#and what we create for ourselves still MEANT something. still mattered

[braintapes]

I'm deeply fascinated by takes that are very staunchly against the WAU because on the one hand, I completely understand the revulsion. The disgust. The WAU’s creations are, to human sensibilities, nightmare creatures only barely recognizable as 'once human.' The WAU's creations and modifications spit and trample on human memory as we generally think of it.

On the other hand...Humanity is so thoroughly obliterated in SOMA's setting that I don't think it's enough to kill the WAU on those grounds. Is what it's doing fucked up? Yes! But is it ultimately that different from the survival instinct of any animal? Is it that different from human instinct, to want to preserve and continue life at all costs? When it's what human hands created the WAU to do?

Humans are such a tiny proportion of all life. We're practically a footnote in every way to the planet Earth in terms of timescale. When you zoom out, the WAU strikes me as akin to, say, the first single-celled organism in the primordial soup.

It's a different form of life. A new form of life, perhaps. One that could grow and evolve over time in ways we can't imagine.

Is that so wrong? Who are we, the last echoing fragment of humankind, to completely deny that life, simply on the grounds that it isn't us?

I think about the Think Tank from Fallout: New Vegas. They were human, once. In terms of physicality, though, they’ve existed as brains in jars for such a LONG ASS TIME that they’re repulsed and confused by human bodies. They find them strange and inferior, because they’ve been themselves so long that what they are is completely natural to them. From their point of view, they are the most evolved form of life, and humans are just another kind of animal.

Even though they themselves are still human brains.

I think that fear - the fear that we, humans, will be dethroned from our positions on high as the 'rulers' of the planet - is an extremely interesting one to play with. There’s a lot to explore when you unravel that thread. I think about humancentrism, how we relate to other species etc. You could also turn the macro-scale into the micro-scale, the personal. It’s the same fear a parent has when their kid grows up into a being completely alien to the parent’s understanding and which has made you, the parent, obsolete.

The world moves on past you, beyond you. Something greater than you will take your place and you will be washed away in the streams of time. It’s horrifying! It feels as fundamental and primal a fear to me as fear of death.

SOMA plays with this in such a fascinating way that I’ve never seen a game tackle elsewhere. Humanity is almost, ALMOST absolutely irrelevant in its world. The game is a death march, a funerary procession for an entire world and entire species. It asks you, who are you, in all of this? What meaning do you make of it all?

It asks a ridiculous amount of questions, some in plain text, some in subtext. But they’re always personal questions. SOMA doesn’t need your answer to get you to the next level. It simply asks you and leaves you to reflect on your answer. It’s a beautiful use of the concept of ‘choices’ in gaming that I love.

Your choices don’t affect the in-game world. Whether you kill the WAU or not, you don’t get to see the far-reaching effects of that choice. It doesn’t matter. You, the player. You, Simon. You simply won’t be there to see those effects. All you can do is look within yourself, imagine yourself in these worlds, and ask yourself what feels right to you.

SOMA doesn’t have correct answers, either. It would be easy to wave that off as trying to seem deep without having to come down concretely on anything but I don’t believe it’s done half-assedly here. The game gives ONE concrete answer about what it thinks of the human condition:

You will always strive for hope. In the most absurd, almost comedically horrific conga line of atrocity thrown your way, you will cling to hope with bleeding fingers and chase it to the very, very end. Even when that hope is so fleeting so as to be almost nothing at all. This, SOMA says, is the fundamental nature of humans.

...And I’m just now realizing this post got waaaay away from my original point. On the macro-scale, the WAU is a progenitor of life imo. We have no way of knowing what kind or how it will grow or even if it will survive. On the micro-scale, it’s almost irrelevant to us, our journey, Simon’s journey. The choice to kill it, then, comes down to revenge. Do you spite it for what it’s done? Is what it’s done so horrific you want to stab it back?

I understand why people would. Personally, though, I can’t bring myself to cut it down when it carries such potential with it.

[etheries1015]

Arlecchino having a (female) s/o who is extremely sensitive and cries frequently.

You'd think arlecchino would have something against dating someone like this. Crying is a sign of weakness in her eyes, and honestly you were no different. Despite your typically optimistic and flamboyant personality, you were incredibly sensitive. Just leave it to Arlecchino to pick probably the most sensitive person in the world to choose as her lover, right?

You saw a sad play? Tears streaming down your face. You saw a malnourished dog on the streets? Sobbing while spending your life's savings to help the poor thing. It starts raining? You're crying, too. "Its been raining so much...The hydro dragon must be in such misery. I wish I could help him." One of the kids called you "mother" for the first time? You're sobbing uncontrollably. Most of the time Arlecchino would roll her eyes and be mildly unomftorable around your tears, but you knew she still loved you. Especially moments that it truly mattered, she would mutter a "Stop crying..." And pat your head, or quietly engulf you in a hug. She couldn't fully understand why you were always so empathetic and crying all the time, however they do say opposites attract, right?

Most of the time she found it to be one of your weak points, crying so much means you aren't strong to save face, right? That you don't have what it takes? Crying all the time was something only the pathetic and unworthy do...right?

Arlecchino heard two voices. One was her lover, you, and the other was the feeble whimpers of a child. She made sure to stay hidden from behind the door frame, eavesdropping on the conversation, where you and the young boy were left unaware of her presence.

"Father says I...shouldn't cry. I'm sorry, mother, I..."

"Freminet," Arlecchino heard your voice strong yet sweet, her heart skipping a beat slightly. She hadn't heard you so...authoritative in a long while. So loving, gentle...and so confident. There was not a hint of hesitation in your voice.

"I understand you think very very highly of Arle. She gave you a life here, along with your siblings. I know you look up to her. But if there is one thing we, even as lovers, disagree on..." The sound of rustling caused Arlecchino to glance around the corner, quickly noticing how you were pulling the young boy into your arms.

"Tears are not a sign of weakness. It means you have a strong heart, a heart full of emotions just waiting to burst and let loose. Strength comes from standing up again despite the challenges you have faced, and what may have made you cry." You pulled back and wiped his tears before poking his chest above the spot where his heart lay. "You have a beautiful heart, freminet. Its healthy, and strong. Strength is purely subjective, we can each decide for ourselves what strength truly means. Don't let someone else decide that for you, no matter how much they may mean to you."

"But-" the blonde haired boy went to object you, only to be promptly cut off.

"Arlecchino has her own definition of strength and weakness, and so do I. They are completely opposite from one another. But that doesn't mean the love between us isn't real because of that. We all still love you for who you are, Freminet. You're growing to be a very fine young man, and I'm certain you will find your own definition of strength. Create it yourself, okay? Your soul is meant to grow into your own shape, not forcefully conform into someone else's." There was no words, only the sounds of light sobs as Freminet hugged you tightly. You smiled slightly and pat his back gently and comfortingly.

"If you ever need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to, I'm always here for you. You do not need to suffer alone."

Arlecchino could have sworn your gaze notice hers and lock eyes for but a moment, with a gentle smile placed upon your features. Quickly turning her heel and walking away, Arlecchino simply scoffed at the notion you were breaking down the principals she had built at the house of hearth.

Night had fallen and you entered your shared room with the Knave, who was currently laying in bed with the lights off and blankets covering her body. You strolled over to the bed, sitting down next to her as you gazed down to the quiet harbinger.

"Are you mad at me?" You inquired, "I know you heard what I told freminet. I assumed you would yell at me by now, about how crying isn't a sign of strength, and how I'm 'teaching them worthless things'. " You awaited a snotty response from your thickheaded lover, yet much to your surprise, there was no response. It was only when you sat your hand upon her shoulder did you notice the slightest tremble, your eyes widening before you were abruptly pulled down into the sheets with strong arms wrapping around you. Arlechinnos head tucked into your shoulder, you could feel wetness seep through your shirt. You smiled sadly and began to hold her back, stroking her soft black and white locks.

"I see you're taking my advice, huh? Did I strike a chord finally?"

"Shut up."

With a shaky voice and mild hesitation, Arlecchino had become far more vulnerable than she had ever felt before.

"You're a bad influence," she sighed into your shoulder, her grasp tightening. With a chuckle and another gentle kiss, you hummed in amusement. It wasn't long before you felt the trembling come to a halt and Arlecchinos breathing even out, you closed your eyes and began to drift off into sleep with your lover still in your arms.

Maybe crying wasn't as bad as she made it out to be. At least, not when she had someone to hold her tight all night.

[thatfrailsoul]

_

Slow down for a moment. Allow your heart to guide you, to tell you if there is really a message here for you and behind which image it hides... And whatever the answer is, feel free to listen to it or to let go. Remembering that whenever you will be ready or will have the need, your true message will find its way to you.♡

_

Hi!♡ Before looking deeper into this question... I would like to do another one to you.♡ Obviously you don't need to stop by here if you don't want to - your message and reading is right here after this question. But if you do answer, it will be incredibly helpful for me to make this blog more comfortable and interesting for you and others.♡ So... which forms of tarot readings and messages here on Tumblr are more interesting for you?♡:

1) A lot of piles/images to choose from so it feels more real that the message is for you, and shorter messages that can be read more fastly and comfortably.

2) Less piles/images to choose from so there isn't anxiety in deciding, but longer and more detailed messages.

3) More piles/images to choose from and more detailed messages so it feels more destined to you and provides more clarity and information.

_

Thank you so much for helping me out!♡

_

_

No matter what you see, what you feel when you are stuck in that dream and vision... There is something important there, a key to your current situation, a solution to the confusion and uncertainty that overwhelms you.

It might confuse you or even scare you, with its mysterious story that each time unfolds in your mind.. But there is nothing to be afraid of, nothing to fear. As it's only a particular way of your subconscious mind to talk to you, to give you the alternative to giving up or running away that you consider now...

Because is not all that there is to this situation, difficulty or problem. You are not meant at all to suffer as you walk on this path trying to achieve your dreams. There is a solution, right here and so close to you. A different way to overcome it shifting the situation from the worst to something much much easier and even enjoyable to go through.

Your mind is asking you to wait a little more here, to give this situation another chance, to look at it from a different perspective exactly as you do with this dream trying to understand more of it. Your mind tries to tell you that exactly like this dream... It will end.

All the confusion, anxiety and worry will end. Allowing you to return to your life, to the safety and the balance that you managed to create. You need only to allow yourself to live it, to see it like this dream, knowing that there is much more that will follow it, no matter how scary, confusing or strange it seems.

_

_

It's difficult to stay present in the life that feels so harsh, so confusing, so different from the way we pictured it when we were younger. It's difficult to push our own selves in keep on going, in facing the situations, in taking our responsibilities or sacrifice ourselves to resolve the ones of others who don't care that much...

But it's so easy to hide in our mind, in different and misterious worlds. In other dimensions where when facing the same problems and fears, or perhaps even worse... We have much more control on it.

And you did it for a really long time. You hid inside your mind, inside does hopes and wanders. The ones that nourished became something more, a whole different story about who you are, adventures that you live through... It became your safe space, far away from the situations that continued to get worse and more painful to deal with. To the point that it's simply scary to face them, difficult to don't look away.

And when you are still forced to do so... Your mind is overwhelmed with fear and stress, finding relief only in those dreams that are so strange but that feel much more appealing than this world. But while this is what your conscious mind does and needs... The subconscious mind is aware of how wrong it is and is against it.

And through those same dreams that were always the only real and clear way it could talk to you - it tries to regain its power back by shifting your visions, the sweet stories and lies they tell you. In hopes that you can, in that confusion and impossibility to understand and connect so much to those dreams like you used to... You could become aware of how unfortunately false they've been. How they never were the truth, never were what you needed to overcome all of this. How they instead were only a distraction, a way to escape this reality and hide.

Your subconscious confuses you, makes it uncomfortable to be in that state in which you escape for so long and for so many times. But it's not because it's mean to you, because it doesn't want you to have a safe place... It's more because it wants, your inner self wants, to feel so safe in this and real world. It wants you to live, to fight back, and in doing so to find your strength and courage. It wants and needs you to learn how to live and go through it. Instead of putting yourself in a golden cage from which you will never be able to grow.

_

[reality-detective]

Let’s talk about love…

I often write about love in the overarching sense of the word, that is, the all encompassing energy with which this universe was created. But today I want to talk about ‘romantic love’, the one we more often speak about, the one that can make us feel on top of the world or at the bottom of a pit! Yeah that one…🙄

I’ve had my share of heartache in life and I have also been a shoulder to cry on for many friends going through breakups and divorce. In hindsight, I can only say, that as painful as breakups are, they are also the greatest chance to gain real wisdom about ourselves and those around us.

People often jump into the next relationship as fast as they can, just like you would take a painkiller for a headache, but I think this is often a mistake, for you end up missing the many valuable lessons that life was trying to teach you. Which means they will come back again! 🤪

Time is the only healthy form of healing, it is also the only way to gain the necessary perspective to identify the lessons you were meant to learn.

‘Painkillers’ never get to the root of the problem, they simply numb the pain and hide the underlying issue, so don’t rush into the next romantic affair, instead take the time to reflect on things.

Healing from a broken heart is no easy feat, it can take a very long time and in some cases people never truly heal.

I have pondered many times on this matter, which has led me to question; what is it that we fall in love with, that makes it so hard to overcome?

Understanding how we are mainly driven by ego, rather than spirit, made me realise, that it’s in fact the ego that makes healing from a breakup so difficult.

Do we fall in love with the person? Or with how the person made us feel about ourselves? 🤔

In other words, are most romantic relationships a means of feeding the ego? He loves me, therefore I’m worthy? I am enough?

I’m not suggesting, by any means, that that’s all that romantic relationships are, but I do believe that a lot of the pain derived from separation, is the ego hurting from seemingly being rejected.

I have seen friends cry desperately for guys that were not worth considering for two seconds, which made me realise they were not crying for the loss of an excellent human being, they were crying from the feeling of rejection.

When you base your worth on external acceptance and recognition, instead of internal knowing, you risk suffering needlessly for people that didn’t deserve you in the first place.

So if you find yourself unable to get over a broken relationship, ask yourself who’s crying; is it your ego that is still licking its wounds? Or did you really walk away from an exceptional human being? (If it’s the latter, then you better recognise your mistakes and do something about it!)

But if it’s your ego performing a self-pitty show, try to step out of it and take an introspective journey until you see that you were always whole, that you don’t need someone else to complete you and that your happiness is in your hands, it’s your responsibility and nobody else’s.

True love can only come to you when you don’t expect it to do things it’s not meant to do. A true romantic relationship is made up of two ‘whole’ people that wish to share their ‘wholeness’ with each other, rather than complete one another.

Don’t let your ego run amok with your emotional well being, take the reigns, put it in it’s place and move forward.

- Laura Aboli

[aurora-daily]

AURORA talks ‘What Happened To The Heart?’: “Apathy is the biggest enemy to progress”

AURORA in the interview for NME by Andrew Trendell (March 29th, 2024)

NME: Hello AURORA. Why did you start on this journey of trying to understand the symbolism of the heart?

AURORA: “The world has grown so accustomed to being apathetic. The truth has never been easier to share, but it’s also never been easier to manipulate either. AI was created without our consent; nobody asked us the people if we were ready to have something that big being thrown upon us. Now, so many things are going to change, which I don’t think we can yet grasp.

“Another true form of power is to manipulate people, to embarrass people, to lie; there’s so much that you can do with it that’s dangerous. People are so used to becoming overflooded by misinformation and information, and sadly we’re looking to our influencers and celebrities to tell us what we’re supposed to know about political things instead of reading about it or listening to true experts on the matter.

“Of course, I’m very vocal about things so I do think it’s important as a ‘person with a voice’ or whatever to show people what you stand for, but to be the only arrow for people to show them what they mean – that’s dangerous, as hell!”

Ah, that’s grim…

“I have a lot of hope, but I’m really concerned that everyone’s necks are fucked, everyone is hurting, everyone is tired and depressed. It’s fashionable to joke about nihilism and suicide. We have really lost touch with something that we used to have, and it was really beautiful.”

The last time we spoke was just before the release of ‘The Gods We Can Touch’, fresh after COVID when there was an air of optimism and change afoot after the activism brought on by George Floyd’s murder and a lot of talk about how we relate to each other and the planet. You said: “It’s always a good thing when the oppressed aren’t the only ones fighting and the privileged are starting to fight as well. That’s a sign of true progress”. How you feel about that progress now?

“We aren’t meant to look at a genocide [in Gaza] happening for four months on our phones before we go to work. Because of the overflow of information, our attention span is our biggest weakness. We know how to care about something for a little bit, then we kind of lose touch with it again. Our ability to be persistent with the progress that we feel like we deserve is also weak, which is understandable. I’m not blaming us for that. It’s a very natural reaction to where we are at a species now, but we’re still being forced to become apathetic.

