#and then *that* shit happened and I lost literally all of my drawings including this one

[pyr0peyt]

Lil' smoochie :]

[youronlylie]

hello people in my phone

BOONE head cannon list, just a mix of stuff that'll probably change later ( THERE WILL BE MORE ) 1/?

• He undoubtedly was ripped/heavily worked out being in the ncr, after moving to novac and loosing his wife he undoubtedly lost a lot of muscle but...guys he still is literally like beefed.

• He cannot fucking cook for shit, he understands what shouldn't be put in your body but from there he has no clue.

• Going off of cooking, he has strict times where he eats, like routine from the ncr.

• For some reason he strikes me as a guy who really enjoys fruit whenever he can get his hands on it.

• Cannot tolerate any sort of spice.

• Smells very mettalic, sweaty, like man must.

• Has a soft spot for cats.

• 1000% is not bald, just shaves his head as he probably prefers the look.

• I feel like with a romantic partner, since he isn't one much for talking his love language would be physical touch or gift giving, I could imagine him seeing stuff he knows they'd like and saving it for later, excited to see how they'd react.

• He would definitely have a special place in his heart for fantasy movies, he doesn't seem to be able to express himself well and I feel like the creativity of something like lord of the rings would get him going.

• I seriously cannot pick so I'll include both, he is either an extreme cuddler with a romantic partner or on very rare occasions, he's just terrible at expressing emotion.

• If the courier and him are something like romantic partners he'd definitely never be able to sleep, often awake staring and listening for noises, waiting for the next cascade of legionares but it never happens and he eventually learns that.

• I don't think he'd ever get married again unless it'd be over 20 or so years in the future, it's a type of commitment that I don't think he could mentally handle whatsoever unless he is totally over Carla.

• I definitely do think boone could find love again in another person, he's scared and alone, fearful for any sort of attachment.

• 10000% has really really nice man hands, like large hands with nice fingers.

• Is definitely tall but not close to arcade tall, 6' ish at MOST, I just feel like looking at his build and concept art that he is definitely a tall man.

• Secretly really has a thing for drawing whenever he can, especially when he was nested at novac, sitting up top the dinosaur scribbling stuff on old receipts or whatever else it helps him get his emotions and thoughts out.

• irl he would be so patriotic it's not even funny, like he'd go all out for fourth of July but is the somber type so he'd cook hot dogs and whatever else then sit in the corner and watch everyone else.

• Has a thing for memorizing features, very very very intuitive and will remember almost anything you tell him.

• He is so the type of guy to enjoy snow, like yeah he'd probably be kinda pissy for a bit but if you pushed his buttons enough I feel like he'd mess around with the courier.

• He absolutely like no doubt has nightmares, like the ones where you erupt in cold sweat and your throat is sore.

• If he does sleep like ever, along with nightmares he grips the sheets, rolls around a whole lot, mumbles. In the ncr he was the total opposite, stone faced, layed straight and slept some what peacefully until later on in his ncr years.

• Yearns for someone, even platonic, to just sit beside him, no words and scratch his back and kinda just touch him lightly. I don't think he'd cry but it's something I could imagine would bring him close to tears.

• He absolutely probably finds almost everyone annoying, like, he just is done with everything and doesn't give two shits about what anyone has to say unless the courier puts some sense into him.

• Really disagrees with gambling, just doesn't like it.

• Wishes he had a nice farm house, out somewhere away from everything, where it has everything he needs and could be away from absolutely everyone. ( of course after extracting revenge on the legion )

• He wants to learn how to play guitar, either he has tried and is horrible or has just never gotten the chance, I have a feeling he'd really be into (irl) like classic rock or something smooth.

• Cannot look at people with features his wife had the same, down to personality or looks.

• Absolutely dreads deep down without realizing going back to novac when the courier disbands him.

• He would like having books read to him, he's a listener not a reader, likes hearing people's voices just not his own.

• At a point probably had a nickname for his rifle, something like Beth or something that was a joke between him and Manny.

• Manny 1000% at a point tried hinting to boone or even confessing his love for him, either the point never got across or they got over it together. ( somewhat ish at a point )

• In all reality I play him out to be a really sweet guy, which I can imagine and he can somewhat tend to be but he ultimately really doesn't care, he'll kill in order to get what he wants ( so be it revenge or whatever else ) even if he isn't necessarily fond of it.

• At a point, consumed by guilt he forgets what Carla looks like and that eats him up inside, like the teeth gritting soul crushing ache for revenge, and a year or two leads him to completely forget her complexion.

[empty-movement]

sorry but please... post your akio plastic covered couch tweet here... the world needs to know...

Warning: pics of gross shit happening on the couches

I'll do you one better and include the STORY! So, I, Vanna (note: Yasha mostly does the Tumblr and I mostly do the Twitter,) was smoking enough weed to knock out a large horse or put a very tiny dent in my constant back and shoulder pain, as one does when when they're a middle-aged Registered Nurse in the year 2023. (I'm 39 but it's an old 39, lmao.)

Scrolling through Twitter, I stumble on a fanart of Suletta from Witch of Mercury sitting goofily on a white couch. Now I haven't seen this show yet, but the white couch....looked familiar, and I know the show is very much a descendent of Utena in terms of creative teams. For those that don't know, the series is written by Ichirō Ōkouchi, who also wrote the two Revolutionary Girl Utena novelizations...which if you didn't know about before, you know about now, and can read translated on our site here! (Warning: Touga and Miki uh, in the novels...)

Anyways, so I hop onto my own website and start downloading the images that will constitute receipts, before realizing 1. these images are all on multiple computers feet away from me, 2. the couch isn't an identical match, 3. that'd have been weird anyway, and most importantly, 4:

AKIO'S COUCHES DON'T LOOK RIGHT. OBSERVE:

The edges of the armrests have sloppier upholstery than the blanket I have covering my computer desk. I took the time to tuck seams at least. What is this??

Now it could absolutely be leather, I thought. It would absolutely track. But leather upholstery doesn't look like this. It doesn't wrinkle quite this way. It would have cleaner seams.

No. No that's too shiny for leather. So here I am, presented with this strangeness I'd never really considered in how Akio's couch is drawn, and having spent the last few months learning about my Italian-American family history, my chemically altered ass came to the only reasonable conclusion:

Akio Ohtori has plastic coverings on his white couches, like he's a depression era American in poverty.

Fuck yeah, I though, A HIT TWEET, there, at the end of all Tweeting things. (Yeah I'm working on that, stay tuned, lmao. I of all people know when to bail on stupid men with stupid power.) Because I am me, I framed it as semi serious by pulling a context to explain it out of my ass:

I was joking.

But the replies? They were not. And then I thought about it some more. And I've kept thinking about it. Do I seriously think Ikuhara and Co literally are intentionally drawing a plastic covered couch? Doesn't that feel, Vanna, like a bit of a stretch, even for Utena meta?

Listen to that CRONCH when Akio sits down in episode 31, before Anthy is seen by Nanami. Look, the buttons on the back rest don't quite fit, but the rest? Yeah it kinda does. I was high, but not wrong!?

Akio *does* surround himself with a bizarre hodgepodge of Americana as an aesthetic. The arm garters. The piping and cut of his cowboy-ass shirt. His American car. His mullet. His miniature fucking golf. Why not the plastic covered couch? It's a trope of American poverty that would absolutely have fallen neatly into the diet of American pop culture that influenced Ikuhara. (He makes references to E.T. and The Godfather and Suspiria and all kinds of things in his other work, Utena itself is a little less obvious with individual references but inherits HUGE amounts of vibes from the same content--Ikuhara and Co watched Lost Highway in theaters during the production of the Akio Arc and I will not be convinced otherwise.)

So yeah. That's the story, and that's the theory. Do I seriously believe it was deliberate? Maybe. Probably. Possibly. But it fits so well it's headcanon for me, and in the Utena fandom, pretty much all canon is kind of headcanon so enjoy this one.

What an asshole.

[slushglow]

EMO USAGI LORE DROP + BONUS (W/ TW !!)

just want to start by saying sorry it took me eighty five yrs to even post this thats super my bad hahaha

this basically explains how yuichi lost his markings and came to run away from his family, i just did this little comparison drawing of when he's a kid (age 11) to when he's a little older (age 17) and then word vommed everything i could into two pages HAHAHA

i know my handwriting is so shit im so sorry, i meant to find the original google doc and/or procreate file to copy and paste the text or at least retype it here BUT I CANT FIND EITHER OF THEMMMM i am literally going insane, i'm on my phone rn or i would be typing all of this out asap but tumblr hates me on mobile and it's also like 3 am but i PROMMY i will get around to retyping everything in a much easier to read format instead of yall zooming in three thousand times to read the hieroglyphs that is my handwriting HAHAHA i'll def edit this when i get the chance and do just that so pls bear w me </3 when i finally find the google doc i will also include it bc it has a ton more info !!!!!

anyways if y'all have any comments questions or concerns pls don't be afraid to drop an ask i would also love to just word vom abt my version of yuichi + leo and yuichi + the others bc they r very dear to me !!!

there's a bonus image under the cut that shows child yuichi moments after getting his scar, just warnin y'all again !!!! don't worry it's not super graphic tho, u also cant see the actual injury !!

