#and then i explained my moms friend made it for me
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shout out to the employee at costco who complimented my soda tab earring and when they saw i was visibly excited asked me questions about it. i may not know you but i love you
#they asked what soda it was and i said bubly. because thats the only soda i like (its not even soda its just sparkling water)#and then i explained my moms friend made it for me#and then they asked what flavor it was and i said my favorite flavors were blackberry and raspberry (because they are). i have one earring o#-f each of those but today i was wearing the blackberry one#why dont more people ask me about my earrings. anywah thank you to costco guy. if you see this coscto guy i love you#jamie talks#<- had to invent a tag bc i think this is my first time making an actual post lmao
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Seraphina’s Nightmare
A dream sequence looking at Seraphina’s headspace after the season 1 finale.
There is no audio, it’s not broken.
I made this for a project in my film class because I simply couldn’t think about anything other than UnOrdinary. It was going to be about twice this length but I ran out of time before my deadline.
#unordinary#seraphina unordinary#My project was the best in the class#everyone else just had a slideshow#except for one guy who wrote an essay#i mean#i had a slideshow too#but this was on the second slide so yk#first slide is just a title slide that I doodled flowers on#I had that slide up while I was presenting because my class needed some context#basically: “This is Seraphina and she just found out her best friend John was lying to her about something major.”#Then the rest of the slides were just explaining choices I made and why.#But there was no text at all#just pictures#the explaining is done by me out loud#No point in putting text on a slide when I’m gonna go up and speak#I just need pictures to point at#This was animated at 5 fps lolol#but most frames are held for way longer#I sent it to my mom and she was very shocked to find out that Sera’s hair extensions aren’t her real hair#like gurl you read the series how did you not know this#animation#Drawing in my diary again
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some men are textbook villains fr
#tw religion?#kinda need to rant.. kinda wanna explain what's going on#some ppl are part of humanity but don't know how to be humane... like the guy i started talking to almost 2 weeks ago#liked him a lot bc he was funny sickeningly sweet mature and understanding.. until he was not#tl dr version is that we somehow drifted to the topic religion and i told him im not too religious and don't believe in superstition much#i was extremely respectful and even when he said that he does believe a lot i was like 'thats cool!! different people believe in different#things!!' and at first it was a normal convo until man went all psycho on me (after one damn week!!!) and started talking about how#id have to be religious in a relationship with him.. my dude i barely know your fav food can we not talk about relationships yet#but he says he doesn't even need a woman who cooks/cleans just someone who believes.. n im like i get it but i can't change myself like that#and then guy moves to marriage and is all 'well my entire family is religious' n my mom and sister (who's 16) would be putting pressure on#you n force you to pray etc.. and I'm like???? who can force anyone to a thing like that are u kidding#things escalate and my absolute STUPID ass tells him about my deepest fkn trauma to explain what made me abandon religion bc#life just never got better and this trauma remained for yrs... and he gets so angry that he says he wants to stop talking to me just to spam#me all day next day.. he'd keep messaging me switching between 'i still want you we shouldn't throw this away i have feelings for you'#AFTER A WEEEEEEKKKK!!! and then goes back to 'i wasted my time with you you were so unnecessary im in a bad mood bc of you'#even said 'you'll never find a guy with a trauma and mindset like this. i will find a religious girl but no one will love you like that'#and the worst thing is that he told his friends and mom about the trauma i had just to spite me.. note that he promised to never tell anyone#(and then still asked for forgiveness and for me to rethink whether we want to end this after telling me 473626x he wanted to end it)#(nothing even ever started you bitchass)#also note that his mom knows my mom n basically most of my relatives.. so i was here trembling for days fearing they'd get to know about it#mom somehow convinced her to not tell anyone bc it's important to me and very very fucking personal..#but he harassed me all day - i wouldn't answer and he'd send 55 messages.. multiple missed calls like dude i got so fkn scared#my heart jumped whenever he texted he was so fkn aggressive and SO MEAN#'you just needed to adjust and we would've been okay' 'tell me are u gonna fkn be religious or not????' 'you ruined everything' kinda mean#i just :') it was the worst time and i don't think i've ever seen someone degrade me so much or make me feel this defective#but.. it's finally over. his mom called my mom and mine was like pls teach him some manners.. n since i couldn't and wouldn't text him back#and literally avoided whatsapp bc of him she ended it all for me and now it's hopefully done forever#anyway i saw jks gcf performance yday n him singing still with you put a genuine smile on my face.. ill stick to THAT boyfriend honestly lol#def gonna delete later#but ty for reading if u did <3
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not to be a milennial but harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban really is that bitch....
