#and there is none to blame but myself | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

tttoluca · 6 months ago

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ah yes. john borderline. the inventor of borderline personality disorder. and bill majordepressive. the founder of major depressive disorder. oh yes and of course, ronald generalanxietous. the innovative mind behind general anxiety disorder. fuck you

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alittleemo · 2 months ago

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mannnnnnnnbb fuck November I’m so tired of feeling lonely in my own life.

#lee’s bullshit #even being in [redacted] will not save you from the depths of November #trying to remind myself things are always changing and I can’t stop putting myself out there but I am tired.#what I am doing clearly is not enough in any respect and I am tired of feeling so worn to the bone all the time.#huge social miss today at the function. woke up late and ruined the schedule. couldn’t make a clear decision on dinner.#haven’t found a replacement roommate. haven’t finished my portfolio. haven’t applied to internships. haven’t finished my final project.#behind on everything and with every step I take I get pulled further and further backwards.#my roommate is graduating early and i feel like it’s my fault.#i shouldn’t blame myself for someone else’s bad behavior but im still beating myself up for being a cause for it.#my other roommate wants to move out to live on her own next year.#also blaming myself for that even tho its always on me to fix the mess of housing every damn semester #I’m just so tired of feeling like I’m not doing enough and even when I am that it just simply doesn’t matter.#saw one of my friends today but only for an hour. texting the group is like sending a blind pigeon out in a gale.#I know that things will get better but it’s just so hard . if someone genuinely asked how I was doing I could cry on the spot.#none of my friends are close enough anymore not at home not at school not in my family. there’s nowhere to go.#just tired. Going to go to bed soon. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

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outlawtornn · 10 months ago

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i have. so much hw to do. but. i NEED to draw. and write. so many ideas swirling in my brain. need to draw the pretty boys..need to write modern laurens..need to turn the concept in my mind that is lams into a physical form i can see with my own eyes..

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conkreetmonkey · 27 days ago

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Cool new realization: bundling up in big heavy blankets with the lights on results in a) edging sleep paralysis, and b) half-dreams where you feel like you're suffocating but are unable to move to unobstruct your airways

#weirdly I've been getting sleep paralysis lately and instead of seeing monsters I just vividly experience suffocation #like I POV see myself roll over onto the mattress or have the sheets/pillow cover my face while paralyzed and feel the desperate gasping #but like none of it's real and irl I'm breathing fine?#I blame the new comforter that is way too big for this bed I think that despite it actually being lightweight the brain just sees “crushed!”#still it's actually fascinating how my sleep paralysis demon is just... the concept of smothering in your sleep while being too weak to move #why couldn't it just be the hat man why do I have to vividly feel myself struggle for air and rebreathe my own putrifying carbon dioxide #ALSO all my dreams are just dream-ey depictions of awkward uncomfortable family vacations where things go wrong and it's my fault so #chat my brain is figuring out how to ACTUALLY scare me I'm freaking out #...also my childhood fear of the dark is returning??? I've been sleeping alone in a pitch black basement for years but for some reason...???#like baby shit like thinking I'm being followed by a monster after turning the bathroom lights off wtf #chat am I cooked #...did the gender somehow do this

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orcelito · 1 month ago

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Scraping the bottom of the barrel so hard bc I want a specific kind of fic and there's not that much of it. And well I think I scraped too hard so I metaphorically ate some wood and now I have splinters in my throat.

Aka I ended up reading a fic I really really really hated yet I still finished it bc I have been wanting that specific trope so very much and I have been lowering my standards more and more but I think I finally read smth that has knocked me out of the mood (I can only hope) bc im genuinely. I just hated this fic So fucking much. I want nothing to do with Anything in that fic now.

#speculation nation #AND YET I STILL FINISHED IT...😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#i have only myself to blame. wasted my life on this smfh #just goes to show how desperate ive been. dear god. i need an intervention.#and like listen i wont share anything about the fic in question bc im still a big believer in not spreading negativity #so i wont go into the comments or like. anything. i will not make this the writer's problem.#but just. holy fucking shit. it's rare for me to hate a fic *that* much.#none of it made sense. some things literally made me laugh in disbelief bc of how ridiculous they were.#just. desperately need a palate cleanser. desperately need to get back to writing my own fic.#dear fucking god if i have to lower my standards *this* much to get my fix then i just need to write some more damn fic myself.#head in my hands. jesus fucking christ.