TW // DEPICTION OF BLOOD AND INJURY

this is the following moment after he gets his scar

the overall shock from the events of the day (losing his brother, watching him die, having to face his grandfather) means he barely even reacts when it happens but at the same time it's kinda like this epiphany hits him that he can't stay anymore u know :/ idk i didn't intend on making him such a tragic character but here we are !!! LMAO

ANYWAYSSS thanks so much for sticking around guys i uber appreciate u all B) again if u have any questions comments or concerns don't be afraid to hit up my ask box !! okay i'm finally done now HAHAHA

[hils79]

Hils Watches Mysterious Lotus Casebook - Ep 27

Fang Duobing: I'm really angry with you for letting me think you got killed by zombies Also Fang Duobing: MUST PROTECT THE BOYFRIEND I AM ANGRY WITH

Aww come on I thought you were friends now

They both care about him now 🥺

The way Fang Duobing ran to catch him when he fainted 🥺

The protector is now the protected. This is all too much.

OH SHIT! He just revealed himself to everyone including Fang Duobing to save Fang Duobing's life. There is so much happening in this episode.

Nooooo! She took away their A-Fei!

God, I knew it would be heartbreaking when Fang Duobing found out. The way he immediately runs to Li Lianhua when he collapses but then draws short of touching him because everything is different now. My heart!

Props to Zeng Shunxi for his acting. Fang Duobing looks like he's aged about ten years in the time it took for Li Lianhua to wake up

I shouldn't laugh because this is heartbreaking to watch but yes, he has, in more ways than one

Now he's crying. This is horrible. I just want to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him.

I do feel bad for Li Lianhua. He just got used to having people in his life again that he can trust and he lost both of them in the space of about an hour

I'm placing a bet now that he's faking not remembering anything that happened after he left seclusion so he can stealthily find out what Jiao Liqiao is up to

I am laughing at her having all her men on stanby though in case Di Feisheng woke up and immediately tried to kill her

Yeah, he's acting way too heterosexual for this to be anything other than a ruse

Well, he kept a piece of Di Feisheng's under armour so I suppose I'm not surprised he kept the broken flute too

Oh no :D

I literally had to pause this for five minutes because I was laughing so hard. This dude just came right out and said 'don't you think it's sus that Di Feisheng suddenly isn't gay anymore'

Usually when they show part of the face of the mysterious mastermind I can fairly easily figure out who it is. I have no idea who this dude is though.

[meoproject]

some doodles with my characters.... some of these have already been posted separately, but there's some new ones also

If you're still here, have some explanations: "Heraldry" -- Just a small coat of arms design to symbolize the nation/race/species Beriith belongs to (I still don't have a name for them lol :/ ) ... yeah its a goat with a demon tail, what about it "Aging" -- Kid Beriith and... current day Beriith. He was always a serious kid, but definitely not as troubled as he is now. I like the idea of drawing my characters as children, but I genuinely don’t enjoy drawing children… kids generally don’t have the features I like drawing the most (like prominent nose shapes) so I often don’t, but I wanted to think about how Beriith’s horns looked before they grew in. "T-shirt" -- girl im so sorry about your booba "Eligori's new clothes" -- I thought about Eligori's design, and decided that I didn't like the direction I took his outfit to. There was a reason for it (mostly I wanted to differentiate him from Beriith) but it didn't really work. There's some fun symbolism in this one too, though its so subtle only I get it. "Swap" -- What lf Beriith was an elf and Val was… whatever demon species Beriith is. I... kinda… hate how naked Beriith looks without his horns, and Val is giving me “smurfette as succubus” so that sucks also. The only thing I like is that this would be a pretty fun height difference. Absolutely cursed otherwise, though. "Portrait" -- Portrait of Val for her toyhou.se profile. Literally just included this to fill some space. "Argument" -- Beriith and Val both can get pretty argumentative when pushed. Beriith isn't even hard to push into an argument; there are things he's very opinionated about, he is... weird about being told what to do, and he rarely cares about being polite, soooo.... Val generally tries to play nice longer than Beriith would, but she has her limits, and once she reaches said limits, she gets super snarky and verbally aggressive. "Gift" -- When Val was a child, she used to idolize her aunt, like, a lot. Her aunt was a cool archmage who dared to speak against their family's shitty expectations, and even as a young child Val realized that was what she also wanted to be. Her aunt eventually distanced herself from their family, and ceased all contact, but before she left, she gave Val one of her hair ribbons as a gift. Val has treasured it ever since, and to this day, over 20 years later, she still ties her hair with it. "Pears" -- There is a specific pear cultivar that mainly grows around the region Beriith lived in before.... shit happened, and he became the world-traveling bodyguard-for-hire he is now. The pear is known for it sour taste that requires cooking to become sweet, and them raw is something of an acquired taste. Sometimes Beriith comes across them and can't help but get one, and feel just a bit more hollow inside as he is reminded of everything he has lost. He doesn't even like the flavor. It's just emotional self-harm, really.

[orinthered]

Dragon's Dogma having only one save file may be a design choice (I know of at least one major thing you're referring to), but in actual practice, it just means that some people are objectively going to lose progress or have very negative experiences with the game

To that point, I started a new DD1 file before DD2's release and I ran into an issue where I just kept freezing on random load screen, right as it was autosaving, so my save file kept getting corrupted. Lost like 5 hours of progress from the start of the game, had to do it all over again, then it happened again in a different spot. The only reason I was able to make any meaningful progress until I figured out the issue was by making manual backups

I'm honestly terrified of the same thing happening with Dragon's Dogma 2 and have actually been stopping my play sessions periodically just to make a manual backup, then loading back in. Not even including the in-game event(s) that can royally screw your playthrough, that is a completely unnecessary fear that the devs have chosen to create, which is particularly egregious considering the mountain of performance and crashing issues people have been experiencing due to poor optimization

People who want to save scum or simply want the security of backups are always going to find the means to do so regardless of what the devs intend. I mean, DD1 had a mod that automatically backed up your save file and it was already retooled for DD2 literally on release day. To inconvenience all players purely for the sake of encouraging a specific play style is, quite frankly, insulting to peoples' time. Plenty of games manage to create compelling exploration experiences and interesting points of consequence and tension without tying any of it to some random, severely limiting mechanic or design choice

I say all of this as someone who's currently 40 hours in and is loving the exploration (which evokes that first time experience of playing Breath of the Wild), but who absolutely abhors the notion of having to repeat a 20+ minute long trek because I got to a quest area to save an NPC from some monster and the NPC ends up falling in the water literally as soon as I arrive, causing the game to auto-save because the quest is now "complete" (failed). Or, suddenly all of my pawns have swan dived into a river due to pathfinding issues or climbing movement quirks, causing me to waste time, rift crystals, or ferrystones to recuperate. Or, being forced to automatically talk to a passing NPC/pawn during a fight, causing my escort NPC to draw aggro and die while I'm trying to mash out of the dialogue menu

Defend the vision of players needing to pay attention and sit with their consequences all you'd like, but small, dumb shit like that is honestly infuriating and it happens way more often than it should

i get that this is annoying but i also think that if the ability to savescum existed in the game, everyone would do it. would i necessarily complain about multiple saves in a game like dragon's dogma? probably *not*, but i would miss the experience of being forced to engage with the game in a way i would not if i had access to multiple saves. i found myself missing this in baldur's gate 3 — because i had the ability to savescum things like rolls, i never played with the consequences of failing rolls.

is that a failure of those game systems? yeah. larian wants you to engage with failed rolls, but how many players do you know actually do that? who don't just press f9 when they get a shit roll?

you can dislike these systems, that's fair. but dragon's dogma fills a lot of niches that other games do not. one of these niches is a one-save system that forces you to engage with the game by making you play the game with your consequences, or suffer some really annoying backtracking with the inn save system. i do not think that every game has to appeal completely to every person. if you think dragon's dogma is insulting to your time, that's fine. if you think the execution is bad (which i could argue for, even though i really like what dd2 does) that is also fine. not every aspect of the game is gonna be a hit, god knows there's a particular section of dd2 that i think was a real miss (those who've beaten the game know exactly what i'm talking about) but i mean... there are reasons for it, infuriating or not. that is also part of the experience.

