#and they didnt block me or anything so i assume they dont like. hate me lol

[nightmare8-420]

i feel like a part of my soul has been ripped from my chest and i dont know why.

[felidthing]

a while ago i made copies of all my older siblings spotify playlists and it is so crazy to shuffle these and be like OH SHIT i remember this song from the car or they played it on the stereo in their room or something. i havent talked to them properly in a long time and the last time i saw them was briefly last christmas which is why i did this weird playlist stealing like we broke up or something

[eofoc]

day 9: relationships (part 1)

Ange & Juliet - platonic, half-siblings

Ange & Yuze (angeyuze 🌿🌊) - romantic

Mischa & Orifiel (orimischa 🗝️🦢) - romantic; art credits: first, second

Juliet & Roselyn (roseliet 🌹🕯️) - complicated; art credits: first, second

AAAHAGHG MY FAV DAY!!!!! prepare for a crazy CRAZY EXTENSIVE infodump (under the cut) ...

edit: i feel like this is already a long ass post so tbh. i might just reblog with a description of the other two (🗝️🦢+🌹🕯️) at a later time :]

idk if i need to say this but i hate incest. please block me if you engage in any sort of incest media / fiction. my ocs siblings relationship are strictly platonic

💚🧸 ill start with the siblings because they make me a bit crazy i cant lie. they are half-siblings!! juliets dad died when she was very very young (a baby basically) so she grew up with her step-father (ange's father)... she didnt really gaf about him at all though because she was mommys girl . amen

when they were younger, ange and juliet got along really well!!!! juliet loved playing the role of an older sister and she liked dragging ange around ... they also played togetjer a lot :3 but like. gradually they started getting more into their studies and all .... their parents were getting more and more antagonistic towards each other so they began piting the kids against each other as well. #divorce

as a kid ange viewed juliet as some sort of a. higher figure... something beyond his reach... a kind and silly and funny angel and the only person who treated him right honestly. so when he assumed that juliet has betrayed yuze and had his parents killed . his world Lowkey literally crumbled. i think he realized at that time that shes just a human person and can Also make mistakes.

their relationship got a bit strained because ange started to isolate himself Hard. and juliet is a naturally pushy person when it comes to others so it did make her frustrated when he wouldnt tell her anything or talk to her... wah...... ange was also being ostracized by society because of his father :( juliet tried to throw parties and warm others up to him and she was like. just act nice okay. but it failed lowkey because hes a bit of an asshole sometimes

they had a big fight over that and stopped speaking like.. at all...... ange thought juliet was setting him up and exposing him to people that dont like him when all she did was try to fix his image and reputation... whatever okay.

i also want to say theyre very similar in a lot of aspect!!! both mask their emotions to a crazy degree, usually with a smile or with humor... both kind of try to appeal to people as much as they can, but in different ways? ange mostly wants people to see him as stupid and non-threatening (opposite of his father) and juliet wants people to see her as pitiful and hard-working. they are also both mildly suicidal BUT ange is like -> i have no purpose so i should kms vs. juliet being like -> kms is the only way to escape the purpose i have in life

🌿🌊 ohhh the doomed yaoi... they make me super super sickly.... i talked about their childhood like 93849 times so . well. idk if i should do it Again . However

theyre like. childhood friends to one-sided enemies to lovers . in their childhood years yuze and ange met when yuze was helping his parents with tailoring clothes and yuze helped him out a bit (ange was afraid to speak up and yuze noticed it...) and so it began. ange kind of even in his childhood clung to yuze a lot because it seemed like he was the only one who understood him and his troubles. like even to a bigger degree than juliet could. to yuze . well he didnt think too much about it . like childhood friend yay :)

then the whole FIASCO happened. yuze jumped through 9328 mental hoops and as a 10 year old the only logical thing that made sense was that ange had something to do with the death of his parents. poor ange lost his only friend, his dad was executed and his mama now hated him more than ever and forbid juliet from meeting with him. so they were both going through it .

and then when they meet again they are literally . two different people . its like meeting a fuckign stranger because of how much theyve changed and that drives me a bit crazy. ange is hurt by the resentment yuze seems to hold for him.... yuze is like damn i have to kill this guy (he doesnt Really hide it...) but he finds out how suicidal ange is and hes like. :/. i dont like you but dont do that actually jesus christ youve had it rough. and then he finds out that ange didnt have anything to do with his parents after all and the GUILT that kicks in is crazy. and then more stuff happens (Heh

[theshiftingwitch]

heyy wsp, (slight tw)

