#and then *that* shit happened and I lost literally all of my drawings including this one

[pyr0peyt]

Lil' smoochie :]

[youronlylie]

hello people in my phone

BOONE head cannon list, just a mix of stuff that'll probably change later ( THERE WILL BE MORE ) 1/?

• He undoubtedly was ripped/heavily worked out being in the ncr, after moving to novac and loosing his wife he undoubtedly lost a lot of muscle but...guys he still is literally like beefed.

• He cannot fucking cook for shit, he understands what shouldn't be put in your body but from there he has no clue.

• Going off of cooking, he has strict times where he eats, like routine from the ncr.

• For some reason he strikes me as a guy who really enjoys fruit whenever he can get his hands on it.

• Cannot tolerate any sort of spice.

• Smells very mettalic, sweaty, like man must.

• Has a soft spot for cats.

• 1000% is not bald, just shaves his head as he probably prefers the look.

• I feel like with a romantic partner, since he isn't one much for talking his love language would be physical touch or gift giving, I could imagine him seeing stuff he knows they'd like and saving it for later, excited to see how they'd react.

• He would definitely have a special place in his heart for fantasy movies, he doesn't seem to be able to express himself well and I feel like the creativity of something like lord of the rings would get him going.

• I seriously cannot pick so I'll include both, he is either an extreme cuddler with a romantic partner or on very rare occasions, he's just terrible at expressing emotion.

• If the courier and him are something like romantic partners he'd definitely never be able to sleep, often awake staring and listening for noises, waiting for the next cascade of legionares but it never happens and he eventually learns that.

• I don't think he'd ever get married again unless it'd be over 20 or so years in the future, it's a type of commitment that I don't think he could mentally handle whatsoever unless he is totally over Carla.

• I definitely do think boone could find love again in another person, he's scared and alone, fearful for any sort of attachment.

• 10000% has really really nice man hands, like large hands with nice fingers.

• Is definitely tall but not close to arcade tall, 6' ish at MOST, I just feel like looking at his build and concept art that he is definitely a tall man.

• Secretly really has a thing for drawing whenever he can, especially when he was nested at novac, sitting up top the dinosaur scribbling stuff on old receipts or whatever else it helps him get his emotions and thoughts out.

• irl he would be so patriotic it's not even funny, like he'd go all out for fourth of July but is the somber type so he'd cook hot dogs and whatever else then sit in the corner and watch everyone else.

• Has a thing for memorizing features, very very very intuitive and will remember almost anything you tell him.

• He is so the type of guy to enjoy snow, like yeah he'd probably be kinda pissy for a bit but if you pushed his buttons enough I feel like he'd mess around with the courier.

• He absolutely like no doubt has nightmares, like the ones where you erupt in cold sweat and your throat is sore.

• If he does sleep like ever, along with nightmares he grips the sheets, rolls around a whole lot, mumbles. In the ncr he was the total opposite, stone faced, layed straight and slept some what peacefully until later on in his ncr years.

• Yearns for someone, even platonic, to just sit beside him, no words and scratch his back and kinda just touch him lightly. I don't think he'd cry but it's something I could imagine would bring him close to tears.

• He absolutely probably finds almost everyone annoying, like, he just is done with everything and doesn't give two shits about what anyone has to say unless the courier puts some sense into him.

• Really disagrees with gambling, just doesn't like it.

• Wishes he had a nice farm house, out somewhere away from everything, where it has everything he needs and could be away from absolutely everyone. ( of course after extracting revenge on the legion )

• He wants to learn how to play guitar, either he has tried and is horrible or has just never gotten the chance, I have a feeling he'd really be into (irl) like classic rock or something smooth.

• Cannot look at people with features his wife had the same, down to personality or looks.

• Absolutely dreads deep down without realizing going back to novac when the courier disbands him.

• He would like having books read to him, he's a listener not a reader, likes hearing people's voices just not his own.

• At a point probably had a nickname for his rifle, something like Beth or something that was a joke between him and Manny.

• Manny 1000% at a point tried hinting to boone or even confessing his love for him, either the point never got across or they got over it together. ( somewhat ish at a point )

• In all reality I play him out to be a really sweet guy, which I can imagine and he can somewhat tend to be but he ultimately really doesn't care, he'll kill in order to get what he wants ( so be it revenge or whatever else ) even if he isn't necessarily fond of it.

• At a point, consumed by guilt he forgets what Carla looks like and that eats him up inside, like the teeth gritting soul crushing ache for revenge, and a year or two leads him to completely forget her complexion.

[empty-movement]

sorry but please... post your akio plastic covered couch tweet here... the world needs to know...

Warning: pics of gross shit happening on the couches

I'll do you one better and include the STORY! So, I, Vanna (note: Yasha mostly does the Tumblr and I mostly do the Twitter,) was smoking enough weed to knock out a large horse or put a very tiny dent in my constant back and shoulder pain, as one does when when they're a middle-aged Registered Nurse in the year 2023. (I'm 39 but it's an old 39, lmao.)

Scrolling through Twitter, I stumble on a fanart of Suletta from Witch of Mercury sitting goofily on a white couch. Now I haven't seen this show yet, but the white couch....looked familiar, and I know the show is very much a descendent of Utena in terms of creative teams. For those that don't know, the series is written by Ichirō Ōkouchi, who also wrote the two Revolutionary Girl Utena novelizations...which if you didn't know about before, you know about now, and can read translated on our site here! (Warning: Touga and Miki uh, in the novels...)

Anyways, so I hop onto my own website and start downloading the images that will constitute receipts, before realizing 1. these images are all on multiple computers feet away from me, 2. the couch isn't an identical match, 3. that'd have been weird anyway, and most importantly, 4:

AKIO'S COUCHES DON'T LOOK RIGHT. OBSERVE:

The edges of the armrests have sloppier upholstery than the blanket I have covering my computer desk. I took the time to tuck seams at least. What is this??

Now it could absolutely be leather, I thought. It would absolutely track. But leather upholstery doesn't look like this. It doesn't wrinkle quite this way. It would have cleaner seams.

No. No that's too shiny for leather. So here I am, presented with this strangeness I'd never really considered in how Akio's couch is drawn, and having spent the last few months learning about my Italian-American family history, my chemically altered ass came to the only reasonable conclusion:

Akio Ohtori has plastic coverings on his white couches, like he's a depression era American in poverty.

Fuck yeah, I though, A HIT TWEET, there, at the end of all Tweeting things. (Yeah I'm working on that, stay tuned, lmao. I of all people know when to bail on stupid men with stupid power.) Because I am me, I framed it as semi serious by pulling a context to explain it out of my ass:

I was joking.

But the replies? They were not. And then I thought about it some more. And I've kept thinking about it. Do I seriously think Ikuhara and Co literally are intentionally drawing a plastic covered couch? Doesn't that feel, Vanna, like a bit of a stretch, even for Utena meta?

Listen to that CRONCH when Akio sits down in episode 31, before Anthy is seen by Nanami. Look, the buttons on the back rest don't quite fit, but the rest? Yeah it kinda does. I was high, but not wrong!?

