#and then you get 3 essays that are almost identical due on the same day

[willowstea]

I got so unlucky with my group assignments. 5/6 classes are doing some sort of group evaluation whether it's a series of presentations going for the entire semester or 1 or 2 assignments to be completed as a group and presented to the class and I have 7 across 5 classes (out of 6 total classes) and 4 of them are next week. One was last week.

[nightinghouls]

❝ I'VE GOT MY FEARS, I'VE GOT THEM DRESSED UP ❞

brigette lundy-paine. nonbinary. they / them. ⸻ i saw juno pasternak around colony house, you know? the twenty—eight year old that was driving from toronto, canada when they saw the tree on the road. juno has been here for six months and I think they were a bike mechanic before they got stuck in the town. with the way things are now, they are now struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy and seek a way out without losing themselves or dying. lets hope you at least survive the night.

GENERAL   information.  ⸻

full   name     juno elliott pasternak

nickname(s)    june,  junebug,  jay

age     twenty — eight

gender   identity     nonbinary

orientation    bisexual,  strong preference for women

place   of   birth     guelph,  ontario,  canada

date   of   birth     november  1  1995

former   occupation     bike mechanic

3   positive traits     creative,  altruistic,  strong—willed

3   negative traits      reclusive,  moody,  gullible

moral alignment    neutral good

faceclaim    brigette lundy—paine

TOWN   information.  ⸻

current   residency    colony house

current   occupation     bike + small electronics mechanic,  handyman

INSP   characters and media.  ⸻

frances halladay from frances ha / enid coleslaw from ghost world / james leer from wonder boys / eve from god help the girl / my solo exchange diary 1 + 2 by nagata kabi / lelaina pierce from reality bites

BIOGRAPHY   your   character's   background.  ⸻

juno’s parents separated when they were just a baby, and juno ended up with their dad. though born in guelph, fairly soon after their parents broke up them and their dad moved back to toronto, where their paternal grandparents lived. juno spent their childhood between their dad’s house and their grandparents’ house, with the occasional holiday spent at their mom’s, until eventually those dried up too.

they were a strong but frustrating student throughout public and high school, which is to say that they read a ton and could write an excellent essay, but struggled chronically with deadlines, skipped and were late to a lot of class, and nearly failed math almost every year. that juno graduated as an ‘ontario scholar’ is a testament to understanding teachers willing to take months-late work and give make up assignments.

right out of high school they entered college for illustration, sure they wanted art to be their career. college was a disaster; without the constant external prodding of well-meaning teachers, left to their own devices and living away from home, deadlines became completely overwhelming and they dropped out within their first semester. they couldn’t handle the pressure, the self-direction, and most of all, taking care of themselves. they’d always thought of themselves as self-sufficient but once they actually had to do everything for themselves as well as attend classes, they simply couldn’t keep up.

they spent two weeks in hospital after they dropped out due to mental health issues, a stay that refocused their attention: stay healthy enough to stay out of the hospital.

once they were back home and had settled back in, they got a job at the bike shop a few blocks away, starting as a junior mechanic to fill the days and get them out of the house. it was around this time that they started seriously considering and exploring their gender identity. perhaps it was that they were the only ‘female’ mechanic, and that this contrast was brought up to them in a way that it hadn’t been ever before, or maybe it was having a kind of independence without the stressors of school, but whatever the cause the result was the same; many deep, internal questions about their sense of self.

after a year and a bit of working at the bike store, juno decided they’d give university a try. maybe it was college that had been the problem. all the programs in college were so specific, university was more general, you could explore and figure yourself out. so they enrolled in an english literature program.

university went slightly better than college had, but once again as soon as the external stress of school was on them they stopped being able to take care of themself. it was just too much. and so, after six months, they dropped out again. back to the bike shop.

one year turned into two, and then three, and then they’d spent four years living in their bedroom at their dad’s house, even after their little brother had moved out, working the same job. juno liked their job, but still — there had to be more out there. so they started saving up, bought a junker car ( a 1990s volkswagen rabbit ) and decided they would road trip across the united states. they’d never been to the states before, but it seemed like a place full of wide-open possibilities. so, they set off.

they drove through new york and into pennsylvania, and then they saw the tree. the story from there is fairly well-known to everyone. the circling, the attempts to get out. at first they had just pulled over, sure they’d gotten too high before setting out for the day’s drive, resolved to sleep it off. and then there was someone banging on the window and telling them to get out before sunset, to get inside.

they were luckier than most; when they came, they came with most of their stuff. clothing, cds, books, nice but not so useful. their toolkit, now that had value here. they’d attempted to get away from their job, but it seemed that was the best thing they had to offer. bikes are more like clocks than like cars, so juno wasn’t any good at engine repair, but small electronics, the bikes that had made it into the town, and any general handyman-type jobs, those they could handle.

TRIVIA   extra   character   information. 

because their parents were teenagers when they were born, they are named after their parents' favourite music ( juno for juno, their mom's favourite band, and elliott for elliott smith, their dad's favourite artist )

juno was diagnosed with adhd in college, and was medicated for it until they entered the town.

similarly, they had been undergoing low-dose hrt, which they ran out of after a time in the town.

some of the books in juno's car at the time they entered the town are: the wind up bird chronicle, franny and zooey, tell me i'm worthless, paul takes the form of a mortal girl, high fidelity, and please don't kill the freshmen.

[taurustony]

The True Mighty Bison - Season V edition.

Some weeks ago, I had a very productive discussion on twitter with Steven Mane about the subject of this essay, and he brought up very good points, an alternative theory (not as out there as mine) and reminded me I haven't actually added the ACTUAL Seth info from his story and Arcade endings to this text. Now that even Rose is on the game (although she didn't bring new info on this front), Let's update this very wild theory about our favorite psycho powered dictator. For the day you discovered the truth about M. Bison was the most important of your Street Fighter fan life. But for them, it was only Tuesday. HEAVY SPOILERS FOR SETH'S SFV STORY MODE AND ENDING. and in a lesser intensity, Rose's. -----------------------------------------------------------------------------

This is M. Bison. Bison is one first class A-hole who runs the biggest crime syndicate on the world (Shadaloo), wants to spark global destruction if not given global domination and has a tendency to kidnap 16 year old girls.  Bison also wields something called Psycho Power. Through profane rituals (more of this in a bit), He is the biggest source/receptacle of it. this power is also destroying his body, which leads to the only thing he likes more than kidnapping 16 year old girls: Body Swapping. The body in the picture is not his original body, not even his first, but is the... model we are most used to see him using. This is how you would imagine him if one mentioned M. Bison. In SFV he finally got grey/white hair, but originally this body had black hair.

however...

These are Ed and Falke. They are CLONED Bodies of Bison, They are both spare bodies for M. Bison, created in a attempt to build a body strong enough to hold his power. They are both of the most recent attempt, the newer models so to speak. As far as we know, they are all biological (a point that will come up later) and since CAPCOM use the word CLONES, they share the same DNA as Bison. Physically speaking, they are around their late teens, although being much younger actually (both suffered from accelerated aging). They escaped Shadaloo due to the fact that an older model ended up destroying the base where they were being held. speaking of the Devil....

These are Seth and Abel.  Also, spare bodies of Bison. But (un)fortunately, they developed a conscience and independence. While Abel ran away and joined the french army, Seth created a splinter cell from Shadaloo called S.I.N. and planned a hostile takeover of the syndicate. One interesting fact is that both Seth and Abel are the SAME MODEL of bodies, but Seth installed the upgrade of the Tanden Engine on his body. So Seth was once like Abel and if given enough time and the proper modifications, Abel could become like Seth.  One recent release on Street Fighter V revealed the Seth was always more machine than man. If that is plainly due the Tanden Engine modification and what this means to Abel, its still unknown. both (Abel more than Seth) still have Bison’s DNA on them. Also, Bison considers this batch of clones a FAILED experiment Seth was the final Boss of Street Fighter IV, and Abel was the protagonist of that series. but, the older models are the more interesting ones.

These are Cammy and Decapre. Both are the oldest clone models player knew until recently. They are also fully biological and the first successful vessels for Psycho Power. Decapre is actually a “ Cammy Alpha“, a first attempt to create Cammy herself. Being fully biological, they ALSO carry Bison’s DNA. While Cammy became independent and joined the British Army, Decapre stayed brainwashed and a weapon for Shadaloo until recently (SFIV). Both Decapre and Cammy were part of a shadaloo project call “The Dolls project“: Most of the Dolls were the kidnapped teenage girls mentioned before, who were also test beds for Bison’s mind control via psycho power. There were 12 Dolls (Decapre and other 11), with Cammy being a 13th, codenamed Killer Bee. As of now, you probably noticed: 3 males, 3 females. We might be onto something here. But remember that profane ritual I mentioned? One of the results was this lady here...

This is Rose. In order to get full access to Psycho Power, Bison had to EXPEL ALL THE GOOD ENERGY FROM HIS SOUL. No joking. the good half of Bison’s Soul incarnated on a young Italian GIRL who was being born that moment and who grew up to be a incredible psychic and fortune teller ,plus the most powerful user of the SOUL POWER, the opposite to Bison’s Psycho Power. so Rose is the REINCARNATION of Bison’s soul, or at least half of it. After the events of SF Alpha 3, Bison even used Rose’s body as a vessel, to hide himself from the authorities. How she was freed and what happened to her during SFII is still unknown. Street Fighter V didn't really expanded on the relationship between Rose and Bison, as much as confirmed that as of the end of A Shadow Falls (SFV general story mode), Bison's is truly gone, at least as definitive as Rose can sense. Let's also remember that, until the interference of Rose herself, Cammy/Killer Bee was considered a succesfull attempt at creating the perfect body. If Rose hadn't freed Cammy's mind, which was as close to a blank slate and receptive as possible, its highly probable that Bison would be using her body instead. Still with me? STREET FIGHTER V: ARCADE EDITION added another point on this list: SETH was released in 2020 as a playable character, part of Season IV. HOWEVER, the FORM he appeared is quite the surprise.

THIS IS SETH! YES, THAT SAME SETH!! (a name tag on SFV confirms this is number 15, the seth that was at the center of SFIV events) After having all of his bodies destroyed during SFIV, his brain was placed by Juri on an old body known as DOLL UNIT 0. The interesting thing here is that Jury is doing this in behalf of a third party, identified only as voice on phone. This voice expected a male body, while Juri didn't even noticed (or cared) that Seth or DU0's had a gender. Doll Unit 0's body accepted Seth's biological brain without a problem. Seth's mind however, is on turmoil. When integrating with the DU0' original personality, something went wrong and Seth went completely batshit crazy. He only sees Psycho Power, and mistook Ed and Falke as being Bison himself, due to their Psycho Power energy. Some lines, such as this Seth is true perfection hints on a ongoing attempt of accepting the new body. The Arcade mode ending and an extra Seth on his Critical Art during his V-trigger 1 also hints that Seth's true power lies in the INTEGRATION with this new body. ALL OF THESE, ALL OF IT, are just canon facts from the SF series lore.  now for the speculation. Bison is not using the original body. And psycho power, specially the levels Bison desires, requires quite the strong one, which factors on why his current body is failing these days. why he had to abandon his original body? My only guess is that the profane ritual either destroyed it in the process or damaged it beyond repair. but at this point, Bison already had gained the power to posses other bodies. Doll Unit 0, the prototype for the perfect vessel, is female. Bison’s soul incarnated on a female body and until very recently, when his clone technology developed enough to create more radical deviations, the clones were all female. While there is several attempts of male bodies they are a late development and not only there is only one almost successful male body, it is the one that requires constant replacing AND Bison is trying to upgrade from, because it's not enough. But, the creation of a male body is stiil on the table and being attempted. Considering CAPCOM’s own words, that Seth is more machine than man, we can guess that Abel is probably just the biological basis for Seth, who is mostly the Tanden Engine and a biological brain. This is what was implemented into Doll Unit 0, who was completely female at that point, maybe even fully biological since Cammy, the earliest successful clone so far is fully biological as well. If we compare to real world cloning technology, cloning someone of the same gender is easier and more direct than altering the gender. Then there is the not-satated-but-extremely-obvious-fact that DU0 was the true first attempt at the tech that would produce Cammy, meaning, Shadaloo’s cloning tech was tested with HER. This also means that Doll Unit 0 IS EXTREMELY SIMILAR, IF NOT IDENTICAL, TO BISON'S ORIGINAL BODY. in conclusion: Bison’s original body is FEMALE and something close to this:

Thanks BbbSFXT from Deviant Art for the Mod and the picture. On the last version, I considered Mistress Bison being blonde, but thinking it through, it was more wishful thinking, trying to make them close to Cammy. Clones being a blonde is probably a side effect of DNA manipulation. Blond hair is recessive, and putting on the simplest, almost insulting way possible, it means blonde only happens if both sides of the DNA have the same code for hair. Since Bison is using the same DNA over and over, it makes sense clones would end up blonde. This also fits with DU0 being a very early prototype, with almost Bison's entire DNA intact, including the code for them hair. And now let's talk mysticism: There is the whole Yin/Yang theme surround everything Psycho Power, explicitly shown in Seth's design, but it was already there, at least as early as the Alpha/Zero series. In the balance of the Yin/Yang symbolism, Yin, the black part, can represent a “feminine principle” and also, can be a suffix/preffix meaning shadow. While Yang, the white part, can represent a “masculine principle” and also can be a suffix/preffix meaning light. these are parts in all living beings, be them male or female.

Psycho Power, the shadow, is feminine. Soul Power, the light, is masculine. There is a inversion of the symbolism here, with Bison, the male body, using the yin and Rose, the female body, using the yang. But the catch is: Rose is not a traditional reincarnation of Bison (obvious reasons) but received Bison's yang, on top of her natural one. This counts on why Rose is so powerful with Soul power. And while she doesn't seem to suffer a physical instability like Bison, as fortune teller and psychic, seem to be incredibly sensitive to strong emotions and energies around her (How the mind of G affected her on SFV being a exemple), I would argue that this extreme sensitiveness is the side effect of that extra yang energy. Let's also consider that while Bison wants MORE shadow and went way beyond what his natural body could hold, Rose stayed pretty much at her natural levels, as far as we know. So Bison's instability can be accounted as using insane levels of pure feminine energy inside a male body. Seth, the genderless one, will only find harmony in accepting his female body. Rose, the female body, is the only of them to have any kind of control and estability. This all points towards Mistress Bison, and that's the hill I'm dying on. this also ties to the idea proposed by Steven Mane: Psycho Power is closely related to the feminine and can't function properly, or at all, with men. Bison forcing that is the base reason for the physical instability. Which leads us to... ------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Steven Mane's alternative theory of Psycho Power

The main gist here is that there isn't really any indication that Bison's OG body is any different from the one he uses today (which is true. There isn't a single line about it on the canon sources). The initial lack of male clones is accounted simply as that we haven't seen enough male clones, and they might have existed since Killer Bee's times. In his views, everything so far points to Bison desiring a male body. However, Psycho power works better with women, or was meant to be used by women. There is another fighting game with a similar plot, Skullgirls, in which the main McGuffin for that story is a mystical artifact that only works with women, which is why most of the cast of that game is female. And after Rose's SFV ending, I wouldn't put behind CAPCOM to lift another game's plot point for their own, specially one that would fit well with the already stablished canon. However, Steven Mane's best argument for this comes from SFA3 itself, or rather, the PSP version of SFA3. But before we get to that, let's go down on the memory lane and remember the facts.

Street Fighter Alpha 3 MAX, also known as Street Fighter Zero 3 Double Upper in Japan, is so far the last version of Street Fighter Alpha 3 released and it is an exclusive of the Playstation Portable console. The Alpha/Zero Series is the main focal point when talking about Bison and Psycho Power, as it's the series where Rose first appeared and in Alpha 3, we have the only canon appearance of Cammy as Killer Bee (on the intro of her first fight against Rose) and the first playable Dolls, Juli and Juni. SFA3 MAX is also, up to the publication of this, the only game in the series to have a guest character (the jury is still out on SFV last season V character). "Wait, Tony" you ask "Don't you mean 4 guest characters?" Eagle and Maki are not guests: They were always part of the Street Fighter franchise, and are contemporary to the events of the game . Yun makes a non-canon appearance which is explained by time travel (in his own quotes), since the events of Alpha series happen way when he was nothing but a toddler. But he is still part of the franchise, so not a guest, per se.

Ingrid, however, is a conundrum wrapped inside a enigma and kept inside a locked puzzle box missing some of its pieces. That is inside a cave inside a volcano under the pacific ocean. On the mariana trenches.

Ingrid is from a failed, unreleased CAPCOM game called CAPCOM Fighting All-Stars. Her first playable appearance is the ill-received crossover game CAPCOM Fighting Jam, known in Japan as CAPCOM Fighting Evolution.

In All-Stars, she was kind of a regular fighter, with a special importance to the plot and final boss. The very little we know about the plot hints on her being something beyond human. She carried a code Isis, is nicknamed the Eternal Goddess, and is said to posses the power of longevity.

On Fighting Jam, she has to solve some issues she had with Pyron, the final boss of that game and an alien who is basically a living sun and is hinted to be what ended the dinosaurs (i swear this is Darkstalkers Canon) Her ending there is... weird.

I brought this up because it adds a tiny little bit of context to her SFA3 MAX ending.

