#and then ugh call me back again....
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Last Seen Blogs
Text
Thanks @thestarsarecool for tagging me! As always your taste is much more esoteric and intellectual than mine (Sgt. who?). But I guess I should have expected as much from someone going to Paul McCartney University 🙄
So here are my 4 most recently looped albums:
Grace - Jeff Buckley: THE album of all time (for me). I ruined it for myself a little by listening to it on loop while working two years ago, but finally I can listen to it again without an impending sense of dread.
Venus and Mars - Wings: Every song on this album is perfect (except Medicine Jar... I have no room in my heart for non-Paul Wings songs.) No song on BOTR has anything on Call Me Back Again.
RENAISSANCE - Beyoncé: cun-ty. cun-ty. cun-ty. cun-ty.
Double Fantasy: Stripped Down - John Lennon & Yoko Ono: Superior version because you get to hear John make strange noises at the end of half the songs.
I'll tag @m1ssunderstanding, @big-barn-bed, and @bambi-kinos if you're interested and haven't already done it + anyone else who wants to!
#not as embarrassing as the last one at least#tagged#to quote a great man:#in my green metal suit i'm preparing to shoot up the city#and the ring at the end of my nose makes me look rather pretty#even that song.. botr could never#and then ugh call me back again....#paul mccartney's answer to oh! darling#(lol)#i'm realizing that my ranking of paul mccartney songs is in fact 95% based on their proximity to oh darling#sonically not thematically#but either one helps
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
I find it fascinating how every single one of my health issues can be mistaken for laziness
#tw ableism#->#'ugh why doesn't she pay attention to classes?? lazy' -> I'm ADHD/2e. your lesson isn't interesting enough.#'why does your table have wheels? why do you have to work from your bed? that's clearly an excuse to be able to lay down wnvr you want'->#there's something unidentified happening with my back that makes me unable to sit straight for long periods of time and it hurts LIKE HELL.#'why did you only get up at noon? that's such a lazy behavior' -> my circadian rhythm is nocturnal. I'm only truly awake past midnight and+#+it has been like that since the day i was born. mom had to stay up with baby me until 3am#tw fatphobia#->->#'why are you so fat? are you eating healthy? are you going to the gym? smaller portions girrrrllllll' ->#first of all go to hell. but anyway i actively enjoy eating healthy food#i love salads.#and yes i go to the gym regularly. almost every day.#but i have a very fun thing called PCOS and it messes up with my hormones in ways no professional could help me yet 👍#but again. go to hell.#nonsims#non sims
184 notes
·
View notes
Text
Sometimes I forget why exactly I disliked ACOMAF as much as I did and then I see a random quote and am instantly reminded.
This is exactly the type of gaslighting that this book does that annoyed me so. fucking. badly.
'All he'd wanted to do wasn't free me, but fuck me' - ah yes, because it totally wasn't her who went for his pants first.
'He hadn't tried to kill her, hadn't crawled for me'
Excuse me? He crawled as he was bleeding out from a chest wound, still tied up. Not to mention he DID kill Amarantha in the end. (Also he couldn't kill her before, because that's how magic bonds work - none of the high lords could lift a finger against her. There was literally nothing he was able to do).
Also it makes no SENSE for Feyre to be resentful of Tamlin not rescuing her all of a sudden? Tamlin saved her already by returning her to the human realm. SHE returned to fight and die for him. She KNEW she'd most likely die but she was there to rescue HIM. It's not like she got kidnapped by Amarantha and he just watched, no she came to die for him. It's kind of weird to blame him for not getting her out when she came in to get HIM out.
So yeah, ACOMAF is awful in this regard and I just don't get it. It would have been quite easy and possible to make Feyre realize that Tamlin isn't right for her without literally making shit up about him that conflicts with book one.
