#and yeah she's still depressed
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thinking about writing a little something in the original universe about abeke's adult life where she continues to deal with her grief over shane, who really did die in the burning tide. jumping around to different time periods: she's the new face of greencloak leadership, she's married (but her husband notably doesn't make an appearance), she has a daughter. her life is a dream. but with each of these milestones, she is reminded of shane. the person she might have had this life with if things had been different.
i don't usually like to delve into canon past the return because thinking about shane's death makes me feel sick to my stomach. but this is too good and beautiful and tragic of an idea to pass up.
#abeke might marry worthy in this bc i think that would be very interesting -#- how she might project her unresolved feelings for shane onto someone very much like him.#but i think more likely her husband will not be named. could be someone we know or just a random guy she met later on#a lot of this story would be up to interpretation#and yeah she's still depressed#and yeah she hasn't fully healed from all the trauma she went through as a child#so that manifests itself#it would then end with an elderly abeke on the brink of death being greeted at last by shane's spirit#blue-eyed and unmarred by crocodile scales#just the way she always remembered him#it would be something very bittersweet#the ideas i'm having are telling me i'd have a hard time writing this bc i'd just be bawling my eyes out the whole time#text#original erdas#spirit animals#spirit animals books#spirit animals series#abeke#shane#worthy
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enough strong bads... time for strong sads (theres still a strong bad here)
[image description: a page of drawings of a human design of strong sad from homestar runner, where she is depicted as a fat, tan-skinned trans woman with gray and brown hair pulled into a bun and multiple piercings. she is wearing a gray sweatshirt, jeans, and steel-toed combat boots, and next to her is a note stating that she is trans and bisexual and that her pronouns are she/they. next to that is a drawing of her smiling and wearing a sloshy t-shirt, and above that is a comic of strong bad poking her in the stomach and saying "even her gender is my hand-me-downs", to which she stays silently angry at him. end id]
#i really like how she came out actually. like Yeah she does look like a depressed 18-24 year old film major#i gave her steel-toed boots to sorta replicate her soolnds. sorta#and under her sweatshirt she does still have a scar from Lil Strong Bad Shenanigans#i wanted the bun to kinda be their weird lil head dollop#i imagine its a pretty loose bun so it flops around#im putting way too much thought into this. i just like strong sad :o]#doc talks#my art#homestar runner#hsr#h*r#strong sad#strong bad
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Who's the "real" me?
+ some references for the Rise-related things I included <3
#im reaaaally happy with this one hehe i had fun putting the stuff from different things shes had/worn#i feel like ppl overlook the massive identity crisis & the accompanying depression & internal conflict rise is going through during the gam#like shes trying to figure out who she is seperate from her idol image (which she constantly still clings to despite her insistance that sh#s done with it bc she does still crave that recognition and attention she got from that position. she literally breaks down crying when her#manager tells her kanami has taken her acting role and is more-or-less set to take her spot now)#and then she also struggles with finding what she wants to do with herself now that she doesnt have showbiz to worry about#i think she kinda unintentionally uses the investigation as an anchor for her to hold onto#something to keep her busy in the absence of the hustling idol life#and then she also like. again she keeps clinging to the idol image and the associated bubbly-ness and bold flirtation#because thats the ''her'' ppl liked#i dont think the way she acts during the game is ENTIRELY an act theres definitely a lot of her true self in it too#but she does have a lot of moments where she leans more heavily into the bubbly & flirty cutie act#her sl shows that for all that she wanted to retire from showbiz she isnt really ready just yet#bc she did actually enjoy being an idol. she did enjoy being able to reach out to people in this way & to finally have ppl like & accept he#the problem is she doesnt know who ''she'' is at this point#im rambling but u get my point. yeah. yeah#rise..............#rise kujikawa#persona#persona 4#p4#art#my art#xanders art#digital art#fan art
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yeah i don't think this is the kind of advertising rachel needs right now-
#again rachel doesn't really have anything to do directly with this situation BUT#cait still included LO as one of the series she inflated the rating of with 5 stars alongside her own book#correlation doesn't equal causation#but it's still really telling that these are the kinds of works cait simps for to the point of RATING THEM HIGHLY IN HER REVIEW BOMBING#when they're really so problematic and controversial at their core#and are laced with so much casual misogyny and racism#the latter of which cait has a LOT of#though 'casual' racism is really understating it#she promoted herself from casual to competitive ranked racism#and yeah that includes touch of darkness as well which she also rated high with her alts and it's literally just LO: The Wattpad Novel#cait corrain#oh and sidenote#her 'apology' was not a real apology at ALL lmao#it literally opened up IMMEDIATELY with her using her medication as an excuse#for RACISM#watch out y'all you don't wanna take the depression meds that come with racism as a side effect /s#lore olympus critical#lo critical#anti lore olympus