I have been trying to shift for around 4 years now, but have been taking breaks because I had heavy mental problems. I tried to shift there too, but yk, not really motivated. Tho I didnt care abt my cr, what was like "letting go" of it, I assume?, it didnt work out for me. I truly believe in shifting, I mean why would so many people lie? And look at the universe there are fcking black holes with no explanation, and astral projecting is proven too (or atleast many believe in it and experienced it) so why not shifting? Now, I feel motivated to shift, but I cant ignore the 3d like I used to. I always hear something and I KNOW its from my cr, because in my dr its complete silence. I cant seem to convince my subconcious mind to believe that I AM able to shift. I know I am standing in my way, but how not to? I mean, yeah everyone is able to shift but all i ever was able to do is get close. I know, thats much in a way, but I never woke up in my dr, no matter how much I "hated" my cr. My logical side is always saying in the back of my head "girl, not today." no matter how hard I try, I always end up here. Tho once i shifted to a paralel reality, its never a completely diffrent one, yk? I truly do not want to be here anymore, I DO want to shift, I DO want to be in my dr. I DO want things to change. But idk whats stopping me. Even when I didnt give a single fck abt this cr, I still was "stuck". No matter how often I say "I have already shifted" my thoughts just drift off and I am just soo exhausted. I just wanna experience it, even if its just a one time thing. I know I can return at any time, so I dont think I am scared. And if its gonna happen anyway, how can I be scared of shifting or success in general? Do my mental problems stop me or smth? Because if so, I cant wait till they are fixed gah damn. I know I can do it, I know I AM able to shift, I mean I aint nothing special, why would I be the ONLY one not beeing able to shift?? But, how do I make my Subconcous believe in myself?

Sorry for ranting, I am just so confused and I hope you got some ideas?

Thanks in advance <3

Nothing is stopping you from shifting. You are not stuck here, your mental problems are not keeping you from shifting, you don't need to convince your brain or your subconscious of anything, you can and you will shift.

If I may, I want to suggest a little modification to your methods. It is common knowledge in the law of assumption community that you do not need a method to shift, so sitting down closing your eyes and doing whatever method you can think of to try and shift is not necessary, but if it's something that helps you, by all means feel free to continue doing it. However here's my suggestion, if you are trying sleep methods, you are too focused on what's happening before you fall asleep when you should be focusing on just falling asleep. It is called a sleeping method for a reason, you are supposed to fall asleep and then you wake up in your desired reality, whatever happens before is not a problem. You're hearing sounds and you cannot focus on visualizing your Dr? Not a problem. You're too anxious and too stressed? Not a problem. You can't stop your mind from overthinking? Not a problem. All you need to do is fall asleep. Affirm that you're going to wake up in your reality and hold the intention that you are shifting. And when you wake up you will open your eyes in your desired reality. That is how sleeping methods work.

Awake methods are the ones that usually call for more focus, it's like meditation where you need to visualize and focus on your desired reality until you feel the shift. Sleeping methods are just as their name suggests, you will need to fall asleep and then you will shift.

So give yourself a break, stop worrying about how long it's going to take and how long it already took, stop worrying about every single block you think is standing in your way to shifting. Give yourself some Grace, appreciate all the effort you have already put into this journey, release the worry and the paranoia and the desperation, and rest in the knowledge that you are shifting no matter what.

Happy Shifting ❤️

[emperornero]

i really hate how using greek and roman artifacts like coins and busts and sculptures as a profile picture makes people assume youre a neonazi. i fully understand that its because actual neonazis are doing this. and the fascist obsession with antiquity [especially rome] was a big part of actual ww2 nazi propaganda and myths around the chosen race. it is good more and more people are aware of this and they do checks before they follow someone with an icon like this. it is straight up needed these days. but at the same time i wish this shit wasnt happening at all and that neonazis didnt exist. and people who are actually interested in roman history could use them and not be met with immediate suspision whenever someone new finds their blogs.

ive been randomly blocked for having a roman icon and url before by people who ive never interacted with before because [i assume] they saw one of my popular posts in the wild and saw my icon and thought im a fascist. and before anyone suggests that i change my icon/url. im not doing anything bad. ancient rome is my main interest and i want my blog to reflect that. i dont want to change just because awful people might appear similar to me at first glance. this shouldve never happened nazis shouldnt exist in our times i hate them so much its unreal

[d1rlin]

you DO know that endos are systems who didnt form from trauma, right? not people claiming to have did/etc. with no trauma. the carrd linked in your dni says endos harm did/etc. communities when they arent even in those communities, and (for the most part, not saying there isnt bad apples) dont target or harrass anyone with did/etc. feel free to not answer this but i just hope you learn to understand the people you hate before you hate them.

