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becauseicantthinkwritings · 1 year ago

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With All That I Am

Billy Russo x Female Reader

Part 7 of my Accidentally on Purpose Series

Warnings: Hospitals, injury recovery, cockwarming, oral (f receiving), angst, hurt/comfort.

SIX MONTHS AGO

There's something about Dominic Saintclair that Billy had never liked.

He could never put his finger on it. Maybe it was the pretentiousness of his actions, the way he looked like he'd never had a hard day in his life, the lackadaisical way he treated things as if they were replaceable.

The way he didn't understand that the most valuable thing he had, was the one thing he was mistreating right now.

"I swear, she doesn't know when to leave me alone." Dominic says loudly in the opulent bar, a place that was more red velvet seats and accented gold ornaments than anything else. It was somewhere Billy brought the clients he could impress easily, ones that didn't understand what the best brand of gin for a negroni was, or that whiskey shouldn't be served with ice. It was simply a place that glittered, gorgeous on the surface with no real substance... or character... not unlike the man in question.

Billy looks down at Dominic's cloned phone. All you had said was that you hoped he was having fun.

"Maybe you're just not fucking her enough." One of his friends joke.

"Oh fuck off. I fuck her more than enough, maybe that's why she's so needy." It gets a round of laughter from his friends, and a disgusted frown from Billy.

At the bar, only a few tables away, Billy's hand tightens on his glass of whiskey, his back is to the group, and he's positioned in a dark enough corner to be unnoticed while still being able to hear the conversation.

"Anyways, enough about that, finish telling me about the red head." Dominic says, and Billy is forced to listen to him talk about other women when he has the best one.

Billy thinks about how stupidly simple it would be to kill your boyfriend, but doing it now would create more problems. You wouldn't know how much of an asshole he really was, for starters, you'd probably convince yourself that you'd been deeply in love with him before his untimely death. People tended to put dead loved ones on a pedestal, forgiving them unless their crimes were truly heinous.

No, you had to see Dominic for his true colours first. Then, and only then, he would wipe your stain of a boyfriend from the earth.

Billy listens to Dominic say some more vile things, fully understanding his hatred for the man now. Dominic was manipulative, showing you one face, and yet secretly thinking something else behind your back. With a frown, he scrolls through your older messages.

You always seemed to be reaching for him, supportive of the things he said. He never voiced his support for you in return.

What a fucking waste of space. To have someone as precious as you, and to take you for granted.

If he had you... he'd worship you. Without a doubt, Billy would kiss every inch of your skin, kneel at your feet if you asked, kiss you at every waking moment.

When another text comes in from you, he smiles.

As predicted, you text a second time after you've seen his read receipts and no response has come in from your idiot boyfriend.

'Are you alright?' You text.

The corner of Billy's mouth lifts, he wishes you were sending texts like this to him.

Dominic responds.

'Yes. I'm fine. Stop bothering me.'

Billy's smile drops.

You don't respond, but you see the message. He knows that you're hurt by it.

Billy's thoughts go violent again.

Anonymously, Billy has bought round after round of shots for the men, until they're wasted, and their lips are loose and he can soak in all the information possible. He plots while he listens, and he learns so much, until he could pick apart any man there in his sleep.

Their numbers dwindle, until it's just two men there, and he waits patiently for Dominic to stand on inebriated feet and head off to the bathroom.

Billy knows that Dominic is barely functional right now, having taken shot after shot, Billy is aware that Dominic will not remember any bit of whatever is happening right now.

With that information, he texts Dominic's companion from the cloned phone.

'Feeling better now, ordered an Uber, you can go ahead without me.'

Billy watches his friend read the text, finish his drink and then leave.

Too easy.

Dominic is so far gone that when he returns to his seat, he barely notices that his friend's things are gone, and Billy acts fast to stop Dominic from realising that anything is amiss.

"Saintclair." Billy greets, whiskey in hand, looking around to make sure that no one is looking, "Drinking all by yourself?"

Dominic looks up at Billy and squints.

"Mister Russo?"

Billy hums the affirmative.

"Got room for company?" The words are bitter in his mouth.

Billy doesn't wait for an answer, pushing the inebriated man deeper into the booth and sliding into the space next to him. He hates this place, literally just designed for showing off, he glances at Dominic, who's lost in his own head, staring at his drink.

Nothing this man was thinking could ever be worth your time.

He raises his hand to the bartender, calling for another round of shots.

Dominic only has time to adjust his body, from his slumped, hazy demeanour, to appear like someone with all their critical thinking skills functional.

Billy spikes the drink with a little bit of melatonin, it's more than enough at Dominic's current level of intoxication.

"Wasn't drinking by myself, but the rest of guys have already left." Dominic slurs, and Billy raises his eyebrows, extending the spiked shot to the already drunk man.

He gives Dominic the opportunity to decline the shot, doesn't force it into his hands, just holds it out expectantly and watches the younger man choose his own self-destruction.

He kind of delights in it, the anarchy he's capable of. Each person has a role to play and it's always nice when they do it as expected.

Dominic throws back the shot with him and internally, Billy begins his internal stopwatch.

"I hope the job's treating you well." Billy hums, uncaring of what the man next to him has to say. He just has to make small talk for fifteen minutes, before the drug kicks in.

Billy asks about some of his coworkers, and then his phone pings, alerting him to a message.

"Clingy." Is all Dominic has to say, looking at his phone when Billy inquires casually.

His eyebrows raise, watching his employee yawn, the drug beginning to take effect.

"If you don't like her that much, then why are you with her?" Billy asks, trying to keep the anger out of his tone.

"Why not?" Is the last thing Dominic says before he slumps over onto the table, asleep.

Billy blinks, an angry sneer growing on his face. What a careless piece of shit. He reaches for Dominic's phone, unlocks it and opens your messages the way he's done a hundred times before.

'At least tell me you're okay.' You'd texted.

"Prick." Billy swears, typing out a message to you on Dominic's phone.

'I'm alright sweetness, just getting ready to go home.' After a moment, he sends another message.

'I'm sorry about that last message, you don't bother me.'

He finds himself smiling when your text bubbles appear almost immediately.

'That's alright! I understand that you probably just wanted some time with your friends.' You say.

You were so quick to forgive, it made Billy's heart sour with the thought that Dominic didn't deserve your forgiveness.

'How was your night?' He asks, smiling fondly when he gets a picture of you wearing a fluffy robe and face mask.

'Very pretty, baby.' He replies, which earns a little '😳' face in response.

How sweet you were, saccharine and sticky, Billy could find himself eating you up quite easily.

'I mean it. I think you're fucking gorgeous.'

It takes a moment to get your response.

'How much have you had to drink exactly?'

Billy grits his teeth, looking over at the unconscious fuck. He barely ever tells you how pretty you are. It's why you think he's drunk now.

'A bit, but that doesn't make it any less true. You are beautiful.'

You don't respond immediately, Billy spends five minutes refreshing Dominic's phone until he gets a very shy 'Thank you,' in response.

He smiles, pockets Dominic's phone.

"Time to get you home, Saintclair." He says to the unconscious man.

He gets someone from the bar to help him get Dominic into the back seat of his car, uncaring of how he's placed, thanking the larger man with a hefty tip before getting into his car.

'You didn't tell me what you did today.' He sends before driving off.

He hears several different message notifications while he drives, and he can't help smiling, because for once, you were finally talking to him, and not as a stranger, but as someone familiar.

It was much harder to get Dominic to his apartment due to the lack of help he'd had from earlier, yet Billy made do with tossing the unconscious man over his shoulder, and then putting him down when they were in the elevator.

Billy really could have left Dominic anywhere, at the bar, or at the front steps to his apartment, or even at the door, with his keys in hand to have him wake up there in the morning horrified that he was so drunk he couldn't even make it inside.

But Billy drops Dominic on his bed instead, after accidentally bumping his head on a few door frames, he decides that he'd keep the drunk asshole safe this time...for you.

After, Billy sits in Dominic's living room, and opens up his phone once more.

'Okay, this doesn't mean anything but I went to a jewellery store today. I was looking at earrings and then I couldn't help looking at the engagement rings.'

Oh? Billy thinks.

'They were all shiny and even though I like shiny, they didn't feel like me you know? I feel like if we ever... uhhhh.... you know.... get married, I'd want something more unique you know?'

'Hello? Are you there? Did I scare you off? This isn't me asking for a wedding, I'm just saying.'

'Dominic?'

Billy sucks in a breath.

'I'm here, sorry, just got home.' he replies, tries to ignore the pain inside of him that worsens with the thought of you getting married to anyone other than him.

'Oh... Hi' you respond.

Billy smiles.

'Hi, do you have any ideas of what you think might be for you?'

He can almost see your excitement.

'Are you sure? If this is weird, you can say so.'

How cute, the way you care.

'I'd really like to see them.' He answers.

You send a link, and indeed, they're beautiful and unique and Billy can't help the thoughts of wearing it, and having you wear the other.

'These are the ones I've always dreamed of.' you add on with the attached pictures.

He bites down on his bottom lip, closes his eyes, and imagines how perfect your hands would look linked together, decorated with matching rings. The thought makes him hard.

'They have to be custom ordered though, really expensive, I'm sure we can find something cheaper.'

Absolutely not.

'They're beautiful. Tell me your ring size so that I can surprise you.'

He makes note of it when you send it.

'I can't wait to marry you.' He says.

'Well now I know you really are drunk.' You respond.

Billy has a quick moment of realisation when he remembers that you think you're talking to Dominic.

His smile drops.

'I am drunk. But you're still the most amazing person on the planet. I think you might be it for me.' And Billy means it. He means every word. He plans to marry this sweet girl that waltzed her way into his life and believed in him after two conversations.

'I love you.' Comes your reply.

Billy smiles.

'I love you too.'

He stays with you until you fall asleep, telling you all the sweet things he's ever wanted to say, dodging personal topics that he doesn't know the answers to. When you're finally asleep, he stands, checks the time, and goes back to Dominic's room, dropping his phone onto the bed beside his sleeping form.

Billy almost considers hitting him, enjoying the thought of giving him a black eye in the morning, but that had the possibility of scaring him into not drinking again, and Billy couldn't have that.

So he leaves, walks out of your boyfriend's apartment, and does not set it on fire like he wants to.

NOW

You stare calmly at the elevator doors. The smell of hospital filling the air around you. In a way, there was an ease to it, a comfort in the sterile cleanliness, a place designed to turn chaos into order.

You sip on your coffee, feeling refreshed after popping back home for a quick shower and supplies for Billy. You didn't want to leave, but you knew you wouldn't be able to stay while the nurses changed his bandages, the wound too fresh to introduce any foreign bacteria. So you'd decided to make yourself useful in the meantime.

Frank was still here somewhere, waiting for you to return so that he could leave. You'd both had tentatively agreed that Billy should not be left alone under any circumstance, surprised that you and his best friend had been on a similar wavelength when it came to caring for him.

Frank's in the waiting room taking a call when you see him. He gives you a little nod, and a gesture of his head that tells you it's okay to go see him.

You do exactly that, making your way to the nurses' station to sign in before heading to his room.

You stop short when at the door, you hear the sound of female laughter.

It's not laughter exactly, it's... giggling.

It's obviously flirtatious, in that pitch that's just too high to be normal.

You hear Billy's voice next, too far away to make out what he's saying but he sounds polite.

Followed by more giggling.

Pure jealousy rears its head.

You had only been gone for an hour and someone had taken the opportunity to begin flirting with your husband?

Something dark blooms inside you, and you take a deep breath, and walk through the doors with your head high.

Two pairs of eyes turn to look at you.

"I'm back." You say calmly, smiling.

Billy smiles at you, his hair askew in every direction as if he hasn't ever heard of a brush. It's adorable, makes him look so much more boyish than usual. Your eyes go to the young nurse, that's currently taking Billy's blood pressure, quietly sizing her up, deciding if she was worth any sort of trouble at all.

"Hey baby, did you get one of those for me?" He asks, referring to the cappuccino in your hands.

You look down at him, close enough to see the tiredness under his eyes although you know this is the most amount of sleep he's ever gotten.

"Sorry, doctor said no." You respond.

Billy lets out a pained groan, and you can't help it, leaning forward to place a soft kiss on his temple.

He sighs, reaching up to take your hand in his, you watch his eyes linger on your wedding ring.

"I was just explaining to Becca here how easy it was to ignore the pain for so long."

Becca?

Your eyebrows raise in amused displeasure.

"Yeah," she adds in with a wistful smile, "If he didn't pass out from the pain he probably wouldn't have gotten help in time."

Great, a reminder that you weren't there when he'd almost died. You're pretty sure that the only expression you show her is one of disdain.

'Careful,' you think maliciously in her direction, 'If he likes you enough he'll cage you like a bird.'

"How are his vitals?" You ask blankly, trying to get her out of here as soon as possible, ignoring the way Billy looks up at you in confusion at your clipped tone.

"They're uh, they're good! But-" She begins to say, but stops short and presses the back of her hand to Billy's forehead. You blink, clenching your teeth together. You're pretty sure this wasn't medically professional, and you suck in a slow breath to stop yourself from smacking her hand away from your husband.

"Are you feeling okay Bil- Mister Russo? Your heart rate is a bit high." she continues.

You glance up at her monitor in question, and sure enough the little number on screen next to the pulsing heart symbol was just a little above one hundred.

You knew that his heart shouldn't be going at near a hundred beats per minute if he was mostly stationary in bed.

Billy lets out a nervous laugh. You look down at him in confusion.

"Yean, that's- I'm fine- It's just... well... her." He explains, glancing up at you for a second.

Me? You think incredulously, blinking.

His heart is beating fast because you were near him?

Your anger dissolves as fast as it had appeared, stomach fluttering, you try to fight the smile pulling at your face but you inevitably fail.

He doesn't look up at you, so you grip his jaw, tilting his head up.

Absentmindedly, you're aware of the nurse excusing herself from the room.

You press your lips to his swiftly, delight spreading down your body when he groans against your mouth. You deepen the kiss and he accepts it eagerly.

After a moment, you pause, turning your head to look at the little monitor, His heart rate having gone up to one hundred and twenty.

"Still jealous?" he asks, with a cheeky smile.

You don't answer, leaning in to kiss him softly once more.

"Please." Billy begs.

"No." You whisper, bumping your nose against his, adjusting your body under the sheets so that you're both fully covered.

"Just a little bit." He tries to bargain.

"You move, and I'll stop. You cum, and I'll stop."

He lets out a harsh breath.

"You're being really mean to me." He pouts.

"If you rip a stitch, I won't touch you until they come out."

He groans, frustrated.

Unable to resist, you clench around his cock.

"That's not fair." he gasps desperately.

"Sorry, this isn't entirely easy for me either."

Currently, you were both under his sheets, on your back, both legs draped over his hip, while he lies on his left side facing you. It was a position that had made it very easy for him to slip himself inside of you, allowing you to keep his cock warm.

He swallows, looking at you with warm eyes.

"You feel so good around me. You know that?"

How was he allowed to say things like that while literally stretching you open? God, you could feel the tip of his cock nestled snugly in the very deepest parts of you, every inch of your cunt sighing in relief at finally being so full of him.

You feel yourself get smaller under his gaze, soft, gentle, unnameable in its unfamiliarity.

"If it feels half as good as it does for me, then yeah, I know." you reply easily.

He smiles, it causes butterflies to flutter in gentle circles within you.

"You're beautiful." he murmurs softly.

It's your turn to swallow and look away.

Your eyes are drawn to his bare chest, and the snake tattoo that resides on his shoulder. He could not be real with the way he made you feel, like all the air in the room had simply vanished by his command, held even further out of reach by the thickness of his cock sitting still inside you.

"You really mean that?" You ask, your insecurity gaining a foothold in your head.

He reaches for your left hand, raises it up to his face so that he can lay a swift kiss onto your wedding ring.

"I do."

The door swinging open has your eyes widening from your shared spot under the sheets. Thankfully, you were still mostly clothed, where Billy was fully naked.

"Bill?" comes Frank's voice in question from his spot by the door.

Billy winks at you, before moving the sheet off your top halves to reveal you both to the open air.

"Hey Frank." Billy greets.

Frank takes one look at your positions and lets out a tired sigh.

"You two are fucking, aren't you?" The exasperated sound of his voice drawing a smile from you.

You can't help the laugh that leaves you, giving everything away.

Frank's disappointed expression makes Billy laugh too.

"Alright. I'm walking out this door, I'll be back in five minutes, your pants better be on, Russo."

"Make it ten!" Billy shouts just as Frank gives another disappointed shake of his head, and leaves the room.

Clothed now, in long blue linen pants, Billy kisses your temple, one arm wrapped securely around you as you lie beside him.

"Thanks for being here with me." He says softly, his hands gripping onto any available part of you he could reach, anything to pull you closer to him.

"What? Is Frank not good enough company?" You tease, beginning to laugh when you feel the scratch of his beard as he kisses your throat.

"Frank is usually in the bed beside me." he says into your neck, and you laugh at the imagery.

"Plus," he says in a softer, more serious tone as he pulls away for a moment. You turn to look at him curiously.

"I've never had someone worry about me the way you do."

"Ever?" You ask.

He shakes his head, looks down.

You're not sure what he's thinking, but it looks like guilt, all soft lines and sadness and you ache to make him feel better.

You lean forward, cupping his jaw. His eyes are so open for you that you think you can see his soul in them- a dark web of shadows, that glitters with vulnerability the more you look.

You wanted his vulnerability, you wanted him to open himself up to you, and share everything he was, everything he could be, until you were full of him.

Until you could taste him in your mouth, even when he wasn't around.

"I'm here now, and I'll worry. I'll fight anyone that stops me from getting to you. Including Frank Castle." You promise.

His frown grows into a smile.

"You're sure you don't wanna ride me? I'll stay really still."

You groan.

"No, no vigorous activity for at least four weeks."

"You riding me isn't vigorous."

"Yes, but I'd consider your orgasms vigorous." You reply, contemplating the way the muscles of his abdomen tended to tighten up when he came.

"Wait," Billy says in horror, "I can't come for four weeks?"

"You'll be fine." You huff.

"No I won't be." He protests.

"Just let me take care of you."

He couldn't argue with that.

"You hate me don't you?" Billy asks.

You try not to grin.

You turn to face him, clad in only your plainest underwear as you get ready for work. Somehow, he still saw beauty in you, even when you weren't trying. It was exhilarating.

Unfortunately you couldn't stay with him, a meeting had been scheduled that you didn't want to push back due to the difficulty in actually getting the meeting in the first place.

"Why? Is there something wrong with it?" You ask, turning playfully to show him the back and the front.

"Everything's fucking wrong with it," Billy grumbles from his spot in bed, head tilting back for a second in what looks like a plea to God himself.

"When I get these stitches out, you're gonna be in so much trouble." he says with a little grunt.

You hum, in thought.

"You know, now that I think about it, I don't think I'll wear underwear today." You taunt.

Billy groans loudly.

Something delightful blooms within you.

Wrong.

This was supposed to be wrong.

The more you think that, the more you know that this is the most right feeling in the world.

There was nothing in your old life that could ever possibly compare to him.

Usually, people coerced into marriage were subjected to inhumane treatment, impossible and abusive environments, that sucked the very living soul out of them.

The most soul sucking being done to you was when you'd been forced to deny Billy the pleasure of tasting you last night.

The pleasure of tasting you... because to him... it really was a pleasure.

You swallow, sitting at his desk, tense in his comfortable chair. You'd become someone he'd wanted.

Or maybe you'd always been. When had he decided to marry you anyways?

You blink, shock spearing through you.

What if your feelings weren't real? But simply a defence response to your circumstances.

A tired sigh leaving your lips. A shake of your head.

Would you want him if you weren't trapped by him?

The question eats away at your sanity. You spin it around and around in your head and still you can't find an answer.

You're scared by it. By the notion of losing him.

You're also scared by the idea of staying with him, still not fully understanding what he was capable of.

Which fear was right?

And which one would break your heart?

Billy says your name in question when he hears a door slam shut.

"Just me, Bill." Is Frank's answering voice.

"Where is she?" He murmurs, throat dry, looking up at the ceiling. The pain meds held him in a state of mild confusion, spaced out so that he wasn't in any pain, but unable to truly focus on the things happening around him.

He hears the slow pour of water, peeks an eye open to find Frank beside him. He struggles to sit up, tucking a second and then third pillow behind him for support and gratefully accepting the glass of water from Frank.

"It's only two, her meeting just started so you'll see her a little later."

Billy nods, ignoring Frank's gaze as he sips the water.

"I've never seen you so down bad before."

Billy's laugh bubbles in the glass he's holding.

"What can I say? I'm a romantic." He answers flippantly.

Frank snorts loudly in knowing disbelief. Billy frowns.

"You don't think it's fast? Is she... does she have something on you?"

Anger spears itself through Billy, some at Frank, most at himself.

I'm a monster, he thinks.

He turns away, not wanting Frank to read the expression on his face, wondering if his look of guilt alone will put the pieces together in Frank's head.

"It's not like that." He says easily, thinking to himself what a sick fuck he must be to coerce someone so glorious, so awe-inspiring, into marriage against her will.

He thinks he hates himself for it.

"She told me you got accidentally married. I can't imagine a version of you, however drunk, that would accept marriage."

Frank was getting too close. Billy had to say something to appease him.

"I'd met her before, at... a company party or two. I liked her, but she had a boyfriend."

When Billy doesn't continue, Frank is forced to prompt.

"And?"

Billy stares down at the sheets. The very sheets you'd slept under last night.

"And when I met her in Vegas, they'd just broken up, and I wanted something with her, and I don't remember how, but the next day I woke up married to her and I was so happy."

It's mostly the truth, the best tale he can spin in his state.

"I know it doesn't make sense, Frankie, but when I'm with her... I'm the man I've always wanted to be."

Frank is quiet for too long now, and Billy is forced to turn his head and look up at his best friend curiously.

Both men stare at each other in silence for a moment.

"Alright, okay, I'm sold, bring her around to meet Maria and the kids." Frank says finally.

If anything, this was Frank Castle's ultimate seal of approval. Introducing strangers to his family was not an occasion to be taken lightly.

Billy grins up at Frank.

"I can't believe I had to lose my appendix to get her invited to a Castle family dinner. You're so gullible, Frank." Billy teases.

He's rewarded with a gentle smack to his shoulder.

You run your hands over the fabric of your dress, deep in thought.

Was it too much? You think you might be overdressed.

It was a lovely beige colour, maybe tan, knee length with a vintage design and little puff sleeves. You'd liked how it looked in the store. Now? You honestly felt like it was a little much.

Maybe Billy would be able to help you decide.

You call his name, walking out of your shared closet and toward the living room where you saw him last.