#mom wanted to rewatch the movies so we've been going thru them <3#talk about a movie thats just like. grief. i turn into the jamie lee curtis halloween trauma supercut#SORRY..... the visuals are peak like that IS the hp vibe to ME and i am BLOWN AWAY this movie was made in 2004 it feels ahead of its time#the first two are so whimsical and magical enrapturing and this movie is like. a well worn cardigan. this feels 2011 cozycore to me#sorry but the introduction of lupin becoming a comforting trusted guardian type of figure AND the dementors representing hollow depression#this 13 yr old whos been kept in the dark on so many things being extra vulnerable prey to them bc of the severe trauma#but getting lessons on how to withstand that creeping dread.. through happy memories... still bonding w lupin increasngly ouagh...#the grief between them both over james and lily. also btw ofc defense against the dark arts being fighting yr fears through laughter. aaaaaa#and then sirius. black. im. i know we meme on the twelve years of it! in azkaban! but as a bitch whos now closer to those characters in age#and can appreciate and understand them obv more than i could when i was. a tween. that just hits like ok shit. VALID#so valid and real to see the child of your friends you knew at that age but who DIED and then see the friend who betrayed them#to see like the best of BOTH of them mirrored and living on in him and be like yknow what???? you WILL be protected frm that same fate#hoooo the briefest moment where harry might hope things will turn out okay. w sirius' name being cleared and peter having to explain himself#and sirius being like hey i get it if you want to stay w your family that is fine but. if you wanna move in w me...#(harry relaying this to hermione later as well. dreaming of a place fr just the two of them somewhere in the countryside#somewhere..... sirius might see the sky..... bc he thinks he would like that after all those years locked up do not even touch me rn.......)#only fr everything to turn to shit two friends fighting w deadly force. the chance to set this right slipping off into the night.#a million dementors descending relentlessly until utter exhaustion and certain death. some strange salvation? fight for a second chance?#but then still havign to say goodbye when they only just GOT this. and everything still being so. god. and lupin having to leave as well.#the thought of sirius also WANTING that guardian type connection but being forced to live in 1. a cave barely living more freely than before#2. then being confined to the stuffy somber abusive home he ran away from as a teen w that portrait still up there and everything.. bitch...#oh man the way i KNOW when we get to ootp (my favourite) its gonna leave me blasted into a million little pieces#the way i know shit like the knowing wink the entirety of the wall tapestry room scene and of course nice one james is gonna DESTROY me..#dont even talk to me abt that dark turn at the end of gof and how everything after gets soooo. god. w everything just getting destroyed and.#i cant even think abt it i cant even talk about it. wah#i dont care btw that they aged those guys up undermining how insanely young these people died. perfect casting fr the remaining marauders ok
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I fucking hate being traumatized because why am I bawling the hardest I've bawled in god-knows-how-long because someone I didn't even like that much berated Me. gasping wailing trembling and snotting over this for several minutes.
#personal#sanism#abuse mention#child abuse mention#I'm still not entirely done crying really. I'm just trying to stop and calm Myself. not doing well at the moment#because someone on the discord server mentioned trump's inauguration and I basically said 'I don't like trump either#but it's still important to keep pushing for change. who's in office doesn't change that' and he just. immediately escalated the situation#accused Me of not caring about oppression. I explained Myself further but he told Me to go fuck Myself and capped it off with#'you already admitted to being a fucking narcissist so why would i want to be around you' (exact quote BTW)#and I just can't stop sobbing. I don't know if I've cried this much since I was 13. I keep having to pause My typing because I start crying#I didn't hate him but I wasn't attached to him either. it's just that I have so much fucking trauma along these lines#so many instances of My mom putting words in My mouth. getting short-tempered with Me over benign remarks that I didn't understand#because I'm autistic. dismissing My opinions. making Me hide My feelings and issues from her#because she's made it clear that she doesn't trust people like Me#it's made Me have so much trouble handling even friendly social interaction. I've only just learned how to do that#I just can't handle having that same mistreatment forced onto Me by anyone else. especially with so little warning or build-up#and what makes Me break down even worse is the fact that I know I'll have to deal with him again#he wasn't even punished while this was happening. despite the server owner and other mod being online. the owner just said 'stressful day'#and the other mod started talking with a regular user about how it was uncalled for once he had already left the conversation#nobody even checked in on Me. even though I stayed online for a good half-an-hour afterwards. I only just logged off a few minutes ago#because the notifications from unrelated conversations started overstimulating Me#regardless. I don't even want to see him again. I