“Apathy is the biggest enemy to progress. But I feel that in shadows and what is not on the news, there are so many good things happening. The world is literally on fire – whether global warming, injustice, slavery in Congo, or a war that nobody can stop. The people that can, won’t, because war is also business. But amongst all of that, a lot of good things are happening too. People are proving that we’re tired of peace in that we want more than that: we want real change and liberation and real progress.

“What was peace for me and you here in London was not peace for other people out there. I’m kind of tired of peace and speeches of peace, because we deserve more than that.”

In asking ‘What Happened To The Heart?’, did you find any answers?

“I kind of did. At one point the album gets very ugly, it gets very harsh, it gets very uncomfortable – before it breaks apart. Then at the end of the album there is insight and truth that you need to go and mend all of the rules that you didn’t acknowledge for all these years.

“That’s what needs to happen. Something needs to break apart a bit. Who knows where the world is heading? The least we can do is just keep being in touch with each other and ourselves.”

But it’s not as easy as that, right?

“We’re stuck in pain and many of us don’t have the energy or the courage to begin doing the small things that can make us feel so much better on a daily basis.

“Imagine what it is to be a human today: you’re on your phone, disconnected, being lied to, being manipulated, then you see what’s wrong with the world – or you think you see it but you don’t know how to do anything about it, so you escape into something else. Imagine living in that world where everyone is supposed to feed you, help you, talk the truth to you, is just constantly bringing you into a system so that they can make money.

The world’s on fire so let’s make some money?

“Yes, it is a bit like that! People are getting so tired of celebrities and politicians. People are getting tired of rich people celebrating themselves while the world is burning. You see people getting tired of it, compared to 50 years ago when it was all the rage and all a hoot!”

There’s been some discussion about whether people want reality or escapism in their music. You’re proving that you can do both.

“You can do both and you should do both, because art is both. It’s all about balance.”

You said that you made it a mission to only write for this record in “unsafe” spaces that made you feel quite alien. Where did take that you? Did it make you feel more or less certain about your ideas? 

“Previously, I have gone to a place, locked the doors, turned the lights down low and made an album. This time I wanted to try different rooms and temperatures to write the songs because I needed to access a lot of different AURORAs on this album. It gave me access to a lot of parts of me that I haven’t really faced before; even parts that scared me a little – very personal parts. I’ve been exploring my own darkness more, so it is maybe my most personal album, even though it’s about something so big.”

Did that lead to some new sounds? 

“It’s a very human album and there are a lot of things being played. It has a lot of different moods and every song belongs to a different part of the process for me. The album is very different from the three singles, but I like to release songs that confuse people. The fans really like the complexity. I treat the fans like kings and I would never underestimate them with my music. I know they’re going to feel very satisfied with songs that are so multi-dimensional.”

Do you feel like an outlier for that?

“There’s a lack of that. People expect music now to be very instant and free. That’s why there’s all this shit music going around on TikTok. There are also a lot of cool new acts on TikTok. I like that they can promote themselves.

“Anyway, I’ve been exploring a lot of different things. There are new sounds I’ve never heard before. I’ve been experimenting a lot and had so much fun. I nearly shat myself every day! Not that I have an issue with that.”

It’s a good sign of a good time

“I had such a good time. I don’t even know how to explain it. It’s extremely playful, and I’ve been working with people I admire.”

Including Chemical Brothers’ Tom Rowlands…

“Always, my mate Tom from Chemical Brothers. We have a lot of fun. We feel like two little aliens walking around, and we have the same hunger for something exceptional. I’m really grateful. I texted him one evening just saying, ‘Tom – puke vomit all over my song please’. And he did, for like four hours.”

Did you get lost in his garden again? 

“I’m trying to not do that again. The one time I got lost in his garden it was his daughter’s birthday, and this time it was his birthday. I just love bothering him and his poor family on their birthdays – I never leave them alone. I gave him a cookie wrapped in a napkin that I found on the ground.”

I’m sure he’s OK. 

“Is he though? Has anyone heard from him?”

The album also sees you work with Ane Brun, Matias Tellez (Girl In Red, Maisie Peters), Chris Greatti (Yungblud, Blink-182, Pussy Riot), Dave Hamelin (Beyonce, King Princess and Zara Larsson) and Magnus Skylstad. Greatti is somewhat of a maximalist – what did he bring to the table?

“That! I tend to go into very dark landscapes. I like when my songs sound like a landscape, but I needed a few songs on this album to sound like a different part of the process I’m trying to deal with.

“Most of the people I work with come with a little strategy, and it’s based on me meeting them in a bar then saying, ‘Let’s go to the studio now!’ With Chris, it was because I liked his hair. He had a mullet and a glam-rock thing going on. I didn’t know who he had worked with before, but he seemed really interesting. We laughed a lot and we just played. Sometimes it’s about the art, sometimes it’s just about playing, and sometimes it’s about both. We’re really good friends now.”

So if Tom Rowlands brought out the raver in you, Chris Greatti brought out the glam rocker, what did Dave Hamelin bring out in you? 

“I remember I lost my voice when I went into the studio with him. It’s not often I work with new people, but sometimes it’s nice to be surprised by the unknown. Not The Unknown from that horrible Willy Wonka Experience…”

Oh you saw that? Are you not gutted to have missed it while you were in the UK? 

“I was gutted. I would have loved to have seen The Unknown up-close like that. Why the fuck was he there? It’s the best thing I’ve ever seen.”

Well, there’s your next music video

“Don’t out my ideas! But to be thrown into the unknown, I wanted to cancel as I’d lost my voice my manager told me to go [into the studio with Hamelin]. I was there for four hours, I said, ‘Can you make it sound like hell?’ He made it sound terrible like I wanted, I just screamed because I couldn’t sing and it was really satisfying. After four hours I said goodbye. It was a really fast, beautiful, ugly thing – but it was just what I needed.”

Speaking of that primal urge, you play some drums and percussion on this record too right? 

“I love being in touch with rhythms. I love a very big diversity in the beats in my music. A long time ago I realised that a lot of deaf people or people with hearing disabilities liked my music, so I make sure to always have a lot of vast variation in the bass regions so that it can be felt.”

How is the new album going to change the live show? 

“One of my favourite shows from my childhood – and adulthood – was Avatar: The Last Airbender (not the movie, we don’t talk about that). I always felt like I was either air or water, and I feel like people are scared to change. They’re scared of me changing, they’re scared of the world changing, and themselves. That’s the most beautiful ability we have; it’s so freeing. Jesus Christ! It will change. I want more air, I want to create more space. I want every song to have huge balls.”

You’re playing Royal Albert Hall on your 2024 tour. That has plenty of space for balls.

“Yes, Royal Albert’s balls! I’m excited for every show, and just excited in general.”

And Glastonbury? 

“Heck yes! In the name of mathematics, I will conquer Glastonbury. I feel like I have to redeem myself there. Every time I go there, I’ve always had a holiday for like a month. Boy, do I know how to take time off! I always arrive all shrivelled like a raisin. This time I’m going to come back fresh and sweet like a plum. I love Glastonbury because it’s so iconic. Make sure that if you’re going to use drugs that you know what’s in them. Test your drugs, but most importantly: don’t do drugs. It’s a fucking stupid thing to do.”

Any amazing advice to end on?

“Don’t do drugs, but don’t be a don’t-er. Do be a doer.”

[quentin-didnt-die-in-the-books]

I don't think it was an awful decision to kill off Quentin Coldwater

Okay so I know how my url looks but now that I've spent a bit more time on this site and seen how other people feel about this, I think I should clarify my meaning.

Let me start out by saying Quentin was my favorite character both at first, when I watched the show, and after, when I read the books. He's the one I related to the most and just a character I enjoyed watching. His death was a shock and I stopped watching the show for a while after. But having read the books and gotten some distance from the incident, I don't hate the decision to kill him in the show. This is partly because he doesn't die in the books so if I want, I can just choose to only consider that ending as the real one.

But more importantly, a main point of the story that the books tell is that no matter what awful things happen in your life, you need to find things that matter and ways to move on and still be happy. Since the books are from Quentin's point of view, we mostly see his struggles and successes when it comes to finding reasons to live. But the show intentionally showcases the other characters much more than the books did and there are plenty of storylines that Quentin isn't even a part of. It is harder, in certain ways, to build empathy for characters through a tv show because it's not from their point of view and we, as audience members, can often have different interpretations of something we watch. So rather than being able to live through Quentin, we are almost a part of the story ourselves and we have to make our own way and come to a conclusion ourselves, rather than being led there by a narrator. In this way, Quentin's death is something that we have to get past and find a way to move on from in the story. I'll admit season five isn't my favorite season but it does have some of my favorite scenes in the show. It doesn't just throw us back into a fun fantasy world with silly humor and adventures. There is a grieving process and it takes a while for the show to become at all lighthearted again. After reaching Quentin's death and losing all interest in the show for a bit, it is significant to me that I ended up missing the world that it created enough to go back to it even knowing that my favorite character would not be a part of it. I'm not trying to compare this to losing someone you love in the real world because I don't think that is an accurate comparison at all but it is comparable, in my mind, to losing something that had sentimental value or missing out on an opportunity you can't get back. Realizing that something hasn't turned out the way you wanted it to and being able to move on and still enjoy other things again is very important and I think the show did manage to capture the spirit of the books even if that might not have been the writers' exact intention. I think some media is about escapism and creating a world where things are better but I don't think that is a requirement or a guarantee.

I also just want to mention that I understand the fine line between media as an art form and media as representation of the real world but I think this show does an excellent job of giving the audience a meaningful story even if it isn't necessarily "fair" to the characters. Obviously, media can perpetuate discrimination in the way it treats certain identities and communities (e.g. discrimination on the basis of gender, race, sexuality, disability, mental health) that are already discriminated against in society. I think in this instance though, there is also a case to be made for seeing the characters, especially Quentin, as a way to cope with the awful things that happen in the world, rather than just an expression of those awful things. I think The Magicians does do a good enough job of developing complex characters that they are not simply caricatures meant to represent entire groups in society for the purpose of making broad claims about those groups.

Obviously, I wanted Queliot to happen but I really don't think this show was trying to be homophobic given the many other examples of queer relationships in the show. I do think we still have a ways to go in how mental health issues are portrayed and treated in media but I think Quentin's death, and the whole show, itself, is about much more than that.

[acorpsecalledcorva]

Definitely something that struck home for me about Sar and Ozturk s Theory of the Functional Dissociation of the Self is the idea of how a 'Sociological Self' develops in absence of it's connection to the 'Psychological Self'. In fact, my final year uni project was on this very subject (I just didn't realise it at the time) on how it relates to gender, i.e. I know what my gender identity is, but where did my definition of what that identity means come from? Why do some aspects of gender feel right to me and others feel wrong?

And this extends from a much more holistic sense of who the fuck is us? Who am I? Really? At my core, what is really there that is me? What of me is truly mine? Because I've never even felt like a real person, let alone a whole person. I'm a facsimile of a person. A simulacrum in the simulation that is the world I experience.

And discovering that I was a system didn't really help with that either, am I the sum of my parts? Am I a teenage girl and a child and a vampire and a wolf and a cat boy and a 16th century Norwegian witch and a dead girl from Belgium and a crow monster and my father and my mother and my ex fiancee and so many other unique and incompatible identities? I can't be. Because they're very much not me. In fact on a very fundamental level they must not be me, that's the whole purpose of their existence, to be not me.

The way that Sar and Ozturk phrase it is that, under the pressure of an environment filled with insurmountable stresses that can't be overcome, the 'psychological self' is buried and hidden away to protect it. The 'Sociological Self' must therefore not only develop without it, but make up for it's absence. By avoiding the internal, it must rely on the external to inform it. If the immediate external environment is too harsh, which, of course it is, then it must expand it's scope beyond to wider culture and failing that, the fictional (not that culture is anything more than the fictions we collectively tell ourselves but you know what I mean). Rejected by the host, the 'Psychological Self' attempts to reach out to the world by creating new 'Sociological Selves', using the vision of the world internalised by the host as templates on how and who to be.

And this is what "less than one personality" means to me. Not a broken plate that can be put back together, or a broken mirror where all the individual pieces are still mirrors, but the result of multiple attempts to create a cohesive sense of self without full access to the entirety of human experience. Some attempts are based on lies, others on guesses, and some may be partially correct but lack context or a place to be understood and fully realised.

I'm like those old medieval drawings of animals based on descriptions of animals but having never seen them before.

This. This is me. This is what I really am. I'm like if a person didn't know what a person was and tried to make more people.

Especially bottom right, that may as well be a fucking selfie of my subconscious.

And of course I know there's a me, somewhere inside, there's a me that is me, but I can't find it, it's hidden from me. I look and I feel where it must be, but I just cannot grasp what it is. Like I kinda understand now what my IFS therapist was talking about in reference to a "core self", I now know what is meant by that, and I also know why I feel so strongly that I don't have one. Like dark matter, I can theorise about the properties of the glue that holds my galaxy together, but I cannot for the life of me detect it, I cannot interact with it, it's completely invisible, totally outside of my reach, but it's there. But it's not a whole personality either, it's not even a part of my personality, I cannot just add it to my other parts because it's isolation has left it undeveloped. Imagine asking for a dozen cupcakes and getting 11 cupcakes and a pile of flour, sugar, and egg. It's not just a missing piece, it's not even a piece yet.

And it's this, this separation and underdevelopment of the 'Psychological Self' upheld by Dissociative barriers and absolute phobia of the internal that separates my experience as a DID system from other members of the wider plural including endogenic community. I'm not going to say that this is the defining DID experience, because it's not, but it's definitely why I fail to relate to a metric fuck ton of y'alls experiences and description of yourselves, just as so many of you may tell me that you don't relate to what I'm saying right now.

And it's of course worth mentioning that this is only one way of rationalising things. It's like the oceans, we draw lines and say "this is the Pacific and this is the Atlantic" and there's value in some contexts to divide them this way and compare the differences between them, or the different layers of the atmosphere saying "this is the stratosphere and this is the flanglesphere" but it's all water and it's all air. Which way we divide it and where we draw the lines is only as important as what we're trying to achieve by doing so and the purpose that it serves.

This framework helps me to conceptualise myself the best so far, if it helps you conceptualise yourself too then you can incorporate it, if it doesn't and you have a better one then you can use that. We're all just smudges in a left handed person's handwriting at the end of the day.

[yuyuswrld]

O Captain, My Captain || 3

characters: zeke yeager x reader (this chapter), various aot boys x reader

notes: sorry for the delay! had to come over a huge writers block. this chapter is kind of plot heavy as well, but the smut will be cont. in 3.5/4 :) tysm everyone for your support as well! <3

content warnings: MINORS DO NOT INTERACT. heavy sexual content. DUBIOUS CONSENT, power imbalance (zeke is the other school’s volleyball coach), HEAVY degradation, vulgar language, usage of terms such as slut and bitch

read the introduction here, part 1, or part 2 here!

There are times when you watch Eren play that remind you of dancing on the ice, sweat beading slightly. The contrast of the cold arena and your hot skin creates the sickly sweet and addicting feeling of paradise and freedom on your body. To be focused but to also be free, to glide like a dog relinquished from his chains, running free through a field of tall grass. You see a vision of a future in his eyes, one among the flashes of sports cameras and post-competition interviews where fans cheer excitedly in the background. A future where Yeager is posted prominently across the backs of people’s fan jerseys or a household name that gets discussed over Christmas dinner. If he was meant to be anything, it was to be an athlete.

It makes you want to cry that he got to have it and you didn’t. Maybe that’s what really bothered you about him. Your own envy seeping out at the seams, body overwhelming with the rage of a career in the sport that you loved. To be able to stand face-forward to the camera, jumping and screaming with excitement as you hold the gold metal in your hands. But now, it would never be you.

Your final highschool show, after this you could dedicate yourself to the world of competitive figure skating. There would be no more homework to complete after you got a gold, no more biology classes that seemed like they would never end. It would be life on the ice, never having felt anything better than the rush of cold air blasting your face as you stepped in the rink. To soar like a dove throughout the skies of the ice as if it was called upon you by God himself to do. But as your head thumped against the ice during your failed jump, you already knew it was over before your had eyes forced themselves shut, refusing to acknowledge the collective gasp of the large audience. With a single devastating concussion, your career had slipped out of your fingers. The dove had been released from its cage.

“I just think it’s really nice that you ended up liking volleyball,” Armin says, picking at his dining hall food. “It sucks to be stuck with someone who doesn’t care for a manager. We’re all here because we’re good at what we do and because we can’t imagine ourselves not being involved in it.” 