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gender-euphowrya · 1 month ago

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y'all are so fucking stupid Disrespectfully

#so Post going around screenshot of a terf blog gloating about the ''transmascs vs transfems'' discourse #because Haha yay the trannies are fighting we don't even have to put in the work of hating them if they do it to themselves #fucking Entire notes section people blaming it on trans men talking about their oppression #Congratulations ! you're in the post ! the terf was talking about you specifically ! 👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏👏#if you think the solution to ''there's some weird oppression olympics mentality going on #where you can find people on both sides thinking We Have It Worse and refusing to engage with the other side's problems''#is ''tell one side to shut up'' idk what to fucking tell you. i don't know what to tell you.#like. yeeees there won't be much discourse left to had if only one side gets to talk that Would in fact work.#in the same way if 2 guys are starving and you want to reduce the number of starving people Shooting one of them dead would work #suuuuure the solution would be feed them both but ahhh the gun is just So much more fun to use.#plus if i just shoot one of them i can pat myself on the back for reducing the number of starving people #while not having actually fed anyone ! win win innit !#for fuck's sake #are there transmascs with weird dismissive attitudes towards transfems implying they get All the support while boys get none #Yes that's a thing & that's a problem. same but reverse also exists & is also a problem.#does that mean any transmasc talking about oppression they face is slighting transfems. No. reverse also applies here.#nature worked incredibly hard on giving us ears to listen and eyes to read. be good if we'd fucking use them.#you can't do Exactly what the terf describes as a good thing. seeing a terf agree should be your ''ok i need to reevaluate'' moment #fucking uplift each other. where the fuck are we going with this crabs in a bucket shit. not out of the bucket that's for sure

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chewbokachoi · 2 months ago

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where's the blank parchment and quill when you need it?

#i require an army of pine cone pigs #i have none but myself to blame but still #boka rambles

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watery-melon-baller · 3 months ago

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Lads i have Fucked Up Big Time

#somehow I just. Fuckin. Forgot. That if I wanna switch my major that I have to do a bunch if shit #and I missed the deadline for it because I didn't realize that I needed to do it and also forgot to reach out about it until WAY too late #so now I can't do anything until the spring #which is also bad because I don't know what the fuck my class schedule should be!!!!!!!#advisor told me that I can talk to her after the enrollment period and schedule a meeting and we can figure out what I'm doing from there #but like. ouggggggghhg #Im so worried there's gonna be some fuckup with my schedule and I won't be able to register for enough classes to be a full time student #which would be so bad #idk should I just wait until AFTER the enrollment period??? and just have no classes???#I'm gonna try and register for a few classes so I at the very least have Something in my schedule #mainly ones for my current (old) major and a few of the new classes #because multiple classes that I need to take I can Only take them IF I'm enrolled in that major. Which I'm currently not because I'm stupid #im just stressed now and unfortunately there isn't much i can do 🥰#i don't even know which classes I should be trying to take. I can GUESS but like who the fuck knows #so i can't even try and plan out a potential schedule i just get to sit on my ass and stress #sighh. im gonna try to not think about it bc its gonna stress me out #on one hand it's tempting to blame like. idk. literally every adult i talked to because none of them actually told me #“Hey btw you actually need to go to this office and fill out this paperwork and submit it by a due date”#they were just like yeah okay u can take some classes. and then we'll figure it out later #like. i would have gone and done the shit if I knew I needed to do iT!!!!#but also I should have sat down and looked more into it to so #bleughhhhhhhh #I'm just stressed. and annoyed. at myself mainly because like. duh of course I'd have to go fill out paperwork but I just was like #“Yeah I'll talk to my advisor later” and kept pushing shit off until it was too late <3 #idk man im. so tired #hopefully it'll all work out okay and fine and i won't have the shittiest schedule on earth next semester #and hopefully the classes i need won't fill up!!!! :))))))#ahahahahahsh #im fucked man #lilac post

