#and then i saw some ppl vague abt this post like

[ourflagmeansgayrights]

author's note to this post i guess!

i don't think izzy does this on purpose. yes i know the penultimate paragraph where i wrote abt izzy listening when ed said the "turn your enemies' worst fear against them" line kind of makes it sound like that's what i was trying to say here. but i don't actually think izzy was pulling strings like this because 1. izzy is not smart enough to plan ahead that far and 2. izzy doesn't realize how much ed cares about stede so he doesn't realize that stede dying is ed's worst fear.

this is post was not me saying that izzy has been masterminding getting ed into his "custody" from the very beginning of the show this was literally just me connecting lines of dialogue and narrative themes and parallels in a way that sounded pretty. ed's line about how fear = ownership has its greatest thematic relevance when it comes to izzy, who threatens ed when he's at his lowest and who wants nothing more than to own and be owned by blackbeard.

but that's only really on a meta level, when it comes to themes and shit. on a very basic story level, on a "how does this character think and feel" level, izzy's not consciously trying to own ed, and he's definitely not plotting how to get ed under his control from the very beginning. on a character level, all izzy's doing is scrambling wildly to try and get his boss to be who he wants him to be.

but like. thematically. you peel back literally just one layer of the text, and it's what @meanmisscharles said here:

Something something ownership and colonization of bodies and people happening parallel to that of colonizing land. The individual scale in contrast to the societal one, something.

ed telling ghost stories, saying, "turn your enemies' worst fear against them, you'll own them," as izzy glares down at him disapprovingly. ed talks about how he’s not able to feel fear, but what he’s saying is that blackbeard can't be owned.

lucius, smirking: "see? we dont own each other." izzy doesn't see. izzy doesn't understand. what's the point if you don't own each other? all izzy wants is to own and be owned, to possess something (someone) in his clenched fists and hold on until the bitter end. if izzy can’t be at the top (and he can’t, he’s no match for ed and he never will be), if he can’t be the most powerful man at sea, then at least he can dedicate his life to the man who is, and in turn he can own part of that man. at least izzy can have a piece of blackbeard, the part hidden behind the curtain, by being the only one to call him ed.

there are two times when edward, terrified, is standing on the sidelines as stede faces death: the duel with izzy, and the act of grace. and it’s no coincidence that and izzy is the catalyst of both these scenarios. first in challenging stede, setting the terms, and fully trying to kill stede by running him through, and then by going to the british to strike a deal. yes, his plan was to get ed out of there, but that doesn't matter, does it? izzy took the risk, izzy made the plans, and izzy is directly responsible for the result. and the result is that once again, ed watches in terror as stede almost dies.

(“fear is the most powerful emotion,” he’d said. he watches as four rifles take aim at a blindfolded man, and ed has never been so afraid in his life)

badminton says, "a friend of the crown has prevailed upon me to remand you to his custody.” his custody. his custody.

custody: immediate charge and control exercised by a person or an authority. there is custody as in care or guardianship (as if ed is a child who needs to be monitored, an insane shell of a man who can’t take care of himself, can't captain a ship), or there is custody as in imprisonment.

turn your enemies' worst fear against them, you'll own them.

izzy was listening when ed said that. izzy was watching ed share ghost stories with stede and his crew. owning your enemies by turning their fear against them is something he’s familiar with, something he’s seen ed do countless times.

but izzy doesn’t want to own his enemies. he wants to own blackbeard. he wants to own ed.

[peppermint-moss]

it's 'citrus unhinged knowledge' time (og meme templates)

my city of mist game has been on pause while all my friends n i are busy but! i still get to rotate our sillays in my head and draw them (aughhh let me have time to draw them goddamn finals season)

commission info || ko-fi (tip jar)

[hdmiports]

sometimes i feel like im genuinely losing it being active on simblr

[zemnarihah]

i rlly am gonna lose it one day on one of these fandom bloggers who put their shipping content in band tags WHY ARE YOU DOING THAT

[weaselbeaselpants]

The 'Quinton v Nebula'clique' drama

[[[ DO NOT BOTHER THE PEOPLE MENTIONED IN THIS POST]]]

I saw on Twitter that Quinton had filmed a response to one of his critics whom he had a more personable interaction with. After going through all the info laid out by non-biased, non Wikitubia sources that aren't gushing abt shit that doesn't matter, as well as I guess what we'll call the "opposing sides" here's what I can surmise:

A yt named FlowersGothic had some kind of parasocial interest in Quinton and really wanted to be his solo editor and more* irl

-> Quinton himself also has/had his own parasocial attachments to people, namely Lindsay Ellis and Sarah Zed, I think. I def remember how the two expressed publicly that they aren't into working with him after (I think???) he trauma dumped and was waaay to emotionally volatile when asking to be their friend, which naturally turned them away and creeped them out. Whether or not he was definitely creeping on either women is unclear but yeah I get why they were uncomfortable.

All parties involved here already know this, but it's not Lindsay and Sarah's responsibility for Quinton's validation or feelings of rejection. they don't have to be friends w him when they feel like he pushed their boundaries. I do feel like, frankly, a lot of these receipts are being presented as worse than they are by the 4chan/KiwiFarmers doing the digging...if Quinton's going to be called a creeper, it better be by the ppl he hurt and not randos who don't even like Sarah or Lindsay abt how they should feel...

-> Flowers took her job as editor waay too personally and also messaged Quinton drunk twice, on Halloween saying she wanted to be more than friends

-> Quinton said no. Like Ellis and Zed, he's not responsible for Flowers' feelings and validation, just her paycheck which he said did pay her fill on

-> Flowers did a 180 and said she now hated him, apparently blamed him for her emotional problems and state and started to compile a list of grievences she's had and spit that back at Quinton.

-> Flowers has been presenting these receipts as absolutes for awhile now

-> Quinton for the first time responds on his second channel to Flowers accusations; presenting his side and also saying Flowers' is using half-truths and sometimes straight up lying

-> Dan Olson and Lady Emily, friends of Lindsay and Sarah respectively have vague tweeted today very obviously abt Quinton. Don't know exactly what Olson said, but Emily def is implying that Quinton = bad

-> people are now wondering if Flowers is somewhat responsible the schism and that the 'Nebula Clique' is siding with her and other people's own biased thoughts against Quinton as fueled by their own less than positive circumstances with him.

It's sad. I haven't watched anything by Flowers. I think I would, actually, but these are some very heavy things she's accusing here and things she's being accused of. I don't actually know any of these people exactly, but none of them seem like liars -if anything I see Quinton as being a little bit waywaywaay too honest sometimes? Not understanding like Contrapoints, I guess, but you know- tmi?

As an outsider, this looks like a matter of a lot of hut feelings and neurodivergents' judging other neurodivergents' behavior based on their own bad experiences.

