#and they do this shit every 3-5 years
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#finally got a letter from ssa with a determination on my ongoing disability review and i get to keep my benefits#such a load of stress off my mind#not that i expected to get kicked off but#it was still so stressful spending months with no idea if i woukd lose my only source of income and medicare#and they do this shit every 3-5 years
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no i dont want to use the app! i dont even want to browse it on my phone! let me open that shit on my desktop! why is everything barred to a stupid app on google store! get that outta here!
#also these fucks cant even code for a phone properly but they keep trying#and while they keep trying they keep forgetting how to make the damn web pages functional#everything is unoptomized and runs like shit and now everything is trying to convince you that html is hard#and trying to sell you to other sites that will give you the shittest same 3 templates#all of which take 5 min tops to make by yourself!#they do that and wont let you change the shit AND IT STILL WORKS LIKE UTTER CRAP#god i hate how shit is#tech somehow is supposedly advancing by why is everything so slow?#why does every site look like something that woulda gave 98 viruses 20 years ago#and why do we accept that shit as normal#why is everything so fucking plain and boring seeming#why are we on the most boring adfilled timeline that's halfway to the dead internet theoooory i hate thiiiiis
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decided to make a list of all my diagnosed issues and like fucking. god damn. how am i just living day to day.
#nine bullet points#of diagnosed things i struggle#i struggle with#1. type one diabetes 2. adhd 3. bipolar 4. severe anxiety 5. depression 6. insomnia 7. migraines 8. dpdr 9. ptsd#and im just ?? existing like this??? literally how what the fuck#there’s more than that too thats just like the actual able to be diagnosed shit#probably also at least slightly autistic but my psychologist said that its not bad enough to impact me big time and a diagnosis would do mor#more harm than good so im just kind. Not lmao#but also: abandonment issues self worth issues guilty conscience issues feeling unworthy of literally everything issues#awful at establishing boundaries#sh issues#(not for like years but its a struggle to not relapse every year esp during winter)#suicidal ideation but at least ive never actually been suicidal#not bc i particularly love being alive but because the fact that i dont know what comes after death scares me too much lmao#even at my lowest of lows i have not wanted to kms SOLELY bc the unknown scares me enough to be like#yeah this sucks but at least i know it#at least it’s like familiar which is sad but still true lma#OH ALSO eating disorder lmao. diabulimia is a thing.#genuinely how have i not been fucking hospitalized#not in a bad way but like. idk how i havent gotten to that point yet#tho to be fair there are multiple points i probably should have been tbh#i just. dont want to worry people? or inconvenience anyone. and i know im not gonna kms so its easy to be like ‘i dont need that’#i have overshared way too much in these tags sorry i’ll stop now#if anyone has actually read all of these: i’m sorry. i love you. i hope you feel better than i do. i hope you smiled today.
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oh this essay is going to be so fucking good (it is currently 159 words long)
#i finally stopped procrastinating and am actually working on the mzri essay#or like the final version. i've gone through at least 5 versions in my head by now. this is like the final final one now that mzk WL chapte#is out#this is the sort of shit i would write during school last year but i sit within the teacher's eyeline in every lesson now#what the fuck did i ever do to them#idk i've got form period tmr which is basically a free. i just have to not watch panel shows in class. test of willpower i guess.#and i've got a 3 hour lunch period this thursday. i can work with that
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It's fascinating how in reaction to the crab day idea half my dashboard is like "Tumblr is awful do not give them one red cent let the motherfucker burn" and the other half is like "let's save the rec center 🙂"
