#and u never ever wanna go there. just like. not bad things. just incompatible things)

[annakie]

So I decided to squeeze in a ME3 (only) playthrough to finally do MShep and an Engineer in ME3.  I started this guy many years ago and never went very far with him, despite really loving the character design.  BTW, I captioned all the screenshots above if you wanna clickthrough. So (re)meet Aldis.  I tried to do his initial facial design off of Aldis Hodge, though I’m bad at creating/mimicking faces I think he still turned out as one of the most attractive mSheps I’ve ever seen, if I can say so mysellf without sounding too braggadocios. :) When I made him, there were a couple of goals I wanted to accomplish... Obviously, just finally do ME3 with a MShep.  I did ME1 and ME2 with one even longer ago, but I romanced Liara in those and I really wanted to see a MShenko romance, to see the more gradual “Hey let’s get together” in ME3 instead of the “let’s reaffirm our relationship” like with my FemShep.  I also wanted to do a more renegade playthrough, since it’s been many years since I did my Femshep Shakarian Renegade playthrough.  He is still the “I’m nice to my crew, and I’ll try a diplomatic approach but my tolerance for bullshit is near zero.”  And last, I’m just gonna wear a bunch of the dumb armors I almost never wear and just try and do things different in other ways than my main FemShep. Since the next time I do a full trilogy playthrough, it’ll be with my canon femshep in the Legacy and there may not be the possibility of mods then, I wanted a heavily modded run to see all the mods again, plus the improvements since my last ME3 playthrough about a year and a half ago.  So this time I’m playing with:

Lights Effect as the FX mod

Girl Plays Game Hair Mods as DLC (Maleshep’s ”Macho” is the specific hair mod.)

Project Variety, which, btw means no Thanemod or Backoff. because they’re incompatible.  Project Variety adds SO MUCH to the game, several of which are highlighed in the screenshots above.

Expanded Galaxy Mod (I have no idea how I can ever play without this mod again, gonna make the LE playthrough so hard and bland.)

Spectre Expansion Mod... also one I don’t ever want to live without in the future.

I have MEHEM installed because... yeah.  I still don’t feel like not having a happy ending.

So of course Citadel Epilogue Mod to close out the game.

ME3 Recalibrated to fix all the lore and errors that need fixing.

And Better Journal to make quest descriptions better.

Casual Outfits for MShep.  There’s also other new casual outfits installed for MShep and I don’t know where they came from, but I do love them. (See pics for more.)

Priority Earth Overhaul Mod to make the endgame even more epic.  The creator also made Immersive Thessia which is sadly incompatible with Project Variety so for now I’m not using this... maybe a future playthrough will swap out PJ for Immersive Thessia, ThaneMod and BackOff again.

Omega Hub for extra Omega content post Omega-DLC, really looking forward to seeing the improvements in this one.  It was just a fun 10-minute diversion last time I played through.

Ark Mod for extra missions that bridge the gap between ME3 and Andromeda.

Better Dreams for awesome and non-annoying dreaming... getting rid of The Kid as much as possible.

Alliance Warpack for more Companion outfits.

Citadel DLC Redone so most companions wear unique casual outfits during Citadel DLC

ME3 Opening Remaster to make those few seconds of the opening a little more epic.

Miranda Mod to have Miranda on the Normandy and give her cool stuff to do after Horizon.  Also if you’re a Miranda Romancer gives her a better ME3 romance.  Also better clothes.

Respawn - Mission Overhaul IDK why it’s hidden on the Nexus, but I had an old download I’m using.  Makes combat more difficult by giving the bad guys more varied powers.  A nice change of difficulty without making it crazy on normal.

Allers Redone to put Allers in a decent outfit.  Still don’t know if I’m going to bother talking to her, though I did put her on the ship.

A Lot Of Videos 4k - I’m a 4k gamer finally.... I want what I can make look good... look good.

I’m NOT using ALOT this time -- I didn’t want to not be able to easily fix things should some mod installation be wonky.  I figure the Legendary Edition is gonna be my big “Take ALL THE PRETTY SCREENSHOTS!!” time... this one is just for fun, and enjoying the mods and my pretty, pretty mShep.

Hey the new post editor SUCKS because I’ve run out of space for new paragraphs but I can add new bullet points.  Anyway, I’ll probably make a few more screenshot posts as I progress through the game.

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

(1/2)Follow up question from the anon who didnt like piv sex, how do I tell my future bfs abt this (girls I don’t think would care that much tbh), how do I deal with the response (like “have u tried” and such (I’m like 99,9% sure I’d hate it fam idk what to tell you)) and how do I find people who are sexually compatible with me. My communication skills are lvl -100 and all my relationships basically reach a dead end bc of this. Like what do I say that isn’t rude and aggressive. I don’t think

(2/2) I’ll ever be in a serious relationship bc of my inability to have this conversation and I usually self sabotage before I get to the stage where I have to worry abt it bc I’m 99% that the person won’t understand and I’m don’t wanna be pressured into sex so I just go the “i guess I’m just a bad person” route. (I do this w friendships sometimes too) obviously this is a me problem and a mental health problem but have an idea of what to say usually helps me start conversations

You probably already know all the “you don’t have to do sex stuff that you’re uncomfortable with” shebang so I’m gonna skip that and go straight to your actual concerns.