You spin the corner and find him already coming toward you.

"Are you okay?" He asks, dressed casually in a grey shirt and black pants.

You stumble over your words, your brain spinning too fast for you to keep up.

"W- yeah- I was coming to ask your opinion, but I am so clearly overdressed." You turn on your heel to go back into the bedroom.

"Oh no you don't." Billy says, and before you know it, he's grabbed a hold of your wrist, pulling you into his body.

You gasp, eyes widening on his face as he presses you against the wall of the hallway.

Your heart pounds in your chest at his proximity. Your need for him outweighs rational thought until you have to remind yourself that he's still recovering. If he touched you right now though, he'd find you already wet, and eager for him.

While you've been fighting your aching desire, he's taken the time to run the tips of his fingers across the apple of your cheek.

"God. You're so pretty." He whispers, warm eyes spilling euphoria into you.

He couldn't mean that. Could he?

You glance away, only to be forced into looking back at him when he grabs your jaw roughly.

The tension between you feels like an electric charge, that heightens as he gets closer.

It's like he's never touched you before, like the sensation is brand new, and not months old.

"I should change," You whisper, "This dress is too much."

He takes a deep breath, his hand glides from gripping your jaw to curl around your throat. Your breath stutters at the feeling. Something flutters low, an ache to be filled rears its head.

"You're gorgeous. In anything you wear. I'd want you in a ball gown or a potato sack."

Good lord.

When you smile, he brings his fingers up to press against your lips, exploring the shape of your smile, appreciating the softness.

"You mean that?" You ask, a little unsure.

His dark eyes devour you, unfocused as he looks at you, balancing on the precipice of admiring you and imagining just exactly what he wants to do to you.

"Why don't I show you?" He offers.

You reach to grip his elbows when it seems like he's going to kneel.

"No, we- you're still recovering and I don't think it's fair that I get to cum if you can't."

He lets out a low grunt, pressing his body roughly against yours, his palms against the wall on either side of your head, his forehead and nose pressed to yours. The intensity of his gaze makes you turn your head to look away, he's got the demeanour of a man starved, desperate, borderline unhinged.

He doesn't let you move far, fingers curling around the back of your neck to bring you back to face him.

"Little wife," he says so deeply that you're not sure if it's a promise or a threat.

"Lift your dress up for me, or I'll tie you up and lick your cunt anyway."

You gulp. The very thought of being helpless while he-

Fuck, but you didn't even have the time, Frank would be expecting you in an hour.

You let out a breath, feeling more than seeing the smile that forms on his face as you begin gathering the materials of your skirt into your fists.

"Good." he says finally, and you can only feel your body throb with heat in response.

There's the gentlest kiss to your mouth, something of a promise, a pledge that when he's done with you, you won't remember how to walk.

You squeeze your eyes shut as he kneels, you know that when he reaches up to tug your underwear down the length of your legs, that he'll see the desperation he causes.

He swears when he sees it, drawing out the syllables as he witnesses the way your arousal clings to the little piece of fabric protecting your modesty.

You swallow, the materials bunched in your hands no doubt wrinkling with the force.

He takes his time, tracing coarse fingers over your calve, behind your knee and up your thigh, pulling gently to guide one of your legs over his shoulder.

He doesn't bother to touch your centre, circle your sweet bud with his thumb like he wants to, he uses his tongue right away.

You take in a sharp breath at the contact. The tip of his tongue meeting your clit affectionately, like old friends reuniting.

A shiver goes down your spine, you crush your bottom lip between your teeth.

"Billy." You whisper softly, tilting your head back as his tongue flattens on you.

He takes it slow, remarkably gentle on your hypersensitive body, having gone relatively long in recent times without an orgasm, you feel like just the right move will pull you apart at the seams.

You let out a little groan, sighing as his pace quickens, his tongue pushing deeper, so that he can get a taste of you directly from the source.

It's primal, soft, ritualistic in the way that his tongue worships you, your eyes rolling back in your head as he draws you close to your peak.

There's an obscene sucking sound, followed closely by a hum of pleasure from between your legs. You feel your body tense, coiled tight on the precipice of bliss, thighs trembling as he keeps his tongue focused on your clit, lapping gently, and then a little harsher, to be gentle again.

His beard scratches your thighs, and even that is an aphrodisiac by itself, reminding you constantly that it's his mouth on you, his tongue on your cunt, his head between your thighs.

A sharp whine of warning, your stomach tightens, your breath stutters.

A groan of approval from him, the soft twist of his fingers on your skin, as if to encourage you, to tell you how good you're being for him, and all you ever want to do now is be good for him.

Being deconstructed by his mouth should be a lot harder, and yet, Billy makes it look like a basic endeavour.

Your toes curl, head knocking the wall, you feel like you're coming apart, atom by atom, the force of your pleasure barely contained within your skin. You feel the walls of your cunt clamp down into a tight vise, as wave after wave of bliss fills every square inch of your body.

You barely make more than a quiet gasp- too inebriated on his tongue to even scream.

He keeps licking you gently, lazily, trembling shudders working through your system until you're forced to tap his shoulder for a reprieve.

Another obscene sound when he pulls away, looking up at you, his mouth and beard shiny with your release.

He puts you back on two feet, but your knees buckle once the full weight of you is on them.

He stands swiftly, arms wrapping around you to pull you to his body keeping you upright, a small grunt leaving him.

You blink, struggling to restart your brain.

You realise his grunt is one of pain, as he tries to hold you up, it's what kickstarts your brain into working.

You grip his biceps, straightening your legs under you and willing them to stay that way.

"Sorry." You whisper, trying to take a deep breath.

"It's alright. If I could, I would have picked you up myself." He whispers back, and you raise your head to look into his eyes.

Something unnameable passes between you, you can't put a finger on it- but it feels like quiet appreciation for each other.

He helps you to the couch, sitting you down before disappearing into the bathroom.

When he re-emerges, it's with a clean face and a damp washcloth.

He encourages you down to the car after cleaning you and redressing you. You try to tell him that you're capable- but he won't have it.

He slides into the back of the car beside you, and almost immediately tucks your body against his, pulling your legs over one of his for comfort.

You sag, still fatigued from such a powerful orgasm.

Jesus, was it always going to be like that? All mind-consuming and explosive?

You smile when he kisses your forehead, tilting your head up to let him kiss you softly on the mouth.

Delightful, consuming, everything about him was just so... tantalising, you wanted to spend hours learning him, take days to map every thought in his head, every idea in his heart.

He was a dangerous enigma, a slippery slope.

And you were falling.

When Frank pulls the door to his house open, he gives you both a very suspicious look.

After a moment, he lets out a long sigh of disappointment.

"You two better not fuck in my house." He threatens.

"How can you even tell?" Billy asks in disbelief, reading into the quiet accusations being made by Frank.

"Isn't it obvious?" Frank asks, opening the door wider to let you in.

"Hi Frank," you say in greeting as you walk past him. He says your name, with a small nod of acknowledgement.

You take a moment to appreciate their house, it's warm and cozy, with lots of baseball trophies lining the mantle over the fireplace. There's a lot of pinks and beiges, a cozy line of couches near the fire.

Before you can do more looking, you hear a woman's voice.

"Is that them?" She asks, spinning into the room.

This must be Maria, you think, as you watch her take Billy into an aggressive hug, giving him a kiss to the cheek before letting him go in a flourish, a look of violation comically painted on his face.

When she turns to you next, you gulp.

She's very pretty, with lovely auburn hair. You notice a large scar curving from the corner of her eye down to the edge of her chin.

You only get a second of awareness before she's taking you into a hold just as violent as the one she'd trapped Billy in.

You can't help but giggle at her blatant showing of affection.

She says your name in greeting.

"I hear you kneed Frank in the balls. Well done."

You splutter for an excuse.

"I'm sorry-"

"-Don't be," she interjects, "I wished I'd seen it myself."

You smile, looking over to Frank, who is mid-roll of his eyes.

"That'll cost you later, big boy. Come! Dinner is almost ready." Maria says quickly, turning away and you let out a little chuckle in response to Frank's apologetic face.

"Billyyyyyyyyy." You hear someone shout, and you watch in horror as a small blur begins racing to your husband.

Your mouth opens, subtly stepping in front of him, ready to catch said blur.

Frank beats you to it, grabbing his son under the arms and picking him up for a second before putting him back down.

"Woah there slugger, take it easy on Uncle Billy, he just had surgery."

You sigh, moving away from Billy so that he can hug his godson in peace. You catch Maria staring at you. You give her a smile of apology before looking away.

"Frank, I want you to meet my wife," Billy says, turning the younger Frank's body in your direction.

You can instantly see the suspicious look on his face.

You tell him your name, extending your hand politely in greeting.

He takes it, shaking your hand politely, it's the best you can hope for, being a stranger in their home.

"You're not a gold digger are you?" Frank Jr. says suddenly.

It's met with lots of scolding from his parents. You can't help laughing at everyone's shocked expressions.

"Where did you even learn that word?" Frank says, exasperated.

"In school." Younger Frank answers honestly.

Billy straightens, gives you an apologetic look.

"She's not with me for my money, junior, I'm with her cause she's sweet." He wraps a hand around your shoulders, pulling you into his chest.

You can't look at him, leaning in and accepting the comfort.

You meet Lisa next, Frank's older daughter, she's polite, but you can also see the accusation in her eyes.

You figure it's nice, that at least there are people looking out for Billy, though, you almost want to shout his crimes so that you stop being treated so abrasively.

Billy had warned you that the Castles could be protective, that they'd like you once they got to know you.

You'd hoped that were true.

When Maria asks how you and Billy met during dinner, you both pause in horror as the answer comes to mind.

You let out a long sigh.

"We met a couple of years ago, at a Christmas party, my boyfriend at the time was working at Anvil." You say with a smile.

Maria nods eagerly in understanding. You can see how bad it looks.

"Alright," you say, finally having enough. Your fork clatters onto your plate and you watch Billy turn his head to you in alarm.

"Cards on the table. No, I'm not with him for his money- and I'm not pregnant either if any of you are thinking it. I like him. I like his stupid face and his stupid laugh and I feel safe around him and I never really had that before." You pause for a second, taking a sip of water before continuing.

"Sure, how we met wasn't the best, and how we got married was even worse, but I like him."

Billy reaches over, taking your hand in his, you glance up at him, your stomach tying into knots as you meet his eyes.

"He's my best friend." You finish.

You feel his hand squeeze yours.

Billy leans forward, his other hand cupping your cheek and hiding your mouths from view as he kisses you softly.

The entire table erupts into groans, mostly from both Franks and you can't help laughing into his kiss.

It lightens the mood though, and there's less tension in the air by the time dinner is finished.

Everyone helps with cleaning up, and you find yourself drying dishes next to Maria while the rest of the family clear the table.

"He's not someone we'd ever thought could settle down." Maria murmurs.

You look up at her curiously.

She sees your confused expression and tries to explain.

"He's always just been so focused on himself, there were a lot of bad things about his childhood, and more in the military, and we just never thought he could be in a spot where he could live with someone. He tends to push people away after a while. Even us."

You look down, letting out a long sigh, wondering what you would do if he ever tried to push you away.

Accept it, you guess. What could you really do if he decided he didn’t want you anymore? Nothing.

“But don’t worry.” She interjects, you look up at her, eyes settling on her wicked scar for a second before you look down at your dish, “He likes you, he really does, maybe you did have a rough start, but I have faith in both of you.”

Your mouth pulls into a smile, you thank her for her kind words.

You play Jenga with them next, laughing and tickling Billy’s left side affectionately to distract him while he moves.

He grins, his hand remains remarkably steady while you torment him with your fingers. Everyone jeers, encouraging his loss, booing him when he manages to get the block on top of the tower without toppling it.

Your turn is next and you smile happily as you lean forward to make your move. You feel his hand on the small of your back, rubbing affectionately as you pick your piece. He doesn’t try to shake you or cheat like you did while you pull your piece out. The rest of the Castle family boo you in funny ways, and you have this moment of realisation that this is what family feels like.

When you get your wooden brick seated next to Billy’s, he kisses you on the temple, murmuring a ‘Good job, baby.’ into your ear in a low voice that has your body responding eagerly to him.

There’s a look that passes between you, something warm and electric, the silent guarantee that if you were alone right now, you’d be ripping at each other's clothes.

It’s Frank that drops the tower, after Maria whispers something into his ear quietly, and you smile at the way he looks at her in half betrayal and half adoration as everyone cheers for his loss.

You see it, you understand why these people are so important to him, the humanity inside each Castle is a unique thing, that makes the whole family unit just work so easily.

You’re glad to have met them, and you’re also sad when you have to bid them goodbye at the end of the night.

Maria hugs you both, Frank gives you an almost friendly pat on your shoulder. There’s a bittersweetness to it that you’ve barely felt before, a real family that you can be a part of, a promise to reunite soon that sparks hope inside of you.

You leave, hand in hand with Billy, a little bit happier than you were when you first arrived, feeling like you understood your husband just a little bit more.

In the car, he lets out a slow breath, tilting his head back. He’s in pain, you realise.

“My scar is starting to hurt.” he confesses, turning his head to look at you.

Your heart squeezes in your chest.

“We’ll get you home and get some medicine into you, okay?” You say softly, leaning into him, till your nose rubs affectionately against his.

He nods, eyes drooping as he feels your hand move to cup the healing area of his abdomen over his shirt gently. He leans into you, resting his head into the crook of your neck, your other hand moving up to play with his hair.

You feel him sigh in bliss.

You tug your heels off so that you have better balance to support him, encouraging him to lean into you a little so that he’s in a little less pain while you get him up to your apartment.

His pain has worsened by the time you sit him in bed and rummage through your cabinet for his medicine.

You get it to him first, making sure he finishes the glass of water you gave him before you begin taking his shoes off.

“You don’t have to-” He tries to sit up, “I can-” He grunts in pain when he curls forward too much.

You push him back gently, giving him a kiss to his forehead.

“Let me take care of you, yeah?”

You stroke his cheek with the backs of your fingers while you wait for him to respond.

“Yeah,” he sighs.

You tug his shoes off, and then undo his pants, giggling slightly when he struggles to lift his hips to help you.

You can’t help touching him, feeling over his thick thighs as they’re exposed to you. You kiss his happy trail when you see it, giggling when he groans.

“Tease.” He pouts.

You kiss his pout too.

Only after you strip him down to his boxers and carefully check his scar, do you tuck him into bed, moving to dress down for the night too.

When you struggle for too long with the zipper, you sit on the edge of the bed beside Billy and ask him for help.

He kisses your exposed back when he gets the zip undone.

When you’re finally in your silky PJs, you slide into bed beside him, noticing that he’s still awake, but blinking slowly.

“Are you still in pain?” You ask, tilting your head to observe him.

“No pain.” He answers, “Groggy.”

You sigh in relief, sliding closer to him, till you’re pressed to his side. Your hand slides into his rough one, and you quietly enjoy the feeling of being next to him until he speaks.

“I’ve never had this.” Billy whispers. You raise your head to look at him, noticing how unfocused his eyes are, staring up at the ceiling, blinking slowly, as if to remind himself that he’s still awake.

“The old me would have never confessed to anyone that I was hurting.”

He turns his head, glassy eyes focusing on you.

“But you… The way you fight for me makes me want to trust you more and more each time.” He swallows, “It’s scary.”

He raises a hand, cups your cheek and you can’t help leaning into him, closing your eyes in hopes that it puts him at ease, that he doesn’t feel stared at while he opens himself up to you.

“No one has ever taken care of me before. Not like you have. You look at me- and I- I mean something. You know?”

You open your eyes then, staring at him for a long moment, finding that your throat has closed up from your abundance of emotion.

“You mean a lot.” You whisper, your hand raising to cup his.

His eyes are glassy, almost on the brink of tears.

“I didn’t know.”

You’re in the kitchen making coffee two days after, scarily deep in thought.

In the quiet of the morning you think about everything that’s happened. From Dominic dumping you to the despair you felt when your annulment request had been denied. You think about it all, and you think about your mother, whose call you had ignored yesterday after walking out of her house when you found out Billy was sick.

You didn’t know how to approach her, or what you would say when she asked you the question she’d asked before.

Before you can think yourself into a downward spiral, an arm wraps itself around your waist. His hand is broad, spreading over your tummy and leaving warm tingles behind, his touch so comforting that you can’t help but smile and lean into him a little.

“Good morning, Mrs. Russo.” He grumbles softly, letting you know exactly what he thought of waking up alone in bed.

“What can I help you with, Mister Russo?” You tease, smiling as you both sway together.

There’s a moment of silence, filled only with the sounds of your shared breaths as you enjoy the presence of each other.

“I would like you to come back to bed. It’s a Saturday and you haven’t cuddled me for nearly long enough.”

You grin, rolling your eyes.

“Yeah? And what do I get if I come back to bed with you right now?”

He hums, nose pressing against your ear, one hand on your stomach and the other rising up to cup your jaw securely.

“I can think of many imaginative ways to thank you.” He murmurs, the heat of his breath tickling your ear gently.

It’s something you could never even think to dream of.

A/N: Sorry I've been so inactive... bad things have happened, just popping in to post this cause I don't want it to sit in my drafts for any longer.

#accidentally on purpose #accidentally on purpose married billy #billy russo #billy russo x reader #billy russo x female reader #the punisher #frank castle #my writings #billy russo smut

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fa-by · 6 months ago

Text

I LUV IT

Hi babies and dear Anons 👋🏼, me again 🙃. I posted a new Q&A yesterday, and @camrensrealbish (btw hi, bud 👋🏼😄) asked me in the comments if I could create a post just for I LUV IT's two analyses.

@camrensrealbish: “Hi Faby, I love the interpretation of I LUV IT. I luv it, I luv it, I luv it 👌😅. I think it explains so well that this era is not surface-level at all. That thought through lyricism and symbolism is definitely still here. And how we’re so eager to dismiss hyperpop as stupid and without substance, be it for our convictions about femininity or sexuality, or even caution because of how other people use women’s sexuality. But when done purposefully it just shows how showing someone’s sexuality in this way *can* be empowering and authentic. And I think this is the case here. Can you please post your song commentary in a separate post, please? I would like to share it properly 😘”.

I originally wanted to post the two analyses as I did here now, but I couldn't because Tumblr has limited the possibility of posting more than 30 pics and I don't know why the fuck 😤. So thank you, dear 🤗. You gave me the excuse to be able to do it 😉.

Enjoy 😊.

Hiii to you too, dear Anon 👋🏼😄. I hope you're good too and about your ask, sure 😉.

So. I LUV IT ft. Playboi Carti released on March 27, 2024, is the first single for her fourth LP: C, XOXO. It's a hyperpop/experimental pop song and it samples Lemonade by Gucci Mane and interpolates Cockiness (Love It) by my queen RiRi (Rihanna). The studio recording with Carti was completed on Dec 17, 2023: (Carti's instastory)

Let me tell you something, this song was meant to shock. She pulled a Yes, and? and it worked 😎. For those of you who don't know what I'm referring to by that, I meant that Yes, and? was Ariana Grande's single for her album Eternal Sunshine and it's a diva house/dance-pop song, which was a different and unexpected genre especially then comparing it to the rest of the songs in the album when it was later released. It's a great song, but if it weren't for the concept that connects to two other songs, it would have nothing to do with the rest of the album musically and sonically speaking. It was a calculated idea to make it different from the rest. It's very smart and it's a good strategy for both a comeback and an album. I feel like I LUV IT is exactly the same thing. An impactful comeback was needed and this, together with the platinum blonde and the new era in general, served the purpose. The song was meant to be talked about for better or for worse. And guess what? Mission accomplished 😜.

This song is not for everyone. There are those who loved it right away, those who hated it and still do, and there are those who hated it and then slowly loved it. In reality, most people hated it and then loved it 🤣. I personally didn't hate it but I didn't love it right from the start either, not gonna lie. I just liked it 🤷🏻‍♀️. But after the third listen? Bouncing ass, tongue out, aaaand I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it 🤣!! This song is definitely a grower! The more you listen to it, the more you become addicted to it 😍.

But anyway. Unlike the video, the lyrics talk about sex. So let's get started. Oh and, of course, I won't include Carti's mumbled Atlanta rap or as his fans say, the Cartinese, simply because he wrote his part.

***Btw, I can no longer listen to Carti’s “Oh, you on the road now? - Oh, you grown now? - Oh, you too grown now” without bursting out laughing 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣. I can't help but hear Nas' imitation of Carti's voice in the HE KNOWS music video🤣🤣🤣. For me, those three sentences have now become just one repeated X3: “Oh, you on the floor now” 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣***

Oh oh oh, last thing before starting. If you're a prude, LEAVE NOW. Skip the whole lyric analysis and go straight to the music video analysis. The song is about sex like I just said and I therefore won't hold back from explaining certain things, okay? I warned you 🙋🏻‍♀️. I don't wanna see complaints in the comments as happened years ago. Thank you.

Song

Verse 1:

“Supersonic, in your orbit”

So, supersonic. One word from which two derive: super and sonic. Super: above the rest, better than the rest. Sonic: derived from the Latin ‘sonus’ which means sound. Super-sound. Basically a loud noise, a sound/sonic boom that (the actual meaning of supersonic:) breaks the acoustic barrier by traveling at a speed faster than the one of sound. A flight can be supersonic. As well as a missile and even a gun bullet.

An orbit is an ever-changing path one object in space takes around another. An unscientific example? A dog with its favorite toy often orbits their owner insistently because they want to play with them. Speaking from personal experience here 🤣.

***Oh and, lil fun fact. In prostitution specifically, orbit was, and perhaps still is, a code word for oral sex***

Ultimately, “Supersonic, in your orbit” means that Mila is this supersonic boom, this let's even say supersonic shock that orbits around her prey. As I've said many other times in my analysis, Mila likes to use wordplay in her songs and this is basically her artistic way of explaining sexual provocation. She's provoking her target.

“And I’m bad, diabolic”

It's giving intense energy and mischief out of the ordinary 😜. She knows she's good at it (provocation). She has a goal (to sleep with her) and succeeds because we have the aftermath of her intent in the next sentence.

“Bottle rocket, on the carpet”

Her favorite lyrics because many people didn't grasp the meaning 🤣. Definition of bottle rocket: a firework typically consisting of a cylindrical case that is partly filled with combustible material and fastened to a guiding stick which may be placed in a bottle to control the direction of the rocket's launch.

In this case, in sex, bottle rocket is the representation of cuming hard in an explosive way.

Rockets have a phallic shape, so the first thing that's assumed here is that it's the sperm that's on the carpet, also because the song acts as straight 🙄, but where's the deception? Even girls can give someone a bottle rocket. How? By being an explosion and not a normal female cum orgasm, with female ejaculation also known as squirting.

