#and then i stop and i feel like shit and cant do anything
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Thinking about how the curse ended, and how the guys remembered everything. Also thinking about what would happen if they didn’t remember anything from while they’re cursed. You know, Raph just ‘wakes up’ as it were with his hands wrapped around Donnie’s throat, half unconscious and saying I forgive you, Leo ‘wakes up’ with a concussion and a bloody sword, no idea what just happened and Mikey ‘wakes up’ restrained by Donnie’s spider shell. I mean, it wouldn’t take long to put the pieces together, but they also wouldn’t know just how bad things had gotten. How would they even respond to that?
Also thinking about the curse just…fading away instead of ending so abruptly. Like, the guys go to bed normally, Donnie’s dissociating in the laundry room after they attacked him or something, and they just wake up the next day only to be slammed in the face with clear thinking and the memory of the last three months
an ME/CW where they remembered nothing would ultimately be... similar, but with less character introspection for anyone but donnie. with how the curse progresses i wouldnt be able to pinpoint the exact points where they would completely lose themselves, but theyd probably have to rely on april a lot more with how unreliable donnie is, and she wasn't there for a majority of it. and i think there's some unique kind of dread in the UNCERTAINTY of what they actually did. they see the injuries left behind and the way his behavior has so drastically shifted, but they cant really know for sure-- oh my god, seeing the CAMERAS after the fact??? raph seeing the moment he broke donnie's wrist while he begged him to stop while having no recollection of doing it at all?? horrifying concept!!! it'd feel more like somehow they'd failed in protecting him from something else, even though they were technically the ones responsible. they'd probably be more competent in handling it though
AND AND AND with the curse fading away naturally ouhhh i have actually thought about this before. imagine if it broke when he was in four days in the closet (either for that reason or maybe his ninpo breaks there, arguably a good time for it to be a snapping point for him). they swing open the door and are shouting "oh my god, oh my god, holy shit, are you okay?!" and he's so disoriented and scared that he doesn't even recognize them, especially with the whiplash of it all, and he keeps wrenching away from them and backing further into the dark because he's so freaked out and theyre not helping with their panicking .... arhghhhh. at least with the way that it breaks at the end of CL, it doesnt feel so immediate because he passes out afterwards, but like... oh my god if it was ANY point before the murder attempt at the end!! it would be so horrifying and i dont even think donnie would believe them!!! he'd just be so confused and scared!!! painful!!!!!!
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so i stopped taking my meds for a while (because i was convinced they weren't working) and today I decided fuck it I'll just take them and wouldn't you know it i actually had energy to do stuff and im cleaning my room for the first time in months ? Crazy, I know, but I'm still kind of convinced they weren't working and this is just some kind of placebo effect and I KNOW that makes me sound like an idiot but for some reason I can't convince myself otherwise
#what flavor of mentally ill is this what is wrong with me#my therapist and psychologist diagnosed me with depression and adhd#so they gave me meds to treat depression and adhd#and i was actually feeling good for a couple months (while takinh them)#and then i stop and i feel like shit and cant do anything#SO WHY DONT I BELIEVE THEYRE WORKING#this is usually something youd talk to a therapist about but i stopped doing therapy Ha Ha#sorry this is so stupid and definitely TMI im just having issues rationalizing so i figured id shout into the void
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wanted to say I appreciate your nuanced takes on MW and especially Curly. i don't get the claim that the fandom is full of Curly apologists when majority (esp yt and tiktok) say he's worse than Jimmy. Yes there's commentary about bro culture defending people, he def messed up in trying to placate Jimmy (tbh "we'll fix this" sounded more like trying to keep someone prone to outbursts like Jim calm and not hurt Anya/himself) but I don't think he did nothing to help Anya, since she continued to confide in him and he had less than a week to resolve it before the crash (I also don't get everyone saying he knew for ages when it seems like Anya told him that same week). I get Jimmy's a pos but saying stuff like Curly should've known he'd crash the ship or that Jim had a criminal record he ignored, reducing them to obviously horrible villain and willfully ignorant sidekick feels like a disservice to the game. If your best friend turned out to be horrible, what would you do in a confined space in the span of a few days to respond? I'd say some of the horror comes from trying to do good but ultimately failing, Curly's state after the crash is meant to be tragic horror not revenge/punishment
Thank you and this is what I want to get across.
