#and the energy to get invested. thats the hard part

[defiledtomb]

every single time my anxiety gets the better of me it's because I don't have a book to read. every time! I suddenly feel like life is too large and I can't possibly deal with it all it's not because it's true it's because I don't have my nose in a book every spare moment, searching for perspective. there are no character gloves. no lighthouse chapters. you feel me?

[autisticjoshrusso]

ok ok ok. a post about josh, buck, and maddie at dispatch as promised. (and because i dont feel like writing a whole separate post or repeating myself etc, if im pointing something out as evidence for my autistic josh headcanon, it'll be in parenthesis like this) also this is long because im going basically line by line in some places so just be prepared for that and such.

the first thing i wanna say before anything else is that like... as far as how this conversation fits into the larger narrative, i was fairly disappointed, due to the way that including this scene like this is kinda implying that the racism was fine because of being closeted etc. HOWEVER. luckily for my sanity it is pretty clear that from a character perspective, that's not at all what's being said by josh himself here, and we can be pretty certain that he is not aware of tommy's past behaviors. in fact he has almost no facts or context about the situation, which i'll get into later.

now that the disclaimer is out of the way, im gonna move onto character analysis and will not be touching on what i think the narrative might have meant etc. any further. like this is going to be purely talking about character dynamics and dissecting the dialogue etc.

we start out right away by skipping all the exposition right into a hard cut of maddie reacting to the news that tommy and abby were engaged. LOVE this set up we get right into the important part quickly and we as the audience only have to hear information that is new to us, not the information being repeated back to the character for whom the information is new.

and oh maddie. i love you so bad. she's like DAMN thats crazy, and then makes the obvious turning people gay joke. her energy here is sooo like it didn't make sense until looking at it in retrospect, but she's shocked and invested yet not taking it very seriously as a concern for buck, because well, she's having a baby and this is objectively not that serious comparatively <3 but i do love that she sees buck's reaction and quickly reins it in and is like woah im kidding im not actually being homophobic holy smokes. which. it kinda still is a little. but i think she's allowed <3

and then... josh enters the scene. he apparently only walked in as buck was saying "-kissed a boy" so of course he had to be like huh? gay shit? something gay? boys?? what's going on over here? and i love that for him. and i love that maddie immediately is like oh hi bestie i catch u up to speed on the tea <3 the maddiejosh bestieism is so back we never lose <3 and that fact that she's like. feeding in the facts in a way to dramatically amp up the tale i love it. she really said man the things my baby brother gets himself caught up in are wild.... anyway <3 true sibling behavior is finding the perfect balance between being supportive and being so so annoying <3

and she is supportive still. like when it becomes clear that there's something deeper going on here she does try to help him work through it. and its so interesting to me the way she is sort of seriously contemplating his words and is shocked when josh not only speaks up but is being very serious and equally focused on the problem at hand. it's like... she's trying so hard to figure out how to help her brother with something she doesn't fully understand that having someone else speak up to help them kind of shocks her and boy does that say something about their lives and the buckley sibling dynamic!

side note, the way josh is jokingly like "she didn't bring her personal life to work, unlike SOME people" and maddie's little look of mock offense?? they're so cute i cant handle it.

i also really love how the shots are framed during this conversation. at first, even when she's not talking and is just listening to josh talk, maddie is still in frame, we're still getting her reaction, she's an active participant in what's going on. and then there is the one shot where she's talking and josh is out of frame, hidden by buck, because whatever reaction he might be having isn't important, it's a buckley sibling moment. (he's not an active participant at that point; he's entirely observing and reacting and gathering information, not dictating the direction of the conversation whatsoever.)

it's only when josh gets very serious and it starts to turn into a heart to heart moment just between him and buck that maddie is allowed to leave the frame. it still goes back to her in very brief cuts when her reaction is relevant, but she steps back out of focus and let's josh handle the conversation. and i love that so much. thank GOD someone else is helping buck sort out his problems that isn't his parentified sister or just generally someone more marginalized than him. it was kind of getting irritating to watch, as much as i love buck so much. like dude... the emotional labor. watch it.

and man. this conversation guys. everything about it makes me an insane crazy person. ive already mentioned this in the tags of some other posts but like... its so fascinating because on the surface it is such a cohesive conversation, but when you really break it down and analyze both of their expressions and body language alongside what they're saying, you can start to see the cracks in it. what one of them is saying is not what the other one is hearing, in both directions. they are having two different conversations and i think it's critical to analyze both of those conversations and how they are interacting with each other. what josh says, what josh hears, what buck says, and what buck hears are four entirely separate things happening alongside each other.

the first part is josh trying to get a sense for how serious this relationship is to buck. when buck falters at the question of "do you love him?", he elaborates with follow-up questions that, to josh, define "love" or close enough to it. answering "yes" to those questions is close enough to a "yes" to the question of "do you love him?".

(which. ok. the particular choice of questions makes me insane because they do essentially boil down to "do you prefer this person to solitude and grant them an equal or greater importance to yourself?" which is sooo... it's said from the point of view of someone who greatly values their solitude and would not easily grant someone that level of importance.)

unfortunately, well, buck is NOT someone who greatly values his solitude, and puts other people before himself quite easily. buck would answer "yes" to those questions for basically anyone. josh does not know or understand this about buck and takes buck's answers at face value, while buck is taking this as sort of... it's hard to explain, and i think others have done a better job of capturing buck's perspective already tbh. he's convincing himself that he loves tommy here because josh is unknowingly handing him that information and expectation, and buck loves to mold himself to fit an expectation etc.

and then comes the second part, which... i think this is where it is most critical to realize that josh has none of the context about tommy, abby, and buck and those respective relationships. by his own admission, he didn't really know much about abby or about her breakup with tommy beyond the fact that it was upsetting. he didn't hear the way tommy talked about abby to buck at dinner, and he definitely didn't get to see any of the real fallout and damage to her psyche that tommy leaving her caused.

but buck did! im not inclined to rewatch s1 to get any exact quotes or anything but from what i remember, she either outright said or implied that she was so heartbroken because tommy left her because of her mother's illness. buck is understandably very upset because he understands exactly what she went through and how, unless abby was lying to not out him, he didn't exactly come clean with the breakup, and left her feeling like it was her fault, like there was something wrong with her or she was being weighed down by caring for her mother. he calls tommy's behavior exactly what it is: dishonest and cruel.

but josh doesn't know this. all he is hearing is a young, freshly out bisexual calling a gay man "dishonest and cruel" for having been engaged to a woman for his own protection. and he responds exactly how you'd expect! he reminds him of queer history and the fact that he doesn't really have a right to judge the people who grew up and had to survive in a world that was much less safe to come out in.

(and i said in my other post that's still doing numbers that "pre-Glee/post-Glee" is an actual queer discourse talking point and makes sense that it'd be used here, as awkward and cheesy as it seems, but it's also a win for my television/film/popular media/hollywood culture/etc. as a special interest headcanon. <3 we love to see it)

and it kills me because of course buck is just going to take this at face value and decide he needs to stop feeling the discomfort he's feeling, leading to the subsequent doubling down and over committing that is typical of his unhealthy relationship patterns.