Akio *does* surround himself with a bizarre hodgepodge of Americana as an aesthetic. The arm garters. The piping and cut of his cowboy-ass shirt. His American car. His mullet. His miniature fucking golf. Why not the plastic covered couch? It's a trope of American poverty that would absolutely have fallen neatly into the diet of American pop culture that influenced Ikuhara. (He makes references to E.T. and The Godfather and Suspiria and all kinds of things in his other work, Utena itself is a little less obvious with individual references but inherits HUGE amounts of vibes from the same content--Ikuhara and Co watched Lost Highway in theaters during the production of the Akio Arc and I will not be convinced otherwise.)

So yeah. That's the story, and that's the theory. Do I seriously believe it was deliberate? Maybe. Probably. Possibly. But it fits so well it's headcanon for me, and in the Utena fandom, pretty much all canon is kind of headcanon so enjoy this one.

What an asshole.

[slushglow]

EMO USAGI LORE DROP + BONUS (W/ TW !!)

just want to start by saying sorry it took me eighty five yrs to even post this thats super my bad hahaha

this basically explains how yuichi lost his markings and came to run away from his family, i just did this little comparison drawing of when he's a kid (age 11) to when he's a little older (age 17) and then word vommed everything i could into two pages HAHAHA

i know my handwriting is so shit im so sorry, i meant to find the original google doc and/or procreate file to copy and paste the text or at least retype it here BUT I CANT FIND EITHER OF THEMMMM i am literally going insane, i'm on my phone rn or i would be typing all of this out asap but tumblr hates me on mobile and it's also like 3 am but i PROMMY i will get around to retyping everything in a much easier to read format instead of yall zooming in three thousand times to read the hieroglyphs that is my handwriting HAHAHA i'll def edit this when i get the chance and do just that so pls bear w me </3 when i finally find the google doc i will also include it bc it has a ton more info !!!!!

anyways if y'all have any comments questions or concerns pls don't be afraid to drop an ask i would also love to just word vom abt my version of yuichi + leo and yuichi + the others bc they r very dear to me !!!

there's a bonus image under the cut that shows child yuichi moments after getting his scar, just warnin y'all again !!!! don't worry it's not super graphic tho, u also cant see the actual injury !!

TW // DEPICTION OF BLOOD AND INJURY

this is the following moment after he gets his scar

the overall shock from the events of the day (losing his brother, watching him die, having to face his grandfather) means he barely even reacts when it happens but at the same time it's kinda like this epiphany hits him that he can't stay anymore u know :/ idk i didn't intend on making him such a tragic character but here we are !!! LMAO

ANYWAYSSS thanks so much for sticking around guys i uber appreciate u all B) again if u have any questions comments or concerns don't be afraid to hit up my ask box !! okay i'm finally done now HAHAHA

[hils79]

Hils Watches Mysterious Lotus Casebook - Ep 27

Fang Duobing: I'm really angry with you for letting me think you got killed by zombies Also Fang Duobing: MUST PROTECT THE BOYFRIEND I AM ANGRY WITH

Aww come on I thought you were friends now

They both care about him now 🥺

The way Fang Duobing ran to catch him when he fainted 🥺

The protector is now the protected. This is all too much.

OH SHIT! He just revealed himself to everyone including Fang Duobing to save Fang Duobing's life. There is so much happening in this episode.

Nooooo! She took away their A-Fei!

God, I knew it would be heartbreaking when Fang Duobing found out. The way he immediately runs to Li Lianhua when he collapses but then draws short of touching him because everything is different now. My heart!

Props to Zeng Shunxi for his acting. Fang Duobing looks like he's aged about ten years in the time it took for Li Lianhua to wake up

I shouldn't laugh because this is heartbreaking to watch but yes, he has, in more ways than one

Now he's crying. This is horrible. I just want to wrap him in a blanket and cuddle him.

I do feel bad for Li Lianhua. He just got used to having people in his life again that he can trust and he lost both of them in the space of about an hour

I'm placing a bet now that he's faking not remembering anything that happened after he left seclusion so he can stealthily find out what Jiao Liqiao is up to

I am laughing at her having all her men on stanby though in case Di Feisheng woke up and immediately tried to kill her

Yeah, he's acting way too heterosexual for this to be anything other than a ruse

Well, he kept a piece of Di Feisheng's under armour so I suppose I'm not surprised he kept the broken flute too

Oh no :D

I literally had to pause this for five minutes because I was laughing so hard. This dude just came right out and said 'don't you think it's sus that Di Feisheng suddenly isn't gay anymore'

Usually when they show part of the face of the mysterious mastermind I can fairly easily figure out who it is. I have no idea who this dude is though.

[meoproject]

some doodles with my characters.... some of these have already been posted separately, but there's some new ones also

If you're still here, have some explanations: "Heraldry" -- Just a small coat of arms design to symbolize the nation/race/species Beriith belongs to (I still don't have a name for them lol :/ ) ... yeah its a goat with a demon tail, what about it "Aging" -- Kid Beriith and... current day Beriith. He was always a serious kid, but definitely not as troubled as he is now. I like the idea of drawing my characters as children, but I genuinely don’t enjoy drawing children… kids generally don’t have the features I like drawing the most (like prominent nose shapes) so I often don’t, but I wanted to think about how Beriith’s horns looked before they grew in. "T-shirt" -- girl im so sorry about your booba "Eligori's new clothes" -- I thought about Eligori's design, and decided that I didn't like the direction I took his outfit to. There was a reason for it (mostly I wanted to differentiate him from Beriith) but it didn't really work. There's some fun symbolism in this one too, though its so subtle only I get it. "Swap" -- What lf Beriith was an elf and Val was… whatever demon species Beriith is. I... kinda… hate how naked Beriith looks without his horns, and Val is giving me “smurfette as succubus” so that sucks also. The only thing I like is that this would be a pretty fun height difference. Absolutely cursed otherwise, though. "Portrait" -- Portrait of Val for her toyhou.se profile. Literally just included this to fill some space. "Argument" -- Beriith and Val both can get pretty argumentative when pushed. Beriith isn't even hard to push into an argument; there are things he's very opinionated about, he is... weird about being told what to do, and he rarely cares about being polite, soooo.... Val generally tries to play nice longer than Beriith would, but she has her limits, and once she reaches said limits, she gets super snarky and verbally aggressive. "Gift" -- When Val was a child, she used to idolize her aunt, like, a lot. Her aunt was a cool archmage who dared to speak against their family's shitty expectations, and even as a young child Val realized that was what she also wanted to be. Her aunt eventually distanced herself from their family, and ceased all contact, but before she left, she gave Val one of her hair ribbons as a gift. Val has treasured it ever since, and to this day, over 20 years later, she still ties her hair with it. "Pears" -- There is a specific pear cultivar that mainly grows around the region Beriith lived in before.... shit happened, and he became the world-traveling bodyguard-for-hire he is now. The pear is known for it sour taste that requires cooking to become sweet, and them raw is something of an acquired taste. Sometimes Beriith comes across them and can't help but get one, and feel just a bit more hollow inside as he is reminded of everything he has lost. He doesn't even like the flavor. It's just emotional self-harm, really.

