#and that what i dread??? i dont know!!!!
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The night time dread is so severe rn;;;
#im slipping into a habit of insomnia i fear#and that what i dread??? i dont know!!!!#nightmares usually but its like. everything. fear of continuing. fear of ending#i miss regan when she sleeps and dread the transistion of evening into bed time#ive been trying to artificially run from it more lately like#trying to cook stuff at night#i have my drawing supplies like im gonna draw in the dark#its just. im sick rn still and maybe. its like. the feeling bad?#idk ive always had a hatred to bed time. i think its bc my parents used to force me to sleep really early and i resented that#idk tho#id ask regan but shes asleep#what good is a dr girlwife if she sleeps#i wish neither of us ever had to sleep again#fuck thetes something wrong with me fr#anyway.....hope youre doing ok if you read all this. feel free to message me if u wanna talk haha#the night is so long and so quiet and so full of dread i wish it would end and i also fear the sunrise#its like im a tortured vampire or smth
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Tetris Fanart.
I've been playing tetris while listening to horror podcasts. and yeah
#text#art#eyestrain#cw eystrain#bright colors#cw bright colors#tetris#nintendo#god i dont know what to tag this with. i dont wanna tag it with the podcasts themselves cuz that feels disingenuous. swagever#i actually started this piece a while ago. ok yeah looking at the date that was almost 3 weeks ago wow#but i finally decided to bring it back and finish it#ive been getting back into digital art and its been really nice. its nice having finished pieces.#ive been trying to get weirder with my art. like this piece was weirdly 'personal' in a sense#its been my unique experience listening to these pieces of media. the game in the bg is jsut as important to my experience as the art itsel#the looming sense of dread these podcasts give fit weirdly well with the high tension of some of these games of tetris#i wanted to have that sorta weird ominous vibe to it. have even the pieces feel loud and threatening.#and the gameplay being Past the ds itself is something i thought could be neat#ykno the tetris effect? where you play a bunch and then after you see the shapes everywhere;you play it in your mind?#that was part of what i wanted to channel there. but also like; how your attention works with this stuff#i might be looking straight at the ds but my attention is elsewhere; my brain is in another world#the game is still inescapable tho. tetris effect whatever. these stories stick in my brain just as much.#its all given me some. very very annoyingn anxiety. but i have to go back to them. like a moth to a flame etc. hince the moth climbing out#but uh yeah. that set up was my life for a few weeks whenever i had free time.#the main podcast this is about was magnus btw <- not typing full name so im not on the tag#and uh.#objectum#yeah i think. i think yeah.
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my collection of screenshots of Fitz being normal.
#doctor who#edas#fitz kreiner#i had more but they didnt fit the Theme all that well and would have made this post obnoxiously long.#sorry i woke up today with an oppressive feeling of dread because i still dont know what im gonna do for my thesis work for college#and i needed to think about my favorite guy who is having a worse time than i am. you know how it is.#but now ive eaten a bowl of ramen and made this post so i feel better
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snail in my ear telling me to draw them 32098 more times: me, listening to the snail:
#dont get used to this sudden uptick of activity btw im not sure whats been with me lately#i should probably slow down anyways i wouldnt like to dig myself an early grave of burnout............#duck scribbles#doodles#midoyuzu#yuzumido#enstars#not much commentary on this one i just need to distract myself from the dread that comes with learning to drive#also recently went back and read every story theyve interacted in to refresh my memory and attachment wow these guys r just#also!!!! even if i dont reply just know i read every one of ur replies and comments in the tags of rbs and it means the entire world to me#super nice to cheer myself up when the depression hits again :']