(and then at the end of the speech josh has to literally announce that he's leaving DSJFHJKDSKJ. because walking away/ending conversations is so awkward and difficult and the easiest way to mitigate that is to lean into the Dramatic Homosexual Stereotype mask or whatever <3 i've long been of the opinion that josh is someone who uses the behaviors associated with queer men and queer masculinity as the blueprint for his neurotypical mask, which is why he often comes across as being just a little bit off from the Funny and Bitchy Gay vibes that it seems like he's going for. and boy did his exit from this scene just reinforce that headcanon so hard!)

they wrap the scene with a little bit more levity too which is kind of nice to like. move on from that. because it got kind of heavy there for a second.

overall i do like what this scene accomplished, but like i said at the start, i think it has some really unfortunate implications that weigh it down for me. still, always nice to get more josh content, especially when it's pretty consistent with his character as established AND not at all related to doing his job. we got to see him and maddie being goofy and maddie being allowed to let someone else deal with buck's problems for a second. and the whole thing was very well shot! excellent camera work going on throughout.

i don't actually know how to end this post so yknow. im gonna make a dramatic exit now or whatever <3

[system-of-a-feather]

This isn't about remissed states, but I'm hoping it's ok to ask a different question?

We're a system that naturally switches a lot. We don't track our switches very closely (it overwhelms us and can lead to rapid switching for some reason) but as far as we can tell, we typically switch several times a day.

What we find is that if any one of us tries to hold front for too long, we get more and more fatigued. Some of us seem to get tired from it faster than others, but in general, we have a really hard time holding front for longer than a couple of hours. Which can be disruptive at times.

I've heard the term "front tired" before, but I can't seem to find any information about it besides just seeing that other people have experienced it too. What I'm wondering if you'd know is how we could increase each of our "stamina" for holding front? Is it something that gets easier with practice, or system communication, or learning how to dissociate less?

I feel it depends on what is the source of the "front tired" / front fatigue (which is what we tend to / used to call it).

Usually for us, it would be typically due to one part being stretched too thin and doing too many functioning tasks that are outside of their current wheelhouse and/or life being too much for that one part to hold the front for a while. I think what tends to help in this case is not necessarily to focus on "extending stamina" as much as it is coordinating with other parts to make the switches less disruptive and/or create a rhythm where the fronting fatigue is avoided pre-emptively / relatively expected.

In regards to coordinating with other parts, it mostly means a soft division of labor, improving communication about what you are all doing that day and in life and just trying to keep people on the same page to know how things are done. It's easier said than done but this is a lot of communication work - but occasionally when you feel front fatigue, I'd recommend trying to internally check in and see if anyone is there and - rather than being forced in or out - try to do a brief comment in passing and try to lean into it. Fighting fronting fatigue is honestly really hard and in our experience, not worth it and its a lot easier to just lean into it and invest more into making sure the person who is swapping in knows whats up.

Additionally, if you can generally estimate how long a part can typically handle the front and figure out what "rhythm" your system has, you can kind of try to make a soft schedule that serves as kind of guidelines as to when you should try to give up the front and try to find another part so that you can take a break and properly coordinate somewhat on how things are going.

Example: Riku and XIV are main hosts however both tend to get fatigued and/or very symptomatic if they are out for too long periods; as a result when we are not sitting in a final fused state, they have a rule of thumb that they both should be out for at least an hour (ideally at least 3-4 hours) a day just to pace each other's energy. Overtime by getting good at leaning into switches before they were forced to switch, they got into the habit of being able to just routinely say "hey my turn, clock out" so that the other could take a break. And we honestly very literally do talk about it like shifts at work cause thats how we've grown to see working as a system. Not one part can do all things, hell not even most things, on their own - so we have shifts where we trust other parts to do Their Stuff and then shifts where we do Our Stuff. It works out a lot better to swim with the current of DID than trying to fight the disorder

Fronting fatigue in our experience tends to come as a physiological way of our brain telling us that a certain part is at their limit for the period of time and honestly, its important to respect the limits your brain / body is telling you as identifying your limits and respecting them is a huge part of healing. Then, as you heal, in my experience your "fronting stamina" tends to extend over time as things get less taxing and parts can tolerate more time at the front.

That would be my opinion / take in regards to a more long term solution.

In the short run and/or acute run, I find that it helps to lower a lot of potential stimulus and/or stressors that might be around. A lot of dissociative folk are accustomed to being in a very dulled and muted haze and / or just straight up not mentally being present so actually being even remotely engaged in the real present moment can be overwhelming and exhausting in a way that can be pretty subtle and hard to notice until it hits you.

So sometimes, if it is possible, reducing the amount of stimuli and things around you that puts a demand on your brain to process it (sounds, smell, social interaction, temperature, etc) can help sometimes in my experience. There are also more abstract things that can add to it or reduce it though, so honestly its good in the short run to check in with yourself and ask what is "too much" and what is taking the most of your mental energy at the moment.

Not all things can be adjusted though, and it's more coping with the short term than necessarily smoothing out the long run, but coping is always better than - well - not coping XD

Also sometimes I found that when you hit a "fronting fatigue" wall, sometimes just dropping what you have been doing and completely changing gears to something else (often opposite) can be a good way to reset shit, the only issue is - in my experience - that tends to require executive function that I don't usually have when I hit those walls XD But I have before just hit the wall and wanted to / needed to stay front for one reason or the next and I'd go from being online or doing homework to just get up and sit under a tree with my birds and draw for a bit. Shake things up a bit, but honestly, this is stupid hard to do when the fatigue hits so it might not be worth it either but, hey worth sharing.

But TLDR, yeah it gets better with time and with practice for the most part.

(PS: Honestly if anyone has any questions I'm honestly having a ball answering these cause its kind of astonishing how much cohesive our understanding of system dynamics are and how much of a larger picture we have of things as a whole, which like the Ray part of our brain is like "its really not anything special" cause that part of our brain is the Main Gatekeeper meanwhile the Riku part of our brain - who is a very very proud know-nothing himbo - is just radiating shook at how clear things are and its both funny and amazing)

[tadpoles-and-daydreams]

idk if i can be anon for this but i want a reading!! (if thats fine with u ofc) ermm my initials is M.W and idk can it just be a general reading? thank u!!

Hello! You can absolutely be anon, it's no issue.

I'm sure the more I do these it'll be clear I always say this, but it's never a lie; this was so fun to do! Thank you for the request. I hope this resonates, and please let me know if it does/doesn't and such! Even if just the form of an ask, I love hearing back from people. (however, there's no pressure! I understand that sometimes that can be a bit intimidating.)

"What do they need to know right now?"

Ten of Swords reversed: Victimhood, Restoration, Transformation. Letting go of what doesn't serve you anymore, this is a card of re-evaluation on all levels. Things are changing, and that's okay- people change. It's scary, you're probably having to learn to let go of things that maybe you valued a lot; but they're not who you are now, are they? This is a time of huge transformation, and growing up is hard, but sometimes it needs to happen. (Ironically, I listen to music during these readings, and Contractual by Chase Petra came on. I'm not claiming that if you give it a listen you'll relate to it, it's just a funny thing I noticed and I felt the need to say so since it's... comically relevant, in a way.)

The Empress upright: Goddess, Femininity, Mother Earth. Straight from the guidebook, "In short, go enjoy yourself!" In a time of major transformation in which you're letting go of old parts of yourself, or your life, it can feel like life or death- go take a break. You don't need to figure it all out in a day, you can take some time for yourself! You should, even. Do what nourishes your soul. This could also be a call to connect with more feminine energies, even your own femininity if you struggle with it- but to me this feels very strongly like a call to invest in yourself and take some down time.