First of all there are cis men who don’t mind not having piv sex. My cis male partner and I never had piv (for other reasons than yours but still…) but we have sex in many different other ways and it’s okay for the both of us. Yes, a lot of (straight) cis men think piv is the only real type of sex but they are obviously idiots. However, queer cis men are usually much more open to other types of sex, so maybe you will find it easier to talk with queer men about this and figure out a way to have sex that both of you enjoy. Or, if you don’t want to have sex at all then there’s still ways to have relationships that don’t include sex - either you find a cute ace guy or you can find a non-monogamous agreement in which your partner can meet their sexual needs elsewhere. But findign these guys of course means you gotta be able to communicate what you’re looking for.

If you want to avoid running the risk of being pressured to try piv then be open about not wanting that up-front. If you are in the beginning of dating a guy and it’s getting closer to “might actually have sex together”-time then say “I like you and I guess this is when people usually go to bed together so I need you to know that I do not want to have piv sex. however, there’s other stuff I want to do and I hope that’s okay with you.” [or “I don’t want to have sex at all” depending on what’s the case with you]

If it isn’t okay with them then you two are incompatible. That might hurt to realise but it’s better to know that sooner rather than later or you doing something you don’t really want to.

Romantic relationships and sex aren’t a one-size-fits-all type of thing. It’s very individual and learning how to communicate what you need and want or don’t want to do are part of this process of learning how-to relationship. If you struggle with this then at least try to be honest about that on a meta level and say “I have trouble communicating my needs and boundaries”. Maybe all you need is a partner willing to literally ask you “are okay with this? are you okay witht hat?...”

If you have access to therapy then it could be helpful to tackle that issue there. You can also practice by trying to be more direct about your needs and boundaries in non-sexual situations, such as at work/school or with friends and family. If you learn to have agency over yourself there then you might be able to use that in sexual situations as well.

Maddie

[krustywhore]

ten thousand words ch. 10

whoomp can y’all believe i was gonna end this at 10 chapters yike (if y’all missed chapter 9, here u go)

anyway, hhh good luck not loving austin my dudes

check her out on ao3 here 

For weeks Race couldn’t get that night off his mind for two very different reasons.

One, it was one of the last times he and Spot were alone together that didn’t feel like Spot was terrified out of his mind the entire time. It broke Race’s heart, despite him telling himself that this was exactly what was going to happen from the beginning. He set himself up to be heartbroken, he knew it, but it still hurt like hell to know that, after that night, something happened that broke whatever amazing thing they had going.

And two, apparently someone liked him. Like, liked him.

A guy had shown up at his dorm room, told him Jack had given him his room number, and that he wanted to take him out for coffee. His name was Austin Newman, he was a sophomore with a world history major who grew up in Maine, and Race liked him.

He couldn’t sign more than the alphabet he learned in grade school, but he had more patience than anyone Race had ever met as he took the time to write down everything he needed to say in a little notebook Race had started carrying around since their first date.

He had a car, which was great considering the closer it got to winter, the harder it was for Race to breathe after an embarrassingly short amount of exertion.

And they went for coffee before Austin’s early morning practices on Fridays. Austin would pick him up and they’d go to a little coffee shop a block away from his practice field and then Race would sit on the bleachers and watch his hot pitcher kinda-boyfriend.

That wasn’t Spot.

Yeah, every time he went to bed, he’d see a framed selfie he took with Spot that night on the rooftop beside his bed, but then he’d open up his phone and see a picture of Austin at his latest baseball game.

He didn’t love him. Hell, they weren’t even dating, but he liked being with Austin. Moreso, he decided, than he liked being with Spot while Spot was with Isabel.

Oh, that and he had to come out to Spot. That wasn’t hard, per say, it was really just the way that Spot reacted that really stuck in his head. He looked almost relieved. Sure, maybe he had thought something bad was going to happen when Race had sent him a cryptic “we need to talk” text, but it looked like more. Sure, Race gave up overthinking it after a few days, but Spot definitely didn’t.

But he had Austin to keep him busy.

Austin, who liked Lord of the Rings and could drink a dozen cups of coffee a day and still be tired as hell. Austin, who didn’t like holding hands because he was self-conscious about his long-ass legs and worried he would walk to fast for Race to catch up. Besides, he preferred keeping his hand in the boy’s back pocket like all of the old John Hughes movies he pretended to hate.

It was a pretty fucking amazing month and, as much as he doubted it was possible at first, he realized maybe he didn’t need Spot around as much as he thought he did.

Spot Conlon was fucking miserable.

After about a month or so of practically ignoring Race entirely, he broke it off with Isabel. Or, more accurately, she broke up with him.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it. He even skipped his class with Race for the first time just so he wouldn’t have to tell him they had broken up. In fact, the things she had said to him he couldn’t stop from repeating over and over in his head.