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'tumblr if you snipe the quality of another post of mine im going to break into your cellar and ruin all of your wine' translation: click for better quality
80's version
#rgg#ryu ga gotoku#ryu ga gotoku 7#yakuza series#yakuza 7#masato arakawa#masumi arakawa#jo sawashiro#snap sketches#almost finished the line art of this during stream but had to run before i could complete it !!!! sad !!!!#anyway. this was supposed to look sillier- or at least jo and arakawa were supposed to look dumbfounded#idfk what happened during sketching for me to change it but this isnt terrible either i dont think. s'alright#ill mourn that alternate version tho... i wanted the vibe of a gag manga if we know what i mean#but again This Is Fine. i also havent drawn in about ten days so i should post SOMETHING to remind people i draw LMAO#maybe if i make an 80's Version of this i can go with that idea... hm....... might fit better too... we'll have to see don't quote me#you CAN throw a brick into my inbox and say you'd like to see that tho. if you want.#anyways im done looking at this i need to be consumed with existential dread again byyyyye
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Jennifer nearly jumped into the water / and she was tired like no one's ever been tired
#myart#wesley crusher#jennifer is on her way home. then she remembers her life is like a nightmare!!!!#geniunelyyyy thinking about the post-first duty years of wesleys life is so miserable.#he killed his best friend and ruined his friendship with everyone else and lost picards respect (the only thing he ever cared about)#and then you just. dont hear about him at all for 2 years.#trying to capture the extremely specific existential dread of knowing something is deeply wrong in your life but not being able to change.#JUST THE LOOK OF A YOUNG MAN WHOS PROFOUNDLY UNHAPPY AND DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!#the quote from that novel. where he says “jaxa knew better than the rest of us the only way to escape this thing was to die”. ITS SICK!!#like leaving starfleet was not even on his radar until journeys end. he didnt even consider that as an option. so what could he do.#man. theres a reason for the prominently placed golden gate bridge. jennifer nearly jumped into the water.... cuz she got no way to get out#the photos in the bg are him and picard. jack. two of joshie (the ski tripppppp) him and bev and the entire nova squadron up top#do i think he would have his room this nicely decorated while horribly depressed NO!!! it was just for the compostion of the piece#like trying so hard to keep up appearances. being surrounded by pictures of all the people who love him and still not able to get out.#some of the papers lying around the desk are like. intended to be letters to bev that he just gave up on writing.#OKAY sorry i just wanted to finish this before i leave tomorrow. i spent such a stupid amount of time on this. never again#you people should always talk to me forever about my friend wesley . im soooo normal. lies facedown on floor#OH AND THE VERY SPECIFIC. EMOTION. LYING ON BED IN FULL UNIFORM. WE'VE ALLLL BEEN THERE.
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i did start reading orv and i did Immediately on the First Page go "lmao this could be a scum villain au if airplane wrote pidw for himself and not for money" and had to beat the psyche back with a broom
#ramblings#sorry im trying to enjoy the work for itself but i love my wife & i am subconsiously always trying to find ways to make things about my wif#in my defence 100% of what i knew about orv before starting was that the mc traumatizes people by dying (perhaps repeatedly?)#and if that isnt sycore i dont know what the fuck is!!#love kim dokja already i think he is deeply unwell#but also at the same time im like reading and going heehee yippee wow so fun and then i remember all the fucked up fanart ive seen#without understanding for orv on this fucking webbed site and i feel Fear#the nice thing about me!! is that because i didnt understand any of it! i dont remember any of it! all i remember is the Dread#so aside from the dying thing (lol) ive yet be spoiled for anything!!
