#and the last time that happened well. It was very bad lol
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more and more I’ve been wanting to go by they/them but I don’t want to give cis people the wrong idea that I’m not actually a man because I know they would not fucking behave
#It was such a fight to get people to call me he/him that I’m scared to switch again#but like eugh. I’ve really not been liking it lately#like I don’t consider he/him misgendering but it’s just like a strategic allowance. Like it’s fine but not my preferred way to be addressed#I feel like I went super hardcore into being a binary trans person and now that I’m a few years deep into transition#I’m finding a lot of things about being a man not compelling or interesting at all#it was a refuge from cishood but now that I’m secured away from it I don’t find masculinity all that interesting#I don’t experience the trans euphoria I hear people talk about it’s more like the absence of despair#which is not the same thing#+ also going by they/them professionally would just be outting myself publicly on a daily basis#and the last time that happened well. It was very bad lol
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boy in silly sitting positions compilation
#cats#I especially like the last one where he just has one single paw poking out of that box for some reason lol#I still have costumes to post and like a billion other things.... grr... constantly failing at staying active on social media aughh#I think because currently my Main Focus is on trying to get my game done and stuff.. which basically just means sitting and writing all day#so there's not much to post about. Though I know the Good At Social Media thing to do would be to post about the#writing and share progress and talk about the game and characters or whatever to try to build interest or something but that is SOOO weird#to me.. I could maybe get it if it was like a tiny tiny discord groupchat of playtesters with like 5 people in#it.. But something about talking openly about things before they happen is weird to me?? Like presumptuous feeling or something#''oooo guess whats gonna happen LATER!!!'' like.. how do you know.. what if it doesnt. what if you dont finish it. what if its not the way#you think it's going to be. what if something changes. etc. Like I literally avoid movie trailers and game trailers for the same reason ghj#Even if it's not ME doing it it just feels... weird.. Maybe it has to do with my OCD and how I just don't like talking about ''future''#things in Certain Terms. Like if I was going to say ''Oh yeah sure. come over to my house in a few months''. I would have to follow it up#with like ''HOPEFULLY you can come over to my house in a few months'' or 'They'll come over in a few months MOST LIKELY''. Because just#stating that something will happen matter of factly takes for granted like.. what if somehting horrible happens and I DONT have a house#in a few months? or what if something bad happens to me. or to the person coming over? I can't ever DEFINITELY say with 100% certainty#that one could ACTUALLY come to my house in a few months. anything could change. So I have to allot for that in my phrasing. hbjjkn#There are a lot of situations where you're expected to just Assume Things but for some reason that bothers me. My brain literally does not#even Assume the most basic things.. like how do *I* know that just because it's someones birthday that they want to be wished a happy#birthday? what if they dont? everyone is different and has different preferences. I should check with them first. or wait until they public#ly announce that theyre accepting birthday wishes. I have to allot for all 5034859069 rare possibilities at any given time and never take#anything for certain. etc. ghjbjhbh.... ANYWAY.. I have been feeling a bit sick lately as usual.. but still slowly making progress on some#things. Moslty I need to edit costume photos. make sculptures. and work on the game. Going back reading some of the old writing from like#2018 and suprisingly I don't have to change that much of it? In fact I like it mostly. so that's good. I would be very interested if I were#playing the game myself. Though that doesnt mean much since my tastes are so niche lol..#Still really want to clear some of my million tumblr drafts as well... alas and aughh and ooughh and so on and so forth. Between all of my#evil appointments other such things...why cant I have one billion dollar to retire into relaxed hermit artist life of no stressors.. bleas
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hrgh every time I think I've come close to forgiving lance fucking parkin I skim the gallifrey chronicles. and then I remember the Horrors.