don't want to be in the same server as him I don't want to talk to him I don't want to#but it's not a real formal server. it's a 'friend group.' and they've shown before that they prioritize keeping the peace#over actually punishing hostility. just a week or so ago I told them I wasn't comfortable with them using the R-slur#and someone freaked out over My complaint being 'politically correct' and left. he was brought back just a few days later. and before that#he had already derailed a previous discussion I tried to have about the word by sending gifs featuring it and redirecting the conversation#that sucked but at least it wasn't outright triggering. but I just can't stand the thought of having to be around someone#who treated Me so much like how My abuser has. that's the most I've ever had to relive My trauma because of someone else#that's the most anyone has ever mirrored it to Me. I just can't stand it but I know I'll have to be around him#I don't even know if he's gonna apologize. he's made it clear how little he thinks of Me as a human being. PLUS
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I am so fucking sick of living with my roommate and his fuck ass boyfriend. Also watching my roommate burn every single one of his (already rather minimal, I might add) bridges for this guy is also kind of painful but also his relationship with me is one of said bridges so I'm almost past the point of even feeling bad for him lmao
#i have had to piss for probably the better part of an hour now#because they decided to take a shower together and have been in there for well OVER an hour now#and this is a nightly occurence atp sometimes MULTIPLE times a day#we have one bathroom.... can yall not be considerate enough to not be in there for up to TWO HOURS AT A TIME???#also it's such a waste of fucking water....#idk we've hit a point where i literally hear the bf doing anything and i get pissed off#but also tell me why i'm sitting in my room (which shares a wall with the bathroom) and i can hear this man hacking and spitting shit up#and this is also something that happens multiple times a day#like.... dude.... why are you spitting up toothpaste so fucking loudly oh my fucking god#but yeah no i'm like my roommate's only friend atp and he's about to not have me lmao like we're about to reach#'i'm cutting you off when i move out' levels of me being pissed off with this whole situation type shit#and apparently the bf convinced him to come out to his family which his mom was chill which is good#his dad's side of the family though....? not great. and my roommate KNEW that would be the case cuz we'd talked about it before#also love that my roommate has constantly talked about moving out of the city we live in because he hates and also there's no good career#opportunities for him here (which is true)#and now. MAGICALLY. he's like 'idk i think it'd be best for me to stay here'#like oh my GOD???? are you hearing yourself???? are you fucking stupid???? you fucking hate it here???#but sure throw your life away and ruin all your meaningful relationships for a guy you met six months ago jfc#and the thing is i *know* my roommate we've been close CLOSE friends for nearly a decade now#i know he is not like this.... like yeah he's being insane by allowing this but also i know these aren't the kinds of decisions he would ma#and also i know he wouldn't treat me like this all on his own#it's the deranged fucking control freak of a guy he decided to date and my roommate has too many of his own issues to put his foot down#about certain things and tell the guy no so he's just allowing him to completely take over his life#and fuck everything up until the bf is the only thing he has left once it's all said and done#and yeah. it's painful to watch. but also wtf am i supposed to do because obviously my opinion is not respected nor wanted regarding this#that has been made PAINFULLY clear#ugh this is so fucking horrendous#what is it with ppl who start to date someone and then go clinically fucking insane and destroy their lives all for this one person#who. realistically. they barely know in comparison to all the other ppl in their life#like explain it to me jfc
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girl help
#the only two girls I actually honestly get along with and enjoy hanging out with#are two girls who both have parents who go to our church but they're like in their early 20s#and are kind of rebelling and not sticking to their faith super well at this point in their lives#which like I can UNDERSTAND even if I don't APPROVE of. I'm the most faithful of the three of us tbh :/#like they've both made some (imo not SUPER damaging. I've seen plenty of young women come back from stuff like this) mistakes#and despite that I like them and like to chat with them and stuff. but my mom has said that she's proud of me for NOT#hanging out with them because they're not the kind of people I should be friends with#so how do I explain to her that like. people make mistakes. even bad ones sometimes. and they still have a pretty solid#foundation in both of their sets of parents and I don't see any actual huge issue with being friends with them#like.... these are the ONLY girls my age who have actively invited me to be friends. I would LIKE to be friends#I just ran into one of them and she asked if I wanted to go to the farmer's market together this weekend. how do I tell my mom#without her Disapproving because of this girl's current issues in keeping with her faith???#how do *I* make up my mind if it's even ok to be friends with these girls. idk how it works!!!!
