirl," Lena's voice cut through the air like a blade, her tone sharp and cold. She watched as Kara's smile faltered

"Supergirl? Where?" Kara's attempt to deflect, to keep up the lie was almost laughable.

"Please. Stop lying to me," Lena whispered.

Panic flashed across Kara's face, her eyes wide with fear, and Lena felt a fleeting satisfaction.

"You've been lying to me since day one, Kara. You shattered every defense I ever had, and it was all a lie. Even after I confided in you about how everyone I ever cared about betrayed me, you still did this. Was it amusing? To play games with a Luthor? Because evidently, I'm not deserving of your honesty, of your trust."

As Kara reached out, her hand trembling, Lena recoiled. Oh how she once craved that touch.

"Lena, please. Let me explain."

"Explain what?" Lena's voice cracked with anguish, her eyes clouded with unshed tears. "That in your eyes, I'm just another villain to be manipulated? I understand, Kara. I've been nothing more than a fool to you."

"God, Lena. No. You mean everything to me." Kara's voice shook with emotion, and Lena wondered how much of it was an act. "At first, I wanted to protect you from that part of my life. And then, we got closer, so close, and I just didn't know how to tell you without destroying everything. I didn't want to lose you."

Lena refused to listen to Kara's excuses, refused to allow herself to be manipulated any longer.

"Stop this charade, Kara. You've been lying to me, mocking our friendship, even after I shared my deepest wounds with you. I never imagined you would betray me too."

As Kara stepped toward her, tears streaming down her face, Lena's heart hardened with resentment. Were her tears merely another performance in Kara's elaborate deception?

"Don't," Lena's voice trembled. "This friendship, us, it's over. You don't trust me. I'm just a Luthor, right? An evil, calculating Luthor. So be it."

Kara's tears fell like rain, but Lena remained unmoved by their false sincerity. "Lena, please. I'm so sorry. I never meant--"

"No, Kara. Just go. Please. I can't do this. I can't bear to look at you," Lena's voice trembled with the effort to hold back her tears as Kara turned and left, leaving Lena alone.

And finally, Lena allowed herself to cry.

---

two months later

Lena's footsteps echoed through the fortress, her heart pounding in her chest. She had one mission—to steal Myriad. It was a crucial component of Project Non Nocere, her collaboration with her brother, and she couldn't afford to fail. Despite the dangers of working with Lex, his vision made sense to her. At least he didn't deceive her, unlike others.

The promises of peace and control that Lex offered beckoned to Lena. The belief that humanity's flaws, their inclination toward deceit and manipulation, were at the root of all conflict made sense to Lena. In her eyes, people lied, schemed, and betrayed each other, perpetuating a cycle of suffering. She and Lex were in agreement on this fundamental truth. And she knew how to stop it.

As Lena approached her objective, she steeled herself for the confrontation she knew would come. Supergirl would undoubtedly arrive to stop her, but Lena was prepared. She had a plan to neutralize her adversary. And that is what Supergirl had become- her adversary.

When Kara finally appeared, confusion and hurt etched upon her face, Lena's resolve wavered for an instant but those eyes also fueled the fire of Lena's determination, pushing her to carry out her mission.

With trembling hands, Lena activated the trap she had meticulously prepared. The mechanism sprang to life, encasing Kara in a prison of kryptonite. Lena winced at the sight of Kara weakened, the pain of her actions a dagger in her soul. But she knew she had to see this through, for the greater good—or so she told herself. It still pained her to see Kara weakened, to be the cause of her suffering, but she knew it was necessary.

"Lena, why are you doing this?" Kara's voice, weakened by the kryptonite's effects, pierced through the air.

"Because I'm a villain, remember?"

A part of Lena wanted to rush to Kara's side, to gather her into her arms, but she steeled herself.

Another part of her wanted to leave Kara in that trap, as Lex had advised her to do- but she couldn't do that either. Despite everything, despite the betrayal, she couldn't bring herself to truly inflict harm upon Kara. So Lena deactivated the trap, allowing Supergirl to collapse to the floor, weakened but alive as she left the fortress.

