#and you mean to tell me that they arent in love?
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Not You Too. / Pedri Gonzalez x fem!reader
🪬 summary. you were already cheated on by an ex, so pedri promises to never do the same to you. what happens when he breaks his promise?
🪬 warnings. cheating &&. gaslighting 🤦🏾♀️
🪬 yap! i hate my ex so here’s this, sorry pedri lovers (bells) 🫶🏾 to @ar4ujos , @planetpedri , @hrts4havertz , &&. @halfwayhearted.
♡︎ - 346,028 likes ✎ - 103,028 comments
wagcentral: word on the streets saying this is Pedri… yourusername stand up 🤦♀️
user082 oh ffs pedri.
user012 fumbled a baddie 🫤
↳ user032 frr
user067 i can’t even imagine what she’s feeling rn.
user079 this is fucked up pedri wtfff
user101 she needs to LEAVE HIM.
user092 nonono my parentsss ☹️☹️
↳ user002 user092 bye they are grown and do not know you!!
↳ user043 user092 hey so actually he cheated on her! do you really want that as your dad?
Transcript of Y/n L/n and pedri💞’s phone call.
pedri💞: Hello?
Y/n L/n: What the fuck, Pedri?
pedri💞: Calm down, baby, what’s going on?
Y/n L/n: ‘Calm down’? ‘Baby’?! You fucking cheated on me, that’s what’s going on. [her voice begins to crack] Not you too.
pedri💞: What… What are you talking about? Y/n, I’m on my way to your house now.
Y/n L/n: [sniffs] To collect your shit I hope.
pedri💞: Don’t say that. I don’t even know what you’re talking about. What do you mean I cheated on you?
Y/n L/n: The pictures are out, Pedri.
pedri💞: What pictures?
End of call.
6 missed calls from pedri💞.
5 missed texts from pedri💞:
- I just saw the pictures. those arent recent
- I promise you it’s not
- I’d never cheat on you Y/n
- I love you so much
- Please don’t do this
Rain poured, mocking the tears from your eyes. You could see him outside through your window, drenched in the rain.
“Y/n, answer the door please.” You could hear Pedri outside consistently pounding on the door. He wasn’t gonna leave you alone; you knew you were gonna have to answer one way or another.
With mascara running down your face, you walked over to the door, in no hurry to talk to him at all. You reluctantly opened the door, being greeted by a pleading Pedri.
“Y/n…” He sighed, his face softening. “Please don’t cry.” He said as he went to wipe your tears away. You dodged him, not wanting to feel that spark from his touch. You couldn’t bare it anymore.
“You’re a piece of shit,” you spat out at him, showing him the photos and the screenshots you had been sent. “You’re a piece of fucking shit.”
“Let’s talk about it then, Y/n,” Pedri replied, downplaying your anger. He didn’t seem as upset as he should��ve been.
Tears continuing to pour just like the rain, you said, “You lie to my face about where you’re going and who you’re with then expect me not to find out? How the fuck can you tell someone you love them and then cheat on them?”
“Y/n, it wasn’t even like that. Those photos and screenshots are all from before you. That girl’s engaged now,” Pedri told you. You could see in his eyes and expression that he was genuinely sorry, no matter how nonchalant he tried acting about the situation.
“Why didn’t you fucking tell me then? If it was before me why hide it?” You didn’t even know what you were saying at this point— you just knew you were mad.
Pedri answered with desperation in his tone, “I have nothing to hide, Y/n, I thought you knew.” Tears were slowly rolling down his cheeks, only making you more upset. You hated seeing him like this and you hated even more that you couldn’t comfort him.
“Then let me see your phone. Since there’s nothing to hide.” You crossed your arms, giving him a serious expression.
His eyes widened and he began to look around for an excuse. He managed to get out, “I… It’s— I left it in thr car.”
“Bullshit, I see the fucking print in your pocket. Bye, Pedri.” You scoffed with an eye roll, beginning to shut the door on him.
He held it open and started to plead. “Please, Y/n. I wouldn’t do that to you and you know it. I love you, Y/n.”