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Neighbors have yet another new dog they let get loose outside and can't catch 👍
#apparently one of the teens' friends is staying with them and brought it#its like a chihuahua-terrier mix I think#what REALLY gets me is it got loose while the actual owner was gone#and they spent a few minutes trying to catch it and couldnt and then GAVE UP?#like just left this dog that isn't theirs out in the front yard totally by itself. unsupervised. dude if that was my dog id be PISSED that#they just gave up#at first i didnt know that part and finally got fed up with the dog being out there and texted their mom to ask if it was theirs or a stray#bc if it was a stray i wouldve tried to catch it myself#but after that she explained it and made the daughter go back outside to actually catch it
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Me looking at my own mood boards like “oh yeah this guy gets it”
#💭#📓#I love you friendship and midnight gospel and Kaluah and I love listening and hearing stories and laughing so hard and being full of joy and#and and like questions and sadness and grief and fear and all these things that are I usually deal with with isolation on codependence w my#mom like now I feel like I’m given the space to be a person and to be around someone who truly listens and lives and I’m realizing places#(stuck point.comma.therapy term) where I am finding myself uncomfortable with the way I handle a conversation specifically how I listen to#people I care about and listening to understand instead of listening to respond (not usually an issue with ppl I like) or listening to#relate I struggle a lot with that I tend to use immediate interrupting with my own thing to show I get it and that can quickly be overdone#and I’m starting to notice when I do it and I’m learning how to balance that with also learning to shut my mouth for a second and like give#people (Levi) (but also people in IOP actually) space to talk and feel and finish a thought and trying to validate (ew therapy term) and#fully listen and understand in ways that aren’t from my own perspective bc that’s a thing I struggle with but I am also comforted by the#fact that Levi will not punish me or be harsh to me if I mess up in the moments when I notice I’m doing it and maybe when I find myself#doing it I could say it out loud and apologize or like ask if there was more to say like idk I want to work on my listening#and not to use an excuse or whatever but I feel like I have been so isolated for so long like four years ish and I have not fully gained the#skill of listening to people at this stage of my life when I’m not in a direct classroom setting where you are almost allowed to interrupt#in order to add to a conversation but that’s not how all conversations are made to be and obviously (well maybe not obvious) but friends#can understand and discuss boundaries and feel comfortable over talking and speaking up when there was something you wanted to say and#having me wait a second idk idk how to explain it
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thinking about how i was only in the hospital for a week bc i hated the staff so much i forgot to hate myself
#miles thots#tw suicide#actually what happened was i told the story of my coming out and expressed my anger at my mom for taking so long to be okay with my transne#in a group session and the nurse was so quick to defend my mom even saying she sounded like a good mom even after i told her it was the#biggest reason i wanted to die#and she was all ‘i’m sure she just didn’t understand’ even though i said i’d sent her videos and links to articles and offered to explain#myself if she still didn’t get it#this nurse made me feel so incredibly invalidated. i left group early and my roommate came to check on me (he’s also trans so he got it)#i was actually still actively suicidal when they released me but i hid it so well bc i couldn’t stand to be in there any longer#my friends saved me more than that place did. they let me crash on their couches until i was ready to talk to my mom#also- in case anyone actually read this: my mom is wonderful and i love her and we have a very strong relationship now.#it took a lot of work to get here though and it doesn’t change how i view what she did or how she made me feel in the past#but we have talked about all of it and i’ve forgiven her. she’s now my biggest supporter and i love her to the ends of the earth#so this story isn’t me talking bad ab my mom- just the situation and the response i received#oh yeah also they violated hippa and i didn’t realize it for about a year and while they had no right-#i also don’t care enough to do anything ab it anymore lol#tw transphobia#< almost forgot that one
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hi everyone how we doing.
#Cade.Txts#I have been mostly focusing on stimblog stuff as well as discord rp stuff lately#been fun throwing myself into my interests n things.#my anxiety has been god awful and i've been trying to focus on making n writing stuff to push back against it.#been steadily getting worse hkgjfldksjkg keep telling myself i need to go to the therapist about#this shit but its impossible wen no therapists will take my insurance or even csll me back to sechedual shit.#been trying to get help but just kinda seems like no one cares or wants to help.#n i know i have to keep Trying but it is: tiring and hard having to explain things overr n over again.#Going to to attempt to make home made stuffing for thanksgiving w my mom.#was hoping i could try n make some puff pastry apple tarts but idk if we will have the money.#speaking of which. shit is: really tight.#maybe thts why some of my anxiety has been this shit lately but everything expensive n i am tired.#But Anyways. fun time rping w friends and also making stimboards n gifs for things and stuff.