#just a random thrum rant again#also lol the double standard#'I was doing those trials and tamlin did nothing to protect me i hate it'#'As soon as he got his powers back he tried to protect me with everything so I would never have to face such dangers again i hate it'#MAKE UP UR MIND FEYRE#but like ugh....i think its literally just that way to make Feyre seem less of a bitch for switching boyfriends so quickly#i am just surprised most people dont seem to mind this manipulative writing?#or however you want to call it#gha#acotar#tamlin
399 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#sorry let me rant real quick in the tags#cw personal#once again hitting an insurance pothole bc the psych says she accepts my OHP plan HOWEVER the therapy group she is contacted with says#THEY don't#they only accept the insurance if it's through my employer but NOT through the government??????????????#so there's still some kind of payment???#anyway I want to scream why is this so complicated#like will she take my insurance or not who's right here#anyway called her back directly and went to voicemail so now I've done all I can for now#why the hell is this so hard man#the person on the phone didn't know really how to explain#once again no one knows what they're talking about#like can y'all not communicate and figure this out?#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#i need to get an ADHD eval before my next PCP appointment in june so that they will continue giving me my meds#and the psychiatry through the hospital has a limited number of visits that insurance will cover#*contracted#not retyping all of that#and once again the only reason this is so stressful is because the psychiatry group at the hospital fumbled the communication ball last tim#and the psychiatrist I was with never put the ADHD on the chart#and now somehow it's MY responsibility to fix that>#UGH#like I am grateful to have some kind of coverage but holy shit is the US healthcare system in shambles#the bureaucracy is INSANE#i had to just sit down and put my head in my hands for a second#and then go 'right okay nothing i can do about that rn moving on'#uGH#literally said 'what the FUCK' out loud a couple times#like not on the phone after I hung up obvs
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
Just me being cheesy and feeling the love after feeling… empty?
Spent 2 days with my cousin and her amazing children and started this morning with a video call from my niece… I love them so much and feel the love and haismwpdheoans😭🥺🥹 this is what I needed
And I’m going for lunch with my friend and her family (I’m like her family’s permanent food/city tourguide since they’re from a different part of the country)… and she told me “you’re the little sister I’ve always wanted” and I was like “?????🥹😭” to the point she thought I was insulted/didn’t appreciate the comment 🤣🙈 ugh yeah…
Plus I got an adorable message from a mutual (HI KALI! 😘)
#ughhhhh#it’s always when I feel that I give out so much love and done receive any back that life is like ‘nah vee! you are loved!’#don’t *#not that I expect EVERYONE to love me and be friendly and stuff (although 👀🤪)#but still… ugh anyway it was a nice reminder that I am appreciated and loved#my cousins kids are so tall now and like wow…#I literally remember walking around with them in my arms and now they’re about my height (we’re tall lol) and 😭😭😭#and my mom called me because my niece was over and she’s all sunkissed and was showing me what she was having for breakfast and 😭😭😭😭#oh yeah… before anyone tried to come at me for this#I don’t ‘give out love/kindness’ expecting to have it in return…#but as a human sometimes it does hurt when you put all your energy into someone and don’t even get a thank you back…#this is a topic that could be like 939302 pages long to write about#fully aware no one shows love the same way#but again… sometimes it hurts/takes a lot of energy#ugh anywhoooo
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
I want to know which octopath developer woke up and chose violence
#yes this is about the extra battles#I’ve been working on them which has taken me a while bc I needed to level everyone first#and I FINALLY FINALLY got them all down#and then FUCKING OPHILIA#GETS UP FROM DEAD AND REVIVED EVERYONE#GIRL I KILLED YOU FIRST WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU JUST HAD RISE AGAIN LOADED AND READY. WHY CANT I DO THAT#tressa: invite friends (or whatever the fuck it’s called)#me: oh it’s them!!!!!! oh wait fuck#anyway we. died again. AND WE WERE DOING SO WELL#the current strat is scholar!temenos arcanist!agnea conjurer!castti and throne i had as merchant but her subjob matters less#castti keeps everyone bp boosted. temenos mainly is keeping everyone at full health#agnea latent power + reflective barrier#and then spam throne’s veil of darkness ability so they can’t land physical attacks either#and then repeat every time Alfyn neutralizes our buffs#the flaw with this strategy is everyone is busy doing damage reduction I don’t have a heavy hitter#especially since tressa keeps stealing castti’s ax#so it takes a really really long time to get them down#i think I might make castti a cleric and then swap osvald in for temenos#I’m worried about that bc osvald is so squishy but elemental attacks are the only thing tressa can’t STEAL#and the one true magic can break shields which will be helpful after ophilia FUCKING REVIVES EVERYONE WITH AUTO REGEN SHIELDS#before I was having good luck with ochette’s summon multiple beasts ability for shield breaking#but I don’t want to give up the reflective barrier/veil of darkness combo I’ve got with agnea and throne#and both of those are dependent on skills unique to them so I can’t just do thief Ochette or whatever#ugh. I’m gonna take a break and come back to this. Alfyn Greengrass you especially are not my friend anymore#actually that’s not fair TRESSA is my enemy. girl gimme my stuff back!!!!!!!!#octopath#octopath traveler
