#and work out or get a job or my license
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making a new post bc the other one is pretty bulky, im about to be severely overdrafted when i pay my rent in a few days and i really really really cant let that happen :( pls if you have anything to spare i'd appreciate it, im in the process of finding a new job because my current one refuses to give me hours. im transmasc and i dont have a car so finding a job has been difficult but im doing everything i can to make ends meet. even just spreading this around helps
pp: paypal.me/bewearrr
vnm: tobias_leviathan
thank you 🥺💕
90/450
#ive been rejected from multiple jobs simply because I don't have a car. even the ones i dont need to travel for#i have drivers license and a bus route but thats not good enough#its not like i even tell them i dont have a car either like they Find Out or theres some situation where i have to disclose that info#which feels illegal but whatever#anyways i am so fucking hopeless for the future im so terrified idk how im gonna pay my bills next month#ive tried asking for more hours at my current job but they dont care!!!! they dont fucking care!!!!!#idk how i went from having full time hours to working one day a week so suddenly but i hate it#and the worst part is theyre really guilt trippy about it and the managers are constantly talking abt it in the group chat#like they have all these extreme standards they only give you hours if you go way above and beyond in every aspect#even my good coworkers have been getting their hours cut#like even the IMPORTANT people arent getting hours#its fucked up!!!! never ever ever work for sheetz its a fucking nightmare#ive signed up for multiple temp agencies and none of them have given me any leads#im working on comms every day but it takes me so long to work on one piece that the process has been slow#im about to apply to work at fucking mcdonalds or something like its THAT bad rn i really dont want to but what other choice do i have
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Did driving practice today. Actually did parallel parking practice this time, even tho I really didn't want to still. Finally got it into my head that I can maybe do this.
SO......
I have scheduled my driving test. For November 13th, 3 weeks from today.
#speculation nation#IM SO NERVOUSSSSS but i need to do it. i need to. worst case scenario i fail and have to try again another day.#i was actually gonna try to schedule for a week from today but they were full up for the next 2 weeks.#so. 3 weeks! my therapist is gonna be happy for me when i tell her haha#this is. something ive been avoiding for over 10 years now. but i decided at the start of this year that This would be my year.#Year Of Unfuck My Life. and im finally doing it. im going to finally get my license.#it's so. huge actually. a similar level of Holy Shit factor as me graduating.#which seems like an uneven comparison but honestly ive just been so so so scared of this driving test#an insurmountable obstacle bc i was stuck at school away from family to help me practice etc etc#very tied up with me being stuck at school for so long actually. the neverending purgatory of being Stuck In Place.#but my cousin lives closer to me now and hes been helping me out. and i am so very grateful.#augh augh augh augh. life is so busy and it feels like everything is happening at once AAAAAAAAAAAA#but im taking it all in stride. i am. oh god i might have to just practice and then take my audition video all on the same day.#bc i am too tired to deal with it rn and i have an exam tomorrow so idk if i can practice then. also i have to clean.#i will make it work. i will make something work. for the love of fucking god i will make it work.#no time to write barely any time to relax but thats okay i am Go Go Going and trying to keep enough time to sleep#(prior few nights being the..exception lol.)#i certainly wouldnt want to live this way for too long. but just a few more months. i can do it.#next semester hopefully wont be as busy. i'll have 3 hard classes but if im lucky they wont even have much homework.#i can do it. i can get through it. i will get my license in 3 weeks (manifesting) and i will get my own car.#i will find a new apartment to live in. i will Hopefully find a job.#within a year my life is going to be much much different.#my life is Already much much different than it was just a year ago. tho this year has been more... metamorphosis.#in a year's time. i will be 28 years old. and the pieces will Finally be falling into place (hopefully!!!!!)#for now. god i need to rest. will probably go to sleep early tonight. need to be rested for my exam tomorrow.#first tho i gotta shower and feed both me and the cats. yes.
