#and then my grandma has an ADHD diagnosis

[katanathegaydemon]

I have to have silence to read but I have to have noise to read but it can’t be like music with words noise even if the words are in a language I don’t know because I’ll end up distracted trying to sing/mouth along or pinpoint the words I recognize or figure out the story of it instead of reading the thing I was meant to be reading and I can’t use white noise because most white noise makes me feel kinda sleepy but if it’s like specific white noise in a specific mood sometimes it helps and sometimes just the sound of my ac is enough to keep me focused but sometimes it’s so distracting but oh sometimes I really want to be watching a video or movie or show while I’m reading because I desperately need the dopamine from all the things but I can’t read with the sound I focus too much on trying to understand everything said and all the different noises or music and sometimes I want to be watching something and listening to music and reading and playing games all at once and I need to be doing all of them or I’m understimulated but I can’t be doing all of them because that’s way too overstimulating and I can’t stand it and sometimes I need to be in a call with my friends to be able to do things but I can’t be in a call with my friends I get too distracted trying to process everything they’re saying and doing

[libraford]

Honestly I don't know how I survive being a parent half the time. Kids are noisy, are clingy, and are tiny chaos makers. I love my kids but being a parent is not for everyone and more people need to stop trying to force kids on kid free people.

My boss recently became a grandma, so she has babies on the brain and i'm very happy for her and her family but sometimes her grandson will be in the office and I'll make a goofy face at him and she'll say 'see, you do want kids!'

And its like... no? I want to make goofy faces at babies. I don't want to be responsible for the safety, health, finances, and happiness of a human being in my care. I enjoy working with kids to the amount that I spend with them- which is 60 seconds- which is enough for them to be either cute at me or rotten, and then back to the adult responsible for their care.

I'm on one of the facebook groups for my city and I would say easily that 90% of the discussion is about kids- where to get the best maternity care, which hospitals will do natural births, who has the best day care, who has the cheapest daycare, did you hear about what happened at this daycare center and can you believe they let it go on this long, which school should I enroll my 6 year old in, is it better to put them in a private charter, did you hear what happened at that school and can you believe they let it go on this long, why were the cops at this school, did you hear about the fight at the football game last night, what do I do if my child is trans or autistic or should we seek an official ADHD diagnosis and does it do anything-

I have anxiety enough just trying to handle myself.

Mad respect to people who are parents and trying.

[for-gilded-cups-are-empty]

Ive managed to find maybe one of the shadiest doctors in the city...

so i needed a psychiatrist, right? add, adhd, who knows, either way my executive function broke and i probably need help.

Wait times are horrible though, so made a bunch of appointments to see what would work fastest, one via a private provider. That one was moved forwards from originally being in september to today.

I need to fully describe this place, it was crazy.

There is only one man working in the entire "practice" and he is the doctor. He is wering nothing under his striped hawai shirt that has only hald the buttons closed, and not even to corresponding holes. He has to tell every patient that comes in and asks for something at the desk that his system is broken and all prescriptions must be printed, no digital.

This combined desk and waiting room is entierely yellowed. no plants, the only decoration a desk lamp with an embroidered landshade that looks stolen from someones grandma and a printout of a stained glass butterfly on the wall. The only reading material is a 12cm thick book called "The 1000 Breeds of Dog".

The carpet is beige and the lights humm persistently.

After being asked to the desk im led by the doctor through two hallways filled with wardrobes (the kind for clothes) and cupboards (the kind for cups, with the cute little windows) filled with paperwork. im told to sit down in an office with one desk and one bookshelf for furniture. The desk chair is held together with literal string. Theres marks on the table were documents must have laid for years while the sun bleached the plastic faux wood veneer around them. Looking around, there is not even a clock. The one calming staple ive seen in every doctors office ive ever been in is missing. It feels Conspicuous.

Looking around, i note a bag of packaged syringes on the floor next to a fax machine plugged into a wall outlet.

Above them hangs a faded print of Hieronymus Bosch's "Garden of earthly delights". All color except for blue and pale yellow have been bleached away.

After an unknown of time passes, the doctor returns to me in the office, we talk for less than 3 minutes, i tell him what diagnosis im seeking, he says its easy, hell send me a link to a test and can get me medication. I dont think i want the medication anymore?

Nodding along, i eventually leave the office for my home, and find that an email adress called "Doctor" has sent me an email containing nothing but an encrypted link with the Subject "ADHD".

I do the test, the second half of the questions are all in third person, asking about "the patient", clearly meant for the doctor to fill out.

I do my best.

I think im gonna go for a second opinion before i take any meds this man prescribes me? Either way, im having an utterly fascinating week, between this, the other thing and the Pagan Nazi i found at my supermarket. Utterly Fascinating

[a-big-mess-of-a-person]

Hello, my name is Big Mess of a Person, and here is some reasons I think I'm autistic.

If you have autism, please skim this? (Or read it in massive depth if you want) and please just let me know what you think. I really want more opinions.

Notes, before we get into it

- All of this is speculation. These are all things that I have noticed that some of my autistic friends do, that I also do

-While I don't have an autism diagnosis, I am diagnosed with ADHD, and it is very severe. I know they share a few traits so I have really just convinced myself it's my ADHD and nothing else. I am at a point where I want other people's opinions

- I am aware that having just a few of these traits does not mean I am autistic. I am making this post to mainly ask autistic people what they think. I want more opinions before I talk to my parents about it (my dad will not be super willing to get me tested)

- I know that if I do have autism, it is not very severe. I know it's easy to say that we would've known if it was 'bad' enough but it would not surprise me if we missed this for 16 years. My ADHD hit us straight in the face for 14 years and no one had any idea until we talked to my doctor

Alright, time to type it all out (yay.)