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spikeyjo · 4 months ago

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also uh im kind of not thinking about it much because its insane. but if everything goes right (and i mean a considerable amount of things that probably wont go as planned) but if they DO... i will have a major surgery in like two weeks

#vertical sleeve gastrectomy to be exact insert nerd emoji here #i might document a lot of whats going on with it and even take some videos honestly #not to share here other than some oversharing text posts about probably constipation LMAO #but like no one shares whats it like to be mentally ill and go thru vsg and like the process and not many people as young as me get it #feels weird calling myself young on the chronically 13 year old website #but anyone that does post about it posts for like a year and then falls off the face of the earth #genuinely there are so many youtubers that start talking about this stuff #then you find their channel three years deserted and its like man.#i sure hope this means you found better ways to spend your time #and like okay time to get sappy and corny as hell in the notes so go ahead and skip this part idk who even reads my notes hello #but basically everyones that gets this shit is like you gotta find your why #and most of them have kids or like a husband or plans to travel the world or do better at their job #and none of those things really apply to me #i kind of have the perfect storm for being fat #i dont do anything work wise that encourages any kind of movement #im chronically afraid of planes and i cant afford that shit anyways rn #also not very good at romance LOL and never want kids and my entire family is also fat barring my brother #thats not to absolve myself of any of the blame for this shit either like i know i put myself in this situation #i just think like wow my life is pretty much perfect for staying fat but i DONT WANT THAT #I want the highlight of my week to be more than eating takeout man #i want to live life instead of meal to meal to something better #idk what yet maybe jewelery piece to jewelery piece #i could do some serious kandi making while im down for the count #but i dunno man my therapist tells me that in order to feel like a person and not get tired of life i have to do people things and #participate in life yknow?#and its hard to do things like go to the gym talk to people explore fashion styles when i have this overloomingness of being fat #so i guess that could be my why? like i want to experience more of life #i want to be able to walk in a mall and look at all the stores. i want to walk in a mall period. cause it fucking hurts the way i am now #thats all to say the actual “why” that i have is Goddamn it i want to be able to jump from a swing #and not break my fucking ankles

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italictext · 11 months ago

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About to make a life changing decision... Wish me good luck people. I am not ready at all 😭

#Let's hope I actually have the chance to do it before I lose all motivation #Kind of skipped school for this so if they're not actually alone and I wasted my time I am going to cry #This probably isn't the right timing but I want to do it as soon as possible #Okay now that I'm thinking about it this is shit timing why am I doing this now #Also yes this is about the new year's post fuck yeah gonna go and wreck my family by revealing a silly silly secret to my parents lol #Tbh I'm not the one destroying the family none of this is my fault. I shoukd really stop blaming myself #Fuck am I really going to do this I think I'm shaking

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coffeeandcalligraphy · 1 year ago

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ok ok so you know how my life has majorly revolved around my pain since july & how that has been extremely difficult :) well lately I find myself getting up later than I want to & making my bed as badly as I possibly can & getting out of the house after noon when I planned to get out in the morning & walking to the library when it’s sunny & sitting there for hours & the whole time I’m most concerned with writing & that it’s incredible what I’m doing, it’s a little paradise

#you know how I hoped September would be kind to me well it delivered #I actually didn’t realize how mentally poorly I was doing until I got out of it !#like oooooof it’s like a chronic pain veil #& to be very honest it’s because I’m physically better so I cannot blame myself and I don’t lol bc there will be a time when that happens #<< again #I mean better loosely I just mean I haven’t had 8/10 pain every day for weeks LOLLL #but it’s really quiet and beautiful & im grateful !!! like yay I can still create !#I’m not thinking abt my pain 95% of the day now it’s probably about 40%? 50? so a lot but I’m literally not every single thought LOL #sometimes it’s even like 20! not even cuz anything is getting better bc it’s not but I will take it even if idk why!!!#(& by nothing is getting better I mean meaningfully better but I have been blessed with some good days lately which I had none #of all summer)#I say this bc every day I wake up and immediately think OH GOD MY PAIN which is so valid bc it’s awful in the morning getting up is like #falling into a black hole Lol but also while that thought is still there I also thought #wow I’m so excited to write today I’m so excited to see what Jeremiah does #HE IS THE NARRATOR OF HEALING #also like SOOO PRIVILEGED to be able to do this like I also wanted to say that!#anyway update for u since I know I have shared the Despair but none of the beauty yet lol #lots of love chronic illness/pain bbs <3

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flowers-and-pollen · 9 months ago

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I wanna cry bc i don't have enough money for the books i want...