Justice upright: Law, Objective, Fair. Take accountability, and hold others accountable. With the other cards in mind I would take this as looking objectively at the situation and not letting your emotions cloud your judgement. Be honest and fair. Lay all the facts out and look at things with logic. Since I wasn't quite sure how to interpret Justice within the overall reading, I asked for a clarification card and got- King of Wands upright: Natural Leader, Visionary, Entreppreneur. This sounds to me like it's a reminder to look at your passions, your goals, with an objective viewpoint. Keep going towards those things! But think about it clearly; can you continue towards what you want without letting certain things go, like the ten of swords is talking about? Maybe there's a bias in the way and the justice card is telling you to look at that. You have the skills to lead, and to make your way towards those goals, just make sure you're being logical in the way you pursue them. This could be a warning against letting those passions get the better of you and using underhanded means to pursue your goals, as well.

The Tower upright: Destruction, Abrupt Change, Lightning. I know, I know. It's a scary card to get. But, as a Loki devotee, I feel like this card is given a bad rep. With the other cards in this reading, I feel like this is about a change that's ultimately for the better. Sudden change, terrifying change, destroying the life you've built- but all so a better one can take shape. Things might feel out of control, and likely it's because they are- The Tower implies a change that rocks your whole world, cuts to the core of who you are and makes you re-evaluate who you are as a person. The guidebook uses the term "rude awakening," and I feel like that fits. It's not fun- but it's needed. Be gentle with yourself, because change is scary, and ultimately move forward with power. "With destruction comes creation."

Strength upright: Fierce, Endurance, Courage. This, undeniably, tells you that you CAN get through this. Maybe you feel otherwise- judging by the other cards, this change is probably not an easy one. But you are growing, and you can handle this change with courage and a strong presence that you may not know yourself to be capable of. Forgive me for adding my personal experiences in; but sometimes, you find the strength to deal with situations as those situations happen. Sometimes, the "world-ending" thing you've been afraid of happening is EXACTLY what causes you to grow and become a stronger person for it. Strength is a card that reminds you of self-control, inner power, and your ability to step into it. This reading is not an omen, it's not telling you your life is ending; it's telling you it's beginning. Listen to that.

Overall, big changes are coming- or maybe they've already happened. What I'm getting is a reminder to take control of what you can in this situation, steady yourself, and step into your power. Allow yourself to feel things, grieve the loss of whatever you're letting go of if need be- as The Empress implies, take time to yourself, whatever that looks like. Then move forward in life, because you can and you're going to prove it.

That being said, If you liked it and are financially able to tip, here's my Ko-Fi! If not, then no hard feelings, as this helps me show people what my readings look like! This one was about half the max size of a (basic, not in-depth) paid reading, so it's not the best example. Here's my Ko-Fi if you'd like to tip, or for anyone who wants to go check it out:

[catgirl-catboy]

choose violence 3 6 7 8 9 10 16 22 and 25 for total drama (and i’ve just realized that’s a lot a lot so obvi if u don’t wanna answer all of them that’s all good)

No worries! I'm happy to scream about Total Drama! Worst case scenario, I get tired and simply finish the rest later.

3.) screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

Shipping Raj x Wayne is somehow homophobic because Raj is in a canon gay relationship. Polyamory is a thing, and somehow I don't think homophobes would enjoy the idea of a fanon m/m ship somehow.

Honestly, any time people expect canon queer couples to be given special treatment in fandom it annoys the shit out of me. Someone will dislike the vibes of the ship. Its inevitable. Honestly, I'm surprised that someone wasn't me this time, since happy relationships like Rajbow aren't usually my jam.

6.) which ship fans are the most annoying?

Can I bash the shippers for my favorite TD ship (of Duncney) for a second?

Shut up about the love triangle. Shut up about Courtney's character derailment. Literally every ship was wronged by canon, we aren't fucking special. A vast majority of the ship tag shouldn't be bitching about canon.

7.) what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how how the fandom acts about them?

...honestly, thats a hard one. I feel like hate is a strong word, but I don't understand the hype for Noah. (and any Noah ship that isn't Nowen or Noah x Emma.)

Like, sure. He's sarcastic. So what. That makes him a 5/10 at best. He never does anything but be sarcastic and then be mindlessly in love.

I don't hate him though.

8.) common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

lean in. come closer, I don't want anyone else hearing this.

Dramarama is good. and funny. and I like it. Why is it despised?

9.) worst part of canon

The fart jokes are low hanging fruit, so I won't pick them.

I hate how everyone in gen 1 had to be coupled up. What relevance Izzy/Owen have on the season as a whole? Or Geoff/Bridgette? (I like them but point still stands.)

If you introduce a canon couple and get me invested in the romance, it has to actually go somewhere. Lyler was a plot device to get you to hate Heather. Duncney went through an entire arc. Gwent was amazing.

Why do no other ships bring that energy?

I love Samkota, but Sam was just a trophy husband for Dakota after her mutation. He's a passive participant in his own romance arc.

Gens 3 and 4 improve on this I think, but it still annoys me.

10.) worst part of fanon

this is incredibly petty and personal, but WHY IS CODY EVERYWHERE? He squicks me. So much. (honestly, the fact that he reminds me of a past experience when most creep characters don't proves that he feels like a real person. but no.) Why is half the fandom Cody. Can it not be?

16.) you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

I answered this before and I said Lesbian Emma. Now, I'm going to go with Gwortney. These two could barely sell and interesting friendship, and somehow you expect them to carry an entire romance plotline? Its the most bland of bland ships. If you want a Sapphic way to resolve the despised love triangle, Gweather is right there. They actually have chemistry.

It feels like they took all of Duncan's hard work of getting Courtney to relax and enjoy life, and made Gwen have the same effect on her when it doesn't make sense with the characterization. If anything, Courtney making Gwen be more serious makes sense.

(that being said, I'm glad you are having fun, and will reblog cute art.)

22.) your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

The episode recaps. I want Chris to recap my day. I love them.

25.) common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

Other than the love triangle?

Heather's plot armor.

Owen had just as much, if not more plot armor. He makes the group sleep in the woods? Fuck it, Katie and Sadie get lost.

Single-handedly blows the cooking challenge? Uh... (Total Drama writers thinking up Bullshit) Beth and the Statue pisses everyone off more, somehow!

He betrays the guys alliance? This has no concequences for him.

At least Heather's plot armor didn't cause her to win a season.

[scourgefrontiers]

sometimes i watch ppl like snapcube and wonder if streaming video games would be a fun thing for me to do but at this point im not sure if i have the time or mental energy for it lol. sometimes i think about what id do if i didnt do art commissions yknow? as much as i love doing it, i sometimes wonder if theres better options for me that earn steadier income while still pertaining to my interests/being something that doesnt make me wanna kms while/after i do it LOL

but at the same time im in a little too deep into the art commissions scene to just, do something else. yknow? ive invested too much time and energy into what i do it feels like id be wasting all of that if i jumped ship and did something else. plus im wayyy too passionate about art to do something else at this point lol. thats why its been hard for me to get a "normie" job, or at least part of the reason

but ya. id have to wait for my new laptop to stream video games if i ever wanted to do that anyway

[cypress-punk]

There are many reasons I find it hard to invest my time and energy into TTRPGs anymore. Chief among them is the fact I have much more limited time and energy these days and no longer have any chance of meeting in person with the people I like to play with regularly enough to make face to face games possible and often even scheduling online games is a nightmare that is difficult to sustain long term.