“Save it, Pedri. Don’t waste your time.”
#pedri x reader#pedri angst#pedri x you#pedri#pedri gonzalez#fc barcelona#barcelona#football#la liga#sakashq
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wow.
so you mean to tell me…
that all throughout s1 we have mobius over here, absolutely batting for loki. defending them whenever he can, trying to convince everyone that he can help them, doing literally everything in his power to have people see the good in loki and how useful she can be.
and.
now.
we have loki doing that exact same thing for mobius? (particularly with sylvie which is even more telling in my opinion)
#loki#loki s2#mobius m mobius#loki laufeyson#lokius#like.#holy shit#and you mean to tell me that they arent in love?#literally going against all odds to defend and support one another?#even if everyone (or one person) doesnt agree?#ok cool#i am soooo normal
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thunderhowl doesn't even like to lick mechs (he'll sometimes lick rocks or random objects to help decipher what it is if his smells can't help with its history) because he likes to keep up his elegant knightly air but. also. he likes seeing that seemingly impenetrable wall of soundwave's superiority complex Crack a little with the impudence of Utter Disgust
#i call this 2 second doodle HERE TAKE IT#i have to feed my two thunderwave fans and one of them is me LMFAO#i did not use a ref if u could tell by them looking like absolute nothing LOL#idc take my yaoi#LOL#take my godawful yaoi and do with it what u will#(write.... fic .... draw..art... talk abt it.. with... me...)#joth(jock goth) nerd vs goth theater nerd#4EVA!!!!!!!!!!#th: pardon my inquiry but are you trying to relay to me that your previous significant other#willingly expired himself to turn everything... evil..? in the ALL. SPARK ?#sw: yeah :/ lifes a bitch. he sucked anyways it's whatever ( has been listening to emo edgy songs loudly ever since)#<- lowkey adopted a one eyed cat stray#th: ... egads.#th: that is.. rather.. The Cool.. as you say#th: ... NOT YOUR LOVED ONE PERISHING HIMSELF I- I MEAN THE ATTEMPT TO- HOLD MINE HORSES- UM#sw cackling: no-youre good mech. it was pretty cool. for a nerd he was pretty bada- pretty fi- he. he was somebot. um.#sw: guess i could say pretty similar to you too#and even tho soundwave quickly looks away he can hear thunderhowl's tail thumping excitedly as it wags#soundwave#transformers#maccadam#tf cyberverse#tf#thunderhowl#thunderwave#sketch#soundwave saying ew like he doesnt groom himself like a cat while others arent looking
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what is your favorite thing about charles and your favorite thing about erik? separately, as in what you like most about their characters :]
a devious question this one is, my friend!!! it's hard enough for me to explain my thoughts cohesively, but having to pick ONE thing i particularly love is difficult. with characters like charles and erik, theres been so much done with their characters over the decades and so they have so many components to them that make them so interesting and fun to observe. BUT I TRY FOR YOU TODAY. under the cut i kinda ramble and the size of this text box makin me anxious
i think if i were to be simple and broad, what i enjoy most about charles is his determination to help others, even if he isn't really thanked and/or if people don't even like him. ofc, this isn't to say he hasn't done wrong- to be honest, the fact he does wrong/questionable things at times is another aspect of him i really enjoy, maybe because- broadly speaking- he's meant to be altruistic (intent vs outcome and all that). i don't know if that's super exciting to most people, but it is for me
as for erik, my reason for liking him is easier to explain tbh. To Be Simple And Broad, his progression from villain to antihero over the decades has been fun to observe (as much as i have so far anyhow) and analyze. i think to be a bit more specific, him using his rage and pain as justifications for his villainous actions is definitely what compels me the most: hurt people hurt and the sort, an idea i've always found interesting (something something vicious cycles and the like). yet now, he recognizes this wasn't really. A Just Thing To Do and is beginning to change that, which i enjoy