1. If people touch or move my things, it is very possible I will break down in one of two ways depending on how I'm feeling that day. I will either want to scream or break down and weep. Example(s)

- My grandfather came over this weekend while I went to his house. He stayed in my room. (As much as I love him, I did not want him in my room, I asked if we could offer him my sister's room (she's away at college) but he chose my room and he was helping us so I had to deal with it) He knocked over two of my Monster High dolls, and he put them back where they went, but just seeing them messed with and not how I put them made me want to cry. This combined with everything else that was going on made me have what I think was a meltdown. (You will get more context to last night as we go on)

- Despite us changing the sheets, just seeing my bed not how I have it made me also want to cry. It didn't feel like it was my bed anymore. We fixed it, but my room doesn't feel like my room. This is a stupid way to put it, but it's accurate, the vibe is off. It's not the vibe of my bedroom. So it doesn't feel like my room. I wanted to cry (spoiler alert, I did cry)

- This combines #1 and #2, #2 already had a lot of examples so im putting it here. My hands have been really dry recently and so I got this moisturizer. I forgot to bring it to my grandma's so my hands have been extremely dry and cracky which makes me want to die within itself, but that's not the point right now. Because we are redoing the bathroom, my hand moisturizer has been moved to an unknown location so I had to use one that has the wrong texture, feeling and smell.

2. I have very bad texture/smell/feeling(?) problems. The word is sensory. It's like an hour after I first wrote this. The word I was looking for is sensory. Example(s)

- I am a known sock hater and it's because they sometimes feel loose around my ankles. Anything loose around my ankles makes me want to scream and cry all at the same time. This has been true my entire life. It's why I don't wear certain shoes, or certain pants. If there is anything near my ankles it has to be an even pressure, or nothing at all

- Anything on my hands that is not meant to be there makes my blood boil. I need to wash it off as soon as possible. Even unsolicited water makes me feel like this. My hands can't be wet (or anything else) without me wanting them to be or else I lose my mind

- Anything on the bottoms of my feet (like dust, dirt, random shit on the floor) makes me feel very uncomfortable and I want to cry. An example from last night is the dust that covers my bathroom floor right now because we are redoing it. There is construction dust covering my floors (every damn room in the house) and the idea of walking into my bedroom with my feet covered in this dust made me freak out. I was nearly in tears. I was so upset that I froze. I couldn't move or speak or anything without wanting to cry even more. I had to walk back into the bathroom and get a wet cloth then walk on the sides of my feet till I could sit on the edge of my bed, then I wiped my feet off. Now, if I have to leave my bed or couch, I am putting my slippers on. There's a lot more that I'm not typing, that I think is necessary, but it would be so much more and I'm not good at typing so it probably wouldn't make sense anyway

- Right now my scalp makes me want to scream. Because of the bathroom being redone right now, we can't shower. (part of the reason I went to my grandmas house) I showered before I came home yesterday but I used the wrong shampoo and conditioner, so my hair looks like shit. I needed to go to school today so I woke up and dry shampooed it so I didn't look like a greasy mess. Normally I can deal with the texture being wrong, and the horrible smell that bubbles around me all day, and the cloudy look it gives me hair, but after everything else I could not do it today and so I started crying, which is why I am even typing this right now, because I'm not going to school today. So it was for nothing and now my hair feels bad and I still cant shower and I am probably gonna have to do it again tomorrow or use the sink to shampoo and condition my hair

3. I go into stretches where I am almost completely non verbal. If I am overwhelmed or anything I can go into stretches where I don't speak, or interact with anyone. People touching me makes me feel worse and it's hard to tell them to stop without yelling or seeming mad. It makes me feel really shitty because it's not always their fault, but I snap at them anyway. I am often very shaky during this and it's hard for me to use my arms and legs to move or hold things. I don't have any specific examples right now, but I will add them if I find some (It's really just as I typed it though)

4. This one I'm a bit unsure if this is autism, or just me being weird, but I am very good with sympathy, and I lack empathy. I can very well feel bad for someone, feel sorry for them, and i often give people the benefit of a doubt when I don't know their situation, but I don't feel bad for that long? I don't feel it with them. This doesn't mean I think they shouldn't feel that way, I understand why they do, I just don't feel that way. I think I need some examples to explain this one so, Example(s)

- Let's say someone is in a car ahead of me. They are driving slow and maybe not doing everything they should be. While my mom who's driving gets slightly annoyed and huffy, I think "what if they are a new driver? I know what it's like to be a new driver and I know I wouldn't be doing it on purpose" then I am ok being behind a slower car (this is one side of the coin)

- Lets say my friend got into an argument with her dad last night. She tells me how it makes her feel. While I am sorry that she got into an argument, and I do feel bad, it's not taking up any of my mental space. I will understand if she is off, but I don't feel any level of "feeling what she's feeling" even though I am very familiar with getting into upsetting arguments with my own dad.

- This is very similar to the last but still different so I'm giving it a category. Let's say my friend tells me about something bad that happened in their life. I don't think about it all the time. It doesn't affect me in any way. Though if I were to tell my friend about the same thing she acts like it affects her personally

This friend I am talking about is a very sympathetic and empathetic person, so maybe I just don't relate to it like she does and it makes me feel like something is wrong with me even though we are just different. I think the gist is, I don't understand that type of feeling well. Even if I have experience in the situation, I don't relate it and hold onto it. I may make the connection, but then that's it. While I feel bad for them, and understand why they may be acting different, it doesn't affect me or bother me. It takes up no space in my head. It's not that I don't care, but it just doesn't stick in my mind. I am really unsure if this is autism or not? I know having autism messes with perceiving feelings and emotions from others so I'm putting this just in case. Speaking of perceiving feelings and emotions from others, that moves us to #5!

5. This may be a normie thing that I just don't know is a normie thing but better be safe than sorry. I am hyper aware of how other people in the room feel. I know autism can include not reading the room well but I've heard that it can also be reading the room REALLY well. Example(s)

- I can walk into a room and understand how everyone is feeling. I am really good at reading body language and listening to tone of voice. If this is something that could be autism, I think it is part of the reason it has taken this long for anyone to realize I might have it. I am good at reading body language and tone of voice, so I am good at using it to portray how I feel (and to cover up how I feel). I am constantly changing how I say things and changing my hang gestures and the way I am holding myself to portray the emotions I want people to read.

I have no idea if that is autism, but I think it could be. So here, have it, I guess

6. I know a lot of people with autism fidget, and this is similar? I don't know what it's called (if it even has a name) but when an autistic person will like, express a big emotion through body language. Like, jumping when excited, or shaking hands when nervous. That thing? I don't know what it's called and I hate describing it in a way that makes it seem minimal and I feel like the description I just gave definitely makes it seem minimal. I'm not trying to do that, I just don't know what it's called. Anyway, here's what I mean? Example(s)

- I will shake my hands when I am nervous. I shake them like I'm trying to get water off of them

- I crack my knuckles under high pressure situations or when I'm nervous

- If I get really excited I will usually jump or kinda run in place?