--

Some time later, at the Mount Norquay Bunker

Lena stood next to Lex, poised to set their nefarious plan into motion when the DEO burst through the doors, led by Supergirl. Lena's heart leapt at the sight, despite everything. She couldn't stop her heart from reacting to Kara, no matter how hard she tried.

Lex's expression twisted in disbelief as he laid eyes on the seemingly invincible Supergirl. His shock quickly morphed into rage, his eyes blazing with fury as he directed his anger towards Lena.

"You couldn't even take care of her, sister?" Lex's voice dripped with scorn, his disappointment palpable.

"I couldn't do it," she confessed, her voice barely a whisper.

Before Lena could comprehend what was happening, Lex seized a kryptonite weapon, aiming it directly at her. Shock surged through Lena as she realized she was being used as a shield against Supergirl.

A cold chill swept through the bunker as Lex issued his chilling ultimatum. "Take another step, Supergirl, and I'll kill her," he threatened, his voice dripping with malice.

Supergirl froze, her hands raised in a gesture of surrender, her eyes pleading with Lex to release Lena. "Let her go, Lex. It's all over," she implored, her voice tinged with desperation.

But Lex's resolve remained unyielding. "It's not over until I say it is," he declared, his finger tightening on the trigger.

Lena closed her eyes, bracing herself for the inevitable, accepting her fate. She deserved this. But when she opened them, she was met with a sight that shattered her to the core.

Kara had intercepted the bullet meant for Lena, her body absorbing the deadly impact of the kryptonite. Time seemed to stand still as Kara collapsed to the ground, her chest pierced by the lethal projectile.

A strangled cry tore from Lena's throat as she watched Kara fall. She stumbled forward, reaching out to Kara as the DEO agents moved swiftly to apprehend Lex, their actions a blur of motion in the chaos.

Lex's laughter echoed through the bunker, a twisted symphony of triumph and madness. "Well, at least you weakened her, sister," he taunted Lena, his words like poison on her ears.

Lena's mind reeled as she knelt beside Kara's prone form, her hands trembling as she reached out to touch her. "What have I done?" she whispered, her voice choked with anguish and regret.

Tears streamed down Lena's cheeks as she cradled Kara's head in her lap, "I'm so sorry, Kara. I'm so sorry," she sobbed, her words a desperate plea for forgiveness.

Kara's hand weakly reached for Lena's face, her touch fading as her strength waned. "Lena," she whispered softly, her voice barely a whisper.

As Kara lay in Lena's arms, the light slowly fading from her eyes, Lena felt a surge of overwhelming guilt wash over her. She watched helplessly as the vibrant spark that had always defined Kara dimmed, replaced by the haunting shadow of death.

In that moment, as Kara's life slipped away before her very eyes, she realized with painful clarity how horribly she had treated Kara, how she had allowed her anger and bitterness to cloud her judgment, to blind her to the truth.

With aching regret, Lena wished she could turn back time, go back to that pivotal moment when Kara had offered her an apology, and accept it with open arms. She wished she could undo all the pain and betrayal, erase the choices that had led to this. Throughout everything, she had never once considered that she could lost Kara like this.

This was Kara, her Kara, the woman she loved more than anything in this world, and now she was losing her because of her own actions. How could she have let it come to this? How could she have been so blind, so stupidly angry?

It was as if Lena was finally snapping out of a trance, one fueled by anger and resentment, and now, faced with the devastating reality of Kara's imminent death, none of it meant anything. All she wanted was Kara back, safe and sound in her arms.

Through tear-streaked eyes, Lena leaned down and whispered those three words she had never dared to speak aloud before. "I love you," she confessed, her voice choked with emotion, her heart breaking with each syllable, "Please, please come back to me. I'm sorry."

But as Kara's life slipped away, Lena felt the crushing weight of her own guilt bear down upon her. She wished she could trade places with Kara, to undo the irreversible damage she had caused.

In that moment, as Kara drew her final breath, Lena wished she could die too, to escape the unbearable agony of her own making, to be reunited with the woman she had loved and lost.

She had nothing to live for anymore. And it was her own fault.

[kj-yikes]

9. Apple

(on ao3 here)

Kara's had a day.