#snap chats#may you forgive me anon i always feel awkward explaining things AVELKJEAKLJ#i feel esp awkward cause i haven't read toooo much of the comics yet- like ive read. an ok amount so far krakoa wise#can you guys tell im fighting god himself to Not write a fuckin. NOVEL#im so sorry i have an over-explaining problem my mom was mean to me growing up but anyways#i definitely want to read more and more outside krakoa. the more i read the more im fascinated by these two and their history#but to continue my prattling. as if the three paragraphs above arent enough This Is Not A Thesis RELAX#i think a. 'poignant' moment i think adds to what i like about charles too is that soliloquy where he recognizes people dont like him#yet he could always be worse- like if he's bad now to others imagine if he really just said Fuck It All#it's simple but so am i whaddyagonnadoboutit. i mean that point itself could be discussed but i'm trying to keep this brief bear with me#i so bad want to know what issue that's from tho all i know is that it's from krakoa but i neeeed the whole context#i think like. an additional bullet point to charles i also like is his loneliness#and i say this cause- I Say From My Amateur-Psychology Armchair- it's a component of why he's so earnest to help#but im keeping this point in the tags until i can confidently verify that with myself after some more reading#Unfortunately a favorite pass time of mine is psychoanalyzing characters like why else you think i major in psychology smh#im going to force myself to cap the post here because i ended up typing like 20 more tags just rambling#and as i said id like to keep this simple and clean !!!!! i have sat here for like four hours answering this ngl#ignore the fact half that time was spent getting distracted by solitaire and riffling cards ok I Am Very Easily Distracted#but fr when it comes to charles and erik- charles esp imo#i feel like i need to write a whole paper just so i can mention the nuances of the characters and like. EVERYTHING#because again six decades is A Lot of time for writing decisions to be made and for their characters to change over time#im a glazer but i wanna be a nuanced glazer yk. is that glazing at that point-- w/e anyway#its a lot. so today you will have to tolerate a very Blah answer from me which i must apologize for#down the line once ive read a comfortable amount more varying from multiple eras maybe ill revisit this question more in depth#as of right now tho .... chat i wanna get legion of x so bad i skimmed it and hhhhhhhhim gonna throw UP#i need to shake charles like a ragdoll BUT ANYWAY. bye bye for now lovelies !!!!!!!#please forgive me if i didnt answer your question efficiently ..#here i am saying i wanted to keep the tag count brief and yet !!! jesus christ. shut up My God I REACHED THE TAG LIMIT
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who up seeing their disorder in a fictional character but feel like its not their place to put a name on it
#id have to be waterboarded before i can talk abt how i see a lot of my adhd and personality in mitsumi iwakura let alone post it#idk how to talk abt this without feeling like im talking over or invalidating ppls experiences relating with a character#someone was talking abt how ppl tie laios' autism to special interest and social difficulties but not much else which kinda flattens it#and then went into a respectful in depth analysis of other autistic behaviour that laios exhibits and it wasnt phrased meanly#its fascinating and important to me to hear someone explain a little bit abt traits that they recognized and often go overlooked#because it does help me learn more about it. but i think thats also where hesitancy kicks in when it comes to depicting it accurately#like i have adhd and some of my adhd symptoms overlap with autism (time blindness and pattern seeking behaviour) but that only means#it feels familiar to me even without having autism. on top of that traits arent always cleanly determined as being /caused/ by#a disorder. to understand my environment i compare it to something unrelated but similar to make it more familiar and for the longest time#i thought that was a personality thing and not an information processing thing since i loved playing pretend in my head as a kid#so if you make a character who experiences that hoping to reach people that also experience that and tell them its not weird or#smth youre making up like. thats the goal. ppl who dont get it arent expected to it just means it doesnt cater to them but it helps them#become familiar to it yk? since i dont have autism myself i dont feel confident i can depict it properly or explain it in my own words#but that doesnt mean im trying to dismiss it or try and cut it out completely.. ill