#listen bc when I read through and play around with AHistory I'm inclined to enjoy and respect his work as a curatative fan historian#but his actual prose writing#it. it beggars belief it truly does it's just atrocious#megan whines into the empty abyss of cyberspace#everyone in the EDA discord who thinks father time is the worst of it oh boy babes the worst is absolutely yet to come#like I get *why* they gave him the last book of the line because he does (mostly) know his lore extremely well#so it kind of makes sense that he'd be picked to wrap up all the myriad loose ends#and also he's well liked and afaik pretty personable unlike some fuckers I could name and didn't spend years burning bridges#but oh my god oh my god literally everything to do with Fitz and Trix is just. awful. terrible.#guy who absolutely does not understand or respect any of the three of that team TARDIS but especially Fitz#also The Thing With Sam#never happened fuck you lance#also given just how many asspats he gives himself over his command of the lore he fucking got Sam's middle name wrong?!#also it's soooo obvious how much he loves Anji because she's a Capitalist GirlbossTM#he really does not grasp her character development or personal arcs but he thinks he's killing it#like she *is* a Capitalist GirlbossTM but that's not all she is but he's not actually interested in her interiority at all#he just enjoys that she's a fiscal conservative#god the fact that trading futures is the literal very next book after Anachrophobia#one of the best books in the series that explicitly calls out Anji's pro-capitalism stance using time-war-for-profit played for utter horro#immediately followed by...almost the exact same premise but Zany RompTM#it's not that capitalists misusing time travel for profit is inherently bad it's just *these guys* who suck#no lesson is learned! then you fucking get to the fucking gallifrey chronicles and Fitz actually deciding that this very same scheme#'wasn't perhaps unethical' just because it's Trix and Anji doing it#like yeah sure Anji and Trix can have a little insider trading. as a treat. but that is literally the definition of unethical lol#the only reason time traveling to acquire stock tips isn't massively illegal is because it's not fucking real like??#of-fucking-course it's unethical you walnut#parkin you smug annoying self-obsessed lore-obsessed pregnancy-obsessed just barely-plausibly deniably not homophobic asshole#I'm avoiding even bringing up the actual beef with TGC because first of all everyone fucking knows but also it's just.#it's such a goddamn shit awful trainwreck#if parkin wasn't a Fitz-hating homophobic coward he would've ended the gallifrey chronicles the same way he ended the dying days. wink.
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this time last year i was probably sitting in the kitchen while my dad started making an early dinner of chicken bolognese trying not to get too nervous about the concert i'd be going to in a few hours
#the nyc concert was last year. LAST YEAR .#thats so insane like yeah that feels like a year ago but good god the insane amount of stuff that has happened since#but god i remember that day so well#it was cloudy and a little rainy in the morning which made me ough thinking it was a bad omen and wouldnt be as fun#and i remember going to library and printing out my silly letters (i should have just. not done that lol)#and on the DAY OF on the way back home from the library#i even bought a cropped black blazer specifically for my concert outfit. havent worn it since lmao#and my dad and i even watched a movie at lunch#a short movie but a movie nonetheless. lol and even then i was like oghh my gosh excitement and nervousness#and then the car service getting there i felt so fancy and as the drive started the clouds were magically dissipating#so that it was a nice clear evening when i got to the theatre#and then all the insanity of the show. god i cant believe it still after all this time. wowie#going to listen to a playlist of the show setlist im gonna get emotional now. guys........#one of my fave memories is how everyone started standing up as they went into so may we start so i was like ok are we all doing this#and stood up too and then stood for the entire rest of the concert. i think the first 3-5 rows were like that for the whole show#surreal and insane i was front row. those guys were REAL and CLOSE#i was also very excited to notice russells new shoes :) when i wasnt like awooga (how i was 99% of the time)#there was one so may we start jump that was well. yeah. front row baby#i think after latte i was like ok i cant film i gotta just vibe#religious experience doing the 'ah ah ah's during that. really interesting#ok im not gonna go through the whole show again but wowie one of my most insane nights. second only to hollywood bowl#wow what a fun year it was. just so many incredible moments#ok yay 💖 happy one year to all that. love those guys so much#spars#ok not actually done beaver o lindy was INSANE LIVE!!! AS WAS EVERYTHING ELSE. so fun ok now done for real
