#and yeah she's still depressed
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thinking about writing a little something in the original universe about abeke's adult life where she continues to deal with her grief over shane, who really did die in the burning tide. jumping around to different time periods: she's the new face of greencloak leadership, she's married (but her husband notably doesn't make an appearance), she has a daughter. her life is a dream. but with each of these milestones, she is reminded of shane. the person she might have had this life with if things had been different.
i don't usually like to delve into canon past the return because thinking about shane's death makes me feel sick to my stomach. but this is too good and beautiful and tragic of an idea to pass up.
#abeke might marry worthy in this bc i think that would be very interesting -#- how she might project her unresolved feelings for shane onto someone very much like him.#but i think more likely her husband will not be named. could be someone we know or just a random guy she met later on#a lot of this story would be up to interpretation#and yeah she's still depressed#and yeah she hasn't fully healed from all the trauma she went through as a child#so that manifests itself#it would then end with an elderly abeke on the brink of death being greeted at last by shane's spirit#blue-eyed and unmarred by crocodile scales#just the way she always remembered him#it would be something very bittersweet#the ideas i'm having are telling me i'd have a hard time writing this bc i'd just be bawling my eyes out the whole time#text#original erdas#spirit animals#spirit animals books#spirit animals series#abeke#shane#worthy
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enough strong bads... time for strong sads (theres still a strong bad here)
[image description: a page of drawings of a human design of strong sad from homestar runner, where she is depicted as a fat, tan-skinned trans woman with gray and brown hair pulled into a bun and multiple piercings. she is wearing a gray sweatshirt, jeans, and steel-toed combat boots, and next to her is a note stating that she is trans and bisexual and that her pronouns are she/they. next to that is a drawing of her smiling and wearing a sloshy t-shirt, and above that is a comic of strong bad poking her in the stomach and saying "even her gender is my hand-me-downs", to which she stays silently angry at him. end id]
#i really like how she came out actually. like Yeah she does look like a depressed 18-24 year old film major#i gave her steel-toed boots to sorta replicate her soolnds. sorta#and under her sweatshirt she does still have a scar from Lil Strong Bad Shenanigans#i wanted the bun to kinda be their weird lil head dollop#i imagine its a pretty loose bun so it flops around#im putting way too much thought into this. i just like strong sad :o]#doc talks#my art#homestar runner#hsr#h*r#strong sad#strong bad
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Looking cute af in my psychiatrist's office today 💅
#thefatfemme#Didn't intend to be in Maya Kern everything but they're just all my favorites 😂#fatshion#Plus size fashion#Fat fashion#OOTD#Outfit of the day#What's fun is when I went in to do the usual 'the meds still working? ' 'yup still working' 'ok see you in six months' thing#My psych asked if I'd been feeling heightened anxiety or depression#And I went 'yeah but mostly about the US election and Palestine and the general state of things and I don't think that's my brain's fault'#And she goes 'nope that's understandable I'm there too do you need any med adjustments or help processing or are you ok' she's so good
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yeah i don't think this is the kind of advertising rachel needs right now-
#again rachel doesn't really have anything to do directly with this situation BUT#cait still included LO as one of the series she inflated the rating of with 5 stars alongside her own book#correlation doesn't equal causation#but it's still really telling that these are the kinds of works cait simps for to the point of RATING THEM HIGHLY IN HER REVIEW BOMBING#when they're really so problematic and controversial at their core#and are laced with so much casual misogyny and racism#the latter of which cait has a LOT of#though 'casual' racism is really understating it#she promoted herself from casual to competitive ranked racism#and yeah that includes touch of darkness as well which she also rated high with her alts and it's literally just LO: The Wattpad Novel#cait corrain#oh and sidenote#her 'apology' was not a real apology at ALL lmao#it literally opened up IMMEDIATELY with her using her medication as an excuse#for RACISM#watch out y'all you don't wanna take the depression meds that come with racism as a side effect /s#lore olympus critical#lo critical#anti lore olympus
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i probably have some sort of dissociative disorder but i have a job so idrc about that rn