[orinthered]

Dragon's Dogma having only one save file may be a design choice (I know of at least one major thing you're referring to), but in actual practice, it just means that some people are objectively going to lose progress or have very negative experiences with the game

To that point, I started a new DD1 file before DD2's release and I ran into an issue where I just kept freezing on random load screen, right as it was autosaving, so my save file kept getting corrupted. Lost like 5 hours of progress from the start of the game, had to do it all over again, then it happened again in a different spot. The only reason I was able to make any meaningful progress until I figured out the issue was by making manual backups

I'm honestly terrified of the same thing happening with Dragon's Dogma 2 and have actually been stopping my play sessions periodically just to make a manual backup, then loading back in. Not even including the in-game event(s) that can royally screw your playthrough, that is a completely unnecessary fear that the devs have chosen to create, which is particularly egregious considering the mountain of performance and crashing issues people have been experiencing due to poor optimization

People who want to save scum or simply want the security of backups are always going to find the means to do so regardless of what the devs intend. I mean, DD1 had a mod that automatically backed up your save file and it was already retooled for DD2 literally on release day. To inconvenience all players purely for the sake of encouraging a specific play style is, quite frankly, insulting to peoples' time. Plenty of games manage to create compelling exploration experiences and interesting points of consequence and tension without tying any of it to some random, severely limiting mechanic or design choice

I say all of this as someone who's currently 40 hours in and is loving the exploration (which evokes that first time experience of playing Breath of the Wild), but who absolutely abhors the notion of having to repeat a 20+ minute long trek because I got to a quest area to save an NPC from some monster and the NPC ends up falling in the water literally as soon as I arrive, causing the game to auto-save because the quest is now "complete" (failed). Or, suddenly all of my pawns have swan dived into a river due to pathfinding issues or climbing movement quirks, causing me to waste time, rift crystals, or ferrystones to recuperate. Or, being forced to automatically talk to a passing NPC/pawn during a fight, causing my escort NPC to draw aggro and die while I'm trying to mash out of the dialogue menu

Defend the vision of players needing to pay attention and sit with their consequences all you'd like, but small, dumb shit like that is honestly infuriating and it happens way more often than it should

i get that this is annoying but i also think that if the ability to savescum existed in the game, everyone would do it. would i necessarily complain about multiple saves in a game like dragon's dogma? probably *not*, but i would miss the experience of being forced to engage with the game in a way i would not if i had access to multiple saves. i found myself missing this in baldur's gate 3 — because i had the ability to savescum things like rolls, i never played with the consequences of failing rolls.

is that a failure of those game systems? yeah. larian wants you to engage with failed rolls, but how many players do you know actually do that? who don't just press f9 when they get a shit roll?

you can dislike these systems, that's fair. but dragon's dogma fills a lot of niches that other games do not. one of these niches is a one-save system that forces you to engage with the game by making you play the game with your consequences, or suffer some really annoying backtracking with the inn save system. i do not think that every game has to appeal completely to every person. if you think dragon's dogma is insulting to your time, that's fine. if you think the execution is bad (which i could argue for, even though i really like what dd2 does) that is also fine. not every aspect of the game is gonna be a hit, god knows there's a particular section of dd2 that i think was a real miss (those who've beaten the game know exactly what i'm talking about) but i mean... there are reasons for it, infuriating or not. that is also part of the experience.

[james-is-not-here]

Venting

Imagining random shit to try and fall asleep when it full on hit me that I'm an age regresser...

Like I knew I wanted to be smaller so to speak and I wanted to be like a child but it finally hit me. Not only that, it hit me that I think I'm doing it to cope.

The last few years of my teen hood weren't that great. I lost my Papaw, lost my best friend. Then we were scammed out of a house and had to move in with my grandma and during the time at my grandma's I was experimenting and while doing so I kept secrets. I hid everything from my parents and at the same time someone in my family was going down a dark path, went to a shitty hospital for it which made the dark path even darker and my secrets were apart of that too, I started to feel safer at school rather than my own home.

Then I graduated, my family finally moved out of my grandma's house and slowly but surely the tiny thread I had connected to the family member started to weave itself back together but only now am I realizing that I didn't feel like being "small" until after all this happened.

I use to feel independent and could do things on my own but now? Now I'm scared. I'm scared that my art won't get me to where I want to be, I'm scared that I'll always be by myself and my friends will forget me, I'm now scared to be independent and this all happened after a graduated. I don't have a schedule to follow, I don't have anywhere to go, I don't have a set plan to follow anymore and now all I do is sit around and do random shit on my phone.

For crying out loud, I can't even finish a fucking request or stand alone fics. I start it but then I stop and I feel so shitty for leaving all of you hanging but I also appreciate that no one has hated on me for it, that you're still waiting and I'm sorry that it's taking me so long to get things out.

This started out as me realizing I want to be cared for and held and babied but now I realize just how fucking scared I've become. How Co-Dependent I've become all because I'm not at school anymore like seriously? What happened to the person that willingly auditioned for their first solo in band? What happened to person that helped create a club for their school? What happened to the person that literally offered their skills to a teacher to make posters? What happened to the person that would give more than 100% in school projects that included drawing something?

Why did I step back into my shell? Why did I go back to that shy person in the back of the class that stuttered and tripped over her words when put on the spot? Why did I go back when I was so high up?

My old ELA teacher, god I loved him. Student/Teacher love I mean. He, too, had ADHD and I didn't know that but when he told me I felt so seen. He helped me so much. He helped me understand better and he came up with "The Graph". I'm tearing up just thinking about him cause he was amazing. "The Graph" is what we referred to as my progress. I was to push to keep the graph going up, to not stop and keep it from going down.

Yeah, if I was to see that teacher again he wouldn't be happy that my graph is plummeting. He wouldn't be happy that my graph hasn't peaked in a year, almost two.

I just don't know what I'm doing wrong and I'm fucking scared. I don't know how to get back into the groove I had and I feel so left behind. I know I shouldn't compare myself to others but I feel so behind with all my friends in college or in the military. I know I work differently but I feel like I should be up there with them, I should be doing something beneficial rather than doing nothing. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm even starting to doubt my art which I'm also scared of cause I'm so fucking good at what I do.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[weebsinstash]

I saw that fairy ask and you know what would be insufferable actually?

Fairy! Gojo.

He sees a lil cute traveler who got lost from her group while taking a walk through the forest, decides he wants to mess with her a bit. Absolute piece of shit bully except now he’s a fairy (which… isn’t very different from how he usually is? lmao), altering her perception of time and space (or maybe altering the layout of the fucking forest. who knows) so she’s walking around in circles for what feels like a couple of hours when it’s actually been days, scaring her with creepy sounds of his laughter and pitter-patter of feet, to the point she’s so scared she breaks down crying.