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#it went!!! idk lately my pain treshhold has been so low bc im in pain all the time#so i just dont wnna be in pain anymore... he said that now it'll still hurt for a few days T-T#but he wasnt exactly sure what it was but i had.. a cavity??#im not rlly sure abt the english terms for all of this but the tooth is dying lol#but instead of immediately killing it nd getting a root fill he said that we should give the tooth a chance#so he fixed what he could fix#i hate dentist treatments bc of all the air nd water nd my anxiety i need to swallow constantly#but this time i actually told them abt it nd he was very helpful sksks#he even said 'ok now take a break nd swallow' so i didnt need to be so anxious#nd it was a relief bc he wasnt bad at all. he was actually rlly nice nd easy to talk to phewww#it cost abt $80 so i can manage to be without that until next week!!!!#so yeah it went much better than i had anticipated so im happy abt that#but yeah the problem still isnt 100% fixed yet so im still not relieved#he said i had a cavity in my other tooth as well but that we needed to check that at another time#im so frustrated bc i brush my teeth 2/day i use mouthwash i floss....#and for the last 7 months i havent even had any sugar!!!!! like why did this still happen.. o.o#oh nd he also said that i probably clench my teeth nd yeah i do that a lot more than i've realized#your teeth arent supposed to be touching!! never!! only when u eat#my teeth.... are touching pretty much all day omg. bc im so tense nd anxious#he said that he couldnt be sure bc he didnt have enough info to go on but that could have contributed to this#well well... i did it nd went even if i didnt want to#hopefully my tooth will be better now. nd i have another appt in may to see what i could get done further#if financial aid for it gets approved tho it might not#but yeah.. god dental pain nd issues is my no. 1 fear bc im poor nd i cant afford it
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Going through the Utahim.e tag had me checking several times if at some point I had clicked on the G.ojo/Utahim.e one instead
#It's mainly the ship and mainly ship art. Very pretty btw. There's people with gorgeous styles there#There isn't even a lot of x reader fics haha I guess people don't want to bang Utahime?#Anyway... lowkey wished this happened with Ijichi lol#I so wanted Ijichi to mention or even hint at a mention of Gojo one last time like they did with Nanami#If nothing else for the weight of it all. The weight of feeling your youth dying piece by piece alongside the people who made it out#And everything it implies#Art of Shoko dealing with Gojo's death even in a cold way always strikes hard for that motive but I always love it#with pretty much everyone of those years. There was one piece I saw once that was not explicitly or necessarily romantic about Utahime#being hit by Gojo's death and I don't recall exactly how it was (I think I may have queued it?)#but it moved me more than any piece more clearly emotional that I had seen before#I don't know. I thought it held the potential of that. That weird uncomfortable heartbreaking feeling#of hearing bad news about old friends or classmates and how it makes you realise the weight of time#They suffered and accident. They tried to kill themselves. They are very sick. Their sibling or parent died. And you knew these people#You saw them daily for years. Maybe you weren't close but you knew these people. They cut my bangs when I was eight and I punched them#I tripped over them playing hide and seek and we both lost at the same time. We both hated each other's favourite teacher#They borrowed my pen once and then never gave it back. I once drenched them at the fountain after PE and it was winter but they laughed#Their mother got mad though. Now she's dead. We were made to sit together in French class in middle school. They loved to keep their hair l#Now they're sick and have lost their hair#Their little sibling was so annoying always trying to make us play with them during recess too. It was kinda cute. Now they're dead#I don't know. That kind of stuff#Utahime boosts Gojo and then he dies. Shoko opens him up to make a tool of his body#Ijichi accompanies another kid to clean after him in the meanwhile. And then the realisation hits. He is dead#He was annoying. He was my friend. He was so rude#He had such a sweet tooth. He laughed so loudly. He used to lean over people when talking with them#We were kids once. We are here now. He isn't here anymore. Some of us haven't been here anymore for a long while. It's been so long#He was still young. I am still young. We felt so old. At times it feels as if the time back then didn't happen at all.#And now he's dead and oh it's true he was so annoying but he also had such a sweet tooth. I forgot. What do I do with this memory now?#At times it felt as if the time back then didn't happen at all but then at times it shone through. He brought it back#He asked me a favour knowing I wouldn't betray his secret. He still teased the same way. He still leaned on people. But now he's dead#I don't know if I'm explaining myself well xD I think it's a pretty common emotion when it happens.Oh I forgot to censore words again sorry