#do crab day dont do crab day#itll be a nice boost to the site but like its been pointed out it wont completely solve tumblr's money woes#but also it is $3 for crabs#like... no one's asking you to drop big bucks on this#hell you can just say no#this is like how every year ao3 does their fundraiser and people come on to scream about how its a waste of money#and how you should be giving it to someone more worthy#as if those donation posts arent passing the same $5 around to get by#or when the importan blue checks came out#people spending $3 on crabs would probably spend that $3 on something equally dumb or not at all#sorry#just dont participate#and make plans to lift stakes when tumblr finally goes under/starts really sucking b/c theyre gonna keep doing shit like this#until they go under or turn a profit#thats capitalism#and even if we get our glorious communist revolution social media will probably not make it to the communes#locked it down since crab day originator found it and well its out that theyre a pro-life terf so 🤷 blocked#anyway congrats on reblogging a godless heathen#your idea was cute anyway#update: i had an idea and now its rebloggable again#fyi: i block hard 🙃
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#i mean in the nicest way possible#but like when you're in med school you truly have to have your priorities straight#bc otherwise you're going to end up doing just mediocre#and like#who wants a mediocre doctor to help them#there's some shit you have to sacrifice sometimes#sometimes its spending time doing things you like sometimes its asking for help with your responsibilities#sometimes its knowing you're gonna get an hour or two of sleep bc you have to finish doing everything you have to do#and if you're not gonna learn how to prioritize and be responsible idk if there's a point 😭#like im sorry#ik mental health is incredibly important more than anyone else#but we're training to be people who will literally have to save someones from dying at one point#us being late or us not studying or us not knowing something can literally kill someone#i just#ugh#it pisses me off how some actual friends dont take this seriously#and like oh im sleepy bc ive been doing other stuff all day im not gonna study i think#LIKE BROTHER IN CHRIST#and the worst part is like#i feel so bad saying this but we should be taking 5 classes each semester so we can get to intern year#this person is taking only 3#like bro we've literally had exam after exam every day this week#we're exhausted too#we just gotta suck it up
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omg.... my new nearest audiology department actually has an EMAIL TO CONTACT!!!!!!! we're so fucking back baby
#looking to register bc i havent had a hearing checkup in like. 4-5 years lol#im supposed to have repeats every 2-3 years but my old audio dept is on the other side of the country....#and my hearing loss has been stable since i was 2 yrs old so its not super urgent to keep track of..#but ive had my current hearing aids for over 6 years now i think which is the average lifespan. and they still work fine#but i really should be taking them in to adjust every six months n get new moulds fitted regularly....... oops#i do replace the tubing but yeah im way behind on maintenance#and considering i wear them like 50 hours a week n im kinda dependent on them at work i need to keep on top of it more#ALSO what i reaaaaally want is ones that have bluetooth connectivity bc when i last got mine that tech wasnt widely available#but now i think theyre nhs standard. so fingers crossed i can upgrade plsss i wanna be able to use them for phone calls n music!!!#i can make a good case for it if needed cuz i need to use headphones at work sometimes#actually might be able to get an access to work grant for bonus hearing aid equipment..... i should look into that#i was skeptical for ages bc i had a VERY old roger mic as a kid which was effectively a box on a lanyard i had to give to ppl#it was clunky as shit and had awful sound quality i gave up using it after a year or two#but now they have very sleek n subtle ones n the tech has improved so much like it filters bg noise n can connect to tvs n shit#so would be really useful in meetings or when im like. at a restaurant or somewhere w a lot of bg noise....#ahhhh itll take time to get everything sorted tho. need to start w just getting this audiology referral in place#ill swing by the gp practice after work tmr and ask for an appointment for that#need to get dressed and leave the flat.... but i dont want to 😔#in a bit....#.diaries
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I am not exaggerating when I say I live with one of the worst cishet men I've ever met in my life and its horrible
Pretty big vent incoming in tags, just a warning. Feel free to scroll past /gen