Meanwhile he’s just laughing at his funny little pranks until he decides “you know what I want to keep her actually :3” so he just appears and starts trying to interact like everything is fine and dandy. Maybe he does this thing I saw in a folklore tale once where the fairy undressed herself and bathed by the river to seduce the guy she wanted except it’s Gojo and the last thing you want to see when you’re scared and lost in a forest is a naked uncanny grown ass man bathing in a river.

Or consider this: Unseelie Fairy! Sukuna. This one’s a menace.

Ok so the first thing coming in my head is, remember how he kept absolutely pestering the fuck out of Nanami and it was to give him a note and when Nanami finally opened it, it was just a drawing of a dick. He's such a fucking troll I can just, SEE a fae Gojo bugging you constantly and insisting you take some sort of gift from him and you keep turning him down either out of modesty and being humble or you just genuinely don't like him and when he finally cracks your patience and you take it just to get him to leave you alone, he just gets this shit eating grin "ok you accepted my special gift and that means we're married now~!" and he's being 500% serious like he did in fact not tell you he was basically doing his people's courting ritual and you have now basically accepted to like, be his spouse 💀

You open the gift or unwrap it and it's just a drawing of a dick or some other troll gift, he just needed you to accept period and NOW that you're "together" he can get you REAL gifts (that are also occasionally fucked up or twisted). Like imagine you turn him down so many times he eventually just offers you something so extremely small and minor it's like, ok is this all it takes to leave me alone? He gives you a little braided bracelet or like handcrafted trinket or like something handmade and humble and seemingly innocent and it's like Surprise Bitch That's Enchanted and you just touched it or even put it on 😩😩😩

Other classic dickhead fairy Gojo moments include "you're lost in the woods and he uses magic to distort the forest and make you walk in circles until you're literally crying and freaking out and he thinks it's really funny and adorable" like he's some kind of malicious ass Cheshire cat, constantly laughing at your struggles and teasing you. He'll tease you to tears and then kiss those tears away and say you're a cute silly little baby 🥰 (lmao I'm stoned and basically forgot that's literally what you said already so, same braincell haha)

He's like completely out of touch and not realizing that, he's not just interested in you, he's legitimately infatuated with you, until you're like at the local harvest festival or something similar and you go to dance with someone else and, wait a second why is he getting so tense watching someone else put their hands on you and look into your eyes and you're both smiling and laughing and--

he loses his temper and some magic bullshittery happens like it suddenly starts to storm or another person accidentally trips into your partner and they twist their ankle and can't dance anymore or even something falling on them or being blown by a sudden and specific gust of wind like gojo is canonically pretty sadistic imo like he had to be ordered not to kill someone and he's like "ok I'll just horrifically twist all their limbs then :)"

And he's, you know a fae and a weirdo so he doesn't even always need to traditionally spend time with you. You're ignoring him and refusing to come near him? Fine, he'll transform into a cat and suddenly you're rubbing his belly and giving his kisses and calling him a little scrunkly baby like, magic really does open all doors. Maybe his gifted bracelet or charm that you put on let's him track you and even read your thoughts and shit and of course you can't take it off

And on the subject of Sukuna, someone was asking if I saw the newest developments with him after we were discussing the recent manga developments, and it's like "oh you mean him being ugly now, yeah I saw 😒" 😂😂😂 Yuuji has some potential with him being a relatively idk nice and innocent boy and then he's got, you know, a mischievous ancient demon inside of him. Itadori over here "wow Reader is a really good sorceror and has a good heart, im lucky to have then as my friend ^^" and Sukuna chimes in "yeah that's why they would look so cute with their mouth on our cock :3"

[not-made-of-actual-rye]

I'm not done (if you saw my last post). This time, though, I'm not talking about the sick old men who are my band directors. Let's go a little bit younger.

There's this guy I know. His fake name (because his real name makes me feel sick to my stomach) is Aaron. I've never talked about him on social media before, mostly because he's on every other platform of social media I have other than Tumblr (I'd praise god if I weren't atheist)

Aaron always scared me. Immediate red flag, right? 🚩 Well, I met him exactly 10 days after I officially started dating my boyfriend. It's probably a good time to mention (unfortunately) that Aaron is my boyfriend's oldest brother.

If you've seen the other post, you'll know I am in my school's band (this took place before all the shit that made me hate the band directors, mind you, and I still loved band with my entire heart and soul at this point). Unfortunately, my boyfriend comes from a very musical family, and every single one of them is/was an instrumentalist.

On this unfortunate day of December 15th, 2023, our band directors decided it was a wonderful idea to have an alumni game, where all former graduates of our school are allowed back to play again in a pep band game. I'd never met Aaron until this point, and I admitted to my boyfriend that I didn't want to meet him. Again, gut feeling that he was bad news.

That night, he asked his brother to point me out. Me being scared of him (he was also right behind me in the stands) I avoided him as best I could, but being in his general proximity gave me a massive headache that didn't go away for the rest of the night. He was also a very loud player (egotistical bitch) and was bothering other members of my section too

After the pre-game performance, I ended up finding him looking lost in the back hallway that typically only the band members used. Just being kind, I explained to him that most people were out socializing in the Commons, and it would be better for him to wait out there rather than alone in the hallway.

I was unfortunately naive when this occurred, and I didn't realize his intentions when he began using this time with us alone to interrogate me, including questions about where I lived and what my parents did for work. I didn't clock this as creepy behavior until much, much too late, because I assumed he was just being friendly. Even so, when I did manage to escape his questioning, I hid with a group of friends and avoided him as best I could.

As far as I knew, nothing else happened for a couple months (there was actually a lot happening at this time that I'll cover later) until my boyfriend invited me and one of my best friends at the time to a college pep band game that his father led. I had a lot of fun there, and I loved every minute of it (except when my boyfriend neglected to give me literally any important information about this event I'd never gone to despite me begging him to give me details)

At this game and at this college, there's a long-standing tradition where attractive college women will dress in bathing suits and cover up with trenchcoats, only to reveal their bodies whenever the opposing team attempted to score a free throw

Aaron made a comment about my makeup (I like to do more graphic looks including rhinestones around my eyes), saying, and I quote "At least you're drawing attention to your eyes, and not..." and he trailed off but he made it abundantly clear he was referring to the ladies in swimsuits. Especially when he followed his statement up with, "Of course, you're aware of the tradition, right?" He began explaining it to me while I stood there in silence.

For a while, I thought his comment had been funny. It became an inside joke between me and my boyfriend, because, again, I had been naive and not realized it was not only weird but also extremely creepy to be making comments about a 15-year old showing off her body like the adult college students were. (Reminder that he was 25 at the time, and knew my age)

This all occurred on January 20th, 2024. 3 months later (almost exactly) on April 21st, I was visiting my boyfriend's house for the second time. It was going really well, until I forced my boyfriend to show me his phone. I knew he'd been hiding things from me because he would panic every time I got his phone, even if I didn't have any desire to open it. This had been going on for at least 2 months, possibly longer.

For whatever reason, he finally allowed me to see. I looked through his texts when I found they were about me. They were between both of his older brothers. These messages varied between talking about my deepest insecurities (something I'd trusted my boyfriend and only my boyfriend with, not even my closest friends), as well as them berating me for being crazy, psycho, and a red flag. All these insults came directly from Aaron himself, mind you.