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
i guess im being offered the job lol
#i didnt even have to interview????? here i was worrying about oh god going for an interview#but i guess not???#manager called me just now and was like hey i spoke w the people they want to know if you can start on these dates#like. okay???????#theres a week of training for me to do and then the following week id start at thee job#like an idiot as i was saying bye on the phone i only remembered then that i should have asked if it was PAID training ugh.#im assuming so . but maybe not. idk#im gonna call him back on monday to give my answer#this is it.... i may finally be free of the annoying people....#but like anything i have my trepidations. bc who know if itll work out#well thats life. as the song goes#fortunately im still within the timeframe to change the amount for my commuter benefits pretax card thing#bc the monthly pass id need for the new job#costs like less than half of what i pay now for the bus to ny#crazyyyyy. anyway i gotta do that if i decide to take the job#its more money (a little. but still more. ok its like a dollar and 4 cents more. which not a lot but still)#i get more sleepytime (always good) and im saving on commuting#plus ill only have to pay nj (and federal) taxes. instead of also paying ny yay. thats good#sorry again weighing the pros and cons onstage here#UH. what else#well a shorter commute is good but it means less reading/music listening time#although ive only resumed reading recently lol#idk. well then i could read at home and not worry about my books getting messed up#these past couple weeks ive been :( that the like 70-something year old paperback ive been taking is getting a bit rougher#only a little. but yesterday it got a bit wet bc my bag got soaked in the rain#why am i taking a super old book to work well i dont know what to tell you we have some old books#ok getting off topic. everything seems good about the new job so fuck dude i guess ill go for it#finally free of the stupid people here.... on to new stupid people (undoubtedly)#well it's probably all good then but unfortunately i always worry what if it isnt. hm
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
sorta ? happy rant but still a rant below.
I’m so happy it happened and I don’t feel good about how much happier I feel but I feel so much happier ! and healthy ngl and it’s taking time and there are good parts and bad parts but overall I’m so glad we’re over because it was so unhealthy I couldn’t see it and I feel better now. And I know not all of it is good for me and I need to find more people to connect with and be friends with irl but cutting off the bad ones helps that so much I think. I’ve noticed I go weeks without thinking about them sometimes and it’s so good ? I feel good healing. Is that bad to say?
#camera talks#oops. ramble bc I’m upset at work but that’s what I was thinking about at 5 in the morning while I was driving#and also I don’t feel like I can tell my irls about this bc idk how they’d feel about me ‘bringing it back up’#I’d really love just to sit and call and chat with some of them about it but. el oh el I don’t think I can#I just think they’d be upset about me talking about it again bc it’s done and over but anyways#ugh. I have the stupid and hard cries about it too. and I still beat myself up about some aspects#but I feel so much bette it’s crazy. I didn’t know you could feel this much better after something like that#and I Know it happened in February which was a fucking while ago but it takes time to heal#I’m actually suprised I feel this good this soon tbh#still gonna vent tag this ngl#vent#tw vent#probably gonna delete later lmao
5 notes
·
View notes
Text
i was talking to my therapist last week about how i'm kinda excited but also equally apprehensive about starting grad school this fall because yes, i so so desperately needed a gap year otherwise i think i literally would have killed myself and/or had a breakdown big enough to land me in the hospital, and even beyond that i just needed to figure out a more concrete plan of what i'm going to do with my life in general -- while all of that is true, and i'm glad i took the gap year for it, i'm also apprehensive because i genuinely feel like an entirely different person than i was even at this exact point in time last year, nevermind anything earlier than that. it's only been a single year of me being out of school but my life has changed so dramatically, mostly for the better, and my whole personality has flipped on its head, it's just going to be so fucking weird going back to the same school, the same campus, potentially seeing my old friends around. augh
#sorry i was trying to find a post in my music tag in my archive and i scrolled so far back i got all the way to april 2023#where i referenced sitting in a dining hall#and its like. DINING HALL ?!?!?!#im going to be sitting in the fucking dining hall again in just like four months. UGH#brot posts#it's almost similar to the separation between high school and college. where i feel like hs me was completely different than college me#and now only a mere year later i feel like. post-undergrad me is completely different than undergrad me#although now that separation is exacerbated by how short a time it was and just HOW drastic a change it was#like . a bitch goes on antidepressants suddenly theyre a whole new person.#like im lowkey excited to see my old classmates and friends again#but i also am dreading it bc like hi. hey. i have the same name and face as the person you knew but i'm someone else now. sorry#and also just the persistent fear that i'm going to regress or at least even just /feel/ like im regressing#just by being back in that environment again?#even if i'll be on meds this time and actually going to therapy and overall having so much more support than i did in the past#so as nostalgic as i am to be on campus again it's also like. hard to separate the present from the past#like despite it all. this bathroom was still the very same place i went to have a mental breakdown weekly#this bench outdoors was the place i sat by myself to eat lunch in the blistering cold bc i couldnt eat indoors during covid 2020-2021#this bench indoors was where my friends had an intervention with me and forced me to call the on-campus mental health services#just . idk. feeling a strange mix of nostalgia and also being haunted by bad memories#oh the woes of going to grad school at the same place you got your undergrad. While mentally ill#but alas i need to save money by commuting and having instate tuition