I hate calling the Nebula crowd a 'clique', tbh. As someone who is always on the outside of other friend groups and so know the feeling of jealousy and exclusivity, I think it's easy to just look as any gang of well-netted creators as a "clique" when they could very well just be protective of each other. Considering the bs Sarah and all the former TGWTG-folks had to deal with I get their apprehension of Quinton.

I also tho really get Quinton as someone dealing w similar issues as him, and I'd be heartbroken to find out he's lying or even just accusing someone else of lying.

Gosh I hope this blows over and gets resolved and doesn't reach the pos drama channels out there.

[awek-s]

well hi apparently the other half of the loveonewe admin team is still wasting time talking shit about me every chance they get and im so fucking over it so for anyone interested:

we fell out because i took issue with a mutual we had in common who shared posts talking about how it was ok not to post abt world issues and take care of your mental health halfway thru everyone talking abt palestine. then that mutual started sharing views about how 20+ year age gaps in relationships where you’re legally adults (the example was 20 years old and 40+ years old) is explicitly stated as not being predatory or a power play and ok.. while sprinkling in thirst posts about ppl 10+ years her juniors.

my friends and i were expressing discomfort w that mutual on twitter and had a conversation (as friends do) where we decided it was very weird and uncomfy and we didn’t want to associate with them. the person this post is about decided to take to tumblr to make vague posts about how much they wanna unfollow me and ultimately hit me up to say if i have an issue with this common mutual of ours, i can unfollow them too. we parted in what i thought was an amicable way.

i told my friends we parted as well because this mutual had told me it was because we (they and i) no longer share the same views on things. meanwhile, my friends and i do think that the things i mentioned above are creepy and real life issues that should be taken seriously. when i shared this info they actually told me the majority of them had already unfollowed or blocked this mutual of mine months ago because they found them annoying. lmao.

unfortunately this mutual decided to ? for some reason go through every single one of my friends and see if they had unfollowed them, and then started to write hateful tags about them on their blog when they saw they were unfollowed. as well as about me, because in their head that’s the only way anyone can ever take issue with them I guess. to my knowledge only one single friend of mine blocked them after they saw how they treated me after this entire thing happened. everyone else noped out a LONG time ago.

i ultimately blocked them because i felt v betrayed and disrespected but they apparently make posts about me like every few weeks and i guess the rumour mill never stops turning so here’s the real deal :) thanks.

[walkingaftermidnight07]

All I Need is You - Kit Herondale x Ty Blackthorn Oneshot

Hi my lovely humans! I'm back with another oneshot which is very overdue, considering I haven't done one in A WHILE.

This oneshot was inspired by this post thread from the lovely @tys-kitty (hi bestie <3) and the lovely @mayaheronthorn and @queenie-blackthorn and as soon as I saw this I was like. Yes. I have to write it. It's happening. So here I am ;)

word count is abt 1.3k and if you'd like to check out any more of my KitTy oneshots, here are the others!

Balcony oneshot

SOBH Reunion: Kit POV & Ty POV

And here's a KitTy playlist I made a couple months ago linked here

make sure to comment and reblog if you liked it so that more ppl can see it! likes are great too, but reblogging really helps get my content out there to more people and helps to support me (and i just really like reading y'all comments lol) and with that being said, let's get into it!

also i apologize in advance for the fact that i did not edit or revisit this before posting so its prob not the best it could be lol

enjoy!!!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-Ty-

Ty awoke to a sharp pain in his side.

For a second he panicked, blinking sleep out of his eyes as he tried to adjust to the pitch black around him. He was in the Institute, so there shouldn’t be anything trying to attack him, right?? And yet, he knew that wasn’t necessarily true. It had happened before, when he was only a child. He stuck his hand into his pocket and pulled out his witchlight, and it flared to life around him. And immediately, he relaxed again. There was nothing there, only Kit, who was sleeping next to him. He realized vaguely that Kit had elbowed him. 

He also realized they were far closer than they had been when they’d fallen asleep last night.

He didn’t really get the chance to dwell on it, however, because Kit made a noise in his sleep. A whimper. And he thrashed, his limbs splaying out as he did so.

So that was how Kit had managed to elbow him, Ty thought wryly. Then he frowned. 

Was Kit having a nightmare?

He was, wasn’t he?

Something inside Ty, some part of him that he had always tried to ignore, kicked into gear. He shifted over, sitting back on his knees next to Kit. And he grabbed Kit’s shoulders and shook him as gently as he could.

“Kit, wake up,” Ty whispered. “It’s just a dream. Wake up.”

Kit’s eyes flew open and he moved so quickly that Ty fell back, scrambling away to give Kit space. Kit’s breathing was too fast, and very loud. He sounded like he’d just run a mile, or just been in a fight. Ty wanted so badly to reach out and put his hand on Kit’s chest, and feel his heartbeat as his breathing slowed, to help him calm down. Livvy used to do that for him whenever he was overwhelmed.

“Ty….?” Kit whispered into the darkness. Ty realized he’d dropped his witchlight. He felt around in the dark until he found it again. Kit winced when the bright light shone into his eyes.

“Yes?” Ty responded. He warily moved closer. Kit flinched. He stopped moving. “Are you okay? Was it…did you have a nightmare?”

Kit took a shuddering breath and nodded, his breathing still rapid and uneven. Then he made a choked sound, and Ty realized he was crying.

Kit…crying? Ty’s stomach dropped and he felt his own throat tighten. Kit wasn’t supposed to cry. He…he was supposed to be strong, to be happy. Ty couldn’t stand it. He had to do something.

Almost impulsively he slid over to be next to Kit, so close that their legs were touching. Ty put one hand on Kit’s chest, feeling his heartbeat and took Kit’s hand with the other hand. 

“Breathe, Kit,” He said softly. He felt Kit’s heart skip a beat. It wasn’t slowing down. Why wasn’t it slowing down?

“I—I saw my father,” Kit murmured. “I saw him die. Those—those demons that killed him—And my mother was there. I somehow….I somehow knew how she’d died. I—” He broke off and choked out another sob. Ty squeezed his hand.

“Tell me what I can do to help you, Kit,” Ty said, because now he was scared. He had never been good at comforting people. What if he was only making things worse? “Tell me what you need. Please, Kit.”

“You,” Kit blurted out. “I just need you. Just…stay with me. Please.”

“Me?” Ty sputtered. “Are you sure?”

At that, Kit pulled back. He held Ty’s gaze, which made Ty’s cheeks flush bright pink. He usually couldn’t stand making eye contact with people, but with Kit, he liked it because it meant he could study Kit’s eyes. Kit had beautiful eyes. They were a beautiful blue, and he was constantly getting lost in them.

“I’ve always needed you, Tiberius,” Kit whispered. He put his other hand, the one that Ty wasn’t clinging to, over Ty’s hand on his chest. 