#icarus speaks#like#i’m thinking back to all of middle/high school#where i just kept telling my doctors ‘yeah the depression medication is working like i’m chill now’#‘but i do not fucking feel connected to myself still’#babes i don’t think those were depressive symptoms 😭#i do not think it is normal to feel dissociated 24/7 king#but also this is not on me considering i explained what i now realize is dissociation to a T to my therapist at the time#and she literally went ‘wow that’s weird. never heard anyone feel like that before’#so i don’t think me not realizing this is probably a bigger issue and not me being hashtag quirky#for like 10 years#still insane to me to think back on that#my exact description to her was something like ‘there’s a glass wall between myself and the world including my own body and memories.’#‘i can see them but something is keeping me from being able to connect with them like everyone else seems to be able to’#AND SHE REACTS LIKE THAT???#WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR LICENSE FROM HELLOOOO 😭#she genuinely set me back at least 8 years considering i did not accept that whay i feel is dissociation until like last year 😭
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IF HE HAD TO CHOOSE BETWEEN SAVING EVERYONE OR LOVING HER AND BEING HAPPY HE CHOOSES HER EVERY TIME
#she did not look appropriately happy 😵💫#i mean. ok yeah itd kinda depressing. and i dont think its true that hes a worse doctor. BUT STILL!!!!!!#house md#house 7x14#greg house#lisa cuddy#huddy
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it's not sinking in that today might be the last day in my house and town for many months to come
#like how do i even feel#on one hand im excited because like now that i finally agreed to dads stupid whims he technically will have to give in to things#ive been wanting since FOREVER like going to the gym#plus it's impossible to eat junk food when he's there he won't even let me kacchi maggi because maida hai bimar ho jayegi#and aadhe se zyada din toh pyaaz ye sab nahi kha sakte so it rules out any outside food#which is so good because like i just found out im pre diabetic lol#like borderline sugar like ab kuch nahi kiya toh seedha type 2 diabetes#so i need to eat healthy or ill literally die#i mean eventually but whatever being diagnosed with this in my 20s would kill me#also simply the fear of living with him is so much that i HAVE to study#and i want to now it's high time#but yeah want doesn't really work for me#i read a quote somewhere that 'goals' don't mean anything because winners and losers have the same goals#and i was like WOAH. like the person who gets an all india rank had the same goal as me: to pass the exam with good marks#but they succeeded and i didn't so it's isn't our goals that differentiate us#which ik is obvious but like still idk put things in perspective#anyway yeah that way my life MIGHT be fixed#but there's also living ALONE with my sociopathic FATHER who has more mood swings than me on pms#and being cut off frm the rest of civilisation and yk developed roads and buildings and ice cream shops#i guess it is mostly food ig :( which is good like the most junk food i can eat there is a burger from a nearby stall and that's pretty#much it they literally do not even have havmor or anything in walking distance forget scoop wali ice cream#but i like my bed and i like my ceiling with the stars and i like looking out of my window and knowing that the first ever crush of my life#lives right next to me and i like knowing that ill meet my bestfriend atleast once a month#i don't really love my mom or my brother tbh but idk maybe ill miss them it's weird ive never lived without them#i don't know i really hope that this is like a boot camp kota types experience rather than so much isolation that i sink deep into#depression. but then ive hit pretty shocking lows this year so hopefully i can handle it#my sister did say that when she lived alone with him for a month it was quite peaceful and okay because he usually gets more angry when mom#is around warna mostly he's fine#i don't know i don't know bhagwan ji please ab aur mushkil mat banana life bohot jhatke de chuke ho already ab pls#mujhe apni galtiyo ko sudharne ka mauka dena 🙏
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I feel like I'm losing my mind. Like this has to be a thing right? It's a thing I experience at least. Please please please tell me abt ur experience if u do 🙏
#all the literature i find is like yeah pmdd can be mistaken for bipolar but then they dont talk abt mania or hypomania#so im like ??? wtf is happening?#i mean i wasnt looking that hard but its still weird to me bc i tell my mum i possibly had a hypomanic episode and she instantly was like#hm could b hormones and she was 1000% percent right bc it happens mostly in the days before bleeding starts#so like i cant b the only one out there. and it doesnt happen all the time. and usually its not that extreme#like id say its mostly just elevated mood and it mostly just lasts like 3 days or so. so i dont think it counts as hypomania. but thats wha#ill select bc i had one time that felt so fucking crazy it felt like there was something seriously wrong with me. it was fun tho#before i crashed so hard i had to leave work in the middle of the day bc i couldnt stop crying lol#anyway. im curious#menstruation#pmdd#pms#its always depression this depression that. why the fuck do i wanna run around in circles screaming until i die? riddle me that batman
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So many posts about Do Dahae being a manipulator and overall being hated by a lot of people but not any posts about Bok Gwiju being a deadbeat father, because why is Ina consistently walking to school and back home by herself alone at dark when that family is rich??? He very much felt ok driving to follow Dahae when he could’ve been driving his kid to school 🤨
Also, why are so many people convinced he’s already in love with Dahae??? I feel like I’m blind bc I can’t see it yet 😭