The other thing that killed it for me is the culture of TTRPGs online. On one hand you have the DND suffocated monoculture that is TTRPGs in most quarters where ad nauseum conversations about DND occur that make me feel like I'm going insane as people regurgitate the very specific things that only get said about dnd. Some of this is actually just passing down useful advice. Much more of it drek, pure noise without signal or meaning. In either case the repetition makes it untenable to me at this point.

The other hand is the part of the space that is not DND and is full of people who nonetheless talk a lot about DND and how much they don't like it. And while they are almost always right to say these things it does dishearten me that they basically say the same things again and again in cycles and those things are always about DND. I can only read so many posts about the inherent racism of DND or the myriad gaping flaws in its design before they just begin to repeat themselves and its stuff I've already seen and already know and already understand. Repetitive, and worse, focused solely on DND. The monoculture consumes the whole space no matter where in the space you try to be. It feels stifling and stagnant. There isn't really much talk of other systems besides an occasional designer highlighting their new game. Everything is muffled and obscured by the shadow DND casts. It annoys the shit out of me and further kills my joy for the medium.

There was a time when I was younger where I wasn't involved in these spaces very much at all, I just read a lot of TTRPGs and played them with my friends and that was nice. That was i. Highschool and college and as already mentioned I no longer have time to make playing regularly possible and i spend my time and money on other things so I dont read new games as often. So I've lost the connection to actual practice and experience that I enjoyed and have mostly replaced it with the social media space noise around the hobby and that is really killing any joy for the medium. I think I need to unplug from the social media side of things and just hear less about TTRPGs for my own sake since its a hobby I'm kind of already retreating from in favor of other hobbies that I actually have time for.

Its just hard to come to terms with that when I really loved and spent a lot of time in these spaces playing these games or at least reading and appreciating them as works of art and design. I love TTRPGs a lot, I just don't have the time for them i want to have and the kind of community engagement I can find on the social media sites I still use isn't the sort thats doing that love any favors. Its also just hard to come to that conclusion when "constant consumption" is the mode social media is built to program you for so the idea of just not hearing about a thing constantly and engaging with it constantly is alien to how you're trained to use these sites.

Also please don't read this and try to argue with me about what I've said. This is mostly a rambling attempt to put my thoughts somewhere other than my head and make sense of a personal problem I'm having with the medium.

[gogoutori]

Life update ramble mostly to get my thoughts together.

I don’t think most people in my life genuinely know how sick I am... Its making me end up second guessing myself/self-gaslighting like “maybe I’m not that sick..?” or I’m somehow being over dramatic. But I’ve had several actually disabled people reassure me that I’m not crazy and this is pretty normal for ppl with chronic pain. I have head pain literally every day at some level now but I’m at max amount of meds I can take outside of starting botox as well which I really don’t want to do with my nerves already so screwy. At this point I’ve just normalized it and work around it. I’m really tired though. Thats the thing I think most people don’t get is just how much this shit takes out of you. I did not understand it. I had an educated guess being around my sister but I was not prepared to be put on my ass so much and not be able to just charge through to do things I used to anymore. It sucks and I’m trying to work through understanding it and giving myself grace. But I’m very harsh on myself by nature, so its not the easiest thing to do. On top of people not understanding the depth of how out of it I am, I feel kinda shit for how flaky I’ve been, but at the same time I need to remind myself that I’m literally not doing anything wrong. My health has to come first even if it makes others feel inconvenienced. My people pleasing side hates this lol

But I’m trying to get better at it. I didn’t officially make any New Years resolutions this year, but I’ve started to shrink my world inward since Jan and focus more on my own physical and mental health. Shutting off the news and purposely trying to focus on mostly positive things. Cutting out negativity has helped a bit cause stress is a big migraine trigger. (any heightened emotion can be, but stress and anger are easiest to tip into starting a headache that leads to a migraine) Simplifying my life to focus on happier things has been good ot my mental health too. I had a lowkey intervention with some ppl helping me realize I was far too focused on other people and their problems rather than investing in myself in a healthy way. I haven’t taken on a therapist again yet, but my last one pointed out that I have a very unkind attitude toward myself and will be far more willing to help others first before seeking help for myself, which when paired with my passive nature, I end up getting taken advantage of even if I don’t see it as that. I know this, but confronting it is awkward. Being selfish to me is buying myself nice things, now it means saying no if I don’t have energy to do something or letting myself rest. 

I’ve been trying to figure out new boundaries as well. I have to get better at voicing them though. Saying no is hard and I feel like I need to justify it with a reason instead of it just being an answer. I can’t be sure my decline in health is tied to my lack of selfcare in the mental department but I’m sure it wasn’t helping. 

Either way, I am on to trying to be healthier for myself this year. There are a lot of good things I’m trying! I’m investing a lot in trying to get my art stuff up and going again. I’m throwing my hat into new cons around the east coast and haven’t been flat out rejected from any yet, which is pretty uplifting seeing as my portfolio is more sparse than I want it to be. I met a lot of awesome new artists at toracon and I’m hoping to see some more artist friends if I make it into any other cons this year. I’m unapologetically into liking what I like rn. (trying not to think about what ppl think about my over tweeting art for what I like etc) I opened a DBA for my sister and I to do more collab stuff and help her take on bigger projects without it messing up her ssi. We have been brainstorming lots of fun ideas and are looking to turn part of the basement into studio space we can work out of. I’m sketching lots of new ideas for apparel designs and I will hopefully get my webcomic and store going by the summer. 

A lot of the good things in the works also hinge on how my physical health is, and I’m hoping to keep that looking better as well. ;w; Once we have more stable weather it should help. I lost about 10-15lbs from sleeping through meals or being too nauseous to eat, but once we have warmer weather I want to do a morning walk and eat something more regularly. I think a more stable schedule will help out too. It just gets thrown out of whack when you have to stay in bed cause moving makes your head throb. ;w; 

Writing all this down is cathartic for me in a way. like typing a little plan or update to myself. Even seeing post memories come up from past years like “I have a bad headache” reminds me I’ve been dealing with this longer than even I think I have been and I’m not crazy.  This whole thing is discombobulated, but its a snapshot in my life for now. 

Reminding myself to rest, that I’m not crazy, that good things are to come~

[manifesting-mari]

Morning Pages 2/7/2023

Joe fromt he dispensary yesterday gave such great advice. If you want something, you just need to out the work in. thats true. It takes time. Im very impatient. Its like im already living in the fantasy, my mind is before my body and its activating ym nervous system. I can feel it and i like this feeling. Its wild. Its kinda making me horny. Is that what existential kink is talkoing about? I also realized i like being scared. It makes me horny. I like being uncomfortable and pushign myself and keeping myself in anxiety and chaos. Cjhaos makes me horny. Fuck im so horny rn. How can i send this energy down to my root. Let me spread this energy around my body and see who need sit. The muscles in my shoulders. I can feel myself sending the energy down to my sit bones and it bouncing up to my shoulders. What if i drop my evergy all the way down to my pelvic bone?

