#and this carried out into my teen years. i was honestly terrified of myself and what vile things i could do if i wasnt careful because i | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

nazuna-tunnel-vision · 2 years ago

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Kohaku analysis

Hi anon, sorry for taking more than 5 months to reply. Kohaku just has so many things going on that I really didn't have a firm understanding of his character and don't know where to start. Still don't actually, but I'll give it my best shot.

Kohaku's main appeal imo is his numerous gaps. There’s a ridiculous amount of them, but the main ones are that he's pink, he's 160cm, he's the youngest character at 15, and yet he has no qualms about killing a man.

He could kill a man and yet was locked in his house until just this year. He could kill a man and yet he's terrified of zombies and wouldn't be able to kill them.

He talks like he has his things together (and he sort of really does), and yet he is still the youngest in the cast and so many people around him nurture him and watch his growth with warm and loving eyes.

Everyone who lays their eyes on him immediately treats him like their cute little bro, and yet he seems to be the more emotionally stable and mature one in Double Face - where his partner is literally the self-proclaimed Mama in the series.

I think the most confusing part about Kohaku is his maturity and simulataneous lack thereof. How he manages to be emotionally mature in DF, and yet is still the baby in Crazy:B. So for this post I'm going to delve into how and why Kohaku manages to do this.

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(Please bear in mind that I haven't read the !! main stories and the stories for No Name Yet and Ariadne, so i might be missing important characterisation.

Also be warned that I will be referencing events in Dark Night's Passing, Secret Service and Sudden Death. Spoiler warning!)

I feel like most people get really blown away by the shock factor of Kohaku being trained as an assassin. And together with the way Kohaku carries himself, a lot of fans forget that there is a lot he doesn't know about the world.

He grew up in isolation and could only physically step foot into the rest of civilisation at the end of the ! era. And then he promptly got lost. (He asks Anzu for directions to ES in his first character story.) He doesn't know how to choose his own modern clothes either. The clothes we see him wearing were picked out by the salesperson, and for his Feature Outfit he chose traditional wear similar to what he wore growing up.

Kohaku is honestly very similar to Hiiro in this respect. I think it's just not as obvious to non-KohakuPs because:

Kohaku has less questions. This can be explained by how he grew up on the internet, so he had the advantage of familiarity with technology.

Screentime differences:

Hiiro’s ignorance was emphasised throughout the novel that was !! Main Story 1

Kohaku had one (1) introductory chapter that highlighted his ignorance. The rest was sprinkled in mini-talks and event stories.

Differences in other characters' responses to their questions:

Hiiro gets Aira loudly yelling, without fail, that he's stupid and ignorant. And then Hiiro yells his apologies in response. The whole exchange is very noisy and impossible to ignore. (It also happens multiple times.)

Kohaku’s interactions, however, tend to go very smoothly. They’re always along the line of, "Oh, what is this? Ohh so that's it. Thanks for teaching me!". Clean and simple, no jabs and just question > answer > thanks. Or he'll say, "I've only known about this through the internet! I'm looking forward to experiencing this myself this year." And no one comments on it, except for maybe a “Fufu I hope you have a good experience.” It’s all very short and pleasant. Nothing you would take note of unless you’re a KohakuP and realised you’ve seen them lots of times

So anyway, in contrast to Kohaku’s general cool and judgemental "Madara/Rinne-han you’re so stupid” vibe, he really is not that wise in the ways of the world. To be frank, I think his cool-as-a-cucumber behaviour is very boyish of him. You know, when you're a teen and pretend to be more grown-up than you actually are.

And Kohaku is acutely aware of how little he knows. Kohaku has low confidence in making his way through the world, even though he generally acts very capable. This low confidence is the focus of the Honey Bee scout story. It's a very, very cute story where Crazy:B finds ways to push him out of his comfort zone while still respecting his 15 year-old pride. Basically Kohaku was going to shy away from something and Rinne goes "Ha bet you can't do this!" Kohaku reacts very much like a kid by immediately biting the bait. So cute! Another point for the KohakuPs who love the cute and child-like Kohaku. I wouldn’t call Kohaku immature, but he sure isn’t a mature adult either. He has a lot of growing left to do!

Kohaku just generally exudes this little brother energy as easily as breathing.

I think part of it is his size and pink hair colour and baby fat.

Another is probably how open he is about how little he knows. Like Hiiro, he’s not shy about asking for clarification. If you hang around him for long enough, you probably come to expect and accommodate the gaps in his experience.

He’s also super forthcoming and genuine with his praise, admiration and gratitude. The instant he thinks of something nice, like "wow this person sure is skilled!" he'll just let the person in question know. (Unless you're Rinne - you tease him too much for him to want to praise you genuinely to the face orz.) I think people just like being around him and being nice to him because of this habit, and they become nicer and better people in his presence. ((I am looking at HiMERU in particular.))

And despite what I said about his teenage pride, Kohaku's also very gracious and accepting of being consistently assigned the little bro. His attitude to realising that people adopted him is just "huh? well okay I guess. Thank you for your help." He doesn't see it as being patronising; he recognises that people just want to be nice to him and lets them + is grateful for it. (Again, Rinne is an exception because his modus operandi is to bully Kohaku and Kohaku Knows This.)

I think these factors form the basis of his relationships with everyone (minus Madara and his family) where he’s the little baby Kohaku-chan that everyone loves to dote on. And he lets them, and also lets them know that he is grateful for their care! It's super wholesome and cute. Ra*bits-esque, even.

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But despite all these child-like parts of him (especially him not knowing a lot of common knowledge), he also has a lot of. I don’t know what to call it, I guess emotional maturity in his interactions with others. He's always very genuine and sincere and respectful, and this doesn't ever change unless you're deliberately fucking with him (Rinne).

It's most obvious when you look at Double Face and his interactions with Cagiest Bastard in the Whole Series, Mikejima Madara.

This part requires a good deal of understanding about Mama's issues and Oh Boy Is It A Lot! But what you need to know is that Madara's family is involved with the police and the Shinkai Cult and Madara was been elbows deep in that world from birth. He beats people up off screen and sends the mafia after them and doesn't blink. And his emotional walls reach stratospheric heights. He calls himself Mama and is extremely friendly, but he never really lets anyone close. Headcanon that it's bc he wants to be as close to others as a Mama, but is purposely assigning himself a role that most ppl reject bc he is afraid of actually being that close to people. He's been in a solo unit for the whole of the ! era and was acting alone even before then. Talking about his issues and true feelings are simply not something he does. He buries it under layers of Wasshoi Wasshoi Festival Man Mama. Sometimes he alludes to how estranged he feels but before anyone can meaningfully respond, he jets off to another part of Japan/the world and is uncontactable for a few months.

There's no time to really go into what Madara's issues actually are, but basically Anzu (and the enstars writer Akira) created DF because she wanted Madara to have a friend. Kohaku as an assassin and Madara as the kid of a mafialord just Get Each Other the way others don't. Just look at Dark Night's Passing. It's about feeling too dirty with sin to truly assimilate with the bright sparkling world of Ryuseitai/Tsukasa. It's about not being able to talk about their feelings about their involvement with the underworld because they don't want to sully their friends. Madara sort of talks about it with Kuro, but Kuro is an ex-delinquent and beating other misguised youths up is nothing compared to what Madara is still involved in. Kohaku is probably more comfortable with Crazy:B than any other unit because of their themes of being rejects and rulebreakers, but that's still not the same as assassination. I don't think Kohaku ever came clean to them about his family. Kohaku & Madara just truly do understand each other in a way no one else can.

And despite all that, Madara still tries to distance himself from Kohaku. 😡👎👎. Kohaku has to chase this mf ""unit leader"" down to get updates of their shared unit's work. Kohaku has to call Madara and gets sent to voicemail every time. He has to call up everyone he can think of who could be in contact with Madara and then fly his ass across Japan to beat up Madara up. (He doesn't actually beat Madara up because he's a good kid. He just joins Madara in whatever he was working on and helps him and reminds him that he is no longer alone.)

Anyone in Kohaku's place would be completely justified in thinking that Madara's more effort than he's worth and give up or lash out at him. Just the way Madara likes it! With people so far away from him that he can't hurt them or vice versa (Madara ignores the fact that the act of pushing others away is in itself hurtful.)

But Kohaku doesn't abandon Madara. He takes things pretty damn well imo.

---

Kohaku re: dirty jobs & the Underworld is just so. He's so hopeful even while being born in and knowing the shit side of the world. It breaks my heart and fills me with awe with how disillusioned and yet hopeful he is with the world.

Kohaku in the early stories constantly talks about how the world & people's hearts are dirty. And yet, whenever he receives help (...often, bc of his politeness and little bro energy) he also always comments that kindness still exists in this world. Kohaku, especially in Dark Night's Passing, is a very jaded child. He thinks that his family's line of work is pretty dirty and hates being born into it, but still says he is okay with sacrificing himself for the Suou's. He thinks the world is rotten, that injustice will always exist, and that sacrificing himself is okay, but does whatever he can to ensure that the good people in his life don't suffer.

Kohaku doesn't roll over and give up. He finally has freedom after 15 years and he is so excited to experience all the good things the world has to offer. He knows it comes with bad things too, and accepts it like a champ! Takes it as a foregone conclusion.

It contrasts so sharply with Madara that I just gnnh. Madara is tired. He has given up. He's just floating along trying to help his loved ones while fighting a war in his head and heart against the instinct to also push them far away.

Madara and Kohaku initially connected over their shared understanding of the rotten world and their roles in it, but their attitudes towards living in such a world and with such a role couldn't be more different. Madara believes that he never belongs in the sparkling world everyone else inhabits, and he tries not to "sully" it by never entering it. Kohaku accepts the world, both its rotten and good parts, with an almost zen-like countenance that you really wouldn't expect from a 15 year-old freshly entering the world. Kohaku is excited and accepting and open-minded of all the world has to offer (as long as he doesn't look stupid, because he is 15 and freshly interacting with people irl, he cares about appearances.) Kohaku uses his assassin role to protect himself and those he cares about; it's not something that he even conceives as holding him back.

This really uniquely positions him to set Madara back on the path to heal, because he shares a similar background and yet offers perspective that Madara would not have accepted from any other person. Yes this turned into a DF dynamic analysis but Kohaku was literally created to be a Madara foil, so. That probably just means I'm doing my Kohaku analysis right.

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Explaining Kohaku's emotional maturity

From a meta perspective, Kohaku's emotional maturity can be attributed to the fact that he was explictly written to be Madara's friend and confidant. He had to be a character that could make Madara feel comfortable enough to let his walls down. He also had to be a character that didn't have the same trauma response and who could handle Madara's.

Lorewise, I think Kohaku's emotional maturity when it comes to relationships (being so open, honest and respectful) can also be explained by his upbringing.

The fact that Kohaku is so open and honest and respectful can be a bit surprising, considering how he was, y'know, locked up for 15 years and all. You expect him to have some very tragic backstory, where he was abused and went through grueling and traumatic assasin training like Killua from Hunter x Hunter or something. You expect him to be cagey and defensive, like Madara or worse. Then you read Sudden Death and it becomes apparent that the chances of Kohaku having been abused are abysmally low. Kohaku is very, very loved by his family. There are still things that don't add up, like Kohaku still having been locked up in a dimly-lit room for 15 years and speaking of his growing up years so negatively. But I'm inclined to think that against all odds, his family treated him very respectfully as a little man and he was raised well. Maybe his distaste for his upbringing was because his family never really tried to justify it or gaslight him into thinking that it was normal and okay. The Oukawas are pretty cool!

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TLDR for this whole post; Kohaku is very accepting, genuine and forthcoming. He can put even the most guarded people around him at ease and inspires them to be better people just by being himself around them. He was written perfectly to bounce off Madara (and Rinne).

He is also very small and cute. People can't help but dote on him. He is also so excited to finally participate in the world, but feels the tiniest bit of trepidation. He is growing bit by bit every day! Basically he would belong at Ra*bits is what I'm saying. If you ignore the whole assassin thing.

#enstars #rambles #analysis #kohaku #oukawa kohaku #double face #there is a tldr at the end if u need it #please read at least that i promise i prommy

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allthingsfuckd · 4 years ago

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soft spot | Bucky Barnes x fem!reader

summary: Bucky, the diner owner pining for the reader, a regular at the diner and best friend, for years.

a/n: i wanted to post a Peter Parker fic but i had writer's block until i came to this idea. it's based on a few of my fav Luke and Lorelai moments from Gilmore Girls combined into this one fic. i hope you enjoy! as usual, feedback is very much appreciated and my requests are open. (you don't need to watch Gilmore Girls to understand it)

warning(s): fluff, teen pregnancy, absent father, pining.

“Coffee, coffee, coffee, coffee,” you repeated, your chest pressed against the counter, an evil smile on your face. He turned to face you and placed his hands on the counter, the chanting stopped. You purse your lips trying to contain your smile.

“You know it ruins your body, slowly corrodes your insides, and makes you die really really young, right?” he says squinting at you as he makes hand gestures.

“That’s the intention,” you say smiling up at him showing your teeth. You both stayed like that for a few seconds until he turned around, grabbed a mug, and the kettle from the coffee machine. Still squinting at you, he poured the coffee in the mug and slid it over the counter to you.

“I really hope it’s soon,” he grumbles, throwing the kitchen towel on his shoulders, and walks (or stomps) back to the kitchen. You sat there, coffee in your hands, smiling as you took a sip.

The door rings open and you hear a familiar voice. “Did you get one for me?” you turned in your bar stool to look at the figure that walked up to you. The beautiful girl who you delightfully brought into the world almost 16 years ago, Leah.

You shook your head, fake-pouting. A grumble came from the teen, something you could very much relate to; caffeine deficiency. “I tried, I tried but Bucky’s in his element this morning,” you shrugged your shoulders, stretching to the left to see if he was still in the kitchen.

“I’m gonna get one myself. He likes me,” she turned to face the kitchen, chanting his name as you did earlier. You hear them arguing as you enjoyed the drink in your hand. It was white noise to you — the arguing, especially in Bucky’s diner. With him being the crabby man you’ve always known him to be, it was basically daily routine.

“You were right, he is grumpy this morning,” she said when he walked away again, this time to the back. “Wonder what happened,” she said, shrugging as she took a sip of her coffee.

People in the town have always talked about how similar you both were; you and Leah. Sometimes it did feel like you were looking in the mirror and reliving your teen years as she told you stories about her day and it would scare the fuck out of you.

“Hey, so birthday planning. Let’s go,” she patted your forearm, waking you from your thoughts, excited to turn 16. You sat up and giggled, feeling excitement running up your spine.

“Okay, so we’re gonna have it at home this year,” she nods. “After last year’s event, I vowed to never again go to a Ms. Patty party,” you both shudder, remembering the massive drunken embarrassment you had to go through at your 15-year-old’s birthday party. “Before that, we’re going somewhere special, a surprise if you may. Then we’re going shopping, which thank god your birthday is the end of the month. Cause how could we have lux on your birthday without a paycheck. We’ve got a date with your dad, says he wants to finally actually give you your gift in person this year? And a massive birthday cake with your face on it by the one and only Sookie, as per tradition,” you yap, fast-paced.

“Wait, we’re meeting dad?” she asks, cutting you off. You nodded fast, feeling the caffeine kick in. She smiled, looking down at her mug. And that’s when you felt beat up. When it came to Christopher, it always put a smile on her face. Maybe they were right. You were alike. So easily manipulated by the one man in both of your lives, who is only always there when time and circumstances met his convenience. Something naivete and youth made Leah fail to realize.

“Okay, kiddo. We’ll discuss birthday matters this evening, it’s almost 8,” you picked up her bag, gravity pulling your hand down soon after. “Woah, wormie, what are you carrying? Bricks?” you teased.

“You never know how much reading I can get done with all the waiting we do in school,” she whined after downing her coffee. She kissed your cheek and left the diner.

“God, that kid is something special,” you hear Bucky say as you both watched her walk to the school right opposite the diner. You turned around looking down at your mug, Bucky noticing a frown on your face. “What’s wrong?” he asks, bending down to look at your face.

You looked up, smiling a little. “It’s Leah’s dad,” you scrunched your nose. You never talked about Chris with anyone in the town except with Sookie and Bucky, the name and subject a sensitive topic to you. Never saying his name as if terrified some sort of evil would be summoned. Your relationship with him was beyond complex. You were best friends before anything, you-me-against-the-world (or against parents and the rich community you were brought up in), you knew him like the back of your hand. You still see him as such but since you found out you were pregnant, it all took a different turn and it wasn’t something you felt was right for either of you.

“He called again,” Bucky’s voice annoyed, rolling his eyes. He’d met him once and it was the most awkward, testosterone-filled conversation you’d ever witness. You snickered, knowing how he, as much as you, despised talking about him. “Hey,” he touches your forearm with his leather-gloved forefinger. You looked up at him. “If anything, you come to me,” you half-smiled.

Everyone in this small town knew about the mother-daughter dynamic you and Leah had. Hearing how she turned out great with just you raising her was something you heard very often, something you wished you felt through every fiber of your being. But you didn’t. And Bucky knew you struggled with that, trying his best to remind you every time you doubted. More often than not, she reminded you a lot more of Bucky than Chris, since she grew up knowing Bucky more than her dad.

“Thanks, old man,” you said, snickering behind your mug. He backed away from the counter, his grumpy face showing again. His eyebrows furrowed and his cheekbones prominent. He hated it when you called him that. He may be over a hundred years old but technically he was your age, he would remind you. “There he is!” you cheered, laughing at his frowned face.

“You have a problem,” Bucky said, taking the mug from your hand, and you slid the bill across the table. Still maintaining your gazes, seeing a small smile starting to form on his lips.

You were known by the whole town to be completely oblivious, seemingly being the only one who doesn’t know how Bucky has been pining for you for years. Even from Mars, the love he held for you in his heart could be seen. He tried several times to ask you out on a date, getting closer and closer each time he would try but something always had to happen right at the time he wanted to spit the words out of his mouth. A coward, as Sam, another regular at the diner, would call him when he realized he'd been staring at her.

You did, however, think about dating him once after having a moment with him in the diner. It was late, and you wanted coffee after a bad date. Nearly kissing until Kirk came into the diner to get his emergency late-night burger. You brought it to Leah’s attention, but to that she immediately declined, saying it might ruin the best coffee in town for the both of you.

Saturday rolled around; Leah’s birthday. You woke her up at 3 a.m., another annual essential where you would tell her the infamous story of the day she was born.

“What do you think of your life thus far, my dear?” you brushed her hair as your lied down next to her.

“I think it’s great,” she yawned.

“Any complaints?” you asked, and she shook her head. “I think you’re a great cool kid and the best friend a girl could have,” you said to her lovingly.

“Back at ya,” she answered.

“And it’s so hard to believe that many moons ago I was lying in exactly this same position,” you looked up at the ceiling, flashbacks playing in your head.

“Oh boy, here we go,” Leah said. You shushed her and continued the story.

When you walked into the diner, you were greeted by Bucky at the front door. You frowned at him, being too close to you, your hands hovered over his chest. He opened an arm to gesture you to a table by the window on your right. When you looked, your jaw dropped. He decorated the table. He laid a beautiful lace tablecloth, with a vase filled with flowers in the middle and balloons next to one of the chairs and Leah’s favorite; a rainbow cake, with a lot of frosting.

“Bucky, what is this? This isn’t you. And flowers?” you looked at him, eyes in disbelief. He shrugged. “This is amazing,” you touched the table cloth, mouth agape. “Thank you, Bucky,” you hugged him, his face red to which you were too busy to see.

He walked away, knowing your order before you could tell him. The Y/N Special he printed in the new menu. Leah came into the diner, you sat up and smiled as you waited for her reaction. “What is all this?” her jaw dropped as well.