#sorry i. need to vent#he is genuinely one of the most ignorant; stubborn; and absolutely manchild of a man I've ever seen#I'm not fucking lying when I say he gets pissy and shouts and complains about EVERYTHING#and I don't mean just occasional shouting and getting loud#whenever he's upset. its /loud/. very loud#first time in my 5 years of knowing him I had enough and snapped back at him because he was yelling at me-#-bc I supposedly do absolutely nothing around the house and I take horrible care of myself and dont care about anything#at least in regards to the house#and complains about why I'm deciding not to go to college and that he got a job at 15 while he's literally#in his mid 40's#so.#like.#I told him I'm still 18 and I dont want him to boss around my entire fucking life but he brought up the excuse again of-#-him doing all the shit I SHOULD be doing by his words when he was 15#first of all. like. to get things straight; we are not related at all not even in the slightest#he's my mothers bf; I don't know why he gets so pissy at me about MY life of all things#like Jesus Christ shut up challenge impossible#yeah I had a fun (/s) moment earlier where I went to clean my dish and he started to snap at me about how I-#-walk past the dishes every day while they're piled up and I should do them. meanwhile. they're literally not mine. ever#I get it yeah but. whatever. he kept going onn and on and on and got even more upset with me literally not saying or doing anything to-#-provoke him more#Ig he just doesn't know that!! wow!! I do actually care about my life and future!!!!#and that getting a job is not that easy or the same as it was 30+ fucking years ago!! wow!! who would've guessed!!!!#Like genuinely i am literally trying to get a job rn and shit and have been stressing horribly about it for literal YEARS#but yeah ignore that I guess ok sure buddy#god sorry i.. really hate him. a lot#I dont like to hate on people really; esp if im accustomed to them. but him. he. no <3#I will say I hate him w my full chest#vent#negative post
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are yall impressed with my actium progress *cries*
#i feel like im working on it non stop and then i actually see the amount of progress... girl#behold chapter 1. see if you can glean anything from it#ive fucked both of my wrists up pretty bad already and im just ignoring the injury which is not helping me pick up the pace lmao#my goal is to try to get in a rhythm where i can get 5-10 pages done a week depending on my day job and shit#chaps 1 to 5 are completely scripted panel by panel so i know exactly what im doing for them#and if i release about 10 pages every other week i should have about a 9 month buffer to keep working and scripting the rest. which seems#like enough?? i can always speed up the upload schedule if im really ahead but i dont see myself being that ahead lmao#act 1 is gonna have 14 chaps which are already plotted out and acts 2 and 3. wll#i mean i have most of the ideas lmao im sure itll all come together as i get closer rip#anyways. anyways#im learning to be faster but my focus has just been shot so hopefully i can double down and finish this chap#at this pace im hoping to release maybe in april/may? hopefully earlier? maybe later?#but def this year!#anyways i just needed to get all of my thoughts out lmao goodnight. im gonna rest my wrists#ramblings#actium posting
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now that i've moved on to reading les misérables aloud, i'm still having the same problem i had with le comte de monte-cristo (i.e., le procureur du roi continues to dog my every step), but a new issue has arisen, viz., i'm only 60 pages in and i've already gotten so choked up with emotion that i've had to stop reading two different times. and all that's happened so far is hugo has been giving background on the guy who will eventually let jean valjean steal his candlesticks. we have not met even a single major character yet. heh heh. i'm in danger.
#today i got to '''Qu'est-ce que vous venez me demander?' 'Votre bénédiction‚' dit l'évêque. Et il s'agenouilla'' and was like#do NOT start sobbing right now is2g keep it together woman#this is level 1! we are on level 1 rn! out of like. at least 5 levels!!#you are not allowed to cry on level 1 or we will be here all fucking year. this is easy mode! it only gets worse!!!#the other time was when he got on the gallows with a prisoner who was being executed#and talked to him as he was being guillotined. jesus. that was probably at least a level 3 though so i allowed it#but i can't be making it a habit. i'm reading 20 pages a day and i can't be crying every day from this!!!#Il monta sur la charrette avec lui‚ il monta sur l'échafaud avec lui.#L'évêque l'embrassa‚ et‚ au moment où le couteau allait tomber‚ il lui dit:#<<<like no matter what he says to the guy that's a guaranteed TKO hugo. what the fuck. il monta sur le fucking échafaud avec lui!!!#au MOMENT où le couteau allait tomber jesus FUCKING christ dude#and the way he's wearing all his ecclesiastical vestments and the crowd is seeing him embrace this condemned man#holy shit#it is so hard to read hugo because on the one hand i resent my emotions being manipulated but on the other hand#he embellishes and dramatizes but the dude is just writing about the kind of shit that was actually happening#people were condemned to death! people are still condemned to death!#idk if a bishop ever got up on the gallows with a guy about to be guillotined and talked him through it but it's not outside the#realm of possibility. if it didn't happen it could have happened#les mis#my posts