Ergo, she's talking about herself. This song is not about sex with a guy and I can even prove that with the next sentence.

“Threw it back and he caught it”

Round two, doggy-style position. Movements: “Threw it back” her ass “and she caught it” with the hands by placing it directly back on the face aka mouth-tongue (clue about the lil fun fact I mentioned earlier) or by directing the entrance of the cave of wonders on the dildo (since Camren loves toys so much 😜🤣🤭). But, given the “he” because, again, the song acts as straight 🙄, the meaning should make you think of the guiding on the dick. But no. As I said before, I can prove it.

When guys cum, it literally takes them a while before they can go again. Some need 10/15 minutes, others hours or directly the next day because they literally physically can't. It's rare anyway that they manage to go beyond the second round (unless they're in the midst of adolescence and are like 14/15 years old 🤣), and those who miraculously can make it, also last very little and their cum is also very little. And mind you, I'm not saying these things to belittle men. I'm not making anything up. It's the pure truth. Not only have I experienced it myself (cause yes, hi 👋🏼, I've been with my gf for 3 years but I'm bisexual and I've had relationships before her), but these are facts that you can even look up if you don't believe me.

It's obviously not the same for all guys and they're all different, but us girls literally need 5 seconds or nothing at all to recover, and we don't have limits like they do. Unlike males, we females can have multiple orgasms. Sexual arousal and orgasm are possible again right away. So no. It's impossible she was talking about a guy.

If she was really talking about a guy, it's impossible that immediately after his Bottle rocket, on the carpet (yet another proof that Mila was talking about her cuming, her squirting) he didn't need some enough available time for round two (Threw it back and he caught it). Let’s move on 💪🏼.

“I go soprano, baby, go down low”

Soprano in music is the highest note, so in this case, going soprano means she's screaming with pleasure. And in her euphoric state, she guides her partner back down there into her buried treasure.

“And when he leads, I gotta follow”

The movements. Like in dance. In partner dancing, there are those who lead and those who follow. They're designed roles to facilitate the movements. The one who leads manages the body of the one who follows and decides the dance steps and direction of travel from time to time.

The thing that makes me laugh about this part is the “when he leads”. “When” 🤣🤣🤣. Because she's the top and she's the one who leads most of the time because Laur's the bottom (even though they're both also switch) so when Lo leads, when, sometimes, occasionally, I gotta follow 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣. Oh Mila 🤦🏻‍♀️🙈🤣.

“I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral”

She feels out of control (spiral) because the ending is so beautiful that it almost makes her lose consciousness (blackin’ out).

“I need you now and tomorrow”

And forever.

I’d also like to add a deeper meaning of sex to I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral – I need you now and tomorrow. Although she said the song is about sex, she also said:

“Part of that cocktail is also the emotional drama between you and that person, and the chaos and butterflies and nerves and passion. It’s unsustainable and not peaceful and exhausting, but also, I LUV IT.” – “Now I feel kind of lonely and small and weird, but at the same time, I’m an adult and I feel so strong in other areas of my life, but not this one. There’s just the wrestling of those feelings without it being kind of neat or in a box. You can’t really say that it’s a sad song, you can’t really pin it down. It’s just kind of me wrestling with these feelings and me kind of being really present on a particular feeling and exploring it. I feel like a lot of songs on the album are that”.

So going deeper, “I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral” indicate her anxiety. Being on a spiral or simply spiraling, is an emotional state that rapidly worsens in a way that becomes increasingly difficult to control and often leads to short-term periods of anxiety or depression. Aka her OCD gets triggered. Which by the way, I remind you that for her leads to obsessions and repetitive thoughts. And in a certain way, we can also see it in the repetition of the same phrase in the chorus.

So here she's saying: 1) I’m blackin’ out, aka I'm going crazy, I'm freaking out (connection/thing that reminds me a lot of “Am I out of my head? Am I out of my mind?” Bad Things [analysis here (eleventh ask)]) 2) I’m on a spiral, aka I'm anxious, distressed, worried, fearful. Why? Because I don't wanna lose you aka 3): I need you now and tomorrow. This alludes to the desire for connection and intimacy that goes beyond sex.

Both meanings (sexual and deeper) however indicate the intensity of her uncontrollable and erratic emotions towards as she said “that person” Lauren. But she doesn't care. “It’s unsustainable and not peaceful and exhausting, but also, I…?” She…? She what? Sing it all together🎤🎵🎶��🏼👇🏼👇🏼:

Chorus:

“I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, ooh

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it, I luv it

I luv it, I luv it, I luv it”

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7…...

27. 27……

27 times, huh? 😜 What a wonderful coincidence! 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 of all the numbers, precisely the 27. Would you look at that 🤣🤣.

No seriously tho. The words have to fit and respect the tempo of the song, but coincidence or not it's still funny for me 🤭.

Post-Chorus 1:

“Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts (X2)

Lemons in their face, watch ’em freeze up (x2)”

This part was sampled from the song Lemonade by Gucci Mane. Lemons are basically yellow diamonds (known as Canary Diamonds) cut/engraved in the shape of the letter V (an expensive method of cutting diamonds).

The meaning behind that would be that people would “freeze up” in shock at seeing this display of wealth and success, these lemons/diamonds, “in their face”s. They're oh so surprised and intimidated that they even freeze up for this luxury lifestyle thrown in their faces.

Umm………. 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣 Do we really care? Of that? Okay 🤣. About something she didn't even write? Something that she literally took copied and pasted into the song? Pfft, okay. Can we move on? Thank you 🤣.

Verse 2:

“Super twisted, sick addicted”

Twisted: someone who's mentally or emotionally unhealthy or disturbed: sick. --> Sick addicted: someone who's unable to stop doing something as a habit. Ergo, she's saying that she likes/enjoys it a lot and wants to spend as much time as possible doing what they're doing: sex.

Nonsexual meaning: She's using strong words to describe not only herself but also what their relationship is like. They may be twisted, and addicted, and toxic, and all the other things we've seen in their songs, but no matter what, she/they LUV IT, cause they luuuv each other.

“Kiss me hard, someday you’ll miss this”

A dig for all those times they break up or take breaks.

“Meteor shower, in your power”

What's a meteor shower?

The meteor shower is nothing other than what we commonly call shooting stars. These are obviously not stars, but meteors. Meteors are the aftermath of asteroids and comets that ORBITATED the SUN.

Asteroids (celestial bodies composed of rocky bodies) and comets (celestial bodies composed of frozen gases) become meteoroids when they fragment. In turn, meteoroids ignite and disintegrate when they enter our solar system, becoming meteors, ergo shooting stars. Those that don't disintegrate and manage to touch the earth's ground instead become meteorites.

How does a meteor shower happen?

The meteor shower happens when the earth, in its ORBIT around the SUN, crosses an area in which fragments of rock and dust (meteoroids) lost from a comet or an asteroid (celestial bodies made of rock, dust, and ice coming from the outermost areas of the solar system) are concentrated. When an asteroid and a comet heat up as they pass close to the sun, they reach such temperatures that they fragment even more (meteoroids) and when these very tiny fragments enter our atmosphere, they ignite and burn due to friction by generally developing tails, luminous trails (shooting stars) until they vaporize or leave debris (meteorites) behind.

Lil fun fact: some meteorites found on earth come from the MOON 🤭🤣. Most come from destroyed comets and asteroids, but some come from Mars or the moon.

So, after this compelling little science lesson, I can explain what Mila means by “Meteor shower, in your power”.

It's very simple actually. A meteor shower is a celestial event. She's comparing their sex to this astronomical phenomenon, the “Meteor shower”. The “in your power” is due to the fact that Lo’s the one who’s leading as we saw in “And when he leads, I gotta follow” in the first verse.

“Seein’ stars, oh my God”

The retina sends light signals to the brain by making sparks, stars, or flashes of light appear in the visual field. When does this happen? It usually has to do with the head. You've made a movement too fast, like standing up suddenly, or you've been hit on the head, or you're about to lose consciousness, etc. These are all negative aspects, but we're talking about something positive here. Sex.

This amazing sex (Meteor shower), this second round (Threw it back and she caught it), brings her to another orgasm (maybe even another Bottle rocket 🤷🏻‍♀️😏) during which she feels so bewildered, so dizzy, and she experiences this very surreal feeling that overwhelmed her by even Seein’ stars during it. Seein’ stars: to climax, to achieve orgasm.

This can very well be connected with ““I’m blackin’ out, I’m on a spiral” She feels out of control (spiral) because the ending is so beautiful that it almost makes her lose consciousness (blackin’ out)” that I explained earlier.

Oh and, the “oh my God” was her, um 🤣, comment, to express that ending if it wasn't already obvious enough 🤣.

Bridge:

“Slow down, baby”

All of Playboi Carti's “Uh, uh, uh, uh” before Mila's “Slow down, baby”, at least to me, indicate the thrust of the act. Again, he “sings” them to prove the song is straight 🙄, but we know the truth. Anyway. The “Slow down, baby” means exactly that. Either Mila's settling down from the end of round two and needs a tiny bit more time to go as fast as they were going before, or she simply wants this third round to go at a slower pace than the previous one, or better yet, Slow down, baby like in ‘stop, it's my turn now’ (to lead).

Another proof that this doesn't talk about sex with a guy. As I said before, it's rare for guys to get beyond 2 rounds, so let alone a third one 🤣. Sorry, not sorry, but it's literally the truth 🤣.

And that's it. I luv the fact that Camila's lyrics in this song talk about sex but she uses words that still perfectly capture the magnetic attraction between the two of them. I luv how she's quite unapologetic about it. And I LUUUV how she also used these cosmic references in general, but above all, how they anyway hide in a certain way the two important celestial bodies in our sky and solar system: their representation, aka the moon and the sun.

Now let's move on to the music video where everything that could go wrong happens 👍🏼🤣. What is she trying to convey here? Let's find out.

Music video

Opening scene. A Robin Hood wannabe who takes coins from his pocket.

Three empty stationary police cars in a driveway while an aspiring lumberjack cop is, for what initially appears to be, cutting down a tree to prepare for winter.

KhaleesiMila enters the scene 5 seconds before she starts singing. She looks like she just came back home from the night before given her outfit and her slightly messy hair. But not her makeup. The makeup is perfect of course because it's still a music video 😉.

She enters the kitchen with a chocolate cake in one hand while with the other she nonchalantly tosses her heels in a spot where it's very usual for us girls to leave them 🤣: at the doorway or in the bedroom on the kitchen counter.

She starts singing and eating a piece of chocolate cake at the same time.

At the same moment as the first bite of the cake, we have a really well-done perfect transition of her spitting her mouthguard out in a somewhat snobbish but challenging and provocative way because she's ready to fight against a professional female wrestler.

Soon after we have a 3-second split shot of her chewing the cake in the kitchen again and her and Carti in the gas station, before cutting to a long one where we have the reappearance of the archer from the opening scene.

From this moment on, all the small shots, the little introductions that we initially had, are explained a little bit more extensively with longer scenes and shots. Still messy 🤣, but longer.

Hospital part 1

Now that we see the surroundings, we notice how Legolas wannabe is in the corridor of a hospital and that the coins he took from his pocket in the opening scene, he needed them to get something like a chocolate bar from the vending machine. After taking it, he walks back to a white-dressed Mila who's sitting with an arrow in her heart.

A flash passed before my eyes and for a moment I was back in 2019. Why? Liar. The cover art picture of the song portrays her as an angel with wings.

Camila explained that Cupid strikes her with his bow to make her fall from heaven and unmask her, by making her not so angelic anymore because she's actually a liar who's hiding something, that is a secret [hmm, I wonder which one 😏😎🤫🤐🤣]. This whole story created for the song inspired the visual for the entire album Romance (whole album inspired by the surrealism of a museum of love stories in heaven).

So I asked myself, what is this? A connection to Romance but direct to Liar? No. I'd say more that she paid homage to it since even though the lyrics are about sex, the ideology of the video is about their toxic relationship and how she knows it's toxic but she LUVs IT anyway.

Anyhow, I guess that at the arrow in the heart scene, you all thought that the Green Arrow wannabe was Cupid. Same thing here, mostly because of the connection with Liar. I initially thought: “Oooh, it's Cupid! Cupid shot her with his arrow, ergo she's in love. But she's lovesick, and because of this the hospital: love - sick”. Then I saw the whole scene (plus the ending which I'll explain, well, at the end 🤣) and I realized: “Nope. Not Cupid. Not Cupid at all. Hi, Lauren 👋🏼”.

***Let's be clear. This is a music video. A creative and imaginative way of portraying objects, people, and scenarios in general. Yes, it's Camila's POV, but Lauren isn't that bitchy and dickish in real life. Okay? Every artist does it. It's art. Literally, as the word implies.***

So, back to the scene. Rewind. Lauren Hawkeye wannabe takes the candy bar from the vending machine and goes back to Mila. *This is the point where I got to before.* He doesn't even look at her. He just sits. Contrary to her who follows him with her gaze as he sits down and she also turns her head to look at him one more time before looking straight ahead.

That chocolate bar or whatever the fuck it is, it's not even for her. He took it for himself without even having the thought of taking it for her or taking something for her as well. I mean he's like, he's there for her. He went with her and he accompanied her also because he hit her with an arrow. Like yeah, we know that. We can see that. But even though he's there for her, he at the same time doesn't acknowledge or address her at all. He's just there. Present and not. Waiting for her turn.

While she, even smiles with her mouth closed as he's returning to her, but it's a smile I'd say forced. A kind of smile that masks how uncomfortable she feels. It's a wan smile that shows no energy or enthusiasm. It's a stoical ‘grin-and-bear-it because you're used to it after all’ kind of expression. That smile alone makes you understand how ‘normal’ this situation is for her. She's so used to it that it's a standard routine for her. It doesn't come as a surprise.

In a situation like this one, in a hospital, with an arrow in the chest/heart, anger or pain or both reactions are what you expect to be shown by her. But no. She's just there. Waiting for her turn.

Meaning behind this? The arrow in the heart represents a metaphorical way to express the idea that love can be both powerful and overwhelming, capable of causing joy and pain in equal measure. In this case however, the arrow in the heart doesn't represent a tender sweet and romantic symbol of Cupid and Valentine's Day. It represents a heart-piercing emotional pain. In this case, that arrow is nothing more than a heart-stopping arrow through the heart.

Fight & Dogs

In the next scene we have the professional female wrestler again. Like when she spat her mouthguard out in the opening brief shot, Mila continues to have this defiant attitude *she’s so hot there btw 🤤🥵*.

She shows herself as very self-confident with this superior aura and this cockiness that gives off an ‘I can kick your ass’ vibe. All of this flies out the window the moment the wrestler makes her move against her and Mila shits in her pants and starts running away 🤣.

At the same time that she starts running, we have another perfect transition of a running dog.

Then we have another very brief shot of her continuing to eat the cake in the kitchen, before alternating the fight with the wrestler and not just one dog running randomly, but her being chased by no less than three dogs 🤣.

These two scenes are connected on the part of running for your life. Literally as far as the dogs are concerned 🤣. And speaking of the dogs, the scene represents the danger and risks of being in love with someone. It represents all the feelings of chaos that go along with it. It represents feeling afraid and helpless with a constant internal battle of anxiety and fear. Being chased by dogs is stressful, scary, and unpleasant, BUT, it's even adrenaline-pumping and the depiction of it, is basically like an excited nightmare that represents not knowing where things are leading. Running into the unknown. She's scared but she does it anyway because the journey is electrifying.

Going back and talking about the scene with the wrestler, the running scared to avoid the actual physical fight is the representation of avoiding the confrontation. And that's something we know Mila does thanks to both her and Lauren. We also know this because in 2016 she herself said that she avoids conflicts with people. It's a vice/bad habit that she's always had.

BUT, no matter how much she tries to run away and avoid this confrontation, it always happens. Sooner or later, she eventually always finds herself having to face the problem unwillingly or not. The representation of this in the video is when she's captured. We actually see this section almost at the end of the video after Carti’s “🎵tursin-eh-oh-and-halloh-eh-halloh-eh-halloh-I'm out o-controool🎵” 🤣🤣🤣. We see the wrestler chasing and catching Mila, which leads to the headlock wrestling move.

Now let's talk about this section with the headlock that we see both at the end and currently in the first chorus of the part of the video where we are. Specifically this one here. We see several headlocks in sequence, but the one I want to focus on is the second one, where the wrestler is enacting the chokehold with only one arm.

Like, umm… 🤭 The way you caress her arm and look at her, and the way you sing “I luv it” with your tongue sticking out in that seductive way 🔥.

I mean... Mila, honey…😏 I see you! 🤣

No wonder in the BTS of the video she said: “I've been the most excited for this scene all day”. Hmm 🤔, I wonder why is that 🤣🤣🤣. Just as I'm not surprised by the other clue she gave in the interview with Bru On The Radio when talking about the scene: “It's like a little homoerotic. It's cool! But um- * she bursts out laughing by looking to the side* -yeah”.

Homoerotic: 1) (especially of art, literature, drama, or the like) using symbolism, allusions, situations, etc., that invoke sexual attraction or activity between people of the same gender. Example: There's definitely some homoerotic subtext in that book. 2) having sexual attraction to people of one's own sex or gender, especially when that attraction is repressed. Example: To say a man has a “streak of lavender” means that he has homoerotic desires. 3) relating or involving sexual activity between people of the same sex. Specifically: marked by, revealing, or portraying sexual desire between people of the same sex.

I have nothing else to add, Your Honor. I have nothing else to add 😎🤣.

No but seriously now. She doesn't act that way during the other headlocks. In those, she tries to fight back and somehow defend herself by trying to free herself. We see her react in a rather normal way to that type of situation. But in that particular hold? Nope 🤣. We can see how much she likes it. How attracted and aroused she is. The reactions she has during the other headlocks represent her external side, what really happens and what she lets see. While in that particular one, we see the toxicity of what happens in her inner part. The “I luv it” to the choking which on a larger scale, represents her toxicity in loving the pain. Even though they're fighting and she hates the confrontation and is in pain, she LUVs IT anyway because she luvs HER.

***Mind you that this is only an additional representation and seen in a more generic way. I don't see it as fitting to the theme of the music video as much as the one I've already explained to you now.*** A broader meaning could also be the representation of how the love for Lauren is so strong that she can't fight it. We've seen this other times in the lyrics of songs like This Love [analysis here (the penultimate ask)] and Señorita [analysis here (the last ask)] where Mila was having an inner struggle because, on the one hand, she wanted to protect her feelings, and on the other, she couldn't resist her. Ergo, the scene where she tries to fight this love, the professional wrestler, but she loses and thus is ultimately defeated.

House

Next scene we have her continuing to eat the chocolate cake plus this guy who comes in and rides around her house on his motorcycle and she does nothing.

Let's dwell for a moment on her eating.

Where have we seen something like this before (besides the reality of everyday life)? In every damn movie and TV show since forever 🤣. Someone is sad for some X reason like they had a fight with someone, or they're going through a breakup, and what do they do? They eat either something chocolate or ice cream. 90% of the time it's something chocolate related. Why? Because when consumed, it releases endorphins in the brain that produce a mild feeling of euphoria by mimicking the feeling of being in love. This is why chocolate is called the love drug. It gives comfort and joy and when we're down, we emotionally crave chocolate because we're unsatisfied with something.

Her eating chocolate cake in this case is an indication of unsatisfied desires and emotional needs.

Now let's go back to the guy with the motorcycle. He's destroying everything in his path and she's simply there, munching on her cake unbothered.

He's causing a mess but she doesn't even try to stop him. She doesn't get angry, she doesn't scream, nothing. And why? Because as I said before by talking about that type of smile in the hospital, this situation is ‘normal’ for her. She doesn't react simply because she's used to it. The chaos of their relationship doesn't surprise her also because, I mean, it's been years and years.

The house depicts her head and what happens in it. Him destroying the house is a representation of how she sees his bringing chaos into her life and their relationship. On a deeper level, her not reacting to the destruction of the house represents the fact that she's so in love that she ignores bad and toxic behaviors. The whole scene represents the toxicity and destruction that a relationship can bring into your life but you keep trying because you LUV IT. Lauren brings love, happiness, passion, euphoria, but she also brings chaos which also encompasses mess, confusion, disarray, whether all good or bad. We also saw this type of example in the lyrics of Consequences [analysis here (penultimate ask)].

Successively we have a mix of scenes, among which are the cop one of the opening scene, the car one, and the bathroom one.

Palm tree

We can finally see that this aspiring lumberjack cop is chopping this palm tree because Camila is on top of it.

Now, I have two interpretations for this. The palm tree represents Lauren/their toxic love in both interpretations.

N° 1, she's stuck on the tree. Being stuck represents her way of saying that there's no way out of their toxic relationship even though someone (represented by the cop) or more than someone (since there are 3 police cars even though we only see one cop) tries to get her out of this situation.

N° 2, the one I see as the most truthful, the most right one. She's not stuck on the tree. Mila is Walzing it 🤣🤣🤣 (for those who don't know, Dinah used to call Mila ‘Walz’ and here you can find the reason why the nickname was born). Her koalaing the tree also represents her co-dependence. She's clinging to it and doesn't want to let go.

She's on the very high point of the tree; visual meaning: danger. If she were to fall, she would die or be seriously injured. But she doesn't care. She's ready to risk her life. Deeper for the representation: her love is so strong, that she's ready to risk it (“I'll risk it all”, as we've already seen in Used to This [part of the interpretation that you can find in the analysis of Only Told the Moon here]). She's ready to risk everything/risk it all even if she were to lose her heart and if it were to affect even her mental and physical health as we've already seen in the lyrics of Consequences.

Even in this case, the cop represents someone or more than someone in her life who tries to get her out of this situation. They use extreme ways to do this, representative of getting her down: cutting down the tree. Why? Why doesn't this cop who clearly knows that this person is experiencing some kind of problem call the fire truck to bring a ladder to save her since that's what's normally done in these situations? Or he doesn't go directly and find one himself? Why doesn't he talk to her and try to reason with her to get her down?

Because it's not the first time this has happened. The cop (her family, her friends) is so used to and tired of seeing their on-again, off-again/cycle/loop/circle, that he decides to help her in a more brutal way in this case. Representation: chopping down the tree. It doesn't matter tho. It doesn't matter that other people try to help her in hard ways. She doesn't wanna lose her, and therefore she depicts how even though she knows it's a toxic relationship, she's clinging (codependent) to it and continues to love her because she doesn't want to depart/separate herself no matter what. Reason why we even see her singing “I luv it” while she’s glued to the tree.