Early Supergirl duty, Snapper making her rewrite her article for the third time, nearly spilling coffee all over herself. And to top it all off, Kara's on a self-imposed no-takeout rule, which means she needs to go to the grocery store after work.

She's exhausted, ready to go home, but she drags herself to the grocery store closest to Catco. Grabbing a basket, she wanders through the store, grabbing things here and there until she's assembled an acceptable meal. Before checking out, she decides to go back to the produce section. Nia had told her about this new type of apple and, well, Kara could use more fruit in her life.

She scans the piles of apples, reading the signs until she finds the one she's looking for. As she reaches for one, her hand grazes someone else's.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I was totally zoned out," Kara starts, turning to the person who's suddenly appeared next to her. She had sworn that she was alone in the section. What's the use of superhearing if you don't hear someone right next to you?

She freezes. Lena. Tight ponytail, sharp blazer, green eyes, tall heels.

Gosh, Kara has missed her.

"Lena!" Kara says, surprised. Lena's face is frozen, hand outstretched.

She winces. "Kara," she says coolly.

Right.

Kara shifts awkwardly. "It's, uh, it's nice to see you, Lena." Her voice is soft, earnest. Lena frowns. Kara takes in the turned down corners of Lena's scarlet mouth. She's cold, but her eyes betray the hurt and sadness. Kara's heart squeezes painfully.

"We don't need to bother with the pleasantries," Lena says sharply. "I'm just here to get apples." Kara stares as Lena turns back to the apples. She can't believe Lena is right here, in front of her. This is her chance. Lena hasn't been answering any of Kara's calls or texts. This is her chance to talk to her, to convince her not to work with Lex, to convince her of how sorry she is.

"Lena, can we just talk? Please?" Kara pleads, blue eyes glistening with unshed tears. Lena's hand hovers over the apple for a moment, before snatching it up along with two others and placing them in her basket.

"I've said everything I needed to." Lena gives Kara a long, hard look before turning and heading towards the checkout, heels clicking.

Kara watches as Lena walks away. "I miss you," she says softly, sadly.

She forgets to grab apples before checking out.

[swanqueensalad]

hi gays, you should watch demons & daughters on youtube now because of THIS lesbian teenage regency era slow burn childhood best friends love confession alone

[natalievoncatte]

CW: discussion of death and dying.

The gun was still on her hip when Lena walked into her penthouse. She probably should have gotten rid of it, just for the sake of disposing of evidence. It was far from the only one she owned, and she wouldn’t miss it. Then again, one does not discard lightly the weapon of fratricide. She’d decide what to do with the murder weapon later; right now, there was only one thought screaming in her head.

I killed Lex. I killed my brother.

It kept repeating in her brain on an endless loop.

I killed my brother for a liar. A betrayer. He was right and I was wrong. She only-

Lena was not alone. There was a figure seated on her sofa, staring straight ahead. Lena knew those blond curls, falling in a dark river like warm honey. Supergirl.

Supergirl, not Kara. Kara was good. Kara loved her, trusted her, watched out for her, had her back. Kara kept her secrets and gave her a shoulder to cry on always had her back. Kara was good, and Kara was a lie.

Lena walked around the couch, eyes wide and lips trembling, her features pulled into a mask of morose fury. How dare she just break in here and… sit there.

“I died.”

Lena froze.

“I died,” Supergirl said, again. “The clone of me that Lex had, she was a duplicate created by Harun-El somehow. She killed me. I died.”

Supergirl’s brilliant blue eyes flashed in the twilight of Lena’s dark apartment and locked on her.

“There was nothing. No warm light of Rao welcoming me home to live in peace with my people forever. No tunnel of light. There was just nothing. I was gone and then I wasn’t. Alex said the grass brought me back.”

Lena licked her lips. She was fixed to the spot.

“Why are you telling me this?”

“I’m Kara.”

Those two little words, those treacherous words, hit Lena like a freight train. Her knees buckled and she sagged, catching herself by an end table.

Kara met her gaze.

“There were a million reasons why I never told you. They’re all stupid and pointless. When I woke up that was the first thing I thought of. I died and I never told you.”

Lena tried to speak, but her throat had gone so dry that it was like trying to breath through a mournful of sand. She sagged further, barely able to fall into a side chair.