Ingrid claims ownership of the psycho power. Notice that its the power itself, not the Psycho Drive Bison's uses. And Bison is aware of that. Roses recognizes both as users of Psycho Power, even though she doesn't recognizes Ingrid. Also note at 00:59 that the focus point of the psycho drive carries Ingrid's Seal, the same one on the cups on her head AND the one she summons on her Fighting Jam ending. Oh, and she is capable of time travel. but no mention if she was the one who brought Yun to SFA3 time, though. What this all mean? Speculation time: According to Steven Mane's theory: With Ingrid being the creator of psycho power, Psycho power works better with women. You can even explain Bison's obsession with 16 year old girls: They are the ones who closely resemble Ingrid, who he knows is the original source of that power. This also explain why Bison's desire of a male body directly conflicts with psycho power: It was never meant for such body. and why there is so much female clones: It simply the result of experiments to see what fits better. But Bison is trying to get around this: He has been experimenting on both, noticing that male bodies deteriorate way faster, confirmed that female ones fit better, but for reasons only known to himself, this was not enough. The genderless Seth, a sentient machine build to gather psycho power, was Bison's latest attempt of circumvent the body type limitation, but it still didn't work (as stated by Bison himself) This is where Steven Mane's theory ends. But from that, we can jump to other conclusions: Ingrid is a goddess and is the source of Psycho Power energy. Notice that she is not the source of soul power though, so behind her innocent face, behind those red eyes, lies something sinister and evil. (Or maybe, Soul Power is simply Psycho Power with another name? Rose might be the one hiding something...) [Small June/2021 update: After a lazy Sunday re-reading the SF30th's bios, its is clear that Soul Power is not just Psycho Power with a different name. So if you want to follow this line of thought through, you have to consider that Ingrid is EVIL, or at least deals heavily with negative energies (closer to Akuma than Bison). and it opens the possibility of a God/Goddess of Soul Power somewhere out there on the SF Universe. but that is speculation for another time.]

Ingrid is time-travelling to specific points in time to collect parts of her power. Bison was one of those who stole it. Pyron probably did it too, and in 201X, Ryu has something to do with it.

Oh, extra fact: SFIII, the last game on the timeline, happens in 1999. SFV, the game that was released on the 10's, canonically happens during 1998. So the Ryu she is supposed to meet next is YET to appear (maybe in SF6?).

And because she is a time travellng goddess, not a dimension hopping one this means a direct connection between the worlds of Darkstalkers, Street Fighter and Red Earth, the three franchises from CAPCOM Fighting Jam: Darkstalkers' Human World could be considered to be Street Fighter's Earth, and Red Earth is literally another planet on the same universe, hinting a bigger CAPCOM shared timeline then we expected. We can also speculate that Bison ultimate goal would not be just global domination but to replace Ingrid as god/goddess of psycho power. And she took Yun to 1989 just for the LuLz. Why I didn't mentioned Ingrid up there in MY theory? because of CFN Portal. The Capcom Fighters Network Portal is essentially the final word on who is canon in Street Fighter. Released together with SFV, its a well documented, weirdly organized and deep source of any street fighter or final fight character you can imagine. Those 2 guys fighting on the intro of SF2 got bios there. As well as Hakan's daughters and Elena's Family. Heck, CFN Portal is the place that finally settled Chun-li's father name as Dorai.

There is also relevant guest characters and characters who appeared in other games but that CAPCOM consider part of the franchise and canon, such as Blade from the Street Fighter: The Movie game (now part of the North American operations of Shadaloo) and... Ruby Heart from MARVEL vs CAPCOM 2 (a version of her actually, before the events of that game). Ingrid is clearly shown as a guest character and NOT part of the street fighter franchise, as she does not have the SF franchise standard background. the only ones who this happen are special guests from, such as the ones from Street Fighter EX and Street Fighter 2010. Ingrid is also described there with her bio from CAPCOM Fighting All-Stars, rather then her own story on SFA3 MAX or even CAPCOM Fighting Jam, in a way making her role on SFA3 MAX similar to Evil Ryu's: A what-if non-canon scenario of the events of the game, that has no bearing on the main plot. Evil Ryu's ending are always Ryu kills everybody and wants more blood, never really explaining anything. Evil Ryu is more important as a visual representation of the dark side of Ryu rather than a character itself'. and because of that precedent, when CAPCOM itself gave her non-canon status, it's better to err on the side of caution and not consider her direct influence and acts when speculating about the plot and lore, unless they are the only source of some kind of hinted information. And there is one very canon character who has a situation like that. Killer Bee. As I mentioned before, the ONLY time Cammy acts as Killer Bee in canon is on her SFA3 arcade/story mode: In her intro against Rose, her very first fight, She initially starts under control of Bison. Rose actually recognizes Bison's Power and frees her, even before the fight starts. The fight itself is actually framed as a violent reaction to being freed. but there is a game where we can see Killer Bee Cammy in all her brainwashed glory: X-men vs Street Fighter. Released before Alpha 3 and the first game where Cammy is shown with her Alpha design. Her quotes there shows a profound reverence to Bison AND some are mechanical in nature. Goddess Ingrid (to differentiate a bit from Code Holder Ingrid) could be one of these instances: Canonically speaking, we know very little about Bison: What are his motivations, why he desires such levels of power or anything that would elevate him from one dimensional antagonist. Sagat started as that and became one of the most developed characters of the franchise. Gill is from the straight go good intentions that will end up bad. Seth is the whole reason of this essay, so I don't need to show you anymore how he turned out a interesting character. and there is G, who is either a suicide cult leader still looking for followers, or the savior of mankind. Not to mention that most players thought as a good guy until Rose's ending. like, holy psycho powered cow... Bison is still just the dictator who wants to rule the entire world. And the only character that deals with Psycho Power in a way that is not just evil power for the evil dictator is a character that, as far as CAPCOM is concerned, is not even acknowledged as the relevant version.

[my-sherlock221b]

Supernatural Rewatch Ramblings: Bloodlust

2020-21 has been a huge transformative time for many of us. Whether we wanted it or not, we have been forced to stop, switch gears, rethink, reflect, let go, make new priorities, discover who we really are and who we want to be in the face of adversity.

One of those transformations for me has been giving up on control and finding a way to surrender to the power of the universe. Another has been to not let perfection be the enemy of good.

You may well wonder---What does all this have to do with the Bloodlust rewatch and review??!

Probably nothing LOL except for the fact that I still have to write up my review on Bloody Mary and have been unable to write for various reasons. And then because the Bloody Mary review was still incomplete I could not write about the next one etc etc etc.

So when we watched Bloodlust two days ago in the continuing re-watch, I decided that I am going to re-start the review, and from exactly where I am right now!

If time and life permits I might fill in the gaps later. If not, well, life is unpredictable and weird and we keep calm as it carries on….Thank you for coming to my Philosophy talk….:)

Read below for the Boodlust  review, Season 2 episode 3 and look out for the post from @soulmates-for-real​ on this rewatch too!! 

The opening scene is the perfect switch and bait because we as an audience have been trained to latch on to types and identities and representations.

Woman in white night gown screaming and running--victim

Person who brutally beheads her—villain.

A few minutes into the episode we realize that we were wrong.

A good few minutes later we realize that we were wrong about being wrong.]

Haha.

We are idjits, swept away on the eddies and currents of this masterfully written and directed episode. Thank you Sera Gamble and Robert Singer!

The acting and the mesmerizing beauty of the two leads is worthy of an entire essay of its own but in order to have a life and finish this review I shall only say this—Oh my goodness HOW gorgeous is Jensen Ackles?!!

It is sometimes impossible to look at him in this episode because my eyes didn’t know where to land! That perfect face? The lips? Those eyes?? The quirk of the eyebrows? Those micro expressions that are constantly weaving across his face? The smile? The way his lips move when he talks?? His hair? The Samulet?

And then the shot pans out and includes his hand and the ring and honestly it’s a miracle I could follow the plot at all.

So the images I am going to include in this review, much as I love Sam Winchester and Jared Padalecki, are all of Dean Winchester. It’s a criminal waste to not do so when the man is just an ode to perfection.

*

Sheila O’Malley’s review of this episode is in itself a work of art and a thing of beauty so I will direct you most enthusiastically towards it and only add here my little pennyworth bits. Do click on this link but be prepared to sink into a one hour read which will make you feel like you were dropped into the episode itself.

https://www.sheilaomalley.com/?p=87187

Here is a quote from her review which is so insightful.

These are the details that a director like Robert Singer never misses, and at this point his relationship with Ackles and Padalecki would be almost telepathic (it’s probably 100% telepathic now). He has said before that he and Kripke were such a good team because Kripke’s primary concern is Plot/Gore/Horror and Singer’s primary concern is Character/Relationship. And they both end up in the same place. It’s a good mix. If Singer were also Plot/Gore/Horror focused, we wouldn’t have the depth of relationship which is the real point of the show, its real hook.

*

For a much briefer and far less technically adept and analytical review, read on here!

*

The opening of this episode shows us the Impala from every possible angle. Gleaming, gorgeous, road -worthy. This is mirrored by Dean. He is also gleaming, gorgeous and roadworthy. He is in a happy mood that not even Sam’s little brother snitty comments can deflate.

Here is the soundtrack of this episode for those who are interested.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0835248/soundtrack

Here is some random but fun trivia:

Dean tells Sam in one scene "If it's     Supernatural, we kill it." One of the rare times the title of the     show is actually spoken in the dialogue.

This is the first episode where Sam began parting his     hair down the middle, the hairstyle he'd keep the rest of the series.

( I didn’t like his hair too much in this episode honestly but then again I could barely see anyone beyond Dean :D)

During the filming of this episode Jared injured his     hand when he fell badly during a stunt. He thought it was merely sprained     and went straight into filming the next episode without having it checked.     But it got more and more painful and finally he went to the doctor and     discovered that his hand was, in fact, broken. Because he had already     begun filming, he couldn't bandage the hand until filming for that episode     was finished. The writers ended up writing in an accident for Sam and his     line "I think she broke my hand" to explain the fact that for     the following few episodes he would be wearing a cast.

When Dean kills a vampire, blood is sprayed on his     face, mostly on his right cheek. In the next shot the pattern is     different, and notably the right cheek is almost clean. Furthermore, his     mouth was agape when he made the kill, risking the blood getting into his     mouth and turning him into a vampire. While the brothers didn't yet know     how a vampire is made at that point, Gordon did and should have been     alarmed that Dean might have gotten some of the blood in his mouth.

*

A random behind the scene shot from the episode:

Guess who she is? Apparently this is Jensen’s sister in a super brief role in Bloodlust!

* 

On to the review, or rather some of my thoughts during the re-watch.

The first scene with the Sheriff they are interrogating him about the cattle mutilations is hilarious. The way they bluff their way into the morgue is hilarious. Dean always leading and Sam following.

Random trivia: When Dean enters the morgue with Sam and sees the name tag of "J Manners", it has been thought the name was to honor Jeffrey Dean Morgan and series producer Kim Manners. Dean guesses "John" - Jeffrey's character name - and the intern corrects with "Jeff"

*

It a testament to the way Supernatural has trained its audience that we barely blink when they pull out a decapitated head in the morgue, squabble over who is more chicken, dig into the mouth and eventually discover vampire fangs.

Yes, of course they do.

*

Next scene: Two hot guys walk into a bar…..

…….where the adorable Benny, who is not Benny in this episode but a random dude ( spoilers—later we find out the dude is a vampire), gives them directions/ mis- directions to a possible vampire nest.

We see the first glimpse of Gordon Walker, amazingly played by Sterling K. Brown, and making us worry about and dislike him almost right away. The way he is shown with the light and shade bars on his face from the window blinds is so menacing.

The next few scenes continue to build that sense of unease where the Winchester brothers, apparently telepathically, decide to double back and catch him following them, then he shows them his car and his weapons, where he references their dad and then refuses their offer for help.

The scene where he shows them his car is like a painting. (The car by the way is just as inconspicuous as the Impala –which is to say NOT AT ALL!! How do these people stay below the radar of the regular law enforcement is a mystery….).

The dust highlighting the rays of light, the two brothers on one side of the car and Gordon at the other, it’s all so consciously set up for a few seconds worth of screen time. Impressive!

Next comes a truly brutal kill, at Dean’s hands, which we don’t even see except as a spray of blood on his face. Poetic! But it is Dean’s expression that makes my stomach clench. His eyes are dead and he is somewhere deep that even Sam can’t reach, as we can see from the distress on Sam’s face.

Gordon of course is all chipper and full of bonhomie and offers to buy them drinks.

That following scene is the one which gives Wincest brother-wives vibes like 100%.

*

Sam plays the role of the disgruntled ‘wife’ to perfection. No one but hubby is allowed to use the nickname. He hates the male bonding going on with Gordon and the more Gordon seems to slip into Dean’s inner circle, the more uncomfortable Sam gets, until he finally decides that he just cannot physically be there any more.

Dean’s smug expression when Sam tells Gordon off for calling him Sammy, his instant worry at Sam going back alone, his hand raised in exasperation to convey to Gordon—look what I have to put up with-- the tossing of the keys to his car----it is all a symphony of Dean playing his part in the brother-wives orchestra.

The last line?! ‘Remind me to beat the buzzkill out of you later.’ And Sam’s expression at that? That’s exactly the way a bullying /abusive husband would react to a nagging wife who doesn’t like his toxic friends and wonders how he can be so blind as to not see them for the bad influence they clearly are.

( Bad Dean!!!)

Sam goes back to the motel and does his due diligence by checking with Ellen, gets kidnapped by vampires, released and on his return is disgusted to find Gordon inside their motel room.

*

The next scene is where Dean erupts, having clearly had enough of the shifting power dynamics between them over the evening. Sam has been silently judging him since the kill and Gordon has managed to ‘other’ Sam and make Dean feel validated in his own bloodlust as a hunter.

Dean clocks Sam one.

Wow. I did not see that coming. And what shocked me at this re- watch is that Sam just takes it.

Like an abused wife, he just takes it. Not only that, sometime later in the episode he tells Dean to hit him again if it is going to make him feel better.

NO Sam! NO!!! This is NOT healthy and this is NOT the way to deal….ugh. Sigh.

*

Then the second half of the episode swings in and the moral dilemma they face becomes clear when the victim and villain switch roles and Dean is shook enough to question his dad’s judgement!

Dean is still kind of trying to give Gordon the benefit of the doubt even though he sees him literally torturing the vampire. But of course all bets are off the instant he touches Sam. Dean pulls his gun on him. I was surprised that he didn’t shoot him just on principle later simply because he hurt Sam even if it was a small cut.

That is Dean’s definition of monsters-- Anything that hurts Sam. 😊

*

We don’t know it at this time, and spoilers ahead, but maybe Dean has been so annoyed and violent with Sam at the idea that he is standing up for MONSTERS is because he might also be one….and the way he looks at the end when he realizes that his whole life’s philosophy has been upended.

There are the details about the vampires who drink cattle blood so they don’t harm humans and therefore want to be treated as the good guys. Of course it is all about the inherent struggle between who you are and what you do—something that shows up hugely magnified in the later seasons when Sam is struggling with his own demon blood addiction and the knowledge of the demon blood inside him.

He needs desperately to believe in this as the utmost foundation stone of his life and its purpose—what you DO is more important than what you ARE!

So even if you are a monster, if you don’t behave like one—that is your redemption.

But it’s not just anybody whose faith he wants in his struggle to prove to himself that he is not a monster. He needs it from Dean.

Remember the dialogue from the panic room “Don’t you say that to me. Don’t YOU say that to me.”

And the fake voicemail set up by Zachariah exploits this at the time of the breaking of the last seal.

*

Of course he doesn’t know any of this yet, but that’s Sam fucking Winchester for you –always purer and better than his circumstances allow. Always struggling to do better, be better.😍

*

It is fascinating how the visuals and the roles these two play are of rugged handsome men, badass heroes-- Dean of course super macho role playing all the time. But there are so many layers upon layers and honestly if it wasn’t for Jared and Jensen’s fine nuanced and impeccable acting adding depth to the characters, the show would not have held our interest for this long.

We are shown Sam as the brains with his lore and research, but then in the very next episode (Children Shouldn’t Play with Dead Things), we see Dean connect dots faster than Sherlock Holmes.

Dean is shown as the instinctively violent one with the gun under his pillow, trigger happy, and in this episode even that brutal kill of the vampire on the docks. But then please remember the way Sam kills Gordon finally. Or the insane way he bites himself to get blood for drawing sigils. Or the way he just simply shoots the crossroads demon point blank!

We see Sam as the soft hearted one and he does rescue kids once in a while, but he is never shown to bond with them even a fraction of the way Dean does—so effortlessly. Also the ladies of course, all of whom have a soft spot for Dean. The exceptions being Sarah and Madison, both of whom completely ignored Dean. Oh and that doctor from Sex and Violence.

Dean has had his share of bad dates of course with Cassie, the woman who gave birth to his magical superfast growing daughter ( who was killed by Sam), and the whole Lisa arc, but somehow we are shown Sam as the one who is invested in relationships. Hello?! Sam was planning to marry Jessica without having told her a thing about his life while Dean told Cassie the secret as soon as he thought he was in love and wanted a relationship.

So anyway, just to say that a rewatch is so brilliant because we know more about them at this point than they do and the character arc is such a thing of beauty to see unfolding!

*

That last scene where Dean is in a thoughtful frame of mind, the sun is rising overhead ( as a metaphor for him seeing the light, maybe?)--that insanely gorgeous shot of Dean with the ring of fire and light and his absolutely perfect face in a close up…sigh.