I feel like the way I am describing this one is off somehow. I don't know how, but from my perspective I feel like I'm objectifying this? I don't know if I am. But I'm honestly not trying to do this I just don't know how else to type it. It's a sensory thing, I know that, I just don't know how to explain it? I'm gonna move on from this.

Ok, this is all of the reason I can think of right now. I'm sure there's more, and I will update this as needed. It's taken me like two hours to type all this out, so I'm done for now.

If anyone actually reads this and has feedback thank you. I appreciate it. I hope I didn't do anything that is considered bad to do. I'm not trying to. I'm not normally on this side of Tumblr. I don't even know if "this side" exists!

I'm gonna use tags to try and get people to see this, so, sorry if I use the wrong tags. I don't know what the correct ones would be. Sorry if the tags are weird. I want people to see this. I really need advice and other opinions. I'm not trying to self diagnose with the tags, I just want people to see this.

Sorry if I'm acting weird in this. I feel very bad right now. I don't feel like my normal self probably because of everything that happened last night. (I didn't cover even half of it)

Ok, done for now. I will reblog with new thoughts as they arrive.

[multi-fandom-agereg]

☁️ getting better ☁️

(a positive vent about my mental health.)

Cw: meds, depression and BPD mention (will mention BPD and mention I may have it. But I'm not self diagnosing since I'm not sure!) ⚠️

I can, (hopefully) officially say I'm getting better. I finally got back on Adderall for my ADHD. And honestly? I feel like a brand new person. And it's something I don't say alot. If, at all.

I feel ashamed for what I did yesterday. I was so mad that I lashed out on my grandma and it wasn't fair on her for me to do that with. So we made up and I'm going to do my best to treat her better. + Help around the house once I'm able to officially get my knee brace

I'm going to try and work on my mental health including my depression. So I'm going to take another break to put my family and school first. Once I know I'm able to balance the Internet, family and school all at once I'll be back:] and I will start working on my inbox and finish my drafts. I've been putting them off for about a year now, and I think that needs to change

Until then, I'm going to focus on my knee brace situation, getting better grades and hopefully a autism diagnosis that I desperately need rn lol. Also I think I have BPD. My mom has it and it can be generic so- I'm going to look into it with my therapist.

It's going to get better. I can feel it. I just wish my grandpa was still here to see it. I'm sure he'd be proud of me

(silly image because I feel also equally silly)

[peakvirgo]

caught up with my mom for a while this morning and made an offhand comment about how none of us really expected me to be able to live on my own and she got really quiet and asked why I would think that, and I had to reminder her of the semi annual doctor visits when I would go off my meds and they would sit me down and remind me that I absolutely had to take meds if I wanted to drive, have a job, live in a dorm, etc etc etc

and she didn’t really like hearing that but explained that those were pretty early days of adhd as a diagnosis and they didn’t really know what they were talking about, but looking back it’s clear that pretty much the whole family has it, no one has it worse than my grandma who’s lived alone for fifty years, and I’m the only one who internalized that message. her & my dad have never been worried about me as an adult

so here’s a reminder that when you tell kids things to coerce certain behavior, they do in fact remember them and it can have a lasting impact!!!

[oathbreaker-oathkeeper]

Neurodivergency

So I've been dealing with some shit for roughly the last 8 months. Maybe longer, maybe my whole life, but that was when I really started to understand that I was not doing great.

For background context, I had essentially some sort of break down when I was in 8th grade. I'd always been a bit of a weirdo, but I moved when I was in 7th grade and I just never really found my place at my new school. And so about a month into 8th grade I just stopped going. Even now, I wouldn't be able to explain to you why I stopped going. But I missed about a month of school, and it was just overwhelming. All of it. I was put into therapy, diagnosed with anxiety and depression, and switched schools. So I do have an "official" diagnosis of anxiety and depression.

And I've pretty much used those to explain any weirdness the rest of my life. But then I had a kid, covid happened, and now I'm in my early 30s and I feel like I've absolutely lost my shit.

Which is when I started wondering if I am actually autistic, or have adhd, or some other actual neurodivergent condition. The algorithm is pretty sure it's autism.

I do have a sibling with an autism diagnosis. I have wondered if I don't come from a long line of autistic women (my mom had a lot of hyperfixations and my grandma collects bells shaped like ladies and teapots shaped like cats).

So I've talked to my psychologist about it - about the diagnoses that I do have and whether they might have just been an easier label to put on other things. Because girls weren't autistic in the 90s and the 00s, we were just quirky.

My psychologist agrees with me that I'm probably not actually depressive. I do think I have anxiety, and when it gets to a certain point I shut down.

She said that anxiety does often go along with autism. Since I have a sibling with autism, I'm more likely to have it to. She agreed that I do show other symptoms of autism - like my hyperfixations, being a "picky eater" (which is actually me having problems with textures), and that I often pretend I'm playing a character in social situations. I can get stuck in loops when talking to people and don't know how to get myself out of them. I know I'm supposed to make eye contact but I have to force myself to do it. I can tell that I'm being weird socially but don't know how to stop.

So overall, I feel fairly confident that I'm somewhere on the spectrum. But getting an official diagnosis requires testing and money that I'm not sure I can afford or justify.

So I feel kind of stuck in a loop. I feel like I should maybe start explaining to people "sorry, I'm possibly autistic" and I feel like I'm hiding this big secret. At the same time, I know people get really upset about "self-diagnosed" autism. Is it still self-diagnosed if a psychologist has agreed that it's entirely possible?

