#and what if my meds stop working
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God I wanna cry
#im so tired#i spent all day yesterday dizzy as hell because i didnt take my meds#and i took them last night#but apparently ive hit the 24 hour mark bc im getting dixzy again#and its so uncomfortable#and im getting hot flashes#and what if my meds stop working#what if this is a placebo#this is so exhausting and nauseating wnd its me tally painful#vut it feels so dtupid. i font wanna talk to a dr#they always talk circles around me#i cant do it man#im just ginna. keep taking my buspar until i run out wjt then beg the dr to help#or die. idk#remi rants
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I'll either succeed or I'll learn trying
#I wanna REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!#its helpful for me to keep in mind#not failing. learning#learning. learning makes failures into something worthwhile#grimacing as I repeat this to myself#text post#delete later#idk saying it cause it made me be like heh. nice#so idk might make someone else be like hm... nice#so LAMGOMSAGKLSAJGALKGJASLKGMSALKGJ#there is not much thought behind the things I post there's just not really much thought in general#honestly that is not true#I overthing everything. on account of the anxiety#but it's all good#speaking of the doc gave me an anti anxiety med on top of the adhd thing#so that's cool#seems to be working though..#she told me I could up the dose and I might do that in like a week if it feels like hrmm#I asked for all the instructions about starting stopping upping lowering or changing the time I take things#cause yknow. those things matter and I like to experiment to figure out whats best for me#this has nothing to do with the post#also they messed up my order again#i only got 180 books#bro theres 120 more#where are they#give me my books!!! please!!!!!!!1#I'll wait til tomorrow#its possible they just didnt fit on the truck. thats completely reasonable
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Augh
#fancy is really struggling#and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them#but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy#and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this#and i will have to give the babies up#and...not have another cat#just one#i would be crushed#and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually#but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then#and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted#so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works#but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone#with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP#and one who is sad and not herself#and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this#and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard#and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three#and im already barely holding on#i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend#i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies#i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT#i don't want to be in a house so empty#i can't live like that#having the babies is lovely#they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing#even before they died#it's been so good to have them running about#i don't want to LOSE that#im so tired of LOSING things
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i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim
#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it#its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me#but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy#hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked#its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags#and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple#its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!!#and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!!#but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is#fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates#but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right'#fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on#yapping
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I am somewhat tempted to write a fanfiction, not a romance one though as those things do not interest me so much. I wonder if anybody would read Noelle and Berdly being friends?
Furthermore, if there are any fanfictions already on this topic? I would love recommendations if so!
Whenever I try looking I just end up seeing lots of shipping stuff with all different characters, it's an oddly difficult search for me
#berdly#noelle holiday#deltarune#I use to enjoy romance shipping more#but my medications changed me HAHA#(I do not hate shipping but it's not what I look for when looking for Deltarune fanfictions)#nowadays I struggle to find much interest in romantic shipping. Sorry my krerdly followers#I always hear about how some of my past work made people enjoy krerdly#and while I still enjoy them being friends I don't think I am very capable of making shipping fanart anymore#that being said if I ever do make more fanart of them being friends I do not mind people seeing it as krerdly#I find it quite comedic how my meds are what made me stop shipping things and thus with it#krerdly#go to your local pharmacist to get your meds that stop krerdly shipping today!#(extremely lighthearted and joking)#(I still think that ship is fun and cwl if I had to choose a Deltarune ship as a favourite it would be thay one it's so entertaining)
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so i stopped taking my meds for a while (because i was convinced they weren't working) and today I decided fuck it I'll just take them and wouldn't you know it i actually had energy to do stuff and im cleaning my room for the first time in months ? Crazy, I know, but I'm still kind of convinced they weren't working and this is just some kind of placebo effect and I KNOW that makes me sound like an idiot but for some reason I can't convince myself otherwise
#what flavor of mentally ill is this what is wrong with me#my therapist and psychologist diagnosed me with depression and adhd#so they gave me meds to treat depression and adhd#and i was actually feeling good for a couple months (while takinh them)#and then i stop and i feel like shit and cant do anything#SO WHY DONT I BELIEVE THEYRE WORKING#this is usually something youd talk to a therapist about but i stopped doing therapy Ha Ha#sorry this is so stupid and definitely TMI im just having issues rationalizing so i figured id shout into the void
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does anyone remember "some nights" by fun.
(edit by @stabyou)
#i think i forgot to take my meds this morning and then i got 3 hours of sleep followed by 9 hours of work and the my period started </3#i fear i may have :3'd too close to the sun#a post#but literally what do i stand for. what do i stand for most nights..... i don't know......... anymoooorreeeee oh woah oh oh woah oh ohoh et#physically cannot stop listening to this song by putting my phone speaker right against my ear despite the fact that i once again have work#in the morning -_- but! at least tomorrow i can wake up at 5:15 instead of 4:15. so that's something#i guess.#it's only 4 hours but pray for me folks i also have 6 hours straight of rehearsals tomorrow a bit afterwards and. so much fucking reading.#tee hee#honey i am smooching your brain forever this image ingrained itself into my dna it's in every one of my cells <3
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So it turns out if I make this pattern with actual canvas instead of what I thought was canvas (it’s duck cloth) it’s a softer, more “reusable grocery bag” kind of bag and less of a tote?