Then he thanks Sam for pushing him to see this grey area and for the first time in that episode Sam finally smiles.

His big brother is back with him.

And then he commits to Dean too. Ah…how it warms my heart to hear this dialogue!

 DEAN I wish we never took this job. It's jacked everything up.

SAM What do you mean?

DEAN Think about all the hunts we went on, Sammy, our whole lives.

SAM Okay.

DEAN What if we killed things that didn't deserve killing? You know? I mean, the way Dad raised us...

SAM Dean, after what happened to Mom, Dad did the best he could.

DEAN I know he did. But the man wasn't perfect. And the way he raised us, to hate those things; and man, I hate 'em. I do. When I killed that vampire at the mill I didn't even think about it; hell, I even enjoyed it.

SAM You didn't kill Lenore.

DEAN No, but every instinct told me to. I was gonna kill her. I was gonna kill 'em all.

SAM Yeah, Dean, but you didn't. And that's what matters.

DEAN Yeah. Well, 'cause you're a pain in my ass.

SAM Guess I might have to stick around to be a pain in the ass, then.

DEAN Thanks.

SAM Don't mention it.

Transcript here http://www.supernaturalwiki.com/index.php?title=2.03_Bloodlust_%28transcript%29

 Guess Sam does stick around for the next 15 years to be a pain in the ass 😊

Some quotes from the writers about this episode: 

·  "The episode was really about what Dean would become if he didn't watch out: that Gordon was Dean in ten years if Sam didn't ask the difficult questions and keep him from getting too militant." - Executive story editor Sera Gamble

· "We set out to create a monster episode where you weren't entirely sure whether these monsters should be killed." - Eric Kripke

· "For me, the show is at its best when the supernatural story reveals something new about the brothers, or forces them to change in some way. Sam and Dean's realization that they've basically been raised as 'monster racists' was really meaty stuff. Exploring these characters' flaws is just as important as showcasing their heroism - these are the things that make them human, that make us invest in them." - Raelle Tucker

Check out this site for more amazing trivia and stuff

http://www.jonescave.com/supernatural/Episode/Episode.php?s=2&e=3#PopCulture

I have already finished watching the next episode ‘Children’s Shouldn’t play with Dead Things’….so let’s hope I get around to writing a review sometime soon !

[haosvteen]

Shy | wen junhui

a/n: this truly transported me back to going to frat parties oh goodness. i hope you enjoy this!! it was fun to write, i need this junnie in my life tbh :) let me know your thoughts, if you’d like!! <3

college!fratboy!jun x reader

~ - fluff

word count: 2.9k

masterlist

tw: brief mentions of alcohol / instance of wrist grabbed

“Hey, Jun, I submitted our presentation,” you chime as you pass by the group of boys turned every which way in their desks, chatting loudly before class starts. The tall boy turns his body around in his seat to face you, a blush creeping up on his cheeks as he raises his hand slightly to offer a wave of thanks. His frat bros around him start the typical banter of “Ooooo, Junnieeee”.

Rolling your eyes, you stop and turn around, a sharp rebuttal on the tip of your tongue. Opening your mouth to come back to the boys with some witty remark that would hopefully sting them, your brain takes over your actions and you’re reminded how useless it would be to even entertain their jokes. You settle on another slight eye roll. Before you whip back around to make your way to your seat, Jun catches your eye and a clearly apologetic look is plastered onto his face.

Sliding into your seat towards the back of the class, you wonder why Jun hangs out with those boys? Why did he even join the fraternity in the first place? You’ve known Jun since the first semester of freshman year of university from being placed in the same orientation group and when you found out he joined a fraternity, you were honestly a little shocked. Shy Jun from orientation? In one of the frats known for the craziest parties? It didn’t sound like the Jun you met and have come to know over the years. The memory of your first meeting plays so clearly in your mind, as if it happened yesterday:

“Hey, do you know where we’re supposed to meet?” you ask, jogging up to the tall boy looking around campus just as you. Stopping in front of him, you greet him with a smile and you’re met with the tall boy’s wide eyes and stuttering mouth.

“I just noticed we have the same color tag,” you explain, picking up your lanyard to emphasize your point. “It said the south quad? I’m thinking it’s maybe down that way by the dining hall? I’m not sure.”

Looking up at him, raising your hand to block the sun from your eyes, you see him struggling to find the words, “I uh, yeah I um...I think it’s that way too.”

“Okay, cool,” you enthusiastically respond, heading down the pathway to where you had pointed. Realizing the boy was not next to you, you turn around, “You coming?”

“Yeah! Yeah,” he says as he slightly jogs to catch up with you. 

“I’m Y/N by the way,” you tell him once he is by your side.

“Jun,” he replies. 

From your walk to the south quad and freshman orientation, you could tell that Jun wasn’t much of a talker. He kept to himself. Even after orientation was over, you still saw him often due to having the same major and almost identical class schedules, but you never really spoke. You’d offer a smile whenever you saw him and he always returned it, however there wasn’t really much speaking. You don’t even know if you’ve had a proper conversation with him. When you’ve been paired for group projects, you mainly communicate through email. He’s shy, that’s okay.

Ripped from your reminiscent thoughts by your phone vibrating in your hand, you look down to see what the notification was.

are you ready for tonight?? i heard tchi is having a ceos and office hoes party👀

Sighing, you take a moment to think about the text your roommate just sent. You have a huge essay due in a few days that you’ve barely even started on...you really should work on that tonight instead of going to this frat party. But it’s a TChi party...and that’s the frat Jun is in...you’ll just wake up extra early the next couple of days to make up for the lost time.

i’m in, let’s goooo

Time could not pass any slower as you waited for the professor to wrap up class. “Now this marketing strategy is useful when blah blah blah”, you were just ready to head back to your apartment and plan your outfit for the party tonight. You’d never admit it, not even to yourself...but maybe you wanted to look good because Jun would be there? Is that that reason you’re so excited? No, you’re excited to go out and have a good time with your roommate...right?

Finally, after an agonizingly long hour and fifteen minutes, class is over and you can go home. You quickly gather your belongings, stuffing them into your backpack and walking towards the door. As you pass Jun and his fraternity brothers, you hear a voice call out, “Hey, Y/N, will I be seeing you at the party tonight?”

Turning around, to identify who was speaking to you, there are six pairs of eyes glued on you. Assuming the boy with the cocky grin on his face is the culprit, you narrow your eyes and retort, “Wouldn’t you like to know” and continue to walk out of the classroom. You weren’t 100% sure, but you think you saw Jun stifle a laugh as you exited.

You and your roommate decide to go check the local thrift stores for some button up shirts to complete your “office hoes” look for the part (how anyone comes up with these ideas is beyond you) and grab a light bite to eat. The rest of the evening is spent perfecting your outfits, listening to bad music on the Spotify frat party playlists, and pregaming with shots on shots on shots.

By the time it’s 10:00pm and the DD arrived, you’re already a little tipsy.  You and your roommate are a giggling mess as you hurry out to the DD’s car, swinging open the door and plopping in. The short ride consists of the young DD trying to flirt with you both (awfully, might I add) and your roommate going along with his attempts just for the fun of it. Before you know it, he stops the car in the middle of the narrow street and you two shout your thanks as you slide out of the car, preparing yourself for whatever scene you were about to meet when you walked into the house.

Passing a few groups of people who already had friends who are blacked out and vomiting in the yard, you make your way to the backdoor to enter the house booming with music. Twisting the doorknob, you are met with a gust of hot air and the strong smell of a concoction of various alcohols & kool aid packets. Your roommate grabs hold of your hand and begins the trek through the large crowd in the kitchen, making a pit stop at the island to grab a cup of whatever the strong drink was that everyone had. 

The entire time you’re walking through, you can’t help but search the room for Jun. Why? You’re not sure. As you continue your way through the intoxicated bodies to the stairs leading down to the basement where the music was coming from, your eyes meet with the same boy from class earlier with the cocky grin. You groan and bring the cup up to your lips, downing the sour beverage. You try your best to ignore him as you pass, however, he places a hand on your waist and says, “I’ll find you later, okay?”. 

Looking at him with the most disgusted look you can muster, you shove his hand off of you and follow your roommate down the staircase and into the basement where you’re greeted by the image of numerous frat boys grinding with scantily clad girls. Aaand this is why you typically like to stay in. Was the reason you came out tonight to see Jun? No...absolutely not...deny till you die, baby.

Your roommate grabs your other hand, dragging you out to the middle of the dance floor and you begin to move with the music. You don’t even know how long you were dancing for when you noticed your cup was empty. “Hey! I’m gonna go get another cup!” you shout over the music to your roommate.

“Okay! I’m gonna go over there and talk to some of my friends from class!”, they yell back to you, motioning over to a group of people talking in the corner. You nod and part ways. Making your way out of the sea of bodies dancing, you trip over someone’s stray leg and feel an arm on your waist catch you. Looking up, unfortunately, it’s cocky grin guy from class. You don’t even know his name, that’s how little you’re interested in him. 

Rolling your eyes for what felt like the millionth time today (at this point you were sure they would get stuck in the back of our head), you try to push him off of you. “Hey now, I told you I was going to find you later, didn’t I?” he says, the pungent smell of beer rolling out of his mouth and into your face.

“Ugh, gosh, get away from me,” you say, finally pushing him hard enough that he stumbles backward a little bit, allowing you time to start walking away from him. As you reach out for the railing of the staircase, you feel a strong grip on your wrist. Turning around, there is again. What does this guy not get? Can he not leave you alone? What is his deal?

“What are you walking away from me for, huh?” he slurs out, clearly extremely drunk. 

“I’m not interested,” you sternly respond, attempting to tug your wrist out of his hand. His grip tightens and your heartbeat starts to quicken, your tipsy mind becoming clearer due to the danger you felt. He continues inching closer towards you, his nasty breath growing closer and closer to your face.

“Dude, she said she’s not interested,” a voice says as a tall body stands next to you and easily removes the boy’s hand from you. You retract your wrist into your chest, rubbing at the bruise that will inevitably be there tomorrow.

“What do you care? Is she your girlfriend or something?” the drunken frat boy responds, clearly trying to pick a fight.

“It doesn’t matter if she has a boyfriend or not. You don’t just grab girls like that whenever you please,” finally you look up to see Jun glaring down at the much shorter boy. “You shouldn’t back off just because a girl has a boyfriend. You should back off because she said no. Now, get a DD to take you home. You’re way too drunk to be here.”

The drunken boy shrugs past Jun and stomps up the stairs, clearly angry. You watch him stumble past people coming down into the basement as Jun gently touches your wrist. All of your attention is immediate back on him.

“Come on, let’s go up and get you some ice,” he says, giving you a soft smile and placing his hand on your shoulder and arm to help guide you up the stairs. Once in the kitchen, he opens the freezer and wraps some cubes of ice into a random kitchen towel he found in a tucked away drawer. 

“Do you want to go to my room? It’s upstairs, so it’ll be quieter and you’ll be able to take a minute,” he offered, motioning over to where you presume the stairs are. You nod and his hands resume their places on your shoulder and arm, continuing your journey through the sweaty crowd of people. He moves the large piece of wood that covers the staircase so no random party goers can go up to the bedrooms, then you really get to see how nice the house was. You never would have expected this from a frat house, but it was actually well kept. 

Jun leads you to the second to last door on the right, twisting the doorknob, and opening the door for you. You can’t help but notice the stuffed animal laying on his bed of a cat as you try to subdue your smile. Of course Jun is the type to have a cat stuffed animal, you wouldn’t expect anything less.

You sit on the edge of his well made bed as he closes the door and comes down to sit next to you. He tenderly lifts your wrist from your lap and places the ice onto it. 

“Sorry about him,” he says, breaking the silence.

“It’s okay,” you respond, not sure what to say. You honestly were just in shock because this was not the quiet boy you were used to. He responds with a short, breathy laugh and a grin, the previous silence returning.

“I think this is the most I’ve ever heard you talk,” you comment, looking from your wrist up to him. You could swear you saw his cheeks start to become red.

“Maybe it’s because I’m a little tipsy,” he says with a smile, resituating the ice pack on your wrist. 

“I like hearing your voice...you should be tipsy more often,” you reply before you even have a chance to think about it. Maybe you’re tipsy, as well.

The silence returns for a moment before Jun begins, “You know the reason I never really talk around you is because I have a crush on you?”

Your heart drops as you search his face for any sort of emotion, but you couldn’t tell. He just kept holding your hand and situating the ice pack.

“It makes me feel like a dumb kid again, but...that first day we met, the reason I stuttered and stammered and made a fool out of myself is because...I don’t know I’d just never seen anyone like you before. Someone who’s willing to walk right up to a stranger and immediately try to become their friend. I’d never met anyone so genuinely kind like you,” he continues.

Your mind was blank. You had no clue what to say. All this time? Jun had...liked you? Had a crush on you? Has a crush on you?? All this time while you’d been wondering why he was so shy...it was because he...likes you?

“Plus you’re insanely beautiful...but that’s besides the point,” he adds on with a smirk. At that, you can’t help but giggle. You never would’ve expected the shy boy you met to be so flirty.

“Why would you be nervous around me, though?? I literally am so un-intimidating,” you respond, not entirely sure what to say.

“Come on, look at you...how could I not be?” he says, looking up at you, your face inches away from each other. Your heart races in your chest and you’re 99% sure you might be about to have a heart attack in this boy’s bedroom right now. Your eyes flick down to his lips as you start to slowly move in closer to him, lips mere centimeters away.

BOOM BOOM BOOM. “Hey, Jun! You in there man?? There’s someone out here looking for a Y/n? I don’t know who that is, but someone said she came up here with you,” a voice shouts from the hallway. Jun closes his eyes and lets his head drop down onto your knee. With a groan of annoyance, he gets up from the bed and swings his door open, revealing the image of a boy with a beer can in hand and your roommate with tears streaming down their cheeks. You immediately shoot up from the bed and make your way to them.

“Hey, hey, what’s wrong?” you ask, concern fills your voice. After several choked out sobs, they finally tell you that their ex texted them and of course it has become a complete ordeal. As they sob in your arms, you look up and Jun and mouth a “sorry” to him. 

“I’ll get you guys a DD to take you home,��� he says as he pulls his phone out of his pocket. After several minutes of your roommate sitting on the floor in Jun's room crying and ranting to the two of you, the DD finally arrives.

Jun follows you both outside, ensuring that you make it to the car safely and helps you get your friend into the vehicle.

“Hey, hold on, give me your phone real quick,” he says and takes your phone from your extended hand. He quickly types something in and gives it back. “There’s my number, text me when you get home safely.”

You can’t help the butterflies that flutter throughout your body. You slide into the car with your friend and Jun closes the door after you. 

He leans down into the open window, “Do you wanna maybe get breakfast tomorrow? I think we may have a lot of talking to do,” he says with a cheeky smile.

You laugh and shake your head as you look up at him, “Sounds like a date.”

One of the widest smiles you’ve ever seen is painted on his face as he pushes off from the car and backs away. As the car drives off, you turn around looking at the back window seeing Jun doing a little celebratory dance in the street. Looks like he isn’t that shy kid you met freshman year anymore.

[milknette]

day o3 - mouse

what i gotta do to be with you?

tumblr month: @marichatmay​ links: ao3 | ff.net

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT: im here marinette ฅ(•ω•^ฅ)

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG: how did you get that user… you know what? not even going to question it

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT: guess i cat you by surprise? :>

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG: im starting to regret asking you for help,,

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT: no WAIT i’ll prove it that i’ll be helpful!! furgive me?

Marinette looked up from her laptop, almost wanting to smack herself in the head. What had possessed her to think that asking Chat Noir, of all people, for help with her essay, was a good idea?

She sighed, running a tired hand down her face. It wasn’t on purpose.

———

Chat Noir had dropped by her room yesterday (during patrol: she had to berate him for doing that later; as Ladybug, of course), only to find the girl stressfully going through a ton of workbooks and worksheets.

“Marinette?” He called, only to be loudly shushed by the girl before him.

“NOT THE TIME, CHAT.” She stated, only sparing him a glance before quickly going back to the task at hand.

Curious (and apparently not having heard of the idiom: curiosity kills the cat), Chat Noir simply walked over to her, looking at the mess of papers and books on her desk, noticing one in particular: a French-to-Chinese dictionary. “What are you doing?”

Pinching her nose in irritation, Marinette looked up at him. “I took up a Mandarin class,” she finally responded. “We just had our first class today, and our professor already gave us an assignment: to create an essay introducing ourselves!” She cried, hands flying upward in stress. “I don’t know any Chinese! And it’s due by the end of the week!”

Chat Noir looked sympathetic, knowing exactly which professor she had: he had the same one before, and though their teaching was extremely effective (he picked up the language rather quickly), it was just as difficult and taxing to survive the first few weeks.

He also knew that the paper wasn’t graded: though he clearly couldn’t tell her that (not without revealing his identity, at least).

So, he decided on the next best thing.

“Let me help you, then.” Chat Noir replied, ignoring Marinette’s dubious look— and before she could protest, he easily grabbed a pen, then started writing on one of the blank papers.

Marinette looked at him blankly as soon as he finished, seemingly victorious.

“See?” He asked.

“See what?”

“... what I wrote.”

“Is that… hello?”

“It’s your name.”

“...”

“...”

“Please help me out.”

“Of course.”