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choices were made in this episode
#i am so?????????#for some reason my mom was watching along with me and i had to explain the entire plot all the time sksksksksk#and that really put things into perspective and made things even more bizzareeee gooooood#i love it tho#only friends#vi.txt
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so many things about me could be explained by the fact that i didnt know people hung out with their school friends during summer/school breaks until i was 17
#like obv i knew you could do that#but it never occured to me that it actually happens#i used to go to summer camp with school friends in elementary school but that usually made me feel worse#for gender reasons mostly#theres something cruel about being the only girl and being separated from your friends for that#i remember one year they wanted girls in one bus and boys in the other one#and if it wasnt for the fact that my mom decided it was stupid and that i should be able to sit with my friends and that there was luckily#a free seat in that boys bus i wouldve to ride alone#idk#but other than summer camps i rarely saw anyone during summer breaks#and it was always normal for me to not see or talk to anyone for 3 months#and idk now it feels like thats how im meant to spend my time so i continually turn everyone down when they ask me if i want to meet up#i was in a group chat with some uni friends a while back and group chatę always inevitably make me feel like im weird and boring and unfunny#and serce as a constant reminder that im not as good friends with anyone as they are with each other#and im not used to texting ppl either not unless i have a specific question thats usually school related#so i. just left that chat and i had people ask me about it bc they were worried the said sth mean/offensive#and i had to make a fool of myself and explain that it was anxiety inducing#everyone was nice about it but it still makes me feel like shit#but ik id feel awful if i stated in it too#anyway im never going to make real kasting friendships and at this point i dont even know if i want to
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one minor inconvenience and i burst out crying and screaming literally i am going to go insane at this rate
#actually two minor inconveniences#first i didn't know what to eat for breakfast#then i realised i packed my lab manual and sent it to the new house when i literally need it for the report im supposed to write today#i need to be sedated actually#rhe worst part is that i cant even call anyone while crying because theyll think im crazy like if i tell my dad i feel unwell he'll#just get really confused and then he'll get annoyed at me for not being able to explain why im acting all neurotic#and if i call my mom she'll treat me like im made of glass and then she'll say some backhanded shit#and my sisters are busy and we're not even close like that#and my friends are also busy and im too afraid of looking like a loser to rely on them#so all i can do is cry and cry and cry until my eyes hurt and then open my laptop and begin what will be my worst work yet to be submitted#z.post
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Like, dont get me wrong. I have friends. But theyre online. Theyre funny screenshots that have crossed every social platform. Theyre cat pics with no caption that everyone responds to incoherently, despite seeing that same cat three times today. At thirty times that week.
Its fun. Its good.
Theyre a voice call away. Theyre across the nation. I send a hundred or two their way when they cant afford groceries. They help me build my dnd characters. I have cried to several of them. I sent them my grad invites knowing they couldnt make it. I hear our inside jokes when passing certain colors, animals, street signs.
But i have never hugged them. I have never shared a meal or an aux cord with them.
Turning a camera on and hugging the screen shows the sentiment. But it doesnt share our space.
I have never been more lonely.
I have never had better friends than them.
I have not touched another's shoulder, hand, hair, clothes in about a complete year now.
#oh god i am lonely#mitsky 2013#has made me go into a breakdown before#becuase yea#mom? am i still young?#will you wash my back?#currently crying on my work break#because a coworker asked me if i talk about 'how stupid my coworkers are'to my friends#i didnt want to explain online friends to this 50/60+ yr old#so i have no friends
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Some were almost true or similar.
#I'm older and only had radio while brother got Walkman and stereos#Haven't owned Apple due to money and it being too much just graphics driven#if I understood computers I'd have Linux#I'm 45 and some stuff may be age difference rather than personality clash#mom pushed tomboy look on me#I'm tomboy personality but needed personal freedom#I'm cis and sometimes it feels surprising#It's more cultural for me so I know I'm cis#I just feel my natural role is not the typical female roles#but not male or nonbinary either#In a more feminist country than US we still have high domestic violence numbers and that explains a bit of my disconnect#I'm often the only talkative person in company#I take a stand and take up space in a way a lot of women do not feel comfortable doing#I'd like more friends in person but have isolated and socialise online#Finns have a baby box with lots of supplies#My family kept the blanket from my baby box for a long time#I use a blanket my mom made as an emotional support visual#The math vs cashier line was something I have said word for word#Almost hurt my pet bunny as I cut my finger and reflex from pain threw the knife behind me#was into horses but no money for riding#now I know I'm allergic to hays so maybe for the best#read a ton about horses#leant and bought a lot of horse magazines#polls#pick one#personal#Not a Microsoft fan either but can find and fix things better#have sent a message in a bottle but it was just a hi type of thing#had major asthma symptoms approaching stables in a car
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