#and the works not even that bad its genuinely not that hard this is all a me problem ughfjfnfnhkfnf
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WHAT YOUR HIGHER SELF WANTS TO TELL YOU 💫🌟
Hello my loves!!!
I am back.
Love being MIA (jk jk I miss it so much, but life just has been holy crap) Here's a reading on what your higher self wants to tell you. Which Ive been trying to do since fkn last week of October, and finally here I am!!
Oh I am also going to start doing paid readings I guess, I am so excited!!! (but after November because end term exams are upon me)
Lets get to the reading!!
Choose whatever pile resonates with you, whatever does not, remember to just pass it on🥰
Pile 1>>2>>3
Pile 1
Hello love!
Welcome to your pile!
So starting off, your higher self is warning you about the people who are around you. While I was connecting with the higher self for the messages, it felt like there was this huge bundle of snakes intertwined and you were at the centre of it. You might be surrounded by people who do not have your best interest at heart.
Since they were so intertwined and you were literally at the core of it, it seems like they have sllithered there way into your closest and innermost circle, but not because they genuinely want to be there, but it may be because they want to get some gossip from you, or they want to reap the rewards for the hard work you have done. You know sort of like, parasitic situation.
For you oracle we have
The Bee and Pomegranate: productivity
This card is making me think that they are either jealous of your productivity and want to know how you are doing it so they can as well, or they really want to piggy back on your success and call it theirs.
With the Bee I think, it is time for you to identify the issues in your hive, and start eliminating them. You might feel a little suspicious about them sometimes but brush away that thought thinking you’re just being paranoid. But, if your intuition is constantly pulling your attention towards that, and if you’re having a bad feeling, its time to sting that *beep* and cut them out of your life.
I am getting that you might start having some issues while you’re with them, like getting a headache, your energy levels being drained even though you were fine seconds ago. Having stomach issues after having a meal with them, your electric appliances would stop working, something like that.
I also saw this forked snake typa thing, which had two heads, and basically they are double faced and a snake to everyone and aren’t true to anybody. Just felt like mentioning it here.
For your tarot cards, we have,
Ace of Cups and The Emperor (reverse)
I feel like, because of the people around you, and their negative energies towards you, new opportunities might be blocked from coming to you.
You might feel the energy of something new coming, but then it just does not. Also, you do not have your cup full. Because of all that energy draining by these people, you only feel happy superficially, or because you are supposed to feel happy with your friends. But actually, deep down in reality, your soul knows you deserve better and these aren’t the people who are going to fill your cup.
You’ve got better opportunities waiting for you, you’ve got a whole empire waiting for you with The Emperor, but you need the right people in your court who will help you get there. Community is important, and being alone sucks, especially if you’re in a new place, could be a new school, a new university, a new job and you are afraid of letting them go because what if nobody else is there.
But until you take that risk, you will never find out. And honestly, right now, even being alone for a little while would be good for you to rejuvenate yourself and align yourself with the life that you really want, with the people that you really want.
That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading 🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3
Pile 2
Hello love!
Welcome to your pile!
Idk what it is with this reading, but saw snakes for this pile as well (I was literally playing slither.io rn), but in a veryyy different light as compared to the first pile. Basically, you know like there are two sides of you, the light and the dark, the yin and the yang sort of a thing. Except, I saw one side more earthy, nature ish and grounded I guess, and the other is just the same thing but… horror ish. You know thorny forest and dark night things.
I think what your higher self is trying to tell you is that you gotta embrace all of yourself. All the parts, the good, bad, light, dark etc etc etc. It happens sometimes when you realise some weird (dark trait/habit so to say) of yours and then you fixate on that and you end up believing you’re not a very good person (HOLY FKN CRAP the universe just aligned in such a weird way I cannot even, gonna give context in a bit).
But just because you believe you’re not a good person doesn’t mean that you don’t have the good qualities in you. And vice-versa as well, sometimes when we do light work, we tend to forget our shadow selves, or repress it. Which isn’t…ideal. Ya know?