———

After that, they decided that it would be better to work online: since Chat Noir had his superhero duties (duties which, unfortunately, didn’t include teaching civilians Mandarin), and it was clear to the two that him helping with his civilian identity wasn’t a possibility either.

Instead, Marinette created a Google Docs file, and gave him the link so he could help out from home.

They had been working on the paper for almost three hours now, and though she hated to admit it, Chat Noir was extremely helpful. He was very patient with her, answering all the questions she had; only giving the occasional comment on grammatical or spelling errors.

It would have been perfect, if not for the surge of puns that flooded their Google Docs chat history.

However, they had gotten into a working groove, and she did manage to finish her paper, which she was extremely grateful for.

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG: thanks for helping me out, chat.

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT: anytime <3 … wait i have a picture to send you

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG: am i going to regret looking at it

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT purrobably. but you love me anyway. ;)

Suddenly, she saw the photo sent:

It was the Google Docs file the two were working on, but he had crudely encircled the middle portion, where his computer mouse was hovering her own stationary one.

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT what if… we held hands…. in ur google docs assignment….. :o

Against her own will, Marinette felt a laugh escape her throat. That was… terrible? Corny? Cute?

Did she just think Chat Noir was cute?

She was grateful to him for helping out (both as Marinette and as Ladybug). She knew how busy he always was; and she liked that he could keep a cool and positive demeanor throughout it all.

Ladybug couldn’t imagine saving Paris without Chat Noir.

And Marinette couldn’t imagine her days without Chat Noir’s regular balcony visits.

In fact, the hero had become her best friend, both in her superhero persona and outside of it.

But recently, she had found herself… wanting more, as it was.

Marinette breathed in deeply, then smiled, finally set on her reply:

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG: only holding hands through the internet? kinda jealous of my computer mouse right now :\\

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT whsdkfsjs??!?@ WHAT

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG i just think we both need a breath of fresh air after all that work :D up for a midnight walk, kitty? i can hold your hand if you get scared. :>

ANONYMOUS NYAN CAT FMDFSD,MLDS;AF’]] HELL YES I AM ON MY WAY RIGHT NOW SEE YOU SOON !!! <33333333

MARINETTE DUPAIN-CHENG why are u such a dork … not like i hate it though

see you, chat<3

[johnathan-cowden]

Subdivisions

There isn’t a doubt in my mind that Rush will always be my favourite progressive rock band. It’s part of the reason why this essay isn’t about an entire album, but only one song (and this won’t be the last essay I do on Rush). Growing up, almost all the music I heard was in my dad’s car, and he was very big on classic rock when I knew him, particularly prog. Because of that I have a love of bands like Pink Floyd and Queen that lives on to this day, but strangely enough, apart from Spirit of the Radio I never heard any Rush. I don’t at all understand why. Geddy Lee is my favourite bassist of all time, one of my favourite vocalists, and overall my second favourite musician (after Elena Tonra of course). Alex Lifeson is one of the most creative guitarists the world has ever seen, knowing exactly when to hold back and play an emotional melody, and when to let loose and just shred like a God of metal. A lot of the time, he could do both at the same time. Neil Peart is the best drummer of all time. He just is. Show someone 2112, or YYZ, or La Villa Strangiato, and ask them if they can find a better example of an incredible rock drummer. They won’t be able to, because there isn’t one, and I won’t be told otherwise. Apart from this though, he was also the band’s primary lyricist. After joining the band in 1974, he wrote some of the greatest lyrics ever written, concerning subjects from philosophy, to politics, to literature, the nature of freedom, pretty much any deep subject you can imagine. One of my favourite songs he ever wrote lyrics for is Subdivisions, and I believe it goes some way to showing what an incredible lyricist he was.

Rest in Peace, Neil Peart

 “Nowhere is the dreamer or the misfit so alone”

In the case of this song, there’s pretty much no need for any backstory or context, or any of the other excuses I use for not getting straight to the point. This song is about the tedium of growing up in a suburban environment. It’s very much a timeless song as it was released in 1982 and I as well as many other people my age still relate to it very easily. What this song very cleverly does is compare the physicality of the suburbs to the people living within it, being on the fringes of the city and the country, there’s often a lack of identity, or at the very least, a lack of an interesting one.

The music video tells the story of one of the misfits mentioned in the lyrics, living in the suburbs and never feeling as if he fits in. It’s a little bit funny to watch the video in 2020 and see all the old cars, the stereotypical 80s high school nerd. This is because the ‘subdivisions’ the song mentions don’t only refer to the suburbs themselves, but as I said, the people there. When I said the people in the suburbs had a lack of identity, that wasn’t entirely true. I meant the parents. The teens in the video are the main characters, but when you imagine stereotypical 80s parents, there really aren’t any different types.  But with teens, there’s goths, jocks, nerds, cheerleaders, so many different subdivisions of the culture. This is why the video is almost funny to watch, we exist in a time where the fragmentation of popular culture means this isn’t a problem for teens anymore. When I was 13, I was seeing the end of this idea. There were 3 subdivisions at my school: kids who liked football (or soccer if you’re American), kids who liked heavy metal, and other. I was very much in the metal subdivision, but that’s a story for another essay. The point is, it’s a far cry from the stereotypical tribal nature of the song, and all media from the 80s. I’m 19 now, and the subdivisions have all but disappeared. Kids younger than me don’t feel the need to section themselves off into different groups that seemed to be at war with the others, and that’s a very good thing in my opinion.

Despite all this, Subdivisions is still somewhat relatable due to the nature of the suburbs themselves. The environment of the suburbs absolutely does not encourage any kind of individuality and can actually be seen to dissuade it. The houses are boring. It’s where school is. Its where you go to your soul-crushing Saturday job so you can earn a tiny amount of money you aren’t even sure if you need. But the city, that’s a different story. I live in a suburb of Manchester, England, and I feel very lucky because of this. It’s a cultural centre, a beautiful city with a rich history of music, art, and science. When I’m in Manchester, I can almost forget that 7 miles away lies the most boring place in the world that I have to return to once the fun is over. I don’t know anything about Toronto, where the music video was filmed, but I imagine that the story is pretty similar over there. And what about the far unlit unknown? Well, the clue is in the name. There’s not much out there, but why should that stop anyone from being interested? It’s different to what you know living in the suburbs, and often that’s enough.

Even the instrumentation is a misfit in the music of the time. For the first time in a Rush song, the bass, drums, and guitars were all rhythm instruments, while the synth and vocals handled the melody. This did mean that Geddy Lee was singing, playing bass, and playing keyboard all at the same time, which really is a testament to the man’s skill. However, this means that the song didn’t sound like any other at the time, let alone by Rush. It has 2 keyboard solos, and one guitar solo (even though I would say that the bass steals the show during the guitar solo, but I’m obviously biased). I’ve heard it said that you can trace the roots of the genre futurefunk back to this song, and while I’m not sure I agree with that, the influence of the song is clear. The synth was not a widely explored instrument at the time of the song, and Rush definitely helped with its popularity.

This song feels like a friend that understands you. Even though it wasn’t written for us in our time, its still kind of relatable. If you feel alone, like no one understands you, that you can’t express yourself or your identity, maybe take a listen to this song. It understands you. It knows how you feel, as does everyone else in the past, present, and future who have felt the same.

[gotatext]

by this point im p sure u all know the drill.... i’m nora, 23, she/her, gmt and tonight matthew im going to be greta o’driscoll, a terrible person but a hot one which frankly makes it almost ok. here is her pinterest..... this intro is literally just copied n pasted frm the last time i played her so soz if u’ve read it like 10+ times.... 

「 diana silvers. cis-female. 」have you seen greta o’driscoll around yet? i hear she decided to be in POTENTAS for their SOPHOMORE year as a CRIMINAL PSYCHOLOGY major. the 20 year old SHEPHERD is known to be tenacious, magnetic, capricious and evasive. ➨ the muse is written by nora, she/her, gmt.

was adopted as an infant. had two foster moms and two older sisters so always surrounded by women. lived in a boarding house, very much like the one in 20th century women, with lodgers coming in and out all the time, mostly artsy young women because her gay moms were both high school teachers trying to set up their own arts collective. one of her moms left when she was 4, n she doesn’t really remember her.

while living with entirely women made her super into catlin moran and the guilty feminist, as a teenager she often let boys walk all over her bc she just craved male attention jst bcos she’d never really experienced it. saw it as something aspirational, like sitting in the back of chad’s second-hand truck while he drove you to macdonalds and offered you and his five friends with identical haircuts weed was the height of being cool to greta, she wanted to be their dream girl, even if it meant compromising her beliefs

was always a really sporty bitch. it started with a junior athletics squad, which turned into athletics and cheer, which then became athletics, cheer and hockey until she basically was doing a different activity every night. she came to see her body as a tool that she could make work for her if she trained it up and this attitude’s always kind of stayed with her that as long as her body is strong she is capable of anything. runs every day. 

bubbly bitch but also massive snake. metaphorically and literally, always shedding her skin. loyal to few, ruled by none, out for herself, babey!! every place she goes, she becomes a new character, someone who’s a figment of her imagination, as if each city is repertory theatre and she’s a character actress, so as a result som ppl think she’s called rita, some ppl know her as margot, she just flicks through identities like nobodies business.

left school at 18 n went backpacking around the states making money in the casinos by being a shot girl (yeehaw) and trying to make it as a mysterious 1920s widow with a smoky voice, a dark secret n a heart of gold, looking for love in the big city. all she found was producers and acting agents who’d promise her stardom n actually just fuck her in a motel n then ignore her calls.

TW domestic violence, TW gun, her watershed moment came when she met luke in sioux falls while she was working at a strip club. he was a few years older and had a car, and they kind of went from seeing each other to being that super intense couple who are just necking all the time.

they got engaged like 3 months after they met n rented a flat together, much to her family’s annoyance but she was 19 so there wasn’t much they could do. their relationship was super super intense though, often really heightened and when they fought it could become quite violent, but she’d pass it off as just him being really passionate.

one of their fights got really heated and greta threatened him with the gun he kept in the glove box of his vauxhall corsa, but the safety was off and she accidentally shot him. she pleaded self defence in the trial n cos of the amount of times she’d been hospitalised for various concussions n things like ‘fallling down the stairs’ the police were like yea… pretty watertight evidence that he was a bastard who [chicago voice] had it coming….. 

she’s now under witness protection, rehoused in livingstone as a sports-scholarship student, due to the amount of police involvement in the area, it would mean should one of luke’s family members try to track her down, she’d be relatively safe

massive sports fanatic. plays tennis. on the cheer team. was a track superstar in her high school. honestly just that sporty bitch, you’ll see her doing lines at a party at half four and then on your way to your 9am lecture you see her running across the park like a fresh fucking daisy who is this bitch. maybe it’s maybelline, maybe its coke.

massive feminist. low key quite scared of powerful men bcos of her ex. wants to start a female only lesbian commune bc she misses her childhood in a south dakota boarding house and has endless support for women. honestly annoyed that she is attracted to men, would so be 100% gay if it was a choice. cuffs her jeans and can’t drive. is That bisexual. skateboards. wears backwards caps.  i hate her 

isn’t a foward-planner, however. greta prefers to leave her options open, play the field, live in a spontaneous manners so her study style is mostly cramming a few days before a test, or staying up all night writing an essay on a massive adrenline boost powered by red bull or probably adderall, scribbling (or typing) furiously into the night.

has an addictive personality. seems unable to do anything in a small dose, she has to let it utterly consume her. with sports, she’s fiercely competitive. with alcohol, it’s never a shot, it’s a whole bottle – wine or whiskey – she’ll be table dancing before the night’s up and making out with someone she’ll regret in the morning. 

not afraid to go after what she wants !! ambitious academically and romantically thirsty !! she loves the adrenaline of the chase. when someone’s easy to get, she becomes bored. very bisexual and very proud of it. feminist as fuck nd part of a queer representation in the arts group which holds fortnightly meetings to discuss lgbt representation in film, literature, art etc.

old soul in a young person’s body. all the shit that has gone on has kind of aged her. she’s quite cynical about everything now. always smoking smoking smoking. very edie sedgwick in that way.  little girls skirts bought for next-to-nothing at the market because she’s skinny enough to get away with it, barely long enough to cover your bum, and then the ugliest baggy sweater you’ve ever seen thrown over it.

likes old things. old books, old music, old houses, it reminds her of happier times like when she wasn’t alive. buys all her music on vinyl and has a gramphone because “The Sound quality is Better” kfdsjj.

super into pop art and andy warhol. puts female friendships above everything but at the same time, would fuck her best friends man

her clothing style is like…. vintage thrift store but make it preppy. berets and cute hats, neck scarves, large fluffy cardigans or like those leathery jackets with big suede fringes on them, mini skirts (very 70s), and knee high socks or boots. quite often she’ll be in sports kit, maybe a cute tennis skirt, n when she’s feeling casual she’ll wear like, a talking heads tshirt with a pair of mom jeans and converse, but otherwise, the library is her catwalk.

aesthetics:

a bubble of pink gum on chapped lips, mom jeans, a beaten up pair of adidas, denim jackets, strawberry laces, knee-highs, chapped lips, peeling sticky plasters, split knuckles, bruises you try to cover with concealer, stick and poke tattoos, hot coffee, sleep caught in your eyes on a lazy afternoon, kissing girls, cigarette smoke shrouding you like a veil, alien conspiracy theories and sci-fi paperbacks, doc martens with fraying laces, the red string of a thong peaking out purposely from jeans, leonine arch of your back and that stellar smile that says ‘you have no idea who you’re dealing with’, a rucksack permanently packed for the move, a streak of red across your lips, roller blades, cut knees, not eating your greens, smiling with a mouthful of blood, and piercing your own ears with a safety pin when your mom wouldn’t take you, kate moss posters lining the walls of a teenage bedroom, his name scrawled in rage across the pages of a diary, thumb holes poked through the cuffs of your sleeves, a tennis racket you punched through in a fit of temper, feet pounding the earth until your soles bleed crimson, sleeping in a cherry lip balm and scrunchies to keep the wild locks from your eyes.

wanted plots

frinds !! unlikely friends !! toxic friends !! former best friends separated by sports rivalries ! sporting friends who are on other teams but who she absolutely loves playin against!!! 

since greta literally can’t differentiate between romantic and platonic love, she’s got off with so many of her mates, so i want awkward friendships where they nearly dated, or exes that have now just turned into weird friendships

 girls from the cheer team who she’s like, weirdly intimate with like the shower together but its not a Thing cos the other girls straight !!! what do u mean !! aha just fun !

and I want like, fellow criminology students who are like?? how is this bitch still passing?? i swear she goes out every night?? 

she works part time at a fast food restaurant, i want a mate that just goes and sits in there talking to her until her manager gets angry. 

ppl she did a few modules with ie. art history, bio-med, film studies, before changing course and somehow sort of remaining in touch with

 ppl who she runs track with. 

someone she’s trying to make a zine with. 

here’s a list of plots on her old blog if u want any of them w her.

would love plots of any type, throw them all at me please, i cnt wait to interact w all of u. like this if u want me to message you about connections / plots! xo

full biography if u can be bothered

trigger warnings: drugs, domestic abuse, gun.

you never meant for it to happen. you’d heard the stories, of girls who let their man walk all over them, and thought to yourself “i’ll never be one of those girls…” the kind that eat low-fat yoghurt and drink slim fast to shred a few extra pounds because he said she was getting round in the tummy, or the ones who spent their evenings tied to a kitchen sink drinking wine while him and the boys played poker, wishing god, if only I could get out of here. not you, not you raised by strong women, four bright shining beacons. single mother with her hard-as-nails attitude and her stony glares, elder sisters (twins) one ginger, one blonde, one doctor, one lawyer, both determined to take a bullet to the brain and a hammer to the patriarchy before they let a man touch them without asking. you were always so inferior, so insecure and small, like a bird (like a sparrow) with blonde plaits down your back sucking tropicana whilst your busom buds sucked dick, their lips permanently ripe with stories of their sexual exploits, fake tan and glittered nails whilst you sat in the unbroken egg of virginity wondering what it was like to be loved. one day you found out.

lily milligan’s parents gone and a free house for the night, bottles of ouzo and tequila swiped from your mother’s liquor cabinet thinking she wouldn’t know (she always knew) your legs, hardened from pep squad, slut dropping on a kitchen table because the boys thought it would be fun to get the quiet girl drunk. you’d never had a sip before that night. band t-shirts, denim shorts and the split soles of rotten converse that you refuse to let go of, you still clutched with both hands to your youth, but in a tube top now (borrowed from alice carmichael who had a sister in college) and a short tennis skirt, your feet not in trainers but in thigh-high boots. uncomfy as hell but lily said you needed to look sexy. you didn’t know if you wanted to be sexy. you didn’t know what kind of girl you were, if you were even a girl at all. but robbie looked at you like he knew exactly who you were, like he knew you better than you knew yourself, and his lips had the pink cupid’s bow of a movie star, and his hair was dark locks, curling like a mane. his hands were soft, and suddenly on your waist, and after three more shots his lips were on yours and his name was the only sound in your head and on your lips as you lost it in lily’s college sister’s bedroom beneath the glare of a T-Pain poster. you bled for what seemed like hours, his hand still in yours, kissing on the sofa as truth tellers and dare devils continued to spin a bottle of unprecedented youth. you thought it was love. robbie was the one. he loved you, you knew it, how else could someone be so soft? but soon he grew bored, scrunched up your paper heart and set it alight. then came the tears, the hatred, the ‘fuck robbie, in fact, fuck all boys.’ and that you did.