A lot of information we have to supplement when it comes to how long things have been happening on this current ship. I think people try to add on to the horror and negligence by making things more obvious so it can feel like it was easier to avoid when, true to life, its not. Jimmy clearly didn't deserve or appreciate what Curly did for him in getting him the job, but do you think if Jimmy was that big of a menace on Earth he would've given him a position where he could have that level of power over people's lives? There's something in the fact he specifically chose to pick a position so close to himself where he could watch Jimmy.
I hate the bro code argument because that is a whole can of worms people really don't get. That sort of mentality is born from the general respect and preference of male matter over female ones. Curly is clearly not that guy, he is absent minded about the issue and inadvertently dismissive but he clearly believes Anya, he just can't understand what she's going through. It's an onslaught of information that no one really reacts right to. Additonally, the entire discussion of her assualt plays to heavy into the idea that there is fault outside of the perpertratior when it comes to SA. It's too close if she only did this or if Curly had protected her better but the fact of the matter is Jimmy did what he did. He did it before any of the conversations with Anya about it and it's why her behavior seemed to change so drastically in those last two days.
He has other conflicting thought and while his role as a Captain should've taken over, people act like it's not a very human thing to have such a toxic presence cloud your judgement. It is never easy to separate friend from coworker once that connection is formed, you want to help them, especially if they were friend first and for a long while like in this case. It's not right, but people act like it would be easy when the game clearly points out that no choice is easy to make, especially when you have to make it for more than one person. You have the weigh the consequences, look at all the options and make a plan. People can headcanon and decide how long things where happening, but if we look at what we were presented through the characters eyes, the only person given time to do that was Jimmy.
He waited two months after the crash to appoint himself Captain. Every time a problem was brought up he immediately took action and refused to sit on it and find a better solution. I think it's important to look at the warped way Jimmy takes initiative where Curly didn't as it works as a good contrast of why you don't just run in to "fix" things. The quickest and easiest option may not be the safest or most beneficial. I think some thoughts on the game suffer from the black and white thinking the game doesn't operate on along with us being voyeurs. We see what exactly led to what but the characters don't. They don't have the hindsight and foresight we do and even ours is scrambled by the non-linear story telling.
Like it's hard to talk abuou those grey zones without sounding like an apologist because you're explaining why taking responsibility isn't easy. It's not and it's weird to act like it would be in a scenerio that led up to the events of the game knowing what we know. We see all these characters in such isolated moments with various things before, in between, after and even during we aren't privy too. The idea that Jimmy is worse than Curly heavily banks on the words Jimmy was saying to Jimmy before he crashed the ship. That whatever happened on the ship was his responsibility to bare, which is true due to his position. But, are they not still not responsible for taking the actions Curly then must bare?
Like i feel like people think that these are situation that become easier with age or when you are in a postion of authority and they aren't. You don't lose your biases or gain some sudden knowledge that makes it easier. It just becomes more tiring as you keep dealing with it. I would be first in line to say Curly fucked up and should've done more but the idea he knew how bad it could get or he really saw the worst in the people around him and ignored it pretty much ignores a huge aspect of his character and the game.