just leave the floor open to someone who /can/#a lot of issues around fanon depictions are when smth is baselessly popularized or a characters personality and behavior is flattened#especially to fit them into a trending meme. its harmless and its supposed to be for fun but it gets tricky when you drag things that#need to be carefully explained beforehand or else it gets lost in translation. like that tweet abt 'hyperfixating' on cooking pasta#once it becomes popular language usually the original meaning is left out for the sake of simplifying it for everyone that when it#circles back theres a sort of hesitancy like. am i using it the way it was intended or am i unknowingly using the popularized version of it#actually thats probably why i felt wrongfooted during diagnosis bc it felt like i was misusing the words i heard to describe what i felt#i /know/ i see a lot of myself in mitsumi because our minds are always somewhere else and we tend to put good faith first and for me#that personal connection is enough. but idk it feels like its always gonna have to be 'palatable' first before i can talk abt it openly#mad respect to writers and creators who stick to their story even if theres the looming fear of ppl misinterpreting it and letting them#have it.. its been almost 2 weeks and i am so close to deleting that m3 dunmeshi drawing bc ppl keep saying chilchuck wouldnt have 200 HP#IT LITERALLY SAYS I MADE IT WHILE WATCHING EP 1. I USED EARTHBOUND LOGIC AND I WASNT EVEN TAKING IT SERIOUSLY CHILL#yapping
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this is going to sound really fucked up but i just need to say it i think.
I never realized that people could actually care. I always thought that the depictions of friendship in movies and TV shows were over-the-top portrayals, and weren't things that actually happened. This was then exacerbated by the fact that my entire life I always wanted people to just Know How I Was Feeling like they do on TV and I found out that that's Not How It Works. I always thought I was naive for caring so much about my friends and for doing nice things for them out of the blue, and I always resented myself for resenting my parents for not doing more for me as a child.
So when I got to uni, and my friends started caring about me and asking if I was ok when I looked sad and doing nice things for me, I didn't know what to do with myself. It was the nicest thing anyone had ever done for me in a long time. When I was staying with a friend, and she said that she left the window open in the room I was going to be staying in because I liked it to be cold when i sleep, I bluescreened. I didn't know how to respond. It is quite literally one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me. No one had ever paid that much attention to the things I liked. Every year on my birthday it was either a gamble if I would get something I actually wanted from my parents (spoiler alert: I was often disappointed) or I would just have to straight up tell them what I wanted. I got accustomed to the latter, and now I don't mind, but receiving two gifts from friends about languages this year made me realize that I could have it so much better.
And don't even get me started on online friends. I sort of thought that everyone was lying about them? Or that it was something unattainable, and reserved only for God's Chosen Favorites or something. But no, there are little people in my phone who care about me. They legitimately care about me as much as I care about them. I've been nervous to ask them about their well-being because I'm still nervous about being naive and getting a wake-up call that no one cares again, but after being told that they were worried about me when I overslept, I think i should know that I'm in the clear. And that's not even including all the times they tell me to go to bed when it's late, and when they ping me about things I may enjoy or things I was involved in.
All this is to say I guess that I'm touched that people remember my existence. It makes me feel good to be wanted. I will be eternally grateful to both my irl and online friends who made me realize that just because my parents or my friends from home didn't care enough to remember what I like or to go out of their way to do nice things for me, it doesn't mean that no one will. I need to step up and do more for you guys. I trained myself to push down my desire to help and check in with people because I thought I was betting on something that I'd never get in return, but now I know I can.