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i probably have some sort of dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#icarus speaks#like#i��m thinking back to all of middle/high school#where i just kept telling my doctors ‘yeah the depression medication is working like i’m chill now’#‘but i do not fucking feel connected to myself still’#babes i don’t think those were depressive symptoms 😭#i do not think it is normal to feel dissociated 24/7 king#but also this is not on me considering i explained what i now realize is dissociation to a T to my therapist at the time#and she literally went ‘wow that’s weird. never heard anyone feel like that before’#so i don’t think me not realizing this is probably a bigger issue and not me being hashtag quirky#for like 10 years#still insane to me to think back on that#my exact description to her was something like ‘there’s a glass wall between myself and the world including my own body and memories.’#���i can see them but something is keeping me from being able to connect with them like everyone else seems to be able to’#AND SHE REACTS LIKE THAT???#WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM HELLOOOO 😭#she genuinely set me back at least 8 years considering i did not accept that whay i feel is dissociation until like last year 😭
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like this has to be a thing right? It's a thing I experience at least. Please please please tell me abt ur experience if u do 🙏
#all the literature i find is like yeah pmdd can be mistaken for bipolar but then they dont talk abt mania or hypomania#so im like ??? wtf is happening?#i mean i wasnt looking that hard but its still weird to me bc i tell my mum i possibly had a hypomanic episode and she instantly was like#hm could b hormones and she was 1000% percent right bc it happens mostly in the days before bleeding starts#so like i cant b the only one out there. and it doesnt happen all the time. and usually its not that extreme#like id say its mostly just elevated mood and it mostly just lasts like 3 days or so. so i dont think it counts as hypomania. but thats wha#ill select bc i had one time that felt so fucking crazy it felt like there was something seriously wrong with me. it was fun tho#before i crashed so hard i had to leave work in the middle of the day bc i couldnt stop crying lol#anyway. im curious#menstruation#pmdd#pms#its always depression this depression that. why the fuck do i wanna run around in circles screaming until i die? riddle me that batman
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So many posts about Do Dahae being a manipulator and overall being hated by a lot of people but not any posts about Bok Gwiju being a deadbeat father, because why is Ina consistently walking to school and back home by herself alone at dark when that family is rich??? He very much felt ok driving to follow Dahae when he could’ve been driving his kid to school 🤨
Also, why are so many people convinced he’s already in love with Dahae??? I feel like I’m blind bc I can’t see it yet 😭
#I’m still enjoying the show but I’m annoyed with the misogyny being displayed by a large portion of the audience#yeah he’s got depression BUT WHAT ABOUT INA???#that girl has no one to rely on to the point this scammer might’ve been the first one she genuinely smiled to in a house full of her family#the atypical family
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IF HE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN SAVING EVERYONE OR LOVING HER AND BEING HAPPY HE CHOOSES HER EVERY TIME
#she did not look appropriately happy 😵💫#i mean. ok yeah itd kinda depressing. and i dont think its true that hes a worse doctor. BUT STILL!!!!!!#house md#house 7x14#greg house#lisa cuddy#huddy
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as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit
it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now
#re:kinder#fanart#aya re:kinder#aya hibino#i state shes my daughter NOW because before i didnt pay too big of a mind to her#but honestly in each different playthrough of this game i gain new appreciation for each character#because fun fact ryou was my favorite character at first just because he seemed nice and was a healer and was nice#second playthrough brought in rei and shunsuke in my mind because they ate it up wirh their roles in the story#meanwhile as time passed yuuichi started to grow on me as i realized he was a little too relatable BASICALLY THINGS LIKE THAT#and spoilers for the unspecified project mentioned in the text just because i feel like it#i also did this because having a transcript of every line just spurred me on becquse of how easy it made things#its much more fun to start doing these kind of line based doodles when you dont have to manually go througj hours of gameplay to find stuff#so just being ablr to ctrl f through a document made me very glad HEUEHEHEBEHR#im still working on it it needs proofreading and polishing on some sides but overall it should be here soon i hope#if anyones interested in it do let me know HUEHEHEBRB i will post it regardless but it would be nice to know if anyone is interested#ANYWAY#as to why Aya seems to have a purse when her sprite doesnt its because her equipment mentions her carrying a yellow pouch#its meant to be that!!!