“It’s all Bucky,” you shook your head, as she caressed the lace tablecloth. “Where he got this tablecloth? No idea!” you leaned in, whispering loudly.

“Bucky, you big ole softy,” she said to Bucky who came with your regular. He blushed when she gave him a hug, quiet as he walked back behind the counter. Your eyes followed him, still surprised by his adorable gesture.

“Hey, remember what I said about dating Bucky?” you asked her, still looking at Bucky who was taking orders. She hummed as she gobbled down her food. “Do you think it’ll work out if we did?” you asked again.

“Honestly, I think it will,” she said, cheeks stuffed with food. “Especially after this,” she gestured to the decorations. “But yeah, I do,” she said after swallowing her food, following your gaze to look at him.

It was the first time she’d ever okayed a man in your life other than Chris. You both loved Bucky especially after what he’s been through. The grumpy demeanor he displays justified.

Lane, Leah’s best friend walked into the diner, squealing as she hugged and wished her. You stood up with your order and walked to the counter to allow them to chat.

“Hey, Buck,” you said, seeing him clean his toaster. He hummed, his back still facing you. “With your expertise displayed on the very lovely table there, could you help Sookie out with decorating my place while Leah and I frolic about town?” you asked, chewing on your waffles.

“Yeah, sure anything for my best customers,” he said as he grunted, fixing the toaster.

“Why don’t you use your tools?” you asked, pointing at the toaster with your knife. Stopping what he did, he turned to shoot a glare at you.

“My toolbox is sitting in your lovely home collecting dust because you could not and will not bother to give it back to me,” he complained. You snickered knowingly since you purposely brought up his toolbox.

“Well, it’s the only thing in the house that warns burglars that there could possibly be a man in the house,” you said melodramatically as you enjoyed your food. He grabbed the knife and fork out of your hand, your hands up in the air and mouth open. You placed your hands on your lap and sighed.

“Fine, you can have John back,” you said. His eyebrows crossed in confusion and frustration. You had a track record of being stubborn and playful. Something everyone who knew you grew to normalise.

“Not every non-living thing needs to have a name,” he said, putting the utensils back on your plate.

“Yes they do. I could tell visitors that John is in the living room sitting on the floor,” and you continued to yap Bucky’s ears off until you left to bring Leah on her birthday adventure. Reminding him that you left the decorations by the couch at home and he could use the key hidden under the turtle statue.

It was almost 1 a.m., Bucky heard a loud voice from outside, he dragged his feet to the window and opened it, sticking half his body out. Flinching when he saw a stone coming in his direction. “What the hell are you doing?” he shouted at you in your pjs, holding a pillow under your arm. He was wearing short-sleeved t-shirt, something you barely saw him wear.

“I’m homeless! I’ve got nowhere to go,” you shouted back. You heard a window open at the next building and turned to face it. An old man appeared out of the window.

“Hey, would you shut up? It’s late!” the old man with his thick Boston accent shouted at you. You looked at him and then at Bucky then back at him and burst out laughing. “Would you please get her the hell outta here?” the man said to Bucky and went back inside. He went down to get you, groaning as he walked down finding you, still in a fit of laughter.

“The resemblance? Uncanny!” you said, still laughing as he grabbed your arm and pulled you into the diner.

You helped Bucky set up the mattress after looking around his apartment and teasing him for things he owned. Being friends with him for years, you’d never been in his “home” above the diner before.

“What made you homeless tonight?” Bucky asks as you fixed the bedsheet together.

“Everyone else passed out drunk, even Chris,” you said. Shocked that you brought up his name, he fiddled with his fingers as he sat by his dining table. “I’m still kinda drunk. That name slipped out of my mouth,” you said, laughing nervously, sitting next to him.

“What did he do this time?” he asked looking up from his hands.

“Surprisingly, he was nice. He was a dad for once but he hasn’t left so we’ll see what happens,” you sighed. Bucky knew the reason for your uncertainty with raising Leah was because of Chris. The seed of doubt sprouted after years of Chris reminding you that you couldn’t do it alone which made Bucky’s blood boil.

“At least she’s not pregnant yet,” you said, running your hands against the wooden dining table.

“Oh yeah, I forgot about that,” he said. “You were 16?” he asked.

“15 and a half,” you pointed out. “Ruined my 16th birthday, my mother said. What a disappointment it must have been for my parents to have me,” you looked at him.

“Can’t imagine anyone seeing you as a disappointment,” he shook his head and you sighed.

“You know, Buck. Seeing what you do for Leah, I bet you’ll make a great dad one day,” you mention, examining his face. His eyes looked sleepy.

“You make a great mom. This whole town can vouch for that fact. For how young you were when you had her, 15 and a half? Every parent makes mistakes but you make the mistakes seem like fun,” you chuckled. “You were never alone in raising her. The town has played a part in raising her with you much more than Chris ever did so I don’t know what the fuck he’s talkin' about,” he says, a lump formed in your throat.

“Yeah, it’s just the daughter part I, uh, I don’t have down yet,” Bucky exhaled through his nose. You thought about a recent fight you had with Leah about the boy she’d been dating. Something you brought up as a problem because you were terrified of possible outcomes. But you knew he was a great boy, Dean. Sweet, charming and a gentleman.

“You looked great tonight,” you placed your hand on his, you felt the cold metal against your skin. You’d never really seen his metal arm, always hidden under the sleeve of his leather jacket and gloves. His signature look, even in the summer. You stroked his metal hand and even though he couldn’t physically feel your touch, he felt goosebumps form on his skin. Physical touch was never a part of your friendship.

He smirked, raising his brow and tilting his head making you roll your eyes. “I don’t mean you don’t look great all the time, you do, and,” you groaned. “Don’t be cocky now,” you clicked your tongue, laughing, still smirking at you.

“You looked great too,” his voice cracked, coughing to clear his throat. “y/n,” he called your name, his voice lower and deeper.

“Yeah?” you whispered. His eyes softer than you were used to, finally seeing his blue eyes.

“Would you want to go on a date with me sometime?” he asked, eyes looking at your lips then back to your eyes. He felt his palm get sweaty, heart thumped loudly in his chest he swore you could hear it. He’d always have the words play in his head but he never thought the moment would ever come.

You felt your cheeks burn, you never thought he’d ever ask you. He studied your face to predict what you were gonna say, cringing a little expecting a bad answer or a laugh.

“I would love to, Buck,” you bit your bottom lip. He let out the breath he held, smiling as he shifted in his seat. After years of pining, he finally got to take his favorite girl on a date.

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sanddollarpoems · 3 years ago

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When I was a little child, I lived one block away from a public pool. Every summer my mom would enroll us in the children's swimming program. I started out in the "mommy and me" classes in the indoor pool. I can still hear the way the splashes echoed, and smell the chlorine. I remember the day I graduated to the big, outdoor pool. I remember standing so tall, knowing I was a big kid. I was probably around 6 years old at the time, but I felt so grown up. Still, once I got to the outdoor pool, I saw my next threshold... the deep end, and the diving board. My heart did flips just looking at it. Unfortunately, we moved away before I ever got a chance to try it.

Swimming continued to be a part of my summers, although my lessons were fewer and we never owned a pool. Still, my mom tried to make sure that we were decent swimmers, and I did well in the lessons I attended. I even got to jump off the diving board, and learned how to make a good cannon ball. But it wasn't until I was a freshman, just starting high school that I learned how to dive. I would volunteer at a kids summer camp every year, and there was a pool and a diving board. One summer, one of the guys taught a bunch of us girls how to dive. I'm sure he got a few crushes out of it, and that made it totally worth his time. As for me, I don't even remember who it was, but I remember diving. That feeling when you start to run down the board, the jump near the end, then feet together springing off the end, the feeling of going airborne. It's terrifying. It's exhilarating. It's the most amazing feeling. What I loved most was the plunge. That moment when your outstretched hands part the water and it swallows you whole... yes. That feeling. The cold of the water closing around you. That was my favorite part. As I would rush into the water, I would exhale, allowing myself to shrink and carry me faster in a perfect arc back up towards the surface. Then I would emerge, face first, breaking the calm edge of the water, and I would gasp in a clean, fresh breath of air. It was like being reborn. Like every breath after a dive was my first. Like my last life was discarded back on the board.

I don't dive anymore. It's not that I don't want to, but there just hasn't been an opportunity, and honestly, I'm a little scared to try again. What if I slip and fall? I'm not the young, naive teen, who is incapable of injury. Life has taught me that it can break me, it can hurt me. And at my age, the weight of this life might be too big a weight to shed. There are so many things I would carry with my up onto that board. No, I'll leave the diving to the ones who won't break on the water. Still, I can't forget the way it felt. Run. Jump. Bounce. Leap. Fly. Slice. Submerge. Arc. Exhale. Rebirth. No, I will never forget that.

#sanddollarpoems #poem #prose #my writing #me #personal #my thoughts #my words #diving

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crystalline1206 · 3 years ago

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The Rifle

Chapter 1 “Kal'Tava”

Title: The Rifle Pairings: Mandalorian x F!Reader Rating: E (for language, sexual situations, No YOUNGLINGS lurking where they shouldn’t) Setting: Before Season 1 (briefly), before Season 2, leading into Season 2 eventually, slower burn. Summary: You always believed that trouble had a knack for finding you… You just never realized what trouble really meant until you met him. — “Why did you help me?” “…You looked like you needed your rifle,” Warnings: Age gap (LATER) Older man/younger woman, explicit sexual scenes and sexual situations leading up to it after chapter 8 Word Count: 1446 A/N: Hello! Welcome to my first story I actually have a plan for! I fell down a deep dark Mandalorian hole and I plan on making a living here. So sit back, relax, and enjoy! If you have any pointers or tips feel free to send them my way, but please, be kind! Banner inspired by @valkblue

This story takes place 10 years before Mando and Baby Yoda leave Nevarro as a clan of 2. I did some quick math and estimated that Din was born around 3251 LY / 26BBY which is a few years before the clone wars and therefore he is around 35 years old when The Child is found in 3286 / 9ABY. All that said, Mando is in his mid 20’s to your teens and any and all romance will be much much later. P.S. Yena is a play on y/n, thought it’d be a clever way to handle that!

Chapter Summary: You never get a second chance to make a first impression

“Did you see the Mandalorian in town?”

Your father couldn’t help but notice you perking up after overhearing your sister’s conversation. He swung around to your work station and gave you a nudge to get you back to work, which you returned in kind at being caught. Sure, Odell and Ravi could stand around and talk while putting merchandise away, but as soon as you so much as tilt your head, you get stuck with the reprimand. You did allow yourself a small bit of pride at being the best out of your siblings with fixing blasters and the occasional landspeeder, but at the cost of being able to walk into the market and gossip with friends, it didn’t seem like all that great of an accomplishment at the moment.

“A Mandalorian? Those are the bounty hunters right? With all the weapons and armor?” You piped up from your little corner as you fiddled with the blaster in your hands, only to have it yanked from your hands as your father towered over you.

“No no no, I know you. You keep your head down and stay out of trouble, Yena. I mean it,” Your eyes crossed as he waved a meaty finger in your face.

“But I—“ Your voice pitched in defense.

”Calm down, Cadri. It’s hard not being curious about new people here, she doesn’t mean anything by it,” Your mother, ever the voice of reason, seemed to understand you teenage curiosity more than the rest of your family.

Your father, however, was strict man, quiet, and kept to himself; all qualities that he “claimed” helped him live through some of the galaxy’s more tumultuous years… Honestly, you thought it had more to do with the fact that you all lived in the shadiest part of the outer rim. Nonetheless, your father strove to instill these qualities into his many children, mostly through manual labor and a lack of free time. Hard to get into trouble when you hardly left the weapons mechanic shop, but you always swore that you never went looking for trouble. Truly, it just always seemed to find you. You always thought it had more to do with being one of the younglings and getting left behind to fend for yourself out of your three sisters and two brothers.

“Oh come on, Baba. I don’t get into trouble!” You exclaimed heatedly.

“Ha! If you lied half as well as you fixed blasters then maybe that would have been more believable,” You heard your sister’s snarky comment from the corner of the store.

“Nobody asked for your opinion, Odell—“ You snapped.

“It’s not an opinion it’s a fact,”

“I’ll show you a fact, when I come over there and kick your a—!” You had already started to get up to lunge towards her when your father tried to intervene.

“Girls! Enough—“

“… Do you carry ammo for Amban rifles?”

Five pairs of eyes turned towards the lone figure that had just stepped through the doorway. Your eyes immediately focused on the T-shaped visor set in smooth silver beskar. Even out here, you and your siblings were all trained to know quality steel when you saw it, what with your family being in weapon and ship repairs. This was your first time seeing real Mandalorian beskar in person though, much less on a real Mandalorian. You knew there had been a Mandalorian in town a few years back but you’d never actually seen him since he worked for gangsters. Your family must have though if the wide eyed looks of your family members were anything to go by, he definitely did cut an intimidating figure.

“… Yes. We don’t have much in stock but we do carry the rounds,” Your father finally broke the tense silence, startling your sister and mother into action as they shuffled over to the stock room.

“I’ll take what you have. How much?” The Mandalorian swung his rifle around to place in front of your father, but something in the movement caught your eye.

“15 wupiupi—“

“Your rifle… it has a short in the barrel,” You vaguely heard your father’s harsh whisper of your name as you tentatively reached for the rifle, “The trigger is loose, and butt of the rifle is worn down as well… probably from the recoil when you fire,”

You looked up and met the empty glare of the T-visor, your breath caught as you realized that you had essentially taken his gun out of his hands and given him unsolicited criticism on the maintenance of said gun to his face— or rather helmet. You knew you were right in your assessment, you’d been working on guns your entire life, but being met with silence made your stomach drop. You resisted the urge to blurt out that you didn’t really know anything, that you were just a stupid 17 year old trying to impress a bounty hunter, when he finally spared you from the embarrassment. After what felt like ages, but was surely only seconds, the Mandalorian inclined his head mildly in your father’s direction.

“How much for the repairs?” If anyone saw your knees buckle, you were glad that they hadn’t mentioned it.

“The repairs and the ammo for 60 wupiupi, no less,”

“Fine. How long for the repairs to be done” At this the Mandalorian turned your way and you nearly choked, was he expecting you to do it?

“Uh-hrm… a-a couple of hours? 3 tops—“

“You’ve got one and a half. I’ll pay half now and half when it’s finished,” he neatly dropped a pouch into your father’s unexpecting hands and walked out. The silence left in his wake was deafening, until…

“ Yena , what have you gotten yourself into? You foolish girl!”

Kriff.

To say that your parents were mortified, terrified, and petrified by the spectacular heights of your audacity and stupidity would have been an understatement. Your father cursed every piece of faulty machinery in the shop as he helped you strip the rifle, and despite your mother’s many exclamations of being at a loss for words, she still proceeded to nearly shriek at you for the next 20 minutes as you scrambled to get your workstation together. All in all, you were nearly to the point of tears and you only had an hour left to fix the damned thing.

“I take back every time I said I didn’t get myself into trouble, you were right, you were all right,” Your mother’s hysterics must have rubbed off on you because you were nearly inconsolable as you tore your station apart for a driver small enough to tighten the trigger to the firing mechanism.

In a moment of clarity, your father finally kicked your mother and sisters out so you could focus, not that it helped much at this point as you glanced at the clock every 5 minutes. After the 5th time you burned yourself with your welder you finally stopped watching the clock and finished up. The short itself was an exposed wire that was messing with the transfer of the Tibanna gas and creating more force than necessary during firing, which resulted in the excessive recoil and a loose trigger. Your father’s store didn’t carry the type of gunstock necessary to replace the worn butt of the Mandalorian’s rifle, so all you could do was clean, reassemble, and call it done. You wiped your brow and looked up at the clock and realized you had actually made it with 3 minutes to spare, sobs of relief nearly melting you out of your chair as you held the rifle reverently to your chest.

“Get down!” You felt the shock of the explosion before you saw the smoke and ran out into the street with the rifle still pressed to your chest.

“What’s going on?!” You managed your pull one of your neighbors towards you from the people running away from the blast.

“That Mandalorian, the-the crew he was with turned on him! It’s a disaster, he’s holed up in a house, they have him pinned cuz he got hurt saving Ravi!” You felt your blood run cold.

The Mandalorian had saved your sister…

The Mandalorian had saved your sister and he had gotten hurt doing it, and now he was trapped in a house getting shot at by his own crewmates.

Your feet began to move before you had even finished thinking of a plan, rushing into the store and grabbing a box of the ammo the Mandalorian had requested. You strapped the gun to your back and rushed out the back door. It was starting to look like trouble was going to be a friend of yours now.

#the mandalorian #the mandolorian x reader #the mandolorian #the mandalorian x reader #the mandalorian fanfic #mando x reader #mando #Mandalorian #the mandolorian fanfic #Mandolorian #mandalorian x reader #mandolorian x reader #reader #reader fanfiction #no y/n

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bangtan-sonyeonddaeng · 4 years ago

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Wolf AU! BTS Scenario| You get lost in the woods and meet them

You had decided to go for a walk in the woods. They weren’t unfamiliar to you and you had walked often in them. You had a path you had marked off on the trees as a way for you to help find your way back, but today you wanted to stray a little bit from your usual path and explore the woods further. The twigs snapped and leaves crunched under your feet as you made your way further into the undiscovered parts of the woods. You could hear something that sounded like running water and that intrigued you, so you headed towards the sound. Eventually you came to a small brook that was blocking your path. You wanted to keep going, and carefully stepped onto the rocks to keep your shoes from getting wet. However you didn’t notice that one of the rocks was covered in moss, so you lost your footing and fell into the creek. You could feel your ankle roll as you went down and cried out in pain.

“Oh my god. Ow. What the hell? Of course that is just my luck!” You try to stand up but pain shoots through your ankle up your leg and you immediately fall back into the water.

“Well this is great. Just perfect. No one is out here and I’m going to die in this stupid creek.” You flop back into the water and stare up at the sky, questioning all your life choices that lead you to this point. The water and air was getting colder as the day went on and you couldn’t help but start to shiver. You sat up out of the water and attempted to drag yourself out of the creek. It was slow going, but eventually you were now sitting on the edge of the water, completely soaked but at least out of the cold water. You knew yelling for help was fruitless, no one came to these parts of the woods anyway but you yelled anyway, hoping by some miracle someone would hear you. You were just about to give up when you heard branches snapping and brush rustling as if someone was working their way towards you.

“Hello? Is someone there? Can you help me please? I slipped and fell and hurt my ankle I’m worried it might be broken.” The noises get closer, and it definitely sounds like a group of… whatever is headed your way. The footsteps were too light to be human. Now you felt panic bubbling in your chest. There were multiple different animals in these woods that could and would eat a human. You were staring hard where you heard the noises coming from, and saw a flash of dark brown fur go across your vision. Multiple flashes of dark brown and silver fur. As they made their way closer you could tell they were a pack of wolves, 7 of them.

“Oh great! If the starvation doesn’t get me then the wolves will. I shouldn’t have strayed off the path. No, I should never have came into these woods in the first place.” One of the wolves, a rather large black one started walking towards you. It was about a foot away from you now, leaning in to sniff your hand that was resting on the ground.

“Ah you smelling me to see if I am going to be your next meal? Well listen here wolf this is not how I plan to die so if you even try to take a chunk out of my hand I will fight you.” You muster up your most intimidating glare and the wolf tilts its head at you in confusion. It moves closer so it’s face to face with you.

“I was kidding, please don’t eat me.” You squeeze your eyes shut and feel a few puffs of hot air on your face, and when you open your eyes it almost looks like the wolf is laughing at you.

“You think this is funny Mr. Wolf? Cuz I don’t see how this is a laughing matter! I’m going to die out here in the woods because your pack is going to eat me or I’m gonna starve to death.” The wolf whines at you, licking your cheek and sitting down and begins wagging his tail at you.