Rather than squeezing up i need to be pushing down, feeling the resistance of the 3d world to understand it better. Integrate myself with the 3d world. Im feeling hungry and craving. Theres a bit of the sacral in the reply tot he impulse of hunger. I want something that is tasty. That’ll hit a craving. Ohh i can make fried zucchini and pan fried rice. Im gonna take a break and do that now. I will take care of myself. I will mother myself. And then i will pleasure myself. And then i will come back and tell you what happened. 

Break

I dont value hard work. What do i value?

Ok i’m back! Lol so i made that little note. What do i value. I dont value hard work. Like, i like that my hard work is valued, but i dont personally value it. Like i see where in my programming it is valued. I see the parts of me that are screaming “if youre not sacrificing yourself then youre not worth paying” i dont enjoy having that a part of my life. But it is. So what would EK suggest. It would suggest that i indeed DO value hard work and that i enjoy the sadomasochism of suffering through a job in order to earn my money. I would much rather enjoy investing my time in my work that also helps me learn and grow into the next thing. 

I can feel the ways i tyr to make myself small becaus eid ont want responsibility i dont want to step into my power because im afraid ill get it wrong. And david’s advice for me has always been to just get it wrong. I am impatient. So i need to come up with smaller goals so i can more easily track myself and i need to document everything so i can track my progress and be in the present. My brain is hurting. Idk if its the food or the weed but i think i need to lay down or meditate for a bit. Another break

Break

Wow, what a nap, lol. I just got off the phone with Jordan and I’m grateful to be reminded of the wonderfully deep and spiritual convcersations we have. Oi admire their dedication to their growth just as my own. 

What really is coming up for me, and even after SChuyler’s meditation, is the over compensation of my gut and my sacral. I need more stabalization in my root. I need to feel like i’m taken care of. Maybe i’m having a hard time because i am avoiding fixing myself. I am avoiding healing these parts of myself that feel broken because i like being broken. I enjoy that narrative. I  like being loved but feeling like i dont deserve it. This si my disorganized attachment. I want you to be attracted to me and want me but i dont feel liek i deserve to be wanted or i dont feel that anyone should like it. Its like i get into these relationships with people to prove myself right and then also prove myself well, still right. It proves that someone thinks i’m attracteive and it gives me this validation. But then when i deny their presence, live, and care, then i prove myself right that i dont deserve love. Its fucked tbh lol. I like being this broken work in progress that is still loved even thorough the has loves and her hair is fucked up and she may be a little greasya nd sticky at the same time. 

Theres definitely a lot of root work to do. I wanna get that book “waking down” it sounds so interesting. I do feel like ive been living in my braina nd in my crown and fantasy and i wanna brign all that power down to my root too so i can support stronger growth. 

I really do like the person that i ma. I liek every part of me that makes me me. I am starting to realize that all these parts of me are valid. All these parts deserve to be here.a nd all the parts can work together. I like who i ma. I’m exciting im sexy, im honest, well, as honest as i can be. I am a liar. I am a truth teller. I am broken and i am healing. I am  expanding and getting deeper and deeper and deeper. I am a masterpiece and a work in progress. I am a timeless song that has different covers by different artists. I come in so manyu different versions and styles but the core of me is good. The core of me is loving. The core of me is the divine. 

I am starting to trust myself. Today i trust myself more than other days. I am thirsty. Im looking forward to working at the dispensary and having money to invest in healthy, yunmmy foods. I think i need some kind of structure around my food to remind myself of the goals ive been setting. I feel light headed right now and maybe that means i need water. Im gonna get some now. Brb. 

Ok, well i gotta get some water on the way home from hanging with Jordan. I’m sure i can put $10 of gas in my car and then but two more poland spring big waters.

This money insecurity is not cute. I think its just my general insecurity manifesting. I feel liek it all revolves around my job. I’d like a secure job that i know will provide me with a regular stream of income. 

I keep getting distracted. Idky. right now im thinking about kyds and looking for their next event. I really wanna connect with them. I aim to out my power where it is most productive and beneficial for the greatest good of all. I want to be able to bring the book to kyds and be like, i feel like i need to show you guys this and i want to be able to work with you to keep this book going. Its a meditation that means a lot from me and a book written nd created by people who mean a lot to me. 

I dont really know what my body is craving besides water. I think i’ll make those fried rice things for the crab meat. That seems liek a yummy dinner. I have about a half a page left. Im def gonna post this all messy liek this.

I was reading back on my old gratitude journal. I havent written in it in a long time. I always get high and then forget. I wont forget today, i’ll write in ti today. There are lots of things for me to be grateful for, i have so much anger stored in my body and i look forward to releasing it. 

Lets see,w hat else should i type about. Maybe i should reach out to diane about a mushroom ceremony? Ir maybe i should look into schuyler’s services? Or maybe i should just take the time to really turn inwards and see whats happening. I can identify whats happening lots of times but then i need support for processing all my nfeelings around it. A lot fo the feelings are grief for not having the opposite of what happened, and angr for what happened. I dont liek the word opposite, lets just say a more loving and positive outcome. So thewres still grief and angrer, and then shame of the things i did or the way i reacted to what happened. i am committed to creating more space for myself and take the time to decide what i want to do

I am really working to check in with myself and make sure im giving myself love, care, and compassion. I think im getting good at that. Today in the meditation schuyler was talking about a bigger Ma. a bigger mother than our mother who feels us a who got us. A bigger power that has us. I am grateful to feel whisps of that power. Thats inside me and inside everything. I am integrating the truth that i am cared for and loved. That everything is working out for the greatest good and my needs  are being met. 

I am still struggling with my sens eof safety and security. I still feel scared to tell people my truth and scared to be my fullest self. When i point out that fear it feels funny, and it feels like it had less power when its out in the light. It really is this shadow part fo ourselves, this shadow part of me that is working in the background. I think its time to clean out the apps in my psychological library and end the things that are still running in the background and expending my energy. I really do love me.

[exols-silver-christmas]

Well. The bit about answering tags is something I get, like a lot of times imo tags or comments especially like the example you used they don't leave room for expansion. There really nowhere else to go without, like you said, fishing for further compliments. But this example you've provided is just another symptom of people not really conversing with each other.

And like...yeah our exo fanbase is aging and adulting is brutal and draining and horrible, and starting and maintaining new conversations is frankly daunting, and no one is ever gonna have the time to keep up with every single other person in our fandom on a personal level. This makes it super easy to leave comments like the example or to even just.....consume with out reblogging; which is a reason I've seen given as to why reblog culture is down. People are tired and they don't want to waste more energy. Including myself. I work...so much. Anywhere from 45 to 60 hour weeks depending on the season and it was and still is super easy to fall into the post and ghost habit. The culture on here....was and is severely disheartening as a fan creator. But something I try to remind myself of....is...if we don't change there's not gonna be anything to enjoy anymore.

Like you said, no one wants to invest hours of work into something for it to be basically ignored. And people aren't. With everyone moving on from the website or to other more interactive fandoms....eventually there will be no one. And thats a potential problem.

Not just because we won't have fandom content to enjoy in between source content. But because clearly, the companies? They're paying attention. Not just sm either and I doubt hybe is the only other one keeping an eye on both exos activities and the fandom. The Tumblr portion of exol is most likely part of thier analytics whether we like it or not. If Junmyeon is aware of the website there's no reason to assume it's an isolated knowledge. Granted, we probably aren't a large portion of those numbers when platforms like Instagram and Twitter are more globally oriented, but it's something to consider when we have a hard enough time getting sm to let exo out of thier basement to make an album.