Ty’s heart started beating rapidly, not unlike Kit’s. He tightened his grip on Kit’s hand. “But then…why…” He swallowed, as his voice trailed off. He could hear his voice wavering. “Why did you leave?”

Kit opened his mouth. Then he closed it. He looked away from Ty, and Ty’s heart sank. He could see Kit starting to withdraw, to close himself off from Ty. Like he did that first time. Ty’s whole body ached as he remembered how hopeless and lost that had made him.

Not again, Kit, please. Ty thought to himself. I can’t lose you again. I love you.

“Kit, please,” Ty said aloud.

Kit hesitated. Then he sighed. “Because…I couldn’t be around you. It was too much.”

Ty flinched. Kit noticed and frowned. He squeezed Ty’s hand. Ty clung to Kit’s, afraid he was going to let go. But he didn’t.

“I was…angry. And sad…and embarrassed.” Kit admitted. He let go of Ty’s other hand on his chest to run his fingers through his hair. Ty noticed that Kit seemed kind of shaky. Almost like he was nervous.

“And I just felt like…you didn’t need me…so why was I even there?” Kit added, his voice slow and quiet, like he was forcing himself to say it aloud. “It felt like I needed you so much that I couldn’t breathe…and you didn’t even want me.”

Ty sucked in a breath. Kit…Kit thought he wasn’t wanted?? How was that possible?? Kit was incredible…how could he think he wasn’t wanted??

“Of course I wanted you,” Ty said, like it was obvious. “Kit, how could you think that??”

Kit let out a shaky laugh. “That’s…that’s not what I meant. I—”

“You told me you loved me,” Ty interrupted in a whisper, not unkindly. 

“Yeah,” The other boy whispered. “Yeah, I did. Er…”

“You don’t anymore?” Ty asked him. His lip quivered. He had thought—

“No! No, yes. Yes. Wait, no. I mean–” Kit stuttered, his face turning red. “I do. I still do.”

“You do?” Hope flared up in Ty’s chest. He felt the beginning of a rare smile appear on his face. 

Kit looked sheepish. “I never stopped, Ty. I love you, still. I tried to stop…I tried so hard, you have no idea…but you mean too much to me. It’s always been you, Tiberius Blackthorn.” Kit stared down at their interlaced hands.

Ty blinked, and found that his eyes had filled with tears. He hadn’t even noticed. He let them fall, because he needed to say what he wanted to say before he lost the nerve to. Or before he lost the chance. “I love you, Kit.”

Kit stared at him. “You do?”

“Yes,” Ty said. “I do. I love you. You have no idea how much. I’m not even sure I know how much. I just know that you’ve always been different from anyone else in my life. I always want to know what you’re thinking, I always want to hear your voice. You manage to make me laugh, to make me feel things I’ve never felt before. And you’re incredible, Kit. You really, truly are. I’m lucky to have known you, and I never want to lose you.”

Kit was silent. For a second, Ty was worried that Kit was upset with him, but then he smiled and Ty felt a warm, soft feeling go through him.

Both of them were crying by this point, but neither seemed to care. Ty pulled Kit towards him, putting his arm around Kit’s waist and holding him tightly. Kit’s shirt, which was a sky blue AC/DC shirt, was soft against Ty’s face. Kit’s arms went around him and he felt so, so happy, he couldn’t put it into words or coherent thoughts.

All Ty could think about was that he had Kit back, and he was never letting him go. Ever.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

thx for reading! :D

~ Scarlett

[tigerbears]

THANK YOU SM FOR THE TRANS UTDR VIDEO ESP THE SEAM MENTION BC IM SEAMS NUMBER ONE FIGHTER FOR MISGENDERING THEYRE MY FAVE DR CHARACTER I always feel like that one meme of the knight shielding the princess whenever I correct ppl on their pronouns and get to show off the clip of Mr Fox himself saying it lol, also speaking of tysm for pointing out the issue of him not addressing things— bc man I love the guy but sir Please start actually saying stuff bc this fanbase is too illiterate for you to just smile and wave when it comes to the characters identities,,, esp due to it being such a huge topic of discourse, buuuuut I also don’t blame him for the being overwhelmed part, like I said I agree with like every point you made you were so eloquent through out the whole video thank you sm just aaaaugh punches wall and jumps up and down <3

Completely off topic but I wanna rant abt something for a moment (hence why I’m now sending this w anon and not my blog) but the video reminded me of something that happened to my friend in which she made a post on her UTDR related ask blog which was really simple just a “hey don’t misgender Kris/frisk/chara on my blog” and that was basically it. That was the post. BUT. She had vaguely mentioned the glitchtale and Xtale aus in the tags just bc those came to mind first as big fandom things that misgendered the kids, and SPECIFICALLY she wrote she didn’t know as much abt xtale though and that it was just as I said from the top of her head. And wouldn’t you know! The creator of xtale saw the post and took it to fucking HEART. Like made this whole personal long ass rant in a rb over this simple “hey don’t be transphobic on my own personal blog” post. And then, and I’m not joking, EVERY SINGLE comment, tag, RB, you name it, was ALL harassing her or siding w Xtales creator, the only people defending her were her mutuals, and this was a small blog to boot— this wasn’t some big huge blog going after xtale specifically— it was a small blog making a post aimed at the follower circle just offhandedly mentioning it IN THE TAGS. so this explosion just took a massive toll on her and us. Thus any time I see that au or the creator i just get the most sour feeling like Man I Hate They’re Still So Popular Despite That Shit :(((( so the fact a similar situation happened (at least based on what you described in the vid) just made me remember that was all, just like a feeling of “wow we really haven’t changed at all in like two years have we. :/“

sorry I rambled for so long lol I just got reminded of that situation and wanted an excuse to get it off my chest, again as I said I absolutely loved the video and all the points made and I love the inclusion of swatch as someone who was there for the whole they/them to he/him event :3 and again as I said as a huge seam fan ty for including them bc they’re always overlooked in the NB conversation and I just love any mention of them lol,, my favorite elderly wizard kitty plush <33333

Glad people are enjoying the pronouns essay! I worked really hard with it and I'm glad to see it's at least correcting the narrative.

Though with the X-Tale thing, that's something I'll have to look in to and fact check because I prefer not to spread rumors without evidence. (Not saying it didn't happen; just with the whole "Legends of Localization" misinformation fiasco this fandom has a habit of making s--t up, and thus I want evidence, and while I appropriate your support a little annoyed that it has some X-Tale drama attached that I'm probably to tired to factcheck. Sucks if it's true though; Apologies for any snappiness I just woke up to the success of the pronouns essay and I'm about to go look at all the YT comments.)

I don't like drama and there's a reason the pronouns essay avoided throwing any stones directly at those "guilty."