You gotta embrace everything.. Just like the big snakes circle the little ones in slither.io (such weird analogies holy crap)
Okay so I do use costar (i am aware people dislike it, but its daily messages hit right at the spot. But today’s did not make sense to me, until NOW)
Okay anywho, moving on
Your oracle cards are:
The Caiman and Poppy: dreams
The Hawk and Thistle: graceful persistence
They are going to make more sense with the tarot cards so I am just going to mention them here,
Queen of Swords, 6 of pentacles (reversed), Ace of Wands and 3 of Wands
I feel like there has been some passion project sort of thing you have been wanting to pursue, but not getting the motivation, or you know the nicer way to do it. You may start doing it but then leave it after sometime because it is not providing you the happiness that you thought it would. Its not because you’re doing the wrong thing, its probably because there’s another way to do the thing, where you’ll enjoy it to the core.
This ‘new’ way of doing the thing might be revealed to you in your dreams. Your higher self may come to you in dream state and then reveal what is to be done. Now of course, ain’t that easy, they may not tell you exactly what you have to do, but tell you in some weird ass format which you might have to decode later on.
I am also getting the vibe that do not share this new thing with the people around you, I think. Not until it is successful anyway. I know its fun when you go and be like “Yo I had this epiphany in a dream” and blabber it all out. But for the time being, keeping the thing to yourself would be more beneficial to you. The Hawk from the oracle card has got sharp eyes and is on the lookout. Now its not to say that people are out for you or will take your ideas blah blah, but I think its for your own sake. You know sometimes you tell a person something and the whole excitement just blows away? Think of it as avoiding this scenario.
Anyways! I hope whatever this new thing is, it brings back your spark for doing the things you are passionate about and this time receiving the serotonin with it as well!
That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3
Pile 3
Hello love!
Welcome to your pile!
SO OKAY!
Everybody who chose this pile, like fkn immediately go and connect to your higher selves, they have SO MUCH TO SAY and I can only cover so much (sorry higher selves I am trying my best here)
Okay so, gonna explain everything together, your oracle card is:
The Antelope and Wheat: nourishment
What I felt is like, you know, you have multiple personalities, moods and what not. Like one day you’re like Yay Party and then two days later you’re just hibernating happily. You’re being told to nourish all the various aspects you have of yourself.
Wanna go clubbing. Sure!
Wanna stay in and sleep in your cute pajamas. Sure!
Wanna go on a solo date/trip. Sure!
Don’t deprive any one of them, if you feel like you do not have enough resources to do so, or just because, it is easier to just lie down or do something else instead of doing what you actually want.
I’ll explain more with your tarot cards:
King of Pentacles, 3 of swords, 7 of swords, The Chariot, The Hierophant, 4 of pentacles and Ace of pentacles
(see I told you they have a lot to say)
Coming back on track, I feel like you wanna reach the King of pentacles before you nourish yourself, you know have absolute abundance of money, energy, health and what not.
But it is also possible that sometimes, you aren’t the King of Pentacles, you might be the Queen, the Knight, the Paige and this or that, and then it breaks your heart that you know “oh I can’t do this, I am low on resources”.
But that’s just your brain being wacky, and since you aren’t fulfilling all of your needs, it sort of snatches away happiness from other things as well. I mean of course you’ll be happy doing what you can but then you’ll know something is missing and that’s not the experience you wanna have with the things you love.
Your Higher self is telling you to keep moving forward, do not let your wacky brain control you with its weird ass thoughts (easier said than done). Do not reserve yourself from living your life to the fullest, because of minor here’s and there’s. Its pentacles, it’s gonna get refreshed any which ways and you’ll always be in a cycle of receiving it and giving it away.
This thinking might have been ingrained in you since childhood, through your home, or society or the community that you live in. Which is okay, I mean if you were brought up like that, obviously you will live that way. You know, Asian parents being like you can’t have fun for 2 days in a row! Which is makes zero sense (been there done that)
Try detaching yourself from that mindset if you are able to, because there’s a much livelier version of yourself to live as and they are looking forward to you taking steps towards them!!