This does not include

- those who are groomed into believing their trauma wasn't good enough, those who were denied proper help, Those who are in denial about being a traumagen system, has conflicting disorders that makes it harder to be diagnosed, Etc

This applies to

those who want to be a system, those who want to "try" being a system, those who are wanting any disorders for fame, clout or their personal greed, read more here and here

DIDOSDD is a survival disorder. These posts on my blog are snippets. Do not take these out of context without knowing the full background on this you speak about, you can block me at any given time, I will not be arguing about something that professionals have said is fake. You can try to cancel me or think I'm saying shit out of my ass, I truly and respectfully do not care what others think of me. Especially online.

Feel free to block me if you think I'm just a cunt but truthfully they're not valid unless if the reasonings I gave line up with some of their stories. But don't drown out the ones who wants to be a system or want alters. Not to mention it is ableist. No one should want to be a system or have ANY disorder.

With that out of the way here's my half asleep response;

Yes and no, some people and if not majority of the endo 'systems' claim to be systems. Systems is a term used for DID/OSDD/UDD systems. Im not hating on anyone, that would by definition mean "to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest: to hate the enemy; to hate bigotry." I am not being hostile. I am not throwing no one under the bus. I repost posts from others blogs, I share my thoughts. And truthfully someone being endo or "other genic" is not possible.

I can feel differently towards those who actively want this disorder, please before you go in my asks make sure to do proper research and search. Before trying to judge how I feel about things that are scientifically proven to be false. Endos does harm the DIDOSDD community. By not only throwing traumagenic systems under the bus or trying to shun their voices away to fit the endo's narrative but also giving out misinformation. This does not outshine that some endos can be groomed into thinking they are an endo system but in factuality they can be a traumagenic system, thinking their trauma wasn't enough to be a system.

And in your own words and I quote "endo's are systems who didn't form from trauma." You're right some of them didn't. Which means they're invalid. Also how am I harassing others when I do not go in dms, i rarely if not ever go in someone's asks unless if it's about hyperfixations (that was only one person and one time. I saw they liked psychology and so do I) so your story is not adding up, it is trying to paint me as a terrible person who goes and harasses others. Please for the love of god get the full context, don't assume anything about me or put up lies about me. Especially saying I hate xyz. No. No I do not. You aren't me and I aren't you. So until you can tell me what exactly I feel or do in a daily do not try and write a narrative about me. Without proper reasoning, context, research, and context clues. As well as your own personal biases out of the story, pin point where I said and done what, send proof and actually think before making any lies about me. Thank you, next.

[ghostbrawl]

sent the 🐯 - nono the thing is i do know you!! youre not a stranger im just... sometimes i get spooked off, from interacting so much. because sometimes i think people just hate me and only keep me around as to not make me upset :( and thats got nothin to do with you, you didnt do anything wrong. its me with my stupid thoughts and shit. i think youre really cool and i love your art and style and you seem so confident and dont give a shit about a lot of things. im intimidated by that

tried to answer this one privately and realized i couldn't because its an anon ask haha .. welp! i still want you to hear my input on this one so it's just going to be no reblog.

i'm going to put my response under the cut though for the sake of people's dashboards and because it's somewhat mushy. continue if you dare, followers - i'll be talking in depth about, like, emotions an shit.

so i sat on this ask for a while and really rolled it around my enclosure a little bit. full disclosure i need to just say for a long time i also felt this way - by that i mean feeling as though [people just hate me and only keep me around as to not make me upset] - for various reasons.

one reason was that i had experienced real world examples of this sort of coddling many times - people online and in real life would often entertain me to my face and talk about me behind my back, mostly until i got too annoying to bear and was openly lashed out at or shunned. most of these incidents occurred when i was 16 or younger, to be fair, but they did make a mark on me.

another reason was just anxiety - if i didn't know exactly what the people around me thought, it would be safe to say those thoughts were bad. it would've verified what i thought about myself- and assuming those people already hated me allowed me to empathize with the versions of my loved ones that i created in my head. i often mourned the fact that they had to deal with me before i even knew whether they were annoyed or not.

these were the two main reasons why i often felt like people hated me, but i'm sure there were more.

i don't have an EXACT read on who you are anon, though i feel like i have an idea (you don't have to tell me, but if you'd like, reach out and send me a dm) - but personally, if we know each other, and i've not yelled at you or blocked you or told you not to talk to me, there's an incredibly decent chance (99%) that i neither hate you nor think you're annoying.

if you're my next door neighbor from two years ago, i take that back. but if you aren't, keep reading!

other than in my deepest darkest worst moments, i've pretty much trained myself out of the kneejerk assumption that my friends and loved ones hate me. i'll try not to sound preachy when i talk about why, but trust me when i say i have a point here in talking about it.

anyway - here's how i stopped doing that.