I laid on my boyfriend's bed, scrolling through and reading everything they'd ever said about me. He laid behind me, watching. He said mostly nothing, only ever asking if I was okay, to which I couldn't answer by how betrayed and shocked I felt about this whole ordeal.

The texts about me had started back in November, when my boyfriend and I had started talking and falling for each other. He'd gone to his older brothers asking for advice, and they'd given it excitedly, because they'd been wanting him to get a girlfriend for a while before he'd met me. Aaron specifically had been more obsessed with our relationships, even going as far as to make comments about how I better be pretty (his words were "she better not be mid" he then clarified "not attractive")

I cried silently while I read the story of how my boyfriend had told them almost everything I never wanted anyone to know, and even though I knew he'd been hiding something, I never would have assumed it'd be that. I screenshotted the messages (some, not all... I wanted some to remain hidden from anyone who asked to see the messages, because I knew that time would come) and sent them to myself. I sat in his room in silence for a couple minutes just to process everything, ignoring everything he'd try to say to me, and texted his little sister, one of my best friends, if I could hang out in her room for a while because I didn't want to look at him.

I showed her everything, because I figured if I didn't, someone else would, and even though she was younger than I am, she agreed with me that it was messed up and tried her best to comfort me. I stayed with her for longer than I anticipated until I was ready to face my boyfriend again. I went in his room and laid on the bed with him in silence, crying. I said I wasn't sure if I could still love him after that, and even though it hurt seeing his reaction as I broke his heart, he'd broken mine too.

I went home, hiding the truth from my mother when she asked how everything went. I texted my boyfriend and we argued about everything. I officially ended it that night, because I refused to stay with someone who never wanted to be with me forever in the first place.

It was a messy breakup, one that isn't really important to the story aside from knowing about the existence of the text messages and some of the content they contained. Long story very very short, my boyfriend and I got back together after we had a lot of long discussions about the texts.

Essentially, I realized that, aside from my boyfriend telling them things he never should have, he was mostly just asking for advice and answering their questions when the time arose. In the grand scheme of things, it was Aaron (and perhaps the other brother like... once) who was making the nasty comments about me, including not only the creepy comment about my attractiveness, but also sexual things (note that my boyfriend and I never had sex and he knew this).

As if that wasn't enough, the time before my boyfriend and I got back together (we remained friends after the breakup even though we both knew we still had feelings for each other) I learned more about Aaron. A lot of this was from my ex-boyfriend, but some was from his social media (what is with millennials and thinking they should post their every thought online?)

I learned a lot of things about my new enemy Aaron. Some of them included:

His wife, whom he'd married 3 days before my boyfriend and I started officially started dating, was only 3 or 4 years older than me, at the age of 19.

His wife was also homeschooled, never went to college, and had limited social interaction outside of her many siblings and her parents. She met Aaron at either 17 or 18. Aaron, 24-soon-to-be-25, started dating his now-wife as soon as she would've graduated high school at the age of 18.

Aaron has a birth defect (no name was given but I have used this wonderful resource named Google and am making an educated guess in saying it is hypogonadism) which, and I am very sorry to have to type this but it is important, makes it very hard for him to produce sperm.

After only 2 months of marriage, Aaron got his 19-year-old wife pregnant (and I can pinpoint the exact day it was conceived because he told his 16-year old brother, aka my boyfriend, all about it)

Maybe it's just me, but having testosterone issues to the point where you require you're essentially unable to ejaculate (infertility, a common symptom of hypogonadism) and then suddenly being able to make a kid after 2 months as soon as you fuck a teenager? Interesting...

That's all I have to say for now. My hatred for this "man" runs deep, and it will probably be like that for years, but I don't care. I want nothing to do with him

[mostdefinitelyahumanperson]

Lore Bits and HCs for my Magical Girls AU because I have Severe Brain Worsm

under the cut because it's a looooong boi (also not super organised or structured. oOpsie-daisy)

tl;dr : a ragtag found family (they're autistic and trans) find themselves battling space-cops with their newly acquired elemental powers because some autistic robot wanted to LARP as Its favorite anime

Zane

It's an alien-robot thingy from space

Like canon! Zane, It uses an hologram to appear human

Even by alien-robot standard, It's autistic

It became fascinated and enamoured with humans and Magical Girls so much that It revealed Itself to a few humans and gave them elemental abilities to create Its own Magical Girls team (that's what happens when the 'tism wins i guess)

It doesn't care that "Magical Girls" is supposed to be a gendered term 🤷🏼

Revealing Itself to humans is an alien crime, so now It's on the run

Most of the threats the Team fights is literally just alien-robot cops coming after It

Prefers It/Its pronouns, but because bigots use those maliciously, It only uses them with Its close friends. With everyone else, It prefers they/them slightly, but is mostly apathetic

Doesn't know how old It is in Earth year, but knows It's a young adult by Its specie's standard

AroAce, in a queerplatonic relationship with Cole and Kai

Very Tall (6'4'')

Dresses very conservatively, has an impressive collection of beige sweaters. Pants are always clean ??? (weirdo)

Cole

First human turned Magical. Earth powers.

When Zane first arrived on Earth, It was lost and confused, and Cole helped It. That's how they met, and that's why Zane decided Cole has "the pure heart of a Magical Girl"

He was houseless when he first met Zane, they now have an apartment together

He's the oldest (25) and as such fills the role of big brother to the group

Gives very good advice, such as "most crimes are morally correct" and "punch nazis always" and "never talk to cops"

A source of emotional stability for the others, great at co-regulation, very chill

Living happily and healthily, and caring for his community, is his greatest protest

Used to have a shit relationship with his dad, but now it's better, which puts him in the perfect position to support Kai, Nya, and Llorie, who all have shit relationships with their parents

Draws very well, designed all of his tattoos

Tattoos are : Earth Dragon (right arm), Energy Dragon, Water Dragon, Lightning Dragon, Fire Dragon, Ice Dragon (all on left arm), Mountain Landscape (back), White Lily, Music Notes (both over his heart), Piece of Cake (right buttcheek), Pink Crystals (both legs), Mouth with Tongue Out (right inner thigh), there's probably more but I'm out of ideas 🤷🏼

High as a kite 24/7. He uses it as medication for his chronic anxiety and sensory issues

Autistic <3

Special interests include : music history, music theory, just music in general actually, philosophy, baking, geology, and vintage technology, especially retro gaming. he's such a loser <3 (compliment)

Very good baker, makes insane edibles

Dresses punk, but musically prefers prog rock because he's a tasteless nerd (also listens to punk, of course, other types of rock, metal, and some subgenres of dubstep)

Yellow and purple shoelaces

Very Tall (6'2'')

Besties with Nya (mlm and wlw solidarity)

Romantically gay, asexual, transmasc

He was on testosterone for a bit, he no longer is as he is happy with the androgynous in-between he's reached. Doesn't want any kind of surgeries

In a queerplatonic relationship with Zane and a romantic relationship with Kai

Kai

Met Zane through Cole

Got turned Magical because Zane figured he'd enjoy it (It was correct)

Resident Himbo. Not a single thought behind those eyes.