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I really cannot wait to live somewhere with actual public transit
#bee's buzzing#or at the very least walkable.#PLEASE for the love of god i have got to get out of this house. even just for a day#i need to do things#im not allowed to work because i cant drive. but i cant seem to get my license.#every time i try something goes wrong somehow and it makes me want to scream#i might ask if i can get a job close to home as incentive to. like.#idk. get more practice in? if i have to drive to work and back home even w/ someone else in the car#then. that is more practice for me. but also i'd kinda feel like shit for some reason#i dont know!!!!!! slams my head into the wall
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it’s weird being in recovery after like 2 months of sickness and looking forward to being able to do all the little things you used to take for granted again
#marzi speaks#i can’t wait for my feet to be healed enough for me to bounce around on them again#i’m so excited to dance and sing to myself as i go about my day#i can’t wait to have the energy to drive my car. i’m looking forward to having a license#i haven’t WANTED to drive in years. i want to drive now#(i don’t have the energy yet but that’s ok we give it time)#i can’t wait to get to go out to places again#i’m just like. stoked. to go get to do all of the being alive things again#i want to do difficult things and overcome them. i want to pick up new skills#and feel the resistance of learning and challenging myself and watching myself grow from it#it’s weird. good weird but…. weird#being in physical peril seems to have at least temporarily improved my mental health#i’m more mindful and appreciative of every little element of being alive rn#and there’s ups and downs. these steroid mood swings r wild#but like. i’m doing pretty good! i got to make my own breakfast today. and it was yummy#i got to do that again. i’m gonna shower in my shower today#with my soaps. and my music. and i can sing as shittily as i want#god singing. my voice is rusty rn i can’t wait to finish shaking that off and get my vocal range back#i’m so excited to draw again. and to work on getting a job#and to learn and grow and do all these things#i’m even like. kinda looking forward to making phone calls tomorrow! what the heck!!#i hate making phone calls! but i’m excited to have it done. and to have done it#i dunno i’m in a positive mood atm#OH RIGHT NAPTIME. god i really am just my ego babysitting my id huh
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i don't know i’m just tired of being poor
#vent#my mom can’t get work the car got repo’d we’re running out of food and we can’t get any fucking help#she’s put her application in everywhere and they either ghost her or don’t have a high enough salary#and i can’t get a job because again. no car and i don’t have a license or any kind of ged.#i can’t do anything to help her emotionally or show her i’m there because she gets snippy and it kills me#i don’t know i feel like i’m fucking drowning
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Currently having a hissy fit because I found a nice affordable house two blocks from my grandparents' house and i could pay it off in like a year or two and there's not much wrong with it and it is. In a state that i hate. In a dead end town. In a life that I could not live as my own. Fucking hell.
#chit chat#i could make it work#i could get my substitute teacher's license right now and see if they’d let me transfer it over#this house is across the fucking street from the school i could make it work#but fuck#is that the choice?#choosing a secure place to live in the job i swore never to take again#or living with my parents doing a job i hate in a place i can never afford rent#or living with four roommates working a job i hate so that we don't all lose housing#is this it? is that all there is to life???#misery and work and on the weekends i write fanfiction to escape the misery and work???#if i move out there i know for certain my friends will not ever bother to visit me#and if i stay here??? the only thing i enjoy here is my friends#fuck this stupid baka life
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Just applied for a librarian job 🤞🏻
#honestly would love to work in a record store but the only one i know is literally in the city i moved out off idk much here yet#but hopefully this library works out#as in i’ll get the job won’t kill anyone including myself#also once i get my new id i wanna go get my driving license which I’m terrified off because I’m scared of failing the exams lol#back home i was scared of the traffic here I’m scared of having the teacher laugh at me 💀#.❀⋆.ೃ࿔*ilu talks.❀⋆.ೃ࿔*
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oky well you guys were NOT joking about connections being incredibly important for job seeking??? GOT A REC ABOUT A POSSIBLE POSITION NEAR ME FROM MY FRIEND WHO ALWAYS GOES THERE!!!!!!!
#okay yeah my friend is completely right i cannot stay in a stagnant state for the next couple years or life will pass me by :/#this job could be really important for me at least it'd get me started on the road to moving out!! and then while i'm working there I'll#start working towards getting my license (idk exactly what the hold up is with that but its my bad)
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the idea of getting mad at people for offering an unpaid internship is incredibly stupid. if you don't want to do it, just don't?
but if you have the opportunity to learn new skills in exchange for labor instead of spending thousands on potentially worthless classes, then it's absolutely the best thing you can do. people don't want to pay you for skills you don't yet have. it's not rocket science.
#for industries that require licensing it may not be of much value but it does at least give you a chance to see if you like it#believe me i would gladly work for free on Saturdays to learn something that gets me out of my stupid corporate job#m
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im gonna be starting my journey into a dream job of mine within the next few weeks, im SO excited!!! things are finally coming up for me!!!!