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when the very small amount of people in my life who know i’m a lesbian still talk about me dating guys 😃 like
#no cause i’m gonna tell u guys abt this convo i had w my sister the other day#we were talking abt her dating older guys cause she has a type lmao#and i was like what would you do if i was dating someone more than like 4 years older then me#and she was like ‘i would punch him in the face’#dramatic asf#and i was like ummmmm him ? 🧏♀️🧏♀️#and idk maybe she just got confused cause we WERE talking abt older guys but like i mentioned a hypothetical situation where i was dating#someone and she immediately assumes it’s a guy …..#i know it sounds stupid but like i’m out to less than 3 people i know irl and she just blatantly disregards my gayness ???#GODDDDDDD#like i have to talk about men all the time with EVERY SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS AND HER !!!!!#and one of the very few times i talk abt myself and bring up my own dating life ….. and she says hypothetically id be dating a man#it makes me wanna scream just thinking about it again#it immediately ruined my mood#it sucks having no lesbian friends in real life 🤭 like actually devastating sick to my stomach can’t recover type shit#but yk what#one day i’ll make it to one of the like 5 lesbian bars that there are in the US and i’ll meet some friends#ITS GONNA HAPPEN#i’m manifesting it#maybe once i get to college i’ll meet less straight ppl and more LESBIANS#I WANT LESBIANS !!!!#and also i was talking to this other person who’s pan#and they asked me what my sexuality was and i was like im a lesbian#and they go “i like everybody. which unfortunately includes men😪’#bitch …… 😕 you’re kidding me rn#ur joking#pls never say that to me or any lesbian ever#bc i promise u i’ve DREAMT abt the idea of being attracted to men and how much easier that would be#obviously it makes me nauseous thinking abt it but at the same time if i had a CHOICE#since when is there a 30 tag limit i’m trying to rant
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I need one of those guides that's like how to date as an adult with the presumption the reader knows Nothing not even like first grade asking out fake crushes info
#rant#i havent dated in years and im demi so i was never good at that shit anyway since itll take months or more to get a crush#i need a guide thats like Every single tiny step like idk#1 download x app or go to y public spaces#2 try looking for ppl with Z qualities#maybe make a list of Z compatible qualities first then look#3 message people with those qualiries THESE starter topics#4 try to go on an in person date soon by asking them#(or vice versa. talk for montjs before a date to see if u can even crush potentially which was a friends tip once)#5 at the date try to do X honest things and topics#remember to smile? or hug? some flirt suggestions if you dont know how and arent gping to kiss#6 what to say upfront (like idk im demi want no kids) versus what to not bring up immediately (idk?)#ive looked up advice for like individual numbers i just listed lmao#and the AMOUNT of full on conflicting advice!!! made me so anxious i had to stop#itd be like: YES say youre looking to date seriouslt for marriage cause other person may not want it#and better to both know sooner. vetsus NO leave mystery dont scare ppl with assumptions on what you#expect before u even know them! and its like???!! well a human simply CANNOT follow both of those advices at once#and id get anxious i couldnt follow ALL advice and cpuldnt guess which was right or wrong advice so id stress.#i will say generally good advice (tho very basic is): communicate honestly and more is better than less if unsure#have fun and be yourself cause you should enjoy it and if they like u then you want them to like the real you.#and look for red flags of cruel behavior (in which case LEAVE) and just general inxompatibility#(a person could be a great Friend but if theyre poly with 3 long term lovers and ur very much Not poly u should#probably JUST be friends. or if your friend is straight and ur gay. or ur crush wants to move to alaska soon#and u never ever wanna go there. just like. not bad things. just incompatible things)#but also im a little fool in the complexities and i still NEED lists for specific steps#i havent had a crush in years god -.-
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i really wish i taught just one less class at my job. just one. i wish i taught kinder and one afterschool class. that would be good
#its just like a lotttt to deal with doing all the shit for every single class#i have almost never left on time and like while its okayyyy since im sick this week it is feeling less okayyyyy#i might ask them in my contract negotiation at the end of the year what kind of paycut i would face if i asked to not teach#a 4:30 class. like would they be willing to do 2.5 mil for me to teach kindy+3:00 and leave work at 5:30#except on meeting days on meeting days i would be willing to stay until 6:30 i would use that as a catchup day#t