Had started apprenticeship at father's forge, but relational conflicts made him leave

He has a horrible relationship with his father, and *very* mid with his mother

Pays for Nya's college education by participating in a shady underground fight ring, The Slither Pit. wins a lot, makes good money

Also has a successful OnlyFans

Has a bit of a drinking problem, but he's working on it (it used to be much worse)

Autistic and ADHD <3

Special interests include : footwear, hockey, hip-hop, metallurgy, glass art, kinesiology (I don't know, man, he's a sport nerd or whatever), hot peppers and hot sauce

Crop tops, tank tops that show off side boobs, booty shorts, grey sweatpants, high-waisted pants, fire prints, red, varsity jackets. Vaguely retro vibe, with the most 90's hair possible (too much hair gel and frosted tips)

24 years old

5'6''

Bisexual, demi-romantic, transmasc

On testosterone, has had top surgery

In a queerplatonic relationship with Zane and a romantic relationship with Cole

Nya

She got turned Magical because Kai, Jay and Cole nagged Zane non-stop until It agreed to Magic-ify her. Kai was ecstatic when she ended up getting water powers (he thinks sibling having opposite powers is Very Cool™️)

Her initial reaction to the turning was to be fucking pissed. That's her initial reaction to anything that stresses her out. Once she got over the weirdness of the whole some-alien-robot-guy-turned-me-into-a-fuckin-magical-girl thing, she ended up embracing it the most out of all of them, she's practically a vigilante at this point

She can fight even better than Kai, as martial art is one of her favorite way of releasing stress

Along with fixing cars

And since she has a LOT of stress to release, she's very good at both of those things

Special interests include : machines, especially cars (her main one), Journey to the West, Queer history, apes (her favorites are chimpanzees), She-Ra and He-Man

Autistic <3

High-masking. It's giving her autistic burnout, so she's been trying really hard to learn to unmask. Her friendship with Cole and relationship with Jay play a big role in her unmasking journey, as they show to her that she can be safe and secure while being herself

Burned out, but she won't let herself rest :/

She's a double-major, engineering and gender studies

She has a terrible relationship with her mother, and very mid relationship with her father

Besties with Cole (wlw and mlm solidarity)

They have similar taste in music (rock, prog, punk, metal). They like shopping for vinyls together

She's a coffee snob. Annoying about it.

Really sappy cheesy lovey-dovey when alone with Jay, but more friend-like when they're with other people (she doesn't like broadcasting her softer side to the world)

Cargo pants, muscle tees, tank tops, leather jackets, distressed denim, steel-toed boots, army surplus, navy blue, army green, black and grey, camo print

Hair up in ponytail or bun always, for sensory reasons

22 years old

5'8''

Butch bi-lesbian trans woman

On estrogen and progesterone, doesn't want surgeries

In a romantic relationship with Jay

Jay

Zane turned spark Magical because spark was infodumping about anime and how much spark'd love to have cool powers

Is the only one on the team who can fly, Zane has no idea how that happened

Cannot stand still, cannot shut up. the AuDHD is strong with this one

Special interests include Sci-Fi, especially space stuff, Starfarer being spark absolute favorite franchise, Magical Girls anime, anime in general actually, machines, video games, snakes, chicken husbandry, animation

Engineering major. That's how spark met Nya

Wanted to also major in theater, but a double-major was way to much for spark

Is in an improv team instead, as a hobie

Spark's a very talented drag performer. makes costumes sparkself. Drag-sona is a genderless alien named Zap, uses zap/zapself pronouns

Favorite music genre is ~computer noises~

Drinks way too much pink monster. Collects limited edition cans

Has not only accepted, but embraced the cringe 😌

A furry, made spark's fursuit. Cole drew the design

Dresses like if arcade carpeting and techno-unicorn had a baby

23 years old

5'4''

Panromantic, demi-sexual

In a romantic relationship with Nya

Llorie

She's the baby of the group. She got turned because Zane needed a "chosen one" for Its fantasy scenario

She's not *actually* chosen for anything, but she plays along because she's just happy to be here

Going through the Magical Girl transformation SHATTERED her egg

She graduated from Darkley's, an expensive boys-only boarding school. She's just starting college, majoring in (uuh, I don't know yet. Is veterinary a major ??? I've never been to school.)

When in her magical form, she has non-human features, such as golden horns, fangs, a green scaly tail, pointy ears, and claws

Dysphoria hoodie, always. She's had it since she was 10 (it's running small, but she's very emotionally attached to it)

Her parents are both stinking rich, and emotionally neglectful. Her dad is a weapon magnate, her mom's a world renowned archeologist (that's a plot hole. archeologists aren't usually stinking rich ??? whatev's). They stuck her in Darkley's and pretty much forgot about her. She hasn't come out to them yet, but she's out to her uncle Wu, who was the only family member actually there for her throughout her life

She's autistic <3

She met the group because Nya can spot a baby trans from a mile away, and immediately entered big sister mode. Nya's been helping her navigate the early stages of transition, offered her an understanding ear, gave her advice. They're practically sisters at this point. Naturally, the rest of the group also adopted Llorie.

Special interest include Starfarer (duh), plushies, fishes, especially sharks, mythology/legends/folklore/fairytales

*skirt goes spinny*

18 years old

5'2'' (she's itty-bitty)

She's still trying to figure out her sexuality, but she highly suspects she's on the aro and ace spectrums. Trans girl.

[annsillsomething]

so here’s a story

I used to be friends with certain person that… let’s say they weren’t a very good friend… well at least during the last three years of our friendship

I was helping them through some rough times but the more I supported them the more I felt like they were just using me as a free psychologist and it could have been fine if it was mutual, but when I wasn’t feeling ok and needed some time alone to sort things out (because that’s how I deal with my problems, I need to do it myself without distractions, and that person knew it), all I got was “why are you spending less time with me, I need your help, I need to talk to you”

the urgent problem they needed my help with was a lack of a boyfriend and really I could have talked about it but I already had enough on my plate to deal with their inability to live alone (might sound derogatory but trust me when I say it really wasn’t that bad, I had spent years dealing with their problems so I knew it wasn’t some kind of emergency) so I said I needed some time and stopped responding to their messages

that wasn’t very polite of me but severe depression has that effect on people

then it got worse because apparently I’m an asshole for prioritizing my mental health over their love life

so after some shit had happened that friendship came to an end

it was good at some point, we’ve had some fun together and I don’t regret anything

but that’s where the madness begins

a year after we stopped communicating I meet our mutual acquaintance and she tells me some crazy shit

apparently I am a witch who cursed that person and her former boyfriend with a soup and they burned everything I’ve ever gifted them because those things (including my drawings and literally everything) carry my foul energy

I made them that stupid soup because I knew they had financial problems so I bought everything and just wanted to make them happy for a moment, you know, so they didn’t have to think about what to eat tomorrow (the soup was very good by the way, we tasted it together)

but I get it, I’m a witch and a horrible person, ok, I think that’s better than thinking that you’ve lost a good friend because you couldn’t understand they have problems too

I think I needed to write it

if you’ve read this far, thank you, be safe, don’t waste your time on wrong people if you know they are actually the wrong ones, sometimes people change, you don’t have to stay with them if they are no longer the people you can be comfortable with, don’t regret anything, nothing is a mistake, that’s how we learn

[hiodoshi-ao]

.