10 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#tag talk#reasons I skedaddled from the relationship a a week after joining:#I only liked one out of two. I would have totally been friends with the one I liked. just not the other one. and you can't pick just one#the annoying one called sex “the horny” and I wanted to nope the hell out of there#I tried to build emotional distance by talking about how I was leaving at the end of the year and got told "#got told 'I'll still care about you even after you're gone' which like...#I react so so poorly to people who care so much they overstep my emotional boundaries#that's like. lowkey a trigger for me. I showed off my scars and they reacted with sympathy.#sympathy over my sick-ass scars that I'm proud of. I was like 'aren't these cool?' and they reacted with sympathy. no thanks#once again.. I like men. it was an experiment but I'm done. I wanted to see what it was like and I got my taste#they go on the list of people I've had sex with only once. because I usually do not go back for a second time with people#there was a chance I could have gotten one of them to play aoe with me that's the only potential benefit I could have gotten from them#otherwise nothing I wanted. they weren't good hiking pals. not good skating buddies. lame taste in movies.#the annoying one talked about wanting to be a sugar mommy which I should have seen as another un-vibe data point#cause I don't vibe with overly generous caring people either#tbh I'd rather be hated than simped over. I can't stand cloying overbearing kindness#people like that so often act as if their kindness entitles them to you and I just.. ugh. emotional blockages in place#it switched me back to L and now I'm he him pronouns again#and lowkey I think when we move I'm gonna cut our hair. I miss it short. we made a really cute guy.#being called miss and ma'am is fine and all but damn I miss being a cute boy#anyway. my life continues to be tumultuous and it's my own damn fault. I regret nothing but I will learn from this experience
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
man how do you tell someone you literally do not have the emotional bandwidth to deal with their breakdown
#Like. Hey stop sending me emotionally manipulative texts I keep having panic attacks when I see them <3#stop calling me 5 times in a row when it’s almost midnight and I have work tomorrow#like I /do/ care about you but I fuxking /cant/ with this#don’t text me shit like ‘I’m jealous that you can engage in your interests bc I don’t think I’ll ever be able to again’#bro I am GRASPING at the small amounts of comfort drawing and spn are giving me rn what do you want me to DO#I know I shouldn’t ghost#but that’s what I’ve been doing and I just.#fuck me dude I’m trying to put my focus towards finding jobs to apply to. Towards actually making my hours at my#Current job#bc I have family memebers dying and I need to visit them and the family that is around#Ugh I’m just. Maybe this would’ve gone differently if I wasn’t on the fucking brink already#but I am and I can’t and I cannot be the person you’re obsessed with#Anyways I’m on my lunch break crying in a park and I just want to stop existing#lea speaks#can’t wait to go back and work until 7 bc that’s the only way I can think to make my hours to visit my brother next week#Vent
12 notes
·
View notes
Text
...
#aaaand thats a 3rd doctor. a psychiatrist. who listened to me ans thought: mm sounds like bip0lar lol#me: wow its so easy to get diagnosed as bip0lar. thats bc u r exhibiting lots of depression and a limit amount of mood elevation. that's#like. thats what bip0lar is. she was like yea ppl with bip0lar 2 spend like 75% of time being depressed and a lil elevated mood... which#sounds like what u r describing. me:#...yeah. but again its complicated by the 0cd and spectrum issues. but she independently brought up 4dhd. just when i was like no its all#0cd. here we r again. stuck back in the messy overlap. but whatever i got proscribed bip0lar medicine. lam1ctal. we'll see#bc everyone i talk to is like. we need to control the mood 1st. like so u dont die. and im like hm yeah good call lol#she seems super cool tho. like i would love to just talk to her. ugh. she wants to get a handle on the mood and then maybe add a stimulant#bc shes had it happen in thr past where someone comes in with debiltating 0cd and got treated with lam1ctol and a stimulant and the#obsessive rumination stopped. so well see. idk if ill actually qualify as 4dhd enough. well see. fingers crossed#my mood is a lil elevated rn so its all fun. well see if we tip off a cliff bc im getting less sleep and go go going#unrelated#ugh im scared to start the medine tho bc the ssri i got proscribed fucked me up so much. which is also an indicator of bip0lar#god dammit. if this works im gonna have to actually accept the idea of being bip0lar. i mean. it makes sense being on that spectrum#is just sounds insane and i was not expecting it despite my fucking obsession with understanding wtf my deal is#idk. whatever. doesnt matter
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
.