[funkii-fox]

ohmygosh i know EXACTLY who ur talking abt on that post with the self shipping hater and like mlm and wlw is better. they get on my nerves SO BAD like ive known them since 2021 or 2022 methinks but i have them blocked cuz no way u can say all that. french people amiright/j

BAHAHA well idk if u actually do, but thank god someone knows my struggle. I cant believe half the shit i read from his texts and stories bruh. Like okay buddy 👁️👄👁️

I feel like after a certain point, if an overwhelming majority of ppl dislike u, even within ur own community, even among ur closest friends, thats when u fail. Thats when u do introspection. Theres always haters trying to drag u down, but this guy has so many ppl that rightfully dislikes him for every single controversy hes ever gotten into. How is everyone else on the Earth wrong and ur the only one thats right?

And this guy knows hes abt to lose me too. Once i made a kinda vent post tht said “demons in my head: leave them before they can leave you”. It was more like a self deprecating meme, and it abt two unrelated moots. But this guy was so insecure and thought it was abt him. And every time i put a vague negative thing on my status like “wtf is wrong w this guy” he always asks abt who the note was abt, probably bc he suspects it’s abt him. Idk tho. Now that i think abt it he could be asking bc hes into drama

See, this guy is so misogynist and “ugh women this” but he LOVES drama and gossip, just like women stereotypically do. He HATES tucutes “grr bruja ari this” but his main oc looks like a girl “hes androgynous” bffr. He hates on women that self ship w ocs but he makes ocs 😭 this guy is the most giant fucking hypocrite I’ve ever seen bro

Recently he got mad at a reel in his feed and put it on his story. This reel was abt someone saying theyre only into autistic ppl, and my first thought was “same ngl there’s something wrong w neurotypicals” but this guy’s first thought was “HURRR DURR STOP SEXUALIZING AUTISTICS” …the ENTIRE comment section was the op fighting for their life bc theyre autistic and for some reason everyone thought they were neurotypical. And that tells me that this guy saw the post and immediately got mad and posted it to his story. Not even looking into the comments to see if his judgment was right💀

I remember he used to flirting w me. He got the fucking hint by now, but it was sooooo annoying 😭 u can tell he was hoping so bad that i would reciprocate his sexual “jokes” and it was awkward asf when i wouldn’t. I wonder if he thought he was sexy to me bc hes French. Like he assumes the accent was enough to pull me 😭 even tho ive stated a lot (not necessarily to him but in general) that im not looking for any romantic or sexual relationship w anyone rn 💀 i think the worst prt is that i dont hate sexual jokes between friends, but if i send these funny sexual memes hes gonna think i want some. Like no thanks :|

[sceneself]

oops

..last year i reblogged this (ask game) and was sent asks but dont wanna individually answer them and ping ppl so ill answer under a cut here!

prompts were 1, 5, 9, & 15. shortened the questions since this is late af anyway

favourite season? [1]

tbh i condense third life + last life into one season (due to having really enjoyed martyns character, feeling skizzs 'arc' in s2 is characterized better with s1 in mind) - if i have to pick one: last life. its kinda my thing that i am attached to last life

favourite build? [5]

(ummm, just gonna list the ones i remember most.) i have a soft spot for dogwarts from 3rd life, since it was kinda the heavy hand pivot-into rp i saw first. the "snow fort" from last life, most specifically the "office." (don't get me started why i care about that damn thing.) the "relation ship" from double life was cute. "bad boy manor" and the associated bridge in limited. ahhh, its been a while but that weird saw-gauntlet-trap-thing tango made too. gd its been long.

looking forward to see red? [9]

yeah, since i'm replying so late my answer is always either cleo or etho since they can get chaotic. or, well, mumbo whenever he's around.

anything i thought was overlooked? [15]

i always chew on when people compare a partnership or alliance to bad relationship. there's sth fun in toxic dynamics like that to me (lol) what comes to mind is def the few offhanded jokes in last life.. sth abt the vagueness is easier to explore than the more hammed up roleplay. a chance for edginess? yes ploz.

u'd think there'd be more posts abt it since a lot of fans love watching ppl be psychologically tortured in the block game... maybe that's more of a different smps habit - anyways!

jimmy, being asked if he's being mistreated:

jimmy: (barely audible) no. (regular volume:) no, no, no. that’s not that conversation. cleo: do you need another place to stay? jimmy: no, no! i’m happy where i am. cleo: are they mistreating you? jimmy: no! no, i promise! i just need sugarcane. that’s all i need.

ren, also in last life, being told he's not in a good relationship:

ren: i'm not sure what i've gotten myself into with the shadow queen. grian: hold on, hold on. that's kind-of good, right? because if she didn't immediately turn on you it means that she cares. [pause] ren: right. either that or she's more than happy to take my resources. not sure which one. etho: (laugh) is she using you, ren? you gotta get outta that relationship. ren, that's not a good relationship. ren, grian: (laugh)

and scene.

..jk

i definitely want to get back into the swing of watching more often bcuz after typing this out im realizing my life series knowledge is prettyyyy rusty.. on the other hand i can def tell what some of the aspects keeps me interested! if ur reading this and have pov suggestions based off any of this feel free to shoot me an ask abt it ^_^

[gaypio]

my thoughts of what each jojolands character is VAGUELY based on.

Disclaimer to the ppl who get angry at these kinds of posts: I KNOW theyre all their own characters & i think of them as their own characters too. I dont see them as like “giorno, doppio, and hermes” and all. I hate dio, but i LOVE diego. The fact that hes slightly based on dio doesnt make me hate him 🤷 its more like he would be his better cousin LOL. thats how i (and most of us) feel about jodio and usagi too. theyre like giorno and diavolo’s cousins. its very fun to associate them to previously existing characters!

Anyways!:

Jodio = inspired by jolyne and giorno (obvious)

Dragona = partly inspired by hermes and mista

Paco = very slightly inspired by risotto, santana and abbacchio

Usagi = partly inspired by fugo, narancia and diavolo/doppio

my reasonings are:

(Dude i dont wanna explain jodio its so obvious…. There are many posts out there already explaining this.)

Dragona: mista: mother-like figure to their stand. ☠️ jobro to giorno (hermes also is a jobro to jolyne). Also that scene of jodio and dragona being silly together reminded me of trish and mista🥺

hermes: no not only bc of her locs 😭 bc of the “big bro” title as well. Ik its silly to base on hair style too, but jodio had a star braid at first (still has a bit of a braid) so i think its kinda intentional on araki’s part.

Paco: santana: bad dad, can manipulate skin, theres a better explanation abt this somewhere 😭

risotto: his design exposing his chest with an X & his foot (nearly) gets cut off lol. also similarish vibes? but hes more similar to abbacchio, trying to act tough, physically strongest of the group but lowkey a softie. Risotto isnt rlly a softie, at least not like abbacchio is.

abbacchio: hates on teens but then is secretly like 🥺🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 when theyre safe (usagi). And he was aggressive towards usagi in the beginning like was with giorno.