Car

Speaking of falling (and how these two scenes are connected). Instead of that tree, here we see her having fallen over a car. Part of the car is destroyed, as is she. It's a representation of being in love and how it can sometimes destroy you. But again, we even see her singing “I luv it” because she doesn't care.

She doesn't care about falling and being crushed by/for her. They've taken a lot of risks over the years. They've suffered, they've hurt each other, and they've fallen down and gotten up every single time. And those wounds, in the video are represented as real wounds with cuts, bruises, gashes, and all that jazz.

She doesn't even care when we, the public and the fans, see her destroyed like that. We've seen it many times, especially after years and years spent growing up in the public eye. By this, I'm obviously referring to the woman who's immortalizing the scene with her phone.

Although that, it's also a representation of what would actually happen in today's world: instead of helping or calling an ambulance, the woman is filming or taking pics.

Bathroom & Bedroom

Contrary to the connection that the tree and the car scenes have, this one is connected to the ones of the dogs and the professional female wrestler.

We first see her in the bathroom. She looks in the mirror and even lifts her shirt up to look at her belly. Let's say normal things that we all do, and so far, nothing strange. Then we also see her perplexed and undecided tho (when she sighs with her finger in her mouth). And we see her rehearsing. We see her change her expression to a determined one and make the gun gesture with the fingers of her hand.

***Sorry but I have to tell you guys 🤣🤣🤣. I found it extremely funny how she made the gun gesture with her fingers precisely at “someday you’ll miss this”. THIS and bam: fingers out 😏😎🤣.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry 🤣🤣 one day she'll miss, what, Mila? Your gay fingers?🤣🤣🤣 Oooooookay 😉🤣***

Back to normal. All that represents her mentally preparing herself, and for what? For what we then see in the bedroom. Before heading there, we can see her expression of determination but more importantly, we can see her pissed-off expression.

She walks into the bedroom with this imaginary automatic machine gun that she uses to shoot and destroy the bed. As she does that, the footage also shows us the rest of the room, and what do I spy with my little eye 🧐? A frame hanging on the wall. And what's in that frame? Five boys with the word ‘sorry’ written on their backs.

Wait a second, wait a second… FIVE???? 😲 Five as a reference to Fifth Harmony? 😱 Five as in 5H because it's a hidden clue to confirm that she's talking about Lauren? 🤯 WHAAAAAT??? 😵

Yes, guys, yes. For those who haven't noticed, the answer is yes. Camila doesn't do things shittily. There's always meaning in the things she does, whether it's hidden or not. And if anyone tries to tell you otherwise or something different about that clue, don't be fooled. Why 5? Explain the 5 otherwise? They could've used a thousand different things like, for example, an apology/sorry note left on the bedside table, or even just one guy with sorry on his back in that frame since all of this is supposed to be straight and about a guy 🙄. But no. They used FIVE of them specifically.

Moving on.

The rehearsals she was doing in the bathroom that we later saw lead to the destruction of the bed with the imaginary automatic machine gun, were all due to Mila being pissed off about something Laur had done. Something we know thanks to the not-so-hidden apology message in the frame. Now I don't know about you 🎤🎶but I'm feeling 22 🎶🎤 sorry but I had to 🤣 but I know that even though Camila is magical, she doesn't really have powers 🤣. So even though this is the representation of her being pissed at Lo, she didn't actually shoot the bed. It was all in her head. She was just imagining doing it. Yeah, she was angry, but we also know that she'd run away in reality to try to avoid conflicts as we saw in the scene with the dogs and in the scene with the wrestler (aka Laur herself), during which, however, we also saw that the wrestler captures her and that therefore Mila was then forced to face.

Hospital part 2

During the mix of these three scenes (Palm Tree - Car - Bathroom & Bedroom) just discussed, we have two small shots of Mila in the hospital. The first during “oh my God” and the second during “I luv it”.

We see her looking in one direction before saying “oh my God”. It's an exasperated “oh my God” because no one's assisting her yet.

She sings “I luv it” by tapping her finger to her temple in rhythm but we can see how impatient she's starting to get for the wait. Yeah, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, she luvs it, but she's irritated and frustrated.

Gas station

Mila and her friends pull over into this gas station. A guy with long hair immediately approaches to serve them, but instead of refueling the car as we normally expected, he does it to them. He takes the pump and fills their glasses with gasoline, even though we know very well that it was actually nothing more than “some disgusting water-down apple juice”, according to Mila herself.

All this during “Lemons on the chain with the V-cuts (X4) - Lemons in their face, watch ’em freeze up (x4)” Oh well, when life gives you lemons, make lemonade Camila Cabello drinks gasoline 🤣.

Sorry, sorry 🤣. Joking aside now.

Drinking alcohol produces euphoria. It's stimulating, exciting, and lowers inhibitions and control. It's intoxicating, and although this word usually indicates something positive, it can also represent something negative especially when associated with alcohol. Drinking alcohol is intoxicating in a good way, but if done too much, it's intoxicating in a harmful way. In this case, alcohol is the representation of another hyperbolic metaphor. It's yet another concept represented in an exaggerated way. Gasoline, fuel, or whatever the hell it was, is obviously toxic. Ingesting it is dangerous. It's yet another representation of their toxic relationship and tendencies and how she doesn't care going against all common sense because she LUVs IT.

There would also be another possible meaning behind this scene due to Playboi Carti's verse. He talks about drugs (Novocaine and Mary Jane), luxury cars (Lamborghini Aventador SVJ), and rebellious life in general.

Novocaine is a drug used as a local anesthetic normally by dentists. Mary Jane is the literal English translation of the name Marijuana. Spanish: Maria/Mari. English translation: Mary. Spanish: Juana. English translation: Jane. Ergo, Marijuana: Mary Jane. In the past when drug users talked about marijuana, they called it Mary Jane so as not to arouse police suspicion.

I explained all this because specifically his talk about drugs made me think of a different possible meaning behind this scene. You see in the US, many drug dealers operate out of gas stations. Mila and her friends are getting gas at the gas station. In slang, ‘gas’ is a noun made popular by rappers to refer to weed/marijuana.

It might be that the scene has both meanings. Alcohol for her and drugs for him. Who knows 🤷🏻‍♀️. Maybe we would've seen it for real if Carti hadn't arrived late for the video shoot. But anyway.

Right after that, we have the dance scene. I have two interpretations for that even here. Both true.

The first one: Don't expect me to say sweet and predictable things like that she's dancing hypnotized because she's drunk on love 🤣. Nope. The blindfold is supposed to represent how blinded she is by love and shit, right? The typical phrase ‘love is blind’ that makes someone unable to see the flaws of the person they love. True, but at the same time in her case, bullshit tho. Buuuullshit! Because we saw throughout the video how she's aware of everything.

She chose to put the blindfold on and dance freely whether it's just for fun or distraction or to literally dance the pain away. She chose to put it on to ‘not see’ the flaws, the toxicity, and all the negative things. She knows. She knows they're there. It's just her choice to ignore them because, once again, she doesn't care because she luvs it and her.

The second one: Based on the getting gas in the previous shot, whether it's just alcohol or whether it's also marijuana, that's why right after that scene we see Carti with his hoodie backwards (it's literally backwards, look closely) before he starts singing and Mila and the girls dancing together blindfolded with X’s over their eyes.

It represents the beginning of the effect. 😵: literally the dizziness of drunkenness and/or stonedness. In a deeper way, it represents love being a drug/addiction to live to the fullest (dancing).

Again whether it's just alcohol or weed, that's also the reason why at the end of the video they're both comfortable and relaxed in eating calmly as if they don't have a care in the world (despite the video being completely the opposite). Both alcohol and weed increase hunger and appetite, sometimes leading to strange and uncontrollable cravings. That represents half to almost the end of the effect.

Hospital part 3

She's still waiting. She's still waiting for someone to help her remove that fucking arrow from her chest. The whole reason she's been there waiting for probably hours. Nurses even walk past in front of her but still no one assists her. As before, she's still annoyed, but now she's also discouraged and sad. Not only that, but the male version of a Katniss Everdeen wannabe is also gone. Representation of a breakup or one of their breaks. Mila's alone, and suddenly, the wound begins to bleed.

In this case, the arrow through her heart symbolizes feeling emotionally hurt. Since loving someone is not always a walk in dreamland, but it also consists of twists and turns and can really fucking hurt you, here we see how her heart starts dripping blood. The bleeding can also represent how toxic relationships leave you in the end. Again, love is pain but she LUVs IT.

Thing more important, the wound begins to bleed because she's no longer with her. It didn't do it the entire time Laur was with her, but her heart started to bleed in pain only after she left. Representation of how her heart, although already wounded (arrow) by her/for her, cannot bear to be without her (bleeding). As I also explained in my This Love’s interpretation, the choice over the years has often been between having her and suffering, or not having her at all, and as we know, she always chose her.

The end

So, that was the music video. It gave me Miami and Florida. It gave me GTA and crack house feelings 🤣. It gave me wildness and adrenaline. It gave me roller coaster. It gave me college students traveling for the holidays/Spring Breakers movie. *For those who don't know what I'm talking about 👇🏼*

Especially here with this promo.

*Last minute edit: she just said Spring Breakers is one of the inspired aesthetics for the new era*

She in specific, gave me addicted to pain. She gave me impulsiveness. She gave me a fast-paced lifestyle, full of passion, desire, and disregard for consequences. She gave me vibe. She gave me boujee. She gave me dance. She gave me actress and humor as has also happened in other videos in the past (although less than those ones) such as for example Havana, Liar, My Oh My, Bam Bam, Don’t Go Yet, etc. (it's not the first time Camila's been in ridiculous situations in her videos). She gave me chaos begets chaos, and in order to maintain sanity, one must embrace the insanity. Or in her case, a palm tree 🤣🤣🤣.

I mean, all in all and in its complexity, I really enjoyed it. She said the theme of the video is chaos and danger, and we saw that. In the interview with Bru On The Radio, still talking about the video, she said: “This complex feeling of loving the pain of something, or loving the messiness of something, or loving the chaos of something, really kind of like finding the beauty in that part of our humanity”. And we saw that too.

And as if it wasn't clear enough already, the video is an artistic representation of the toxic tendencies and behaviors of their toxic relationship in general throughout all these years. And yes, their as in both of them, not just her as in Lauren's. I told you guys in the beginning that it's Camila's POV and I explained that Lauren isn't that bitchy and dickish in real life, but we don't just see Laur's toxic tendencies and behaviors from Mila's POV in the video. We actually see Mila's a lot more. Let me explain.

We saw how Laur brings chaos into Mila's life and their relationship (house scene). She's hurt her (shot her with an arrow through the heart), she doesn't acknowledge her in the hospital, and she also leaves at the end. The leaving her there (breakup or break) in those conditions as well as not taking something for her too from the vending machine is a neglect; another trait of a toxic relationship. That's all. That's what we see as far as Lauren is concerned. Mila on the other hand…

She's the one who's unbothered, especially in the beginning, in having an arrow in her heart, aka being hurt. She's the one who doesn't react when Lo destroys the house, aka when Laur has toxic behavior towards her. Still her the one who runs away from her problems so as not to face them and avoids conflicts (dogs and wrestler). In fact, if that's why, I wanna put in a good word for Laur in this case since she fights her by forcing her to confront her, aka talk about their problems. Still Mila the one who uses an imaginary automatic machine gun to shoot and destroy the bed symbolically in her head just because she’s angry with her. She's the one who crashes herself on top of a car and risks her life on other occasions with the dogs, the palm tree, and by drinking gasoline. I mean, see what I mean?

Who's the most toxic one we see here? And again, this is just a video. Not the reality. I feel like I always have to specify these things with you guys because one never knows you misinterpreted it 🤣. But anyway. I'm happy Mila did it. I'm happy that Mila represented even her toxicity since for many years due to her songs people only and always blamed Lauren. It's something I've been saying for years 💁🏻‍♀️. They both have their faults. There are two people in the couple and there are always two sides to a story. Not just one.

In any case, that's it, dear Anon. I hope you enjoyed both analysis 🙃.

🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍🤸🏻‍♀‍

Aaand I'm done 👅. Thank you all for your asks and I hope I've been helpful this time too 🙃. As usual, I'm always available for those who have questions, so ask away 😄.

Remember to be nice. Always. Both with others and with yourselves. Be a good example. Be patient. Be safe and take care of yourselves. Don't let our ship sink. Keep shipping them, but please respectfully 🙏🏼. Sending you virtual love and hugs 🤗🤗🤗. I love you, babies. Always with love, F ❤️.

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corpse-water · 5 months ago

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okay so i’ve had some time to discuss jade shadows with buddies and digest the full story.

tw for talks about misogyny and pregnancy

okay so this update was bad. i’m not gonna really like. sugarcoat this at all. it was bad. it’s bad from a writing perspective, it’s bad for future story elements in the game, it makes the stalker look like a stupid asshole. for an update that was selling itself as a lore-heavy piece, it kind of told us a lot of nothing and then just said a lot of other shit.

jade shadows is not an issue because of its themes of motherhood. it’s not an issue because there is a pregnant woman there. it’s not an issue because stalker is a dad. it’s not an issue because it’s a straight love story. and i’m saying all these things upfront because i feel like people are misinterpreting the issues that others have with this specific quest. it isn’t because of any of that. people aren’t butt hurt because this wasn’t a toxic yaoi update or because stalker wasn’t transed. that isn’t the point.

warframe has shown us interesting stories from/about woman before. from exploitation by the orokin and others down to lotus’ struggles with motherhood. these stories have been present since the game’s conception and they’re been important in the plot before. so they’re capable of writing a story about women that doesn’t reduce them to baby makers or weak or helpless in the face of struggle and suffering.

i think having a story in the game about a pregnant warframe isn’t even bad. i don’t care. i think it would squick people out but, it very genuinely could be another story about the orokin attempting to take autonomy away from people. motherhood is important for some people and it could have been an interesting story about that! about taking back autonomy from an empire that sought to completely remove that from its lower caste of people. that is to say if jade had been given… any? autonomy? at all? we’re never even shown what she does in order to protect stalker? we don’t get speaking lines from her? she just lays there and is pregnant. she literally serves the narrative device of being a pretty incubator. when did they meet? has she just been pregnant the whole time? for a thousand years? what is happening? hello? it’s so dark in here. (i have a lot of issues with the pregnancy from a narrative and story writing perspective.)

you can also have a story about fatherhood. again, it could have been a story about two people fighting against a system that sought to exploit them. to strip away the autonomy of choosing to be a parent, of choosing to be a father, of choosing to be present for the child. there is a lot to say about how the orokin hurt and exploited people and having a story from the perspective of would-be parents having their humanity stripped from them would have been a good story. it would have been really interesting to see! and DE is completely capable of writing that story.

i think this confuses the stalker’s motivations, too. why would he hate the tenno if the orokin had done this to his pregnant gf? what do the tenno have to do with literally anything here? is it because of the power vacuum left behind after the orokin were killed off? (in before people are like “we’re not getting the full story on purpose” or “we don’t have enough information yet”: then it shouldn’t have been told to us that it was going to be a lore-centric quest. because it wasn’t. so i get to complain about getting no information in the quest that was supposed to have at least some information.)

once again, and i cannot get over this at all, jade has no speaking role. she has not capacity to express her wishes or autonomy at all. she doesn’t move. she gives birth and then she dies. we hear from literally everyone else that “this is what she would have wanted” and “we have to honor her memory” but any opportunity at all for the character herself to express literally anything is… not there! she’s given no substance, no action, no voice. and the narrative bends over backwards to portray that this is what she wants. this is what is right. and you hear it from almost everyone else other than… the person whose body is at stake. you hear it from ordis who had never met jade or even knew her or could know what she wanted. you hear it from hunhow who… why would he know? he also didn’t talk to jade?

all in all, it was a messy, rushed, and narratively confusing and frustrating quest. it gave us pretty much nothing, confused people’s motivations, gave us a pregframe (as an aside: isn’t it kind of fucked up that you’re building the frame to be pregnant. again. isn’t that fucked up? you’re puppetting around a dead pregnant woman? anyone else?) and… a warframe baby? i guess?

“it’s about fatherhood and the sanctity of life”. it’s barely about fatherhood at all, actually. i would argue that narratively fatherhood is barely present in the game. you hold baby. you go to the moon. that’s what fatherhood is, i guess! like sure… whatever…. corpus lady steps aside for a warframe baby. guys what’s happening here. what’s going on.

0/10. DE you can save this by letting me bullet jump as the baby. you made infant prime a reality. now take it back.

#warframe posting #jade shadows #hey guys this one was bad

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connorjared · 5 months ago

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there are so many things I could say and back up with my annotations but there are some things I want to say

- connor is an unreliable narrator, but in an interesting way. unlike evan, connor's text is purposely written like he's trying to seem WORSE than he is. that's why I think rereading the book as an adult (especially if you have worked with kids) is so incredibly tragic. it's easier to see every way he was utterly failed both personally and systemically when you are no longer the child being failed personally and systemically

- connor is canonically a victim of the troubled teen industry and says it was BETTER than rehab. this genuinely breaks my heart because you can catch little pieces of CPTSD throughout his text and dialogue—he becomes extremely defensive and assumes evan is "tricking him into looking crazy," he states relief there's no longer anyone "waiting around the corner to catch him or check for red in his eyes" this child was treated like a criminal and the one place he felt safe in was removed when he chose to take the blame for something that he didn't do (see below)

- connor taking the fall for his... situationshipfriend miguel because he knew his parents were rich enough and he was white enough to get a more lenient punishment for WEED (which. the criminalization of that and the stigma is a whole OTHER thing) this haunts me. the act itself is noble, unhealthily self sacrificing, but that's not what gets me. his proclaimed friend not only allows him to do this, but even after connor GOES TO REHAB FOR HIM miguel doesn't tell his own mom the truth, causing her to ban the two of them hanging out and connor LOSES his only safe space right after undergoing rehab that he never even needed

- connor canonically has been put on and off multiple medications , we unfortunately don't know when this started but we DO know it was not in his control. SSRIs take a long time to work and shouldn't be switched quickly even for adults, let alone teenagers, and they ESPECIALLY should not be used as stand-ins for accommodations of a disability. there's far more I could say about other medications this might have been such as an SNRI (which connor has said to have less than favorable opinions of) and this is possibly even MORE concerning

- there has been a BUZZ on tiktok about how zoe was a girl icon for being forced to mourn her "abusive brother" and while they definitely had a toxic sibling dynamic fed by their toxic parental dynamic, the idea the toxicity was one sided is just... wrong. not even subjectively, the narrative WANTS you to know this is wrong, at least in the book. the musical... lets just say, im glad they wrote the book. it doesn't undo the honestly pretty shit messaging of the musical, but it adds context that helps derail claims like the one above that add further stigma to victims of suicide. zoe is verbally degrading to connor in recollections and in the small amount of time we hear her speak about him (though, this does change as her character develops throughout the book and she begins to mourn him properly.) zoe is a glass child. she resents all of the negative attention connor received because she didn't get any attention at all. so, she often sides with larry through the book, who is said to have more or less gotten tired of connor and considered him attention seeking, which would be something INCREDIBLY validating for a glass child to hear. zoe is, unfortunately and ironically, often written with detail but no substance. evan, who I could talk about at length and very angrily, constantly prattles small things he notices about her—but, and im not sure if this is the author's intention or not, she barely gets any true characterization outside of her interactions with others, which strangely almost makes her a side character (which i suppose she is) but there are some core parts of HER identity and her character alone that can be picked up throughout the book and i could go on for hours about that and i will not now but i will

- i didn't even touch on cynthia and larry and their abuse (yes! people can love their children and be abusive) but by god i will. by god

dear evan hansen fandom please interact. if u disagree i will probably point an autism beam at you in the form of a personally crafted video essay on why I am right and you are wrong. I have read this book inside and out

#connor murphy #dear evan hansen #autism hell

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garakcore · 2 years ago

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Afterimage is one of my favorite DS9 episodes ever and, in my opinion, the most underrated episode featuring Garak. But I have A LOT of problems with it, and they can pretty much be summed up by this reply to someone’s post on the episode. I screenshotted this because I don't want to derail that person's post more than I have already whoops.

But I have a lot of thoughts so here's a rant! below the read more, please mind content warnings for discussions of abuse, substance use, and suicide.

[also, @ettaberrytea , please let me know if you want me to remove the screenshot]

The promotion thing I can live with because it seemed like an inevitable part of her remaining on the station. That seemed like the only likely conclusion of her character for this episode even on my first watch.

But Garak's anxiety and claustrophobia being 'fixed' at the end actually upsets me. There's the obvious 'it's not that easy!'. But also, she did not provide any kind of actual therapeutic technique that would help him here. Which I KNOW is nitpicking but I think given the context, less so.

The big problem for me is a bit more complicated. It's obviously not just 'He doesn't like small spaces'. Even with Afterimage having the most explicit mentions of this part of Tain's abuse, the focus is on claustrophobia. And it just really irks me how Ezri presses him and presses him about it and doesn't try to delve into what seems to be a huge reason behind it. That is, besides 'you blame yourself for this just like how I blame myself for getting space sick', which... I'm gonna be honest felt like a really unfair comparison.

To me, a lot of this doesn't feel on purpose/like she's supposed to be learning still. I will say that her delivery in this reminds me so much of myself in social work classes! I've been there! But especially as the episode continues, it feels more and more like this is supposed to be a huge breakthrough and she's cracked the code and this all makes sense psychologically.

Also, that scene with Garak trying to open the airlock just. Hurts so, so bad for me. It's one of my favorite moments of Garak's character and it hits me really hard.

But the fact that the scene after it is a nice little 'sitting in the holosuite' scene staring at the sunset off a cliff... I just kinda hate that! But I really liked their conversation and Garak saying that it's not really such a large space and none of it is real -- that's one of my favorite moments in Afterimage, actually.

Also I have to say this somewhere, and this is absolutely based on my interpretation only. But that airlock scene felt like Garak being the most explicitly close to suicide we've seen since The Wire. To have him just sitting in a holosuite [on a cliffside no less] isn't a great followup to that, even setting aside my interpretation. And to kinda respond to the reply I screenshotted above, I feel like it's not such a stretch that he relapsed.

I think Ezri is a great character and like I said, this is one of my favorite DS9 episodes! But I've never talked about this in detail and wanted to put it out there.

Reminder that this is just my opinion, and if you have a different take on this episode, I'd love to hear it!

#long post #elim garak #garak #ezri dax #deep space nine #ds9

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aita-blorbos · 8 months ago

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Am I the asshole for calling out my friend extremely publically for personal problems?