[foster-the-world]

Moving along

Having a great vacation to celebrate our anniversary and both of our Birthday's. The kids are in heaven with my Mom and Aunt. I was worried about baby boy and felt guilty about leaving him. He's doing great. My Mom is so good with him. When I dropped him off at school he was still clinging to me/crying. With my Mom he walks in without looking back. I'm so glad we booked the trip despite my worries. Time with your grandparents/family/people who love you is a gift. I have such fond memories of weeks with my Grandma when my parents went on trips. My kids are lucky they will have the same memories. My Mom made a list of fun things the kids wanted to accomplish. They took baby boy to his first movie. Obviously enjoying all of the uninterrupted time with my husband. It's so easy to travel without the kids. I also think its really good for my Aunt. She doesn't move much - as in she rarely walks anywhere. She loves spending time with the kids and they force her to move. Its incredibly helpful for us and I think she likes feeling useful. She also takes care of her Mom. She's pretty grumpy so its a thankless job.

Job interviews are rolling in. Odd/nice to be in a job that companies are desperate to hire. One job sounds great but I'm worried about the commute time. Its a home for children with developmental delays. The kids seem to be on vents/have trachs. It says they can't live at home. I'm not sure why as many kids with those things live at home. The parents generally become experts. Maybe these are more complicated then what I'm familiar with. The place looks fancy - it includes a swimming pool. They train new grad nurses. It reminds me of a college summer job I had working at a Paul Newman job for kids with illnesses. It was wonderful. It would be a lot to learn but that's anywhere. Five weeks of vacation and a good salary. It says you accumulate PTO immediately but can't take vacation for six months. That won't work for me but I'm assuming its something I can negotiate. Especially if I'm willing to take unpaid time off that I preschedule during the first six months. I want/need Christmas and April Spring break off. The interview is next week. I also have an interview at a IVF clinic. Have an option to interview for a home health job. I think the long run that would be interesting/great but I don't want to start a job where I'll be on my own. They will train me but I have my doubts its enough. I'll probably do the interview just to hear more/practice.

Evaluations for baby boy continue. His OT said "no way he has autism." Feeling calmer about it no matter the diagnosis. The fact that he's charmed his teacher and is getting rave reviews has eased everything. We need to treat his ADHD type symptoms to keep him and those around him safe. From what I understand the two time's a week OT sensory gym sessions is the first step towards that. Still hoping to tour a special ed school but as of now not feeling that recommendation. Also will feel better when we get an adoption date. No word on that from anyone. The caseworker still acts like we are crazy for even asking.

Bee had a fun Birthday party. So nice to see all of her little friends. So lucky to have such a great community.

[chibabymumma]

This is my private Diary, obviously not that private as it's on Tumblr, but a place where I can scream, vent, cry and freak out without judgement from those close to me, I have to be balanced constantly which is battle.

A little bit about myself I am a mum of 4, 3 adults 1 toddler, the Toddler who will call little lion, has Congenital hyperinsulinemia, hypoglycemia,heart defect, peg fed, sensory issues, possible autism, non verbal, oral aversion and is literally a baby shark! If you can see the state of my arms you would believe me.

I just so need a safe space where I can find some sort of solace in my journey, of being a older mum navigating through the horrors of menopause after finally getting my autism diagnosis at age 49! And ADHD, with the sheer terror of having a little lion and about to be a grandma for the first time! Oh Goddess help me! And the new and improved tantrums now little lion has hit 3!! How do you cope with it? When my premenopausal self just literally wants to lay in the road with him and scream and shout at the injustice and sadness at the world, but no I move forward gently trying to get little lion to stop having a meltdown in the middle of the road, while he's biting my knuckles so hard they are swollen when I get home! All around me people are staring and tutting at me, I don't blame them he's a complete diva when he gets started, the ear piercing screams can shatter the sky, they certainly shatter my ears and my heart.

Little lion was a surprise. I wasn't expecting him, he just sort of arrived, I had at this point as well as my 3 adult children, 6 miscarriages. 3 very painful ones in the few years leading up to his arrival. My husband noticed first I thought the perimenopause had started and only did the test to say "nah see the changes have started" and there they were those 2 clear lines. I freaked out I'm not going to lie, Gave my poor husband a heart attack squealing and fainting. I remember the day so clearly one of my adult children had got COVID I was beside myself with worry this was the day the UK went into lockdown. My wee boy well man, was working ok a diary farm away to try and boost his funds, we had all just watched the news conference and I took the test reading about the effects of COVID lamenting my sadness and worry for my other boy, praying he would be ok, the world was a scary place. The test was next to me. As I read I got more and more panicked for him, I barely noticed the test I finally got my head out of the BBC news site I picked up the test and instantly had a meltdown! The joys of being me. And that was the start of this insane ever ongoing saga that is my life.

[c0smicfern]

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: Hey. Just wanted to remind you that you're *autistic*.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: No, she's not. Get out of here; you're not helping.

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Her *amygdala* would beg to differ. Say, do you remember what we did to your brother's arm, or have you already forgotten?

> I forgot.

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You were in your stepmother's minivan; your father, grandpa, grandma, brother, and sister with you. It had been a long day, and you were *tired*. You started to break down and mentioned *suicide*. Your sister tried to shut you up by telling you how tired everyone was of you talking about killing yourself. It worked a little... *too* well. When we finally arrived at your sister's dorm, they tried to ask you where you left your things so she could grab them for you.

> Then what happened?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You tried to write it down, but your brother shut down your feeble attempt at communication. Minutes passed as you sat there motionless, staring out at the quiet parking lot. They told you if you couldn't communicate where you left your things that they would be left behind. You remembered: Baphie. You thought, "Fuck the clothes, fuck my hygiene products, I'm not going to bed without that little plush demon." As your sister finally climbed out of the vehicle, *it* began. You had a premonition only moments before of what would happen if the worst came to pass, and it seemed like it had.

> What did I *do*?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: You *thrashed* against the side of the vehicle. Even began to hit yourself, but your brother grabbed you and held you against his chest. Without a moment to think, without control of your body, without even realizing what was happening, you clawed your brother's arm as you began... to *scream*. The tears flowed as the persona you had spent your life building up came crashing down. If they thought you were a bit weird and simple-minded about complex emotional issues before, they *knew* how much of a freak you were now.

