#and what if my meds stop working
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God I wanna cry
#im so tired#i spent all day yesterday dizzy as hell because i didnt take my meds#and i took them last night#but apparently ive hit the 24 hour mark bc im getting dixzy again#and its so uncomfortable#and im getting hot flashes#and what if my meds stop working#what if this is a placebo#this is so exhausting and nauseating wnd its me tally painful#vut it feels so dtupid. i font wanna talk to a dr#they always talk circles around me#i cant do it man#im just ginna. keep taking my buspar until i run out wjt then beg the dr to help#or die. idk#remi rants
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I'll either succeed or I'll learn trying
#I wanna REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!#its helpful for me to keep in mind#not failing. learning#learning. learning makes failures into something worthwhile#grimacing as I repeat this to myself#text post#delete later#idk saying it cause it made me be like heh. nice#so idk might make someone else be like hm... nice#so LAMGOMSAGKLSAJGALKGJASLKGMSALKGJ#there is not much thought behind the things I post there's just not really much thought in general#honestly that is not true#I overthing everything. on account of the anxiety#but it's all good#speaking of the doc gave me an anti anxiety med on top of the adhd thing#so that's cool#seems to be working though..#she told me I could up the dose and I might do that in like a week if it feels like hrmm#I asked for all the instructions about starting stopping upping lowering or changing the time I take things#cause yknow. those things matter and I like to experiment to figure out whats best for me#this has nothing to do with the post#also they messed up my order again#i only got 180 books#bro theres 120 more#where are they#give me my books!!! please!!!!!!!1#I'll wait til tomorrow#its possible they just didnt fit on the truck. thats completely reasonable
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Augh
#fancy is really struggling#and the babies are lovely and just FASCINATING in how they developed around but not shaped by humans and i so very deeply enjoy them#but they are also a little ungovernable due to their age and general lack of caring about rules and they are bothersome and rowdy#and it is obviously so so hard on her and my heart is breaking because im afraid we wont be able to get her through this#and i will have to give the babies up#and...not have another cat#just one#i would be crushed#and added to all of that is that the babies are taking their time learning to be pets and that is fine and wonderful actually#but...i need surgery on at least one ankle and i won't be able to keep up with them if things haven't sorted themselves out by then#and they haven't become more manageable and fancy hasn't adjusted#so we are asking about meds for poor fancy and hoping that works#but she's really having a hard time guys and i am fighting so hard to cope in a household where i spend most of my time alone#with two animals who don't love me yet or interact with me like pets (i'm a source of three things: food and snuggles on demand and NO STOP#and one who is sad and not herself#and frankly it's terrible that i can't fix this#and i am trying not to lose my shit but this wasn't supposed to be so hard#and im afraid i may lose five cats and not three#and im already barely holding on#i don't know what to do and neither does my boyfriend#i don't want to turn around and have to tell you guys we can't keep the babies#i feel like i am failing at something i am supposed to be GOOD AT#i don't want to be in a house so empty#i can't live like that#having the babies is lovely#they're so alive and the boys were so sick by the end and the stress of the constant anxiety and grief as they faded away was crushing#even before they died#it's been so good to have them running about#i don't want to LOSE that#im so tired of LOSING things
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i wanna post my skip to loafer art but i cant do it knowing ppl are gonna put it on tiktok and pinterest bc itd be like. bringing an invasive species ykwim
#my meds just kicked in so im feeling talkative but truly idk how to explain it#its like. with anything else id be more than happy to introduce it to ppl like monkie kid and mp100. witch hat maybe but its personal to me#but skip to loafer is special to me. and i feel bad for saying this bc other ppl do deserve to watch smth they will enjoy#hell the reason i got into it was bc my friend was kind enough to lend me her copy and i got hooked#its so ironic im saying this esp given how insecure i am abt depicting characters wrong. but i really dont want to look thru the tags#and see them on a 'can i copy your homework' tier list. or ppl getting mad abt why egashira mitsumi and shima cant just be a throuple#its just!! i wont stop you if thats how you like to engage with the show or how you interpret it bc ill just ignore it and leave u alone!!#and theres no objective wrong way of doing it!! and i know that interacting with the work is what forms a community after all!!#but keeping it tight knit is just easier for me bc nobody has to worry abt making each other laugh and we can enjoy it for what it is#fully aware im saying this as someone whos drawn monkie kid art with text post memes and owl house draw the squad templates#but at the same time i just. dont want to explain myself or give ppl reasons why shima and mitsumi are ace coded just bc it 'feels right'#fandom is a communal thing and it feels so hypocritical thinking this. too many conflictng thoughts that idk what to act on#yapping
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I am somewhat tempted to write a fanfiction, not a romance one though as those things do not interest me so much. I wonder if anybody would read Noelle and Berdly being friends?