Thank you all, and I love you 💚
#uf this is a long one sorry 😅#i put it under a cut so it wont clog up your dash#btw if you are an online friend and you do something nice for me#what you arent seeing is me squealing and crying and bluescreening before giving your message a heart emoji and possibly the 🥹 emoji#the 🥹 emoji to me is a dear friend#🥹 to me in the context of accepting nice things means that im basically already crying#i am so incredibly appreciative of you all#i will not stop saying it#and i need to say it more to my irls faces#if you know me irl and you see this expect me to tell you very soon that i fucking love you#and if youre an online friend and you have vagueposted about something happening to you since ive met you#you may or may not get a message about it (depending on how chicken i am) because i fucking care about your well-being goddamnit#idk idk idk i just#it still amazes me that this isnt fake#that you actually care#i keep thinking that ill say something wrong or whatever and ill lose it all#but in the back of my mind i know that isnt true#i should probably be telling all this to a therapist but therapy is expensive and posting online is free#there was something else i wanted to say but i forgor so ill edit and add it when i rember#ok to rb#long post#personal
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one of those crazy girls by paramore except it's gojo
#now when you say you wanna slow down#does that mean you wanna slow dance?#maybe you just want a little extra time to focus on our romance#what do you mean i've got it backwards? you know we're gonna be forever#why are you telling me goodbye? arent you gonna stay the night?#are we really over now? maybe i can change your mind#as soon as you walk out my door i'm gonna call 100 times#i pour my heart out to your voicemal let you know i caught a bus to your side of town#now i'm standing at your doorstep#if you dont answer i'll just use the key i copied 'cause i really need to see you#if you're not here when i break in i'm gonna go through your closet just so i can smell your skin#i know i'll never love again i swear i'll never love again#IT'S SO HIM PLS#✿ thoughts: gojo
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banging my head into a wall trying to make friends as a dms guy when everybody else in the world likes talking through posts.
#i know people like it because talking thru posts is like more casual and like a discord server#BUT I HATE DISCORD SERVERS TOO BECAUSE ITS HARD FOR ME TO TALK THERE TOO#im a private guy okay i feel shy having a public conversation... like how i make wiener hug me in my car bc im too shy to do that in public#i love dms... i should make like a public guide on how i show im interested in friendship because my signals never work bc theyre too light#if i follow you that is the equivalent to me kissing you directly on the mouth and begging you to play games with me and its not a joke#if i say i recognize you and dont tell you i hate you then that means i like you#following is a big deal for me because its like how some people are casual about hugs and some arent. im not casual about following#i will like someone and still not follow them. i only follow if i actively am begging to be friends or we already are established friends#i think that when i say acquatiance to most people that is what theyd say a friend is#while when i say friend to most people thats what theyd say close friend is#because i like my acquaintances a lot and would vouch for them and enjoy talking to them when i do#its just i think that when i say acquaintance it gives them the impression i dont enjoy conversing much even though i do#average robooty diary entry post with a bunch of bullshit in the tags
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a while ago i accidentally bent a g.pangolin electrode (those things are made of gold) the world was covered in conductive gel time is passing unreal lvls of quick they know my heart is yours
#a mark per line. i want to learn how to play the santoor linguistic communication is a two way process. candle dances like theres someone#burning in it. both listeners and speakers need to adjust for successful communication. give two examples of how listeners might adjust to#speakers. a quick rum picks you up. speakers assimilate. speakers adjust to mispronunciation. my cat is guarding the living room#my friend is stuck in abstraction hell. how might speakers adjust to listeners? laziness leads to permanent language changes and neonates#recognise the rhymes their mothers sang to them before birth. we know this because we have a way to quantify familiarity. i wonder if my#heart too would slow if i heard your voice . are you free on the 7th? i'd love it if youre there even for a little bit.#he said i dont know when ill see you again. ill see you whenever you want. i have an exam the next day and an event i'm not going to#full of beautiful monsters. shes taking her girls instead. shell be on her motorbike overclocked. from 7 hours to 9 days after#birth neonates can habituate to basic 2d shapes. i was in your living room in some latent space between solid and not. ive grown#complacent and overfilled and lazy in their warmth. my friends keep me alive and undervolted. too much sun to care for the important things#that arent you. she escapes to a small town with a book alone for meditation. she tells me she cuts fabric for the girls blood in their eye#i wish you never met my lips. shes back in lancaster. hes back from her cave full of velvet and rivers and sand#go on girl punch like you mean it#kick like i taught you.
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ugh i really am kind of fucking devastated about shadow and bone. it's not even about wanting to see specific book moments with specific blorbos, even tho there were in fact So Many storylines that the varying actors never got to play with the way they deserved to..... i just.
i liked the writing so much.