“At first I just didn’t know you well enough. Then I screwed everything up by being a complete ass to you, and I never even said I was sorry. But I was sorry. So I was too scared to tell you because I didn’t want you to hate me. Then by the time I wanted to tell you again, all of this had happened and I was still afraid you’d hate me.”

Kara looked down at the floor.

“But then I was dead and none of it mattered anymore. None of the things that had been important to me mattered when I was dying. You know what I was thinking as she crushed the life out of me?”

“No,” Lena choked out.

“This is it?” said Kara. “All that… and this is it? Just like that? This is all I get?”

Silence ruled the dark apartment. The back edge of Lena’s gun dug uncomfortably into her flank. Kara just sat there, looking through the floor. Perhaps literally.

“Kara,” Lena said, without quite knowing why. “I’m sure… you weren’t…”

“No, Lena, I died. It wasn’t like when Reign beat me to a pulp and threw me off a building. That was different. This was different. I can’t even say how. I just know.”

When Reign…

Lena had been there that night. Reign had beaten Supergirl into a coma, thrown her off a building and left her broken and bloodied in the street. Lena thought she’d died that night.

Wait.

That was Kara, too.

Sharp, rancid bile, harsh and acidic, burned the back of Lena’s throat. She choked it down, trembling.

Kara looked at her again.

“I have something else I have to tell you.”

Lena needed a drink. Now. She wobbled across the room to the kitchen and grabbed the nearest wine bottle, pouring herself a glass and downing half of it in one go. It was a dry red, harsh and sharp on her tongue.

“Kara,” Lena began. “Before you say anything else-“

“I’m in love with you.”

Lena wasn’t sure what she expected Kara to say, but not that. Not just… say it. She couldn’t say it. Not when Lena has been grasping that secret so hard that it always threatened to slip from her fingers, reedy to leap from her grip from being held so tight. The words simultaneously made her feel as if her heels would float from the floor and nearly drove her down to it. She leaned on the white marble countertop, trembling.

“None of the reasons I kept that secret matter anymore, either. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way. I’ll leave if you want me to. I just… I died,” Kara’s voice crumbled into a sob, barely intelligible, “and I didn’t tell you.”

Lena said nothing. She downed the rest of the wine.

“What do you want from me?” She finally choked out.

“I want to tell you about Krypton. I want movie nights and game nights and big belly burgers and brunches. I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you so bad I don’t know how I never did. If you want that.”

Again, Lena went silent.

“I want to make up for the shit I’ve put you through. I want to show you how much I care for you, as often and as thoroughly as I can. Dying without you fucking sucked. I want to live with you instead.”

Lena’s breath quickened. Kara’s boots creaked as she stood up, her cape billowing slightly behind her as she crossed the room, keeping a respectful distance.

“I’ll go, if you want. I just had to say it.”

Lena pressed her fingers against the countertop until they went white and her palms trembled. She felt the weight of the gun on her hip.

“Stay,” she whispered.

There is no prompt for this one. The idea just came to me and I had to write it out.

[yeetmeoutofthisplanet]

"Ieiu."

Kara's heart broke at the anguish in her daughter's voice, yet she couldn't find the courage to look in Lori's direction. She couldn't bear to see those familiar eyes filled so much light and life when she had just watched it fade away mere hours ago. She just couldn't bear to, not now. Not when it was too soon. Not when she was still overwhelmed with the grief of losing the love of her life.

"Little one, I—there's a lot to—I have to go."

Kara took a step towards the door, ready to leave because she just couldn't do this right now. She hoped that Lori understood, that she needed to be alone to process the fact that Lena was... that her zhao was gone forever. The thought alone was enough to send Kara into another spiral of pain, anger, and dread when a small voice halted her.

"Please, I need you."

The older Kryptonian paused. Her little one had just uttered the same words she had said to Lena, holding her tight as she took her last breath, with a barely whispered I love you.

"Ieiu, please"

Kara sped away after that.

Inspired by this post

[waytooinvested]

Forgotten, Not Forgiven - Prologue

Still reeling from finding out the truth herself, Lena suddenly finds herself in the midst of an odd role reversal in which she knows that Kara is Supergirl, but Kara no longer has any idea she has ever been more than an ordinary human.