“You’re very friendly for a wolf. Where did the rest of your pack go?” He glances towards the woods and you can see there are 5 of them there.

“Where’s the 6th?” The black wolf doesn’t say anything, just lays is head on your lap and huffs which you take means it must want pet. So you run your fingers gently over his fur. You see his tail start wagging and it makes you smile and feel better for a few moments. That is until you see a shirtless man walking towards you. His hair is swept away from his face and he has bright blue hair. His eyes look kind enough, as do the dimples that form when he smiles at you. But you aren’t about to just start trusting some random stranger in the woods. You’ve seen enough horror movies to know where this is going.

“Oh my gosh please stay way. My day just keeps getting worse! Mr. Wolf! Attack him!”

“Hey hey whoa, I’m not going to hurt you. We just saw you were injured and wanted to offer to take you back to your car or… wherever you came from to end up here. You’re pretty far into the woods. Humans don’t usually come this far into our territory.

“Your territory? Our? We? There’s only one of you that I see. And what do you mean ‘humans’? You look pretty human to me.” Suddenly the fur in your lap starts to feel more like human hair and you glance down to see another half naked man now in your lap.

“Hi! I’m Taehyung it’s nice to meet you.”

“W-where did the wolf go? Who are you? How did you get there? I must have hit my head when I fell and am just hallucinating. Yes that’s it.”

“I am the wolf silly! Haven’t you ever heard of werewolves before?”

“Werewolves… like Twilight, Teen Wolf, made up stuff from fairy tales? Those werewolves?”

“We are very real I assure you.” The blue haired man says. “Just, Hollywood likes to play things up and make things more dramatic than they actually are. My name is Namjoon.” He holds his hand out and you take it, shaking it more out of habit as your brain right now is still processing all of this. “What’s your name? Do you live close to here so we can take you home?”

“Um.. my name is y/n. I don’t live close by, I drove here but my car is parked back that way somewhere, I think... I marked the trees so I knew which way I came from.”

“Ah that’s quite alright. Yoongi can pick up on your scent and help find your way back to the car even without the markers.” A smaller silver wolf comes out from the trees and makes his way over to you, sniffing your hand and his nose crinkles.

“Oh I’m sorry does my scent offend you? I’ve been lying in a creek for the past five hours I’m not gonna smell like a fresh field of daisies.” Taehyung bursts out laughing at that and Yoongi rolls his eyes, already walking away from you and heading towards the direction of your car.

“Jungkook?” Namjoon asks. A very fluffy and adorable dark brown wolf comes bounding towards him. “Can you go to your human form and carry y/n?” You blink your eyes for a moment and suddenly there is a very tall and muscular man standing over you. You notice the tattoos over his arm and the piercings in his ears. Most people might find him a little intimidating, but his eyes are kind and gentle and you immediately feel at ease when he smiles at you.

“Is that okay? If I lift you up now?”

“Sure. I just want to get home and get warm I’m freezing.” It’s now that you realize just how cold it’s gotten and begin shivering violently. Jungkook immediately scoops you into his arms and carries you effortlessly. And he’s honestly like a space heater. You snuggle closer to his chest and feel him tense up for a moment before he relaxes. “You’re so warm. It’s nice.”

“Um.. thank you I guess? Our body temperature tends to run a lot higher than a normal person so, I guess you can consider me your personal space heater until we get back to your car. “

“Thank you.” You all walk in silence for a while but you become curious about them and decide to ask questions to help pass the time.

“So there’s 7 of you. Who are the others?”

“Ah the little white one, that’s Jimin. The orangish rust colored wolf is Hoseok. Jin is the very broad dark brown wolf. And you already know Yoongi, Namjoon, Taehyung, and myself.”

“How did you all meet?”

“Well, either our packs and families abandoned us or sadly passed away. We all just kind of found each other at some point and decided it was better to stay together than be alone. So we formed out own little pack and family unit.”

“Oh.. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize. We’re all much happier this way.” You smile at that and notice that there is now a blonde man standing next to you and Jungkook.

“Are you Jimin?” He smiles and his eyes disappear which you find absolutely adorable.

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“Your hair color is almost the same as your wolf’s. And your eyes are the same. They hold the same kindness and light.” Jimin smiles at that even more and you can’t help but wonder how anyone could abandon this sweetheart.

“Thank you! You know most people are afraid of us. You’re the first human we’ve had contact with in over 5 years.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Usually they run away from our wolf form, or run away from our human form when they realize what we are.”

“That’s…. sad.”

“It is. But honestly you were terrified when you first saw us too. I think if your ankle wasn’t hurt you would have run away too.” You hear a new voice say. Suddenly two more humans have joined you. “I’m Jin by the way. And this is Hoseok.”

“Nice to meet you both. And… as much as I wish I could say you’re wrong, you’re probably right. But I’m sorry. You all are so kind and sweet I guess I shouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

“Nonsense! You’re a human! You can’t tell the different between your friendly neighborhood werewolves or a feral wolf that just wants to eat you! You absolutely should be cautious!” It almost feels like Hoseok is scolding you and you shrink back against Jungkook.

“But… how can I tell? I don’t want to offend you all if I come across a werewolf again that is just looking for some companionship or a friend.”

“There’s really no way for you to know. Unless you get close enough to realize one is going to growl at you and try to bite you which at that point will be too late. And the other is just going to walk up to you immediately looking to befriend you, like Taehyung did.” You can hear Jungkook’s voice rumbling in his chest as he speaks and it immediately relaxes you. It’s quiet again after that until you hear Yoongi yipping up ahead. He breaks through the trees and you know this must be finally back to the area where you parked your car.

“Oh thank heavens.” You start squirming in Jungkook’s hold and he gently scolds you.

“Ah y/n don’t move around so much, you want me to drop you?”

“S-sorry!”

“By the way how are you going to get home with your ankle injured?” Taehyung asks.

“Oh. I can drive with my other foot.”

“Are you sure? One of us can take you home if you want?”

“Then how are you going to get back here?”

“I guess I didn’t think of that… you don’t want a new wolf roommate?” If Taehyung was in his wolf form you know his ears would be flat against his head as he was afraid of you rejecting his offer.

“Honestly I would love to have any one of you stay with me but, I would never try to split up your family and I don’t exactly have room for 7 large wolves in my apartment.” Jimin giggles at that and pulls Taehyung back from you. Namjoon opens the car door and turns the car on but Jungkook refuses to let go of you.

“Um… Jungkook you can put me down now.”

“I will once your car warms up! I just don’t want you to be cold.” He holds onto you a little tighter until he deems your car warm enough and gently sets you down on the seat. You lean down and pat Yoongi’s head, thanking him for leading you back here. He makes a scoffing sound but you don’t miss the way his tail is wagging slightly, almost as if it has a mind of its own and he’s trying to stop it.

“Well I guess I should probably get going now. Thank you all so much. Seriously I don’t think I would have made it out of the woods without you. I owe you my life.”

“Oh it’s not trouble really! We’re just glad we could help you.” Namjoon places a hand on your shoulder and closes the car door for you. But before you can even put the car in drive suddenly your door is thrown open and Taehyung is clinging to you.

“Please come back to visit us! You’re really nice and don’t judge us and I think I speak for everyone when I say we would love to get to know you and be friends with you.” You’re a little taken aback at first, but eventually move your hand to Taehyung’s hair and run your fingers through it.

“Oh of course I will come back to see you guys. I know we haven’t known each other very long but I’ve already grown quite attached to you all. It just might be a while because I have to wait for my ankle to heal before I come back out here but, I promise I will be back.”

“Pinky promise?” Jimin holds out his pinky to you and looks at you hopefully. You don’t hesitate to link them together.

“Pinky promise. I won’t abandon you guys.” You hear a whimper from Taehyung and kiss the top of his head and ruffle his hair playfully. He pulls away and the large boxy smile on his face is one of the most endearing sights you’ve ever seen. He closes the door for you and waves. They all wave goodbye to you, Yoongi holding his paw up and Jin very dramatically blows you a kiss. You giggle and wave back, watching the rearview mirror as they all change back into their wolf form and go darting back into the woods playfully chasing after one another. Today might not have went the way you were planning, but you can honestly say despite the setbacks it was one of the best you’ve had. You have 7 new friends in your life and you can’t wait to get to know them and their way of life, maybe even someday getting to show them yours too.

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allegra-writes · 5 years ago

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"Fine line" part I

Peter Parker x SHIELD Agent! Reader x Harry Osborn

Teen and Up

Warnings: Canon typical violence

Part of the "Fine Line" series. Welcome to the endgame.

SERIES MASTERLIST | MY MASTERLIST

He had never seen you fight before. It was stupid of him, and potentially dangerous, to stop and think about something like that in the middle of a freaking battle, but he just couldn't help it. You were graceful, deadly. You and Kate Bishop moving together like a well oiled machine. Strike team Delta, Fury's pride. A blur of perfectly shot arrows and high kicks.

But not even you were enough to stop the giant monstrosity in its path of destruction, not even him was. And it had hostages now.

"Six!"

"I know K, I'm seeing it!"

"I'm on it guys!" Peter called back as he swung by you like a red and blue meteor, following the greenish abomination currently climbing up the side of a skyscraper, carrying a sports car on his free hand as effortlessly as if it was a toy.

"One little question though" He switched to coms, "What the hell is that thing??"

"That thing" You explained, "is Norman Osborn…"

Peter's hand slipped, sending him flying face first into the building wall,

"Say what?!"

"We'll fill you up later, Spidey" Kate quipped, "For now, would you mind giving us a hand before King-kong over there kills anyone? I don't trust his butter fingers not to drop that Audi"

"Yes, ma'am" You could hear Peter's smile in his voice, "S.H.I.E.L.D girls are so bossy"

"Well, we are your superiors..." You noted, finally arriving at the entrance of the building when he was already halfway to the top.

"Ugh, I hate it when you pull rank on me" He groaned, swerving to dodge the shards of broken glass raining upon him.

You snorted,

"No you don't"

"No, I don't" He admitted, "Kinda turns me on"

"Ew! Guys, I can hear you" Kate catched up to you, shooting an arrow hooked to a line around her belt. Peter wasn't surprised to see it hit its mark flawlessly on a ledge above his head, "Hi, hot stuff, need a ride?"

You rolled your eyes, but wrapped your arms around her shoulders nonetheless, holding on tight.

"Hey!" Peter protested, mid swing, "No flirting with my girl!"

"I saw her first!" Kate released the latch, and soon you both were ascending at breakneck speed, easily surpassing Peter, "Race you to the top, Spidey!"

His laughter resonated through the coms, as he sped up to follow you, guns blazing into the battle.

…

There was no laughter anymore. The friendly banter and quick comebacks had died long ago, the second you had realized it was a trap. The goblin creature was far more intelligent than you were led to believe, having set the ploy from the very beginning, his seemingly driftless rampage through the city, not so random after all.

And far more psychotic, as you had learnt when he tore open the car in his hands to reveal the terrified blond man inside.

"HARRY!"

Peter's horrified scream matched your own.

"Well well well, it seems you awake quite the loyalty" a massive hand closed around Harry's torso, his indigo orbs finding yours across the rooftop "for such a pathetic little worm"

"Let him go, Goblin" Kate's tone was placating, almost gentle, "you don't know what you're doing…"

The creature laughed,

"That's what you think? What your imbecilic little investigation concluded?" Kate and you exchanged a look. Of course. Your investigation about the Green Goblin and other Oscorp shady experiments relied heavily on Norman Osborn personal files. The thought of the passionate scientist, who valued his work more than his own son, lying in his own research had never even crossed your minds. He had played you like a fiddle, misled you every step of the way, and you had bought right into it.

"I worked with S.H.I.E.L.D longer than you had been alive, and Fury thinks he can sic you after me? Two little girls playing spy and my own creation??" Harry looked about ready to pass out as the Goblin waved him around, gesticulating with his hands as he spoke.

Through the corner of his eye, Peter caught a glimpse of Kate inching closer to the beast, and was only half interested when he inquired,

"What do you mean your creation?"

"Everything special about you," The Goblin's deformed visage twisted in what Peter assumed was supposed to be a smirk, "came from one of my labs!"

"That might be true, you might have involuntarily given me my powers, but you didn't make me Spider-man" Peter countered, "Mister Stark gave me the suit, and showed me what it meant to be a hero, and I loved him and admire him more than you will ever be able to understand, but he didn't make me Spider-man either.

I choose to be Spider-man, every day. I created myself, cause it isn't who we were made to be that makes us who we are. Our choices make us who we are! You might have the powers and appearance of a monster, but you don't have to be one!"

"If you really think that, you are even more stupid than I thought, Peter Parker"

"Pe-peter?" Harry gasped through the creatures crushing grasp around his torso. Peter hesitated for a second, before taking his mask off.

"Yeah, it's me, buddy" He admitted, watching his friend's eyes go wide, "It's going to be ok, Haz. We'll get you out of this, I promise…"

Famous last words. Peter should have known better by then than to jinx things like that. Because not two minutes later, he was seeing Kate's little ambush fail, the creature's tail whipping around with enough force to send her flying against a wall and knock her out, Peter's own kick just a little too slow to stop the Goblin from grabbing you in his free hand.

"Wings? It has fucking wings??" Peter cursed under his breath, scrambling to follow the monster as he flapped his enormous, membranous wings, soaring across the city. But the creature had no intention of going too far.

"You say our choices make us who we are, very well" The Goblin challenged him, hovering above 700 feet of empty air, and Peter's heart stopped. "Let's see what yours are. What is it going to be, your friend… or your lover?"

"Don't do it, Goblin!" He yelled, standing on a ledge, ready to pounce, when he saw it. Or rather, saw her, purple hair blowing in the wind, standing on the air, a little lower and further behind from the Goblin, one palm pointed down, creating some sort of sonic wave that kept her up. She signaled a series of orders with her free hand, and Peter nodded almost imperceptibly, but enough for you to realize something was happening. You twisted in the Goblins grip to see what was going on at your back. Oh, fuck.

"Make your choice, Peter. Now!"

Norman Osborn let go of you and Harry at the same time, leaving you to watch your boyfriend dive for your ex. But you weren't falling, you were floating, cushioned by a column of vibrating air.

"Don't worry, rookie," You heard an annoyingly familiar voice say, "big sis is here…"

Great. You were never going to live this down, now.

Meanwhile, Peter had problems of his own, the momentum the Goblin had thrown his own son away making it difficult for him to catch Harry on time.

And even after he had the other man safe in his arms, he wouldn't stop squirming, fighting in his hold.

"Noooo! Go after her! Save her!!"

Peter managed to land the both of them in a terrace,

"She's ok! She's fine, see? She's got this! She's got this…" Peter finally released Harry, pointing up to the place where you still were hovering in the air with that other agent.

"She… she's… flying?"

"I think that is actually the other one's making…" Peter shrugged, scratching the back of his neck. Harry started pacing back and forth, obviously overwhelmed, trying to make sense of everything that had just happened.

"And you're Spider-man…" he turned to Peter, who nodded. "And that thing… what the fuck was that thing?"

Peter hesitated,

"Apparently, a crazy scientist" he finally decided on a half truth.

"A crazy… Mate, what even is your life?"

"Honestly? I've been asking myself that same question for years…"

Harry barked out a watery, hysterical laugh. He wanted to punch the shorter guy, he wanted to throw himself at his feet and thank him for saving his life. To apologize for all the drunken midnight calls, and also stab him in his boyishly handsome face for being so fucking noble and heroic and brave and impossibly perfect and for stealing his girl.

He clutched as his chest, the burn almost making him double over in pain, and he realized he was hyperventilating.

"Harry, Harry, look at me. Look at me! Do you feel my chest? Can you feel my chest under your hand?"

Harry noticed then that Peter was pressing his open palm, splayed against the spider logo on his own chest. He nodded his affirmation.

"Good, feel how it moves? Breath with me" Peter ordered, "inhale…"

Harry breathed in, in time with his friend's expanding chest.

"Now exhale"

Harry let go of his breath.

"That's right, you're doing so great" Peter's praise warmed up something inside his gut. "Inhale…" and Harry did, catching a faint whiff of your perfume. Peter smelled like you, the realization making him notice just how close to each other they were, only inches apart. And he wondered idly if that was the view you were used to, the one you favored over everything else: warm brown eyes, staring into your soul, right before leaning in. He wondered if you appreciated those hard, muscular shoulders under your hands, before pulling him close. He wondered if Peter's lips still tasted like you.

And before he knew it, Peter found himself with Harry's mouth crashing on his.

He knew he should stop it, step away, but he was rooted to the spot, caught off guard by the sudden onslaught of sensations. It was different from kissing a girl. Hard planes where he was used to soft curves. The tickle of scruff, and slightly chapped lips where he was used to your strawberry sweet lipstick. But as Harry's tongue licked his bottom lip, begging for entrance, Peter couldn't help but open up to him, to surrender to him, as his tongue conquered every inch of Peter's mouth, a greddy, hungry victor.

"I hate you so much" Harry breathed against Peter's mouth, even as his big hands came to frame the brunet's face, the metal of his finger rings cool against Peter's cheeks

"Doesn't feel like hate…" He quipped, before scraping his teeth against Harry's lips, tearing a moan out of him.

"No, it doesn't" the taller boy admitted, pushing one thigh between Peter's, gasping as he felt one of the hero's hands coming to rest against his lower back, pressing him closer.

"You taste like cigarettes" Peter marveled, for some reason finding the bittersweet taste delicious.

"And you taste like her" Harry replied, diving in again.

Peter froze. Her. You. His girlfriend.

"Harry… Harry stop" Peter muttered, between nibbles "we need to stop. This is wrong"

"Feels right" The heir protested, teeth latching onto Peter's lower lip to stop him from pulling away. Peter groaned, but managed to break the kiss anyway.

"It's not. We can't do this to her."

Harry sighed, resting his forehead against Peter's, still reluctant to let go completely,

"I know…" he admitted.

They stood like that for a few moments, willing breathings to calm, and hearts to slow down.

"You should go" Harry spoke finally, taking a step back, Peter immediately missing the warmth of his body in his arms. He wanted to say something, anything, to chase away the heartbreak, the loneliness in those pale blue eyes, but he couldn't. The knot in his own throat would not allow it.

So he just stepped away, slipping his mask on, and jumped. He caught a glimpse of Harry's teary, red face, sticking out from the balcony to watch him go, before shooting off a web and swinging away, back to the skyscraper where Kate had fallen. Because if he knew you at all, that was exactly where you were going to be, taking care of your best friend.

…

"...I'm telling you, I had everything under control!"

"Is that why you were hanging 700 feet in the air?" The purple haired girl argued, crossing her arms over her chest, "Admit it, rookie, you're lucky I arrived just in time to save your ass. Again."

You were fuming, face flushed and eyes bright, and Peter found himself struck yet again by how gorgeous you were. A pang of guilt stabbed his stomach.

"I didn't ask you too" You replied, petulantly, "and stop calling me 'rookie', I'm a level 9 agent."

"... I'm still higher than you"

"For one level!" You cried in frustration, "One single fucking level!"

"Would you two shut up?" Kate stumbled up, and Peter broke free from his haze to hurry and wrap a stabilizing arm around her shoulders, "You're giving me a headache"

"Yeah, that would be the concussion," purple quipped, "don't worry, Simmons should be here any minute to take a look at that"

"Yay, finally a sane person to talk to" Kate deadpanned. Purple ignored her.

"And you must be the boyfriend…" She singsonged, nudging you with her shoulder, "He's cute under the mask, how did you managed to get him to go out with you?"

"Hey!" Peter and you exclaimed indignantly, in unison.

"I'm kidding, jeez!" She raised her hands in surrender. "Come on, won't you introduce us?"