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i dont wanna be a dick and act like i have no responsibility in this but after a point dont u think if all you ever say to ur friend is Omg you never make it out why dont you ever come out with us you bail all the time youre such a flake etc. dont u think that person (me) is like. not gonna feel so inclined to. be there
#like. yeah i was bad last semester i get it. and probably i shouldve tried at least once or twice to push thru#but i was so exhausted. and every time they would bring up hanging out it was on my longest days#and when i casually brought this up they were just like Well we have long days too. Okay!#and i love and miss these friends and i know for the most part. or at least think. theyre just teasing#i hate being seen as the flake like any time i do have to be like Oh i cant make that or Shit im sorry i have to bail#i try to offer an alternative???? and they never compromise on that. how is that fair like im not just outright rejecting u all the time#not to mention most of the time last semester it was always gonna be somewhere super easy for them to get home and far from me#im not like constantly holding this against them btw but i feel like they're holding it against me and i dont have any more apologies in me#anyway. that said. if theyre somewhere really expensive and far from me tn and i get out of work early#i. probably will not make it. lol! if theyd be willing to come a little closer to my place to one of the dives or some shit thatd be great#and like im not doing much today until class and work so really like. i WILL try. but i think they could sometimes not go for the most#expensive and inconvenient option as well. and these r all things ill say if it becomes like a problem problem or smth#but rn im not gonna be a dickhead and shit on their plans#but also! ok whatever im not gonna keep going on i just feel shitty im not 100% better from being sick and im just frustrated#about having to fuckign grovel over and over and over. i meant it the first few times now im just like#u could try not to be an asshole to me for five seconds too. like. i am very clearly not someone trying to secretly stop being friends#w yall. things happen#abby talks#and maybe this is an esp sore spot bc like ive certainly had some of you bail on me or be flaky or whatever before. and i didnt throw#a fucking fit to your face about it. probably bc it actually did feel more mean spirited sometimes#OK im sorry im not trying to make my friends sound evil and its mostly just the one and like im working on forgiving her for it cause it#was years ago but also like christ!
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I've never gone nonverbal this bad before so that's cool and great and fun :)
#i also dont go nonverbal very often#im not even sure i could verbalize when the last time it happened was#haha verbalize#and usually i can just talk anyway and just feel bad#but i cant right now#well maybe i could if i really tried#does the thought of talking ever make any of you feel a little sick#lol#it also makes me like typing more for aome reason?#odd
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(rant in the tags, might be triggering or something)
#not to be a bitch and rant on tumblr but WHERE ELSE this is my diary since 2011 etc.#soooo i've been very alone for the last two weeks because my fiance is in germany at work and i am at home also working#and oir flatmate is spending the last weeks before uni at home so i've been absolutely alone for weeks now#the only time i talk to people is at work and it's starting to have some weird effect on me because.... i miss work lol#because i miss talking to people and just some interaction.... i am generally a loner and i like spending time in my own company!!!!#but#..... thats just too long. i feel bad and alone and unhealthy. and above all sad.#and today i talked to my friend from work like yeah so it's saturday maybe wine in the late evening?? and she said maybe#and then after a few hours it was no soery i can't i am too tired which. VALID girl i understand#but i let myself hope that i won't be alone tonight and idk maybe have some fun some karaoke whatever#and then#well it won't happen#i feel horrible#i shouldn't but i do#i feel like i will start talking to the walls because i've been talking to myself for too long#also i have the massive urge to just get drunk alone but also like what's the point. of anything#personal#alcohol tw#depression tw#uhh
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I've been following that AITA blog for a bit now and it has me thinking about my own life situations with conflict and drama. A passive "do I have anything I could submit to that blog?" But upon thinking about it, it's like... I really find no value in asking strangers whether I'm "the asshole" in situations. There are situations where I'm clearly not at fault, situations where I was a little shit but it was justified, and at least one situation where I have a definite "Oh yeah, I was definitely the asshole there". All in the past, so it's not like I'd even need advice or anything. I already know, so what's the point?