You smile at Armin’s kind words but take a second to contemplate them, unsure if your dedication to the sport is as commendable as he gives credit for. Sure, it’s been a couple of chaotic but enjoyable months, but it’s hard to say you should be managing them. To have the stars in your eyes as you gaze at the ball, eyes narrowed in and head in the game. Reflexes attuned to the ball soaring above, to be here rather than anywhere else in the world.

“You college athletes are a different breed,” you sigh, jealousy escaping in a single breath.

One day, none of this would matter to you. This might not even matter to the rest of them in a not-so-far-away future. Not all of them were going to continue playing volleyball forever, no matter how starry-eyed they are now. Not everyone goes to nationals and not all things that matter in college will matter forever. The world will always revolve. But it mattered now, and here you are, in a major having nothing to do with sports but still taking the spot of someone else who could care more than you do about the sport. It was one thing your parents had ingrained in you: never take something from someone who needs it more.

You snap yourself out of the state of self-pity, glancing back up at Armin, who has taken a heaping bite of his food. You might as well make the best of it while you’re here.

“We’re going to Marley for a fancy training camp, right?”

“Yeah! We’ve never gone before. Reiner and Eren’s families are both from there! Eren’s older brother is the coach of one of Marley’s best university teams.”

“So why didn’t he go to that university?” You ask.

“Family drama,” Armin sighs. “I don’t think those two like each other at all. I won’t bore you with the details, but don’t expect Eren to be in the best mood when the camp starts.”

You watch in silence from your fold-out chair, hands folded neatly in your lap. Eren’s form is almost impeccable, even somewhat delicate as he serves the ball with unimaginable force. Ever since you arrived yesterday, the tension between him and his brother has been palpable. Coach Levi and Coach Zeke haven’t been seeming to get along well either, butting heads at every turn which has led to you having to sit in on a lot of mutual scowling. 

“He’s not your little shit to coach, Zeke,” Levi almost spits at him. “Not anymore anyway.” It’s only returned by a petty glare from the bearded man, who excuses himself at the comment. Despite the minor scuffles, you’ve been watching in awe as the boys focus themselves on the constant practice matches. It was beyond impressive, the middle blockers of the other team picking up on unspoken strategies just for Armin to adapt to their solution. 

Eren rushes in to spike the ball as it flies into the air, arm swinging before a loud smack resonates through the gym and a whistle wafts in the air. Eren pats Armin on the back, almost launching the poor, startled boy. You two make eye contact, and you shoot him a congratulatory thumbs-up. He doesn’t return the gesture, only going to cuss Jean out for a bad dig he made in the second set. It stings, even in a small way, but you get out of your chair and tidy up the gym as practice comes to a close. 

You sit with Levi, Zeke, and the manager of Liberio University’s team manager, Pieck. She shoots you awkward smiles every so often, you assume in attempts to diffuse the painful silences of the dinner that had been arranged up in the nature of hospitality.

“Is this your first time in Marley?” She smiles at you, taking a sip of the beer that sits in front of her. You nod, a pleasant smile coming across your face.

“It is! But I’m having a great time so far. I’m especially excited to check out the arcade room back at the university.”

“I have some paperwork I need to get in my office back at the school. I’ll show you how to get there since it’s along the way.”

True to his word, Zeke drives you and Levi back to the university, where Levi departs to the assigned housing to sleep off the travel earlier. He guides you through the ginormous, winding halls of the school, they’re never-ending in nature and decorated with trophies from students of the past. One catches your eye, it’s an ornate gold trophy, decorated by jewels at the cusp. 

The nameplate reads as Best Coach of the Year, 1996. Grisha Yeager. You pause, steps halting behind the taller man to inspect it from outside of the glass case. There are a few beside it, reading the same name, but for different years.

“Is this your father’s?”

He turns around, his scowl too obvious for comfort. Oh fuck. Should you not have asked that? Before you can attempt to rescind it, Zeke talks.

“Yes. He’s well-known in Marley for leading our volleyball team to win international competitions multiple years in a row.”

“Seems like the passion runs in the family,” you chide in, despite being unsure of Zeke’s pleasure on the current subject. Although, you’re not quite sure what is pleasurable for him overall. The entire time you’ve been here he’s seemed displeased by everyone’s presence, whether it be Levi, Eren, or even you. 

“I am where I am because I did it to please my father. Eren still loves it, in spite of our father. There’s a reason he went as far for school as possible.”

“So, if you don’t love volleyball, why do you care so much about what Eren does now? You’ve been tearing him apart since we got here.”

“Because he can do better than our father. I want to see Grisha Yeager crushed.” Oh. What the fuck? You shake it off, following Zeke as he deems the conservation over and resumes his trek to his office. As you arrive, you first start by standing at the door frame, but allow yourself in as he beckons you. He clears the paperwork off of his desk, placing it in his briefcase before locking his gaze with you.

“Sit.” 

“What?” You glance around the room, trying to figure out at which seat he’s implicating. 

“Sit on my desk.” His voice is commanding, the same brutal tone he used when scolding Eren’s missed spikes. You step forward, legs moving on their own before you find solace on the cold wooden desk, cringing as it touches your exposed legs. Zeke’s fingers land on your chin, grabbing it and forcing it into a position where you look up at him.

“You’re so obedient, keep it that way or see what happens. I’m not in the best of moods, so I’m really not trying to play any fucking games.” His fingers are sophisticated as he removes your shirt, pads tracing your skin in unrecognizable patterns. He begins by playing with your nipples through your bra first, experimentally before they resume their professionalism in toying with you. Even despite your confusion, your body reacts in indescribable ways, back arching to savor and give into his touch. He goes to unhook it, proceeding by latching his lips on one as his other hand caresses your other side.

You can feel his cock nudge against you every time he shifts, allowing yourself to whimper at the gain and sudden loss of contact in such a short period. Zeke releases his mouth from you, using the back of his hand to wipe the saliva off. 

“What do you want? I can’t be doing everything, even if you are such a desperate little bitch.” His hands play with the fabric of your skirt as he continues to stare you down, waiting for a response. 

“Eat me out, please.”

“Please, what?”

“Please, coach.” That answer seems to appease him as he flips your skirt up before kneeling and placing the smallest lick on your clit through your underwear. Your hands attempt to find solace in his hair, but are swatted away. Control issues, got it. You’re snapped out of your head as Zeke moves your panties to the side and immediately plunges a finger into your wet cunt without warning.

“You’re already fucking soaked,” he remarks coldly, but it’s followed by his tongue finding its placing on your clit once again. The brutal, face-paced assault on your hole continues as he continues, unrelenting in the wake of your moans bouncing off the walls. You feel as he adds another finger inside before picking his pace back up to where it was. You feel as the coil builds in your stomach, a familiar feeling drawing in closer.

Zeke’s fingers stop their ministrations in full as he shifts his focus up to you. “Good little sluts beg to cum.” He withdraws his fingers and you clench around the emptiness. Instead, you feel as he traces lazy circles around your sensitive spots, clearly not interested in allowing you the time to think.

“Please, oh my god, please. Coach! Let me cum all over your fingers.” Zeke only nods in acknowledgement, but you feel as his spit lands against your hole erotically. Unwavering in his resolve, he ignores your gasp of shock and his pace resumes its toe curling effect. Once again, the feeling reaches its fever pitch as you release along his fingers. He slows down before finally stopping. Zeke stands up, placing his fingers along your lips.

“Lick it up, all of it. I can’t fucking stand filthy bitches.”

[twistedtummies2]

Top 5 Portrayals of Charles Augustus Milverton

Our final list devoted to the supporting cast of Sherlock Holmes and his world was the single most challenging to create. I’ve talked about Professor Moriarty, Irene Adler, and Sebastian Moran in previous lists, and all of them are villains I think most would place in the “love to hate” category. These are characters who, either because they are simply entertaining, or because they have some deeper and more complex elements of interest, we actually enjoy seeing in action (to some degree or another), and perhaps even find ourselves rooting for to some degree. Of course, an antagonist of any sort doesn’t HAVE to be likable in order to be effective: they simply need to be good at what they do, which is providing opposition to the protagonist. Some bad guys are meant to be characters the readers - as well as the heroes of the story - find utterly and totally repugnant. A friend of mine refers to them as “punchable” villains, and I think that’s accurate: they’re characters you just hate with a passion and want nothing more than to see them decked out with a punch to the face, if not something better. One of the earliest examples of such “punchable” characters is our topic for today: the Master Blackmailer, Charles Augustus Milverton. Despite only appearing in one story (which, to be fair, is the treatment nearly all of Holmes’ enemies got), Milverton has made his mark as one of the detectives most infamous and despicable villains, mostly because of the fact that not only are the readers meant to hate him…but even Holmes HIMSELF expresses absolute DISGUST with Milverton. The character is written to be the most deplorable slimeball on the face of the Earth, his attitude and actions so vile that even the World’s Greatest Detective - who has faced so many criminals and crooks - despises him. Keep in mind, Holmes holds nothing but respect for Professor Moriarty, the Napoleon of Crime and his arch-enemy: for him to so utterly detest Milverton is a sign of just how awful a person this character is.

Milverton is an opportunistic cad of the highest order. He is described as a sort of human snake, with Doyle using reptilian analogies for the character’s motions, appearance, and so forth. In the books, Milverton does what he does primarily for greed: he blackmails people and profits off of their misfortunes, and this is really how he makes much of his living. Nearly everything he owns is due to him weaseling money, power, and so forth out of other human beings. To make matters worse, if someone DOESN’T pay up, he still profits in his own mind: once the dirty laundry he hangs over their heads gets aired out to the populace, everyone else in his grasp, present or future, will KNOW he’s being serious. It’s indicated that Milverton takes sadistic joy out of what he does, as he craves the feeling of being in power and control over others: in some versions, even in death, he shows neither remorse nor even fear, as he still believes, after he’s gone, he’ll have the upper hand. In others - including the original story that bears his name - once he realizes he’s cornered, he cowers and cringes and crawls like the craven worm he is. Either way, any time Milverton is beaten, it is satisfying beyond belief: that is ultimately the way he is meant to be. A smear on the fabric of humanity that everyone - the readers, the protagonists, and I suspect even the author - feels VERY happy to see washed away. To say there are “favorite” versions of Milverton of mine is overselling things. That indicates I actually LIKE the guy in ANY rendition, and I really don’t: no one is supposed to. But I felt, given his reputation and prominence, he deserved some limelight as much as the other characters I’ve covered. So, I looked at a few basics: which versions were the most satisfying to see beaten, which versions were played by actors I have a particular fondness for (despite such a horrible fiend being their role), and which ones did something interesting with the character that I can’t help but praise? Taking all those things together, allow to present - with an almighty asterisk beside the title - My Top 5 “Favorite” Portrayals of Charles Augustus Milverton.

5. Barry Jones, from the 60s BBC Series.

Jones is what might be termed - and you will pardon my blunt and crude analogy - your “basic b!tch” Milverton. He sticks to the source and sticks to it truly, without much reimagining involved. That’s not a bad thing, but I think other Milvertons higher up do a bit more interesting twists with the character. Jones is perfect casting, being a master at playing snobbish and reprehensibly dandified fellows; in another Sherlock Holmes outing, the film “A Study in Terror,” he played such a character in the form of the Duke of Shires: a slightly comical fop who starts off as an unlikeable so-and-so, but eventually shows he has a good heart beneath his pompous exterior. Milverton is essentially if you took that character and removed all likability from his soul.

4. Boris Ryzhukin, from The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes & Dr. Watson.

While I think Jones’ portrayal of the Master Blackmailer is closer to the novel, Ryzhukin’s performance is equally excellent, and the adaptation makes an interesting change to the character. In this version, Milverton’s story is the prelude to the events of “The Final Problem,” as he is revealed to be one of Professor Moriarty’s top agents. His case is therefore the catalyst that sets off the chain of events ending in the battle at Reichenbach Falls.

3. Robert Hardy, from the Granada Series.

While I have some issues with the creative liberties taken in this adaptation of the story - which is very rare for the Brett series, I must confess - I think Robert Hardy’s take on Milverton is absolutely perfect, being both accurate to the source and going just a little bit beyond that to make him as creepy and even intimidating as he is slimy and sickening. Not much else to say, just a masterclass of fine acting in the guise of a thoroughly awful dastard.

2. Lars Mikkelsen, from Sherlock.

In this version, the character is renamed “Charles Augustus Magnussen,” to better match Mikkelsen’s Danish roots. The change of name, however, does nothing to disguise this versions nastiness. While much of season three of “Sherlock” was “meh,” I think Magnussen’s episode is one of the best of the whole series, and while he is a totally dispensable customer, the incarnation was very interesting. In this version, Magnussen has the exact same “powers” as Sherlock Holmes, being just as much of a genius and a brilliant expert at deduction as the detective, if not superior to him. He uses these abilities to figure out people’s weaknesses more easily and exploit them.

1. The Version from Moriarty the Patriot.

This is the closest any version of Milverton has come to being a “love to hate” character for me. (The keyword being “closest.”) While we’ve seen a version of Milverton who worked for Moriarty, this version turns out to be an enemy to BOTH Sherlock Holmes AND his arch-nemesis, and ends up being the closest thing to a “big bad” the series has given us so far. He is described as the “pure evil” counterpoint to Moriarty’s “necessary evil” in this reimagining, and is fueled more by his sadistic desires than greed. He's voiced by Kenji Nojima in Japanese, and Kayleigh McKee in the English Dub.

[florafaunatic]

What's so cool about the way UT aus evolved

For many years I would draw and sketch and stuff. Not all of it was spectacular, but it wasn't bad. Yet, at some point or another I would end up ripping the drawing up or throwing it away. It was never out of malicious intent. I just did it. I don't know why either; it wasn't like I disliked the drawings.

So, I discovered the insanely large and depth-y fandom of Undertale. Pretty soon, I started reading about the star sanses and bad sanses. I put a lot of effort into figuring out the canon (fanon since none of it was canon???) truths about the characters and what was fanon (like what Blue's deal actually was). As I was reading comics I came across a alternate multiverse where Error was a chaotic child and Ink was a tired dad. In the comic (I wish I could remember what it was called so I can credit the artist) Error makes friends with these shadow creatures. They lead him to help destroy an au that the artist seemingly wanted gone. Ink later finds/kidnaps him and brings him home. Ink explains that many creators, for whatever reason, want to destroy their work. But in the long run, it's not what they want. He says that everything, no matter how "bad" it is deserves to exist. Just so someone knows it's there. Even if it isn't shared with the world, that doesn't matter.

After reading that comic I thought about Ink. He's a soulless creature seeking to feel things by feeding off the beautiful work creators and him make. I think, perhaps unintentionally perhaps intentionally, Ink is a metaphor for artists and creators (the non-canon kind). We seek validation or happiness or even any emotion from the things we and others create. We could be having trouble with finding our own emotions outside of the internet. It's okay to need to escape our lives for a little bit. It's not a bad thing if you have an idea to share at all. Helping others feel better is good too. But just like Ink we have to be careful not to let it consume our lives. We can't let fandoms be the only way we can feel. We have to generate emotion in other areas of our lives as well. We have to make sure our community isn't only online. We have to make sure that what we say online is safe, and that we are not unintentionally exposing ourselves to dangerous people.

Next, I addressed Error. He too, can be a metaphor. He reflects the opposite side of the spectrum. He is has been so hurt in the past, even if he doesn't understand how, that he feels the need to hurt others. He could be compared to a hater, but I don't like that term. Hurt people hurt people, and while that doesn't make internet hate okay or justified by any means, it can offer and explanation. People who say mean things about art (actually mean and baseless things, not voicing an opinion) are probably seeking attention. The want to fight with you because the consequences don't seem real. You have no idea what's going on in their lives, just like they don't know you. When they seek that attention, don't give it. Walk away in the metaphorical internet sense. If you need to, block them. But don't fight hate with hate. It never works. We have to love the people who hurt us or it's no use in saying we aren't like them. If you remember saying something mean on the internet, I'm sorry for you. Even if you don't believe it, there are people who love you. So, so many people.

Neither of these characters were created for this purpose. They weren't even meant to go together. But still they make a beautiful world for everyone to enjoy. So whether you are an artist or a reader, an Error or an Ink, whether you are like me or not, we built this sorta by accident, so let's appreciate how cool it is.

[fuzzballsheltiepants]

So this has been said before and by better people than me, but the thing is, anything worth doing is worth doing badly. 