That’s all I have for you today! Thank you so much for reading🎀🌻Please let me know what resonated I love hearing from y'all<3
#tarotblr#tarot#tarot reading#tarotcommunity#divination#astrology#divine#divine guidance#spiritual awakening#oracle#oracle reading#spirit guides#universe#higher self#pick a pile#pick a card#pac#pac reading
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Either Ivan knows how to cry on command or he is actually the worlds biggest crybaby in disguise, and his tears are naturally so minuscule. He’s not a big crier
His little baby teardrops 😭
#alien stage#alnst ivan#alien stage ivan#alnst#I find it interesting. He could be doing it to get sympathy when he’s with Till but—what if he’s just that much of a baby#Hmm#its very silly to me#It works though…I feel a little bad seeing him so pathetic#ivan alnst#Yes ivan is hard at emotions. but instinct is a hard thing to surpass even for his condition. id like to think he developed it as a skill#since most situations. things wouldnt get to him. so for example when he'd be at a funeral he needs to learn to look mournful. at times whe#its normal having the ability to just cry when you want is useful#but for scenes like black sorrow#i think it's all genuine. you cant fake that kind of expression.
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sometimes the ultimate form of self care is pretending season two of house of the dragon simply was never made. and that’s okay!
#house of the dragon#astra.txt#anti hotd#hotd critical#i am aware of how hard many people worked to make season two possible and i respect that#like it just sucks more because season two is genuinely bad and it’s not even their fault#yes season one had its flaws but it was somewhat coherent#season two just:#we don’t understand our own story or characters!#like oh my god?#the people who gave it their all and genuinely wanted to tell a story deserve better#the actors deserve better and so do their characters#no character was done justice#there is nothing more frustrating when consuming media#than an adaptation not understanding its own characters and story#or worse#understanding it but purposefully ignoring it to suit their own narrative#it’s just sad is all
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given the opportunity i could be approximately 500% more annoying about any of my creative projects. but unfortunately .my brain is soup,
#taylor.txt#i have so much to say but sometimes i worry that sharing all my thoughts comes across as annoying LOL#like i know its a milliontimes more interesting if i like. write and post fics rather than go on and on about how i incorporated x obscure#symbol and it was Really Fun but man i work so much and my energy levels are such an uphill battle always#i just dont have the ability to write as much as i used to. but i still THINK about writing all the time and i do wanna share with the class#but i just dont have it in me to do unprompted because genuinely. Who Cares dskcjkxbcms#again. its more interesting to read the fic. the author’s 2am notes are not as thought-provoking as i think they are at 2am#all this being said MAN i wish i had time to write request fics. i want to so bad. but even just writing in general is so hard some days#my workload is manageable im just struggling. as usual. happy october yall#i have had a headache bordering on migraine for like 48 hours#and actually my workload isnt manageable because i just want to stay home</3
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"my education is my highest priority" everything returns to vocaloid
#delete later#shitpost#vocaloid#?? idk i might keep it up. yes ik turning off rbs is a thing now technically but i always keep forgetting and also naaaah.#i might go edit proper tags in later just bc i dont this to show up in main pages but i needdddddd the organization on here#i made this a while back procrastinating on a linguistics reading and then never posted it#AND THE CIRCLE IS COMPLETE BC IM POSTING IT NOW WHILE PROCRASTINATING ON ANOTHER LINGUISTICS READING LMAOO#dudeee i gotta lock in. oh my god. its so bad up in here triple assault. i cant focus on SHIT. WHY DO I ALWAYS GET IDEAS WHEN IM BUSY AHGHH#this might be revealing a bit too much info but pls this is legit what happened LMAOO 😭🥴#we're starting ipa alphabet stuff now and im like 'hey i already know you...' from phoneme fuckery ive had to do for voca shitposts#knowing linguistics is cool cause u get to dissect what makes languages work and i thought that'd be genuinely helpful for things#like i plan to do more english/spanish translation work specifically so yuh. but also I KNOW internally in my heart...#despite trying to give the professional justifications I KNOW my stupid ass is secretly just absorbing all this knowledge for voca purposes#my brand of shitposting goes against the very origin of the word since 'shitposting' originally refers to very low effort low quality memes#so there's been a semantic shift in definition even outside of mine but i still think its really funny. i put a lot of genuine hard work#into making stupid little jokes to amuse primarily myself and maybe anyone else who finds it on the internet. so yea#no but genuinely though its unironically incredible how much shit i've learned direct or indirectly for vocaloid shitposting purposes