Furthermore, if there are any fanfictions already on this topic? I would love recommendations if so!
Whenever I try looking I just end up seeing lots of shipping stuff with all different characters, it's an oddly difficult search for me
#berdly#noelle holiday#deltarune#I use to enjoy romance shipping more#but my medications changed me HAHA#(I do not hate shipping but it's not what I look for when looking for Deltarune fanfictions)#nowadays I struggle to find much interest in romantic shipping. Sorry my krerdly followers#I always hear about how some of my past work made people enjoy krerdly#and while I still enjoy them being friends I don't think I am very capable of making shipping fanart anymore#that being said if I ever do make more fanart of them being friends I do not mind people seeing it as krerdly#I find it quite comedic how my meds are what made me stop shipping things and thus with it#krerdly#go to your local pharmacist to get your meds that stop krerdly shipping today!#(extremely lighthearted and joking)#(I still think that ship is fun and cwl if I had to choose a Deltarune ship as a favourite it would be thay one it's so entertaining)
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so i stopped taking my meds for a while (because i was convinced they weren't working) and today I decided fuck it I'll just take them and wouldn't you know it i actually had energy to do stuff and im cleaning my room for the first time in months ? Crazy, I know, but I'm still kind of convinced they weren't working and this is just some kind of placebo effect and I KNOW that makes me sound like an idiot but for some reason I can't convince myself otherwise
#what flavor of mentally ill is this what is wrong with me#my therapist and psychologist diagnosed me with depression and adhd#so they gave me meds to treat depression and adhd#and i was actually feeling good for a couple months (while takinh them)#and then i stop and i feel like shit and cant do anything#SO WHY DONT I BELIEVE THEYRE WORKING#this is usually something youd talk to a therapist about but i stopped doing therapy Ha Ha#sorry this is so stupid and definitely TMI im just having issues rationalizing so i figured id shout into the void
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does anyone remember "some nights" by fun.
(edit by @stabyou)
#i think i forgot to take my meds this morning and then i got 3 hours of sleep followed by 9 hours of work and the my period started </3#i fear i may have :3'd too close to the sun#a post#but literally what do i stand for. what do i stand for most nights..... i don't know......... anymoooorreeeee oh woah oh oh woah oh ohoh et#physically cannot stop listening to this song by putting my phone speaker right against my ear despite the fact that i once again have work#in the morning -_- but! at least tomorrow i can wake up at 5:15 instead of 4:15. so that's something#i guess.#it's only 4 hours but pray for me folks i also have 6 hours straight of rehearsals tomorrow a bit afterwards and. so much fucking reading.#tee hee#honey i am smooching your brain forever this image ingrained itself into my dna it's in every one of my cells <3
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So it turns out if I make this pattern with actual canvas instead of what I thought was canvas (it’s duck cloth) it’s a softer, more “reusable grocery bag” kind of bag and less of a tote?