And what’s more, Lena has no choice but to keep the truth from her for her own protection…

Also on AO3

Starts with a very short Lex perspective prologue, after which the rest will be Lena's POV.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Poor, sweet little Lena, always letting her feelings get in the way of what needed to be done.

When she had come storming into his hideout following his supposed death, full to the brim with righteous fury and clutching a gun in her hot little hand, there had admittedly been a moment when Lex had thought she would kill him.

But he was Lex Luthor, and at the end of the day, he would always be one step ahead of his younger, weaker sister.

He had shown her the truth hiding behind her little girlfriend’s gawky spectacles and shrinking violet demeanour, and it had distracted Lena long enough to let him slip away, while the gun stayed useless and unfired in her hands.

He had practically heard the sound of her heart snapping in two as he went.

It had been funny.

At first.

This big reveal was a long awaited and devastating move he had been looking forward to in the life long chess game that was their sibling relationship, and he had taken the time to savour it as Lena had come adrift from her former circle of friends. He had watched in glee as she pushed Supergirl away and threw herself instead into work, and solitude. He had been sure it was only a matter of time before the bitterness of betrayal worked its way like an antidote through her system and brought her back to his side where she belonged.

Lena would always be his lesser shadow of course, but she had her uses as a junior partner, and as a figurehead to give their work a positive credibility that, after all his bad press recently, he currently lacked.

Lex was a patient man.

He gave Lena nearly two months to have her little tantrum and come to heel, but to his immense annoyance, she still refused to do so.

After that, the fun of watching her suffer began to sour.

Lena was a Luthor after all, and that name still meant something. What was she doing trailing around looking woebegone over some stupid blonde alien? It was unseemly, distasteful, and worse, it was starting to affect her work. L-Corp stock had been down by 0.05% last week, and Lex was damned if he was going to allow Lena to drive HIS company into the ground while he was still breathing, whatever she might call it now.

No, Lena needed to be dealt with, and soon.

His first plan was simply to kill her – clean, efficient, and only fair given that Lena had tried to kill him not all that long ago, but that lacked a certain… je ne sais quoi.

Besides, it would give Supergirl the opportunity to swoop in and save her, which risked pushing them towards a reconciliation and wasting a perfectly good identity reveal.

No, he had a better idea. One that, if he could pull it off, would take care of both of his problems in a single stroke.

All he had to do was lay the perfect trap for Supergirl.

[inkedroplets]

You Owe me a New Desk

“I know I sprang this on you—” “Because you knew if you didn’t I would say no,” Kara said hotly, wondering if she had also purposefully chosen to tell her at the DEO to stop her from making too big a scene. She glared at Alex, hoping to see a hint of guilt on her implacable face, annoyed when she found none. 

“It's dinner, Kara. you act like I’m trying to marry you off,” Alex said, arms already crossed over her chest, having expected resistance and prepared accordingly. 

“Not yet, anyway,” Kara replied, shaking her head again, her hands still on her hips, fingers digging in to stop her from mimicking Alex’s pose, knowing she would cut a far more intimidating figure. “But at the rate, you’re going …” “It is one date,” Alex said. She snaked her right arm free and held up her index finger, although Kara suspected she would have much rather held up the middle one. “You don’t even need to think of it as a date. Think of it as a night out.” “A night out,” Kara repeated. “Yeah. Do you remember those?” “I missed a few game nights,” Kara said, her already fraying patience dissolving to nothing as they slipped back into the same quagmire they had been stuck in for months now. It seemed no matter what topic, whether it be something as banal as the weather or a metahuman attacking downtown like all roads lead to Rome. Every conversation with Alex always led back to Lena and how (in Alex's words) she needed to move on. As if it could ever be that simple. Although to everyone else it certainly seemed that way. Life for everyone else had simply seemed to have gone on. As if Lena's sudden absence was something that had happened a long time ago. 

There had been a few desultory outings where the conversation often lagged and some of the takeout that normally disappeared so quickly remained untouched. She remembered a game night that had fizzled out after a brief game of Exploding Kittens and turned into an impromptu movie night that had been something Kara had needed to get through rather than enjoy.