#1 - i started to model my own understandings of people's attitudes toward others based on my own attitudes.

ok i know that sounds weird or isn't very easy to understand so let me just give an example.

a technique i used a lot was just thinking through how, when, and why i liked or loved my friends. i loved my friends because they have similar interests to me, because of the history we had together, because it was easy to communicate with them, because i loved their minds and ideas, because they enriched my life (even when i didn't talk to them as much), because i was excited to hear from them + learn about their life, because i cared about them and didn't want to see them sick or hurt, because they were fun to hang out with, etc. etc etc.

then, i'd think about how i felt when one of my friends messed up, was irritating, annoying, or made me angry in some way. depending on how egregious the ill was, i reacted anywhere from pretty much none at all (for most irritations or annoyances) - to 'angry in the moment, it fades later' (for high stress situations in which i had no excuses for that friend) - to 'we seriously need to work this out' (for ongoing situations in which i was building up the strength to address).

most of the time, the irritations i encountered fell into the first category. many times i couldn't even be annoyed - i loved those friends so much that it didn't even matter, either in the very second the irritation happened or in the grand scheme of things.

in the few moments that i encountered more grave irritations such as those in the last category, what usually would happen is either that me and the other person sorted out our grievances and both agreed to change our behavior, or we parted ways.... and many of the friends i parted ways with i found wanting their company again and reconnected with them.

in evaluating myself in the context of my friends, though i can never know how, when, or why my friends love me, i know for relative certainty that when i am irritating or annoying to them, it is incidental and fades just as quickly for them as it fades for me. my friends will never be as concerned with my small flaws and ills as i am - it simply doesn't affect them nearly as much as it affects me.

^ this idea is doubly true for acquaintances and people you don't know as well as to say "friends" -- at the acquaintance level people can choose whether to get closer or to drift, factoring in time, interest, hyperfixation, location, their jobs, etc.

but this first technique only worked when i had the self-esteem to internalize the fact that other people's inner worlds were both just as complex as mine (holding complex feelings about oneself and each other) and just as simple as mine (annoyed or not? and for how long? etc)!

so another thing that really helped me was

#2 - faking confidence until i could build it properly.

i know everyone says this shit and it seems so ineffectual when it feels much more grounded and real to be cynical, to be anxious and upset with oneself.

and in many senses, it IS ineffectual - immediately. faking confidence is something that only works over years of doing it, and in faking your confidence you must also identify very real parts of yourself to be Actual Confident(tm) about and work toward feeling that way for real.

faking confidence is the sandbox where i, personally, found actual things to be proud of myself for within. when i faked confidence in my voice, way of thinking, my art, and my personality, i eventually found actual things to like in each of those aspects of myself based on how people reacted to that "front" of confidence i put up about those aspects of myself.

for a while i faced an awkward phase where my faked confidence was so intense that it manifested as arrogance and aggression toward others -- avoid this if you can . facepalm emoji.

but in presenting myself as somebody who was equal (or even greater) than other people in social situations i was in, other people pointed out things to be praised about me.

at first i'd be skeptical, but i'd keep it in the back of my mind. but over time, i'd see over and over the success of those parts of myself in social situations, artistic circles, athletic contexts, etc, and start to think "maybe i am good at [x]" or "maybe [personality trait] about me is helpful and cool", and on and on and on.

confidence and self-like is a process that builds on itself and gets easier over time. the second i began to question whether traits i had were really harmful or bad, the more i started to see reinforcing evidence of the contrary; of them being productive, healthy, interesting, worth having rather than destroying.

and the further you progress in this avenue, the easier it is to #not give a shit about things - or to respond less to attacks on the psyche or personality.

and when i reinforced + gained a respect for the parts of myself i once hated, it became easier to believe that others could admire me as much i admired them - that others could brush off my shortcomings as easily as i brushed off theirs.

recently, i hate to admit, i've had to start this process of loving myself all over again as i've started to experience a major personality shift brought on by gaining different + new responsibilities in my life. i respond differently to new circumstances so many times that i'm becoming somebody different - somebody i'm not yet prepared to love. somebody that i'm much more inclined to loathe, because i've seen the effects of my new personality traits on myself and others; not in observing my own actions, but in observing the actions of people in my life with the same personality traits such as my family.

so for now my confidence in a lot of situations is much shakier than it used to be - but the foundations i created back when are still there. when i don't believe in myself or punch down on myself i can keep it relatively contained internally and not project it onto others - or if i can't avoid projecting it, i at least understand on some level that i'm being unreasonable... and i can still keep that outward confident look pretty seamlessly while working out new insecurities from within.