This one is for my grandma! I think I’m making them for pretty much everyone on my list for the holidays this year
#sewing#handmade#reusable shopping bag#I am very early for the holidays but you gotta hop on the inspiration train while you have inspiration#I think im going to make three or four more of these in the next week#hopefully all this weekend? but we’ll see#I have Monday off work#and then I’ll make myself either finish the quilt for my grandma’s dog or do an auction fill#I might not do the auction this year? my new meds are great but oh not#*oh boy the executive function issues are sooo much worse#I suspect it’s just the ‘oh I actually have extra energy again’ problem because this is very much what it was like for me before I got sick#but I should stop accepting commissions it’ll take me forever to finish#well not commissions. auction fills
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man i sure wish i had the energy to do anything at all!
okay well it's not entirely true that i haven't been doing anything. i'm cooking. trust.
#meds make it so i can't really strongly differentiate between depressive episodes and regular depression#it's moreso a constant depression with random spurts of energy in between long periods of doing nothing but sleeping and working#but the art i HAVE managed to produce has gone pretty hard ngl.#i think it's also the current political climate here in america. it's hostile and i'm drifting away from my family because of it#and that's been pretty rough#it's been a gradual drift away that started in high school and has just intensified through adulthood#but i love my friends and my favs and cats and music#i think coming to terms with being disabled has been a punch to the gut since now my options SHOULD be open. but there's SO MUCH i can't do#things are looking up for me in the general sense. i'm in a good spot in my life right now but that doesn't stop the perpetual brainfog#nothing will ever really stop this everpresent depression but i'm generally stable and healthy so it is what it is#it feels good to love and be loved and that's what keeps me going#if i'm sad? sleep it off. go to work then sleep for 16 hrs a day on my days off. then work again. easy#the life of a productive little worker bee is great!#ress thinks#okay rant over. i'm not in a bad place rn dw! i just like to yap
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the lord is testing me so hard rn. holy fuck. give me a break
#hbbbbbb spent what i built up after the semester on the mortgage i'm tired i have a full shift tomorrow and now the powers out and#i need a charger block for my phone cause i need to wake up tomorrow. wanted a shower. mom was gonna make a quiche i don't want wendy's lmao#i also do not want to start crying in front of her i am just. grumpy. and it is fine. but i need to not be tearing up when i get to the#pharmacy because my friend works there and will ask what's wrong and im not crying in cvs. so. hough. okay.#stop tearing up. get meds. get shitty stupid dinner i'm so sick of chicken holy fuck. go home. mom is also extremely overwhelmed i don't#want to get upset in front of her idk how to not do that. hhhgh. sucks. it sucks and it's bad and i'm tired
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I adore reading your rambling tags, don't stop posting things there 😩
Don't you worry. I think I might be incapable of stopping idk what happened I never used to tag ramble
#asks#anon#i do really love talking. clearly LOL#but ive also been working on listening the past few years#and thays pretty cool too#i had to learn how to think before i speak. like legitimately im not hearing the words I say#im thinking about my next sentence while i say the current one#its exhausting and i never remember what I've said HWJJJSDJEJ#but people tell me im direct and deliberate and clear so idk...#but listening is also really hard...#conversation in general is really hard#i stll love it of course#its just very tiring for me#which is PART of why I like to do this when i cant sleep cause of nightmares or whatever#tires me out haha and also is a great distraction#and is good practice! for me#so idk i just like it. and its nice to know its not annoying#i wouldn't post hardly any words at all without the safety of the tags#they're not rebloggable so thats a relief#you have to opt in to read them#the space is limited. etc etc#so. im glad it is wn option and im glad its a welcome one!#no intention to stop#thank you for the reassurance on it#delete later#maybe. I'm so tired i need to check later to see if i wnt to delete it#anxiety meds working yay i can sleep bye
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Fuckikkkkkkkk thursday tomorrowwwwww