[james-is-not-here]

Venting

Imagining random shit to try and fall asleep when it full on hit me that I'm an age regresser...

Like I knew I wanted to be smaller so to speak and I wanted to be like a child but it finally hit me. Not only that, it hit me that I think I'm doing it to cope.

The last few years of my teen hood weren't that great. I lost my Papaw, lost my best friend. Then we were scammed out of a house and had to move in with my grandma and during the time at my grandma's I was experimenting and while doing so I kept secrets. I hid everything from my parents and at the same time someone in my family was going down a dark path, went to a shitty hospital for it which made the dark path even darker and my secrets were apart of that too, I started to feel safer at school rather than my own home.

Then I graduated, my family finally moved out of my grandma's house and slowly but surely the tiny thread I had connected to the family member started to weave itself back together but only now am I realizing that I didn't feel like being "small" until after all this happened.

I use to feel independent and could do things on my own but now? Now I'm scared. I'm scared that my art won't get me to where I want to be, I'm scared that I'll always be by myself and my friends will forget me, I'm now scared to be independent and this all happened after a graduated. I don't have a schedule to follow, I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have a set plan to follow anymore and now all I do is sit around and do random shit on my phone.

For crying out loud, I can't even finish a fucking request or stand alone fics. I start it but then I stop and I feel so shitty for leaving all of you hanging but I also appreciate that no one has hated on me for it, that you're still waiting and I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to get things out.

This started out as me realizing I want to be cared for and held and babied but now I realize just how fucking scared I've become. How Co-Dependent I've become all because I'm not at school anymore like seriously? What happened to the person that willingly auditioned for their first solo in band? What happened to person that helped create a club for their school? What happened to the person that literally offered their skills to a teacher to make posters? What happened to the person that would give more than 100% in school projects that included drawing something?

Why did I step back into my shell? Why did I go back to that shy person in the back of the class that stuttered and tripped over her words when put on the spot? Why did I go back when I was so high up?

My old ELA teacher, god I loved him. Student/Teacher love I mean. He, too, had ADHD and I didn't know that but when he told me I felt so seen. He helped me so much. He helped me understand better and he came up with "The Graph". I'm tearing up just thinking about him cause he was amazing. "The Graph" is what we referred to as my progress. I was to push to keep the graph going up, to not stop and keep it from going down.

Yeah, if I was to see that teacher again he wouldn't be happy that my graph is plummeting. He wouldn't be happy that my graph hasn't peaked in a year, almost two.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong and I'm fucking scared. I don't know how to get back into the groove I had and I feel so left behind. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I feel so behind with all my friends in college or in the military. I know I work differently but I feel like I should be up there with them, I should be doing something beneficial rather than doing nothing. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm even starting to doubt my art which I'm also scared of cause I'm so fucking good at what I do.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[weebsinstash]

I saw that fairy ask and you know what would be insufferable actually?

Fairy! Gojo.

He sees a lil cute traveler who got lost from her group while taking a walk through the forest, decides he wants to mess with her a bit. Absolute piece of shit bully except now he’s a fairy (which… isn’t very different from how he usually is? lmao), altering her perception of time and space (or maybe altering the layout of the fucking forest. who knows) so she’s walking around in circles for what feels like a couple of hours when it’s actually been days, scaring her with creepy sounds of his laughter and pitter-patter of feet, to the point she’s so scared she breaks down crying.

Meanwhile he’s just laughing at his funny little pranks until he decides “you know what I want to keep her actually :3” so he just appears and starts trying to interact like everything is fine and dandy. Maybe he does this thing I saw in a folklore tale once where the fairy undressed herself and bathed by the river to seduce the guy she wanted except it’s Gojo and the last thing you want to see when you’re scared and lost in a forest is a naked uncanny grown ass man bathing in a river.

Or consider this: Unseelie Fairy! Sukuna. This one’s a menace.

Ok so the first thing coming in my head is, remember how he kept absolutely pestering the fuck out of Nanami and it was to give him a note and when Nanami finally opened it, it was just a drawing of a dick. He's such a fucking troll I can just, SEE a fae Gojo bugging you constantly and insisting you take some sort of gift from him and you keep turning him down either out of modesty and being humble or you just genuinely don't like him and when he finally cracks your patience and you take it just to get him to leave you alone, he just gets this shit eating grin "ok you accepted my special gift and that means we're married now~!" and he's being 500% serious like he did in fact not tell you he was basically doing his people's courting ritual and you have now basically accepted to like, be his spouse 💀

You open the gift or unwrap it and it's just a drawing of a dick or some other troll gift, he just needed you to accept period and NOW that you're "together" he can get you REAL gifts (that are also occasionally fucked up or twisted). Like imagine you turn him down so many times he eventually just offers you something so extremely small and minor it's like, ok is this all it takes to leave me alone? He gives you a little braided bracelet or like handcrafted trinket or like something handmade and humble and seemingly innocent and it's like Surprise Bitch That's Enchanted and you just touched it or even put it on 😩😩😩

Other classic dickhead fairy Gojo moments include "you're lost in the woods and he uses magic to distort the forest and make you walk in circles until you're literally crying and freaking out and he thinks it's really funny and adorable" like he's some kind of malicious ass Cheshire cat, constantly laughing at your struggles and teasing you. He'll tease you to tears and then kiss those tears away and say you're a cute silly little baby 🥰 (lmao I'm stoned and basically forgot that's literally what you said already so, same braincell haha)

He's like completely out of touch and not realizing that, he's not just interested in you, he's legitimately infatuated with you, until you're like at the local harvest festival or something similar and you go to dance with someone else and, wait a second why is he getting so tense watching someone else put their hands on you and look into your eyes and you're both smiling and laughing and--

he loses his temper and some magic bullshittery happens like it suddenly starts to storm or another person accidentally trips into your partner and they twist their ankle and can't dance anymore or even something falling on them or being blown by a sudden and specific gust of wind like gojo is canonically pretty sadistic imo like he had to be ordered not to kill someone and he's like "ok I'll just horrifically twist all their limbs then :)"

And he's, you know a fae and a weirdo so he doesn't even always need to traditionally spend time with you. You're ignoring him and refusing to come near him? Fine, he'll transform into a cat and suddenly you're rubbing his belly and giving his kisses and calling him a little scrunkly baby like, magic really does open all doors. Maybe his gifted bracelet or charm that you put on let's him track you and even read your thoughts and shit and of course you can't take it off

And on the subject of Sukuna, someone was asking if I saw the newest developments with him after we were discussing the recent manga developments, and it's like "oh you mean him being ugly now, yeah I saw 😒" 😂😂😂 Yuuji has some potential with him being a relatively idk nice and innocent boy and then he's got, you know, a mischievous ancient demon inside of him. Itadori over here "wow Reader is a really good sorceror and has a good heart, im lucky to have then as my friend ^^" and Sukuna chimes in "yeah that's why they would look so cute with their mouth on our cock :3"

[not-made-of-actual-rye]

I'm not done (if you saw my last post). This time, though, I'm not talking about the sick old men who are my band directors. Let's go a little bit younger.

There's this guy I know. His fake name (because his real name makes me feel sick to my stomach) is Aaron. I've never talked about him on social media before, mostly because he's on every other platform of social media I have other than Tumblr (I'd praise god if I weren't atheist)

Aaron always scared me. Immediate red flag, right? 🚩 Well, I met him exactly 10 days after I officially started dating my boyfriend. It's probably a good time to mention (unfortunately) that Aaron is my boyfriend's oldest brother.

If you've seen the other post, you'll know I am in my school's band (this took place before all the shit that made me hate the band directors, mind you, and I still loved band with my entire heart and soul at this point). Unfortunately, my boyfriend comes from a very musical family, and every single one of them is/was an instrumentalist.

On this unfortunate day of December 15th, 2023, our band directors decided it was a wonderful idea to have an alumni game, where all former graduates of our school are allowed back to play again in a pep band game. I'd never met Aaron until this point, and I admitted to my boyfriend that I didn't want to meet him. Again, gut feeling that he was bad news.

That night, he asked his brother to point me out. Me being scared of him (he was also right behind me in the stands) I avoided him as best I could, but being in his general proximity gave me a massive headache that didn't go away for the rest of the night. He was also a very loud player (egotistical bitch) and was bothering other members of my section too

After the pre-game performance, I ended up finding him looking lost in the back hallway that typically only the band members used. Just being kind, I explained to him that most people were out socializing in the Commons, and it would be better for him to wait out there rather than alone in the hallway.

I was unfortunately naive when this occurred, and I didn't realize his intentions when he began using this time with us alone to interrogate me, including questions about where I lived and what my parents did for work. I didn't clock this as creepy behavior until much, much too late, because I assumed he was just being friendly. Even so, when I did manage to escape his questioning, I hid with a group of friends and avoided him as best I could.