you were known for being easy. any boy could be yours for a night, as long as he promised to love you for those few short breaths and pants before you cried yourself to sleep. you felt poisoned, but poisonous as well, as if by ensnaring these young boys you were gaining power over them, and not the other way around. soon it started to work. they’d want more, but you’d deny them it, sick of sucking off silly schoolboys, they’d call you a tease, a vixen. maybe you were, but you couldn’t help but want older men. you got the history teacher first time, him bending you over his desk to sneak a hand up your tennis skirt as the after-school clubs carried on next door, unawares. love didn’t exist, not for you. it was nothing but a game for pretty young girls to play, bubble gum in their canines and a hand tugging at the hem of their cheer skirt.

there was so much anger inside of your small body, ‘beware of boys and their hook-like words’. hockey helped. there was something formidable about the feeling of a stick like a weapon in your hands and the thwack it made against thighs in the heat of a scrum - “slipped, sorry!” - you’d utter with a snakeskin smile, millicent quinn knowing that you’d hit her on purpose because she shagged robbie at that party last week. she couldn’t prove it, cobbled acne on her forehead turning green with disgust. ben came into your life like a car crash. two years your senior, with a baseball jacket and shoulders like a god. he became your personal hero. on the pitch, he was lethal. together, you could bring anyone to their ruin. each day after last period he’d be waiting in his car. you’d leap into his arms like a girl-half starved, love me, love me, love me, your heated kisses the envy of every junior girl. he was yours for three blissful years, utterly yours, and you were his, his star-spangled girl, and he was your knight - you were both the same, playing games, always difficult to predict. it was a shock to all when he proposed, high-school sweethearts find love in south dakota.

the engagement was a bittersweet affair; three months – you barely out of your gingham print skirts and into a graduation gown, him, a surly quarterback towering above your sisters, cigarette at his lips and a scowl like a fart in a lift. they hated him. so did you. but you were eighteen and in love, and he fitted the cookie cutter mould. everyone wanted him, and you had him. you had him and you were happy, happy, happy, and he loved you. he said he’d give you the world, anything you wanted hand-picked and given to you. instead, he gave you a jack russell terrier and a flat you couldn’t swing a cat in, wallpaper peeling like the rotten bits inside of you, the bits that only he knew. and you got tireder and tireder of the sad excuse of a life he’d picked out for you, him out doing god knows what to pay the bills, and you dancing on tables to pave your way to stardom, and this was love, this was real, until the shine wore off and your fresh-faced, dimple-cheeked cheerleader facade faded and the ugliness started to reveal itself, the whining, the petulance, the sharp-tempered cruelty, the mind games, the need to always win, win, win. he was dull, he was boring, he was nothing like the boy the girls had said he was and no chiselled six pack could hide his lack of anything remotely interesting, your patience wearing thin until it snapped like rubber, a rucksack on your back, running shoes on your feet and the joint bank account emptied into your eighth grade birthday wallet.

you built your small fortunes working the casinos of sioux falls, a crimson dress and an attitude to match. bookish archie with his little dipper freckles was fun for a month, before he became just as dull and dreary as the rest. a three hour bus and you were in minneapolis, bright eyed and bushy tailed, fresh meat ready for the pickings. a hostel here, a friendly co-worker’s sofa there as you made what you could by taking off your clothes and shaking your ass like you were back in pep squad, doing what you did best. you met your fair share of creeps, and soon it was back on the road to escape a wide-eyed stalker and a restless itch for more. milwaukee, chicago, you made the roads your own. log cabins and lodgings, and the occasional motel, a beaten up pick up truck purchased at a scrap merchants – you got a few miles out of it before it bit the dust, and when you finally set it alight after nights spent lounging across the driver’s seat, a parka tucked over you as a duvet, you were sad to see it go. you’re nomadic by fault, never attaching to place, people or things, creating a new personality in every place you go like a character actress; each town is a different repertory theatre, and you’re the star. a compulsive liar, you even fib about your own name, to some you’re ellen, nineteen, bookish, a law student who likes smoking and cosmos. to someone else you’re rita, you’re twenty five and look young for your age, like smoking, comics and fucking in public places.

in the bright lights of michigan, you found charlie, sweet charlie, too good for you, though you let him spoil you while he thought you were the small town girl of his dreams. next came abigail, who was fun until the jealously kicked in, and then luke, gorgeous luke, dangerous, exciting, who despite his temper, despite the fights, despite bruises down your spine and your teeth marks on his arms, loved you with the strength of a wild fire. there was destruction in your wishbones, a savageness from the field, from the pitch and now somehow in his arms, you were godly. he was cruel, he was careless, and he refused to fall at your feet like so many other boys had, which only you made you want him all the more. you were rage incarnate. you hated him so fiercely you thought you might kill him, so he played the only card you wouldn’t predict; proposed.

the house you shared was a backstreet flat in detroit, you making your name as a downtown singer while he footed the bill with pills. they had a drug for anything these days, to dull the senses, to pick them up, to drive you to insanity or pull you out of the madness hole. the two of you lived like criminals on the run (you never told him that you were, living out your days as the enigma he wanted you to be), you with your voice like caramel and fishnet legs. you were his and his alone until his hand was at your throat and the gun was in your hands screaming at him to stop, stop, stop, until a bullet stoppered his brain, crimson staining linoleum as you cast yourself out like lucifer. self defence was decreed the moment they saw your violet neck, black tears and headlight eyes and mind screaming red, red, red like the pom-poms you shook so willingly in school and the insides of his skull. you were gone, and “you” was born, renamed “greta”, boxed, shipped-out, and next-day delivered to livingstone where under witness protection you were a student, blank slate, fresh-faced in a place where no one knew your name, doing what you always did and starting again.

[debraofamerica]

Community Spotlight: Lucy’s College Experience

Over the course of the past few weeks, debra of America asked five young adults with Epidermolysis Bullosa about their experiences attending college. Today’s Community Spotlight shines on Lucy, a 19-year-old student at the University of St. Andrews in Scotland. Read on for Lucy’s honest and inspiring responses to balancing care, a social life, and higher education.   

(pictured 3rd from right)

1. What made you decide to further your education and apply to colleges?  

I had always known it was something I wanted to do even as a child. I knew that my intellect and ability to learn were some of the only things EB couldn’t touch, and I decided to see how far that could take me.  

2. How did you choose a college? What were some factors involved your decision making?

I chose my college based on the ranking for my chosen subject and proximity to EB doctors. I was very lucky in that I got into my first-choice university. I loved the location and the overall atmosphere and that was important to my decision.

3. What are some things that you worried about when choosing a college? How did those things turn out?

I was terrified about making friends, going out, and dating! I was also scared of not being able to keep up with the workload; maybe everyone who had doubted me was correct and I was not cut out for higher education. Another thing that scared me was hall and roommate situations. While there were struggles, each and every one of my fears eventually became memories. I threw myself into my work and social life and took the opportunity to create a new identity for myself. 

4. What are some things your parents worried about in regards to you attending college? What was their reaction when you told them you wanted to attend?  

My mother was worried about me having a roommate and being in a different country and what that would mean for things such as health care and medication. She was also worried about how the intense schedule and workload may affect my health. These are still things we are still concerned about at times but have always handled it when they occurred. Sometimes it is difficult to get my medications, etc. but I am able to sort it out. She was very happy and supported my decision, she always knew that it was a goal of mine and constantly reminded me that my EB would not hold back my ability to learn.

5. How have you been able to balance college life and EB? What are some struggles you’ve encountered? Has your EB gotten worse or better?  

My EB is about the same, although with more issues with my eyes than usual. I am always tired though, which does not help how I feel. I am also still struggling with anemia, but my weight has improved! I have had to be smart about balancing college life and EB, and that has meant missing out on events that I wanted to attend, or swallowing my pride and requesting extensions on essays. I have encountered struggles with balancing selfcare, social life and work- I do have to remind myself I am here to learn and not to go to parties.  

6. Has college been harder or easier than you had expected?

Both- the work can be extremely challenging at times, but the social aspects are much better.  

(pictured 2nd from right)

7. What assistance/resources do you receive (if any)? And what steps did you take to ensure your needs were met?  

I need medication and dietary supplements as well as a handicap accessible bathroom (when in halls). I met with my doctors in London and the wonderful disabilities support team at my school to arrange these requirements and for the most part, everything has run smoothly with a few minor hiccups.

8. How was your freshman year like?  

It was amazing, fun, terrifying, sad, and rewarding. I was so scared and stressed, worried I was not cut out for college, worried I was not smart enough and that it was a mistake, but as I continued to push myself and saw what I could achieve, I began to develop self-confidence that now cannot be shaken. For that, I am so thankful.

9. Are your part of any campus clubs/sororities/frats/organizations? If so, what have your experiences been like? Have you been able to meet new people?

Yes, I am. I am a part of three societies/shows. I loved it all, my experiences were extremely positive and through those things, I have met many new friends. 

10. How have people at your college campus reacted to your EB?  Are they more accepting or do they ask more questions?

It is more of the same. Some people are quite accepting and do not notice my condition past the first ten minutes. Some others I meet or who see me say things that are hurtful and ignorant- I have learned this is the same almost everywhere. I am taking steps to further educate my school about disabilities in hopes this may begin to change for my campus.

11. What is your major and what do you plan to do with it?

I am majoring in History of Art and Anglo-Saxon. I plan to either work in an auction house selling art or in a museum. I would also love to maybe become a professor one day.

12. Do you have a fear of not obtaining a job after college due to your EB?

Yes and no. I am confident in my abilities, but I am apprehensive about working full-time due to my fatigue.

13. If you could give one piece of advice to others with EB who are either about to apply or are already in college, what would it be?  

No one and nothing, not even EB, can stop you from learning and growing as a person. Your ability to learn is an amazing thing that you can cultivate. Your insight is important and will benefit others. Throw yourself into everything: social activities and your studies. You can do it!

Thank you, Lucy, for sharing your story! Stay tuned for our final Community Spotlight: College Experience post next week. 

[mallenmtsacphilosophy-blog]

Philosophy Midterm

1. Your name: Myles Allen

2. How much of the required reading have you done?

I have only read one book.

3. How many of the required films did you watch?

All of them.

4. Please copy and paste the essays you were required to write for the first 8 weeks of this course.

WEEK 1

1. How would you feel if you realized that you were just “stuff”, just this body, and that there was nothing “meta” physical about you? Be sure to use your “I” voice and present your reaction in an autobiographical framework. Also make pertinent references (when possible) to the film on mysterium tremendum.

If I were to find out that I’m nothing more than a physical body, I feel like it would limit my perspective and stunt my evolution. Since I’ve been able to spend time studying Eastern philosophy and the science of meditation, I do not believe that I am just a cluster of cells with a mechanical thought process. I believe in the multidimensional theory mentioned in the film, the fact that beyond the atomic reality of human existence, there is a realm of spirit and energy that has direct influence over our “physical” reality.

2. Using your own life as a template, provide two or more examples of Plato’s Allegory of the cave. Hint: think of those times in your life when you mistakenly believed something to be true or real but you later realized wasn’t. Be sure to think within the context of the movie.

Plato’s allegory of the cave can be applied to many aspects of Western civilization. One good example is how I was educated as a child in the American school system. I spent years learning a European perspective on civilization and its origins only to find out that  the large part of global history was sacrificed for the advancement of Western civilization. Finding out as an African male in America that the stories of my ancestors existing as nothing more than savages and slaves were false was not only infuriating, but also educational. It helped me to understand the need for a deeper understanding of myself, not just for my own personal development but also for the development of my current family and future generations to come. Another example of Plato’s allegory of the cave could be represented through the silent battle that many people fight with mental illness. Through my own personal journey of facing my fears and other mental blockages that were preventing me from advancing in consciousness, I was able to learn that thoughts and emotions can become entities that dictate your physical reality and it is important to be the master of your own mind.

WEEK 2

1. If you had to live your life over and over again (as given in Nietzsche's myth of eternal recurrence), describe precisely those things that you would change and why?

If I had to live my life the way Nietzsche described in his myth of eternal recurrence, the only thing I would change is the way I nurture and develop some of my personal relationships. Outside of that particular aspect of my life, I feel like I’ve developed a perspective that leaves me with endless tools and opportunities for self-transformation. Another thing I would change is the age I started to read and broaden the horizons of what I perceived to be possible, it is an activity that has definitely been a saving grace for me during these times we’re facing collectively.

2. Thinking about your own life (and connecting to the movie, the limits of science), what are the biggest obstacles that you confront in your educational career? More precisely, what limitations do you have that you feel limit your understanding of varying subjects and ideas?

The biggest obstacle I have been facing in my educational career is my own attitude. Of course, as a young child, play and exploration were always at the core of my identity. However, I never wanted to go to school just to sit down and have a full day of mandatory learning.  I was limited by my own perception of reality and the negative emotions that started to develop throughout the years. As I’ve been on a personal mission to reprogram my mind for some years now, I’ve been lucky enough to realize that all obstacles can be reexamined and overcome, even the more stern human concepts like death and disease.

3. Since the advent of hyper technology, what devices have you become most attached or addicted to? Why? Which ones are your friends most attached to? What are the pros and cons of such devices (connecting, of course, to the movie, "Surfing the User Interface".

The device I’ve become most attached to is definitely my phone because it is the most convenient and has the most accessories. I still use the television to enjoy movies and play video games, but when I’m on the go my phone can make me feel like Inspector Gadget. My friends are either all the same way or a combination of multiple gadgets they enjoy using. There are a lot of positive aspects to these gadgets, I’ve definitely experienced more pros than cons when it comes to technology. The fact that technology works so well on such a consistent basis is the only potential con it possesses. Since it works so well, it’s easy to use all day and can clearly become a huge distraction if you feel like you don’t have anything to do.

WEEK 3

1. How does the conception of a multiverse (where we find ourselves living in an almost infinite realm that cannot be defined) make you feel? Knowing that you are made up of atoms and material stuff, how does it change the conception you have of yourself?

The conception of living in a multiverse makes me feel infinite as a part of nature. If the understanding that the human body is a universe in itself is true, then the conception of a multiverse must infer that we are also multiple universes as well. This gives me the idea that we all have limitless potential and always have a positive future to look forward to. Knowing that I’m made up of different elements from the universe helps me to realize I can take a more scientific approach toward cultivating my mindset and what I am as a person. It gives me the opportunity to realizes that I am technically a giant ball of potentially destructive energy that can be used positively with the proper perspective.

2. Quantum Mechanics is based on probability. How does a deep understanding of chance alter your philosophy on life?

A deep understanding of chance puts you in a position to play the odds in your favor. If you were to know that you could have multiple constructive options to prepare for a potentially destructive force, it would be wise to work towards the best outcome possible. I’m sure there are people out in the world who feel like they have the worst luck anyone could have simply because they allowed the odds to be stacked against them. Knowing that there is always a chance that anything could happen serves as motivation to prepare for something to happen.

3. Relating to "Feynman's Flower" how does science broaden your appreciation of life and beauty? Give examples of your own life where you found something out from science that made you appreciate an ordinary thing or object much more?

Science helps life and beauty become more real. It brings more depth to life than is available if you decide to commit to a strictly three dimensional point of view. From my experience, what you see is not always what you get, but it is usually a byproduct of what is. Science is a window that lets us see beyond the mundane into what is truly infinite and all around us. I understand the nostalgia aspect of wanting to appreciate the essence of life and our surroundings, but if you’re truly given the opportunity to understand things at a deeper level, then it is a calling that should not be ignored.

WEEK 4

1. Why do you think a large number of people resist the theory of evolution by natural selection? What is it about Darwin's theory that makes you feel comfortable or uncomfortable? Be sure to elaborate on your reaction (pro or con).

I think people resist the theory of evolution by natural selection because it implies that some forms of life are more valuable than others based on their ability to adapt to certain conditions inside of the planet’s atmosphere. Certain schools of thought teach that each living thing has a soul and purpose for being in this life, despite the level of consciousness they may be presently operating at. To agree with natural selection implies that humans are at the top of the food chain until we face an adversary that exploits our current shortcomings. Many people would disagree with this perspective due to the fact that despite being the most organized and sophisticated, we are still part of the ecosystem, which is in a constant state of motion. The main problem I have with this theory is the mindset that we can potentially develop from absorbing this kind of ideology. Historically, humans are always the main ones engaging in organized genocide and massacring entire populations over belief systems that allow one group to gain leverage over others by charging up their people with doctrines of superiority.

2. What do you think cannot be explained by evolution?

I believe evolution explains everything through a developmental process and is a good model to use for describing the sequence of steps that were required for any aspect of life to reach its current state.

3. Provide three examples of eliminative materialism and how it works. You can draw from your own life.

A good example of eliminative materialism is the way the ancient inhabitants of this planet were able to utilize certain sciences to transform their way of living and create bountiful civilizations. Through further exploring themselves and the universe around them, they were able to visualize and create the reality that they wanted. Considering the fact that we are in an age of information,  the science that was used to transform ancient civilization is widely available to everyone through multiple mediums. I’ve been able to spend hours watching lectures and reading from a variety of books that have expanded my consciousness tremendously, and firmly believe that the right information could do more than enough for everyone if distributed correctly. Another good example of eliminative materialism is the way that philosophy provides a venue for people to build on their ideas and recreate their mindsets to better prepare for the future.