#she looks very goofy with it on made me giggle ngl#(as in. amusement)#it adds more interest to her visual design so its nice to have it there im glad its there#OH YEAH SOME COMMENTARY ON ONE OF HER LINES HERE THAT REALLY PIQUED MY INTEREST#if sayaka dies and shes there to see it (thus. you chose to bring her with you) she has this line#where it implies that shes afraid of dying which makes things sad when she's suicidal#she already states i think her desire is more to disappear than to die exactly but even then it's quite sad#like even if she wants to disappear with how gloomy she's feeling and all the things going around with her parents#shes just a little girl who doesn't want to die😭😭#it really adds a sense of realism to how depression is tackled in game at least for me#that when one is depressed and suicidal a lot of the time it's the wish for this state of suffering to end rather than to actually die#SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER ITS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT UPPED MY APPRECIATION FOR HER
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I think it's also interesting to see how things change depending on the time in which they're being engaged with. so I see things about rose today that point out that she's written to be 19 when she meets the doctor and that's a big age difference (which... I understand the point is it's a big age difference because billie piper was 23 and eccleston was 40, and then dtennant was like 34/35 when he started which isn't so big of a shift but anyway the optics I get what people are getting at, but also I think it does oversimplify a lot of what's actually going on in the written dynamic, anyway-)
and also that the rtd run's Themes start coming together properly around s3 (although they are present from day one), and in some ways at this point, because nu!who has been running for... fuckn. actually quite a few years, which is wild to me as someone who started watching as a kid, and I wonder if classic!who fans felt the same way about their show and anyway -- she shifts from being Literally The First Companion You'd Seen For 17 Years (not counting the movie and fan things and the sketch) Who Was Defining A New Era For A New Generation to... a companion
comparable to other companions, comparable to the rest of the show
we sift through the writing to see what worked and what didn't (in our opinion), and we know how the ten-and-rose storyline Really ends, and how the ten storyline ends (sort, of because now that doctor and donna are Back), and we know what happens afterwards, and we talk about tenrose with a 2020s eye, and rose is "just" one of the people that travels with the doctor, one of several, and notably the one who gets most of the sunshiney doctor that buries a lot of the (wonderfully portrayed) angst of the latter half of the rtd show, and doesn't have as much lore as everything after that, so the story is "just" more simple overall
and to me she's kind of incapable of being just that. doctor who was still a risk that first season, it wasn't a done deal that it would have legs at all, never mind that it would continue for as long as it has. rose was created to be the Face of what nu!who was, moreso than nine/eccleston, because even with the extra angst and the eccleston gravitas, we know the doctor, the doctor is established, it's not actually the doctor that needs to sell what the new show is going to become and what the Feel of that new show is going to be (I mean, partly ofc, but-)
rose was doing so much heavy lifting and she succeeded! she was the face of who before dtennant or any other doctor or companion of his era and subsequent eras. she was created to appeal to a demographic of girls who wanted someone relatable in science fiction, because rtd wanted this to be for the girls, and billie piper came into it off the back of being a popstar and it changed her entire trajectory (for the better I think/hope -- there's a lot of bad shit in billie piper's past and I'm always sending her a fond thought)
nine/ten-and-rose were It! not calling it romantic or platonic or any secret third thing (haunting the narrative), but simply It! that's why it has so much staying power as a ship (which, my opinion on shipping has been somewhat *eh shrug* in later years, but in early-days when that was how you engaged with dynamics that got to you, of course it was going to be massive). it's so hard to properly describe how "for the time in which it was made" that this dynamic was written for, and how successful it was. it was rose that breathed doctor who -- and the doctor's character -- to life, as much as herself
she sets the stage for everything that comes next, both within and without the show proper
and I'm always so pleased that rtd at the time was thinking about what was needed to create this character and he opened with a shot from a girl on the estate with messy hair, clumpy eyeliner, and a minimum wage job, and went "that's the girl who's going to go on the adventure of a lifetime, that's the girl we're seeing the story through and relating to, because that's what girls (and uh... those who were girls at the time - and their parents and the boys) should be seeing."