There are people talking about AI art being somehow valid because it means that “anyone can create art” but—anyone can create art [see this post for some lovely discussion and examples.]. It’s part of what makes us human. Humanity has been unique among all of evolution for creating and sharing art, whether that be stories or music or paintings or crafts. Drawing in wet sand, handprints in concrete. Kids make art on our walls; we wash it off and they do it again. We sing in the shower and doodle on scrap paper. We tell stories because we don’t know how not to, even if it’s a simple as what happened during our day. 

The oldest known instruments are bone flutes from 40000 years ago; likewise, the oldest known paintings. There are oral histories that have been passed down for tens of thousands of years. We yearn to create, to share parts of ourselves in one way or another. We yearn to learn about each other from these shared fragments. There are countless museums all over the world with millions of visitors each year who travel just to see what someone else created, what bits of themselves they gave to the world.

AI “art” isn’t art. It doesn’t create from a soul, it doesn’t share fragments of its self. It steals people’s fragments and mashes them together to make something that may be aesthetically pleasing, but that can never be more than that. It can’t tell a truth because it doesn’t know what truth is.

But in this modern world where everything is commodified, every hobby is supposed to be monetized, everything is supposed to pass some sort of “test”, it’s easy to fall into the trap of thinking that aesthetically pleasing is all that matters. It’s easy to want to earn those clicks, those likes, to feel validated by something that was mashed together by your keystrokes. It's easy to embrace the pleasant lies.

It’s hard to be bad at something. It’s hard to spend hours making something, to make yourself vulnerable, and have it not live up to what was in your head. But that’s also the nature of being human. Nobody is born good at something; they work at it. And sometimes that work isn’t aesthetically pleasing. Sometimes the story reads awkwardly. Sometimes you hit a wrong note, or spend the whole song out of key. Sometimes the photo isn’t in focus, and the pot is lopsided, and the cake looks like you dropped it. 

Sometimes you scare your cat with the glorious cacophony of learning. 

You can’t get good without being bad first, and looking at what’s bad, and trying again. Maybe this time, your lines will be crisper, even if your proportions are still off. Maybe this time, you’ll have one good sentence, one good paragraph. This time, you’ll play Chopsticks and only be off on a couple of notes; your scarf is lumpy but it’s warm and vibrant. You remember the crumb layer on your cake and it tastes good, and you meant to take a picture of the flower but you got the bee in focus, and the pot is still lopsided but it looks like a Dali clock and you kind of like it. 

Or maybe not. Maybe it will never be Insta-worthy, maybe it will lurk in your word processor for the rest of time, maybe the sketch never leaves the sketchbook and you never sing on stage. But even if it’s bad—it’s still truth. It’s still a piece of you. And that is still a celebration of being human.

If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing badly.

[savagewildnerness]

Nicki, I feel you. Oh, but that we could only escape ourselves & just become music. I don’t know whether this captures anything Lestat feels from Nicki’s music, or that Nicki feels. But here it is: me feeling today.

Improvisation:

“Still the sound came. It came rising out of the instrument and cleaving the night as if it were some shining element, other than air and light and matter, that might climb to the very stars. He bore down on the strings, and I could almost see him against my eyelids, swaying back and forth, his head bowed against the violin as if he meant to pass into the music, and then all sense of him vanished and there was only the sound. The long vibrant notes, and the chilling glissandos, and the violin singing in its own tongue to make every other form of speech seem false. Yet as the song deepened, it became the very essence of despair as if its beauty were a horrid coincidence, grotesquery without a particle of truth.

Was this what he believed, what he had always believed when I talked on and on about goodness? Was he making the violin say it? Was he deliberately creating those long, pure liquid notes to say that beauty meant nothing because it came from the despair inside him, and it had nothing to do with the despair finally, because the despair wasn't beautiful, and beauty then was a horrid irony? I didn't know the answer. But the sound went beyond him as it always had. It grew bigger than the despair. It fell effortlessly into a slow melody, like water seeking its own downward mountain path. It grew richer and darker still and there seemed something undisciplined and chastening in it, and heartbreaking and vast. I lay on my back on the roof now with my eyes on the stars.

Pinpoints of light mortals could not have seen. Phantom clouds. And the raw, piercing sound of the violin coming slowly with exquisite tension to a close. I didn't move. I was in some silent understanding of the language the violin spoke to me.

Nicki, if we could talk again ... If "our conversation" could only continue. Beauty wasn't the treachery he imagined it to be, rather it was an uncharted land where one could make a thousand fatal errors, a wild and indifferent paradise without signposts of evil or good. In spite of all the refinements of civilization that conspired to make art-the dizzying perfection of the string quartet or the sprawling grandeur of Fragonard's canvases-beauty was savage. It was as dangerous and lawless as the earth had been eons before man had one single coherent thought in his head or wrote codes of conduct on tablets of clay. Beauty was a Savage Garden.”

[orbmanson7]

I can't seem to go five minutes without thinking about more Logan angst today, so have this, too. It's an old thought that I've mentioned for years but never really posted here on tumblr.

Thomas' immediate reaction to Logan's appearance in Accepting Anxiety (Part 1) is to say "Ah, Logan's here, so I probably did something wrong." Logan then appears genuinely surprised and even somewhat distressed to hear Thomas say this, dismissing it as untrue before continuing to address his concern with Thomas' behavior.

The implication here, though, is that Thomas doesn't care about what he's saying but may commonly think this, even if only subconsciously, due to Logan's role in the series.

Thomas had become very accustomed to Logan only showing up to give exposition, provide knowledge and resources to better understand and discuss a topic, and to ultimately assist in resolving conflicts and issues Thomas has had. It makes sense that, through all that, Thomas may have inadvertently made a correlation of "I did something wrong" with Logan's arrival.

This is not necessarily something uncommon, both in real life and in media. Take, for instance, the myth of the Mothman. Some believe multiple sightings of the cryptid was a warning sign to an upcoming danger, based on a single instance in which several sightings of the Mothman occurred in and around Point Pleasant in a short period of time before a tragic bridge collapse that took many lives. There is nothing to suggest the cryptid had anything to do with the situation, but people were inclined to believe it merely due to the creature's appearance leading up to the disaster.

In Logan's case, even all the way back in Accepting Anxiety (Part 1), Logan was already being seen as his role of Thomas' logic and reasoning, not as Logan, a nerdy teacher character. He represents Logic, and logic dictates knowledge and advice, creates schedules and routines for Thomas' benefit, and only really exists to provide what is needed. Logan, on the other hand, is a big nerd who likes learning new vocabulary, indulging in his interests of space and watching Doctor Who, and reading mystery and sci-fi novels. He likes puzzles and trivia and Crofters and feeling like he's been useful and helped Thomas to the best of his ability.

Take another example, as it is not unreasonable for someone in the fictional version of Queens, NY to see Spiderman as a sign that crime is happening. While the hero's goal is to help fight that crime and serve justice, it is not as though merely seeing Spiderman means there is trouble afoot. But because people often only see or hear of the hero in regards to his role as the city's protector, they are more likely to see Spiderman for what he does rather than who he is.

If Peter Parker (or any other variation of Spiderman) were to walk around town, people wouldn't immediately associate his presence with danger or crime, but they might if he was still dressed as Spiderman. And that, right there, is the center of the issue - recognizing someone more for their role, but not as a person.

But Logan isn't the one who the other sides or Thomas seem to ever appreciate or want around. What they need is Logic, and what they don't want is Logan.

Virgil said it himself in Learning New Things About Ourselves with "No matter what we do, logic always has a part to play, Logan." While meant to be a positive message in context, indicating there are many different ways to address a problem, there is a negative connotation to this message, as well. The others' failure to consider Logan's difficulty in understanding their methodology only resulted in Logan believing his methods were ineffective and wrong. Being told that "logic has a part to play" indicates to him that they need Logic, but they didn't say they needed Logan (even though they spent a whole song stating that they needed all the other sides, specifically).

While some of the others also struggle with their identity separate from their role in the series, they often seek out the other sides for comfort and help with this issue. They are met with empathy, efforts to understand, and the assistance they need. Unfortunately for Logan, this doesn't happen for him, both due to what he understands for his role (he is meant to provide, not to receive) and his unwillingness to reach out to the others and break away from his role (especially as time goes on, as we've seen). Logan does not reach out and does not challenge the others' perceptions of him, and this results in his identity being taken up more and more by his role.

At this point in the series, it's a wonder he's involved at all except to provide exposition when asked. No matter all the times he's been dismissed or silenced, he adapts and finds new ways to benefit Thomas and fulfill his role while staying out of the way as much as possible. But, at some point, he's either going to adapt to something harmful (either to himself or Thomas) or he's going to refuse to keep adapting and stand up against his unfair treatment, challenging Thomas and the other sides' perceptions of him and the role he serves.

I hope it turns out okay, at least.

[harrysballerinahouse]

Sir.

Pt 2. Coming soon...

CEO/BossHarry x FemReader

A little bit of enemy’s to lovers. Fluffy 🥰

T/w: aggression, attempted assault.

*********

Pleasing.

One of the most wild and out there inclusive and sustainable brands of a generation. Also your workplace since it first opened. You came on to a temp position as a lawyer planning to leave once they found someone with more experience to fill the position permanently, which turned into your contract being extended which turned into being offered the permanent position as the legal executive anyway.

It wasn’t your typical lawyer job, the dress code was a little more relaxed compared to previous companies you had worked for, even to this day you couldn’t bring yourself to not wear heels of some description to work. You held yourself to high standards in regards to your appearance, particularly when you never knew when the CEO would pop in.

You had really only spoken to Mr Styles a few times, but that was enough for you to form your opinion of him, he was your least favourite person to roam the Earth. You had major differences of opinion to how legal issues should be handled, you had always been down the line and straight to the point and you had the results and reputation to prove that it worked majority of the time. However Mr Styles was of the opinion that things should be negotiated and that Pleasing should be the sweet side of the deal rather than get to the point which meant in a number of cases you spent a lot longer negotiating deals than you should have and was also resulting in the company losing money.

You knew this was fact because your best friend worked in marketing and things were slow for him at the moment because there wasn’t much money to spend on promotion. Just last week Joel had been given a four day weekend just because there was no work to be done.

******

Today was a big day for you, the quarterly financials meeting, these generally involved the heads of each department, yourself included as well as the CEO and a few key investors. These were also the meetings you hated every last second of because the CEO never agreed with you or even bothered to look at your reports on how much the company was losing just in law suits in a week. Mr Styles was oblivious and honestly, you thought sometimes he was living in his own fantasy land, just creating the company as something to fill in his time.

Taking your seat a few places down from where Mr Styles would be seated, you place your cup of coffee above the meetings agenda and reports that were stacked at each seat. The other department heads and investors begin to roll in before finally Mr Styles himself arrives “apologies for the tardiness everyone, small family emergency” he mumbles taking his seat at the head of the table, “let’s get started shall we?” He looks around rubbing his hands together. The COO Adam stands and starts going through the overall loss and profit margins for the last three months and surprise surprise the company was still running at a total loss of almost 2.5 million per month.

Each department head then goes over their own profit-loss margins working their way around the table towards you. When it was finally your turn you look over what you had prepared before standing just as the others had. “Mr Styles, I would like to bring to your attention a string of recent lawsuits against us from another major skincare and cosmetics brand. In the last month alone we’ve run at a 5 million dollar total loss in just settlements to this company, the way we conduct ourselves in legal matters is simply not effective. I understand our sales have improved significantly since expanding the collections however, if we continue on this type of trajectory our reputation will eventually take a hit, NDA’s won’t stop a company that we’ve already settled with from dragging our name through the mud”

Mr Styles sits and ponders your words for a moment “I don’t see an issue with how we handle our legal issues here, we’re going to run at a loss when it comes to settlements.” You felt yourself getting angry at his statement “with all due respect Mr Styles, we should be fighting these lawsuits harder, we have the resources and knowledge to be able to so why aren’t we?” You ask the agitation clear in your voice. “Miss Y/L/N” Adam scolds you shrug “I’m just telling it how it is, we run at a ridiculous loss in legal because of these lawsuits because we’re not allowed to fight what we know we can win, I want to change that then Pleasing will flourish, this isn’t about ego or status, it’s about keeping this company afloat, we have staff in other departments having three day working weeks because we have nothing for them to work on!” 

Mr Styles has was resting under his chin glancing between you and Adam, who was seemingly hoping his glare would kill you there and then, “alright Miss Y/L/N, I’ll give you this next quarter do run legal the way you want, fight which ever battles the way you see fit and we’ll see who’s method works better” you nod “thank you Mr Styles, I’ll be sure to keep you up to date” you say before sitting down trying to hide the fact that you were quiet impressed with yourself in that current moment.

The final piece on the agenda was the annual company holiday party. This was often something that would occur in early November to beat the holiday rush that the company experienced later in the month and into December. Since you had begun at Pleasing a large majority of the planning for the holiday party was left to you. The last few years this party had been held in the function room of a local hotel, this year however you were changing things up wanting booking a local winery instead with gorgeous views and amazing wines and cocktails, just what you needed to get through a day of celebrations with colleagues and of course the snobby CEO.

Finally once the meeting is over your able to go back to your office shutting yourself away. You turn to walk towards your desk to find Joel already sitting in your chair causing you to jump, gasping “what the hell are you doing?!” You exclaim “you scared the life out of me!” You scold placing your papers on your desk “I was bored, thought I’d come and see what you were up to, Harry has literally nothing for us to do in marketing because we have no money” he sighs dramatically. Joel was one of the first friends you made here at Pleasing, he took the gay best friend stereotype to another level. You think about his words for a moment “Harry?” You ask confused causing Joel to scoff “are you insane?! The ridiculously hot man you just had a two hour long meeting with!” You glare at him to tone it down “you mean Mr Styles…get out of my chair” you pester needing to get some work done.

“Mr Styles and I finally sort of understand each other, he’s letting me run legal the way I want for the quarter” Joel sits in a chair on the other sise of your desk giving you a sly eye “maybe he likes a powerful woman” he winks “stop it. He’s our boss” you say sitting down to go through some paperwork “are we going for drinks tonight?” Joel asks swiping through Grindr on his phone “for the millionth time, I said I would be there” you say a little snappy causing Joel to look up “for the love of all things gay we need to get you laid, snappy exec isn’t a good look on you.” He chimes in standing up “I’m sorry, I just have a lot to do,I got really angry in the meeting, I want to prove to Mr Styles that things need to change around here for good” you sigh. Joel comes around to you hugging your shoulders, “you’re the best lawyer here, I’m sure whatever you need to prove, you’ll be able to do it, and if you don’t just flash him your tits or something, I don’t really know what straight men want” he shrugs letting you go walking to your office door “I’ll see you tonight, don’t be late!” He calls out as he walking out.

*****

By the time you left work it was 7pm, drinks were supposed to be straight after work at 5:30 but you got so caught up in a new lawsuit and then planning some more of the office holiday party that you didn’t even realise what the time was. You quickly pack up and rush off to find everyone already a few cocktails deep “I’m so sorry I’m late” you whisper to Joel with a pout he shrugs “it’s ok, we were just thinking of going to a different bar, look over in the corner” you look at him confused before looking over to see Mr Styles at a smaller table with a woman, presumably on a date “ugh, I agree with that, let’s get out of here, there’s a new bar just opened not far from my apartment, should we try there?” You ask starting to clear the table off a little to help the staff. The same group from work came here almost every fortnight so now you were all just in a routine of helping to clean up after yourselves before you left and it sometimes meant you got free drinks.

Heading out you glance once more in your bosses direction to see him already looking at you. You glare at him as his date clings to his side playing with the collar of his shirt. You roll your eyes before following Joel out the door. The group of you pile into an Uber and head over to the new bar near your place. Sitting down next to Joel you begin chatting to another of the girls from marketing as your first round of drinks arrive. You get a few rounds in before Joel nudges your side “my girl…what’s wrong?” He asks wrapping an arm around you, you shrug “I think it’s just work, that finances meeting took it out of me today” you sigh “I think I just need a night at home” you say softly spinning your glass in your hand glancing at Joel. He nods slowly “finish this round?” He asks and you nod breaking into a smile “of course” you giggle a little. You spent another twenty minutes or so with the group before you started to gather your things to go home.

Joel walks you out to the front of the bar pulling you in for a hug “look after yourself yeah? Please don’t work over the weekend” he sighs a little you nod hugging him back “I’ll try not to but lawsuits don’t sleep, see you Monday?” You ask softly. Joel nods “go get some sleep, love ya bitch” he smiles kissing your cheek before letting you go.