Title sounds bad but hear me out. So I (39m) have had this friend, F (39m), for a very long time. Like most of our lives long. We went to high school together, never lost touch, ended up moving in together while we were both in college, yada yada yada. I was a writing major at a pretty prestigious university, and F was a music major at an INSANELY prestigious music conservatory. F spent two years in the military right after high school, so I had already been in New York City, where both of our schools were, for two years by the time he got there, but as soon as he was released from service he moved in. Pretty soon after that, we decided to combine our talents and turn to writing musicals. I did the scripts and lyrics, and F composed the music.

He has a gift. He's truly the greatest, most insanely talented composer I've ever heard. When F writes music, it's like he'd distilling emotion and humanity down into something that can be heard. When we started to work together, we were working on a passion project that started as a draft of a play I had written that had inspired him so much he pitched turning it into a musical. We spent years on this thing, writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting. We auditioned it for a few producers and never got anywhere, but we refused to give up on it.

After a few years of that, we were "discovered," I guess you could say, by a big Broadway producer, J, who liked our music but not our show. He and his wife, G, had an idea for a different show they wanted us to do the music for, specifically so that G could have her big break and become a Broadway star. F was immediately all for it, but I took a lot more convincing. He did eventually convince me, partially because, at that point, I had a wife and a kid and another kid on the way, and I needed the money, and partially because I trusted F. It also helped that our other best friend, M, agreed that doing one show for J and G to get our careers off the ground was a good idea. So we did it. And it was a massive success, the kind of success that I still have savings from ten years later. J told us on opening night that if we wrote another musical, he would produce it. The catch was that it had to be another musical like this one, all flash and spectacle and no substance. I agreed to do one more, but then I wanted to go back to writing passion projects, creating art I actually cared about.

That was where the problems started between F and me. I watched from the sidelines as he brushed me off, constantly, and made so many poor decisions it was excruciating to be his friend. He cheated on his wonderful wife with G, did such a bad job of hiding it that we all had to convince him that he should just give up custody of his kid and accept the child support agreement because otherwise he would have lost (somehow) even more in the divorce. M and I could see that G was terrible for him, but every time we thought we'd gotten through to him how much she was using him for fame and how miserable she was making him, she'd pop back up and reel him back in. F slowly became more and more like her, wanting nothing more than fame and fortune and getting less and less subtle about it. G left J for F, which destroyed J's life (last I heard the divorce left him so penniless and depressed he was calling G to beg for money on a semi-regular basis), and F and G got married.

That brings us to the situation where I think I might be an asshole. I swear it wasn't on purpose, I truly think I had some kind of mental breakdown, but I called F out on everything going on with him extremely publically. Like national television publically. M had arranged an interview with us on NBC to talk about the project we were still (theoretically) working on, the original music that used to mean to much to both of us and now was starting to feel like a solo project. M's idea was that if I could get F to commit to the musical publically, he wouldn't be able to back out, and we'd be able to use that commitment to spend more time with him again and get him to see our side of what was going on. Instead, I found out literally seconds before going live on camera that, without talking to me about despite the fact we were supposedly still writing partners, F had signed a three-movie deal as a Hollywood producer, which would take him out of NYC for months at a time. Honestly, it wasn't even the fact that he signed the deal that got to me so badly, though I was pretty upset about it. It was that I found out because the person interviewing us already knew. And I didn't. From the person who was supposed to be not only my business partner but also my oldest, dearest, and closest friend. A man who all four of my kids call uncle. A man who has had a key to every place I've lived since I was 20 years old. A man who knows me better than absolutely anyone save maybe my wife and M. And a newcaster knew about this massive personal and professional development before I did.

So I kind of lost it. Honestly, I barely remember half of what I said. I think the first question I answered was something along the lines of "how do you two work together" and suddenly I was ranting about how working with him means constant interruptions and barely any work, and then I was getting emotional and talking about how I feel like he's completely abandoned our friendship, not even mentioning how I feel about the potential he's throwing away by giving up on music, and I ended it all by pretty much just saying that I thought he cared about money more than anything else in the world. And you know what? I don't think I was lying or wrong about any of it. I wish I had said it all in a much more private conversation, sure, but I don't think I would take most of it back. Maybe word it a little better. I don't know.

So, AITA?

#aita #am i the asshole #unreality

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rei-caldombra · 9 months ago

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Wrong Way to Use Healing Magic Anime Episodes 4-9 Review - Rose is a 10/10.

Back for another post about Wrong Way to Use Healing Magic anime, covering episodes 4-9. I’m still loving this show and wanna talk about it more without waiting until the end. Spoiler warning. I edited the image used for the thumbnail, feel free to use it fellow Rose simps.

The greatness in episode 8 and 9 is the main reason I am writing a new post now and will be the bulk of the post, but I’ll talk a bit about the earlier episodes. Watching the three main characters slowly grow and come into their own has been nice to watch. I still enjoy seeing them have slightly different outlooks while still connecting on the basis of the crazy situation they were thrust in. They all needed different amounts of time and experiences to process things and make up their mind. Hopefully we will get some more great stuff from seeing them be together again for the big battle. We got some solid new characters

I didn’t mention how I feel about the OP in the first post, I think it’s really great. The music really gets you hyped. The art is great, everyone looks awesome and has very detailed and expressive looks. I don’t have too much to say about the ED, it’s fine but nothing notable to me. It does remind you of the life Suzu had before coming here, which at least gives some relevant purpose to the visuals.

A minor gripe is that as of now I really don’t see the purpose of the future vision that Usato was shown. I don’t really feel like it changed his way of thinking or his actions. I did not feel like he was especially cocky or not taking the situation seriously, and he already had Rose instilling in him (and us as the viewer) that war is terrible and that he will be responsible for keeping people alive. Maybe there will be more to it later but I do not think this did anything for me as of now. It may have just had the purpose to drive up tension but I do not think forcing it with something dramatic like this was needed.

Now onto the highlight of the middle section of the anime, episodes 8 and 9 which cover Rose’s backstory. Hearing my favorite voice actress Konomi Kohara in episode 8 was a welcome surprise. Her voice for Aul is probably the hardest to recognize out of anything I've heard from her as the tone is very different. I immediately thought about it upon hearing her talk but was not certain until her crying when she got punched convinced me. I’d know her yelling and crying noises anywhere. Kohara excels at bringing cute, cheerful energy that immediately makes you endear for the character.

I think the time we got with Rose’s original squad was well done. It gave us enough time to let us feel the bond, but not so long that we felt we were wasting time with characters we knew would be dying. Aul is the only one who gets proper focus, but for the purpose of the unit focus on all of them was not needed. We also did get a nice moment that helped us feel that the other members were all people with names and lives. The scene where Rose talks to the parents of Josh hits hard and got me genuinely emotional. It's great for the world to have the events of that fight have an impact on more than just Rose. Hearing such a positive spin on the death of a soldier really hit hard. I hope most parents of fallen soldiers can reach the point of healthy acceptance that these two did. This scene both helps Rose and for the point of this blurb, reminds us that even though the other members like Josh did not get focus, they have some more substance than just extra soldiers.

A criticism I have seen levied was that it took too long to get the war content that it’s been building up to. It did take quite a while to get some proper action, but the action delivers. It is by no means at the top level of anime action that we have gotten in recent times, but it is good. The art is pretty great while being fun and engaging, with one of the best moments of the show being her chucking trees. There was solid pacing too, with the action not being stopped for too long by exposition. I enjoyed this fight and hope the upcoming fights are up to its caliber at least.

I really appreciate the show bringing up how losing her eye in the battle made a big difference in the moment. A pet peeve of mine is how often shows degrade the impact and weight of a character losing an eye. Most of the time they just keep fighting the same as normal or acclimate way too fast. I love her mentioning specifically that her depth perception is off because of losing her eye. In a proper battle that would make a massive difference. And while losing an eye only takes away about 30% of your vision, that could also mean the difference between life and death when you have arrows and magical blasts aimed at you. Characters barely changing from losing an eye sabotages dramatic weight and breaks my immersion in combat. I appreciate that this show gave her losing her eye the gravity it deserves in the moment even if it was just a bit of dialogue. Just the proper acknowledgement of the issues losing an eye brings means a lot to me.

The battle ending with the demon commander being saved is also an interesting one. They’re clearly setting up here that the demons are not meant to just be evil adversaries. It also shows the strength of Rose’s character by not having her fall into a blind rage and completely flipping as a character. Even after seeing her friends be killed, she still saw the meaning in her adversary wanting to save someone dying on the battlefield. This hits Rose at the core of who she is. Both humans and demons have people they care about and want to save. Up to this point I honestly didn’t have anything to say about the demons as they seemed like your standard demonic adversaries, but this makes me feel positive that we will get solid substance from them.

I think Rose’s fall into depression and recovery is well done. I like how we got a variety of her thoughts rather than jumping straight to a strong reaction. She did contemplate suicide, but she is engaging in self-punishment and doesn’t believe she has the right to die. But what should she do with this life? She thought about going on a demon murder rampage and getting revenge, but she already recognized that is not the right thing to do. She spent over a month stuck in her depression rather than going back so we can infer she considered quitting altogether. Another great aspect of Rose’s emotional side of things is how she gave herself the pep talk based on her memories, rather than getting a stereotypical pep talk from someone else. It’s important to show how support from others is important for emotional processing, but getting over every emotional hump doesn’t come from someone telling you how great you are, and sometimes you do need to work through things yourself internally. The king and other knight checking up on her likely helped but this is clearly not written the same as a pep talk. Sometimes people can work through things on their own with enough time to process. And this isn’t from negative behavior like her not accepting help or having a bloated ego. The problem was all internal and there is no way anyone else could have properly related to her as no one else has the capabilities she does. I love that it took a long time for her to reach this. It’s important to note how long it takes to cope with your emotions. And to return to the pep talk point, sometimes those pep talks that make a person’s emotional state do a complete 180 make it seem like overcoming bad emotions is easy. I really like her growth comes from her thinking about their lives rather than about their deaths. It’s obvious that after a horrific event like she experienced, she would hyperfixate on their deaths. She already had the answer as Aul was dying, that she should not hate herself and to continue being the strong and kind person she is.

She was also told by Josh's parents that she should not be ashamed of herself and what she has done. But the severity of the moment muted the positive impact of those words. When she is able to think about what came before that terrible event, she realizes the proper way to think. By remembering what her squad said while they were alive, she was able to put her own life into perspective and find a goal. Knowing everything that happens, it feels like a logical conclusion for Rose to focus entirely on saving lives. As a character within the archetype of the tough brutal teacher, Rose feels far above the rest as a dynamic and fleshed out character who does not exist just to be hated. She does the usual drill sergeant type of thing while having proper motivation and emotional reasoning behind it. She’s not brutal just so the main character has to struggle, she is brutal because of her backstory that stands entirely on its own. Rose really is a fantastic character by all metrics and she alone makes this show worth the watch.

This show continues to have great characters and excellent execution. We did have to wait a little too long for some great action with overall slow pacing, but it was still enjoyable, and I see some value in the slow buildup. The buildup was very successful for Rose’s side of things, so I feel confident that the buildup will have been worth it for Usato’s side as well. Hopefully this anime will continue on strong through to its conclusion. Thanks for reading!

#anime #review #blog #winter 2024 anime #the wrong way to use healing magic #Chiyu Mahou no Machigatta Tsukaikata

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philosophicalconservatism · 1 year ago

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hi, how are you? 😊 just for the fun of it, i'm throwing a random question at you: are there things which you think people shouldn't be able to buy or sell or do you think there should be no restrictions? like buying/selling e.g. organs, babies, weapons, drugs, sexual favors, etc. i follow some radical feminist blogs who are very much against surrogacy and oppose people (mainly sexual minorities) who say they have a right to surrogates and that it should be covered by insurance. i was wondering what a conservative thinks about these issues. i'm just curious & eager to hear different perspectives.

Thanks for the question, and once again for following.

The phrasing of your question cries out for drawing a basic distinction between Conservatism and Libertarianism. Yet the very moment we proceed to do so we come to an initial realization. If Libertarianism is only distinguishable from other ideas of government by the fact that it embraces an “absolute” ethos of liberty, then the only genuine Libertarianism is something called Anarcho-Capitalism. This is a scenario within which every voluntary transaction is permissible, which necessarily means that there can be no political state. Every element of order within such a society is to come about as a consequence of voluntary contracts between individuals at specific moments in time (including policing and enforcement).

Any professed Libertarian that adheres to anything less than this standard does not in fact embrace a genuine Libertarianism but some specific shade of Conservatism. How can I say this? Well, let us consider why someone who calls himself a Libertarian would reject an Anarcho- Capitalist model. How would he explain himself? In explaining himself he would begin to sound very much like a passage from an Edmund Burke pamphlet. He would begin to talk about abstract ideological speculation having to give way to practical human realities, and concrete social precedent. He could not exclude something like Anarcho-Capitalism in principle, as a future possibility, but he would insist that human societies as we presently know them cannot practically assume this form.

Now once he begins to reason in this way on political matters he cannot later on decide to appeal to some “absolute” Liberal ethos to settle every political question. He must continue in his confessed understanding of the fact that politics is actually a convergence of abstract ideals and (historically grounded) practical social realities. Without abstract ideals politics is morally blind, but without practical consideration and historical orientation, it is in applicable and useless. Attempt to establish a Jeffersonian Democracy overnight in a place like Saudi Arabia much less Afghanistan and see how far it gets you. On the other hand, you can take small practical steps toward gradually liberalizing such countries over time. The Conservative is a believer in freedom, but freedom is a thing into which societies must continually grow and develop.

So this brings us to your question of exactly what should and should not be permitted within the so called ”liberal” societies of the West. The answer is that we must determine on a case by case basis what we can realistically sustain as individual societies in this stage of our growth and development. We must carefully examine each issue with a close eye on the law of unintended consequences. Some professed Libertarians for example, like to talk about the legalization of drugs; but what would absolute drug legalization mean? It would consist of the right to freely dispense and use for recreational purposes, every single pharmaceutical and street drug in existence. We have absolutely no idea what an America like that would even look like.

We presently have a nationally crippling epidemic that revolves around a single strictly controlled substance (Fentanyl). One could not even begin to predict the vast sea of long term social consequences that would be created by the kind of policy referred to here. It would not even be guaranteed to eliminate the black market sale of these drugs. For example, there is still a multi-billion dollar international black market in tobacco, a legal drug. Now I made reference specifically to America here for a reason. Because in the end, every individual society must assess these issues for itself, on the basis of its own unique characteristics and national experience. Prostitution may be handled in one way by one legislature but differently by another (including within the same nation, as it is in the U.S.). One of the unintended consequences we must always consider is how the legalization of something complicates the prosecution of the illegal (or unregulated) versions of that thing.

The issue of surrogate motherhood could potentially yield some unique unintended consequences which cause it to stand apart. I do not have a problem with it in principle, but I think it must retain a certain character. If surrogate motherhood becomes a market exactly like any other market, then childbearing becomes the production of a commodity, and human beings can become articles for sale. But a child is not the “possession” of their parent, and therefore an unfettered market model is wrong for this kind of issue. There is a vast difference between parental discretion, and property rights. This topic is somewhat different from the others we have discussed so far. Those issues had to do only with how human beings dispose of their own person and property. This issue has to do with one party’s (or more than one party's) power over another (the future baby). For this reason it must be regulated even in the freest context.

In conclusion, the approach that I take on most of these question is to outline how we need to think about them rather than to try to answer them directly. Some of them are tremendously complex questions that do not necessarily have any uniform answer that is fit for every single society. We should act in a way that tends toward the maximization of freedom within the constraints of the present development of each society.

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religion-is-a-mental-illness · 2 years ago

Text

By: Holly Korbey

Published: Dec 20, 2022

Assistant professor Brett Mallon begins his evening Zoom session at Kansas State University with a question: When students hear the word “conflict,” what associations do they make?

Many first responses are decidedly negative. “I would say, avoid it at all costs,” one student offers. “Argument, awkward conversations,” says another. The list grows as students make emotional associations they have with conflict: stress, discomfort, war. Only one student suggests that he thinks of conflict as “an opportunity for growth.”

This is Conflict Resolution, a non-credit workshop in an “Adulting 101” series at Kansas State. The cheeky name, created by the campus wellness center, belies its serious purpose: to fill in the gaps of missing life skills for students with classes that range from the practical, like how to make a budget, to the relational, like dealing with imposter syndrome.

“Students talk about conflict like it’s this terrible thing,” Mallon said in an interview. “Is it that they’re afraid of [conflict], or are they lacking in experience? Probably a little bit of both.”

Seminars and classes like “Adulting 101” are becoming more common on college campuses. Though ranging in style and substance — from one-offs on handling stress to full-semester psychology courses on how to be happy — more universities are offering help to students struggling with the stresses of everyday life and mental health challenges like anxiety and depression.

But a growing body of evidence is beginning to suggest that the problems of “adulting” and mental health in college students may be rooted, at least in part, in modern childhood. Research shows that young people are lacking in emotional resilience and independence compared to previous generations. The problem has been growing in tandem with rising rates of anxiety and depression, perhaps exacerbated by the COVID-19 pandemic, and has left colleges scrambling to help and adapt.

“Some parents have been parenting differently, they have this value of success at all costs,” said Dori Hutchinson, executive director of the Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation at Boston University. “I like to describe it as some kids are growing up developmentally delayed, today’s 18-year-olds are like 12-year-olds from a decade ago. They have very little tolerance for conflict and discomfort, and COVID just exposed it.”

How modern childhood changed, and changed mental health

Research shows that young people who arrive on campus with healthy amounts of resilience and independence do better both academically and emotionally, but today more students of all backgrounds are arriving on campus with significantly less experience in dealing with life’s ups and downs. Many even see normal adult activities as risky or dangerous.

In a new study currently under review, Georgetown University psychologist Yulia Chentsova Dutton looked at whether American college students’ threshold for what is considered risky was comparable to their global peers. Chentsova Dutton and her team interviewed students from Turkey, Russia, Canada and the United States, asking them to describe a risky or dangerous experience they had in the last month. Both Turkish and Russian students described witnessing events that involved actual risk: violent fights on public transportation; hazardous driving conditions caused by drunk drivers; women being aggressively followed on the street.

But American students were far more likely to cite as dangerous things that most adults do every day, like being alone outside or riding alone in an Uber.

The American students’ risk threshold was comparatively “quite low,” according to Chentsova Dutton. Students who reported they gained independence later in childhood — going to the grocery store or riding public transportation alone, for example — viewed their university campus as more dangerous; those same students also had fewer positive emotions when describing risky situations.

Chentsova Dutton hypothesizes that when students have fewer opportunities to practice autonomy, they have less faith in themselves that they can figure out a risky situation. “My suspicion is that low autonomy seems to translate into low efficacy,” she said. “Low efficacy and a combination of stress is associated with distress,” like anxiety and depression.

In recent years, other psychologists have made similar associations. Author and New York University ethical leadership professor Jonathan Haidt has used Nassim Taleb’s theory of anti-fragility to explain how kids’ social and emotional systems act much like our bones and immune systems: Within reason, testing and stressing them doesn’t break them but makes them stronger. But, Haidt and first amendment advocate Greg Lukianoff have argued in their writing, a strong culture of “safetyism” which prizes the safety of children above all else, has prevented young people from putting stress on the bones, so to speak, so “such children are likely to suffer more when exposed later to other unpleasant but ordinary life events.”

Psychologists have directly connected a lack of resilience and independence to the growth of mental health problems and psychiatric disorders in young adults and say that short cycles of stress or conflict are not only not harmful, they are essential to human development. But modern childhood, for a variety of reasons, provides few opportunities for kids to practice those skills.

While it’s hard to point to a single cause, experts say a confluence of factors — including more time spent on smartphones and social media, less time for free play, a culture that prizes safety at the expense of building other characteristics, a fear of child kidnapping, and more adult-directed activities — together have created a culture that keeps kids far away from the kinds of experiences that build resilience.

Chentsova Dutton said America has an international reputation for prizing autonomy, but her study opened her eyes to a more complicated picture. American parents tend to be overprotective when children are young, acting as if kids are going to live at home for a long time, like parents do in Italy. Yet they also expect children to live away from home fairly early for college, like families do in Germany. The result is that American kids end up with drastically fewer years navigating real life than they do in other countries that start much earlier.

“We parent like we are in Italy, then send kids away like we are in Germany,” Chentsova Dutton said with a laugh. “Those things don’t match.”

A movement hopes to change the culture

Seventeen-year-old Megan Miller, a senior at Hudson High School in Hudson, Ohio, recently drove her two siblings, ages 15 and 12, to Cedar Point Amusement Park for an evening of fun. Miller was nervous. She’d never driven an hour and a half away from home by herself before, especially in the dark — but she had to do it; it was homework for school.

The assignment was to try something she’d never done before without her parents’, or anyone else’s, help. Other students figured out how to put air in their tires, cooked a meal for their family from start to finish and drove on the interstate. The point, Miller’s teacher Martin Bach said, was to give these young adults — many of whom would be living away from home in less than a year — experience with trying, failing and figuring something out on their own.

“I was seeing that student stress and anxiety levels were already bad, then COVID supercharged it,” Bach said. But a pattern of parents “swooping in to solve problems that kids could easily solve on their own” made Bach decide to create the unit on resilience and independence. “In my head I’m thinking, these kids are going off to college, how are they going to cope?”

Bach got the idea for the “do something new on your own” assignment from Let Grow, a national nonprofit promoting greater childhood independence. Let Grow offers free curriculum, aimed mostly at elementary and middle school students, that feels like it’s giving 21st century childhood a hard reset — like “play club,” in which children are allowed to play on school playgrounds without adult interference, and the “think for yourself essay contest.”

Let Grow is part of a growing movement of psychologists, therapists and educators advocating for evidence-based practices to help kids gain more independence and improve mental health. Let Grow’s co-founder, Lenore Skenazy, said that after traveling for years speaking to parent and school groups about the problem of shrinking childhood independence, she decided that families needed more than a lecture. “The audience would nod along, everybody gets it. But they wouldn’t let their own kids do it,” she said. Skenazy began to understand that the anxiety around child safety was not necessarily parents’ fault — the culture surrounding families almost fetishized child danger. Many parents felt they would be judged — or arrested — if they let their child walk to the park by themselves, or walk to the store.

Skenazy moved the organization toward behavior and policy change to address the cultural issues. Along with the independence curriculum for schools, Let Grow has helped four states enact “Reasonable Childhood Independence” laws aimed at protecting parents from neglect charges. Let Grow also speaks directly to parents and teachers about letting kids try things by themselves — and being surprised by what their kids are able to do.