I know rose isn't the first working class companion including classic!who, but she set the tone for nu!who and her family and background are important to why she is who she is, and is explored
"I've got no A-levels, no job, no future-" said the girl about to see the universe
she was very much for teenagers, and so she reads differently when you're an adult watching it back (much like those "teenager saves the world," novels you loved as a kid), but that's why she's 19 at the beginning. that's why she's billie piper (who does a perfect job). she was there to bring a new generation into this story, and it was perfect. and then she grows up. and we grew up. and she had adventures and it was brilliant and she survived and she made a life for herself. that's her story
#doctor who#dw#rose tyler#of course 2005 who is a simpler story#and of course rose is basically still a kid#because it was (is?) for the kids who were going to be taken along for a much much bigger story over a longer space of time#when i started watching i didnt know what a dalek or a timelord or a tardis was#and i didnt know what sort of adventures dw was known for and ofc nobody watching knew where it would go#it was brand new -- rose in my head is always that brand newness#before you get to the more complex narratives of martha and donna#and the more in-depth lore of s5-onwards#there was a girl on an estate seeing the future stretch on and on -- and then she embraced the future and grew up#and it wasn't all happy all the time of course and the ending may have been quite bittersweet but that's also growing up#it's a growing up story that isn't depressing! crucially!#and yeah it includes falling in love with an incarnation of a near-immortal alien and getting with that alien's other human self#and also inhabiting some element of a godlike being/self that maintains an eternal connection with said alien in some way#it's a bit fanfic-y for good reason#i cannot overstate how much she means to me Because i saw her as a kid and she made the future seem possible#long post
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Me? Well, I've... I've mostly been a loner.
#oz hbo#hbo oz#my gifs#miguel alvarez#cathy jo cutler#kirk acevedo#you know the first time i saw this show i was like I can't believe they gave miguel a love interest who's a nazi wife 💀 that's so darksided#but now i'm like eh i guess i get it.... she does have beautiful hair and face.....#i mean i still think it was darksided but lol whatev#I understand these are not angles the writers think about lol#anyway this answer continues to slay me for multiple reasons#Due to how long it takes miguel to FUCKING ANSWER#yeah he's down.... a ............guy......(succumbs to thought).........overdosed....... close friend? ..........ya know.......#the fic i'm working on rn is very much friendship building so just from that angle i'm like Ahghh#if i was writing the friendship building from His pov i guess it would be like: mostly* (*until recently. but now it's gone again maybe)#also perhaps the distance of saying A guy overdosed makes it less depressing or somethn i means he's already down i suppose why wallow.#mostly been a loner. up until quite recently. but then a guy overdosed. etc. bc if he was your friend that means your friend ODed :\
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Hey guys, after much deliberation, I'm gonna be going by they/she pronouns from this point on! Thank you for reading (if you have).