You rolled your eyes, but complied anyway,

"Daisy, this is Peter Parker. Peter, this is Daisy Johnson, weirdo fancies herself my sister"

"Ooh, 'fancies'! You've spent way too much time with that brit boy, didn't you?"

"Daisy, I swear to god I will-"

"You need to tell her" Kate whispered, taking advantage of your distraction.

"Wh-what?"

She scoffed, Kate had never had much patience for anyone's bullshit.

"About what just happened with Harry. She will understand, Peter, I promise. But only if she hears it from you"

"H-how do you know?"

"I see better from afar" The archer smirked, before returning her attention to you and, apparently, your sister.

"Are they always like that?" Peter whispered, a little alarmed. Kate snorted,

"Just wait till you meet the rest of her old team…"

"Yeah, what do you say, boyfriend?" Daisy smirked, mischievous glimmer in her eyes so much like yours, "Ready to meet the family?"

Peter gulped, he really wasn't.

To be continued...

#peter parker #peter parker x reader #peter parker imagine #tom holland #tom holland x reader #tom holland imagine #peter parker fanfic #tom holland fanfic #harry osborn x peter parker #harry osborn imagine #harry osborn #harrison osterfeild x reader #harrison osterfield #harrison osterfield x tom holland #fine line series

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dewitty1 · 4 years ago

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Isolated Thunderstorms and Scattered Showers

triggerlil @triggerlil

Chapters: 1/1 Fandom: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Draco Malfoy/Harry Potter, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Pansy Parkinson/Ginny Weasley, Anthony Goldstein/Wayne Hopkins, Seamus Finnigan/Dean Thomas, past Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley - Relationship Characters: Harry Potter, Draco Malfoy, Hermione Granger, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Pansy Parkinson, Blaise Zabini, Neville Longbottom, Dean Thomas, Luna Lovegood, Anthony Goldstein, Wayne Hopkins, Harry Potter Characters, Original Characters Additional Tags: Hogwarts Eighth Year, Hurt/Comfort, Invisibility Cloak (Harry Potter), Slow Burn, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Pining, Denial of Feelings, Some Humor, Panic Attacks, Harry Potter has Anxiety, Apologies, Questioning Sexuality, Brief Mention of Coma

Summary:

Post-war, Harry needs space. Everything is too much all at once, and time and time again, he finds himself pulling the invisibility cloak over his head, just for a bit of peace.

Returning for eighth year is hard, especially when you're considered a war hero, and your name is Harry James Potter. It's just that things go a little wonky when Harry starts following Malfoy, and finds that he can't (or doesn't want to) stop.

Excerpt:

Malfoy seemed to finally notice his sleeve was still rolled up and pushed it down hastily. "Why have you been doing it?"

"I don't know. Everyone is always looking at me, or talking about me, or something." Harry couldn't believe he was telling this to Malfoy, this thing he had never said out loud, but now that he was talking he didn't know how to stop. "Sometimes it feels so hard to breathe, like the pressure of what everyone expects is sitting on my chest, or…." Harry trailed off, suddenly embarrassed. "I don't know."

Malfoy let out a slow breath. "I understand."

Harry sat up a bit straighter, turning to face Malfoy. This close, openly staring at each other, both soaked, it felt terrifyingly intimate.

"The son of a Death Eater, a Death Eater in my own right—people are always wary around me. You know, crowds will part as I walk through, because no one wants to be near me."

"I'm near you," Harry said dumbly.

"Yes, I see that." Malfoy smirked.

"After that moment on the train, I just…." Harry wanted to look anywhere but Malfoy as he said this, and yet he couldn't look away from those glittering grey eyes, which seemed to be prying out every secret Harry had ever held. "I couldn't stop looking for you."

Malfoy raised an eyebrow nonchalantly, but Harry could see his fingers tighten, gripping the stone. Harry brought his own hands down to the cold steps, which cut into his fingers painfully.

"It was like sixth year all over again," Harry bemoaned, letting that admission hang heavy around them.

The rain was finally beginning to let up, the setting sun sending light scattering across fresh puddles and rippling across the grounds.

"Hopefully not, since you thought I was up to something."

Harry blinked against the sudden brightness as the sun shimmered across the Great Lake in the distance. "No, not this time." Harry let his hand shift an inch towards Malfoy's. "And… I'm sorry," he bit out, something inside him rearing at the idea of apologising to Malfoy, but he tamped it down. "I'm sorry, for erm, in the bathroom."

Malfoy nodded curtly. "Well if we're giving apologies, I suppose I'm sorry for, you know, most of it."

"You suppose?"

“I—No, I am sorry. For all of it. I was… a real twat. I was terrible, more than terrible. I hated myself, and I hated everyone around me, and it’s not an excuse, but I see that now. How terrible I was, I mean. I made mistakes, and I want to make up for them. And I’m sorry… I’m sorry.”

Harry moved his hand another quarter inch. He wasn’t sure how to respond to something so sincere. "You really were a twat."

"You're not supposed to agree with me, you git."

“Then what would be the point of your apology?”

“You’re right,” Draco sighed. “Prick.”

"Of course I am." Harry crept his hand even closer. There were only a few centimetres separating them now. “Dickhead.”

"I hate you."

"Well, I don’t," Harry said, and he realised that he meant it. He could sense Malfoy's hand next to his own, and didn’t dare to move any closer. Could Malfoy feel it too?

The sun had almost set, and a chill carried on the evening air. "What are we going to do now?" Malfoy asked.

Harry shrugged. "Well, we’re not enemies."

"No," Malfoy agreed. “But we’re not friends.

Harry nodded. “Not friends, but not enemies.”

"Even though I have the dark mark?"

Harry couldn't forget the images of green skulls bursting across the night sky, the floating masks in the graveyard, the dark mark slithering across people's wrists when Voldemort called for them. But he also saw Malfoy's blotchy and terrified face as he showed the mark to Dumbledore, and right now, sitting on the steps, he saw that Malfoy's knuckles were white.

"You made mistakes, you did bad things, but that… doesn't mean you're a bad person."

"Saviour Potter strikes again—"

Harry felt a tiny flare of anger. "Oh fuck off, Malfoy, I'm not trying to be all holier-than-thou. I'm serious. Snape had the dark mark, but he took actions to prove himself more than that."

Malfoy sighed, turning away, and Harry pulled his hand back to cross his arms.

"We should go inside," Harry said, standing up.

"Wait, Potter," Malfoy said, grabbing the edge of Harry's robes. He stood up awkwardly, dropping his arms to his sides. "If we're not friends or enemies, then what are we?"

"I think…" Harry started, steeling himself. "I think we’re nothing on the way to being something."

"What does that even mean, you idiot?"

"It means I don't want to use the invisibility cloak anymore, and I don't want you to avoid everyone anymore."

"The school year is almost over. Isn't it a bit late for that?"

Harry shook his head. "It's only spring, Malfoy."

"Whatever, Potter. I'm cold and wet, I'm going inside."

"Cast a drying charm, or aren't you a pureblood wizard?"

Malfoy rolled his eyes, pulling out his wand. He rolled it in his palm. "Why did my wand react to you?"

"I don't know, Malfoy."

"It felt different after you gave it back to me."

"Do you think it's because of… us?"

Malfoy scowled, and Harry steeled himself, holding out his hand. Malfoy regarded him with surprised disdain. Harry imagined they were both aware of the parallels, and for a moment, he worried Malfoy would just turn around and walk right into the castle. Say fuck all to apologies, to being a better person. Harry had rejected him once, why give him a second chance? But, tentatively, Malfoy clasped Harry's hand. Malfoy—no, he was Draco now, maybe had been for some time—Draco’s grip was firm but his skin soft. And just like when Harry had held on to Draco’s wand, he felt a rush of energy, of comfort, the feeling of coming home, and judging by Draco's widening eyes, he felt it too.

"What does that mean?" Draco whispered with a tremor in his voice, as they let their hands drop to their sides.

“I’m not sure,” Harry replied honestly. “That there’s more to all this than we thought?”

Malfoy smirked. “I guess we’ve always kind of gravitated towards each other.”

Harry tried to quell the blush that bloomed on his cheeks, but when Malfoy’s eyes glinted and the tips of his ears turned pink, he knew he had failed. Harry turned, and Draco finally cast those drying charms.

Silently, they headed back into the castle. Even though people whispered as they walked through the Entrance Hall, Harry felt better knowing it wasn't just about him anymore, but him and Draco, that they were sharing this burden. There were still lots of things to talk about between the two of them, but they had made a tentative start. Harry wasn't sure what was going to happen next, and as they made their way to the eighth year table in the Great Hall, he wasn't even sure what he wanted to do after all this. Stay on at Hogwarts? Or was there something better out there waiting for him?

(◍•ᴗ•◍)♡ ✧*。

#Isolated Thunderstorms and Scattered Showers #triggerlil #Drarry #Drarry fic rec #fic rec #drarry fanfiction #Drarry squad #Drarry eighth year #Hogwarts eighth year #Harry Potter #Draco Malfoy #H/d wireless 2020 #H/d wireless fest #Iris by the goo goo dolls #fic for me!#My prompt!#Carey's Bookmark fic recs #Carey's personal Bookmarks

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dontgetsalmonella · 4 years ago

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Here are some of the Italian ACOSF reviews translated (Spoilers!)

Contains spoilers people be careful!!!!!!! Also this is kinda long, oops

Okay so, instead of studying for my nutrition exam, I translated some of the ACOSF reviews from Goodreads. I speak Spanish so I read all of those reviews too but there wasn’t anything too good. And let me tell ya, reading Italian as a Spanish speaker is like having a stroke, I can understand it but theres just something off in every sentence, so I had to turn to Google translate.

First review, 4 stars: “I still don't know how many stars to give, but I have to say I'm pretty surprised. It's not perfect, please, but after leaving Crescent City halfway through I was terrified. Instead, the commitment of Maas is very noticeable. Among the books I've read (and I've read almost all of them except Kingdom of ash) this seems to me the best in terms of style (I REPEAT, it's not perfect, there are always some very ... "Maas-like" things, but they are not annoying, indeed they made me smile). Nesta is a wonderful, realistic character, for me the best written by the author. I saw myself there a lot and I won't deny that in some scenes I was also very excited.”

5 stars, “Very beautifull! I have to be completely honest, when I read that it was a 720-page brick, it took the anxiety. Could I have finished it in time? And then, would Maas have convinced me? Both responses came quickly. This is a transformative book for Nesta, there is so much inside her (and I had already seen it) that every page of this novel was necessary for her to grow up, to accept, to learn. Cassian is wonderful, as always. His patience, his sweetness, his love are deep and transpire from the paper. As announced by Maas, this book is downright hot, it contains explicit sex scenes and if that bothers you then be prepared. The relationship between Nesta and Cassian grows slowly like a fire which at first is just a flame but in the end burns with passion. I already loved them as secondary characters and now, even more. Maybe there will be flaws, but honestly I can't find them after reading. Get ready for a great book!”

4.75 stars, “700 pages (in the italian version) dedicated to the Nessian! Oh, my little heart! :3 I enjoyed the reading so much, there's so much romance (very adult romance) and all my expectations were met. Rhys, forgive me, but I fell completely in love with Cassian. And Nesta, I feel you girl! Can't wait to tell you more! My review will be out on February, 23th”

5 stars, “It's been a week since I finished this book and I still can't get it out of my head. I already know that it will be among the favorites of the year, because the story of Cassian and Nesta has really conquered me * - * The growth path of the two protagonists is crazy, but to be honest, I never doubted that Maas would have made their justice. I'll tell you about it on February 22, but I can't wait for you all to read it, and above all I need to have the next book in the series in my hands (even if we don't know who it will be yet) <3″

An english review from some (lucky) gal who got her copy early, “I honestly thought I'd struggle with this book. I haven't really liked Nesta in the previous books, and thought being in her head would be hard. Boy was I wrong! My book got delivered early, and I decided to dive in. Almost immediately upon starting the book, I was in love. Nesta is sharp-tongued and often cruel, but it comes from a place of deep hurt. She does a *lot* of work over the course of the book to make up for the wrongs she has committed, particularly against her sisters, and become a better, stronger person. Through it all is Cassian. He sees just how strong and amazing Nesta can be, if only she would let herself. Along with some amazing characters, this books is super steamy! While I'm kinda annoyed my cover won't match the rest of the books, I do appreciate that they made this one look more adult fantasy, cause it definitely is. There is a lot of sex, and while I think a teen who already reads romances would be totally fine, I wouldn't want someone picking it up expecting the more typical teen romance levels. While the romance was great (and pretty central to the story), A Court of Silver Flames also had a number of great plots. I won't go into too much detail (because spoilers) but I'll touch on some of them. First and foremost, is Nesta's character plot. Her family is sick of her crap, and have set an ultimatum. She's to train with Cassian and spend time in the library assisting the women who live there. She's incredibly resistant to this at first (unsurprisingly), but with the help of those around her, she grows to greatly enjoy this time. It's also how she gets to know some great women that she ends up befriending. The plot most connected to the rest of the ACOTAR world involves a rising conflict with the mortal queens (one in particular). To try to beat her, the crew must recover some ancient magical artifacts before their enemies do. This plot gave Cassian and Nesta something to do outside of training and sexy-times. While somewhat contained to the book, I suspect this plot will also carry over into the other books...”

#acosf #acosf spoilers #acosf sneak peek #acotar spoilers #spoilers

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st-edna · 4 years ago

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花樣年華: Never Mind

Something about the ambiguity of youth draws attention like nothing else. Coming-of-age books and films, it almost feels like they will never get old. I, despite not being the biggest fan of either medium genres, wholeheartedly understand why and how they gather so much love and praise. The growing up pains are truly unlike anything else that one can encounter; such a twisted, patchy journey in which the end game is somehow terrifying, tempting and bittersweet all at once. The concept itself is one I can find myself seeking comfort in when I desperately crave distraction, a light getaway from the mundane reality of everyday life. But the escape route found within these sorts of films and books is much different to the ones found in fantasy or sci-fi genres. It’s more wholesome, more soothing and calming. When this subject is combined with music, an actual physical figure of nostalgia is formed. BTS’ HYYH albums (Part 1, Part 2 and Young Forever) are the pure embodiments of youth and every little companion that follows in its footsteps.

The inevitable cliches that come with portraying teenager / young adult lives are what I feel like are quite hard to detect when it comes to music. This is in certain ways both a perk and a con, in my opinion. It’s a con because these cliches in films and books serve as saving points — ones creators can turn to when in dire need, knowing perfectly well they will do the deed. I honestly cannot think of a cliche script to be used in a song centering around youth (even bland lyrics don’t seem to have the same impact a cliche plot or line has on me). On the other hand, it feels like a perk because it’s the ultimate chance for the listener to experience something new with each artist’s song. No growing up story is the same, yet a considerable majority carry similar elements, similar low points and similar emotional enlightenments. Taking youth as the basis of an album gives the artist so much material to choose from. An endless supply of teenager angst, heartbreak, hope, dreams and affection.

Every time I listen to BTS’ HYYH albums (translated to The Most Beautiful Moment in Life) I feel the traces of memories I never had and relationships I never actually witnessed. The details are imaginary, they belong to the minds of others, but the essence of them all is the same rough journey that is reaching adulthood.

One particular song I believe will never cease to have the utmost emotional effect on me is the intro song of The Most Beautiful Moment in Life Pt.2: Never Mind. Talking about not only mental health that practically becomes fragile in the prime of teen years, but also the process of finding a dream to clutch onto, to put all your belief and hopes in; these carry so much depth and meaning that it’s hard for me to try and put their worth into words. Intro: Never Mind is the kind of work that it’s obvious it derives from a place of real life, it has that undeniably raw sense of being lived through. The reality, however, does not degrade its ability to incorporate the lyrics into your own life, any life.

The perfect introduction to the part 2 of what I consider to be the best era of BTS. Every lyric scribbled in this three part series is the most special combination of depressing, heart-wrenching, vehement, comforting and hopeful words I have personally ever come across. These are the types of albums you can just never seem to let go or grow out of. They hold too much nostalgia.

youtube

I used to run only looking the front

Without sparing a moment to look around

Before I knew about it, I had become the pride of my family

And I had become fairly successful

The time called adolescence

I suddenly think of it

Back then I was young and had nothing to be afraid of

A few frustrations meant nothing

The only differences are my height that increased a bit compared to then

And my view that matured a bit more compared to those of my age

From a basement studio in Namsandong

To Apgujeong I laid my beat, the origin of my youth

Everyone around me told me not to go overboard

They told me I’d make my whole family go broke if I acted like some musician

It was then that I stopped caring about whoever said whatever

I just lived my life the way I wanted, the way I believed

How do you think I am now?

내가 보기엔 어떨 것 같아? How do you think I think I am?

내가 망하길 기도했던 몇몇 놈에게 물을게 I’m asking this to those who prayed for my failure

Do you think I ruined my family, you bastards?

I don’t give a shit I don’t give a f*ck

Like I said hundreds of times every day

‘Take your damn attention off me’

We can taste failure and hang our head in frustration

We are still young, so don’t worry about anything at all

On a stone that doesn’t roll

Moss grows certainly “A rolling stone gathers no moss” in Korea usually means one who diligently endeavors neither settles for the present nor falls behind. “On a stone that doesn’t roll, moss grows certainly” therefore means one who doesn’t consistently try hard will surely lag behind

If there’s no way back, go straight

Forget about all your mistakes

Never mind

It won’t be easy, but have this engraved in your heart

If you think you’re gonna crash, accelerate even harder, you idiot

Never mind, never mind

No matter how thorny the road is, run

Never mind, never mind

There’re a lot of things in the world that you can’t control

You better

Never mind, Never mind

Translation Link

#bts #bangtan #never mind #hyyh #the most beautiful moment in life #lyrics #songs #music #Youtube

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airis-paris14 · 4 years ago

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Redemption 15

Summary:One person, a secret, and and ocean tore them apart. Six years later, they find their way back together. But a rekindled love is not Redemption.

A/N: Let me know how y’all feel about this cause, chile..... I hope y’all enjoyed the fluff while it lasted.

Masterlist

[5 Weeks Ago] Birnin Zana, The Royal City, Wakanda

The palace was silent as the royal family sorted through the work in the office. “I am going to get some lunch. Did either of you want anything?” Shuri stood filing away the papers she had sorted through. “No,” Ramonda glanced up sadly at her youngest child, “Thank you though.”

“Brother,” the teen pulled the newly coronated king out of his thoughts. “No, I am fine. I want to get through this safe before I take a break for the day.” The king stood from his father’s chair and walked over to the desk, looking for the holographic keypad. “Very well. I am gonna head down to my lab after I eat, if I am excused, mama?”

Ramonda nodded silently and the teen kissed the crown of her head before leaving. The Queen watched her son fiddle with the safe before speaking,” Try your ring,” She stood and glided over to where he stood. “One time, Your father asked me to grab something from the safe, and that is when I realized the keypad and lock did not work. Place your ring under the lock projector.” With an eyebrow raised, T’challa let the light flow over his ring before the door clicked open. His mother smiled as the king pulled the small safe open. “You are welcome,” the Queen Mother laughed. T’Challa chuckled and grabbed the surprisingly small stack of papers out of the metal box. A small stack of letters caught his attention. “Will you take your father’s office? Or remodel your own?” The Queen asked, looking up when she did not receive an answer. “T’Challa?”

“I am sorry. What did you ask Mama?” The king continued to shuffle through the envelopes, his frown deepening with each subsequent pass. “What on earth are you reading?” The Queen frowned and reached for an envelope. “These letters, I know this address. I saw a deed for it the last time I sorted through these papers with baba.”