It doesn't matter that i have 13 books next to my bed waiting to be read

#i wanna read nimona in a physical copy #i wanna read dead boy detectives #i wanna read all of the sandman #and even though there's terry prachett next to my bed #and three different books with a bookmark in them #(none of them is terry prachett and i will be mad at myself if i postpone reading yet another book for a different one)#neil gaiman is calling to my soul with his comics #i wanna see the gays be sad....#i wanna read the books while knowing what will come bc of the series/movie #and continue anyway knowing the heartache it will cause me to see them so sad #anyway i'm on ep 2 of dead boy detectives and i got a spoiler for the confession :^#so that sucks even though i'm the only one to blame #i also want to read the little prince again...#it's just full of foggy yet warm memories from childhood #pollen buzzes

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theres-whump-in-that-nebula · 10 months ago

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I’ve destroyed it all. The circumstances are not my fault; nevertheless, I am the straw that broke the camel’s back. I am the thousandth paper cut needed to end a life. I am innocent on my own; but with everything behind me I will be the one to bring destruction. I don’t want to be the cause. I never wanted this. I saw it coming miles away and I did it anyway; the worst part is that I see exactly where it’s going. Please let my intuition be wrong for once. This doesn’t feel real.

#I’m going to be fine. I’m about the only person who’s going to be fine.#We were born of the fire and now we shall die in the fire #exjw #pomo #Yes; POMO. But at what cost?#If it weren’t for the cult; we wouldn’t be together #If it weren’t for the cult; we’d still be together #I know I bitch and snark a lot but I don’t hate them. I love them. I think they’re good people and I like them. Genuinely.#I don’t blame them for everything. I can’t blame them for everything just like I can’t blame myself for everything #None of us are breaking us apart; a concept is. A concept that has more power than the bond between parent and child #ex cult #vent tw #I hate this I want it to end.#I want for none of us to be hurting or afraid anymore. I want us to be free to be with one another and be ourselves #I want us to love each other regardless of who we love #I’ve made it clear that I will not cut them off. If there is ever any restriction of communication between us; it will not be on my end #It’s such a silly thing too. I haven’t killed anyone. I haven’t done anything unspeakable. I’m an upstanding member of society #I just want to exist as I am. That is all.#What makes a cult isn’t just not being allowed to make your own decisions #it is also when the rules of the religion punish you unnecessarily for making normal decisions that should not cause turmoil

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yandereshingeki · 1 year ago

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sometimes i just wanna stop everything to write some soul crushing angst to make myself cry

#dude i got so many angst ideas but none are really like… idk how to say this #Theyre just all. sorrowful. and sad full of hopelessness and sometimes quiet acceptance that theres nothing left to be done #usually it’s nobodies fault that what’s happening is happening. So there’s no one in the immediate circle to blame. just sadness all around #for everyone #Idk but sometimes I think of those ideas and start dry heaving cause i make myself sad #<- everybody POINT AND LAUGH !!!

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morgan-the-lonely-brick · 2 years ago

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To the people flooding in for DPCU content: I see you and I love you. You are welcome here, please stay longer. The comunity here is small, but STRONG

Strong like the Herald of purity

#DPCU #dark prince saga #We have to be strong in order to mentally stand Brad's upload habits lol #I don't blame him for not uploading for months #Because i myself am a student and know how fucking hard it is #It's just funny saying #''oh my favourite creator either uploads 3 videos in a week or none for 4 months but i'd like literally die for him #And i would #I bloody would

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spaghettioverdose · 1 year ago

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That sandwich I ate yesterday is still fucking me up now. I feel like shit. I doubt it's food poisoning cause everything I made it out of was fairly fresh and had been in the fridge the whole time. I think the sandwich itself was just that big and gross that it fucked my gall bladder again.

I'm not gonna give details on it cause thinking too hard about it makes me nauseous.

#i have none to blame but myself

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