#i do believe Anya was a victum to Jimmy more than once before the crash but the game plays wit the sort of fear of waiting and stagnation#i believe the reason she decided to tell him was becasuse she finally broke down and tested to see if she was pregnant after one too many#signs and its why she went to hide the gun because she knew now that there was proof of what Jimmy did and was he would do anything to#cover it up and while she also didn't want the baby there was no sure fire way to safely induce a miscarriage or abortion cause shes smart#enough to know that hence her reading the illusion of choice and taking measures to protect herself#but in the hypothetical it was a one time occurence I think Jimmy would act like one single mistake shouldn't define him and Anya thinks#that if she did something sooner or said something sooner than she or Curly could've stopped all of it but that the hard thing taking actio#its so hard to be preventative to a person like they also have the autonomy to do things and no one on the ship is okay with actively takin#that away outside of Jimmy that its just a delicate issue and people act like it was a conscious choice not to help when he just helped#wrong he did wrong by not immediately punishing Jimmy but at the same time did he even fully get it yet? Jimmy immediately got into his hea#after like the sound design right before he confront him is telling like every track sort of gives you the feeling of the characters where#we cant see their thoughts because again the only two characters pov we get are Jimmy's and Curly's and even then we only get Curly's thru#the responsibilites he has to take like he is always tasked with something because thats his role but we rarely see him do something off hi#own volition cause hes a metaphorical cog in many of the machines the games comments on but he's not actively pulling a switch#also i think people latch on to the we can both be heros things too much when analyzing Curly because Curly very much is not happy being th#leader and current “hero” of the Tulpar he just wants out in a way that doesn't hurt and while he is still responsible for not doing more#the idea he could've easily nipped this in the butt acts like Jimmy was not a beast of his own and that he made Jimmy into the person he wa#vs the fact that Jimmy is a person on his own right that makes these choices others are forced to take responsibility for when he simply c#couldve not done evil shit like at the end of the day Curly is not perfect but not nearly or remotely as bad as Jimmy because for that hed#have to not care hed have to not have tried hed have to not try to take responsibility and he did just not in the right way but thats#subjective to the person and you can only realize you did fuck up after the results are before you and its tragic like this game is a#a tragedy no matter how you try and spin it. There's lessosn to be learnt but at the end of the day it telling the worst moments of peoples#lives and the certain inevitabilities that come with it#mouthwashing#mouthwashing game#curly mouthwashing#captain curly#nurse anya#anya mouthwashing#jimmy mouthwashing
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im never getting over how belphie just...yoinked beleth's halo. like the artifact says "given" but he very much did not give it 😭
i lowkey think it was to take some of the heat off of beleth for being a fallen angel and to keep others from being too loud about it but still he did it in the most goofy manner possible. (and smthn smthn a crown symbolizing protection for his people and its from the first person he wanted to keep safe personally)
#cliffnotes/.txt#whb#whb spoilers#and i love him for it#these two are much sweeter than i thought they'd be and im glad for it#still throwing me for a loop w/ the country accent but ive gotten mostly(?) used to it#how many southerners in this tag did this event awaken lmao bc i had to take a break 2 seconds after belphie said#what in tarnation.#like sir.#all of my comfort will leave immediately if beleth or belphie call mc puddin or some shit thatll be my last staw#like i dont think they would but also i cant be sure what the translation team will do atp#and that prospect scares me just a little bit.#last point ant ill stop rambling funny u can just take the halo#like ik andre takes the ones he wears but like#idk it rly is just some ring of light (or darkness for beleth) and they dont feel anything from it#which makes sense ig its not directly connected
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I need someone to tell me that im not stuck here and things are going to get better. Also they have to know what they're talking about
#I need to be making more money than this#it always seems to start with that#but I feel like I wouldn't be as depressed if I felt like I was on the way to something else#if i could get out of here in about a year#if I was saving up for some achievable goal in a meaningful way#then the things that I hate about my current living situation would grate a lot less#And I wouldn't mind as much being so helpless to stop people defacing things and making things worse#but as it stands i feel like im being pushed down into a corner#which is exactly what i came here to get away from#its just that im not allowed to improve anything around me#To stay away from this noxious shit i guess im expected to never to outside and always huddle down with my fan on#because im not disabled enough to complain abt it#am I???#beggars cant be choosers#cant live in poverty housing and expect the neighborhood to be polite#ig#but how do i get out of it
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how i imagine what the inside of mikoto's head looks like half the time
#Mikoto#John#Midokoto#my art#midokoto has to take john by the scruff to stop him from fucking shit up. he is so tired. let him rest#he should get john one of those like toddler backpack leashes.#anyway. inspired by my therapy appt earlier today.#sigh. th erapy is so fucking. *aggressively gestures*#50% of the time i get suicidal afterwards. 49% of the time i get extremely angry. 1% of the time i feel good.#not because of or @ my therapist or anything.. i just cant handle vulnerability and having to acknowledge emotions and The Past lmao#why do that when you could kill either yourself or someone else?? 🤔. checkmate LCSWs#oh well. laugh the pain away xoxo
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Was doing okay holding back all of the fear re: the potential election outcome until literally this second what the fuck to my brain lmao
#wherein lmao means I'm so scared and i cant stop crying rn#no one should have to fear this. not me nor anyone else nor the ppl who have already had to flee their homes worldwide#a person shouldn't have to worry abt violence being enacted upon them bc of who they are which like#obvi isn't a new concept to myself and most ppl but i feel like the folks who'll vote Trmp don't care for it#won't affect them in theory after all so of course they don't care#Housemate and I are trying to figure out where we could go and how in case of the worst#and it's not even the first time I'll have had to leave a place bc of safety reasons (two nickles on that already in my life)#but it doesn't make it any less daunting#i just want to live my life in our little house with Housemate and the cats working my shit job and trying to enjoy whatever i can#none of this matters and im shouting into a void full of equally terrified ppl dealing with this themselves if not worse#these tags don't make sense entirely and i don't care. i have things I should be doing and I'm sitting in my room#paralysed by fear over all of this#i should distract myself but with what? at what point do i accept the distractions can only do so much?#maybe I'll just take a nap again. idk. feels weird and wrong to play a video game or nap ordo anything that isn't trying to research options#i need to stop rambling here like im hoping time will pause while i type im out again lmao
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in my quest to quell my pain ive only hurt myself worse. damned if i do damned if i dont.