Anyway this is starting to delve into extreme tangential territory. So let me move on.

I see your point about transitional blogs...a lot of time the dash is where people get thier content rather than trolling the tags, especially since the nude bots are prolific right now. However I'm personally leery of relying solely on networks for this purpose. Networks in my experience either start out exclusionary or become exclusionary. Whether that is in terms of content shared, or making people jump through figurative hoops in order to join limited membership spots, it may start off with good intentions but....I'm not sure it's a long term solution if that makes sense. Although I acknowledge, personal feelings aside, it may be a good jumping off place to start getting people more involved.

Maybe even just a...directory of sorts would be helpful do you think? A list of active blogs, whether fandom creators or just people who reblog things. Maybe include what they post or make? That could work to help people find mutuals at least. And it would help alleviate reliance on nothing but networks for post distribution.

One of my main concerns with having singular bias or constellations of members networks is it feels like it would deepen the bias divides even further. Already we have many creator blogs that only create for one or maybe even two of the exos at most.

Though, I have to say I like the second example you gave a lot more, simply cause at its heart....that's just good reblog culture at work.

Now as for the link...I checked it out and it's similar in nature to the fic bingo idea I borrowed from the Harry potter fandom. A set prompt with required elements but the rest open to interpretation. I could easily set something up like this....maybe for a monthly basis versus weekly simply because good fan content does take time. And maybe have a weekly theme for smaller scale works?

If anyone else has thoughts feel free to chime in or send it to someone you think might have something to say, this is open to the floor for ideas and what have you.

So I can't be the only one who's noticed the decline in fanmade exo content here on Tumblr. We've gone from a fandom who's new posts could be measured in hours to a fandom who's posts have days....to weeks....to months....to even years for some specific tags.

We have had 6 solo album comebacks this year, 3 fancon tours, 2 solo concert tours, a myriad of festival concert appearances, youtube videos, magazine shoots, instalives, etc. Yet if you go to the exo tag it's mainly populated by archive blogs. And the nude bots, which....that's a whole other problem on its own. I digress. My point being, the tags, at least from what I've seen (I admit I haven't looked into the shipping tags) are being filled by the same handful of blogs yet given the high amount of source material, no one seems to be doing anything with it beyond archiving it.

Again this could just be because I didn't delve too deep or too far back, but it does have me wondering if part of the reason participation this year was down was simply because there's hardly anyone left.

There's been instances in the past where others have attempted to inject new life into the fandom so to speak, with....varying...level of success. The exo revival project being the first and most successful that comes to mind. I'm wondering what everyone else's thoughts are on the matter and if holding new fandom events might be a way to involve more people year round because I really do want to continue holding this event next year but if things keep going the way they have been there won't be anyone signing up.

Let me know what you think, ideas you might have, reblog this and tag your mutuals to get them involved in the discussion. I have a few ideas that I've pilfered from other fandoms, watch alongs. Fic bingo. Theres valentines exchanges. Fandom sleepovers. Heck I'd set up a Tumblr based scavenger hunt if I thought people would play. Like....we dont have to be monoliths in a placid sea of we don't want to. Fandom can be fun. It should be fun.

[stansuperm]

I'm thinking about deleting this blog bc I am not really sure if I will come back here and I hate to see that I'm not active anymore.....but I also don't want to delete it bc the amount of people following this account here makes me feel guilty for even thinking about it lol

[purecantarella]

Playing Her Game

this month may just be the end of me HAHAHAHAAH but doesnt yuna just radiate bratty energy? maybe thats why i like her so much :"") anyway, i hope you all enjoy this one!! shin yuna x reader disclaimer/s : smut. i suggest going to read some fluffier or angstier content

Ryujin and Lia giggle among themselves as the noise from the party fades behind them, entering the kitchen to get a drink only to see you pulling a full bottle of gin from your lips with a scowl on your face. "Uhh, hey, Y/n. You alright?"

You laugh dryly at the question before taking another swig of the alcohol. The couple follows your line of sight, seeing Yuna very obviously flirting with another part-goer. Ryujin throws her head back laughing before snatching the bottle from your hand. You snarl lowly before the rapper takes a sip.

"Drinking your woes alone here isn't going to solve anything." Lia points out before tugging the almost depleted bottle from her girlfriend's hands and placing it on the counter. "She's doing it to get a rise out of me."

As the man runs his hand over her jacket and brushes back back her blonde hair, you grit your teeth together. Lia ooh's and the rapper snickers out, "Looks like it's working."

You ignore them and continue to glare at the pair from across the room. The pair walk off, forgetting their drinks, much more invested in how Yuna's game would play out.

The guy she was flirting with excused himself, walking towards the kitchen where you stood. You glare at him as he browses the alcohol behind you. "Damn that girl is hot..." He whispers under his breath. You growl and in a flash his collar was in your hand as you stare him blank in the eyes.

He struggles against you only for him to shrivel under your gaze like a terrified dog. You grit your teeth as you whisper, "You're going to do as I say, yes?" You ask only for him to nod helplessly. "Good. You're going to walk out of this party, and if you so much as try to look to my girlfriend again, I will break your nose. Got it?"

Once he nods, you release his shirt from your grip and walk over to Yuna who stood with the other girls wearing a proud smirk on her face. Ryujin and Yeji offer you a slow clap as you approach them. "Subtly handled, N/n."

You ignore their remarks and you face off with your girlfriend. She only smiles up at you before closing her eyes, taking her purse from Lia's side, shoving it against your chest. Walking towards the exit, you wave to her members.

You two walk in silence, a wide distance between the both of you as you fume silently while Yuna smiles to herself. Proud as she slips into she slips into the car, only to be shocked when you tug her into your lap. Her back pressing uncomfortably into the wheel.

"You little slut, Shin Yuna." You snarl as you push her jacket off her shoulders, exposing her tight tubed dress. The fabric began to run up her thighs as she straddled you. Defiantly, she wraps her arms around your neck. "You were incredibly hot back there." She pouts before leaning in her lips ghosting yours, "Too bad you didn't get into an actual fight with that guy."

You grip her cheeks roughly, pulling her close enough that you could smell her strawberry lipstick. You sneer at her extreme self confidence, "You would have liked that wouldn't you, princess?" Your other hand falls to her ass, coming down on the flesh hard.

Yuna whimpers as her eyes screw shut, her lips parting. "But even if you did sleep with that limp-dick bastard." You force her to look at you again, her eyes hooded and her lips upturning. "You would have come back to me. Because I know no one can make you cum the way I can."

Another slap across her ass, then another, and another, she has tears in her eyes. You soothe the sore skin as you coo softly. "Aw, did my princess not like that?"

Yuna smiles through her tears, forcing her chin out of your grip and roughly pressing her lips to yours. Moaning as you return the kiss, your tongue pushing its way into her mouth, your free hand gripping her cheek.

You bite down on her lip, dragging it back as you pull away. Her cries echo through the small space of your car. Your hand weaves its way through her blonde hair, tugging on the locks sharply to expose her pure and delicate neck. Yuna moans softly as your hot lips trail down her neck, right up to where the tube of her dress gripped onto her skin.