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Feeling very Ascension by Gorillaz ft Vince Staples at 2:18
#i need to solve a puzzle or some shit. god. fuck.#i cant concentrate on anything i cant fall asleep i cant stay asleep i cant stay awake i cant wake up on time#i hate depression 😒 and all the other things wrong with me yknow#i need to do something like. good for me. but its so damn hard to drag myself into doing that too#brain. stop being so foggy. please.#im even like. im eating im drinking water. i could probably like do some sort of exercise but everything makes me so tired.....#like even a walk yknow? i do my shift at work and im at 3% battery. i dont. i dont know what to do man#and i dont even wanna die about it???? im actively NOT suicidal for once#like are you kidding me??? ive been suicidal for like over a decade and for once#my brain is still popping up like have you considered killing yourself? 🤔 but im Genuinely not swayed by it at all#which is weird. and probably good. but now i just feel like. numb#stuck. stagnant. foggy. can we PLEASE cut through this fog and have some meaningful brain functions for a little bit. brain. cmon#i dont wanna die but i *do* wanna sleep for like. three days#i want a week off where i have NOTHIN to do#genuinely nothing to do. chores are done work is on pause i need nothing creeping in at the edges thinkin bout#ohhhhh you should be doing this instead..........youre wasting your time........do a task.....#but i cant i cant do a task. i cant. and its so frustrating and i feel bad about it#id feel much worse about it if my BRAIN wasnt as foggy as fucking SAN FRANCISCO#and i keep trying like. healthy ways of ''feeling something'' like hobbies i like or yummy food#nothin. does fuckin nothin. i get off and it gives me a Little bit of clarity Maybe. like#no wonder bad coping mechanisms happen yknow??? its an absolute fucking miracle i havent taken up smoking#anyway. i need to go to bed. tomorrows gonna be a long day. if you feel so inclined send me mental love or something. im fuckin tired folks.
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decided to leave my job and i'm gonna fr gonna cryyyyy
#literally can't work with my new boss bc i can't trust her#she went to the head of the department with complaints abt me without ever speaking to me or giving me any indication she was unhappy#and various other reasons im not happy w management and the school in general#HOWEVER#i love the kids sm and im gonna miss them and worry abt them 😭😭😭😭#im literally scared for some of them bc it feels like the other teachers have no empathy for some of my favorite kids#one of them who is so so sweet and when he cries i'm the girst to comfort him bc everyone else thinks he needs to toughen up 😭#also my new boss sucks so so bad and is gonna be such a bad influence on him and all the other kids#and my main co teacher said she's gonna quit if i do so i cant even beg her to look out for my babies and take care of them 😭💔#and it would be unprofessional to mention any concerns to the parents but genuinely some of the kids would be better off elsewhere#like im actually worried about it#i dont want some of the really sweet sensitive kids to lose their sweetness bc they're being treated unkindly#and the worst bullies and spoiled kids are the ones the teachers dote on#so it encourages some of the sweet ones to act out for attention#anyway 💔#i really do need to go tho#and i'm sure i'll love the kids at my new job#but im so sadddd#also its unlikely i can find a well paying job w this age group even tho i love this age group#its basically impossible not to get attached to them at this age and i get to pick them up and hold and cuddle them and stuff#and you cant really do that with the older kids sadly#literally on the verge of tears even seriously thinking abt leaving#things have been p bad for a while due to management but i never seriously considered leaving bc i love the kids so much#but i literally can't see a future here#and my new boss clearly hates me and im worried she's going to try to get me fired#she already made up a bunch of lies about me and its only been three weeks#anyway i only make 15 an hour so hopefully i'll at least get more somewhere else and i know i'll still love the kids#its just really hard#which is why i've stayed this long#i was p unhappy before my new boss even started bc of the way they treated my old boss
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me when sad media piece about romantic relationship: light work no reaction
me when sad media piece about sibling dynamic: oh. okay. its got a little kick.