:(
#like i have the books i don't need to see a 1 to 1 of the book stuff on the screen. I Read Them Already#but it was SUCH a joy to see how creatively pieces of book canon were being fleshed out and updated and rearranged#you could TELL how much the writers and directors love storytelling and love this story specifically and now. :(.#luv what s2 did for-fucking-ever tho. For-Fucking-Ever. i dont care that every single storyline was left unresolved#WHATTA SANDBOX. i guess this means i have free rein to write 'dark alina has two hands' fic#that does cheer me. no canon hollywood thing would involve polyamory bc we arent there yet#THE KITKAT VERSION THOUGH. IN MY HEAD IT'S SO OBNOXIOUS#shadow and bone#negative#i suppose
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Not to be too neg but s3 visuals aren’t that good either
#i mean its all subjective so if you think it looks good you arent wrong#this is just all my opinion#i think we were in an era of time where it was believed that bright colors = good visuals#and i do adore some of the shots especially the ones in els void#but tell me why mikes basement and hops cabin looked so YELLOW all the time#i love that scene with will in his wizard hat but why is the background so YELLOW#they also switched cameras and it just made everything look so superficial and maybe thats the point but idk#the season that felt the most netflix original. to me#stranger things
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watched some of the available scenes on youtube but honestly forgot how often people commented to ku.ro about how 'normal' mahi.ru was for an eve which, at the beginning is rather easy to relate to mahi.ru's simple outlook of life but also equivalates to how, before this, ku.ros life has always been alongside other supernatural beings.
#❛ ♡ › jupiter : 𝐨𝐨𝐜.#the main scenes on there that arent chara compilations are ku.ro and mahi.ru meeting when hes in human mode and#meeting lawl.ess and lich.t#and hearing lawle.ss say ' but your so normal ' as opposed to simple is so ....#damn the more you know everyone!! he really DID nail the nail in ku.ros coffin#deserved. i admit- man was already raging over the reminder of that day and now is forcibly reminded of the other person he left ... 5#stages of grief here.#but tbh early series kur.o is such an avoidant he just stays silent. and unresponsive and when the rage seeps out still looks dead inside#i forgot how powerful lich.t was tbh guys :(#me after seeing him slam ku.ro 5 times: yeah there was a REASON you got taken out early king you would have had them all crushed in no time#anyway happy wednesday i am fueling myself for the penultimate sv chapter that comes out this friday#( but will probs arrive for our records like next week )#the ending is. most likely going to be rushed but with this chapter being 40 pages and them getting that extra volume. i hope theyre able t#tell all they need.#if this is the end of the battle. im gonna sob ... if theyre all back with their loved ones ... im also gonna sob.#we will. ultimately see though!#were getting two more colour page spreads and an update TOMORROW on a drama cd#which might mean more canon voices for some of the cast????#EXCITED EXCITED.#i will probs finish up gaming and then message some people tonight#we've started hitting the xmas rush ( ppl want their teeth before christmas ... )#so its been busier and busier !
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no by all means keep judging cartoon villains solely by if they get redeemed in the end. i know some of us like to talk about other stuff like characterization or entertainment value or nuance as something that makes a good villain. but i think the only thing that actually matters is if the villain ends up on good terms with the protagonist at the end. all the Good TM cartoons with Good TM creators make the villains die a Horrible Death for being Abusers or whatever. and all the Bad TM cartoons with Bad TM creators Forgive Fascists by not making them get publicly executed by the 14 year old protagonist in front of the 8 year old target demographic.
i mean im so glad that more cartoons nowadays are subverting the psyop to support fascists that a few queer artists and queer shows definitely invented in 2017. there are so many popular cartoons doing that. it's almost like there are more properties killing their villains now and in the past than there ever were of properties that didn't do this. and it's almost like whether the villain gets redeemed at the end is more about the context of the story and its themes leading up to a narratively sound decision.
but you know. a few queer shows made by trans ppl were popular and they didn't kill their fascists and even had the gall to make them nuanced while also looking into the harm they did. guess it's trendy to forgive your abusers now because like two cartoons said so. out of like 40 other similarly high profile works that just straight up hit their villains with a bus or smth. by all means. keep heaping praise onto that one show about how they "let their villain just be evil" instead of talking about anything more interesting. that's so subversive, everyone's doing it!