You whisper against her skin as you continued to leave wet, sloppy kisses, "Seems my princess has forgotten who she belongs to..." You raise your head back up to her lips, pressing a light and teasing kiss over them. Your hand lets go of her hair, slipping down to the top of her dress, she bites her lip sensually. Eyes dark as she nods.

Pulling the tube down and smirking seeing a skimpy white bra, really practically see through. "Baby like?" She asks in a small voice before you look up to see her smiling down at you coyly. You nod quickly before sucking the exposed skin gently, ears perking up when you hear her whining softly. "Love, princess. I fucking love it."

Impatiently, she reaches behind her and unhooks her bra. You chuckle, appalled by her actions but before you can scold her, you look at her puffed out chest. Mesmerized by her gorgeous body, again you lean down and suckle on her nipple.

You hum against her mounds, nipping and licking, smiling when you hear her desperate cries. "Yeeees, Y/n yes! Please...you make me feel so good, baby."

You nod against her before pulling away. You pull the lever on your driver's chair, reclining the seat before you switch positions suddenly. She gasps as she falls on her back with you suddenly on your knees before her. Yuna smirks, and caresses the back of your head lovingly.

"Is this what you want, princess?" You ask as your slip her panties off slowly, a thread of her wetness connecting her to the fabric. You coo again as she chants soft 'yeses' under her panting. "I turned you on this much, Yuna? Huh?" You bite down on her skin.

"I want an answer, princess." You stress making her groan frustrated. "Yes. I want you. Just give it to me!" Yuna whines before you shake your head, proud smile on your lips as you lick her dripping center teasingly. Barely grazing where she needed you the most.

"That's not how you ask, Yuna." You raise your hand, nails scraping down her chest, stomach, right above her pussy, a stream of curses falling from her lips. The red streaks marking her as yours. "Please baby, give it to me. I'll be your good girl. Pleeeeease let me cum."

You smile before blowing a puff of air onto her hot cunt, the muskiness of her pussy becoming even more apparent. Making you practically drool with excitement. You push your tongue into her heat, her body completely straightening as she moans uncontrollably. Her body jutting against your awaiting mouth and fingers.

The car shakes violently as Yuna moves desperately to find her high. And it didn't take long for her center to clench around you and for her to submit to the pleasure wracking her body. Her mouth forms an 'o' as a wave of ecstasy slams against her.

She pants and rubs the back of your head lovingly, smiling blissfully. Her mind satisfied with her little game. "You're amazing, N/n..." Before Yuna can offer to take you, a sharp cry breaks from her as you hum against her center, tongue still hard at work, sucking and licking her center madly.

"Y/n, baby oh, too much...Fuck, too much, baby..." Yuna moans, her voice tiny and shrill as your tongue continues to lap up her center. Her hand grabs the back of the headrest of the seat and rutting up the chair. You smirk against her cunt, pulling her hips down.

You look up as your tongue continues to circle in her dripping hole, thrusting in and out of her as she squirming, throat raw from screaming and moaning.

Unplugging your tongue from her for a moment, you rest your cheek on her warm, smooth thigh with a sarcastic smile on your face. Her face contorting from extreme amounts of pleasure shooting through her.

"I'm playing your game, princess." You pause, your finger flicking her sensitive clit. Yuna screams and scratches the seat in attempts to ground herself. Your eyes lock when you add, "But I'm going to win."

You dive into her pussy again and she howls, the night ending with her knocked out in your arms. She's dazed as you whisper how good she was, only looking up at you with a smile when you whisper, "I do love my good girl."

Yuna leans up lazily, pecking your bruised lips, "I love you too, N/n."

shower number 1 of the day because just thinking of a disobedient yuna makes me very, very uneasy. im not gonna go into details on that :"") HAHAHAHA i hope you all enjoyed and i will see you all vv soon!! bye lovelies!! - r

[hibiscxs]

Lbh Henry Cavill will be fine career-wise. He’s a big name and very popular across a lot of demographics

As someone who just spent the last month bingeing almost everything he’s ever been in, I’ll say this: most of his projects haven’t been great. I personally think he can be a great actor when the writing is there and its something he can really enjoy (ie. geralt and sherlock).

Idk who he is as a person. He seems really nice and down-to-earth in interviews and the like. His costars seem to have nothing but good to say about him. But I remember the MeToo stuff from way before i ever started following him, which i also remember his apologizing about in a way that seemed genuine to me when i read up about it also before i was a fan. And you never know about celebrities. They could just have really good PR.

Re: the witcher and some stuff from a podcast (???) thats going around. I dont buy it. Not because im convinced hes some angel, but you would think we would have heard about this by now. You’d think we’d see some tension between him and the other actors, but we don’t. All we see is tension between him and his boss, which is understandable considering he quit. Also re:quitting. It seems pretty obvious he quit bc he didnt like the direction the show was heading in. And that’s fair. But it’s also fair to assume that being “back” as Superman made him more comfortable with leaving the witcher in terms of consistent employment. Seeing now that there was no formal agreement in place, I can’t help but see it as unwise on his part, which I’ve realized kind of lines up when you look at his projects as a whole. He seems to put too much faith in others having the same mindset as him, which I don’t say as a compliment.

But man, what the hell was WB thinking. The DCEU hasnt exactly been doing well lately. Most of the attraction wasnt the movies themselves, but the stars like Cavill, Gadot, Momoa, Robbie, even Affleck. Trying for another “hard reboot” just seems like such a bad choice when what the DCEU has been lacking is any type of consistency that fans can rely on.

And no matter who the actor, or how good of a person they are or how popular or how employed, it’s unbelievably shitty to encourage one of them to reprise a role thats been in limbo for years and to have him announce it to his fans to promote their franchise and then drop him not even 2 months later.

The hardest hit, of course, is not really to henry cavill (who, again, will be fine and very employable), but to fans. As an actor, he is so refreshing because he was clearly so passionate about his roles as geralt and superman. He knew his stuff, he wanted to do those roles justice, and that’s why it was so easy for fans to love geralt or clark. To know that someone involved will put the effort into making sure “yes, this is the story i know and love, being brought to life in a new medium”, but to see the show drop in quality in season 2 and then that actor leaves, but then hes back in another big role that you know he is equally invested in, only for this? God, the disrespect to these people who invest time and energy and money in hopes that they get a good piece of media for them to enjoy.

[1111jenx]

Hi! Can we get some tea on scorpio mars women? 🔥😉

Scorpio Mars Women⚡️

for more posts like this check out my masterlist yall

Scorpio mars women is too hot to handle and i think that pretty sums everything up LOL.