“You know what this is about, Sean,” She warned him. He nodded, sighing as he ran his hands through his hair.

It had been a while since he had cut it. Race told him he thought it looked nice longer. Isabel told him she missed his shaved sides.

“Yeah,” he groaned. “Yeah, I know.”

“I don’t wanna’ say I don’t like him because I know you do,” She continued.

Wait, what?

“What do you-” She interrupted him.

“He’s your new best friend or whatever, I get it, but I’m not like that with my friends, Sean,” She kept going. Spot felt trapped. “I would never trade time with you for time with them. I’m sorry, I just wouldn’t. They’re my sisters and I love them, but I love you, Sean.”

He nodded, dragging his hands down his face as he sat down at the end of her bed.

“I know, we spent a lot of time together at the beginning of the year, it’s just…” He trailed off. “You know I never really did the whole ‘friend’ thing growing up. I guess I just don’t know how to figure out a good balance, Iz.”

She nodded, crossing her arms over her chest. Spot couldn’t tell if she looked convinced or not.

“You love him too, don’t you?” He froze.

“What?”

She scoffed, brushing the hair away that had fallen into her face. Spot could see her eyes watering.

“I know you love me. I can see it whenever I look at you,” she spoke, almost like a whisper. “But you love him too. I don’t even need to look at you to see that.”

“Iz, you know I don’t-”

“The way you love me isn’t the same way you love him, Sean. I know that,” She finished.

“Thank you, I was worried you thought I-”

“You’re not in love with me.”

Her words hung in the air for longer than either of them would like to admit. Spot couldn’t bring himself to look up once he heard her start sniffling.

“I know I have a piece of your heart, Sean. I know I have since I met you. You’ve never needed to tell me that,” She paused. “But you’re not in love with me. He has that part of your heart now.”

And deep down maybe he knew she was right. He hadn’t been in love with her for a long time. They had changed so much over the years and it was about time they noticed, maybe it wasn’t for the better.

Looking back on their relationship, it was almost obvious. He legitimately couldn’t understand how they had been together for over two years at that point. They were so freakishly incompatible, yet they were so happy for so long. He loved her. He knew there was a time back when they first met where he thought they’d be together forever. It seemed like such a novel idea now. Spending the rest of his life with someone? Getting married? Maybe even having kids? It was almost like he’d just realized that could very realistically happen in the coming years. He was twenty-one, newly single, and living in the greatest city in the world. He could find a girlfriend if he really wanted to.

But maybe he didn’t want to.

But , Race had a boyfriend now.

Oh, and also maybe a different guy would be okay too.

It was three weeks after their first date that Austin finally got his shit together and asked Race to be his boyfriend. And Race said yes.

It had been three days since Race told Spot the good news. And Spot told Race his. Race had made sure not to talk much about Austin and, for the first time since that night on the roof, they stayed up in Race’s dorm until the early hours of the morning, only moving from their comfortable Netflix-binging position to watch the sunrise from Race’s shitty window the size of a sheet of paper.

It was as if the weeks in between that night and this one had never happened. Race was okay with that. Spot wasn’t sure if he was.  All he knew was that as they watched the sun come up that morning, all he could think about was that if they could go back to that night on the roof, he would’ve kissed him right then and there. And that was definitely a novel idea.

[6ad6ro]

let's talk about this idea of incels for a sec. i'm gonna do my best to not make a single insulting remark here. and i'm oversimplifying gender and sexuality like crazy since incels tend to be cis men. so anyways incels are ppl (men) who wanna have sex, but believe women just won't let them, right? they feel somehow their personalities make them incompatible with girls. okay.

most ppl? just view that rejection as a period of loneliness rather than defining themselves by it. when you grow up, you realise that most ppl want romantic partners. or at least an emotionally comparable variant. it's rly not hard to meet ppl. you just get out there. be nice n considerate. honest. accept things don't always work out and realise it's not the world against you. you just keep looking. meet people and let things happen naturally.

TLDR: incels are just toxic, extremist versions of the guys who used to bring up "friendzoning", and fz was never real. girls don't actually have an easier time dating than guys. it isn't women doing this to you, but rather the fault of patriarchy and the dudes in charge. you can change! just stop with this silliness because it's making things way worse for you!

i'm not particularly attractive, especially now that i'm older. i don't have a lot of money. i'm rly not interesting. i have a ton of personality baggage and flaws. hell, i'm agoraphobic and sorta like a western hikikomori. it's rly hard for me to meet people even online. and yet, when i DO get out there? i wind up in relationships or flings or flirty friendships. bc that's just how it works.

you have to meet ppl and develop a relationship to have... the physical parts of a relationship. life isn't porn. or harem anime. people have brains and feelings. and everybody has preferences. that person who you think is perfect for you? maybe they just weren't looking for someone like you. it isn't cruel of them to have their own opinions.