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#ok finally making a post about meds#I've not ever tried taking medication before. I was sorta raised with that classic 'dont rely on meds you have to learn to manage without'#I mean I was also raised with the idea that therapy is stupid unless you have 'real' trauma. and also like idk.#can't stay home from school unless your temp is over 100 or you're throwing up. etc. very suck it up mindset#so I was just really nervous to start. also of course worried about losing myself or whatever I know that's a silly fear but#it's also a common fear for a reason!!! anyways#so I finally was like 'I need to do something' when I realized I was so anxious I couldnt even get myself to go outside alone#like I just don't want to do ANYTHING alone to a detrimental effect. and it was butting into my ability to do my work...#for various reasons. but then ALSO adhd has been a constant issue with my work as well!#it is SO hard to write and draw on a weekly pace like I am without being able to focus#my whole life I've had these terrible nightmares constantly and I've always woken up constantly in the night#sleep has always been terrible so I've always dreaded going to bed.. ESPECIALLy because it didnt even make me less tired#it was more something that I just did because I had to.#but going to bed was always terrible. there have been times I was too scared to go to sleep for weeks on end...#I've been mitigating this for years of course. and recently I've been taking melatonin which has been helping too.#but I've also always struggled to get up. because I've always been EXTREMELY exhausted#but also anxious of what the day might bring... idk.#anyways it has all hit a point that I was like okay. I am doing as many coping mechanisms as I can. the psych said they were good too#but... it just has never been enough. it's never been enough to make me not tired it's never been enough to make me not scared#so I finally talked to the doc about it. and she was like youve def got smth wrong basically. which yah I know.. but yknow#anyways so I started taking wellbutrin. and I am so frustrated now. because it's WORKING#that constant looming sense of dread is gone. I'm excited to get up. I'm excited to go to bed BECAUSE I'm excited to get up#I feel like for years I've been holding on to the idea that I have to get up because I have to put something good out into the world#and I've been clinging to knowing that if nothing else. I am able to help other people feel better.#but now for the first time in my life I'm like. free of it. I didnt even know it was possible... and I'm so sad how much I've lost out on#and so frustrated how my whole life I've been told to put up with it and push through it. and treated like a failure for it being too much.#and just. It has only been 2 weeks. but the lack of anxiety is SO noticeable I'm so...#I'll never miss it. the adhd is still pretty present but like whatever. I can manage that better.#and I'm just crying because of all this combined.#I just. I hope I get to finally be the best I can be now. for myself but also for you guys!
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Listen I know
I know it's just a form she takes to fool people or whatever and she's actually an old decrepid witch from Slavic Folklore. And she would kill and eat my body
But I mean that's my type
#everytime I think of bbaba yaga I am reminded of bartok the magnificent#baba yaga#cooking companions#dread weight#i just now realized dread weight came out and I am very excited#i know im late to the party but nobody i watch was playing it#also according to a lot of people baba yaga is a neutral force which is very interesting#because I dont think she serves as that in these games. from what i can tell
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venting like an idiot
the main reason i dont wanna go back to uni is that i feel like i've completely embarrassed myself last year. idk, i feel horrified at the thought of returning and looking these people in the eye. i didn't do anything, i was lazy and barely finished my projects and the only way to redeem myself somehow would be to come back with some new energy and work hard. i didn't even really get a job this summer because i really wanted to rest, cause i thought i would drop out. and i just feel worse, i feel even more tired
#ughhhh#im not going to drop out just yet#itd be a shame i think#theres many opportunities at my uni that i just dont take cause i cant commit to them or im too tired or im too scared#idk if doing any of this is worth it if i don't truly commit tho#i dont think ive learned anything these past 2 years tbh i feel like ive been wasting time and money#and i know my mental state is just my fault cause i cant get myself to do anything and i feel shame and spiral but goddd#idk i just feel like shit#the academic year starts so soon and i just dread everything thats to come#idk i dont even feel like im going to come out of this school with a portfolio. im literally nothing and ive done nothing#i have no idea how i could write a dissertation because ive literally learned nothing i have no desire to learn i just want to fucking chil#i cant get myself to care much for anything except silly shit thats just a distraction from uni work ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh#sucks sucks everything sucks#sorry for this stupid fucking essay im just having lots of thoughts and no one to tell them so.. um#vent#i know this is all my fault but also like. what am i supposed to do about it every solution sounds like literal hell to me -_-#i guess ive been feeling less suicidal recently which i guess is good but i feel like its bad cause like ykiyk ig#idk its all a huge contradiction