trust me - i give a lot of shits, and so does every other confident person you know. we just keep it to ourselves - not to say that keeping it to oneself is inherently better, but it just helps to keep oneself from spiraling into deeper and deeper self hatred. keeping that hate on the down-low keeps it from gaining significant power.

in terms of being intimidated by other confident people....

i have nothing really to say about that. i think it's something that both affirms and worries the confident person in question - to be intimidating is to be slick and cool and impenetrable. but to be intimidating is also to be impenetrable (/neg) - impossible to see the inner life of through that glare of coolness or confidence. i guess its a double edged sword, i dunno.

but i think it gets easier to see even the intimidatingly cool as dorky, regular people when you recognize that pretty much everyone has or had crappy self image at one point. people are less intimidating when you allow the idea that they too, are people who fuck up, who go through things, who break down, who hate themselves, and who are just trying their best to seem like somebody lovable and worthwhile. and do that in order to CHASE interactions with others - and that wanting those interactions doesn't reflect badly on you or them.

but idk. i get it if u don't wanna read all that.

TLDR: ur thoughts aren't stupid and we've all been there. and i'm just some tumblr user on the internet it's really not so serious or scary. i post incessantly about robot sex and wizards instead of getting groceries. and everyone is just as stupid and dorky as the worst person you know and that's totally fine.

[angelhummel]

We talking about Kurt now? I'd like to point out something curious lol, don't know the purpose but I find it interesting, so, lately on my Facebook I've seen a lot of Kurt/Chris hate posts, and I mean like almost every glee page, calling him mostly envious of Lea, and rude, and the same with Kurt, whereas Lea is really praised and excused with 'yeah but she apologized', I myself I'm no Lea hater, I really like her, she's so talented and I believe she deserves everything she's getting, but I also know that if I met her in real life I'd probably wouldn't be friends with her, anyway so this is in Facebook latin america mostly, now off to tumblr where I assume I mostly follow exterior people idk, it's totally the opposite, of course it might also have to do with the accounts I follow, but I also see the tags of accounts I don't follow, and I've found this pattern of just general fondness or love for Kurt/Chris, and hate for Lea, so now neither seems to be my safe place, go into Facebook see Kurt/Chris/Klaine hate (whatever happened to the Klaine shippers? :c ), go into tumblr see Lea hate, of course there's the tag blocking or whatever but Idk for some reason I keep finding those lol

lmao yeah guarantee that no matter how hard you try to block shit you dont wanna see, its still gonna come thru

also wow, facebook sounds like a wasteland for the glee fandom askfjsdl i didnt know that was still a thing. truthfully i didnt know anyone was still active on there. but also like glee tumblr is barely tolerable for me (lots of curating and blocking, as we said) but its the only place i have. and everything people have told me about tiktok or twitter or reddit sounds sooooo much worse. so im thankful its as good as it is here. or at least on here it's easier to avoid the shitty takes you dont wanna see :P

and like yeahhh obviously i understand why people wouldnt like lea but at this point its like. just shut up about it, y'know?? it's so not worth it to keep getting mad over whatever she does. sorry if it sounds rude but at this point ive lost all interest in the cast outside of the show. happy for whatever projects they've got going buuut that's about it

(not saying anything bad if you still follow them but anyone who IS following them just to be assholes are sooo annoying like let it go and talk about anything else alsjfklsd)

[s1x-foot-deep]

you blocked me on your twitter spamton porn account. whatd i evr do to you

im assuming youre the same anon who sent me this on a different blog of mine

really, nobody ive blocked on twitter has done anything to me. its for my own comfort and safety. if ive blocked someone there its either because they didnt have their age on their twitter so i didnt know if they were an adult or not, or they just simply had stuff on their twitter i didnt vibe with. i dont block out of hate or anything, i block for my own comfort & such.

also calling it a "spamt*n p*rn account" makes it feel like you're trying to make fun of me, since it's never been a single character exclusive account and i havent posted about that guy consistently anywhere for months.... i hope that's not the case though & just me misinterpreting that bit.

anyways. sorry i upset you anon, i hope its not caused you too much distress, have a nice day/night

[vanillabf]

𝐈 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐀 𝐃𝐈𝐄𝐃 𝐅𝐎𝐑 𝐘𝐎𝐔

⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀𝐘𝐎𝐔 𝐉𝐔𝐒𝐓 𝐊𝐈𝐍𝐃𝐀 𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐄𝐃 𝐀𝐓 𝐌𝐄.