> That's awful.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: As awful as it sounds and *was*, autism spectrum disorder diagnoses are not made by heart-wrenching anecdotes. They are made using the standardized diagnostic criteria. Encyclopedia?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success]: The criteria for autism spectrum disorder is broken up into four sections. Section A refers to atypical social behaviors, approaches, and body language, as well as a failure to maintain back-and-forth conversation and difficulty with making and keeping friends. While not an explicit requirement in the criteria, psychiatrists and specialists licensed to diagnose ASD usually will not give a diagnosis of ASD if the subject has not historically had issues with cognitive empathy. In particular, cognitive empathy here means: receiving and understanding social cues such as facial expressions, tone of voice, and the like as well as non-literal speech, which encompasses idioms, metaphors, jokes, teasing, and so on.

SWARM [Medium: Success]: It is often argued that autistic people don't struggle with cognitive empathy *in general* so much as they struggle with assuming the perspectives of other neurotypes, just as *neurotypicals* struggle with understanding autistic people and people with ADHD. You're fairly mediocre at *both*, but understanding and relating to autistic people comes slightly more naturally to you. So.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Is 'relating more easily to autistic people' on the diagnostic criteria?

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Easy: Success]: It's not.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Then I rest my case.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success]: The pieces may not fit, but you know deep within yourself that it is true. It is one of the first things you knew about yourself, coming to lucidity in a world not made for you.

DRAMA [Trivial: Success]: Maybe it's... *schizophrenia*.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: God dammit. Who let that guy in here? This is a private courtroom.

> Do I get any kind of say in this?

INLAND EMPIRE [Trivial: Success]: No.

HALF LIGHT [Trivial: Success]: No.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success]: No.

> So what's the takeaway here?

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. Your *deeper consciousness* has known this your whole life despite the differences between you and autistic people.

SWARM [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. You share more in common with autistic people than you do with neurotypicals or people with solely ADHD. You have a sixth sense for them and can identify them not only with the things you have learned or their body language but by their *aura* alone.

HALF LIGHT [Medium: Success]: You're autistic. The ways in which we move or *don't* in response to overwhelming emotion, change, and even stimuli, at times, fit no other explanation better.

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: There is absolutely *no way* that you are autistic. It's C-PTSD, catatonic depression, or literally *anything* else. You don't fit the criteria completely; you are not autistic.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success]: What he said.

> Is there any kind of synthesis that can be made from these opposing viewpoints?

LOGIC [Medium: Success]: Well, we're all in agreement that you have *something* going on beyond your ADHD, intermittent anxiety and depression, and substance use. We have evidence that this is the case in the form of your psychiatrist's dismissal of the ADHD and substance use theories for your catatonic symptoms.

INLAND EMPIRE [Challenging: Success]: But nothing has ever resonated in you quite like autism. Something about the spiritual connection you feel only to autistic people speaks to something burbling *deep* within you.

LOGIC [Easy: Success]: Again, that's not part of the diagnostic criteria. Is this really my opposition? Look, we'll... we'll keep looking. It may seem to take forever, but we will find the answer *eventually*. Keep asking questions.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success]: I could say the same to you, Mr. Cold-and-Calculating. What is your accuracy rating for determining such things? Mine is near 100%. Despite the differences between her and most autistic people, she knows it is the truth, deep inside her. She doesn't believe you. Not really.

SWARM [Easy: Success]: He *is* uncharacteristically unreasonable for a person with only ADHD. It doesn't need to be said, but that's *also* a sign of autism.

LOGIC [Trivial: Success]: Listen...

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Despite the conflicting evidence, the odds are stacked against you here, chief. Best back down.

ENCYCLOPEDIA [Trivial: Success]: She can read social cues...

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: Have you forgotten the distress her social confusion used to cause her? Still causes her? Her amygdala remembers. Are we sure *Mr. Cold-and-Calculating* isn't the cause of that?

LOGIC [Impossible: Failure]: I... don't actually know.

INLAND EMPIRE [Easy: Success]: There you have it. Should we call this? Close the case?

HALF LIGHT [Easy: Success]: It's your call.

INLAND EMPIRE [Medium: Success]: I'm calling it. This has been a reminder that you're autistic.

Thought gained: Actual Autism Diagnosis

[orchidyoonkook]

orchid (I GOTTA), tulip, gladiolus, + hydrangea 🫡

Orchid - favourite fruit?

All of them 😂😂. I love fruit so much it’s ideally what I’d eat all day everyday. I’ll say strawberry for the question but literally like: blueberries, raspberries, cherries, cantaloupe, peaches, oranges, clementines, etc. i love them all.

Tulip - lucky number?

3 & 7. Always have been.

Gladiolus- who do you look up to most?

Shit dude that’s a hard question.

Writing wise? I actually really look up to Ryen. She’s the one who got me back into writing after two years of not doing it again. I just felt so inspired by her work that it sparked it again for me.

People wise? My grandma, an Olympian who’s also very zen and just an really kickass woman. And my grandpa, who can make literally anything. I’m talking houses, cars, motorcycles, anything. From scratch.

Idol wise? Joon and Yoong. Joon has this outlook on life and art that, as an artist, I can only hope to have one day. He’s someone I’d love to just sit down with and talk about life with. Yoong for many reasons. He’s my bias because I relate to him the most (and he’s pretty). But he’s an ADHD kid who picked his passion and won. As an ADHD kid (who only found out she was recently) I can only hope for that for myself. My diagnosis kind of threw both a wrench in my life but also a lifeline. And so to see someone like me out there whose done it, he keeps me calm and hopeful that I can do whatever I want.

Also Chan from stray kids. Chan’s only two years older than me, but successful and maintains his professional composure so well. It shows me that a good life is achievable if you try and dedicate yourself. And that’s something I need because I struggle with my neuro divergence in the workplace a lot. So he’s nice to look up to to see you can still be a crackhead and good at your job. (I know Chan isn’t ADHD, he’s just close to me in age and successful)

Hydrangea - proudest moment?

Lots!! But most recent is graduating college in the pandemic in a very difficult program with honours. I worked my ass off for that and I got it.

[twistytwine]

Lil thing about an ex-friend! (This isn’t a vent or rant, this is just me reflecting about my own past flaws and mistakes and talking about them)

Lately, I’ve been seeing a therapist, and talking to them has allowed me to tell them all about my own flaws that I’ve observed of myself from clashes with my mom, grandma, and past friends. One of them I need to get off my chest is how I viewed one of my ex-friend’s relationships with myself. I used to think I was totally the victim in that scenario and they were an “““abuser”““, but as I got more mature, now almost eighteen years old, I’ve come to realize that we were both toxic. Not abusive, but just toxic. We were both really young teens who had good hearts but were, admittedly, kind of assholes towards each other.