#shut up pandora#check off my 'monthly rant about the treatment of the creators of steven universe and she ra'#this is because of the 'praise' ive been seeing for belos btw#yes i love his panache i love how much he fucks up everything and i love how hes beyond redemption#thats not because he was Born Evil and has always Been Evil???#ppl who show baby belos going out of his way to make calebs life a living hell and evelyn Rescuing this poor blond boy from his Evil Brothe#i am sending so many bad vibes at you rn#he isnt a good villain bc dana terrace decided to be 'subversive' by not redeeming belos#JUST being subversive while writing the story doesnt mean you make a good story being subversive =/= being good#hes a good villain because while his decisions are dogshit we can understand why he made them on an emotional level#and since gravity falls seems to be the golden standard for modern cartoons i guess#bill cipher also isnt a good villain bc hes evil and they killed him#bill is a good villain bc hes entertaining in the threat he poses#what makes a character a good villain is about stuff they do while theyre being a villain#dont just sum it up with 'duhhh they killed them at the end so its good' thats entirely dependent on the story!#anyway this is specifically about modern western cartoon fandoms#if youre telling me to watch shows that arent modern western cartoons or like. read a book then know that i do that already#this stuff isnt as big of a discourse topic in those circles but im talking about this specific circle rn
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Being self aware is literally hell I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
#diary#god I could rant about about this forever#tw mentions of assault in the tags dont read if that makes u uncomfortable#im kinda getting tired of people asking why i dont date 🤩 it sends me into a mental spiral hahahaaaaa#i just tell people im not looking for anything serious rn but its a big fat fucking lie because i DO want to date#but i think my nervous system is so shot from living with my dad still and he can be so emotionally abusive it's insane#it makes me not trust my judgement because shitty behavior is so normalized and i KNOW whats Right and Wrong but im so used to keeping the–#–peace because its a survival tactic for me and always has been#like when people like me i think one of two things usually:#1) they're genuinely interested in me and i hate myself so much i cant understand why anyone would like me#or 2) theyre interested in me for my body which is both easier to understand and terrifying because people in the past have hurt me because–#–they wanted to be with me. read between the lines for that one#because of how i grew up and what I've experienced i genuinely do not trust people. i trust no one fully and it kills me#i feel so fucking guilty all the time bc most people arent out to get you but that wasn't the case for me#i feel like i cant grow as a person because im stuck in a survival mindset. i KNOW why I people please and i hate it#i genuinely do love people and i want the best for them but its also ingrained into my head that if something is wrong it's My Fault#and there will be Consequences#back to dating though#there are so many reasons I do and dont want to date#i call myself a Helpless Romantic because there's no way I'll be dating in the near future. i cant just go on dates I have to know you for–#–a while and build trust. but what if it ends badly and im the idiot who cant take a goddamn hint and realise love isnt meant for someone–#–like me?#i grew up knowing my parents hated each other and “stayed together for the kids” whatever thet means. like that fucks with your mind#seeing my mom being mistreated by my dad made me snap out of the disney movie princess x prince charming daze everyone else was in as a kid#i realised very early on that relationships won't save you and can actually be the worst thing to ever happen to someone#theres more to this but ive already said enough lol. anyway
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Don't know whether it's a product of my upbringing or just part of who I am, but I really do tend to shrug off things that seem to send others into massive guilt spirals. Like, what's the point? Either you meant to do it or you didn't. If you meant to do it but regret it now, make what amends you can & resolve to do better, then move on. If you didn't mean to, be honest about it, apologize if need be, & try to do better. Then move on.