“Well, what did he say about them? I am sure it is just a war dog-” The queen is cut off as T’Challa shot out of his seat. He slipped his shoes on and ran out of the room. “For Bast’s sake,” Ramonda sighed and grabbed the letters her son dropped. A picture of a small boy and a pair of graduation tickets fall out of the envelope. In the photo, the child was smiling, holding a backpack and grinning, his smile just like T’Challa’s. The longer she stared, the more obvious the connection became. The mother flipped over the picture and read Aiden’s First Day of School. Her heart sank as she opened the letter and saw the signature at the bottom, “Zari. Oh, my love, what have you done T’Chaka?” Tears formed in Ramonda’s eyes as she began to look around for more clues as to what had transpired all the while her mind kept repeating. My son has a son.

The roaring of a jet caught her attention as it shot past the palace window. She sighed realizing her son left to walk into a situation he hardly understood. Ramonda plopped back into her husband’s desk chair. “I thought we promised not to hide anything from each other?” Her hands ran over the desk before she found the compartment latch she was looking for. The wooden top popped off and she reached in. Sorting through the papers, she found the deed to the townhouse and started to connect the dates. The more she searched her husband’s files the picture became even more clear. “But what is a marriage without secrets,” the woman sighed, dropping her head into her hands.

[Present Day] New York City, New York, United States of America

“What are you doing?”

Zari looks up to find Melanie frowning from the doorway. “I’m just,” she stutters as her partner walks in, “Supposed to be on a flight back home with your son and boyfriend,” Melanie drops her bags and raises an eyebrow. Zari’s gaze flits between the door, her phone, the costumes, and Melanie. “Does T’Challa know you are here?”

Tears form in the young mother’s eyes before she can stop them. A sob forces its way out of her throat and soon Melanie’s arms engulf her in a hug. “Okay okay,” the brown-skinned seamstress soothes her best friend. “Tell mama all about it child,” Melanie sings. A laugh mixes with a sob as Zari tries to catch her breath. A few minutes later her breathing evened out and the two women were rocking together slowly. “You ready to tell me what that was all about?”

Zari sighs and looks up at her best friend, “I’m terrified to go home.”

“Well, I got that,” Melanie laughs and Zari does too. “Have you told T’Challa how you feel?”

“We talked about it last weekend, but I thought that I could come here and calm my nerves before flying out.”

“This can’t be your only safe haven love. If T’Challa knows you are nervous, I’m sure he’d be more than willing to help ground you.”

Zari sighs, “I know. But he and Aiden. They’re so excited. Aiden has been learning Xhosa and how to greet his grandmother and aunt and-“ the young mother teared up, “I just feel like I’m ruining everything. I can’t seem to get excited about going home. I’m terrified.”

“I know, but you have to be kinder to yourself. You are a survivor Zari. Wakanda comes with a lot of baggage for you. It’s ground zero for some of the worst moments of your life.

In spite of that, you agreed to go to make your son happy. You’re putting his needs before yours and that’s what a true mother does.” Melanie reassured. “Uh Zar,” Renee popped her head in the room, “your boyfriend is outside waiting. Aiden is asleep so he can’t come in.”

The seamstress nodded and dropped her head into her hands. “Thank you, tell him I’ll be out in a second.”

The actress glanced at Melanie who nodded, letting her know she could handle this. Melanie watched Renee leave her attention moving to her partner’s groan. “I’m so stupid. I’ve ruined the whole day and we haven’t even left yet. Maybe I should just let them go and have fun together,” she reasoned. “Nah. You’re getting on that plane if I have to carry you myself. Your kindergartener is going to a whole new continent for the first time with a father he just met. You cannot leave him alone in this. He needs you.”

Melanie packed away the tools Zari had pulled out. She grabbed her best friend's bag and held it out. “Chop chop, lets go.” The mother stood and grabbed the bag. “I’m making the right decision right?”

“I honestly don’t know, but if it’s not the right one, it’s a damn good one.” Melanie pushed her through the backstage corridors and out onto the front stairs of the theatre. T’Challa stood at the bottom of the stairs, a sleeping Aiden on his shoulders. His body visibly relaxed once he realized Zari was safe. The seamstress pulled her best friend in for a final hug, guilt settling in her stomach when she realized how worried T’Challa must’ve been. For the first time he’d had to get Aiden together alone and figure out where his girlfriend had disappeared too. When she popped down the final step, T’Challa pulled her into a hug. “Please don’t do that. I thought I’d lost you again, and my heart cannot take that.” Zari nodded into the embrace,” I’m so sorry,” she sniffed. “I put your bags in the car if you’re okay with leaving from here, we can talk on the plane.” The father explained.

The younger couple looked up as clapping rained down, “KISS kiss,” someone chanted and soon the whole crowd joined in. All the actors, dancers, and crew stood on the theatre steps laughing. Most still in their coats suggesting they never made it into the building. T’Challa pecked Zari’s lips and the whooping intensified. “Don't you people have jobs?,” Zari yelled and some people chuckled. “Okay back to work, you’re all officially late,” Lin called, corralling the now moaning group into the theatre. “Be safe,” he called over his shoulder. Melanie threw in one final wave before she too headed inside.

“I’m sorry again, I didn’t mean to worry you,” Zari repeated and the king nodded. “I know, but with our history, you disappearing when you need space without telling me, it’s not going to work. My heart will stop every time guaranteed.” T’Challa strapped Aiden into his seat before opening the door for Zari to get in. He followed suit and the driver pulled away from the curb. “I was not thinking,” Zari started explaining, “I just needed to get out of the house.”

“Is going home still bothering you? We can postpone the trip, head to a different location instead?”

“No you and Aiden have been so excited about this trip. That’s why I didn’t say anything. I don’t wanna ruin the trip with my irrational fears.”

“They aren’t irrational Zari. They are not random, and they are not unfounded. You were taken from your home in the middle of the night, sent to a new continent and country, then gave birth to your son alone at 18. Who would not be nervous to go back home?”

“How are you so calm about this? I feel like I’m close to coming undone every moment I spend thinking about it.”

The king sighed, “I am afraid too, but I choose to focus on Aiden. He’s gonna meet my mother, see where I grow up, and see a place where he will spend time growing up. Is there not one thing you ever wished you could’ve done with him?”

“When I was young, mama used to take me to the cliffs and lull me to sleep singing lullabies into the air beyond the edge and it would echo back up. I always said I’d do the same for my children,” a smile etched its way into Zari’s features. The king grinned, “So grab onto that image and hold it. When you feel like running away on this trip, hold onto that goal as your safe place. Imagine yourself at the falls singing our son to sleep.”

“And breathe,” Zari grabbed the King’s hand, “yes-“ he grinned, “don’t forget to breathe.”

****

“What is your happy place?” Zari asked as the jet cruised over the Atlantic Ocean.

“Huh,” the king turned to face the mother of his son. “The falls are the memory that keeps me from running, what keeps you here? Safe from the panic attacks we are prone to?”

“You are going to laugh,” the king chuckled. “I’ll do my best not to,” Zari promised leaning into his shoulder. “Do you remember the winter formal senior year?”

Zari nodded, “My mom was so worried when we decided to wear white. She was convinced people would think we looked like one of those American wedding movies. Like we were making a statement,” Zari chuckled. The king nodded and pulled her closer on the long seat, “I know we weren’t making a statement at first. But by the end of that night I was. I knew what I wanted, and when you went missing, that picture became my safe place. When I thought I’d never see you again, I used to imagine that it was our wedding photo. That was my happy place, it still is.”

Butterflies erupted in Zari’s stomach and she let a smile stretch over her face, “You play your cards right, you might now have to imagine much longer,” she grinned and laughed at the shocked expression on T’Challa’s face. A few hours later T’Challa excused himself to wake Aiden and get him ready as the ship neared Wakandan airspace. Zari twisted her fingers together as she stood and walked closer to the cockpit. She’d never seen her home country from the outside. The ship headed towards a grove of trees and broke through the country’s barrier. Her anxiety levels dropped as the familiar scene of the border tribe villages came into view. Children ran chasing the jet and waved desperately. Zari waved back as best as she could before the aircraft zoomed out of their sight. The city unfurled in front of the ship and the pilot set her sights on their destination. Zari took a deep breath when the jet passed her neighborhood and slowed to make its descent over the castle.

“Woah, Baba this is where you live?” Aiden ran past his mother and pressed his face to the glass. “Don’t put your mouth on the glass Aiden,” Zari gently reprimanded. The boy leaned back, but his eyes stayed glued to the castle as they landed on the tarmac.

“Are you alright?”

Zari nodded. “I just need a second.” The king nodded and kissed her forehead. They stood together watching their son ramble excitedly about everything he was seeing. T’Challa pulled his love into his arms and she rested her head on his chest.

****

“What is taking him so long?” Shuri leaned over to ask her mother. The jet had been sitting on the tarmac for ten minutes now. The luggage had been unloaded and even the pilot had disembarked. Ramonda sighed. She had not told her daughter what she and her son had learned that led him to leave so abruptly. She herself was not sure of how to feel about the bits and pieces that she knew, and during this period of grieving any reason to be upset with her father, or his legacy, is not what Shuri needed.

Quite frankly, Ramonda had no idea what was keeping her son. She had a sliver of hope that he had found Zari and their son, but a lot could change in five years and that sweet girl could want absolutely nothing to do with their family, and no one could blame her.

“Who is that?” Shuri’s question interrupted the Queen’s thoughts. She pulled the gaze she was not aware had drifted, back to the ship and felt tears burn her eyes. She recognized the young woman walking down the stairs beside her son and the child he was holding in his arms. “He went on a rescue mission?” Shuri’s second question also went unanswered as the queen abruptly ran towards the young woman to pull her into a hug. Tears rolled down Ramonda’s cheeks. Zari felt herself relax into the familiar embrace and fought her own tears. “Oh my love I am so sorry,” the queen apologized, pulling back to look her in the eyes. “You knew,” Zari frowned, getting ready to pull away, but Ramonda held firm. “I found out when T’Challa did, but unlike him,” she glanced at her son,” I stayed and tried to piece together what happened before heading out into the unknown. Fury blazing,” the queen raised and eyebrow in his direction and he gulped, setting down Aiden who had begun to wriggle in his hold. “I realize the error of my ways now,” the king replied, running his hands together. “I am sure you do,” his mother hummed before pulling Zari into another hug. “I am so glad you are here sweet girl,” Ramonda sighed gently cupping Zari’s cheek and the woman nodded. “I cannot say that I was not a little apprehensive. I thought you all would hate me.”

“If it is any consolation,” the queen let her hand drop to squeeze Zari’s, “I was afraid you would hate us,” she admitted.

“It was not your fault. I always understood that,” Zari reassured. Ramonda sighed and squeezed her hand. “We will talk later. Catch up.”

The older woman’s regal gaze turned to Aiden,“ And you must be Aiden?” She grinned. The kindergartener nodded and latched onto his mother’s leg. “Aiden,” his father started, “this is your grandmother or umakhulu. She is my mother or umama,” the king explained gently pulling his son away from his mother and bringing him closer to his grandmother. “May I have a hug?” Ramonda opened her arms and the kindergartener giggled and obliged. “I always wanted a grandma,” he revealed when Ramonda settled him on her hips. “What a coincidence, I have always wanted a grandson!”

The two broke into giggles before she set him back on the ground. “Is that Shuri?” Zari asked, nodding towards the teen who stood at the end of the tarmac watching the reunion. “Yes, my baby girl is all grownup . She’ll graduate this year to head off to university.”

“She’s only what sixteen?” Zari asked then grinned, “She must be smarter than you,” Zari teased the king. “Yeah yeah,” he waved away. He and his mother lead the two over to Shuri. Zari raised both palms in a formal greeting and curtsied. “Princess,” Zari smiled. Shuri bowed her head in acknowledgment but the confusion never left her face. “Shuri, this is Zari, my girlfriend. She was around a lot when you were younger but she went missing five years ago. And our son, Aiden.” The little boy waved back when the teenager waved at him. “Hello, I apologize I don’t remember much, and I do not understand,” she shook her head looking back between her mother, brother, nephew and sister in law she guessed. Zari nodded as the Queen spoke, “That is more than understandable. Why don’t we all sit down for a late lunch, we have much to discuss.” Ramonda ushered everyone inside to the dining hall. Aiden walked along with his aunt and grandmother as his parents trailed behind.

“Everything looks the same,” Zari noted as they walked. “I have not had the heart to make any changes since he passed. We were in the process of cleaning out his office when I came to find you.”

“Will you take his office? I assume you have one of your own?” You were so excited to re-decorate it after graduation. We were to go shopping together,” Zari reminisced.

“I am not sure, I will probably just keep my own. I do not want to be in any space that was his right now,” the king sighed. Zari frowned and bit her lip, “What is troubling you?” T’Challa stopped walking and grabbed her hands.

“I hate to think that my situation has driven a wedge between you and your father after his death. You should only be having good thoughts right now.”

“Zar, none of this is your fault. He made the decision to keep my son from me. Intentionally. I just need time to come to terms with that. My own father kept me from being present in my first born’s life.” The king frowned, “He brought this on himself. It is just hard because I will never get to ask him why.” The designer nodded and the couple continued walking both deep in thought.

“You may all be dismissed,” Ramonda smiled as she carried in the family’s lunch. With some hesitation and additional reassurance, the queen walked all of the servants out of the dining room before shutting the door and moving her family into the informal dining room. Quickly shutting those doors as well. “Sometimes I swear they forget I did have a life outside of this palace before I married your father. I can serve a simple lunch,” the queen muttered before heading back over to the table. “They just want to help mama,” T’Challa laughed as the woman huffed. “I know, but I am tired of everyone following me around like I am an invalid anytime I want to do something myself. I lost a husband, not an arm!” The queen placed the last plate in front of Aiden before settling into her own seat and taking a deep breath. “And as much as those two things hurt, I will be fine,” she looked up at her children’s frowns and Zari’s sad smile. She reached over and grabbed both T’Challa and Shuri’s hands. “I will be fine,” she reassured, “Besides, soon enough I will be moving out anyway. To make room for the next royal couple to start,” she smirked and glanced down at Aiden, “or finish making their own family.”

T’Challa frowned and went to speak before his mother cut him off, “you cannot change my mind T’Challa. You and Zari, or whomever you marry need space to be young and in love without your mother being here to hear every second of it. Your grandparents moved out for your father and I. I shall do the same. Shuri may do whatever she so chooses, but we do not need to worry about that matter for the moment. Zari, Aiden, you must be starved. Why don’t we all eat.”

“Aiden, finish your vegetables, not just the fruit,” Zari reminded as her son pushed around the food on his plate. Reluctantly he finished the portions left and his mom smiled down at him. “So, Zari,” Ramonda started, “I know very little about the circumstances involving your disappearance just that you were pregnant, graduated, lived in New York City, and that my husband orchestrated the whole thing.”

“What? Baba would never-“ Shuri started. “Shuri,” her brother interrupted her and shook his head. He gestured for Zari to start and the woman offered the princess a sad smile, but the teen only turned her hurt expression the other way. “Umm, is there somewhere Aiden could go? I don’t want him hearing this,” the mother whispered to the king who excused himself and the little boy, “Let’s go see if you can help the chef make dinner,” he pulled Aiden up into his arms and they headed to the kitchen attached to the dining room. The three women sat in awkward silence as Shuri avoided looking at the guest. “Are you still into biology? It was your favorite thing to talk about when you were younger-“

“I know. I was there,” Shuri glanced at Zari. “Shuri Udaku,” Ramonda hissed and Zari shook her head letting the Queen know it was fine. She understood, she’d anticipated this reaction from both her and Ramonda. She wouldn’t want to accept that her father had done something like this either. The teen sighed, “My favorite area of study is biochemistry. So yes and no, but I plan to minor in physics in university.”

Zari nodded, surprised to get so much information. T’Challa returned Aiden less and the room descended into quiet once more. “Well, as you know,” Zari started. “I was pregnant with Aiden and I had planned to tell T’Challa after brunch the next morning. The day before, I had run into the king leaving the doctor appointment that had confirmed I was expecting. Somehow the king knew as well and told me congratulations when he spotted me in the hall of the hospital. When I confirmed the news reluctantly, he,” Zari paused dreading continuing her story, “he said that I should not tell T’Challa because he needed no hindrance in becoming king. When I said that I refused to keep this from you, he offered me a private abortion that he would pay for. Again I refused and told him that you deserved to know about your child. He finally agreed and I thought that the matter was settled. Until that night. Some guards showed up at my house and took me and Isha from our parent’s home. We were driven to some building way off of the road and outside of the city. From there I was put on a plane, and I do not know what happened to Isha. I woke up in New York City and was told that the king had found me a war dog doctor, a house, and offered me the choice of any institution in the city all expenses covered. I had Aiden and now we’re here.” Zari sighed and glanced at everyone’s faces. Each seemed to be lost in their own world. T’Challa and the Queen seemed to be reflecting on some experience, while silent angry tears trickled down Shuri’s face.

“I hate to, but I must,” Ramonda broke everyone’s focus, “I saw that he sent you monthly allowances for Aiden, what did you do with that?”

“I put it in a college fund for Aiden and have never touched any of it. Initially I sent the checks back, until the king wrote and wished that I would

allow him to provide for his grandson.” The queen nodded but the king’s jaw clenched, “That should have been me providing,” he mumbled. Zari nodded sadly, taking his hand in hers. The teen glanced at their intertwined hands and stormed out of the room. Zari watched her go sadly feeling like she’d been kicked in the gut. Shuri had been like the little sister she’d never had, and she’d loved every second of it. Now the young woman hated her.

“She will come around,” Ramonda grabbed Zari’s freehand, “This news is hard for all of us”

“I know I just wish I did not have to be the one to bear it. I wish his majesty was here to explain himself. The last thing I want is for you all to be angry with him during this period of mourning.”

“If I know my husband like I feel I do, he’d be glad that this family is being put back together in his absence. Bast rest his soul, he was ‘image over everything’ but these past few years, that had started to shift slightly. Who's to say whether or not he would ever have been honest and told us. But I’m sure he is glad that we are doing this. You needed closure too and T’Challa needed his son.”

“I will go check on Shuri,” T’Challa kissed Zari, then his mother’s forehead before following his younger sister out of the room. “I should probably go check on Aiden.” Zari stood and the queen followed. “Help me with these dishes and we’ll both go check on him. We should probably take a walk too, give Shuri and T’Challa some space.”

“Can we go to the falls? It is almost his nap time and I’ve always wanted to sing him to sleep by the falls. My mother used to do that with me.”

Ramonda grinned and hooked her arm through Zari’s. “That sounds lovely, I’ll teach you some that I know.”

****

“Shuri why are you acting like this?” The king huffed as he walked into her lab. “Why am I acting like this?” The teen exclaimed moving from behind her desk to face him, “Why are you and mama acting like this! You truly believe the word of this stranger? You believe that baba practically threw her out of Wakanda for being pregnant with your son? Even if baba threw her out, are you sure it is not because the boy is not yours? She could’ve been spreading her legs for-“

“That is enough!” T’Challa slammed his palm on the table, interrupting Shuri’s rambling. I get that you are upset and hurting. For Bast sake, I am hurt by everything too Shuri! But I will not allow you to degrade my girlfriend and the mother of my son!”

“Alleged son!” The scientist shot back.

“He is mine! And you will respect him and Zari as members of this family!” The king roared and the princess walked back around and took a seat, staring at him coldly as she gathered her thoughts. “All I am saying is that baba had to have a reason. The only one I can think of is that the baby was not yours and she was trying to pin it on you. You need to get a paternity test or I will do one,” Shuri threatened before walking away deeper into the lab. “Shuri do not touch my son!” He called after her.