#i need better coping mechanisms but it’s so easy to just turn to substances when you’ve never learned how to cope w your emotions#and physical pain. however a lot of it has been brought on by the substance abuse aka i did it to myself#so i probably deserve it#but i started with them in the first place to get rid of pain that was so overwhelming and constant#it feels like every time i do something to preserve myself im punished for it#and im so sick of it. i cant believe its gotten this bad#i drink to help the pain -> i get hungover and the pain is way worse -> i drink to stop that pain#and the worst part is it always works#realistically ive depended on substances for like a decade#i started drinking at 13 and fell into a rut of alcoholism at like 15/16#my mom was going thru a phase of alcoholism and roped me into it so bad if be woken up by her bringing me a drink at 9 am#and we’d drink till she passed out and i had to walk her to bed and cook for everyone and do all the chores#it went on for months one summer#then it was weed and i smoked every day from like 18-22#only thing thwt stopped me from drinking until i started again after both my parents died#i havent recovered since.#im still so traumatized and depressed that i looked for any method of relief#the dph phase was the worst. i think alc is even better than that lmfao it was horrible#once i got access to alc i stopped all that. wouldnt have if i hadnt had alc tho#it’s honestly been one addiction after the other for a decade#and my parents fueled so much of it#‘oh id rarher you drink under my eye than do it behind my back’#BRUH YOU WOULDNT LET ME GO ANYWHERE OR DO ANYTHING. HOW WOULD THWT HAVE HAPPENED#crazy how i was obsessed w drugs and shit by the time i was 10 and i remember thinking wow im gojna grow up to be an addict.#why am i so irreparably fucked up#idk whatever. like im not gonna drink abt it lmao.
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is
#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And#make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not#saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was#going to say#like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so#bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the#winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000#other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but#i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its#been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody#responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple#muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it#but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like#im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good#solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start#all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the#punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4#im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but#even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think#avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is#like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they#hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be#the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO#difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15#minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case#it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel#stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and#tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i#tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction#like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint
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me praying to get any kind of IT job and now just being so embarrassed that it happened because I DONT FUCKING KNOW ANYTHING? like you'd seriously think i would but i dont know a goddamn thing. a coworker watched me struggle to turn back on a monitor that went into sleep mode today. i couldnt find the fucking button on it. like i want to kill myself over that and i wish i was being funny but im being hilarious. they watch me fumble putting in my password on these 2000 goddamn websites i have to have accounts for for some reason AND they put me on the phone to squeak mousily at angry people who are calling for higher stakes problems than the library (but that part wasnt that bad bc most of them i got to just transfer the call)....i just want to SCREAM. i just want to scream because of the enormity of my incompetence. but its not even that serious. but it is. it is
#im making it sound hard but thats whats funny is it totally isnt. its so easy. its so easy im almost mad. its boring. ITS BORING!#and old guys keep telling me cutting my hair is 'part of growing up' i wanna gag.#and my coworker talks to me about 'guy stuff' that i wish i could have it in me to fucking care about. I HATE CARS!#i mean i do care about custom pcs. but IM STUPID!!!!!!!!!!! SO I DONT KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT THAT DESPITE WANTING TO BUILD ONE.#im making it also sound like im having a miserable time but its complicated#and its giving me like a gender crisis but not like im not trans just like i cant stop feeling like a failure at all things gender#FTM as in failgirl to man this guy sucks#if i was more secure in myself at all i wouldnt let shit like that even bother me. but it dooooooooeeeeeeees#i attained no confidence and im starting to think thats impossible at my ripe young old age#is it ok if i have a crisis and blog it. do we still do that here
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Just some more Still Wakes the Deep blah blah, but omg having just been diagnosed Diabetes type 1 myself recently, it makes me only love and feel for Roy 10X more...