*******

The weekend went by slowly, but it was what you needed to reset. Sunday you had spent the afternoon sending off emails to vendors for the work party so that replies would come in early in the work week. You were lounging on the couch scrolling through Pinterest looking for decoration inspiration when your phone began to ring with a number you didn’t recognise. You glance at it for a moment before picking up “Hello?” You answer down the line waiting a moment for a response “Y/n? It’s Harr- uh, Mr Styles” you sit up a little “um Mr Styles Hi, what can I do for you?” You ask he clears his throat “I have a breakfast meeting tomorrow for a potential collaboration and I would be really grateful if you could come alone to go over contracts and everything?” He asks you process the question for a moment “Bess usually handles new contracts Mr Styles, do you really need me?” You ask “Bess has had a family emergency she can’t make it” he responds you sigh a little “yeah ok, I can fill in for her” he let’s put a sigh of relief “thank you so much, I really appreciate it, I’ll get the contracts and meeting details sent over to you and I’ll see you in the conference room at 7am” before you knew it he had hung up, you groan tossing your phone to one side giving yourself one last moment to relax before picking your phone up heading to your desk to look over the contracts overnight.

Spending most of the night going over the contracts and making changes to benefit Pleasing, you left your desk at 5am to start getting ready, having a shower trying to wake yourself up. Putting some makeup on around 6am your phone begins to chime with Mr Styles phone number illuminating your screen you quickly pick up “Good morning” you chime trying to sound enthusiastic and at least awake “Good morning, you’re up already by the sounds of things, have you had a chance to look over the contracts?” He asks hearing him clattering around in his kitchen “yeah, I looked over them last night and added in some proposed changes to benefit us, I’ll send them over to you now” you place your phone on speaker sending the documents off. “Did you sleep at all? This is an entire days worth of work” you giggle a little “after we spoke last night I got straight into the contracts, there’s a few more changes I wanted to make but it got to 5am and I figured I should probably get ready” the line goes silent for a moment “Wow Y/n that’s real dedication, are you sure your going to be ok to work all day?” Mr Styles asks “I’ll be fine, not the first time I’ve done long hours like that, I should probably get going, I’ll see you at 7 Mr Styles” you say before hanging up, wanting to end the conversation quickly. 

Harry was honestly surprised at how dedicated to your job you were and he appreciated that a lot of the work you did was under the radar. On his drive in to work he stopped at one of this favourite coffee shops picking himself up his usual espresso and a latte for you hoping that he got your order right. He felt as though he had been a little tough on you, seeing that you were so dedicated to ensuring Pleasing was succuessful and even having the guts to make you opinions known in the finances meeting made him regret how he had treated you. Pulling into the car park Harry grabbed his bags and made his way up to his office dropping a few things off and picking a few up before heading to the conference room.

Heading down the hall Harry expected to be the first one there, but inching closer to the conference room he noticed the lights already on and the room essentially set up for the breakfast meeting due to start in half an hour. Walking in Harry finds you sitting at the table, head basically in your laptop still going over the contracts. “Morning” Harry smiles softly, you just about jump out of your skin partially due to sleep deprivation, but also not expecting anyone to arrive until closer to 7, “Mr Styles!” you exclaim trying to catch your breath “I didn’t expect you to be here so early” you sigh. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to frighten you, I actually came in to set up but looks like you beat me to it...I um I got you a latte I hope that’s ok” He says a little shy compared to how he usually presents himself. You look up from your computer smiling a little “thank you, you didn’t have to do that Mr Styles” He shakes his head placing the coffee cup next to you “Please... call me Harry.” You couldn’t help but blush a little at your boss asking you to call him by his first name. You were about to respond when some other lawyers and execs start to flow into the conference room. 

The meeting ran reletively smoothly, both you and Harry managed to negotiate most of the changes to the contract, which for you, meant the night without sleep was worth while. Once everyone had left and it was just you and Harry you stretch in your chair, trying to hold in a yawn and failing miserably, you hear Harry chuckle off to the side “if you want the rest of the day off I wouldn’t be mad in the slightest, I understand now why we asked you to stay on permanently” he says softly moving closer to you.

You couldn’t help but smile a little at the compliment it was the first time that you’d felt appreciated in this role. You look up at Harry with tired eyes “I’ll be ok Harry, nothing a little bit of coffee can’t fix” he smirks a little “I’m sure your right but I’m concerned that that’s already your third coffee since we’ve been here, let alone the coffee you probably consumed before you got here” you sigh softly knowing he was right but not wanting to give in “Harry. I’ll be fine. End of” you retort. He holds his hands up in defeat. “Ok, I’ll leave you to it then, thank you for saving the day, I truely appreciate it, let me know if there’s anything I can do for you today” you shrug “no thanks needed, it’s what you pay me for” you smile softly. Harry only nods before making his way to his office.

The rest of your day dragged on, you got through a few contract changes and spent most of the afternoon on party prep to keep yourself awake. It was this weekend and everything was organised. Vendors has emailed you back with confirmations this morning, the last thing you had to do was find yourself something to wear. The company usually kept things semi formal for this particular event. You wanted to let your hair down a little and be a little more daring this year. You shoot a message off to Joel to see if he was free to help you pick something. Before he could reply your office phone began to ring. “Legal, this is Y/n” you answer not really looking at where the call was coming from “Y/n, it’s Harry, could you come to my office for a moment?” He asks you stammer a little trying to find your words “umm yeah ok, I’ll be there in 5” you hang up and collect a few things expecting this to be work related.

You make it to Harry’s assistance desk and smile softly at her “Hi, I’m just here to see Mr Styles” without saying a word she motions for you to head into his office. You walk towards the door and knock softly before opening it seeing Harry sitting at his desk on the phone. He motions for you to come in and take a seat. He finishes up with his phone call directing his attention to you “Hi” he smiles softly. He almost looked nervous and it made you a little bit giddy for him, which you weren’t sure how to feel about. “I just wanted to touch base and see how you were feeling, haven’t fallen asleep at your desk yet?” He asks you smile a little and shake your head “no, no unexpected naps yet” you giggle. Harry just smiles at you taking you in for a moment before realising himself that he was just staring at you, clearing his throat you bite your lip a little trying to hold in your awkward laugh “I um was hoping you had some time to talk to me about the company party? I know we touched on it briefly in the finances meeting but I’d love to know what you’ve got planned” Harry explains giving you his undivided attention “yeah of course” you spent about an hour going through all of your plans with Harry to which he hardly spoke and could barely take his eyes off you the entire time.

“This is amazing work, really thank you Y/n, a lot of what you do goes unrecognised because you never make a fuss or take credit for these things so thank you so so much” Harry smiles. All of a sudden you felt this wave of affection for the man sitting before you. You always thought he was some stuck up CEO when in fact he actually really cared for his company, it was nice that the feeling was mutual. “I should have let you run legal the way you wanted a long time ago, I’m sorry I’ve been so uptight” you shake your head a little “Mr Styles this is your company, you’re allowed to run it the way you see fit” he chuckles a little “even when I’m telling you your right you won’t take credit, be honest with me though, is it that bad?” He asks. You just nod “I think everyone tried to cover it, I just prefer to be brutally honest about it all“ Harry sighs softly “i really appreciate you bringing everything to my attention, I wish I’d been more open to listening to you in the first place...hey I usually have something at my place after the holiday party, I’d love to have you there this year...and you’re more the welcome to bring Joel everyone else brings their partners so you should to” his smile soon fades at the confused look plastered on your face “Mr Styles-“ you begin before he cuts you off “Harry” he says before letting you carry on rolling your eyes a little “Harry, you know Joel’s gay right?” Harry’s eyes grow wide and he begins to apologise profusely causing you to laugh “it’s fine, really it’s fine, quiet funny actually” you smirk. Harry’s cheeks has gone cherry red and was shaking his head to himself “I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have assumed anything, but either way the invitation stands” he says softly. You nod and smile “It’ll be just me, but I’d love to be there” you say softly causing Harry to smile “great”. You finalise a few other details for the company party before you head out making your way straight to Joel’s office.

“You will never guess what just happened” you giggle sitting down. Joel takes one look at you and speaks up “baby girl, have you slept?” He asks. You simply shake your head “no and that’s not what I was coming to tell you, Harry thought you and I were a couple” Joel breaks out in hysterical laughter “that’s the funniest shit I’ve ever heard, no offence sweetheart your adorable but even if I was straight your not my type” you pout a little “thanks?” You say softly not sure if it was really a compliment or not. “So it sounds like you and our hunky CEO are getting along?” Joel asks with a knowing look “I guess we are, he invited me to an after party at his place, he’s been really nice I don’t know what’s going on but it’s kind of hot” you sigh annoyed that you found yourself attracted to a man you usually despise.

“Don’t get too caught up ma’am, remember you saw him on a date like three days ago.” Joel reminds you. You tilt your head to one side for a moment thinking about his words “I guess your right, I hadn’t really thought of that” Joel shakes his head a little “babes you just need to get laid it’s been too long, what about that Tom guy from HR didn’t he ask for your number?” You nod “yeah he never texted me but maybe I’ll get drunk enough at this holiday party that I’ll make a move on him, but that’s a later problem right now I need your help to pick a dress can we go shopping after work?” You ask. Joel smirks “we could go now?” You glare at him “it’s only 4:30” Joel just nods and glares back “yeah and you’ve been here since 6:30 and been up all night and not had a lunch break so news flash sunshine we’re going” you groan a little “fine, let me go and grab my things” you say heading off to your office.

You head up to your office and grab your bags swinging by the legal receptionist desk “Hey Maria, I’m heading out for the day, just forward any of my calls to my mobile” you smile softly she nods before you begin to walk off “oh Y/n wait!” She calls out standing up coming after you “Mr Styles assistant dropped this off for you earlier” she says passing you an envelope you thank her before continuing back to Joel’s office. You open the envelope to find a note ‘consider this a bonus on top of your bonus, thank you for all of your incredible work, I’d be lost without you - H x’ you blush reading his note as you walk into Joel’s office. You pull out a cheque for five thousand dollars and gasp a little only expecting it to be a small amount. Joel looks up at you “what’s wrong?” He asks “Harry just gave me a bonus on top of my Christmas bonus…. And a note that’s ridiculously sweet” you pass it over to Joel who’s quickly reads over it and smiles “he’s got the hots for you, c’mon if your going to end up fucking the CEO after the holiday party the least you can do is look ridiculously hot”

******

Saturday morning. The day of the holiday party. It had both you and Harry all kinds of nervous. You and Joel had come to the venue first thing to help them set up before heading home around lunch time to start getting ready. “Do you really think Harry is going to like this dress?!” You call out from your walk in robe. Joel soon appears in the doorway “wow, now I’m no straight man but damn sweetheart you look fucking incredible, I’m so glad they had that dress in your size” his compliment causes you to smile a little looking yourself over in the mirror again. Joel had found the dress and you were initially a little skeptical that it was too much but you felt amazing in it.

The red fabric hugged your hips perfectly and the low back really complimented your shape, you pop some earrings in and some perfume on before grabbing a coat.

Arriving you see there’s already quiet a few people at the venue. You hand your coat over to the clerk before heading into the venue seeing several familiar faces. You take a moment to take the room in, everything was perfect. Joel nudges your side a little “you’ve outdone yourself….someone’s already gawking at you” he smiles “enjoy tonight please, I’m going to go and cause some trouble” he smiles heading away from you leaving you standing at the entrance. You look over towards Harry and see him staring at you not at all involved in the conversation around him. You decide to play hardball and head over to the bar first grabbing yourself a drink mingling with a few people.

About an hour passes you’d kept your eye on Harry and found him already looking at you almost every time you caught his eye. Next thing you know Harry is at the front of the venue with a microphone in hand. This was his usual every year, he would make a speech thanking everyone for another year of hard work. “Hi everyone, thank you all for coming out tonight, I’ll keep this short and sweet, I just want to thank you all for the hard work and effort you’ve put in this year, I just wanted to highlight a few that have gone above and beyond this year, Joel in marketing you’ve done some incredible stuff this year and boosted our exposure ten fold so thank you. Tania in development you and your entire team have put a lot of hours in and given us some of our best ideas this year and finally, Y/n our legal exec, Y/n goes above and beyond every single year with late nights, early mornings and sometimes missing out on sleep all together because the CEO is a bit of an ass” the room erupts in a sea of laughter as you smile a little watching Harry who was watching you “Y/n is also the reason we have a holiday party each year, she organises every last detail so on behalf of everyone thank you Y/n we appreciate you so much. And thank you everyone for coming out, now please go and enjoy your night blow off some steam!” Harry chuckles as everyone cheers as glasses begin clinking together as people toast.

You sip on your drink and glance over at Harry again noticing he was making his way over to you “Hi” he smiles softly “Hey” you respond “nice speech” you smirk trying to hold in your giggle. He chuckles softly “well you do way more than I expect of anyone you deserve the recognition” you shrug a little “the bonus check ontop of my bonus check was a bit much, but thank you Harry, I really appreciate it” you smile softly he chuckles a little looking at his feet “you deserve it and I would definitely be lost without you…” Harry pauses for a moment “you umm, you look stunning by the way that dress…wow” he sighs out. You blush and smile softly “thank you, you scrub up pretty well yourself Harry” from a corner you hear Joel calling out to you you sigh a little “sorry I better go rein him in, see you later?” You ask placing your hand on Harry’s forearm he nods smiling “of course” he says softly helping you off the bar stool you were perched on before leaning down to kiss your cheek.

You reach Joel who was just standing giggling at you clearly tispy “What the hell man, I was just talking to Harry and your big mouth just had to but in” Joel glares at you “excuse me Miss thing back that attitude up” you bat your eyes looking back at him “fine, I’m sorry, what’s up?” You ask “I was just talking to Harry’s assistant, that girl he was with at the bar when we saw him, complete doozy his assistant said she keeps calling him at work and he keeps screening her calls saying he’s not in or he’s busy” you look at Joel before scanning the room finding Harry chatting to Bess “ok, so?” You ask coming back to Joel “are you insane?! He gives you cute notes, bonuses and just talked about you like the sun shines out of your ass, he wants you dummy” you groan a little “but I hated him like a week ago” Joel grabs your shoulders “who cares? He’s got the hots for you and let’s be real you only hated him because of work crap, you actually don’t really know him they well, I’m not saying to have to marry him just go and have fun, let your hair down please” Joel begs you sigh and admit defeat, heading back to the bar for another drink.

Waiting for your order you hear someone slide in next to you, thinking it was Harry you turn and smile only to see if was Luke one of the office rascals, he did this to you at almost every work event, got up close and personal, making moves on you and using every derogatory joke in the book, you turned him down every single time. He’s appalling. You quickly turn away from him “awww c’mon sweet cheeks, got any love for Lukie?” He questions you groan a little not wanting to hear another word out of his mouth you feel him move closer to you and his breath that reeked of alcohol next to your ear “with an ass like that you’d have enough love for three of me-" he mumbles your drink arrives before he finishes his sentence. You walk away towards the bathrooms needing a moment to yourself.

Luke was the kind of guy that never took a hint so when you rounded to corner down the corridor to the bathrooms you turn a little and see him following you catching up to you quite quickly, “Go away Luke” you call out wanting to be left alone. He rounds you preventing you from making it to the bathroom “what’s wrong baby, we’re just having fun” he says inching closer towards you backing you against a wall “Luke leave me alone please” you beg scared for whatever fantasy he has going on in his head in one swift move he pins you against the wall your back slamming up against the brick kncocking your drink from your hand and some of your breath from your lungs. His knee moved  between your thighs preventing you from kicking out against him his hands trying to make their way up your dress but trying to wrangle your arms as you try to push him away. “Luke get off me!” You yell as he leans in trying to connect his lips with any part of you he could get his mouth on.

Thrashing and panting in his arms trying to break away from his hold one of his hands starts to move up the slit in your dress, tears sting your eyes your lip trembling about to accept what was going to be your fate when all of a sudden it was as though Luke’s body weight had never been upon you. Without even thinking you drop to the floor covering your face sobbing into your knees trying to cover as much of yourself as you could feeling overly exposed. All you could hear was two men yelling at one another and the echo of fists making contact with skin rung through the corridor until finally everything stopped. All that could be heard were your sobs, you felt someone kneel down next to you causing you to shudder and hold yourself tighter. “Hey hey hey” the voice whispers reassuringly “it’s just me” you recognised Harry’s voice, but you didn’t want to look at him in your current state he places his hands next to your elbows trying his best to comfort you “c’mon, let’s get you out of here for a moment” he whispers.

Very slowly you stand still not wanting to make eye contact with him, with either of them, once you’re upright he slips his blazer off placing it over your shoulders “is there anything I can get you, do you want Joel instead of me?” He offers politely. You simply shake your head not really wanting to talk or even think. Harry begins to guide you outside to get some air. You weren’t sure who he was speaking to but you heard him talking to someone “make sure that piece of shit never steps foot in my company building again, he’s not welcome to pack his desk either, there will be nothing left of it” Harry’s tone was stern but very reassuring, he had your back right now and its exactly what you needed.