The king ran a hand over his face before returning to his office. He contemplated all of his options and sighed as Shuri’s logic got the better of him. He didn’t want to believe it, but he also did not want to believe that his father could send Zari away. With his mind made up he glanced at the clock realizing he’d missed dinner. He walked up to his old bedroom where he’d had Aiden’s stuff taken and as expected he found his girlfriend maneuvering his sleeping form into some pajamas. He watched for a few moments before noticing her struggling to get the shirt over his head. “Would you like some help?” He whispered moving closer. Zari smiled up at him tiredly and they moved together to finally pull the shirt over the kindergartener’s head. They tucked him under the covers and Zari traced the outline of his head and face. “You gave my baby your big ass head and ears,” Zari chuckled, and the king playfully bumped her shoulder. “Let’s take a walk,” he grabbed her hand before kissing his son’s forehead, dreading the conversation he was about to start. The couple wandered out into the garden where the breeze and moonlight swept across their faces.

“How was your talk with Shuri?” Zari broke the silence as they waved at a guard stationed in the garden. The king stared off in the distance, “Not well,” he finally admitted and watched his girlfriend’s face fall. He loved how close she and Shuri used to be, and he knew that it was hurting her that her “mini me” was being so hostile. “She is just hurting right now. Baba just passed and now she’s learning an ugly truth so she’s lashing out. You know that it is nothing personal against you.”

“I understand. Does not make it hurt less. Does she think I am lying?”

“Partially, she believes that Aiden is not mine,”the king started. “Oh,” Zari offered as they continued on. “She’s trying to find a good reason to explain why our father would have sent you away, and that’s what she came up with.”

“Well as long as you and your mother know, she’ll come around eventually right?” Zari glanced up at the king. Dread filling her stomach when the king didn’t immediately agree. Anticipating her next move T’Challa squeezed her hand tighter to keep her from running. “She wants us to do a paternity test and I can only assume the council of elders is going to want one as well so-“

Zari pushed down the embarrassment and anger that flooded her system, “No T’Challa. Because if you did not want this, you would find a way around it. So do you want the paternity test too?”

The king gulped then nodded, “I do,” his heart shattered as he watched Zari come apart on the inside through her eyes. She snatched her hand back and took a few steps away, “So all of this time. This past month, you did not trust me? You didn’t believe Aiden was yours?”

“Zar-“

“No! Because I did not ask you to come. I did not ask you to fly to America, come get us, and ‘save us’. I did not ask you to play savior! You did that! You found the letters! You found the picture! You saw it and “just knew” T’Challa. You stood in my townhome and told me that you saw the Photo of Aiden and you knew he was your son! For fucks sake even your mother saw the photo and knew. Now a month later you wanna come out and ask for a paternity test? Now that Aiden has gotten attached to you?!”

“Are you saying that he is not my son Zari!”

“That is all you took from-“ the woman threw her hands up and walked away. “Un-fucking-believable,” she muttered as she stomped up the stairs onto the palace patio. “Zari wait, is he or is not my son,” the king grabbed her arm and turned her around. Tears were streaming down her face by this point and she furiously wiped them off, “He is your son T’Challa. I was with no one before you and no one since. Don’t fucking touch me your majesty,” Zari pushed his hands off of her arms and the king nodded. “Then if you have nothing to hide Zari, why are you so against this test?”

“I am not against the test T’Challa! I am offended that you do not trust me!”

“I do trust yo-“

“No you don’t T’Challa. If you did you would not have had the audacity to ask me for this test when you were there the night he was conceived. The condom broke and we were both terrified. You told me you would be there for anything! Now you’re sitting up here asking me for a test like I was with multiple men at 18! You know you were the only one! I was never like that! So excuse me if I’m hurt and offended that me man I love, the man I thought loved me, asked me for a fucking paternity test on a child that we both know is his!” Zari yelled as she walked back inside the palace.

“Lower your voice Zari,” the king grit as he followed her into the palace to their room. The couple stormed into their room and the mother went immediately to where her clothes had been hung up and folded into the closet. Her hands move furiously grabbing everything she can and stuffing it back into her suitcase. “Zari what are you doing? Look I’m sorry Zar. I shouldn’t have asked. It was uncalled for.”

“You’re damn right,” she muttered, zipping the haphazardly repacked suitcase. “But I’ll give you the stupid test, because the last thing I need is for you or anyone else questioning Aiden’s parentage down the line. But as far as I am concerned,” Zari slammed her bag down on the ground and grabbed her toiletries and purse in her arms, “this is over. We can co-parent your majesty, but I cannot, I will not, be with a man who chooses his 16 year old sister's wishes over mine. Especially when the evidence is right there in front of his face. She is a child! I am the one who put all of my trust on the line again with you, and it took you three weeks. Three weeks to break it T’Challa. And this time, it really was your fault.” Zari grabbed her bag and began wheeling it out of the room and down the hall, peeking in doors to find a guest bedroom.

“Zari wait! Please come back,” the king hurried after her.

“And since you believe so strongly that Aiden isn’t yours, stay away from my son until that positive test comes back!” She hissed in response.

“Look Zari, I am so sorry. I’ll sleep on the couch or the floor or something. You can have the bed. Just come back to the room.”

Zari found the first open room and walked in tossing her things on the bed, “I think we both need some space right now. Just leave me alone.” She turned to face the king who had tears rolling down his face. “Then I am sleeping in here on the floor,” he walked over to the closet and grabbed an extra set of sheets and began making a bed on the floor. “T’Challa,” Zari sighed. “Just sleep in your own bed.”

“No I lost you once, I’m not leaving your side again.” He grabbed the two spare pillows and made himself comfortable on the floor. “Fine,” Zari tossed up her hands, unpacked, and went into the bathroom to change for bed. “Goodnight,” she murmured as she passed the king on his makeshift bed. “Goodnight” he replied as she closed her eyes and emotional exhaustion led her off to sleep.

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

Text

1006

(found at xxbieberburnham)

“The rest of your life”

Are you independent or dependent? Dependent as all hell. I’ll put my foot down on very certain things, but most of the time I prefer hearing input or suggestions from people I trust. I definitely think it’s something I still have to work on because I know I’ll have to be mostly independent at some point.

If you could put your life into a category, where would it go? I feel like this would be easier to answer if you gave a list of categories. I don’t know what kind of insight you’re looking for.

How many animals do you have? I have two, but I call them pets.

Are you popular? Idk and I don’t care. All I know is I don’t actively seek to be so.

What time were you born? 9:11 in the evening.

Have you had any candy this week? Yeah, I had a gummy worm this morning. Mom bought a box of Halloween-themed sweets and there were cupcakes had gummy worms on them alongside marshmallows designed to look like a tombstone.

Are you more afraid of tornadoes or hurricanes? Hurricanes are terrifying, but I’m used to them. We don’t get tornadoes at all so I’ll not only be unprepared for those, but would definitely be more afraid of them too.

Do you like those nerd glasses? Sure, I still think they’re cute and look good on people but I never called them nerd glasses lol. Mine are kinda shaped like one.

Have you ever been in a fist fight? Nah, I’d be wiped out pretty fast.

What color is your house? A light shade of beige.

When was the last time you saw a rainbow? More than a year ago, I’m sure. It was during our ride back home from a journalism workshop, which if I remember correctly was all the way in Cavite. Goddamn we traveled a lot for those workshops.

Have you ever ate a crayon? I’ve never bitten off a piece but I’m not ruling out at least licking.

Ever rode in a helicopter? Nope. Would love to.

Do you like rabbits? Sure.

Do you like mushrooms? For the most part I don’t even think they taste like anything, so I never really had a problem with mushrooms.

“It’s like you step into the room and just press play”

What was the last movie you cried at? That Thing Called Tadhana. I had watched it five years ago after my first breakup; I got to go to Sagada shortly after that breakup, so that movie was actually very therapeutic for me at the time because it allowed me to release my feelings the way Mace did, also in Sagada. Now I’m stuck at home and can’t travel and that movie just hurt too much to finish.

What ice cream flavor best describes your personality? I don’t really...pair ice cream flavors with types of personalities.

Would you rather work for a small or large company? Large, because I feel like I’d be challenged more in those and thus learn more. Also it just looks nicer on resumés, if I’m being honest. Smaller companies are ok too but I prefer those that already have a rep for churning excellent results and having a good track record for workplace culture, like the company I’m currently working with.

Where's your favorite place to buy clothes? Ukays. I used to not like them, but my mom and sister did a great job reeling me in and making me see the appeal.

How many languages do you speak? Two.

What was the worst movie you've ever seen? Me Before You was such a waste of my time. Predictable, cheesy, and typical asshole-guy-softens-up-over-time-oh-and-just-as-you-start-to-root-for-him-we’re-gonna-kill-him-off. But idk, I was with friends who were into movies like those and I wanted to support them, so I went along to watch.

What video game have you played the most? Cumulatively, pretty sure it’s Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas.

What was your favorite TV show as a child? I was a Nickelodeon girl and Spongebob, Fairly OddParents, and My Life as a Teenage Robot were my top 3, with Jimmy Neutron closely trailing at #4. I loved Disney shows too but wasn’t really able to appreciate them as much until I got a little older and could understand their humor better.

What's your favorite sport? My answer won’t change - if it counts, pro wrestling. If it doesn’t, my next favorite is table tennis.

If you were given a brand new yacht, what would you name it? Nothing creative is coming to me at the moment.

Do you believe there’s life on other planets? Yes. Maybe not the ones in our solar system, but those out in the distant universe for sure.

What was the worst place you ever traveled to? Can’t say I’ve truly disliked a particular place we’ve been to. I will say that Chinese people have a...culture that I’m not used to, and I did not enjoy touring with a bunch of them during my cruise. They had buffet habits that I would consider unhygienic, they would sit at the same table my mom and I were eating at if there were available seats(??????? imagine if I just sat beside you at a diner while you’re having lunch?), and apparently it’s acceptable for them to actually look you in the eyes and point directly at you if they’re talking about you with other people. It was honestly a lot to put up with for six days, and the only reason I didn’t lose my temper was because my dad works in the ship and I didn’t want to cause him any trouble.

What is one thing you’re really bad at? Making art.

Do you believe in angels? No. I like referring to my grandpa as my guardian angel, but I don’t actually believe in angels.

Would you rather be a famous actor or musician? I know I’m awful at either, but I’d much rather act.

“where have you been all my life?”

If you could have invented one thing, what would it have been? It’d be cool to come up with something that ends up being widely popular and/or beneficial to society, but do it accidentally; like how popsicles came to be. Imagine building a legacy from your own oopsie lmao sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

What's your favorite exercise workout? I don’t do workouts.

What's your favorite thing to do? Wow, very straightforward. Hmm these days I’m slowly inching back to wrestling, so I’ve been watching compilations and documentaries and doing some catching-up here and there. Lately I’d say that’s my favorite thing to do, but that can always change.

What did you do for your 17th birthday? Gab and I went to Pinto and she brought me to Filio after. Then I got back home to see what Athenna had done to my room while I was out, which was to cover the floor with balloons and the walls with printed photos of Zayn Malik.

Does your local Wal Mart have benches in them to rest? First, we’ll need to have local Wal-Mart stores here.

Was your favorite stuffed animal really a teddy bear growing up? I never liked stuffed animals, so I didn’t even have a teddy bear.

If your house was haunted, what would you do? Not fuck with the ghosts/spirits.

Are you crazy in love currently? Not crazily, but in love.

Are you good at swimming? I can tread and do several strokes, but I also tend to panic so I think that eliminates the concept of me being a good swimmer.

What's worse: Slow internet or slow walkers? Slow internet. I can get around slow walkers; but unless I have mobile data, slow internet is out of my control for the most part.

What is the rudest thing a guy has ever done to you? I can’t pick between whistling at me, catcalling me, lunging at me, or flirtatiously harass me in front of his friends while I was minding my goddamn business carrying a goddamn box of cake at the mall. Yeah, not a very big fan of men.

Do you sleep with the sheets tucked in or out? Out.

What do you do to fall asleep faster? Put on a YouTube video and let autoplay take over.

Do you carry a bottle of water wherever you go? Yeah I used to, until I lost it.

Ae you afraid that one day you might get cancer? The fear of the possibility is there, but it’s not predominantly in our family history and so I’m more afraid of other issues I have a higher chance of getting, like high blood pressure.

“Letters to Juliet”

Are you a fast or slow walker? Fast if I’m running errands, slow-ish if I’m out for leisure.

Do you usually have to wear a belt with your pants? No.

Does it bother you when people's underwear hangs out? Kinda. Even more when their crack decides to show up too.

Are you usually the person to try new things with your hair? No, I am one of the last people in line when it comes to that.

When's your birthday? April 21st.

Do you own a bobble-head toy? Nopes.

What color was the towel you used to dry off with today after a shower? Turquoise.

Has anyone ever walked you home? I’ve had someone drive me home. Walking isn’t really applicable here.

Have you ever liked someone and they were taken? That’s never happened to me.

When was the last time you went fishing? In my past life, maybe.

True or false: You've read the book Lord of the Flies? False.

Have you heard of the band Yellowcard? Yes.

Have you ever seen the show Teen Wolf? I’ve seen an episode and oh my god it was so boring.

Do you have any quotes, lyrics etc on your walls? I used to until my mom took it down while I was in school. I made it myself, so it stung.

Are you a fan of Star Wars? No.

“Our parents never let us cross the street, but we did it anyway”

Has anyone ever told you that you have nice hair? Whenever it was actually nice, yeah. It was never my best feature though.

What brand of camera do you own? I have...an iPhone, if it counts, ha. My old DSLR was a Nikon.

Is there something you're not looking forward to? The next day. Having to go through rounds of anxiety is not enjoyable.

Have you ever read the book Thirteen Reasons Why? Have not read the book nor seen the show, but have read enough of the premise to know I am not a fan.

Do you wear white pants? Sure, I have a pair of white jeans that I absolutely love.

When was the last time you were really angry? Yesterday. My sister and I were ordering KFC from a food delivery app and no driver was taking it because drivers in that company are notoriously picky bitches about their destinations. They kept canceling our orders and at some point I had enough and proposed that we just get Pizza Hut, this time straight from the Pizza Hut website, which has always worked out for us before. So Pizza Hut confirms the order, calls me up and says the ETA, so far so good. Around 15 minutes later the doorbell rings and it’s...KFC? With our original orders? Apparently that stupid ass app took our order anyway after repeatedly canceling it, and I never got one fucking notification that our order was received. Tried to cancel Pizza Hut but they said they had already started making the pizzas, so in the end we had to pay for both meals. I had never been so angry.

Have you ever made a 3 pointer in a basketball game? Hah, of course not. I’ve barely made one of those free throws that are worth one point.

Do you think you look better with your hair up or down? I’ve gotten more compliments whenever it’s up, so that must look better on me even if I personally don’t necessarily agree.

Do you warm up before you hardcore exercise? I don’t exercise, but isn’t warming up recommended anyway?

Do you want a pair of Converse shoes? Not really; I suppose they’re alright. It’s not my favorite brand in the world, but I wouldn’t turn down a free pair either.

Are you more of a studs or hoops type of person when it comes to earrings? Hoooooooooops for days.

How many shirts do you have of your favorite band? Just one. I’m not a band shirt person.

Turn on the TV. What channel are you on? There’s no TV in this room.

Have you ever wore a tie before? Yeah, as a kid my mom sometimes made me wear neckties. They made me SO uncomfortable I was having internal breakdowns about being seen in public. I was 7 years old. Neckties to me were a boy thing and I felt 0% boy; and so it gave me such serious dysphoria. It’s like making a boy wear a pink tutu even if he’s already visibly distressed. Whenever I told my mom I felt uncomfortable, she would just tell me it “looks good.” Jesus Christ. Why did no one ever drag my mom to a parenting seminar? Did no one seriously see the signs???

What did you have for breakfast this morning? Garlic rice, bacon strips, and glazed ham.

“For the Krusty Krab”

Are you good at art? Of course not.

How many times have you read your favorite book? I don’t have one.

Name one thing that you really hate. Raisins, on their own and incorporated in a dish.

Have you ever tried walking on stilts? I haven’t.

Is there a war that you find interesting? Eh, not really. So many of historical accounts are bombarded with war narratives as it is, and I’ve just never really found disputes or tensions among countries to be the most interesting part about history. Plus women were mostly absent, and that makes it even more boring.

Would you rather live in the city or country? City.

Do you think $7 is too much for a movie ticket? Not always. $7 or ₱350 is actually pretty reasonable if you wanna see a movie at an upscale mall; people who watch movies in places like that shouldn’t be complaining about movie tickets that cost that much. But all movie theaters are the same anyway - pitch black, freezing, comfy chairs - so I just go to midscale malls where tickets would be like a hundred bucks cheaper since it’s gonna give me the same experience anyway.

Would you like to be a newscast person? For a long time I thought I wanted to be one because that’s what my entire family was rooting me to become. Eventually I realized reading from a teleprompter, interviewing guests, and asking questions to reporters is not a career I want.

Do you like word searches, coloring or crosswords better? Word searches, then coloring, then crosswords.

Close your eyes and press a random key on the keyboard. U.

How many William’s do you know? I don’t think I know anyone. It’s too foreign-sounding a name.

What time did you wake up this morning? I woke up at around 6 AM, but I fell back asleep immediately and woke up again around 30 minutes later.

Do you enjoy crutches? ...No? That seems a little insensitive for people who actually need them.

What's better: Snapple or Arizona tea? Arizona. It’s because I’ve never had the Snapple one, but tbh Arizona is already pretty delicious anyway.

Make a word out of the word: Dinosaur. Round.

“she said I love this song, I’ve heard it before”

When you were younger, did you play with legos? Yes. I was never a creative kid, but I liked playing with them anyway.

Do you like Trix cereal? It was only my absolute favorite cereal as a kid, no biggie.

Do you get nervous easily? Ugh, yes. My parents asked me to get water containers from our local water station last Saturday and I literally had to allot like two hours to brace myself and make a script in my head. I constantly rehearse shit nearly every time I have to go out of the house.

How long is your Facebook password? I’m not sharing that.

Do you like the movie Mean Girls? No, I didn’t find it funny the first time and that made me uninterested in giving it a second chance.

How do you want your wedding to be? Big, grand. Lots of friends, lots of food. Not Catholic/Christian.

Have you seen the movie or show Catfish? Nope.

Do you hate it when you arrive to something early? Not usually. Being early is my goal in most situations, unless I’m headed to like a party.

Have you ever been on Omegle? A few times as a teenager.

Are you still in love with one of your exes? Yes. It’s not going away for a while.

Do you think it's attractive when guys wear beanies? I don’t necessarily seek out men with beanies lol but I don’t think it looks bad on them either.

What's something that makes you feel shy in public? Unfamiliar situations.

Do you like the shows on MTV? No.

If you could go back and relive one day, what day? That last Friday I was in school before the lockdown happened. If I knew what the next eight months were going to look like, I would’ve stayed much longer in school, dragged my friends out to drink, blew my money on food, had more fun basically.

What's one word you hate to be called? Exhausting. Like being told I’m exhausting to be with. How does that not hurt?

#survey #surveys

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writingwithcolor · 5 years ago

Text

British Bangladeshi Muslim 21 Year Old

I’m usually a lurker on this blog but, I’ve decided to send in a POC profile - mainly because it’s so rare for me to see someone like me represented in the media. In fact, I’m not certain I’ve ever seen someone Bangladeshi represented in mainstream media

Beauty Standards

Colourism is a very big thing still in the Bangladeshi community. My parent’s generation, despite liking to think that they’re very open minded still fall into the trap of the narrow minded view so present in the older generations. I’ve always fallen on the fairer side and as I grew up and developed mild iron deficiency, people would comment on how beautiful my skin was (and some people use the Bengali word for beautiful as being synonymous for fair), whilst my younger sister who is on the darker side but very rarely gets such comments.