me when sad media piece about child-parental figure dynamic: LET ME GET UP LET ME GET UP LET ME GET UP ELT MEGET UP ELT ME GET UP ELTMR FJETY UP LEGBR LE FEOT UP
#me when#i just watched aftersun and when i tell you the symptoms that movie gave me were PLAGUE-LIKE#its bcuz i cried so much throughout that my eyes are still swollen (its the morning after)#1. got a headache from how hard i cried and had to sit down#2. passed out right after the film (it was early)#3. i had work earlier and fucked my knee during my shift. it hurt so bad but after the movie my body was so numb i couldnt even feel it#4. dehydration from crying so much#5. tummy ache from crying so much. also felt like throwing up#6. became delirious and started thinking about my DAD DYING 😭 had to be with him for two hours to calm down lmfao#all in all: DONT WATCH AFTERSUN. the worst movie ever i genuinely wanted to die#still five stars tho#but im seeing a pattern in all my fav media. hm#aftersun#everything everywhere all at once#eeaao#tlou#the last of us#lady bird#beautiful boy#fancy dance#circe#michiko and hatchin#the astonishing colour of after#wolf children#the cruel prince#<- im only tagging tcp bcuz jude and madoc’s relationship was honestly the best part abt the series#rewriting
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Hough just ended my second shift of first day. Holy fuck my feet
#i do gen like this kinda job#its hard as balls bc im short as fuck so to reach i have to fly (use ladders)#and tomorrow they'll start teaching me gow to use the money money ding ding thing im having an english langue lapsus#ive worked a lot today#and tbh i was kinda oversoing it a bit cus I WANT THE JOB#but also damn i gotta chill#the ppl are really nice and also the clients surprisingly#it is probably bc im the daughter of one of the most beloved dude in my town so lol#literally all day was like “ooooh youre the daggter of*****' and me like. like yes. then all my family tree#likes heres the thing the bad is that its ouchie on my feet#but i get good money for my first job#and i genuinely like interacting with people even tho im so anxious lol#rare rambling
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i know i have a lot in my life but literally the only reason im alive is because my parents are paying for it all. like genuinely if i was just a little bit unluckier i would have killed myself. and its like i kind of dont do anything and resenting people who can just do more than me is wrong but also like... I genuinely cannot do anything. i have no energy. i see the way normal people live and it makes me ache. I CANT FUCKING DO ANYTHING!!! I REALLY SHOULD BE DEAD THERE IS VERY LITTLE POINT
#but i have video games so like. its not gonna happen. but genuinely#like no i dont work hard but i also cant work hard? i cant fucking do anything i can barely get out of bed#i can barely even think most days. im too tired to focus my eyes i wear reading glasses sometimes to make it easier#like idk. its genuinely so bad lol and i have a lot of hatred and resentment for anyone who can just. go to sleep. wake up in the morning.#even work. like i missed out on so much of my life because of all this and im missing out on more. i cant even do drugs
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It always seems a bit unbalanced on The Great Food Truck Race when there will be multiple teams who are cooking a wide variety of complex dishes with 10 different components and a bunch of prep work, and then there's that one team who like... exclusively serves plain crepes with some premade nutella on them, or plain waffles with just some whipped cream and cut up strawberries lol...