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There is no right or wrong there is only the way humans have always done things and the way humans are being forced to do things to feed an ever growing economy
#this reads like some fantasy we are the dragons slaves shit but its true#its literally so infuriating when i see girls on tiktok being like put mumbo fucking jumbo acid on your face for clear skin#NO#wash your face often eat a good diet stop starving yourself and you will see changes in you skin#you dont need a 40 minutes skincare routine anymore than you need to waste 2000 bucks on a face wash#for gods sake just use aloe vera#your ancestors did it for 1000s of years and didnt evolve to look like starving pencils#its just cheating you into hating yourself so youll waste money on useless products#like sure i understand wanting nice skin i love when my skin is soft#but you can achieve that with a blender and like... 3 cooking ingredience#IF IT AINT BROKE DONT FIX IT#yk?#its like that post about the toaster with settings for different kinds of bread#i can achieve the same effect with 5 minites a stove and a toasting fork#or this thing about replacing your phone every 10 months NO#STOP#do you know what youre doing to the environment#my dads been using the same phone for 6 years you do not need a new one annually its not a medical checkup#they even fucking stole hair care. just ask your grandma what she did for nice hair and shell say eggs or smth AND GUESS WHAT? they work!#eggs do wonders for your hair do not spend 800 bucks on shampoo thats 'just right' for waving curls or straight ringlets or whatever#its not worth it.#just dont.
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A lot of the times westerners say aw authorial govts wouldn’t do this shit and me as a Chinese am like. From an authoritarian country yeah like I couldn’t speak for other govts but yeah no my country could be ten times worse . like yeah I get not wanting to further imperialism by having a justification for war but like if America invades China I would join the side of America because China is so done for
#what ten entire years of brainwashing and banning outside information does to a country#mine#I watched my dad get more and more conservative#my mom is a teacher for 30 years and her students get more and more conservative in nationalistic frenzy every 3 years#I often say if we hand Chinese people do a mass suicide I would totally be down for it#han Chinese#because I don’t see like#how could like an entire country of nationalistic mouthpieces for the govt who are brainwashed for ten years#could regain human decency and compassion for the weak#in a culture that historically values hierarchy and admires the leaders#it’s not the result of me being mentally shit#it’s the result of debating a nationalist everyday for the past 5 years (minus the last bc I was in America) and my growing despair knowing#there are tens of hundreds of thousands like him#and he’s only on the milder end#I got lucky through doctor who literally I was like. hm tumblr sounds fun . so I got a vpn and joined tumblr joined Twitter and saw the#outside world#and when I was first on twitter in 2018 I was so sick of Chinese ppl who are anti ccp because I was raised a nationalist now I am one of#them#yeah tldr if we han Chinese ppl do a mass suicide I want to join!! it’s only right#hence why brax is inspirational for me. wow ur raised in a hopeless authoritarian govt around govt praisers and u commit suicide?? multiple#times even?? I want to be like u#suicide tw#aand American communists will take one look at me and say obviously she is brainwashed by the cia bruh I get my news from being Chinese .#I’m not even an immigrant bruh (I wish I am…)#like a lot of non brainwashed Chinese people on twitter say they want to kill themselves v often and it’s just. yeah .#political depression
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cheers to the new year also to be prosperous with more mutual interactions, collabs and hopefully more content from me exploring new editing styles >:)
#personal#i already have a cool christmas collab planned for next year *kicks heavy rock*#next year is my 11th year anniversary too but i think ill do just a normal ff since its not a big milestone like every 5 years/10 will be#maybe next year ill actually start coloring shit idk ;3; sad i gave up on my self a bit with that this year but its ok#what else do i wanna do next year........#i also think it would be soooo interesting to start my own network blog?!?! just came ot mind#i would love to do shoujo but theres already a net for that ;0; but uh who says their cant be two!??!?!?#i just wrote down some new ideas that i think anyone and everyone would love too aaaaaaa i cant spoil tho#too soon so srry but youll definitely love the idea
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