#I’m still enjoying the show but I’m annoyed with the misogyny being displayed by a large portion of the audience#yeah he’s got depression BUT WHAT ABOUT INA???#that girl has no one to rely on to the point this scammer might’ve been the first one she genuinely smiled to in a house full of her family#the atypical family
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sorry i’m not done talking about chaos walking actually. i’m just thinking about todd hewitt as a ya sci-fi protagonist like you just open the book as a 12 year old or whatever and you’re like can’t wait to read about this young hero’s thrilling adventures on this far off planet! okay he’s illiterate. oh he’s mean to his dog. ok he self harms. oh now he’s committing a hate crime. and that’s like. before we even get to book two and the whole complicit in a genocidal regime situation. todd hewitt the character that you are 🫶
#chaos walking#interesting complicated characters my beloveddddddddd#also todd’s self harm is like very much not talked abt enough in my opinion.#patrick ness does an incredible job of capturing the need to externalize your pain and the idea of depression as anger turned inward#pain and grief and rage being too much and hating yourself more than anything for all of it. like yeah#feeling like you’re not enough and punishing yourself for it.#so furious and devastated about whatever it is in your life with nowhere to put those feelings so you turn it all back on yourself#because what else can you do?#you can never be angrier at anyone more than yourself. no one can destroy you more than yourself.#oooouuughh it’s sooooooo good. it’s sooooo good. being a mentally ill teenager is really Like That#because literally of course todd is mentally ill. of course. in the circumstances in which he grew up literally who wouldn’t be#like everything abt his life was already traumatic. and then he goes through more truly unspeakable trauma#whole second half of book two he’s fully just passively suicidal.#but love and connection saves him. viola saves him!! which is why the loss of her in book 2 is so devastating.#he was shown what life could feel like. what it should feel like. and it was not only taken away but corrupted (in his mind).#she was his salvation and then not only abandoned him but put him thru the most horror he’d ever seen (spackle genocide) (he believed)#but still she comes back. still she saves him. and her love is bigger than the trauma than the rage than the pain than anything.#you need to love something so much that you can never be controlled.#anyway!!! patrick ness i am in your walls
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as a little treat i am sharing with you little Aya doodles I've done over the last few days to unwind ww just little expressions based on lines in-game because those are always fun to draw. nothing too special just biscuit
it's Aya because upon doing bizarrely throughout playthroughs of the game for still unspecified project purposes I've gained a soft spot for her she's my daughter now my mental tier list on my favorite characters is so confusing right now
#re:kinder#fanart#aya re:kinder#aya hibino#i state shes my daughter NOW because before i didnt pay too big of a mind to her#but honestly in each different playthrough of this game i gain new appreciation for each character#because fun fact ryou was my favorite character at first just because he seemed nice and was a healer and was nice#second playthrough brought in rei and shunsuke in my mind because they ate it up wirh their roles in the story#meanwhile as time passed yuuichi started to grow on me as i realized he was a little too relatable BASICALLY THINGS LIKE THAT#and spoilers for the unspecified project mentioned in the text just because i feel like it#i also did this because having a transcript of every line just spurred me on becquse of how easy it made things#its much more fun to start doing these kind of line based doodles when you dont have to manually go througj hours of gameplay to find stuff#so just being ablr to ctrl f through a document made me very glad HEUEHEHEBEHR#im still working on it it needs proofreading and polishing on some sides but overall it should be here soon i hope#if anyones interested in it do let me know HUEHEHEBRB i will post it regardless but it would be nice to know if anyone is interested#ANYWAY#as to why Aya seems to have a purse when her sprite doesnt its because her equipment mentions her carrying a yellow pouch#its meant to be that!!!#she looks very goofy with it on made me giggle ngl#(as in. amusement)#it adds more interest to her visual design so its nice to have it there im glad its there#OH YEAH SOME COMMENTARY ON ONE OF HER LINES HERE THAT REALLY PIQUED MY INTEREST#if sayaka dies and shes there to see it (thus. you chose to bring her with you) she has this line#where it implies that shes afraid of dying which makes things sad when she's suicidal#she already states i think her desire is more to disappear than to die exactly but even then it's quite sad#like even if she wants to disappear with how gloomy she's feeling and all the things going around with her parents#shes just a little girl who doesn't want to die😭😭#it really adds a sense of realism to how depression is tackled in game at least for me#that when one is depressed and suicidal a lot of the time it's the wish for this state of suffering to end rather than to actually die#SUCH A GOOD CHARACTER ITS ONE OF THE THINGS THAT UPPED MY APPRECIATION FOR HER