This shit is litteraly poison, but so does the food we eat with how much sugar there is in ugh OTL
Never thought in a million year I had DT1, I had 0 symptoms and am in pretty good shape, but then suddenly, organs are starting to hurt really badly out of nowhere...
Don't wait too long poeple and check with your doctors even if there's ''nothing'' T0T and to all Diabetic ppl out there, keep on fighting 💪✨
#random#delete later#first 2 weeks of diagnosis i didn't realized what it meant to live with this#but the 3rd week it really sinked it and i couldn't stop crying everyday#i felt even more like a failure and it made me even more angry that my biological parents left me with that#being adopted i have no medical history and i was already living a quite healthy life style#ofc it could have been even better but now i have to do many extra steps#everything's back to normal now but holy shit that hit me like a truck#plus it was urgent since it had been MONTHS it was left untreated and my family doctor just never told me or bothered to check my blood tes#so ughh idk it sucks with life being already hard as it is#high blood pressure now this... tho theyre probably related#i prepared my bucket list sooo i guess LET'S GO?! jk jk#i'm scared to have a heart attack or stroke in the middle of nowhere where no one i love is around... and that'll be it#but i mean if it happens it happens i guess XD#i'm hopefull now but holy shit... fucking pancreas who just decides to stop working#when you read more about DT1 it just feels like a bad employee who suddenly doesn't want to work anymore#and the good boss cant do anything about it#oh well#as long as i can still create art i'll be fine and happy#diabetic? more like diabethicc
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the monthly apathy is back, rlly sorry if i said smthing to u and then u say smthing back and i don't respond for like a thousand years only to spam u after it passes and then u respond bcs ure awesome and i go on an unspoken vow of silence for yet another thousand years and the cycle just continues
#hard to will myself to just brush my teeth#it's so fucking annoying having these highs and lows and never a middleground bcs it's like#which one is actually me??#i feel like none of them are really#when im feeling high energy i act extra confident and funny showman#but as soon as i stop i just feel huge regret and embarrassment over it#but im also so lifeless and feel like i can only say a lot if it's abt smthing negative bcs i can feel more deeply when im low#but it's only abt dark intense stuff#and when im in my highs i just dont have the attention span to care abt deep anything#it's like im either soaring in the sky or drowning in the sea#im never just On Land#like i cant just enjoy Earth#it's so fucking aggravating#' i would love to have high energy highs tho bcs i would be able to get sooo much done'#yea. it seems like a lot. until u realize it's literally just flighty-ass attempts at catching up on being a half human#trying to do all the stupid shit u somehow found aggravating difficult to even think abt doing during 1 of ur lows#like . why am i having to try and make a mental note to myself on... responding to. compliments.#when im in a higher energy mood#like. why cant i just#ARGGHEHHHHHHHRHRHHRHRRRR#anyways yea srry abt all the asks piling up and then me asking for more anyways and all the texts on read
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god fucking damn it
#i hate feelings#so fucking much#anger especially#what am i angry at?#no fucking idea#go ask the guy who runs the body#i certainly dont deserve to know#but you know what i do deserve#to feel it#i dig myself into holes and then expect to get out no trouble#its always worked#my brain is too fucking loud#pipe down bitch#tw vent#i wish i could explain this#sounds narcissistic but#i would be such a fucking good person if nothing happened#but now i have to deal with shit that was never my fault#kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys kys#and one of the most annoying parts#is that i could have stopped half of it#but instead#i decided to listen and say nothing#i should've been suspicious when i was told every fucking day#'dont tell anyone/they'll take you away from us/they don't know anything/they're trying to trick you into taking you away'#if you never did anything wrong why do you want to hide it?#but of course hate has to be met with contradictory feelings#i cant physically hate anyone without also feeling pity/love/whatever the fuck you call it#why does it feel like im pretending to be a good person#honestly im growing up into the people i hate the most