As far as I knew, nothing else happened for a couple months (there was actually a lot happening at this time that I'll cover later) until my boyfriend invited me and one of my best friends at the time to a college pep band game that his father led. I had a lot of fun there, and I loved every minute of it (except when my boyfriend neglected to give me literally any important information about this event I'd never gone to despite me begging him to give me details)

At this game and at this college, there's a long-standing tradition where attractive college women will dress in bathing suits and cover up with trenchcoats, only to reveal their bodies whenever the opposing team attempted to score a free throw

Aaron made a comment about my makeup (I like to do more graphic looks including rhinestones around my eyes), saying, and I quote "At least you're drawing attention to your eyes, and not..." and he trailed off but he made it abundantly clear he was referring to the ladies in swimsuits. Especially when he followed his statement up with, "Of course, you're aware of the tradition, right?" He began explaining it to me while I stood there in silence.

For a while, I thought his comment had been funny. It became an inside joke between me and my boyfriend, because, again, I had been naive and not realized it was not only weird but also extremely creepy to be making comments about a 15-year old showing off her body like the adult college students were. (Reminder that he was 25 at the time, and knew my age)

This all occurred on January 20th, 2024. 3 months later (almost exactly) on April 21st, I was visiting my boyfriend's house for the second time. It was going really well, until I forced my boyfriend to show me his phone. I knew he'd been hiding things from me because he would panic every time I got his phone, even if I didn't have any desire to open it. This had been going on for at least 2 months, possibly longer.

For whatever reason, he finally allowed me to see. I looked through his texts when I found they were about me. They were between both of his older brothers. These messages varied between talking about my deepest insecurities (something I'd trusted my boyfriend and only my boyfriend with, not even my closest friends), as well as them berating me for being crazy, psycho, and a red flag. All these insults came directly from Aaron himself, mind you.

I laid on my boyfriend's bed, scrolling through and reading everything they'd ever said about me. He laid behind me, watching. He said mostly nothing, only ever asking if I was okay, to which I couldn't answer by how betrayed and shocked I felt about this whole ordeal.

The texts about me had started back in November, when my boyfriend and I had started talking and falling for each other. He'd gone to his older brothers asking for advice, and they'd given it excitedly, because they'd been wanting him to get a girlfriend for a while before he'd met me. Aaron specifically had been more obsessed with our relationships, even going as far as to make comments about how I better be pretty (his words were "she better not be mid" he then clarified "not attractive")

I cried silently while I read the story of how my boyfriend had told them almost everything I never wanted anyone to know, and even though I knew he'd been hiding something, I never would have assumed it'd be that. I screenshotted the messages (some, not all... I wanted some to remain hidden from anyone who asked to see the messages, because I knew that time would come) and sent them to myself. I sat in his room in silence for a couple minutes just to process everything, ignoring everything he'd try to say to me, and texted his little sister, one of my best friends, if I could hang out in her room for a while because I didn't want to look at him.

I showed her everything, because I figured if I didn't, someone else would, and even though she was younger than I am, she agreed with me that it was messed up and tried her best to comfort me. I stayed with her for longer than I anticipated until I was ready to face my boyfriend again. I went in his room and laid on the bed with him in silence, crying. I said I wasn't sure if I could still love him after that, and even though it hurt seeing his reaction as I broke his heart, he'd broken mine too.

I went home, hiding the truth from my mother when she asked how everything went. I texted my boyfriend and we argued about everything. I officially ended it that night, because I refused to stay with someone who never wanted to be with me forever in the first place.

It was a messy breakup, one that isn't really important to the story aside from knowing about the existence of the text messages and some of the content they contained. Long story very very short, my boyfriend and I got back together after we had a lot of long discussions about the texts.

Essentially, I realized that, aside from my boyfriend telling them things he never should have, he was mostly just asking for advice and answering their questions when the time arose. In the grand scheme of things, it was Aaron (and perhaps the other brother like... once) who was making the nasty comments about me, including not only the creepy comment about my attractiveness, but also sexual things (note that my boyfriend and I never had sex and he knew this).

As if that wasn't enough, the time before my boyfriend and I got back together (we remained friends after the breakup even though we both knew we still had feelings for each other) I learned more about Aaron. A lot of this was from my ex-boyfriend, but some was from his social media (what is with millennials and thinking they should post their every thought online?)

I learned a lot of things about my new enemy Aaron. Some of them included:

His wife, whom he'd married 3 days before my boyfriend and I started officially started dating, was only 3 or 4 years older than me, at the age of 19.

His wife was also homeschooled, never went to college, and had limited social interaction outside of her many siblings and her parents. She met Aaron at either 17 or 18. Aaron, 24-soon-to-be-25, started dating his now-wife as soon as she would've graduated high school at the age of 18.

Aaron has a birth defect (no name was given but I have used this wonderful resource named Google and am making an educated guess in saying it is hypogonadism) which, and I am very sorry to have to type this but it is important, makes it very hard for him to produce sperm.

After only 2 months of marriage, Aaron got his 19-year-old wife pregnant (and I can pinpoint the exact day it was conceived because he told his 16-year old brother, aka my boyfriend, all about it)

Maybe it's just me, but having testosterone issues to the point where you require you're essentially unable to ejaculate (infertility, a common symptom of hypogonadism) and then suddenly being able to make a kid after 2 months as soon as you fuck a teenager? Interesting...

That's all I have to say for now. My hatred for this "man" runs deep, and it will probably be like that for years, but I don't care. I want nothing to do with him

[hiodoshi-ao]

.

I try to stay positive and hopeful to a point but I need to let this out somewhere, somehow...

I don't know how to tell people that I'm burned out from constant [redacted] at home and constantly being targeted by managers at work with unfair write-ups, like the ones I heard horror stories about...

As a "seasonal" employee, I can't get work benefits that full-time ones get to enjoy. These write-ups are blocking me from even getting the opportunity to transition to full-time at all, and open enrollment for benefits are closing soon... which is extremely frustrating because of how mentally and physically broken I've been feeling.

I'm desperately trying to get work accommodations right now, even if I can't afford proper benefits because if I don't, I might lose my job, lose my home (because I lost my job), or reinjure my dominant arm trying to make sure I go above and beyond productivity-wise to not give my managers any leeway in targeting me.

They don't target other people who actually are breaking the rules as long as they're working extremely fast. Give them the numbers they need to look good for their higher ups and they'll look the other way. Follow the rules but fall behind on their computers' records because there's barely been any work to do and get written up. They have a write-up quota and prefer easy targets with "bad" records like me.

They don't even care if people do sloppy work. I can say that for a fact because they refuse to write up this one lady who has a reputation of bullying other coworkers. She's as cruel as she is a fast worker, and it shows because she doesn't care if there's literal bird shit on the work she completes. Not that it's surprising, but I know of other instances proving how little my managers give a fuck. I'm trying so hard to be a good, quiet worker without reinjuring myself or screwing other people over with shit-quality work but it feels impossible now that I'm on their radar.

I'm so broken and tired. I really wish I could just quit my job and become a full-time artist, but is that possible with how burned out I am? People keep telling me I'm wasting my time working where I am because they see potential in my art and it's flattering to hear but compliments like that do the opposite of motivating me... I just don't know where to go from here. I'm not an educated professional, so my brain keeps telling me I don't have the skills or charisma to make it happen... that I don't have what it takes.

I hate life so much. I barely have the energy to do things I like anymore, like drawing or catching up with shows I'm obsessed with. I don't have the energy to interact with my loved ones much, my mom included... It's so easy to isolate myself and I hate it, and I can't even do basic every day things consistently right now. Most of my energy goes into working and trying to appease and accommodate other people's needs over my own.

I feel like I'm drowning with my head barely bobbing out of the water... I know I can make it out of this situation somehow, but how and when... and can that time come faster, please? 😭

[bayleaf-2]

Hi so I didn't make any coding progress today, hence why I didn't post anything, but I did draw all day! Lotta info incoming so here! Here goes! I already did transcripts and stuff for a friend who has some but not all context and I'm. Very very tired so sorry gang but I'm not adding additional context. Also some of the tone might seem weird, cause again, directly to friend and not tumblr

That being said, big thing first! Started some design mockups for Arc 5, character notes included. Got damn the compression on this is bad sorry gang.