#its gonna be so fucking difficult but ive been wanting to be a pet groomer for a DECADE#my very first job was as a bather at a grooming/boarding place and i loved it even though it was hard and unpredictable#and over the past decade doing a lot of job hopping... the thing thats always on my mind is getting my grooming license#i kept psyching myself out of it bc its hard to like. actually start doing something#but i work at a pet store now and i APPLIED to be in the groomer section but i work in the retail side#this week ive been talking with a bunch of my coworkers and my boss about switching to grooming and it worked!!!!! it fucking worked!!!!!!#theyre actually listening to me and what i want to do with my time!!!! the only thing that sucks is that i still have to work in pet care#but i dont really mind that much. its not too complicated its just a bunch of set tasks to do which i thrive in#but anyways IM EXCITED!!!!! IM DOING IT IM ACTUALLY DOING IT IM FOLLOWING THROUGH WITH THINGS I WANT TO SPEND MY TIME DOING !!!!!!!!!!!!!#its been so so so long since ive had a job ive ACTUALLY WANTED and not a job that im just at to pay the bills
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I do find it so funny that I will graduate college days away from my birthday. Like my birthday is literally in between the end of the semester ("graduation") and commencement
It really will be like a joint graduation & birthday party for me lmao
#speculation nation#i dont really do birthday parties anymore. havent in a long time. mostly just go out and do smth fun around my bday. ya kno#also have cake but like not in a party way. just like. here's cake lol#but im probably only gonna graduate from college once. which means i might as well live it up and all.#invite all sorts of extended family and people who have known me. etc etc.#actually it just kinda sunk in that i am. Computer and Information Technology (Systems Analysis and Design focus) w a minor in Communication#like those are words. it's a lot of words but actually it really is pretty accurate?? like that's indeed what ive been studying.#now how much i *remember* is another question. considering how long ive taken to get thru school lol#but that's what people will see on my degree. that's my Thing. graduated in Computer Systems and Talking.#idk it's just weird to have spent so much of my life on this and like That's the culmination. it took so much work.#even beyond a normal 4 years. i switched my major *twice*. switched my minor too.#first year engineering to undecided liberal arts (as a temp major trying to switch to computer science bc i couldnt stay in FYE)#but then computer science sucked so i switched to trying to get into computer & info tech. which is different. and better.#and ive been in it long enough now that ive kinda forgotten but it did take some fuckin work to switch into it.#like i had to take certain classes first & i couldnt take them during the semesters that in-major students would take them#and i had to have my gpa up to a certain level etc etc. so many hoops to jump thru. i think it took me at least a year. or more. idr#but i made it in and thats my major. thats my thing. computers and information systems and communication.#doesnt FEEL like im an almost-graduate. but then i think about all the things ive taken and learned.#and maybe i dont remember a lot of the more specific things from these classes. but i took core lessons away from each one.#wont be able to recite the theories but i can live them. and thats the point of an education i guess.#anyways im gonna have to start job searching before too long and eughhbb. need to get my license first tho probably.#which i will... i will.... i have so many things to deal with... my life will be So Different in a year...#it will require me to put in the work now. but i can do it. and then a year from now. i'll hopefully be in a better spot.#living somewhere else. graduated from college. with a license and a car. maybe even an IT job of some kind.#kind of scared of trying to find a Big Boy Job. aka a job that requires a degree and networking and all that shit.#rather than just showing up and being like Hi i can do this job. i am not a total drain of a person. hire me please 👍#hfkahfks so many things to think about. and through it all i am still dealing with DEADLINES...!!!!#but yeah this is why my writing has largely been put on hold. idk i have a lot of things im dealing with rn.
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do you want me to fucking go off on you? do you truly fucking want that mother?
#“oh you and your sister never listen to me and blah blah blah” we fucking do (or at the very least i do)#“you guys never help out” does me doing the litter and taking out the trash and on occasion hand washing the dishes mean#fucking nothing to you? does me sweeping the floor every once in a while because you chose to keep us in an area that is ALL SAND/DIRT ROAD#for whatever stupid ass reason also meaningless? does me doing my damn best to help out mean fucking nothing?#do you want me to kill my self. do you want to lose your eldest child to something YOU could have fucking prevented all because you can’t#stop being a bitch to him all the time? do you really fucking want that mom? because at this rate i am once again on the road to fucking#attempting it. i’m so god damn sick of how you treat me. the only time i can do anything i want is at night. i stay up super late playing#games with my friends because its the only time in the day when you aren’t bitching and whining for me to do something you don’t want to do#for the past several days i’ve been up until five in the damn morning just to do something that makes me happy.#you misgender me. you deadname me. you refuse to accept any aspect of my identity. you don’t treat me like a god damn person.#i have so many different ways i can consider attempting if i truly wanted to. the only thing keeping me alive is my friends. because they a#least show that they fucking care and actively want to do things with me. like group drawing or playing video games.#YOU on the other hand; mother; yell and get mad at me over the stupidest shit and never fucking apologize.#i cannot recall a singular time you’ve apologized for being a complete bitch to me over something so fucking unimportant.