i mean honestly i don't think a single one of you incels would fuck just anybody. you guys have preferences too. are you sure if you didn’t open your eyes a bit wider that you couldn’t find someone? bc there are tons and tons of lonely ppl out there! the majority of ppl, actually. it's insane how many ppl are out there, right at this moment, who wish they had a sexual partner. go find them! be willing to have broader preferences! stop looking for someone who is "perfect" and look for someone who you can just be happy with!

okay so fine you say "well i'm ugly from societies standards". but... then why are you going after people who follow society's standards. as someone who constantly feels outcast in your life, shouldn’t that experience SHOW you that popular societal opinions are mostly frivolous? standards of beauty are fake? so if someone rejects you purely on that front (and this is a stretch bc everyone has valid personal pref), why isn't that a GOOD thing to you!? you aren't wasting your time on someone who harshly judges you based on unimportant things! you're filtering incompatible ppl out that way! it's all very natural.

okay lastly... i'm gonna bring up a part that could make me look bad. but i wanna be rly honest here. so women? do seem like they have an easier time meeting men. SEEM is the key word here, bc they actually don't. not really.

but girls who are willing to severely fall into the gender roles that patriarchal society forces upon them? yeah. they do. as long as they're fairly "attractive". and willing to spend a ton of time TRYING to be attractive. ESP if they're a bit aggressive themselves. thanks to awful patriarchy, typical gender roles have men chasing women like predators after prey. i won't get into ALL the extensive, rapey issues that involves bc that isn't my point here.

tho i mean how is that any different than a guy doing similar role stuff like "working out/making money/acting cool"?? if you really wanna meet the kinds of girls who fall into typical gender roles, you gotta do the same thing? i don't think this will make ppl happy... but if you wanna play games with ppl, you gotta play within the same dumb rules!

but back to my point, girls that let themselves be chased easily find themselves with guys more often. bc in patriarchy typically the guy has to initiate. girls like that are being reactive. so from a naive male perspective, it can look like "they get any guy they want". no. they're just saying yes to the guys they like of whatever pool of guys who are going after them. if they aren't chasing guys directly, how can they be directly rejected out of the gate?

let's look at it this way: a guy chases after 20 girls he kinda likes over a few years. 5 respond positively back. it prob seems like he only has 25% success w women and is usually failing, right? whereas a girl gets hit on by 20 guys over the same period, but says yes to 5 of them. so she's getting an "100% success rate" there, since she only wanted that 5. she wasn't chasing anyone. to guys it looks like they WORK for women, but women just win the lottery with guys? no. absolutely wrong. that is objectively incorrect.

you aren't incorporating all the guys they rly want. or how often they just "go with it". how often do you hear stories of girls wanting a guy and winding up w their friend instead? girls actually typically play within a pool of disappointment rather than chasing ideals. it's not literally disappointment tho? it's just being realistic. they play with the cards they're dealt.

there are TONS of girls who don't wanna spend so much of their lives playing that game tho. who DON'T wanna live within the confines of being a trophy. or if they aren't naturally lucky enough to be "pretty" by default, who aren't willing to spend 75% of their day compensating for that. those girls? aren't surrounded by guys. often single. often lonely until they get older and find someone they're mutually compatible with. bc that's another thing most guys don't see?

the only girls "worth" going after are the "appealing/easy" prey. or "white whales" where they just hope they'll get lucky. men aren't aggressively going after the chubby girl who wears reg clothes and doesn't actively try to look "sexy". they aren't drawn to girls who aren't giving them that playful "come get me" attitude. to them, they see that girl as "just a friend". or a " last resort". or "maybe a lesbian". it's fucking gross.

you might be like "well i know girls like that who have TONS of sex so"... have you seen the levels of desperation stereotypically "unattractive" girls like that have to stoop too? let me tell you, i meet these girl's bf and they're often total scumbags. they're scraping the bottom if the barrel. are you sure these girls haven't stooped to total desperation due to so many years of being overlooked when they acted normally? or ask yourself, were they ever TRULY "unattractive/unappealing" in the first place? u sure you don't just have weird standards??

btw can i point out? the tradeoff? the utter lack of power and choice girls have in this system? girls have to be born pretty and actively attractive with a sexy personality at all times. guys just need to have a moderate amount of money and be occasionally considerate. girls have to be sex objects whereas guys can be just people. bald, fat, somewhat unattractive guys are seen as normal but if a girl looked like that? she'd be perceived as a monster.

as a male working within gender roles you have the freedom to go after as many girls as you want without issue or disrespect. nobody is gonna call you a "slut" for trying to meet many girls. the list goes on and on. why are you mad at girls when you were "born winning"? you are more likely to live a happier life being alone than a girl would constantly being with someone. you should be grateful you aren't them... not mad at them.

but anyways... all this stuff? is super gross. weird toxic shit. it makes sense you would be lonely and angry when you don't wanna play by these rules. or change yourself to be more "appealing". but... why are you getting mad at girls?!?!? why blame women?? shouldn't you be mad at the source? patriarchy. society. gender roles. capitalism. look at who's running the show. bc it isn't the women you're mad at. or "the sjws". it's men in power.