Usagi: narancia: sillay. Paco and Usagi’s dynamic is similar to abbacchio’s and narancia’s. Usagi is 17 and Jodio is 15, Dragona is 18. Just like nara, gio, and mista. ☝️🤓

fugo: similar hair to fugo, anddd BIGGEST NERD OF THE GROUP. thats it. i think usagi is more like narancia if he went to school tbh🥺

doppio/diavolo: stand based on king crimson, also super cute like doppio. also his pony tail reminds me of doppio’s braid (plus the fact that i loved him the moment i saw him (yes, even when he was known as just hotdog man i was like OMG HE LOOKS FUNNY AND CUTEEE I LOVE HIM HAHAH I HOPE HES A MAIN CHARACTER :D while everyone was hating on him. Im his fan since day 0!!!) & the rest of the whole part ive been adoring him. /platonically (if it wasnt obvious im a big fan of doppio)

Also, a lot of ppl who love those characters love the characters theyre based on too.

Of course, some ppl who dont like those past characters like the newer ones despite that, just like me with diego☠️

IK FOR SOME IM STRETCHING for SOME A LIL BUT IT MAKES SENSE OKAAAAYYYY

If u have any questions ask me lol.

[wigglesforonce]

thank u for the tag keeb @vroombeams <3

Who is your favorite driver? Toss up between George and Oscar, depending on the day, vibes, and how many posts from Mark or Rosie i have recently read

Do you have other favorite drivers? i am known to enjoy logan-posting, and i always cheer for yuki points!! ill also say alex and lewis are up there

Who is your least favorite driver? obvious question to anyone who asks me. verstappen #1 (im enough of a hater to not realise that mv00 was meant as an insult as his championship, and not just what ppl would write to avoid using his name), and i am a respectful hater for norris, i keep it to myself and a specific whatsapp chat w someone

Do you pull for drivers or do you like teams as well? i am more of a fan of drivers than teams, but i do appreciate the legacies and histories of the constructors on the grid, as well as the camradery of everyone on track! love watching teams celebrate wins/points etc together

If you like teams, what team do you pull for? i am a fan of the more historical side of f1, so i am nostalgic for williams (even tho i wasnt even watching and/or alive lmao), but i will say if i buy official team merch it'll probably be merc stuff

How long have you been into F1? i've always been vaguely aware of it, but i first rly learnt abt it mid 2021, and then the first race i watched live was COTA 2021 (rip why did i miss half the best season ever for like 0 reason)

What got you into F1? if we're being hyperspecific, the trailer for DTS that had grosjean's crash from Bahrain 2020 - i decided to watch Telly during a holiday in like. march, and was scrolling netflix and saw a massive explosion and went 'oh SICK', and accidentally watched all of that season of DTS in one day. i then spent the next like 2 months just watching youtube videos abt f1 and went 'no i cant be obsessed w cars going around in circles' and voila. we're here

Do you enjoy Fanfic/RPF? as with the way i enjoy any piece of media, i read fanfiction before actually consuming the source material, so to answer the question: yes (i've stopped reading it much nowadays, just a few stories ive been long time subbed to cough jeddah george cough)

How do you view new fans? love to chat w them, and figure out how much they know! (in a fun 'omg ur into my fav topic' kind of way, not a 'list every race winner since 1950' kind of way). i was a new fan rather recently, so i remind myself of that whenever i eyeroll at a bad take on twitter.

If you could take over as team principal for any team, who would it be and why? redbull and sabotage the Hell out of the team. also earn some nice cash at the same time.

Are your friends and family into F1 as well? it took me a year and a half of being into f1 to find out that not only did my mum used to watch f1 in the 80s/90s, that my grandfather used to watch f1 WITH her but my UNCLE on the OTHER side of the FAMILY has a SIGNED AUTOGRAPH from SENNA that was sent off like a week before he DIED. i thought i was ALONE in my enjoyment GENUINELY.

i also got many of my friends into f1, and have made new friends both irl and online through shared love of it, so u know. Skillz.

Are you open to talking to other fans/making friends? uh ALWAYS. as i just said, i have made many a friend this way, and its just fun to talk abt the sport w other ppl, esp when they have different opinions to u!!

anyways looong post and i shall tag (w/ no pressure): @toilethamster @russilton @ininininininstayoutstayout @georgierre @gayorphandepression :D

[mashiee]

Arlo family lore plspls its beneficial to my health

OKAY SO

so i got another ask specifically about [REDACTED] so im gonna talk abt that in a separate ask

BUT i will tell u abt my ocs for arlos fam (almost exclusively on his dads/valeries side, havent thought abt mom much) and general stuff for them and their relationships w eachother and arlo specifically

OKAY SO

i gave Arlo four older siblings because why the hell not and i can (i will get to the parents later)

also while im thinking abt it, im unsure abt Arlo's last name but im thinking Kingston right now

OKAY ANYWAY

also i just wanna say that when made character names i usually just smash sound together until i find something i like and hope it isnt a slur in another language

so what im saying is none of the names have any relevance or importance i just like their sounds and how they look

the first oc is Mammi (pronounced like ma'am-ee)

hes the oldest of the five of them, as of current uno time hes 25

he/him

amab cismasc

haven't decided sexuality. probably gay bc im gay and i self project too much

anyway he currently works with the authorities and is in a relatively high ranking position

but surprise surprise hes a spy for [ERROR]

(a secret organization :) also has a whole Thing that would require a separate post. a lot of new characters and also some world building. plus it also kind of plays into my bod au/rei fic)

but unfortunately the authorities are all fucking idiots and no one would even think of suspecting him

Valeire is the only one who does (she basically Knows) bc their father (her brother) was against a lot of the things the authorities did

but she has absolutely no proof so she cant do anything :)

fun fact Mammi and the entirety of Arlo's sibling except for Arlo himself all Loathe Valerie

2 of them want her dead

one would actively make an attempt on her life themselves if they ever saw her again

pst psst Mammi is the former

anyway Mammi is Tall (TM)

atm his height is fluctuating between 6'5 and 6'6 bc i cant choose

i just think itd be hysterical if Arlo's entire family on his dad's side were all giants

speaking of that let me take this time to tell you that Arlo is the youngest in his family aside from his mom and Valerie because i thought it'd be really funny

bc Mammi is in the authorities he often wears a suit and let me tell you this man looks fine as hell

not all men can work a suit but this one can

i still havent drawn any of the siblings except for a bit of the next one so my visuals of them are all p vague and could absolutely change but as of now