𝐁𝐘𝐅/𝐁𝐘𝐈 +

O1. this account will feature writing, n me using it as a digital diary ,,,, pls be wary that i will occasionally talk about triggering stuff (body issues n not eating for long periods of time, anxiety, etc.)! if talking about stuff like such, it will be tagged as "vanillabf yaps ...", so, if u wish not to see that, block that tag ,,, n, if u wish not to see my yapping at all, block the tag "vanillabf yaps !" so u can only see my writings ,,, n the occasional responding to someone or a nonnie :)

O2. i have extreme anxiety, paranoia sympts, ocd, adhd, experience major back pain n headaches/migraines, n possibly more - pls take note of this when int with me, sorry! i can become extremely agitated due to the pain my body experiences, so, if im extra moody one day, pls dont take it heart!! :'( i try really hard to only bring positivity tho!!!

O3. i dont take requests! i take suggestions n thirsts, but requests make me to anxious to answer; i always force myself to only put half the effort into it bc i want to get it out as soon as possible, which i dont want as writing is meant to used as a coping mechanism of mine. also, i write, well, most things. im in a multitude of fandoms n writing all of them down would be likely impossible, but at the moment, im obsessed with creepypasta,,,. ALSO ALSO, my gf proofreads everything i make! this doesnt mean she will miss every mistake, but pls notify me if u see something that isnt correct n i will get right on it <3

O4. MINORS ARE FREE TO INT, JUST DO NOT INT W MDNI POSTS. IF U DO IT ONCE, U WILL BE LET OFF THE HOOK CUS I WILL ASSUME U DIDNT KNOW, BUT DOING IT TWICE MEANS UR GETTING BLOCKED, SORRY!!

O5. please be nice when asking; anything hateful i will answer n shame u for, n likely block u after! i will not accept anyone of any sorts being hateful <3

O6. reposting my stuff to other sites, feeding it to 🤖, translating it, or anything else will result in u getting not only exposed, but aswell blocked! i spend alot of time on the stuff i write n u stealing it makes me feel, well, drained; why make stuff if people r to steal it? dont do it, thank yewww :)

O7. ALSO ALSO i call ppl lil nicknames sometimes so if uncomfy pls tell me so i can try not to call u them!!!!1!

O8. hhhhh i think thats all ,,,,

[beaniepanini]

040124 00:34

hi. i havent written in a while. im sorry. to be honest, i dont know how to start. i've been all over the place since the last time i wrote. i dont really understand much anymore, and im kind of having a crisis? kinda. last i wrote was september, so i didnt get to write about what i'd like to call "The October Fiasco" because yeah, it's the type of thing that happens that require me to give it a title.

The October Fiasco happened on October 26, 2023. A month and a half since the break-up. At that point, the last time I talked to my ex was on my birthday, cuz theyre an asshole like that. i had a seminar five cities over the next day and had to leave at 3am. that day was already off to a bad start which involved an argument with my dad, and me having a breakdown at the GSO. 7pm i had dinner with my adviser at orgmates and decided to check my life360 cuz i was still hung up on my ex. they were at the hospital. why were they at the hospital? are they okay?

My adviser told me it wasnt my problem anymore, I said yeah, its not. But i still cared about them. Fate was being a bitch and i ended up at the hospital anyways. Long story short, they didnt say anything about the fact that i was there. i dont fucking know. i may never find out what the fuck was in their mind that night, but whatever. its over. there's no point in me being mad anymore. i feel like im about to have a breakdown right now. i said what i said when they reached out in february. i dont want to talk to them anymore.

thats a lie. i feel like those 2 years were nothing to them and i was just never ever worth the effort. i feel horrible. right before i blocked them on facebook, their last post hinted that they liked someone new. would they treat that person the same? would they treat that person better? would they put in more effort? why couldn't they do that for me? was i just not worth it? i hate them. i fucking hate them for making me feel like this. no matter how much i give my heart out to them when we were together, it was nothing to them. they tried. i know that they fucking tried, pero putangina. when they reached out, they were cutting me off, what makes them think they have that kind of power over the situation? no. FUCK YOU. i'm not letting you get out of this unscathed. i want you to feel how much hurt you made me feel. i hope you fucking live with this guilt. i dont want you to find love, i want you to have nightmares about me.

im angry now. for fucks sake. anyways. i've moved on. i still have anger in my heart, but im sure i dont love them anymore. i cant fucking look back and think of happiness, im so angry that i wasted 2 years of my life with them. but we keep moving forward, i met someone. i've been having a hard time feeling that they genuinely do like me back because theyre a hypersexual person, but i know that this is also cuz i keep comparing them to my ex.