This one is for my grandma! I think I’m making them for pretty much everyone on my list for the holidays this year
#sewing#handmade#reusable shopping bag#I am very early for the holidays but you gotta hop on the inspiration train while you have inspiration#I think im going to make three or four more of these in the next week#hopefully all this weekend? but we’ll see#I have Monday off work#and then I’ll make myself either finish the quilt for my grandma’s dog or do an auction fill#I might not do the auction this year? my new meds are great but oh not#*oh boy the executive function issues are sooo much worse#I suspect it’s just the ‘oh I actually have extra energy again’ problem because this is very much what it was like for me before I got sick#but I should stop accepting commissions it’ll take me forever to finish#well not commissions. auction fills
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man i sure wish i had the energy to do anything at all!
okay well it's not entirely true that i haven't been doing anything. i'm cooking. trust.
#meds make it so i can't really strongly differentiate between depressive episodes and regular depression#it's moreso a constant depression with random spurts of energy in between long periods of doing nothing but sleeping and working#but the art i HAVE managed to produce has gone pretty hard ngl.#i think it's also the current political climate here in america. it's hostile and i'm drifting away from my family because of it#and that's been pretty rough#it's been a gradual drift away that started in high school and has just intensified through adulthood#but i love my friends and my favs and cats and music#i think coming to terms with being disabled has been a punch to the gut since now my options SHOULD be open. but there's SO MUCH i can't do#things are looking up for me in the general sense. i'm in a good spot in my life right now but that doesn't stop the perpetual brainfog#nothing will ever really stop this everpresent depression but i'm generally stable and healthy so it is what it is#it feels good to love and be loved and that's what keeps me going#if i'm sad? sleep it off. go to work then sleep for 16 hrs a day on my days off. then work again. easy#the life of a productive little worker bee is great!#ress thinks#okay rant over. i'm not in a bad place rn dw! i just like to yap
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Anyone else out here haunted by the unknowns of recovery?
#got a doctor's appointment tomorrow#bout going back on some kind of antidepressant/anti anxiety meds#bc i NEED to. like. the anxiety in particular is really bad and it's stopping me doing Most things#but my brain may be a shitty place to live rn but i kind of know how it works#and i have things i can semi rely on to cheer me up and things i know i can still do#what if the funky new chemical cocktail idk. makes me lose interest in writing?#thay would suck!! ! i just rediscovered it!!!#but i also can't put getting better on hold just bc I've found a bit of a creative groove that i wanna hang on to yknow?#idk. obviously i hope that being on meds that work will make me MORE creative not less#bc maybe I'll be less anxious about everything being perfect and less anxious sbout putting it out there#but it's just that fear i guess of to tackle the unhelpful parts of your brain sometimes the parts you like get caught in the crossfire#i hope I'll become MORE myself not less#but I've been unmedicated for a while now#and my brain isn't a fun place to be but i understand it#idk what's gonna happen in the next few weeks#i hope it's good#mr. bees speaks
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the lord is testing me so hard rn. holy fuck. give me a break
#hbbbbbb spent what i built up after the semester on the mortgage i'm tired i have a full shift tomorrow and now the powers out and#i need a charger block for my phone cause i need to wake up tomorrow. wanted a shower. mom was gonna make a quiche i don't want wendy's lmao#i also do not want to start crying in front of her i am just. grumpy. and it is fine. but i need to not be tearing up when i get to the#pharmacy because my friend works there and will ask what's wrong and im not crying in cvs. so. hough. okay.#stop tearing up. get meds. get shitty stupid dinner i'm so sick of chicken holy fuck. go home. mom is also extremely overwhelmed i don't#want to get upset in front of her idk how to not do that. hhhgh. sucks. it sucks and it's bad and i'm tired
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I adore reading your rambling tags, don't stop posting things there 😩
Don't you worry. I think I might be incapable of stopping idk what happened I never used to tag ramble
#asks#anon#i do really love talking. clearly LOL#but ive also been working on listening the past few years#and thays pretty cool too#i had to learn how to think before i speak. like legitimately im not hearing the words I say#im thinking about my next sentence while i say the current one#its exhausting and i never remember what I've said HWJJJSDJEJ#but people tell me im direct and deliberate and clear so idk...#but listening is also really hard...#conversation in general is really hard#i stll love it of course#its just very tiring for me#which is PART of why I like to do this when i cant sleep cause of nightmares or whatever#tires me out haha and also is a great distraction#and is good practice! for me#so idk i just like it. and its nice to know its not annoying#i wouldn't post hardly any words at all without the safety of the tags#they're not rebloggable so thats a relief#you have to opt in to read them#the space is limited. etc etc#so. im glad it is wn option and im glad its a welcome one!#no intention to stop#thank you for the reassurance on it#delete later#maybe. I'm so tired i need to check later to see if i wnt to delete it#anxiety meds working yay i can sleep bye
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Fuckikkkkkkkk thursday tomorrowwwwww
#mannnnnnnnnn I don’t wanna gooooooooooo#I’m tired and cold and I wanna sleep and hang out under my blankets with my cats#my mom would be mad if I asked to stay home tho so I can’t do that#fuck thought about childhoodfriend everything sucks forever#I just got extremely tired I can’t do this man#I need to work on the jacket and the animation and I just want to sleep and I don’t want to depend on my phone all the time for comfort#just constantly fucking tired and I’m getting sick of it but I never have time and when I do I just want to rest cause I’m fucking exhauste#and I can’t tell if it’s a health issue thing or if it’s cause I’m depressed or because of the irregular amounts of meds I’ve been taken or#what. I don’t know I don’t know I just want to be okay I just want to stop being tired and lonely and sad#I should shower
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Leon didn't used to cook. He was a chronic workaholic relying on take out and leftovers of take out.