Beating yourself up truly serves no purpose. What are we, catholic? If there is a god, I truly don't think they'd care, anyways
#speculation nation#religion might have some part in it. i was taught a flavor of christianity that portrayed god as loving above all else.#portrayed god as *forgiving*. thats the point of jesus dying on the cross? forgiving your sins?#i was taught that so long as you tried to do good and believed in god then you would go to heaven.#none of that internalized guilt shit. it really serves no purpose.#this could potentially stem from prior abuse too. in which case. well. i hope people can break out of those patterns of thought. sincerely.#i have a history with abuse but idk ive run under a 'fuck those people' mentality. why should i run by the way they treated me?? genuinely.#no one person is singularly horrible and irredeemable. no not even you.#youre your harshest critic. you have front row seats to all ur nasty thoughts. things that most people dont say out loud.#everyone has nasty thoughts though. some more than others. but what matters is what you *do*. not what you think.#no one is gonna know any mean or awful thoughts you have if you dont tell them. thought crimes arent real. what matters is what you *do*.#and even for the things you do wrong. everyone makes mistakes. just work to do better next time.#genuinely makes me so sad to see polls asking about ppl's self perceptions & seeing majority of ppl so down on themselves.#like come on. i used to think i was an awful person bc i knew all the mean and kind of manipulative things id think.#but eventually i recognized that no one is perfect and everyone has ugly thoughts. just do your best to do good & learn from your mistakes.#if you do that much then youre a well-meaning human being. not perfect but no one is. that should be enough.#maybe if i exhibit enough of my 'idgaf' attitude about this kind of thing i can influence some other ppl with it as well. 🤔🤔 hmmm
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google how do i tell my dad that the reason i keep bringing up elon musk's transphobia isn't that i've got gen z political tunnel vision that makes me blind to his "innovation" in electric cars but because i am desperately crying out for you as the father of a trans child to feel just as outraged and angry as i am that that man has so much power
#edit: warning the tags get pretty personal whoops. however tumblr is like a diary to me so. but if discussions of father issues arent for u#it's not anything he's directly said but like. when we talk about it i can tell he's clinging to this like#image of musk as this inventor working for the good of humanity#because he's admired him for a long time and like i get it it's hard to let go of your heroes when it turns out they're trash#but. he's always been trash. is the thing. and i've been saying this.#and it would be nice to feel some solidarity! or support! or empathy idk!#and not like. lectures why tesla is actually progressive or why spacex is the best thing to happen to science since fucking penicillin#and sometimes ppl who push the world towards progress rub people the wrong way#god like. we were in the car the other day talking about it and i mentioned tesla moving to texas bc of the law protecting trans kids#and he mumbled something like well sure yeah he said that but Really... really it's about the taxes......#okay!! who give a shit! that's not the point! the point is that he's got fucking legions of alt right fanboys who hang off his every word#so when he says something that is good for trans people is actually dangerous and bad and hurts kids#and when he openly publicly deadnames and misgenders and LIES about his TRANS DAUGHTER. it's fucking dangerous! and it makes trans people#(IE ME. YOUR CHILD.)#feel unsafe!#it should get you angry! it should make you rethink how you saw him previously! it should make you want to stop supporting him!#idk. i mean my dad has never been like. against me being trans. and he's worked really hard on the pronouns and not deadnaming me#but it's stuff like this where it feels like he doesn't grasp how he's de-prioritizing my perspective as a trans person and.#his Child.#and how his first reaction to me starting t was 'no.. why would you do that :('#it just feels bad. i love him so much but it's shit like this that makes me feel like i don't matter to him or like i'm disappointing him#and then he gets confused when i tell him that i feel that way#wow! sorry for this. i should get serious about finding a therapist i dont think i knew i felt all this until i typed it out#im gonna add a tag at the beginning of this. as a warning. lolololol. lol. anyway#got 2 pick up my t tomorrow and also email my dr for more wellbutrin haha slay! hit the slay button. dispenses ssris.#god i'm so tired sorry i'm delirious actually. also i saw my brother this weekend which was so nice and he's such a weirdo which also#makes me weirder by proxy
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