also, i should stop hiding their identity. hes a guy. ig that contributes as to why the whole hypersexual thing throws me off, considering i was assaulted. but he reassured me once, i said i know. im not used to the love and attention, so i know is not a him problem. its a me problem. he's been,, amazing. hes blown all my expectations out of the water. all the shit i had to beg for, he did it all naturally. he matches my energy. we're both weirdos. he makes me feel safe and cared for. i admit that im also hypersexual, but i never really talked about it. so with him, i feel comfortable. i opened up about it. we're doing okay. im not used to someone wanting me this much. im trying not to self-sabotage so i've been doing a lot of self-reflecting lately.

i still get emotional flashbacks to when i was with my ex. that if he's offline i assume the worst, because thats what happened with my ex. or just a few hours with not talking to him i go crazy and assume he wants nothing to do with me anymore. im working on it, but for fucks sake i didnt realize how deep the damage was until i met a guy willing to talk about it with me. my friend was really angry about this too when i opened up about it. it was an odd morning and he said he doesnt feel okay so he'll be offline for a bit. he said it was something personal, but i shut down. i assumed it was bcuz he was tired of me. i assumed he realized i was too much. that wasn't the case obviously, but i felt it. i have to keep reminding myself that he's not my ex.

i rambled. sorry. but yeah. im doing okay. kinda. we have a new puppy, her name is Taki.

[doyouneedmedicalwesistance]

its me! rivers! from tumblr! some call me dj or star i dont mind that much

dating a hot babe (@averagetallyhaller)

typical blog rules you know keep it PG-13 here i didnt think id have to write this out but dont send asks about sex?? i do not enjoy anonymous sexual harassment? dont vent like you wanna complain about your life to some kid on the internet? also ask first. i hate those surprise e-hugs. feel violated. ajibblie jibblie. and dont send me chain asks. no “send to blogs you love” or anything like that. just say you love my blog or whatever

dni: if i dont like you i block you i dunno. youre probably not gonna read this anyway. just assume youre on thin ice at all times and play nice

send asks so i can draw homestar because i dont have any jokes left. i also draw teen girl* squad

[jackienautism]

Feels so bad being in the saw fandom and hating Cha//nshipping i cant escape them 😭. I just want lesbians but evertime I try and look anything up, even just the general movies it’s always them .

yeah..............................................

thats honestly why i took sooo long to actually watch saw (2004) , i pretty much watched eveyrthing else before it just cause i didnt care for either adam or lawrence. and ESP not chain///shipping. that and i was annoyed at how PREVALENT they were in the fandom

i lvoe my lesbians but dont get me wrong i think gay men and mlm in general are super important in fandom. it juist sucks that sooo many ppl (usually non gay men) often fetishize them and hold them higher than 2 girls. hence why we often see so much MORE of them. i just want ot make it clear that even though im a lesbian and lean more towards girls irl and in fandom, i appreciate my fellow brothers and think they deserve so much better than whats given to them. we shouldn't fight yk?

BUT YEAH back to the topic at hand. it sucks that its primarily them....... and i even feel the same way w/ coffin/shipping. tbbh. like. i tried to search up saw v one time and it was ONLY them. ofc like what you like but maaaan... ofc i enjoy lynnmanda and stuff as muchu as the next person but like.... im aro so im biased but.... not eveyrthing has to do w/ shipping......................i wanna see platonic and individual dynamics too................................... but thats for another time i suppose LOL

LIKE lawrence as an individual is so interesting to me. and i dont even rly care for him. i found myself rly enjoying what was given to us when (finally) watching the movie. but most of the time hes paired w/ adam (i assume) SAME W/ LYNN!!!! AND PEREZ!!!!! even though i do rly enjoy both amanda and strahm (particularly amanda) BUT . I WANNA SEE THEM INDIVIDUALLY TOO YK?

BUT ANYWAY YOU. YOU CANT ESCAPE CHAIN//SHIPPING AND ITS LIKE... IDK MAN. IM TIRED

bless the block / filter function LOL

but yeah sorry that you feel the same way my friend, its tough. esp when you just want to see something, ANYTHING else. it rly wears you down. hat eot be like "im not like other saw fans" but maaaaaan its rly tough and im sorry

[rabidruckus]

Honest hot take for the day , dont kill me,, i think majority of DNIs are mostly , performative and functionally useless

Like

dni terfs/transphobes/racists/general bad people terms,,

you think a bad person will see that and respect it ? Bullies are gonna bully regardless, just Block them on sight

(bold to assume racists even know how to read tbh)

Minors DNI makes the most sense, i use it, but again, minors will lie and ignore it

gotta block them too

DNIs for random innocuous stuff is a whole can of worms, people arent really going to check Every Blog Every Time they click something. 'like oh before i click ❤️ i should make sure this person is okay with Mario Enjoyers" or whatever.