you're seeing your lawn die in the summer sun and getting mad at the grass for daring to dry out. so you go out and stomp on the lawn. instead of using that anger and that energy to water it or give it shade. what are you thinking!? use that "logic" you guys are so proud of and actually try and solve the issue instead of throwing a moral temper tantrum. you talk about girls "bein so overly emotional" but what the heck do you think you're doing here right now?? stop trying to find an easy cheat solution and FIX the problem!

nobody should resort to violence about this stuff, but if you WERE gonna get violent, why isn't it at the people who structured your sexual prison? rather than the girls you wanna convince to fuck you? do you really want a world where girls fuck you out of fear? bc that's rape. would YOU be happy being raped? don't wish for an even rapier world. don't be so stupid and naive. rapey patriarchy is the cause of all your issues to begin with. this is the exact opposite if what you want.

honestly this incel thing just seems like an extremist offshot of the old "friend zone" argument. very similar to how gamergate warped into literal alt-right nazis. it's gross and absurd and you depressed, confused guys are being manipulated. you aren't thinking. please seek therapy or a wider perspective? if you hate feeling lonely and ashamed, why would you wear that shame like a badge of honor? just stop. spread happiness instead and you'll start to receive it back. you can change! it's that simple! it's okay!!!

[junkartie]

Say no more, here i go

First of all in this essay i will be discluding all of the problematic boomer humor. While some of the jokes r funny some simply made me roll my eyes and therefore im not gonna touch on their nature when judging the main characters relationships. (Looking @ u marshall, damn)

First lets talk about our main character, Ted. This Character is no where as bad as R*ss from friends, but he gives off very similar vibes. I get what they were going for, quirky nice guy, hopeless romantic but most of the time he just comes off as... creepy. Desperate. And throughout his search for the perfect wife that fits literally all his standards he somehow never lets go off his crush on Robin, frankly it gets super annoying after a point. I remember him dating Victoria and cheating on her with Robin AND LYING to BOTH of them about it. The whole series is BUILT ON them getting together and breaking up. This is literally a constant in this series and it gets sO annoying. The main conflict in every season feels like Ted eventually having to dig through his feelings for Robin and it NEVER works out. Its just annoying and i cant take his feelings for any other woman seriously because of it. Im quite literally convinced that throughout every relationship hes had, if Robin swooped in and told him to “drop that mf” hed do it and it makes the whole thing feel so disingenuous.

Now lets talk about Barney. First of all hes my favorite character and yea hes yknow... like that. But i loved his character devellopment and i really appreciated that whenever he had geniune feelings for someone hed treat his partner pretty well. Ever since it was revealed he had feelings for robin the whole relationship just felt... organic. It didnt feel rushed like every single time Ted and Robin got together. It felt like watching a middle schooler develloping a crush and eventually going out with them and honestly? It was cute. I loved the dynamic they had even as friends and you really got to see how well they got along during the last season. I HATE how their whole relationship was doubted because of the STUPID locket scene where ted ONCE AGAIN made things weird. Like it felt like a poor excuse to put “ROBIN MAY HAVE FEELINGS FOR TED” in the viewers face.

Now let me get this straight. I fucking hate Ted x Robin. They dont get along. They keep breaking up because they are incompatible in the long run. I really wanna touch on the fact that she NEVER wanted kids and Ted DESPERATELY wanted kids. Robin never wanted to really settle down and it was all Ted really ever talked about. The whole scene where Robin confideces in Barney about how she cant have kids and he just hugs her? Immaculate. How they make a concious effort to grow together? Amazing. Theyre both spontaneous and outgoing and never planned on settling down yet found comfort in just being together and i absolutely loved that.

Now lets talk about the ending. This is the whole reason im writing the longest post ive ever made. This pissed me off so bad that i dropped everythinf to hyperanalize a series with some of the most cringeworthy jokes ive ever heard. Ted finally finds his wife, his true love. We barely get to meet her but shes such a likeable character that you get attached to her immediately. I loved Tracy and she seemed like the perfect fit for ted. Honestly she seemed almost mary sue-ish but yknow, whatever. Its only fitting that our main nice guy dates this seemingly perfect woman. Idc. You watch a whole season thats being dragged out for way longer than it should be allowed to but yknow whatever. Robin and Barney are happy, Ted is forming a relationship that looks promising, lilly and marshall are doing whatever idk. Happy ending. Maybe underwhelming but still pretty ok. The Mom ends up being nice and everyone else seems glad.

THEN?? IN THE LAST EPISODE? They just kill off the mother. What the fuck. What the ACTUAL fuck. And as if this wasnt bad enough??? Robin and Barney get divorced and Robin ends up with TED?!?!!! TED WHO HAS KIDS???? HOW DOES THIS WORK. HOW IS ROBIN GOING ALONG WITH THIS. WHAT HAPENNED TO HER AND BARNEY? I hated this ending. Imagine your dad is telling you about how he met your now deceased mother but it ends up being a means to justify dating your aunt. What the fuck????????? AND AS IF THIS ISNT BAD ENOUGH, Barney ends up going straight back to his ways. All character devellopment he had during the last few seasons is just thrown straight into the trash. And for WHAT? Ted and Robin getting back together AGAIN? The show has done this SO many times, why should their relationship work out this time? Did Ted just never get over his feelings for Robin? It made me lump Tracy in with all the other women Ted would have dropped in a heartbeat if Robin told him to. It was such a poor ending and the writing was absolute shit. Did Robin just see Ted as a plan B? And what the fuck did the show mean by robin was “waiting for him”? Like we clealry established that Robin did not love him during sometime in season 8(7?) where she sits him down and tells him straight up.