I try to stay positive and hopeful to a point but I need to let this out somewhere, somehow...

I don't know how to tell people that I'm burned out from constant [redacted] at home and constantly being targeted by managers at work with unfair write-ups, like the ones I heard horror stories about...

As a "seasonal" employee, I can't get work benefits that full-time ones get to enjoy. These write-ups are blocking me from even getting the opportunity to transition to full-time at all, and open enrollment for benefits are closing soon... which is extremely frustrating because of how mentally and physically broken I've been feeling.

I'm desperately trying to get work accommodations right now, even if I can't afford proper benefits because if I don't, I might lose my job, lose my home (because I lost my job), or reinjure my dominant arm trying to make sure I go above and beyond productivity-wise to not give my managers any leeway in targeting me.

They don't target other people who actually are breaking the rules as long as they're working extremely fast. Give them the numbers they need to look good for their higher ups and they'll look the other way. Follow the rules but fall behind on their computers' records because there's barely been any work to do and get written up. They have a write-up quota and prefer easy targets with "bad" records like me.

They don't even care if people do sloppy work. I can say that for a fact because they refuse to write up this one lady who has a reputation of bullying other coworkers. She's as cruel as she is a fast worker, and it shows because she doesn't care if there's literal bird shit on the work she completes. Not that it's surprising, but I know of other instances proving how little my managers give a fuck. I'm trying so hard to be a good, quiet worker without reinjuring myself or screwing other people over with shit-quality work but it feels impossible now that I'm on their radar.

I'm so broken and tired. I really wish I could just quit my job and become a full-time artist, but is that possible with how burned out I am? People keep telling me I'm wasting my time working where I am because they see potential in my art and it's flattering to hear but compliments like that do the opposite of motivating me... I just don't know where to go from here. I'm not an educated professional, so my brain keeps telling me I don't have the skills or charisma to make it happen... that I don't have what it takes.

I hate life so much. I barely have the energy to do things I like anymore, like drawing or catching up with shows I'm obsessed with. I don't have the energy to interact with my loved ones much, my mom included... It's so easy to isolate myself and I hate it, and I can't even do basic every day things consistently right now. Most of my energy goes into working and trying to appease and accommodate other people's needs over my own.

I feel like I'm drowning with my head barely bobbing out of the water... I know I can make it out of this situation somehow, but how and when... and can that time come faster, please? 😭

[bayleaf-2]

Hi so I didn't make any coding progress today, hence why I didn't post anything, but I did draw all day! Lotta info incoming so here! Here goes! I already did transcripts and stuff for a friend who has some but not all context and I'm. Very very tired so sorry gang but I'm not adding additional context. Also some of the tone might seem weird, cause again, directly to friend and not tumblr

That being said, big thing first! Started some design mockups for Arc 5, character notes included. Got damn the compression on this is bad sorry gang.

The first one is how Lyra looks literally the day after the campaign ends! That design's title is "The worst of it" because I don't know for sure how long that'll last, for multiple reasons (How long Lisp can fuck with Ioun's ritual until the library notices, how long Lyra's in this state of "make it to the next day" grief, etc) but I do know that this is their lowest point, so it feels best to label it as such if I don't have another reference point to label with, at least for the time being. The bullet points are as follows:

Feels dysphoric (outfit helps)

Now that they're not rushing through everything and actually have time to think about how they feel and also don't have to wear high tier armor all the time, Lyra realizes that she's not…actually happy being in such boxy clothes, among other things. I hesitate to go into any more detail cause I don't wanna trigger anyone else's dysphoria, but they change into a looser, more fem outfit. I'm realizing now that the silhouette still looks similar because I'm not as good with drawing clothes, but imagine it's like. Flowy and soft rather than boxy and thick. (Yes this is bc I wanted to give her a design changed but I also realized they'd want the same thing, it's been like. months)

"One day at a time"

Kind of explained before, but I'll elaborate a bit more just cause: They lost their entire family. They lost like 3 out of 4 of the people most important to them. He's almost 300, so he's probably lost someone before, but not like this. Not because of something so world changing, not with the world itself almost waiting for her to get over it so she can help fix everything (or at least that's how she feels.)

Feels bad seeking comfort from or being comforted by the library

The library is something that's connected very strongly to Ioun! He feels like Khunoth and Emily would be furious at him for that, Emily especially. Now does Lyra need to talk to someone? Absolutely. Is he gonna feel any less guilty? Not really.

2nd mockup: Titled "approximately winter" because iirc the campaign started at like…the tail end of summer, and it's been about 3 months (2 months of travel time and 1 month of Actual Shit happening) but don't quote me on the exact timing. Hence the approximately. It could be the beginning of winter, or the end. I also wanted to encompass the whole season to leave wiggle room time-wise for the emotional recovery aspect.

Dysphoria gone! Yay! A combination of them feeling better emotionally and the thing that was causing it being gone. She's more confident again, yippee!

Quest full-time? Maaaybe by this point, he's spending most of his time outside the library going on Kate's quest and looking for the book. Again, it's a timing thing. I imagine once they're in a good enough state for it, they go like. Full detective on it and have a notebook dedicated to their findings and stuff. Additionally, if this is the case, they probably go by Elion at this point! For the record, if any of her family members were still around, she'd probably prefer that they call her Lyra.

Old party members find her Speaking of which! If any of the people from Elion's other parties were to find him, they would've found him by this point, most likely. It's been a while since the godslaying ended and the funeral's happened so word's gotten out about who was involved. Now, based on my memory (but the last time we got recognized was a while ago) people knew the names of the godslayers, but not the faces. There are people who've been tracking the party, but that's a small group, I think. So Elion's party members miiiight not know she's a godslayer unless she tells them? Again, questionable how much the general public knows, and we've been getting adventuring parties sent after us so. It could go either way.

Sorry if this is like. Unfollowable without context, I might fix it in the morning. I also will say, the reason old party members is getting brought up at all is because a friend wanted to hug Lyra after hearing what happened to them and I said ":v she- she's been in other parties, you could have one of your characters know her iyw-" and they said yes, so I'm trying to think about it now, just for funsies XP

There's more art, but with how long this post already is I'm just gonna post em separately.

[keefwho]

June 08 - 2023 Thurdday

2:08 PM

Some of my most frequent thoughts include: “I am alone” “No one wants me” “I’m not good enough” “I’m not worthy of (thing) or (person)” “Is (person) better than me?” 

These are thoughts I want to figure out how to defuse from. They plague my mind. Catching them is the first step which is what I’m doing now. I’ve felt pretty good today and yesterday in general but even when I feel okay, these feelings still loom in the background. I want to truly detach from them. 