Maybe it stems from me being a generally self-aware and self-confident kind of person. I know what's going on with myself, know when I've wronged people, & I have a mentality of "well, I'll try to not do that in the future." Even if I feel a little guilty thinking back, what's the point of asking after something when I know I'm at fault? Or situations where things were complicated and both people had fault in things, but I know I wasn't being shitty on purpose & that's what matters to me. Ultimately, it results in a bunch of strangers drawing conclusions about things I really don't care about outside input on.
Still love reading the blog tho. There's something about reading up on random people's life drama that satisfies that gossipmonger soul in me So well.
#speculation nation#i think the most blatantly YTA thing id get is when i ghosted that guy i was seeing back when i was 20 or so#wasnt ever actually dating but i made it sound like i would. very much led him on.#then realized i just wasnt into cishet guys At All and dropped him out of nowhere bc i was 20 and didnt know how to deal with feelings#objectively it was a pretty awful thing for me to do. and i feel bad that i did it.#have i ever tried to reach out and apologize tho? no lmao#it happened so long ago now i feel like itd bring more animosity than relief anyways.#id like to think ive learned from it tho. Dont Date People Just For The Hell Of It.#god it rly is my romantic history where im the biggest asshole. my prior girlfriend too#i do feel bad about that. i never meant to hurt her but that sure is what i did.#it was better to break it off when i did. wouldve been better had i did it earlier but oh well.#then as a teenager and my whole fucked up romance life then...#but NO LONGER!!!!!!!! hopefully lol. im rly into my current girlfriend and after my last one ive been dedicated to. not do that again.#cant date people just because im bored. that's never ended well for me.#i learned my lesson this time for SURE!!!!!#anyways yea id say more constently id be The Asshole in these situations. but im only human man it happens.#other situations it's usually just fucked up situations with me being a toxic little shit in response bc it's all i knew.#idk. community voting doesnt matter to me. learning from my prior mistakes and shortcomings is what matters to me.#it's interesting to see the blog tho. people are insecure about some of the most trivial things sometimes...
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life could be a dream!!! [throws myself into the sun]
#just me hi#IF I COULD. DO THIS THING#[SHADOO BA DOO BA. SHADOO BA DOO BA DAY]#//i need things done like yesterday so that means i refuse to actually read these paragraphs until i've scanned over them like 20 times#get the information -> realize it doesn't have very detailed step-by-step instructions with screenshots -> take a 5 minute break because#Anxiety Is Weird -> go back over the instructions Meticulously like 15 times -> attempt to integrate the info into Actual Actions -> it's#working!!! :DD -> let me just try to fix this thing that it didn't explain how to fix -> yea ctrl-Z that right there.... -> wait wrong tab#-> WRONG TAB. OH NNNAO -> another hour of trying to figure out what i fudged -> oh whatever. [goes to bed] -> next day. who care#who even care. yea? right.#/anyway that's how the website editing has been goin lol :)#i have no brainn ouhhhhhhhh#seriously i had 2 neocities tabs open cuz i just Do That but i got them mixed up so fvshfbvhajfbvhdbvjfhvjvr#man. these things happen tho ykno? yea#yeaa life goes on wouhh#also i haven't been able to work on literally anything else somebody help me hfvbhafjbvhafj#like i wanted to take a Break and i couldn't focus on anything else i just kept thinking about the fricken webbed site hfvafh#and also had a dream about it last night so like. it's bad Lllllol#//anyway getting back to it rn tho cuz. well. i'm physically incapable of doing anything else until i can get the closest thing to what i#want to exist. so ttooooodles :>>
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...