Mammi has long straight blond hair that roughly reaches his waist

its usually in a low ponytail

he has gold eyes :)

not sure what i want his ability to be yet (obviously a shield variant but what exactly) or how powerful

now for the lovely sister of the family

so the next one is Luss (pronounced how it's spelled)

shes 24 :)

she/her pronouns trans woman

6'4

lesbian

a model who travels quite a lot

long curly hair and gold eyes

always wearing red lipstick

a bit mischievous

her ability is... well its honestly kind of useless on its own

she can make shields that are full orbs but theyre only about the size of a fist

she did find out that they hurt if u throw them at ppl tho, esp if u put stuff in them

not sure what level yet. maybe a flat 6.0 . or maybe even like a 5.9 if i wanna get angsty and make like her family disappointed in her for not being a god tier or smth

very caring about her family

very forgiving person to a fault

strongly believes in second chances

Luss is the closest to Mammi

but she doesn't really feel like she has anyone close to her

(which ends up being a huge bonding point between her and Arlo)

tries her best to keep their family together but it's pretty futile

tries to be optimistic and cheerful and such but it's all an act

would do anything for her family, especially her siblings

sees herself a lot in Arlo for what little she's seen of him

and then we have the twins

as stated above, theyre twins

the older one is Sade, and Kallo is idk like two mins younger or smth

theyre both 21

Sade uses they/them pronouns and is nonbinary

Kallo uses he/they and like. he knows he's masculine but he isnt like a man or male

hes keeping his gender unlabeled but sometimes says its homeboy bc he thinks its funny

tbh im not sure what assigned gender at birth i want either of them to be so im just not gonna choose 🤷

both are 6'4 1/2 or sth

the twins are very separated from the rest of the family they want nothing to do w them

they both dont like Mammi

and hate Valerie

Sade wants her dead and if Kallo ever saw her again he'd lunge

they tolerate Luss and don't dislike her but it's not their favorite to be around her

they don't have any feelings towards Arlo

Sade is a fashion designer and occasionally works with Luss, occasionally

Kallo is a mechanic

originally i had him as a surfer dude but i decided not to

the twins live a long long way away from Wellston and the rest of the family and have no intention of ever going back

theyre both closest to eachother obviously

they both have a lot of trust issues (all of them do) and only really trust eachother

again not sure about abilities

might want Kallo to have some variation of his mom's rather than their dads tho, or maybe a combo of both

i think ill keep Sade w a shield variant

also dk abt sexuality 🤷

i feel like at least one of them would be aro or ace tho. maybe like one is aro and the other is ace lol

ok so now that im done w the siblings

mr dad man's name is Vickaius. hes Valerie's brother. not sure if i want him to be older or younger.

he has long yellow hair (usually up in a pony tail) and gold eyes

yes im terrible and am making him an attractive dilf you cant stop me i have no self control

if it makes u feel any better i'll probably make the mom a milf too

anyway

i kinda wanna give him a scar or two and/or an eyepatch

def a god tier. some type of shield ability. i think i want him to be like a 7.1

he/him or he/she not sure what i want

tbh probably bisexual but thinks he's straight for whatever reason

6'5-7 or smth

fun fact he's currently in jail :)

the moms name is Ariella and she has curly hair and blue eyes. im not sure if i want her to have blonde or brown hair

i dont have much to say abt her tbh. not bc i dont care abt her but like. in my arlo fam plot while she is relevant and important she isnt like. you dont need to know about her. if that makes sense

i do know that i want her to be exactly a whole foot shorter than Vickaius bc i think its hilarious

context for post: arlo hcs

other related stuff: [REDACTED]

[alycosworld]

I posted 139 times in 2022

That's 38 more posts than 2021!

79 posts created (57%)

60 posts reblogged (43%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@cipheress-to-k-pop

@teeeentitaaans

@rubinocore

@markired

@incorrectbatfam

I tagged 109 of my posts in 2022

Only 22% of my posts had no tags

#aly.rants - 69 posts

#dc's legends of tomorrow - 29 posts

#legends of tomorrow - 28 posts

#john constantine - 12 posts

#matt ryan - 11 posts

#sara lance - 7 posts

#in space with markiplier - 7 posts

#markiplier - 7 posts

#ava sharpe - 6 posts

#the clone dilemma - 6 posts

Longest Tag: 110 characters

#watch it pick back up again for a fleeting moment and then i'll leave you all stranded with absolutely nothing

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

bethic twinstinct doesn't feel like an episode. it feels like i had a very shameful and strange dream and now im awake and do not know how to go about my day without thinking about it or letting it affect me.

151 notes - Posted September 19, 2022

#4

MANDO 🥺🥺 HES SO CUTE

See the full post

157 notes - Posted March 3, 2022

#3

i saw yr post abt the request thing so im gonna request^^

how abt venti with a s/o that i introverted and hates alcohol??? im not a big fan of alcohol and drunk ppl really scare me lol so id like to see how that would work out! i also have a social battery and when i do run out of that social battery and get really irritable and frustrated so how would he deal with that? take yr time and get rest <3

🧸/💮 anon~

(did u know iphone added new heart emojis0.0)

Venti with an Introverted S/O

A/N: in the process of momentarily reviving the blog as I said earlier, so here's the first post to mark that.

also, if you understand/like the phoenix wright reference then ily &lt;3

thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy!

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okay so, he's not gonna stop drinking for you. dude's an alcoholic, through and through.

and, he doesn't want to leave you alone because he loves you and he likes having you with him.

but...he realises that you don't like the atmosphere of the rowdier bars he frequents, or even the nice bars late into the night.

people shouting and making unnecessary comments, loud, horribly-sung music, all the drunkards crowding together and closing in around you.

it's terrifying and Venti's used to it, but you aren't and he understands.

you can stand him being drunk alone, because he's just dumb, funny and flirty - which, honestly, isn't much different from regular Venti.

so, what exactly does he do to help you out?

solution one: drink at home, sing his own songs, and recreate the atmosphere of a bar with just you. He doesn't care much for the patrons either - they're fun to be with, but he much prefers you.

solution two: take you two a calmer bar like Angel's Share (usually while Diluc's around so he can keep everyone in check) and defend you like Phoenix Wright.

as for your social battery, Venti just knows when you're running low. No matter what he had planned, no matter who else wants to see either of you, as soon as you get a little bit irritated, he's ushering you home.

he can't cook anything fancy, but he lives off bar food and he'll pick up something or haphazardly make something for you. Sure, it isn't elegant or well presented, but it fills you up, calms you down, helps you relax and tastes pretty damn good.

he'll cuddle with you, sing you an impromptu tune, tell you a good story, or just let you sleep while he takes care of everything else. If you need to get away from people, Venti will know and he'll handle it perfectly.

he'll stop whatever he's doing and immediately remove you from a social situation with some vague excuse:

"Well, I-- oh! Look at the time! Y'know, I think my darling lover and I should get going right about now, huh? Buh-bye, now!"

and he'll let you do whatever you want straight after, whether it be flee the scene like a villain or collapse on the street from tiredness.

"Oh? Have you had enough for today, my love? I agree, let's get you home and I'll take care of the rest."

"Don't worry about them, dove. All that's important is that we get out of here. No matter the situation, I'll handle it. You just rest. I love you."