#personal#'After much deliberation' means I've been tired of having to correct people and it's reached that point where I don't care.#And I don't mean that in a depressing way! My gender is still very much 'Whatever man' but yeah.#I know the format is 'she/they' typically but I do still prefer everyone using they pronouns for me but if you use she I'm not gonna be mad#Putting the pronouns I PREFER first y'know?#Anyway thank you. :)
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Decided it was about time I faced my fears head on... Foreshortening. I am coming for you. >:D
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
#art#artists on tumblr#do i count as an artist?#i reckon i do.#fanartist predominantly#but like.#i have sold stuff ive drawn before#so i can also count as an artist in the professional capacity i guess#Ye.#oc#oc art#HEH#don't really know much about her#just that i needed a vessel for my action related concept art#and she fit the bill#i like drawing that type of clothing#so yeah.#i was reading a bunch of depressing vaguely dystopian fanfic at the time#(when i first came up with her i mean-)#and buildings are conveniently square#and easy to draw. so there you are#:)#fun fact. it took me three hours to save this.#because photoshop kept on freezing.#>:)#*widens eyes in slightly deranged smiling frustration-#i figured it out. i just needed to increase the memory#but STILL#-_-
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meryl streep, specifically in the french lieutenant's woman (1981), is who i would fancast if there were ever a perfect mary shelley biopic that could transcend time & space…
#the fact that saoirse ronan almost played her#sophie turner is the only other viable choice so i hope she still does the new movie if it goes thru#we got evan rachel wood on the drunk history and that was also good#but soph wld be lit perfect casting#if anyone has seen her play sansa stark in GoT#the depression the hope etc#anyway yeah#mary shelley#mary wollstonecraft shelley#mary godwin#the french lieutenant’s woman#meryl streep#fancast#literature#english literature#romanticism#poetry#aesthetic#dark academia#history#writing#biopic#gothic literature#goth#gothic#frankenstein
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I have an unending hatred for those microwave dinners like why are the bbq ones the only ones that taste like anything
"spaghetti and meatballs" oh you mean starch noodles with tomato water and flavorless pieces of meat?
#AND THEN I END UP EATING MICROWAVE CHICKEN TENDERS FOR THE MILLIONS TIME IN A ROW#I HATE NOT BEING ABLE TO COOK. WHY DID THE ENTIRE KITCHEN HAVE TO NEED AN EMERGENCY REMODEL. WHY ARE WE SO OVERBOOKED THAT ITS NOT DONE YET.#IVE HAD NO KITCHEN SINCE APRIL FOOLS DAY. THATS 6 MONTHS. HALF A YEAR WITH NO KITCHEN. HALF A YEAR WITH FLAVORLESS MICROWAVE FOOD#LIKE YEAH ID PROBABLY STILL END UP EATING A LOT OF MICROWAVED STUFF CAUSE OF LIKE. DEPRESSION AND ALL THAT BUT I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE CHOICE!#AND WHEN I USED TO HAVE A KITCHEN I COULD ALSO ASK OME OF MY SISTERS TO COOK FOR ME BC ONE OF THEM ACTUALLY ENJOYS DOING THAT FOR PEOPLE#AND THE OTHER ONE IS JUST NICE TO ME WHEN SHE KNOWS IM TIRED. GOD I LOVE MY SISTERS. GOD I HATE HAVING NO KITCHEN.#AND I KNOW ITS NOT GONNA BE FIXED WITHIN THIS YEAR. AS MUCH AD MY DAD SAYS HES GONNA TRY TO I KNOW WE'RE GONNA KEEP BEING OVERBOOKED#AND EVEN WORSE! THE KITCHEN ISN'T THE ONLY ROOM MISSING! HALF THE HOUSE IS STORAGE RN FOR ALL THE STUFF THAT WAS KEPT IN THE KITCHEN!#PLUS THE ELECTRICAL IS BEING REDONE SO THERES LIKE MAYBE 3 WORKING OUTLETS IN THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE. NONE OF WHICH ARE IN MY ROOM#hhhhhh anyways yeah sorry for the random rant i should probably put my ooc tag#ohio breaks the 4th wall#but ohio would probably also not like microwave dinners#rant
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