WEEK 5

1. Explain the "virtual simulator" hypothesis to consciousness. How does such a concept help explain why you behave the way you do? Be sure to draw from your day to day habits and how your mind projects into the future and reflects about the past.

The “virtual simulator” hypothesis implies that consciousness is a continuously expansive experience that cannot be quantified or explained. This explains why a lot of people have a hard time putting their reality into the proper context. Every day I wake up, I’m confronted with a world full of fears and potentially negative scenarios that I have to find a way to meet with the proper mindset before they arrive. Understanding that there is always the potential for infinite scenarios to unfold at any time is definitely an inspiration to stay in the moment and have patience.

2. How does M.E. theory apply to your own belief system?

I believe that it helps to believe in something. It’s hard to go through life in this world we live in without some sort of belief system that connects me with something higher than what is usually before my eyes. Thinking about string theory and the endless realms of vibration that could potentially be inhabited helps me think of how I could rise to higher levels of consciousness. I do believe in higher beings that can manipulate our physical reality and the influence of certain outcomes, this is also part of the reason I strive to evolve at every opportunity I can.

3. Where do you find purpose in your own life? How does it relate to the "evolutionary" imperative?

I find purpose in my life in the idea of love and what it means. It relates to the evolutionary imperative because in this world I’ve been confronted with plenty of scenarios that have left me wondering why things are the way they are and why they seem so unchangeable. The concept of love as a full device provides me with a ground floor to accept my surroundings for what they are and how to build accordingly. I also find purpose in my sense of community because without other people, I wouldn’t have any sense of the need to do anything.  I think the people I’m around are a constant reminder to stay motivated and help me to reevaluate my belief system.

WEEK 7

1. Are you more attracted to soul theory or neural theory?

I’m more attracted to soul theory than neural theory because I like the idea of having a soul more than I like having a brain. The neuroscience helps me to understand the mechanics of my brain and how it is wired, but I still see myself as the pilot of the ship. The idea of the soul seems infinitely more expansive compared to the brain, although, I do believe that they mirror each other.

2. Do you think artificial intelligence will transform how humans view themselves?

I do believe artificial intelligence will expand the way humans view their own minds. If the computer program is a simulated reflection of what our own minds are capable of without the biological bias that many humans carry around, then it could be a huge tool in the evolution of mankind. A highly developed AI program could gather the amount of information it would take thousands of people to do in a fraction of the time and upload it to a server that could be accessed anywhere within the reach of a wireless receiver. A lot of people in this age have developed a very personal relationship with technology and already use it to aid them in their daily lives.

3. What future technological device will change human behavior in the future?

The introduction of a true artificial intelligence program will change human behavior in the future. The idea of conscious mechanical devices walking around in the street or taking care of family members and advanced social programs will cause people to have to reevaluate the way that they have perceived their relationship with their communities. Seeing the way a conscious being could operate without the failures of the default human programming we’ve grown accustomed to should automatically open up a window to what is possible for humanity. Also, a computer that is linked to one conscious membrane that has the ability to design its own software would be able to give a wider range of information to an enormous range of people, and could even do more amazing things that we could only imagine.

WEEK 8

1. What the strongest arguments for vegetarianism?

The strongest arguments for vegetarianism are the health benefits and the idea of how civilization as we know it could be transformed through the cultivation of a more useful mindset. Through watching the type of foods we grow and the way we develop our society we could change the way future generations develop even further down the line. Creating healthier cycles of people could bring forth generations of youth that are capable of putting reality into a whole new perspective. Also, considering the fact that our bodies are a part of the universe, it is probably beneficial to choose from an assortment of different cellular structures that can communicate with the molecular structure of the human body.

2. What are the strongest arguments against vegetarianism?

Some arguments against vegetarianism could be that we are not capable of gathering enough resources to sustain ourselves, or that we can get the nutrients that we need from the meat of an animal, especially if the animal is healthy. People also have certain customs and traditions that promote the consumption of animals. I have also heard that people don’t feel healthy unless they eat animal products, even though I believe that this is mainly a matter of personal belief.

3. Which diet do you believe is the most ethical?

I believe the vegetarian diet to be the most ethical because it provides us with the widest variety of everything that we could possibly need to survive. It also could help give us more motivation as far as cultivating the earth is concerned. The idea of full factories built just to slaughter animals and large pastures designed to grow food to feed it to animals for slaughter is not only inhumane but unethical as well. I personally haven’t displayed the amount of discipline required to be a vegetarian as of yet, but I do believe it is something I’m growing into as I continue to evolve.

5. Describe Socrates’ method for understanding another person’s truth claims. Why was it so effective and why did it get him into so much trouble?

Socrates’ method for understanding another person’s truth claims is a process of stripping down someone’s belief system until they have to surrender to a more unanimous interpretation of themselves and reality. It was so effective because it is a process that brings an internal focus to the issues at hand, forcing the person or persons who is protecting their belief system to peel back the layers of their viewpoint until the naked truth has been exposed. It got him in trouble because through this process he was able to arm spectators with the ability to dissect their own situations in a similar manner, leading him to be persecuted by the state for his disruptive behavior. 

6. Why is the conflict between science and religion (according to the required reading) a linguistic conundrum? Be sure to back up your answer with pertinent details from the readings/films.

The conflict between science and religion is a linguistic conundrum because science reaches to explain what religion doesn’t have the mechanism teach. Historically, science has been persecuted by the church because it has the ability to transcend the organization. Religions are designed to create order and the idea of science could be a chaotic factor. In the video “the limits of science” many examples are provided that describe scenarios where science could only go so far. Considering the fact that science is constantly evolving explains why religion may have a hard time adapting at the same capacity that science does.

7. Who do you think won the Einstein-Bohr debate? Back up your answer. You are free to do further research on this topic as well.

I believe Einstein won the debate because the lack of ability to determine the position of an object doesn’t rule out it’s existence. Bohr’s theory claims that wavelengths need to be observed in order to become objects. Einstein states that the quantum mechanical description of physical reality is not complete because there are more variables that will cause the theory to be rearranged as science continues to evolve. He also believes that a complete theory for physical reality is attainable and that one of the primary purposes of science is to determine specific attributes of nature. 

8. Why is understanding physics elemental in doing philosophy well?

Physics explain the mechanics of the playing field, which are the grounds for philosophy to begin.

9. What is string theory? How can such radical ideas potentially alter our own philosophical outlooks on life in general?

String theory is the idea that objects exist beyond the second and third dimensional scale of the universe. This theory can alter our perception by giving us the knowledge that our potential is limitless if we can see beyond the confines of matter.

10. Why is the theory of evolution considered to be the cornerstone of modern biology? How does a deep understanding of natural selection help in understanding human behavior?

The theory of evolution is considered a cornerstone in modern biology because it describes the building blocks of life and the variations that arise in different scenarios. Understanding natural selection helps us understand the mindset and tendencies people and their communities develop when faced with certain situations.

11. What is the evolutionary reason behind why we ask why?

Asking  “why” is a tool that is useful in the development of the mind. It gives people an opportunity to observe certain mysteries from multiple dimension and gather knowledge accordingly. When we ask “why”, the observer has to open their mind to potentially unknown possibilities in order to further cultivate their understanding of reality. It is a necessary tool that gives us a safe way to analyze our internal and external conditions.

12. How does Plato’s allegory of the cave relate to our current understanding of science?

Science has  broken down so many barriers that were not common knowledge at this point, and it continues to reveal that there are more layers of information that will be deciphered as time goes on.

13. What is Nietzsche’s myth of eternal recurrence? How could such a concept alter one’s life here and now?

Nietzsche's myth of eternal recurrence describes the idea of having to live the exact same lifetime eternally. This concept could give people the opportunity to evaluate how they interpret free will. If I knew I had to live the same lifetime eternally, the level of strategy I engage in would increase exponentially.

14. How does the virtual simulation theory of consciousness help explain why humans have such a capacity?

It helps us understand why we have linguistic boundaries based on our own perception of reality and how it affects us collectively.

15. What did Darwin and Wallace agree and disagree on when it came to evolution by natural selection? Be sure to elaborate.

Darwin and Wallace both agreed that man evolved from a lower life form. However, Wallace believed that our consciousness was too advanced to leave the description of our evolutionary process up to natural selection. Even though certain aspects of our development can be attributed to the evolution of simpler life forms, there is still the question of how we became capable of contemplative awareness. Darwin believed that the evolution of matter was a sufficient template to measure how we arrived at where we are today, while Wallace sought out an alternative theory which could explain how humans are capable of achieving such a heightened sense of a self perceived reality. 

16. What is the “evolutionary” imperative? How does it work?

The evolutionary imperative is the idea that life as we know it is not how it is supposed to be, and the reality that it is up to each individual to decide whether or not to do anything about it. It states that we can give up on life due to the abnormality of our situation or find some way prepare for the future.

17. Explain the quantum mechanical basis behind photosynthesis.

The leaf captures photons, when they hit the chlorophyll they bounce into another area where they are transferred through a cluster of pathways, and into a reaction center. The electron then creates energy that can be stored to use by the plant.

18. How can probability help explain “why bad things happen to good people?”

It can help explain by pointing out the fact that one good person may not be able to overcome the odds of all the potential negative scenarios they face. Statistics would probably state that a strong sense of morality may not always equate to a more favorable future.

19. Of the films you have watched so far, which one is your favorite? Why?

My favorite film so far is “Consciousness As A Mobius Strip” because I have struggled with this concept for a while now. I believe there are many aspects of life that cannot be relayed to others in a strictly linguistic form.

20. Of the required readings so far, which one is your favorite? Why?

So far the only book I’ve completed out of the required reading is “Just Odds”. I do find the concept interesting because I believe and have experienced the way certain things can play out based on belief.

[kaptainkulak-blog]

Learn how to pass exams - Points for passing an examination effectively

Don't leave it till the last minute. While some students do seem to thrive on last-minute cramming, it's extensively accepted that (for most of us) this is certainly not the best way to method an examination. To aid type out your time management, setup a timetable to your study. Compose down the number of exams you have got and the days on which you must sit them. Then organize your study accordingly. 

You might choose to give some exams far more research time than some others, so get a stability that you simply truly feel cozy with. 

Make sure that you have got ample area to spread your textbooks and notes out. Have you got adequate light? Is your chair comfy? Are your laptop or computer video games from sight?

Attempt to do away with all distractions, and make sure you're feeling as cozy and capable of emphasis as is possible. For some individuals, this can mean essentially total silence, for some others, background music assists. Several of us demand anything thoroughly tidy and organized to be able to focus, even though other folks thrive within a far more cluttered environment. Believe about what operates for you, and take the time for you to get it suitable.

Visual aids may very well be truly helpful when revising. On the begin of a subject, challenge your self to compose down all the things you already learn about a topic - then highlight wherever the gaps lie. Closer to your examination, condense your revision notes into one-page diagrams. Acquiring your suggestions down on this brief format can then enable you to to swiftly recall anything you need to understand for the duration of the exam.

one. Inquire the instructor So far as you happen to be concerned, teachers likely possess a single perform: to assist you pass your exams and both obtain a work or move on on the up coming stage of the schooling. Teachers themselves see stuff just a little differently-don't fail to remember they really have to get countless college students as a result of exams just about every year-but often their aims are in tune with yours. Bear in mind your instructor will not be your opponent or your nemesis: she or he is just not out to frustrate you or irritate you. On the other hand it could possibly seem to be with the time, teachers are frequently attempting to aid you. Reap the benefits of that enable and you are going to never ever regret it. Request for guide each time you would like it: that is what teachers are there for.

two. Beat the instructor Acquiring stated that, as you will have identified for oneself, one can find plenty of great teachers and pretty a couple of awful ones. Almost all of your teachers care passionately about how properly you do (whether or not they do not allow on) and one particular or two absolutely could not care significantly less what transpires for you (specifically when you will not care greatly oneself). The primary prime tip I've will not be to depend on teachers to acquire you by your exams. Teachers can help you enormously, but in the end it truly is your work and yours alone. The older and even more senior you will get, the alot more you may discover that teachers and lecturers place the obligation of passing exams onto their college students. What does that involve in practice? The very first factor would be to have an understanding of the curriculum or syllabus you happen to be learning and precisely what you are anticipated to learn about each and every topic. Inquire your instructor to provide you by using a copy within the curriculum you are doing work to or seem it up for your self to the Net. (Note that unique examining bodies might possibly use somewhat distinct curricula, so make certain to locate the proper one particular.) Armed with this particular facts, you certainly will no less than understand what you'll want to know, even when you do not know it. Acquired me?

Cellphones abandoned by college students ahead of an examination

Photograph: When you happen to be inside the examination, you happen to be in your own-without even your telephone to aid you. Ensure you happen to be ready. Photograph by Brien Aho courtesy of US Navy.

three. Know the marking scheme Prior to deciding to go anyplace close to an examination, it can be vitally imperative to know how the marks are allotted. You could discover that 75 % within the mark originates from the examination you sit with the finish in the academic 12 months, though the remainder is allotted by your instructor based upon coursework or tasks you do through the 12 months itself. It really is extremely important you recognize the marking scheme, what ever it truly is, ideal on the get started. If 90 % of one's mark originates from coursework and you also do that poorly all 12 months, you cannot assume to conserve by yourself on the final minute that has a sudden superior examination overall performance. Similarly, whether or not you have completed brilliant coursework, if it counts for only ten % of the complete mark, you nonetheless desire a great efficiency from the examination. If you ever appreciate the place your marks will come from, you possibly can allocate your efforts accordingly.

four. Program your revision A lot more than twenty many years just after I final sat an examination of any sort, I even now obtain a recurring nightmare about not obtaining begun my revision in time! Chore even though it can be, you'll be able to by no means definitely commit also lengthy revising. Teachers will inform you that it can be ordinarily a lot easier to shell out a tiny sum of time on a daily basis revising above an extended time period than to make an effort to cram in all of your revision the evening ahead of your examination. But distinctive approaches do the job for numerous men and women. Many people identify concentrated revision fits them most effective. Some choose to revise 1 topic fully ahead of proceeding with a second subject; other people desire to alternate revision involving several topics. When you end up being proficient at exams, you need to locate a pattern that performs for you personally. 1 fantastic tip would be to make revision a habit: deal with it like a work and make on your own revise in between sure set instances in the day no matter if you are feeling like it or not. No-one ever feels like revising, but when you will get right into a program the place you frequently commence and finish in the very same time, you are going to acquire it an entire good deal simpler. A second great tip could be to intersperse your revision with soothing pursuits to halt your brain overloading. Go for walks, pay attention to music, hang out with associates, perform sports-whatever you like- provided that you appreciate the distinction in between break and distractions. Very likely give studying books a miss until finally your revision is executed, then again.

five. Prioritize weak topics Aim to revise all the things but dedicate a great deal more time for you to items you do not comprehend or know significantly less properly. It sounds evident, but it truly is remarkably tough to carry out. Why? Due to the fact we like accomplishing quick things-so our tendency, whenever we revise, is always to focus for the details we by now know. In case you are not positive what your weaker topics are, request your instructor or check out the marks you have obtained on coursework by means of the 12 months. Prioritizing weak topics also goes back to comprehending the marking scheme. Let us suppose your examination entails you creating 3 essays. Probably they're going to carry equal marks. Even when you recognize two topics off by heart and get most suitable marks, when you can not compose a third essay you threat shedding as much as a third with the marks. So weak topics could have a disproportionate impact in your complete mark, dragging your all round grade down considerably additional. Which is why make sure you give weak topics most concentrate.

six. Be trustworthy with by yourself What exactly are you beneficial at and what exactly are you undesirable at? Possibly you consider you are excellent at every little thing, but you may nonetheless have weak factors you ought to target on. And any time you consider you happen to be poor at anything, which is more than likely not real both. Inquire your teachers to commit slightly time with you assisting you to comprehend exactly where you have to emphasis your efforts. Most generally they will be joyful to oblige.

seven. Practice can make best Closeup of quartz alarm clockface by Acctim

Photograph: Set on your own "mock" inquiries beneath serious time constraints.

Now, as teachers quite often inform you, exams are theoretically a means of testing your understanding as well as your knowing as well as the object of learning is always to obtain a fine training, to not pass exams. But exams count to get a great deal as well as a excellent deal of our training is geared especially to assisting us to pass them. Like it or not, you will be sitting an terrible good deal of exams as part of your existence. It can make sense to practice exams like you'd practice a sport or maybe a musical instrument. Probably your teachers will get you to check out out actual examination issues or previous examination papers. If not, get hold of individuals queries and papers by yourself and check on your own beneath serious examination situations. Could you honestly create an outstanding essay within the brings about of your to start with globe war in 3 quarters of an hour? Look at it and see. Training examination inquiries and papers beneath time strain is among the ideal tips on how to develop your examination efficiency. Do not fail to remember that teachers are creatures of habit around any person else; examination papers tend to be set through the identical many people from a single 12 months towards the subsequent so specific subjects will crop up again and again yet again.

eight. Use memory aids It could be rather tricky to recollect the many points you'll want to know in an examination, so use memory aids if you happen to ought to. No, I will not suggest create the solutions in your arm! After you needed to consider the colours with the spectrum, you had been likely taught to implement a memory support this kind of as "richard of york gave battle in vain" [red orange yellow green blue indigo violet]. You possibly can consider this plan a stage additional and memorize lists of important things you ought to keep in mind or perhaps complete programs for essays you could possibly must compose. All you will need to do is consider the preliminary letter of every point you must try to remember and make up a sentence that aids you keep in mind the letters. You could then consider so as half a dozen essays just by memorizing 6 straightforward sentences! I memorized dozens of essay strategies by doing this when I was a pupil. The sole matter you'll have to be cautious about is the fact that you do in fact...