Wes didn't used to cook either, relying on rations and questionably made pub food. Until he started literally living in the Wild Area, when he learned from the wild Pokemon the best places to forage food from. Now that he had a lot more free time on his hands, he decided that he might as well experiment with cooking.
One thing Leon learned the hard way: Wes has no taste buds. At all. Wes once started eating an onion like an apple. His favorite type of berry was Pinap because "it was spicy" (he was allergic), and there were multiple times where Wes has eaten mold and tree bark on accident.
Clearly, this cannot continue. Now Leon has more free time on his hand (due to his boyfriend telling Rose to fuck off) and has decided to put that time into learning to cook delicious food. His friends are at least glad that he has found a hobby, even if it was connected to his relationship. Sonia was his usual taste tester, sometimes with Hop and Gloria helping, and it took several months for Leon to get a handful of recipes he thinks Wes will like.
It's all worth it when he gets to see Wes's smile.
#desertsportshipping#food as a love language my beloved#also the tangible proof of them making each other better#sonia has to be the taste tester cause she'll tell him that it's awful to his face#also another tally mark in “wes is leon's hyperfixation”#you know that as soon as leon met wes the champion group chat was being SPAMMED#for several months leon was blocked by most of his friends#until he and wes got together and leon stopped pinging his friends at 3 in the morning#before they started dating leon was the most insufferable person on earth#for so long leon's hyperfixation on battling and the gifted syndrome got him through the workaholism#but now that almost all his thoughts revolve around wes he is struggling#it really doesn't help that most of the work he took on wasn't actually necessary and was for rose#like as champion he has some responsibilities but most of it are showmanship matches or press stuff for rose#even before the initial relationship reveal the media had been speculating on why leon has suddenly cut back on like 70% of his appearances#wes's pokemon are also going the extra mile to keep oleana and rose away from their dates#the pokemon in the wild area have a new reputation of specifically attacking reporters#damn this got long whats in my new meds#also the reason i havent been posting as often is that i'm chipping away at a project <3#keep your eye out for that
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i've had such bad insomnia these last few weeks and honestly by this point i'm just embracing it lol. if im gonna be up til 3-4 AM i may as well get some work done or have some fun yk
#maddie meows#literally anything but tossing and turning while desperately willing myself to sleep!!!#it's also so close to the weekend now that it's like yayy no consequences#what's gonna happen to me?? i'll be tired??? i'm literally ALWAYS tired i have a chronic fatigue disorder!!!!!!!#if i wanna do something that turns me into slightly more of a shriveled husk than usual that is my prerogative#also i straight up do not want to go to the doctor for sleep meds lol#asking for new medication is such an undignified experience... i hate it dearly.#either melatonin will start working for me again or i'll just stop sleeping forever creepypasta style. i'd be so productive that way
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aww man i was excited that at least one other person might have been interested in pike/vina for rarepair exchange since it got nominated under three star trek shows after i nominated it in crossover, but actually the mods just put them there since my nomination was wrong. so now i'm debating whether to spend half my sign-up slots on a pairing no one wants anyway 😕
#or just have some outsized psychological distress over making a mistake on like some fandom thing that rly doesn't matter?#what on earth is going on in my brain it's like my meds just Stopped Working#i guess they asked for clarification on the dreamwidth but i saw the green approved check in all my nominations#so didn't even think to go back to the community to look#the incorrect crossover nom is still in there too!#maybe i'll just put it under discovery... they're at peak hotness there :/#lol or request it everywhere and that's it and be the IPH that holds up the works
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