The whole thing is sloppy. It pisses me off. I dont even like the show. I cant stand most the characters. I hate Lilly with the might of a thousand suns, marshall is annoying, ted is TED, robin also becomes unbearable. Barney is written off as comic relief in the end. I hate this show. Boomers should not be allowed to make comedy shows. I revoke their fucking rights.

Not to talk about How I Met Your Mother on main but the ending was so bad and it completely threw away every piece of character devellopment Barney had within the last few seasons because “nice guy get girl”. In this essay i will-

[identitycris1s]

so this is the new year

im finally taking time to sit down and reflect on the past few months. the new year came and went and its been a bit of a whirlwind. i suppose i’ll just go by chronological order cos i dont really know how to start...also i dont think im an abstract thinker so really my life isnt ordered by “themes” or “lessons” or whatever but i sort of think of it in terms of events and the epiphanies or lessons that flow therefrom. this is probably just gonna be a stream of consciousness exposition cos im lazy to organise my thoughts and this is basically my journal so WHATEVER!

November

X told me he liked me and asked me out. i was shocked. but sort of saw it coming (what else could “r u free after lunch, i have some stuff to say” mean...LOL). i reacted awkwardly - distinctly remember saying “huh..what does that MEAN!!!” (LOL) i told him i would think about it but could probably only give him an answer after part b was over. 

tbh this was probably just me stalling for time. i think instinctively i knew that i didnt see him in that way, but he seemed to tick so many boxes in terms of who i was “supposed” to be with - that sounds dumb, but what i mean is he’s a steadfast christian, a good boy, similar values, similar tastes in music / movies / books, same bloody industry LOL...

also he seemed really serious about it - ermmm he brought up marriage on that first day :0 ok i suppose thats unfair and it sounds insane without context - he said it with reference to how dating is always with a view to marriage which i do agree with but yes it was a lot to absorb in one conversation. and then he cracked out this book about dating and marriage and i was like woah. so, given how much thought he seemed to have put into this (he also said he chatted with his CG leader about me yikes) i felt obliged to at least think it through properly and give myself some time to consider rather than immediately rejecting him. 

and so i mulled it over whilst studying for part b. he was overseas for a while towards the end of my studying period (ie when i was freaking out the most and generally being a headless chicken) and this probably contributed to me feeling like i liked him more than i really did hmm wonder what this says about me. i like to feel like someone’s out of my reach i suppose. so fucked up lol! and so during this period we were texting everyday and i would look forward to his replies and he was a real source of comfort during that stressful period and i never told him this and i probably never will. 

December

exams were over and i had to face D DAY!! so i went to meet him to give him my answer and honestly even on that day i didnt know what my answer was. we met at BTM and he literally had written down a list of things to talk about and i think in that moment i knew this probably wouldnt work out. hes so damn thoughtful about every little thing and he thinks everything through and even though he seems to think he “doesnt take things too seriously” I THINK HE DOES...and i really dont...so i felt that showed how incompatible we were. its not a bad thing to be thoughtful. its just that i felt so pressured by how seriously he was taking things...i thought “trying this out” would be casual and chill and we would just hang out as if we were friends but with this overarching agenda of potentially being together but no his conception of “trying things out” is much more intense and serious and thought out and in his words “intentional”. which i realised is some christian dating jargon haha.

dinner was normal until he cracked out that list i was talking about. then he started talking about what he wanted out of a relationship and asked me what i wanted out of a relationship. like it was a damn interview. you know what, im saying this in a really condescending tone and i wouldnt ever be this hurtful if i knew he was gonna read this - in fact i really do think this kind of approach would suit many people and perhaps a more emotionally well adjusted person would think this was normal but i felt so bombarded and i really didnt know what to say in response. so i blurted out some nonsense about wanting to be with someone who was God fearing and “kind and compassionate” and “ambitious” LMAO...what bullshit (that last one i mean). and he had clearly thought out his answers a lot more and he went on a whole spiel about wanting to be with someone who could stand on their own as a christian and who he didnt have to “drag along” on their walk with God and i was like ok cool but i think im not that...im not what youre looking for...but of course i didnt say this. idk why. maybe i enjoy being wanted and sought after and i didnt want to shatter his illusion that i was what he was looking for, even though i was kinda seeing that he wasnt what i was looking for.