9. Reply the query It truly is doable to accomplish your revision so nicely that you simply feel you recognize your topic within out, back to front, and every single which way. That is brilliant! But just don't forget, while in the heat within the examination, you even now should be specified you solution each and every query adequately. If you ever memorize essays prepared to compose them back in an examination, be certain the essay you compose stands out as the a single the examiner desires to read-not the essay you simply take place to get revised. So get time for you to read through and know the concerns about the examination paper. The even more senior you happen to be, the additional very likely you may be to discover that essay concerns on examination papers are not entirely easy. You might really need to go through concerning the lines prior to deciding to recognize "Oh yes, that is in reality a query about x/y/z. They've pointed out such-and-such, but what they are truly asking me about is so-and-so". Yet again, training previous examination papers can help you to understand what you happen to be staying asked and show your know-how inside the way the examiner is expecting.

ten. Don't forget why you are learning Yes, you wish to pass your exams. But will not fail to remember that you happen to be also striving to discover and fully grasp points and obtain a superior schooling. Check out to not allow your self come to be an exam-passing locomotive. In the end, even though you like pieces of paper with "A" printed on them, that is not the object with the training. If you should really like a topic and you also actually like mastering about this, that could be considerably a lot more rewarding within the finish. https://maldita-ka.tumblr.com/post/176838194335/the-way-to-pass-exams-hints-for-passing-an-exam

[tjilderda]

*Pushing Against Gender Norms*

In this essay, I will be answering the following questions: What gender/sexuality norm is constructed or undone in this artifact, how is it rhetorically done, and how does it promote a dominate ideology over a marginalized group or push back against the ideology or gender norms? Is it productive or unproductive?

To examine these questions, the photos released by Vogue Magazine’s Twitter in November of 2020, and the surrounding controversy, will be examined. These photos starred the popular artist Harry Styles wearing what is considered in our day very “feminine” clothing, which creates a narrative of pushing back against the normalized gender roles of what a man should be wearing. Through the simple action of wearing a dress for a popular magazine, Harry Styles and Vogue managed to defy gender norms in these pictures to try and create as much notoriety by defying the normality that many are used to in their gender stereotypes. 

As mentioned above, this artifact surrounds the photos released by Vogue Magazine starring Harry Styles wearing a dress. These photos were subsequently either supported or hated, depending on how one may view the gender norms and stereotypes that surround a male identifying individual wearing clothes that are considered “feminine.” If one were to examine the subsequent comments on the original twitter post, there is a haphazard landslide of those bashing Styles for stepping outside the regular gender norms that are seen in the rest of the United States. The pictures were released at the same time of the cover story that Vogue released, and yet while no one seems to comment about the story itself, there were many opinions created surrounding the idea of Styles wearing such clothing. In such a simple act as wearing a piece of clothing, Styles managed to take a step in undoing a gender norm surrounding the male identity and clothing like a dress.

To get an understanding of gender norms and the subsequent idea of trying to undo it, one must turn to the work of Judith Butler. Here, Butler described gender as, “.... the apparatus by which the production and normalization of masculine and feminine take place along with the interstitial forms of hormonal, chromosomal, psychic, and performative that gender assumes” (42). Butler uses this definition to broaden the idea of gender to cover nearly everything both relating and unrelated to the idea of it. In this, he recognizes the fact that there are many terms and ideas that already show that gender can exist outside of this naturalized binary of what one considers male or female, masculine or feminine. As seen with Harry Styles, his actions certainly exist outside of the binary that many are used to.

Through the release of a few pictures and the words that were tweeted, Harry Styles became a hot debate for many about what it meant to be a man. In doing so, Vogue and Styles’ actions helped try to directly battle the idea of what gender norms exist in America: men don’t wear dresses. Even more-so, Styles makes it very clear that he doesn’t care about the gender expectations that come along with what he’s doing when he says in the linked article of the tweet, “I’ve never thought too much about what it means- it just becomes this extended part of creating something.” In doing so, Styles goes to undo the gender stereotypes he’s directly combatting by almost shrugging them off as something not worth his time. He’s blatantly aware they exist, but simply chooses not to think about how clothes are often considered “masculine” or “feminine” in their nature because he sees them just as pieces of fabric and clothe. If one were to look at the comments underneath the tweet, there are many various degrees of push back again this act of defiance. It’s quite intriguing to examine how a man simply wearing a differently shaped piece of clothing can spark so much outcry from those that understand gender as a simple binary of man and women traits. His actions directly bring light to this fact by not hiding or dancing around the subject, but working with Vogue to tackle it head on and be the face of the magazine issue. In doing so, Vogue and Styles help bring back the level of where gender stereotypes exist in hopes to try and make people understand that clothing like a dress can indeed still be worn by a man on the simple basis of wanting to.

Overall, I believe this narrative is one that could be taken in two drastically different ways due to the set in stone nature of many people’s beliefs surrounding gender. Those that have a less rigid approach to gender stereotypes and norms may find this as a win, saying that Styles’ actions help bring in line the ideas that gender is simply a construct that people can do with as they please. On the other side, those with strictly a binary approach to gender normality can be seen considering this a loss, a step in the wrong direction for humans simply because it goes against what they hold as a norm. Yet at the end of the day, it’s important to note that Styles and Vogue still took the chance to try and push back against the gender norms. While the effectiveness of their actions surely could be examined and critiqued, their actions overall were productive in trying to move against the gender norms we find in our society. Not only, but they did it in a way that doesn’t harm a single person and will remain as a simple reminder to the future that steps were taken to try and break down what many consider to be a rigid binary of gender.

In an outside study done by Mulvey and Killen, they make many comments about gender stereotypes and how challenging it can be. Very early in their article they say, “Acting in nonstereotypic ways is associated with peer victimization including physical, verbal, and relational aggression, and social exclusion” (Mulvey & Killen, 681). In this, it would suggest that that Vogue and Styles are actually in the perfect position to make a critique of gender norms. Both the company and person are popular and have much social credit in the world they live in, so they can take the heat that normally would come with such an action in stride. Even more-so, their research argues that males have a harder time trying to push into what may be considered female-steoreyptic activities showing that Styles took even more of a push back approach simply by the face he is male identifying (Mulvey & Killen, 681-682). As such, this study suggests that Vogue and Styles’ actions strongly helped push against gender norms by doing so from a place of privilege that doesn’t have to worry about the negative consequences that normally would come with such an action. 

In summary, Vogue and Harry Styles help create a narrative of defiance in the face of gender norms to try and undo it’s place in our current world. Styles’ words and clothing help create an understanding that people shouldn’t care about what they wear, but should wear what they simply see as fashionable and enjoyable. In doing so, they provide an example of how people can attempt to undo the gender norms from a position where you have more power than just a regular person may be able to do to get a message to a far larger audience. 

Works Cited

Butler, Judith. Undoing Gender. New York & London, Routledge, 2014.

Mulvey, Kelly Lynn, and Melanie Killen. “Challenging Gender Stereotypes: Resistance and Exclusion.” Child Development, Vol. 86, no. 3, May 2015, pp. 681-694. EBSCOhost, doi:10.111/cdev.12317. 

@voguemagazine. “’There’s so much joy to be had in playing with clothes. I’ve never thought too much about what it means—it just becomes this extended part of creating something.’: Read our full December cover story starring @Harry_Styles here: http://vogue.cm/Pdns6GQ.” Twitter, 13 Nov. 2020, 3:36 p.m., https://twitter.com/voguemagazine/status/1327359624803209228. 

[pekuliar]

The Enigma of the Vending Machine Murders

As promised, here is a little something I’ve been working on for a while. If you’re a true crime enthusiast or just a very curious person, do give this a read! I’ve gone through as many sources as possible to put together this very interesting case. It’s more of a practice to get back into writing essays before school starts, really, but I guarantee this will be fun! 

The case I’m about to share is a mystery that has confounded the Japanese police for almost 3 decades. They’re a string of killings tangled so expertly that investigators were left stumped, and so terrifyingly indiscriminate that it sent the public into a panic. So sit back, relax and pour yourself a nice, cold drink– trust me, you’ll need it.

Let’s take a trip to Japan– a beautiful nation bursting at the seams with life, history, culture…and vending machines.

According to the Japan National Tourism Organisation, Japan’s 127-million-strong population owns one vending machine per 23 people, bringing the total number of vending machines to a whopping 5.52 million in total. Better yet, these machines are seldom vandalised or stolen from, owing to Japan’s relatively low crime rate. (In 1985, however, the numbers differed slightly: 5.1 million vending machines for a population of 121 million people.)

It’s not hard to understand why the Japanese love their vending machines. Picture this, if you will: it’s a hot, sunny afternoon, and sweat runs down your back as you trudge home uphill. Along the way, you stop at a vending machine. Three coins and a push of a button later, you have in your hand a can of sweet respite. The crack of the tab is musical, and the first gulp makes your brain go blank with pleasure.

And then it stays blank.

Before the second gulp hits your stomach, fire spreads up your throat, a tidal wave of unending agony of the very worst kind.  

The can clatters to the floor as everything goes black.

That’s exactly what happened to a 45-year old truck driver in Fukuyama, Hiroshima.

On April 30th, 1985, a truck driver from Fukuyama purchased a drink from a vending machine. As his drink was being dispensed, he noticed a bottle of Oronamin C sitting atop the machine. Now, at the time, Oronamin C was being promoted to the public by the Otsuka Pharmaceutical Company. Vending machines were programmed to automatically dispense free bottles of Oronamin C, in addition to whatever drink the customer purchased. This, along with the Japanese practice of leaving unwanted drinks atop vending machines for the next cash-strapped soul, led the truck driver and many others to let their guard down— a mistake that would prove to be fatal.

The truck driver eventually died on May 30th, 1985. Analysis of his vomit showed traces of Paraquat— a deadly weed-killer banned in 32 countries around the world.

To give you a better understanding of the effects of Paraquat, even on the surface of the skin, exposure to Paraquat causes erythema, followed by blistering and hemorrhaging hemorrhagic diabrosis, which is a fancy way of saying “chemical burns affecting the blood vessel walls”. When ingested, Paraquat is downright lethal. Death is swift, certain and agonising, as the poison causes rapid inflammation of tissue surrounding major blood vessels and airways, and LITERALLY burns holes through the victim’s throat.

Unfortunately, this truck driver would be the first of 12 confirmed poisonings in 8 different prefectures, between April 30th and November 17th, 1985. With that in mind, let’s go through the timeline of the spate of attacks that would come to be known as the Vending Machine Murders. (Be warned, this is as dry as a list of 11 nearly identical incidents can get.)

September 11th. Izumisano, Osaka: 52-year-old man purchased a bottle of Oronamin C and found another of the same inside the machine’s dispensing slot. He consumed both, passing away on September 14th. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

September 12th. Matsusaka, Mie: 22-year-old college student purchased a bottle of Real Gold (an energy drink) from a vending machine. A bottle of the same drink was found already sitting in the dispensing slot, and he consumed both at home, perishing on the 14th of September. (* The poison used in this one case was Diquat, not Paraquat. However, as all other aspects of this incident were similar to the other 11 deaths by Paraquat, this is still counted as a part of the same string of killings.)

September 19th. Echizen, Fukui: 30-year old man consumed a can of cola he found underneath the vending machine, eventually perishing in hospital on the 22nd of September. Analysis of his stomach contents and remnants of the cola show traces of Paraquat.

September 20th. Miyakonojo, Miyazaki: 45-year old man intends to purchase a drink but finds 2 bottles of Real Gold in the dispensing slot instead. He consumes both at home, and dies on September 22nd. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

September 23rd. Habikino, Osaka: 50-year old man finds 2 bottles of Oronamin C in a vending machine dispensing slot. He consumes both 2 days later, and dies on the 7th of October. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

October 5th. Konosu, Saitama: The death of this 44-year old is pretty much identical (using Oronamin C) to the previous. The victim dies on the 21st of October. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

October 15th. Kasihara, Nara: A 69-year old man finds 2 unnamed drinks in the dispensing slot, consuming both at home and passing away on 13th November. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

October 21st. Miyagi: A 55-year old man passes away in similar fashion after consuming an unnamed drink from a vending machine.

October 28th. Kawachinagano, Osaka: A 50-year old man dies after drinking an Oronamin C he found in the dispensing slot of a vending machine.

November 7th. Saitama, Saitama: 42-year old man purchases 1 Oronamin C, and takes 2 additional Oronamin C bottles he finds in the dispensing slot, consuming both at home and eventually dying on 16 November.

This brings us to our final victim:

November 17th. Kodama, Saitama: A 17-year old girl purchases an unnamed drink from a vending machine, but takes a Cola she finds in the dispensing slot. A week later, she passes away. Traces of Paraquat found in beverage remnants.

The passing of the unfortunate young girl marked the end of the spate of poisonings, but the effects of this string of deaths were far from over. In fact, a newspaper report from December 1985 states: “One by-product has been a spurt of copycat crimes. Twice in the last few weeks, for example, someone has left tainted containers of milk in schools in Mie Prefecture in central Japan.” Furthermore, another 2 copycat poisonings took place in Tokyo, where police were notified of drinks tainted with lime and sulfur, and in unfortunately similar fashion, the perpetrators were never caught.

Of course, necessity is the mother of invention, and for the people of Japan, it was absolutely necessary to see that such a spate of random attacks would never happen again. Therefore, extra precautions were taken by the Japan Soft Drink Bottlers’ Association, as 1.3 million warning labels were stuck on vending machines. Otsuka Pharmaceutical Co. (manufacturer of Oronamin C), even redesigned their bottle design from a screw-cap to a pull-tab, in an effort to prevent tampering. Interestingly enough, however, not many other drink manufacturers shared the same sentiment. Takeo Mizuuchi, a spokesman of the Japan Soft Drink Bottlers’ Association, said: “If only consumers were more cautious, they would have seen that some tampering had been done”, and reportedly, there was no mass campaigns to rethink soft drink bottle designs– very much unlike the aftermath of the Chicago Tylenol Murders in 1982.

Yet more baffling is how utterly stumped these killings left the National Police Agency. Reportedly, due to the completely indiscriminate nature of these killings, the Japanese police were unable to get very far at all. In fact, I haven’t found a single source that details or even briefly mentions the investigation process. Many factors could have contributed to this complete and utter standstill– the lack of security cameras at areas where these poisonings occured, scant evidence, a lack of anyone claiming the crimes as their own, and the fact that the first use of DNA profiling to solve a crime was only in 1986, by Sir Alec Jeffreys in the murder of 2 young girls, so we can assume there weren’t a lot of methods available to investigators at that time. Most significant, however, were a series of threats made to the public shortly before the Vending Machine Murders.

Prior to the Vending Machine Murders, in 1984, another mysterious criminal exerted a reign of terror over the food industry. Dubbing themselves the “Monster with 21 Faces” (a name borrowed from a villain in a series of Japanese detective novels), this band of extortionists sent their first letter on May 10th, 1984, to the Glico company (manufacturer of Pocky), and would continue to send threatening letters to various food companies and news agencies. These letters taunted the police, made grandiose claims, detailed alleged locations where candies poisoned with cyanide had been planted, and sent the public into a panic. These letters continued well into 1985. It is, of course, safe to say that the police were more than a little preoccupied by the time the Vending Machine Murders took place, and thus the case was given little attention and publicity.

With that established, you’d probably not be surprised if I told you that there are a distinct lack of major theories, or any theories at all, on the individual or group responsible for the Vending Machine Murders. However, for the sake of format, here are two:

The Monster with 21 Faces: Ironically, there is a possibility that the very incident that distracted the police from the Vending Machine Murders might have been linked to said murders. The period of activity of the Monster with 21 Faces group coincides with the beginning of the Vending Machine Murders, and both involve poisoned perishables. However, at most, the Vending Machine Murderer might have been inspired by the Monster with 21 Faces (I really wish they’d picked a name that’s easier to type when palpitating with caffeine). The Monster with 21 Faces (goddamnit) seemed primarily interested in publicity and securing the population of Japan as a terrified captive audience. However, there were no public threats nor demands made with respect to the Vending Machine Murders, and therefore, this is highly unlikely. Furthermore, the Monster with 21 Faces actually publicly announced that they had better things to do. In a dramatic conclusion befitting this theatrical extortion gang, Police Superintendent Yamamoto (unable to cope with the pressure of the case), committed suicide by setting himself on fire, and the group soon responded with their final letter, announcing: “We decided to forget about tormenting food companies…We are bad guys. That means we’ve got more to do than bullying companies. It’s fun to lead a bad guy’s life.”

Yukaihan: Another theory postulated by psychologists would be that these murders are the work of one or more yukaihan. According to Professor Susumu, a mental health specialist at Tsukuba University, Tokyo, yukaihan are thrill-seeking criminals that “cynically enjoy superiority by imagining the victims groaning, and do not feel any remorse”. The theory that these murders could have been carried out by one or more individuals that take sadistic delight in picturing the suffering of their victims certainly seems more than plausible, given that Paraquat poisoning is downright agonising and would most likely elicit a pretty strong reaction. 