#ok. ok. in less than 8hrs i have to get up and drive to the airport. and thats ya kno but im trying to b ok abt it#like im not crying and hyperventilating. ive made the drive lots of times. its just. when i have to drive anywhere it morphs into#r u ready? ur gonna cause a horrible accident destroying multiple lives in the process. r u ready? and im like no i hate that stop#so that makes it hard. and im not a bad driver. it just terrifies me thst i space out and become non reactive. like thsts not good. be#reactive pls. i just hate it. and this means i also have to drive back as well. while probably horribly jet lagged#bleh. itll b fine. unless it isnt. but itll b fine. im just scared that something will happen and i wont b able to leave. i cant even b#excited abt going on vacation bc i cant think past the possibility of something preventing me from getting to ohio bc if i let myself get#excited then it wont happen. which is magical thinking nonsense but its how it feels. ugh. dont think abt it. itll be over in 24hrs 🤞#knock on wood. idk what im gonna do while traveling tho. what am i gonna think abt? what to draw? what to plan? idk#the bad part of traveling is thst i cant take all my markers 😫 me and my 500 shitty alcohol pens lol#ill either draw a lot bc im not working or very little bc ill actually be happy for a while#oh god. my boss just sent an email. i wanna ignore it. let me rest.#bleh. last time i flew home i wanted to cry when i landed lol. well see if that happens again#i feel like i was more depressed then but im more fucked up now. but like im also more functional. well. sorta#ugh. i should finish packing#unrelated#its so funny to me when i get homesick like lol bitch u wanna go back to ohio????
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jesus... Streetlight Manifesto's The Hands that Thieve is 10 years old this year... that's weird to think about. that was such a formative moment for me. i was a junior in high school and had been into Streetlight for years, but the release of this album was huge. i got a bunch of friends together and we drove down to rhode island (we live in new hampshire) to see them play live, and we sang all the words to every single song. that was the first real concert i had been to
i saw them live three times after that too, over the years. in college, i wore a streetlight manifesto shirt (actually toh kay, but that's beside the point) and another kid in the class commented on it, and we became friends. eventually we started dating and we're still together. that was 7 and a half years ago
#it was so formative that i just copied and pasted this and posted it on facebook. i havent really posted on facebook in years#but i know connor and liam might see it#i went to that first concert with those two and my girlfriend at the time and one of her friends#well... initially it was a girl i merely had a crush on and one of her friends. except the roles were reversed#between the time of buying the tickets and going to the concert... me and the friend of the girl i had a crush on started dating#she was my first significant other. it was weird then to go with her and her friend (who i initially invited because i had a crush on her)#did i explain that well enough? let's call them K and B. i asked out K and she said no lol. months pass#we all got into this new streetlight album pretty heavily. i suggested we go see them live. then B and i started dating#was it weird that K was still going then after that? idk lol. we havent kept in touch since high school. wonder where she is now#B and i had a pretty awful horrible breakup a year or two later for unrelated reasons. it was always a pretty bad relationship.#it is weird though that 2 of the 3 significant others that i've had have basically been because of streetlight manifesto lol#it's just that one was a bad relationship and the other is very strong and has lasted for 7 years. going on 8.#streetlight has kinda been the backdrop to a lot of things that happened in my life lol#and to think... somewhere in the between is just way better hahaha. hands that thieve is good but lets be honest here#personal#long post
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Had a very bad day Gotta eat gravel
#had to work a shift with only one other coworker and we were in this same position last weekend too and so like last time#he had this Moment where like as we locked up he was yelling very frustratedly about an annoying customer#which is fair but lol we dont know each other well enough for him to yell and rant like that to me like i get it but#god i hate yelling and just felt like shit and wanted to die#then tonight i was legitimately kinda scared cuz uh liiike. he had a lot more little Moments#i think like some kid dropped something and it broke and he had to clean it up and he got frustrated#and like. went in the back where the custom framing shit is and there was loud banging with a hammer and glass shattering#and he went back and did this multiple times and customers heard it too and were like uhhh 😰#i was already in a bad mood coming in and this really didnt help its honestly a miracle i didnt start having a