anyway, being the shitty person i am, i told him it wasnt a no but it wasnt a straight out yes either i.e. i would be willing to try with a view to potentially saying yes. and we left it at that. but even as i said bye to him that night i kinda knew this wasnt gonna work...but i wanted it to! i wanted to like him! i want to be the kind of person who can accept love from a well adjusted person who’s not afraid to be real and to take things seriously...but i suppose i have some emotional growth to work on...or is it perfectly valid for me to not want to be with him? tbh i never found him attractive (physically or even personality wise oops) - he doesnt make me laugh, hes kinda too uptight, he doesnt get my jokes (i have to be like “JUST KIDDING” a lot of the time..ded) but somehow we worked as friends. but to be with someone requires something more than just working as friends doesnt it?? ack

so we met a few times in dec (i think we went on four or five “dates” in total...im so reluctant to call them dates cos throughout i just couldnt see him in that light, but thats what they were i think) and through the course of our interactions i started picking up on things that i didnt like about him / about our interactions. this sounds awfully petty and i dont wanna be mean about this cos im sure i have MANY MANY MANY flaws that one could nit pick but these were just some signs that we would not work (quite apart from my lack of physical attraction to him)

1. our conversations always end up argumentative. i think this probably stems from both of us being law students and so whenever we disagree on something we both cant seem to fucking let it go. i distinctly remember one stupid conversation, i shall put it here (not verbatim but this is the gist of it)

X: what are your new years resolutions?

S: i dont like making new years resolutions because they always end up in disappointment because i never stick to them. 

X: but disappointment isnt always a bad thing because you can learn from it and improve from there

S: yes but that doesnt mean disappointment isnt a bad thing - cos disappointment in itself is bad (like duh the feeling of disappointment is bad) but what comes after disappointment can be good or bad i.e. you can choose to work on yourself and improve or you can wallow in the disappointment.

-some more argument and confusion about what we are even talking about-

S: ok lets not argue on this its a semantic point. 

X: is it semantic? its not semantic.

S: it is semantic. we are disagreeing on what the word disappointment means. i think it is necessarily negative but you are saying that disappointment isnt always negative because of what can come after but i think thats sidestepping the point of disappointment being negative in itself.

do you see what i mean. what kind of petty argument is this? whats the damn point? of course im definitely not blameless in this at all. i perpetuate it. but what im saying is i feel like talking to him brings out this argumentative side of me that im not a fan of. also its fucking exhausting haha.

2. he is so. fucking. serious. every conversation involves some heavy thing like spirituality or self evaluation or Godliness etc. which i suppose is good but i just found it tiring...why cant things be light? why cant things be fun? why do we always have to talk about *important* or *weighty* things? tbh i think he sorta compartmentalises me as a friend whom he can talk about these *weighty* things with cos im also a christian and i get what hes saying when he talks about God but i dont want to only talk about that...

3. we dont have similar senses of humour. i dont think he thinks im funny...but i think im bloody funny ok haha also i dont think im deluded on this? my friends think im funny too? yeah i think its a major problem that we cant really laugh together...hes not someone that makes me laugh at all :( 

ok enough bashing X haha i really do think hes a great person we are just NOT compatible romantically.

ANYWAYS! sometime in dec i also met up w SM for the first time in aaaages. but things were like normal again. sounds stupid but i think ill always think of him as the one who got away LOL....emotionally unavailable and not interested in me?? IM DOWN! haha. ok hes not emotionally unavailable tbh i probably was more emotionally unavailable in the course of our friendship but he defo never really expressed any interest in me other than always hanging out one on one but that doesnt really count for anything does it. anyways! he told me about his BTO plans and im honestly v happy for him :) friends r growing up and moving on in life mang..

sad part was i dropped avo toast on my new everlane pants and that honestly ruined my day lol

January

NYE was spent w S and some of her friends plus R and A (who went home after dinner cos of family drama lmao angie is siao) - we went to AL’s fam friends party at fullerton for countdown and the fireworks were amaaaazing, lasted about an hour (which made us question the budget allocation on this tbh isnt it a bit of a waste?? fireworks are insanely expensive??) and we promptly went home after the clock struck 12 which was perfect haha i have no stamina to stay out late anymore. 

work started on 2 jan! its been fun tbh - back with the trainees and meeting some new people and using my brain again. i like feeling useful and being stuck in a routine...at least for now haha. check in on me in about 3 months and we’ll see. 

and....i finally mustered up the courage to tell X the truth ie i didnt see this going anywhere and we should just be friends. we had kind of an awkward dinner (i could feel myself being rude to him and being dismissive etc but i think it could partially be attributed to me being tired from work..but mostly cos i didnt wanna be with him!! as a romantic partner!! it felt wrong!) and so i told him after dinner otw to the mrt (funny, we always have these convos otw to the mrt haha). he said he understood and he sort of felt it coming. and i felt bad - he mustve picked up on my coldness and rudeness over text and in our meetings also...why am i like this. i shouldve been up front with him on the first day. but i didnt know!!! i didnt know for sure this is how i felt. ahhh well u live and u learn right. next time ill be better at this. hope theres a next time LOL God pls send me someone whos right for me

ok bye for now! this was a lengthy post haha

[thejgatsbykid]

