#and the beginning of self healing

[mangacat201]

MOOD.

Also, something something about the fact that every one of Buck’s major traumas and pivotal life events was encapsulated in the symbolism of the staging in his dream... except for one noticable GLARING absence (we got a plane, we got a firetruck, we got a ferris wheel, we got a snow path into the woods, we didn’t see a rifle anywhere)

Ok. Ohhhhhkay. I was ready to be disappointed with this episode, at least a little bit, but DAMN I see what you did there, writer’s room. This is not over, is it, this is just the beginning.

there's just something about the lack of eddie in buck's coma dream AND something about eddie keeping a distance from buck while he was in the coma that makes me SOOOOOO.

buck subconsciously CHOSE not to bring eddie in and interact with him. and even when coma!chris asked him to find his dad (which was basically buck's subconscious looking for eddie), it was at this exact point that buck was running out of time and he had to go back. and then there's eddie in the hospital, not coming too close to buck, always there but hanging in the back and letting chris go closer FOR him both times they were in the room together.

there's just something about coma!buck faking everyone BUT eddie, something in his subconscious blocking eddie from view and only letting him be there in spirit, a mere blurry sense of him hanging in the air; an absence that contributed to buck wanting to leave that place even more. and at the same time there's something about eddie forcing himself to keep a distance from buck, not even bearing to glance at him without crying, let alone touch him. he was turning away, staying at the back, fully sobbing yet trying to keep his feelings at bay, because he knew that any more contact would be too much for him, too uncontrollable, too revealing.

SOMETHING SOMETHING about these two men holding back from each other that makes me want to chew the walls!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[thoughts-become-reality]

[in-tenebris-et-in-solitudine]

[selfhealingmoments]

[thepeacefulgarden]

[itzzey]

Let them be wrong about you.

There’s nothing to prove.

[ilovemyselfluvs]

[sk-lumen]

Kind reminder that every new beginning is beautiful opportunity to start over, to review your habits, rearrange your priorities, to make better and healthier choices for your wellbeing. I know change is scary but every beginning is a fresh new canvas that you can paint a wondrous new slew of rainbow colors until you're happy with the masterpiece of your life.

[histhoughtslately]

Do your best to stay grounded while you expand…

#itspossible #urpossible

[romirella-96]

The road to this healing journey has had so many bumps & twists & turns 🥺😭🤧 but I’m so grateful to still be here & to have made it this far! 🫶🏼

[theclearstateofthemind]

[darkcomedies]

living with friends is like waking up and there’s a playdate and then i leave for school/work and come back and the playdate is still going on and then i go to bed after the playdate is over and get to do it again tomorrow

[thoughts-become-reality]

[maxiglow]

[selfhealingmoments]

[sharknark]

⬇️rant about a really good hengren (reverse renheng) fic i read. link at the bottom give it a whirl

i've never read a fic so well-catered to my tastes before in my life and the best part is that i was so caught off guard by how good it was cuz the tags and summary had me like "right this is some omegaverse-esque, rawr XD mating shit"

but from the very first paragraph i realized it wasn't just ao3-typical possessive mating shit it was (dare i say) IN CHARACTER possessive mating shit. underappreciated dan feng lore is the two hearts shit, duty expects him to smother his own empathy and perform cruelty obediently (and that being in his dragon form literally numbs his empathy towards mortals) but then it's flipped around and he's criticized for being too heartless

there aren't a great many english fics that take advantage of the 'numbed empathy' thing, so this fic using that to explore the toxic codependency that drove dan feng to making yingxing immortal in the first place is so!

dan feng's dragon heart prioritizing it's own indulgence and power, his human heart screaming against it for empathy and restraint, but both hearts united in this possessive adoration of yingxing... dan feng is possessive to the point of harming his partner, forcing them to take his affection, inherently contradictive to the protective impulse to see the other unhurt.

dan feng makes yingxing immortal in a really sketchy operation, despite knowing that yingxing is literally defined by his pride in being a short-life. he wants yingxing to be with him so badly that he does the one thing that would hurt yingxing the most, too blinded by possession, this sickly overbearing affection, to empathetically respect yingxing's death.

yingxing lived cramming every second he could into his craft and his goals precisely because he has so much less time than all the immortal species around him, but when he's forced into immortality, his hands are scarred and ruined past the point of ever crafting again. he suddenly has so much time, all this time he would've cherished as a mortal, but is totally useless to him now that his purpose for living and passion is gone.

so there being a scene in this fic where dan feng is moping "yingxing doesn't wanna fuck because he's glued to his workshop", being followed up with a scene of dan heng fucking blade while kissing his scarred hand and crying that he's "so sorry", yeah no shit asshole, his dragon heart got what it wanted, blade has all the time in the world to fuck and nothing competing for his now limitless attention and no one's happy about it.

as arrogant about being a short-life as yingxing was, it really is compensation for the discrimination he faced for it. other immortals looked down on him, so having dan feng, THE top dog, be so deeply enamored with him stirred his own toxic codependent urges. he was so desperate to have dan feng's eternal regard that he's willing to die for him (as in the sedition), his death being the force cementing his place in dan feng's heart forever.

so the fic having yingxing ruminate on this, that he had hoped for dan feng to love him even centuries after he inevitably died, only for the fic to end with:

yeah yingxing... you left an impression... he made you immortal.... everyone's upset by this

(that's what makes dan heng forgetting blade was ever yingxing to begin with all the more painful because, you went and turned him immortal and when it backfired horrifically you went on and fucking forgot, bitch i'd be pissed to the point of centuries long bloody pursuit of vengeance too.)

here's the fic go read it and leave kudos and a comment, technically porn but i got so invested in the character study that part barely registered. also yeah if you hadn't realized already super dead-dove:

blah blah "renheng is toxic" sorry that's why i like it