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god the part where rubys gone. horror horror horror horror
#dont know if ive ever felt like that watching doctor who#i probably have my memory is very human but still#godddd the fucking dread#you know what it means immediately and the doctors like no no no checking everywhere#'im looking for your daughter' oughhhh
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horror having crazy irrational thoughts about food,,,,, like bro thinks there's poison in the cupcakes. someone snuck razor blades into the bread and once he takes a bit it'll cut him up. somehow there's mold growing inside the bananas and when he eats it the mold colony is gonna start growing on HIM and then he'll become a moldy skeleton and oh god and oh god and he is paranoid but hes so hungry.... BUT WHAY ABOUT BUGS IN THR FOOD,,,, BUT HES HUNGRY.... a struggle it truly is
probably doesnt help that dust and killer could feed into it. killer could make off hand remarks on how he snuck razor blades into the meat horror's attempting to eat (to fuck around with horror. just some eeeever so slight psychological anguish. and also because killer would just be the type of casually carry those around. what for you may ask well decide for yourself) and then immediately horror's mood drops and he storms out of the dining room. dust and horror go on a sweet little picnic in a beautiful field and its all beautiful and inconspicuous but dust made the food and horror knows that look in his eyes. horror knows dust was muttering something about chemicals a day or 2 ago. the food is poisoned isnt it??? and dust just smiles and motions for horror to eat it
#imagine being starved and then you hang out with two guys who make food dangerous#imagine the dread. the rational part of his mind telling him not to eat it but his instincts are so so so hungry#horror eats the food because it genuinely looks so good but he knows he just fucked up#they make eachother so SO worse........ they are SO bad for eachother its amazing#and horror probably can't cook all that well too so he definitely needs to learn which is a whole other struggle with his eating issues#MAKE THEM BREAK UP ALREADY THEY CAUSE TOO MUCH SUFFERING FOR EACH OTHER 💔💔💔#sorry triglycercule but no 🧡 they deserve to suffer together as retribution for everything they did#sometimes i feel like this angry torturous mtt that all hate eachother is a bit too ooc#but then again..... god is it so fun to come up with ideas for the mtt to hurt eachother#its so delicious 🧡 like dust's poisoned food! horror eats more because it tastes so good#but he can feel the poison kicking in. he can feel his body slowly start to ache and his movements slow as he eats more and more#and soon he can't move. he's paralyzed and in pain in this flower field with dust#and as he starts to pass out he reaches his hand out a bit for dust. just for the smallest bit of comfort#horror's absolutely furious at him for poisoning him but dust still holds his hand back#dust holds horror in his arms with a smile as they lay in the flower field enjoying the moment#as if you didn't just fucking poison the fuck but whatever that's horrordust for you!#dont worry horror gets him back by stealing papyrus's scarf and ripping some of it off to wear in front of dust#he sews a little patch of the scarf onto his jacket and dust is staring at that shit. that is a TAUNT#yeah this is papyrus's scarf. what are you gonna do about me ripping some of it huh? poison me AGAIN???#theyve all grown tolerances for different poisons because the mtt genuinely cannot stop trying to kill eachother#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#tricule hc#god i struggle to differentiate because hc and rant so much because i swap around and change hcs so frequently that there isnt consistency#ive now decided that rants MUST be substantially longer and less put together to be a rant and not a hc. and that shall be DECREED#utmv#sans au
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Sometimes I think to myself "actually maybe I'm exaggerating the terror I felt from being stalked", but then I remember that the person in question followed me and waited for me outside my school every day, tracked me down on every website I'd spent even the slightest time on, left physical letters in my mailbox, sent creepy as hell novel length messages on a near daily basis on FB. And then when I was living abroad and I answered the phone I told the caller to text me cause I couldn't hear, after which I had to read "I was saying that you would probably be VERY scared if you knew who's calling... hehe" with my own damn fucking eyes...
And then I'm like yknow what nevermind!!!! the fact that I'm still terrified of being perceived and seen in public not just IRL but also FFXIV might be understandable actually!!!