I was really hypocritical criticizing them for vagueposting back then, because I also used to vaguepost. It doesn’t matter whether or not I stopped before them or they did it less; I still never admitted I vagueposted a lot too and refused to confront people straight-up about issues I had. I think the shittiest thing I did to them was, when I decided to stop being their friend for the final time, I sent them a crappy Google doc berating them for all the things they’ve done to me, but whenever I addressed my own mistakes, I always used the word “maybe.” Maybe I shouldn’t have done this. Maybe I influenced your behavior doing this. I never took on the blame full-force. I never straight-up said that I did make a mistake doing this thing, I did influence them, I did hurt them. I was always under the impression that I was bad, but at least I was better than them -- it was never about who was better than the other. It should have been about communication, understanding, and helping each other recognize their flaws instead of scolding them like a child.

They hurt me, but I also hurt them a lot. It was my fault for treating my own actions as if they were the final straw and ignoring all the infliction that came from it. And the shittiest part of the document revolved around my mindset at the time; I was really obsessed with the idea of diagnosis. Before I actually discovered that ADHD was more than just “haha I can’t focus lol” and theoretically could be the source of a lot of my mental problems, I thought that I had BPD. It came from the desperate idea of needing something to define my toxic traits, because if I didn’t have that, then what did I have? I refused to believe that my own actions came from my own hand and not some mental illness orchestrating everything in my brain. The crappiest part of this “last-response” document was me projecting all of this onto them. I believed that they could “get help” for their behavior because I thought they had BPD. I listed out the symptoms and everything. I recall there being a genuine care for them solving some of their habits, but I treated it like I was accusing them as a judge of the court.

Anyway: Both them and I hurt each other and I believe caused some trauma on each other in some way. It took me a few years to stop thinking about the things they said and did to me everyday, and I feel like it took them some time to do the same. It’s only an assumption though, and I think a better assumption would be that, like me at the moment, they’re doing better mentally and the trauma I inflicted onto them has been reduced in its effects. I used to think about them everyday and be paranoid they were vagueposting about me in other places on the internet, which triggered me whenever I saw any sort of vaguepost vent from friends, even when they weren’t about me at all and about something else. However, now I don’t vaguepost at all and only think about them once in a super duper long while, and even then it’s just a passing positive thought, hoping that they’re alright.

If there was the chance to talk to them again and apologize to them for the things I’ve done, I would. But I think it’s just been too long between us, and I admittedly don’t know if I’d be comfortable facing them again due to my memories of our unhealthy behavior towards each other. I suppose my form of relief regarding this would be thinking that they’re doing okay, and that they have new friends who accompany them like I do. 

This is completely different from that one ex-friend who (if I recall) was really mentally unstable and ended up threatening to kill me through the screen of their computer (which is not possible if I last recall how physics and logic work). I think our “friendship” started when they accidentally messaged me or something or I did to them, and then they just kept on talking to me even though we weren’t friends. I have no idea what possessed 13/14-year-old me to keep the relationship going because I had to calm them down and convince them not to murder their family, but I think it was just because young me back then craved the attention from them. This one is going into my “Young Twisty Cringe Comp”

[kisssssessssssyj]

next week i finally have my very first psychiatrist appointment. It‘s mainly so I can get my meds prescribed (I‘m living off of scraps rn it feels like) but I really feel like I have a bunch to talk about.

kinda tw//death, sa, knifes and all that shit I dont wanna have this all open 😭

We can start with the fact that I‘m still super depressed from my mom‘s death, so sad I haven‘t even processed my grandma’s death yet. I still often feel like she‘s still alive I just dont see her as much.

Then my emmetophobia definetly, this phobia forbids me from eating on some days. I have frequent panic attacks when I‘m outside trying to meet people.

adding to that, I dont have any friends. I try to meet ppl irl and I get a panic attack and just leave, that is super embarrassing. I also get bullied at school even tho I‘m a fucking adult idk how that keeps happening to me.

then i need to recover from being sa‘d multiple times, thats something I havent even told many people cuz I‘m actually kinda embarrassed of it all :// I hate that I am

I also need to recover from that year long friendship that ended cuz my friend has a disorder she cant control. I‘m so sad she left my life even tho she has been the girl that came at me with a knife once. I know her diagnosis and I know so much about her that makes me think there is so much more. I wish she was still my friend and I wish we could ever find a way to match again

I especially need to learn how to trust people, anyone nice to me I feel like is just there to backstab me, like when classmates outed me as jewish infront of my classe‘s neo nazi. I‘m always scared to post on the internet cuz I think people will know its me.

actual intrusive thoughts haunt me, not those „oh lemme throw my sandwich at him“ but holding a knife is so scary to me cuz what if I accidentally stab someone??? adding to that I have this thing that when my wrists and neck arent coverd I feel so anxious (??) I‘ve had this since elementary school, it‘s kinda the only thing i remember from my time then but, when I dont wear a watch or a turtleneck i have to cover my wrists and neck because i literally feel like I‘m about to die. (it‘s not a constant thing but definitely often)

i dont sh anymore or have any thoughts of wanting to die and that I‘m very proud of but those arent the only symptoms of any disorder. I‘ve only ever been diagnosed with adhd, (dyslexia and dyscalculia) and depression but I know there is way more, especially do I think that I have autism since my symptoms go beyond just adhd.

now on a happier note and talking about adhd, my friend thinks he has adhd aswell (no diagnosis but me with my knowledge can definitely tell) and he talks about not wanting to take meds or anything, not cuz he feels like they’re bad or anything but because he has found a work place where he can work just like that and doesnt need that help of meds, I kinda felt like sharing cuz I‘m proud of him :3 thats my goal in life, finding a job in which I can work without any sort of meds <3

this was a long ass talk that could also be put in a diary but eh I’m not buying one and notes app is reserved for actual important things (like school work and appointments) tumblr is my personal diary.

thinking about it, I should maybe buy a diary and also write in it in German so I dont loose my skills (dyslexia affects mostly German for some reason I’m pretty good at English writing)

so i talked wayyyyyy too much but idc, if you read it all which i doubt cuz no one is on my blog, lmk cuz ily🙏😔😍

[winter-spark]

I know self-diagnosis is valid and that as you learn more you're okay to be like oh I was wrong it's actually maybe this and whatever but I'm a bit of a coward, or well I still don't want to insert myself in spaces that I don't might not belong in and I've always hated the idea of talking about things without 100% certainty/information but uh my possible {self-}diagnosis is sorta leaking into my writing. Or at least I'm doing things in my writing then later hearing about/being reminded of things and sorta going :o so I'm gonna write about that below. Somewhat a vent post I suppose.