Sitting down outside your still hadn’t worked up the courage to look at Harry he just sat with you in silence ready to listen if you needed him to. You eventually break the silence when Harry hands you a clean tissue from his pocket “thank you” you whisper, quieter than you’d ever been, you soon follow up “I’m sorry” you glance up a little to look at Harry who was looking at you with a red mark to his jaw but with nothing but concern for you “please….don’t apologise” Harry whispers in reply “none of this was your fault, he’s a tool” Harry whispers taking your hand in his rubbing the top of your knuckles softly “is there anything I can do?” He asks shaking your head you move to rest your temple on Harry’s shoulder the come down from all the adrenaline making you sleepy.

You stay like that for what felt like hours, not speaking, just sitting “I think I want to leave” you say softly hugging Harry’s blazer closer to you taking a deep breath in “want me to take you home?” He asks it was evident in his voice he felt more uncomfortable about leaving you alone after what he just witnessed. You nod a little “yes please”. Harry wraps an arm around you hugging you a little “need me to grab anything for you?” He asks softly “I- I left my coat inside….but please don’t leave me Harry” you beg you voice beginning to shake. Harry scoops you up holding you to his chest rubbing your back “it’s ok, you’re ok I promise, I’m not going anywhere” you both stay put until you calm down again “how about, we walk around to the front of the venue and get your coat so no one sees and then we can go?” He asks you nod softly in his chest “thank you” you whisper softly.

Harry helps you to your feet before guiding you around to the front of the venue you go to walk up to collect your coat when you stop “I’m sorry Harry” he shakes his head “please y/n don’t apologise, he was being an ass hat” you shake your head “I’m sorry that he hit you” Harry let’s out a huff, when you look up at him he was smiling at you “I’d happily take a few hits if it means stopping him from getting to you y/n, please don’t apologise for his shitty behaviour” he says softly holding a hand out to help you up the steps to the front entrance to collect your coat. Taking Harry’s hand you felt safe so safe that once you made it back into the venue you didn’t want to let go. Harry let you hold his hand to collect your coat, walk to his car even on the drive home he never once asked you to let him go. Pulling up outside of your apartment you just stare at the building not wanting to get out Harry gives your hand a squeeze “why don’t you stay in my guest room tonight?” He asks “I want you to feel safe” he adds you look over at him and nod “please” you whisper Harry just nods and smiles.

Harry came up to your apartment to help you grab a few things but in reality you just didn’t want to be alone. You sit in silence on the car ride to Harry’s. Making it up to his penthouse he helps you get settled showing you the guest room and bathroom. He lets you get settled and into some comfy warmer clothes while he makes you both something to eat as you make your way back to the open living and dining space Harry makes his way to you with a cup in hand as the smell of eggs fills your senses “hot chocolate?” Harry offers you nod smiling a little for the first time tonight “thank you” you take the mug from Harry’s hands and sip the warm liquid. “Are you hungry? I’m making omelettes” Harry offers you nod a little “yes please.”

You follow Harry back to the kitchen and sit at the kitchen island watching him cook “thank you” you say after a few minutes after you sat down “I’m sorry I haven’t always been the nicest employee ever” Harry turns a little smiling at you “you’re probably one of the only employees who’s is completely honest with me and I really respect that and appreciate it, so I should be thanking you” you couldn’t help but blush a little.

You and Harry ate together and chat for most of the night, you happened to glance at your phone and see it was almost midnight “Harry weren’t you supposed to be having an after party here?” You ask. He nods “I actually decided to cancel, my staff as individuals come first, especially when without them I’d probably be broke” he jokes you smile a little “I’m sure on the back of such a successful music career it would take a while for you to go broke” Harry chuckles before you reach out rubbing your thumb over the growing bruise on his jaw “y’ok?” You ask softly Harry nods taking your hand in his “I’m ok, I want you to be ok though” he says softly you shrug a little “I’ll be ok, I think it just shocked me more than anything I didn’t expect it to happen” Harry’s brows crease “you shouldn’t expect it to happen, no one should expect for something like that to happen to them” you sigh looking down and yours and Harry’s hands “I don’t even know why I reacted the way I did” you let out a shaky breath trying to hold your tears in “because it’s never happened before? Because I should be able to provide you with a safe workplace” you let out a little scoff as some tears slip “I wish I could say it’s never happened before” Harry sighs standing “shit” he mumbles softly pulling you into his chest “I’m so so sorry” he holds you close as you give in letting your tears fall staining Harry’s white dress shirt with your tears and makeup.

After what felt like forever you calmed down and collected yourself, looking up at Harry you see him trying to hold back his own tears “I’m so sorry that happened to you, I’m sorry for every shitty man you’ve ever had to put up with, no one deserves to go through that” Harry places a kiss to your hair still holding you close “thank you for looking after me” you mumble sighing out, “Anytime” Harry whispers softly.

*****

Once you had both collected yourselves Harry got you set for the night in the guest room, but part of you didn’t know what to do, you felt too disgusted to even think about sleeping but you were more tired than ever. Then there was the fact that you were at your bosses place in his guest bedroom in your underwear. Harry had really gone above and beyond for you in the last few weeks and you had been so tough on him prior to that. You felt terrible.

At around 4:30 your usual alarm started sounding from your phone you rolled over groaning a little turning it off sitting up a little, you sigh a little and drag yourself out of bed to the bathroom before heading out to the kitchen for a glass of water you head out to the couch and sit down watching as the London breeze moves the trees in the park across the road. You sigh softly you pull your knees up to your chest it wasn’t long before the kitchen light flicked on. You turn in your seat looking over to see Harry in track pants, chest bare.

You sit just watching your boss making coffee, it was such a mundane activity, you’d never really thought of him doing these things himself, you figured he had a whole team of people that did a lot of these things for him. “Morning” you say loud enough for Harry to hear. His head pops up looking in your direction “Hey” he smiles, “I thought you’d be asleep still” you shrug a little “I couldn’t really sleep” you sigh getting up to sit across from Harry at the kitchen island. “Coffee?” He asks, you nod slightly “yes please” Harry passes you a cup before coming to sit next to you. “I won’t stay long I’ll just have this and order an Uber” you say softly glancing over at him “don’t rush please it’s only just gone 5am, besides it’s nice having company” he starts before sipping from his cup.

“I’d love to hear more about you, and how you plan on helping me run Pleasing permanently” Harry’s statement causes your ears to perk up. You look over at him confused as ever “what are you talking about?” You ask softly he just grins “I don’t need to wait for the rest of the quarter, you’ve proved to me this week that I’ve been doing things wrong, and I’d love your help to fix it, Adam gave his notice Thursday his family want to move back to the US and put their roots down permanently I had a month to find someone to fill the position but I think I’ve already done it” Harry says glancing at you trying to hold in his smile.

“Is this a joke?” you ask not believing Harry completely he just laughs before turning to look directly at you “Miss Y/L/N, I would like to formally offer you the position as the new COO for an immediate start….please say yes, the CEO’s been on my back about this” he whispers the last part causing you to giggle before nodding biting your lip softly “Ok…I’ll do it” you smile, Harry just about jumps out of his seat “are you serious?” He asks, you just nod giggling a little “yeah I’d love to” you smile Harry jumps off his seat pulling you into a tight hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you” Harry whispers kissing your head softly.

You pull away looking up at Harry who was already smiling down at you. You reach up running your hand over the bruise that had popped up on Harry’s jaw from the night before you sigh a little. Harry moves to cup your cheeks shaking his head a little “it’s ok” he whispers. He leans down a little to rest his forehead against yours but hesitates “sorry, I should have thought about that more” he pulls away a little.

Before you even thought about what you were doing you pulled Harry back down to you connecting you lips to his in a quick kiss. Harry stumbles back a little shocked at your actions. He looks at you wide eyed panting a little you feel the heat rise in your cheeks embarrassed at what you’d done. “I- I’m sorry” you whimper hastily making your way back to the guest room ordering an Uber while you pack your things. Harry waits a moment trying to process what had just happened “y/n” Harry’s says softly standing in the doorway “I’m sorry Harry, I’m- I’m just going to go” you say softly pulling your bag over your shoulder pushing past Harry heading to the front door “y/n wait please” he sighs trying to head after you. Before Harry could go after you you’d slipped outside and into your Uber.

******

You spent the better half of the rest of the weekend feeling like that dumb cliche employee. Monday morning rolled around and you were dreading it more than ever. You’d have to face Harry and more than likely face the millions of questions to where you disappeared to on Saturday.

Parking your car you sigh a little just sitting for a moment trying to hype yourself up enough to go inside. You hadn’t heard from Harry all weekend Joel had tried to text and call but when you never replied he stopped. You wanted to talk to him about this in person and God knows he’ll be sitting in your office waiting for you when you finally make it up there.

You drag yourself inside and head up to your office. You should get into betting, just as you expected Joel was sitting in your chair waiting for you when you walked in the door “Hi lovely” he says giving you a sympathetic look. “You already know?” You ask “I think everyone does” he says softly you groan a little sitting across from him “but I do have some questions, where did you go? After I tried to call and you didn’t answer I went over to your place and it looked like there was no one there but your car was in your spot” you bite your lip softly knowing there was no talking yourself out of this one. “Umm, Harry let me stay at his place for the night, I didn’t want to be alone”

Joel’s eyes go wide as he grips the edge of your desk “I’m sorry ma’am he let you stay with him? I don’t want to break away from the main issue here but that a big thing for even you to be ok with” you shrug “he did literally everything to help me feel safe, then I fucked it up Sunday morning by giving him a peck on the lips and then running out of there like a 15 year old girl” Joel sighs running his hands through his hair “I’ve known you for a while now, whatever is going to happen with you and him will happen, and I know you’ll work it out, I was honestly just coming to make sure that your ok” he says standing up coming around to hug you tightly “I will be I promise” you mumble into his shoulder hugging him back “text me if you need anything?” He asks you nod before he lets you go kissing your temple before heading out.

Sitting at your desk sighing softly you felt guilty. Like you’d just left out a major detail of the weekend where you would essentially become Joel’s boss, well, everyone’s boss really just a step under Harry. You get settled in for the morning working through the piles of papers on your desk. Just before lunch your office phone rings. You jump a little before picking it up “legal, it’s Y/n” you say softly pushing some papers away “hey, it’s just Harry, have you got some time to come up and talk about your new contract?” He asks. You suck your teeth for a moment “umm yeah, sure, I’ll be up in a few” you say softly.

Heading up to Harry’s office you couldn’t help but hesitate to knock on his door. You knock softly and instantly cringe realising how awkward this was going to be. Harry calls out for you to come in. You smile softly as you walk in and Harry looks up from his computer “hey” he smiles wide standing up “how are you?” He asks leaning against his desk you blush a little “I’m good Harry, what’s up?” You ask, “I have something to show you” he smiles “follow me” he says softly heading out of his office. You follow suit heading away from Harry’s office to another. “I thought you might like an upgrade” he smiles softly motioning to the door with your name and new position on it “wow, you work quick here Styles” you giggle softly. “Well I wanted to make sure it was perfect” he smiles softly opening the door letting you in first you smile wide at the newly decorated office.

The walls were a light grey but still crisp and relaxing a timber accent wall behind your desk to lighten the room up. Harry had even decorated with a new, bigger desk than the one you already had, a new desktop and some plants scattered around your office “I um, noticed you had some plants in your office I thought you might like some more” he says softly from behind you “Harry, thank you so much I love it” you smile turning to face him to find him already staring at you.

Biting your lip softly you speak up “Harry I wanted to apologise, for Sunday morning I shouldn’t have done that” you say softly. He shakes his head “it’s ok, honestly. I was actually going to ask if you were free for dinner tonight?” He asks nervously letting out a breath that he felt he’d been holding in forever. You glance at your feet before nodding a little “I’d be ok with that” you smile softly. Harry tried to hide the childish grin plastered across his face “great, I’ll come and find you later?” He asks. You nod smiling a little “oh feel free to move into your new office whenever you’re ready, Adam decided to work from home for his last week so this is all yours whenever you want” Harry says softly stepping closer to you.

“I just wanted to say thank you, you really saved my butt on this, I think we’ll make a great team” you look up at Harry your breathing unsteady as Harry leans down to peck your cheek. You blush a little before there’s a knock on the door making you both jump stepping away from one another.

“Mr Styles there’s a phone call for you” his assistant calls out. Harry steps closer again his hand slowly falls to your waist squeezing a little “take a message please” he calls out softly looking into your eyes “happy?” He asks softly you nod moving your hands to rest on his chest “very happy” you smile softly as Harry’s hands snake around your waist. “Y’know I kind of didn’t like you when I first started here, but you’ve grown on me really quickly H” you admit glancing up to Harry’s eyes seeing him chuckle a little “hmm, I love being called H” he smiles before letting out a shaky breath “is this ok? I don’t want to push anything or go to fast I-” you cut him off before he could finish “Harry it’s ok, I trust you” you whisper.

Harry smiles widely leaking down kissing your forehead softly before pulling you in for a hug. You sigh softly relaxing into his chest, it was only a few moments of complete relaxation before your phone began to ring. You slowly pull away from Harry’s warmth glancing at your phone “it’s Maria…I should probably answer it” Harry smirks a little “probably just passing a message on from your boss, I hear he’s hard to please” he smiles as you release from his hold to grab your phone.

“Hi Maria, everything ok?” You sit at the end of your new desk as you talk to Maria, she soon brings up a job you’d be working on for a few weeks you move to the desk chair logging into the desktop phone held to your ear with your shoulder as Harry just watched you. After around twenty minutes and a few transfers of the call it finally ended and Harry was still patiently waiting for you sat on the sofa smiling at you.

“What’s that look for Mr Styles?” You ask trying to hold back your smile to hide how much you enjoyed this. “Just thinking about how glad I am that you said yes to this job, you’re perfect for it” Harry smiles you blush and giggle a little “I’m glad I said yes too” your phone begins to ring again causing you to sigh a little “I should get back to my old office, but I’ll see you later?” You ask standing up Harry following suit “definitely” he smiles you come over kissing his cheek softly.

******

The rest of your day flew, you hardly got a chance to look at your phone the rest of the day. When your finally caught up with everything it was almost 6:30 and you hadn’t heard from Harry yet, everyone else had started to head home you wanted to try and get as much work done before you moved out of this job for good. You go so caught up the next time you checked the clock is was 8pm you started to pack up your things to head home when your office phone began to ring. You recognised the extension as Harry’s office you pick up smiling a little “Hey Harry” you sit down again “Hey, so I was thinking considering I’ve left it pretty late to go out for dinner, how about I order in for us? Maybe I could help you move office tonight as well?” He asks you blush and giggle a little you felt like a giddy teenager “that sounds great, I’ll start packing some stuff up” “I’ll meet you in your office in a few” Harry responds you nod a little “sounds great H, see you soon” you smile before hanging up.

Harry felt genuinely nervous to spend some time alone with you that wasn’t after a traumatising event. He really wanted to get to know you better but didn’t want to go to fast. Harry ordered some dinner for you both setting it out in your new office before heading to your old office finding you still working “Hope your boss pays overtime” he smirks leaning against the door frame “he’s buying me dinner so I can’t complain” you wink as he walks in “c’mon, it’s only Monday and you’ve been here for 12 hours dinners in your new office” he smiles holding a hand out to you.

You gladly take it looking around your office a little “mind grabbing a box?” You ask look at them all scattered around your office “of course” he smiles picking up a couple of boxes stacking them on then each other. You grab a box of your own a few other bits and bobs. You walk with Harry in silence to your new office “it’s kind of scary only being down the hallway from you instead of on an entirely different floor” Harry chuckles “I didn’t know I was that scary” he glances in your direction “I wouldn’t say scary, maybe a little bit intimidating, but I think I’ll get used to it” you smile up at him turning into your new office seeing Harry had set dinner out already “H….you did all this already” you say softly looking around placing the boxes in your desk. “Thank you” you smile as Harry places the boxes he had next to yours and kissing your cheek on his way back up “my pleasure” he says softly cheeks a little red.