meltdown#i guess ive just had to deal with so many man babies at home that all i can do is look at them like a disappointed parent and ask if they#would like me to take them to daycare#so yeah that was fun i uh dont like this guy hes always wearing very cutesy clothes and all i can think of is the bit where its like#‘there is nothing little about your things’#also i got money problems and keep getting fast food cuz i got eating problems and theres not much here i can eat and obviously#buying food so much wastes money so i was gonna try to make a sandwich today and like we dont have half the shit needed#and the bread was moldy obviously and theres so many bugs in the house cuz ive been too busy to clean and my sister was here#and the cat is here and my mom does everything wrong and then i spilled water everywhere and everything just went wrong#im also in a horrible place mentally doing so so bad so unbelievably stressed rn#just like. im repressing very bad and literally procrastinating having feelings like everything is going so wrong but i cant feel bad#because i dont have time for that so ill feel bad later when i escape which surely will happen someday ahahaha fuuuck#dont know whats real anymore maybe ive made everything up maybe the abuse is just me being dramatic maybe im the worst child in the world
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chat is it normal to feel completely desensitized to feeling constantly sick that when you’re actually sick you feel like it’s not enough to warrant it
#due to long covid or possibly weed usage or a mixture honestly still very unsure#i was incredibly nauseous pretty much constantly and would be sick daily for weeks at a time#that lasted like a year i still get flare ups of that if i over exert myself but it’s like basically fine now#but now i have disease that makes me nauseous and throw up and im like. okay 👍#this doesn’t feel like big enough of a problem#like those are my main symptoms but it feels like they’re meaningless bc ive had this just normally before#i haven’t been able to eat or even drink really without feeling or being sick#hoping i wont vomit again tonight almost every time ive eaten since yesterday i have and i had dinner like an hour ago#sorry so fucking tmi i feel really weird talking to anyone about this but i feel like i need to bc ??? fucked up idk#really fucking dehydrated also which is helping me not be sick but i think is giving me more of a headache#i have bad health ocd stuff also so i keep thinking im faking for various reasons anyways#i feel like thinking about this is going to make it reality even though i start thinking about it bc im feeling it#i keep trying to just make myself normal and not experience any of these symptoms bc i feel like i can control it (i cannot)#it’s only with nausea stuff bc it all surrounds emetophobia i know i can’t like stop a sore throat or something but this comes out of me#i could just not#sorry for talking way too in depth about my diseased body and mind#i had a super strong stomach as a kid like went 7 years or something without vomiting and then this shit started idk if the way i do it is#normal??? like this sounds so stupid but i feel like im subconsciously forcing it to happen bc idk how it’s supposed to be and it doesn’t#feel as bad as it should be#i think the fact it’s happening at all is bad but it feels like im being overdramatic#anyways yeah ive been feeling like shit lol i hate this stuff bc while i have the actual physical stuff i also start getting ten billion#mental problems about it as well#emetophobia#vent
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NEVER TRUST TV TROPES BTW TV TROPES IS A LYING FUCK.
#the page for echo claimed that the best you could hope for for any of the endings would be bittersweet at best#but like i just finished carl's route (the good ending at least) and yeah sure [!!! SPOILERS INCOMING !!!] he & chase don't end up together#but my god they might as well have fucked sloppy style & gotten married for how much happier it was compared to tj's ending LMAOOOO#LIKE????? IFYKYK LOL#also only semi-related but after finishing tj's route i looked it up to see if there was a general agreed-upon recommendation for which#order to play all the routes in and only then discovered that most people think you should play tj second to last (followed by flynn)#which at the time i thought would kinda ruin the experience of playing through the rest of the game since tj's route#has some pretty major spoilers for the game as a whole. but luckily (& idk if maybe this is just because i liked carl so much)#it didn't make me any less interested in what was happening. in fact i think it helped put some things into perspective overall#even though they weren't very relevant at all this time around.#but well. anyway. suffice to say this was a much needed palette cleanser after tj's route 😭#the only thing i can't decide is whether i should go for the bad endings for carl's route before moving on or not. i probably should...#..but i don't want to LOL. at least not yet#echo tag#echo spoilers#🎮 tag#send tweet
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