161 notes - Posted April 14, 2022

#2

guys mark confirmed that yancy, as lore, has magical tattoos that change according to the universes changing around him. omg. y'all.

189 notes - Posted May 11, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Sweetheart

John Constantine X Reader

NEW A/N: so! It's finally here, the finished version of "TITLE" that I accidentally posted all that time ago (and decided to leave up for the memories). I've left in all the old stuff, no changes to the original text, I just added to it so it's a complete story. I've even left in the old A/N for nostalgia ykwim. aNYWAYS, HAVE FUN!

OLD A/N: 100 followers is coming up but I have nothing for y'all so take the product of my latest obsession: john mf constantine - resident demonologist, exorcist, master of the dark arts, accomplished warlock and outrageously attractive brit. I love him, you love him, so let's give our soulless boy a round of applause! thanks for reading, please enjoy &lt;3

warnings: a lil spicy, slight choking??, talk of sex, inexperienced reader, reader is called pretty, love, sweetheart (idk if these are considered gendered words but I dont think they are??), gender-neutral reader

┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈❀┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈┈

(takes place in s4, Séance and Sensibility with the old Zari (Tomaz))

Kamadeva, now locked in the brig of the Waverider, poured some of the glittery ashes of his vial into his hand, blowing them through the air vents and to reach all the other rooms and Legends aboard in the night.

...

"Now, what are you doing, dreaming about me, love?" John asked. His trench coat had been removed and his sleeves had been rolled up to his elbows as he sat on the edge of your bed.

"The fugitive must've done something. It's fine, y'know, can't two friends hang out in a dream?" You chuckled nervously, sitting on a beanbag on the ground, crossing your legs and trying to act perfectly normal, although you knew that Kamadeva's magic wasn't for friends and John had special abilities when it came to dreams - he knew you were dreaming then and when you woke up, he'd know you'd been dreaming about him.

"Friends...that's not how I'd describe you and me. The way you act around me...it's not typical for friends, is it, sweetheart?" John asked with an undeniably attractive grin on his face.

"Don't call me that." You said, unable to stop heat from rising to your cheeks as John tilted his head to the side.

"And why not? I do it all the time. Or is it suddenly becoming less...friendly?" John asked before you felt your body stand up and walk to him. You definitely wanted to be near to him but, unaware of how much John would know about this dream when you woke up, you had to try and resist having fun. You came to stand just in front of him but he pulled you closer still, holding you by the waist as he guided you to straddle his lap.

"John..." You started, feeling your heart race as John leaned in towards you, pressing a kiss from your jaw to your neck to your collarbone and then pulling away to look at your flushed face as you gasped and breathed heavily, chest heaving up and down for John to marvel at.

"Pretty..." He mumbled with a dazed smile on his face.

"What?" You asked, not believing his words despite the whole situation being a fantasy.

"I said, pretty. Prettiest "friend" I've ever had the pleasure of knowing." John said, making you smile and look away from him. John seemed to realise the effect of his words and how you partially didn't believe them.

"I mean it, love," John said, snaking a hand behind your head to cradle the back of your neck, but when he watched you shudder and flinch slightly as his hand touched the skin, he grinned wickedly.

"Oh?" He asked, testing his theory of sensitivity by ghosting his fingers along your neck again and watching as you fell apart.

"John, I--" You managed meekly, but he only chuckled deeply before coiling one hand around your neck and tightening his grip ever so slightly as the other palm rested on your thigh.

"And how do you enjoy that, love?" He asked, watching your breath hitch but noticing your blatant satisfaction. John squeezed a little harder before letting go completely and smiling charmingly at you before leaning in and pulling your head down gently so your lips could meet his.

...

Unfortunately, just before the kiss you had dreamed about would occur so vividly in your mind, you woke up, panting heavily and in desperate need of a cool down.

You walked into the kitchen where the girls were, in just your pajamas, hair a mess and heart racing.

"The fugitive get to you too?" Sara asked, a smile on her face as Charlie beamed brightly.

"Yeah." You nodded as Sara handed you a glass of cold water.

"Well, personally, I really enjoyed my night. Blowing David Bowie's mind." Charlie grinned as Sara chuckled and Zari rolled her eyes with a smile.

"Who'd you get a leg over, Z? Wait, lemme guess, Nate? No, Kamadeva?" Zari stayed silent but raised her eyebrows making you and Sara look at her incredulously.

"Both?" You and she asked.

See the full post

331 notes - Posted February 7, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[lord-luck]

so i saw this post

(im making a separate post bcs i don't want to make op subject to rambles abt my ocs)

and it got me thinking

Felix wouldn't be morally opposed to the use of love potions. However my guy is aromantic and i do not think he would want to make anyone fall in love with him. if it was for con purposes i don't think he'd need a love potion. but if a situation arose where it was absolutely needed for con purposes (before his redemption arc) he Would give someone a love potion.

HOWEVER however, the 5th option..... it's giving me brain worms... specifically of the aro flavour of.... perceiving someone is in love with you and you like them and you feel vaguely bad for not loving them the way they love you......... what im saying is that there is a non zero possibility Felix would give Himself the love potion if the situationship got complicated enough. In canon they have their shit together remarkably well considering what is going on but if he did like 1% less introspection or had 3% less confidence he would.

Which brings me to the next part of this disaster: Edward. He would be morally opposed to using love potions. Or rather, he wouldn't in theory, going as far as to discuss using them for con purposes with Felix, but if he actually used a love potion for Serious purposes (read: on Erik) he would Regret it about 10 seconds later and would enter a constant loop of agonising over finally having what he wanted for so long but it's not actually real so did he really get it? In reality I don't think there's much chance of him actually using a love potion because he's not that kind of obsessed but it would be a funny (read: soo so devastating) angst setup.

However, he could try to use a love potion on Felix for manipulation purposes specifically which like, i would respect him, it would be a good plan. Might've actually prevented some of the problems that happen in the story. He would still hate himself after about two weeks when he discovers he actually likes Felix. rip edward he has been cursed to always regret. unrelated but he would absolutely slay in a time travel fix-it

He wouldn't knowingly drink a love potion ever under any circumstances he values his sense of self too much

Erik wouldn't use a love potion. They are banned in his kingdom. Why does he hang out with ppl who would use love potions. He would discuss using love potions as a thought experiment. He would turn the other way.

He might willingly drink a love potion someone else gives him. What would it be like? Why shouldn't he? All Some of this would be so much simpler...

Niki wouldn't use a love potion but I'm pretty sure she's the one smuggling them, or at least the ingredients, for Felix so like.... she's not opposed on principle but it's not something she ever considered needing nor wanting to use herself.