They truly exude sensuality and most of the time has a very unique sex appeal to them😆 Everytime I see this placement in someone's chart I just started to look at them in awe, like they're pretty rare when you think about it💀 So when I do meet one I just want to lock them up and make them fill out a questionnaire for me haha

I'm just joking but seriously this is no surprise, their natural sexuality can be very annoying sometimes. they can be doing something so casually yet it would come off as very provocative or as if they're trying to much to be hot. they're really not and thats the thing! in addition, i notice that since scorpio rules cruelty too, a lot of scorpio mars women can be seem as the classical femme fatale character haha, they can seem harsh and cold despite not wanting to come off that way. and when they're younger most likely will realize how men treat them differently and acknowledge how the patriarchal reality we live in is extremely problematic. they resent this dynamic though and would develop a no-nonsense attitude as they grow older!

for this part i would like to tell you guys to take this very seriously, but if you have scorpio mars in general please use protections😀 like A LOT of scorpio mars people i know have contracted some kind of STD or some kind of issues down there, while theres not anything wrong with it as most of the time they simply need to stay more alert and careful, but somehow they have such a bad time with it?? as in i think since scorpio also rules over a bunch of stuff like your sex organs, diseases, kidneys, ulcers, the womb and syphilis according to the book of rulership💀(i promise im not making this up guys).

i would also like to add that a lot of scorpio mars are very protective of their bodies because they recognize this too!! the women in particular haven HORRENDOUS period cramps:( I would advise scorpio mars women to get tested often and pay extra attention to their health because of this!! especially during pregnancy🥳

now that we got over that, lets not forget that they're also very curious people, a lot of ambitions and passion too🖤 their energy is as domineering as capricorn mars in a way but theres this fluid water energy being added too! i think while they're very resentful people, they can also have this amazing forgiving nature too (surprise haha)! water mars are still very understanding and soft in a way that cause them to put up a tougher front to deal with the public, yet i'm convinced that water mars are wayyyyyy more forgiving than earth mars or air mars 🤣

scorpio mars women imo can have amazing executive abilities and a natural eye for finding details and the minor flaws while examining the whole picture. they make fantastic researchers and once they're determined on something, this is when their fixed energy is activated and they would literally pour their heart and soul out on something they're invested in.

this goes the same way for people. scorpio mars have a hard time letting people in and a harder time letting people go. they're naturally nostalgic and traditional in a way like most fixed placements yet they buried this so deep people think they didn't even care 😌

they're super attentive in the bed room LMAOOO lowkey pleasers though i'm not sure what's all that rant about them being 50 shades and stuff😭but scorpio mars have this naive energy to them too thats so distinct and in the bedroom while they're very flirty and sweet they also can get so lustful and shy sometimes haha

soooo thats about it with scorpio mars women for today haha🥰 lemme know what you guys wanna add to this!! i still cant use the chat for some reason but would love to see what you guys have to say<3

love,

saint jenx🪐

[swaps55]

Hey! You seem like you understand quite a bit of science and Mass Effect stuff, so I want to ask what extra properties other altering mass would eezo need to have in order to do some of the crazier stuff like teleporting and phasing. Maybe even just to make a bit more interesting it would be cool if you could also theorize on what else eezo would have to in order for biotics to do some elemental stuff like solar energy or electrical manipulation, if thats okay. Would you mind theorizing about this? Thanks either way!

Sorry it's taken me a while to get to your question, anon!!! I love getting questions like this - I just need to have time to sit down and answer them properly. So if you have sent me a question like this, and I haven't answered it, I have it! I haven't forgotten it!

Part of the issue is understanding what element zero is and how it works. This is what we get from the codex:

When subjected to an electrical current, the rare material dubbed element zero, or "eezo", emits a dark energy field that raises or lowers the mass of all objects within it.

So, in essence, eezo is the mechanism the Mass Effect universe uses to break physics and allow the mass of an object to be altered (thus violating the The Law of Conservation of Mass, which states that mass can be neither created nor destroyed).

Teleporting and phasing is along the lines of what the mass relay does. Lowering mass to zero means traveling faster than light, because you don't need infinite amounts of energy without mass. Therefore, the mass relays essentially transport ships through a mass-free corridor of space (granted the codex says "virtually" mass free, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯).

Now, a relay can do this - but what about a person? Well, keep in mind how big the relays are. The arms are fifteen kilometers long. You can see it in the cutscenes that a massive field needs to be created to transport a ship, and blowing one up can take out an entire system.

Therefore, I think it's safe to assume a titanic amount of energy is required for this kind of near-instantaneous teleportation, which means humans are limited not by the properties of eezo, but by biology.

Biotics work off of the electrical currents they can generate with their own body, and amps and implants are needed in order to give it enough juice to have practical applications like throwing objects around. But even if you could stick a piece of technology inside a person that could create enough electricity to reduce something's matter to zero and teleport it somewhere else, you not only have to conduct all that energy through a person, but also manage all that waste heat. Think the Normandy's stealth drive. When the stealth mode is active, the ship is masking its waste heat to avoid detection. But that capacity is finite. When it hits saturation, you have to vent it, or else everyone inside the hull fries.

Now, teleporting a person a short distance probably requires a lot less energy than slingshotting a ship across the galaxy, but it's still going to require a lot more energy than reducing someone's mass and throwing them against a wall. So the question becomes: what's the return on investment for teleporting a short distance vs. the person or object just...moving there? In the most practical sense, not a lot.

The same principal would apply for manipulating elements like solar energy. Incredibly high amounts of energy would be required to manipulate solar energy, so you have essentially the same problem.

HOWEVER, also keep in mind that element zero is a completely made up thing, and while dark energy is a real thing, we don't actually understand how it works. Which gives you some creative freedom.

This is also more of a hard science look at things, which is only one lens you can use. The Rule of Cool certainly factors into story telling. Is it practical for someone to teleport themselves through a wall vs. walk through a door? No. Is it really fucking cool? Yes!

BioWare leaned a lot harder into hard science in ME1 than they did in ME2/ME3, where they basically said fuck it and went ham with Magic Jedi Powers when it comes to biotics. Neither way is right or wrong - it's all about what you, as the storyteller, want to explore.

[weirdmageddon]

i wish i knew how to color shit. i get so jealous when artists just naturally have a talent for making harmonious colors because i dont no matter how many years i follow artists whose coloring techniques i admire and collect their art in a folder and just look at it. im just too mechanically minded and about doing the “right thing” when it comes to art and especially coloring which means like. i resort to eyedropping :( which is boring. but i just cant make it look good when i pick my own colors, i just sit there for another 2 hours wasting my time and it does absolutely nothing in terms of conveying what the bare minimum content of the drawing itself is trying to achieve so its a bad investment of my time

i know tips for coloring and how to make your art pop but i just literally cannot execute it well. balancing brightness and saturation levels of colors is really hard for me because i dont know what parts to emphasize and which ones not to, theyre all equally important to me. i still struggle to find the right hex code associated with a color im visually seeing like in real life because it’s all relative to environment. remember The Dress? it changed color depending on how you considered the lighting (if you saw the lighting as being warm it was black and blue, if you saw the lighting as cool it was white and yellow). and thats the shit that trips me up is the illusions of color based on surrounding context because i dont normally consider surrounding context. i have it in my mind beforehand what basic color something is, and thats the color i want to make the most obvious, like if the basic color of something is inherently purple i focus on making it perceived to others as being clearly purple. so for me if i were coloring the dress i would make it unmistakeably black and blue because that’s what color the dress is. but that doesnt factor in the environment and that’s what makes it look so flat. my brain just does Not want to wrap around it. yet for some people they dont even know what theyre doing when they color but it comes out fuckin brilliant because they approach it without any expectations beforehand

i also wish that i didnt get so bogged down by every little detail in my art that sketches take 2 hours and leave me at a state of low energy where i just wind up publishing it then and there because im extrinsically motivated and thrive on feedback when it comes to my art to the point where i dont even have the energy to practice coloring in the first place

made a graph to illustrate my point