#im not saying its what caused my psychotic breakdown cause there were many factors#but needless to say it played a HUGE part especially surrounding the debilitating paranoia i was left with for years#i should mention that i only learned LAST YEAR that this person supposedly gave up according to them#by an old mutual classmate (the only one im still in contact with sadly because this person destroyed all the connections i held dear)#(we were classmates for years and this fucked me up cause we were friends for years before it all went down)#but yeah so last year they gave up apparently and it started 2012.#id managed to evade their notice online since 2019 when they last contacted me on facebook and i assumed id simply shook them off#given the habits i developed as a result of it that still affect me in ways i hate#but yeah its only been about a year of feeling relatively safe for the first time since 2012... and even then only relatively#cause i have no idea how permanent that is. and i dont dare to fully relax knowing what the person is capable of in terms of violence#hysterically tumblr is one of the very places online where they never found me it seems#but yeah. apparently they can just move on and here i am meanwhile still feeling the effects#such as feeling like im drenched in ice even in fucking *ffxiv* just because someones targeting or emoting at me#even though its never actually a problem! its a normal thing! and yet that brief moment of dread and fear seems to stick#IDK WHY IM RANTING ABOUT THIS I WAS JUST REMINDED AND. AURGH#awful. horrible. hopefully itll be fine forevermore and that ill be able to relax one day#silvi talks
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i am being so brave trying so hard to hold back writing a rant about that 'minimizing narrative noise' comment on totk sage concept art bc its actively flying around in my head like the worlds most annoying fly
#ganondoodles talks#zelda#i have .... thigns to say...............#i need to wait until i get a look at the entire book#and cant go on rants on single comments#then again .... what else is in there .................#i am dreading this thing#like id rather know that there was trouble during development than having a dozen of shitty comments obviously trying to cover up-#-for something- this CANNOT be true#yes narrative noise is a thing that exists- but in THIS game????????????????????????????????????????????????????????#like you basically cut down the already boring plot into its bare essentials that isnt executed well either#and then add confusion and menaingless detailes like the sage helmets “”connecting“” the sonau to the shiekah#when rly it just makes it more confusing bc the hsiekah a prectically gone- the fuck kind of conenction is there#like THAT is what id call narrative noise- weird details that make no sense and arent important#also you cant make a character the equivilant of a blank box and then say 'we wanted them to feel powerful and scary' or sth#BC YOUD NEED TO MAKE THE CHARACTER ANYTHIGN -BUT- A BLANK BOX TO HAVE THEM BE INTIMIDATING#ALSO all the ancient stupid sages do is stand around repeating words like they are puppets- you dont see them fight ever#“intimitadtign” my ASS the useless little knife fake zelda throws at sonia from half a mile away and prob wouldnt even have gotten through-#-her hair is more intimidating than any of the blank box mc sages#youd think they learned their lesson when they made the botw champions DLC bc it fleshed their characters out more and added better-#-shrines BUT NO apparently that was a big mistake huh#maybe thats why every single character is reduced to one boring stereotype or a blank box of nothing in totk#having zelda be anything else but a swooing little damsel waiting for her prince was narrative noise needing to be removed HUH#writing team all fired or what- literally WHAT was going on in there
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longlegs is a movie about mother/daughterhood for real. throws up thinking about it actually
#LONGLEGS SPOILERS IN THE TAGS#Dont look if you dont want spoilers plsssss <3#didnt looooove it btw i have my mixed feelings and criticisms but! i did like it. and liked a lot about it...#feeling left with this dreadful feeling about being trapped in childhood and trauma and your mother trying to keep you there#and doing so much so you Can grow up but still not really letting you and keeping all of you in her house and keeping your memories of -#certain events to 'protect' you and just making it harder for you and then keeping up with these phone calls and of course doing all of -#what she did to keep her little girl alive so she could grow up and none of it mattered as long as her little girl got to grow up and be -#herself and not have to worry about all of those things shes doing or that happened... even though they still directly affect her and make#her life a living hell... shes tormented by it... and phone calls and interactions with her mother feel terrible... but she loves her#and she trusts her and she doesnt know what to do with her... or how to feel... and she wants answers andhgkshdfk GAHH its good#all of lees hair and teeth and nails and all of her things from childhood still in that house... in her room... all of her memories are in#that room... including clues to That One... god#longlegs spoilers#longlegs 2024 spoilers
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I am begging yall when you make modern AUs, PLEASE just give Tuff normal long straight hair bc otherwise he looks like some hippie (cultural appropriator) I'd see at the goddamn Oregon country fair or in a starbucks line (derogatory) .
#if youve ever been to the country fair u KNOW what im talking about.#also im not getting into the 'but uhh vikings had-' argument abt tuff white ppl dreads which i just know smell rank#i dont have the tolerance for that kinda idiocy#tuffnut thorston#httyd modern au#httyd#tag to remind you im black#this is not tuff hate nor ocf hate i love both...#also modern aus r like my guilty pleasure i have a soft spot for them forged in the trenches of 6th grade that I'll never shake#tuffnut
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