And if you Do check every blog for things they might hate you about thats... Exhausting and cant be good for your brain

I dont know, it just makes me sad to see so many people spending half their character limits in their bios on the things they Dont like. And its mostly basic bad things Everyone shouldn't like.

Just wish everyone's bios didnt feel the need to remind me that transphobes exist. And animal abusers. And every horrible thing under the sun.

If you dont like something, maybe, dont? amplify it/give it so much brain real-estate

Put the things you Do like and care about in there! Things about you! U could put your favorite color in there, what u do for job/fun, anything

And curate your own online experience!! Be Free, block with wild gleeful abandon. Also blacklist is your friend

People lie on the internet, nature of the beast. You will Never be able to control other's behavior.

But you Can banish them from your internet realm, and thats beautiful

I'm a big believer in boundaries but when I see people saying what essentially amounts to "do not interact if you have these specific thoughts", that's kind of pushing the limits of what a boundary is

[its-a-hil]

extremely long poem-like excerpt from my diary last may under the read more you should definitely just scroll past it

gonna go to bed now.

i read all of my diary entries from junior year

i am so fucking annoyed by past sahil like god she just… doesn't know so many things about herself i want to give her such a big hug fuck

also stuff with <friend name redacted> and <friend name redacted> and all of that and it's just … really melancholic

also also apparently google decided it's time to just reset all of my google accounts in firefox?????????? very confused ugh

i need to go to sleep

and i need to tell her everything not just bc it would directly improve present me's quality of life, but bc i i want her life to be better i want her to go on e so much earlier fuck please i want her to not be broken i want me to not be broken i want this all to work i want my heart to be functional i want someone to rest their head on my chest and vice versa i want to not have all of this fucking hair on my body i want to never have to worry about what time it is i want to be warm im so cold my head feels stuffy i need to sleep

i know it's never productive to imagine the effect of a single change on my life but but what if i knew what if i watched eva and someone told me shinji was trans codded (assuming i even kin her at all) what if bna was out by that time or if i had played bandori and saw so much of myself in aya and hina and maya or if i had watched monogatari or if i had considered the reasons why i kinned shouma or if or if or if please why does everything in the past always feel so inevitable or a product of chance it's always one of those two

the only reason i watched monogatari was bc of that egoist002 channel putting klk music and also having that katanagatari amv somewhere and even then it took nearly a year for me to start monogatari and another half year to understand that gender was a thing and another two fucking years to be honest with myself god im still so mad about when dad said that he was upset that i said i was in denial when i told him i didnt want hrt like what the fuck im fucking sorry that i, a fucking 19 year old, didnt know what the fuck i was doing with regards to a subject that never made a ton of sense to me maybe transitions like that have to happen slowly because i can't do things instantaneously everything i do is always studying and convincing it looks like the end product comes out instantly, but it doesnt it takes so long i have to workshop everything and the more scared i am the longer it takes i was so scared i am so scared no that's not right im not scared im scared of a lot of other things, but not this im scared of some reactions to it but not it itself how can i be scared how can i fucking be scared of feeling like a person with agency over my life you dont fucking understand dad you either dont know how it feels to coast and hide and conceal your tears from yourself or you just dont seem to process what that means for me i hate cars i hate destinations i want to walk slowly i want to take note of every bird, every flower i want to linger in quiet moments forever i dont want to materially affect the world im too selfish for that i want to stop, and have everything else pause around me i want to watch, and think, and imagine i want to write, and teach, and study i dont want to work i dont want to drive i dont want to make money or use money i dont want to have to interact with it at all in my life why cant i just be why cant i just breathe and drink and eat and run and climb and talk to the people i care about why does everything have to be about money why does anything have to be about money i hate it its all so wrong it ruins even things that i should care about and enjoy i like messing around in spreadsheets but contextualize that as a money spreadsheet and i  will have such a mental block against opening it

where am i i feel like ive lost an important thread right trans

i want bigger breasts i want brighter hair i want to pass barrring that, i want to be unapologetically visible i want kids to see me and think of me as a monster who they have to listen to bc im their teacher i want to tell them about me i want to tell everyone about everything and listen to their everythings too im sorry

why is that it okay i actually need to fall asleep now why am i listening to prince of doom again fuck okay gn i guess bleh

[kittyboones]

(please read tags!!)

lol i keep seeing callout posts abt abby/lee sending anon hate and being acephobic, so im glad i just unfollowed them on all social media

(read the tags before doing anything else after reading this!!)