7:18 PM

At this moment I’m feeling down on myself, like no one wants me around and to a greater extent, never will. I’ve been feeling like this with everything. I feel like I can’t attend events, or play games with people, or like I can’t be sexually active because it’s not welcome from me. These are all beliefs I have about myself that are not true but it’s hard to shake them off. How can I stop feeling this way? Even if I identify the feelings as they happen, I don’t know how to lessen their effect. 

8:24 PM

Even if I feel bad about myself, the first thing I want to believe is that I am not alone. People care about me. And if it’s not as many people as I’d like, I have the capacity to expand my connection. It CAN be done. An equally noble priority is to stop feeling like I’m going nowhere. Like I’m stuck in one place where the only way I can go is down. I’m starting to take more interest in my art again. I have the desire to draw ponies along with new episode releases. In some way I also want to get more integrated into the furry community since I feel very outside of it. 

I’d like to believe my self esteem hasn’t gotten worse. I’ve just become aware of it and it’s extent. 

My heart hurts so deeply. At least I feel something. 

9:16 PM

Time to spill it all out. I feel pathetic. My life has gone nowhere. I have no one that loves me. No one is committed to me. I crave mutual companionship but I do not have it. I feel unworthy. Even if I pull myself together I’m just destined to stay alone and unhappy. I have no redeeming qualities, I’m convinced I’m just put up with by people. I’m so far below anyone’s league. I don’t deserve space on this earth. This is how I feel tonight. I’m crying about it, I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I wish I could stop feeling so worthless. I wish I could feel loved, by myself or from anyone else. The second I stop fighting for my survival, it’s over. There is no one to pull me up. I am all that keeps me afloat and sometimes it’s hard to hang on. 

I feel no hope. I’ve lost my friends and social networks. My art is lame, I’m not what I used to be. I don’t dream anymore. I feel like I slowly edge closer to the possibility that I could actually end it. I never thought I’d be the kind of person but here I am. I’m afraid one day I actually might want to. And if I tell anyone that, that’s a quick way to make people want to distant. I know no one wants that in the their life. 

I think the only thing that kept me from worsening depression in the past was my friends. I always had people that would hit me up or that I knew I could go to to hang out with. Now it’s one person that I actually feel connected to and that’s becoming unhealthy. Now I’m nearly completely alone so nothing will keep me from spiraling. 

I have dinner but I literally can’t eat it. I don’t want to eat. 

9:49 PM

I’m such a piece of shit. Being so selfish all the fucking time. I hate myself. Truly despise myself. For causing so much pain to everyone around me all the time just by being myself. And expecting love in return. What a fucking idiot. 

10:45 PM

I seriously have never felt this hopeless. If I feel like this tomorrow morning, I’m not doing work. I might not get to bed on time. I don’t care about trying to do anything. I want to give up. 

[novieight]

I posted 192 times in 2022

That's 192 more posts than 2021!

12 posts created (6%)

180 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@istilllikeundertale

@cxra-melty

@tickleblogger

@gomigomipomi

I tagged 25 of my posts in 2022

#novasspeaks - 8 posts

#like - 4 posts

#splatoon - 4 posts

#novaswrites - 2 posts

#hey woah i actually tag for once - 1 post

#splattubers - 1 post

#im gonna bleach my eyes - 1 post

#actually traumatizing - 1 post

#im terrified help me - 1 post

#aaaaa - 1 post

Longest Tag: 82 characters

#like you cannot stop me from creating a whole new version fitted to my preferences

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

okay so apparently ive lost my marbles because like i remember a ending different to the rainmaker ending from splatoon 2???? and no its not the bad ending (if there even is one idk) like

i remember an ending where callie jumps onto the truck and sings the calamari inkantation with marie but in the ending i remember the rainmaker never happened and neither did the riderails like you were fighting with dj octavio the exact same way as before marie sniped callie but like now it was only octavio and not hypnoshades callie (i call hypnoshades callie Hypno, and i call fanmade hypnoshades marie Hazy but thats besides the point)

like i actually thought the rainmaker was an alternate ending??? i specifically remember an ending where sheldon never gave you the rainmaker and the riderails never spawned and it was just a more intense fight with your hero shot

and in this ending i remember you literally just shoot octavio back into the octobot and it explodes the end basically

like i was talking to my friends and they were like “...the rainmaker was always a part of the ending?” and i was like “WHAT NO THATS NOT TRUE”

please im so fuckin confused this has been eating at me all day

1 note - Posted December 6, 2022

#4

i had like the best dream last night

i dreamt that i was in a private battle turf war with jaymoji and a few other splattubers

like i saw etce, i saw hackerling, i saw vulpixie, i think i saw fyrus and failboat too

it was so funny we were just doing random shit but then i think jay switched the mode to rainmaker because i remember diving to grab the rainmaker but hackerling stole it

i wasnt even splatting anyone i was just having fun chasing people around

i would love to write more about this dream but unfortunately being afab sucks and its that time and im in excruciating pain

1 note - Posted December 6, 2022

#3

expect a real post from me tomorrow becuz tomorrow's my birthday and i need to draw myself some bday tks 😤

1 note - Posted November 21, 2022

#2

im absolutely terrified because apparently in my tiny pea brain i saw a bunch of callie and marie pins on pinterest and saved them to my splatoon board because i thought all of the fanart was familial

now my pinterest is full of callie x marie and im scared/srs

3 notes - Posted December 6, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

im bored so here are some little imagines for myself of some of my f/os

ill probably make multiple posts so this post will include Callie and Marie

Callie is a romantic f/o, while Marie is platonic so please keep that in mind

Marie is more of an older sibling lol

Callie loves to give me kisses and hugs right when i get home from school, she knows its extremely stressful for me but she's proud of me for surviving another day

Marie helps me with my homework, and has not even once ever screamed at me (shes not even gotten mad in the slightest)

once, as a birthday gift, Callie managed to convince Marie into letting me have exactly ONE day wearing the Hypnoshades... it was an interesting experience and it was really fun to battle (though Marie made sure that Octavio didnt hypnotize me as well as Callie, it was more of a mild hypnosis (somehow))

Callie gives tight and energetic hugs, while Marie gives looser and more of sleepy cuddles

one time Callie caught me in my room dancing to Bomb Rush Blush, as i had learned the whole dance from a video of her on YouTube) and surprised me by picking me up from behind and calling me cute names

Marie tried to teach me how to use a squiffer and let me hold her Hero Charger, but took both because she saw me begin shaking out of anxiety

ive been caught a million times singing the Calamari Inkantation, and i wouldnt even notice i was singing until it was pointed out

im really, REALLY short (4'7) so Marie does that thing where she rests her arm on my head jokingly; if i get grumpy about it she'll pick me up and twirl me around to raise my mood again

thats it for now, i wanna go play some chill season

i may make a part two of Squid Sisters at some point but i think next post will be of Off The Hook

4 notes - Posted November 30, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

fun fact ive had this account for like literally four years and for the longest time i just never ever posted anyting