#and yet i’m expected to be completely fucking fine and happy all because you provide me with the bare fucking minimum.#”i clothe and feed and provide a place for you to live” THAT IS THE BARE FUCKING MINIMUM. sure you could argue over the fact i’m 18 and#should be out working somewhere. but you give me so few opportunities for going places and even considering getting a job or finally gettin#my driver’s license. plus i would rather fucking die than work any food service or customer service job. because i’d be going somewhere#where i’d mostly get talked down to or yelled and then come home and have the same shit done after working for hours and getting minimal#pay. i’d rather work on my own fucking terms with commissions than go into any job where i have to interact with others in public for any#reason. where i’d be treated just the same as at home. like someone who isn’t a person and doesn’t deserve anyone to be nice to them.#i constantly so desperately wish that maybe one day soon i’d find someone to be with romantically and that i could maybe live with them and#get out of this hell hole that i’m supposed to call home. to go somewhere and have my efforts appreciated. to go somewhere where i’d#actually fucking be loved. i shouldn’t have to wish so god damn hard for a better life all because my mother can’t fucking treat me like a#person with hopes and dreams and thoughts and feelings.#i’m ending this rant here before i get too angry and upset. see you all in maybe an hour.#suicide mention#ask to tag
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Tag rambling ignore me
#clemmie talks#im dropping out of my masters program for library science#i feel bad doing it but im so burnt out from undergrad and its too hard for me intellectuallly#like im just too dumb and silly i dont know whats going on :(#im going to work on getting my drivers license and a regular job with my bachelors instead for now#hopefully at Best Buy or something. cuz i love computers#but yeah ill try my masters again later. mentally i am not able to do it rj#*rn#i feel bad and stupid bc my other friends were able to do it. but i am like.... idk#i think its autistic burnout cuz i am barely functioning#need to talk with my psychiatrist about it i know. for now tho. i guess ill do my best to.... do other stuff#:/ i wish i was smarter and more motivated but im. so tired all the time
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i feel fucking awful
ive had art block for like a week. ive had no motivation to do anything. I feel crushed by the weight of school. i constantly feel overwhelmed and i feel like that feeling is never gonna end. i feel like ive been overwhelmed for three fucking years i just want ti do go away. i just want to live my life and make my art without feeling an constant wieght on my shoulders FUCK
#rant#i feel like shit#and like im gonna finally snap at any moment#i just found out im gonna have to take summer classes and Im NOT handling it well#and i still don't know how to fucking drive and my parents won't stop reminding me of it#'when are you getting your licenses' i dont know i work a part time job while going to college it's miracle i haven't killed myself
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my most self indulgent hc that is closest to my heart and haven't talked about in years is vespa ilkay filipino (her eyes have a rage you only see in 3rd world med students)
#when u grow up in a place where going into healthcare is a ticket out of ur shithole country that exports 10000s f healthcare workers yearly#but only if you're a nurse or some other profession that can still get ordered around in hospitals#the amount of MDs i know who tried working abroad thn got their degrees & licenses rejected so they had to pick up...a wildly different job#and also vespa ilkay medtech grad real in my heart of course (points at heart of it all pt 2 the blood tells you everything)#and vespa ilkays mom ofw na unti-unting hindi na umuwi also real in my third secret heart#her network of med professional friends is fucking huge bc filipinos go into pre/med expecting half the ppl to leave for richer countries#which is to say most of my friends are already making plans of leaving for the usa/australia/singapore etc etc and some are there already#most of her college batch is scattered across the galaxy they have a groupchat named 'brain drain gang class of 2XXX' or wtv the fuck#but also college swamp girl vespa is just so dear to my heart like the mental image of her#studying under a mosquito net sweating wearing a neck fan with her illegally photocopied medical textbooks from rangian recto avenue#she broke my 'characters i love are southeast asian (in general) characers i hate and want to suffer are filipinos' rule i'm sorry queen#skl.txt#rangian recto avenue whee she gets a fake marriage certificate for her and buddy for shits n giggles#guy who knows all the alumni gives her one for free when she visits they have copies of the vesbud wanted posters behind the counter
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Suddenly so stressed about everything 👍
#grandpa said he's probably gonna turn in his license soon#whicj good i agree he should. still haven't gotten mine though. if he does there goes getting a job. going anywhere. there goes my paychecks#for SIX months if I can even get my license. amd if he does get rid of it that means I legally csn only practice on the weekends when my d#ads here. in his truck. a thing you shouldn't practice in first time.#i just wont have money. I'll have to pay to go to work. to get home from work. to go to the store. eveything. i wont ever get out of here#and i can't get to the store to pick up my needles to do my shots. let alone to get to the clinic. everything was starting to look up for me#not to be pessimistic but I really fucking let myself think anything good would ever happen. and look what happened. what always happens to#me. it got pulled out from under me because I don't deserve it. don't deserve to be happy.#im never fucking leaving. I'm going to rot here. i csnt save myself. I'm useless. no place will hire me or even call back. i dont know why#i bother with it. i was so happy to transition finally and this just keeps happening to me. * ****** **** **** ** i dont see any reason *#* **** *****. *****'* ** ****** ***** *'* *****#elias.zip
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