But the group (minus Kara) had found their footing soon after that. Karaoke where lyrics were belted out (oftentimes offkey) and at the appropriate eardrum-shattering decibel. Game nights filled with laughter interspersed with the occasional howl of indignation when someone invariably pulled too far ahead in points or when a house rule had been broken whether on accident or on purpose. 

Kara had watched it happen in a state of incredulity, bearing witness to the speed at which things had returned to normal for everyone else, at how fast their fractured circle had closed in reaction to Lena's absence. Life had simply gone on for them. But not for her. And seeing her friends joke and laugh, and have spirited debates over who out of the group would have the best chance of surviving a zombie apocalypse and what were the superior pizza toppings, turned her incredulity to white-hot anger. Anger that had all the forethought of a bull in a china shop. It rampaged around in her chest, seeing red everywhere, looking for something to smash, to gore. It was why she had eventually stopped going to game night, (even if all she had done since Lena’s absence had been to act as a scorekeeper). 

“You’ve missed six,” Alex countered “Six then.” “And every time someone tries to make plans with you, you always find an excuse not to—” “Me being busy is not an excuse,” Kara fired back and gave her cape a hasty flutter, drawing attention to it the same way a magician might before attempting some sleight of hand. In truth, it was an excuse, but with how busy she had kept herself, it would have been hard to accuse her of lying. She had practically begged Andrea for more work, happily snapping up whatever puff piece or blogpost that she threw her way. Andrea had been far too happy that her Pulitzer-winning reporter had suddenly come around on soft news after being so vehemently against it to question why she was now more than happy to pen an article about ‘What your favorite kind of tea says about you’. She had also redoubled her efforts as Supergirl, spending more of her time patrolling the city. Anything to keep busy, to keep herself distracted. Not that it was ever enough. “You can take one night off, Kara…” Alex let out a sigh that sounded like it had been kept under pressure for a very long time, almost a hiss as her gaze that had been so steely just moments ago softened. “I know this has been hard…” No, you don’t.

“I know you miss her.” “I don’t miss her!” Kara shouted. The ensuing silence and the feeling of suddenly being watched as everyone in the room turned to look in her direction made her cheeks burn. Doing her best to ignore the fact that to the others in the room, she and Alex had become the only two players on the stage of a sold-out show she stalked forward so that she could lean close enough to whisper to her. “Kara…” “I do not miss her,” Kara murmured. She pressed a hand flat against her forehead and let it slip over her eyes briefly like a shroud. In the transient darkness, she saw herself. Not a perfect reflection but her as she had looked trapped in the Fortress’ defenses that Lena had reprogrammed on the fly. Defenses that had been put in place originally as a Luthor failsafe… “Okay,” Alex said placatingly. “You don’t miss her. After what she did to you—” And what did we do to her? Kara thought, the image of herself fading from her mind’s eye as she let her hand fall back to her side. “Can we not, Alex? Please?”

“Why don’t you head home for the night?” Alex suggested as if she wasn’t the reason that Kara had stopped by the DEO in the first place instead of heading straight home after her patrol. “Just think about it, okay? The date… or not date.” “Yeah,” Kara said, already beating a hasty retreat towards the door. She could hear the indistinct whispers of some of the agents in the room as clearly as if they were whispering into her ear instead of someone else’s, ignoring the looks of concern on many of the faces she passed. 

I’m fine, she told herself. She repeated that to herself with each step like a prayer. And when she had put the DEO behind her, had flown up high enough so that the city below had become a bed of glittering jewels, she repeated it aloud with the same quiet desperation one might have when earnestly wishing on a star. “I’m fine.”

Kara wasn’t fine. How could she be when there didn’t seem to be a single potsticker in all of National City? She had tried all of her usual places and been turned away for one reason or another at all of them. Catching them as they were closing for the night, being swamped with orders, and just being plain out of food (although Kara could have sworn she smelled something cooking in the back).