#mannnnnnnnnn I don’t wanna gooooooooooo#I’m tired and cold and I wanna sleep and hang out under my blankets with my cats#my mom would be mad if I asked to stay home tho so I can’t do that#fuck thought about childhoodfriend everything sucks forever#I just got extremely tired I can’t do this man#I need to work on the jacket and the animation and I just want to sleep and I don’t want to depend on my phone all the time for comfort#just constantly fucking tired and I’m getting sick of it but I never have time and when I do I just want to rest cause I’m fucking exhauste#and I can’t tell if it’s a health issue thing or if it’s cause I’m depressed or because of the irregular amounts of meds I’ve been taken or#what. I don’t know I don’t know I just want to be okay I just want to stop being tired and lonely and sad#I should shower
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i've had such bad insomnia these last few weeks and honestly by this point i'm just embracing it lol. if im gonna be up til 3-4 AM i may as well get some work done or have some fun yk
#maddie meows#literally anything but tossing and turning while desperately willing myself to sleep!!!#it's also so close to the weekend now that it's like yayy no consequences#what's gonna happen to me?? i'll be tired??? i'm literally ALWAYS tired i have a chronic fatigue disorder!!!!!!!#if i wanna do something that turns me into slightly more of a shriveled husk than usual that is my prerogative#also i straight up do not want to go to the doctor for sleep meds lol#asking for new medication is such an undignified experience... i hate it dearly.#either melatonin will start working for me again or i'll just stop sleeping forever creepypasta style. i'd be so productive that way
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aww man i was excited that at least one other person might have been interested in pike/vina for rarepair exchange since it got nominated under three star trek shows after i nominated it in crossover, but actually the mods just put them there since my nomination was wrong. so now i'm debating whether to spend half my sign-up slots on a pairing no one wants anyway 😕
#or just have some outsized psychological distress over making a mistake on like some fandom thing that rly doesn't matter?#what on earth is going on in my brain it's like my meds just Stopped Working#i guess they asked for clarification on the dreamwidth but i saw the green approved check in all my nominations#so didn't even think to go back to the community to look#the incorrect crossover nom is still in there too!#maybe i'll just put it under discovery... they're at peak hotness there :/#lol or request it everywhere and that's it and be the IPH that holds up the works
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what are the consequences of lying to a psychiatrist asking for a friend
#AKA what wld their reaction likely be if i told them i havent been taking my meds for the past month#and that ive felt better in that time than ive felt in the past 2 years#thats like. thats good right#thats a sign i *shldnt* be taking these meds right#like im not saying im anti-medication or smth#there are still things going on w me that i think meds cld help with#i just really truly believe i was put on the wrong ones at first#and rather than stop and go “okay maybe these ones arent working” we just started treating the side effects with OTHER meds#like#fuck#i KNEW they werent working from the moment i started taking them#and i TOLD my drs#but they were just like “give it more time” or “well lets add this one on and see how you feel”#im so curious now what this past year wldve been like if id never taken any meds#i genuinely think it wldve gone better#anyway. i think im just gonna be honest w him#im not a danger to myself or others rn#i dont think hed see it as a Red Flag or anything#im specifically trying to tell him how much *better* i feel off of them#god. wish me luck.
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#dustox#hi! if you're coming from the cascoon post's tags‚ you already know what's up. i just woke up and i need to take my meds but i have yet to#and i have to go to work in an hour and a half. yippeeee! anyway. i think there was a shadow dustox in pkmn colosseum?#either that or i remember it super vividly bc one of the guys in pyrite town had one. which i think might (also?) be the case#i remember pretty much every pokémon those guys in pyrite town had. bc as a kid i always went back to battle them#i would always go back to check to see if they were done fighting me. and when they wanted to fight me again i would always be surprised#every time. as a kid. i thought eventually they'd stop or something i didn't even know that i was effectively just grinding#but also i was really bad at catching shadow pokémon bc i didn't know anything about type matchups. i thought the whole#not very effective and supereffective things were just totally random. so i always thought it was so funny when it said#it's not very effective… a critical hit!! because i thought that made no sense. because i didn't know what the fuck it meant#luckily‚ now i do. my brain is very filled with pokémon knowledge………#i'm gonna get off my tag-soapbox and take some meds. y'all remember to take yours‚ too‚ now
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