Clothing

On a day to day basis, I wear casual English clothes or more casual Asian clothing around the house. But, for special occasions where I’m going to be with other Bengali people, I do tend to wear traditional clothing. Essentially, all the women in our house have two wardrobes; one with English clothes and one with Asian clothes. Although, nowadays, the English wardrobe seems to be growing more and more packed. A quick thing - traditional Asian clothes, especially those that are very flashy and embroidered, are heavy and so people don’t tend to wear them that often.

But - it differs between person to person. My mum wears English clothes around the home but her older sister wears a saree - a plainer saree but a saree none the less.

Culture

Culture is an odd one for me because I’ve never felt as if I belonged to either one. Growing up, I didn’t fit into the typical English stereotype because I wasn’t Caucasian and I grew up bilingual. I’d also hear all these bad things about Bangladesh, and the experiences others had around me would mould the opinion I had of a country my family still refer to as their motherland. But, as I’ve grown older and actually started to make opinions for myself, I’ve begun to accept that I can be a part of both, I don’t need to be one or the other.

Dating and Romance

In my family at least, ‘dating’ is done with the intention to marry. It all remains very chaste - with very little/no physical affection - until after marriage and almost all dates are with chaperones. The only ones that happen without chaperones are those in secret or those happening after the engagement. Nowadays, I feel like love marriages are the norm and most couples meet through being introduced by other people.

Food

Food is a big part of our culture. In fact, if you’re invited to someone’s house, or if you pop in for five minutes, it’s considered rude to not sit down and have a cup of tea or even to have an entire meal. Food is one of the ways that we show affection for each other and, especially for important days like Eid, food plays a central role. Eating a meal together on a festival day like Eid is one of the few days of the year when all the adults and all the children gather together and spend time together.

In my home at least, rice and curry is a staple. As Bangladesh is mainly riverine, fish is an important part of the diet. In fact, there’s a saying that if you can’t eat fish, you’re not really Bengali (which makes things a bit awkward for my uncle who is allergic to fish) and in some families there’s a tradition of a new bride cooking a fish curry on the second day of marriage. I’m not sure why, but it’s a thing.

Home/Family life/ Friendship

I could talk about family for ages …

My family is on the big side with my Mum being one of eight and my Dad being one of six. I’m one of three, but all of my cousins are considered like siblings - because we were raised as siblings. The familial bond is an important one and it’s often one that’s a burden to bear. For instance, as I’m the oldest granddaughter/niece/cousin I’m called affa by every cousin younger than me (Affa meaning older sister) and this burden is quite a heavy one to bear. It means that when the cousins experience any issues, they run to you to sort it out whether it’s something small or something big and it’s a burden I don’t mind shouldering. After all, it’s one I’ll likely have to carry for the rest of my life.

Everyone older than you is treated with respect - even if you don’t want to respect them at all. For some reason, it’s an important thing.

Friendship between Bengali girls is … something else. Often we’ll break off and have our own conversation in Bengali as if it’s some sort of secret code and this usually comes in extremely handy when discussing secret birthday party plans in front of the person whose birthday we’re planning. Personally, my parents have never been strict that I can’t have any male friends - I honestly don’t think they care but I know of other parents who insist that their daughters can’t have male friends.

Language

To me particularly, the language was an important thing. I grew up bilingual because my grandparents lived with us and they couldn’t communicate in English. But, I don’t remember ever making the effort to learn it - it was something I picked up. I certainly can’t read or write in Bengali but I can speak it. However, this ability doesn’t seem to have transferred to my sister and most of the younger cousins. Most of my younger cousins can’t speak Bengali and so struggle to communicate with our grandparents and it’s sad to say but this isn’t strange at all. Many of the new generation British Bangladeshi’s can’t speak the language and in fact, they don’t care to learn it because they don’t see it as being worth passing along.

Religion

As a Muslim woman, I find myself being constantly policed. Whether it’s by the media or by those around me. There seems to be a misconception that if a woman wears a hijab (the head covering) then she is the epitome of all things chaste and virtuous - but that’s not always the case. There are so many hijabis I know that don’t pray five times a day or keep their fasts or they drink etc. In fact, I’ve met a lot of muslim women who don’t wear hijab but their niyyah (intention) and their behaviour is inline with religion - my sister being an example.

The basic 5 pillars of islam, the first of which is the shahadah which is the declaration of faith. This is whispered by father’s into their children’s ears at birth and is the last thing whispered into someone’s ear as they pass away.

The daily prayers are the second - with 5 prayers throughout the day and this is something I know many people struggle with, but I personally think that faith is a personal thing - you alone know your struggles. If you are praying 5 times a day and you are ridiculing someone who only prays once, you may think you’re doing the right thing. But for all you know - that person who prays once a day may be someone who reverted to the faith (revert being what we call converts) and they may be on the road to accepting Islam. Your two minutes of ridicule may even turn someone else away from peace they were hoping to find in Islam.

Zakat is the third which refers to giving alms to the poor and this is often done in the month of Ramadan.

Fasting in Ramadan is the fourth pillar and during this month, Muslims fast from sun rise to sunset and we’re not allowed to drink or eat anything. (And yes - this includes water. Not even water? Is a question we always get)

The final pillar, the fifth refers to Hajj which is the yearly pilgrimage to Mecca. Everyone who is able to afford the trip and can make it, should complete it at least once in their lives. All my family who have been, have said that it is the most peaceful time they’ve ever spent in their lives.

Things I’d like to see less of…

Muslim girls being ‘repressed’ by wearing the hijab and having a curfew and being secretly rebellious once they leave the home.

Yes, I have a curfew but mostly it’s because my parent’s are terrified after hearing of all the stabbings and the acid attacks that happen to hijab wearing Muslim women

The overly strict father figure who is unreasonable and adores sons over his daughters.

My father was on the strict side yes, but I realise now, after growing up and talking to him that it was all shaped on his own experiences. Yes, he might not have let me play in the streets until late like other kids but it was because when he was young, if he stayed out too late the racist teens would approach the Bengali children and attack them. My father was strict, but in the way that other parents in his position will be. (If anything, my mother is stricter … and the worst thing she does is text me a list of chores that she wants me to do whilst she’s at work)

That brings me onto the next point; the mother who stays at home being uneducated and relying on her husband for everything.

There’s nothing wrong with that - but the issue comes when this character is used to put down Bengali women, to try and show how much better Caucasian educated women are.

Another thing I absolutely can’t stand is the idea of a Bengali girl falling for some plain, boring Caucasian boy and he removes the wool from over her eyes, teaching her how repressed she was and how she should embrace this Western lifestyle. When a boy tried that on me in my first year of uni, I walked away from him the moment he told me that he has a hijab kink because Muslim girls are and I quote ‘untouched and I can teach them everything’.

Things I’d like to see more of…

Supportive family units.

Whilst I might fall out with my parents every now and then, as is natural, they still support me. My father and I often head out for little ice cream cafe dates and my mother is teaching me to cook (although her cooking style tends to be put enough of this in and enough of that - there’s no measurements of anything) and my siblings and cousins and I gather as a whole every weekend. Those of us that live close enough to anyway. The 20+ of us that do gather, take over a house and all between the ages of 21 and 5 tend to be unruly and can go crazy but it’s a dynamic no one seems to want to represent.

The educated hijabi.

Goodness, I can’t stand seeing the trope of a girl wanting to marry and pop out babies and etc - yes, it’s a valid trope but again, so many people use it to show how backwards we are. My eyes are even rolling now - Bengali Muslim girls are amongst some of the most driven people I have met and this is usually because the older women in our families weren’t given these opportunities and most people instantly assume that we’re not going to get far.

Casual mentions of Islam - religion is a big part of a character.

But I hate it being a controversial thing especially since Islam literally translates to ‘peace gained through submission to Allah’ and newsflash, Allah is the arabic word for God. That’s it. Why can’t we have characters who have to be home before sunset because they need to pray? Or hijabis needing to go shopping for a new headscarf or even phrases like 'this top would be so cute if it weren’t see through’ or 'if only this dress was floor length and then I wouldn’t have to wear leggings with it. I hate having to wear leggings in the heat’. These are things I regularly say!

Wooow, this is long and I kind of ended up rambling. But I hope it helps someone!

Read more POC Profiles here or submit your own.

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scattered--pages · 5 years ago

Note

For the Lukanette lyrical prompt: "And I'm damned if I do and I'm damned if I don't/So here's to drinks in the dark at the end of my road/And I'm ready to suffer and I'm ready to hope/It's a shot in the dark and right at my throat", cause Florence is love

Notes: Ummm, so, I love you?! Because Florence really is love and omg this song ♡ Thank you heaps for this prompt, dear!!

Send me lyrics as a prompt for a Lukanette ficlet or a drabble? ♡

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Shake It Out

Rating: Teen+

Word count: 2759 (okay, whoops, this ended up being longer than I planned ♡)

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About a year and a half has passed since Marinette has received the humbling, but painfully difficult task of being the Guardian of all the Miraculous. It was a role that was exhilarating, beyond exciting, a chance to grow like none other before and it ended up brining far more positive things along than she thought it ever would. However – after a very good start and after almost a year of handling everything somewhat well, Marinette got tired. Stressed. And afraid. And so, this also brought far more negative effects in ways she didn’t really even imagine initially.

Of course, the ever-rising thought of her making a wrong mistake, a bad choice, a slip-up with consequences far too grave and any or all of these resulting in the doom of entire Paris or the fate of the Miraculous, but the consequences she failed to predict were the ones affecting her personal life. Marinette’s life, not that of Ladybug.

And there were truly moments where the line between the two faded. Where she was suddenly skipping school or being late so much and so often that it reached the level where the principle had to alert her parents and she almost got expelled, all the while being horrified and desperate in finding ways to justify her actions because, of course, she couldn’t say the truth. She could never say the truth about this. Or the time when each new threat arising in the city due to the re-empowered Hawkmoth/Mayura team started suddenly bubbling up so much internal pressure for her that she was forced to find a way to first deal with her own genuine, painful and terrifying panic attacks before she could transform and deal with the actual attack taking place outside.

Or when the more outspoken and brave Ladybug overtook the typical ‘Marinette’ in certain situations of extreme emotional hurt or vulnerability, causing her to distance herself from a few friends of hers due to her growing either too withdrawn from them or, on the other side of this spectrum, to lash out suddenly in select moments of jealousy or even slight anger. Being a Miraculous Guardian at the tender age of now 16 was insanely challenging to say the least and even though this fact only started to truly catch up with her recently, it affected both her and those around her enough to cause an overwhelming amount of worry, anger and frustration from all sides. Except from one person.

And as she paced along the Seine nervously, back and fort, during what was supposed to be a calming walk for her, in her civilian form, this particular calming voice was what snapped her back from her over-thinking mind back to reality.

“Marinette?”

She jumped a bit, even though the voice didn’t really startle or scare her, as much as it simply surprised her.

“Luka? Wh-What are you doing here?”, she wrapped her arms around her, suddenly aware of the slight chill outside, her cardigan far too thin for an early spring evening by the river such as this one.

He smiled a sad, worried smile at this and proceeded to take his jacket off. “My home is right there, remember?”, he teased gently, nodding towards a boat a bit more downstream along the river’s flow as he pulled his jacket around her.

“Oh…!”, Marinette followed the direction with her gaze and her jaw dropped slightly. She didn’t realize she managed to pace back and forth and here and there for so long and so out of focus of reality that she managed to reach all the way to here without even realizing it. “But, n-no, no!”, she attempted to slowly shrug the jacket off, “You’re going to freeze!”, her hands reached to get it off and hand it back to Luka but by placing both of his won hands against her shoulders carefully but firmly with a teasing smile, he made any attempts of detaching said jacket from her body near impossible, to which she even frowned slightly, causing him to instantly chuckle and shake his head.

“I’ll be fine, even without the jacket, I’m wearing a sweater that’s even slightly too warm for my taste, and I’ll honestly feel worse if you freeze when I can do something to help that.”

She exhaled, her expression suddenly that of sorrowful, almost guilty confusion.

“Why are you still putting up with me?”

He simply shrugged, the playful hold on her shoulders easing as he stroke them with his thumbs gently. “Because I care. Because a lot of people care about you and it breaks my heart that you seem to not believe that.”

Her expression now remained the same, as well as the emotions it carried, save for the sad smile that she added to it slowly, her head tilting to the side a bit.

“Except, a) I’ve been horrible to everyone and about pretty much everything lately and b)…”, her gaze flickered to the side a few times, cheekbones reddening in a way that made her grateful for the fact that the streetlight reflecting from the water’s clear surface wasn’t that strong of a light source at all, “… you care about me… differently…”

“You know…”, Luka now returned her sad smile, only it carried a different background entirely, his eyes drifting to the floor while he started to slowly let go of her, “I’m an idiot because I… don’t think I even really asked you if you minded that…” He prepared to step back but, within a second, Marinette’s hands were on his, keeping them in place.

“No, no!”, she was surprised by how quickly and confidently she said that, but a much as it made her face feel like it was completely burning now, she didn’t take it back. “Luka, you… Know I dont.”

And true, he had a reason to believe so. They weren’t in a relationship or anything like that yet, like Kagami and Adrien or Nino and Alya were, not officially, but they were spending majority of their time together, in their civilian forms and, of course, unbeknownst to them, in their Miraculous forms as well. More than that, they grew incredibly close quite fast. To the point that now, almost a year since Marinette made a point to get over Adrien, Adrien was just a friend and an occasional fleeting painful sting at her heart, but the majority of her affection and her emotions were now finally allowed to belong to Luka. To the point that they have already had a couple of brief moments of weakness resulting in a kiss, but nothing more was said or done. And because of the latter fact, because it was nothing more, Luka didn’t dare to be convinced that this was a confirmation of anything or to push or prod, but this time, he felt he needed to push slightly in the opposite direction in order to prevent himself from pushing on in this one.

Still, even after her hands gripped his and she, very determinately, kept him close to her, he didn’t know how to react, instead only staying still for a second, followed up by a barely noticeable quiver of his lower lip as he opened his mouth to speak but found himself unable to. She noticed though.

Her broken smile widened slightly. “I’m… being selfish, actually. There’s this… someone, erm…”, she shook her head, trying desperately to remain as vague as possible, “ …something, taking over my life and my composure a lot for awhile now, very incresingly so, and vou’re the only thing keeping me grounded and sane lately and… always have been one of the few people making me feel safe and sure of myself and, at least due to this, I really don’t want to let you go…”

What she said was a partial lie, but for once, he didn’t catch it.

“So it’s…”, he took a breath and nodded firmly, more as a way to keep himself strong than anything else, “… just because of that…” Suddenly he made sure to quickly continue, “And I want you to know it’s perfectly fine if it is, I’ll still be your fr-”

“No…” It escaped Marinette’s lips without her control. But once again, she didn’t regret it or take it back. This newly found courage paired with an impaired capability of hiding her feelings at least had some good uses, it seemed. “No, it’s not just that.”

Stunned yet again, Luka stayed silent, looking back into her eyes, running her words in his head over and over again to make sure he understood them right this time until a melody reached them, played from a near-by cafe, catching his attention.

And when he looked back at her, he smiled again.

“That… something, that’s keeping you down… You never told me everything, so I’m sorry if I don’t always manage to make you feel better as best as I could…”, she was already prepared to counter him on this immediately, but he simply placed a finger against her lips, “… but there’s something I haven’t tried yet.”

Against his touch, her lips formed a small puzzled frown, which was a vision so beautiful and adorable to him that he could have kissed her right then and there and never let her go.

“You know, one of the best ways to get rid of a lot of negative emotions, expectations or fears…”, letting go of her, he moved away slightly and outstretched one of his hands, “…is dancing.” He cocked his head to the side, asking a question without words.

“Oh, nooo, n-no, no, no… I don’t dance, or to be more precise, I’m quite sure I can’t dance!”

“Everyone can dance”, he shrugged with a soft smile, “I’m not asking you to waltz with me or do the tango”, he grinned and she chuckled, “I’m just asking you to dance.”

She bit her lips, feeling a very slight hesitation… but took his hand, nonetheless.

“Okay…”, she smirked, “Teach me.”

Reciprocating her smirk, he took her hand and slowly pulled her closer until they started moving into almost a slow-dancing kind of way. He spun her around and then back into his arms and there was something about how easily and naturally he did that, something about that gorgeous crooked smile he was giving her, just inches from her face, that made Marinette feel incredibly warm and exhilarated in the way, she came to find, only he could make her feel. But they weren’t at the cool, calming ice rink now. And the breezy spring evening was suddenly not cold enough to keep her as in check as she wanted to keep herself whenever he did something that caused this beautiful, dizzy feeling to arise inside her that quickened her heart and breath.

But, for once, perhaps because she so desperately needed something like this, she didn’t want to fight getting lost in a moment like this one. She craved and needed the way he made her feel, safe and wild at the same time, feeling just secure enough to almost be able to let go completely. Marinette never felt like that. Marinette never acted like that. Not even as Ladybug, not even at the peaks of her confidence. But with him, it just happened. And normally, she would wonder over and over again in her head if he could somehow sense this, how he’s literally driving her crazy in a way, if he thought her to be a foolish, silly girl for letting him affect her this much, especially since she practically rejected him at first and since, ironically, she felt that all of these feelings became immensely obvious and accentuated after she removed any barriers that she once upon a time used to carefully set in front of the emotions that were steadily growing for him because she wanted them kept down and silenced for Adrien. But not now. She moved with him and laughed with him and let him sway and spin her in his arms and she could swear she never felt more alive.

It was a couple’s dance of sorts, the one that they were sharing, but it wasn’t defined by any specific set of steps or movements, more like a combination, actually. And that was the beauty of it, it was just defined by – them. And as the music picked up its tempo and volume slightly and she found herself dipped down in a way that perhaps started teasingly and playfully, she could feel her heart wanting to burst in warm sparks in her chest sparkling and spreading through her torso in a way she didn’t expect so suddenly. It felt like sparks flowing down her body and as it instinctively caused her to bite on her lower lip, she could have sworn that she felt his breathing hitch for a moment. Because the way he leaned over her, pulled her waist against his, much closer and tighter than at the ice rink, as he started to pull her slowly back up, eyes staring into each other without blinking, bodies close to the point she could feel the tempo of his breathing through the movements of his chest against her… It flipped some sort of a switch inside her. Everything has been so wrong and so irredeemable and so wrong lately, the pressure constantly dropped onto her shoulders unbearable and so strong that she was fully convinced she truly couldn’t handle it at all. But now, here, with him, like always, all of her feelings just floated to the surface. Or perhaps rushed, ran and instantly flooded to the surface would be a better description of what she was feeling when he leaned his shoulder down against her, breathing heavily, as two teal eyes peered right inside of her and made her melt. And, for once, Marinette was completely and entirely sure that at least for now, she was enough. She was strong. She was alive. Her skin was burning and the air flowing heavily through her lungs at a tempo she wasn’t used to felt like breathing for the first time in months. There was no way on Earth she was letting this go. There was no way in hell she was suppressing anything tonight. As a rebellion against Hawkmoth wanting to see her destroyed, against people who knew her and were ready to judge or leave her when she was clearly going through something akin to a nightmare, against any residual feelings for Adrien and against this whole nightmare as a whole – Marinette was going to grip paradise tonight, she’s going to be young, and free and hungry and loved and to hell with anything else.

She was fire and she wasn’t blushing or pulling back this time or looking away and still, still Luka was careful and doubtful, his gaze searching hers hopeful but confused. And somehow this, the heart and patience and kindness of the boy in her arms tipped her over the brink and without being able to even control or plan it, her lips crashed against his… And they stayed like that for a second, two, before his lips caressed against her lower lip in a way that caused less than a moment to transpire before her teeth grazed his upper lip with her next kiss, then her tongue, and when his tongue just barely brushed up against hers, her mind seemed to have swerved like she was intoxicated, because the next thing she realized was that her hand was tangled in his hair and grasping at his back, pulling him somehow even closer, closer against her, before he lifted her up, swiftly and effortlessly onto a small half-wall behind them and, oh, it made her want to never let him go. She gripped at the firm shape of the small of his back and one of his palms cupped her face, stroking her lip as he kissed it hungrily, the other running against her outer thigh and something between them must have been electric because they both shivered at the same time and chuckled sweetly against each other’s lips.