Like Megan Miller, whose trip to Cedar Point was thrilling yet also had bumps along the way. They got a little lost inside the park, and the siblings had a disagreement over which roller coasters to ride. On the way there, even with navigation on her phone, she took a wrong turn and ended up on an unfamiliar road. But that road wound alongside scenic Lake Erie, which she’d never been on. “It ended up being this beautiful drive that I will definitely do every single time,” Miller said.

Since the trip, Miller’s parents have noticed a change, she said. “I find that I’m much more comfortable driving on highways and for long periods of time. My parents know now that I can do it, which helps a lot.”

A road forward

More researchers, psychologists and educators are looking to find more ways to incorporate independence skills into kids’ daily lives.

Clinical psychologist Camilo Ortiz, a professor at Long Island University-Post, began noticing a few years ago that some of his young patients, mostly children being treated for anxiety, would “fold very quickly” at the first sign of adversity. Ortiz uses what he calls the “four Ds” to explain what was happening: Today’s kids experienced less “discomfort, distress, disappointment and danger” than previous generations did, because their parents, who have the best intentions, deprive them of these opportunities. He began to wonder whether kids who didn’t get much of the four Ds were missing an important opportunity to be uncomfortable and then persist — and whether they might help clinically anxious children.

Beginning last year, Ortiz began a pilot treatment program for childhood clinical anxiety that is based on independence and “getting parents out of their hair.”

“This is not a traditional anxiety treatment,” he said. “My approach is something like: So you’re afraid of the dark? Go to the deli and buy me some salami.” A lot of anxiety is based in fear of the unknown, so the treatment involves having an experience full of uncertainty, like riding the subway alone or going to the grocery alone. If the child can tolerate the discomfort in that situation, Ortiz hypothesized that those lessons might translate to whatever is causing the child anxiety.

Early results are promising: the independence exercises have been successful in quelling anxiety for some children. “The new approach that I have developed is for middle school kids,” he said. “So by the time they’re college students, they’ve gotten a lot more practice with those four Ds.”

Other groups help build resilience in students in academic settings, like the Resilience Builder Program, which aims to help students think more flexibly, be proactive in the face of challenges and learn optimistic thinking. The program’s creator, Mary Alvord, said the protective factors taught to middle schoolers are based on decades of research on childhood resilience. “It’s about being proactive and not feeling like you’re a victim, how you can control some things, but you can’t control everything,” she said. “How can you make the best of it, and if you can’t — how do you ask for help?”

Experts say independence and autonomy are best formed and tested in childhood, but it’s never too late to begin. At the Center for Psychiatric Rehabilitation at Boston University, Hutchinson and her team help college students diagnosed with mental illness continue their education and reach their goals, and that often begins with building their resilience and independence skills. The center has developed a curriculum that is focused not just on students, but parents and faculty as well.

“Families are a player at the table,” Hutchinson said. Parents benefit from coaching that shows them how to support their student without “doing for” them. Parents sometimes don’t understand that protecting their child from failure and difficulty can be an obstacle to growth.

“When we are controlling a young adult’s experiences, and they go without that full range of emotional experience,” said the center’s Director for Strategic Initiatives Courtney Joly-Lowdermilk, “we’re actually curbing people’s opportunities to live full lives, and have the full range of human experience.”

Fredsskadade is a Swedish word meaning "injured by peace."

What would have been a fascinating follow-up would be to have the Canadian and US participants read the answers of the Turkish and Russian participants. And vice versa.

The fact that the peaceful, first world societies have affirmed and reinforced the anxiety in their kids - the psychological equivlent of foot-binding, seemingly because there are fewer legitimate threats than at any time in history - is something these societies will need to reckon with.

#first world privilege #fredsskadade #fragility #injured by peace #adulting #adulting 101 #emotional fragility #human psychology #psychology #resilience #personal resilience #anxiety #psychological stress #religion is a mental illness

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bekandrew · 2 months ago

Link

"Gather 'Round the Trashfires," a Deviant: the Renegades horror/comedy fiction podcast Mon, 16 Sep 2024 03:27:07 +0000

Robert has a new problematic hobby that threatens to bring law enforcement and Society attention to the cohort.

Also, the cohort explains to Madison about the conditioning project the Society uses, and that she's a victim of it.

---------

EPISODE TRANSCRIPT:

Get your snack and beverage of choice ready.

It’s time to “Gather ‘Round the Trashfires” for a tabletop roleplaying story! I’m your host, Bek Andrew Evans.

My current and main running story for this podcast is the misadventures of the cohort from the Deviant: the Renegades chronicle I’ve been playing in since early 2021. And I play Geri.

For those of you unfamiliar with Deviant, it’s a TTRPG about people who were formerly human but were irreparably changed in traumatic ways to the point their very Souls broke and they became something Other. They seek vengeance on those who made them, those who hunt them, those who seek to exploit them for what they are and will never leave them be.

As such, this podcast will feature heavy themes and content throughout. There’s an overall content warning for language, violence, criminality, homelessness, substance use, human experimentation, cults and religious extremism, mentioned torture, kidnapping, implied incest and incest-related comments, and abusive relationships. On episodes where there is a new content warning or a particularly notable instance of one of these, I’ll call it out.

I hope y’all enjoy hearing about my cohort’s antics and stumbling headfirst into the mysteries of the world as much as I have.

[Music Intro: "_violence" by Avantist]

GCC Episode 15: Madison's Conditioning

By the time the cohort gets home from the Air and Space museum, there's a video going viral on social media. It's a cell phone video from the museum of a stretched-looking, tall and pale Robert suddenly blurring in a bee-line for the back exit. He then stops in the parking lot. His skin and muscles shift like Hollywood-level special effects to Robert's normal form. The video captures Robert speed-walking deeper into the parking lot at a normal human rate.

The viral video isn't up for long, though. It suddenly gets taken down 12 hours later.

In the days since, Robert's been mysteriously disappearing at night. Surely just a coincidence, a lot more Snowdale Park Rangers patrol the area than previously after they discovered evidence of poaching. Alerts and fliers in the area say there's a $100 reward for any information that leads to the poacher's arrest. Thankfully, they haven't gotten close enough to the cabin to set off any of Grant's deadly traps.

Madison writes a notice in the information journal that they need to meet to catch up, and so they do.

One afternoon, Robert is carving bird bones into jewelry peices in the living room of the cabin. He's wearing a sleeveless tee shirt and shorts. Geri's busy cleaning something in the kitchen, wearing lounge clothes and barefoot.

Madison joins soon after from outside, wearing a pastel plaid pleated skirt, a long-sleeve tee shirt and tennis shoes. She wears her hair in a high ponytail and sips a sakura frappe.

Geri and Robert greet her and she gets right to the point: she tells them they need to talk.

Geri sprawls on one couch and Madi takes a seat on the other next to Robert.

Madison asks where Robert's been going at night, uncomfortably watching him carve the bird bones.

The look Geri gives Robert then is not warm.

Robert admits to hunting, and casually says he really should get a permit now that he's left some traces.

Geri asks why the fuck he's hunting and what purpose does it serve. He could, after all, simply NOT.

Madison reminds Robert that they're all supposed to be in hiding, not even her parents know they're at the cabin. She says the government-lake people are gonna take them to hospital-prison if they find them.

Geri also brings up how Robert Could Have Simply Not been the Flash in front of a ton of witnesses.

Robert thinks the super speed thing wasn't too bad since he had his mask on so no one could recognize him. He also doesn't see why they're picking on him for hunting when Madison goes out to a ton of free-WiFi places.

Geri doesn't care that Robert was wearing a mask, and Robert weakly defends himself saying it wasn't a conscious decision. Geri doesn't believe him.

Madi says she's about to risk getting killed by a Phantom of Elm Street to get a botnet to hide the cohort's tracks, but all that risk and effort will be useless if Robert gets them caught by the department of fishing and wildlife.

She reiterates she's always disguised when she goes out, and switches up which cafes she goes to. She goes on to explain her data security protocol... she's taking great pains to make sure she isn't tracked.

Robert thanks Madison for her efforts and promises he won't hunt anymore until he can get a permit.

Madi asks what name and address he's using for the permit. He hasn't decided, and is considering maybe bribing a park ranger.

Geri suggests again he could simply not. Robert immediately dismisses that option.

He asks them to trust his judgment, because he trusts theirs when they come up with plans.

Geri says the rest of the cohort wasn't making boneheaded decisions, and Madi scolds her for being so aggro.

Robert claims hunting helps him control what he becomes, and claims sometimes he becomes someone else.

Madison says they can't stop him from hunting, but she demands he do so safer and discreetly - so he doesn't bring law enforcement or the evil lake people to them.

Robert promises he'll be discreet as possible, and still thinks getting a permit is a good idea.

It's real hard, but Geri keeps her mouth shut and doesn't snark at Robert.

Madi reminds him he needs a fake name and address, so Robert comes up with "William Thompson" on the fly. This placates Madi.

He then tries to convince the two that they need balaclavas, or other full-facial masks so if they get into superpower fights in public, they can keep their identities safe.

Madi gently points out that that's just gonna draw more attention, and they should disguise by trying to look like normal people. Madison's stuck on why they would want to use their powers in public, though.

Robert thinks it might be necessary sometimes, so a mask could help for those situations, but says the hiding in plain sight is good for everyday disguises.

Madi points out if they're not expecting a fight, it'll be too late to put on a mask once it starts. Robert thinks they should still keep masks around for emergencies, and Madi says she can pick some up soon.

She also says they might, she guesses, need them if they ever decide to rob a bank - but no one tell Zuse that idea!

Robert suggests they could keep the masks while contacting other supernatural things, which he isn't keen on doing.

Madi reminds Robert she's dating a lake spirit. So yeah, they're gonna end up talking to other supernaturals.

Robert's afraid other supernaturals are gonna be more powerful than the cohort, and Madi confirms Camille sure is. Besides, the cohort's still learning and they need to learn to work together better, too! But it doesn't matter if they're less powerful than Camille or other things, they just have to learn to work with the hand they've been dealt.

Geri runs a hand through her hair and admits she needs to work on keeping Society thoughts from leaking into the Mindcraft. Madison's alarmed it might mean the link's two-way, but Geri assures her it isn't - just the song they think... disorients some of the cohort.

Robert wants to make himself bigger and stronger, and maybe be able to control his clones.

Madi says she finds The Long Man Song calming, and says Dr. Werner used to play it for her during therapy - mindfulness meditation sorta thing.

Robert says they should be wary of anything the Society did that made them feel good.

Awkwardly, Geri explains that yeah it makes you feel calm... but it's a Society tool to condition powerful Remade. She admits they tried it on her, too but they probably didn't have enough time to make it take.

She's scared now. Madi asks what Geri means by "condition." Robert says it's like the dog with the bell.

Geri cautiously, slowly explains that if one of them panics, it's meant to calm them instantly and stop whatever they were doing. But it's not strong enough to make them do anything else.

Absolutely not asked for, Robert says if you're conditioned once, it'll be way easier to condition you to do more things. When poor Madison starts shaking with terror, Robert assures her conditioning is a long process.

Madison asks what else they can do with it. She figures AJ's probably fine because his uncle Gabe loves him. Geri promises he is, all of them actually, but the Society members in the know can still weaponize it when the cohort has revenge time.

Robert suggests Geri or Grant overpower the song by screaming in the Mindcraft. No one acknowledges to his suggestion.

Madison gets increasingly worried and claims making someone calm isn't what conditioning is.

Geri tries to explain it by referencing the bar fight scene with River in the movie Serenity. This doesn't help much because Madi's never seen it. Then she thinks she had but mixes it up with Inception.

Robert wanders off to train, leaving the job of reassuring the baby living nuke to Geri.

AJ joins the group, just barely missing Robert. Not that he would have noticed, since he's so exhausted and un-caffeinated he's shuffling in like the walking dead. He's sipping on an over-sized beer mug filled with iced coffee. He groans more than speaks his greeting, and then flops into one of the couches.

Geri moves the unkempt curls out of his face and tells him she's trying to get everyone on the same page. She turns to Madi and explains the scene from Serenity, how the girl with superpowers started a fight in a bar and her brother told her a secret word and it made her drop to the floor asleep.

This doesn't have the intended effect of reassuring Madi. Instead, she panics worse. She wonders if that's why she got extra therapy sessions.

AJ gets momentarily distracted by the Serenity discussion. He's wistful about how hot he thinks Simon was, but says Kaylee the mechanic was the character he related to the most. He then asks Madison how she felt when she heard the Long Man Song.

She doesn't know, and starts spiraling into a full electrified panic. She babbles about how it was used in therapy and worries that the Society will make her hurt people because they wanted to make her an "asset."

AJ takes his turn trying to reassure Madi. He gestures for her to retake her seat and explains the conditioning can only make you do very specific things you're conditioned to do instead of a full sort of mind control. He says he knows it's scary and enraging, but promises they'll all figure it out together.

Violated, Madi asks how they undo it, to keep the Society out of her head. She worries more that the specific purpose could be using her as a weapon. She doesn't want to be made to hurt more people.

Geri says she can check for her just like she checked for AJ, and besides, she's seen Madi space out at the song so it's probably just that effect like Zuse said.

Madi snaps back that Zuse also said Dr. Werner didn't torture anyone. AJ says that's why they're gonna verify it together and not rely on Zuse's opinion. But they need Madi to calm down. He says he can help her, but she needs to trust him. He offers his hand to the sparky girl. He says they're all in this together.

Madi drops her cup and spills frappe all over the floor. She says she's trying to be calm, even as she's sparking and visibly panicking more.

Geri fetches the mop to begin cleaning the mess and says it's alright, they're a found family. Madison begs Geri to rip the conditioning out of her head.

Geri gently explains that she doesn't know if she can even do that, but the first step is figuring out the extent of the conditioning, which she CAN do.

AJ goes off on a tangent in trying to comfort Madi, that it's not a death sentence, and even if it was it wouldn't be valid. Even Judge Judy would sideye it.

Madi's insistent they have to figure out more about her conditioning! She can't bear the idea of putting her new friends in danger. AJ promises she won't do that, and Geri promises she'll figure it out.

With a terrible realization, Madison starts panicked-rambling wondering if any of the therapy was real therapy or if it was all just experiments and torture. She slides against the wall to the floor.

AJ's momentarily upset at the mention of Gabe, but pulls it together almost immediately. He says parents, older generations make you believe they're powerful and infallible, but they're fuck ups like the rest of everyone. He sits with Madison.

Geri kneels down beside her and offers the girl a hug. She says to keep anything from therapy that may have helped and ditch the rest.

Reminded of her own parents, Madi laments her family never returned her calls. She only got her dad's secretary. At this, Geri goes in for a protective hug... and is a champ about pretending she isn't getting shocked.

AJ watches the painful hug and manages, barely, to not tip Madi off about it.

She's too distraught to realize the pain she's causing. AJ says Madison's parents screwed up BAD not realizing what an amazing, brave, and sweet daughter they have. Now the cohort has her.

Madi looks up with wide, teary eyes and asks if he really means that. Geri says since Madi's parents don't appreciate her, Geri and AJ are her new parents. AJ smiles and says she's stuck with them. They're a super dysfunctional family that drinks together and fights crime.

She says the two are the sweetest, but says Lucas'll probably kill AJ if he kisses her again. AJ says that would be a glorious death, and fake swoons.

Geri gives AJ a light kick to the shin and releases Madi from the shocky hug. She has some minor electric burn marks.

AJ joke-defensively says he has needs, but he's an explorer and doesn't visit the same port twice.

Madi laughs and says that's a new term for fuckboy, but after a moment, looks to Geri with worry etched on her face. She asks if Geri can check her head.

While the other two go back to silly banter, Geri connects to Madi. She finds out Madi thinks the therapy helped her, but she's unable to find information

Madi doesn't know herself. She can't figure out the extent of the conditioning this way, but is able to confirm that the lack of knowledge isn't from repressed memories. Unfortunately, Geri attunes to Madi so intensely that she's momentarily overwhelmed by all the layers of Madi's terror about conditioning.

Meanwhile, AJ and Madison are still bantering about AJ's fuckboy-ness and other silly euphemisms AJ can come up with. When she doesn't understand one of them, AJ says she'll understand when she's older.

Madison insists that she totally understands well, she went to Catholic school.

AJ's confused. He thought Catholic school was all about teaching abstinence. Madi gives an unconvincing affirmative, but it's enough to keep AJ confused.

Then, Geri's overwhelmed by Madi's fear. She pales, breaks into a cold sweat, and scarlet wisps of psychic energy form around her, singing the floor and some of Madi's clothes.

AJ stops trying to decipher how a catholic school student would possibly know about anything sex-related to check on Geri. Madi worriedly asks if Geri's okay.

Geri's still shakey, but she manages to compose herself and tries to play it off as nothing, just a little backlash, no biggie. She says she'll have to check another way since Madi has no knowledge what her conditioning might do beyond the calming.

Madi begs her to do it, whatever it is. Geri replies it's her dream power. Madi warns her to be careful and not look in on the experiment memories.

Geri says she'll try but it can't possibly be worse than dying.

AJ says he's really in the mood for raiding the food stash and making some trashy food like jalepeno and turkey bacon cheese quesadillas. Then he remembers Madi's vegetarian and suggests blue cheese poppers. He gives Geri puppy dog eyes.

She's very drained, but Geri agrees to help cook.

When AJ runs into the kitchen to gather stuff, Zuse pops out of the fridge and announces he wants whatever they're having, too... and then has to rush to find his clothes.

AJ yells at Zuse for popping out of the fridge (again) and streaking in the house... (again).

That night, Geri goes to sleep for an Astral Travel dream. She asks the universe for more insight about Madison's conditioning.

She has a brief dream about Madison. She sees Madison as she was in the ward, when she first got brought in. She sees some staff reviewing a report about the freak storm that slaughtered nearly an entire high school football team and cheerleading squad from a Tulsa private school. Then Geri hears the Long Man Song.

Later, after she wakes up, Geri decides to get more information about the Church of Charismatic Virtues. She goes to a cafe with a computer and checks the church's website. She also makes a sock account on social media, pretending to be a tech-illiterate middle aged church lady.

She learns Vacation Bible School is coming up in June, the week after local schools let out. The church calendar has a ton of VBS activities planned through June. More importantly, she learns of a summer kickoff event on Memorial Day, later this month. It'll have fire dancing and a youth BBQ.

Memorial Day is quickly coming up.

[Music Outro: "Time Will Fail Us" by Troigo]

Thanks for listening, This has been Gather ‘Round The Trashfires with Bek Andrew Evans. Please subscribe to this podcast for future updates and leave a review or comment, I’d love to hear what you think. You can follow me on a few different social platforms with the username "bekandrew." That's [spells username] on tumblr and bluesky, mainly.

If you'd like to support me, subscribe to my Patreon at Patreon.com/BekAndrewTTRPG and purchase my art prints and tabletop products, including my Deviant: the Renegades community content novella related to this chronicle via my linktree in the description.

AJ is played by Roen,

Geri is played by me,

Madison is played by Syn,

Robert is played by Pandito,

Grant is played by Jaxon,

And our Storyteller is Casey Grant.

The intro theme is "_violence by Avantist" from the Free Music Archive, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution International 4.0.

The end theme is "Time Will Fail Us" by Troigo from the Free Music Archive, licensed under Creative Commons Attribution International 4.0.

If you like the songs, I encourage you to check out more of their work. I've linked their Bandcamps in the description.

Until next time.

Follow my Patreon at Patreon.com/BekAndrewTTRPG Check out my other work at linktr.ee/bekandrew Check out the Intro and Outro artists' Bandcamps! https://theavantist.bandcamp.com/music https://troigo.bandcamp.com/ Remember to subscribe and see y'all next week! Support this podcast at — https://redcircle.com/gather-round-the-trashfires/donations Transcript:

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werewolf-femboy-maid · 3 months ago

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me after another episode (multiple meanings)

yes, another "keep reading" this is gonna be fun

guys :"0 I got cooked by my own stupidity (malnutrition, dehydration, inconsistent sleep schedule, adhd, bpd, lack of self awareness, lack of discipline, not doing breathing exercises when upset, trauma, broken phone I didn't have money to pick up today, stupid university applications I still need to do, red40 from last night and undiagnosed autism) again, look it me the fried.

dude I was not having it man. Idk if it was the red40 again or im just a genuinely horrible person. I must hate people, I must not give a single shit about anyones feelings, im super selfish and I only care about my own useless opinions and feelings.

I literally do property damage. I littered today. I am just the worst person. and yet I am not "that guy". how can I be this shitty of a person and not be "that guy" but noOoOo if I even TRY to be violent he threatens me with the police. (I unbuckled and opened the passenger side door to see if I could just die while he was driving and slapped him multiple times at a later point not while he was driving)

I screamed so much guys it hurts I don't want to be alive. this next story was from a month or two ago already but yeah basically one day I decided to steal my potential mother's in law alcohol and now she's hiding it from me :}}}}

I am so happy with myself! look at what a trustworthy and safe and loving person I am with her son! wow what a great way to introduce myself to this new family that welcomed me wow (she even took me to a pride parade when my bf couldn't because of work. they've both taken me at least once by now)

wow and I told his catholic grandma that I hope god sends me to hell (she wouldn't stop talking) (yes im a bad person for that, that's the whole point of this post, to talk about what a shitty and fake and ungrateful piece of shit I am) (im looking for excuses to throw myself away because I cant take it anymore) (its either live a life of isolation or live a life of constantly making mistakes and "learning" and disappointing everyone in my life and constantly hearing shit from other people about how I don't clean up enough or how violent I am) (id rather die alone) (but im too much of a coward to break up) (wow I cant believe my selfish incompetent ass could ever want kids) (how sadistic could you possibly have to be to look at my miserable useless genetics and think I should have offspring) (its so delusional to even think for a second I was ever capable of a happy and normal marriage or life) (I will never be a good mother) (I will never be anything to anyone except another mouth to feed and a danger) (if my only two options is complete isolation or learning by listening to other people criticize my actions (which I inevitably think is my character) without getting violent, then I would rather be in complete isolation) (well I want to choose complete isolation) (but im a fucking coward and im addicted to substances so I don't want to leave yet) (im such a horrible piece of shit) (yes im making my mindset as shitty as possible just like he says I always do on purpose) (idk either, I don't know why I do that but I think its a subconscious coping mechanism that worked at some point in my life (I think I realized early on that if I just overwhelm myself to a crazy amount, I won't be physically be able to think anymore, and then I don't have to process the yelling) (I think that might be what happened and why I always instantly try to make my problems as bad as possible so I don't have to think about them because ive already lived out the worst possible scenario by the time im too tired to process anything else)

the world is evolving too fast for primitive humans like me. I can barely start researching EVEN TOPICS I AM INTERESTED IN and I cant stick on the screen for more than 30 seconds before I have to close the laptop and there's too many things

I don't even answer my messages, not here, not on snap, not text, not email, not anything, not reddit or anything I just don't interact. I don't even go to Omegle because I cant find the "right time"

its such a stupid fucking lie the "right time"

I don't even talk to many people on pony town. im so fucking sad, like talking to people was my thing

and I always say I am gonna shut up and I never actually shut up because I forget, I hate my voice so much rn I cannot just shut up, im sure everyone that knows me wants me to just kill myself so (I was distracted by a conversation irl here)

I mean yeah idk

its just survival of the fittest at this point, it is just faulty systems dying out and making way for stronger organisms. (this isn't about poverty or classism, fuck all that)

I don't think realistically anyone is cool enough to picture my head on a platter, and I don't think even more realistically that anyone actually wants me to straight up die. I could be wrong tho. maybe some day I'll pull someone's last little straw, and my food will finally be poisoned and I can just die! :)

he almost finally broke up, but he took it back like a fucking retard. I hate love so much, it's all a lie. "love" is really just a retarded coping mechanism where these people cant live without each other, but trying to understand each other is fucking hell, and either way, both parties are fucking miserable.