The first one is how Lyra looks literally the day after the campaign ends! That design's title is "The worst of it" because I don't know for sure how long that'll last, for multiple reasons (How long Lisp can fuck with Ioun's ritual until the library notices, how long Lyra's in this state of "make it to the next day" grief, etc) but I do know that this is their lowest point, so it feels best to label it as such if I don't have another reference point to label with, at least for the time being. The bullet points are as follows:

Feels dysphoric (outfit helps)

Now that they're not rushing through everything and actually have time to think about how they feel and also don't have to wear high tier armor all the time, Lyra realizes that she's not…actually happy being in such boxy clothes, among other things. I hesitate to go into any more detail cause I don't wanna trigger anyone else's dysphoria, but they change into a looser, more fem outfit. I'm realizing now that the silhouette still looks similar because I'm not as good with drawing clothes, but imagine it's like. Flowy and soft rather than boxy and thick. (Yes this is bc I wanted to give her a design changed but I also realized they'd want the same thing, it's been like. months)

"One day at a time"

Kind of explained before, but I'll elaborate a bit more just cause: They lost their entire family. They lost like 3 out of 4 of the people most important to them. He's almost 300, so he's probably lost someone before, but not like this. Not because of something so world changing, not with the world itself almost waiting for her to get over it so she can help fix everything (or at least that's how she feels.)

Feels bad seeking comfort from or being comforted by the library

The library is something that's connected very strongly to Ioun! He feels like Khunoth and Emily would be furious at him for that, Emily especially. Now does Lyra need to talk to someone? Absolutely. Is he gonna feel any less guilty? Not really.

2nd mockup: Titled "approximately winter" because iirc the campaign started at like…the tail end of summer, and it's been about 3 months (2 months of travel time and 1 month of Actual Shit happening) but don't quote me on the exact timing. Hence the approximately. It could be the beginning of winter, or the end. I also wanted to encompass the whole season to leave wiggle room time-wise for the emotional recovery aspect.

Dysphoria gone! Yay! A combination of them feeling better emotionally and the thing that was causing it being gone. She's more confident again, yippee!

Quest full-time? Maaaybe by this point, he's spending most of his time outside the library going on Kate's quest and looking for the book. Again, it's a timing thing. I imagine once they're in a good enough state for it, they go like. Full detective on it and have a notebook dedicated to their findings and stuff. Additionally, if this is the case, they probably go by Elion at this point! For the record, if any of her family members were still around, she'd probably prefer that they call her Lyra.

Old party members find her Speaking of which! If any of the people from Elion's other parties were to find him, they would've found him by this point, most likely. It's been a while since the godslaying ended and the funeral's happened so word's gotten out about who was involved. Now, based on my memory (but the last time we got recognized was a while ago) people knew the names of the godslayers, but not the faces. There are people who've been tracking the party, but that's a small group, I think. So Elion's party members miiiight not know she's a godslayer unless she tells them? Again, questionable how much the general public knows, and we've been getting adventuring parties sent after us so. It could go either way.

Sorry if this is like. Unfollowable without context, I might fix it in the morning. I also will say, the reason old party members is getting brought up at all is because a friend wanted to hug Lyra after hearing what happened to them and I said ":v she- she's been in other parties, you could have one of your characters know her iyw-" and they said yes, so I'm trying to think about it now, just for funsies XP

There's more art, but with how long this post already is I'm just gonna post em separately.

[keefwho]

June 08 - 2023 Thurdday

2:08 PM

Some of my most frequent thoughts include: “I am alone” “No one wants me” “I’m not good enough” “I’m not worthy of (thing) or (person)” “Is (person) better than me?” 

These are thoughts I want to figure out how to defuse from. They plague my mind. Catching them is the first step which is what I’m doing now. I’ve felt pretty good today and yesterday in general but even when I feel okay, these feelings still loom in the background. I want to truly detach from them. 

7:18 PM

At this moment I’m feeling down on myself, like no one wants me around and to a greater extent, never will. I’ve been feeling like this with everything. I feel like I can’t attend events, or play games with people, or like I can’t be sexually active because it’s not welcome from me. These are all beliefs I have about myself that are not true but it’s hard to shake them off. How can I stop feeling this way? Even if I identify the feelings as they happen, I don’t know how to lessen their effect. 

8:24 PM

Even if I feel bad about myself, the first thing I want to believe is that I am not alone. People care about me. And if it’s not as many people as I’d like, I have the capacity to expand my connection. It CAN be done. An equally noble priority is to stop feeling like I’m going nowhere. Like I’m stuck in one place where the only way I can go is down. I’m starting to take more interest in my art again. I have the desire to draw ponies along with new episode releases. In some way I also want to get more integrated into the furry community since I feel very outside of it. 

I’d like to believe my self esteem hasn’t gotten worse. I’ve just become aware of it and it’s extent. 

My heart hurts so deeply. At least I feel something. 

9:16 PM

Time to spill it all out. I feel pathetic. My life has gone nowhere. I have no one that loves me. No one is committed to me. I crave mutual companionship but I do not have it. I feel unworthy. Even if I pull myself together I’m just destined to stay alone and unhappy. I have no redeeming qualities, I’m convinced I’m just put up with by people. I’m so far below anyone’s league. I don’t deserve space on this earth. This is how I feel tonight. I’m crying about it, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wish I could stop feeling so worthless. I wish I could feel loved, by myself or from anyone else. The second I stop fighting for my survival, it’s over. There is no one to pull me up. I am all that keeps me afloat and sometimes it’s hard to hang on. 

I feel no hope. I’ve lost my friends and social networks. My art is lame, I’m not what I used to be. I don’t dream anymore. I feel like I slowly edge closer to the possibility that I could actually end it. I never thought I’d be the kind of person but here I am. I’m afraid one day I actually might want to. And if I tell anyone that, that’s a quick way to make people want to distant. I know no one wants that in the their life. 

I think the only thing that kept me from worsening depression in the past was my friends. I always had people that would hit me up or that I knew I could go to to hang out with. Now it’s one person that I actually feel connected to and that’s becoming unhealthy. Now I’m nearly completely alone so nothing will keep me from spiraling. 

I have dinner but I literally can’t eat it. I don’t want to eat. 

9:49 PM

I’m such a piece of shit. Being so selfish all the fucking time. I hate myself. Truly despise myself. For causing so much pain to everyone around me all the time just by being myself. And expecting love in return. What a fucking idiot. 

10:45 PM

I seriously have never felt this hopeless. If I feel like this tomorrow morning, I’m not doing work. I might not get to bed on time. I don’t care about trying to do anything. I want to give up. 

[edgepunk]

The Witcher Netflix Rant from your local frustrated Slav I cannot tell you how tired and frustrated I am by TWN and its treatment of Slavic people. An actual Polish man has pitched the show to Netflix, multiple other producers of Slavic descent have been alienated and felt like they didn't belong there because of how they have been treated, then ultimately left the production that has been handed over to a literal Karen that doesn't give a shit about it. The show has removed every instance of Slavic(mainly Polish)/other European (Germanic, Nordic) influences, cultural significance and turned it into an uninspired, boring, muddy fantasy. Hell, I have tons of criticisms about the games, but at least they kept the Central-Eastern European influences and, despite TW being a dark fantasy, weren't scared to make the games look bright and colorful. You'd think that Girlboss Lauren and her posse would put some effort into representing the cultural influences since the games pretty much got the series popular with the blend of different Central-Eastern European (mainly Polish, obviously) cultures and the usage of Slavic folk music thanks to Percival. A lot of the themes in the books draw from Poland's history, which also have been lost in the show (here is a post that's written by an actual Polish person and explains it better than I could since I'm not actually Polish, ya know). All of that has been lost, both the writing and aesthetics lack the cultural and historical significance that has influenced the world of The Witcher, because the showrunners are a bunch of Brits and USAmericans who aren't willing to put any effort into trying to understand the history and culture. They just want to make the next GoT, which,, huh? GoT ended up like it did, but to give them some credit, in the beginning the writers mostly stuck to the books instead of making a badly written Wattpad fanfiction from the get-go.

And it's possible for a western person to try to understand the circumstances, look at Craig Mazin, the man who directed HBO Chernobyl. Of course it's dramatized, of course they added some things that didn't actually happen and a few things were inconsistent. But you can clearly see in the production of the show that they put a lot of effort and interviewed people from Ukraine. Not sure if it's true, but I've seen somewhere (or was it a podcast?) that they gave the scripts to some Ukrainian people who were alive during the Soviet Union and asked them to correct the dialogues to make them sound more authentic, closer to how people adressed each other during the USSR (and how Eastern Slavs adress each other since it's a little different than western people do, including us Western Slavs, here is a nifty post explaining it if you're interested).