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#im in such a bad and low mood :<#it's not just my period hormones 🥴#my wireless headphones worked fine all of yesterday and today when i wake up they're blinking#they're liked fucked up... i turn them off but they constantly turn themselves back on. when i connect them to my ipad they constantly#keep disconnecting and shutting off and turning on 🙃 it makes me so angry bc i need to wear them basically all the time#bc all the noise from neighbors and my family and outside is driving me crazy#but they just dont work anymore?? plus i cant afford new ones... esp now which brings me to my next point#bc of my mom having troubles w school and loans and work etc she was like yeah u guys might have to pay for me this summer so we'll be#proper poor 😄 she doesnt WANT that either but it just sucks bc i got $300 every month and i can barely afford anything as is#yeah so there is no chance of me buying new headphones until at least august or september ......#then im annoyed bc my sisters are passive aggressive 24/7 and hate my existence and my mom is depressed lol#and i have no one to talk to or be with. it's summer and i wanna do stuff but i just dont wanna do it alone lmao#and then im just sad bc of many things.....#also i hate myself bc im a loser failure piece of shit but like yeah that's normal for me to feel#i just hate everything and it's so hard to endure this lame ass existence skskskskks#why cant ANYTHING be good ever in my life??#i am garbage and im surrounded by bad things lmao... anyways can i just stop breathing now pls#and it's not just a 'tiny' thing like my headphones not working like it might seem to others#but when u live a life where NOTHING is good or NOTHING works everything just piles on#ppl dont seem to understand that normally bc most ppl have some good things in their lives#so they just cannot comprehend what it's like when nothing works on any level in your life lok#ofc im depressed ofc im angry and bitter and dejected. i have no good things or moments at all in my life. that tears u down#i mean ofc i could be living in an active warzone and that'd be .. pretty awful i can imagine. but yeah... my situation is still not ideal#like i mean i do actually try to practice gratitude of having a roof over my head my own room water in the pipes and food so i dont starve#i am thankful for that bc many ppl dont even have that#i still feel depressed tho <3#idk what im talking abt now i just feel SO bad and i have no one to talk to#i have nothing to do... no help no treatment... everyone hates me and wants me dead......#why should i fight when no one cares abt me anyway... well.. i mean i do wanna experience more nature but like idk#im just so exhausted... why cant i ever have smth good in my life that also dont go away after a short while lol
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YALL ARE NOT SERIOUS PEOPLE no way i’m looking at the tumblr tag for spn 7x03 aka the sam centric flashback episode dealing with his childhood trauma and how he feels like he’s a freak and everyone is just posting about DEAN. dean and his stupid fucking pie. dean winchester used to be my guy! genuinely! s2-3 i truly thought i was a deangirl! But you people (plus this show atp lmfao) are making me hate him😭
#he was cute witn his silly pie. and i care for him and understand he’s grieving cas and thinks he’s about to lose sam and is therefore copin#Awfully and doing things like resorting to black and white john winchester embedded monster racism to do so#But thing is i’m actually getting pretty fucking sick of him coping awfully#he never learns he never grows he just gets angrier. he’s incapable of seeing sammy as someone whose decisions can be respected despite the#fact sam literally SAVED THE WORLD by SACRIFICING HIMSELF.#he just sits around and drinks and tries to become his father and avoid becoming his father in equal amounts#he’s actually awful!! sam goes off to do a case something totally justified (tho sure he could’ve asked) and dean fucking punches him in the#face… and somehow it just Doesn’t feel haha funny because its forceful and it’s serious and this is like the 3rd time he’s done this shit#and it’s also in the same ep where we see sams fraught relationship w john (Bc Duh) which is paralleled to the relationship amy has with her#mom where her mom fucking hits her. like.#dean winchester!!! when i find you!!!!!!!! stop recreating ur trauma!!!!!!!! stop taking shit out on sam :(#he cares sooooooooo deeply and it affects every fucking thing he does that’s why he’s so awful and why he cant cope#But guess what the same can be said about john winchezter the same can be said about a LOT of people. doesn’t excuse anything dean. GET YOUR#SHIT TOGETHER.#i love dean he’s vividly compelling to me. But. :/#oliver talks#sam winchester#spn
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