*******

Sitting down to dinner with Harry was honestly a little…awkward to say the least but in a good way, in a goofy way. The last time you sat down together in a work environment like this you basically argued about how legal should work. But this was a nice change, a mundane change. “So..” Harry starts “tell me more about yourself, I know where you went to uni and I know what you do for work so tell me about siblings, home life all that fun stuff” He finishes sipping from his water as you kick your heels off tucking one leg under the other on your seat. “Ok, I’m the oldest of four kids, my siblings Jared, Nick and Ashlinn think it’s crazy that I work for you. Grew up on a farm outside of Cheltenham then moved to Oxford and you know the rest” you say softly glancing at Harry. “Wait” Harry chuckles “why do they think it’s crazy?” He asks “well because you’re you, Harry Styles had, or still has, a successful music and acting career and is CEO of multimillion dollar company.” Harry hides his grin “well their sister is quiet impressive herself” he says glancing up at you as you try to hide your red cheeks.

“Tell me something no one knows” he says softly you giggle a little “like what?” You retort, Harry just shrugs “there has to be some deep dark secret there that no one knows” he says grabbing some more food you think about it for a moment “oh here’s one….I had a major crush on you growing up, when you were on x-factor……I don’t know why I told you that, it’s kind of embarrassing”. Harry laughs scooting a little closer to you “that’s actually really sweet, can I ask what changed? We’ve had a rocky work relationship the last few years.” You ponder Harry’s question for a moment “when I started here I loved it, and I still do now but in between I think I felt a little like the legal exec at the time was taking advantage of my commitment to the job which meant I resented you because he always blamed you, I think I just needed to see that young kid with curly hair in the CEO that I work with now, and I have, and he’s one of the nicest people I know here” you smile a little “you’re too nice to me Y’know that” you giggle a little “you just grew on me, I guess especially over the weekend, I’ve never felt so supported until that moment so thank you.”

Harry shrugs “honestly you’re my favourite employee I trust you more than anyone here m’glad we’re getting along better, m’glad I offered you the legal execs job, that’s not the first time I’ve been told he was hard to work with, I’m sorry some of my staffing decisions haven’t been the best” you start shaking your head “don’t apologise Harry, jobs interviews are basically just trying to judge someone character is half an hour it’s hard to do” you giggle a little turning your body to face Harry more your knees touching “what about you H, tell me about you and your family” he shrugs a little “there’s probably not much you don’t already know, I’ve got mum and Gemma they’re both really supportive….I’ve always found this really difficult trying to get to know people when they already know everything about me.” Y/n was giving Harry her undivided attention she understood where we was coming from because he was right she already knew a lot about him.

****

You and Harry finished up dinner and moved the rest of your office before moving back to the couch sitting next to one another “I haven’t told anyone yet, about the job offer, not even Joel” Harry glances at you “are you worried?” He asks softly you shrug moving to rest your head on his shoulder lightly “a little bit, it’ll be ok right?” You ask, your anxieties really coming to light. Harry nods wrapping an arm around you “your going to do great, I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t think you could do it” he says softly placing a kiss to your hair you hum a little snuggling into him a little more a wave of fatigue coming over you “we should get out of here, it’s almost 1am” you mumble trying to stifle a yawn. Harry chuckles a little “c’mon, I’ll walk you to your car” he smiles before standing up.

Harry holds his hands out to help you up which you gladly take. He pulls you up a little too quickly causing your tired body to jump into Harry’s. His hands move to your waist to steady you “y’ok?” He chuckles looking down at you. You nod rubbing your eyes a little “y’too cute” he smirks you smile a little “your not bad yourself Styles” you say wrapping your arms around his neck edging him closer towards you. Harry begins to slowly edge his lips closer to your and then back a little as if he was having his own internal struggle “you wanted to know about me?” He asks softly referring to your earlier conversation. You nod a little as Harry sticks your hair behind your ear, he pauses for a moment letting out a shaky breath. “I was harsh on you on purpose...” he starts “because I find you really attractive…I didn’t want to let myself get too caught up if you had a partner or if you weren’t looking for anything but I think working closer with you these last few weeks seeing how compassionate you are and how strong you are-“ even though he was pouring out his feelings to you, you couldn’t let him finish because you knew how you felt about him already. You wrap your arms around his shoulders pulling him in for a kiss, nothing to extravagant just enough for him to realise you didn’t need to hear anymore because you already knew.

His hands automatically drop to your waist pulling you closer to him you smile on his lips Harry hums against you one hand moving to cup your cheek softly. He slowly pulls away looking into your eyes trying to read how you were feeling and where the sudden confidence came from to kiss him. Harry grinned at you like a kid “sorry” he chuckles a little “I didn’t mean to just stare at you” he pulls away a little seemingly catching his breath. “It’s ok” you say softly “we should get home…” Harry says softly, you shrug a little “Honestly we have to be back here so soon we may as well just sleep here” Harry looks at you a crease present in his brows “why’d I get the feeling you’ve done that before” he says softly you shrug a little “I won’t confirm or deny” you knew Harry could read straight through you in that moment. You’d done it before on several occasions in fact.

“Well if you’re going to be too stubborn to go home then it’s only fair I stay here too” you giggle a little “c’mon then I’ve got a spot” you take Harry’s hand leading him to the elevator “it goes without saying, this is kind of my secret spot, not even Joel knows about it but as my boss please don’t get mad at me” Harry wraps an arm around your shoulder as you lean into him “not making any promises” he says softly before kissing into your hair, you glance up at him “I’m joking” he chuckles “your dedication is what keeps this place going half the time I don’t think I could ever actually be mad at you, frustrated, maybe. But not mad” he smiles softly as the elevator dings to the very top floor.

It was smaller than all the other floors, which is why it was used for storing spare furniture, sometimes you came up here just for some peace and quiet, it also had the best views in the building, Harry thought it was his office, but he was wrong.

The nights you stayed too late were the nights you ended up sleeping up here and using the office gym to shower and change to make it look like you had been home. “What are we doing up here?” Harry asks as you lead him towards one of the offices that you’d basically turned into a bedroom “this is my little spot, for me” you say softly opening the office door to reveal the makeshift bed, with blankets and pillows and an overnight bag on the floor holding a spare change of clothes and some comfy clothes for you to sleep in. “Ok” Harry says softly “I’m not mad, but I am a little concerned to how much overtime you probably haven’t been paid for since you worked here, sweetheart be honest with me, how often do you stay the night at work?” Harry asks dropping your hand to look at you properly. You shrug a little “once a week sometimes twice, it just depends really, on really bad weeks I’ve stayed up to four nights, I go home on my lunch breaks to get more clothes.”

Harry stares at you in awe “why did you never tell anyone?” He asks genuinely shocked by what you were telling him “it’s my choice Harry, I truely love my job, but it takes sacrifice” you say looking down at your feet. Harry sighs softly kissing your forehead “thank you” he whispers softly “for every single thing you do I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough” he says wrapping his hands around yours bumping his nose to yours “thank you” you say softly “this is kind of my favourite place, look at the view” you tug Harry’s hand a little.

“I already like the view” Harry says pecking your lips softly you giggle against Harry’s lips “I’m serious you goose” you say after he pulls away you tug Harry’s hand again causing him to turn to look out the window “wow” he exhales looking out at the London sky line “I’ll never get used to being home all the time” he says softly you snuggle into Harry’s side a little “cold?” He asks softly you nod it wasn’t very well heated up on the top floor “c’mon let’s get tucked in….umm, do you mind if I sleep in my boxers?” He asks nervously “no not at all” you smile up at Harry kissing his cheek before grabbing your bag taking out some clothes before slipping out to the bathroom leaving Harry to get comfortable.

Arriving back Harry was snuggled into the makeshift bed with just about every blanket and throw over him waiting for you he smiles in your direction an oversized jumper covering a quarter of the way down your thighs. “This is quiet domestic of us” Harry’s says softly pushing the covers back for you. You giggle a little climbing in next to him “it is, I hope it’s comfortable, half the time I’m so tired by the time I get up here I just fall asleep” Harry smiles a little turning to you “it’s surprisingly comfortable” he says softly you raise an eyebrow at him “ok it’s not the most comfortable thing ever, but I’m not worried about comfort” he says smiling a little.

“Do we need a pillow wall?” You ask jokingly. Harry chuckles “I think we’ll be ok don’t you?” He asks you nod smiling “I was joking” you giggle. Harry smiles as you lean over to kiss his cheek. “Goodnight Harry” you whisper softly snuggling down into the covers already becoming groggy due to current lack of sleep. “Goodnight y/n” Harry whispers before you fall asleep.

*****

Waking up the next morning the weather was less than pleasant, you were almost hugging the side of the bed trying to keep some distance between you and Harry. It had been a confusing 72 hours to say the least between kissing Harry, accepting a new position and now sleeping in the same dodgy ass bed with him you didn’t know what to think about any of it. You sigh a little rolling over expecting to bump into Harry but finding nothing.

You sit up looking around the room seeing no one else there you sigh a little look at the time seeing it was only 6:30 you drag yourself from the bed packing everything up before grabbing your overnight bag heading down to the work gym you shower and get yourself ready for the day. Heading down to your car to drop your overnight bag in the trunk you see Harry pulling in. He steps out of his car coffee and breakfast in hand a Pleasing hoodie hugging his torso.

“Good morning” you say softly causing Harry to jump “Hi” he smiles before glancing at his watch “it’s early, I thought you’d be asleep still” you shrug a little “honestly this is like a sleep in for me” you giggle a little Harry just smiles looking you up and down “I love that sweater” he chuckles referring to cream coloured knit with lemons on it. “How does coffee and breakfast in your new office sound?” He asks beginning to head to the elevator to take you both back inside “I would say you know how to keep a girl happy H” you smirk glancing in his direction.

You both climb into the elevator Harry hands you your coffee kissing your temple “I hope I didn’t wake you this morning, you looked so peaceful” he comments as if it wouldn’t just make you melt you just look at him smiling trying to find your words eventually giving up lifting your jaw to close. You make your way up to your office with Harry beside you in silence you sit down together stealing small glances at one another every so often. 8am rolls around and everyone else slowly starts to flow in meaning both yours and Harry’s phones soon started ringing yours first with Joel’s name illuminating your screen “sorry I should grab this” you say softly picking up the device sliding across to answer the call. “Hey you, wha-” you didn’t even get to finish before Joel was booming down the line “what the fuck?! Did you quit?!” He almost screams “What? No why?” You ask “your office is empty” he says genuinely sounding disappointed “oh my goodness honey no, I haven’t had a chance to tell you yet, I’ll be right down don’t move” you say before hanging up.

Looking at Harry the crease in his brow present “is everything ok?” He asks softly you nod “I haven’t told Joel about the promotion and he thinks I’ve left because my old office is empty” you say softly standing grabbing your phone “I’m sorry I’m running out on breakfast” Harry shakes his head taking your hand “it’s ok y/n do what you need to I’m here all day” he smiles a little standing as well grabbing his things “I’ll see you later?” He asks softly, you nod as he pulls you closer checking the coast was clear before pressing his lips to your causing hands to rest just under Harry’s jaw “don’t get us a caught Harry, dunno what the boss would think” you hum against his causing him to chuckle and smile “you’re so cheeky” he chuckles against your lips pecking them a few more times “let me know if you need anything ok?” You nod slowly peeling away from each other.

*****

Racing down to your old office you find Joel sitting in the new bare office “hey” you say softly he looks up at you and you couldn’t read him at all, he looked angry upset and confused all at once but you couldn’t pin point one. “Let’s go talk” you say softly “just tell me one thing…are you leaving?” He asks you shake your head smiling a little “no sweetheart, I’m not leaving” you say “c’mon I have something to show you” he follows you up to the CEO floor, “what are we doing up here?” He asks. “Going to my new office” you smile as you make it to your office door with your name and position printed upon it. Joel looks at the door then back at you then back at the door “that….that’s you, it…it says COO” you nod giggling a little “yeah it does” you say softly letting the information sink in yourself.

“Are you serious? Babes that’s amazing! I’m so proud” he smiles pulling you in for the tightest hug you’ve ever had “thank you” you giggle a little hugging him back “we need to celebrate!” He says pulling away holding your shoulders “drinks Friday night to celebrate you?!” You nod “I would love that! Come in, there’s more to tell you” you say softly opening your office door for Joel. You chat for about an hour and tell him everything about what was going on between you and Harry.

Once you had finished Joel just looked at you a little shocked but also processing everything still “invite him along…on Friday, we can all hang out together and try and sus him out for you” you nod “ok, but hear me out for a second, I like him, he’s actually really sweet, I’d love to spend time with you guys and with him all together it’ll be great” Joel stands coming to hug you “I’m so proud of you, I’m glad that you guys are doing whatever it is that your doing, you’d make a cute couple, and freakin hot power couple I mean look at this, working on the same floor just down the hall from one another” Joel smiles giving you a squeeze causing you to giggle “ok, ok calm down” you laugh. “I better go, my best friends my boss now I don’t want to upset her” he chuckles you pout a little before saying your goodbyes.

****

You spent a large majority of your week on zoom calls with Adam trying to fill in the gaps for the COO job and trying to find someone else to pick up the leftovers in legal now that they were one down. You and Harry had kept things pretty relaxed most of the week you had texted on and off throughout and he had arrived with coffee for you both almost each morning. Starting the morning ritual of coffee a kiss and a little catch up on the main issues for the day. Neither of your had brought up that fact that you weren’t sure what was happening just that you were enjoying being around one another. You didn’t want to leave the little bubble you had created it was comfortable and it felt incredibly safe, just what you needed.

Joel swung past your office Friday afternoon double checking you were still on for the night you assured him for what felt like the 10th time this week that you and Harry would be there on time, with bells on.

At 5:30 you had for once managed to get everything done for the day, you took yourself down to Harry’s office his assistant already gone for the day, you knock softly and hear him call out. You let yourself in smiling softly “hey you….almost ready?” You ask softly moving towards his desk. Harry stands “just finished up, what a day, I didn’t realise how hard my job was going to get when I have such an attractive COO, it’s hard to focus with you walking past all day, especially in those jeans” he teases as his hands move to hold your waist “can I steal a kiss before we go for drinks?” He begs pulling you closer. You giggle wrapping your arms around him “mmm I’m sure I can spare some time for you” you say softly before pressing your lips to Harry’s.

Harry pulls you closer his hands moving lower to grip your rump your hands move to his chest grinning on his lips “can I tell you something?” You ask. Harry nods pulling away for you to look up at him “I kind of missed you this week” you say softly causing Harry to smile “I missed you as well” he sighs softly pulling you back to him kissing you again. After a few more minutes you pull away “c’mon we don’t need to be late, Joel will destroy us both” you say softly. You walk out with Harry keeping a bit of distance between you both you didn’t need investors seeing you all cuddled up to one another.

The walk to the bar got you thinking about what you would say if someone asked what you and Harry were doing. “Hey H” you say softly glancing over at him, he simply hums in response hooking his index finger around your pinkie “what are we going to say if someone asks what we are? We’re not exactly great at keeping our hands off each other” Harry glances at you sucking his lips in “that’s a good point, what would you like to tell them?” He asks you shrug a little “I don’t really know, I know I like you” he takes your hand properly giving it a squeeze, “I’m the same, I don’t really know what I want to tell them but I know I like you” he smiles softly pulling you into him kissing your temple softly you blush a little as you walk up to the bar.

Joel had organised an courtyard table knowing that Friday nights closer to the Holiday season got stupid busy and that you and your work mates liked being outside in the fresh air after being in the office all week. You guide Harry through the crowd of people until you make it outside to the courtyard seeing Joel, Kim and a few other work mates sitting around a table. Joel sees you first, coming over to give you a hug that you gladly accept “I’m so glad you made it” he says softly “me too, I hope you guys haven’t been waiting long” you smile a little pulling away “obviously you know Harry” you giggle a little as Harry smiles at Joel before Joel yanks him in for a hug “look after her, us gays may seem sweet but we’re vicious” he says just loud enough for you to hear. Harry just chuckles “no  intension of going anywhere or hurting her” Harry says smiling in your direction staring at you in awe, you blush a little and kiss his cheek once Joel lets him go you head over to sit down with the rest of the group.

You were all pretty squished up on the picnic style benches and the others couldn’t really stop staring at the fact the CEO was there sitting at the table as well. Joel helps you to get the conversation flowing and after an hours and a few rounds everyone was having a great time, the other girls partners had arrived and Joel was getting you all to help him find someone on Grindr for the weekend. You all ordered some food for the table and being a few drinks in you were getting a little clingy to Harry’s delight it seemed, he had wrapped an arm around your waist pulling you into his side kissing your head causing Kim to shriek “hold the fuck on” she says pointing at you both “wait…are you guys… y/n?” She asks you giggle a little shrugging “we like each other it’s as simple as that” you say shutting down whatever else was going to come out of her mouth next. You look up at Harry who was simply smiling down at you trying to hold in his laugh. “Well I think you two would be adorable together, full on power couple right?” She says looking at Joel who then looks at you “she’s not wrong you know that” he just smirks you nudge him a little before Kim continues “I’m just saying, you know that Dan and I met at my old job and we both really liked each other, poor thing didn’t ask me out until that day I was leaving to work at Pleasing and it’s all worked out we’re engaged now” she says flashing her ring more towards Harry than you, given this was information you knew already.