So... Uh I guess, besides explaining my potential diagnosis, there's currently gonna be three parts of this. My personal series Letting Go, my A3! writing, and my Buddyfight writing. And there's gonna be a lot of uncertainty here so I apologize if it at all wastes your time but here I go.

Me:

So... I might be autistic. This is something my sisters and I have been looking into for a minute tbh. Like a couple years at this point. We've taken a few different tests and started somewhat watching informational videos on autism and diagnoses and stuff, and like signs are pointing to yea probably. but like, idk. We were gonna put a pin in it until we could move but we unpinned because it wasn't helping to have it pinned. But yea, I might be autistic. Things I've looked into less that I might also have(?) ADHD, AFRID, mild dyslexia, but I've gotta do more research and it's not really about those but I thought I'd throw them out because idk some times holding things in for too long turns them to rot. But anyway, since I've been doing research on autism I was thinking maybe possibly whether I am or not my main character, Miles, is. He's from my series

Letting Go:

Now, Miles, I projected to some extent on when I wrote him but also he's very different from me but none the less there's few things that I had that could be signs of autism and I was wondering how to add more because I did want to sorta write him as an undiagnosed autistic. So in my writing before the research was my movie for my Screenwriting classes. Things about Miles, from the earlier drafts:

He is kinda sensitive to too many sounds, especially voices, at once (trait from me), (it increases when he's in a nervous/panicked state idk if that has to do with anything but I wanted to clarify that)

His, maybe, special interest is space, namely Pluto (and maybe baking)

(I had to sorta look back at this when editing/setting up for version like 4/5 which became a tv series but) he's not always great with picking up what others are putting down socially (version 1 he did not realize that another character was legitimately romantically into him, he didn't realize that, now one of his best friends, was worried about him,) like you do have to be a bit more direct with him (but not as much as Leilani but that's a different point completely)

So like, I was like maybe I should give him more traits? Like like this isn't in order and I can't remember everything but I was like okay, I, maybe, have a chewing stim, maybe I should give that to him too. (I need to double-check what his mannerisms are omg) And I say maybe have a chewing stim because I don't know if it has another name but I know that sometimes I just need to chew on something, but I've sorta conditioned myself out of it because my mom didn't appreciate me chewing on my pajama clothes and my personal stapler broke(yes I used to chew on staples). So like you know maybe that.

But also maybe I was thinking I would line his sorta panic attack with an autistic meltdown. See a big point in the story is when at a party he ends up sorta panicking and running away then he just sits by himself at like a bus stop which is where his grandma finds him, but like I wasn't sure how to do that because I was doing research and I wasn't sure how to quite make that so and if the things around it were right(I didn't do this research recently I'm sorry I'm super blanking). but I was watching this video earlier by I'm Autistic, Now What? called The 4 Types of Autistic Meltdowns, and one she mentioned was leaving/running away. Which as I mentioned he does. And I think maybe I was worried about build up/triggers but now I'm thinking more about that and maybe there is enough.

Ugh I don't want to "spoil" it but like, he's an introvert, he's a homebody(sorta), he's never had that many friends, so this was his first time going to a party with a group of friends, a group of friends that almost immediately split up, and he ends up stumbling back into one of them, but he's a little conscious about his crush flirting with someone else at the party, then his old bully is there and is harassing him and keeps mentioning Miles being a momma's boy and this is sorta more sensitive because his mom is in the hospital at the time(not a spoiler that's the (omg I'm a terrible film student what do you call the event that triggers the rest of the story, sets it in motion that's what that is)). He steps away for like to seconds to talk a breath but when he returns it is being revealed that his mom is in the hospital and [redacted because it was originally a surprise bit of info but now I just don't want to reveal this because it is still sorta a spoiler] which sends him over the edge where he borderline starts shouting and then just darts out.

And like maybe that works? I don't know. What I also don't know is if I should've even included my

A3! writing:

See, after one of the high points of my research on autism I was looking at a lot of Itaru content stuff and sorta was like is... is Itaru Autistic? Now I don't make it a point to write him as such but Itaru has become one of the characters I for some reason feel need to project onto. So when I write him I do give him me-adjacent traits and looking at some things I'm a bit like hmmm, am I maybe writing him autistic?

See-- oh shoot I should have mentioned this in the me category, okay so I might be demi-romantic, demisexual. I'm not 100% sure but with the research I've done I figure that's possibly why of the very few crushes I had it took a while for me to be like "oh! I have a crush on this person!" like literally one of them I didn't come to the conclusion until I was trying that wellness with Steven Universe/Rebecca Sugar thing and one of the days was just write what comes to your mind and as I was doing my best to do that(my mind goes very fast but I had to have complete thoughts) I got to a point where I was talking about one of my best friends and I was like "yea it'd be cool if we were still close in the future and maybe lived together and then we could go on runs together and cook together and cuddle on the couch watching movies together" literally visualizing this future together and then and I don't even remember if I considered a peck or not but I was like "oh shoot Do I have a crush on him?"

Now you're probably like, what's this gotta do with Itaru and autism? Well see in one of my CitoIta fics I gave him that trait of not quite catching on until he gets to a certain point "oh shoot, do I like him romantically, what?" so I figured I was just making him demi-romantic. (Which he still could be idk) but anyway. I saw this post a couple months back that said that not being able to quite tell if it's platonic or romantic can be a neurodivergent trait. So what if I gave it to him as like a subconscious neurodivergent, mayhaps autism, thing, idk if he's written as autistic in this story tho. I was actually initially thinking about in my Apartments au, where he basically starts scripting his interactions with his friendly neighbor (a sorta of "Okay, if we run into each other again I we have a conversation, I can ask this, and if he mentions this I can mention this" type thing. Oh tho he slightly does that in the first one I mentioned not to the same extent but he does prep how to say a line(wording and delivery) if asked what he's doing.