There was no care or thought left in her mind other than him. Her head, her heart and her body screamed only Luka. Luka. And only Luka.

Her home.

Her acceptance.

Her freedom.

#lukanette #lukanette fic #lukanette prompt #luka couffaine #miraculous ladybug #my fic

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tothedarkdarkseas · 4 years ago

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its SO infuriating that murdoc's attraction to men is never brought up unless it's for a joke. i wouldn't have much of a problem if it was NEVER brought up but still acknowledged, since that could be written off as just some really bad internalized homophobia. but it is brought up, he speaks about "fancying" men, yet it's not normalized like his attraction to women is. it's always the punchline or the whole joke altogether. idk just venting at this point hi how are ya

Behind a cut for length, but also TW to discussion of general homophobia.

I can definitely understand this frustration anon. A similar story: not to wear my embarrassing fandom history on my sleeve, but years ago I was part of a fandom for a teen-targeted sort of show (a mistake I’ll never make again) and I really developed this deep-rooted resentment for the writers and a particular ship because it was exclusively touted out for a punchline. It really bothered me that we’d validate this ship and the “gay subtext” when the two being caught in “oh no, it’s not what it looks like!” situations for lazy homophobic comedy was the entire basis of it. It wasn’t subtext, it didn’t say anything about the characters or their relationship; it was just treated, like you say, as a punchline.

In comparison, I can’t say the Gorillaz situation steams me quite as much, but I can absolutely see why it would. I think that I’ve just... learned to work with what Gorillaz is? To the extent that these things, the lack of seriousness or representation, play into the narrative of internalized homophobia and identity politics between two very flawed, aging British men. In part, I think the context of Gorillaz is important-- but in part, I also feel the lack of context for Gorillaz is an easy comeback to dismantle that. Who does it exist for? It’s not on a label, and it’s always combined reality with absurdity. So now what? I’d certainly be happy if Murdoc’s attraction to men was brought up again in a significant way, a way fans couldn’t deny or write off, but equally Gorillaz exists to be ridiculous comedy and I would argue there hasn’t been a serious attempt to address most things outside of political issues. But the decision to let Gorillaz be political and be a band with a statement does contradict the reluctance to let the band members, as their own people, feel real or like they actually live their own lives. It’s just sort of a constant spiral of “this, but that, but this.” Now, I don’t say any of that to tell you how to feel or to disagree with your annoyance, but I guess my best advice is conning the system and headcanoning Murdoc as a performer down to his core, someone who likes to shock and have attention but is terrified of being something real to another person. It’s fine to make a joke in an interview about sex toys or which celebrity he’d shag, but making a less raunchy, plainly affirming statement the way Noodle did isn’t in Murdoc’s wiring.

I’m sorry for getting off on a bit of a tangent here! Warning for uncomfortable casual homophobia after this point, but I think it’s very true that his attraction to men isn’t normalized by the canon. I understand why fans want to headcanon that the characters speak in code about certain things, that choices in Stu’s wardrobe or who’s carrying what handkerchief is really supposed to allude to a sexuality that is yet unspoken, but... you’re really giving the writers Gay Credit they didn’t earn. The reality is that Jamie and the writers are older straight men who have only begun to refine the way they speak through their work in recent years, and I don’t think they’ve put serious thought into writing LGBT characters. None of that is to say I think the writers should be flogged or even that I think they’re sincerely homophobic people... but I do think they’re more comfortable addressing it in the younger female Noodle than they are in the old geezers. IMHO, while I’m 100% on board saying Murdoc is canonically bisexual, it’s generous to suggest they ever intentionally alluded to Murdoc’s sexuality from day one as an actual confirmation of a particular sexuality and not simply as a joke. I recognize it’s uncomfortable to say so, but looking back on early material nearly all of Murdoc’s features or personality traits were chosen, by design, to make him more repellent in a comedic fashion. His long jagged nails, freakish tongue, offcolored teeth, unflattering descriptions of his hair or body, frankly even his Satanism, and above all his misogynistic comments or his racist and fascist jokes all characterized Murdoc as an undesirable person. And if asked honestly, I do think his references to his sexual behavior-- both with women and men-- were most likely meant to make Murdoc seem “deviant.” That was the character they were going for. None of this is to say Murdoc is one-dimensional or that fans have not grown to love a few of these traits and embraced or expanded on them, but I think the roots of Murdoc’s attraction were more about painting a “shocking” portrait than detailing a sincere identity.

However! None of that is to say Gorillaz didn’t evolve as a project, and it’s certainly clear Murdoc became a favorite among staff. Not only did Phase 3 originally cast him in the grandest role yet, but every phase after 3 has been about humanizing or redeeming Murdoc to some extent. Unfortunately I do think it’s probably unrealistic to expect a serious commentary on Murdoc’s identity to come from canon, as they’ve had every opportunity to do so and haven’t-- but I don’t think this comes as much from a lingering casual homophobia as that simply not being “the tone” they aim for with Murdoc, who has never issued a truly serious and not ego-maniacal statement about himself in my memory. And if I’m speaking truthfully for myself, I don’t feel a terrible need for it, but I don’t want to invalidate why this frustrates you. The status quo “works” for “my” version of the characters, but it would be more meaningful to the real audience to showcase it in some way that we all understood to be knowing and deliberate, but most of all, sincere in his sliminess; Lord knows, as a bisexual disaster myself we need more disgusting/scumbag representation. (Murdoc and Stu, respectively.)

#headcanon posts #? not exactly tho #ps hi i'm good how are you?#Anonymous

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sup4l3e · 4 years ago

Text

I’m Crazy...

I’m insane...

I've lost the plot..

I'm hopeless..

I'm worthless..

I'm unloveable..

I'm pathetic..

I'm weird..

I'm strange..

I'm not okay...

I'm a psycho... (ok this one for me might be true... question it, go on try it! i dare you! ;0 lol)

BUT...

I AM!!!

Those are just some of the things my own mind tells me on a daily basis ... yes here it comes a blog about anxiety and depression... omg!! i know right the cliche of it all. like who hasnt written a blog about depression before ...

oh woe is me! am i right?

well... thats where you're wrong!

(before i start i want no sympathy im not writing this for the "aww's" and the "bless her" comments, i dont want sympathy or empathy ... this is simply because ive experienced and lived with depression for about 14 years and if i can help one person feel better about themselves by reading this or help someone realise that they are not alone then, well, i can rest easy tonight. If anything i want to empower people)

I lived for so many years in the dark, keeping all of this too myself and you know what it did? absolutely sweet FA apart from making me so much worse, it gave ammunition to those little voices, telling me all of the above, making them win!

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago that talking about my experiences and how im feeling would help.

i didnt realise until about 2-3 years ago how many other people around me were going through the EXACT same thing.

Two and a half years ago i was a completely different person, i was sheltered, i was in a very toxic relationship ... with myself. Most people would disagree, they'd say i was actually in a toxic relationship with my ex partner; but i cant blame him. Dont get me wrong he was toxic and looking back i was lucky to get out when i did, however i am also grateful too him, because he showed me exactly what i dont want in my life. and being fair to him i'd lived with my own toxicity in my mind for a good 10 years before him, so god forbid i'd give him the satisfaction of all that praise coz by god did i do a damned good number on myself without any of his help. ;)

In all honestly though, i do blame myself and my own mind, because 2 and a half years ago those little voices in my own head were the only thing i was listening to, they were winning. I wasnt listening to my family who were worried sick about me, who were practically begging me to tell them what was going on in my head, who i shut out, ignored and pushed away because i couldnt cope and you know what? they didnt deserve that at all. i live everyday regretting that i put them through that, So i now live everyday hoping to make them proud of me and live each and everyday with a promise. I do however live every day regretting that i didnt let them in earlier because if i had of i wouldnt have gone through the hell i did and i wouldnt have genuinely believed "this is what i deserve" "no-one else will love you" "no-one else wants you" "no-one cares"... i wouldnt have had too live a LIE.

The lie was people did love me, i just couldnt see it, people did care about me, i just wouldnt hear it, i needed their help, i just wouldnt speak it; because at that point in time my own mind was telling me that i didnt deserve any of that, and that nobody would ever want to do that for me. So i found sactuary in a toxic person who in the long run made me the strong person i am today because if it werent for him i'd never have the confidence in myself knowing what i overcame, and if it werent for him i wouldnt have seen my family and loved ones take charge and say "Leanne enough is enough" .. they gave me the metaphorical slap across the face i damned well needed and brought me back to reality, they categorically wouldnt allow that behaviour to carry on anymore and for that i will forever be grateful!

i made a promise to them that day that i would always tell them when i was getting low again and i made a promise to myself that day that i would keep them in the forefront of my mind in all of my decisions and i would also promise to try and help anyone else who was ever in the same position i was in.

depression is a funny old thing, everyone will experience some form of depression throughout their life, some people are genetically wired to experience it, some people will experience it from a young age, some dont experience it until very late on in life, some experience it from sad/happy/overwhelming life events, some unlucky souls just never find happiness. but no matter what EVERYONE will, at somepoint experience depression. in this blog im going to try and explain how i've learned to manage and cope with mine.

A bit of a backstory of my depression, it started around the age of 14-15, my depression. I dont know where it came from but it was right around the time of my GCSE's, college, boys, hormones, and being diagnosed with PCOS (for those of you who dont know what that is its Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) i was told at a young age of 14 that i had some sort of syndrome which "would only matter when i got older", and that i had some of the prettiest ovaries the sonographer and gyneacologist had ever seen... in hindsight that wasnt going to be the compliment i first thought it was or the dismissive statement they portrayed it and brushed it off as, at all! THAT diagnosis changed alot of my life, however i will get back to that.

As most teens do around here I started studying for my GCSE's at just 15 years old. i was so stressed out i started actually hearing a screaming voice in my head. i suffered panic attacks daily, sometimes a few attacks a day, and that is where my anxiety started and then, good old depression smashed me in the face. i found the more stressed i became, the more id hear that screaming inside my head which then lead me to thinking " holy fucking shitballs im hearing voices im actually insane" therefore leading to more anxiety and panic attacks. so much so i would come home exhausted at 4pm everyday crawl into my pyjamas and climb into bed ready to do it all again the following day. (dont get me wrong i sat most nights on msn using the latest flashing emojis for EACH and EVERY letter of the alphabet, to the point it looked more like hyroglyphics and obviously getting the colours just right with the codes to make your name and status show in a rainbow. but that was all done in pj's curled up in bed because i couldnt manage much else ... however, if my mam asks i was revising and doing my homework THE. WHOLE. TIME, not talking to my friends about how hot a certain crush's bum looked that day ha! am i right! :P xoxo)

This was all a massive thing for me to go through aswell, due to the fact my dad has mental health issues and lives with schizophrenia, so, naturally at this point, you can imagine i was picturing myself in padlocked straight jackets and padded cells, talking away to the screaming voice in my head. the funniest thing was this screaming voice wasnt saying anything nasty or bad it was just my thoughts screaming at me like everything was angry, so genuinely just everyday life thoughts but those screaming at me, like, imagine thinking "leanne dont forget to pack your PE kit" but in the voice of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman from Full Metal Jacket... it. was. TERRIFYING!

Anyways, so yes high school was a massive contributor, then i made the choice to leave college at 17 because i, like many others, didnt have the faintest clue what i wanted to be when i grew up (little did i know id live the life of peter pan and neverland would be my sesh house OIOI!!!) In leaving college i went into full time work, as a 'temp job' until i decided what i was going to do... unfortunately, 8 and a half years later i was still their prisoner! haha, Nah, dont get me wrong i met some absolutely amazing people in that job and i did love it but i knew at the end, if i didnt get out it was going to kill me off. I'd gotten to the point in that job that i cried myself to sleep knowing i had to go back in the next day. that place contributed alot to my depression not because it was a bad job but because id made a wrong decision and was stuck there. i had to leave.

my next massive contributor, and this is where i divulge some of my REAL heartbreaks. PCOS - Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome or what i like to call Poly fucking Cystic fucking Ovary fucking Syndrome or "lets just fuck shit up!" (no im not bitter about it at all lol) because of this shit, from the very young age of 14 (like puberty isnt hard enough - spots, hair in places you never wanted boobs growing overnight, bleeding once a month being the biggest inconvenience) i have also had to deal with weight issues, hersuitism, depression, anxiety, hormones that sent me bat shit crazy, pain, headaches, fatigue, you name it i had it. but the biggest heartbreak, being told that id always have difficulty concieving and carrying a child. Anyone who knows me, and knows me well, knows i have always wanted to be a mam. (and not the sesh mam who looks after all my drunken idiotic friends on a night out ... coz i swear thats all they ever think i do lol) I mean a real mam, to a real baby. and being told at a young age that i had the prettiest ovaries the gyneacologist had ever seen wasnt the compliment i thought it was because it turned out my ovaries were absolutely covered in cysts. And for years i have tried to have a baby but alas nothing ever happens. i've had a few close calls and ive miscarried, or at least i think i did, the test came back positive but then about 3 days after that pretty pink second line, i had the heaviest period i had ever had for around 4 hours and then my body went back to normal as if nothing happened. it broke my heart.

They say the human body is delicate and intricate and should be treated with respect... i say its a machine and its a absolute twat at times, and why should i respect what in essence has caused me heartbreak from a young age FOR NO FUCKING REASON. but hey ho... life. goes. on.

so... thats my life story or just a snippet of it. and some of the reasons why i have depression.

heres how i cope...

Well, for a long time.. and i mean a VERY LONG time i didnt. i hid it, i hid away from the world. i drank alot. i avoided family, i avoided my best friends, i avoided anything that would have brought me back to reality.

For a long time though, thats what i needed. now im not saying running away from your issues is easy and thats what you should do because its definitely not. im saying i NEEDED to do it at the time because i had no other way of coping and i NEEDED too to learn what not to do in the future. So masking, for me, was better than facing things 'alone'. In that time though, i made my issues alot worse and in fact caused more issues. it hurt my family, my friends and well hurt myself too, because in the long run i still had to sober up and i still had to deal with the same issues that got me down in the first place, i ended up in debt which contributed further too my issues. I did some very silly things which when i look back on them now i could have hurt so many people. i took an overdose of painkillers at one point around 2 and a half years ago. I felt so weak i saw no other outcome but instantly regretted doing it and made myself sick so that they came back up. i've told my mother and close friends about this previously but i think to really show how much i've learned and to reach out to anyone who is feeling the same way i did, to tell them IT REALLY DOES GET BETTER AND EASIER. i think saying that, shows my honesty throughout this post and allows for my experience and honesty really show that i want to help anyone going through the same thing.

Masking just makes the pain go away for a short period of time. learning from your pain and making it your strength is how you really overcome your own mind and depression.

It wasnt until i realised i was never alone, just how selfish and stupid id been all that time, because in masking, hiding and running away, id stupidly stopped myself from a faster recovery, less heartache, less pain and mental and physical torture. and really i stopped myself from helping others in the same position as me.

it wasnt until i learned to make my pain my strength that i truly found peace in who i am.

i still have days where those voices wont shut up, and they win and thats ok.

i still have days where i cannot climb out of bed and thats ok.

i still have days where i cry and the pain is too much and thats ok.

because i learned all of it really is ok! everyone has those same thoughts the same feelings the same illnesses. and i know that tomorrow WILL be a better day.

you just need to learn how to make it and own it as your own!

nothing has changed for me, all of those things are still true they're still real, my body hasnt miraculously healed itself, i still made poor life choices, it hasnt changed my hormonal imbalances but it has changed my mindset. it has changed my life. i made a choice to change my mindset and not let it beat me i decided to let people in. my family are my guardian angels because they never gave up on me, they dragged it out of me and frogmarched me to the doctors for the help i needed but some people dont have that support in their lives.

i'm lucky enough now, to have lived with this for long enough to know my signs, and when i know what i call, "going dark" is coming. basically when i start slipping and losing control of it again, i identify it and know how to manage it head on. unfortunately my body because of the stupid "intricate machine" i have and how broken it is (believe me the day i can swap out into an AI robot body imma sign straight up for that shit imma have me a body like Jennifer Anniston) my body however tends to go into a meltdown, i end up with more migraines, pain and infections. i also get extremely tired to the point i can sleep for a good 15-20 hours a day and thats not me being lazy (although if sleeping were an olympic sport i'd be the universal champion of it BED=LIFE) thats really me needing to reset. at that point in time when i know this is coming, thats when i reach out; i tell my friends and my family "I'm not okay" because i know now i can do that, i can talk to them.

i, personally, take medication daily, and for some reason we live in a society where people are actually shamed for doing so. i know if i dont take those 2 little tablets every day i will lose control and become a shell of who i really am. my seratonin levels drop and i practically become a robot barely functioning. so why should i be ashamed of those 2 little 'happy pills' which make me the person i want to be and know i truly am! no chemical imbalance is going to get the better of me! if i can have the help, im damned sure going to take it. along with the happy pills, aswell as alot of sleep, sunbeds, spending time with family and friends whenever i possibly can, i now have a job that i love, i also retrained as a beautician, and i love going to the gym and swimming whenever i can, ive found i can manage mine alot better. one thing that massively changed my life was limitting when i drink. i rarely go out drinking anymore and the reason is because i know deep down i will end up in a very low state afterwards. alcohol is a depressant and i wont allow that kind of thing to get me down. so now instead i choose to drink once a month if not less. i havent cut out the drink completely i just know if i want to get blinding drunk i need to be in a very happy place to do so. so i am careful where i drink, who i drink with and what i do whilst im drinking and unfortunately much to my neighbours disgust that tends to be in the house whilst singing along to whitney houston or disney songs at the top of my lungs, but thats how i know i'll not plummet the day after, and lets face it anyone whose heard me singing knows whitney had nothing on me ;)

In all seriousness though, the best advice i can give anyone living with depression is talk to someone, talk to your family, talk to your neighbour, talk to your friends, talk to your doctor, talk to your dog, your cat, the postman, the man on the bus who sits oddly close too you... just talk to anyone. tell them how you are feeling tell them your experiences. tell them what is getting to you. Find someone who you can trust, find a stranger. write it all down in a blog. video it. GET IT ALL OFF YOUR CHEST! SAY IT OUT LOUD! Just. Bloody. Talk! please!

everyones experiences with depression are different some people mask it, some people show it, some people (like me now) shout it from the fucking rooftops because im not afraid of my emotions anymore.

everyones ways of coping are different too, some people find the gym helps, some rely on medication, some rely on talking therapies... there are so many different ways of coping out there now... the only way that doesnt work is not admitting something is wrong and fighting your own mind without help, knowing something isnt right but still doing nothing about it. The only way of not coping is living a lie, you dont have to do this alone!

Basically do those things just for you, the ones you've always wanted to do! get that tattoo you wanted, quit your job, retrain, change your hair colour, buy that car, buy that dog, book that holiday.

do what makes YOU happy!

live for you and open up, people would rather know how you are feeling than see you struggle or ultimately not be here.

open up you never know someone might be feeling the exact same way you are and it could bring you closer.

but remember most importantly:

You ARE NOT Alone..

You ARE NOT Crazy..

You ARE NOT insane..

You HAVE NOT lost the plot..

You ARE NOT hopeless..

You ARE NOT worthless..

You ARE NOT unloveable..

You ARE NOT pathetic..

You ARE NOT weird..

You ARE NOT a psycho..

You ARE NOT strange..

And..

You ARE okay...

You ARE Beautiful..

You ARE Worth it..

YOU ARE Loved

i hope this helps...

thank you ☺

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