Harry just reaches for your hand giving it a squeeze not wanting to put any pressure on you about whatever you were both doing you peck the corner of his lips “thank you” you whisper softly you sit around for a while before Harry squeezes your hand again holding up his phone “I gotta take this” he sighs softly you simply nod moving in to kiss his cheek but Harry moves to catch your lips instead smirking when he pulls away “just missed you” he smiles “I’ll be back in a few” he says softly pecking your lips once more. You giggle a little as he walks away to take the call, turning back you find the rest of the table staring at you.

“You have to tell us everything” Siobhan pipes up, you giggle a little and tell them most of what happened at the holiday party the weekend prior “Harry’s hardly left my side all week, it’s kind of comforting knowing he’s just down the hall too, I feel safe with him around, I feel terrible that I used to think he was horrible, he’s actually one of the nicest people I’ve ever met” you groan a little covering your face with your hands “I really really like him” the others were just looking at you giving you their undivided attention “oh my god she’s got the feels” Kim’s partner says you smile a little “I kinda do don’t I? I’m just scared it’s a little too quick I’d love to date Harry but I wanna get to know him better first” you say softly before taking the last sip of your drink “anyone else want another round? Must be my turn to buy?” You ask.

You get everyones order before heading inside to place it. While you wait you check your work emails to make sure nothing major had come up since you’d been out, when a strong pair of arms wrap around you and an all to familiar scent filled your nostrils. You smile a little wrapping your arms around his leaning into his chest “your supposed to be having fun not working” Harry whispers you giggle “says you taking work phone calls in a bar” you retort Harry just smirks placing a few dainty kisses to your neck “wrong Miss Y/L/N it was actually my sister, she was just checking in we do it every week at the same time because we’re both so busy” you turn in Harry’s hold smiling a little “H, that’s so sweet, I’m sorry I shouldn’t have assumed it was work” he shakes his head “it’s ok, I can understand why you would think it’s work, we are there a lot and it never stops” he says as you wrap your arms around his neck “I like your friends” Harry’s whispers his lips a mere inch from yours “really?” You asks smiling he just nods “they’re really fun, and I like that they’re ok with us not labelling things” you hum smiling a little “but, they got me thinking a little bit” Harry continues “I would love to take you on a proper date…if you’d like that?” He asks.

You pause teasing Harry making it seem like you were thinking about his offer “I’d love to H” you smile as Harry pulls you in close “you’re so cheeky sometimes you know that” he smirks before kissing you softly hands squeezing your waist as the bartender placed all the drinks you ordered on a tray for you to carry back out. “Do you guys do this every week?” Harry asks helping you to carry a few drinks back yiu shrug a little “we try to do at least once every two weeks but sometimes it’s more sometimes it’s less just depends on what we all have on, why?” You ask glancing at Harry for a brief moment “I was just wondering, seems like it’s good for morale” as soon as the words leave him mouth glare at him “don’t go all boss on me Styles, don’t overanalyse things, we do it for fun and to blow off steam if we’ve had a hectic week. It’s nice to just socialise with one another outside of work” you say softly making it back to the table placing the drinks down.

Harry moved to take your hands turning you towards him “hey,” he says softly “I’m sorry babe, I didn’t mean to read into it too far” he cups your cheeks kissing your nose before chuckling a little “you look so cute like this” he smiles you shove his chest a little trying to hold in your smile “you just called me babe” you smirk a little Harry jaw drops open to argue back before he stops himself “I guess I did, are you mad about it?” He asks his hands dropping to grip your hips you shake your head “not at all, I kinda like it” you wink smirking up at him before pulling him down til his lips meet yours in a needy kiss, you run your tongue across Harry’s bottom lip before realising your still with all your friends your pull away giggling a little “sorry” you smile seeing Harry looking all flustered he shakes his head a little dropping his head to your ear “what are you doing to me sweet girl” he whispers causing goosebumps to erupt on your skin. You look up at Harry with innocent eyes “stay at my place tonight?” You ask Harry nods leaning down to kiss you once more before you both sit down.

*****

Gathering your things to head home with Harry felt a little odd. Harry had said goodbye to everyone already and was headed out to flag down the Uber he ordered for you both. You did the rounds giving everyone a hug as they all started to collect their own belongings so they could head home too. You make it to Joel and hug him tightly “I was skeptical about this thing with you and Harry, but seeing you with him you look so happy sweetheart and he hardly took his eyes off your tonight, I have a feeling this is more than just liking each other and screwing around for fun” Joel smirks raising an eyebrow you smile a little “well I don’t want to jinx it, but I think that too, he’s everything I’ve ever wanted and more and he’s so damn supportive…he asked me on a proper date because of you guys, so thank you” you smile hugging him once more before saying your goodbyes and heading out to Harry “Hi handsome” you smile walking up behind him kissing his arm he turns to look at you smiling a little phone to his ear he leans down kissing your head softly taking your hand giving it a squeeze you rest your head against his arm as the Uber pulls up.

Halfway to your apartment Harry finishes up his phone call he leans over pecking your cheek placing his hand on your thigh “we have a problem” he sighs softly you look up at him with worried eyes “Luke’s suing for wrongful dismissal….says he didn’t do anything wrong and we had no right to terminate him.” You felt the anger rising and your blood rushing in your veins, you sit up instantly feeling sober “are you fucking shitting me?” You look at Harry already getting angry enough for tears to begin brewing.

“That’s not everything…he’s suing me personally as well and he’s trying to get me with an assault charge for punching him” your jaw drops you felt so incredibly guilty, “Harry I’m so-” he cuts you off before you even begin to apologise “No, please don’t do that pet, he did the wrong thing, we’re going to fight this” you sigh kissing Harry’s cheek hiding your face in his shoulder to hide your tears that we’re trying to escape “what do you we do H?” You ask softly “we’ll he’s trying to make it look like we planned everything down to him coming after you, so my lawyer said we just need to limit our public contact with one another and keep it professional at work, we’ll be ok sweetheart, I promise” Harry says grabbing your hand squeezing it as the Uber pulls up at your apartment. “I should go home” Harry sighs softly “need to do some damage control” he says pulling you in close to hug you you whimper some tears slipping as you nod. “Hey, we’re going to be ok, this isn’t forever he’s just a small problem, c’mere” Harry whispers lifting your chin whipping your tears kissing your head then moving to connect his lips to yours, resting his forehead to yours he sighs softly “I wish I could just sneak you home with me” he smiles a little.

You giggle a little sniffling “me too” you peck Harry’s lips again “I’ll call you in the morning” Harry says placing little kisses over your face “thank you” you smile a little before collecting your things getting out of the Uber you wave a little as the car pulls away.

You turn to your apartment and sigh as your lip begins to tremble again.

Why did this have to happen now. 

[schrodingersgirlboss]

The whole thing is so gross, but what I always come back to is like.........how did anyone ever think even the very first thing Kanye did -- asking if the lyric was okay -- wasn't disgusting? It's the most "is it okay if i hit you????" bs. I have never been able to bring myself to listen to the recording more than once b/c the strain is so obvious in her voice -- the "if I don't say yes I'm a bitch oh god I guess I have no choice" going through her head. A position SO MANY women have been in before, and is SO COMMON and SO DISGUSTING. Being asked something unconscionable, but you know if you say no you'll be punished, but you know underneath that how wildly unfair it is that the question is even being asked. But you can't do anything about that, because it's so fucking normal. It's such an insane no-win scenario and it's so insane how normal it is. It doesn't matter if she says okay, WHY DID YOU ASK IN THE FIRST PLACE? Why is it fucking normal for men to write lyrics like that about real fucking women in the first place? IT SHOULDN'T BE A POSSIBILITY IN THE FIRST PLACE. To say nothing of everything else he and Kim did afterwards. And the fact that yeah, it was inescapable. I wasn't even an online Swiftie then, and it touched me -- people talked it irl everywhere.

If she wanted to write an entire fucking album about it it wouldn't be "too much." Fuck, I hope Kim and Kanye are hounded by this until they die. I hope they never stop getting mean comments and questions about it. I genuinely consider it one of the most disgusting public episodes of misogyny of the past decade, up there with the Heard trial, the 2016 US election, and everything people put Megan Thee Stallion through after the shooting. I don't think it's a coincidence it (and those other events) came right after an uptick in feminism and women gaining power and presence in multiple fields -- it felt like punishment. It felt like a big fat fucking lesson meant to teach women and girls to shut up. Which is, frankly, still at the heart of nearly every stupid backlash she suffers. No, she's not perfect, but she's a woman who's become powerful because she's spent years creating art entirely about women's interior lives, appealing directly to women through everything from her lyrics to her videos without any real interest in earning male fans or interest, and started explicitly considering herself and her work in a feminist context after a man tried to destroy her. Now girls and women fill stadiums and then the hills behind them because they love her for this. And lots of people are desperate to punish her for it. But fuck them. She's made sure she'll never be erased and I thank god I've lived to see it. (Omg that turned into a stump speech. THAT'S HOW MAD I STILL AM ABOUT 2016)

god GO OFF. i'll forever be mad about 2016 and i was just watching the whole thing go down so i can only imagine how taylor felt. i agree that she could write an album about it, hell every single song she writes from now on could be about that and it still wouldn't be overreacting. such a gross display of misogyny that most people applauded, like this is what you get when you stand up to a powerful man. and now that you can't possibly look at it without admitting it was misogynistic, the solution is to say she's dramatic and that it wasn't that bad. i even saw an article once talking about how manipulative taylor is for writing songs putting herself as the victim in that situation and making her fans spend money on it. as if writing about their experiences isn't something every singer/songwriter does, and as if we don't interact with and buy her music because we LIKE it. the mental gymnastics to make her into this evil witch who's manipulating everyone are truly impressive.

and you're so right about the phone call too!! like why are we focusing on whether or not she agreed with the lyrics and not asking ourselves why is it okay for a man to ask something like that in the first place. why did people instantly take kanye and kim's word for it, judging by a phone call that wasn't even released in full, instead of trying to analyze the whole situation? and why are we, including a lot of feminists, STILL acting like taylor swift is the only woman in the world immune to misogyny

the fact that taylor's music is clearly for women and doesn't cater much to men is definitely why i felt drawn to her from the beginning, and definitely why people can't stand it that she's so successful. but oh well, she's out there selling out stadium concerts all over the world and living her best life like she should

[captainkurosolaire]

Resolute Once More, Forever Lastly.

Heading back to create a lot of writing and stories this year throughout. Return to what foremost matters. But within every New Year resides a newly grown sprout of light; hope. However intense we set our resolutions and tough forth with action is how well that hope blossoms into something worthy enough for memories... What I'm setting myself too is simple, but altering to my essence.

Now officially, a decade ago, upon this time. I endured my meant trial a very close touch to death. Young and not determining value yet, I threw myself numerously towards surgeries and just carelessly towards the voices that were experts in treating me for the better, and while true. Every-time I seemingly fearlessly showed while others were frightful of mere needles, I turned blank like stone, uncaring letting my life become the epitome of waves. Hell, I never used my voice even towards what mattered, spoke out, for myself before that time. I was just a simple-minded creature that lives off only habit.

But at the same time all that happened and I was in my critical state only relying on hearing what my surroundings brought. Graced by potent dreams brought on by some powerful painful medicine. I still felt my soul, linger. I heard and felt, every day even when my eyes could not open or my body wasn't in my control, the noise warped my realities and nothing felt, real as it wasn't, but was. There was no way, I couldn't bring up in my mind, was this it? And that is where and when, everything flashes. Confronted what fulfilling things you brought in your time alive? I knew for one thing wasn't definitely, not enough. So why didn't I fight, be tougher, challenge myself, explore, think. To accept death isn't brave not when you can still run marathons. I survived. Told myself I would never again place myself into that position when I awoke and could finally rise to a daybreak, I would hold against myself more. Reinvent, discover, figure out what drives me, challenge, I would tangle and wrestle life itself, cause it wasn't ever going to slip against me. Long as I drew breathe from lungs. In almost the same vain, when I couldn't find value within his own life. A friend who had life's endless potential, accolades, credentials, smart, the type of smile that warmed a whole school, avid wrestler too, just easily liked. Unforeseeable, accidentally and most definitely could been evaded died around when I was recovering and emerging. Two opposing spectrum's, stances. Took that personal, harder than seemingly anyone, just because it was practically a brother, a first friend who saw and knew me beforehand, type you never forget, someone you clung and loved quite simply. So now I get to thrive and before I even jogged out, I now had to collect myself again. Many avenues, paths, could've taken. I could've slipped just gave up found myself quickly back where I started... but instead I spit in the eyes of fate and stubbornly, said I will live a life worth two, or as many as it takes to make up for it, I forced my eyelids open to the light, even when all the power was turned off! I turned my entire soul into a pledged tribute. And that made me rise against being shy easily, to become more engaging, even when I was told to rest, I kept going until I strained myself continuously back to hospital visits, in heaps of pain, but never once undetermined. Took up writing and never looked back, threw and went against pills, never wanting it to be a new way I was defined, or have some excuse so I invented my own cure, what better place, to live many lifetime's over, but to create them? To build them and aim to make them raw. Lead to writing, I could express and be myself, showcase parts of me and be my voice as much as needed, learn and acquire everything I lacked previously. Often we become the stories we tell ourselves. It awakens and alerts us to parts we never subconsciously had deep meaning or connected. There is a bountiful and lifetime amount of stories I have yet to write and to create, dramatics, fights, ups and downs, to dabble into things not in my nature or character, that doesn't discern someone like me. Because writing, no... creating is to know the existence of infinity. Might be asked why I spilled and always go into such elaborate lengths into everything I do. Now in days, if want people to know your story, it's say it under less than ten words. But that's not me. If you understand anything from why I am, who I am. You'd know I think and reflect deeply, I put "why, where and what" after each thought. I risk the damages of knowing those three words, into everything. Every year that changes, is a new beginning. It's only natural and spirit, I reflect on previously, and seek to aim for something new. After a decade of the garden I made. Being someone stubborn always punishing himself, forcing himself into challenges, being hard if I couldn't succeed, no matter what effort I put into, I made myself the grandest mental antagonist, villain in any story, a critic that destroys. Why sure, destruction can often lead you to admire what's left in the aftermath you created. Can't forget what destruction really means. So with it all being laid out. I'm doing something wild. I'm betting, gambling on myself. For once I'm not out to punish, challenge myself to something artificial, to force me to live the fullest. But something much grandeur. I want to live for a happiness for myself. See to really let yourself live for happiness outweighs everything else and that I believe is really what value really is. No matter how smart or massive it may be, or shape and size, if you give it importance, it becomes just that. Silly taken me this long to finally do that for myself and like when I did the XIVWrite to that Tribute my passed Friend, I can now dedicate forever and now on to tribute myself while still many times over. But this was a journey I had to undergo, writing and creating took me on this amazing path here. Met some outstanding people to call friends and mutual-alike, met crucial people that impacted me and sharpened me. Sorry for the blog post but you know, it's a blog I’m old school and lay it all on the table. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Moving on to content and ongoing things forth. I spent last year restraining myself and limiting myself a lot so I could make myself truly thirst and understand what is important and writing has never ached more to do. So throughout year, I got a small goal to just throw some chapters out, sixty would be a sick number, but let's not break this resolution. Getting refresh with somethings for the next week or so, try getting myself polished on some stuff for the Budokai 3 showdown. It's going to be the continuation of these works below, chronologically listed.

1. Parley of the Oceans

2. Give Up Butterfly

3. Genesis

Ideally I have the actual Fight, chopped into seven chapters for a full-on week, soon. Working on condensing stories into one chapters, or just a lot less, going forward. But eventually I can begin the dramatic story-telling and really exploring a whole roster of characters... O_O I've got a lot in-store but this makes me come alive above many things. Got some gut-wrenching feuds, some epic showdowns, war uprising, most anticipating is actually a pirate custom-made sport, next best thing since Blitzball in this universe, I conjured. xD That I really want to get to in the story-timeline. 5v5 of a ton of characters to figure out how I can spoof them up for their debuts. Somehow, unfathomably made it this far down. Thanks, means a lot to have some supporters and even those I admire to give me inspiration to not just create for myself but also create as large I possibly can so that it may matter for others too. That right there is stupendously valuable to me. Cheers hearties and even my lurking enemies!