Sadly, investigations into this string of random killings came to a grinding halt early on, owing to insubstantial evidence and the lack of a pattern or possible motive. Whichever theory (or theories) you might believe, it appears that we might never know the truth. And with the statute of limitation on poisoning in Japan set at only 15 years, it is apparent that the truth behind the baffling Japanese Vending Murders is destined to remain…

Unsolved.

Sources: 

http://www.nytimes.com/1985/12/10/world/japanese-puzzle-the-vending-machine-murders.html 

https://www.google.com.sg/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/UnresolvedMysteries/comments/3b7ks1/the_paraquat_murders/

“Crime Classification Manual: A Standard System for Investigating and Classifying Violent Crime”: By John Douglas, Ann W. Burgess, Allen G. Burgess, Robert K. Ressle

https://medlineplus.gov/ency/article/001085.htm

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3829725/

https://www.upi.com/Archives/1985/09/27/Japanese-warned-against-poisoned-soft-drinks/9882496641600/

http://www.forensicdna.com/timeline.html

http://www.jnto.go.jp/eng/indepth/cultural/hj/vendingmachines.html

http://www.pressreader.com/philippines/bandera-visayas/20160827/281625304726170 (tagalog!)

https://www.historicmysteries.com/monster-21-faces/

“The Encyclopedia of Unsolved Crimes”. By Michael Newton.

Tagging: 

@swearingcactus – thank you so much for your incredible support!

@en-sam-malas – I’ve got a feeling that you’d like this one, and the next. Also, there’s a Tagalog article I found on this case! 

Drop me an ask if you wanna talk more about this case, or want to be tagged when the next case comes up!

Next case: The Grisly Case of the Singapore Curry Murder

[godzillamendoza]

Leaving Behind 2017 - Relationships are haaaarrrrdddd

So much to some people’s surprise I’m sure, I’ve been with a couple girls this past year. Like real ones, not those ones that holographically project themselves over prostitutes that you can install in your ceiling. (does anyone get that joke? No one saw that movie but me, right?) Ah jeez.

Gotta learn to quit automatically deflecting with humor when something stressful comes up. Gahh! This is a healing/learning experience. 

Okay, so context is important. I know all of this is stuff from before 2017, but it leads into how this year went so its important to cover: in 2015 I had my first girlfriend, whom I shall not refer to by name. She and I dated on and off for about 5 months and it was the first real relationship I had been in. We started dating after I told her no 2 times. The third time she asked me to be her boyfriend, her friend was there and they sort of pressured me into it so I just went with it. Then I had my first kiss with a crowd of her friends standing around me, watching to make sure I followed through on the day after. The majority of our conversations were through text or skype, even though we went to the same school. She was just too busy to ever hang out with me outside of school. She was often jealous of me talking to other girls, she mocked me constantly and called all my hobbies “nerd shit” and rolled her eyes at me when I said I didn’t want to smoke weed with her. Then she told me she’d be hanging out with a guy named Patrick at her house after she met him over snapchat. I was obviously a little worried about it and she told me I was being controlling and needed to back off, so I did. Then a week later I tracked down Patrick and confronted him, asking why she was suddenly so cold and distant. He bragged to me about how good of a time they had together and how she complained about me constantly. He said the sentence “she’ll be mine by the end of the week.” Being cheated on by your first girlfriend in addition to some emotional abuse and being kept at a distance constantly... well all of it is like a perfect storm of PROBLEMS that you’ll have to deal with later. We broke up after I told her that I knew what they did, though it was like 2 weeks later because I was naive and forgiving at first. She’s dated around 5-7 people since that venture ended 2 years ago, so clearly she learned a lot from it. She also offered to go out with my again while she was dating another guy, which caused me to... well let’s just say I wrote a very long, very mean spirited message that I don’t regret.

Naturally, after all that, my self esteem was subterranean. I had a lot of image problems due to her comments on my appearance. I had severe trust issues with... well pretty much everyone. I had problems liking myself and I just needed outlets to focus on while I was lost. So I started making more videos on comic book stuff. While I was dating this girl I made a short video essay/editorial thing on my thoughts for casting Spider-Man in the Marvel cinematic universe. She was quick to dismiss it, but I felt like it was the first thing on YT that I was truly proud of and I wanted to make more. After we broke up I did that video about Spider-Man videogames you might have seen once or twice. It currently has over 400 THOUSAND views. I owe it to this girl I suppose, she made me so miserable that I accidentally became a z-list internet celebrity to take my mind off being miserable. It didn’t exactly fix my emotional issues, but it was a coping method that was better than becoming a meth addict or something.

--so on to 2017. This was the year where I started dating again. Obviously I would still have a lot of baggage after that first girl and everything that happened with her. I met a rather mousy girl in high school who I’ll refer to as... uh... how about Sandra? That’s extremely far off from her real name. Sandra. Well anyway, I met Sandra in high school and we kinda became friends. I wasn’t all that attracted to her physically. I’m still not. She’s not ugly, nor is it a shallowness thing, she’s just not really my type. I’m not the guy to just “take whatever I can get.” So it was a difficult decision when she told me how utterly heartbroken she was when she had no date to prom. I figured it would give me a good excuse to go to the prom and I would be making someone else happy, so I took her. And from that point forward she became rather infatuated with me and I made the hideous mistake of “just going with it” so I didn’t hurt her feelings. I tried my damnedest to find things to like about her as a girlfriend, but we were really a pretty bad fit. Plus, we had this sort of non-commital and strange relationship where we didn’t consider ourselves a couple, but still ended up holding hands or hanging out outside of school a lot. Sandra had never dated anyone before and I was a trainwreck because of the girl from 2015, so it was this stilted and halfhearted attempt at romance. 

She wrote me a letter once, confessing her feelings about me and the way she thought of me at night. She was too nervous to give it to me in person, and had a mutual friend deliver the note. It was full of grammatical and spelling errors, and her handwriting lacked something to be desired. I was both honored... and slightly put off by it. She was 18 years old, with her own car and a paying job, but her methods of going after this relationship reminded me of the silly things I did in 5th grade. I guess that’s when I realized that I couldn’t keep leading her on and that it wasn’t really meant to be. I was looking for something a little more serious and age appropriate, but she still couldn’t handle something like that and I didn’t really feel for her how she felt for me. So I... just couldn’t figure out what to tell her. I ended up using graduation as a means to distance myself. We were moving off to different colleges with different goals and ambitions. I felt guilt for a long time for just brushing her off without saying anything beyond “I’m not really at a good place for a relationship right now, mentally.” Which was the truth, but I felt like I could have said more. We’ll put a pin in the story of Sandra for the time being, because it has a more clear resolution later. 

Shortly before graduation, I received a piece of fan art on twitter that was truly special. It was probably one of the most accurate and detailed pictures of me anyone had ever drawn. Whoever did it clearly spent a lot of time staring at my old mug to make it happen and I was really impressed with it. I showed it to my classmates to not-so-humbly brag about my following online (come on, I had to be excited about something SOMETIMES, its not like I did it more than that one time). Then to my surprise I saw that there was a particularly pretty girl in the profile picture of the person that sent me this piece of fan art. I think my female audience is kind of small, so I was really happy to see one of them sending fan art and kind words. Plus I thought she was cute. 

I sent her a DM on twitter saying that I thought it was really cool and probably one of my favorite pieces of fan art ever, she responded and we just kind of started talking from there. The more I learned about her, the more I liked her. We had a SCARY amount of things in common. Like, favorite comics, movies, books. We shared a similar sense of humor, we had the same extremely jaded reaction to fictional violence and laughed while looking at covers of “Crossed” together. We even took the same type of antidepressant medication. I fell for her really quickly, probably in the first 15 minutes of what would be a 9 hour conversation. Of course our mutual insomnia kept us from caring about sleep and we just kept talking and sharing stories and pictures of cosplay. I felt like I had never felt before. For the sake of protecting her identity, let’s say her name is uh... Lila. Sure, some of you internet detectives might be able to find out her real name, but I ask you... please don’t harass her or ask her about any of this. Respect her privacy, respect her decisions, and respect her in general. 

So, Lila and I made an amazing match it seemed. She made me feel... like I had been found after being lost again. Part of me resigned to this notion that I’d never meet a girl who I had things in common with. Maybe I’d live my life with my interests and dreams being silly to the women I spent my time with, or worse, boring. Lila treated me like the things that I did and talked about were interesting. She thought I was cool. It helped undo a lot of self loathing just talking to her for that first 3 days. I was walking with a spring in my step at school for the final few days, I was singing in my choir class instead of just lip syncing, I was acting like I didn’t care what anyone thought of me, because at least she thought I was interesting, and that was all I needed. In a way, just meeting her was what I needed to get over a lot of pain, and I’ll always be thankful for her giving that to me. We didn’t have to be in a relationship, I just needed the validation of knowing girls like her existed. She stayed up until 4 Am with me on school nights, talking with me through text or skype helping me stay awake to finish studying for my geography test. We spent hours just talking about our lives and what we thought of the world. We shared our experiences battling depression. Eventually she told me that I made her happy when nothing else could and I said the same. In almost a week it felt like we knew each other for a life-time. So at 3 AM one night I asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes. The problem with that was... she lived in a different country.

 I never really considered that part until after it was too late. Long distance relationships have always seemed like a huge gamble to me, but I was willing to risk it for Lila. And for about a month, it was working REALLY well. We would watch movies together on skype, share ideas for cosplays, and just chat until the sun came up every night. She even helped me bake apology cupcakes for my mom at 5 AM after I carved a spider logo into the kitchen table on accident. I was feeling freaked out because I felt genuinely happy for the first time in two years and I was just waiting for some anvil to fall on me and everything to be ruined. But the distance and our age became a problem. We were both at the very end of high school, just about to go to college and unsure of where life would go. She mentioned that she was thinking about traveling abroad to go to college. I had a conversation about it with my mom and BOY did she take it far immediately. “Ask her to go to your college! She could move in with us! We have the room now! You could drive her to school every day and eventually get your own place and get married and have kids and blah blah blah blah...”

My mother was just excited. She’s also been going through relationship problems too in the last year, and was just living vicariously through me. My mom wanted something to be stable and long lasting and fun, but she didn’t realize that it was too early to ask Lila for these things... and I... like a complete idiot... asked Lila if she wanted to go to college with me and live in America with me. I pretty much asked her to move in with me after knowing her for 6 weeks. She still had a lot to learn about me, and vice versa. We were worlds apart and it would have been a huge step if she only lived down the street, let alone in a different country. I shouldn’t have asked, and I ESPECIALLY, shouldn’t have asked more than once. I still feel like an idiot for it to this day and it was nearly 6 months ago. Then things started getting worse, mostly due to my previous relationships bleeding into my actions. 

The girl I dated in 2015 cheated on me because I was so hesitant to be physically intimate with her. That creates a lot of doubt and shame, so I started asking Lila how she felt about that sort of thing if we were to meet in person one day. She became uncomfortable with the subject and I very awkwardly tried to steer the conversation away from it. Then a message meant for someone else accidentally got sent to her without context that SEVERELY damaged the situation. When being asked about the price of something by a friend, I sent back a number, which went to Lila and without context “... about 8.50″ looks VERY... weird? Maybe even kinda threatening if you misconstrue it the right way? I looked like the biggest creep/moron! So I tanked that 4 AM conversation pretty hard, and then listened to some very, very poor advice from a friend who said “just try to be casual with her about that stuff.” Because of my internal fears of her being bored with me if things didn’t get hot and heavy now and then, I started awkwardly making more casual references and jokes regarding sex over the following two days. It made her uncomfortable, and she kept quiet about it, so I kept doing it until I just couldn’t anymore. I had to tell her that I didn’t like it either and that I was doing it because I was worried she’d end up getting tired of a relationship where it wasn’t a factor. I held her to the same standards as the girl from 2015, and it was unfair. She wouldn’t cheat on me if I didn’t bring up intimacy constantly, and I was stupid for thinking she might. I won’t make excuses, but I will say why I did that. And I know I learned from it and won’t do that ever again. That made things a little more tense and over time, we started having other issues as well. 

Lila made an off handed reference to some passage of her diary she wrote about me in the last few days we talked. The thing she said concerned me, as it didn’t sound positive at all. I pressed her on it because I was worried it was just several pages of her listing off the things she hated about me. Eventually she broke and read it off, and it was just several pages of her listing off the things she hated about me. She disliked my dress sense and hated my clothes, she thought the way I ate food was stupid looking(???) she felt weird about dating me for my RACE, because apparently she didn’t talk to many white guys except me. She spent hours of her personal time writing about superficial things about me that she didn’t like, and thus my self image problem had returned and I didn’t wear button up shirts for 4 months. I asked her if there was anything she DID like about me, and after a long time of struggling to find something to say, she said she liked my sense of humor and that I was nice to her. Which are... kinda general reasons to like someone? Like, non-specific and sort of forced. Then over the next few weeks she started insulting me a lot more. She developed a habit of casually calling me a... derogatory term for homosexual... (not sure what twitter’s policy is on cussing and slurs, currently so I don’t want to say it) and saying hurtful things randomly. I figured it was time to accept that the honeymoon phase was over and that she didn’t like me nearly as much as she initially thought. She didn’t like me nearly as much as I liked her. Then the final straw happened. 

Being in a relationship with someone so far away can be stressful, because your ability to speak to them is entirely dependent on the use of the internet and all its various outlets. If she were to just decide one day she didn’t like using Facebook messenger anymore and delete it, I wouldn’t be able to speak with Lila through it unless I used something else. So when she casually deleted messenger one day, I just... couldn’t hear from her anymore. She never told me she was going to do it, so all of my messages to her on the first day went to no one. I decided to give her some space and assumed she just didn’t feel like talking. By day 5 I was a nervous wreck and assumed she died and had no idea where she was or what happened to her. I was losing sleep over it, my friend was checking police reports in her area, I messaged her on twitter asking if she was okay. I got no response and felt so scared. Eventually, my friend Damian messaged her on twitter myself and she responded in a few short hours, just saying she forgot to tell me about it and resumed talking to me on twitter like nothing happened. All that worry and anxiety turned to anger really quickly, because she was either trying to break up with me in an indirect way by ignoring me, or she was just being inconsiderate and actually forgot to tell me our main means of communication was going away for no specific reason. I didn’t resent her, but I was upset.

This caused me to think long and hard about the relationship and how it was doing after those short few months. We both made mistakes. I got way ahead of myself and was asking about very serious steps way too early, I let my distrust of people guide my decision to act like someone I wasn’t to keep her interest because of past experiences, and she undermined a lot of my self confidence and said some very toxic things. I wasn’t quite ready for a long distance relationship and I was still hung up on bad things from my past. She hadn’t dated anyone before and wasn’t really ready to commit, nor did she have much interest in it. We agreed that going back to being friends was better, before we started to hate each other. And of course, we talked less and less in the following weeks until not at all. We haven’t spoken in a few months now, and looking back I’m not proud of my actions or hers. I think in another life, another time, after we both did a lot of growing up, we might have made a really great team. As I said before, I’m still very thankful to have met her. I think just meeting her gave me a lot of hope and confidence that even she couldn’t really ever take away. I know now that I have a chance at meeting someone who doesn’t look at me like an alien. I know now that I can’t be distrustful and hold everyone to the same standard as people. I know now that if I were to try dating again, there are a lot of bad choices that I’d avoid (definitely wouldn’t be so damn clingy, ew). And I know now that the girl from 2015 isn’t the only girl on Earth who will be interested in me, I just have to look for another one. As for “Sandra,” I texted her midway through this last semester telling her that I felt guilty about the way things quietly drifted off, and we met up a few weeks before thanksgiving break. That night we tried one more time, going to a restaurant with no open seats and a 2 hour waiting time. She said she wasn’t hungry and we went back to her place where she had no food so I remained starving for that night. Her parents weren’t home, and we... spent the rest of the night looking at vacation photos on her phone. It was clear that the magic just wasn’t there, and I told her before I left that I appreciated her giving me the opportunity to tell her that it just wasn’t meant to be. She had no interest in the things I liked, and while I could see that she tried to like those things too, her heart wasn’t in it. So we ended things amicably like we should have months before. I was proud with how I handled it, and I felt as if though I was finally an adult when it came to my relationships. 

I don’t need another person to like me in order to validate my existence. I don’t need to have everyone in the world think I’m awesome. I don’t need to rely on someone constantly to maintain my self confidence and my image. I don’t need to date someone to avoid feeling lonely, because you can be just as lonely in a relationship as you are out of one. I don’t need to say and do things untrue to myself to keep someone interested in me, because if they lost interest when I act like myself, they aren’t worth my time. I don’t need to date someone to feel complete. I don’t need to date someone just because I don’t want to hurt their feelings by turning them down. If you’re feeling alone lately and having a hard time getting into a relationship, just remember you don’t need any of that. There’s always someone out there for you, and your interests don’t make you completely alone, even if it feels like there’s no one else in the world that shares them. Being into “nerd shit” doesn’t guarantee that you can’t find someone to love and care about, and even if someone loves the same stuff as you, it might not work out anyway and that’s perfectly fine. Just remember that the only person you need to believe in you is you and no one else can fix you but you. Try to find someone after you have all that stuff sorted out or you’ll just end up getting hurt again. 

In all reality, I don’t need a girlfriend at all, but I’d still like one because the company is nice. There’s a girl out there for me, and I’m going to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past, and I’m going to leave behind the baggage and tragedies that lie behind me. Who knows, maybe going into 2018, I’ll get to meet her. Let’s hope so.

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