Can't speak for all Slavs, but the overall reaction has been positive from the people I talked to and my older family member. Note that a lot of "older" people here have been born pre '89 (that's when the USSR fell apart, the disaster happened in April '86), so the majority of them lived through the disaster. The biggest criticism people had that they turned Dyatlov into too much of a villain. when in reality he was way calmer during the night the disaster happened. Not to mention Mazin had it more difficult since he was adapting a story from real life that affected thousands upon thousands people. Mazin is a westener, he could've just shrugged it off and said "eh who cares about these filthy Eastern Euro people" but he and his team went out of their way to actually approach the victims, read several books written by people who actually lived through the disaster, that affected them and their families to make the story more authentic and respectful. Now, why can't Miss Lauren and her posse do it with a fantasy setting? Because they don't care. The only instance of "Slavic influence" (using that term very loosely) in the show is during the Striga episode when they mention a "vukodlak" which literally translates to "werewolf" so like,,, eh. It's still a werewolf, just a different version. I'm sure the writers were patting themselves on the back for including that word they found on the werewolf Wiki page. It would've been so nice to see a Slavic piece of media make it to Hollywood, but you see how that ended up. We barely get any recognition and if there is a Slavic character in a western production they're always: an assassin, gopnik, Seksi Female Spy that falls in love with the American, thief, mob boss, and I could go on. They never get the language right, because all Slavs speak botched Russian, right? All of us are named Anton, Ivan, Nikita, Natasha or Svetlana. And there are other mythical creatures besides Baba Yaga which Hollywood can't get right either. And it bleeds into the fandom too, all the modern AUs take place in the US or the UK. When other Slavic people criticize the show for its westernization they are told by westerners to shup up or they're "haters" (I do actually hate the show and the corpo bullshit Netflix is trying to pull here so,,, you can come at me all you want lol) tl;dr: The Witcher was the perfect opportunity for Slavs to have something positive in Hollywood, but it got doomed the moment it was handed to an USAmerican woman who doesn't understand the cultural influences and has zero interest in doing proper research. I probably would've forgiven her and her team if they actually tried, but they didn't. But seeing how other cultures that aren't USAmerican are being treated in movies and TV shows it shouldn't surprise me. Also I feel like I have to clarify - this has nothing to do with the actors, this is purely on the writers, the background and costume designers that put zero effort into researching the different cultures (not just Slavic, but I am Slavic so I wrote this from my perspective) that influenced The Witcher universe.

[charmixpower]

Curious...hcs about the girls and their sleepovers?

You caught me right when I was re-drawing the season 3 pajamas. Good timing 💞💞

Since they all live together sleep overs function a little different than normal sleepovers. Personally I like to imagine they grab a bunch of stuff from their rooms and all camp out in the middle sitting area that's in their dorm, and that's where the sleep over takes place. Or they all pile up into one of their rooms...namely Stella or Aisha who both have the big full rooms to themselves

They have like a little set of rules that if you don't get everything you want out of your room you can't get it after the sleep over actually starts. This was implemented by Bloom to make it more sleepover-y (unless they all decided to do their make up or something, but then you can only grab your make up)

I like to imagine they do this after something perticually stressful, like the season three sleep over when Tecna is back safe and sound, and they all just wanna know that they're all here; or after a big victory

I imagine that there aren't any in s1 because their all getting to know each other, and this is established in s2 when Aisha joins the club because they all decide to stay up one night and catch her up on literally everything that happened last season. It was a cute little thing that Stella and Flora thought up to help Aisha feel more included and it's just a thing they do now

Flora is one of those people who likes doing other people's hair, she just has the energy, so I'm imagining her grabbing a bunch of the Winx's hair products and styling all their hair while they talk. She will also do nails. Flora just kinda finds this stuff fun. Just moving to person to person. She's still tuned into the conversation, but she prefers listening most of the time

Tecna is pretty lost, especially the first time. Tecna has a lot of isolated kid enegry, and a fuck ton of isolated kid tendancys so she has no clue what the fuck is going on but she's happy to be included. Ends up correcting half of what Musa and Stella say and accidentally playing the straight man to Stella's more theatric tendencies. She doesn't care much about gossip, and she has strong preferences to how she looks so most of the chatter and random make up sessions go over her head, but anything like dancing or playing games together is really fun for her. Usually ends up info dumping about her most recent project at least once during the sleep over while everyone listens to her. When she get more comfortable with the set up, shes the one who looks up "sleep over ideas" and convinces Stella to let Bloom to do her make up blind folded because it was a good sleep over challenge. She is sewing chaos and she isn't even a little bit sorry

Aisha is also a very isolated kid, but she's not as confused as Tecna because she's been semi living with the pixies and Anne breaking into her room so like. She knows what's going on, but she sincerely is struggling to keep up with their strong personalitys, especially at first. She actually really appreciates the first one, especially because everyone loved hitting her with plot twists while telling her the story (aka telling her what they learned in order of how they learned it) so Aisha got to be included via her reactions to the wild shit that went down in season 1 ("You attacked Diaspro?!" "Yea—wait you know her?"). After Aisha gets more comfortable she's with Musa and Stella being high energy about hanging out with all of her friends. Aisha's favorite part is doing a bunch of weird things with the Winx. Like trying to bake a cake or playing a chose your own adventure game where they all vote on which option Tecna chooses (bc Tecna is the one playing of course). She'd probably try and teach how to do random things she picked up (like Musa and the rain dance) or talk about magic ingenuity esp with Tecna. Aisha's morphix is a substance she makes all on her own so I'd imagine she's super into magical chem. Oh my god Aisha totally gets them to try random (small and non explosive) convergence spells just to see what would happen and Bloom is an enabler

Bloomy is bringing the classic sleep over energy. She attempts to get everyone to play a board game before realizing between Aisha's competitive nature, Tecna's logical mind, and Stella being a sore loser that it was a horrible idea. Definitely makes everyone friendship bracelets with those little rubber bands in the cool patterns I could never figure out. Flora is probably messing with Bloom hair the most because Bloom has slightly long hair and isn't constantly moving like Musa, Stella and Aisha. She probably convinces everyone to grab all their pillows to make a pillow fort, this is set during the s3 Tecna is safe party, and they all fall asleep in their cuddle pile. Tucked next to eachother and underneath the fort. Usually the one most excited to go along with anyone idea of what they should do! Tho she also is the one that likes movie nights the most and tries to get everyone to sit together in a cuddle pile and talk over a movie fkskdnen because, bless their souls, Tecna Stella and Musa can't watch a movie without talking about what's happening on screen. Bloom picks intentionally bad movies after she learns this so the entertainment is more from everyone's reactions than the movie (well at least to her because she doesn't like bad movies, Musa is having a great time)

Musa is slightly more chill than Stella and Aisha but is very easily caught up in their energy. Usually the one engaging with Stella the most over whatever she wants to do now. Stella tends to tease Musa a lot because then Musa will get into a pillow fight with her. Musa absolutely records at least one music video during one of these sleep overs, with everyone just fucking around having fun. Usually protests the lastest stupid thing Stella, Aisha, or Tecna wants to do and ends up getting super into it. Musa also is the one that ends up trying to prank the other girls, no one is safe

Stella is being Stella, must I go on? She challenges people to pillow fights. Grabs everyone make up kits so she can do looks for them. Starts designing outfits for each girl with feedback right then and there. Does everyone's nails. Gossips about everything, and pries into everyone's business like it's her god given duty (Truth or Dare is used for evil, aka it's intended purpose). Uses everyone like her personal pillow, and is generally the life of the party. Stella gives off a lot of extroverted and hyper active enegry so she's practically bouncing off the walls she's so happy to be hanging out with everyone at once for a full night. She's the main reason no one really gets bored during these because she always manages to drag anyone looking left out back into the conversation with like two sentences. She gets Tecna to go on a rant about something completely niche and inconsequential but funny as fuck. Probably convinces everyone to do an impromptu photoshoot, she's just having fun fksndj

[sortasirius]

What the Fuck Happened to the SPN Finale?

Okay so here it is, my Charlie Kelly style manifesto.

Before I get into it, I recognize that I will look like this to many of you, and that’s okay, I understand:

Secondly, your personal Takes about the writers don’t interest me, I don’t need to hear them. This, as I’ll explain, is going to remain a writer positive blog, and that’s the end of it.

Third, and most importantly: some of what I’m going to talk about is fact, and some is highly educated speculation. I will notate what is speculation, just so there’s no confusion or hot takes in my inbox that I’m a conspiracy theorist or stirring shit up for no reason.

A list of what I’ll be discussing

The episode in regards to the rest of the season

The episode issues: length, editing

Scene placement and speculation of scenes cut

The scrubbing of Jack, Cas, Eileen

Network involvement and general timeline of when things were cut

Misha: theories on where he was, official company line, why we can’t expect to hear anything directly

The silence of the cast post episode (in Misha’s case, mid episode) and what this might mean

Jensen speaking with Kripke about the ending: why it doesn’t mean what you might think (also why kripke remained positive on the ending)

Walker, and why this episode had a major shift

Why the network would do this or get involved

Why the writers of the show simply aren’t the bad guys here, and what I “want” out of this post, since I know it’ll get asked

This is very long and under a cut, but I hope you’ll give it a read.