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it will never not be funny to me when a “I would NEVER bully someone for being autistic! I’m not ableist!” person that I know has bullied me before finds out that I’m being evaluated for autism because it’s always either the stunned silence and “but I was never THAT mean to you” (yes you were) or the “no you’re not! you’re so normal!” (then why did you call me weird and talk shit behind my back?) or the “yeah, we could tell” (ooo go ahead and lean into it, be the bitch I always knew you were)
#Personal posts#I’ve been through it with my therapist lemme tell you#at first we were like: anxiety and depression#then we were like: bipolar disorder?#and now we’re like: autism….. yeah gotta be autism.#she’s a social worker tho so not technically a psych so she’s not allowed to give me an official diagnosis#and thus I’m not allowed to go around and claim it publicly obviously because a specialist has not made this determination yet#but I’m so sure dude#like I am hitting every fucking diagnostic criteria in the DSM-5#it’s way too fucking accurate#like with the BPD and the OCD and the PTSD it was like “yeah no it’s definitely symptomatic it’s for sure a LOT of symptoms”#but it also was always missing something yknow? Like it was never totally accurate to me#autism is like the explanation of all of my problems…#I am diagnosed ADHD so I do still claim being neurodivergent#I personally think I’m AuDHD#because there’s no way I’m not also ADHD#ADHD is also way too fucking accurate to me#and also scientifically adderall would not work on me if I wasn’t ADHD#Anyway!#delete later
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deciding my favorite genre of book is children’s historical fiction… nothing else hits like it sorry… yeah yeah adult historical fiction is fine. not my favorite though…
#i love to read about some grubby little 12 year old finding out about racism or economic inequality or something#ok being an american girl doll child may have affected me long term. yeah that’s the source probably#someday i’ll buy myself that rebecca doll and finally be happy…. rebecca you’ll ALWAYS have fans as long as i’m here….#sorry to julie and ivy. who i do own and love dearly#i just wish i also had rebecca… or molly or kaya…#yeah yeah kit kitteregde. we’ve all seen her. no offense to the queen of the great depression but she’s too popular for me…#that’s also why i’m not a samantha girl. or even felicity. too big. it’s gauche to be a samantha girl….#sorry to all samantha girls. but you knowwww you’re basic get serious here#not saying samantha is bad. i just think the popular ones are too overexposed#and none of them have ivy’s swag anyway#<- girl who’s favorite doll is so niche she’s not even a main doll she’s julie’s bff doll….#i’m a julie girl because i’m first and foremost an ivy girl… they’re a matching set fr#and i still think it’s crazy they never made julie’s blue chinese new year dress. bonkers!#they made ivy’s red one no problem but god forbid my girls match i guess 🙄#yeah yeah i get why they didn’t. still wish they had matching outfits though#anyway. children’s historical fiction. that’s where the heat is!
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I think it's also interesting to see how things change depending on the time in which they're being engaged with. so I see things about rose today that point out that she's written to be 19 when she meets the doctor and that's a big age difference (which... I understand the point is it's a big age difference because billie piper was 23 and eccleston was 40, and then dtennant was like 34/35 when he started which isn't so big of a shift but anyway the optics I get what people are getting at, but also I think it does oversimplify a lot of what's actually going on in the written dynamic, anyway-)
and also that the rtd run's Themes start coming together properly around s3 (although they are present from day one), and in some ways at this point, because nu!who has been running for... fuckn. actually quite a few years, which is wild to me as someone who started watching as a kid, and I wonder if classic!who fans felt the same way about their show and anyway -- she shifts from being Literally The First Companion You'd Seen For 17 Years (not counting the movie and fan things and the sketch) Who Was Defining A New Era For A New Generation to... a companion
comparable to other companions, comparable to the rest of the show
we sift through the writing to see what worked and what didn't (in our opinion), and we know how the ten-and-rose storyline Really ends, and how the ten storyline ends (sort, of because now that doctor and donna are Back), and we know what happens afterwards, and we talk about tenrose with a 2020s eye, and rose is "just" one of the people that travels with the doctor, one of several, and notably the one who gets most of the sunshiney doctor that buries a lot of the (wonderfully portrayed) angst of the latter half of the rtd show, and doesn't have as much lore as everything after that, so the story is "just" more simple overall
and to me she's kind of incapable of being just that. doctor who was still a risk that first season, it wasn't a done deal that it would have legs at all, never mind that it would continue for as long as it has. rose was created to be the Face of what nu!who was, moreso than nine/eccleston, because even with the extra angst and the eccleston gravitas, we know the doctor, the doctor is established, it's not actually the doctor that needs to sell what the new show is going to become and what the Feel of that new show is going to be (I mean, partly ofc, but-)