#AND then they'll be the winning team or whatever and its like... wow... imagine that... I wonder how its possible that they can get#more dishes out faster than the other teams... hrrmm.... lol#Not that they aren't still doing work like. obviously it's still hard and there's still a sales component and other stuff to be done#but It's just kind of unbalanced seeming when one group is serving like grilled shrimp sandwich with 3 homemade sauces and a#slaw and two sides and the other people are like... slicing fruit and drizzling a bottle of hersheys chocolate syrup on top of some thing#they just threw in a waffle maker for a few minutes#You see the footage of the teams cooking and everyone is like prepping a ton of different things and meat and vegetables and they have#boiling pots and pans and fryers going and tossing stuff in bowls and compiling these multi component dishes#and then That One Team is always just casually slicing bananas or doing some whipped cream in a bowl gbjhbhj#They usually dont even make their own caramel or chocolate sauces or anything. Nutella out of a jar babey!#So all you're really Making is like... whipped cream. and some sort of batter (waffle. crepe. etc)#If I got placed in a competition like that and I found out one of my opponents just sold waffles or pancake sticks or etc#like that I would just be like... okay.. I'm out then. bye. OR I would pivot and be like.. right I shall remove all complexity from my menu#whatsoever and just start selling plain balls of fried dough with powdered sugar or plain fries with nothing on them or something lol#update: OH my god.. one of these teams on a newer season is selling a 'bonus add on' where you can add#cinnamon sugar and caramel syrup (possibly not even home made by them???? just from a bottle) for $5 extra on your order#If I bought a $12 waffle from a food truck and they were like 'hey do you want to upgrade? for only $5 we'll drizzle a teaspoon#of caramel and sprinkle a little sugar and cinnamon on there!' I feel like I would cancel my order and walk away.#that is a $1 add on at MOST.. for a freaking DRIZZLE of caramel sauce LOL#and of course this team is in the top 3... squirrel.... come ON...#Which I know all these shows are fake and bad and whatever. I dont watch them seriously. I think I liked the first few seasons#but then anything past like season 4 (or whenever they started having established people who already ran food trucks on there#instead of taking a bunch of peope who had never run a food truck before and giving them one - which is a much more equal footing#premise to me) I have just been increasingly annoyed at and I really just have the show on for background noise#whilst doing chores or something and am not genuinely paying that much attention but... my god.. At least try to pretend its fair lol#WHICH I KNOWW... you can say 'well the other teams could do similar if they wanted.' or blah blah. tehcnically it's THEIR choice to#make stuff from scratch and not sell a bunch of packaged frozen chicken wings dropped into a fryer over a shitty 6min waffle or etc.#but... I will never respect a $5 for 1tbsp of caramel sauce type of situation.. even if they win.. you will always be losers in my heart#So many teams with real cooking skill & good concepts go home to the 'slap nutella on fried dough' people... how...
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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....
#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it#i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks#and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance#but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day#and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs#but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it#i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it#which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit#but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space#yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz#.diaries#hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse#very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..
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anyway i am so sorry yaelorke
#this genuinely keeps happening with so much shit and then ill see people everywhere going#'omg im so quirky for liking this idk if youve heard of this this is so underrated' etc and its like not anymore its fucking not!#i wouldnt mind it if they didnt ruin it yk like getting attention and enjoyment of your work espec as an indie creator is fucking awesome#but not when you dont even get basic respect#like welcome home too thats moreso tumblr but thats another one that people became fucking atrocious about#its terrible and i hate seeing it and i hate all the posts the creators have to make repeating their boundaries#and the lack of genuine engagement and the fandomization of everything and aurhghhhg#i dont know how to word this properly but projects by smaller teams or even one person you Can Not treat them the same#as series or books or games or whatever made as large companies anf you cant treat the creators the same way and im tired of it#the parasocialism is crazy the lack of respect is crazy its so goddamn frustrating#and its made so much worse bc these small creators can See you doing this they are right here#stop ruining their works for them it makes me feel so bad#it keeps happening!!!!! either you never get found ever or you do but by the wrong people and then your project becomes hell#literally is it that hard