I have so much privilege and im wasting it all

my life is so nice and I am ruining and wasting every second. I could be so happy right now and I am throwing it all away because the world and myself make me believe I am a useless piece of shit, and the sooner I throw myself away, the sooner these people can heal and move on with their lives.

JUST SAY IT SAY IM SELFISH

SAY IM A FUCKING SELFISH PUSSY

IM A SELFISH PIECE OF SHIT

I WILL NEVER SCREAM LOUD ENOUGH

have some fun gifs

11 year old me doing my 30 math questions and daydreaming about being a Pokemon character for 7 hours after another screaming match while my younger brother finishes his homework faster and plays video games all day (oooooh that's what happened...)

:))))))) help me help me im about to die but not really because I was never brave enough to finally go

I need to go

I ne hhhhhh what's the point of this. im just talking to myself again like I always have. I didn't even drink water today. really? just the red40 and more discipline IS THIS WHY IM SO SHITTY

I have so much privilege and things to be thankful for and people in my life who should've thrown me away a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but they still sticking around anyway because they're all FUCKING RETARDED

this kind of mindset is why grape culture is still a problem (for those confused, im afraid im not referring to actual grapes. I wish from the bottom of my heart I was), because it's always the victim's fault for staying with the abuser. but now no one cares except the boy's family because he's a boy and is less likely to get [hysically hurt. I've already lost his trust tho. I guess that's what makes me even more not want to try, ive already ruined it. im still here in denial I guess. I lie to myself, "oh maybe sensory overload wont be that big of an issue if we have kids" "ill become more mature by then" "I can just discipline myself"

I had three fucking years. to just do my fucking breathing exercise any time im upset. and I cant even do that. I don't think I should be a part of society because no one will benefit from me. does this mindset also endanger other disabled people? yes it does. does this make me a bad person that doesn't care about other people? yes it does. I realized nature is so perfect because disabled individuals DIE.

I wasn't potty trained until 4, and I read somewhere that people who have anger issues tended to be potty trained later in life. so I guess im a shithead. I also had pneumonia when I was 3. I should've been dead.

don't worry about me I am very unlikely to die. im really just writing out my negative thoughts so I can stop thinking about them because I know I can just go back and look at this later.

I was tripping so many balls and I screamed so so loud out the CAR WINDOW....

there is no career for me besides the circus. except im not even funny, im just weird and annoying and violent. he's going to lose his job because of me. they're gonna pay more money to the apartment complex because I keep slamming the doors and breaking shit. I break so much shit I need to die. fbi please assassinate me at this point, I am literally only going to cause damage if I am kept alive. I should not have children. passing my genes down would be a crime. no human should live with such a poor miserable mind. im not doing that to my kids. I couldnt hope to ever apologize enough if I have a kid and they suffer the same way I did.

I have every blessing in the world and I somehow manage to be the most miserable scumbag piece of shit abusive person

he says he hates himself and he could not possibly hate himself more than I hate myself

idk what im even saying. I think my episode is almost done, but man the red40 is weird. im kinda at the point where im too tired to be angry and now im just kinda really tired and lightheaded and I cant pay attention anymore. my arms are weaker fingers cold.

I guess it was the red40 because I was doing alright but then I ate that last night. I also had another huge episode about a week ago (I broke up and also told his mom im breaking up) (yes and then I took it back after eating protein) (how am I still alive, you ask???) (please tell me idk either) ( my stress tolerance must be WILD) (im lowkey waiting for a random obsessive person to figure out the lore and say something mysterious or something idk I hate it when im in a rush and something is too mysterious and then I cant figure it out and it angers my poor fragile little ego) (yes im one of those people that give up on learning if im not good at it within 3 tries)

I suck at cleaning up after myself (I didn't clean the stove after cooking) and I forgot to mention I mopped the floors (there was grease on the floor and I didn't clean it when it was a puddle and it spread so I mopped the floor) but it's not useful to mop the floors apparently. just not as important as the stove because more stuff is on there. and the mop fuck I just feel so unappreciated but I also am aware that it makes sense that the stove is more urgent. I just keep putting my effort in the wrong places.

my movements are not steady I should drink water and eat something for the first time today

wait I had at least two dreams where I was screaming really loud but I couldnt hear myself what do those mean?

idk man I get torn between self pity and shame. its always one extreme or the other. its either "oh my god im so sad look at how sad it was omg why are people so insensitive when im obviously struggling?" or "omfg I cant stand

"you don't care enough to solve a problem, you only care enough to cause a problem" - my loving boyfriend whose family probably cant fucking stand me and is probably praying day and night for something to happen to me so I can finally be out of their lives

this is what I get for talking about my feelings. this is what I get. and he says im not paying attention to the context. maybe I am. maybe the devil is smiling as he separates us, a supposedly perfect couple.

I need to clone myself so I can fuck but also so I can kill myself and mutilate my dead body and wear my skin over my face and squeeze the blood from my heart into a basin of soju so I can take a bath in it and drink it all. i would also investigate the lungs if I remember to smoke with the clone before I kill it. dude smoking with my clone would be so cool but it would also make killing myself a little more sad

I think part of my problem is that one of my trauma responses is

Mind: oh man there's a lot of loud noise and hostile energy going around, and negotiating is not making it stop, what do we do? Mind: hmmmm how about we also get extremely loud and wear ourselves out so we physically can't process or do anything for the next 5 hours? Mind: wait excuse me what?

I wanna live in a little wood box alone in some forest for the rest of my life. I wouldn't be happy but id certainly be more comfortable. no person to please, no expectation from any human or animal, no task or thing I have to work on. just me, my delusions, and my little box. occasionally I will go and get food and water and that's it. I don't ever want to interact with anything again. I'll just die one day in the forest

which is what I would say if I wasn't a fucking pussy. im too scared to leave the people in my life and I love my mother too much. maybe I'll run away forever after my parents pass away. and I can be happy with my mom again. like I always wanted.

stay safe baby birds much love <3

and remember!

There's no such thing as the "right time".

#:)#unhealthy #unhealthy coping mechanisms #trauma response #dissacociation #relationship goals #help me #not really #don't save her #she don't wanna be saved #I want to die but I cant because im a fucking coward

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slyth3rinbab3 · 4 months ago

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When You Feel Like Giving Up… (Suicide Ideation)

“I give up!” , “I’m a total failure!”, “I just can’t love myself anymore and no one will!” , “I just want to be gone from this world already”

These phrases or lines sound familiar to you? You’re not alone! I’ve been through that and I’m going through it again. But why do people reach this point where they want to or feel like giving up on life?

Some circumstances such as experiencing certain health conditions, unexpected events, longtime hardships or things just didnt turn out the way you wanted them to be can really make people feel like giving up on life itself. (Source: “I Give Up: What to Do When You Feel Like Giving Up on Life” from Nadra Nittle”; https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-like-giving-up-on-life-5186949)

It’s only normal when people go through these phase where they want to give up on life esp when they go through various life circumstances – stress, burnout, fear and mental illness and it can even be exhausting to try navigating these complexities where they have negative thoughts, depressive symptoms, or even suicidal ideation. (Source: “Giving Up On Life: What It Signifies And How To Receive Support by Better Help Editorial Team; https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/giving-up-on-life-it-could-be-a-sign-you-need-help/)

Suicidal ideation occurs when people reach this point where they are not worth it anymore or when their life is no longer worth living. This ideation refers to thoughts of suicide or taking of one’s own life . Suicide ideation has two kinds: passive and active. A passive suicideal ideation is where one wishes he or she was dead or could die but they have no plans or don’t formulate a plan to die by suicide whereas an active suicide ideation is where one doesnt only think of wanting to die but also plans on how to take his or her own life. It is one of the symptoms of both major depression and the depression found in bipolar disorder, but it may also occur in people with other mental illnesses or no mental illness at all.

When Do You Know If Someone Has A Suicide Ideation

A suicide ideation can be really alarming. Here are warning signs when you or a friend/loved one is having one:

Isolation from loved ones

A feeling of hopelessness or being trapped

Talking about death or suicide

Giving away possessions

An increase of substance use or misuse

Increased mood swings/anger/rage/irritability

Engagement in risk taking behavior

Accessing means to kill oneself

Acting as if saying goodbye to people

Feeling extremely anxious

You can hear these familiar thoughts from people wanting to give up on themselves:

“Why should I live?”

“I have nothing to live for anymore”

“I’m tired of life”

“I don’t care about anything”

“What’s the point?”

Why People Give Up On Life

Financial insecurity

Relationship conflict

Death of a loved one

Loneliness

Mental health conditions

The sense of not fitting in

What Causes People To Have Suicide Ideation

A lot of factors can lead or contribute to suicide ideation and these often strike when someone is feeling hopeless and out of control in life or feels like their life is meaningless or has no purpose at all. (Source: “Understanding Suicidal Ideation and How to Cope” by Marcia Purse from Very Well Mind; https://www.verywellmind.com/suicidal-ideation-380609)

Previous suicide attempt in the past

Mental health disorder

Feeling hopeless , isolated or lonely

Not being married

Being gay, lesbian, bisexual or transgender

Having served in military

A chronic illness (e.g. cancer , diabetes or terminal disease)

Chronic pain

Traumatic brain injury

A family history of suicide

Drug or alcohol use disorder

Living in a rural area

Having access to firearms

Sources:

I Give Up: What to Do When You Feel Like Giving Up on Life” from Nadra Nittle”; https://www.verywellmind.com/what-to-do-when-you-feel-like-giving-up-on-life-5186949

“Giving Up On Life: What It Signifies And How To Receive Support by Better Help Editorial Team; https://www.betterhelp.com/advice/general/giving-up-on-life-it-could-be-a-sign-you-need-help/

“Understanding Suicidal Ideation and How to Cope” by Marcia Purse from Very Well Mind; https://www.verywellmind.com/suicidal-ideation-380609

#mental health #suicide ideation #giving up

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ambrosiasaladofthebrain · 7 months ago

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Chapter 5: Into the Ant Hill

“You’ll be placed in a room until someone can be sent to investigate you.” The woman’s soft voice echoed as the sound of gears and grinding repeated behind them now.

Jake could hear her voice bounce off what seemed like rock walls. How he came to that conclusion, he didn’t really know. He could hear Wonbe’s footsteps beside him hit the ground, it sounded so much more confident than Jake’s stuttering, stumbling, shamble. He could hear another set of footsteps besides theirs as well. Someone who had not yet spoken seemed to be walking behind them.

Jake realized that this meant he was now surrounded on both sides. He couldn’t go forwards or backwards now, he could only go where they wanted him to. Was that on purpose? Probably, Wonbe had mentioned their heightened paranoia. But how was he supposed to run if he needed to?

Just as the panic started to take control the procession stopped and a door was opened.

“In here.” The woman directed, “You can set him down in the interview chair.”

“Alright, thank you.” Wonbe said before directing his voice towards Jake, “Sorry if the chairs cold, it’s metal.”

Before he could answer Jake was set in the chair, which luckily wasn’t as cold as he had been expecting.

“You’re free to go for a debriefing now.” The woman said, seeming to talk to Wonbe, still standing at the doorway.

“Is it possible that I can stay with him for the interview?” Wonbe asked.

“Why would you want to do that?”

“Its just that I promised to stay with him.”

“And why would you do that?”

“He was panicking at the time and I thought it would help.”

“Did it?”

“Yes, I think so.”

“Mh.” There was a moment of silence before she spoke again. “Maybe he wanted you to say that.”

“Uh, I, don’t know why he would?”

“I don’t claim to know how outsiders think. I just know they’re always plotting something.”

“Ah.”

“You can stay here but be aware that this room is being recorded, and anything you say will be reviewed. Also, you know from experience how hard it can be to get out of here once the door is locked, so if you’re going to stay make sure your sure of it.”

“I am sure.”

“Ok. Mr. Ramona will be here shortly, as well as Ms. Ramona.”

“This isn’t their district though?”

“They have the classifications needed for an interview and they have connections with you therefore it’s more logical for them to be here. You need to check in with your guardian as soon as possible anyway, this is killing two birds with one stone for you.”

“Ok.” Wonbe said in a defeated tone.

“They will be here shortly. Goodbye.”

“Can he take off the blindfold?”

It was silent a moment and Jake thought maybe the woman had left already but she gave a yes before the sound of a door shutting and locking in place followed and Jake sighed in relief.

“That didn’t actually go that badly.” Wonbe said, untying Jake’s blindfold and stuffing it back into his bag.

Jake drank in his surroundings as quickly as he could. Careful to not choke on the information as it processed.

Directly in front of him was a metal table with handcuffs chained to a little bar. Two more metal chairs and beehind that was a mirror. Jake bypassed this for a moment, intent to not look at his own face just yet.

The walls were made of rock and there were four cameras blinking red at him. One in each corner. The only door in the room was a large metal thing with multiple locks and no window. The floor was rock as well and Jake wondered if the room was carved out it or if whoever had placed the substance was just good at their job.

Jake inhaled, content with his review of the room. He looked at his hands, scratching at the scratches knitting along them then tracing the starburst scars along his right knuckle. Following the smaller scars up his arm.

“He-” Jake began, looking up then catching the beginning of the mirror he shot his eyes down towards Wonbe’s shoes that swung slightly from where he was sitting on the table next to Jake. “Hey, uh, how long will this take?”

“Well,” Wonbe’s left leg swung in thought, “if you answer the questions with no preamble, maybe an hour?”

“An hour?”

“Give or take. It can be short but depending on how you answer they might ask different questions.”

“When will we be able t’look fer my sister?”

“As soon as my watam charges.” Wonbe waved his arm with something black on his wrist in the corner of Jake's eyes, then realizing Jake wasn’t looking up, jumped off the table and crouched into his line of sight. Jake started to pick at his nails, under the sparkling eyed stare.

“Here,” Wonbe picked up Jake’s chair, with Jake still in it, and rounded the table, “This side’s more comfortable, the light just sorta hits different.” He kicked away the other two chairs that clanged against the ground a moment making Jake wince before he was placed down again. “Much better right?”

Jake looked up at the mirrorless wall in front of him, the light didn’t really look all that much different, fluorescent lights weren’t really his thing though so he doubted he’d like them in any angle. “Yeah, it is.” He smiled anyway.

“Anyways, yeah, once I get my watam charged I can start looking for her online. Once your interview is done they’ll ask if there’s anything they can do to help most likely. Then you can ask about your sister.”

“Ok.”

It was silent a moment before Jake couldn't fight the urge anymore; “What’s a watam?” He burst, the question had been bothering him since the second time it had been brought up but apparently it could connect to the internet and it sounded similar to how someone would talk about a phone. Jake didn’t want to be annoying by asking stupid questions but he really wanted to know.

“This,” Wonbe smiled like it wasn’t a problem, and displayed his right arm. On his wrist, like a large watch, was an odd device. It was a wide oval screen on a black band. The band had a thin green line and a thick red line separated by black on the outer edge but in all it looked like a fancy, large watch.

“It does everything a phone would but it’s on my wrist. I don’t know if they use them in the enclosures but everyone uses them in the woods. I think they were made to be able to work through the dust.”

“But the dust makes communicating long rang difficult. That's why there’s no service outside the domes. Anyone who goes outside loses all contact.”

“Mh, no. It makes long distance hard, but like, loong, long distance. From one side of America to the next is fine. America to uh, the end of Canada is tricky though. Anyways that is why watams are made to have stronger signals.”

Jake scrunched his brows, “Akuno always said that making a signal strong enough wasn’t possible.”

Wonbe snorted, “Yeah, well, that was a lie.”

Jake glared at him a moment before looking back at the watam. There must be a reason Akuno wouldn’t have mentioned these. Then again, if time really had passed it was possible that these just came out after his… memory lapse, and everyone had one back home now.

“But yeah,” Wonbe slipped the screen off the band seamlessly and dropped it on the table. “Normally it has a hologram feature which is why it’s watam. It’s a watch hologram.”

“Really! Really?” Jake quickly fixed his volume, not meaning to be so loud in his excitement, “Last I’d seen only fancier districts ‘ad ‘olograms. Are’ya sayin’ that they’re commonplace now!”

“Heh, ‘olograms.” Wonbe giggled.

Jake glared at him, “ Oh I am so sorry your highness, is this better for you?” he mimicked Wondbe’s posh and polished accent, reminding himself of Joy mimicking Amanda for a moment.

Wonbe looked at him a moment and instantly Jake froze. Maybe he shouldn’t have done that. Mimicking someone’s accent, especially someone from a higher district was really rude. He might be upset that a lower class citizen was mocking him. Maybe he should tense his muscles, just in case-

Wondbe giggling at him, “Sorry, was that supposed to be me?” He laughed, a crystal thing that echoed along the walls and made Jake smile, releasing his tensed muscles. Ok, he had been right in assuming he could mock him back, good, cool.

The door clicked as Wonbe continued to laugh, opening on a woman who looked absolutely shell shocked at the sight in front of her.

“What. The. Hell.” She uttered as a man that looked similar to her pushed her into the room so he could enter as well. Upon entering he looked confused a moment before scrunching his face in distaste and slamming the door closed.

Jake jolted upright as it clicked shut and Wonebe jumped off the table, quitting instantly to stand behind Jake. It almost felt like he was trying to hide behind Jake but he was far too tall and Jake was more like a bush than a wall for him.

“How did you do that?” The woman asked, quickly grabbing one of the upturned chairs from the floor and placing it on the other side of the table. She fell into the chair, looking at Jake in anticipation.

“Wha- I.” He started in confusion. What had he done? What was she talking about? Had he done something. He watched in panicked confusion as the man slowly followed his companion with an annoyed glare, picking up the other chair, slinging a bag off his back, tossing the chair next to the other and dropping down, never taking his glare off Jake who could feel the room heat up.

“I mean, in all the years I’ve known him, I’ve never seen that!” The woman exclaimed, waving a hand at Wonbe who looked at her, unimpressed.

“I’ve laughed before.” He said, crossing his arms.

“Not like that you haven’t!”

Wonbe rolled his eyes and looked at the man who had a similar unimpressed look with his arms crossed as well. The two actually looked a little similar now that Jake looked.

“You need a soul to really laugh.” The man rumbled, “And yer missing one so,” he shrugged.

Wonbe huffed, “Whatever. This is Jake Lunes, he’s looking for his sister.”

Jake gave a small wave, looking at the lady’s black tablet. She waved back, which Jake thought was nice of her.

“Hi Jake, how’re you?”

“Uh,” Her accent was different than Wonbe’s, come to think of it, everyone here had a similar accent but Wondbe’s was different, was his considered odd here as well or- oh wait, he was supposed to answer her. “I'm good,” he said on instinct. That was actually very not true, he really wanted to scream and run in a circle or smash buttons until something made sense but it was polite to say he was good because people didn’t actually ask because they cared but to be nice. They just wanted to look good and hear a positive response.

Wonbe and the angry man cocked their heads at Jake like they were judging that answer and didn’t believe him but the woman just smiled at him. It was a closed off and somewhat fake thing that reminded Jake of the caseworker that had talked to him That Day. Come to think of it, the room was similar to this one too.

“That’s good to hear. I’m Mary and this is my brother Greg. We’re just going to ask you some questions, ok?”

“Ok.”

“Firstly, what’s your full name?”

“Jake Lunes.”

The woman opened her mouth as if to say more when Jake remembered he probably had to include his middle name again, even though he didn’t really know it. “E. Jake E Lunes., I don’t know my actual middle name, sorry, I just know it started with an E.”

“How do you not know your own name?” Greg asked him impatiently.

“Greg.” Mary reprimanded but Greg waved her off.

“No, really, it’s a middle name, how can you know the rest of yer name and not that?”

“Many people go a long time without needing to think about their middle name.” Mary advised.

Greg just huffed in annoyance, glaring at Jake like he was causing an issue. Maybe he was. These people surely had other things to do. They probably didn’t want to be here dealing with him and his issues. He should make sure to thank them for their help afterwards.

“Jake, E. Lunes,” Mary mumbled as she wrote it down on her tablet before looking back up to Jake, “And how old are you Jake?”

Jake looked at Wonbe, who had migrated to the far left corner behind the two adults. Wonbe shrugged, lifting his hands in a nonchalant manner. Jake scrunched his brows in slight annoyance. That wasn’t useful in any way, should he say what was most accurate? What was most accurate? The last thing he remembered was being 13 but why would Wonbe lie about the date. To make him panic? To throw him off for some reason?

If Wonbe was telling the truth about the date then he was somehow 24 but he didn’t feel 24. Then again, he’d never been 24 before so he didn’t know what it was supposed to feel like.

“Hello?” Greg snapped his fingers in front of Jake’s face, making him flinch back, into his chair wich clanged against his back in an aggressive fashion, making him flinch forwards again before wincing in embarrassment and trying to shrink into himself and ignore the fresh pain in his ankle.

“Greg.” Mary chastised, pushing his hand down and giving him a disappointed look. “Sorry, are you ok?”

Jake nodded, looking at his entwined fingers with fake interest.

“How old are you dear?” Mary asked again.

“Well,” Jake started, looking at Mary's nose, then Greg’s furrowed brows, “The thing is, I don’ really know. Cause, see, I thought it was 3158 but apparently that’s wong so…”

Greg tilted his head, squinting at Jake like he’d somehow offended him; “Why’d you think it was 3158?”

“Well- cause, the las’ thin’ I remember was the night before, well, not the night before, but, my night before. An’ that was in 3158.”

“The last thing you remember?” Mary asked.

“Yeah, last night I fell asleep in my sisters bed at the hospital in District 20. It was 3158 March 17.”

Greg leaned fowards, tilting his head, “That was 11 years ago.”