And speaking of characters I project onto let's hop over to

Future Card Buddyfight Fics:

So the closest I personally have ever been to "kin"-ing a character was Kiri Hyoryu, and I simply mean this in a "I related to him so hard" way like he was me foreal, okay, obviously lots of differences but point is I was able to see myself in him. Before they completely ruined him for me, that's an essay I've already written and will write again. but not this essay. So of course I wrote Buddyfight but mainly Team Disaster fanfiction(they aged with me in my writing lol). Some are actually posted too. but like in my most recent unfinished work, I was really feeling that need to project onto him. So I gave him a... something. It was similar to what I experienced but somewhat different. And as I continued writing, a character who happened to be there was like "I want to be able to help if it happens again, what sorta thing helps, can I ask if that a panic attack or an anxiety attack."(he was planning on doing additionally research on them as a whole) & I went ":0". And tried to research them and figure it out but like I couldn't. And going back to the video I was watching on the types of Autistic Meltdowns, I don't know but I kinda think that maybe he had an autistic meltdown?

But like here's the thing, how am I doing that? I not once considered Kiri as autistic. Just like a character that was as me as I was gonna get. He had a hard time making lasting friendships partly because he moved a lot, and latched onto his person(s) and just wanted to know he'd be remembered by those he cared about. Sure he was a bit whiny, I got why people thought he was annoying but it made him more like me, because I got why. I felt his pain. Even if none of it was real.

And I never really thought me and Itaru were all that alike but I feel the need to project onto him at times, and just like adjacently, like that long post about CitoIta playing Kingdom Hearts, I promise you a lot of Itaru's faves are different from my but also close enough, like Itaru being a Kingdom Hearts fan is because I'm a Kingdom Hearts fan, and he's a twewy fan too because I'm a twewy fan, like he's a gamer how can I not? But also he's nothing like me even in those regards. Like I know he's a freaking Shoka fan in terms of Neo and that he played the og twewy back when it first came out. And he's legit a gamer, I'm hardly one.

And of course my own oc, who doesn't project at least a little on their ocs. I don't have a point here on him tho. All in all I'm just like yeesh. What am I supposed to do with this?

I was gonna say I might have to accept that I really am probably autistic but I'm still nervous about trampling on other's space, interjecting myself where I don't be long that I realized something. Accidents do happen, yada yada if it's three times it's a pattern I've written lots of characters and stories so it'd have to be more than three four times... Five, more than five times, shoot I forgot Retsu's also a scripter(still Bfight character). But like yea, I'll probably start rereading my works to see if there's anything more in there that suggests that I maybe give autistic traits to characters I write and I know the less I project onto a character the less I can count it maybe? Idk, but like I just think that maybe I've over reacting idk. Time will tell I guess. I just don't want to be wrong you know?

This I know is nothing solid, I've been writing this for nearly three hours(I'm at work but it is a slow-ish day) without looking at any really research and just vaguely using my memory to make points so I might even more so be wrong idk, idk, idk.

[gymclassheroine]

the 5-year update

By some miracle, I remembered the password to this account to create a blog for my internship last year. It's bizarre seeing people still posting, but, like in a cool way. I really do miss the heyday of Tumblr. It's funny reading my old posts. I've always had a dramatic streak (would you expect anything less from a Leo moon) and I don't know if that's subsided with age. Though that girl is so far away, I still recognize her. And I forgive her. I just want to make past me proud.

Any who, here's some things that have happened since I last posted 5 years ago.

Got laid off from my fundraising job (thanks COVID).

Moves I made: SF -> South Bay/Silicon Valley -> Detroit -> Seattle -> Detroit.

Got my masters degree and became a librarian.

Started healing my relationship with my family.

Cultivated some friendships, lost a lot more friendships.

Dated quite a bit, then not.

Visited 15 states for the first time.

Navigated situational depression.

Saw a therapist, registered dietitian, and personal trainer, to heal my mental, physical, and emotional health.

Pursued an ADHD diagnosis (pending results).

Dove headfirst into astrology studies.

For some time, I thought I wanted to build roots back home in Detroit. But the longer I stay here, the less I'm sure that I want to call Detroit home for good. To be fair, I have only been back here for 6 months, most of which has been spent either working, taking care of my grandma, or sick. So I can't say I've given home a fair chance yet. But I'm also bored. I don't feel the same inspiration to live as I once did. That could be a result of COVID-19 lockdown burnout though. Maybe I just need another road trip or festival or book or drugs to reignite the spark inside of me.

For now, I just need to do my absolute best. Maybe things will fall into place from there. But, knowing my Scorpio stellium ass, nothing I gain comes without a good ol' life-altering transformation.

Until next time, xoxo,

O

[gingerhastoomanyobsessions]

the older generations make fun of millennials-Gen Z for being too eager to use labels but like. i know so many older people who would probably benefit from having a word to describe themselves who just refuse to use one because that’s what the youths are doing

my mom is on the ace spectrum. she’s realized this in the past few years. however she still doesn’t want to use the words because “there are probably lots of women who don’t”

one of my grandmas, in all likelihood, has a personality disorder. she sees a therapist and knows it. however she doesn’t want an on-paper diagnosis because “that’s for serious cases” and for people who “actually need it”. and young people.

my dad has adhd. he’s seen a therapist. he knows the criteria because he was there throughout my diagnosis process. however he doesn’t want to try medication, despite voicing the desire to be able to focus, because he thinks that it’s for kids and he’s old enough to “power through it”

i genuinely think a lot of gen X and boomers are so wary of our use of labels because they see themselves in it and don’t want to have to consider the possibility that they might be depriving themselves of help and community. the good ol protestant work ethic + toxic individualism combo pushes them to think that they don’t need any support because they’re not in crisis, not realizing that everyone needs support and community as a part of being human. they view labels, both for identity and for mental health, as a sign that you’re too far gone to be “normal”, so they’d rather stay unlabeled for as long as they can, thinking that ignoring their differences will make them go away. “you’re not x, you’re just different” isn’t just them trying to deny our problems, it’s also them denying their own