She had however been offered an apology each time she had been turned away. Five apologies of varying sincerity did little to blunt her disappointment at being denied one of the few things that might bring her a tiny bit of comfort. It wasn’t until she had returned home defeated that she realized how strange it had been that every place had known her by name. Not that she didn’t frequent any of them enough for them to know her name, but she knew for a fact that none of them did. She had been a regular customer by virtue only, always having to give her name (sometimes several times) whenever she picked up an order. Not that she minded. But it had been odd to suddenly become a known entity at all five restaurants. Even stranger that a few of them had done a very noticeable double-take when she had walked in as if they had been expecting her.

The words: Could this day get any worse? trembled on her lips when she collapsed onto her couch, still in her Supergirl suit. She didn’t dare speak them aloud, though. She knew better than to tempt fate. Knew from experience that life could turn on a dime and be unimaginably cruel. Krypton’s destruction. Having to watch her home be destroyed before her eyes and at that moment (and for a long time after) a selfish part of her had wished she had been destroyed along with it. 

Compared to that, how could a squabble with Alex and being denied her favorite food ever measure up? Only, she knew it wasn’t just that. It was being faced with the fact that her passion for journalism, something that had fulfilled her in a way that Supergirl never could, had seemingly vanished and her attempts (that had become more and more desperate) to recapture it had only made her more sure that it might be gone for good. It was the distance growing between her and all her loved ones and how little she seemed to care as she watched it happen. It was the unimaginable bitterness that ate away at her like acid from how she had hurt Lena and how Lena had hurt her. It was how at times there seemed to be no bottom to her pain. It was the recurring nightmare she had frequently of being back in the Fortress. Watching Lena disappear into the portal with Myriad. Trapped once more in that glittering cage. Even the most vivid of nightmares couldn’t replicate the pain of kryptonite, but what it could do was convince her sleeping mind that she was trapped there. Trapped with no way of escape. And when she woke up drenched in a cold sweat, she wasn’t sure whether she was in her bed, in the Fortress, or back in the Phantom Zone… 

“It’s the potstickers,” she muttered. Her stomach gave a very loud rumble a few moments later, making it that much easier to pretend that’s all it was. She had plenty to work with in her fridge. At a quick glance with her X-Ray vision, she saw leftover pizza, Thai food, and half of a burrito that looked about the same size and general shape as a small anaconda. But no potstickers. “Maybe if Alex didn’t invite me to the DEO under false pretenses to set me up on a blind date,” she muttered, finding it easy to imagine a scenario where if she had arrived only ten minutes earlier her favorite place wouldn’t have run out of food. That very likely outcome annoyed her almost more than Alex trying to dictate her love life. Lena would understand. The thought was like a bolt from the blue, too quick for her to stop herself from thinking it and too ingrained in her to be surprised that she had. Lena had been the one she had always gone to when she wanted to vent, especially if it was about Alex. She had always seemed to know when Kara simply wanted her to listen to her vent and when she wanted advice. Something that Alex still hadn’t mastered. While she meant well, Kara thought she approached helping her with all the subtlety of a wrecking ball at times. Her hamfisted attempt at getting her out of her funk by setting her up with a stranger was evidence of that. 

Alex is being so annoying today! You wouldn’t believe what she did. She actually tried to set me up on a date!! Sometimes she just needs to mind her own business!! And every Chinese place in the city is out of potstickers. And when I say ‘every’ Chinese place I mean every single place. I checked them all.Writing the text was cathartic, the modern-day version of writing a letter that you had no intention of sending. The relief would be fleeting, of course, although Kara had no idea just how fleeting. 

She had tossed her phone aside and begun taking mental stock of what she had in her cupboards and fridge, trying to figure out what to do for dinner when her phone chirped weakly from underneath one of her throw pillows. 

She swiped her finger lazily over the screen and felt her stomach enter freefall.

“Oh, no no no no…” Kara squeezed her phone hard enough to produce an ominous cracking noise that made her drop it directly onto her face. Flinching, she let it slide down into the crook of her neck before scooping it up, careful not to crush it (regardless of how tempting that sounded at the moment). 

She dragged her index finger over the screen and stared open-mouthed at the message she had never meant to send, but had done so anyway. She let her eyes unfocus and slowly zero in again as if that might make the message disappear. 