rose was doing so much heavy lifting and she succeeded! she was the face of who before dtennant or any other doctor or companion of his era and subsequent eras. she was created to appeal to a demographic of girls who wanted someone relatable in science fiction, because rtd wanted this to be for the girls, and billie piper came into it off the back of being a popstar and it changed her entire trajectory (for the better I think/hope -- there's a lot of bad shit in billie piper's past and I'm always sending her a fond thought)
nine/ten-and-rose were It! not calling it romantic or platonic or any secret third thing (haunting the narrative), but simply It! that's why it has so much staying power as a ship (which, my opinion on shipping has been somewhat *eh shrug* in later years, but in early-days when that was how you engaged with dynamics that got to you, of course it was going to be massive). it's so hard to properly describe how "for the time in which it was made" that this dynamic was written for, and how successful it was. it was rose that breathed doctor who -- and the doctor's character -- to life, as much as herself
she sets the stage for everything that comes next, both within and without the show proper
and I'm always so pleased that rtd at the time was thinking about what was needed to create this character and he opened with a shot from a girl on the estate with messy hair, clumpy eyeliner, and a minimum wage job, and went "that's the girl who's going to go on the adventure of a lifetime, that's the girl we're seeing the story through and relating to, because that's what girls (and uh... those who were girls at the time - and their parents and the boys) should be seeing."
I know rose isn't the first working class companion including classic!who, but she set the tone for nu!who and her family and background are important to why she is who she is, and is explored
"I've got no A-levels, no job, no future-" said the girl about to see the universe
she was very much for teenagers, and so she reads differently when you're an adult watching it back (much like those "teenager saves the world," novels you loved as a kid), but that's why she's 19 at the beginning. that's why she's billie piper (who does a perfect job). she was there to bring a new generation into this story, and it was perfect. and then she grows up. and we grew up. and she had adventures and it was brilliant and she survived and she made a life for herself. that's her story
#doctor who#dw#rose tyler#of course 2005 who is a simpler story#and of course rose is basically still a kid#because it was (is?) for the kids who were going to be taken along for a much much bigger story over a longer space of time#when i started watching i didnt know what a dalek or a timelord or a tardis was#and i didnt know what sort of adventures dw was known for and ofc nobody watching knew where it would go#it was brand new -- rose in my head is always that brand newness#before you get to the more complex narratives of martha and donna#and the more in-depth lore of s5-onwards#there was a girl on an estate seeing the future stretch on and on -- and then she embraced the future and grew up#and it wasn't all happy all the time of course and the ending may have been quite bittersweet but that's also growing up#it's a growing up story that isn't depressing! crucially!#and yeah it includes falling in love with an incarnation of a near-immortal alien and getting with that alien's other human self#and also inhabiting some element of a godlike being/self that maintains an eternal connection with said alien in some way#it's a bit fanfic-y for good reason#i cannot overstate how much she means to me Because i saw her as a kid and she made the future seem possible#long post
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Me? Well, I've... I've mostly been a loner.
#oz hbo#hbo oz#my gifs#miguel alvarez#cathy jo cutler#kirk acevedo#you know the first time i saw this show i was like I can't believe they gave miguel a love interest who's a nazi wife 💀 that's so darksided#but now i'm like eh i guess i get it.... she does have beautiful hair and face.....#i mean i still think it was darksided but lol whatev#I understand these are not angles the writers think about lol#anyway this answer continues to slay me for multiple reasons#Due to how long it takes miguel to FUCKING ANSWER#yeah he's down.... a ............guy......(succumbs to thought).........overdosed....... close friend? ..........ya know.......#the fic i'm working on rn is very much friendship building so just from that angle i'm like Ahghh#if i was writing the friendship building from His pov i guess it would be like: mostly* (*until recently. but now it's gone again maybe)#also perhaps the distance of saying A guy overdosed makes it less depressing or somethn i means he's already down i suppose why wallow.#mostly been a loner. up until quite recently. but then a guy overdosed. etc. bc if he was your friend that means your friend ODed :\
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Hey guys, after much deliberation, I'm gonna be going by they/she pronouns from this point on! Thank you for reading (if you have).
#personal#'After much deliberation' means I've been tired of having to correct people and it's reached that point where I don't care.#And I don't mean that in a depressing way! My gender is still very much 'Whatever man' but yeah.#I know the format is 'she/they' typically but I do still prefer everyone using they pronouns for me but if you use she I'm not gonna be mad#Putting the pronouns I PREFER first y'know?#Anyway thank you. :)
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