The Episode In Regards to the Rest of the Season

So, I’ve discussed this already here, but it’s the most obvious thing to me, and that’s the way this episode simply doesn’t fit with the rest of the season.

These people in this room have, truly, been nothing but consistent when it comes to their arcs, especially this season, and the marked dropoff in quality for the finale episode is just too sus to discount to me.  Dabb’s whole focus has been character-based.  In his seasons, we’ve moved far away from MOTW and bro-codependency, the found family taking it’s place.  Does it really sit right to anyone that that was all thrown away in literally the last episode of the entire show?

This is speculation on my part, but as a writer myself, there is no way I would be happy or willing to stamp my name on something that I didn’t think would, at the very least, wrap up the season+ character arcs that I and my team had been crafting.

And before anyone comes in here saying, “well GOT did that!”  Bruh.  The writing was on the wall for GOT long before the final episode.  You could tell that the showrunners just wanted to be done (not only from the plot, but from the fact that they lobbied for a shorter season).  Miss me with that, it doesn’t apply here.  Andrew has, besides Singer and J2, been with the show longer than anyone.  He cares, he is meticulous and detailed, and this ending feels worse than anything Bucklemming has ever written, let alone Dabb.

Additionally, I’ve seen a lot of people say that Dabb was never behind Destiel, that it was all Bobo and Meredith and no one else.  That is reductive to the point of insult of the work Dabb has done to get this greenlit.  This man did not write the s13 Dean grief arc to be slandered like this.  That being said, YES, Bobo and Meredith were the leads on the DeanCas arc this season, but ANDREW IS THE SHOWRUNNER, TO GET EVEN THE CONFESSION APPROVED BY THE NETWORK HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE THEIR BACKS.  AND HE DID.

Finale Issues

So, now that we’ve gotten the fact that this episode doesn’t hit on any of the major themes the show was barrelling towards all season, let’s discuss the fact that the episode is just...weird.

Not only is it shorter than any other episode (I think with the intro and the credits/crew thing at the end, it was around 38 mins), but it was also...idk, 90% filler?

One of the lovely humans in the POLOL server did the legwork here, and broke it down:

This is weird, y’all.  Most series finales are LONGER than normal (Lost, SOA, Longmire are the ones I can think of off the top of my head), and for the final episode to be this?  I saw more than one person point out that we only really needed 19 episodes, what was the point of 20?  AND THAT’S EXACTLY IT?  WHAT WAS THE POINT OF THIS FINAL EPISODE IF THIS WAS ALL WE WERE SUPPOSED TO GET?

It simply doesn’t make any sense, the first half of the episode was rushed, a final monster hunt gone wrong, but in the second half?  Nothing really happened?  Sam lived his entire life and Dean just drove around.  It doesn’t make sense to have all the emotional arcs left unaddressed in an episode that definitely needed some kind of spark.

Here’s the speculation I have: the episode seemingly went through a lot of changes between the initial inception of the final season and when we actually got it, but I think it would have been passable (as in, we wouldn’t be sitting here asking each other why each arc feels incomplete) until the editing room got ahold of it.  The only think that makes this episode make sense is network fuckery.  Truly, that is the only thing.  It explains the weird, cuts, the rushed pacing of the first half followed by nothing in the second half, the double montages of “Wayward Son” back to back, and Dean just...driving around for the last half of the episode.

Scene Placement and Speculation of Scenes Cut

Before I get into this section, the info of the shots in the episode I have come from a source that @occamshipper​ got a week or so before the finale.  She’s talked about this here.

So here’s what Min was given:

1-5: 1 INT MEN OF LETTERS – DEAN’S ROOM Dean is greeted by Miracle

6-10: 6 INT MEN OF LETTERS – HALLWAY/SAM’S ROOM Sam has his routine

D1 1 11-15: 15 EXT FARM HOUSE Establishing

N1 1/8 16-20: 19 Dad’s journal, marker, drawing of masked man in journal.

21-25: 23 INT IMPALA – PMP Driver picks the music

N2 1 3/8 1,2 26-30: 28pt2 INT BARN: A face from the past

28pt3 Sam and Dean say goodbye

28pt4 Shot early for technical reasons, presumably the overhead shot

N2 31-45: 41 INT MEN OF LETTERS – SAM’S ROOM Sam’s alarm goes off D4 1/8 1 46-60: 56 INT N7glasses for Sam, laptop.

So...it all fits right?  It all tracks with the actual episode, where it lands, etc.  The issue is between shots 29-40 which were apparently “too big to spoil.”  Uh.  Where are they?  And where’s 28 pt4?

After Dean dies, the next scene is Sam burning him, then shot 31, the shot of his alarm going off.

So.  Where are those 11ish shots?

PLUS we have the boards, which are scenes we KNOW were actually shot:

As well as scenes for 20 that were shot in 19.

It’s just...weird, it’s weird and again hits on the fact that the episode is so short and like 80% montage.

The Scrubbing of Jack, Cas, and Eileen

So now we have to reckon with the fact that Eileen was last mentioned by Sam after she got snapped by Chuck, Jack’s last mention is that he’s off being God somewhere, and Cas’ last mention is a ~knowing look~ between Dean and Bobby.

I’m sorry, make it make sense:

????????  That’s the end if it?  They don’t need to be discussed after this???  It’s just simply not something a writer would do, they would not introduce these characters, these arcs, without thinking there’s going to be some kind of follow through here.

So not only were three major characters (including two leads and both of the original characters’ love interests) completely wiped from the finale episode, it was as though Sam and Dean never even needed them, which just...ain’t it.

So why Eileen and Jack too?  Why not just take Cas out of it if they were afraid of the gay?  Because, ultimately, the episode went back to Kripke’s original story: just the bros, they only need each other and no one else.  They don’t want anyone else, they don’t need anyone else.  Easier to go back to something they knew was successful than trust the writers and their audience and take a big leap.

Alex even said he shot for 20 with “some of the guys” here.  What happened to that footage?

The complete 180 of it all still shocks me, I still cannot believe that we were essentially at the finish line, and the network just stopped short, and decided to go run another race, at the expense of the arc of this fifteen year legacy show.

Network Involvement and When Things Were Cut

Okay, now into the juicy stuff.

So I’ve pretty well established that network fuckery is clear, but how much did they get involved, what was the original intent?

Well again, we may never actually know what Andrew’s original script was, but I think, at the least, it would involve Dean speaking his truth to Cas and Sam living a life with Eileen.

Now, it seems today, that Misha said that Jimmy Novak was supposed to be in the finale in one iteration of the script, and while initially my brain was like “that truly makes no sense and he’s either straight up lying or telling a half truth,” I think what may be happening is Misha talking about as much as he can right now.

So Jimmy right.  Weird as fuck.  Why would he been in the Roadhouse and not Cas?  My current thought (this is about as reachy as I’ll get) is that Jimmy had no lines, could he have been in the Roadhouse as a red herring, like it said “Jimmy” in the script but it was just Cas in human clothes, a way to get around the network saying Cas couldn’t be in the final scene.  Also, you’ll notice that Misha didn’t say that Cas wasn’t supposed to be in the ep at all, just Jimmy in the last scene.

All this to say, there have clearly been multiple versions of the script, getting lighter and lighter with Cas and Eileen as the network pulled further and further back.  Remember, Dabb has to get things approved before they get shot, and if the network kept asking and asking and asking to cut Cas and Eileen, he had to find a way to work around it.  Granted, I still think that if we had been able to get a Dabb script that wasn’t torn to shreds in editing, it wouldn’t be so bad.  It may not be what a lot of us wanted (Dean speaking his truth to Cas and a reciprocation), but doing everything he could to give it to us in subtext or visual clues.

Plus, in all honesty, my man can’t keep his story straight anyway.  He said twice in his panel that the Empty and offscreen Heaven ending weren’t his original ending either.

In addition, remember that Jensen did ADR post episode 18, AND said in a meet and greet last weekend that Dean’s reaction to Cas’ confession was “cut down.” (Source here).  Many of us clowns got excited when we first heard about ADR, because we thought it would be upping the ante on Dean’s reaction, but I remember being a little sus when it was just crying.  My speculation on that is that they cut out Dean actually SAYING something, @winchestersingerautorepair​ spoke about that here.

The biggest sins were, in my opinion, committed during editing, where the network got too gun shy and sliced the episode until it was nothing but a heartless bro-fest of a finale, not mentioning anything about the other major characters that we all love, and letting the boys just suffer in separation until Sam died and finally joined Dean in Heaven.  The editing came by cutting all the major emotional beats between anyone other than Dean and Sam, leaving the skeleton of the story intact, just shorter and less...poignant than it was ever supposed to be.