She wouldn't knowingly drink a love potion for similar reasons as Edward

Vanessa would use love potions if they had limited effects / were temporary. Maybe even something like a weak love potion perfume. Do you see my vision. People are always a little bit in love with her when they see her but later they can't remember why. They mostly conclude she's just That Beautiful. It's incredibly useful for information gathering. And getting places. Nobody tell Felix he'd try to steal the perfume (she makes it herself).

For the serious intended use however... I think she could. Just purely on her personality, in a situation where she really wanted someone and saw no other way.... she would use a love potion and she would feel a little bad about it for like a week before concluding that love doesn't make sense anyway so this is basically just helping the natural processes a bit. Anyone can fall in love with enough time spent together if they want, she simply sped things along a bit.

Most of this is mitigated by being childhood friends with Erik fortunately for everyone. I think Vanessa without Erik's influence might've been slightly worse than Felix just because of their background difference. Evil Vanessa au when?

She would drink a (temporary) love potion on purpose just so she would know how it feels

[lettucedloophole]

cw vague discussion of sexual stuff and Tmi stuff about transition (Transgener) and also just me journalling my feelings

this is gonna sound Crazy but i think porn (and cishet boys making porn noises. do not miss when that was peak humour) made me dysphoric about the way i moan 😭

i get a little distressed worrying about if my reasons for transition are disproportionately sexual or overly related to misogyny, but it would make sense that they would be sexual because Thats the site of Misogyny, and ultimately i do think misogyny caused some of my dysphoria, if not most of it, though i can't say all because i think in a genderless society it would be quite natural to alter your body-- going on hormones or getting surgery would be like getting a piercing or tattoo, but hopefully without the prior distress of the Imposition of Gender and yknow. Patriarchal Discrimination.

i'm pretty certain i would be happy living with the effects of hormones day to day (except balding. will go Livid if that happens tho i mean... i like shaving my head a lot and odd haircuts so it probs wouldnt be a big deal but i want the option of growing it out to remain) but im not sure if i can say the same about bottom surgery. it seems like other trans ppl are so sure 😭 and i mean it's not like it'd be feasible for me to get it for a long time anyway but i might as well think about it in the mean time... i'm kind of ambivalent abt my vagina. but i wonder if i could be happier with something else? but i don't want to Not have a vagina in Case though (i dont think i can do anal. not willing to prep that much 💀)

so i always thought if i would get bottom surgery i'd go for a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty but i saw a pretty good meta result some days ago that's making me reconsider. and then it makes me think like, what do i want a dick for? it seems kind of.. troublesome to have an organ between ur legs. i think i'm focused a lot on ejaculation (oh yeah this post is def getting a cw) but that's not something i can do with a vaginal-preserving phalloplasty, i think. and then there's the question of clit burial and i naturally lean towards not burying it but i think i would prefer to bury it if i was sure .. and idk the complication rate cos if i lose sensation (i'm fine with doing a forearm graft) i would Lose my Mcfucking mind. i think maybe. and it's scary since there's a lot of surgeons out there who just seem to want to hurt trans people. but i'm fat anyway so i would probably not even be accepted for surgery lol 😭

so it's probably never even going to be possible for me. i take comfort in the idea that i can pack and bind and sort of. try b4 u buy. yk 🫡👍 tho im not getting top surg bc i dont wanna and i feel like i have some body acceptance to do in regards to my boobs. im rly ,, ashamed of them bc i have lots of acne scars and other scabs (caused by me. picking at my skin. either scrapes or acne lmao) and i think i would be happy with them and a lot more of my body if i could stop picking at shit and have those scars clear up. its acc so isolating to have this issue so shoutout to the one lady i followed on twt who posted a proud boob pic with some boob scars or acne (or as i call it boob-ne. like back-ne but it doesn't rhyme but it sounds funny) or smth. that made me feel less alone and not ugly 🙏

i have a lot of scars on my shoulders (Prime skin picking real estate) and the center of my chest but i still wear clothes that. show those areas sometimes and i wonder if ppl think im brave. bc i'm not i just try not to think about it after the clothes are on and i'm outside of my room Doin Stuff . same with the cutting scars on my arm but mostly my thighs. no one has ever really brought up my picking or self harm scars save for the first time my dad saw my self harm scars (that was a doozy) and this one time my dad's friend looked at my facial acne and gave me a recommendation for some product (i know she meant well but. girl 🙃) and i am so fucking thankful for ppls silence. like please just let me exist

i saw one of my childhood friends recently and Embarassingly enough i had a Mental Illness moment in front of her and i kind of wanted to, to shatter the illusion that i was the same as i was as a child because i feel so different that it feels like a lie, and i feel like i need to show the real me to people so they can decide to hate me if they want to. but i also kind of didn't want to but it would be difficult for me to cry and then collect myself in public 😭 and she comforted me but didn't make a big deal about it and maybe that helped more. idk i and probably others put a lot of emphasis on mental health but it's kind of nice to feel like... normal.. and move on. my mom kind of smothers me about my mental health and it's something i appreciate technically but maybe not in practice. idk if it's trauma but maybe i just don't appreciate physical comfort as much as i thought i did, or emotional worrying over ppl. it's just confusing bc i thought i desired these things a lot but i think it was just that the complete absence of them from my life affected me negatively, and i wanted Some Amount of it but not like A Lot. it seemed like i wanted a lot because of how much i was yearning for it but i don't think so lol 😭

it kind of follows that pattern of my mom being Too much and my dad being too little (Borderline neglectful but emotionally lmao 😭) so i guess it makes sense why my desires don't align with what i actually want. i suppose i need to Experience more to figure it out.

i also keep having Bisexual Panik that im turning straighter or am going to date a cis guy because i feel like i place a lot of emphasis on my attraction to guys. in my Mind. but i think i just note when i'm attracted to guys more bc im much more often attracted to women . and it would be difficult to keep track of all the attractive women 😭 i worry sometimes that ppl are gonna see this and be like "oh this bihet's gonna end up with a man" but what i worry about even more than that is they might be right.. but i hope not. i dony want date cishet man <3

ive reached the point in my college class now where ive Given up on voluntary reading. technically it's not voluntary but if we're not doing a class activity with it or discussing it in class its voluntary to me lmfao 💀 i struggled quite a bit with my lastest assignment, though i did get it done on time, which makes me worry that I won't be able to handle two classes. i really worry that i'm never going to be mentally stable enough to hack it. i don't think mental health meds can fix that for me as the only ones i have left to try (or the ones my psych thinks i should try, anyway) are antipsychotics and i keep having fucking insurance issues with them and they're charging me a bajillion fucking dollars so at that rate i'm never going to try them lmfao. so then i should maybe try getting tested for adhd again or autism.. but getting dxed with autism would do Nothing and just cost money. but if i did have adhd and needed medication and that made me function better, that would help! but i also worry that i have no observable condition and am just simply unable to exist in the capitalist hellscape climate by virtue of being the me... that would be the worst. but i worry that's what it is lol 😭 ah i should schedule an adhd test before i change my mind