#it's the last day of them being here thank fucking shit#honestly the best part of it all is that i have had a break from my on call job during this#it's made me realize how much of my energy taking care of him takes out of me#but also like#he won't ask me to do ANY fucking extra cleaning for him but has had this person doing So Much each fucking day they've been here#and this is shit we've talked about together So Many Fucking Times and yet he Still refuses to ask even the smallest fucking things of me#and this person had there hands all over my shit and i KNOW they arent a careful person#the biggest one to me is my childhood blanket that's nothing but tatters anymore#like#you have to be CAREFUL with that thing and this person was Not#im just.#so fucking frustrated with this whole entire situation#rn im just waiting in the parking lot for the extra shift that i picked up to start#been here for an hour at this point#just 25 more minutes then i can talk to strangers for the rest of my day#ugh#then back to the shitty fucking normal tomorrow#with all the EXTRA fucking cleaning I'll have to do to finish all the bullshit that they've started#i just want my house to feel like a home again
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i'm fucking exhausted. no breaks for howl this week. and they just fucking HAD to try and mess with the vacations i especially picked for a chill halloween.
#if you're waiting to hear back from me i promise i'm not ignoring you i'm just. so fucking tired.#i need a nap but they removed me from shifts and mostly into office hours so i can't or i won't sleep at night#and today as SOON as i got home i got called in to work AGAIN#bc system fucking broke ugh#howl rambles a lot
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i miss my little brother
#i haven't seen him in so long#here in greece our summer vacation is for three months#and that guy refuses to stay at home for more than five days istg#he's NINE and is already sick of us what will hr be like when he's my age#he's at our village. and HAS been there for like ten days at least#he's coming back on Wednesday. but before he went there he was at summer camp for two weeks.#bro came back sat at home for three days then dipped again. OH and ofc before summer camp he was guess where? AT OUR VILLAGE AGAIN#like george come back please your sia misses you#which yeah he calls me sia because a lot of the time he's too lazy to say me whole name. when he was a bit little-er he'd call E-nastasia#e like 'early'. cuz for some reason he couldn't say Anastasia to save his life#and he has the cheekiest most annoying shit eating grin every time he greets me with an insult that he THINKS is cool but it just solidifie#that he's nine years old#i wanna hug him#so so so bad#and the mf refuses to sit still so i can barely ever cuddle the fucker ugh couldn't he be as cuddly as our cousins are#i MISS HIM#there's a thorn missing from my side. put him back#i finished rewatching#hxh#and every time alluka and killua were in a scene together i was foaming at the mouth out of cuteness aggression and unbridled jealousy#currently rewatching#the dragon prince#and seeing ezran and callum being all adorable has me feeling thirty types of melancholic#siblings#little brothers are so fucking irritating and i want mine back rn#my little brother
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
The non-gendered urge to sit out in the sun to do my homework vs. the modern reality that I can’t see my screen in the sunshine.
#🌞vs💻#goal: 🏖️👩🏻💻#gillianthecat goes back to school#i’ve been a terrible mood today for no obvious reason. possibly hormonal? may vent about it later.#or post the long incoherent rant i wrote this morning about how scoy handled skyjao. it’s kinda mean. but i’#m in the mood to be mean and that seemed like the least harmful way to do it#then again i could just keep it in the drafts forever#i did the dishes which maybe helped a little#though my garbage disposal stopped working and now the kitchen sink is draining slow :-( I don’t even put big food scraps in their but#inevitably little ones escape#and i thing need to bite the bullet and call building maintenance because I do not know how to fix it myself. ugh. I hate it when I’m#actually being good - being a responsible adult by cleaning - and then outside forces conspire to stop me#no fair#i guess i’m doing my venting here in the tags. probably for the best.#I will eat the ramen I just overcooked then take my hw and tea outside next to my pretty new flowers and hopefully that will improve my mood#maybe post another clip of zimbardo being sus later. always fun to laugh at psychologists with questionable ethics.#this is basically a diary entry#not the post but the tags#rant#venting
14 notes
·
View notes