Misha

We know Misha was in Vancouver, we know he quarantined, but we also know he wasn’t in the final scene, when he spoke about being in the last moment of the show months ago.  We were not crazy, he was there, he quarantined, and, in all likelihood (speculation but fitting with the timeline), he actually may have shot something (not much, but something).

I have sources here, here, here, and here showing where Misha was at that time.

Remember, the man was completely open about coming back until they finished shooting (look at this thread).  The switch happened, just like everything else, halfway through them shooting.

Please also remember Jake Abel posting his “Where’s Misha” video here.  Jake isn’t malicious, he isn’t being nasty here.  Misha was there, and everyone that’s trying to convince people he’s wasn’t just...isn’t telling the truth about it.

This is one of the things that makes me really mad, because they’re literally attempting to gaslight people into thinking, “oh we were totally wrong he was never supposed to be there” WHEN HE WAS THERE, WE KNOW HE WAS THERE.

So we’ve already heard from several people (Meghan Fitzmartin, Jay, a PA on the set of 19 (WHO WAS NOT WORKING FOR 20), Misha himself) that this was all down to Covid restrictions.  Ultimately, as this post says, we’ve heard FIVE versions of where Misha was.  None of it makes sense, but the Covid protocol seems to be the company line that others are repeating.

You may ask: why?  Why lie to all of us when we have questions?  Why, in Jay’s case, say that we’re all spreading false lies to stir up trouble, when we just have questions and things that do not make sense.  Simply?  Warner Brothers is absolutely massive.  These people have their careers to protect and are likely all under NDAs.  They want to work for WB again and don’t want to burn bridges, including Misha.  It sucks, but that’s why it’s unlikely that we’ll hear someone come out and say, “yeah we’re lying to you.”

Silence of the Cast Post Episode

So this is...probably the worst part of all this, at least in my opinion.

The guys had all been pretty excited about the end of the show (especially Jared, but Jensen’s panel last week was Jensen as happy and jokey and positive as I’ve ever seen him.  He was so excited about episode 18, about what it meant for Dean and for Cas, and I just cannot buy that he would have been that excited unless he thought there was something more in the episode.

Misha live-tweeted the episode, and was watching it with his kids.  It’s well known that Misha and the kids don’t watch the show because it’s too scary, and let’s ask ourselves, why would he have them watch an episode that he’s barely even mentioned in?

He also stopped live-tweeting at a very specific point in the episode (Dean’s death) and has not mentioned Supernatural since then. 

None of them, not Jared, Jensen, Misha, or even Alex, said anything about the episode for nearly 36 hours, when Jensen posted a salty photo on instagram.  It’s just...not what you’d expect for the end of a 15 year show, when the cast and crew are so close to the fans, so close to each other. 

My theory?  They didn’t know.  They thought Misha was, at least, going to be in the episode in some way, and when he wasn’t, they decided not to say anything.

You really think that Jensen “Heller” Ackles would have been so excited about the end of the show last week if he thought Cas wasn’t going to be in it at all?  Nah son, doesn’t make any sense.

Even today, in Jared and Misha’s panels, they seemed sad and...more than a little careful, both saying that there were things they couldn’t say, both talking around things that we all have questions on.

Jensen Speaking with Kripke

So this is where a lot of people are getting fodder to take shots at the writers, saying that Jensen hated it from the beginning, but I don’t think so.  I actually think I know what Jensen went to him about, and it wasn’t the lack of Cas or the weird pacing or the montages (which I don’t think were there when Jensen got the script); I think it was the manner of Dean’s death.

I know a lot of people were upset about that, upset with how...normal it was, coming off an episode where they literally beat God.  I actually didn’t mind it, I thought it was an interesting thematic take to be like: you can be a hero all your life, but sometimes shit happens, and you just die.

But imagine how hard that was for Jensen to read.  He would run to Kripke for that, because for him, Dean dying by being impaled by a piece of rebar had to be tough to swallow.

So, why didn’t Kripke say that?  Why didn’t he say, “oh well he had a problem with Dean’s death, none of that other stuff was in the script.”

Guys.  Why would he get involved?  He’s not going to burn bridges any more than anyone else is.  He said the ending was good because it’s the easy thing to do, it’s simple, will cause him no problems in his career, and he can just ignore the people trying to engage with him on it.

Walker

Something else to talk about is the major shift this episode had from the rest of the season: the shift from Dean to Sam.  I am NOT saying that Sam isn’t important, he definitely, absolutely is, but it was DEAN who really needed to wrap up his arc, Sam just needed to move on, get married to Eileen, become the leader he was always meant to.  So what changed?  What was with the shirtless scene, the Austin number and random case there, most of the episode being heavily Sam focused, going through his entire life in a montage?

Anyone else notice the 375 Walker promos, or Jared’s little spiel about Walker and how he hoped SPN fans would “come along for the ride.”

It’s...kinda obvious?  CW wanted to appeal to who they think the key demographic of SPN and Walker is: rural areas in the South.  It would explain a lot, why so much editing, why so Sam focused, the Austin number, the number of Walker promos, all of it.

I’m not saying this is fact, I don’t know that it is, but it is a little suspicious that even in Jared’s panel today, he talked A LOT about Walker and how he hopes SPN fans will watch it.

Why Would the Network Get Involved?

Simply put: $$$

If they think Walker can be the new SPN, and that those crazy SPN fans liked it originally, it’s a lot safer to go with the “original intent” of the show than do something risky (like making one of your two original leads queer).

And?  They don’t care.  They don’t care that the episode didn’t make sense, they don’t care that all the emotional arcs were left hanging, they don’t care by (potentially) smashing together two of Dean’s monologues (one to Sam, one to Cas) that it came of as...gross. ( @curioussubjects​ wrote a beautiful post showing how part of that death speech was likely meant for Dean here).  They don’t care, they never have, they just want to make their money and move on from the too-loud fandom that fought for representation too hard for too long.

It can’t help but feel insidious, which, honestly, it might be, but it really all comes down to the next cash cow, which, they think, is Walker, even at the cost of the fifteen year legacy show.

The Writers and What I Want

So here it is, all this weird, sus shit laid out on the line.  And you know what?  To me, there is no way to blame the writers, because they didn’t want this.

I don’t think Dabb and Bobo would have gone ahead with the confession in 18 without thinking that there would be some closure to that arc, they wouldn’t have done that not only to the fans, but for the sake of their own story as well: no writer wants to start something that they can’t finish. (And this applies to both Cas and Eileen).

Here’s a basic rundown of what I think happened: they had a clear arc from 18-20, ending in reciprocation at some level from Dean, Sam marrying Eileen, Hunter Sam as the new Bobby, Dean in heaven with Cas and big roadhouse reunion at the end. Covid prevented a good amount of that. Network had to stare at big gay 18 for six months, got cold feet. Thought about Walker, target audience and alienation of the rural areas if it went full gay. Misha quarantined and likely shot something (not much), he was then cut by execs and went home. They likely added in lines referencing Eileen and Cas to make it clear but more subtextual. They wrap, editing gets it and hacks it to pieces, so we get a shorter episode that’s mostly montages and jarringly bro-centric with nothing else. Arcs are left hanging. Dabb gets episode but it’s too late, there’s nothing he can do. Actors aren’t told so they can continue to do positive PR for the ending, they all found out at the same time we did: hence almost complete silence about the finale.

And you know what?  They warned us.  I talked about it here, but they’ve been telling us all season that Chuck wasn’t the writer, he’s the network.  I don’t think, still, that they thought it would be cut up like this, into something so unsalvageable that it’s been panned by almost everyone, even people who didn’t care much about Dean and Cas.

Finally, a masterpiece can be ruined by editing, and while I’m not sure even the script they ended up shooting on was a masterpiece (due to the network meddling already), but to me it’s blatantly obvious that it’s no one but the network that caused this, that took away closure for Dean, Cas, and even Sam.

So what do I want?  Nothing really, there’s nothing we can do, but I wrote this mostly to show people that the writers are not your enemy.   In fact, to the people trashing them?  You’re doing exactly what the CW wants you to: blame the obvious targets, blame Misha, blame Jensen and Jared, blame Dabb.  Scream and yell at them on Twitter and about how the show is ruined because of them.  The network keeps their engagement levels high, they don’t get as targeted for their behavior, and just keep moving along.

Just, please, think about who did this,  Mourn the show, be angry, but not at the people who fought tooth and nail for this for literal years, not the people who wanted it more than we did, not the people who cannot say anything because of their careers and the NDAs they’re bound by.

Someone is going to spill eventually, but until then, we just have to wait, and continue to be loud.