never apologize for giving me an opportunity 2 hate the borntes.... but u opened w/ a point where i gotta disagree bc while i know that often Jane Eyre gets classified as gothic and u can see the places where Charlotte took influence from the gothic, i don’t wanna say it is gothic. i was just glancing at a couple articles and one of them described jane eyre as “interacting with” several genres and i would say that yes this bad book does interact with the gothic, in that it certainly does show me that Charlotte read some gothic novels she enjoyed, and took too much of her sister Emily’s advice when writing her book, but not that charlotte was writing much of a gothic herself. and maybe my expectations for gothic lit are a smidge lofty, bc my prototypical gothic novel is The Monk which is one of THE most fucked up books i’ve ever read and absolutely fantastic, but imo Charlotte’s application of gothic tropes is inconsistent and shoddy enough that it feels disrespectful to gothic novels to stick it with them, even partially. the thing u mentioned about how Jane gets a happily ever after is one of my points of contention with “Jane Eyre is in part a gothic novel” and my other primary one (bc i’m sure i could come up w/ more if I took the time to re-engage w/ the book, which i won’t) is the way she implements the supernatural, bc i mentioned previously how the dream sequence bringing Jane back to Rochester is, shall we say, Dumb As Shit, but it’s also just another way that the second half of the novel betrays and undermines the first. bc defense of Jane Eyre as a gothic will present the phenomenon of Bertha as the explained supernatural, and that’s fine and I would be cool with that if not for the stupid dream. because, like, if everything else that seems supernatural in your novel has been explained by secret victimized wife bullshit, you can’t just have this ONE deus ex dream and be like “it’s a mystery! it’s supernatural!” no! the paradigm u have established is that this is a book where the spooky mysterious stuff is just PEOPLE and ur betraying your own lore here! beyond that there just... isn’t much gothic about it? like i’d be okay w classifying the part of the book where she’s at Rochester’s house (Thorndike? i think that’s what it’s called) as gothic and having it be a funky little microcosm if not for the dumb dream

like i think i should make clear that part of why i’m SO mad about jane eyre is that i LOVED the first half of it, i was so picking up what was being put down when she was at school, and in retrospect i love it pretty much right up through the part where she meets st-john? i don’t have a particular place where i start being mad abt how it goes but i’m just so INCENSED that charlotte is completely blind to her own failure bc this idiot rly thinks it was a good idea having Jane go BACK to rochester after everything he did to display why he Was NOT the kind of man she should have been marrying!! like i said i would almost want to classify it as a tragedy (in the sense that the characters are worse off than they started) if the first half hadn’t been so clearly gearing towards a happy ending! like Charlotte sis do u really not see the parallel of Jane’s situation at the beginning and end of the book?? she’s just as trapped in a toxic situation w/ Rochester as she was w/ her family (the Reeds? i think the Reeds) at the beginning of the book! i h8 jane eyre bc if u slice it up u get a pretty good (unfinished) coming of age novel, and inside that u get a good spooky gothic story, and apart from that u get a tragedy where Jane starts out in a good situation w family that supports her emotionally and economically but chooses to go back to her dickbag ex-employer and be miserable for the rest of  her life, but Charlotte is like “i can definitely combine all these disparate and incompatible elements into one book and they won’t completely fuck each other up and make it an inconsistent dumpster fire at all!”

i don’t have any expansion on ur “emily is racist” comment except to say Yea Tru!!!

charlotte bronte rly thinks her books have romantic passion in them when they’re really just filled w overwrought bullshit w zero substance. the maxim i learned  for writing romance was that characters shouldn’t need to say “i love you” for it to be clear, but the brontes are bringing me The Exact Opposite, like the worst fanfic i ever wrote as a 10 yr old kid, where they think that characters saying “i love you” is enough for the audience to just accept that there’s a romance there. if ur character says “i love you” and my response is “wait, WHAT??” (@ EMILY) then u did romance bad!!!!!

the one thing i think emily did right was the “whatever souls are made of his and mine are the same” bc yea they are both equally horrible people who definitely deserve each other bc nobody else is fundamentally evil enough to have earned the kind of eternal misery that being married to either of them would be

while normally i try to keep my anti-charlotte + emily bronte feelings either on the DL or in the tags, today this is a Bronte Hate Blog (except not Anne, anne is an angel and we’re thrilled she’s here) bc I was picking out Austen criticism books to start building my independent study and at least two of them included a quote from Charlotte Bronte about how Jane Austen knows nothing about love bc there’s no ~passion~ in her writing (paraphrasing) and like, i have never wanted to physically fight a dead woman so much in my life? shut up charlotte you incompetent weirdo Jane Austen can display truly and deeply felt romantic love more effectively and convincingly in a single LETTER in one of her books than you and emily can in everything you wrote combined, it’s one thing for you to be bad at writing and me have to read yr garbage for a grade but to DISRESPECT jane austen??? to act as if u have ever written a single even halfway believable depiction of love despite all the “passion” u think ur portraying?? Jane Eyre has about as much romance in it as one of those dumb 2006 scene kid youtube rps. i hate you.