“I know- I know that, but that’s what I remember, I was 13 then so I would be 24 now but I don’t feel 24. But I also don’t know what it means to feel like a 24 year old.”

Jake could feel himself getting louder as he spoke and closed his mouth with a click and a swallow. Pressing his lips into a thin line.

“Well you don’t look 24,” Mary began, writing something down, “but you also don’t look 13, have you looked at a mirror or anything yet?” Jake shook his head, watching her hand move over the tablet. “Would you like to look at the one behind you?”

Jake scrunched his brows, biting his lip as he looked up at her. “Do I have to?” He almost whispered.

She looked at him with something like pity, or maybe it was understanding? Her eyebrows shifted down and she had a sad look in her smile and eyes. So maybe it was pity.

“That’s ok, you probably wouldn’t be able to tell just by looking anyways. We can get a test done later to figure it out. So let me see if I’ve got this right, you went to bed in a hospital in District 20, age 13. Then you woke up today with no memory of the past 11 years.”

“Yes.”

“And where did you wake up?”

“In the forest.”

“Do you remember where in the forest?”

“Near a gate? It was an abandoned town.”

Greg and Mary shared an odd glance.

“What kind of town?” Greg asked.

“It jus’, was really weird I guess? There was this really big wall, an’ a thick steel gate. All the buildin;s inside were square n’ separated at an equal length from one another an’ they ‘ad bars on the windows. There was scorch marks n’ uh, I think splatters of blood in some places? I don’t actually know if that’s right though.”

Mary’s smile faded into a concerned frown before she quickly started to write something down.

“Do you know if there was any code or something on the wall?” Greg asked as Mary continued to write.

“Well,” Jake tried to think, recalling the image of the wall back.

“How’s he supposed to remember a code?” Mary asked indignantly, still not looking up from whatever she was doing.

Jake tuned out whatever Greg’s response was. He hadn’t really looked for a code on the wall in the moment so he couldn’t really just remember it as easily as he’d like. But he remembered the feeling of long soft grass under his feet, the cool concrete under his hand. The wall was grey and nature had started to grow wherever it could take hold. There had been something red near the entrance, peeling and somewhat chipped, a code: 5c001, that’s what it read, or at least used to say, if Jake had to guess.

“5c001.” Jake informed, accidentally interrupting Mary and Greg’s argument by the sound of it.

Both froze as he spoke, an odd look filling their eyes.

“What was that hun?” Mary tried to smile, but couldn’t disguise the wobble in her lips or the furrow ogthe brows or the tensed shoulders that showed obvious concern and almost fear

“5c001.” Jake reiterated, trying to squash the feeling that he’s done something wrong.

Greg snapped over his shoulder, making Wonbe straighten his back and come to stand next him, hands folded perfectly behind his back, posture perfectly rigid. Greg leveled him with a heavy glare before speaking; “And why were you near there?”

“I wasn’t.” Wonbe said, still speaking in a sleepy monotone voice even under the violent tones.

Greg lifted an eyebrow, “Realy?”

“Yes.”

“I oughta take yer games fer lying, cause I don’t know how else you found a kid near that place,” he spit the words like a vile garbage, without being ‘round there.”

Wonbe blinked at him.

“Maybe there’s a good explanation.” Mary tried. “Did you get close by accident?”

“I didn’t go near it.” Wonbe said again, “I found him in a tree throw, while I was running from the kidnappers. I didn’t even know where we were most of the time.”

“Kidnappers?” Mary asked, sounding horrified.

“Mh, that’s where I’ve been, I’ll tell you later though.”

“You’ll tell us at your debrief, because apparently, you refused to do one yet.” Greg ordered, pointing an accusing finger at Wonbe.

Jake furrowed his brow at the wording. That made it sound like Wonbe had refused to say anything, like he was actively fighting against doing a debrief. But Wonbe had just asked to stay with Jake, he’d been peaceful about it, hadn’t he?

Wonbe just lifted the corners of his mouth into a small, somewhat fake looking smile. “I’ll tell you at the debrief.” He agreed.

Jake glanced at Mary only to flinch back with a yelp as an aggressively bright light flashed in his eyes.

“Sorry,” Mary murmured, “jus’, gotta check real fast.

She flickers the flashlight between his eyes, making Jake want to snatch the thing from her hand and throw it across the room, but he inhaled, held it, and brought a hand up to shield his eyes instead. No sooner than he’d done that Mary lowered the weapon.

“Sorry bout that, I just had to look real fast. Did you see anything?” She turned to Greg with her question who leaned back in his chair, readjusting his crossed arms. “No.”

“Sorry, uh, what was’at fer?” Jake asked, hesitantly bringing his hand back down.

“We needed to check yer eyes,” Mary said, going back to her tablet.

“Why?” Jake furrowed his brows, glancing at Wonbe who gave him an apologetic smile.

“‘Make sure they weren’t weird,” Greg answered, wiggling his hand towards his own eyes.

“Why?”

“Don’t worry bout it.”

“The good news is we didn’t see anything,” Mary said, looking up again and giving Jake a small smile, “but we’re still goin to get a full check up for you just to be safe. There should be a doctor round here somewhere that should be able to give you a look over.”

“Does Dr. Jenson still work the night shifts here?” Wonbe asked.

Greg gave him a suspicious look; “She didn’t come into work today. Why d’you care if she’s workin tonight?”

“I jus-”

“Your schemin’ somethin’ again aren’t you?”

“No, I-”

“I was wondering why you came to this nest anyways, you hate it here, avoid it all together.”

“It just where we came in.”

“Oh really?”

“Anyways!” Mary interjected, looking tired, “Dr. Jenson isn’t here today but they’ve probably got someone to pick up her shift already. Let’s see here.” She fiddled with the tablet a moment before smiling, “Alright, I got us an appointment in room zero with a doctor.”

“Which doctor?” Wonbe asked, and it looke like Greg was about to comment again when Mary beat him to it;

“It didn’t say, just said room zero.”

Jake nodded . The sooner her could ge his ankle looked at the sooner he could move on to finding Zoey again. Once we get you checked up we can help you look fer your sister better.”

She stood up and both Jake and Wonbe made to follow her but Greg, who was still sitting made a noise of cancellation and snapped towards Wonbe.

“Where d’ya think yer goin?”

Wonbe shuffled from one foot to the other before tilting his head toward Jake and Mary.

“With them,” he answered.

“Mary can take him, your gonna stay here ‘n give me your report.”

Wonbe opened his mouth before closing it and glancing at Jake, who gave him a terrified look.

“It is just that I promised to stay by his side is all,” Wonbe seemed to settle on as a response.

Greg raised an eye brow at that, “Ok? Won’t be the first promise you broke.”

At this Mary stepped in again; “He’s very good with keepin promises Greg,” she faced Wonbe next, “Why did you promise him that?”

“He was panicking and I wanted to calm him down so I offered to stay by his side.”

Greg winkled his nose, “That was stupid, what if he decides t’kill ya or somethin?”

“I don’t thi-”

Greg cut him off with a wrong sound, “Not thinkin gets ya killed, you know that.”

Marry rolled her eyes, “Ok, enough. I agree it wasn’t smart to promise something like that. I don’t think you really thought about what it means to not leave someone’s side like this, but it was very nice of you. For now why don’t we just have Jake wait a moment while you give your report and then both of you can come along, we have a little time before the appointment.”

Jake glanced at Wonbe, guilt at being a burden like this churning through his stomach. Maybe he should let him back out of his word. It wouldn’t be the first time someone did that and honestly he’d half expected him to do it anyways. This way it wouldn’t be Wonbe’s decision and he wouldn’t have to feel guilty about it.

He opened his mouth to let them know that maybe, perhaps, it was ok if Wonbe didn’t wanna help him, but Mary had suddenly reached around him to help support his weight and ushered him into a corner, whispering a, ‘this’ll be just a sec, wait here.’ before she’d left to go sit back in her chair.

Jake leaned against the wall a moment before realizing the cool surface was reflective and jumped back like it had burned him, hissing at the sparkles of pain in his ankle. No one had seemed to notice so he slowly sat down with his back to the wall.

“Alrighty,” Mary sighed, picking up the discarded tablet once again only for Greg to snatch it from her hands.

“Nuh-uh, my ward, my report responsibilities.” He rumbled, poking at the tablet with unnecessary aggression, “Skippin the name, registration, level and clearance, let’s get right into your story huh?”

“Right,” Wonbe said, moving to stand in the middle of the table where Jake had been, perfect posture, arms folded behind his back, “my clearance was given to trade with a group for items requested by the technical business, uh, Bloom, I think. I was supposed to meet with said group to trade money for their technology. Upon meeting with said group however they conned me. They find rich people’s family or partners that they can then ransom. They thought I was a son of some rich family due to what I was buying and would not believe me when I said I wasn’t. Because there’s nothing to tie me to the Ant Hill they held on to me until they could find my family.”

“I wish they would have,” Greg grumbled, typing on the tablet with the same amount of aggression still.

“Greg!” Mary scolded.

Wonbe continued, “They tried to get information out of me and when that did not work they brought me everywhere with them, trying to find someone who would care enough to pay their ransom. A couple people tried but then they would get sick of me and tracked down the group to return me.”

Greg barked a clipped laugh at that but Mary gave him pitying eye.

“They didn’t know what they were throwing ‘round. You are so worth keeping.” She reached a hand across the table and towards him, he glanced down, almost disentangling his arm behind his back but straighten back up and continued.

“Yesterday I realized they had become comfortable with my presence and relaxed their watch on me so this morning I stole some of their stuff and ran for it. It did not take them long to realize I was gone however and they started a chase. I hid inside a tree throw which is where I found Jake. From there I calmed him down and helped get him to the closest entrance I could think of.”

Greg made an incoherent noise of dissatisfaction as he finished typing, finally looking up with a bored look, “So basically, you were dragged round the forest for ‘round two months?”

“Yes.” Wonbe answered.

“Oh,” Mary whined with a sad look and another reach at him; with a glance at Greg Wonbe untangled his arms to hold Mary’s hands, “are you ok? Did you eat enough? Did they take your medicine?”

“They fed me twice a day, scraps they didn’t want, but still enough to survive. At first they tried to sell my medicine, then they realized I actually needed it to stay in ‘ransom shape’ as they put it, they would give me my medicine when needed.”

“Least they were responsible,” Greg shrugged, setting down the tablet and pulling up the bag he had discarded earlier.

Shuffling around for a moment he finally seemed to find what he was looking for, giving a small hum of satisfaction and pulling out a small navy case. Wonbe’s eyes widened just slightly as he reached for it.

“Did you take care of my farm for me?” He asked, only for Greg to scoff.

“Why would I waste my time playin yer stupid game for you? I actually use my time responsibly.”

Wonbe didn’t seem to be listening as he opened the case and pulled out something similar to a handheld gaming system. At least if Jake had to guess, that’s what he would assume it was, if only going with the context clues.

Wonbe looked it over for a moment before apparently deciding everything was fine, placing it back in the bag and clipping it to his belt.

Greg rolled his eyes but went back to his bag, pulling out a small unlabeled medicine container; “I wasn’t sure how much you’d have left so…” he trailed off, clearing his throat and going back to his bag.

Wonbe took it without a word, throwing it in his thigh bag. “What about-“ he began.

“Yeah, yeah one sec.” Greg interrupted, lazily pushing himself out of his chair and meandering to the door. Leaning halfway out he swung the door shut to reveal a small clothed thing in his hand.

He meandered back to his seat, somewhat gently setting down the thing to pull back the cloth, revealing a small bird cage with a small blue bird in it. It woke up with the sudden light touching it’s eyes and started to chirp.

“She missed you,” Mary smiled, pushing the cage closer to Wonbe.

Wonbe hummed, unclassping the cage gate and letting the bird onto his outstretched finger.

“Alright,” Greg announced, shoving the tablet into his bag and slinging it over his shoulder as he stood, “Everything’s done so let’s get to the doctor.”

Jake swallowed, readying to try and stand with only his good ankle as Wonbe walked over to him, bird chirping from his shoulder. “Need help?” He offered, holding out his hand.

Jake waved it away with a polite smile, “I got this.” He murmured in concentration, slowly balancing his weight as he rose.

“That looks kinda bad,” Mary worried.

“It’s jus sprained, I’ve already wrapped it so it should be ok fer now. Thank you though.” Jake answered in what he hoped was a polite enough tone.

“Alright,” Mary shrugged in a tone Jake thought was an ‘I don’t believe you but if you insist’ tone. “We’ll see about it in a moment I suppose.”

Jake wasn’t sure how to respond to that so he just nodded and focused on trying to walk.

“Are you sure you do not wanna lean on me again?” Wonbe asked, leaning towards Jake as Mary walked away.

Jake looked at him a moment, then his ankle. Just until he could walk for himself, just until then he’d have to put up with touching people. He sighed, wordlessly slipping his arm over Wonbe’s shoulder and leaning into his support.

Greg was eyeing them oddly as they left the room but Jake couldn’t figure out what it meant so he looked away and to the bird that had crawled from Wonbe’s shoulder to Jake’s.

“That’s Dog,” Wonbe said quietly as they started to walk down dim hallways lit only by what seemed to be glowing moss. “Well, legally speaking, her government name is Ugeinia but I call her Dog.”

“Government name?” Jake asked, trying to match Wonbe’s volume.

“Yes, the government gave her to me as a, well, they claimed she is a service animal but we all know that is a lie, they do not even try to walk around it. So on her papers and what not her name is Ugeinia, I’m not supposed to rename her so if anyone asks it is Ugeinia.”

“Who?” The bird, Dog, squawked into Jake’s ear, also somehow being quiet. “Who? It squawked again.

“Uh, Jake,” he answered in somewhat bewilderment.

“I Dog!” Dog exclaimed happily.

“Is the talkin that mutation thing you were tellin me about?” Jake asked in awe.

“No actually, Dog is a budgie, the bread can be taught to talk, the blue thing is because of breeders.”

“Interestin.” Jake murmured, watching the bird bob its head up and down.

Room Zero was surprisingly close and even with his slow movements they made it in sooner rather than later. Greg didn’t give any fanfare before opening the door and motioning Jake to enter.

He did it without complaint as he saw a hospital bed to sit on just inside. He heaved a sigh of relief as he hopped onto the crinkly wax paper and the pressure on his ankle subsided.

“You must be Jake Lunes.”

Jake snapped his head to the corner the new voice had come from. He’d been in such a rush to sit down he’d forgotten to scan the room first.

A woman sat on a swivel chair just to his left, smiling kindly at him in that resigned and reserved doctor way.

“S-sorry,” he started to shuffle off the bed to stand until told to sit but she held up a hand.

“Your quite alright, please feel free to stay seated.”

Jake watched her a moment before shuffling back onto the bed.

“I’m going to be your doctor today, now,” the doctor flicked a small box, causing a projection of a file to flicker on, “Let’s see here Jake; age: unknown, place of origin: the enclosures-“ with this she gave Jake a look that he couldn’t decipher but felt ment ‘ooo how fascinating’, “issues: amnesia and bad looking ankle. Well, we have quite the interesting puzzle in front of us today don’t we? Let’s start with that ankle.”

She rolled towards Jake, reaching for his ankle with a ‘may I?’ to wich Jake nodded. She held it gently in cold, soft hands. Jake wondered if she could afford lotion, probably yes, as she was a doctor after all and doctors usually can afford at least a cheap lotion, Joys likes cucumber scented ones.

The doctor hummed and hawed for a second, asking if here or there hurt and complementing the wrapping of the compression wrap even though she took it off at the beginning and hadn’t seemed all too impressed then. Eventually she rolled to her desk and shuffled around a moment before pulling out a new wrapp and an alcohol wipe.

“Well,” she began as she wiped the dirt and grime from the forest away, gently going over the cuts and scrapes, “it is certainly not the healthiest ankle I’ve seen,” she chuckled at her own joke;

“ It’s not too bad, just a bad sprain if I had to guess, do you mind holding this?” She handed Jake the compression wrap, pulling a rectangular block the size of a pen from her breast pocket. She pressed a switch before flicking it like opening a fan but instead a pink square of light lit up like the holograms.

Instead of displaying anything she held the translucent square to his ankle and Jake leaned in as it instantly showed his foot's skeletal structure tinged in pink.

He wanted to ask how it worked, if every doctor was given one or if they had to be trained. Does it have other features? Can it take photos and if so can it send that to different devices and if so what type of file?

He held his tongue instead. He didn’t want to aggravate her and cause her to decide to quit halfway through.

“Yup,” she clicked her tongue, “Nothing looks too bad, though, you’ve definitely overused it, I was told you brought him here,” she gave Wonbe a cold pointed stare, “Did you not even try to help him at all?”

“I- uh,” Wonbe, pushed himself off the wall he’d been leaning on, tilting his head, “Sorry.”

“He did what he could,” Mary defended.

The nurse hmp’ed before turning back to Jake and like a switch she was back to her kind attitude.

“Sorry about him sweetheart, he’s not very good at helping if it doesn’t help him.” Jake furrowed his brows at that but held his tongue. “I’m going to give you this wrap so watch how I do it so you can do it later, ok?”

Jake nodded, his last attempt must have been very poor.

“You see how I did it?” She asked in a honey sweet voice like trying to lure a child’s attention. Jake nodded again. “Alrighty then,” she unclipped the metal holding the wrap together, letting the whole thing unravel. “Why don’t you show me how it’s done?”

Jake leaned down, repeating the simple motions, careful to keep it tight but not too much, just like she had. He smiled at his attempt that was clearly better than last times, nodding to himself in satisfaction.

“Good job!” The nurse cooed, “Wow, you picked that up quick!”

Jake looked at her reprehensibly, she was treating him like a child right? He wasn’t imagining it? Maybe it was her tone, though he was still a child so that would make sense.

Of course even as a child, which he still was, he hadn’t been talked to like this. He was probably just overreacting.

“Thnk you,” he murmured, it was the polite thing to say when complimented.

The doctor smiled, “Of course! Now,” she rolled back to her desk, typing something into her hologram thing, “We’re gonna run a routine checkup followed by some tests. Ready?”

The checkup went smoothly, or that’s what Jake would like to think at least. If anything was out of place the doctor didn’t make a comment on it. She kept talking to him like a small child and it was more and more aggravating each time but he held back his remarks and responded in kind to her compliments.

She checked for Stardust and flashed a light in his eyes and hummed and hummed until she finally clapped her hands together.

“Okay!” She rolled back to her desk, “You are a very odd boy! Do you know that?”

“What?” Jake asked. He’d been called odd many times but never in a medical setting, did that change the meaning?

“The scarring on your right hand there,” she pointed at the starburst scars starting on his knuckles, “they seem newer. I’d say maybe a year old? That’s your dominant hand too. Kinda looks like you punched glass but that's not something a sane person usually does.” She laughed, “Though you haven’t proven to be completely sane yet.”

Jake pressed his lips into a thing line.

“Then theres the fact that your so tiny!” The doctor continued. “You said your 13 and height wise you could pass for a tall one but everything else about you seems older. Maybe 17? I’ll send some test recommendations to wherever you end up for that. My theory is malnutrition in the past.”

Jake furrowed his brow but again she continued over his dismay.

“Then there's this,” She rolled herself across the floor and into Jake's face. He leaned back but she only reached forwards to poke his right temple. There was an odd ting noise instead of the sensation of her finger. “I almost didn’t notice it causes of all your hair but you got a metal plate here.”

Jake could feel you drag her finger behind his ear but it felt odd and somewhat cold. “We know it’s not a tracker, well, at least not one in use cause it would’ve been picked up when you first entered. So what is it? “

Jake held still to stop himself from leaning out of her reach and waited for her to scoot back and roll to her desk. She finally did when Greg started talking.

“A metal plate in his head?” he asked.

“Looks like it,” The doctor hummed, “eyes are normal so it’s not part of a prosthetic, ears seem fine too. If I had to gues I would think it’s a new type of collar.”

“Why would they change the design when the last one works just fine?” Mary asked, coming to stand near Jake, “Can I?” she asked, gesturing towards the supposed metal plate. He nodded.

“I don’t know, maybe because we’ve found easy ways to turn off the normal ones. Speaking of,” She swirled towards Wonbe but Greg stepped into her view, arms cross in what seemed anger.

“That makes absolutely no sense, we’ve seen the newer collar designs and they’re not like that.”

The doctor shrugged, ��I was just asked to do an initial check up for any immediate injuries and dangers. I did that, if you want to look into his other non-pressing ‘issues’ I’d suggest getting him placed somewhere so I can send my findings to his designated doctors and you can do more from there.”

She smiled, standing up and opening the door, “On that note, I have another appointment soon so it was lovely to meet you Jake.” She smiled sweetly, tossing a lollipop to him, “And it was nice to see you two again, Greg and Mary.” with that she shut the door.

“What now?” Mary asked.

“First we get out of this room,” Greg demand, already going for the door.

“To where?” Mary asked, offering Jake a hand to wich he politely refused again.

“I don’t know, a meeting room? Here, room 25 is open.”he threw the door open and started walking, “Lets go!”

Jake quickly jumped off the bed and started hobbling after him. Mary was quietly worrying behind him, he could feel it on the back of his head. Wonbe had fallen in step next to him, offering his shoulder again and Jake frowned, furrowed his brows but slipped into his support with a thank you. The walk was quite, even Dog didn’t make a noise.

Room 25 was just like the room he was in before room zero. Wonbe pulled out the chair for Jake before sitting on the table itself next to him.

“While you where gettin looked over we looked into your sister.” Mary smiled

“Wha’d’ya find?” Jake asked excitedly.

“Not much,” Greg leaned back in his chair.

Jake frowned. “What?”

Mary leaned forward, “We found the usual stuff. Her records from birth and school. We found her hospital admissions forms but then, nothing.”

“Nothin?” Jake leaned in, grabbing the edges of the table for support.

Mary sighed, “I’m sorry Jake there’s nothing else to go off of. We treid looking for a death certificate. Just in case, she might not be dead!” She hastened to add at Jake’s distraught face.

“But we didn’t find one anyways,” Greg tacked on. “In fact, her files just stop altogether right round the time you dissapeared.”

“What d’y’mean?” Jake questioned.

“You said you remeber yesterday being March 17th, 3158 ,” Jake nodded to mary’s statement, “A missings person report was put out for you a week later.”

Chapter 1 / Chapter 4 / Chapter 6

⭐️Missing? Damn. Do missing peope have to pay taxes upon being found? I'd image no since they probably weren't making much money while missing. I wanna come through and edit this at some point but we'll see when I get the time.🌙

#oc #original character #original story #dystopian #dystopian story #creative writing #oc story #chapter 5 #lore #oc lore #character lore

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