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by 🫡#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months 👍#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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Okay after freaking out about alhaitham it’s time to be neurotic again that girl is freaking me out sm :D
#like bro I don’t understand wallah I don’t#I’m so confused and it’s literally ruining everything#dora daily#AND I NEVER SAY WALLAH ABOUT ANYTHING THIS IS HOW BAD ITS RUINING ME AAAAAAH#on one hand she’s ignoring me on the other she isn’t and she genuinely doesn’t see any of my posts#on the other she just forgot#ALL OF WHICH ARE SHIT OPTIONS#IT ISNT FAIR#i even tried liking her posts to show her yo I’m alive in case she didn’t see#I TRIED SENDING HER AN ASK ABOUT SOMETHING WEEKS AGO AND SHE DIDNT REPLY#I am trying so freaking hard and it is not working#and it’s fucking me up because what the fuck did I even do man#I didn’t do anything different#why do people ALWAYS do this I don’t fucking get it#it would’ve been much kinder if she just dropped me from the beginning when I was so hesitant with her#before I got so attached because what she’s doing right now is literally not only torture but so incredibly cruel#like I was getting obsessed with this one girl at work once but she ghosted me relatively early on in the very beginning stages of my#obsession coming into fruition and guess what IM TOTALLY FINE WITH IT NOW#BUT SHE LET THE RELATIONSHIP DEVELOP FOR MONTHS#then introduced a third party then now she doesn’t even acknowledge me#she is making me sewerslidal and it’s literally ruining everything#any time I would try to study I think of her and it freaks me out#every time I try to focus I think of her and it freaks me out#even when I go to sleep bro#like 8 ish weeks ago or so it literally was making me so messed up that if I hadn’t gone outside for a necessary out of uni task then my dad#taking me sight seeing in said area I genuinely don’t know what would have happened#because the level of rage I felt or whatever it was#was the most insane form of genuine torture ever#THIS WHOLE POST SEEMS NEUROTIC AND I’m just like I don’t even know anymore man#but what do I even do atp like bro
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genuinely so angry and scared im shaking. how many other times this week this month this year have i been exposed without knowing it. do people even tell each other anymore. it’s just so grim. it’s so fucking grim
#purrs#delete later#covid19#i am fighting for my fucking life every day to stay safe and to keep the people around me some of whom are disabled / chronically ill /#immunocompromised / medically vulnerable safe. i am fucking fighting for my life. it’s already hard that i am usually one of two people in#any given room still wearing a mask let alone an n95 mask. hard and bad enough that we get looks for wearing masks and people think im crazy#for my life still being on hold and for my family still basically never going anywhere. ITS FUCKING WORSE that we are still very much in the#throes of all of it and we are in constant physical and quite frankly EXISTENTIAL danger not only of getting sick / becoming (more)#disabled / literally fucking dying but also returning to the absolute hell of lockdown which while important was psychologically damaging in#ways that are difficult to even articulate. like not only have we as a society decided to not give a shit about unpacking all of that and#healing from the trauma and assuming everyone went through the same thing when we very much did not and to just send everybody back to#school and work because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 but we have ALSO decided to pretend like the freakish unceasing danger just doesn’t exist#anymore and to get rid of every tool we had available to keep us safe or at minimum make people have to pay exorbitant amounts of money to#access them because 🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑capitalism🤑🤑🤑🤑🤑 !!!!!!! im TIRED. im so fucking tired of it. i am so fucking exhausted and angry and scared. and i#HAVE the luxury and privilege of being able to afford n95 masks and covid tests and to be able to work a job that i can do remotely if i#need to and to not be disabled or immunocompromised. what makes me fucking furious is we decided to throw all the people who don’t have#that access or privilege under the fucking bus and forget about them lol. but what do you expect from a country rotten to its core the way#it is lol. im fucking despondent. why are we living in an incinerator.#* the lockdown(s) werent just important they were necessary. and arguably we should have another one even though if we do i genuinely fear#for my mental health both during and afterwards and quite frankly before. im tired. i am grateful for the life i live which has resulted in#part from the different things that have happened because of the pandemic but i also so desperately wish this never happened and every day I#think about what life would be like if it hadn’t happened. the grief of it all is unspeakably big.
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