When her vision sharpened again and she saw the message was still there, Kara let out a low moan, wishing she could have willed it out of existence through sheer desperation, certain that if such a thing were possible she would have no trouble at all pulling it off. 

But it was the message just below it that made her do a double-take. 

I couldn't care less about the potstickers, but please, do go on about how awful Alex is… 

The message was so unabashedly Lena that Kara had no trouble imagining her speaking the words aloud, the imagery so vivid that she could have sworn she heard Lena's voice echoing in her head. 

She stared at it a moment longer before she typed out a very hasty, I'm sorry, not sure what else she could say. Her thumb hovered over the send button, a bitter smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. That wouldn't get a response. She was certain of that. Not when the other apologies she had sent had never once elicited a response from Lena. The apologies she had agonized over sending in the first place and regretted on the days when her anger at Lena outweighed the pain of missing her, of hurting her. 

[lena-in-a-red-dress]

Nuanced Foil Lena AU

Here's a prelude to some snippets I hope to post regarding Lena as a nuanced, layered foil to Kara and the Superfriends. Enjoy!

----

Losing Lena hurts. What hurts just as more is facing the first threat without her. Her absence is keenly felt, and nothing feels more unnatural to Kara than having to visit Lena to ask for help, rather than already have Lena in her corner.

She pauses for a moment in the sky outside Lena's office, shrouded by the overcast night. Lena is taking a rare break from sitting at her desk-- though at this hour she should be properly done with work. She stands out on her balcony with her back leaning against the rail, scrolling on her phone while pensively resting her cheek against the stemless wine glass in her hand. It's filled with water for once, and Kara can't help but gaze at the quiet moment.

As though sensing Kara's attention, Lena pulls her eyes from her phone and turns, scanning the sky around her. She doesn't spot Kara, but goes inside anyway. She doesn't lock the door behind her.

It's not an invitation, Kara knows that. Even so, she lands quietly on the balcony a few moments later, and softly steps inside.

"I thought I'd save myself the broken lock," Lena drawls, not looking up from her computer. She clicks through some open windows, her attention barely spared an ounce towards her visitor.

It's such a sharp contrast to the focus Lena has always given her, Kara can barely breathe through the pain in her chest. The worst of it all is the disinterest in Lena's voice. She would expect-- nay, prefer-- to hear ire, wrath, vehement reproach. Instead, she's faced with such indifference that it opens a new wound in Kara's heart.

"What can I do for you?"

Finally, Lena turns, rising to her full height as she casually folds her arms across her chest. One eyebrow lifts expectantly, but for once Kara has no idea what Lena is expecting, exactly. Another apology? Kara's actual purpose?

It leaves Kara feeling unmoored, and she relies on her Supergirl persona to pull her through. She inhales, expanding her chest and broadening her shoulders, while her fists settle on her hips in a familiar stance.

Kara hates herself for it.

"We need your help."

"Funny. That sounds more like an expectation than a request."

"Will you help us?"

"No."

Kara pauses, thrown by Lena's response. The word comes light but blunt, almost casual, as though there might be room to negotiate. Caught flatfooted, Kara's mind races again to identify what exactly Lena expects of her.

"Will you help us, please?"

Lena's lips twitch. "Cute. But I wasn't reminding you of your manners. I'm setting a boundary-- the advantage you've taken of our relationship ends here."

"What do you mean?"

"I hereby withdraw my unilateral support for Supergirl and your club of vigilantes." Lena sorts through the paper on her desk, finished with the conversation. "Whatever mess you've created this time, you're on your own."

"Lena..."

"Here's another riddle, while you puzzle out what the word no means-- what has two doors and an unwanted guest?"

Kara's chest clenches.

"Lena. Please."

"This office has two doors, Supergirl-- choose one."

[poemsonmars]

you were taught to

use your powers for good.

that asking for help isn't

a sign of weakness,

but one of strength.

but i was taught that

the only time i am valued

is when i am so silent

i could be mistaken for the dead.

asking for help has at best

only ever been the equivalent

of asking for a shovel

and most people

still don't understand

why i wake up gasping for air.

some days i can still admire

the flowers that you bring me.

some nights all i can feel

is the dirt in my lungs.

-mars